Bonus Episode: Why Your Brain Won't Let Things Go (And What to Do Instead)

Summary

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Episode Overview

Podcast: Your Anxiety Toolkit — Practical Skills for Anxiety, Panic & Depression
Host: Kimberley Quinlan, LMFT
Episode: Bonus Episode: Why Your Brain Won't Let Things Go (And What to Do Instead)
Date: May 15, 2026

Main Theme:
In this special episode, Kimberley Quinlan unpacks the scientific and psychological reasons why some brains get "stuck" on certain thoughts, unable to let go or move on. Drawing from over 15 years as an anxiety specialist, she explains the rumination cycle—why problem-solving can backfire, the role of self-criticism, and science-backed strategies for breaking free. Listeners walk away with practical skills to develop a healthier relationship with their thoughts and anxiety.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Why Your Brain Won't Let Things Go [00:02]

• Common Misconception:
  Many believe overthinking or the inability to let go is because they "haven’t figured it out yet."

  • Quote: "The more you try to figure it out, the more stuck you actually become." (Kimberley Quinlan, 00:02)

• The Solving = Safety Trap:
  The brain connects solving problems or analyzing situations with feeling safe. Each time someone seeks certainty and gets relief, this pattern gets reinforced.

  • Quote: "That relief is actually the problem. Because every time you feel better after solving, your brain learns, oh, this worked. Let's do it again next time." (Kimberley Quinlan, 01:08)

• The Endless Loop:
  The cycle perpetuates itself—each relief from solving invites more rumination.

  • This is termed the "rumination cycle."

2. The Role of Self-Criticism [02:12]

• Self-Blame Intensifies Rumination:
  Beyond just trying to "fix" thoughts, self-criticism ("Why am I like this?") piles on additional stress, shame, and urgency.

  • Quote: "That self-criticism feels motivating...This just adds more pressure to an already overwhelming system." (Kimberley Quinlan, 02:18)

• Illusion of Helpfulness:
  Being hard on oneself feels responsible but only fuels the anxiety cycle.

3. What Actually Helps: Willingness & Compassionate Acceptance [04:24]

• Move Away from Solving:
  Rather than asking, "How do I figure this out?" the shift is to, "What would I do right now if I wasn’t anxious?"

• Introduction of Willingness (Acceptance):

  • Willingness is not agreement with thoughts but staying present with discomfort, not running away.
  • Quote: "Willingness doesn't mean you want the thoughts or the anxiety...Willingness means you stop running away from the experience." (Kimberley Quinlan, 04:38)

• Practical Steps:

  1. Notice the thought.
  2. Name it ("This is my brain trying to solve").
  3. Respond kindly: “It’s okay that this is here,” or “It makes complete sense that this is hard for me.”
  4. Gently return attention to what matters to you.
  • Quote: "You don't have to get rid of the thought. You don't have to answer it...You're just choosing not to follow it." (Kimberley Quinlan, 05:40)

• Unlearning the Pattern:
  The cycle is a learned pattern, not a sign you're "broken." Patterns can be unlearned through practice.

4. Encouragement & Final Reminders [06:45]

• Affirmation:

  • Quote: "If your brain won't let things go, it's not because you're broken. It's just because your brain has learned a pattern. And the good news is, patterns can be unlearned." (Kimberley Quinlan, 06:49)
  • Every person is more capable than they think of tolerating discomfort.

• Signature Encouragement:

  • Quote: "It is a beautiful day to do hard things. There is nothing you cannot tolerate...you can't learn to have a really healthy, kind relationship with." (Kimberley Quinlan, 07:10)

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Notable Quotes

• "The more you try to figure it out, the more stuck you actually become." [00:02]
• "That relief is actually the problem. Because every time you feel better after solving, your brain learns, oh, this worked. Let's do it again next time." [01:08]
• "That self-criticism feels motivating...This just adds more pressure to an already overwhelming system." [02:18]
• "Willingness doesn't mean you want the thoughts or the anxiety...Willingness means you stop running away from the experience." [04:38]
• "If your brain won't let things go, it's not because you're broken. It's just because your brain has learned a pattern. And the good news is, patterns can be unlearned." [06:49]
• "It is a beautiful day to do hard things." [07:10]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:02 — Why figuring it out isn’t the answer; the real reason thoughts stick.
• 01:05 — The rumination cycle explained; why relief traps you in the loop.
• 02:12 — The impact of self-criticism and emotional self-pressure.
• 04:24 — Willingness as an antidote to rumination; practical mindset shifts.
• 06:49 — Reassurance that everyone can learn these skills; patterns can be changed.
• 07:10 — Empowering wrap-up and encouragement to listeners.

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Overall Tone

Kimberley’s approach is empathetic, encouraging, and practical—she speaks directly to listeners’ experiences of anxiety, gently challenging common anxieties and offering hope for change. The message throughout is empowering and compassionate: you’re not broken, this is a changeable pattern, and you can build a kinder relationship with your mind.

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For listeners who struggle with rumination or feeling stuck on anxious thoughts, this episode offers both a scientific explanation and compassionate, actionable steps to break the cycle.

Transcript

[A]

Why your brain won't let things go is not because you haven't figured it out yet. In fact, the more you try to figure it out, the more stuck you actually become. If you've ever found yourself replaying something over and over, trying to get the right answer, needing to feel certain before you can move on, this episode of your anxiety toolkit is going to explain the exact reason why this happens. And more. More importantly, I'm going to show you what your brain is actually trying to do, what's keeping this cycle going, and what to do instead. Most people think this is an overthinking problem. They think, if I could just figure this out, I'd feel better. But that's not actually what's happening is your brain has learned that solving equals safety. So when something feels uncomfortable, uncertain, or unresolved, your brain sends you a message, we need to figure this out so we can feel okay again. So what do you do? You engage in the thought. You analyze it. You question it. You replay it. You try to get certainty. And sometimes it works. You get a moment of relief. You feel a little more settled, a little more in control. And that relief feels like the solution. But here's what the part most people don't realize that relief is actually the problem. Because every time you feel better after solving, your brain learns, oh, this worked. Let's do it again next time. Actually, let's even do more next time. Maybe it'll give me more relief. So the next time something feels uncertain, your brain doesn't say, oh, let's just let this be. It says, quick, go and do that thing again. And now you're stuck back in that loop. More thinking, more analyzing, more. More trying to feel certain. But the relief doesn't last. And you go back again and again and again. This is called the rumination cycle. And this is why it feels like your brain won't let things go. But there's another layer here that people don't talk about.

[B]

Enough.

[A]

While all of this is happening, you're also being really hard on yourself. You might be thinking, why am I like this? I should be able to handle this. What is wrong with me? Why can't I let this go? And that. That self criticism feels motivating. It feels like if I just push myself harder, maybe I'll finally get it right. And this just adds more pressure to an already overwhelming system. Now your brain isn't just trying to solve the problem. It's also trying to escape. Shame, frustration, the fear of it always being this way. And then the Urgency increases, the intensity increases and the rumination gets easier, even louder. And this is where people get really, really stuck because it feels like being hard on yourself should help.

[B]

Now as you know, I have a private practice. I have six amazing therapists in Calabasas, California. However, we do not take insurance. Now if you are looking for insurance covered OCD or BFRB treatment or I

[A]

want to let you know about nocd.

[B]

NOCD provides face to face live video sessions with specialized licensed OCD therapists. Now their therapists use exposure and response prevention. We know this is the gold standard for ocd. So you can be absolutely confirmed that you're in the right place there. And they have a clinically proven app that helps you stay connected to your therapist and others who to have OCD between sessions so you'll always feel supported. Now the cool thing is NOCD is available in all 50 US states and even internationally and they accept most insurance plans making it affordable and accessible. We love that. Now if you think you might have OCD or you're struggling to manage your symptoms, you can book a free call. Just click the link in the show [e-mail] I am honored to partner with NOCD. I want to remind you that recovery is possible. Please do not forget that. Now, big hugs and let's get back to the show.

[A]

It feels responsible. It feels like you're taking this seriously. But in reality, it's just fueling this cycle. So if solving isn't the answer and being hard on yourself isn't helping, what is? Instead of asking, how do I figure this out? We begin to ask, what would I do right now if I wasn't anxious? And just as importantly, we can begin to change how we relate to ourselves and our anxiety in that moment. Not with reassurance, not with everything will be fine, but with something much more grounded. And this is called willingness. Willingness doesn't mean you want the thoughts or the anxiety. It doesn't mean agreeing with the thought. Willingness means you stop running away from the experience. So instead of why am I like this? It becomes this is hard and I can handle this moment. Instead of I need to figure this out right now, it becomes I don't need to solve this to move forward. This compassionate and wise shift matters, you guys, because now you're not adding more threat to your system. You're creating just enough safety to not engage in the cycle. So when the thought shows up, instead of engaging with it, try this. Notice it, name it. This is my brain just trying to solve and add a kind response like it's okay that this is here, or it makes complete sense that this is hard for me. And gently bring your attention back to what matters to you. What you need to understand is that you don't have to get rid of the thought. You don't have to answer it. You don't have to choose to follow it. You're just choosing not to follow it. Now, this is a skill, and like any skill, it takes a ton of practice. This is exactly why I built the step by step program, the Rumination Reset. This Rumination Reset course is a hyper specific program that teaches you how to retrain your attention so your brain stops needing answers in order to feel okay. So you can head over to cptschool.com or just hit the link in the show notes to learn more. You will love this. And guys, the reviews make me so freaking proud. So let's get really clear. If your brain won't let things go, it's not because you're broken. It's just because your brain has learned a pattern. And the good news is, patterns can be unlearned. Now, as always, I'm always going to end our episodes with the fact that it is a beautiful day to do hard things. You guys know how courageous you are. Well, actually, maybe you don't know, but I want to remind you, there is nothing you cannot tolerate. There is no discomfort, no thought, no feeling, no discomfort that you can't learn to have a really healthy, kind relationship with. So take these skills and practice them as much as you can. And I can't wait to see you in the next episode.

[C]

Please note that this podcast or any other resources from CBTSchool.com should not replace

[A]

professional mental health care.

[C]

If you feel you would benefit, please reach out to a provider in your area. Have a wonderful day and thank you for supporting CBTSchool.com.