Podcast Summary

Your Anxiety Toolkit | Episode 458

Title: How to Handle Anxiety When You're Around Toxic People
Host: Kimberley Quinlan, LMFT
Release Date: November 3, 2025

Overview

In this episode, Kimberley Quinlan, a leading anxiety and OCD specialist, offers listeners practical, science-backed strategies for handling anxiety triggered by interactions with "toxic" or highly triggering people. The episode focuses on equipping you to cope with challenging interactions without ruminating for hours or losing sight of your own identity and self-care. With her signature blend of warmth and clarity, Kimberley walks you through why anxiety intensifies around certain people, how to set and enforce boundaries, the art of “staying in your lane,” and practicing radical self-compassion.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Why Does Anxiety Skyrocket Around Certain People?

[02:00]

• The brain is wired to detect danger, so it naturally increases anxiety around those perceived as unsafe, whether because of actual harm, past experiences, or personal insecurities.
• Sometimes anxiety is triggered by genuine mistreatment; other times, it’s amplified by our own core beliefs, insecurities, or social anxiety.
• Kimberley stresses the importance of reflecting:

  “Is this actually because I’m insecure about something? Or am I struggling with boundaries, communication, conflict, or people pleasing?”
  (Kimberley Quinlan, 05:12)

2. Rethinking the Word "Toxic"

[08:10]

• While the episode title uses "toxic," Kimberley encourages a mindful approach to labels, pointing out that calling someone toxic can unintentionally signal your brain that the situation is truly dangerous.
• She suggests reframing:

  “Instead, say that is someone who triggers me, or someone who doesn’t treat me the way I would like to be treated, or they hit me right where my insecurities are.”
  (Kimberley Quinlan, 09:20)

3. The Metaphor: Driving Your Own Car

[10:15]

• Kimberley shares a metaphor where your life is your own dream car: you control the music, speed, route, and thoughts—others are in their own cars with their own choices.
• Some will lean out their window to criticize or try to control you, but your job is maintaining control over your own car:

  “Your job is to stay in your lane, their job is to stay in their lane. We all get to have autonomy.”
  (Kimberley Quinlan, 11:59)

4. Your Four Options When Dealing With Triggering People

[15:45]

• Option 1 (the unhelpful one): Engage with the negativity, ruminate, and lose control.
  • “It’s not the one I want you to make, and it’s probably the one you’ve taken in the past, as have I. But that is an option.” (Kimberley, 16:01)
• Option 2: Set boundaries. Communicate what you will do if the behavior persists, not what the other person must do.
  • Example: “If you cannot talk to me kindly, I’m going to need to [remove myself/end the conversation/etc.].” (16:47)
• Option 3: If boundaries aren’t respected, you may need to “change your route”—limit or end your contact.
  • Take this step with compassion for yourself, not resentment.
• Option 4: In unavoidable relationships (e.g., work, family), let people “act like a complete butt head” and focus on your response. Mindfully choose not to internalize their negativity.
  • “You have control of your actions and your thoughts about yourself and your actions.” (Kimberley, 18:15)

5. Skills and Tools for Self-Protection

[21:00]

• Setting boundaries: Boundaries are about your own actions, not controlling others.
• The art and repetition of mindfulness:
  • Stay present when triggered, notice your emotions and physical sensations, and consistently bring your focus back to your own values and wellbeing.
• Curiosity over Defensiveness:
  • Listen with curiosity to feedback, even if it’s uncomfortable. Staying curious about others’ perspectives, without immediately personalizing or defending, can foster healthier relationships and offer insight for growth.

    • “Me understanding their experience of me doesn’t mean I’m bad or wrong. And it doesn’t mean they’re 100% true. But it allows me to understand their experience of me, their interpretation of me, maybe even their projection on me.”
      (Kimberley, 25:15)

6. Staying Aligned with Your Values

[27:40]

• Don’t let someone’s criticism divert you from what matters to you. If you love photography and someone belittles that, stay committed to your passion.
• “Remind yourself to let this be messy... our job is to be less perfectionistic about this process.” (Kimberley, 29:01)

7. Let Yourself Be Misunderstood

[30:00]

• It’s liberating and compassionate to let others misunderstand you or dislike you.

  • “Please give yourself permission to be misunderstood and not liked by everybody... It's no different to not everyone liking Mexican food or Taylor Swift.”
    (Kimberley, 30:41)

• Don’t argue with people who are committed to misunderstanding or disrespecting you.
  • “Do not argue with A holes. You will not win... Just let it be. Set gentle and firm boundaries.” (Kimberley, 31:25)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “You have more control over this situation with this person that triggers you than you think.” (Kimberley, 09:09)
• “You’re not the jackass whisperer. Don’t try and change people's minds.” (Kimberley, 34:18)
• “You deserve to be treated with respect and loving kindness. You never let someone tell you anything otherwise. However, there will be a holes on the planet... but you have control of your car.” (Kimberley, 34:50)

Actionable Homework

[22:35]

• Make a list of rules for how you will show up around people who trigger you.
  • Decide: Will you set a boundary? Change your route? Stay in relationship but change how you respond?
  • Set boundaries with yourself to avoid rumination and to protect your peace.

Key Takeaways

• Self-compassion is always the starting point.
• Control what happens “in your car:” your actions, responses, and thoughts.
• Boundaries are about what you will do, not trying to change others.
• Mindfulness and repeated presence help you withstand emotional storms.
• Letting yourself be misunderstood and disliked is part of healthy self-protection.
• Don’t waste energy arguing with people determined not to hear you.

Timestamps for Important Segments

• [02:00] Why anxiety skyrockets around certain people
• [08:10] The problem with labeling people as “toxic”
• [10:15] The car-of-your-life metaphor
• [15:45] Four response options when triggered
• [21:00] Core skills: boundaries, mindfulness, curiosity
• [27:40] Staying connected to your values
• [30:00] Letting yourself be misunderstood
• [31:25] “Don’t argue with A holes” rule
• [34:50] Conclusion and self-empowerment

Conclusion

Kimberley Quinlan masterfully reframes how we view difficult people—not as life-threatening hazards but as triggers we can manage with clarity, boundaries, and self-compassion. By controlling how we respond, mindfully choosing our actions, and releasing the need to be understood or liked by everyone, we can navigate even the most challenging relationships with our wellbeing intact.

A beautiful life is possible—even when sharing the road with people who trigger your anxiety.

(For full courses and tools, visit cbtschool.com. If you need more support, seek professional care.)