2 Bears, 1 Happy Ending w/ Stavros Halkias & Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Summary

2 Bears, 1 Happy Ending with Stavros Halkias & Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Release Date: August 11, 2025
Hosts: Stavros Halkias & Chris Distefano
Guests: Stavros Halkias & Chris Distefano
Sponsored by: Hims

---

1. Opening Banter: Style and Comfort (00:00 - 01:32)

Chris Distefano kicks off the episode with light-hearted remarks about their attire and camaraderie. Wearing a Daryl Strawberry jersey, Chris humorously comments on their mutual "cocaine usage," setting a playful tone for the episode.

• Chris Distefano (00:26): "You know, one thing and one thing only. We're both doing cocaine."

Stavros Halkias responds by complimenting Chris's jersey while joking about his own tight flower shirt, highlighting their contrasting styles.

• Stavros Halkias (00:43): "You know, one thing and one thing only. We're both doing cocaine."

2. Taking Over the Show: Ignoring Tom and Bert (01:32 - 02:25)

The duo humorously acknowledges their temporary control of the show, mentioning how they’re now ignoring videos from the regular hosts, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer.

• Chris Distefano (01:33): "Tom and Bert are sending in videos that we're now ignoring."

They jest about prioritizing more "important topics," poking fun at their own takeover.

3. Anecdotes on Celebrities and Scandals (02:25 - 04:38)

Chris shares humorous stories about Lenny Dykstra and the Kevin Spacey scandal, blending sports anecdotes with pop culture references.

• Chris Distefano (02:00): "They were the 86 Mets...Lenny Dykstra was falling over. 10 out of 10 drunk."

Stavros critiques Spacey’s attempts to deflect allegations, illustrating their comedic take on serious matters.

• Stavros Halkias (03:35): "Trying to play the reverse card. That's not powerful enough."

4. Meeting Cal Ripken: A Humorous Encounter (04:38 - 07:09)

Chris recounts meeting baseball legend Cal Ripken, humorously contrasting Ripken’s achievements with his own comedic opening act.

• Chris Distefano (05:16): "Bringing up Kevin Spacey, who's gonna try to peg me."

They joke about Ripken's disbelief in Chris’s comedy skills, leading to playful banter about breaking records.

• Cal Ripken (05:40): "You're right, man."

5. Discussing ALS and Its Impact (07:09 - 10:51)

The conversation shifts to a more serious topic as Chris delves into Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS), explaining its physiological effects with comedic undertones.

• Chris Distefano (07:33): "The myelin sheath is like the car that's driving on the highway. When it deteriorates, you can't tell your arm to move."

Stavros lightens the mood by referencing historical figures battling ALS, blending humor with information.

• Stavros Halkias (07:11): "FDR showed us you can still be in a wheelchair getting your dick sucked."

6. Political and Current Events Mockery (10:51 - 19:43)

Stavros and Chris mockingly announce their intent to produce a "bad episode," playing with the concept of intentionally lowering content quality for comedic effect. They briefly touch on political topics, including the Epstein scandal and presidential policies, using satire to critique current events.

• Stavros Halkias (12:16): "We're tanking the show on purpose so YMH can draft Shane and Matt McCusker to save this thing."

They express frustration humorously over their current lack of involvement with the main hosts.

7. Personal Stories: Auditions and Acting Roles (19:43 - 24:31)

Chris shares his experiences with acting auditions, highlighting failed attempts and rejections with self-deprecating humor.

• Chris Distefano (21:05): "My agent was telling me, you're close... there was no audition."

Stavros relates by sharing similar struggles, fostering a sense of camaraderie through shared setbacks.

8. Hair Loss and Sponsored Content (24:31 - 44:16)

The duo transitions into discussing personal grooming and hair loss, seamlessly integrating a sponsored segment for Hims. They humorously debate the aesthetics of hair loss and the effectiveness of treatments.

• Stavros Halkias (14:13): "Visit hims.com/bears for your free online visit."

Chris emphasizes his commitment to the brand while maintaining comedic flair.

• Chris Distefano (16:57): "We can save you."

9. Fan Interaction and Theme Song Suggestions (44:16 - 53:35)

Responding to fan comments, Stavros and Chris entertain suggestions for a new theme song, showcasing their creative process and the playful dynamic between them.

• Megan Ferguson (4122) (25:18): "Great substitute teachers. Why not try to come up with a different theme song..."

They collaborate on creating a humorous theme, incorporating elements like banjos and playful lyrics.

• Chris Distefano (26:17): "I like the banjo. It's making me think like we were just in Deliverance."

10. Physical Therapy Segment: Massage and Comedy (53:35 - 67:27)

In a unique twist, Chris, a physical therapist, demonstrates a mock massage session on Stavros, blending genuine advice with comedic interruptions. This segment satirizes instructional content while maintaining humor.

• Chris Distefano (66:15): "Any pain at all? Nothing. Okay, try it the other way."

Stavros humorously engages with the process, highlighting their chemistry and comedic timing.

11. Closing Remarks and Upcoming Shows (67:27 - End)

The episode wraps up with announcements for upcoming gigs and tours, intertwined with playful jabs and continued humor.

• Chris Distefano (67:45): "Permission to party. World tour starts September 18th in Rockford, Illinois."

Stavros and Chris finalize the episode with a humorous take on their own content creation struggles and future plans.

---

Notable Quotes

• Chris Distefano (00:26): "You know, one thing and one thing only. We're both doing cocaine."

• Stavros Halkias (03:35): "Trying to play the reverse card. That's not powerful enough."

• Chris Distefano (05:16): "Bringing up Kevin Spacey, who's gonna try to peg me."

• Stavros Halkias (14:13): "Visit hims.com/bears for your free online visit."

• Chris Distefano (26:17): "I like the banjo. It's making me think like we were just in Deliverance."

• Chris Distefano (66:15): "Any pain at all? Nothing. Okay, try it the other way."

---

Conclusion

In this episode of "2 Bears, 1 Cave," Stavros Halkias and Chris Distefano take center stage, delivering a mix of humor, personal anecdotes, and satirical takes on current events. Their chemistry shines through playful banter, while segments like the physical therapy demonstration add a unique twist to the typical comedic podcast format. Listeners are left entertained with a blend of light-hearted jokes and relatable stories, all wrapped up with promotional snippets for upcoming shows and sponsors.

Transcript

[Chris Distefano]

100%. What's up, everybody? Welcome to yet another Summer Two Bears, One Cave episode. I'm Chrissy. That's Stavi.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's right.

[Chris Distefano]

We're here. We're chilling. We have a. I'm wearing a Daryl Strawberry jersey.

[Stavros Halkias]

Shout out to Daryl.

[Chris Distefano]

I'm wearing a Daryl Strawberry jersey. Stavros has got that flower shirt on, so, you know, one thing and one thing only. We're both doing cocaine.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. We're. We're dressed like the boys of summer in two ways right now. Yes, absolutely. No, you are looking good. I do love Daryl Strawberry. I also. I was hoping this wouldn't be as tight. You know, you. You know when you put on a shirt and you only put it on standing, right? And then you realize, oh, I'm going to be sitting in this for an hour.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, but, dude, but I've told you this before. You. You pull off just a little of this. The weight. But I. I know it might not feel good for you, but it looks good on you.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's all that matters.

[Chris Distefano]

That's the thing.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's more about, you know, I. You know, I've just. I need to. I'm going to lock in. Listen, episode five, folks. You're gonna see me. You're gonna be like, who the hell is this guy? Yeah, who the hell is this guy? Who is three pounds.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, dude, I think. I think that you look good in it. And I feel like we're now. This is the fourth episode. We're now settling in. We have taken over the show for the first whole month of summer.

[Stavros Halkias]

Wow.

[Chris Distefano]

And I feel. Feel like. I feel like this is becoming our thing, and I feel like we're stepping into the stride here.

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay.

[Chris Distefano]

You know, Tom and Bert are sending in videos that we're now ignoring. We used to comment. We used to put them on the show, but now they're sending them in, and we're just ignoring them.

[Stavros Halkias]

We're like, sorry. We got it. We have very important topics to discuss. Yeah, we got to talk about the ways Chris nuts.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

You know, I'd love to get more about Darryl Sharp. I mean, you want to talk about a legendary team, that match team doing cocaine, getting their dick sucked in the dugout.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, it's amazing. I'm sure you've seen that documentary about that flight they took after they beat Houston.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

I mean, Lenny Dykstra nails just have. Dude, they. They were. They. Were they the 86 Mets. Once I was at a game when they, like, came back to be, like, honored and, like, the Whole team was there. I'm like, we were in the stand, and we could kind of like, see where they had them sitting. And, I mean, Dykstra was falling over. Like, he still was. I mean, just 10 out of 10 drunk. Now, he'll do people's podcasts, but you got to pay them.

[Stavros Halkias]

Interesting.

[Chris Distefano]

Ian Finance. He did Ian Finance Podcast, and then he was done with, like, being Ian, and he was like, where's my 120 bucks?

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

I was like, what? And he said to, like, pay him, like, out of his pocket, I think.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm sorry, man. I don't have it right now.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. He was just sitting there in a moomoo. Yeah. Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Wow. To meet two minds.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Finance v. Dyke Finance v. Dykstra.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's the, like, Frost Nixon of our day, dude.

[Chris Distefano]

Because Lenny. Lenny Dykstra was certainly the hero of the Delaware Water Gap, so I'm sure that Ian really looked up to him.

[Stavros Halkias]

Absolutely.

[Chris Distefano]

I met one of your heroes, Cal Ripken.

[Stavros Halkias]

Whoa.

[Chris Distefano]

Did I ever tell you that? Okay, so this is. So I got asked to open up some, like, political. You know, like. Like, this was 2015, maybe.

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay.

[Chris Distefano]

I. I got. It was like, some, you know, political fundraising thing in dc. They. They were like, benefit whatever. They asked me to do five minutes of comedy. And this was before the whole scandal went down. Kevin Spacey. It was the Kevin Spacey foundation, and it. Ripken and Kevin Spacey and.

[Stavros Halkias]

Dude, we were in there two at the time. Straight men.

[Chris Distefano]

Yep.

[Stavros Halkias]

You know, Spacey didn't. Brilliant move being like, I'm actually gay.

[Chris Distefano]

Right.

[Stavros Halkias]

I mean, you gotta respect him. Trying to be like, hey, you're an abuser. You're like, but I'm gay.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Trying to throw. It's like, yeah, just like, you actually can't play that reverse card. That's not powerful enough.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, and so. And so. But I will tell you, I do think even back then, he did, because I remember jazz when you suck your dick. Well, I. Yeah. He not tried.

[Stavros Halkias]

He succeeded. You're like, can I be in House of Cards? Season seven. Show's been off the air three years. He's like, yes, yes. Do what I say, Chris. Yeah, Frank.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. And so. And so he.

[Stavros Halkias]

My, my. That's a nice mouth you got there, Mr. DeStefano.

[Chris Distefano]

He so, so. But Jasmine even said when we were in the green room with him, she was like, he's a little weird. And I was like, I thought he was a nice guy.

[Stavros Halkias]

She's like, yeah, but he keeps putting.

[Chris Distefano]

His hands on your shoulders. And massaging. I was like, he told me he's calming me down. I got a big show, and then I remember. But I actually, I actually liked him first for the one day I met him. I was like, this guy's actually pretty cool.

[Stavros Halkias]

He did tell me how pathetic you are.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, he did. He did.

[Stavros Halkias]

Post cancellation. You're like, no, I'm not a bad guy. You might have some juice in the industry.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, I could see, man Come Back's coming House of Card, season two. So he. But he. He said to me, you know, he was like, oh, I'll find you after the show, and I'll find you after the show, and, like, you know, we can, like, hang out, whatever.

[Stavros Halkias]

That must have been flattering because he liked twinks.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

And you struggled with your body image issues for years. So a guy who likes to fuck svelte teenagers wanting to fuck you. That must have felt good.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, it felt good. I felt I was having one of my skinny months.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. Okay, that makes sense.

[Chris Distefano]

And so. But Cal Ripken, dude, first of all, he's got the bluest eyes, like, baby blue, where it's, like, actually, like, it's stunning. Where you're like, what is what with your eyes, dude? Like, are you, like, from Iceland or something?

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

And so. But he tells me. He goes. He's like, dude, I, I. I don't know how you can do standup comedy. I'd be so nervous. I was like, you broke Lou Gehrig's record.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

And he goes, yeah, but baseball. He was like, I'm playing a sport. He's like, it's not all on me. It's like a team game. He was like, I just got to do my little part. And I was like, no, no, Cal. What? You. You've broke Lou Gehrig's. Bless you. He broke Lou Gehrig's, like, record. I'm going up there doing five of the hackiest minutes because they told me I have, and I can't make fun of Puerto Ricans and I can't do my barrel of tricks. So I'm just gonna go up there like a hack fest to open up the show and then bring up Kevin Spacey, who's gonna try to peg me.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

And you, like, what you've done is, like, amazing. And he literally couldn't get over, like, how. And then he watched me, and he was like, I can't believe you couldn't even.

[Stavros Halkias]

Then he watched you, and he's like, never mind.

[Chris Distefano]

He's like, yeah, you know What? You're right, man.

[Stavros Halkias]

I see it.

[Chris Distefano]

I broke Lou Gehrig's record. He's like, you look like you're just doing comedy with.

[Stavros Halkias]

They should. Yeah, they're gonna name a brain disease after. You're gonna name a type of down syndrome. DiStefano's disease. But, yeah, what is it? Gary Garrick's.

[Chris Distefano]

Garrick's disease. Als. Amyotropic lateral sclerosis. What a sick disease that is. It's like, so ALS that you have, like, upper motor neurons and lower motor neurons. So it's basically like als. Hd Crystal, dude. It's one of these things because it's, like, terrifying when they teach you, like, the physiology of it all, where you're like, oh, my God. Because polio is a lower motor neuron disease. That's why I, like, just messes, really, with your legs.

[Stavros Halkias]

Interesting.

[Chris Distefano]

But, like. And, you know, we got to listen.

[Stavros Halkias]

FDR showed us you can still be in a wheelchair getting your dick sucked on the sneak.

[Chris Distefano]

100%.

[Stavros Halkias]

You know what I mean? Polio, not so you can still set up a nuke for deployment.

[Chris Distefano]

You know, let Harry truly launch it.

[Stavros Halkias]

Your lesbian cousin wife is in the White House. You're getting your dick sucked in the hot springs so bad.

[Chris Distefano]

It ain't so bad. FDR proved it. Americans are the best. So. So. But. But the ALS is terrifying because it's an upper motor neuron and lower motor neuron disease. So it means, like, the upper part of your, you know, upper body and lower body. But it's like, what happens is, is, like, there's a thing around your nerves called the myelin sheath. And it's basically like, if your nerves are like a highway, the myelin sheath is like the car that's, like, driving on the highway. And then when with als, the myelin sheath, the car starts to deteriorate. So, like, your nerves are, like, the pathway is working, but you can't, like, tell your arm to move even, because, like, the car. You don't have a car. Or you can tell it to move, but it's. It's like you're walking, so it's like, move, and then your arm will go like that. Damn right.

[Stavros Halkias]

And then.

[Chris Distefano]

But the thing that's terrifying about it, and so I. You know, no cure. Nobody knows how it happens, how you even get it. Jesus Christ. Now it's a little bit linked to, like, head trauma, at least some parts of it, because an alarming amount of, like, boxers and NFL athletes start to get ALS because of, like, concussions and all. That stuff they think. But I don't know if it's been like proven proven yet. But like, you know what's happening to you. Like your brain doesn't. Isn't affected. So it's like your lungs and arms and like, like, you know, like Stephen Hawking is a perfect example. Like he was still a brilliant sign. He was on Epstein's island getting blown creating like new Pythagorean theories on his.

[Stavros Halkias]

Wife in a weird can move.

[Chris Distefano]

But his bot. So he.

[Stavros Halkias]

You're like, what do you think he had like could his fingering clits? Like it was the wheelchair thing.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

You think he would just be like, bring your right here.

[Chris Distefano]

Like Professor X. Yeah. So. So. But it. That's what that riff was about.

[Stavros Halkias]

Him cheating with an overage woman. Let me be clear.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes.

[Stavros Halkias]

We're not riffing about.

[Chris Distefano]

We are not riffing about.

[Stavros Halkias]

We do not think. That's right. Epstein did not kill himself. Release the files, President Trump.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes. Release the files.

[Stavros Halkias]

Ridgewood is up in arms.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes.

[Stavros Halkias]

You're threatening to lose your most racist idiot base.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Throw the out. That's how you know.

[Chris Distefano]

That's how you know it's bad. We voted to see the Epstein files. Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm a one issue voter.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

I want to know how much pussy from children Bill Gates got.

[Chris Distefano]

I mean, it's even.

[Stavros Halkias]

And if you don't tell me that President Trump. We are true.

[Chris Distefano]

The president of Greenland has says Trump will give you the country if you just release the Epstein files. Remember when you wanted us. You can have all our land. Just release it. Just tweet it.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. So anyway, let's finish up our ALS discuss.

[Chris Distefano]

So it's just a scary disease when you learn about, like when I was going through physical therapy school, you're saying.

[Stavros Halkias]

Your mind knows what's going on.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes. It's like. And when you learn about.

[Stavros Halkias]

And that.

[Chris Distefano]

And that's also what blows your mind too is like when I would start doing like these clinical rounds, like when I was in school. Like, you'll be at like I was doing one at like nyu, like the, you know, like the neurological floor. And you're like treating a kid that's like your age that just like had some wild disease happen and you're like, oh, my God.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

So I don't know why we need to get into that on a comedy podcast, but sometimes I like to just throw a wrench.

[Stavros Halkias]

What I like to do is just kind of cool off. This shows a little momentum. We don't want. Let's be Clear. We don't want this to be successful. No, we. This is a part time summer job. Remember when you were 14 and you would work at a lemonade stand, an ice cream stand or some shit for a little spending money? That's what we're doing here.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

So we've decided. Bad episode today.

[Chris Distefano]

This is Uncle Louie G's Italian. I.

[Stavros Halkias]

We're going to do depressing Als talk. We're going to, you know, we'll, we'll read comments.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

We're going to play a video from Bert, which you guys seem to hate.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes.

[Stavros Halkias]

It seems like Bert all your moms or something. I don't even. I don't know what's going on. It's his podcast. But you all hate him. I don't know. So we're going to play a video from him.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

We're trying to stop any momentum that are. So let's be clear. This is like when your mom is dating a guy and he gets you a ninja. He gets you a Power Rangers action figure so that you'll play with it so he can fuck your mother.

[Chris Distefano]

Right.

[Stavros Halkias]

And you think he loves you.

[Chris Distefano]

No. Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

He just wants the time to go by fast.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

So don't start getting feelings for us. We're not sticking.

[Chris Distefano]

We're not sticking around. Here's how committed we are to make making sure this episode is awful. We want you to stick around to the end because the last five minutes I'm gonna massage. Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's our big teaser. I'm gonna pop my top. I'm gonna take my shirt off there. I did sign a contract where the fat guy does have to show his nipples at least once on this podcast. They basically, they were looking for a guy with an annoying laugh who was willing to take his shirt off. That's how I got it. And so the contraction, we're gonna, we are gonna fulfill that. So that's our big only fans tease. Wait till the last five minutes. Chris is gonna prove he's a physical therapist. I have a crick in my neck. He's go to see if he can get rid of it.

[Chris Distefano]

I'm going to see if I get rid of it.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm going to. By the way, that counts as the hour.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes.

[Stavros Halkias]

So we are, like I said, bad episode. Phoning this one in.

[Chris Distefano]

Phoning this.

[Stavros Halkias]

We might even do some current event stuff about things that happened when you're listening four weeks ago.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

We haven't decided yet. We're going to see how it feels. We have places to be. I have an Exterminator to see. Chris probably has to go to court again.

[Chris Distefano]

I have to go to court again. I have movers coming. And that's why we want to talk about this shocking death of Hulk Hogan and Ozzy Osbourne.

[Stavros Halkias]

Who could have seen those two? Two of the healthiest men with the sharpest minds left.

[Chris Distefano]

Dude, this shirt is a true Classic. I'm telling you, you look great, dude. It literally frames your body. Like people have been saying it's hiding.

[Stavros Halkias]

That you look jacked and you are not in good shape.

[Chris Distefano]

Right, Exactly.

[Stavros Halkias]

That is a beautiful T shirt.

[Chris Distefano]

People have been saying to me, like, all weekend, I had some show. I was in Winnipeg, shout out Winnipeg.

[Stavros Halkias]

And.

[Chris Distefano]

And people were like, like five different people. Like, dude, you're jacked. Like, you're more jacked in person. That was True classic T shirt.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's all True Classic.

[Chris Distefano]

That's all it is. You don' to work out just throwing True Classics. This shirt, it just fits tight on the arms. What it does is it fits like, it frames this up top. Like guys are broader shoulders, but then it gets loose at the bottom.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's a little tent. I also, when I'm not wearing gas station T shirts, like, I'm not dressed.

[Chris Distefano]

Like you're going to a fish concert.

[Stavros Halkias]

I actually also am a true classic guy. And even speaking now, these are the two things that can do for you. Wait, we are the two types of bodies that watch two bears. Yes, secretly fat, but to the eye, maybe could be jacked and incredibly obese. And for both of us, it knocks you into one level hotter than you are. You look jacked. And when I wear true Classic, I get to like, have you lost weight? Haven't.

[Chris Distefano]

Right?

[Stavros Halkias]

But you always get that look. It tents your fat little belly. The fabrics are nice. I really enjoy True Classics. They are a go to for me when I'm wearing. They're my new, like, basic.

[Chris Distefano]

Then I'll be completely upfront. They first. You know, they were advertising a lot on podcasts. I'm sure you've heard a lot of ads for True Classics. So I got them sent to me. And then I love the way they fit that. I literally have like maybe 30 true classic T shirts. I bought them all. I mean, and I forgot to even use money. Yeah. And I forgot to even use my promo code.

[Stavros Halkias]

So guys, use the promo code. Use this promo code right now.

[Chris Distefano]

Use it right now.

[Stavros Halkias]

You can find them at Target, Costco or head to 8 or at the trueclassic.com/bears to try them for yourself. Now Folks, no one really plans for hair loss.

[Chris Distefano]

They don't.

[Stavros Halkias]

Right? You don't want it to happen.

[Chris Distefano]

You think my friend Debo wanted to start balding at 18?

[Stavros Halkias]

Wow, that's tough. I. Look, I myself have experienced some of it now. You don't. I'll be honest with you. You don't got what it takes to rock balding hair. Most of you out there.

[Chris Distefano]

No.

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay.

[Chris Distefano]

No.

[Stavros Halkias]

Dude, this takes a psychic toll. People look at me if they don't know I'm a comedian. This is. I get the widest range. If you know me, people treat me with, like, respect. You know, if they're a fan, a woman might even sleep with me 100%. But when people have no idea who I am, I'm treated like the scum of the earth.

[Chris Distefano]

Right?

[Stavros Halkias]

They spit in my face. I've had waitresses when I was toothless and bald, I had waitresses laughing at me.

[Chris Distefano]

Right?

[Stavros Halkias]

You know, when I would. It was. So the point is, you don't want this life.

[Chris Distefano]

No.

[Stavros Halkias]

It takes too much.

[Chris Distefano]

It takes a toll only certain people can pull off. Looking like a founding father. That's right.

[Stavros Halkias]

And you can't do it. And that's what we have today, is our pals at hims are going to save you from this wretched existence that I live every day. I have to do it. I'm an entertainer. I need a thing. You're a guy at a bank. You're a guy in an office. You can't have this hair. Okay? What you need is to take the next step with confidence. Access treatments with clinically proven ingredients like finasteride and minoxidil to stop hair loss. And we grow that in three. Thank you, brother. In three to six months. No waiting rooms, no hoops, just ingredients, like a track record of results. HIMSS offers convenient access to a range of prescription hair loss treatments. You know, you'll get it quick. You'll regrow your shit in three to six months. Love it. You know, everything is 100. You have 100% online access to personalized treatments that put your goals first. No hidden fees, no surprise cost, just real personalized care on your schedule. And listen, I might even. You know what?

[Chris Distefano]

You know what?

[Stavros Halkias]

What? Come check us out in a month. Maybe I'm signing up for him's hair and you're going to see. I mean, I can't even fathom how powerful I would be.

[Chris Distefano]

Dude, you would.

[Stavros Halkias]

If I had a regrow. If I had an actual. Just like. No, I mean, first of all, we'll see how Powerful him is. You want to catch this fast?

[Chris Distefano]

Hims might actually put a disclaimer on this. Like, we actually can't save stabby, but we can save you.

[Stavros Halkias]

We can save you. So for simple online access to personalized and affordable care for hair loss, ed weight loss. And now they just. They just. They've said everything. We're talking about hair. Why. Why at the end are you just attacking the hymns?

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

So to personalize affordable care for hair loss, ed weight loss and more, visit hims.com bears that's him.com bears for your free online visit hims.com bears Individual results may vary based on studies of topical and oral minoxidil finasteride prescription requires. See website for full details, restrictions and important safety information.

[Chris Distefano]

Boom. Yeah. So wait, so we're coming to you live from mid August when, yeah, Hulk Hogan passed away, you know, July 4th. And we, we thought now's the good time to talk about Shane hosted the ESPYs and. Yeah, yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

So, all right, we'll do. Like we said, we're. We do. As much as we are going to have a bad episode, we do want to. Our dear producer, Benson Spoon has put together some comments. So, you know, we're going to just check in. Sure. We're going to. Again, we're coasting to the finish line.

[Chris Distefano]

That's it. We're over halfway, 100%.

[Stavros Halkias]

Two more episodes after this. So we want to see, you know what, Some suggestions.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

What can we do?

[Chris Distefano]

We're like the team that's already made the playoffs and we're just resting our best players. We're just resting our best.

[Stavros Halkias]

Well, we haven't made the blast. We're tanking to get a number one.

[Chris Distefano]

Get another number one pick.

[Stavros Halkias]

We're sitting our guys. We're outsourcing.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Talking to Internet content.

[Chris Distefano]

That's a good point.

[Stavros Halkias]

We're putting ourselves on the bench and we're going to read what you have to say. Right.

[Chris Distefano]

In an effort to get YMH out of the mud. We're tanking the show on. On. We're tanking the show on purpose so YMH can draft Shane and Matt McCusker to save this thing.

[Stavros Halkias]

No, you get rights to Shane's firstborn child.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's what it is. Oh, I would love like ma. Actually, you get rights to match daughters. Some black conspiracy theorist girl podcast. If he puts those the way, like the way, like, you know, guys put their kid. Football players put their kids in sports. Matt better put his daughters into conspiracy podcast because he. That Will be if you can merge, call her daddy. And, you know, fucking Matt and Shane and, you know, and Truan on and all this stuff. Perfect. Now we're thinking. All right.

[Chris Distefano]

Okay.

[Stavros Halkias]

Here.

[Chris Distefano]

What we have for this is from NIVEC 1590.

[Stavros Halkias]

Go ahead.

[Chris Distefano]

Stop. You apologize for interrupting. You have already improved. Two Bears. Lol.

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay.

[Chris Distefano]

Here you go.

[Stavros Halkias]

Very good.

[Chris Distefano]

Bar is low, I guess, because bird interrupts, I suppose.

[Stavros Halkias]

I guess so.

[Chris Distefano]

All right.

[Stavros Halkias]

All right, Good. See, this isn't good. Next.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, yeah. These are too positive now. Come on, Spoon. Stop working on your guitar. Rips you.

[Stavros Halkias]

Here we go. Be more racist.

[Chris Distefano]

That's for me.

[Stavros Halkias]

You're letting down your base.

[Chris Distefano]

Sorry about that. Yeah. Because there was a couple of times earlier in the show where Stav was like, oh, we're not gonna get into making fun of the Chinese. I was like, I thought that's why I was here.

[Stavros Halkias]

I thought that's why I lost my gig on Netflix.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

That is why I rem. Great story. Thank you.

[Chris Distefano]

Bin Fong into the duck sauce. Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

All right. Okay. Death by.

[Chris Distefano]

We'll try. We will try. Mike Jenkins, 8333. They are doing so well, it should be renamed one Greek, one gay for the rest of the summer or however long hiatus is. Filming two blockbuster movies. I cannot wait. Ymh. For life. All right, so that. So that was, like, one of those ones where it's like. Like, good, bad, good, bad. So I think this is actual genuine fan filming two blockbuster movies. I cannot appreciate it.

[Stavros Halkias]

I was expecting people to be calling me fat, saying shut up stuff.

[Chris Distefano]

No, I don't think. I don't think.

[Stavros Halkias]

Chris, you're straight, right?

[Chris Distefano]

Right. Two Bears. Two Bears fans. But see, the thing is with this, I don't know if filming two blockbuster movies. I cannot wait. I don't know if they're being sarcastic or that's genuine.

[Stavros Halkias]

Do they think we're gonna do movies?

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, because I'm not. I got very close to be playing Anne Hathaway's love interest in the Devil Wears Prada, too. I swear to God, dude. And then it was just revealed that I can'. Yeah. Wow, dude. Literally, like, so close from my agent was telling me, like, my agent was like, you're close?

[Stavros Halkias]

And then. And then it was, you know, who got the part.

[Chris Distefano]

I don't.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's gonna devastate you when you find out.

[Chris Distefano]

I know.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's gonna be like Cillian Murphy.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, my damn. But they said they go. They go, you know, if. Not that I'm a horrific actor. But they were like, to be the love interest, like we were.

[Stavros Halkias]

You think you need a little more range.

[Chris Distefano]

But the part was for a.

[Stavros Halkias]

They're like, hey, Chris, you keep pulling your eyes back and making. We wouldn't even say the noises, but they end with ing and O n G. We don't like that.

[Chris Distefano]

Well, the problem is with that is, like, you know, we just wanted you to, like, you know, if you could have, like, acted in the role a little bit better. I'm like, the role. Literally. Her love interest is a construction worker from Queens. So I'm like, I was just being me.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Like, talking like me. But it was one of those ones where, like, the eight. My agent, like, let me down. It was like, they said you were great. Where it's probably like, immediately they were.

[Stavros Halkias]

Like, no, you didn't get close. In fact, there was no audition. Your agent gave you a fake self tape to boost your confidence.

[Chris Distefano]

Well, here's why. Here's why I don't believe my age. Here's why. I don't think. Here's why. I'm in full agreement with you. And I don't think I got close. Yeah. Because after I, you know, it was on Zoom, obviously, the nobody does casting in person anymore.

[Stavros Halkias]

And they.

[Chris Distefano]

And they. And they. The. After the first take, she goes, that was great. I have no notes. So. And then she's like, let's just do one more. Just for. Just for fun, let's do one more. And then I did the second one. She was like, crip, great. And then it was. The audition was over in, like, 90 sec or like two minutes. And it was one of those things where I said. I said to Jazz because I was still being very positive. And that's why I love Jasmine, because she's very much just, like, tells me the truth whether it hurts or not. I go, I just did two. Like, they said they had no notes, and she was. And she literally put her hand on my shoulder. She was like, I really. I have faith that it's really good news. She's like, but, honey, I want you to be prepared that that could be really bad because they may have just noticed immediately that you're not right for the part. And then I kind of, like, immediately, like, I initially got, like, angry with her, and then she just kept her hand on my shoulder. She's like, honey, I love you. We're all proud of you no matter what, but I don't want you to sit here and mope around if you don't get it. I want you to set realistic expectations. And then she gave me a kiss on my forehead and then went back to cleaning the house.

[Stavros Halkias]

Wow.

[Chris Distefano]

And she couldn't have been more right.

[Stavros Halkias]

She's a good woman. Who's correct?

[Chris Distefano]

She was correct. Because she was like, you know, no notes. No, no.

[Stavros Halkias]

No disrespect.

[Chris Distefano]

Fact.

[Stavros Halkias]

There's probably a couple notes.

[Chris Distefano]

I literally was asking ChatGPT. I was like, what does that mean? And then ChatGPT's response was. It went, that's a tough one. Yeah, yeah. Because it didn't know. And it was an immediate no.

[Stavros Halkias]

ChatGPT is like, don't worry. You will not have to cancel any road dates.

[Chris Distefano]

That's like when I didn't get the. That's like when I auditioned for Bradley Cooper's movie that he's doing about comedy.

[Stavros Halkias]

And I just, for that too, also didn't get it.

[Chris Distefano]

Well, yeah. My agent calls me and says, bradley saw it, said, you're just too well known for the part. I was like, that's a lie. Yeah, that's a hundred percent lie. So I, again, not a good. Not a good enough actor.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's all right.

[Chris Distefano]

But it actually comforts me that you didn't get it.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, there you go.

[Chris Distefano]

But you act. But the difference is you actually get roles. You're great in tires, you're in movies. I've gotten nothing. I've gotten one thing called benders in IFC with me and Andrew Schultz, and it was in 2015. It lasted half a season, got canceled.

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay. And then.

[Chris Distefano]

And then the only other role I've played was in, like, administration. Yeah. A made for T. A made for TV movie where I'm on the tit of my character was Staten Island Douchebag, where I throw the guy who played the hobbit, Martin.

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay.

[Chris Distefano]

Freeman.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yes.

[Chris Distefano]

I throw him off the bqe.

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay.

[Chris Distefano]

They had to keep asking me to do. We were there. What was supposed to take an hour took close to six hours because they asked me to improv some lines as I'm throwing them off. And one of the lines I improv, I threw off. I was like, you hobbit. And they were like, you can't call him the character from his old movie wearing a.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's not a different universe where he's not the guy.

[Chris Distefano]

That's not. It's nothing to do with the Hobbit. And yeah, I. I threw him. I was. And one of them. I was like, go back to Narnia. You like movie.

[Stavros Halkias]

Right, Right, right, right, right. Like, at Least technically, it's not the movie he was in, but it's still kind of making a reference to it.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. You can't do it. So. So. But that. Yeah, so that. I don't know why I brought that up, but. Oh, blockbuster movies.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. There you go.

[Chris Distefano]

Too Bear. I'm not Devil Wears Prada, too.

[Stavros Halkias]

Right.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. I hope it goes to Bo and Yang just like. So I'm just like a G. Yeah. All right. This is from Megan Ferguson, 4122. She said great substitute teachers. Why not try to come up with a different theme song for Tom and Bert by the end of the summer? Or one starring you two?

[Stavros Halkias]

Well, we did.

[Chris Distefano]

Right, John? Got a theme song? We got a theme song.

[Stavros Halkias]

Do we have.

[Chris Distefano]

Let's. Let's listen to it.

[Stavros Halkias]

Let's see what we got here.

[Chris Distefano]

This is from. You know, it's better not Sound like Beautiful Things by Benson Boone. Chris and Starview Star and Chris neither grows a beard and they both. Both wear shirts.

[Stavros Halkias]

And Chris is gay. Everyone knows the show is better this way.

[Chris Distefano]

Here's what we call two Bears.

[Stavros Halkias]

One K. It's fun.

[Chris Distefano]

I like the banjo. It's making me think like we were just. You know, the opening of the show should be that song and then you just plowing me like we're in Deliverance.

[Stavros Halkias]

I know. They did. Did highlight my lack of a beard here.

[Chris Distefano]

Okay.

[Stavros Halkias]

You got something going.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

I can't. I have medically rosy cheeks. I don't know what happened.

[Chris Distefano]

I. Well, you. Can we. Is that. Do you shave your legs?

[Stavros Halkias]

I don't shave my legs.

[Chris Distefano]

See, look. We're similar that way. I don't have. Oh, look at my compression socks. I don't have any hair in my legs either. So that's interesting.

[Stavros Halkias]

Not of like shaving, but I don't know what happened.

[Chris Distefano]

I don't have any hair in my legs or arms.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm not very hirsute.

[Chris Distefano]

No.

[Stavros Halkias]

And for a Greek. I mean, my brother. One of my brothers is like jacked.

[Chris Distefano]

Right.

[Stavros Halkias]

Well, he. No, he's. Yeah. He's strong as. But one. But I'm. He's hair. He's pretty hairless. And the other one. My boy is carpeted up.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

My dad too. Thick layer.

[Chris Distefano]

So you got in between. You got kind of the best of both worlds a little in between.

[Stavros Halkias]

You got a little.

[Chris Distefano]

Because you don't want to be a sphinx cat, but you also want to look like you have a hair condition.

[Stavros Halkias]

Like a little more hair. To be honest, I think you got.

[Chris Distefano]

Good hair with the. You Know what you. You know what you frame nice. The chain and the hair is nice.

[Stavros Halkias]

Thank you.

[Chris Distefano]

You got a good length chain because any longer would look weird, but that. You got a good length.

[Stavros Halkias]

Thank you, brother. I appreciate that.

[Chris Distefano]

Looks like a Baltimore special. Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, this is the one. I do. I do like a little. Fuck my Diet Coke.

[Chris Distefano]

You're right.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm gonna need you to burp me.

[Chris Distefano]

God, I can do it.

[Stavros Halkias]

God damn it, dude. I suck that Coke down too fast.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, there you go.

[Stavros Halkias]

I feel like a little baby. That felt good, dude.

[Chris Distefano]

Love it.

[Stavros Halkias]

I would like to get burped by a. By a large woman. Yeah, sometimes. And I don't have. I don't. I don't have, like, a baby fetish, but the idea of, like, a large woman burping you and then like, maybe even washing you sounds pretty nice to me.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, I like that. You know, I like, I thought. I mean, I don't have any, like, weird fetishes, like foot fetishes or anything. Like, I mean, other than obviously on last episode, I said I would predominantly like to have sex in my mother's room.

[Stavros Halkias]

Right, right, right.

[Chris Distefano]

But I. Other than that, I don't even like when I'm. When watching porn. I don't even like, like when the woman's in, like, lace bras and stuff. Like, I just want you butt n.

[Stavros Halkias]

Of agree with that.

[Chris Distefano]

Right. Like, I don't like when you're in an outfit.

[Stavros Halkias]

In other words, I like if you're dressed. I like. I think traditional lingerie is a very. If you be in a very specific mood. Almost feels old fashioned.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes.

[Stavros Halkias]

But I like, I. I like. I will. I would like some athletic, some athleisure.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

You know what I mean? Like, I'll watch a. I'll watch porno set in a gym, for example.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, it is.

[Stavros Halkias]

We're trying to be healthier. The hardest thing is being a good citizen prison and not, like, getting hard when someone's got a highlighter pink sports bra on and big ass titties bobbling. Yeah, he's like. That was. I was in LA and there was literally like an Asian with an Asian lady with, like, humongous breasts and then like a goth Latina that was tatted up with a fat ass. And they were literally. I was doing like the lat pull down and they were on either side. There was like, you know, tables.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

And so I just have to be. Be like, don't look at her tits and look at her ass and look at her tits. You're a Good guy. You're not a predator, you're not a fight. You're not getting horny at the gym. But it was the hardest thing. And then, you know, you walk home and you're like, would have been awesome if those girls could have sucked me off at the same time.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

And I'm a human being. I'm flesh and blood.

[Chris Distefano]

You're right.

[Stavros Halkias]

Sue me for having those thoughts. I didn't bother them.

[Chris Distefano]

That's the thing.

[Stavros Halkias]

I just thought would have been cool to get double sucked by that.

[Chris Distefano]

But that's the thought. Because the thought, those thoughts used to paralyze me. Where I'd be like, shit, I got. I'm only gonna be alive once. I gotta go talk to that girl I got. I gotta say something to her. I gotta try to invite her to show, like, whatever. But now I just say to myself, oh, me wanting to have sex with the both of them, that's for me, not for them. They don't need to know about that. Sure, I know about that.

[Stavros Halkias]

Little treat for me.

[Chris Distefano]

I know about that. And I'm gonna have sex with my loofah in the shower and I'm gonna think about them. And there's nothing they could do about that because I've mental snapshot image them. You've. You've decided, ma', am. To walk out in public. So now I can take snapshots of.

[Stavros Halkias]

You, work out like a yes. And now I deserve to jack off to you in the prep.

[Chris Distefano]

You want to have tattoos, have a fat ass, and be Latina. Those are three big check marks for me. So now you're in my brain forever and there's nothing you do about it. And you'll pop out periodically and I'm sorry.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

And that's just the social contract you make with the world when you step outside.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's a good point. Some might be jacking off to us, that's fine. It's all men for sure. But I appreciate that.

[Chris Distefano]

Well, I'll tell you what though, dude, because we think it's only men listening to podcasts. And I think that's still majority true. I got stopped on. I took. I was on the Long island railroad.

[Stavros Halkias]

Lir.

[Chris Distefano]

One of the stuff I'm telling you, like when, like one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen in my life. Like, like, I'm talking about from movie actresses to all the, like, I'm talking about gorgeous. She was like, I think Latina, like tan. But she had like that, like 1950s, like, hair, like, like flip. She had Like, a couple of tattoos here and there. I mean, she was, like, wearing, like, nothing, like, like she was going to work. So she had, like, on, like, these, like, pants that were kind of loose, but you could just see her ass was, like, perfect, like a, like a cut off, like, shirt. But, like, it was like, nice, like, and. And like, appropriate for work, like a summer work. And I mean, absolutely stunning where like every. Everybody on the, on the train was, like, kind of looking at her. And then to where we're getting off here, getting off at my stop, and she gets off and she goes, are you Chris? And I literally, like, you know, now you're just like, oh, my God, like, hold it together. Like, I literally. I literally was like, you have a family of a family. Like, you're just playing, like, all the.

[Stavros Halkias]

Like, all the scenario you're playing, winning. It's finally happening. It's finally happening.

[Chris Distefano]

Don't do this. Don't do it. I almost, like, close my eyes. I'm like, yes, I am Chris.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm Chris. I'm Chris. I'm Chris. Yeah, you become Rain Man. Yeah, I'm like, chris. Yes, I'm Chris.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes, I'm Chris. Yes, I'm Chris.

[Stavros Halkias]

Breathe. How can I help you? How can I help you? How can I help you?

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, I'm like, I'm like, before I answer that, I just need to do five box breaths. Hold on. Hold in for four. And release. And I go, yes, I am. She goes, I'm loving you. And Stavi on Two Bears, One Cave. Wow. And I said, you listen to that. And she goes, it's great. She was like, I love it. And then she said to me, she goes, me and my husband listen to it. And so I said, oh, okay. I was like, great. But it actually made me feel relief, right? Because I said, okay, you and your husband list great.

[Stavros Halkias]

And then she goes, you're out of the danger zone.

[Chris Distefano]

Out of danger zone. But then she.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm just thinking for me, because I was hoping maybe you're a married man now. You don't have to, you know, if she's listening, she's single. How much. How much are you loving it? Let's find out. Yeah, let's go get a souvlaki story and figure it out.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

But anyway, continue with your story.

[Chris Distefano]

So, yeah, you're like, okay, but can your husband show you the back roads of Baltimore?

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. Can he grill up a lamb chop and an octopus for you?

[Chris Distefano]

Is he gonna take you on the water in the inner harbor? I don't Think so?

[Stavros Halkias]

I don't think so. Is he bi. Coastal, AKA New York and Baltimore?

[Chris Distefano]

He doesn't have a fully refurbished row house. Does so. But then she says to me, and this is. This is what I want to bring up. She says, oh, me and my husband. Listen. I said, oh, great. And then she goes, I've seen you and your wife walking through the neighborhood. She's beautiful. And so that made me think your.

[Stavros Halkias]

Swingers antennas pop up, right?

[Chris Distefano]

And it's like, is that the wrong. Like, is that normal to think that? Am I crazy? Because I was like, you mentioned you have a husband, then you mentioned my wife and you.

[Stavros Halkias]

The commenting on. Okay, nothing is weird until. Until even you could argue that your wife's beautiful is not weird. But it's the crack of the door being open where it's like, does she want to swap with me? You know what I mean? Like, is she saying swingers here?

[Chris Distefano]

Like, is she saying that because she's so fully secure in her relationship, she knows, yes, I'm secure in mind. Or she's saying that because she's like, let me let him know that I know he has a wife and he knows I have a husband so that.

[Stavros Halkias]

If he wants that, she's like, if you're that hot, you're probably used to men embarrassing themselves trying to fuck you. She's like, I respect him as a podcaster for some reason. I guess she's a woman with bad taste.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

She likes this show, so something's wrong with her. But either way, she's like, I respect him. He's about to risk. He's about to try and fail to ruin his life by asking me out or whatever. So I'm gonna let him know I have a husband before he flounders. Maybe that's what she was doing, right? Or the. The. If you really want. Here's something. Here's something you should never act on, but something that will allow you to jack. Jack off to. Or she's like, she thinks I'm hot. She thinks my wife's hot. Maybe her husband's a cuck, right? Who likes his wife. Hot couples, right? Now you get to have a threesome, right? And this guy. Now look, is this guy jacking off on the corner shore?

[Chris Distefano]

Sure.

[Stavros Halkias]

Right.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

But there's a cost of doing business. You can't. You can't have it all.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

You want to this lady or you don't want to this lady? Yeah, that's what you can jack off to.

[Chris Distefano]

Exactly. That's.

[Stavros Halkias]

Or the worst part of that is like. Does she want to have a threesome with her husband?

[Chris Distefano]

Right.

[Stavros Halkias]

You don't want that.

[Chris Distefano]

You don't. No, I don't need that personally. That's.

[Stavros Halkias]

That seems like something guidos would do though. Is that like, that seems like a Ridgewood move is to have a two guys threesome, like with your boys.

[Chris Distefano]

Well, we've done that before. And then you do what you call the Statue of Liberty where she's the girl sucking your dick and your boy's banging from behind. You give him the high five.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Statue of Liberty at all. Yeah, Yeah, I don't want that.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's sort of my. Yeah, yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

I don't need. Yeah, I don't need to see your. Your HP flapping around.

[Stavros Halkias]

I don't need to accidentally, you know, when you're like, just on the train looking at your phone, that you look up and you just make eye contact with a guy you don't know at all.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

And you're gazing into each other's eyes.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

I don't need that happening while I'm inside of a woman.

[Chris Distefano]

Right.

[Stavros Halkias]

And he's inside of the same room. I don't want that sensation.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. And you know, I totally understand, but it is one of those things where, like, it immediately. You can help but, like, it just. I guess just because she was even like looking at me, it just makes you so horny. And I just wanted to say that publicly for the people who are wondering why. Why they. Some of the other fans of the show who did notice me, why now? You know, the reason I was masturbating outside the Chipotle at Penn Station.

[Stavros Halkias]

Why you kept slamming your dick in the fucking. In the automatic doors outside of Penn Station.

[Chris Distefano]

Hey, Bluechew told me to enter dick first. So that's what I was doing.

[Stavros Halkias]

But it's beautiful.

[Chris Distefano]

It is one of those things. But I will say what's. What's been nice.

[Stavros Halkias]

And I would like to say if there's any incredibly beautiful fans of this show, Meshistavi, me personally, I don't have a family to ruin. I don't have a wife. A woman I'm finally committing to after 10 plus years. I'm single. I'm ready to go. You know, I'm the only member of this universe of podcasts that does not have a wife.

[Chris Distefano]

Right. So that's it.

[Stavros Halkias]

You know, let me know.

[Chris Distefano]

And I'll have you know. And this is a message directly to my family. I'll have you know that even though I was in Montreal for the weekend where Massages with hand jobs are fully legal under Canadian law. I did not embark is that shit. So that's what I was told by a friend. I don't know.

[Stavros Halkias]

Cause I was just in Montreal. I would have loved to have that information.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. My friend, by the way. By the way, my friend who I was in Montreal with tells proceeds to tell me. And the guy who does, who comes with me, my tour manager, Steve Ceccone. Rice a Roni. Shout him out. He goes, we're having lunch right down in the old port of Montreal, which is gorgeous.

[Stavros Halkias]

Beautiful.

[Chris Distefano]

And then he goes, montreal's a great city. Great city. I mean, the women are almost too hard to take. Cause they're all like. They're all, like, gorgeous, like, tan skin, have those cool tattoos, and they all have French accents. So you're like, I can't even be. I thank God I was only there for one day.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

So. So.

[Stavros Halkias]

Wow. The foundation is really cracking on this marriage. The half hour in, you're like, thank the Lord I was only in Montreal for one day. Thank God the woman who talked to me for 15 seconds was married. You act like you've been in temptation for years. Like, you know, you faced this for years. You've. You've faced theoretical Canadian temptation.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes.

[Stavros Halkias]

You walked by women for one day, and one woman talks to you for 25 seconds, and that's what. You're sweating already.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, Yeah, I know. I just. Well, no, I can know now. Now that I'm. I just, you know, 40. I'm like, I am good. Like, I will not. I want, like, the love, like, the peace and joy that you wake up with when you're like. You can look yourself in your family mirror and be like, I am a good guy.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

You know that. That is, like, what I'm chasing.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

So. So. But anyway, he proceeds to tell us. He's like, oh, you know I have a wife and a girlfriend. Right? And we were like, what?

[Stavros Halkias]

Who's this, your tour manager? The guy, the friend.

[Chris Distefano]

I don't want to out him, but I'll tell you, you probably know him. But he goes. He goes, you know, I have a wife and a girlfriend.

[Stavros Halkias]

Let's look at Chris's Instagram, see who's with him in Montreal. It's probably pretty easy to discover.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, Just see. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I'm sure he probably lives in Howard beach area. And so he goes. He goes, I have a wife and a girlfriend. And I was like, interesting. And he was like, I'm on dating apps now here in Montreal. And I just met a girl last night. Is it okay if I bring her to the show? I'm like, so you want me to bring like one of your mistresses into my green room? Oh, in the green room, yeah. And he was like, yeah, is that cool? I was like, yeah, I don't care. So I get it. But then he says to us, and this is like, was blew our minds, where he goes, listen, dude. He was like, and my wife also is allowed to hook up with other dudes. He's like, cause honestly, once you get past the barrier, if it's like, oh, it's just some guy's dick and your wife's pussy, it's not that big a deal. It's just physical barrier. And I was like, isn't that the only barrier? Like that is the barrier. Like, I don't care. But then he said, but he goes, the only rules we have have is she can't give blowjobs, cuz that's more intimate.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's nuts.

[Chris Distefano]

And I was like, that's crazy.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's crazy. You can't open it up.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

My rule legit. This is how much of a caveman brain I have is like, no nutting in my wife. I'll be like, that's for me.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

You can't nut my wife.

[Chris Distefano]

You can't do that.

[Stavros Halkias]

And look, would I be pumped about her sucking a guy's dick? No.

[Chris Distefano]

Right?

[Stavros Halkias]

But if you're getting. He's getting his dick sucked, I think.

[Chris Distefano]

Think so.

[Stavros Halkias]

You gotta let her suck this.

[Chris Distefano]

You gotta let her suck this.

[Stavros Halkias]

If she wants to.

[Chris Distefano]

If she wants.

[Stavros Halkias]

If she doesn't want, that's up to her. But.

[Chris Distefano]

Well, yeah, it's one of.

[Stavros Halkias]

So this is like. You're telling me this is a. They're polyamorous?

[Chris Distefano]

Essentially, that's what they are. Poly. I was looking for the word. I was like, polio.

[Stavros Halkias]

Wow. That can't. That's. That's finally made it to Brooklyn. To your part of Brooklyn. Yeah, it's been in the other part of Brooklyn.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Since 2000.

[Chris Distefano]

Giannis's part of Brooklyn. But not in my part. It just. It just made it out to Bay Ridge. It's just crossing the Verrazano Bridge.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's nice when Republicans. Republicans get liberal shit. Although I will say there's like polyamorous. Republicans have existed in Arizona for years. Like, you go to fucking. You go to like, you go to like outside of Phoenix, the suburbs, whatever. It's like leathery. It's like people that vote Republican and just like have potlucks where they all fuck each other's wives.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

And they have, like leathery skin and like pierced nipples and shit like that. Some are listening now, but sure. So that's interesting. So he's now, to me, the pro. The thing with that is, isn't the whole point of being married you don't have to be on dating apps anymore?

[Chris Distefano]

That's what I was trying to say.

[Stavros Halkias]

Cause it's exhausting. It's like all the fucking. Like, I did hook up with a girl who was on. Who was on.

[Chris Distefano]

Is it field or something like that. Field.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's a freaky one. Field's the one that's for. It's pretty fuck forward.

[Chris Distefano]

Right.

[Stavros Halkias]

But, you know, I was. I hooked up with a girl who was engaged in an open engagement, I guess, and it didn't last, I don't think. Think and. But it's like, yeah, she's on. She's like on vacation, just swiping Tinder non stop. And it's like this, like. I hate that part of being single, dude.

[Chris Distefano]

I was trying to tell him. I was like that. I am also acknowledging that the women here in Montreal are stunningly gorgeous, but because I have like a wife and a family, it's great for me to just look at them.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

And, you know, I'm a man about. I'm allowed to say, hey, that woman's beautiful, but then not have the pressure of being like, do you want to come to my show or do you want to hang out? Like, I'm not doing any of that.

[Stavros Halkias]

Of course.

[Chris Distefano]

So it's like, I'm going to. I can look at her and then put her in the spank pack and she's just for me.

[Stavros Halkias]

And then you go to a legal massage party.

[Chris Distefano]

Why didn't you do that?

[Stavros Halkias]

Well, that's right. I think that you went to a.

[Chris Distefano]

Tim Hortons and jerked off.

[Stavros Halkias]

You nutted at a fucking. At an A and W burger. Yeah, they. I will. Japan, culturally, they're. They don't consider prostitution cheating. And I kind of know what they're talking about, so I should float out.

[Chris Distefano]

Hey, do you want to have a Japanese marriage?

[Stavros Halkias]

Like, baby, I got you a zojirushi rice cooker and a Toshiba. Yeah. We're having dinner on the floor. And this also comes with certain other things.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Bring in the toro. Bringing the toro. Sushi. Yeah. Anyway, I'm gonna.

[Chris Distefano]

I just. Is that a fact?

[Stavros Halkias]

I've seen. I've seen like, man on the street interviews where people do that in In Tokyo. And I think it's generally, they're like, you know, it's like, oh, look. They look at it as like, if it's a pro, if this is a professional, it's not really cheating, which I don't necessarily agree with, but I see the logic where you're like, look, this woman doesn't love. There's no feelings here. It's a pure, pure sexual act. I kind of. I kind of see the argument, even though I wouldn't agree with it necessarily.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Like, I have.

[Stavros Halkias]

I know plenty of people who just buy pussy and they pretend the woman love. You know what I mean? Like, it is cheating, and it's like compulsive, weird behavior.

[Chris Distefano]

Right. I know one couple, they've been married like 25 years.

[Stavros Halkias]

Listen, no shout out to sex workers, you want to sell a little pussy, good for you. And listen, I'll buy it. I'm just saying, if I was married, I would not be buying pussy.

[Chris Distefano]

Well, it depends too. I agree. I agree on that. But I do have one case study of a couple that's been married 25 years. Friends of the family, every five years, they allow the other one to get a prostitute.

[Stavros Halkias]

Whoa.

[Chris Distefano]

So every five years, the guy can get one and the girl can get one. And the reason why it's a prostitute is because they don't want it to be any type of thing that could potentially lead to, like, a real lie. Exactly.

[Stavros Halkias]

See, exactly. That's Japanese with that.

[Chris Distefano]

So they feel like. And both of them are very open about this. Like, we have light at the end of the tunnel and it makes our sex life better.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

But every five years, that's what we do.

[Stavros Halkias]

I respect that.

[Chris Distefano]

And it's fine.

[Stavros Halkias]

I have a friend who he, you know, they're in an open situation and they got a pro. They got prostitutes together. They had like a fucking awesome threesome or foursome. Sounds pretty cool. That's the dream.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

To have a wife that. That cool.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Like, yeah, let's suck together. Yes. That's what. Lord, I see what you've done for others.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes.

[Stavros Halkias]

May you do it to me as well.

[Chris Distefano]

Bring it to me. Yeah. I mean, you know, I feel like, you know, look, prostitution's been around a very oldest profession, so, I mean, it's gotta work. I mean, it's gotta. It's gotta be good for humanity, I think. I think puritanical American society with that shit. Bring back the toots.

[Stavros Halkias]

I. I agree. I agree.

[Chris Distefano]

What is this tri. Were you saying Trisha Paytas has this baby theory?

[Stavros Halkias]

Who cares?

[Chris Distefano]

You don't want to talk about it?

[Stavros Halkias]

I mean it's just apparently she. Every time she has a child, a celebrity dies and they're saying that her child who I believe is named Aquaman. That's good. And there was a period in my life where every woman I had sex with loved watching Trisha Paytas on YouTube.

[Chris Distefano]

Right.

[Stavros Halkias]

That was about, I would say four years ago.

[Chris Distefano]

Right?

[Stavros Halkias]

Four or five years ago. That was happening a lot to me.

[Chris Distefano]

I loved her.

[Stavros Halkias]

So this is what this, this is my knowledge. You know they'll still post about like.

[Chris Distefano]

Cuz it 4 or 5 years ago when I was single, every woman that I had sex with love watching Ben Shapiro.

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay, Chris, let's your penis. I am going to second right now and I need you, I need you to last longer than 30 seconds. And by the way, we should exterminate children in Palestine moving forward. Let me see your. Let me see your. I am going to eat your ass and you will be lost. Hands free. Yeah, I don't know much about it other than she says reincarnated.

[Chris Distefano]

If when you die they get reincarnated.

[Stavros Halkias]

Osborne is now her newest son.

[Chris Distefano]

That's what she thinks.

[Stavros Halkias]

I believe. I think that's what the Internet thinks. Okay, and then who are the other ones? Because this happened a couple times, didn't it? Yeah, let's.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, let's. Yeah. So baby theory connection explained. What does she say?

[Stavros Halkias]

Remember we said you would hear hear current events from a month ago. This is that this is going.

[Chris Distefano]

And by the way, we're doing this as our big lead up to the.

[Stavros Halkias]

Massage and we're gonna have Bert's video. We promised them a video of Bert.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh yeah, yeah. Right. So we'll do that after this. What is she saying? Trisha Paytas announced. Okay.

[Stavros Halkias]

The birth of Paytas. So Okay. It originated in September 22nd when Queen Elizabeth died. September 22nd. And I think that's when her daughter. Daughter Malibu Barbie Paidis great Hackman was born. So we think that her, the Queen of England is Malibu Barbie Paytas Hackman.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

And that she has two other kids now. And who are those? They are Ozzy. Ozzy is Aquaman Paytas Hackman. Right.

[Chris Distefano]

And we, we're laughing at her.

[Stavros Halkias]

Moses paid as Hackman.

[Chris Distefano]

I love that we're like laughing at her. But then like literally all this baby tries to do is enslave Indian people. Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

It takes her to the cab and gets viscerally upset.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's like why are you paying him, mommy? He's our servant.

[Chris Distefano]

She Just keeps trying to get indentured.

[Stavros Halkias]

Servitude from her baby. Is trying to hide the fact that the baby's child is a prince. And then Elvis. Elvis.

[Chris Distefano]

Her.

[Stavros Halkias]

Her second child. Elvis. Paytas Hackman. Oh, there were false rumors that Pope Francis died. So we don't actually have. Oh well, this theory completely has fallen apart.

[Chris Distefano]

It's done.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, the Queen and Ozzie. That's okay. But we really needed the Pope to die for Elvis.

[Chris Distefano]

Damn.

[Stavros Halkias]

Elvis Paytas Hackman. Great name by the way. Elvis.

[Chris Distefano]

I do like that name.

[Stavros Halkias]

Aquaman Elvis and Malibu Barbie. I actually think Malibu Barbie's a great name.

[Chris Distefano]

Great name. I, yeah, I think breaking with the tradition is great. Like when I was in high school there were these two really good basketball players. They were brothers and names were scientific and majestic. Map.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's incredible.

[Chris Distefano]

That was there.

[Stavros Halkias]

And they were scientific. Map.

[Chris Distefano]

Scientific map. M A P P. So they spelled map wrong.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, that's awesome. Scientific and majestic. Yeah, awesome names. I think I would if I were to have kids, you know. Still don't. Whatever. I don't know. Maybe I'll be a family man, you know. Maybe. I see. I'm gonna watch and see what happens with you. Mellow out. Does it actually help you or an 8 year old? Are you, are you crashing on my couch? Because you've been taken to the cleaners by Jasmine and your children won't speak to you anymore.

[Chris Distefano]

Well, that, no, that I'll always maintain the relationship with the kids, definitely. But that, that, that might be inevitable. No, actually Jaz and I are in a great place so we'll see if he.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's what I'm saying. I'm waiting and seeing.

[Chris Distefano]

I feel like it can.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm rooting for you.

[Chris Distefano]

I'm just saying what I will say about kids though. If you kind of what you have to do with children. I've realized this, you know, after being a father for a few years now. You, you like. It's like when you're going to like Disneyland. Like you have to understand there's going to be long lines, you're going to wait in the line. There's going to be stress that comes into this. But just kind of if you laugh at all and have fun with it all, you're all good. It's like to be expected with kids. It's like they're not going to listen to you. You're not in charge. They're going to yell back, they're going to talk back. But if you look at like that there's all Beauty in that. Like, you literally. I know it sounds corny, but, like, you almost get, like, saved by them. Like, you realize, like, oh, my career actually doesn't matter. The call, the phone call or email back about Wears pro. That doesn't matter. It's like, look at your kid on the swing, you know, yelling at you, saying she wants ice cream, crying like, this is all.

[Stavros Halkias]

Be like this and don't give it to her. And that's like, that's for not listening to me.

[Chris Distefano]

Exactly.

[Stavros Halkias]

When I told you yesterday it was time to go to school and you said no, that's why you don't get chocolate chips.

[Chris Distefano]

I bet you think I'm a bad actor too. Just like Anne Hathaway. I'm good. I'm a good actor. Look, I was on benders on IFC in 2015.

[Stavros Halkias]

Anyway, I would name my. I would go some kind of very traditional Greek name, like Pericles.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, wow.

[Stavros Halkias]

Odysseus.

[Chris Distefano]

I thought like Helen, but you're saying.

[Stavros Halkias]

Old school girl names. There's a lot. There's a lot of great girl name. Girl Greek names. Yeah, Eleni, Helen, whatever.

[Chris Distefano]

Like, you know, Pericles is nice because.

[Stavros Halkias]

Because they all the old ones shorten into cool.

[Chris Distefano]

Right?

[Stavros Halkias]

Pericles, you know Pelly, you know Perry. Aristoteli, Aristotle.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, Telly.

[Stavros Halkias]

Telly Savalas. His name was Aristotle.

[Chris Distefano]

Aristotle. That's nice.

[Stavros Halkias]

Odysseus.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

My cousin's name, Lonida.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, wow.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. So, yeah, so you call him Leo. You call great Odysseus, call him Odie, like Garfield's great dog. So I got, I'm gonna go very.

[Chris Distefano]

Classic, like in Greek, mythical, actually Christian.

[Stavros Halkias]

Stavros means cross. So I'm actually. My name comes from Christian Christianity, which is interesting because I am a heathen and I don't really believe in Christ, Right. But my name is fucking sick. And so shout out to him. Shout out, you know?

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

And you know, maybe he was a real guy who knows, getting his dick sucked by Mary Magdalene. I think that's cool. I think he was a fan of sex workers. Jesus was 100%.

[Chris Distefano]

That's what they say.

[Stavros Halkias]

And there's probably some apocryphal texts where he's getting some pussy too, somewhere. What was he up to? Don't. The scriptures, they lose him from the age of like 16 to 33, right?

[Chris Distefano]

They lose him at. Yeah, how convenient.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Just getting head in every temple in Jerusalem.

[Stavros Halkias]

So anyway, look, we have, We, We. We do have some. We want to see what bird is saying too. We want to check in with our.

[Chris Distefano]

We know that's what the fans want.

[Stavros Halkias]

We know that's what the fans want. So we wanted to check in. See, you know, last time he did give us some great talking points. Like talk about Indians.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes. Yes.

[Stavros Halkias]

Let's see what race he wants us. Let's see what. What, you know.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

What type of person you would like.

[Chris Distefano]

You've asked us to be more racist.

[Stavros Halkias]

In the comments, so we're hoping for us. So let's. Let's check in with. With our. With our.

[Chris Distefano]

With our Kreischer.

[Stavros Halkias]

Video this week.

[Chris Distefano]

What's up, gentlemen? Okay, so I got into a texting.

[Stavros Halkias]

Argument with RP the other day on.

[Chris Distefano]

Who was going to live the longest.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh.

[Chris Distefano]

And we said we're basically a coin flip that Tom would die before us and that Joe Rogan was going to have to attend all of our funerals.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. And we almost felt bad for Joe. Here's the deal. He'll be fine. I want to give you a list of comics.

[Chris Distefano]

I want you to tell me who's going to die first, who's going to live the longest. I want you to predict how everyone's going to die. Also, this is Mark Norman, Joe List, Lewis J. Gomez, Big J Okerson, Ari Sphere, Andrew Santino, Bobby Lee, Giannis, Shane Gillis, Matt McCusker, Tom Skura, Joe Rogan, Joe DeRosa, Sam Morrell, dancer Bobby Kelly, and Nate, Barbara Gotzi. Who's gonna live the longest and how are they gonna die?

[Stavros Halkias]

I love you guys.

[Chris Distefano]

Have a great day.

[Stavros Halkias]

Thank you.

[Chris Distefano]

Thank you. Thank you. Permission to party. World tour starts September 18th in Rockford, Illinois. Red Rocks, October 1st. Boom.

[Stavros Halkias]

We should plug our dates, by the way. We haven't done that.

[Chris Distefano]

I know we haven't done that. We'll do that.

[Stavros Halkias]

Can we throw some at the beginning of the episode? Actually, that'd be nice.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Definitely. Do some dates. Well, I could just tell that's too many.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's too many guys, by the way.

[Chris Distefano]

Way. Yeah, yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

I mean, he was talking for 45 seconds.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

I would say there's no text. He didn't text those numbers. He was just. And you could tell he was just going off stream of consciousness.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I could tell by the way, also by how dry Bert's lips are, that he's close.

[Stavros Halkias]

I mean, he does look bad.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. I mean, when. It's never good. When your lips are the same shade as your beard. Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

I mean, were you filming a. Is this part of the sitcom where it starts like Law and Order? Are you. The dead body that the episode starts on. Because that's kind of how his lips and face look like right now.

[Chris Distefano]

Just like this is almost like a video that, like, is starting at his funeral. I would say, though, if he was gonna. Who's gonna live the longest, I would have to think is Joe Rogan. Just because he has the most knowledge of longevity and the most longevity physicians around him, maybe to help him live the longest.

[Stavros Halkias]

But there's also the coin flip that, like, Joe gets into something cutting edge too fast.

[Chris Distefano]

Right.

[Stavros Halkias]

You know what I mean? Like, that he just injects, like, the wrong type of platelet where he puts, like, elk DNA into his heart, and it turns out, like, they were clo. That was almost going to make you immortal. But this, the beta version, makes your heart explode. So I would say there's just like a small version that, like, who know, you know, he's geared up. We know that. We know Joe's on the. On juice. Right?

[Chris Distefano]

Good for you.

[Stavros Halkias]

Your heart and I think probably, but he just has. He. He has, you know, he's gonna live a long time, but he has that. There's that dark horse that. One of the ways, one of his longevity hacks, like, what if cold plunging actually is the worst thing in the world?

[Chris Distefano]

Right?

[Stavros Halkias]

You know what I mean?

[Chris Distefano]

Like, yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

What if one of the, like, 15 crazy things he does.

[Chris Distefano]

Right.

[Stavros Halkias]

Actually kills.

[Chris Distefano]

Kills you?

[Stavros Halkias]

You never know. Or what if, like, he gets into, like, you know, Elon convinced him to get into, like, a spaceship that's not ready and it explodes? You know what I mean?

[Chris Distefano]

Like, what if he's just, like, one day doing like, some type of w. Pressing an on it. Kettlebell just crushes his head.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, yeah. What if it's not his fault? What if one of the kettlebells, like, it's f it f it's faulty. He's lifting a world record amount. The handle snaps right on his.

[Chris Distefano]

That's a good point.

[Stavros Halkias]

You know what I mean?

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

So that'll never happen to me.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

I will never go because of, you know, kettlebell.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

I will never be crushed by a kettlebell.

[Chris Distefano]

That's true. Okay, so that. That's. That's interesting for that, Joe List could live a lot. He's been living this long with herpes. That's true.

[Stavros Halkias]

He's mastered herpes.

[Chris Distefano]

Mastered her. He's had children with her.

[Stavros Halkias]

He does eat like a child, though. He has a preschool. Like, he has chicken parm and chicken fingers.

[Chris Distefano]

Right.

[Stavros Halkias]

For every meal.

[Chris Distefano]

Right.

[Stavros Halkias]

But he's just felt man.

[Chris Distefano]

But he's felt he's skinny. He does ufc. He's.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm going pretty fat. Like, here's the thing. I know I'm gonna have the best funeral, right? Because like.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, my. Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Everyone's gonna be so sad.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's gonna be too fast.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

You know what I mean? Even for being fat, it's gonna be like, ah, geez.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

We thought he had a couple more years. Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

You're the only ones that funeral. You're gonna have like, nachos and cheese.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely.

[Chris Distefano]

Like fun doofel be catered by Buffalo Wild Wings, which is great. You'll have a Buffalo Wild Wings casket, you know, and then Sam probably will.

[Stavros Halkias]

Go in the inevitable. He'll never leave the island of Manhattan. So whenever the terrorist attack, the next nine, 11 happens, he's going there.

[Chris Distefano]

I was gonna say, I think Sam. Sam and I are both doing gigs in Saudi Arabia, so that. So Sam's days are numbered. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

The Saudi Arabia Comedy Festival. Which is just a way to get a lot of Jewish entertainers into this. Into their hands. And then beheaded.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes.

[Stavros Halkias]

So Sam's going in about eight months whenever that festival is.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. So Sam. So I'll be there and I will join in with the Saudi people if it means I get out of there alive.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. You. You convert to Islam.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. So Sam. Okay. Mark Normand is very, very, very healthy.

[Stavros Halkias]

Mark is actually the sneaky pick to live a long time.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Because he also doesn't feel like he takes on a lot of stress. He's shredded. He's.

[Stavros Halkias]

You know, he performs being stressed. Like, he's always like, ah. But I don't think he cares about anything.

[Chris Distefano]

It's not real. Nate, you would think clearly has the most money in the biggest career, but could go the quickest because he's the guy who will get in a helicopter in the fog.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. He's gonna get bobbied. Yeah, yeah. Or one of the roller coaster he's planning. You know, it's. He hires some toothless hillbilly to put together his fucking. He's pinching pennies. He's doing great. But an amusement park costs a lot of money.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

So he hires a coup. Barney's the caught a couple. That's a couple corners. And then the. You know, the. Nate Express.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes.

[Stavros Halkias]

Or whatever. You know, the. Like one of his. The. The roller coasters just.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Just crashes.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. You know, something like that. That could be. I could see that going.

[Chris Distefano]

That's a good point. Louis Gomez, you can't believe is still alive.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. I mean, you know, like, Lewis is the one who actually will live the longer. Yeah. Because he's. He will survive. He's a survivor.

[Chris Distefano]

Here's a survivor. Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Like being stabbed. You know those.

[Chris Distefano]

Father was.

[Stavros Halkias]

Father was stabbed.

[Chris Distefano]

So Louis is like, look, they're not gonna get me. Yeah. Lewis. Lewis is just the kind of guy like Lewis has been doing ketamine at people's weddings for 20 years.

[Stavros Halkias]

Will be here for. He's the one who outlives everybody.

[Chris Distefano]

So Louis. So Louis, you're like, if he hasn't died yet, he's not gonna die. Sodor is all like, you know, fully sober, getting married, like, healthy now. He's from Colorado. So those guys just like, figure it out. Like, they figure out something. Smoke weed, they chill y. So I. I gotta say, out of that whole list, I mean, it's. It's. I mean, other than Bert, who is actually now purple.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. I mean, we will actually. We'll probably. The seventh episode will be us and Tom.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes.

[Stavros Halkias]

From now on, it'll be. One of us will be going back and forth with Tom because Bert's not. They will have to finish this. The sitcom he's.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

He's shooting with AI.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Bert's gonna be.

[Stavros Halkias]

He's not gonna make the. The way they did Olivia Soprano after she had died. Did you have like Burt's. Bert's face over some other fat shirtless guy doing his lines.

[Chris Distefano]

Bert's going to be the only guy to put his stand. Updates on his casket. Just. Still. Just Red Rock, September 12th.

[Stavros Halkias]

His funerals. They'll hold his funeral at Red Rocks.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, but so. Yeah, so I would. I would say that and that. And by the way, I appreciate.

[Stavros Halkias]

You can't say Bert Wood have an incredible funeral.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh my God.

[Stavros Halkias]

You know, he. You. In fact, what's going to happen is Bert fakes his death. He's going to Tom Sawyer himself so he can watch us, like, cry and give speeches. And then he's going to be like, I'm actually alive. And we'll be like, well, you're not getting a good funeral now. You know, I mean, now you've pissed us off. Yeah, Yeah, I could see that happening. I could see that happening. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Bert and you know, and.

[Stavros Halkias]

But you know what happens, actually, we never find out. He's so happy seeing how much his friends love him and what a good time it is. He has a heart. His heart just gives out then and there and he's like, I can go and that's how he dies after faking his own death. Interesting watching us have a funeral at Red Rocks for, like, a slip and slide and a fucking. It'll be like the Fully loaded tour with, like, a fucking sun.

[Chris Distefano]

What would be interesting to me, what I'm really interested in seeing is, you know, when and if Bert dies, how quickly Leanne moves on. I like to see how quickly she's just like, I couldn't be happy. We are out of here, and she is just married to another man. Happy as happy to be doing a.

[Stavros Halkias]

Just a guy. Like, a guy who, like, reads. He hasn't had a drink in his life, has, like, a cardigan. Like, just layers.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Do you not see his stomach? But he's just like, you know.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, but, but, yeah, but, but Bert, I appreciate the video. There was a lot of people on that list. I, I. So we have to go through the ones that we could remember, and that's.

[Stavros Halkias]

We're not, you know, we. The other thing is we're running low on time. This is a phone in episode. We are not going a second over one hour.

[Chris Distefano]

No.

[Stavros Halkias]

And it is important that I do get my mist.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes. So I'm going to set up the table. Whereas in the business, we call it the plinth.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, set the plinth up for us.

[Chris Distefano]

Ben. Spoon's coming in here. This is all on the show. Sped it up. Get, get close up. Zoom in on his. On his tiny little butt. Oh. Bet you can't even open that.

[Stavros Halkias]

Come on, dude. You're blowing it, dude.

[Chris Distefano]

That's it. Gonna get on there now.

[Stavros Halkias]

Have we checked the weight limit?

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, because there. That isn't a genuine question. Okay, great. All right.

[Stavros Halkias]

Don't look at me. After he said that you were doing the. You look at me doing the math.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. All right.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, we should be good.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. The one thing I did forget is my tool as a physical therapist is called a goniometer, where you measure, like, different joint angles and stuff. And I did forget that.

[Stavros Halkias]

We'll do on the neck. On the left.

[Chris Distefano]

I'll bring in my goni.

[Stavros Halkias]

I need to know my, my different angles.

[Chris Distefano]

Okay, Here we go. All right. Here, I got you.

[Stavros Halkias]

Or we can do it. You know what? Save it for. We could do it for a step. Avi's World.

[Chris Distefano]

Okay.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'd love to have my goniometer.

[Chris Distefano]

There we go.

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay, Wonderful. I'm gonna take my shirt off and I'm gonna get massaged.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's why I have a little crick in my neck.

[Chris Distefano]

This part of the episode sponsored by BlueChew Want you guys getting soft out there and then getting rock hard with bluechew. Oh, all right, so there we go. That's it. All right, so what we have here? Are we good? So what we have here is we got six. Stavi. Okay, so you said you have some. What is it, sir? You have some neck. So. Right. Some neck pain. So what I'm going to do is what we call this is palpation. So I'm just going to palpate. And I got to be honest with you, I have to dig pretty deep to even find a bone. Okay, so right here. All right, here. So here. You know what? Here, let me put your glasses over here. By the way, I got to be honest, dude, Stavi, you do have, like, legitimate muscle under here.

[Stavros Halkias]

Thank you very much.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, yeah, Here we go. So stombs right there.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, beautiful. Thank you.

[Chris Distefano]

So, okay, so here's what we do. But you also have bruises on your back. What the hell's going on over here?

[Stavros Halkias]

I don't. I don't know, man.

[Chris Distefano]

Dude, my. I'm not sure. My lab partner when I was a physical therapist, he had what was called hyperhidrosis of the hands. So his hands were just soaking wet. Nervous they would get even wetter. So we'd be practicing massage on me, like with the teacher right there and just hand. Disgusting. But what I can definitely already.

[Stavros Halkias]

What are you telling.

[Chris Distefano]

Which by the way, by the way, I can already tell I haven't practiced physical therapy since 2013, but I can tell that you definitely do have, like, a lot of, like, tension and stuff up here. So what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna. Cuz everything's connected, right? So what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna massage. I'm gonna start.

[Stavros Halkias]

That feels nice, dude.

[Chris Distefano]

A little effleurage massage.

[Stavros Halkias]

Give me the effleurage, baby.

[Chris Distefano]

Just what you want. Want to do is because a lot of this stuff has got to do with blood flow. I also am doing this dry. I should have brought some type of massage cream. Does anyone have any lotion at all?

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, that feels good.

[Chris Distefano]

Because what it is, is a lot of times you have some lotion. Yeah, if not, I'll just use my hair gel. So what it is, is, like you manipulate the spine just a little bit here. Okay. Because I can feel you got some tense spots. And what happens is things get tight all the way up the chain. You got to look at your spine like a train track. And if there's one thing messed up, especially at the top. It's going to come all the way down. I assume you have some back pain, too.

[Stavros Halkias]

I do. I have some lower back pain.

[Chris Distefano]

Here we go. So now we got good sake hand cream. So here we go. Wonderful. And by the way. Dude, stop me. May have the best calves in this whole business.

[Stavros Halkias]

Thank you. Thank you. That means a lot. Oh, this is awesome.

[Chris Distefano]

You're feeling this, dude.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, this is it. Oh, so here.

[Chris Distefano]

So here's what, right?

[Stavros Halkias]

Yes, dude, that's awesome.

[Chris Distefano]

So here. So I'm gonna. What you got to do. And also, too, the key to a good massage is you just always keep your hands on the patient.

[Stavros Halkias]

I love that.

[Chris Distefano]

Never take your hands off. Don't text.

[Stavros Halkias]

Love that.

[Chris Distefano]

You know, you can't be checking DraftKings and trying to massage or whoever the sponsor is.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, dude, this is.

[Chris Distefano]

And I can feel because you got some tense musculature around your spine. Your spine is a little out of whack. Because I can feel your spine there. And I'm like, okay, I know why your neck hurts now.

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay.

[Chris Distefano]

Okay.

[Stavros Halkias]

So here we go. Yeah, there we go.

[Chris Distefano]

Hold on. Now this is what we used to call this, the locomotive, where you're just going up the tracks.

[Stavros Halkias]

Hell yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

The choo choo train.

[Stavros Halkias]

Hell yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Dude, feel that, right?

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. You feel it?

[Chris Distefano]

There it is. Let me lotion up. Hold on, hold on. You know what I'm gonna do, dude, just. Because I'm just gonna spray it down. Spray me down. I'm just gonna spray you down. I'm just gonna put the mayo on like you're a turkey club.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, that's awesome.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, here we go.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

All right, all right. Oh, yeah. So now here's what I want you to do is just. Just put your arms here if you can. There we go. Yeah. Sorry. I just have my balls in the cup of your hand, so here. So let me know if any pain at all. Just let me know. Any pain at all?

[Stavros Halkias]

No.

[Chris Distefano]

Nothing. Okay, try it the other way. Any pain at all?

[Stavros Halkias]

I am feeling your nuts even more. So.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, Yeah. I don't need a blue chew now. You feeling any pain?

[Stavros Halkias]

No.

[Chris Distefano]

Okay.

[Stavros Halkias]

All right.

[Chris Distefano]

So here we go.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, I'm literally gonna nut.

[Chris Distefano]

Dude, do it. That's why there's a hole at the bottom, too. These. These tables.

[Stavros Halkias]

Is this a milking table?

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, dude. And I could also do something, what's called an occipital release, which is you have the occipital bone right here in the back of your head. And so you Can. It really does literally feel like I'm massaging from this angle. It's like I'm massaging Ben Franklin, but. But I could do an occipital release, which would hurt your neck. But. No, don't do that for that one. I'm just. Because I can already see, dude. I can see how much blood flow. It's just like going to the neck. So here. Here we go. Hold on. Let me stretch out up here. Feel that? You all right?

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, dude.

[Chris Distefano]

Any pain, you let. You might feel some pain, but any type of, like, discomfort, shooting, tingling, you let me know right away.

[Stavros Halkias]

No shooting. No shooting except for me.

[Chris Distefano]

That's it.

[Stavros Halkias]

I might be shooting any moment now. Wow. Oh, here we go. Okay.

[Chris Distefano]

Okay, let me just do. Oh, yeah, one more of these, cuz. Let me just get up that spine. Okay. And then one more.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, okay.

[Chris Distefano]

And then. And then this is just for no reason whatsoever.

[Stavros Halkias]

That was two Bears. Thanks for watching, everybody.

[Chris Distefano]

There you go. That was two bears, one cave. Christy comedy.com for all my stand updates, come check me out. In August, we are in Oklahoma, in Pittsburgh, Toronto, Detroit, and then September 11, Theater at Madison Square Garden. That's the big one. And September 5th, Chicago Theater, ChrisDomedy.com hello, folks.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm gonna hit the road soon. I'm gonna be in London September 7, Dublin on September 12. Then we're coming to America. Back to I'm going to be in Memphis November 6th, Huntsville, Alabama, November 7th, Chattanooga, Knoxville, Asheville, Greenville, Queensborough, Wilmington, North Carolina, Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, Austin, Texas, 1122. And then Boston, Massachusetts on the 13th. And I think we're adding a show on the 12th as well. So, yeah, come check me out. Thanks for. Thanks for watching and listening. Bye. Bye.

[Chris Distefano]

Other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and burts the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call two bears, one cave.