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Your Anxiety Toolkit - Practical Skills for Anxiety, Panic & Depression
469 How to Stop Overthinking EVERYTHING (Even If You Can't Control It)
00:19:41
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If overthinking was an Olympic sport, most of us would be standing on the podium with a gold medal, we have to add. But we would be exhausted. We would be completely overwhelmed, and we would feel like we don't even really deserve to be here. This was a complete waste of our time. And so what we want to do today is talk about how we can stop overthinking and understand why we do the overthinking that we do. So, number one, overthinking shows up when we care deeply. It's often when we want to avoid a deep sensation of regret, or we don't want to do any harm, or we don't want to create problems. We don't want to make mistakes. It's our brain desperately trying to protect us from uncertainty and shame and fear and loss and all. All of the emotions that go along with that. It feels irresponsible to not be engaging in rumination, and it feels responsible to ruminate. It feels necessary to ruminate, and it feels productive to try and figure this thing out. But the very thing that you're doing and trying to feel better about is actually keeping you stuck. Think about it like this image. You're stuck. You're bogged in the dirt, in the mud. And it feels like the best thing you can do is to push and push and push. But in many cases, you're not getting anywhere. It's not effective, and before you know it, you're dirty, you're deeper than you thought, everyone's exhausted, and you haven't gotten anywhere at all. So welcome to your anxiety toolkit. This is a podcast where I teach you everything I know about anxiety. I'm an anxiety specialist, and I've been doing this for over 10 years. I want to teach you how to overcome anxiety so you can live your. Your biggest, most beautiful, boldest life. Let's talk about now what we are going to cover in this video and in this episode of your anxiety toolkit. Number one, we are going to talk about why you struggle to stop overthinking, because it's very, very common. Number two, we're going to really talk about the difference between problem solving and just mental looping. We're going to talk about six specific strategies that I teach on how to stop ruminating and stop overthinking. And then before, we're going to talk about how to make these changes long term. Now, here is the thing I want you to remember. You do not have to think your way to safety. You don't have to control every outcome to feel good and to feel calm and safe. You do not need to be perfect. There is another way to get that peace of mind that you're looking for without all the rumination. Let's talk about why we overthink. Now overthinking is a form of mental avoidance. It gives the illusion of control. It gives the illusion if something is solvable when it actually isn't. Usually when we're overthinking, we're over analyzing again, thinking. There's nothing wrong with thinking. I don't want us to put a bad rap or negative spin on thinking. But the overthinking is when we put too much emphasis on this idea of, of coming up with solutions and catastrophizing and letting our brain go to that worst case scenario and spending a lot of time giving that a lot of our attention. Now, it's important for you to understand that our brain, especially if you're someone who has anxiety, that is me, I'm guessing it's probably you too, because you're listening to your anxiety toolkit. Our brain overestimates the threat or the risk and underestimates your ability to cope. So in almost every situation when we're overthinking, that is the equation that is happening. Now. I want to first clarify. This is not saying that it's your fault that you're having intrusive thoughts or that your brain catastrophizes or that you ruminate or you're doing mental compulsions. That this is not about blame, it's not about whose fault it is. It's not about making you feel bad. Because none of this is your fault. You are literally doing what we have been trained and what we have evolved. And we'll talk about that in a couple of slides. You have evolved to overthink. In many cases it was adaptive. Adaptive means it allowed you to grow and, and become a part of the next generation and not die off as a species. Right, as a human species. But there is a limit to which we want to do this behavior. Because now, in today's day and age, we overthink everything under the illusion that we have control, under the illusion that it's our responsibility to stop mistakes and problems from happening. Now, rumination or worrying or reviewing or mental compulsions, these what if scenarios, these are an attempt to prevent discomfort. But if you were to imagine a roller coaster, it's like getting stuck on that you're going around and around like maybe like a mouse and a wheel is you're going around and around Trying to prevent discomfort. But the act of trying to prevent discomfort is creating discomfort. And the act of trying to prevent discomfort is false and not important. We humans have a great capacity to feel discomfort and anxiety and uncertainty. And we actually want to increase our ability to feel that feeling, not decrease it. That is maladaptive. That is a problem for us as human beings. And as us as a human species, we actually want to get better at being uncomfortable. Now, what I want you to remember here is it makes complete sense that your brain wants to feel prepared. It wants to feel like it knows what could happen and it can troubleshoot. I was just listening to an audiobook the other day, it was actually a business audiobook. And they were talking, stressing over and over, like having a plan B, have a plan B, have a plan B. Always shoot for the stars, Always take risks, but always have a plan B. And that's good advice. But I think, and I kind of had a giggle to myself because we're walking around every day always making sure we have a plan B for every scenario. And it's exhausting. It's just too much. And often we don't need a plan B for all the things. Now, as I mentioned before, you're not broken for overthinking. You have been wired to overthink. You have been wired to ruminate. But we have to unlearn this urgency that us anxious folks have on solving it right away. This is in our DNA. So again, it's nobody's fault. But we want to stretch ourselves and have the challenge and learn and strengthen our ability to actually have uncertainty and to strength, have discomfort and have strength in that discomfort. Now let's talk about the overthinking control trap. I want you to think about one of those Venus fly traps. I think that's what they're called. I always get the name of that wrong. It's like that, that plant that snaps the minute the bug goes inside it. I don't know a lot about it, but I find them absolutely fascinating. Overthinking is just like that. So overthinking is trying to find certainty in uncertain situations. Often clients will say, I've been up all night trying to figure this out, and I couldn't. And I say to them it's probably because it was never figureoutable in the first place. And that's the trap we get caught into. We get caught into this again, illusion or this perceived ideal that if I just think about this hard enough, I'll come up with the perfect decision. Or if I Just go over every scenario. I can prevent bad things from happening. Now, studies show that overthinking increases your cortisol levels, it increases decision fatigue, it increases avoidance behaviors and procrastinations, and it actually reinforces your fear because as you're thinking and trying to solve this scary thing from happening, you're reinforcing that fear on your nervous system. So it's not helping you, it's draining you. And I know you know this. I don't want to be condescending or patronizing by saying that, but I also want to make sure we're really clear that this overthinking, this over attention on trying to solve is actually pretty detrimental. Now, I have six specific tools to help you stop overthinking.
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Big hugs.
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And now let's get back to the show.
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Okay, so tip number one is you have to name it to tame it. Dan Siegel, an amazing author that talks about name it to tame it all the time. And what's so important here is that you name or you label, label the action. You might say, this is overthinking, this is not problem solving. And so you're identified that I'm stuck in something that's probably unsolvable or the benefit of this time I'm spending is very small and disproportionate and isn't really a good return on investment. Now that can be so important. Just being able to identify it can be something that could help you stop it right there. Not for everybody, of course, but that is a really, really good place to start. Now, number two is to ask yourself this question, is this productive or am I just going in circles? Now what we want to do here is we want to train our brain to notice when we've moved from reflection to rumination. That's such an important step. We want to be able to identify the difference between is this productive or is this not productive? That in and of itself, again, can be very helpful. Now, a lot of you are like, yeah, duh, I know it's unproductive, but I can't stop doing it anyway. If that's you, let's keep moving on to step number three. Number three, give yourself a worry time. Now, we actually talk about this in our online course called the Rumination Reset. It is an online course where I made it because so many people were asking me. Students, clients, people, therapists were saying, we need one course that solves one problem, and it's to figure out how to reduce these mental rumination, this spiral going down the rabbit hole. Now, this is a course that will be me walking you through exactly what I do for myself and what I teach my clients so that you can learn how to do deeply look at what you're doing, what's getting in your way, and specific steps to help you reduce that. But this part is really huge. Number three, which is giving yourself worry time. We talk about this a lot in the course. This is where we say, if you have come across an intrusive thought or a fear or a problem, you're going to set a timer for three to 10 minutes and you're going to work at solving it. Now, solving it is actual actions you can take to solve this problem. And there has to be an actual problem. The problem can't be a thought you had, because a thought is not a problem. It has to be like, all right, I. I have a hole in my shoe. Okay, what's the solution to getting a hole out of my shoe? Okay, I'm gonna go. I could prepare it. I could wear extra socks, or I could go buy new shoes. Which one would I like to do? Make a plan. Go do that. Whereas if your fear is like, what if such and such happens? Well, then you're going to have to be really aware that solving that is going to take a lot more than 10 minutes. And you will be ruminating because you now you're just spinning off what ifs. Now, out of the three to 10 minutes, I am going to strongly, strongly advise you to stay away from 10 minutes. I've given you 10 minutes. Sometimes you need 10. But I would prefer you to be spending three minute chunks or closer to three minute chunks, because as you learn this skill, you're going to find it's very easy to fall back into that trap of rumination. So you're going to keep it at 3. If you need more time, you can start the clock again, but you're going to do it in small chunks. Number four is lean into uncertainty. This is really the golden ticket. Your job is to sort of remind yourself it's okay not to know everything. I'm not irresponsible for not having a solution to every single possible problem that could happen. The ability to be uncertain is key to any form of anxiety. If you have an anxiety disorder, if you struggle with anxiety, you are going to have to practice strengthening the muscle of being able to tolerate uncertainty. And I swear to you, I promise you, you will not regret it. It will make you so strong. I cannot believe I don't even recognize myself compared to the younger Kimberly. Very short window of tolerance for uncertainty. So I'm going to strongly encourage you to do a lot of reps of that. Now, number five is mindfulness and self compassion. Now, this is a big part of the course. I'm. I haven't got enough time right here to go deep into this, but ultimately, what we want to be able to do is identify and observe a thought instead of fuse with it. Um, so again, you want to be able to go, okay, this is a thought. This is actually not a problem that I need to solve right now. Another part is don't fight it, don't wrestle with it. Don't try and, you know, suppress your thoughts, because the more you suppress your thoughts, the more thoughts you're going to have. And that compassion piece is be super gentle with yourself. This is really, really hard. And when things are really, really hard, that's an opportunity or like a flag to lean in with kindness, not mean criticism. Okay, We've talked a lot about that in all of our podcasts and all of our courses. But it's so important when it comes to overthinking. Don't beat yourself up. It's not your fault. Number six, this one is so big. It's called attention control training. This is where you. Once you've identified that you're ruminating or you're overthinking, once you've brought attention, you've observed the thought, you're trying not to fuse with it, then you have to learn to redirect your attention to something that actually matters. And you are going to have to do this on repeat over and over and over and over and over. Because again, our brain, based on the DNA and our Genetics. Our brain's job is to tell us of all of the potential bad things that may happen. And so your job is to go, thank you, Brain, for that. But we are baking a cake right now. Thank you, Brain. I know you're worried, but we are baking a cake right now. Thank you, Brain. I know you have extra points that you think is so important, but we're baking a cake right now, and you're just bringing your attention over and over and over back to what you're doing. Now, this might sound easier said than done, and that's because it is. But generally, that's what this work is all about. Okay, we can go into deeper training with this, but for right now, this is the thing I want you to take away. Okay, Once again, we go way deep into this. When it comes to the rumination reset, I strongly encourage you to head over to CBT school and check that out. Okay? Now here are the things to remember. Number one, you do not need to think left. You need to take more action. And what I mean by that is we're not saying that you shouldn't have thoughts. Thoughts aren't bad, you know, you could have thoughts when you're being mindful. Thinking is a part of being alive. So we can't stop thinking, but we want to be in action where we're actually in our life, not thinking about our life. The goal isn't to figure it all out. The goal is to live your life even if you haven't got it figured or all out. And that is a skill and a strength that you will get over time. Now, the last piece here is self compassion is the antidote to the pressure that you're feeling to get everything right or to be perfect. A lot of overthinking, a lot of rumination comes from this underlying theme of anxiety called perfectionism. So we want to really practice giving ourselves slack, humbling ourselves by saying, I don't need to be perfect, in fact, I never will achieve that. And giving yourself the capacity and the vulnerability to accept that. Thank you so much for being here. I cannot tell you how much I am honored that you spend your valuable time with me. If you're new here, welcome. If you're listening to this in the podcast, please do subscribe. Follow along. I love having you here. If you're listening or watching this on YouTube again, please subscribe. I want you to learn this stuff. I want you to get really, really helpful free information so that you can go and live your best life. I have trained for this. I could do this in my sleep. I all I want is for you to take 1% or 10%, preferably 100% of it, and apply it. Don't just binge on this for the sake of it. Go and put it into action, but do follow and subscribe so that we can keep building on these skills as we go. Now, again, I'm so grateful for you being here. It is truly an honor and I cannot wait to see you next week. All right, see you then.
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Please note that this podcast or any other resources from CBTSchool.com should not replace.
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Professional mental health care.
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If you feel you would benefit, please reach out to a provider in your area. Have a wonderful day and thank you for supporting CBTSchool.com.