2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Summary

Podcast Summary: 2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Release Date: March 24, 2025

Hosts: Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Produced by: YMH Studios

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Introduction

In this special SXSW episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave, comedian best friends Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer gather live at the YMH Studios' Bear Cave to engage in their signature blend of humor, personal stories, and candid conversations. Streaming live from Austin, Texas, the duo dives deep into various topics ranging from AI-generated content to personal reflections on career and legacy.

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AI and "Fat Cracker Season"

The episode kicks off with a humorous critique of AI-generated content, specifically a fictional song titled "Fat N Words Season." Bert expresses both amusement and frustration over the AI's unpredictable outputs.

• Bert Kreischer [01:07]: "Yo, shut the up. It's fat cracker season."

• Tom Segura [02:08]: "I love my fat."

They joke about the AI's ability to create engaging yet bizarre content, highlighting the surreal nature of modern technology.

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Personal Anecdotes and Relationships

Bert shares a personal story about a recent dinner with his mother, emphasizing the dynamics of family interactions and the value of letting others take the lead in conversations.

• Bert Kreischer [25:26]: "I went to dinner with my mom who tried two dinners... she just was talkative. Everything was about her."

Tom and Bert discuss the importance of different personalities in social settings, with Bert reflecting on his desire to return to a more carefree, college-like mindset.

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Career Reflections and Legacy

A significant portion of the conversation revolves around the contemplation of legacy and the transient nature of fame in the comedy world. Bert expresses existential thoughts about the impact of his work and fears of being forgotten posthumously.

• Bert Kreischer [17:14]: "I want none of it to matter to me. I don't want to try to make myself live, carry on a legacy or be important to the world."

Tom offers a contrasting perspective, highlighting how legacy often takes a backseat in everyday life unless actively pursued.

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Mental Health and Therapy

Bert opens up about his experiences with therapy, discussing the balance between personal happiness and professional pressures. He touches on the benefits of couples therapy and single therapy in maintaining his well-being.

• Bert Kreischer [19:22]: "I'm in doubles couples therapy and single therapy... and I couldn't stop worrying about it."

Tom empathizes, sharing his own minimal experiences with therapy and the stigma often associated with mental health discussions.

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Touring and Future Plans

The friends delve into their touring experiences, with Bert announcing his upcoming tour schedule and contemplating the future of his comedy career. Both comedians discuss the physical and mental demands of touring, the desire to reconnect with fans, and thoughts on possibly concluding their touring careers.

• Bert Kreischer [16:19]: "I'm so excited. I feel like I... realize why I like touring. It distracted me from everything."

• Tom Segura [59:12]: "I'm gonna have a good amount of time off."

Bert muses about retiring from touring, suggesting a desire to explore other creative avenues such as directing or filmmaking.

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Interactions with Celebrities

A memorable segment features Bert recounting his encounter with Mel Gibson on a flight. The story highlights the unpredictability of meeting celebrities and the humorous interactions that can ensue.

• Bert Kreischer [34:07]: "Mel Gibson's sitting next to me on the plane... I'm a Ride or Die Mel Gibson fan."

Tom joins in, sharing his own anecdote about a disastrous interview in Belfast, adding to the camaraderie and shared experiences of navigating fame.

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Comedy Specials and Creative Direction

Bert discusses his upcoming Netflix special, "Lucky," and contemplates making it his final special. He expresses feelings of burnout from the constant promotional cycle and the desire to potentially conclude his stand-up career on his own terms.

• Bert Kreischer [57:16]: "The next special will be my last one, I think."

Tom supports Bert’s introspection, emphasizing the importance of evolving creatively and finding fulfillment beyond the stage.

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Closing Remarks and Community Engagement

As the episode winds down, Bert and Tom reflect on the sense of community they've built with their listeners. Bert considers innovative ways to engage with fans post-tour, such as organizing 5Ks or smaller meet-ups, underscoring the value of direct interaction with their audience.

• Bert Kreischer [54:15]: "I miss hanging out with fans. I miss going to the bar with fans."

Tom echoes this sentiment, highlighting the unique bond formed through their podcast and live interactions.

---

Notable Quotes

• Bert Kreischer [19:22]: "I'm happier than I've ever been in my entire life."

• Tom Segura [57:14]: "We’re making a TV show just for our fans."

• Bert Kreischer [58:21]: "You walk away from the game when the game still wants you."

---

Conclusion

The 2 Bears Live From SXSW episode offers a raw and unfiltered glimpse into the lives of Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer. Their honest conversations about personal struggles, career aspirations, and the ever-evolving landscape of comedy provide listeners with both laughs and thoughtful reflections. As they navigate their journeys, the bond between the two comedians and their connection with the audience remains at the heart of their enduring friendship.

---

Speaker Attribution of Quotes:

• Tom Segura
• Bert Kreischer

All timestamps are in MM:SS format corresponding to the podcast transcript.

Transcript

[Bert Kreischer]

My new special Lucky is streaming right now on Netflix. Check it out. Hundred percent. Wait, wait. Oh, wait, hold on. Our words are being streamed to the people out there?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's a horrific idea.

[Tom Segura]

I thought so too.

[Bert Kreischer]

Whose idea was this? So they're just gonna be standing there and Tom and I are gonna be talking about fucking gay booty shorts and Adobe music. Oh, cool. So it sound like a really weird EDM song.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I almost. I almost wore my new underwear.

[Tom Segura]

Cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

Should we start up? Should we. If it's streaming live, should we start with these fat just launched their own crypto on Salon.

[Tom Segura]

That's an AI thing, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

I love it.

[Tom Segura]

I love my fat.

[Bert Kreischer]

Besides making money. These. Can I tell you? I, I this. I listen.

[Tom Segura]

This is crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

I listen to this all. I listen to it too much. Yo, shut the up. It's fat cracker season.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, okay, let's roll.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yo, shut the up. It's fat cracker season.

[Tom Segura]

There he is. Well, you were. But you were adamant on the last pod that you were like, fat N words. Fat n wor. That's my obsession. I love it. Playing Fat N Words. And I. And then you. You were. We were doing searches for it and we.

[Bert Kreischer]

No one could find it.

[Tom Segura]

No one could find it. It wasn't like a song that came up in the results of like Spotify or Apple or any of that.

[Bert Kreischer]

And by the way, they're big fans of mine. We found them. You found the people that be the run that count. They're big fans.

[Tom Segura]

AI.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's AI. And it is so engaging that I got to be honest with you. I wish it was a TV show. I would follow these guys that are going to Dubai to close a new oil deal for P. Diddy Baby oil. And yeah, dude, it just delivers. Can I tell you what? It just delivers? Every time I hear it, it makes me smile.

[Tom Segura]

So shut the up.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's fat season. It's fat season. These fat just launched their own crypto.

[Tom Segura]

On Salana Bridge that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Look at these fly ass fat.

[Tom Segura]

I love my fat.

[Bert Kreischer]

Besides making money. These love eating.

[Tom Segura]

You know the thing is the problem with that.

[Bert Kreischer]

What?

[Tom Segura]

It's so catchy that it makes you think it's okay to say it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, so it's like one of those songs where you're like, everyone's having a good time. Like, why can't I have a good time with them?

[Bert Kreischer]

I was in my hotel room today.

[Tom Segura]

And you're just singing it to yourself.

[Bert Kreischer]

Should I?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Should I? Because there's But I'm always afraid I'm going to get recorded doing the worst is. So Shaq called me up the other day. He's like, yo, can you do my podcast? Our guest fell out. So I was like, yeah, we'll zoom. The first question he said, he goes, have you found the. The clip? Yeah, I played it for him and he lost his mind. And he was like, do not say that ever.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, he knows. Oh, he knows.

[Bert Kreischer]

And you know what I do is I just go up to Leanne. I go, God, I love this time of year. And she'd go, really? What time of year is it? And I go, yo, shut the up. It's fat cracker season.

[Tom Segura]

No, you say it fat.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, I play it. I play it. If I can have that as my ringtone, you.

[Tom Segura]

You can.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can I get that as my ringtone?

[Tom Segura]

Of course.

[Bert Kreischer]

Will you send. Set that up as my ringtone right now? Oh, my God.

[Tom Segura]

But let me ask you this. Oh, my God, you're obsessed with this. Be honest.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, I'll be okay.

[Tom Segura]

When you're alone, you actually say it, right? Like when you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Nope, I have not said it yet. I have not said it yet. I swear to God.

[Tom Segura]

Can I just tell you something? I know when you're lying, so it's okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

You say, I have not said it yet. I have not said it.

[Tom Segura]

So you put on Wuang Clan.

[Bert Kreischer]

You.

[Tom Segura]

You go, sh. Shame on anyone who tries to run. Game on anyone.

[Bert Kreischer]

I sing the N word. Yes. Okay.

[Tom Segura]

That's what I was getting.

[Bert Kreischer]

But don't look shocked. Like, I just told you, your dad, your mom, like, come on, it's real. What do you. What? Like, yeah, when you. When you're singing. Hey, listen, I don't think you're supposed to, but I'm old school. I got. I'm grandfathered in. I'm. I'm 52. Hip hop came out when I was a kid in the.

[Tom Segura]

No, you were probably older than a kid.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I was a kid. I was like, it was like, I saw it on 2020. They had it on 2020.

[Tom Segura]

They're like, these blacks are dancing and singing in a whole new way. And you're like, I like this.

[Bert Kreischer]

I did. I did. I saw it in 2020. I was like, I think I'm going.

[Tom Segura]

To get into this.

[Bert Kreischer]

I found hip hop.

[Tom Segura]

That's the widest way you could discover hip hop is. That is a news magazine show. Being like, there's an all new movement starting called rap.

[Bert Kreischer]

I went to Philadelphia the next summer and they had. They Played hip hop. They played Mantronics, I think was the name of the band. And I was like, oh, John Stossel just covered this on 2020.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my.

[Bert Kreischer]

And my cousins were like, huh, yeah. Baseline. But Mantronics, I think song was songs. Baseline. And then the interesting is you said the songs.

[Tom Segura]

Actually it's Fat N Word season.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know.

[Tom Segura]

It was summer. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because of Chet Hanks. Hold on. Did you see how good Chet Hanks is in this fucking TV show?

[Tom Segura]

No, no idea.

[Bert Kreischer]

The Netflix TV show about Jeannie Buss. Chet Hanks plays like a loose, out of control kind of. He's so good.

[Tom Segura]

Is he.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's really talented. He's not tall enough to look like a basketball player. He's like a little stocky. So that pulls me out of it. But, but, but I just want to say, can I tell you, shout out to Chet Hanks when that, that.

[Tom Segura]

Remember Ben Affleck and. And Matt Damon, they did that movie about Jordan signing with Nike. You know, Air, I think it was called. The. One of the things that took me like out of the movie is the actor. They. They don't show his face. But the guy that they clearly supposed to be, Michael, he's like 6:1. And you're watching this thing and you're like, why wouldn't you just. Because the whole thing is. They were like, we don't want to show somebody's face. Yeah, because he's so iconic. You're just gonna go, that's not him. So they shoot it in a way where like he walks in rooms and you're seeing like, you know, profiles and.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like the way they shot the shark.

[Tom Segura]

And Jaws kinda, but you're like, this guy's clearly not 6. Why wouldn't you just. Cat. I don't understand.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, all you need is six, six and that's it.

[Tom Segura]

Six, six, six. In black. That's like a diamond. That's like a. A blonde with big tits.

[Bert Kreischer]

They're everywhere, you know, Blondes with big tits are everywhere.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, especially. They're here too, by the way.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can we just talk about where we are? Yeah, can we. And can we get. Just pipe in the audio for the Fat N Word season Just. Just to. So they know what they're. What they're in store for.

[Tom Segura]

We just see everyone walk out like.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, shut the up.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I tell you why I like that. I'll tell you why I like that. Yeah, it is AI. But I just like, I love that there's. They have them doing stuff that I don't think they would really do.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, they have them snorkeling.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I just see it. It makes me giggle. And then. But it does have them doing, like, legit, like, fat guy stuff where fat fella stuff where they, like, sitting with a white chick and a cigar and a bath suit. Just like.

[Tom Segura]

There's this thing, too, that, like. Because there's something where black guys can just make anything cool that they. They're like the first guys to be like, nah, if you're a fat. If you're a fat, that's cool, too. Yeah, because, like, Biggie, you know, I think, like, him and Big Pun and Fat Joe and all those guys were like, yeah, we're fat. We're fat as. And so what? And they were still cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you know what I feel bad for about black guys?

[Tom Segura]

So many things. But. Yeah. What's one of the. What's one of the number one on the list?

[Bert Kreischer]

They don't get to put all of their dick in a vagina. They only can put, like, the. Like, the little beginning of it because they have big dicks.

[Tom Segura]

Not all.

[Bert Kreischer]

I put. All black guys have big dicks.

[Tom Segura]

No, you. I got to take you to this gym I've been going to.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was talking to Shaq, and I was like, you don't. You'll never know what it's like to put your whole dick in a vagina and, like, be like. And still have room.

[Tom Segura]

And what did he think of that?

[Bert Kreischer]

He. He got really shy. He was like, I don't know.

[Tom Segura]

No. He was like, no, mine actually f.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, he can. He. He can only put, like, the head. Yeah. When you have a big dick, you can only put the head of your dick in the person.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then you just go, like, you have to. You have to kind of like. It's almost like jerking off in a vagina.

[Tom Segura]

Sometimes in porn, sometimes you watch the guy. If you're, like, really dialed in on. You'll watch him giving her a quarter of his dick. Sometimes you're like, this guy's got a hammer on him.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And he's not slam. He's, like, taking it easy on her.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't actually. I think I'm on the. I'm changing opinions on big dicks. I think I'm glad I got a pretty medium dick.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, a medium dick is the best.

[Tom Segura]

Dick to have the biggest dick Is the. Is this best for show?

[Bert Kreischer]

That's the only reason I want a big dick is to show men. It's to be, like, at the gym, pull my dick out and be like, what do you guys think now? Yeah, that's the only reason I want a big dick. I don't want a big dick for a woman.

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, I don't want to take it out in the hurt. Go, oh, that's gonna hurt. You're like the one.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. The one who goes, oh, that's all I wanted. 10 inches and as big as a liquid death can. She's so deeply traumatized, like, mentally, you know, her upbringing was not. And she's the one who's like, that looks perfect. That's not a chick. You really want to settle down, you know? You want a girl who wants a normal sized dick. I. I think.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I don't know. I like, I like, like, Leanne's boobs are perfect. They're perfect. Perfect. I mean, like, perfect. And they're just getting better. Like, I gotta be honest with you, with age, I settled on those boobs. I gotta be dead honest with you.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

When I met her, I settled for her. I went, the boobs aren't bad. They're not bad. They're not the one. They're not perfect, but they're not bad. I go, the ass is great. The face is. I mean, yeah. The personality. Home run boobs, pretty good.

[Tom Segura]

But you liked the personality.

[Bert Kreischer]

I loved the personality when I met her.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

The. It's got to be.

[Tom Segura]

I was going to say, I've heard some different opinions over the years. You definitely have changed. So the tits got better. The personality soured. But so the.

[Bert Kreischer]

But the tits have gotten so much better.

[Tom Segura]

That doesn't usually happen.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know. Well, you know what? They were really perk. I wish I had video of them. They were really perky when I met her. Like, really perky.

[Tom Segura]

I was gonna say, you can make.

[Bert Kreischer]

One really, really perky. And then as she's. And when she got pregnant, they got huge and they never went down.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they're. And they've always stayed perfect now.

[Tom Segura]

Great, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I'm, like, really happy with her tits.

[Tom Segura]

That's really cool, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, she's gotten. She's gotten too skinny, in my opinion.

[Tom Segura]

Too skinny.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. She's doing. She's doing one of those. I don't know if I should talk about, but one of those, you know.

[Tom Segura]

Huh.

[Bert Kreischer]

And you know.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And. And she's gotten really skinny and I'm like, kind of liked her a little bigger.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. You really are like a black guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You're wearing their clothes. You want your thick woman.

[Bert Kreischer]

I want a thick woman. Just Just, you know, I put her in AI and I jerk off to those pictures.

[Tom Segura]

It's insane. That's real. Love you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really? She said this hurt her feelings, but I thought it was the right thing to say.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because I showed. I'll show you the picture. I was like.

[Tom Segura]

She got. By the way, she got mad at you when you showed me a picture. That was AI at that party.

[Bert Kreischer]

Remember?

[Tom Segura]

You show. You're like, I'm gonna show Tom this a. And then she jumped and grabbed the phone.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I do this picture. I was like. And then she goes, I don't even look like that. And I go, I don't jerk off to these. I look. Jerk off the ones where you're a little bigger. And she was like, what? And I was like, yeah, the thicker ones. Those are the ones I. Or when she's blonde.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

She looks so good blonde. I mean, I. I just do blonde pictures of her and go, just dye your fucking hair. What are we waiting for?

[Tom Segura]

Why won't you do that?

[Bert Kreischer]

She just, you know, I don't know. She. I don't know, man.

[Tom Segura]

That could be a nice, like, anniversary gift.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

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[Bert Kreischer]

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[Tom Segura]

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[Bert Kreischer]

Hey, when's this come out? My specials dropped, right? Well, check out my special Lucky streaming right now on Netflix.

[Tom Segura]

There you go.

[Bert Kreischer]

There you go. That's my plug.

[Tom Segura]

Where'd you shoot it?

[Bert Kreischer]

I shot it on or in the mahaffia in St. Pete.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I'm touring again. I set up a new tour.

[Tom Segura]

I know, I know.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm so excited. I feel like I. But I'm really at a place where I go. I realize why I like touring. It distracted me from everything.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, right? I know.

[Bert Kreischer]

When I haven't toured, Tom, all I do is, like, I've gotten crazy. Like, crazy. And so I'm like. I announced the tour, and the second I announced the tour, I started relaxing.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Makes you feel better.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Are you doing the whole. Are you doing a certain region or, like, is it a whole. No, just two months, or is this gonna be.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's gonna be September, October, November, December. And then. And then I have a big event planned in January, which we haven't announced yet. We'll announce in the summer.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then I think. I'm sure. I'm thinking I'm gonna do a movie for a little bit and then go back on tour.

[Tom Segura]

Great.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

That's cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. It's crazy, man. Being off has really made me question, like, what motivates me?

[Tom Segura]

What do you think it is?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't, man. I. You know, can I tell you? I'm. I think that I want. I want to go back to college. I want to go back to college when, like, I didn't have any motivation for anything, and everything was just about exploring the day and just going, like, what are we got doing? What are we doing today? Like, I never thought about tomorrow. I never thought about September. I never. In college, I never went, like, I wonder what I'm going to do September. You know, what's my summer gonna look like? I was always like, what's going on this weekend? That's the big fucking move. And, like, I want to get back to that because I feel like I. I'm so overwhelmed with, like, career goals, legacy. That's the thing that's really fucking me up is I actually thought the other day I was like, maybe I'll quit comedy and just go be of service to people. Because, like, what? What? So, what, you die and Then people make fun of you. The day you die, your career is. You're a comedian, and then no one talks about you. I mean, we've had so many friends where that happens and you go, okay. Doesn't seem like the fucking good way to go out.

[Tom Segura]

You really think about that?

[Bert Kreischer]

I think about that, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I've never thought about that thought.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you serious?

[Tom Segura]

0000 have I ever thought about.

[Bert Kreischer]

You don't think it's sad to think that, like, so Ralphie just died and he was a great comic, but no one talks about him, right?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. It's just the way it goes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Greg. Geraldo's dead, his kid's doing comedy. No one. No one ever like, mentions just a great guy Greg was and what a great comic he was, how talented he was.

[Tom Segura]

No, like, no one.

[Bert Kreischer]

No one brings it up.

[Tom Segura]

Well, a few people. That's the. I just did. Yeah. Yeah. George Harland died. And I would say most people 35 and under that name doesn't even ring a bell.

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Tom Segura]

That's just the way it goes.

[Bert Kreischer]

If you ask Peter who George Carlin is, he'd go, is he working right now?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You really think he wouldn't know?

[Bert Kreischer]

Peter would never.

[Tom Segura]

Did you know who he was? You did know from what, Your parents. You just knew yourself. Yeah. Most people. I was asking Tanner off camera. Most people, I think I would think don't know.

[Bert Kreischer]

So then. So then, what's the goal?

[Tom Segura]

So, like, so you want to be like.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, No, I want. I want none of it to matter to me. That's what I want. I don't want to try to make myself live, carry on a legacy or. Or be important to the world. Any of that. I don't want any of that. Yeah, but I just want to genuinely not want it. Does that make sense? Like, I wanted to genuinely not care.

[Tom Segura]

And go care about your legacy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, so, like, what if I just was like, my grandmother didn't give a fuck. She just died, right?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then she died. And then she just knew that we'd always talk about her.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And we're like, cool. But she just. She just did good things around the community and she was like a good person. I was like, okay. I don't want to think on the larger scale. What I want to do is get to a place where I was in high college, where I just thought about the end of the day and thought that's how I lived in the moment. And I'm not living in the moment. And I've been off for so Long. I'm living less and less in the moment every day.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

So, yeah, so that's. My goal, is to get. To get back to a place where I just.

[Tom Segura]

It seems attainable, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know. I'm in a lot of therapy right now.

[Tom Segura]

Are you?

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm in doubles couples therapy and single therapy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's like all I do is talk about things.

[Tom Segura]

Well, these seems like real therapy thoughts.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I know, but do you feel good about it? You know what's crazy is I'm happier than I've ever been in my entire life. Yeah, I really am. I really am. The girls are self sustainable. They're having a fucking blast. I love my job. I love what I do. I love my wife. I love my house. I love everything I have. I want for nothing. Except I don't want to think about tomorrow. I just want to think about right now. And I'm not there yet.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, I got it. Once you get to that place where you can be super present about today. That's the goal.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

But if you're working on that, I bet you can get there.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm trying so hard. I'm thinking about. Do you think if you take SSRIs, do you think that it makes you just a little happier? So I'm not depressed, but I wouldn't mind being a little happier.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know. I've never been on them, so I wouldn't know.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is your own SSRIs?

[Tom Segura]

SSRIs.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. Were you depressed? Okay, well, you don't count. Was I depressed? Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

When you. What? Were you depressed when you got on them? Oh, no, no, no, no. Did it make you a little happier? Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, you're. Like you're about to get depressed and.

[Tom Segura]

Then like, they're like, oh, wait, no, I'm chilling. But then I just wanted to feel sad, so I just went cold turkey.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really? Are there any great men on sssri? Like.

[Tom Segura]

Like, he wants to. He's trying to think of, like, innovators and world leaders that are Kim Jong Un. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like what? That would be a. An A thing. If they put Kim jong un on SSSRI's.

[Tom Segura]

It's just two S's.

[Bert Kreischer]

SS. SSS. SS. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

SSRI.

[Bert Kreischer]

SSRIS.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Did I just develop a lisp in the middle?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, you did.

[Bert Kreischer]

Sssri.

[Tom Segura]

Look at Kingman's bod.

[Bert Kreischer]

Where's. Yo. Can we talk about where we are real quick?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. We didn't even get to that. God, he's. Look at him, man. He's jacked.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I Saw that lean. She's like, whoa.

[Bert Kreischer]

So chick with red hair?

[Tom Segura]

You what?

[Bert Kreischer]

I never dated a chick with red hair.

[Tom Segura]

Never?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, never.

[Tom Segura]

Do you ever sleep with one?

[Bert Kreischer]

No. Never? Never? Never. I. I regret it now.

[Tom Segura]

You can. You can still do it. Have her dye her hair red.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tell you the time. This is such a good story.

[Tom Segura]

I like how you whispered like, we're not on mic.

[Bert Kreischer]

What's the matter? Kingman did. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Jesus.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you. Is this a prank? Is there someone's dick and balls? Press?

[Tom Segura]

No, no, no, there's not, but he just jumped from the. From the roof. Look at that psycho.

[Bert Kreischer]

There a TV out there, man? Jesus Christ. We have insurance, right? Okay, so we're on the roof. Okay, we're on the roof of a. Of a place. Ari was with me. Oddly enough, it was the week before he drugged me.

[Tom Segura]

You see the whole thing about that too?

[Bert Kreischer]

What?

[Tom Segura]

Like that whole thing online about how that's a bit. It was made up. You never seen that?

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Tom Segura]

Said he lied. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You didn't see it for real?

[Bert Kreischer]

No. You know, it's like.

[Tom Segura]

It's pretty like that. Somebody goes, come on. And then he goes, no, it's a whole bit we did. Like, Ari tells that it's the whole bit.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Oh, really? He's a fun guy to have in your life.

[Tom Segura]

So that's not a bit?

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Tom Segura]

I almost called you to be like, wait, this is a bit.

[Bert Kreischer]

How bad is this? A. That's why I sold it really?

[Tom Segura]

Well. You're a fucking asshole too. Let me tell you this.

[Bert Kreischer]

What you did. You.

[Tom Segura]

You with fucking Jay Okerson. I saw a clip where he's like. He's like. Everybody says that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah. Everyone's critiquing every part of my personality.

[Tom Segura]

And then you're like, tom's auri. And I'm like, yo, it was.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right. You caught a stray. You caught a stray.

[Tom Segura]

Thank you. It was.

[Bert Kreischer]

You caught a stray. That was unfair.

[Tom Segura]

It was a day after you go, you know, I just find myself not interested in what people say, but I'd like to be interested. Then you're like, tom's a speak up.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm like, hold on, hold on. Two things. Two things. Okay. Don't let me forget the. Okay, fuck the story. Anyway, so I went to dinner. I can't really say names, but I. But I can say names if you edit them out. Okay.

[Tom Segura]

He just did it again.

[Bert Kreischer]

What the fuck is this? I got the worst seat in the house. People are watching this. People are jumping off buildings behind me.

[Tom Segura]

It's kind of cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they're like, bird, stop talking. I want to watch.

[Tom Segura]

It looks good. Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is Kingman doing it for the camera?

[Tom Segura]

I don't know why he's doing it, but he's having fun. It seems somewhat high risk if you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Don'T know by now. This is me and Tommy's vodka. It's called Porosos for the Bears. And we want you to make friends. There's nothing better than having a best friend that you can share secrets with, share a cocktail with, and you're going to love this vodka. It's got a smooth taste, a beautiful finish, and we taste tested 100 different vodkas and landed on this one mutually. And we were not wrong. We have won two huge awards, the USA Spirits 2024 Gold Medal and the Tasting Alliance 20 Double Gold Medal. It is a fair price. It is an accessible price. We wanted to make that for our fans. We want you to enjoy it. Go get yourself a bottle and make it with soda. We have a bunch of drinks over on the Porosos Instagram page that you can try. But pick up a bottle at one of our finer retailer partners, ABC Fine Wines and Spirit, Total Wine and more specs. Or go demand it at your favorite liquor retailer. Do that at a bar. Go up to your favorite bar and go, do you guys serve prosos? When they say no, they go, damn. All right, never mind. I guess I'll have a beer. Order a bottle and some of our killer merch [e-mail] make friends the new.

[Tom Segura]

KFC dunk it bucket with juicy original recipe tenders, new mashed potato poppers, crispy fries, plus three sauces that fit right on top of the lid. So you can dunk anywhere. You can dunk at the game. Dunk while security points to the no outside food sign. And dunk as 20,000 people watch you and your Dunkin bucket get removed from the stadium. Dunk almost anywhere with the new $7 KFC Dunkit bucket or get the double Dunk it bucket for 25. Prices and participation vary while supplies last. Taxes, tips and fees extra. Yeah, so he looks like a prisoner. Go ahead.

[Bert Kreischer]

I went to dinner with. I went to dinner the other night with mom who tried two dinners. But I'm gonna tell you the one that's safe. I'm gonna tell you one that's safe. Back to back, then you have two dinners. The mom wouldn't shut the fuck up. Okay? She was. She just was talkative. Everything was about her. But it was really enjoyable. And I thought it was Nice to have the heat off of me for a minute.

[Tom Segura]

Sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

Where I was like. And Leanne was like, man, she would not stop talking. I go, but hang on, didn't you enjoy it? She goes. I go, what? She goes, she drove conversation. She orchestrated our event. Our evening was. She took care of all of our. We didn't have to do anything. We just sat and drank and giggled.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And she goes, well, I guess if you look at it that way, I go, that's the way I look at it. Because what that lady did is she provided a service and she put herself out there. She said, wild shit. Wild shit. I mean, like, do you know why all the. All the kids are gay these days? And I was like, boom. I love this woman. I love when reckless talk. I love it. And especially she doesn't even know me. And she's saying, like, that. I go, this woman provided a very valuable service. So next night, I gotta say this and. And edit the names out. We go to dinner with. Yeah, you know, that is. Yeah, okay. We're with a bunch of people. But he's. Okay, clean it up. Because I don't want this. I don't want this to sound bad. And he. He held court and he talked.

[Tom Segura]

That makes sense.

[Bert Kreischer]

And it was so enjoyable. And I looked at Leanne, and after she got my perspective, I said, now, you know, I go, babe, you know, if he wasn't at this table, I'd be doing that. I would be orchestrating conversation. I would be almost, like, holding court. And I go, but isn't it nice to just sit back and allow someone to do that and almost say thank you? And she was like, God damn it, you're right. I walked to the end of the night. I was like, dude, thank you so much for just being you. You're a great American storyteller. And it was fun having dinner with you. And he was like, well, thank you. And I. And I thought, you know, there are. There. Every personality is needed. And I'll tell you what I did.

[Tom Segura]

No, that's true. That is true.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was really fascinated at how enjoyable it was to sit back and listen.

[Tom Segura]

Would he tell stories or just, like, ask questions?

[Bert Kreischer]

Stories.

[Tom Segura]

Great stories.

[Bert Kreischer]

Great stories. Oh, I mean, yeah. And I was like, yeah. And, you know, the person I'm editing, I'm sitting with, and he's enamored and watching. It was like. I mean, the guy held court.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And it was, like, so enjoyable. So I was like, everyone needs to pay attention sometimes. Just cuz Ari can never hold court just because he's got a. Like a six personality, right?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And that's. And that's for a famous person. That's crazy, right? Yeah. Yeah. He shouldn't be upset that he's sitting next to a 11, right?

[Tom Segura]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Who. Who is a masterful. Yeah. Is he doing it again? That looks like a little Philip.

[Tom Segura]

That's Philip. It looks like a woman. That's Philip Lee.

[Bert Kreischer]

All I saw were the legs. I was like, nice legs. So they're all jumping off the. This is cool. This is how you break your heels, everybody.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that could be a rat. I would love if there was an accident.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I. I joke about Ari, but, like, it is. It is interesting. There's needs for every personality. And just because you're Leanne and maybe you can't, like, orchestrate an evening and hold court.

[Tom Segura]

Would she ever hold court?

[Bert Kreischer]

Never. And she's chastised me for it before. We go to a dinner date with two of her friends, and they're lunatics.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Sidebar. Both Scientologists. And so I just talk. I feel the. I feel the dead air, right?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I go, that was fun. She goes, well, you didn't let them talk at all. And I went, well, yeah, but they're lunatics.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I go, wouldn't you rather me just make sure no one said crazy? Wouldn't you. Wouldn't you mind me meticulously orchestrating the night so that we don't get into, hey, why are you guys Scientologists? And then she's like, yeah, she's like. She's like, well, I'm just saying, sometimes it's nice to let other people talk. I went, cool. We go to dinner with him again and I'm fucking. You know what? I'm gonna be old fucking Anne Frank. Not Anne Frank. Helen Keller. Helen Keller.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'll be Aunt Frank too. Just be real quiet. I'll be Anne Frank. I'll be Anne Frank as fuck. Fucking don't open the door. And. And I let them talk. And you know what they did? They unraveled. Unraveled. Started questioning our religion. We get done. We have not talked to them since. I go, so what was the. What. So I'm sorry, what night was more fun? And Leanne goes, well, obviously the night you talked.

[Tom Segura]

And I went, yeah, yeah, you're making a good case for yourself here. Okay, I'm gonna.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm in a really good mood today.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I see. I mean, the outfit looks like it's. It's a good mood too.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it's Where'd you get that? I bought in Las Vegas. I didn't look at the price tag. And I really regret that I looked at the price tag today as I was unboxing it. And. And it was a little pricier than I imagined. Really? Ever paying for anything?

[Tom Segura]

For anything.

[Bert Kreischer]

Anything.

[Tom Segura]

Where'd you get it?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know. I got drunk in Vegas. It's like a cool.

[Tom Segura]

Like a cool gay. Well, hold on. I'm not a bad thing. I'm thinking like a cool, rich, gay guy in Palm Springs who has kind of a. Like a cool estate.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes, it's perfect for this house.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it is. We still didn't talk about the house.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, we'll talk about the house. Let's put a pin in that. Hold on. Can I tell you what I got into? I'm need to show you these so you can understand them. So I have a problem with underwear. Okay. I've always had a problem with underwear. Here's my problem is if it's boxer briefs, I feel like I'm putting on too many clothes. So I got clothes under my clothes. And then I get claustrophobic. If it's underwear, I feel like it just smashes my dick and balls. I kind of want my dick and balls away from everything. That's why I don't want to wear underwear. Well, Leanne found a solve and I gotta show them to you. There's. I'll show them to you what they look like on Amazon. They are. Of course, I don't have glasses. Yeah, they are your orders. Not the best wi fi here. They are ultimately gay men underwear. Okay, so they have. They're like silk.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, they're. See, they do like that.

[Bert Kreischer]

They're see through.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, they're see through.

[Bert Kreischer]

They're silk. I almost wore a pair. And I. And. And they have a hole like this size in the underwear. And then they have a pouch out there for your nose. This you put your dick and balls through. So it kind of shoves it front and forward. And then it sits in this pouch so it looks like you have a wad of. And because. But it's your dick and balls. And I'll. I'll show you what I look like in them because I cannot take. I look so good.

[Tom Segura]

You don't know the name of the brand.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know the name of the brand, but this is what it's on.

[Tom Segura]

You got it on Amazon.

[Bert Kreischer]

Look at this. Look at this.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, those are gay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can you see those?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can you see them? You See the dick and you see the dick. Imagine what your would look like in these. Any. Oh, those.

[Tom Segura]

Like, are they comfortable?

[Bert Kreischer]

They are so comfortable. Because it keeps your dick and balls, bro.

[Tom Segura]

I'll order them.

[Bert Kreischer]

They're so comfortable. And I tell you what, dude, I get hard for no reason at all. Like, I'm just sitting there. I was on the plane with Leanne. I was wearing them on the plane, and I just was like. I thought about what my dick was touching and I was like, boom. Rock hard.

[Tom Segura]

I get hard on every flight.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's testosterone, I think.

[Tom Segura]

No, it's flying for real. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're just that into aviation.

[Tom Segura]

No, I read about it. I. I do like aviation.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, oh, wow, this is so fun.

[Tom Segura]

It's like this. You lose your inhibitions because you're not in control. And it happens to a lot of people. Like, I just.

[Bert Kreischer]

You look at 50 shades of gray Flyer.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, I almost busted nuts in there sometimes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just like. Just because you lose control. The flight attendant's like, sir, I need your seat upright. And Tom's like, yeah, upright. I'll put it upright. Dude, tell me my seatbelt's not tight enough.

[Tom Segura]

I've also fallen asleep, had like, a near wet dream experience on a flight, woken up and had a male flight attendant being like, do you have a good nap? Like, just staring at my dick.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, dude, we gotta turn this into a challenge.

[Tom Segura]

Wait, what's this brand? I want to know the brand.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. I pulled up on. On. They're really. And we. I mean, can.

[Tom Segura]

We still have not said where we are. Holy. We are at.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hold on.

[Tom Segura]

It's south by Southwest. We're in Austin. We're at the poor Osos Portal house. This is like an invite only experience where we've invited a bunch of people. We have NADC burgers here. We have a dj, we have giveaways. There's Porosos everywhere and people just having a good time. It's been. We just got here like 30 minutes ago, but it's been going off and it's gonna go off for the next few days, I think. Right? Isn't it, like, through the weekend or something?

[Bert Kreischer]

I kind of wish I was staying. I gotta go to Palm Springs tomorrow.

[Tom Segura]

To return that outfit or what?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I'm gonna keep it. It's loading. It's loading. Dude, can I tell you what I did?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You want to talk about dodging a bullet?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I saw a picture on Magic Johnson on. On Instagram.

[Tom Segura]

You almost him.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I was like, no, I was like, oh, I got A similar picture with me and ti. I said, you know, I'm gonna do. I'm gonna screen grab this picture, and then I'm gonna. I'm gonna Photoshop it and make it look like Magic Johnson and I were on vacation with Magic with TI and this guy, right?

[Tom Segura]

Huh?

[Bert Kreischer]

And I wrote. I posted, I went to post it, and I said, missing you guys. And then I sent it to my team and I was like, hey, post that. And I got a text back. Maybe you should have read Magic Johnson's post.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

His friend had just passed away. And I had screen grabbed it, Photoshopped myself into said in memoriam? And I was like, do you know how horrible it would have been if I posted missing you guys? And it's Magic Johnson with his friend's wife who passed away and me and Ti and Fluffy. Not Fluffy. Lucky. What's not Lucky? What's her skin? Buffy? Bony. Bony. What's his. What's Ti's wife's name? Ti's wife's name. Come on. Any. Any.

[Tom Segura]

Tiny.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tiny. God damn it. Yeah, I'm. I. Bony, Fuzzy, Fluffy. What if. What if Tiny is listening? She's like a big two Bears fan and she's listening. She's like, God damn it. I met that. He can't. I can't remember my name. Keep my name out your mouth. Burt Kreischer.

[Tom Segura]

That's a good impression of her, man. Wow. I just did the. I did a promo. I did an interview for my UK shows, and I had a. A total, like, brain fart where I was doing an interview with a radio show in Belfast, and I was like, oh, the last time I went to Ireland, it was on the days of the King court, the King's coronation.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah, I remember that.

[Tom Segura]

So, like, there's. There's no way you could duplicate this experience. Like, it happens when it happens, I happen to be. But what I forget is that that day, I was in Dublin, I wasn't in Belfast. And so I tell these radio. They're like, all happy. I was like, yeah. So I went up there and I go, this. It was magical. I got on stage and the first thing I said on the day of the King's coronation was the King. And the place went. They went into song. They started.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I didn't know if we were gonna be able to sing. I turned around, I have it on video. I turn around my guys, I was like. And they start singing. I was like, oh, maybe they're not even gonna stop singing. Yeah, I'm looking at These three guys, I'm telling this story, and they're all like. And they're like, yeah, this is Belfast. Like, we're not Dublin. This is Northern Ireland. A lot of people support the King. I was like, oh, you could. I go. You can cut this out of the interview. Because they were like, yeah, a lot of people here would don't like that. And I was like, sorry. And they're like, anyway, go see Tom's show. It was such a train wreck. I was like, I probably should have thought about this before I spoke. They didn't like it, dude. They didn't like it at all.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, is the King. King Charles?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah. It was his coronation day when I was there last.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, wow.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, but it's a different reception in Dublin than in Belfast.

[Bert Kreischer]

I remember when Charles and Diana got married.

[Tom Segura]

You do? What were you, like, 30?

[Bert Kreischer]

No. Oh, I was a kid. It was a big deal. It was a huge, big deal. I mean, she was, like, so hot. It's crazy to think she's been dead forever. She's been dead longer than I've been doing comedy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I mean, when was that death? It was in the 90s, right? Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's what I want. That's what I want. That's what I want. Nope. That's what I want. Okay. I just realized what I want. I want to. I want to die. And I want people to say, do you remember where you were when Bert died?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's what I want. That's what I'm looking for.

[Tom Segura]

There's an ass behind you now. A thong.

[Bert Kreischer]

Jesus Christ. A thong. Wait, a thong.

[Tom Segura]

Thong? Yeah. A woman's ass just appeared in our face. Hers.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey, Kingman, how you doing?

[Tom Segura]

He knows what we're looking at now.

[Bert Kreischer]

I can't get hard dicks in this outfit.

[Tom Segura]

You can't? You got those underwear on or anything?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, man. No, I don't. If I did, I would fucking be in that pool in those underwear, just raw, dogging just wrong in the pool. Can you imagine? Can you imagine? Can you imagine taking your sexual skills now? Because you get. You get pretty in your own place, right?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, it's like. Like, you do your thing. You and push. When you guys have sex, you kind of do your thing right?

[Tom Segura]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can you imagine taking that to a stranger?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And doing that with a stranger?

[Tom Segura]

And how they would react.

[Bert Kreischer]

How they would react if you're like, oh, okay, yeah. Wow. I didn't imagine.

[Tom Segura]

If you took this. You. That works your skill set now and put it in 18 year old Bert and let him have sex with someone back then. With who you are now.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, that's not a bad idea.

[Tom Segura]

Well, it's an impossible idea.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just go back and all the chicks you.

[Tom Segura]

Right, but with your current day.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, with my skill set now. Yeah, with my skill set now where I. If I get a little drunk because of the testosterone, I can't come forever. Dude. There's times. The other night, by the way, I'm don't care that I'm sharing this. The other night I gave the an orgasm and then she was like, I do not think it's going to happen for you tonight. And I went, I think you're right. And I just went to bed.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I was like, I was like, it's. I was. We were in bed.

[Tom Segura]

Your sensitivity changed.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, if I drink a little bit because of the testosterone, I can't come at all.

[Tom Segura]

The two of those is the reason.

[Bert Kreischer]

Either that or I'm gay. I don't know. It's. It's one of the two. It's changed for whatever reason. Like a last forever.

[Tom Segura]

What was Mel Gibson like?

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, so I told this to Joe and I didn't know if Joe. I didn't know because, you know, there's a parts of my personality that I over share, but they're real. And I can't believe that other people don't think this way. Okay. I shared it with Joe and I looked at the look of Joe's face and he was a little bit like, what the fuck is wrong with you?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, well, just a put it in perspective for people.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're in Vegas, I'm in Vegas. Well, it starts with we get a call from Dana, or not a call, you know, he reaches out and says, would you come to Power Slap?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so I was like, of course I want to take Leanne. He says, it's so funny. He said, I got a plus one for you. And I go, immediately, it's Leanne. That's what I want to take. I don't want to take one of my friends. I'm going to take Leanne. I want to see the look on her face when she watches people get knocked unconscious. Yeah, like that's my person. So. So we accept thing. And then Joe reaches out and he's like, yo, if you're going to be there, why don't you come to ufc? And I was like, cool. And then he's like, he goes, I got tickets, but Dana's got better tickets, so I'll set you up with ufc. People. So I'm like, cool. I go, liam, we're going to UFC also. She's like, nice. I go, it's going to be fun. Get on the plane. JSX Theo walks over. I mean, we spent the weekend with Theo. Really? Honestly, it was a triple date, right? Theo walks in and he's. He. I cannot express how funny he is. Just in private, like, he said. I texted him at the end of the week and I said, man, I had so much fun with you. And he goes, you are my favorite person to make laugh. He goes, you laugh so good. And so we. And he says, you know, Mel Gibson sitting behind us? And I was like, what? And he was like, he's on our flight. And he goes, I think so. Theo goes, I met him a couple times. I'll see if I can introduce us. And so we get on the plane. Mel Gibson's sitting next to me on the plane. It's me, Leanne, and Mel Gibson in the single seat. And I'm like, okay, play it cool. But you know me, and I. I don't give a fuck what you think about me, but I can't help but not want to meet a famous person. And it is the same way that you see a guy driving through the streets at three in the morning looking for a hooker, and he's like, I can't help myself, man. This is what I do. Or the way a girl's sucking a guy's dick behind a dumpster, he's like, give me coke, right? Give me coke. That's when I'm around famous people. I don't get it. But I. And I. And it's. And if I've been drinking, I cannot shut the fuck up.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So I am. Leanne is. Do not say anything. Do not make this a long flight for him. Do not say anything before takeoff. Don't say anything in the air. If you say anything, it's got to be when we land. Just like a. Always do this to a celebrity. It always works. You're an absolute legend, and you just walk away. That's it. Just. You're an absolute legend. That's all I'm going to say. We land, flight attendant comes over and comes up. She goes, I am such a huge fan to Mel Gibson's like, who the fuck is this guy? She's like, you have no idea. I mean, Two Bears is my favorite. I listen to it all the time. You're special. Razzle dazzle was so good, your last bit in that. And I'm like, nice, nice, nice. Nice. Go. So what are you doing now? I'm like. I'm like, I don't want to say Dana or Joe's name. Not name dropping, so. But I go, we're coming out for the UFC fight, and Mel Gibson's just like, so what do you do? And I was like, nice. I'm like, fucking hook, line, and sinker. And I was like, I'm friends with Joe Rogan. God damn it. What the fuck did I say? No, I didn't say that. I was like. I was like, oh, I'm a comedian. We're going out. I did say Dana's name. I said, dana invited us out to slap fight. And then I said, we're going to UFC the next day. And he was like, yeah. And then I was like, dude, I just gotta tell you, you're a fucking absolute legend. I said, I'm a Ride or Die Mel Gibson fan. I have always been. You're my favorite filmmaker. You're fucking so great. And he was like, well, thank you very much. He goes, maybe I'll. Maybe I'll see you at ufc. And I said, yeah. And so then we get to ufc, and I'm sitting in the fronts. Me, Theo Leanne, Taylor Lawan, Max Crosby, Mario Lopez, Taylor Sheridan. It's like a wild fever dream. Mark Zuckerberg is sitting in front of us, and. And fucking Mel Gibson walks by, looks, walks by, everyone looks at me, goes, hey, what's up, buddy? Shakes my hand. I'm like, shut the fuck up. Max Crosby and Taylor are like, you know Mel Gibson? And I was like, we're getting a picture. We're getting a picture. I go, gentlemen, this is what I'm good at. So we fucking. We perfect. I mean, right before the main. Right before the main event happens, I grab all of them. I go, come on, guys. I walk over, I get down, I go, Mr. Gibson, the boys and I would love if we could take a picture with you, but we totally understand. He goes, no, fuck, yeah. Let's do it. Mel Gibson stands up. Taylor Sheridan. I'm like, taylor, get in here. I should have grabbed Mark Zuckerberg. That was the misstep.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

But then I got drunk and I creeped him out.

[Tom Segura]

You did?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

What you say to him?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know. Let me. I don't know. Let me see your watch.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, he's gotten really into it.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is a $600,000 watch.

[Tom Segura]

Every day it's a new one. It's pretty awesome.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's got. He's got pretty crazy swag. Like, he. And he was cool. He was cool. I was.

[Tom Segura]

With that pivot for him of being like a pivot of. He was like weird robot autistic guy, and now he's like, I do Jiu Jitsu. I wear gold chains and diamonds.

[Bert Kreischer]

He had a holy grail diamond necklace on. That was kind of sick. Sat with Dana the whole time.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I guess the best Jiu Jitsu guy in the world came up and was talking to him. I don't know. Mark Zuckerberg was pretty cool, I gotta be honest with you.

[Tom Segura]

Who, Ryan?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is that his name?

[Tom Segura]

I mean. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Canoe something.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. I don't know that guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

But. But it was. It was a really epic night. Like, we had.

[Tom Segura]

Dude, if you are interested in, like, directing or filmmaking, the. A must is apocalyptic.

[Bert Kreischer]

Apocalypto is the greatest.

[Tom Segura]

It's so amazing. It does not get talked about enough. If you've never seen it. Mel Gibson directed this movie. He's not in it. Just. He directed it and there's no dialogue. And it's an epic. So you're watching epic storytelling without people speaking. That is so compelling.

[Bert Kreischer]

None of them had acted.

[Tom Segura]

They're not actors.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And they're amazing in it.

[Bert Kreischer]

They're amazing. Yeah. Apocalypto is just genius. Greatest. But yeah, it was like. It was a crazy, crazy, crazy night of ufc. But the funniest is. And I, you know, I always say this, like, I, you know, I'm really lucky that I have funny friends, but I have funny friends that to me, are funnier than other people think. Like, I always say that about you. Like, I don't know why people like you.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, you always say that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because. But I know what. I like you. I know what makes me like you.

[Tom Segura]

That's what you always say.

[Bert Kreischer]

The funniest part of you doesn't get shown to like the funniest part of you. Sometimes I don't see it in your. Stand up. The funniest part of you. Like, the thing about you that I. That endears me to you. And the thing about Theo, he basically did a private show for me in my ear. He wasn't talking to anyone else.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I. I could not stop laughing.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

One point. At one point, the guy's got the other guy in a chokehold pressed up against the. Up against the chain, and we're in the front row. We're like five feet from him. And I looked at the guy and I go, you got this, big guy. And Theo started making fun of me. And then the whole time, anytime someone got pressed up, he would communicate to them, making fun of me. At one point, he goes, rumor has it this next guy is Elian Gonzalez. And I was like, just. I was crying.

[Tom Segura]

He's so funny.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's so funny. We had such.

[Tom Segura]

His references are. His references are, like, from another planet.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I laughed. I laughed the whole time. I laughed the whole time. And then. And then I got. At the. At the end of the last fight, I got a text from someone on my team, and they're like. They're like, you and Theo have been on camera the entire fucking fight? And I was like, for real? I have no idea if I was picking my nose, if I was eating it. I don't know if I was drinking too much. I don't know what I was doing. I have no recollection of, like, any of that. I. All I know is that if my recollection was just me leaning over to Theo the whole time. I didn't talk to Leanne once. I laughed the whole fucking event. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

That's awesome. It's a fun night.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's crazy, though. I said to Theo at the end, I go. I go, so, what are you gonna do? So it's. It's. It's interesting to have friends like this. Where he goes, I don't know. I said, what do you mean? I go, like, you go home tomorrow? And he goes, I don't know where. Where will I go? He's like, I might just stay in Vegas. He, like. He doesn't have any family. He doesn't have any kids. Yeah, he can go to. He can go to anywhere he wants. Got tons of money.

[Tom Segura]

Makes you fantasize, huh?

[Bert Kreischer]

I literally was like, my whole month is planned out.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, I come here. I leave from here to go to la. Leanne picks me up at lax. We go to Palm Springs. I go to Palm Springs for two days. I then fly back to here to do Joe on Monday. I then fly back to LA to do Kimmel on Tuesday. I then fly out to New York. I mean, like, every day is planned for me.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

The way that he just looked at it, he goes, I don't know. Maybe I'll sleep in tomorrow. Might go for a walk. And I was like, really? I go, where are you going after this? He goes, I'll figure out tomorrow. Maybe I'll go to Nashville. I was like, really?

[Tom Segura]

I go, just does what he wants.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was like, that's got to be insane. Especially when you're. When you have kids.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And you're like, if.

[Tom Segura]

You know, if you left your family, like, I could.

[Bert Kreischer]

It would be so easy right now.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just leave Leanne.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

The girls are gone. I'm not. They don't even notice. I could not even tell them. They wouldn't even notice.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, just.

[Bert Kreischer]

I still text with them. No, no, I'm downstairs. Mom's crazy. Don't listen to her.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah, dude, that would be awesome, man. Yeah. You could get away with it, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

I guess I'll start drinking.

[Tom Segura]

That's cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you gonna drink today?

[Tom Segura]

I've already been drinking.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, for real?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Nice. What does your day look like today? How long are you gonna be here.

[Tom Segura]

For a little while after this, then go home and like you, I have things completely scheduled all the time. All the time I have.

[Bert Kreischer]

I thought that was really Robert Smith.

[Tom Segura]

Wasn't that.

[Bert Kreischer]

I thought that was really Robert Smith. I really, like. I said. Oh, fucking. I said to Leanne, I go, how cool is it? Like, our jobs are cool, but the access we get to, like, meeting people that are our heroes. And I know that she was a big Cure fan.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I go, that is so cool that. That they got. I get so many spam calls.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

It happens to all of us. You can find that underwear out.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah. Hang on. But I was like, that's so cool. And then Leanne goes, baby, that's Tom.

[Tom Segura]

It's really nuts the way that it came together. It's really crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, what?

[Tom Segura]

Like, the way that, like. So I brought in Chris and Michaela, who did hair and makeup on my series.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's called Zonba Zon Balon.

[Tom Segura]

Let me see.

[Bert Kreischer]

Zon Balon. That's the name of it. Zon Balon.

[Tom Segura]

Zon Balon Pouch underwear. Oh, yeah, for sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's for gay dudes.

[Tom Segura]

But I brought the people who did hair and makeup for the series, and we just gave them this photo of Robert Smith, and then they just transformed me. Like, shaved me. He. He got the wig. Chris did Chris Clark, and then Michaela did the makeup. And it was, like. It was pretty spot on.

[Bert Kreischer]

It looks. It looked. Can I tell you, that's what. If you're a young podcaster and you're listening to this, and I know that sometimes, like, young podcasters will, you know, listen to other podcasts. I listen to people's podcasts. There's one thing I think you've done really well in this business is you have. You have created a community, like a legit community of fans, where you guys all have Similar senses of humor and all. It's all inside jokes. It's like a family. And I think it's so cool. I actually said to myself, apart from being a part of Two Bears, I don't really have that. Like, with. When my bird with Burcast, like the other day, I was like, I was like, maybe I'll just quit podcasting. Just do Two Bears.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was like, you know, I just cancel everything.

[Tom Segura]

You know, there's a magical moment that happened on the show too, which is that we had this guy, Tony John, the guy who's like, Tony John's. I always that up how he's all. He's like this, you know, wild dude who's like, I like blowing backs out. And he was working at Lowe's a long time. He got fired and we. We brought him and we did like a bachelor style show. And then he started posting online that he wants to get into the adult industry and be a male performer.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And he tagged in a video, Alexis Fox. And then during the podcast, Alexis Fox was watching and called in and was like, I'll do a scene with him. And then we got to tell him live that she said yes. And he was. He's working at Walmart. He's like, fuck, yeah, I'll just leave Walmart. So he's quit his job. He's just like, I want to. I'm going to be an adult performer. And this is like coming together now. That happened live on the show.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, wow.

[Tom Segura]

So it was pretty crazy, I think.

[Bert Kreischer]

See, I think, you know, it's like when I look at the YMH lives and it seems to me that you guys are investing a lot of money into it. That doesn't seem like a cash grab.

[Tom Segura]

It's. It costs a fortune to put that one on.

[Bert Kreischer]

But I think that's what's cool about that, is it's almost like making a TV show just for your fans, just.

[Tom Segura]

For a special audience.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can I tell you what I was thinking about doing? Because I always. I just always play with the idea of doing something different with podcasts.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is we've been doing a lot of bands and lately. But I was like, what if I just made like a 22 minute version of Birdcast and put it online and that was it. Just a TV show. It's just a. It's like the highlights of the interview.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then I just put the full interview behind a Patreon so that if you really want to get it, you can get it. But, like, because I was like, I don't know. The cooking show I enjoy, but I'm not doing the community. And that's what I. It's not a bad idea, dude. I'm just like, I think you're never too late to reinvent what you're making.

[Tom Segura]

I totally agree. I totally agree.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I think it's what is gonna be special about your TV show. What's special about your TV show is I think you are making it. You're doing the same thing. You're making it for your fans.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I mean, it goes a little beyond that. I think we're gonna bring in new people, but it's. It's incredible production value. Like, everything is cinematic. The stories are completely insane. Like, it's. It's wild stories. So it's. It's a lot of fun. I think we're going to have something pretty unique, I think.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think it's a cool thing that we're doing with the 2 Bears 5K.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is that it does create a community. And it does it. It allows you. The cool thing about podcasting is it allows you to have imaginary conversations with people you don't really talk to, but you feel like you know them personally.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, I was doing that. I was doing that today on the treadmill. I was like, talking to our fans.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I was like, what do you guys like, I was like, what do you guys think? Do you think I could run like a sub 30? And they were like, you were just saying this in my head. I was at a bar and I was like. And they're like, oh, you can do anything, man. You can definitely do it.

[Tom Segura]

Do you have a goal time for the 5K?

[Bert Kreischer]

No. So today I got on the treadmill and I was like. I was like, I wonder how fast. What's the fastest mile I can do? So I said, I'm not gonna run the whole one mile.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then I'm gonna judge it off that. I said, you know what? Better that I'm gonna do a half a mile, do the fastest half a mile I can do. And then I can judge it off that. Cause I know if I can't last at a half a mile, I'll be like, I couldn't last it for that. So I did a half a mile and I went down. And the comfortable pace for me was a 7.7minute mile. Or no, no, no, I'm sorry. Comfortable pace for me was 7 miles per hour, which is, I think translates into an 8.8minute and 47 second mile, which is still not that Impressive. I mean, you're like 27 minutes is not impressive, but aren't you like two.

[Tom Segura]

For third for two something?

[Bert Kreischer]

245.

[Tom Segura]

245. Okay. If you did that at 245, that'd be. That's pretty impressive, actually.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Like, I. Man, I really hate running. And I've been doing it more just trying to get myself in the running mindset for this thing. My goal is just to do something like. You okay?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I would not. I don't think I can run a.

[Bert Kreischer]

24 minute, 5k, 24 miles. Impossible. I mean, not impossible, but it's like, you gotta really. The whole thing is your heart rate. Your whole thing is your heart rate getting your heart rate to a manageable level. Because if your heart rate's at. You can't keep your heart rate at 160 for 26 minutes.

[Tom Segura]

It's a lot. It's a lot. You know the worst part, by the way, I didn't tell you this about Robert Smith thing for Wireless Live weeks before, we were entertaining this idea, and I was just like, looking at Robert on the podcast. I was like, man, this guy looks like a bag of. He looks terrible. And then when I became Robert Smith, everyone was like, you look exactly, exactly like him. Like, you are a dead ringer. That looks like hot.

[Bert Kreischer]

You. You've been shaving your beard a lot lately.

[Tom Segura]

No, it's. Both times. It was for something.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know, but it's. It's kind of crazy is that I've never. I'm. I have not shaved my beard. This is the shortest I've made it in a long time.

[Tom Segura]

This is at least for me. Like, when there's some. Some growth, I'm a little more comfortable being myself. When it's fresh. Baby shaves. I cannot stand. Understand it.

[Bert Kreischer]

What's interesting about you and Christina is that you guys don't mind hair and makeup.

[Tom Segura]

What do you mean?

[Bert Kreischer]

You guys almost enjoy, like, putting on costumes.

[Tom Segura]

I'm not really that big into it.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, but like, you, you do it. And. And by the way, it's like if you put me in a costume, you see a different side of me where it's. I'm very uncomfortable.

[Tom Segura]

You are. You are comfortable. Just.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm more comfortable as me. Shirtless, shirtless. 100 shirtless.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you think I'll do my next special in with a shirt?

[Tom Segura]

We discussed this before.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know, but I'm thinking about my last special. Yeah, it'll be my last special.

[Tom Segura]

Your last special will be your last special.

[Bert Kreischer]

The next Special will be my last one, I think.

[Tom Segura]

The one after Lucky.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. The one after Lucky I think is gonna be my last special forever. Yeah, maybe. Maybe. Yeah, maybe. Maybe.

[Tom Segura]

Why is that? Why?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know. I was thinking about it. I was like. I was like, what am I, what am I doing?

[Tom Segura]

I just don't wanna.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know, it's like there's a lot that goes into releasing a special.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And it's a lot that is make. It's starting to make me uncomfortable about doing this much press and like going out and hitting all the outlets and then, you know, I don't know, there was. I used to enjoy it a lot. And then as I was promoting Lucky, I just started being like, I don't know, man. The last thing I want to do is talk about, like, how do you think this is going to pair against your other ones? Well, like, what do you. What, where do you get your material? What, do your kids watch your material? Does your wife ever get mad at you? You really go hard on your wife. This, this one. And so like, I was like, So I was like, what if I just goes like, you know what? I just did one more special. I do it in a suit and tie.

[Tom Segura]

That'd be cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I go, this is my last special.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then just. And just, you know, also the other thing is like, walk away from the game when the game still wants you.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, it's like, I don't want.

[Tom Segura]

To be like begging for one 60.

[Bert Kreischer]

Years old going like, Hulu won't call me back.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah. I don't think that's gonna help a relationship with Hulu.

[Bert Kreischer]

My sister works there. I should be fine.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. All right.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, but you know what I mean.

[Tom Segura]

I do know what.

[Bert Kreischer]

You walk away from the game when the game still wants you.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, like, how long. How much longer are we gonna tour for?

[Tom Segura]

That's a great question.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, it would be nice to do a Seinfeld does and do like, or. Or Chappelle, just do some pop ins. But me and you are doing legit.

[Tom Segura]

But you have the option now.

[Bert Kreischer]

Nah. Now I still, I still have a little hunger for the tour. I love the tour. I'm excited to go back on the road.

[Tom Segura]

I'm.

[Bert Kreischer]

Permission to party. That's what I named.

[Tom Segura]

I'm gonna get. Oh, that's good. Yeah, I'm gonna have a good amount of time off.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, when.

[Tom Segura]

When this, when this tour ends? This tour ends for me in December.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I have a. I could be Honest with you. I could. I'm gonna be. I'm gonna. I'm gonna call it. You guys ready? You will never tour again after this tour. You ready? That's my call.

[Tom Segura]

Really.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know it.

[Tom Segura]

What am I going to do?

[Bert Kreischer]

You're going to start directing, and you're going to. This TV show is going to be a success. You're going to do a movie. I know you have a movie or two movies lined up, and those will work well, and you'll start doing more acting, and then you'll get into directing, and you'll find that you enjoy directing and doing your mom's house and two bears. That. That. And you'll be like, why am I going to leave the boys? The boys are at the age when they're.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And by the time they get to the age where you can go back on the road, you're gonna go like, yeah, man, I don't have a hunger for it anymore. This is your last tour. If you want to see Tom live, if you want to see him live, this is your last opportunity. Bert Chrysler saying this, not Tom Segura.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, but the weird thing is you're kind of reading my mind.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know.

[Tom Segura]

Checking out this chick's ass, too.

[Bert Kreischer]

God damn it. I need a mirror or something. Yeah, that's Philip again.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, hi.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hi.

[Tom Segura]

How are you? Hey, how's it going? Hi. You're on tv. We weren't talking about you, so. Oh, yeah, this is piped in there. Sorry.

[Bert Kreischer]

Look at this chick's ass. God damn it, man. I would. Her. God damn it. I mean, I'm telling you, I'm looking right at it. This is what dreams are made of.

[Tom Segura]

Jesus, Bert. Bert, you shouldn't talk like that. That's somebody's mother.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's what I'm telling you, man. That's what. If you want to see Tom live, I would get tickets to these shows. You will never see him again.

[Tom Segura]

I'll tell you this. You're not wrong, man. I mean, there's. It's a. It's possible.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I think you're. I think you are someone who has fleeting interest in. In things where you. I think you get. You get into something. You love the way the business works, and then once you kind of figure it out, you're like, okay, I want to be interested in something else.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, you're right.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I honestly see you directing. I see you setting up projects at different places. The things that you're doing with comics now. I can see you. I can see you definitely going like, you know, I got an idea for Tim Dillon. Tim, you want to maybe do something? Will be like, you know, 13 weeks. I don't know. That's what I see. I mean, I'm not saying the same wouldn't happen for me, but, like, I definitely have. I feel like I have two more tours in me.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I see. I see your. Your love of touring is very authentic, really. You. You actually becomes. You become a different person when you're on tour.

[Bert Kreischer]

I tried to. I tried to scan this one down initially. We're going back and forth for a long time about what we were going to do on this tour, and I kind of. I initially was like, I really miss the Body Shots world tour, where I would go do smaller theaters and then go to the bar with everyone afterwards, I bet. And I was like, those are my. The last one I did.

[Tom Segura]

I'll tell you this, because I don't. I mean, obviously don't know exactly what the future holds, but one of the things I did tell my agent about a next tour, I was like, some of these markets that we're doing, I go, just let me do a theater run the next time.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Like, I. I missed that experience of, like, park in the city and do Wednesday through Saturday.

[Bert Kreischer]

Park in the city. Be on, like, the coolest street in the city.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Go have lunch, get a coffee, and go to the ymca.

[Tom Segura]

One a night. I go, no doubles. I want to do one a night would be gold.

[Bert Kreischer]

And.

[Tom Segura]

And you just go. And. And like, actually enjoy that week in that place. I think that'd be fun to do. Split it up.

[Bert Kreischer]

I said that at the beginning of this, and I was like. I was like, I miss hanging out with fans. I miss going to the bar with fans. The last time I did that was Boston. What's that. What's that venue we used to do in Boston outside the city.

[Tom Segura]

Outside the city, yeah. Oh, I know what you're talking about.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's like. It's like 3, 500.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know what you're talking about.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I did it. I did it at. I did it in March of 2020, March first week.

[Tom Segura]

It's one of Bill's places.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it's one of Bill's one. And. And I bought a Hazmat suit as a joke because it was about to be coronavirus. And I went to the bar in a Hazmat suit and we all laughed.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Little did we know.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Didn't. Didn't post that video. And so. But I missed that. And then. And then but then I got to this thing where they're like, well, you know, you. We'd love. I mean, we'd love for you to do arenas one more time. We have a deal in place. And. And I love arenas. I do love arenas. They're funny. And I. You get great gyms. And I was like. But I'm. I'm trying to figure out something. If you're listening, if you're coming to my shows, think of something, a way for us to hang out after the show where I can't hang out with, like, all the people. But, like, I don't know.

[Tom Segura]

I don't.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, just.

[Tom Segura]

If you're cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

I just want to go to, like, a dive bar and fucking hang out with people.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. You really do love that.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love it, dude. I was, you know, I was thinking about. I think Travis Barker was maybe saying it, but I was thinking about putting up on 5Ks every day before my shows because I'm running 5K. Anyway. Just go, hey, guys, everyone come out. We'll do a jog together. We'll plan out a jog around the city.

[Tom Segura]

Not a bad one, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

I used to do with disc golf. I don't know. I'm excited to get back on the road.

[Tom Segura]

You're going to have a lot of fun. So this is the end of my tour forever?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yep.

[Tom Segura]

I. You just.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you think you can direct me in a movie?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I think.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think it would. I would drive you nuts.

[Tom Segura]

No, I think I can work with you. What are you talking about?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Yeah, let's do that.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

We could do that for real? Yeah, I have. I have a movie set up with a guy that, you know.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

How fun would that be?

[Tom Segura]

I think it'd be a lot of fun. Yeah, I would have a lot of fun doing that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, that would be cool as.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, man.

[Tom Segura]

I think it'd be a lot of 57.

[Bert Kreischer]

57. I'm in double numbers all the time with good thoughts and good intention and good energy. That's called gratitude.

[Tom Segura]

There you go. There you go, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

Love life.

[Tom Segura]

There you go.

[Bert Kreischer]

But I do want to die, and I want everyone to go, where were you when Bert died? That's the thing you want.

[Tom Segura]

Do you want it to be the paparazzi chasing you the way they did Diana? You would love that. In a tunnel in Paris.

[Bert Kreischer]

Same tunnel.

[Tom Segura]

Same tunnel.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I gotta rescue someone. I gotta get.

[Tom Segura]

Like, if you died rescuing someone, God, I got the best.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, here's what I want. Okay, this is what I want from. From the Fans, the day I die, I just. All I want you to do. All I want you to do is tell a stranger that I died. Oh, Bert Chrysler. Because that's like the. That's the crazy thing. Like, when Gene Hackman died, everyone at the bar was like, oh, Gene Hackman died. I remember where I was when Gene hackman died.

[Tom Segura]

He's 95. It was 95.

[Bert Kreischer]

95. I'm. I was at a bar at the airport. Gene Hackman died. Old guy next to me said, oof. You don't have dementia, man. Get Alzheimer's. I went, what? He goes, you don't want dementia. You want Alzheimer's. Alzheimer's kills you. Dementia. You're healthy as a horse, and no one can talk to you. I was like, great. I'll never forget this conversation. Got another Prosos and soda, please. Double. God damn it. Make this guy go away. His wife killed her. I bet his wife killed herself.

[Tom Segura]

Everybody was saying that, you know, it's.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like living with someone. Dementia. The guy just went off. I was like, wow. He used to be. Gene Hackman. Wasn't at the end, man. Wasn't at the end.

[Tom Segura]

Well, how about one? Let's raise one of Gene Hackman, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey. To Gene Hackman. Can I tell you the great thing about Gene Hackman? Didn't get famous until he was, like, 44. If you're. If you're wondering what the. Am I doing with my life? Realize Gene Hackman was 44, going the. Am I doing with my life?

[Tom Segura]

Well, if you want to see what got him famous to. And you haven't seen the French Connection. It's unbelievable.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is that the one where he goes, this is Chinatown, Jack.

[Tom Segura]

You don't think that's Chinatown?

[Bert Kreischer]

Maybe. Oh, it's Chinatown.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's Chinatown, Jack.

[Tom Segura]

No, but he's. He's awesome, and the movie's unbelievable. I just watched it again. I watched it last week.

[Bert Kreischer]

Gene Hackman's so good in hooers.

[Tom Segura]

He's great in everything, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

Gene Hackman is the. He's the man.

[Tom Segura]

Royal Tenen bombs the conversation. Like, he's so. He's so good in everything. He did really, really amazing talent. I think we should wrap it up. We got to go socialize. We got to eat a burger. You going to eat a burger?

[Bert Kreischer]

Guts of one, huh? I'll eat the guts. I'm supposed to get an iv, but I saw those ladies back there. I don't know if I trust them. Them.

[Tom Segura]

They. They're okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Easy, Tom. Easy, Tom. I'm Bert. Kreiser and I trust them. Are you just looking at asses?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, a little bit.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey, ladies. Hey.

[Tom Segura]

How you doing? How's it going? All right, let's go check out some asses and some IVs.

[Bert Kreischer]

And thank God I didn't bring my wife to this. Leanne's like, I don't think I'm going to go. And I was like, babe, I wouldn't go if I were you. And now I'm like, good call. Can't wait to see how 55 year old chicken a one piece in the. In the pool. All right. Hey, is the sauna on? Can someone turn the sauna on? Oh, my God. Philip Lee, you got burgers? I'mma have two. I'm in my one piece. I don't mind.

[Tom Segura]

Go shop it. Go shoping. Go shopping in the. In the gift bag area.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are those mushrooms? Yeah, those are mushrooms.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Nootropics.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Let's go get some.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I. I think I told Peter to get me a bag.

[Tom Segura]

Do it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Whatever. Are you. Is it purchasing stuff or are they giving it away?

[Tom Segura]

Gifts.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, they have shoes in there.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

What are the shoes? Subcontinent.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. All different colors. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Me?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm overwhelmed.

[Tom Segura]

All right, let's go. Let's go shopping.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right. Maybe I'll get an IV first.

[Tom Segura]

Good idea.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'll get an IV first.

[Tom Segura]

Thank you for watching. Thank you for listening.

[Bert Kreischer]

Thank you, guys. And remember, on the day I die, just look to the guy next to you and go, oh, Bert died. Bert died. And if he goes, Bert who? Go, God damn it. The. The machine.

[Tom Segura]

Then go. Let me tell you a story about.

[Bert Kreischer]

This guy when he was 22. Never mind.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, we'll see you guys next time.

[Bert Kreischer]

Love you guys.

[Tom Segura]

Love you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Bert and Tom. Tom and Bert. One goes topless while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Burt's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call two bears, one cave.