Summary: Buddhist Strategies for Protecting Yourself from Everyday Chaos | Bart van Melik

10% Happier with Dan Harris — January 11, 2026
Guest: Bart van Melik | Host: DJ Kashmir (with Dan Harris introduction)

Main Theme

This episode delves into practical Buddhist and mindfulness strategies for handling everyday chaos, staying less reactive, establishing boundaries with kindness, and protecting one's peace of mind. Meditation teacher Bart van Melik shares his personal journey, explores the depth of mindful awareness as a source of resilience, and offers guidance for transforming reactivity in daily life.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Bart van Melik’s Origin Story as a Meditation Teacher

• Serendipity and Influential Relationships
  Bart’s journey begins post-high school in the Netherlands, sparked by an exchange program in Kenya where he met his wife and was moved by local generosity ([05:01]).
• Early Encounters with Buddhism
  Introduction via “The Art of Happiness” by the Dalai Lama—Bart highlights the freeing invitation: “Come and see for yourself.” This non-dogmatic approach resonated deeply ([07:50]).
• First Formal Instructions
  A pivotal moment in Thailand: instructed to “notice your belly rise… and fall when you breathe out… then come back,” introducing him to embodied, aware presence—described beautifully as “a homecoming” ([09:37]).

  “It was the first time where I wasn't just paying attention to my body breathing, but I also felt that I can know that I'm aware.” —Bart van Melik ([10:17])

• Mentorship and Community
  Training and support by renowned teachers Joseph Goldstein, Carol Wilson, and later, teaching mindfulness to kids, especially in challenging environments like juvenile detention ([11:55], [13:46]).

2. Moving from Mindfulness to Awareness

• Beyond Mindful Noticing
  Bart distinguishes two layers: being mindful of an experience versus knowing oneself as mindful—shifting from “what you’re mindful of” to “the knowing itself” ([16:04]).

  “I can also know that I am mindful… It's as if you're shifting from what you're mindful of… to just notice, oh, yeah, I am attending right now. I am present right now.” ([16:26])

• The Phenomenon of Inner Protection
  Awareness acts as a kind of shield against reactivity, helping one respond instead of reflexively react.

  “It gives me a little more space… to be way more creative to respond… instead of just reacting.” ([18:30])

3. Mindful Parenting as Spiritual Practice

• Real-world Application
  Bart and DJ share candid anecdotes of parenting challenges and how awareness can intercept habitual reactivity ([18:44], [20:33]).

  “Lou is so good at pushing my buttons... but when I'm mindful [...] I'm aware, I know I'm aware. And so what it does is it gives me a little more space...” —Bart ([18:47])

  • DJ echoes, describing how “not taking the bait” both lessens harm and smooths the day ([20:33]).

    “Not only was I doing less damage, but it actually all went faster… when I don't take the bait, the moment just passes.” —DJ ([21:45])

4. The Value of Regret and Setting Aspirations in Practice

• Learning from Failures
  Both Bart and DJ reflect on the inevitability of falling short in relationships, and the crucial practice of acknowledging, learning, and reaffirming intentions ([22:41], [24:33]).

  “The key for me, especially when I'm with other people, is to remember awareness… But also to keep learning and keep being honest about when we weren't [present].” —Bart ([23:45])

5. Saying “No” with Compassion—Boundaries in Meditation and Life

• Skillful Denial
  Establishing limits, whether with children or persistent thought loops, can be “kind but firm”—not arising from aversion but presence ([26:03]).

  “A major point in practice is also to learn how to say no without coming from a place of aversion… sometimes in meditation, it can feel like it’s only about allowing… but it’s also about skillfully saying no sometimes.” —Bart ([26:06])

6. Awareness as Spaciousness and Protection

• Holding Difficult Experience Lightly
  DJ frames awareness as a “container” for strong emotion/thought, allowing distance and gentleness ([27:47], [29:14]).

  “The awareness is just… imperturbable. In some ways, it feels like it has nothing to do with me… an opportunity to leave the entire psychodrama behind and just give it all a hug.” —DJ ([28:37])

  • Bart affirms, “The knowing is not what it knows… that's really where it’s all about. Remember that you can be aware and knowing that what awareness knows it isn’t that.” ([29:17])

7. Practical Entryway to Awareness: The Power of Pause

• Bart’s Simple Guidance
  The act of pausing is enough to “remember that it’s always now” and reconnect to mindful awareness ([31:08]).

  “If you just pause right now, it's the pause that remembers that it's always now. It's always now. And in it we can connect with being aware.” —Bart ([31:25])

• Applying to Forthcoming Situations
  Practice pausing before re-entering family interactions to see “what might be possible from that place.” ([32:00])

8. Favorite Practice: “Keep Calmly Knowing Change”

• Bart’s Go-to Meditation
  Drawn from Analayo’s summary of Buddhist mindfulness: “Keep calmly knowing change.” This practice connects us to impermanence, eases attachment, and fosters harmony ([33:31]).

  “What if you just had to keep calmly notice change? And that will be one of the meditations that I'll offer. But this one has really transformed me…” —Bart ([33:41])

Notable Quotes & Moments with Timestamps

• “Come and see for yourself.” —Bart, relating the Dalai Lama ([07:58])
• “This is what I want to learn more about. Find out what this is all about.” —Bart on first meditation in Thailand ([10:08])
• “Your meditations are lit, OD.” —Juvenile detention center student ([12:43])
• “I can also know that I am mindful… That kind of feels… like a protection.” —Bart ([16:26])
• “When I'm mindful… it gives me a little more space… to be way more creative to respond.” —Bart ([18:44])
• “Not only was I doing less damage, but it actually all went faster.” —DJ ([21:45])
• “A major point in practice is also to learn how to say no without coming from a place of aversion.” —Bart ([26:06])
• “The knowing is not what it knows.” —Bart ([29:17])
• “If you just pause right now, it’s the pause that remembers it’s always now.” —Bart ([31:25])
• “Keep calmly knowing change.” —Bart (quoting Analayo) ([33:41])

Important Segments & Timestamps

• Bart’s journey to meditation: [05:01]–[13:46]
• Mindfulness vs. meta-awareness: [16:04]–[18:30]
• Mindful parenting and daily life: [18:44]–[22:41]
• Reactivity, regret, and aspiration: [22:41]–[24:33]
• Setting boundaries kindly: [26:03]
• Spacious awareness & not identifying with thoughts/emotions: [27:47]–[29:17]
• Practical advice—The pause: [31:08]
• Favorite guided practice (“Keep calmly knowing change”): [33:31]

Closing: Meditation Practices for Listeners

• Bart previews a series of guided meditations centered on awareness, pausing, and calm receptivity to change, available via the 10% Happier app.

  “Keep calmly knowing change… holding on even to this wonderful conversation… is impossible. It will end.” ([33:41])

In sum:
This episode offers relatable stories, direct teaching, and grounded guidance for using Buddhist wisdom to handle everyday stress, be less reactive, set kind boundaries, and cultivate an inner refuge through awareness—making the ancient teachings vividly relevant for modern life.