10% Happier with Dan Harris

Episode: Your Negative, Ruminating Mind: Here’s Your Way Out | Sister Dang Nghiem
Guest: Sister Dang Nghiem (“Sister D”)
Date: September 8, 2025

Overview

This episode delves deep into practical and spiritual approaches for managing the negative, ruminative nature of the human mind, centering on a four-step Buddhist process called "Beginning Anew." Host Dan Harris and guest Sister Dang Nghiem ("Sister D"), a physician-turned-Buddhist nun, explore how to transform one’s inner critic, foster self-compassion, and positively impact personal and collective well-being, drawing lessons from both ancient Buddhist teachings and modern neuroscience.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Concept of Beginning Anew (08:12)

• Sister D introduces "Beginning Anew," a four-step practice from the Plum Village tradition (Thich Nhat Hanh) for healing relationships—with others and, crucially, with oneself.
• Its origins trace back to ancient Buddhist sutras and narratives, such as the disciple Shariputra expressing gratitude and requesting forgiveness from the Buddha before his passing.

Four Steps of Beginning Anew:

1. Watering the Flowers/Expressing Gratitude: Recognize and appreciate the positive traits and efforts in oneself (or another).
2. Expressing Regrets/Apologies: Acknowledge and apologize for unskillful behaviors, thoughts, or words.
3. Expressing Hurts: Bring to light the pain, wounds, or trauma within the relationship, whether caused by oneself or others.
4. Finding Resolutions: Commit to actionable steps that nurture strengths and minimize future hurt.

Quote

"For a relationship to be healthy and long lasting, we need to do that. We have a tendency to focus on the negativity, but to be able to focus on the positivity—that gives us more strength, more faith, more confidence in ourselves and in the relationship."
— Sister D (09:13)

2. Is Self-Care Self-Indulgence? The Deeper Meaning (13:44)

• Dan poses a frequent listener concern: isn’t focusing on oneself self-indulgent?
• Sister D distinguishes between vain self-indulgence (“being a diva”) and genuine self-care rooted in “interbeing”—the Buddhist understanding that self and world are inseparable.
• Taking care of oneself is a responsibility, not a selfish act; it’s foundational to helping others and creating positive societal change.

The Four Kinds of People (According to the Buddha):

1. Those who don't care for themselves or others.
2. Those who care for others but not themselves (common in caretakers, parents, activists).
3. Those who care for themselves but not others.
4. Those who care for both themselves and others—the ideal (17:14).

Quote

"The definition of a soulmate, in Vietnamese, is one who knows, who remembers, who takes care, who masters oneself... So our soulmate is us."
— Sister D (18:13)

3. The Soulmate Concept in Buddhism (21:02)

• Dan questions if the notion of a “soulmate” is compatible with Buddhist teaching, given Buddhism’s emphasis on non-self.
• Sister D explains: being one's own soulmate means taking deep, compassionate responsibility for all aspects of oneself—body, feelings, patterns, and inherited trauma—because we are interconnected with our ancestors and the world.

Quote

"If we can learn to get off our own back and have our own back, if we can learn to be our own best friend...that has geopolitical consequences because it ripples out into the world."
— Dan Harris (23:38)

4. Alienation in Modern Life & the Case for Inner Work (24:45)

• Sister D comments on increasing alienation due to technology (“robotic humans”), the neglect of body and emotional needs, and generational transmission of trauma.
• Even a tiny spark of humanity within us (“1%”) longs for freedom and connection, and societal healing starts with individual responsibility.

Quote

"Whatever that we cannot transform, we will transmit."
— Sister D (28:35)

Deep Dive: The Four Steps of Beginning Anew

Step 1: Expressing Gratitude (Watering the Flowers) [41:17]

• Practice: Consciously thank your body, mind, and efforts; recognize small and large acts alike.
• This step helps shift from a scarcity mentality (“I am not enough”) to a mindset of sufficiency and abundance.
  • Example: “Thank you for always trying, my dear. I love you. Thank you.”
• Acknowledgement builds inner strength and lessens dependence on external validation.

Quote

"If we can practice that, giving thanks to ourselves...then that's inner strength. We don't need to wait for others to do it for us. That's being self-love and self-sufficient."
— Sister D (43:35)

• Scarcity vs. Enoughness:
  The “enough” mindset is wealth, and is essential for peace (45:54).

Step 2: Expressing Regrets/Apologies [60:08]

• Practice: Acknowledge unskillful actions or thoughts toward oneself, such as self-criticism, sabotage, negative coping patterns, or harmful behaviors.
• Honesty is crucial—do not “lie to yourself.”
• Practicing self-apology can be more healing than waiting for external apologies.

Quote

"You can fool others, but make sure you don't fool yourself. You can lie to others, but make sure you don't lie to yourself."
— Sister D (64:09)

Step 3: Expressing Hurts [65:40]

• Practice: Admit to yourself the wounds you've suffered, regardless of whether or not you share them with others.
• Sometimes, awareness of these hurts has not yet surfaced; meditation and time can help unearth them.
• Making oneself vulnerable (even only to oneself) fosters resilience and inner strength.

Quote

"If you are able to allow the child in you to express hurts, if you are able to express hurts to yourself, then you build that internal strength. You are not so fragile and so vulnerable..."
— Sister D (68:19)

Step 4: Resolutions/Finding a Way Out [71:00]

• Practice: Identify actionable resolutions—ways to nurture yourself, break negative cycles, and restore trust with yourself.
• “The way out is in”—the solution is found in returning to the body, breath, and mindful awareness.
• Healing is likened to the Japanese art of kintsugi: mending broken pottery with gold, making it more valuable and beautiful.

Quote

"Now all of us will have broken pieces in our life, in our hearts. We don't have to throw those parts away... That's gold. Gold that will mend the pieces of our life, making us unique..."
— Sister D (75:45)

Practical Application: How & When to Practice (31:04)

• Beginning anew can be done anywhere, anytime—not just in meditation.
• You can do all four steps or just one, in any setting (even briefly, e.g., in a bathroom or driving).
• Key techniques: “Loving speech” (uplifting, compassionate truth-telling) and “deep listening” (nonjudgmental, open attention to internal experience).

Quote

"We can do this anytime and anywhere. I don't have to do all four steps at once, you see."
— Sister D (31:04)

Memorable Moments & Notable Quotes

• On Negative Self-Talk:
  "We let this ‘default mode network’...keep hitting us over and over, and eventually we lose all the faith and hope for ourselves—and, of course, for humanity."
  — Sister D (35:58)

• On Skepticism and Science:
  "I get it, this sounds cheesy. But you should know...there’s a ton of science to show that if you can counter program against your inner critic...it will have all sorts of positive psychological and physiological effects."
  — Dan Harris (34:55)

• On Healing Generations:
  "Because my healing and transformation will be the healing and transformation of my parents, as well as of my children and the younger generations."
  — Sister D (63:27)

• On Trauma and Transmission:
  [Telling the story of a mother and daughter who both self-harmed in secret, and the healing moment they shared]
  — (52:00–57:00)

• On Ultimate Self-Care:
  "Not taking care of yourself is being incredibly selfish."
  — Sister D (40:48)

• On Kintsugi and Embracing Wounds:
  "Through the practice of self-beginning anew...we learn to embrace our wounded inner child. That's gold."
  — Sister D (75:45)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Main Theme & Introduction: 00:00–07:48
• Explaining Beginning Anew: 08:12–13:03
• Is Self-Care Self-Indulgent?: 13:44–20:28
• The Four Kinds of People: 17:14–18:13
• Buddhist Perspective on Soulmate & Non-Self: 21:02–24:45
• Modern Alienation & Robotization: 24:45–28:35
• How & When to Begin Anew (Practical Tips): 31:04–34:55
• On the Science Behind Self-Compassion: 34:55–35:58
• Deep Dive into the Four Steps:
  • Step 1: Expressing Gratitude: 41:17–50:01
  • Step 2: Expressing Regret: 60:08–65:19
  • Step 3: Expressing Hurts: 65:40–70:50
  • Step 4: Resolutions: 71:00–82:24
• Closing & Resources: 82:24–83:34

Resources & Further Learning

• Sister D’s books:

  • Healing
  • Mindfulness as Medicine
  • Flowers in the Dark
  • The River in Me

• Talks and teachings: YouTube (Plum Village tradition)

• Dan Harris’s events and meditations: danharris.com

Closing Thoughts

This conversation offers a compassionate, practical toolkit for dealing with negative self-talk, rumination, and the transmission of pain through generations, grounded in both ancient wisdom and modern science. Whether you’re skeptical or experienced in self-kindness practices, the four steps of Beginning Anew provide a roadmap for inner and outer healing, helping us break cycles of suffering and foster deeper connection—with ourselves and the world. As Sister D reminds us:

"When we practice this, we are not just 10% happier, we are a whole lot happier. True happiness, deep from within." (83:02)