**Podcast Summary: "How To Talk To Yourself When Things Suck | Sam Sanders"
10% Happier with Dan Harris
Release Date: December 11, 2024

In this deeply moving episode of "10% Happier with Dan Harris," host Dan Harris engages in a profound conversation with award-winning reporter and podcaster Sam Sanders, who brings along his wife, Bianca Harris, to discuss navigating the tumultuous waters of grief. Titled "How To Talk To Yourself When Things Suck," the episode delves into personal loss, self-compassion, and the transformative power of internal dialogue.

Introduction to the Conversation

Dan Harris sets the stage by highlighting the significant impact that our internal conversations have on our happiness and relationships. He emphasizes the possibility of retraining our inner critic to foster a healthier self-dialogue, supported by research from experts like Kristen Neff and Ethan Cross.

Dan Harris [00:04]:
"For me, one of the most powerful and game-changing insights in recent years has been that the way I talk to myself has a massive impact on my happiness and also on how I talk to other people."

Sam Sanders introduces the episode as part of a three-part series on grief, focusing on personal narratives rather than expert opinions.

Personal Journeys Through Grief

Bianca Harris shares her “job year,” a period marked by profound loss, including the death of her mother, the end of a long-term relationship, and losing a significant job. She discusses how these overlapping tragedies influenced her coping mechanisms and internal dialogues.

Bianca Harris [10:14]:
"Sharing your story around grief allows others to share theirs. There’s an abundance in that sharing and there’s healing in it."

Techniques for Managing Grief

The conversation explores various strategies Bianca employed to manage her grief:

1. Personifying Grief:
   Bianca explains how she began to personify her grief, attributing it to different forms like a cloud, a tree, or even a person. This practice helped her externalize her emotions, making them more manageable.

   Bianca Harris [24:51]:
   "I allow my grief to take on forms that I can look at or speak to, which helps me grapple with it in a better way."

2. Internal Family Systems (IFS):
   Sam introduces the concept of IFS, where individuals identify and interact with different parts of themselves, such as grief, anger, or joy, to achieve emotional balance.

   Sam Sanders [27:10]:
   "You form a relationship with it and enter into a dialogue with it, and that helps you manage it more effectively."

3. Self-Compassion:
   They discuss Kristen Neff’s work on self-compassion, emphasizing the importance of treating oneself with the same kindness one would offer a friend.

   Bianca Harris [22:58]:
   "I let myself talk to myself in supportive ways, acknowledging that whatever I’m feeling is valid and shared by many others."

The Evolving Nature of Grief

Bianca describes how her perception of grief transformed over time—from a consuming presence to a source of abundance and connection. She recounts a pivotal moment during a solo trip to San Diego, where she experienced a profound sense of beauty intertwined with her sorrow.

Bianca Harris [33:04]:
"This combination of blue water, a reflective podcast conversation, and a poignant album felt really just beautiful... My grief was a gift."

Maintaining Relationships with Deceased Loved Ones

The discussion also touches on how maintaining an internal relationship with deceased loved ones can provide comfort and continuity. Bianca shares her practice of imagining conversations with her late parents, helping her navigate life’s challenges.

Bianca Harris [51:33]:
"My memory of my father has beautifully shapeshifted over time to comfort and console me. It’s become its own being with its own plot arc."

Balancing Grief and Joy

Bianca emphasizes the importance of allowing oneself to experience joy and engage with life even while grieving. She stresses that grief should not overshadow one's ability to find happiness and play.

Bianca Harris [54:21]:
"Joy is not a trivial endeavor. Play, laugh, dance—they’re required to be the best versions of ourselves, even when you’re grieving."

Final Reflections and Takeaways

The episode concludes with heartfelt acknowledgments of the resilience of the human spirit. Bianca expresses gratitude for the ability to find meaning and beauty amidst loss, celebrating the human capacity for creativity and connection.

Bianca Harris [67:49]:
"They live on. What a gift that our minds and our hearts are able to conjure deeper meaning and appreciation even in the midst of tragedy and loss."

Notable Quotes

• Dan Harris [00:04]:
  "The way I talk to myself has a massive impact on my happiness and... it's possible to counterprogram against my inner critic."

• Bianca Harris [10:14]:
  "Sharing your story around grief allows others to share theirs. There’s healing in it."

• Sam Sanders [27:10]:
  "Enter into a dialogue with it, and that helps you manage it more effectively."

• Bianca Harris [24:51]:
  "I allow my grief to take on forms that I can look at or speak to, which helps me grapple with it in a better way."

• Bianca Harris [33:04]:
  "My grief was a gift... It made my life richer."

• Bianca Harris [54:21]:
  "Joy is not a trivial endeavor. Play, laugh, dance—they’re required to be the best versions of ourselves."

Conclusion

This episode offers a compassionate exploration of grief, emphasizing the importance of self-talk, self-compassion, and the willingness to share one's experiences. Bianca and Sam provide insightful personal narratives that illustrate how embracing and understanding grief can lead to profound personal growth and deeper connections with others. Listeners are encouraged to reflect on their own internal dialogues and consider how reshaping these conversations can enhance their overall well-being.

For those interested in further exploring the themes discussed, Bianca recommends her own podcasts:

• Vibe Check: A trio-hosted show where Bianca, along with Zach Stafford and Saeed Jones, discuss news and culture with a focus on diverse perspectives.

• The Sam Sanders Show: An interview-based podcast focusing on creativity and pop culture, featuring conversations with notable creatives like Joel Kim, Sashir Zamada, and Monet X Change.

Listeners are invited to support Bianca’s work by tuning into her podcasts on various platforms, including YouTube and KCRW.

Tune in to "10% Happier with Dan Harris" on the Wondery App, Apple Podcasts, or your preferred podcast platform every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday for more insightful conversations on happiness, mindfulness, and personal growth.