Summary of "That Feeling of 'Always-Behind and Never-Enough'—Here’s the Antidote" | Ellen Hendricksen on 10% Happier with Dan Harris

In this enlightening episode of 10% Happier with Dan Harris, host Dan Harris welcomes back Dr. Ellen Hendricksen, a clinical psychologist from Boston University's Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders. Together, they delve deep into the pervasive issue of perfectionism, exploring its intricate relationship with anxiety and uncovering practical strategies to combat the incessant feeling of never being "enough."

1. Defining Perfectionism

Dr. Hendricksen begins by addressing the elusive nature of perfectionism, noting, “'Perfectionism is demanding of ourselves a level of performance higher than is required for the situation.'” (04:25). This definition highlights how perfectionism isn't merely about striving for excellence but involves setting excessively high standards that surpass what is necessary.

2. The Root of Perfectionism: Insufficiency Not Perfection

Contrary to popular belief, perfectionism isn't genuinely about seeking perfection. Dan Harris emphasizes this misnomer when he states, "Perfectionism as a word is a bit of a misnomer when applied to the actual condition." (08:48). Dr. Hendricksen concurs, explaining that the core issue lies in “never feeling good enough,” where individuals tie their self-worth to their performance.

3. Dr. Hendricksen's Personal Struggle with Perfectionism

Sharing her personal journey, Dr. Hendricksen reveals how prolonged perfectionism took a toll on her physical health: “I couldn't turn my head to the right because my muscles were too tight. I had blown out my forearm from typing too much. I got a GI illness.” (12:19). These physical manifestations underscored the unsustainable nature of her relentless self-criticism.

4. Perfectionism in Relation to Other Disorders

Perfectionism serves as a linchpin for various psychological disorders. Dr. Hendricksen explains, “Perfectionism is not a disorder in and of itself. It's more of a mindset or a trait. But it definitely lies at the heart of other diagnosable disorders like social anxiety or OCD, eating disorders, some kinds of treatment-resistant anxiety.” (13:01). This connection underscores the pervasive influence of perfectionism on mental health.

5. Evolutionary and Cultural Factors

Ellen discusses the dual origins of perfectionism, attributing it to both genetic predispositions and environmental factors: “It's an interpersonal problem. We do it to try to stay in others' good graces, to try not to get criticized or rejected or judged.” (17:56). She further elaborates on how modern culture, with its competitive and performance-oriented ethos, exacerbates these innate tendencies.

6. The Many Salads of Perfectionism

Using a creative metaphor, Dr. Hendricksen describes perfectionism as a "salad," with myriad varieties but common dressing ingredients: “There's infinite ways of being perfectionistic.” (21:21). This analogy emphasizes the diverse manifestations of perfectionism, from obsession over finances to parenting styles.

7. Adaptive vs. Maladaptive Perfectionism

Differentiating between healthy and unhealthy perfectionism, Ellen states, “Healthy perfectionism is when we strive for excellence... The healthy heart of perfectionism is a personality trait called conscientiousness.” (23:19). She warns against the slippery slope where conscientiousness can spiral into destructive perfectionism if not balanced appropriately.

The Seven Shifts to Address Perfectionism

Dr. Hendricksen introduces seven transformative shifts designed to dismantle the underlying sense of insufficiency fueling perfectionism. Each shift offers actionable strategies to foster self-acceptance and genuine self-worth.

Shift 1: From Self-Criticism to Kindness

Ellen emphasizes the importance of redefining one’s relationship with self-criticism. Sharing a personal anecdote, she recounts, “My brain is still making those thoughts. I can hear it. But I don't have to sing along.” (33:02). By treating self-criticism as mere background noise, individuals can cultivate a kinder internal dialogue.

Shift 2: Coming Home to Your Life

This shift encourages individuals to align their actions with personal values rather than external performance metrics. Ellen advises, “Am I living the life I want to live? Am I being the person I want to be?” (37:37). Focusing on what truly matters enhances a sense of agency and fulfillment.

Shift 3: From Rules to Flexibility

Rigid rules often trap perfectionists in a cycle of self-imposed obligations. Ellen illustrates, “Rules will start to get in our way when they become rigid, all-or-nothing, or when we impose them on others.” (41:43). Transitioning to flexible guidelines rooted in personal values allows for adaptability and reduced self-pressure.

Shift 4: From Holding On to Letting Go

Allowing room for mistakes is pivotal. Ellen shares, “Mistakes are part of the package deal of being human.” (47:33). Instead of punishing oneself for errors, embracing them as natural occurrences fosters resilience and continuous growth.

Shift 5: From Procrastination to Productivity

Procrastination often stems from perfectionistic paralysis. Ellen suggests breaking tasks into minuscule steps: “Find car keys. Then eat the banana that would fuel your workout.” (50:53). This approach diminishes overwhelm and facilitates steady progress.

Shift 6: From Comparison to Contentment

Social comparison can erode self-esteem. Ellen recommends broadening the scope of comparisons: “Include things you don't have any access to, like work hours or partner support or mental health challenges.” (56:37). This expanded perspective mitigates the negative impact of narrow comparisons.

Shift 7: From Control to Authenticity

Authenticity trumps controlled perfection. Ellen narrates the story of "Gus," a client who initially overemphasized competence at the expense of warmth: “We need to determine if people are friendly on our side or our foe before we evaluate their competence.” (56:50). By integrating authenticity with competence, individuals can forge genuine connections without succumbing to perfectionistic façades.

Conclusion and Resources

As the conversation wraps up, Dr. Hendricksen promotes her latest book, "How to Be Enough: Science Self-Acceptance for Self Critics and Perfectionists," and her previous work, "How to Be Yourself." She also invites listeners to her Substack, "How to Be Good to Yourself When You're Hard on Yourself," offering further insights into overcoming the challenges of perfectionism and self-criticism.

Dan Harris concludes by highlighting his upcoming meditation series, designed as antidotes to anxiety, furthering the episode's theme of self-acceptance and mental well-being.

Key Quotes

• Dan Harris [04:25]: “Perfectionism is demanding of ourselves a level of performance higher than is required for the situation.”

• Dr. Ellen Hendricksen [08:48]: “We think we have to perform as superbly as possible to be sufficient as a person.”

• Dan Harris [16:44]: “Perfectionism is interpersonally motivated. We do it to try to stay in others’ good graces.”

• Dr. Ellen Hendricksen [21:21]: “There's infinite ways of being perfectionistic.”

• Dan Harris [23:19]: “There is such a thing as healthy perfectionism.”

• Dr. Ellen Hendricksen [33:02]: “I can hear it. But I don't have to sing along.”

• Dr. Ellen Hendricksen [37:37]: “Am I living the life I want to live? Am I being the person I want to be?”

• Dr. Ellen Hendricksen [50:53]: “Find car keys. Then eat the banana that would fuel your workout.”

• Dr. Ellen Hendricksen [56:50]: “We need to determine if people are friendly on our side or our foe before we evaluate their competence.”

This episode serves as a comprehensive guide for anyone grappling with perfectionism, offering both theoretical insights and practical tools to foster self-acceptance and lead a more fulfilling life. Whether you're a returning listener or tuning in for the first time, Dr. Ellen Hendricksen's expertise provides valuable pathways to overcoming the relentless pursuit of perfection.