Ramesses the Great

Summary

You're Dead To Me – Ramesses the Great

BBC Radio 4 | Host: Greg Jenner | Air Date: December 19, 2025

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Episode Overview

In this lively and comedic episode, Greg Jenner explores the larger-than-life reign and legacy of Ramesses II, better known as Ramesses the Great. Blending accurate history with witty banter and dramatized characters—including the pharaoh himself and his wife Nefertari—Greg and his guests debunk myths, recount epic stories, and celebrate the incredible scale of Ramesses' ambition, ego, and architectural achievements. This “snappy history lesson” brings ancient Egypt to life, showing that fact and exaggeration were wed together in the pharaoh’s public image.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Who Was Ramesses II? (01:18–02:29)

• Ramesses II is introduced as both a historical figure and a legendary character, often conflated with the antagonist in the "Prince of Egypt" movie.
• Self-promoted as, "a brilliant warrior, a magnificent ruler... father of a fantastic legacy" (Ramesses II, 01:40), his actual life story was shaped by PR and myth-making.

2. Ramesses’ Rule and Rise to Power (02:29–03:26)

• Ramesses was from a military family, became king at about 24, and was known to Egyptians by his throne name, Usamatra Setapenra.
  • "We'll just call him Ramesses to keep things simple." (Greg, 01:57)
• The Egyptian way of counting years started from each king’s reign: “So it wasn’t 1279 BCE to us, it was year one... makes everything more about the best person in the world, AKA me.” (Ramesses II, 02:54)

3. Nefertari and the Royal Family (03:18–04:06)

• Nefertari, Ramesses’ best-known wife, receives a humorous introduction, including jokes about tomb robbers ignoring her "great shins."
  • Nefertari: “Why didn’t robbers want my shins? I have great shins.” (03:36)
• Ramesses came to power with family already in place, including a child.

4. Military Ambitions & the Battle of Kadesh (03:40–05:08)

• Ramesses sought military dominance, notably fighting the Hittites at the Battle of Kadesh.
• The “victory” at Kadesh is debunked:
  • Nefertari: “Who actually won the battle, dear?” (04:15)
  • Ramesses II: “Okay, the Hittites won. You happy now, dear?” (04:30)
• Despite losing, Ramesses carved images of triumph onto temples as propaganda.

5. First Peace Treaty & Urban Ambition (05:08–06:27)

• After prolonged conflict, Ramesses signed the world’s first recorded written peace treaty with the Hittites.
• He built a massive new capital, Pi-Ramesses ("House of Ramesses"), joking that it wasn’t a bake sale treat (05:47), with features like temples, stables, a military outpost—and even a zoo.
  • “All you need now is someone to toilet train your horse.” (Nefertari, 06:13)

6. Monumental Architecture: Abu Simbel & the Ramesseum (06:27–07:41)

• Built Abu Simbel, with “four massive statues of me” for a godlike impression.

• Created Thebes’ Ramesseum, humorously referred to by its tongue-twisting original name.

  • Ramesses II: “It will fit on one of my massive statues.” (07:08)

• Ramesses’ statues (colossi) were the original theme park attractions—once painted in bright colors, not the plain stone seen today.

  • "Think more Disneyland than British Museum." (Greg Jenner, 07:37)

7. Family Life & Hundred Children (07:57–09:03)

• Ramesses was a “big family man” in the literal sense—with around 100 children from multiple wives. Had a pet lion, not exactly practical for palace life.
• Additional wives (including many Hittite brides) solidified diplomatic ties.
  • “It’s like when your aunt once gave you a gift you liked and so she keeps giving you the same thing every year. And that’s how I’ve ended up with five air fryers.” (Greg Jenner, 09:01)

8. Prince Khaemwaset, Sacred Bulls & Festivals (09:03–11:29)

• Son Khaemwaset became high priest, overseeing the Apis Bull—essentially a “sacred fortune-telling bull,” “like a careers advisor but with more cow poo.” (Greg Jenner, 10:04)
• The Sed Festival—a kind of pharaonic jubilee—was staged to reaffirm the king’s divine vigour:
  • Ceremonies included races that the king could not lose, resulting in comic set pieces: “All the athletes have stopped letting themselves get overtaken once again by an 89-year-old man. Who’d have thought Ramses wins again.” (Nefertari, 11:29)

9. Old Age, Death & Mummification (11:53–12:42)

• Outlived most family; suffered arthritis and dental pain but remained proud:
  • “Oi. I’m 89 and I live in ancient Egypt. I think I’m doing pretty well.” (Ramesses II, 12:15)
• After death, was mummified—later discoveries revealed peppercorns were used to keep his nose in shape.
  • “I can’t have pepper up my nose for 32 centuries.” (Ramesses II, 12:38)

10. Fun Discovery Story & Poetic Legacy (12:57–13:59)

• Ramesses’ mummy was hidden to protect it from grave robbers, only to be found in the 1800s by Ahmed El Razul—"while looking for a lost goat." (Greg Jenner, 13:21)
• Ramesses inspired the iconic poem "Ozymandias" by Percy Bysshe Shelley, referenced humorously before being cut off for time.

11. Quick Quiz Recap (14:05–14:33)

• The episode closes with a recap quiz, reinforcing key facts with playful responses from the cast.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Historical Spin:
  “Ramesses had very good PR, so you can't necessarily trust everything you hear about Pharaoh Ramesses II.”
  — Greg Jenner (01:57)

• On Royal Names:
  “He actually had five royal names and was probably known to ancient Egyptians by his throne name, which was Usamatra Setapenra. Bit of a mouthful.”
  — Greg Jenner (01:57)

• On Kadesh outcome:
  “Okay, the Hittites won. You happy now, dear?”
  — Ramesses II (04:30)

• On the Scale of Ambition:
  “Please, Majesty, this thing’s 70 foot high. Now, is that big enough?”
  — Nefertari (07:25)

• On Building Statues:
  “Ah, needs to be bigger than that. Bigger so the people at the back can see.”
  — Ramesses II (07:18)

• On Colossal Legacy:
  “Think more Disneyland than British Museum.”
  — Greg Jenner (07:37)

• On Family Ties:
  “Oh, is it something to help us look after the literally hundreds of children you have?”
  — Nefertari (08:26)

• On the Apis Bull:
  “Sort of like a careers advisor but with more cow poo.”
  — Greg Jenner (10:04)

• On the Sed Festival:
  “What a surprise, all the athletes have stopped letting themselves get overtaken once again by an 89-year-old man. Who’d have thought Ramses wins again.”
  — Nefertari (11:29)

• On His Final Condition:
  “I can’t have pepper up my nose for 32 centuries.”
  — Ramesses II (12:38)

• On Finding Ramesses’ Tomb:
  “What’s that? Little Ramses the Great is stuck down a hole.”
  — Nefertari (13:21)

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Important Segment Timestamps

• Who was Ramesses II? — 01:18–02:29
• Rise to Power, Royal Names — 02:29–03:26
• Nefertari & Family — 03:18–04:06
• Battle of Kadesh & Propaganda — 03:40–05:08
• City of Pi-Ramesses — 05:08–06:27
• Temples and Colossi — 06:27–07:41
• Ramesses’ Giant Family — 07:57–09:03
• The Apis Bull and Sed Festival — 09:03–11:29
• Old Age & Death — 11:53–12:42
• Tomb Discovery & Poetic Legacy — 12:57–13:59
• Recap Quiz — 14:05–14:33

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Tone and Style

The episode is characterized by its witty, irreverent humor and sharp, accessible historical storytelling. Dialogue flows with playful banter—Ramesses and Nefertari step in as comic voices—while Greg Jenner offers concise, fact-packed narration that makes big personalities and ancient facts alike feel fresh and relatable.

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This episode is packed with memorable lines, fun facts, and just the right dash of sarcasm and silliness to make even four-millennia-old history feel alive and vivid for all listeners.

Transcript

[Ramesses II]

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[Greg Jenner]

Hello and welcome to Dead Funny History. I'm Greg Jenner. I'm a historian, and I want to tell you about someone cool, Ramesses ii. Now, you may know him as the ancient Egyptian pharaoh who was mean to Moses in the Prince of Egypt movie. Or you may know him as Ramesses the Great, and he did do a lot of great stuff.

[Ramesses II]

That's right, Greg. I was one of the most successful pharaohs of ancient Egypt. A brilliant warrior, a magnificent ruler, a builder of glittering cities, father of a fantastic legacy that spans millennia.

[Greg Jenner]

Yeah, at least that's what he'd like you to think. As we'll discover, this guy had very good pr, so you can't necessarily trust everything you hear about Pharaoh Ramesses ii. For one thing, he actually had five royal names and was probably known to ancient Egyptians by his throne name, which was Usamatra Setapenra. Bit of a mouthful. We'll just call him Ramesses to keep things simple. So Ramses II ruled in a period known to us as the New Kingdom.

[Ramesses II]

That's right, because it was very modern and very hip.

[Greg Jenner]

Well, that's all relative. Keep in mind that this was over 3200 years ago, so we're stretching the meaning of new quite a Bit.

[Ramesses II]

Alright, there's no need to be rude.

[Greg Jenner]

Moving on. Now, we don't know loads about his childhood, but Ramesses was probably aged about 24 when he became king in the year 1279 BCE.

[Ramesses II]

Actually, Greg, we Egyptians counted years from the start of a king's reign and when a new king came to power, it reset. So it wasn't 1279 BCE to us, it was year one. Use that instead. Trust me, it's simpler. Plus it makes everything more about the best person in the world, AKA me.

[Greg Jenner]

Fine. In year one, when Ramesses became king, he already had a kid and a wife called Nefertari.

[Nefertari / Ramesses' Wife]

Hiya.

[Greg Jenner]

We don't know much about Nefertari because her tomb was so badly robbed that all that was left were some shin bones that may have been hers.

[Nefertari / Ramesses' Wife]

Why didn't robbers want my shins? I have great shins.

[Greg Jenner]

Ramesses was from a family of soldiers and had already done work experience in the Egyptian army. As the new king, he wanted to make Egypt a massive military power. So in year two of his reign, he caught some pirates and he made them work for him.

[Ramesses II]

Permission to your Majesty.

[Greg Jenner]

The crowning glory of Ramesses rule was a huge victory against Egypt's fiercest rivals, the Hittites.

[Ramesses II]

It was known as the Battle of Kadesh. It was here where I proved my might as a warrior.

[Nefertari / Ramesses' Wife]

Uh, who actually won the battle, dear?

[Ramesses II]

Oh, who won? I mean, what a question. Oh, just answer the question. No, I am answering. I'm just saying there are two sides.

[Nefertari / Ramesses' Wife]

Ooh, don't be shy. Tell the people at home.

[Ramesses II]

No, I'm saying that, I mean. Okay, the Hittites won. You happy now, dear?

[Greg Jenner]

Yeah. Ramesses troops were ambushed. When he fell for a Hittite trick, Ramesses retreated and the Hittites grabbed the land. But that is not how Ramesses told it.

[Ramesses II]

My men scattered, but I stepped. The Hittites, when they saw me in all my glory, quaked with fear so much that they couldn't shoot their arrow.

[Nefertari / Ramesses' Wife]

That's not what happened, sire. You didn't win that battle.

[Ramesses II]

Well, not with that attitude I didn't.

[Greg Jenner]

Ramesses had loads of depictions of him winning the battle carved onto temple walls. Probably to try and impress the gods. And he kept beefing with the Hittites for 15 more years, but eventually he signed the world's first known written peace treaty with them. So Ramesses may have messed up the Battle of Kadesh, but he was properly good at buildings. He began constructing a new capital city pretty much as soon as he became king. And it was called PI Rameses. That means House of Ramesses. It wasn't someone offering him lunch at a bake sale.

[Nefertari / Ramesses' Wife]

Pie, Ramses.

[Ramesses II]

Oh, go on then.

[Greg Jenner]

And PI Rameses was a grand design.

[Nefertari / Ramesses' Wife]

Welcome back to a place in another civilization. PI Ramses. Four square miles of everything you could wish for. Six temples, massive stables, a fully functioning military outpost. And of course, it also has a zoo. It's so state of the art. The stables have toilet cisterns. All you need now is someone to toilet train your horse.

[Greg Jenner]

Ramesses also completed a huge temple complex at Abu Simbel and then thought to.

[Ramesses II]

Himself, it's missing something. Ooh, how about four massive statues of me staring down at the visitors that enter to give the impression that I'm some kind of demigod? Awesome.

[Nefertari / Ramesses' Wife]

Nice decking.

[Ramesses II]

No, no, my idea is better.

[Greg Jenner]

He also made his own temple at Thebes, now known to us as the Ramesseum, which is definitely better than the name he gave it.

[Ramesses II]

The House of Millions of Years of Usamatra Setapenra. That unites with Thebes, the city in the domain of Ammon.

[Nefertari / Ramesses' Wife]

That's a bit of a long name, Majesty.

[Greg Jenner]

It's fine.

[Ramesses II]

It will fit on one of my massive statues.

[Greg Jenner]

Ramses loved getting statues of himself made. But not just any statues.

[Ramesses II]

Ah, needs to be bigger than that. Bigger so the people at the back can see.

[Nefertari / Ramesses' Wife]

Please, Majesty, this thing's 70 foot high. Now, is that big enough?

[Ramesses II]

Oh, I'll tell you when it's big enough.

[Greg Jenner]

These massive statues are called Colossi. In Pyramuses alone, there were at least 50 of them and the biggest was a whopping 70ft tall. That's around the height of fort and service station on the M6. Really makes you think some colossi still exist. And back in the day, they would have been painted bright colours. Think more Disneyland than British Museum.

[Nefertari / Ramesses' Wife]

Ma', am, can we go back to the 70 foot statue of Ramsey II every year?

[Greg Jenner]

But Ramesses wasn't just a mighty king and a brilliant liar, he was also a big family man. By which I mean he had a big family, about a hundred children. He also had a pet lion, because that's really what you need in a palace filled with 100 small children.

[Ramesses II]

Hey, honey, guess what I got.

[Nefertari / Ramesses' Wife]

Oh, is it something to help us look after the literally hundreds of children you have?

[Ramesses II]

Oh, not really. Look, it was either this or another massive statue of me, alright?

[Greg Jenner]

Now, if that sounds like too many kids for one mum to have, you are right. Ramesses had loads of wives. There were two principal wives Nefertari and Iset. Nofret.

[Nefertari / Ramesses' Wife]

Iset. Nofret by name, but a lot of Fret by nature. That's what being around 100 children will do to you.

[Greg Jenner]

Plus Ramesses also had a bunch of Hittite brides to seal the deal on that peace treaty. Yeah, Ramesses best frenemy the Hittite king kept giving him wives. It's like when your aunt once gave you a gift you liked and so she keeps giving you the same thing every year. And that's how I've ended up with five air fryers. Anyway, Ramesses firstborn son was called Amen Hiwenemef. He became the crown prince but sadly died quite young. But Khayyamwaset his son with Iset Nofret became the high priest of Ptah in Memphis. A top job which meant looking after the APIs Bull.

[Ramesses II]

What's the APIs bull?

[Greg Jenner]

Oh, I am so glad you asked. This was a sacred fortune telling bull that would live as a God and answer questions about the future by eating food or k a bucket. Sort of like a careers advisor but with more cow poo.

[Nefertari / Ramesses' Wife]

So post GCSEs should I be thinking apprenticeship or art college? Art school it is.

[Greg Jenner]

And the APIs ball also got a whole load of cow wives. They were said to be specially selected for their cow beauty. I wish we knew how that happened.

[Ramesses II]

Welcome back to Ms. Mooniverse where we crown the most beautiful cow in Egypt. Here's Miss Memphis wearing a lovely bovine bikini. Her hobbies are chewing cud, mooing and ballet.

[Greg Jenner]

Prince Khayyam Wasset also helped organize something very important for ramping up Ramesses reputation.

[Ramesses II]

Welcome to the Sed Festival. What?

[Greg Jenner]

He said the Sed Festival was a bit like the Royal Jubilee. There were big celebrations that took place after 30 years of rul and then every three or four years after that. So how many did you have, Ram? 14.

[Ramesses II]

I do love a farce.

[Greg Jenner]

These festivals could last for two months and included a reenactment of Ramesses coronation. And the best bit was the ceremonial race designed to test the king's ongoing fitness to rule. It was basically the ancient Egyptian bleep test and Ramesses was not allowed to lose.

[Nefertari / Ramesses' Wife]

And what a surprise, all the athletes have stopped letting themselves get overtaken once again by an 89 year old man. Who'd have thought Ramses wins again.

[Greg Jenner]

Now say what you like about Ramesses, military skill and ego. And we have. But you can't deny that he lived for a really, really long time. He outlived most of his wives.

[Ramesses II]

Bye, Nefertari. Bye, Isset. No frat by. Oh, I want to say Julie. That right? Jinny. Jackie. That's the one.

[Greg Jenner]

And he even outlived a lot of his kids. We know that in old age, Ramesses would have had sore teeth, he would walk with a stoop and had bad arthritis.

[Ramesses II]

Oi. I'm 89 and I live in ancient Egypt. I think I'm doing pretty well. Don't make me race you. Cause I will. I'm coming to getcha.

[Greg Jenner]

When Ramesses eventually died, his body was mummified. Although years later, an X ray examination showed that peppercorns had been shoved up his nose.

[Ramesses II]

Peppercorns?

[Greg Jenner]

Yeah, to help keep his nose in shape under all those bandages.

[Ramesses II]

I can't have pepper up my nose for 32 centuries.

[Greg Jenner]

I'll bless you in the afterlife. I guess he was less Ramesees, more Ramess knees.

[Ramesses II]

If there was an Egyptian God for bad puns, I would set them on you, grad.

[Greg Jenner]

Chair. Ramesnese rested in the Valley of the kings for 200 years, but was then moved by priests to protect him from ancient grave robbers. His tomb was later discovered with loads of other mummified kings and queens in the 1800s. The story goes that a guy called Ahmed El Razul found him in 1871 while looking for a lost goat.

[Nefertari / Ramesses' Wife]

What's that? Little Ramses the Great is stuck down a hole.

[Greg Jenner]

Whoa.

[Ramesses II]

You truly are the goat.

[Greg Jenner]

Apparently, Ahmed didn't tell anyone about his discovery for 10 years and instead sold valuables from the tomb on the Quiet. Poor Ramesses the Great gone from godlike king to a scavenged ruin in the desert. That's the sort of thing you could write a poem about. Me, I. I wrote a really famous.

[Ramesses II]

Poem in 1818 about Ramesses. Legacy crumb. I met a traveler from an antique.

[Greg Jenner]

Sorry, we don't have time for you, Percy Bysshe Shelley. Cause it's the end of the show.

[Ramesses II]

Oh, phooey.

[Greg Jenner]

So how much do you remember from today's speedy history lesson? Let's find out. Pencils ready? Question 1. Name one of Ramesses the Great's two principal wives.

[Nefertari / Ramesses' Wife]

Nefertari or ISS Nofret.

[Greg Jenner]

Question 2. What was a bit funny about Ramesses the Great's famous victory at the Battle of Kadesh?

[Ramesses II]

He didn't actually win.

[Greg Jenner]

What is the delicious sounding name of the new capital? Ramses the Great built, which was full of giant statues of himself, plus horses, zoos and temples. Well done. Join us next time for another snappy history lesson. And if you're a grown up and want to learn more about Ramses the Great, listen to our episode of youf're Dead to Me with Dr. Campbell Price. Thanks for listening.

[Ramesses II]

Bye.

[Greg Jenner]

This was a BBC Studios audio production for Radio 4 Dead Funny History was written by Jack Bernhardt, Gabby Hutchinson Crouch and Dr. Emma Nagus. It was hosted by me, Greg Jenner, and performed by Malianne Rees and Richard David Kane. The script consultant was Dr. Campbell Price.

[Ray Winstone]

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[Greg Jenner]

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[Ramesses II]

Is that guy with the binoculars watching us?

[Greg Jenner]

Cut the camera. They see us.

[Ramesses II]

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[Ray Winstone]

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[Ramesses II]

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[Ray Winstone]

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