Podcast Summary: How To Be Less Judgmental (Of Other People – And Yourself) | La Sarmiento
Introduction
In this episode of 10% Happier with Dan Harris, host Dan Harris engages in a profound conversation with La Sarmiento, a seasoned Vipassana meditation practitioner and mentor for the Mindfulness Meditation Teacher Certification Program. The discussion centers on understanding and mitigating judgmental tendencies towards oneself and others through mindfulness and compassion.
La Sarmiento’s Journey with Judgment
La opens up about her early experiences with judgment stemming from her identity as a non-binary person of color. From a young age, she grappled with feelings of inadequacy and the internalization of societal judgments, which manifested as a need to be better than others. This competitive mindset served as a coping mechanism to deal with deep-seated insecurities and a lack of acceptance.
"Being judgmental of others was really a way for me to feel better about myself."
— La Sarmiento [07:24]
Understanding Judgment vs. Discernment
The conversation distinguishes between being judgmental and discernment. La emphasizes that judgment often carries negative connotations of ill will or superiority, leading to separation and pain. In contrast, discernment involves thoughtful evaluation without the negative emotional baggage, fostering better decision-making and deeper connections.
"Judgment creates separation, creates pain. It creates a sense of isolation, not belonging."
— La Sarmiento [21:48]
Sources of Judgment
La discusses how her immigrant background and familial dynamics contributed to her judgmental tendencies. Her parents, striving to assimilate into the dominant culture, inadvertently taught her to judge others as a means of feeling superior and secure in a new environment.
"My parents' judgment of others stemmed from feeling inferior and was a coping mechanism to feel more superior within themselves."
— La Sarmiento [10:51]
Mindfulness Techniques to Reduce Judgment
Central to the episode is the application of mindfulness to recognize and address judgmental thoughts. La introduces the four key questions she asks herself when she notices judgment arising:
- Is my heart open or closed?
- Am I suffering or free?
- Do I feel empowered or disempowered?
- Do I feel connected or disconnected?
These questions help La assess her emotional state and respond with compassion rather than judgment.
"The litmus test for me is noticing when I'm suffering... And remembering to slow down, take some breaths, and remind myself that I've been on this podcast before."
— La Sarmiento [12:08]
Operationalizing the Four Questions
La elaborates on how to implement these questions in daily life. She suggests that mindfulness of the body can signal emotional states, prompting a quick self-assessment using the four questions. This practice fosters a state of calm and openness, allowing for more intentional and compassionate responses.
"The more we're aware of how our bodies feel... we can recognize when we're suffering and choose how to respond."
— La Sarmiento [30:38]
Acceptance vs. Judgment of Others
La shares a deeply personal story about reconciling her relationship with her mother. Facing her mother's terminal illness, La chose to accept her mother as she was, separate from her behaviors and judgments. This acceptance allowed La to heal and release the need for external validation.
"Accepting her for who she is helped me accept myself for who I am... I don't need that external sense of approval from her anymore."
— La Sarmiento [56:51]
Self-Compassion Over Self-Judgment
Addressing the common belief that self-judgment is necessary for motivation, La challenges this notion by advocating for self-compassion as a more sustainable and healthier motivator. She explains that recognizing inherent worthiness can drive meaningful action without the corrosive effects of constant self-criticism.
"Once I realized I'm already worthy... I don't have to prove my worth to anyone anymore."
— La Sarmiento [35:24]
Practical Tools and Techniques
Beyond the four questions, La introduces the RAIN technique—Recognize, Allow, Investigate, and Nurture—as a method to deal with judgmental thoughts and emotions. She emphasizes the importance of acknowledging suffering as a pathway to alleviating it, aligning with Buddhist teachings on the nature and cessation of suffering.
"If I can notice my suffering, I can inquire into it and choose how to respond, reducing the power of judgmental thoughts."
— La Sarmiento [32:54]
Conclusion and Final Insights
The episode culminates with La advocating for a societal shift from judgment to discernment, highlighting how such a transformation could enhance interpersonal relationships and societal harmony. She underscores the significance of compassion, both towards oneself and others, as a cornerstone for a more connected and less judgmental world.
"Discernment creates a bit more thoughtfulness, a bit more openness, a bit more willingness to engage."
— La Sarmiento [60:52]
Key Takeaways:
- Distinguish Judgment from Discernment: Understand the negative impacts of judgment and adopt discernment as a more compassionate and thoughtful approach.
- Implement Mindfulness Practices: Use tools like the four questions and the RAIN technique to navigate and reduce judgmental thoughts.
- Embrace Self-Compassion: Replace self-judgment with self-acceptance to foster inner peace and authentic motivation.
- Foster Acceptance of Others: Separate individuals from their behaviors to cultivate compassion and reduce interpersonal conflicts.
- Promote Societal Shift: Encourage a collective move towards discernment and compassion to enhance societal well-being.
This episode offers valuable insights and practical strategies for listeners seeking to cultivate a more mindful and less judgmental mindset, both towards themselves and others.