Podcast Summary: Your Anxiety Toolkit

Episode 461: How OCD Affects Relationships (And What Partners Need to Know)

Host: Kimberley Quinlan, LMFT
Guest: Christina Allover, OCD Specialist
Date: November 24, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode tackles the nuanced ways Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) impacts intimate relationships and offers guidance for both the person with OCD and their partner. Host Kimberley Quinlan and guest Christina Allover—herself an OCD specialist and someone with lived experience—discuss practical strategies, emotional realities, and the foundational skills needed to thrive together despite the presence of OCD. The conversation is warm, honest, and deeply practical, aiming to empower both partners with empathy and tools to maintain and nurture healthy connection.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Unique Challenges of OCD in Relationships

• Lived Experience: Christina shares her personal and professional connection to the topic, noting both she and her husband have OCD, each with unique manifestations (ROCD, checking, etc.).
  • [01:36] Christina Allover: “I've really learned about this in later life. And I've recently got married...my now husband, well, he also has OCD. So...it's been an interesting dynamic to navigate.”
• Relationships Are Multi-Layered: The health of the relationship itself is fundamental; OCD is an added complexity on top of existing relational dynamics.
  • [02:50] Christina Allover: “Relationships are not just one dimensional. There's so many layers and complexities...all of those areas can have a lot of other variables that will impact the relationship. But then also on top of it, you layer the OCD component. Now you have this extra feature that you have to work through.”

Foundations for a Healthy Relationship (with or without OCD)

• Friendship at the Core: A truly supportive relationship—regardless of challenges—must be built on genuine friendship, safety, and openness.
  • Importance of vulnerability and being able to bring your “true self” to your partner.
  • [04:04] Christina Allover: “Building something that really has a solid friendship foundation is so critical where you...generally want to spend time with [each other]...Because end of the day, whatever happens in life, you know, that's your person.”
• Self-Reflection: Recognize unhealthy patterns and do the self-work to make different relationship choices.

Common Partner Experiences & Challenges

• Spectrum of Responses: Partners may range from distancing themselves (“this is your thing to deal with”) to over-accommodation and emotional burnout.
  • [07:27] Christina Allover: “I've seen myself, people who are...‘Hey, this is your thing to manage. I really don't want to deal with this’ all the way to...accommodating everything...feeling guilty...”
• Compassion Fatigue & Burnout: Even the most supportive partners may become exhausted, resentful, or overwhelmed.
  • The importance of reciprocal understanding: both the person with OCD and the partner need empathy for each other’s experience.
  • [07:27] Christina Allover: “I've also hear where they're on the side of, like, ‘I love this person...but there's...compassion fatigue...these dynamics that as a partner, when you're receiving them and you're in this all the time...it's tough because you really are being burnt out.’”

Skills for Navigating Tough Moments and Patterns

• Communication Basics:
  • Each partner should be able to honestly express what they want in a calm, non-defensive environment.
  • [10:23] Christina Allover: “Every person has to be able to express just again, unencumbered, unfiltered...have the patience to actually be quiet and really hear. Like, actually hear.”
  • Active listening and reflecting back: “So I think what you’re saying is X…” and “What do you think I’m saying?”
• Team Mentality:
  • Frame problems as something you are tackling together rather than as adversaries.
  • [18:29] Christina Allover: “Remember, like, you chose this person for a reason. You love them, right? Like, you're on the same team. You're not against each other.”
• Timing and Taking Space:
  • Know when to take a break during conflict. Step away and return when emotions have cooled (“the half-hour rule”).
  • [15:41] Christina Allover: “At least for half an hour. At least. I don't care what you do. Go to separate rooms. Just do not engage. Give time, because you need the brain and the body to calm down.”
• Patience & Trust:
  • Progress is slow. Both must be patient—with themselves and each other—and notice small, positive changes.
  • Signals of safety (gentle touch, verbal reassurance that you’ll return) build trust—even in conflict.
  • [42:57] Christina Allover: “If you do it over time, what happens is you're organically building trust in each other.”
• Don’t Keep Tallies or ‘Negative Stack’:
  • Avoid the mental habit of listing your partner’s “failings”—this erodes goodwill and deepens resentment.
  • [24:55] Christina Allover: “When you start to negatively stack, the more you do that, the more you are creating a feeling ... then it's going to get really hard to see past that feeling because the feeling starts to grow.”

Memorable Example

• Christina’s Door-Checking Story ([10:23]):
  • Christina recounts a moment of frustration with her husband's checking compulsion—even as an OCD specialist! After cooling off, they reconvened with love and curiosity, leading to deeper understanding.
  • [10:23] Christina Allover: “I said, ‘Hey…I love you. I'm on your team. I'm not against you, but I just want to know what can be more helpful…’”

Setting Limits and Boundaries

• Guidelines for Accommodation:
  • Families need reasonable boundaries (e.g., “I’ll remind you once, not repeatedly”; “We’ll wait X minutes, then if you’re stuck, we’ll go”).
  • [29:14] Christina Allover: “You have to create some parameters and ground rules because it's just not realistic to always accommodate and wait ... we will wait for X time, but ... we agree, then I'm going to head out and go do what I need to do and then we can talk about it afterwards.”
• Balancing Support and Not Over-functioning:
  • Avoid taking on a therapist or parent role. If the relationship is becoming too caretaker-based, step back, express your experience, and reset boundaries.
  • [34:19] Christina Allover: “Being able to really ... get a better understanding of how you got here. What about this isn't working ... I say this is where we want to get back into healthier boundaries ... learning how to be a little uncomfortable, which means saying, ‘Hey, I'm going to have to start to say no. And that's going to be a full sentence.’”

Championing One Another and Celebrating Progress

• Don’t Wait Until They “Deserve” It:
  • Cheering on your partner’s efforts (even small ones) is more motivating than criticism.
  • [28:19] Kimberly Quinlan: “As your homework, go home and cheer them on and say, ‘You’ve got this babe, I believe in you’... that was actually what helped.”
• Deliberate Practice of Noticing Success:
  • Point out wins—big or small (e.g., “You only checked the door for 10 instead of 20 minutes. Awesome!”).
  • Share your own efforts at healthy behavior as well.

Prioritizing the Relationship Beyond OCD

• Protect Couple Time and Joy:
  • Make space for activities that are just about you two, not about OCD, kids, or chores—whether that’s playing a game together, going for a walk, or anything fun.
  • [38:36] Kimberley Quinlan: “You need to have something you do that is just for you. And I think that when OCD is in the game, that's the first thing you lose.”

Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• On Foundations:
  • [04:04] Christina Allover: “...building something that really has a solid friendship foundation is so critical where you just like it's truly somebody you genuinely want to spend time with...”
• On Compassion Fatigue:
  • [07:27] Christina Allover: “...there's this, like, compassion fatigue. Like, yeah, we talk about...being kind...communicate better...But how do we do this? ...it's hard to not take it personally...”
• On Communication:
  • [10:23] Christina Allover: “...have the patience to actually be quiet and really hear. Like, actually hear what they're saying. Take a minute and take it in to really grasp what they're saying.”
• On Team Mindset:
  • [18:29] Christina Allover: “...you're on the same team. You're not against each other...let's honor that love. Let's honor that kindness.”
• On Negative Stacking:
  • [24:55] Christina Allover: “...negative stacking, which is absolutely true, because when you start to negatively stack, the more you do that, the more you are creating a feeling..”
• On Patience and Progress:
  • [17:00] Christina Allover: “...patience is not easy. So now you have to be patient and take a breath yourself, pull back, let it be, go do something else. Let the person. And then you watch. And then what I think is the last piece...is that...both you are seeing changes.”
• On Boundaries:
  • [34:19] Christina Allover: “...we want to get back into healthier boundaries...learning how to be a little uncomfortable, which means saying, hey, I'm going to have to start to say no. And that's going to be a full sentence.”
• On Slowing Down:
  • [39:50] Christina Allover: “Honestly, the thing that really comes to mind is just slowing down because things really go very fast. And when OCD is up...all those dynamics give you a whole different way you're going to respond...”
• On Trust:
  • [42:57] Christina Allover: “What happens is you're organically building trust in each other...you get to trust and relax in knowing that, okay, we could have these moments, we can have these disagreements, and it's okay, we'll come out of it.”

Practical Takeaways & Tools

For Both Partners

• Build a solid friendship and regular connection outside of OCD concerns.
• Address issues as a team, not as adversaries.
• Deliberately practice pausing and timing difficult conversations for when you are both calm.

For Partners of People with OCD

• Watch for patterns of over-accommodation. Set limits lovingly but firmly.
• Share how you’re feeling—not just what you want changed.
• Celebrate their efforts, however small; try to be their champion, not their critic.

For People with OCD

• Acknowledge the impact of OCD on your partner.
• Make space for your partner’s limits and boundaries, even if uncomfortable.
• Seek support (professional therapy, group, etc.) if issues are overwhelming.

For Both

• Practice small acts of kindness and reassurance that affirm your team mentality.
• Prioritize activities or rituals just for you as a couple/family.
• Seek couples therapy proactively—not just when “things are bad.”

Final Words

Both hosts underscore that healthy relationships are dynamic, and everyone (with or without OCD) has “human” moments. Cultivating communication, flexibility, patience, and a sense of togetherness is a lifelong journey—and it’s always okay to seek extra support. As Kimberley notes, “A beautiful life is possible!”