Podcast Summary: "Why Self-Hatred Makes No Sense | Matthew Brensilver"

10% Happier with Dan Harris
Host: Dan Harris
Guest: Matthew Brensilver, Ph.D.
Release Date: May 21, 2025

Introduction

In this insightful episode, Dan Harris welcomes Matthew Brensilver, a clinical social worker and experienced meditation teacher, to explore the intricate concepts of self-love and self-hatred within the Buddhist framework that challenges the very notion of a permanent self. Their conversation delves into the feasibility of self-love and self-hatred if the self is considered an illusion, the skepticism surrounding personal emotions like anger, and the ethical implications of self-perception.

The Illusion of Self: Self-Love and Self-Hatred

Dan Harris begins by posing a profound Buddhist question: "Does self-hatred or self-love make sense if the self is an illusion?" (00:21).

Matthew Brensilver responds by reframing the conversation around a "spectrum of the density of self," where self-hatred represents a rigid and oppressive sense of self, while self-love signifies a more fluid and accepting relationship with oneself (07:30). He emphasizes that self-love is not about narcissism but about a deep understanding, forgiveness, and acceptance of one's limitations.

Notable Quote:
"Self love, in this sort of more capacious understanding of the word, gets you towards seeing that the self is not as real as you thought in the first place." – Matthew Brensilver (09:32)

Moving from Self-Hatred to Self-Love

The discussion navigates how self-hatred is a form of fixation that makes it difficult to let go of the self, whereas self-love allows for detachment and a deeper appreciation of one's existence. Brensilver explains that embracing self-love leads to recognizing the emptiness of self, which in turn fosters compassion and reduces the inclination toward self-hatred (10:49).

Notable Quote:
"The self that is hated is much more difficult to forget than the self that is loved." – Matthew Brensilver (08:21)

Practical Applications: Handling Anger and Aversion

Dan Harris shares his personal experience of integrating loving-kindness (metta) meditation into his practice, which helped him view his thoughts with warmth and acceptance rather than judgment (11:03). This shift from self-criticism to self-love enabled him to understand that the chaotic thoughts are not a reflection of a fixed self but rather products of various causes and conditions.

Notable Quote:
"When I suffused the mind with warmth and I was seeing whatever came up in my mind with really accepting it, that felt to me like what I might describe as self love." – Dan Harris (12:05)

The Connection Between Self-Love and Ethical Conduct

The conversation transitions to the relationship between self-love and ethical behavior, or sila in Buddhism. Brensilver suggests that as individuals cultivate self-love and understand the emptiness of self, they naturally evolve ethically. This ethical evolution is driven by a deeper appreciation of the interconnectedness of all beings and a commitment to reduce suffering.

Notable Quote:
"As we evolve ethically, we are being called to grow, to evolve ethically." – Matthew Brensilver (37:13)

Addressing Moral Incoherence and Effective Altruism

Brensilver discusses the concept of moral incoherence—feeling that one's lifestyle may not be justifiable given the global suffering—and how this realization can motivate ethical action. He touches upon the effective altruism movement, which seeks to maximize the positive impact of one's actions, aligning closely with Buddhist principles of compassion and ethical responsibility.

Notable Quote:
"What we owe to others... are very egoically provocative questions, I find." – Matthew Brensilver (37:50)

Cultivating Compassion and Reducing Hatred

The dialogue emphasizes the importance of cultivating compassion and reducing hatred through mindfulness and meditation. Brensilver explains that understanding the causality behind our emotions helps dismantle the rigid sense of self that fuels negative emotions, thereby fostering a more compassionate and loving outlook.

Notable Quote:
"The insight into the emptiness of the self actually dramatizes the pain of the predicament of being human." – Matthew Brensilver (11:03)

Overcoming Aversion and Embracing Love

Brensilver shares strategies for dealing with aversion and anger, advocating for a skeptical examination of these emotions to uncover their root causes. By recognizing the delusion inherent in aversive states, individuals can foster a deeper sense of love and understanding, both for themselves and others.

Notable Quote:
"There may be a seed of wisdom in it, but there is always delusion coexisting with it." – Matthew Brensilver (23:03)

Acceptance of Mortality and Its Impact on Love

In a poignant segment, Brensilver discusses how his meditation practice has led to a reduced fear of death and a sense of life being complete. This acceptance allows for a more profound appreciation of love, both self-directed and towards others, as he contemplates the legacy of love as the most significant aspect of one's life.

Notable Quote:
"Death has become much less imposing." – Matthew Brensilver (63:18)

Practical Meditation Guidance

Throughout the episode, Dan Harris promotes live guided meditations focusing on the Brahma Viharas—loving-kindness, compassion, equanimity, and sympathetic joy—as antidotes to anxiety. These ancient practices, validated by modern science, offer psychological and physiological benefits that support the cultivation of self-love and ethical behavior.

Conclusion

The episode concludes with Matthew Brensilver sharing resources for further exploration, including his website and Dharma talks available through Dharma Seed. The conversation leaves listeners with a reinforced understanding of how embracing self-love, within the context of an illusory self, can lead to ethical evolution and a more compassionate engagement with the world.

Notable Quote:
"Love is our birthright. That is possible even for a very ordinary person like myself." – Matthew Brensilver (69:23)

Resources

• Matthew Brensilver's Website: matthewbrensilver.org
• Dharma Seed Talks: Available through Dharma Seed

Note: Portions of this episode were previously aired in February 2022 and have been re-run due to their lasting relevance and impact.