10% Happier with Dan Harris
Episode: The Science Of Speaking Up For Yourself | Elaine Lin Hering
Date: December 24, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode delves into the science and lived experience of "unlearning silence"—how and why many of us hold our tongues, edit ourselves, or silence others, often unconsciously. Host Dan Harris is joined by co-host Dr. Bianca Harris and guest Elaine Lin Hering, a former Harvard Law lecturer and expert in negotiation and difficult conversations. The conversation explores the roots of silence, associated health and relational costs, when silence is useful versus oppressive, and practical steps for speaking up effectively and creating cultures of voice—at work, at home, and within ourselves.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Roots and Costs of Silence

• Elaine’s Personal Story (07:31):
  Elaine shares how growing up as the youngest daughter of Taiwanese immigrants and in a Christian church ingrained in her a need to "turn the other cheek" and put her own needs last.

  "I learned a lot of silence...The silence we've learned, the silence we've benefited from, and the silence that we often continue to perpetuate without realizing what we're doing." (08:16)

• Unintentional Silencing (08:48):
  We all silence others, sometimes accidentally. The real question is whether we’re aware of it and willing to make different choices going forward.

• Defining Voice and Silence (09:40):
  Voice is defined as “how you move through the world and the agency to decide how you're going to move.” The critical difference in silence is agency—whether it’s chosen or imposed.

• Stakes: Health, Identity, and Relationships (10:44):
  Chronic self-silencing has serious health impacts, contributes to loneliness, and prevents authenticity in relationships.

  "I may be married to you, but I may never know you. And if I never know you, how could I really love you?" (11:35)

2. The Subtlety and Impact of Self-Silencing

• Cultural, Gender, and Role Conditioning (18:23):
  While gender plays a role, Elaine argues it's about cultural and societal expectations:

  "...any time you carry a subordinated identity...you are more likely to be othered, more likely to be second guessed because you're different." (19:13)

• Silence as a Choice vs. Imposition
  There’s healthy, self-protective silence and then there’s dangerous silence resulting from lack of agency.

  "The difference is whether you're choosing it or whether it feels like the only choice." (21:01)

3. Speaking Up: Risks, Biases, and Small Experiments

• Fear of Disclosure (15:47–16:14):
  Bianca discusses the risks in medicine of revealing vulnerability at work.

• Running Experiments (44:18):
  Elaine encourages “small experiments”—starting with low-risk acts of voice (like asking a cab driver to open a window)—to build new data points that challenge the belief that speaking up always ends badly.

• The Voice/Silence Cost-Benefit Analysis (50:30):
  We usually overweight the immediate, personal costs (discomfort, risk of rejection) and underweight the long-term relational and personal costs of remaining silent.

  "We over index on the short term costs and we under index on the long term costs of if I don't have this conversation now, what's going to happen in five days, in five months, in five years?" (51:11)

• Present Bias & Self-Bias (52:25):
  These biases skew us toward silence: we focus on our short-term comfort and spotlight our own risk, ignoring long-term and systemic benefits of voice.

4. The Four-Step Plan to Using Your Voice (64:06)

Elaine offers a practical framework:

1. Start With Why: Anchor conversations in your deeper motivations (“Why might I even want to have the conversation?”).
2. Connect the Dots: Articulate your perspective explicitly, acknowledging its legitimacy and its limits.
3. Make the Ask Clear: State your needs or requests as plainly as possible.
4. Embrace Resistance: Expect pushback, view it as engagement and information, and explore concerns openly.

"If you ever work with salespeople, you know that any engagement is considered good, because engagement means interest of some sort. Resistance pushback is actually information if we can unpack it." (66:24)

5. From Individual to Collective—How to Encourage Voice in Others

• In Teams & Relationships (56:41):
  Creating psychological safety and rewarding speaking up changes others’ calculations and shifts organizational culture toward voice.

  "You're building a culture of voice. Because the narrative over time is, oh, it's okay to say things to Dan. In fact, it's good." (57:03)

• Norms, Social Capital & Lending Endorsement (69:15):
  If you have an easy time speaking up, use that privilege to explicitly endorse or invite others’ contributions—especially those who are regularly overlooked.

  "How can I lend my endorsement? Right. Hey, y'all should really listen to Bianca because she has the most nuanced analysis of the situation I’ve ever heard... you're using your social capital to say, hey, listen to this person." (70:44)

6. Silencing in Family and Parenting

• Raising Children with Voice (72:23):
  How do we help children develop healthy voice without mayhem? Balance between honoring their opinions and teaching awareness of impact on others.

  "Short term, long term. If I enforce silence right now, it might make today easier...But what kind of human being am I really trying to raise?" (72:23)

• Personal Dynamics and Co-Parenting
  Bianca recounts struggles with her son’s outspokenness versus her own learning curve in voice. The complexity of co-parenting when one partner is more hands-on day-to-day, and how collaborative support matters.

Notable Quotes & Moments

• The Impact of Internalized Storylines

  "We edit before we even have the conversation with the other person. And at some level it's easier because then I'm writing the script to this movie." – Elaine (25:51)

• Silence as a Trauma Response

  “I don't get angry, I get distant...that may be what I'm doing in some of these conversations. It's just another aspect of silencing myself, but also silencing you in the process.” – Dan (33:05)

• The Power of Experimentation

  "Can we experiment in a way that gets us more data points that show us it is okay to ask?" – Elaine (44:04)

• Parenting and the Next Generation of Voice

  “If I enforce silence now…it might make today easier…But what kind of human being am I really trying to raise?” – Elaine (72:23)

• Moving Forward

  “Where I want to leave us all is that we can make different choices going forward. The silence we've learned...doesn't have to be the habit we perpetuate tomorrow.” – Elaine (77:44)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Elaine’s Background and Origins of Silence: 07:31–10:34
• Defining Voice and Silence: 09:40–10:34
• Health and Relational Stakes of Silence: 10:44–11:55
• Professional and Personal Dynamics (Bianca): 12:05–16:14
• Cultural/Gender Differences and Systemic Silence: 18:23–20:05
• Silence as Self-Care or Dysfunction: 20:05–22:45
• Cost-Benefit Analysis of Speaking Up: 50:30–54:27
• The Four-Step Plan: 64:06–68:44
• How to Encourage Others’ Voice & Workplace Norms: 56:41–71:15
• Parenting, Voice, and Family Dynamics: 71:56–77:34
• Closing Reflections: 77:44–78:41

Final Thoughts

The episode is a nuanced, practical, and often personal conversation about the importance of finding and using your voice, exploring deeply ingrained habits, and intentionally creating room for everyone to be heard—yourself included. Listeners will come away with not only a deeper understanding of “silence” but a toolkit for experimenting with, encouraging, and advocating for voice in their work, relationships, and families.

Resources Mentioned

• Elaine’s Book: Unlearning Silence: How to Speak Your Mind, Unleash Talent, and Live More Fully
• Website/Newsletter/Socials: all at elainelinherring.com

For more insights and Elaine’s guidance, check out her book and connect via her website.