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Your Anxiety Toolkit - Practical Skills for Anxiety, Panic & Depression
458 How to Handle Anxiety When You're Around Toxic People
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Welcome, everybody. We are going to talk about how to handle anxiety around toxic people. And this is specifically for those. We want to focus on doing this without ruminating for hours and without completely losing ourselves in the process. So here is the big question. Have you ever walked away from a conversation with someone and felt completely dysregulated? You feel so bad about yourself, you feel like you're going completely crazy all of a sudden and you can't help but overthink the entire interaction. A lot of my clients will say to me, it feels like I absorb people's negative energy. They might say, when she acts this way, I get so triggered, I just cannot control myself. They lose control completely. Or maybe they say my anxiety goes through the roof and I overthink everything as soon as I'm around this person. So today, what we are going to do is we are going to talk about how we can care for you and your anxiety when you're dealing with these quote unquote, toxic people. Whether it's your coworker, it's your friend, your family member, doesn't matter. I'm going to give you a really, really good metaphor that I use with my clients all the time. Now, here is what we're doing on the agenda today. Number one, we are going to talk about why anxiety skyrockets around certain people. Number two, how to set boundaries that you can actually help reduce your anxiety, even if it feels terrifying in that moment. We're also going to talk about the skill of staying, quote unquote, in your lane, even when someone is trying to pull you back into that chaos. And lastly, we're going to talk about how to radically take care of yourself instead of spiraling forward four hours. So, welcome. My name is Kimberly Quindlund. This is your anxiety toolkit. This is a podcast where I teach you everything you need to know about anxiety so you can go and live your biggest, most beautiful life. I'm an anxiety specialist and my mission is to offer you tools that you can use every single day in your anxiety recovery. So, as always, when we're doing this work, we always start with self compassion first. Always. Self compassion first, always. In every one of our online courses at CPT school, we start the course by saying, let's put the objective, the agenda, the priority to start with self compassion first, always. Now, the other thing I want you to remember is we are going to take small baby steps here. As you can imagine, it is much easier to take a small step than to try and climb up a huge step. In fact, climbing Up a huge step is going to feel unbearable and too hard and you probably won't even try. But if you put it in the way of making small baby steps, you're much more likely to be successful. Okay, so why does your anxiety skyrocket when you're around certain people? The most important thing to remember here is our brain is wired to detect danger. If it perceives there to be danger, it's going to send anxiety out. And so if there is somebody who doesn't feel safe to you, your brain is going to create anxiety. Now, another thing to remember here is maybe your brain has identified them as somebody who has hurt you in the past or or could hurt you in the future. And for that reason, your brain's naturally going to create a lot of anxiety to try and warn you against this person. Now, the other reason you might be having a lot of anxiety is maybe your brain has identified them as dangerous because of faulty thoughts you have about them or yourself. Sometimes when people come to me, they'll be like, this person is toxic. I don't know what to do. They're so bad, they're so mean. And in many cases that is true. They are around someone who isn't safe for them isn't healthy for them. But in some cases, someone might come to me and say, this person said this and that and it really upset me and it freaked me out. And we identified it was because of a deep core belief they had about themselves. Maybe they had some social anxiety. Maybe they were already beating themselves up for something and somebody brought it up and it triggered them. So it could be one both either. Again, I'm not here to tell you you're wrong. I definitely don't want people to feel like I'm blaming you instead of the person. But I really enjoy and find it very beneficial to first always check in on like, is this actually because I'm insecure about something? Or am I struggling with boundaries or am I struggling with communication or conflict or something like that? Or people pleasing? Am I having a hard time feeling my feelings around being embarrassed or having shame and so forth? Just something to think about as we move forward. The main thing we need to remember is that we all get triggered sometimes and some people are just not our people. That's totally okay. There will be people who are not our cup of tea, not good for us, not healthy for us, and that's okay. And I'm here to teach you how to manage those people. So how are we going to do this? We are going to learn how to set boundaries with people. We're going to learn how you can be keeping your focus on what is actually really important. And we're going to be working on getting really clear on what is yours to work on and what is theirs to work on. And once we get really clear on that, we go back and we set those boundaries and we stay focused on this main agenda. The main thing to remember is you have more control than you think. Now, you will notice something I'm going to be mentioning throughout this whole episode. Now, while it's called how to manage Toxic People, I want to discourage you from calling people toxic. And the reason for that is toxic. The actual underlying meaning of toxic is that it will kill you. Like if something is toxic, it is so unhealthy for you that it could cause your death. And if you use that word toxic to describe a person, you're actually encouraging your brain to set off that fire alarm to say there's danger. So unless somebody is actually a threat to you actually and your well being, I would encourage you not to call them toxic. Instead, we. What I'm going to encourage you to do is say that is someone who triggers me or someone who doesn't treat me the way I would like to be treated, or they hit me right where my insecurities are. The reason that I prefer this phrasing is again, we're in the business here of trying to not make anxiety worse. That is the most compassionate thing we can do for ourselves in this situation. And, and so we don't want to use language that actually worsens your anxiety. So again, while this episode is called and has Toxic People in the title, I'm going to encourage you to say that person triggers me or I'm having the thought that they're toxic. That's fine too, if you want to use more of a diffusion mindfulness model. Now, of course, if you want to call them toxic, that's fine, go ahead, absolutely give you permission. You know what's best for you. But that would be just a piece of advice I would give you. Now, again, let me reinforce you have more control over this situation with this person that triggers you than you think. I want to give you a lot of reminders that you actually have more control than you could ever give yourself credit. So I want to give you a metaphor that I use with my clients all the time. Okay? So I want you to imagine that you get to have the car of your dreams. You get to pick it. Just stay with me for this exercise. It's going to make sense. I want you to imagine that you're in a car that you choose. It doesn't mean it has to be like a Lamborghini, just a car that feels like a really functional, good car that will keep you safe and you'll feel good about, and it won't blow your bank account out. And it's just a good, solid, good car for you, and you like it. So I want you to imagine you picking that car. What car do you pick? Okay, now, once you've picked that car, we're going to then let you design it. My husband was actually telling me the other day that if you buy a Porsche, a fancy Porsche, I guess we do not own fancy Porsches, but you pick every single detail. The color of the leather, the color of this, which package, which tires, which breaks, all the things, and you spend a huge amount of money. And then apparently you get flown to Germany or whatever country it is, and they let you drive it off. The Porsche, like, grounds into the container shipping. You drive it onto that, and then they fly you home. So you're the one who sort of like, delivered to the shopping situation. And this was very fancy. He thought this was a very cool story. But I want you to sort of imagine you're designing this car, right? In this car, you pick the music, you pick the car. You pick how clean and dirty your car is. You get to pick how fast or slow you drive. You get to pick what route you take. You get to pick the temperature. Do you have it on hot or cold? Do you have the music up loud? Do you have jazz music? Do you put the roof up or the roof down? If you have a convertible, do you have the windows up or the windows down? Do you have the seat reclined? You get to pick everything that goes on in this car, but you also get to pick the thoughts you have about yourself in this car. And you also get to pick the thoughts you have about the drive that you're taking. So what I'm saying here is you could be driving and being like, I hate my car. I hate the temperature. I hate the music. I hate the route. Or you could say, this is the route I've chosen. This route is hard, but I'm going to choose it anyway. You might say, I love my car. I love myself. I'm a really good person. I appreciate myself. Thank you, Kimberly. Putting my hand on my chest. Thank you for being here. You get to choose all of that stuff in this metaphor. Now, this is an actual metaphor for your life. I know I don't get to choose the car of my dreams. I'm not rich enough to be able to do that, but I actually do have control over all these things. I get to control the music, how clean it is, how fast I drive, the route I take, the temperature, my thoughts about myself, my thoughts about my car. This is a real, true, very accurate metaphor that you, you can use for your life. Now here's the thing to remember here, is that these are just a reflection of our values, our beliefs, our hopes and wishes, our characteristics and you who you want to be. Now the thing to remember is you get all of this autonomy over your car, but next to you on the highway will be other cars and they get to act how they want to act in their car. Your job is to stay in your lane, their job is to stay in their lane. And we all get to have autonomy and they get to drive as fast as they want. You get to drive as fast as you want and we can all exist. However, what often happens in this situation is there's always someone in the car next to us who's got their window down and they're screaming at us, telling us we're doing things wrong and that we aren't dressed right and we're not acting right and we should be doing this and you idiot, and why are you this way? And sometimes people don't behave very well and they're in some cases they're getting out of their car and they're trying to get into your car and tell you how you're supposed to act in your car. They're going to tell you you need to go slower or faster or your windows should be up or your windows should be down or your music should be jazz if you have hip hop on. People may also just sit in the car next to you and criticise you non stop and try to get you to veer off into the route they want you to take and that's okay, that's what they're doing. We're here to learn how to manage those people. Now it is our responsibility as human beings to take control, to take responsibility for our car and learn to set boundaries with those people. Now when you are around, and I get it, when you are around people who are yelling at you from every angle or being unkind or manipulating you, it can feel pretty devastating. You can feel incredibly anxious, incredibly overwhelmed, stressed, depressed. It's not fun. And your nervous system is going to, your nervous system is going to get it right. It's going to absolutely feel the weight of this situation.
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So what we are going to look at here is we are going to look at your options. Now, what we have here is we have one terrible option and we have three healthy options. And these are the options I'm going to give you. So technically, you have four options. I'm sure you have more than four, but for the sake of just me being clear, we're going to go through the four options. Now, let's take a look at option number one. Option number one would be you engage in their toxicity, you buy into their trash stories, you question and you doubt yourself. You ruminate about all the things that they've said and done to you. They've criticized you and you feel hopeless about this situation. That is a choice. We can choose that option. It's not the one I want you to make and it's probably the one that you've taken in the past, as have I. But that is an option. We're going to give time to every single one of the options. From that place. We now have the opportunity to look at the other three options and here they are. So option number one would be, while you have full autonomy of your car, you are going to arrange a time to talk to the person in the car next to you calmly and you are going to learn how to set a boundary with them. Now, a boundary is not me saying, you have to stop screaming at me in my car. This is my car and I'm in charge of my car. And you have to change. Because boundaries are not telling other people how they need to act. Boundaries are saying how you will act if they maintain their behavior. So instead of saying, you need to stop screaming at me, you will say, if you cannot talk to me kindly, I'm going to need to A, B and C, whatever you choose. So it might be the case of metaphorically, if you keep saying unkind things to me, I'm going to put the window up and I'm not going to give you my attention anymore. Or I'll give you other examples of this. But it's ultimately saying what you will do if they can't abide by treating you with the respect that you deserve. Now, there will be some people who cannot hold that boundary. And the second of the healthy options would be there will be times where you need to change your route if someone cannot respect healthy interactions with you. Now we can talk about what that looks like because there are situations like the third situation where you don't have a choice. You have to work with this person or you've been assigned this person in your class study group, or they're a family member and you can't divorce a family member. They are in your life for many different unfortunate reasons. So in the third option, so we have option number one, you set a boundary. Option number two, in some cases, if you're able and they're unable to hold that boundary, we may need to choose a different route and we need to take responsibility. We don't hold resent for that. We say, okay, I'm choosing a different route because it's what's kind for me. And then the third option is if they, you have to stay in communication with them and they're relentless, they will not stop. You're going to have to learn how to let them act like a complete butt head. And you're going to have to be in charge and in control of how you respond to that. So let's talk about what that looks like. You have control of your actions and your thoughts about yourself and your thoughts about your actions. That is going to be what you do. A lot of the time when I'm with clients, clients, I am coaching them on how to tolerate toxic people in their lives while also staying in line with their values, their actions and how they talk to themselves. So as you are driving, whether they're screaming at you or not, as long as they're not physically harming you, your job is to look ahead, focus on the things that you value, focus on the things that you love, focus on where you're going, what music you've chosen, the temperature and how you are reacting to this situation. We're going to also be practising a lot of mindfulness, because when we are triggered, when someone has said something that perfectly hits our insecurities, we are going to have some very strong emotions. And so we're going to need to be very in tune with our mindfulness. Where are we? What are we doing? What do we see? What do we smell? What do we taste? What does the steering wheel feel like underneath my fingers? We're going to be needing to be as present as we can as we ride these waves of emotions. Now, your homework for this episode is to make a list of rules of how you're going to show up. Are you going to set a boundary? Are you going to find a new route if there are people that aren't healthy for you? Or are you going to learn how to stay in relation with that person? And what rules are you going to set for yourself while you interact with them? Because we can't control other people, we can only control ourselves, so that's really, really important. We want to do this as kindly as we can. So, as always in your anxiety toolkit, I want to give you some tools and skills. The first skill I want to give you is the actual act of setting a boundary. Remember, boundary setting is not telling them what to do because you are not in charge of what they do in their car. You are in charge of what you do in your car. So it's saying, if you act this way, I'm going to respond with this action and this response. The second skill is going to be the art and repetition. Let me say that again, the art and repetition, because it's important of staying present and kind and mindful. Now, what this means is, let's say the person next to you tells you you're an idiot. Your job, when you're being mindful, is to say, oh, I'm noticing they have an opinion, not a fact, about who I am and what I am. But then your job is to either say, I know that's not true, or I don't agree, let's agree to disagree. Or you might say, that is an opinion, not a fact, or that's unhelpful and doesn't help in any way, and so I'm not engaging in that. It's your ability to observe and hear what they said, but not personalise what they said. Now, even I'll tell you a story. A good friend of mine, a darling friend of mine, the other day, we were driving together and she and I were talking about something very personal and she said, I wanted to discuss with you that I noticed that you. And she reflected to me something that she had observed me doing. And she said, I do notice that you do this thing. And it does sometimes make me a little bit uncomfortable. Now, my job is to listen to what she has to say and inquire. Tell me more about that. Okay. Of course, my instinct is to go, no, I would never. I did not. I would never say or do that. How dare you think that about me? But me staying present is also me staying curious about an opinion she had. It doesn't mean she's right, but I can be curious and go, tell me more. Let me understand what you're hearing, because me understanding their experience of me doesn't mean I'm bad or wrong. And. And it doesn't mean they're 100% true. But it allows me to understand their experience of me, their interpretation of me, maybe even their projection on me. And it allows us to be really close. It's not about me saying, you're absolutely wrong. How dare you say one critical thing about me. I do worry about us these days and that we are completely unable to take critical feedback. A huge part of being a good friend or a good wife or a good mom for me is listening to negative feedback and going, tell me more. I want to know. It doesn't mean I'm going to beat myself up. It's just data. Because I already knew I wasn't perfect. I already knew I was faulty. Help me to understand that is what staying present is and how you can build a really healthy relationship. And then the last thing here. So this is something we do talk about a lot in your anxiety toolkit, how to be present. We have a whole module in your anxiety and panic toolkit. It's an online course that you can get@cbtschool.com and we talk and we go into depth of getting to know your triggers and your anxiety and panic. We also identify what are your safety behaviors, what are the things that you do to. To try and run away or, you know, avoid your anxiety. We also talk about tremendous degrees of skills like we're talking about here, so that you can have a different reaction to your anxiety again instead of saying, no, that's impossible, you're going to change that by going, hmm, let me lean in, let me be willing to feel this feeling and let me explore what's going on for me. And then you would in anxiety, your anxiety and panic toolkit, make a specific plan for your recovery, what you want to change, what's important to You. Now, the third of these strategies is to make sure you stay aligned with your values. The main quote unquote rule that you set for yourself is to not veer off in any other direction or route because they have said something to you about you. So if they said, well, you're never going to be a good photographer, why even try? Your job is to not veer away from your love and passion for photography. If they say to you, like, you know you're ugly, don't wear that. Your job is to go, that's an opinion. And I'm going to stay in line with my values of what I think looks good. So the other things here to remember is a part of your anxiety toolkit. The tools you're going to use is you have to remind yourself to let this be messy. When you're in interactions with other human beings, it is going to be messy. It's not going to go perfectly. You will make mistakes, as will they. And our job is to be less perfectionistic about this process. Now, the next thing I want to stress to you is, is we must let people misunderstand us. Let them misunderstand you, Let them not get who you are. That is probably the biggest gift, the kindest gift you can give yourself. When you're in relationship with someone who triggers you, creates a lot of anxiety, you must let them misunderstand you. You must let them not like you. It's okay. Not everyone likes me. That's okay. Please, I would never expect everyone to like me because I don't like everybody. That doesn't mean they're bad. It doesn't mean I'm bad. If they don't like me. It's no different to like, not everyone likes Mexican food. Not everyone likes Taylor Swift. Not everybody. Like, that's just the way the world goes. And please give yourself permission to be misunderstood and not liked by everybody. The next thing is, this is sort of like a point I had to make, which is, please do not argue with an A hole. That is going to be the biggest tip I give you. Especially if you are working with someone who can be condescending, disrespectful, mean, do not argue with A holes. You will not win, right? You will not win against an argument or a conflict with an A hole. So please, just let it be what it is. Let it be. But instead, set gentle and firm boundaries with them with yourself and say, maybe you even have to set a boundary with yourself and say, listen, Kimberly, every time they do that, you totally unravel and you ruminate for hours. The boundary is if that happens again, you are going to commit to not ruminating about this anymore. You're not going to try and solve something that you can't solve. You know, I always love the saying don't. Gosh, I'm going to ruin this saying. Like it says, you're not the jackass whisperer. Like, don't try and change people's minds. You're not the jackass whisperer. I always thought that was so funny and so true. Okay, so here is the conclusion. You deserve to be treated with respect, respect and loving kindness. You never let someone tell you anything. Otherwise, however, there will be a holes on the planet. It's going to happen. But you have control of your car, what happens in your car and how you act in that car, how mindful you are, and whether you engage in all of their trash. Your job is to set strong boundaries with them, strong boundaries with you, and practice the art of repetitive presence, bringing it back to what's important to you, what matters, and the absolute loving kindness of you. Thank you everyone for being here. I am so, so grateful. Your time is so valuable to me. I hope that today was helpful. I hope you have a wonderful day and I will see you next week. Please note that this podcast or any other resources from CBTSchool.com should not replace professional mental health care. If you feel you would benefit, please reach out to a provider in your area. Have a wonderful day and thank you for supporting CBTSchool.com.