Your Anxiety Toolkit — Episode 467
"How to Calm Your Mind Before Bed: Anxiety Relief for Sleep-Trouble Nights"
Host: Kimberley Quinlan, LMFT
Date: January 7, 2026

Episode Overview

This episode explores practical, science-based strategies for easing nighttime anxiety and improving your sleep routine. Host Kimberley Quinlan, a seasoned anxiety and OCD specialist, demystifies why so many people struggle mentally at bedtime and offers actionable guidance on how to transform your experience of lying awake at night. Her core message is both validating and empowering: by shifting your mindset and adopting gentle, research-backed habits, you can enjoy more restful nights—even if sleep doesn't come easily.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Why Nighttime Anxiety Gets Worse

• Fewer Distractions:
  “When the lights are out, it kind of creates space for more thoughts or for the thoughts to feel at least a lot louder.” (02:04)
• Pressure to Sleep:
  Placing value on ‘falling asleep quickly’ increases anxiety, cortisol, and adrenaline.
• Thought Suppression Backfires:
  The more you try to push anxious or intrusive thoughts away, the more they resurface.

2. The Foundation: Shift Your Goal from ‘Sleep’ to ‘Rest’

• “The goal is not to sleep. The goal is for your body to rest. And that pivot is a foundation of the work that we’re doing here.” (03:49)
• Sleep can’t be forced; trying harder raises arousal and anxiety. Instead, focus on just resting — whether or not sleep comes.

3. Four Core Strategies for Calming Your Mind Before Bed

Step 1: Aim for Rest, Not Sleep

• Avoid clock-watching or calculating lost hours (“Now it’s only five hours until I wake up...”).
• Restful moments, even without sleep, are valuable for body and mind.

Step 2: Slow Down — Physically & Mentally

• “I want you to imagine that you are a sleep sloth… slow and gentle and kind and curious and open. And that’s how I want you to be.” (06:07)
• Slow your physical actions approaching bedtime.
• Respond to racing thoughts with gentle observation rather than fast, catastrophic reactions.
• Controlled breathing: especially slow the out-breath to send safety signals to your brain (“...slow that breath down as well. Especially, especially the out breath.” 08:05).

Step 3: Create a Sleep-Nurturing Routine

• Sleep Hygiene:
  • Limit screens and stimulating activities before bed (referenced in an anecdote about Kimberley’s son – “He was all wriggly… all this jitter in my body.” 09:13).
  • Incorporate progressive muscle relaxation to reduce tension.
  • “Often by the time we go to bed we’re like very, very tense… So doing some kind of progressive muscle relaxation can also help just slowly ease you into rest.” (10:10)
• Wind-Down Buffer:
  • Start winding down well before intended sleep (“Give yourself plenty of time to fall asleep.” 11:11)
  • Prepare for bed at least an hour ahead.

Step 4: Be Gentle and Kind

• “No matter how hard it gets, we are committing to focusing on kindness as our only goal.” (13:03)
• Soothe distress instead of fueling it with self-criticism or catastrophizing.
• Validate fears of being tired, but challenge the idea that exhaustion is dangerous.
• “When I didn’t sleep and if I was really tired, but I promised myself I would take care of myself when I was tired and I wouldn’t judge myself for any emotions that arose, Being tired wasn’t scary anymore.” (13:59)

Advice for Difficult Nights

• If you can’t sleep, don’t force yourself to remain in bed.
  “If you are in bed and you are wide awake and you cannot fall asleep, it’s totally okay to get up, remove yourself from the bed, go and do something quiet…” (12:32)
• Avoid associating the bed with stress or anxiety.
• Try a quiet activity and return to bed once you’re feeling more settled.
• If sleep remains elusive, be compassionate rather than angry.

Handling Intrusive Thoughts & Rumination

• Recognize and gently observe intrusive thoughts; don’t try to suppress or engage.
• Slow down your reaction: “My response to these thoughts and this anxiety is going to be slow too.” (07:01)
• If you struggle with rumination, consider dedicating time during the day to practice thought-management tools (Kimberley mentions her “Rumination Reset” course as a resource).

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Sleep isn’t something you do. It’s something that happens. It’s not something you can force yourself to have. It’s something that you fall into.” (04:20)
• “You want to slowly respond… By going, ok, I’m observing a thought. I’m going to respond slowly. I’m not going to respond with urgency.” (07:10)
• “Start to become a real scientist on what works for you, not for Auntie Martha, not for Uncle Joe, but what works for you.” (16:10)

Recap of the Four-Step Approach

(16:41)

1. Rest—Not Sleep—is the Goal
2. Slowing Down—Body and Mind
3. Create a Personalized, Gentle Bedtime Routine
4. Unconditional Gentleness with Self, No Matter What

Closing Reassurance

Kimberley repeatedly validates fears and frustrations around insomnia, emphasizing that it’s natural to feel anxious or worried about tiredness. But with kindness, acceptance, and practical routines, you can foster a more peaceful relationship with bedtime—even before sleep improves.

Timestamps for Important Segments

• [02:04] — Why anxiety gets worse at night
• [03:49] — The crucial mindset shift: rest instead of sleep
• [06:07] — Slow down like a “sleep sloth”
• [09:13] — The importance of a wind-down routine
• [10:10] — Progressive muscle relaxation explained
• [11:11] — Building in time to fall asleep
• [12:32] — What to do if you can’t sleep
• [13:03] — Practicing gentleness and self-compassion
• [16:10] — Making your routine work for you
• [16:41] — Recap of the four-step approach

Kimberley’s gentle, relatable tone—mixed with personal anecdotes and professional wisdom—makes this episode a practical, comforting guide for anyone struggling with anxious, sleepless nights. The central message: You are not alone, and with rest-focused, compassionate steps, restful nights are possible.