Podcast Summary: "If You’re Stressed, Anxious, Or Depressed, This Is Your Counterintuitive Medicine | Rabbi Sharon Brous"

Introduction

In this insightful episode of 10% Happier with Dan Harris, host Dan Harris welcomes Rabbi Sharon Brous, the senior and founding rabbi of Ikar, a Jewish community in Los Angeles, and author of the bestselling book The Amen Effect. The conversation delves deep into the pervasive issues of loneliness, social alienation, and the deteriorating social fabric of modern society. Rabbi Brous introduces listeners to the concept of the Amen Effect—a transformative approach rooted in ancient wisdom aimed at healing individual and collective despair through meaningful human connection.

Understanding the Amen Effect

Rabbi Brous begins by defining The Amen Effect as a response to the contemporary crisis of loneliness and social isolation. She emphasizes that despite technological advancements that ostensibly connect us, many individuals still experience profound feelings of disconnection and despair. Drawing from her pastoral work and extensive research, Rabbi Brous explains:

"The Amen Effect is essentially a call or a challenge to us that exactly in the moments that we feel most compelled to retreat from one another, we have to retrain our hearts to turn toward each other in open-hearted vulnerability driven by compassion and curiosity" (06:01).

The Power of Ancient Rituals

Delving into historical practices, Rabbi Brous shares an ancient Jewish pilgrimage ritual that serves as a model for fostering human connection. She narrates how in antiquity, Jews would ascend to the Temple Mount in Jerusalem during sacred times, performing a circular pilgrimage. Notably, those experiencing grief would diverge from the crowd, walking counterclockwise—a symbolic act of turning inward in pain while being met with compassion from others.

"It's exactly at the moment that you least want to engage that you have to turn your hearts toward each other and you have to do it with vulnerability and you have to do it with love" (09:16).

This ritual, documented in the Mishnah, underscores the importance of acknowledging one's suffering and receiving communal support, reinforcing the interconnectedness essential for communal healing.

The Importance of Human Connection

Rabbi Brous underscores that deep, meaningful relationships are paramount to personal well-being and societal health. She references a Harvard study highlighting that the quality of our relationships is the most significant predictor of happiness, health, and success. Additionally, she brings up Hannah Arendt's insights on how social isolation can pave the way for tyranny, emphasizing that strong community bonds are vital for a healthy democracy.

"What we have to figure out is that... in the face of so many crises... the power of profound human connection can actually help us survive even some of the most terrible chapters of darkness and loss" (16:06).

Practical Tips for Enhancing Social Health

When asked how individuals can improve their interactions amid societal structures that discourage connection, Rabbi Brous offers actionable strategies:

1. Show Up for Each Other: Shift from a default of retreat to one of engagement. This means actively reaching out to those in need, whether through attending funerals or simply making a phone call.

   "Those who are okay are walking in common purpose, but when someone is brokenhearted... we have to actively counter the instinct to peel away" (06:01).

2. Practice Presence Over Fixing: Instead of attempting to fix someone's pain, focus on being present and bearing witness to their suffering. This shift from a "fix-it" mentality to one of empathetic presence fosters deeper connections.

   "Our goal is not to fix it, but to be present to the brokenness" (16:06).

3. Build Community Locally: Engage with neighbors and local communities. Rabbi Brous shares her personal practice of running in her neighborhood and introducing herself to her neighbors, which has significantly enhanced her sense of community.

   "Go for a walk around your block or go for a run in your neighborhood... just get to know each other" (33:16).

Handling Grief and Embracing Joy

Rabbi Brous introduces the concept of taking a "joy break" as a spiritual necessity, not a luxury. She recounts the story of her friend Shifra, who, in the throes of grief over her husband's terminal illness, consciously incorporated moments of joy into her day. This practice helps balance the heaviness of grief with the lightness of joy, facilitating a more holistic healing process.

"Joy is actually a spiritual necessity. If we want to show up for each other, we have to take joy seriously" (43:12).

Furthermore, Rabbi Brous discusses the importance of allowing oneself to receive love and support, especially for caregivers who are accustomed to giving rather than receiving.

"We have to learn how to walk in both directions... receive the love and the care, to actually be vulnerable enough and trust that someone else will hold us" (46:04).

Engaging with Those Who Disagree

Addressing the challenge of interacting with people who hold opposing views, especially during politically charged times, Rabbi Brous advocates for approaching disagreements with curiosity and compassion. She suggests:

1. Seek Understanding: Instead of outright rejecting opposing viewpoints, strive to understand the underlying pain or trauma that may drive such beliefs.

   "If we can engage someone with genuine curiosity and real sincerity, trying to understand where their pain comes from, we can rehumanize them" (58:16).

2. Separate People from Ideas: Recognize that individuals are more than their harmful ideas. This perspective allows for more constructive dialogues and reduces the tendency to demonize others.

   "It means rehumanizing. It means actually engaging on the merits of an argument instead of erasing or silencing them" (58:46).

Rabbi Brous references Bruce Perry's work, emphasizing that asking "What happened to you?" rather than "What's wrong with you?" can lead to deeper understanding and reduce hostility.

Personal Reflections and Closing

Rabbi Brous shares her personal journey through grief following her father's passing, highlighting the transformative power of allowing oneself to receive support. She admits the difficulty of shifting from a caregiver mindset to one that accepts vulnerability but acknowledges its necessity for personal growth and better caregiving.

"It honored my father and it honors my own broken heart in a way that ultimately will make me a better caregiver and a better Rabbi and a better human being" (48:26).

In conclusion, Rabbi Brous reinforces the importance of cultivating meaningful relationships, practicing presence and empathy, embracing joy alongside grief, and approaching disagreements with compassion. Her insights offer a counterintuitive yet profoundly effective remedy for the stress, anxiety, and depression prevalent in today's world.

Additional Resources

Listeners are encouraged to explore Rabbi Sharon Brous's book, The Amen Effect: Ancient Wisdom to Mend Our Broken Hearts and World, and to follow her on social media for more insights and community engagement.

For those interested in further exploring the topics discussed, Dan Harris mentions a related episode featuring psychologist Bruce Perry, available in the show notes.