You're Dead To Me – Ramesses the Great
BBC Radio 4 | Host: Greg Jenner | Air Date: December 19, 2025
Episode Overview
In this lively and comedic episode, Greg Jenner explores the larger-than-life reign and legacy of Ramesses II, better known as Ramesses the Great. Blending accurate history with witty banter and dramatized characters—including the pharaoh himself and his wife Nefertari—Greg and his guests debunk myths, recount epic stories, and celebrate the incredible scale of Ramesses' ambition, ego, and architectural achievements. This “snappy history lesson” brings ancient Egypt to life, showing that fact and exaggeration were wed together in the pharaoh’s public image.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. Who Was Ramesses II? (01:18–02:29)
- Ramesses II is introduced as both a historical figure and a legendary character, often conflated with the antagonist in the "Prince of Egypt" movie.
- Self-promoted as, "a brilliant warrior, a magnificent ruler... father of a fantastic legacy" (Ramesses II, 01:40), his actual life story was shaped by PR and myth-making.
2. Ramesses’ Rule and Rise to Power (02:29–03:26)
- Ramesses was from a military family, became king at about 24, and was known to Egyptians by his throne name, Usamatra Setapenra.
- "We'll just call him Ramesses to keep things simple." (Greg, 01:57)
- The Egyptian way of counting years started from each king’s reign: “So it wasn’t 1279 BCE to us, it was year one... makes everything more about the best person in the world, AKA me.” (Ramesses II, 02:54)
3. Nefertari and the Royal Family (03:18–04:06)
- Nefertari, Ramesses’ best-known wife, receives a humorous introduction, including jokes about tomb robbers ignoring her "great shins."
- Nefertari: “Why didn’t robbers want my shins? I have great shins.” (03:36)
- Ramesses came to power with family already in place, including a child.
4. Military Ambitions & the Battle of Kadesh (03:40–05:08)
- Ramesses sought military dominance, notably fighting the Hittites at the Battle of Kadesh.
- The “victory” at Kadesh is debunked:
- Nefertari: “Who actually won the battle, dear?” (04:15)
- Ramesses II: “Okay, the Hittites won. You happy now, dear?” (04:30)
- Despite losing, Ramesses carved images of triumph onto temples as propaganda.
5. First Peace Treaty & Urban Ambition (05:08–06:27)
- After prolonged conflict, Ramesses signed the world’s first recorded written peace treaty with the Hittites.
- He built a massive new capital, Pi-Ramesses ("House of Ramesses"), joking that it wasn’t a bake sale treat (05:47), with features like temples, stables, a military outpost—and even a zoo.
- “All you need now is someone to toilet train your horse.” (Nefertari, 06:13)
6. Monumental Architecture: Abu Simbel & the Ramesseum (06:27–07:41)
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Built Abu Simbel, with “four massive statues of me” for a godlike impression.
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Created Thebes’ Ramesseum, humorously referred to by its tongue-twisting original name.
- Ramesses II: “It will fit on one of my massive statues.” (07:08)
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Ramesses’ statues (colossi) were the original theme park attractions—once painted in bright colors, not the plain stone seen today.
- "Think more Disneyland than British Museum." (Greg Jenner, 07:37)
7. Family Life & Hundred Children (07:57–09:03)
- Ramesses was a “big family man” in the literal sense—with around 100 children from multiple wives. Had a pet lion, not exactly practical for palace life.
- Additional wives (including many Hittite brides) solidified diplomatic ties.
- “It’s like when your aunt once gave you a gift you liked and so she keeps giving you the same thing every year. And that’s how I’ve ended up with five air fryers.” (Greg Jenner, 09:01)
8. Prince Khaemwaset, Sacred Bulls & Festivals (09:03–11:29)
- Son Khaemwaset became high priest, overseeing the Apis Bull—essentially a “sacred fortune-telling bull,” “like a careers advisor but with more cow poo.” (Greg Jenner, 10:04)
- The Sed Festival—a kind of pharaonic jubilee—was staged to reaffirm the king’s divine vigour:
- Ceremonies included races that the king could not lose, resulting in comic set pieces: “All the athletes have stopped letting themselves get overtaken once again by an 89-year-old man. Who’d have thought Ramses wins again.” (Nefertari, 11:29)
9. Old Age, Death & Mummification (11:53–12:42)
- Outlived most family; suffered arthritis and dental pain but remained proud:
- “Oi. I’m 89 and I live in ancient Egypt. I think I’m doing pretty well.” (Ramesses II, 12:15)
- After death, was mummified—later discoveries revealed peppercorns were used to keep his nose in shape.
- “I can’t have pepper up my nose for 32 centuries.” (Ramesses II, 12:38)
10. Fun Discovery Story & Poetic Legacy (12:57–13:59)
- Ramesses’ mummy was hidden to protect it from grave robbers, only to be found in the 1800s by Ahmed El Razul—"while looking for a lost goat." (Greg Jenner, 13:21)
- Ramesses inspired the iconic poem "Ozymandias" by Percy Bysshe Shelley, referenced humorously before being cut off for time.
11. Quick Quiz Recap (14:05–14:33)
- The episode closes with a recap quiz, reinforcing key facts with playful responses from the cast.
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
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On Historical Spin:
“Ramesses had very good PR, so you can't necessarily trust everything you hear about Pharaoh Ramesses II.”
— Greg Jenner (01:57) -
On Royal Names:
“He actually had five royal names and was probably known to ancient Egyptians by his throne name, which was Usamatra Setapenra. Bit of a mouthful.”
— Greg Jenner (01:57) -
On Kadesh outcome:
“Okay, the Hittites won. You happy now, dear?”
— Ramesses II (04:30) -
On the Scale of Ambition:
“Please, Majesty, this thing’s 70 foot high. Now, is that big enough?”
— Nefertari (07:25) -
On Building Statues:
“Ah, needs to be bigger than that. Bigger so the people at the back can see.”
— Ramesses II (07:18) -
On Colossal Legacy:
“Think more Disneyland than British Museum.”
— Greg Jenner (07:37) -
On Family Ties:
“Oh, is it something to help us look after the literally hundreds of children you have?”
— Nefertari (08:26) -
On the Apis Bull:
“Sort of like a careers advisor but with more cow poo.”
— Greg Jenner (10:04) -
On the Sed Festival:
“What a surprise, all the athletes have stopped letting themselves get overtaken once again by an 89-year-old man. Who’d have thought Ramses wins again.”
— Nefertari (11:29) -
On His Final Condition:
“I can’t have pepper up my nose for 32 centuries.”
— Ramesses II (12:38) -
On Finding Ramesses’ Tomb:
“What’s that? Little Ramses the Great is stuck down a hole.”
— Nefertari (13:21)
Important Segment Timestamps
- Who was Ramesses II? — 01:18–02:29
- Rise to Power, Royal Names — 02:29–03:26
- Nefertari & Family — 03:18–04:06
- Battle of Kadesh & Propaganda — 03:40–05:08
- City of Pi-Ramesses — 05:08–06:27
- Temples and Colossi — 06:27–07:41
- Ramesses’ Giant Family — 07:57–09:03
- The Apis Bull and Sed Festival — 09:03–11:29
- Old Age & Death — 11:53–12:42
- Tomb Discovery & Poetic Legacy — 12:57–13:59
- Recap Quiz — 14:05–14:33
Tone and Style
The episode is characterized by its witty, irreverent humor and sharp, accessible historical storytelling. Dialogue flows with playful banter—Ramesses and Nefertari step in as comic voices—while Greg Jenner offers concise, fact-packed narration that makes big personalities and ancient facts alike feel fresh and relatable.
This episode is packed with memorable lines, fun facts, and just the right dash of sarcasm and silliness to make even four-millennia-old history feel alive and vivid for all listeners.