Podcast Summary: "The Best Way To Feel Calm (Is to Not Try To Feel Calm)"

Podcast: 10% Happier with Dan Harris
Host: Dan Harris
Date: February 20, 2026

Episode Overview

In this live Q&A episode, Dan Harris tackles some of the biggest misconceptions about meditation and the pursuit of calm. Drawing from both modern science and ancient wisdom, Dan addresses questions from his app subscribers, diving deep into how to approach meditation during emotional pain, the pitfalls of seeking calm at all costs, strategies for handling restlessness, and tips for sustaining (and evolving) your meditation practice. With warmth and humor, Dan shares practical advice, personal stories, and affirming guidance for meditators at all levels.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Self & Non-Duality: Understanding the Illusion of a Solid Self

• Dan references Henry Shukman’s technique:
  Look for the inner part of yourself that feels responsible for “holding it all together”—the ‘little CEO’ or ‘inner hall monitor.’
• Insight:
  The search for a core self is always elusive:

  "I've never found some core nugget of self...the not finding is the finding." (07:38)

• Takeaway:
  Seeing the self as a flowing process, rather than something solid, can help us relate more freely to our emotions and experiences.

2. Meditation and Emotional Pain: How to Sit with Difficult Feelings

• Question from Rose: Struggling with sadness over a low-contact son and rumination during meditation.
• Dan’s response:
  Validate the pain (“That sucks...that sounds awful”), and remind that meditation isn’t about pushing away thoughts or feelings—it’s about relating to them differently.
  • Tip: Use “mental noting” (e.g. labeling thoughts as “thinking, thinking”) to gain distance from rumination (13:55).
  • Body focus: Bring mindfulness to the physical sensations of emotion in the body—locate where sadness or loneliness show up physiologically.
  • Analogy: “It’s like the difference between drowning and surfing.” (18:01)
• Quote:

  “The point in meditation is not to try, not to feel a certain way... we’re just being cool with what is here and to be mindful of it.” (18:27)

3. The Addiction to Calm: Why Chasing Calm is Counterproductive

• Question from Lisa: How to work with craving calm or concentration in meditation, and how to find more ease?
• Dan’s response:
  Many people, consciously or not, approach meditation expecting to feel calm, and think they’re failing if they don’t.
  • Key mantra:

    “It’s okay does not mean the situation is okay. It means it’s okay to feel this thing...” (Joseph Goldstein, 21:17)

  • Advice: The desire to feel a certain way is itself a hindrance. Instead, recognize and label the desire: “Oh, that’s wanting, that’s craving.”
• On concentration: Trying harder usually backfires:

  “Meditation is like this video game where you can only move forward if you don’t want to move forward.” (24:53)

  • Attitude check: “What’s the attitude in the mind right now?”
    Label hidden agendas; just keep returning to the breath.
  • Memorable metaphor:

    "It's like shining a black light on the sheets in a hotel room. You see lots of disgusting stuff, but it's really helpful..." (26:24)

4. Guided Meditations: Are They 'Training Wheels'?

• Question from Jeanette: After ten years of guided meditations, should she “move on” to timer-only?
• Dan’s answer:
  Strongly in favor of guided sessions if they help you practice.
  • “The best kind of meditation is the kind of meditation you actually do.” (30:05)
  • Guided meditations offer wisdom and reminders—no shame in them; experiment if you wish, but don’t force it.

5. Meditation Focal Points: The 'Third Eye'

• Question from Jamie: Why does Dan use “space between the eyebrows,” not “third eye”?
• Dan’s reply:
  • Personal preference—avoids spiritual cliche, plus he’s unfamiliar with Hindu/Vedic tradition.
  • “If anybody’s wrong here, it’s me.” (33:37)

6. Restlessness & Neurodiversity: Meditation for ADHD Brains

• Question from Andra: Can't relax or sit still; meditation practice lapsed.
• Dan’s advice:
  • Don’t assume meditation must be relaxing; “You may sit and meditate and just feel nothing but restlessness... and that could be a perfect meditation.” (35:20)
  • Walking meditation is highly recommended for restless, ADHD or neurodivergent practitioners.
    • Walk slowly, focus on physical sensations, use mental noting (“hot,” “cool,” “hardness,” etc.)
    • Personal anecdote: Dan often walks in a Snuggie for his evening meditation—"I look like a druid or something out of Paranormal Activity...” (38:40)

7. How Long Should I Meditate? Pushing Past Plateaus

• Question from Kevin: Stuck at 8–10 minutes—should he try to go longer?
• Dan’s nuanced answer:
  • You’re “perfect and could use a little improvement.”
  • 8–10 minutes a day is fantastic; only push longer if you feel up for it, not from a sense of deficiency.
  • Personal caveat: Over-optimizing can backfire, so push gently. (42:46)

Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Not Finding a Solid Self:

  “The not finding is the finding.” (08:17)

• On Drowning vs. Surfing Emotions:

  “It's like the difference between drowning and surfing.” (18:01)

• On Chasing States in Meditation:

  “The point is not to feel any kind of way. The point is to feel whatever you’re feeling clearly, mindfully.” (21:09)

• Joseph Goldstein Mantra:

  "It's okay does not mean the situation is okay. It means it's okay to feel this thing that is just a liberating idea." (21:17)

• On Meditation 'Agendas':

  “What’s the attitude in the mind right now? Or you can just use attitude check. And I’ve often said it’s like shining a black light on the sheets in a hotel room. You see lots of disgusting stuff, but it's really helpful...” (26:24)

• On Guided vs. Unguided Practice:

  “The best kind of meditation is the kind of meditation you actually do.” (30:05)

• Humorous Moment:

  “Wearing a Snuggie is the number one sign of being neurodivergent.” (Olivia, via chat, 40:20)

• On Over-optimizing:

  “I am a classic over optimizer. I and the people around me have suffered as a result.” (43:14)

Timestamps for Major Segments

• 00:00 — Episode intro, context on non-duality and the “inner CEO” concept
• 07:20 — Exploring the illusion of the solid self
• 13:55 — Rose’s question: Meditating through deep sadness/loneliness
• 21:09 — Lisa’s question: Craving calm/concentration, meditation as a state vs. process
• 30:05 — Jeanette’s question: Guided meditations vs. timer-only
• 33:37 — Jamie’s question: “Third eye” as meditation focal point
• 35:20 — Andra’s ADHD/restlessness/meditation lapse question
• 38:40 — Walking meditation tips, personal and humorous anecdotes
• 42:46 — Kevin’s question: Extending meditation duration

Summary

This episode cuts through the common myths and unrealistic expectations surrounding meditation, gently insisting that mindfulness is about meeting yourself where you are—not fixing, forcing, or chasing states. Dan encourages listeners to approach whatever arises with curiosity, patience, and humor, offering clear, actionable advice for handling tough emotions, ego traps, neurodiversity, and perfectionist impulses along the path.

Whether you’re a beginner stuck on training wheels or a seasoned practitioner chasing elusive concentration, Dan’s message is unwavering:

Do the practice you can, welcome what comes, and let go—even a little—of the “little CEO” who thinks you should always feel calm.

For more wisdom, live sessions, and guided practices, visit Dan’s app or danharris.com.