Podcast Summary: Your Anxiety Toolkit

Episode 462: "Your Holiday Anxiety Isn't About the Holidays"

Host: Kimberley Quinlan, LMFT (Anxiety & OCD Specialist)
Release Date: December 4, 2025

Main Theme & Purpose

In this episode, Kimberley Quinlan explores why holiday anxiety is rarely about the holidays themselves. Instead, she reveals how internal and external expectations, social pressures, past traumas, and people-pleasing play a much larger role. The episode is filled with compassionate, practical strategies for managing anxiety, depression, OCD, and other mental health challenges during this notoriously stressful season.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Real Roots of Holiday Anxiety

• Holidays aren't inherently distressing — it's the pressures and expectations (both internal and external) that make them so.

  "The holidays will often bring up very big feelings...but the stress you're feeling mightn't necessarily be because of the holidays themselves. Let me explain what I mean. Often it's about the expectations that come from the holidays."
  — Kimberley Quinlan [02:14]

• There is immense pressure to appear cheerful and joyful, but it’s normal to feel a full spectrum of emotions.
• Normalizing ALL emotions during holidays is crucial; "There’s no such thing as a good and a bad emotion." [03:15]

2. How Expectations Fuel Anxiety

• Internal Expectations: Self-imposed standards or ideals, like needing to “do the holidays right.”
• External Expectations: Family, cultural, or social rules about how holidays “should” look—often unrealistic.
• "Both of these pressures can be dropped or reduced. We can let go of the expectations, we can let go of the pressures, and we can find other ways to cope." [04:20]

3. Why Symptoms Spike During the Holidays

• Social Anxiety: Holiday events can be exhausting, especially for introverts. Pressure to socialize, make small talk, or update others on personal achievements can be overwhelming.

  "Social anxiety is often the fear of being judged." [06:17]

• Comparison Trap: Social media makes everyone else’s holidays look perfect, amplifying insecurity.
• Financial Pressure: Gift giving can bring major guilt or stress, especially under financial constraints. Value is not tied to spending.

  "Please don't put that pressure on yourself. What we want to do here with Skills is we want to set a budget that honors your limits." [08:53]

• Fear of Being Triggered: Past traumatic experiences tied to the holidays—not just for OCD, but also for eating disorders, loss, or depression.

  "Maybe a previous holiday season was a very tough season for us...the holidays remind us of just how painful that time was." [11:07]

4. Compassionate Coping Strategies

For Social Anxiety

• Attend events if possible—as a way to gently practice exposure skills and self-compassion.

  "Go to the event if you can because you’ll be much happier if you do." [07:57]

• It’s okay to leave early or decline if it’s too much.
• Remind yourself: "Nobody is thinking about you nearly as much as you think they are. They're probably having the same insecurities that you are." [08:36]

For Financial Stress

• Set and communicate a budget for gifts.
• Homemade or heartfelt gifts are just as—if not more—meaningful than expensive ones.
• Don’t overextend yourself to prove your love or worth.

For OCD/Eating Disorders/Depression

• OCD: Practice exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy; watch for triggers like contamination fears or intrusive thoughts.
• Eating Disorders: Anticipate triggering comments about bodies/food; practice grounding before and after meals.
• "I remember with my eating disorder...I used to go on a mad diet before the holidays in fear that someone would comment on my body." [12:06]
• Depression: Increased anxiety about falling into depression is common—seek extra support, remember growth, and leverage new coping skills.

For People-Pleasing & Setting Boundaries

• Practice saying "no"—setting boundaries is a loving act toward yourself.

  "Saying no is not selfish, it is a loving act towards you and your mental health." [16:47]

• You don’t need a “good enough” excuse to set a boundary.
• Get clear on what matters to YOU—not what matters to others.

For Managing Energy

• Visualize your nervous system as a battery—honor what charges or drains it.
• Take strategic breaks (even just to take out the trash, a tip from Brené Brown) to reset your energy.

  "My energy battery runs very, very fast in social settings...after that, I need a little break." [18:26]

For Handling Diet/Body Image Talk

• Wear clothes you feel good in, not what you “should” wear.
• Give yourself permission to avoid food/body talk; opt out of conversations that disturb your peace.
• Nourish your body with what feels good, not what fits anyone else's plans.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Normalizing Emotions:

  "All of the emotions you feel are very suitable for human beings. So I want to normalize all of the emotions."
  [03:07]

• On Comparison & Social Media:

  "Everyone looks perfect. But it is really important to remember that what you see on Internet and on social media isn't always the truth."
  [06:50]

• On Redefining Holiday Success:

  "What if you let good enough actually be good enough?"
  [22:16]

• On the Purpose of Boundaries:

  "You don't need a good enough excuse to set a boundary."
  [16:10]

• On Self-Compassion:

  "We always want to make self compassion the highest priority during any uncomfortable period. But especially during the holidays..."
  [03:22]

Timestamps for Important Segments

• [02:14] – Holidays vs. expectations: The source of most holiday anxiety.
• [04:20] – Internal and external pressure; how to recognize and release them.
• [06:04] – Social anxiety & holiday parties; the fear of judgment.
• [08:00] – Coping skills: Attend events, practice exposure, allow yourself to set limits.
• [08:53] – Gift-giving stress: Money limits and meaningful gifts.
• [11:07] – Past holiday traumas and fear of triggers.
• [12:06] – Family comments and their impact on eating/body image.
• [13:39] – Depression, and preparing for symptoms.
• [16:10] – Setting boundaries and resisting people-pleasing.
• [18:26] – Managing your energy battery with practical breaks.
• [22:16] – Final encouragement: Permission to do less and redefine “good enough.”

Closing Words

Kimberley wraps up with reminders that the holidays are not a test for mental health, compassion is key, and giving yourself permission to prioritize healing is vital. Your value is not defined by holiday performance or meeting others’ expectations.

"You are not broken because this season feels hard and uncomfortable. It is hard for most people... I see you. I hope you feel really, really seen and understood in this episode."
[20:55]

This episode offers a hug in audio form, practical wisdom, and gentle permission to put your mental health first this holiday season.