Podcast Summary: 10% Happier with Dan Harris
Episode: How to Regulate Your Emotions and Mental Chatter When Bad Things Happen
Guest: Dr. Maya Shankar
Date: January 28, 2026
Main Theme & Purpose
In this episode, host Dan Harris speaks with cognitive scientist Dr. Maya Shankar about how to navigate adversity, regulate emotions, and deal with mental chatter when life takes unexpected turns. Drawing from her personal experiences of loss and professional expertise, Maya shares evidence-based techniques for coping with change, getting unstuck from rumination, reframing self-identity, and challenging self-limiting beliefs. The episode is rich with practical, story-driven advice that’s useful not just in moments of acute crisis, but also for anyone prone to worry or catastrophic thinking about the future.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
Maya’s Personal Story of Change
[06:23]
- Early Identity as Violinist:
- Young prodigy, studied at Juilliard, took lessons with Itzhak Perlman, and envisioned a future as a concert violinist.
- Suffered a career-ending hand injury at 15.
- “I wasn’t just mourning the loss of the instrument. I was in a deeper way mourning the loss of myself.” — Maya [07:34]
- Struggles with Motherhood:
- Secretly envisioned motherhood from a young age, encountered repeated obstacles and miscarriages.
- Loss created another identity crisis, similar to losing violin.
Lessons in Self-Identity
[10:05]
- Don’t eliminate self-identity; rather, make it more expansive and robust.
- “Anchor your self-identity not simply to what you do, but to why you do that thing.” — Maya [10:57]
- Find your deeper motivation (“your why”) to guide your next steps after loss or change.
The Power of “Why” in Overcoming Anxiety
[12:48]
- Dan shares his own career-based anxieties and the power of orienting around his “why” (serving others, per Buddhist philosophy), which reduces the potency of fear and shame.
- Maya validates this and describes how examining her why helped her reframe meaning after loss, including recognizing social and cultural pressures around motherhood.
Self-Affirmation & Gratitude as Antidotes
[17:32]
- After devastating loss, Maya’s husband led her in a gratitude exercise.
- Naming things she was grateful for revealed her life’s richness beyond immediate loss.
- Describes the self-affirmation exercise: listing roles and sources of meaning not threatened by current change.
- “Did I go to bed super happy? Of course not. But did I go to bed feeling the loss of change less acutely because I remembered how much of myself was still intact? Yes.” — Maya [20:17]
Practical Techniques for Navigating Change
[20:37, 21:11]
- Find Your Why: Purpose protects you amidst adversity.
- Gratitude (without toxic positivity): Adds perspective.
- Self-Affirmation: Reminds you of the facets of self untouched by crisis.
Cognitive Biases & How They Impact Us
[21:44–29:17]
The Illusion of Control
[22:16]
- Most people overestimate their control over life’s outcomes.
- Catastrophic events make us confront the real limits of personal control.
- “There’s no such thing as trying harder in the context of fertility. ... The universe does not care how much you want the outcome.” — Maya [23:17]
- Our brains are wired to dislike uncertainty—we’d often rather know bad things will happen than live in suspense.
The End of History Illusion
[25:17]
- We recognize how much we’ve changed in the past but assume our present self is fixed for the future.
- Acknowledging this illusion empowers us to see we’ll adapt and grow through adversity.
- “When a big change happens to us, it also leads to lasting change within us.” — Maya [26:53]
Tools for Dealing with Catastrophic Thinking
[29:39–34:49]
- Remind yourself that your future self can handle challenges you can't imagine managing now.
- Change often brings “revelation”—uncovering hidden capacities or beliefs.
- “Change can be a forcing mechanism of revelation, where all of a sudden these parts of yourself, savory or unsavory, come into the light.” — Maya [32:27]
How to Reexamine Self-Limiting Beliefs
[38:18–45:49]
- Many beliefs stem from early childhood, social, or cultural conditioning—not deliberate logic.
- Conduct a “belief audit”—list and reflect on the beliefs you hold about yourself and their origins.
- Treat beliefs as hypotheses to be tested, not immutable truths.
- “What evidence would persuade me to change my mind?” — Maya [44:29]
Getting Unstuck from Rumination: Menu of Techniques
[47:39–65:46]
- Affect Labeling: Name the emotion you’re feeling; it reduces intensity. [49:02]
- Mental Time Travel: Ask yourself how you’ll feel in five hours, days, or years. Helps remind you that feelings will pass. [51:59]
- Awe: Seek out experiences of wonder (in nature, art, witnessing moral beauty). Feeling small in a vast world lessens self-focus. [53:28]
- Distraction: Sometimes positive distraction is healthy and helps recovery. New research shows it’s not always necessary to process everything head-on. [56:14]
- Denial: Short-term denial can be a useful “psychological immune response.” Over time, facing reality is important, but initial denial has protective value. [57:49]
- Psychological Distancing:
- Re-imagine an event from a third-person perspective to challenge your self-narrative.
- Practice talking to yourself in the third person to gain perspective (e.g., “Maya, you need to get a grip”).
- Offer advice to yourself as you would a friend—self-compassion boosts resilience. [59:48]
- Cognitive Reappraisal: Reinterpret the meaning of an experience to reduce its negative emotional impact (e.g., reframing panic attacks as signs of evolved vigilance). [63:34]
- Community: Remember that your ruminations are not unique—sharing and seeing others’ stories fosters healing and perspective (e.g., The Museum of Broken Relationships). [64:53]
Memorable Quotes & Moments
- “Anchor your self-identity not simply to what you do, but to why you do that thing.” — Maya [10:57]
- “Change can upend us, but it can also reveal really important things to us about who we are.” — Maya [32:27]
- “You have not had a comprehensive view of who you are, including values that have remained hidden from view… There is something exciting about the prospect that change can actually serve as revelation.” — Maya [31:27]
- “Did I go to bed super happy? Of course not. But did I go to bed feeling the loss of change less acutely because I remembered how much of myself was still intact? Yes.” — Maya [20:17]
- “There is something so freeing and liberating about the kind of detachment that Buddhists have been talking about forever.” — Maya [70:28]
Maya's Evolving Perspective on Motherhood
[65:46–70:57]
- Loss can constrict our vision of possible selves, but we often underestimate future possibilities.
- Through time, and using her own advice, Maya arrived at seeing a “child free life” as full, rich, and authentic—something she couldn’t have previously imagined.
- “I am the happiest and most hopeful version of myself that I've ever been. And that's the end of history, illusion—you know, I did not remember that I was going to be a new person on the other side of this.” — Maya [70:33]
Notable Segment Timestamps
- [06:23] Maya’s foundational stories of loss and change
- [10:05] Building a more expansive sense of self; anchoring to your why
- [17:32] Gratitude and self-affirmation as tools for perspective
- [22:16] The illusion of control and coping with uncertainty
- [25:17] The end of history illusion and transformation through adversity
- [38:18] How to challenge and reframe self-limiting beliefs
- [47:39] Menu of tools for escaping rumination
- [53:28] The emotional power of awe and positive distraction
- [57:49] The nuanced utility of denial
- [59:48] Psychological distancing and cognitive reappraisal techniques
- [65:46] Maya’s current mindset on motherhood and embracing new possible futures
Tone & Language
Dan’s tone is candid, slightly self-deprecating, and curious; Maya brings warmth, vulnerability, and scientific rigor, splicing stories with actionable advice and skepticism of easy platitudes. Both bring authenticity, humility, and hopefulness to the discussion.
Summary
This episode serves as a deeply practical guide for anyone grappling with change, worry, or rumination. Through personal stories, psychological research, and heartfelt honesty, Maya Shankar and Dan Harris outline not only how to survive adversity, but also how to grow in its aftermath—and how to calm your inner storms before they threaten your well-being. It’s as useful to listeners in crisis as it is to those simply wrestling with the mental chatter endemic to being human.