Podcast Summary: "How To Make Your Relationships Exceptional" with Carole Robin and David Bradford

Podcast Information:

• Title: 10% Happier with Dan Harris
• Host/Author: Dan Harris
• Description: Self-help for smart people. World-class insights and practices from experts in modern science and ancient wisdom. Hosted by veteran journalist and best-selling author, Dan Harris.
• Episode: How To Make Your Relationships Exceptional | Carole Robin and David Bradford
• Release Date: March 5, 2025

Introduction to Exceptional Relationships

In this insightful episode, Dan Harris welcomes Carole Robin and David Bradford, esteemed instructors from the Stanford Graduate School of Business. They delve deep into the nuances of building and maintaining exceptional relationships across various facets of life, including work, family, and friendships.

The "Touchy Feely" Course at Stanford

[04:12] Carole Robin: "Good to be here."

[04:15] David Bradford: "Thanks, Dan."

Dan introduces the concept of Stanford's popular elective course, officially named Interpersonal Dynamics, but affectionately termed "Touchy Feely" by students. This course emphasizes the importance of feelings in fostering interpersonal competence and building robust relationships.

[05:07] Carol Robin: "Absolutely, yes. I'm not sure they're knocking it. I think it's sort of a more affectionate, as Carol was saying, identification."

The Importance of Interpersonal Skills

Dan raises a critical point about the lack of interpersonal training in broader education systems, suggesting that such skills should be foundational from elementary levels.

[06:31] David Bradford: "First of all, could not agree with you more. Just like every child should be taught to meditate, in my opinion."

Carol adds that while similar courses exist at institutions like Yale and UCLA, Stanford's intensive approach sets it apart, primarily due to the specialized training required to teach these skills effectively.

Interpersonal Mindfulness and Self-awareness

The conversation shifts to interpersonal mindfulness, a concept akin to mindfulness in Buddhism, focusing on being acutely aware of one's own and others' internal states during interactions.

[20:00] Dan Harris: "The term is over, because every interaction is a moment to gather data about how you're feeling and how other people are feeling..."

[21:03] David Bradford: "It's through practice, in the same way that we learn to become more and more aware of our internal states through meditation."

Building Exceptional Relationships: The Six Hallmarks

David and Carol outline the six characteristics essential for cultivating exceptional relationships:

1. Authenticity: Allowing oneself to be fully known.
2. Conditions for Authenticity: Creating an environment where others feel safe to be themselves.
3. Trust Building: Ensuring that shared information is not used against each other.
4. Honesty: Openly communicating relevant feelings and thoughts.
5. Constructive Conflict: Embracing and managing disagreements positively.
6. Mutual Growth: Supporting each other's personal development.

Vulnerability in Relationships

Vulnerability is highlighted as a cornerstone of deep connections. The guests stress the importance of sharing relevant personal information thoughtfully to foster trust and intimacy.

[34:31] David Bradford: "We also establish a relationship where if I am barreling along, he can say, hold on, you left me back here."

[38:10] David Bradford: "Every relationship is different, has grown a little bit, and then we take another 15% step..."

[36:07] Dan Harris: "So, Carol, maybe you can take this off vulnerability because it seems like... She often talks about like, yeah, vulnerability is not just randomly bleeding all over the place."

Handling Conflict Productively

Conflict is reframed from a negative occurrence to a constructive opportunity for growth and understanding within relationships.

[41:43] Dan Harris: "I want to ask you about the fifth hallmark because I think this is very rich territory..."

[43:26] David Bradford: "We would have never finished the book."

The guests discuss strategies to manage conflicts, emphasizing the importance of addressing issues openly and focusing on feelings rather than attributing negative intentions.

[44:09] David Bradford: "Well, first of all, I don't name them a jerk."

Navigating Differences in Relationships

Connecting across diverse backgrounds—be it race, gender, or political beliefs—is acknowledged as both challenging and rewarding. The guests advocate for embracing these differences through honest dialogue and mutual respect.

[57:46] David Bradford: "Well, it certainly feels riskier and it feels more challenging. I also used to think that in addition to the course being called Interpersonal Mindfulness, it could have been called Connecting Across Differences..."

Practical Tips for Enhancing Relationships

1. The 15% Rule: Gradually increase vulnerability by stepping slightly outside comfort zones.

   [34:31] David Bradford: "We came up with this 15% rule. Step a little bit outside your comfort zone..."

2. Continuous Self-awareness: Regularly ask oneself, "How am I feeling?" and extend this curiosity to others.

   [23:09] David Bradford: "What are you feeling right here, right now?"

3. Feedback as a Gift: View constructive feedback as an opportunity for behavioral improvement rather than criticism.

   [65:45] Carol Robin: "...the feedback has to be on behavior and not on character."

4. Managing Defensive Responses: Adopt strategies to remain curious and non-judgmental when faced with defensiveness.

   [48:37] David Bradford: "It's grammatically impossible to express a feeling if you put the word that."

Resources and Further Learning

Towards the end of the episode, Carole and David promote their book, Building Exceptional Relationships with Family, Friends, and Colleagues, and their website connectandrelate.com, which offers free downloadable tools such as self-assessments and guides for creating learning groups. They encourage listeners to engage with these resources to apply the discussed principles in their own lives.

[71:09] Dan Harris: "Here's a cool thing you can try out if you would like to practice some of the skills they described or get personalized advice. If you go to David and Carol's website connectandrelate.com..."

Notable Quotes:

• Dan Harris:

  • "Every interaction with another human being is an opportunity to learn not only about them, but about yourself." [20:00]

• David Bradford:

  • "We have experiences all the time. Rarely do we learn from them. But our students learn how to learn from all the experiences they have." [20:00]

• Carol Robin:

  • "Vulnerability has a bad rap. It takes strength and courage to share something that may lead you to judge me negatively." [36:21]

This episode offers a comprehensive exploration of interpersonal dynamics, providing listeners with actionable strategies to enhance their relationships. By emphasizing self-awareness, vulnerability, and constructive conflict management, Carole Robin and David Bradford equip individuals with the tools necessary to foster meaningful and exceptional connections in all areas of life.