American Horror Story: Tom’s Kids | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Summary

Podcast Summary: "American Horror Story: Tom’s Kids" | 2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Release Date: September 9, 2024
Host/Author: YMH Studios
Episode: American Horror Story: Tom’s Kids

In this episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave, comedians Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer delve deep into personal anecdotes, touching on topics ranging from health struggles and parenting to the pitfalls of social media and unexpected celebrity encounters. Their candid and humorous conversation offers listeners an intimate glimpse into their lives beyond the stage.

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1. Bert's Struggle with Nicotine and Reflections on Health

Bert opens up about his recent efforts to quit nicotine, sharing the intense challenges he faced during the withdrawal period. He humorously contrasts his experience with Tom's ongoing struggles, highlighting the physical and mental toll of addiction.

• Notable Quote:
  Bert Kreischer ([01:52]): "The withdrawals on Zen are insane."

Tom adds his playful commentary on Bert's progress, emphasizing the humorous side of their friendship.

• Notable Quote:
  Tom Segura ([02:07]): "Rogues have so much more flavor."

Bert further reflects on how quitting nicotine has made him more aware of mortality and his overall well-being.

• Notable Quote:
  Bert Kreischer ([03:00]): "I'm not going to quit drinking this week because we're on vacation. But if I can quit Zins, maybe I'll feel better about myself and I won't wake up thinking about death."

2. Parenting: Navigating Children's Awareness and Behavior

The conversation shifts to their roles as parents, with both comedians sharing insights into their children's perceptions of the world. Tom recounts a vivid story about his six-year-old son's dream involving chainsaws, showcasing the innocent yet profound ways children process complex themes like death.

• Notable Quote:
  Tom Segura ([04:53]): "He thinks about death too."

Bert echoes similar sentiments, expressing concerns over his daughters' health issues and the inevitable passage of time.

• Notable Quote:
  Bert Kreischer ([03:20]): "I started counting how many days I had left... How did I dodge these bullets, dude?"

3. Travel Tales: The Highs and Lows of Carrying Weed on Tours

Bert shares his adventurous experiences of bringing marijuana on tours, detailing encounters with customs officials and the humorous yet stressful situations that ensued.

• Notable Quote:
  Bert Kreischer ([15:36]): "I brought so much weed to Hawaii because what I start doing is I start going like, did you declare it on the agricultural checklist?"

Tom recounts a particularly intense story about a bus driver caught with a large quantity of weed, adding his own twist to the narrative.

• Notable Quote:
  Tom Segura ([16:31]): "Tell me that story again. Tell me that story again."

4. Fitness and Surfing: Balancing Health with Comedic Chaos

Bert discusses his rigorous fitness regimen and newfound passion for surfing, contrasting his health-conscious lifestyle with the less healthy habits observed in rural Georgia.

• Notable Quote:
  Bert Kreischer ([05:38]): "I have to live more unhealthy than these people, huh?"

He further narrates his surfing adventures with his wife Leanne, highlighting the challenges and unexpected turns in their relationship dynamics.

• Notable Quote:
  Bert Kreischer ([70:12]): "I was riding down the face of the wave, like, riding the wave a little bit and walking back... I could live. I can be married to this person."

5. The Dark Side of Social Media: Addiction and Mental Health

Both comedians delve into the detrimental effects of social media, discussing its impact on mental health, self-esteem, and time management. Bert reveals his alarming screen time statistics, even while attempting to quit nicotine.

• Notable Quote:
  Tom Segura ([54:42]): "I think it is a poison."

They contemplate the pervasive nature of social media and its ability to distort reality, drawing parallels to modern-day mental health crises.

• Notable Quote:
  Tom Segura ([56:19]): "When you meet someone who doesn't have social media, you're like, oh, you're not shooting up? You're not taking the poison? Because it is."

6. Fashion Fixation: Bert's Love for James Purse

Bert shares his recent obsession with James Purse's fashion line, especially the t-shirts, praising their style and comfort. He humorously discusses his attempts to connect with the designer and the unexpected friendships that followed.

• Notable Quote:
  Bert Kreischer ([65:40]): "I love all his clothes."

Tom teases Bert about the high price points of the merchandise, adding levity to the conversation.

• Notable Quote:
  Tom Segura ([65:28]): "Just $100T shirts."

7. Reading Challenges: Dyslexia and Book Habits

Bert opens up about his struggle with dyslexia, detailing how it affects his reading habits and his approach to tackling books. He contrasts his experience with Tom's more indifferent stance towards reading prologues and forewords.

• Notable Quote:
  Bert Kreischer ([49:38]): "I'm dyslexic, first of all, so I have a hard time reading."

Tom offers motivational insights into the importance of not forcing oneself to finish unenjoyable books, referencing advice from authors like Ryan Holiday.

• Notable Quote:
  Tom Segura ([33:33]): "You should quit it. If it doesn't grab your attention, it's not a good book. That's the author's responsibility."

8. Celebrity Encounters: Navigating Neighborhood Drama with YG and Machine Gun Kelly

Bert recounts his amusing and slightly chaotic interactions with neighbors, including famous rapper YG and Machine Gun Kelly. These stories highlight the unpredictable nature of fame and the paradoxes of maintaining normalcy amidst celebrity culture.

• Notable Quote:
  Bert Kreischer ([47:35]): "I was walking back from the gym, and the guy was like, do you like this car? And I was like, kind of shitty. And he goes, yeah, you have the same car? I do. He's like, yeah. And I said, my car doesn't look like this."

Tom and Bert further discuss the complexities of these relationships, emphasizing the humorous side of celebrity interactions.

• Notable Quote:
  Tom Segura ([73:33]): "That's awesome."

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Conclusion: Upcoming Events and Closing Thoughts

As the episode nears its end, Tom and Bert briefly touch upon their future engagements, including bottle signings and tours. Their light-hearted banter continues, leaving listeners with a sense of camaraderie and anticipation for upcoming content.

• Notable Quote:
  Bert Kreischer ([73:43]): "I'm gonna go take kids college. All right. Yeah."

---

Final Thoughts:
"American Horror Story: Tom’s Kids" offers a blend of heartfelt reflections and uproarious humor, characteristic of Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer's dynamic. From personal battles and parenting tales to celebrity shenanigans and societal critiques, the episode delivers a comprehensive narrative that resonates with a diverse audience.

Transcript

[Bert Kreischer]

100%.

[Tom Segura]

Well, I mean, we're in Bert Studio. I think you should take it away, Bertrand.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey, I'm so glad you guys moved back to la. And that scam about to IRS thing you guys pretended to be Austinites is done. We don't have to pretend that we live in Austin anymore. He's in Malibu.

[Tom Segura]

Done pretending. I love the Malibu house. Let's talk about that. They hate when we talk about our lives. Go ahead.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can I tell you. It's okay. I want to show you a picture. First of all, it's Tom.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Eight days off nicotine.

[Tom Segura]

Eight days.

[Bert Kreischer]

Eight days off nicotine.

[Tom Segura]

Not me. I wake up, I spend my day, and I even go to sleep with rogues in my mouth. Go ahead.

[Bert Kreischer]

I got caught. I had. I was doing threes, and I had three here, three here, three here, three here.

[Tom Segura]

Nice.

[Bert Kreischer]

And we were in Hope.

[Tom Segura]

I got caught. What, by the tsa. Who caught you?

[Bert Kreischer]

My daughters.

[Tom Segura]

And they're like.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they were like. They were like my. I was like, your feet. How many zins are you putting in? I said, well, I'm. I'm drinking, so I like to have them. I rotate them. And so when this one goes, I put this one in. And then I go for six. And when I feel these going away, I put one in. And then I had them all over the mouth.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they were like. In Hawaii. They were like, you need to quit Zen's. And I woke up the next morning, and I felt like. I did feel like. And I was shaky, and I couldn't figure it out. And I went to the gym, and I got on the treadmill, and I went to put a Zen in, and I go, what am I doing? What the am I doing? And so I said, all right, I'm not going to quit drinking this week because we're on vacation. But if I can quit Zins, maybe I'll feel better about myself and I won't wake up thinking about death. Dude, the. The withdrawals on Zen are insane.

[Tom Segura]

Can I just say this? I think it is a good thing that you quit Zins, because rogues have so much more flavor. So, you know, I mean, those. Those taste like wet or like dry paper towels, and these are, like, pieces of candy I would go with.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I. I got to a place where I was putting anything in my mouth. I had. I had xenos, I had breakers, I had everything.

[Tom Segura]

Lucy's Serious withdrawals.

[Bert Kreischer]

I had legit withdrawals. Like, legit in Hawaii. Miserable cigar.

[Tom Segura]

Did you go? Did you have some cigars? Then to kind of balance you out.

[Bert Kreischer]

No. So I didn't do cigars all through Hawaii. And then when we got to Alabama, I said, I'm going to have a cigar. And I was like, I hope that I don't. And. But cigar was fine. Totally fine. Didn't have. We have any withdrawals? Dude, my withdrawals were so bad that I was sitting in Hawaii and all beautiful. It's gorgeous. And all I was thinking about was, I want a Zen. I want something. I need something. I need something. Like, I need a treat. That fucking. And I was all I was thinking about and then I was like, I'll just start drinking. And I was like, wait, what is going on with me? Like my. I have no control right now.

[Tom Segura]

Thoughts about death. When you woke up, I mean, you just said that.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's all I thought about.

[Tom Segura]

What, like you dying or just death in general?

[Bert Kreischer]

Me dying. Me dying and going like, is this a new thing? No, I always think about death like.

[Tom Segura]

That you're going to die.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think about death every single day. You know what I did the other day? I started counting how many days I had left.

[Tom Segura]

How many are there?

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, no, I was looking at my grant, my father in law, we were with Leanne's family. And everyone's health is sideways over Leanne's family right now. And they're all my age, Tom. They're all my age. I met them and we were all the same age. And now people have diabetes and cancer and Ms. And everything. And you're sitting at a table with going, well, I remember when I met you guys 22 years ago and everyone was healthy and vibrant and we were talking about our kids. Kids were young and now everyone's got Ms. And cancer and I'm just sitting there going, how. How did I dodge these bullets, dude?

[Tom Segura]

My six year old woke up the other day, ear to ear. He goes, I had the best dream. I had the best dream, Daddy. And I go, what'd you dream about? He goes, zachary, Lisa and Marlin. And I go, who's that? He's like, they're in my class. I go, oh, what was. What happened in your dream? He goes, I cut off their heads with a chainsaw. And I go, what? He goes, yeah, I had a chainsaw and I just cut their heads off.

[Bert Kreischer]

I go. I go, he's too young to know that you don't share those stories.

[Tom Segura]

I know. I'm like, holy. I go, how did that make you feel? And he goes, happy. He goes, it made me feel happy. I go, to Cut their heads off. He goes, yeah, I love it. I love chainsaws. Okay, you want pancakes? What do you want to eat right now? So he thinks about death too.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, God. He thinks about it the other way. I think about it the other one way.

[Tom Segura]

So wait, you're seeing. You're seeing these people deteriorate, and then you're just going, like, how long do I have left till it happens to me?

[Bert Kreischer]

I can't. You know, it's a real reflection of. I don't know if it's. I don't know if it's regional, meaning, like, they're all in rural Georgia.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so, like, it's not like it's. You know, it bums me out that you go to where they make. They grow the cows and they grow the food and they grow it. But you go to their store, the Piggly Wiggly, and it's all processed shit. It bums me out that you go to their Walmart. It's all processed shit.

[Tom Segura]

So you think some of their health stuff is just environmental, that they just.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know. I mean, I have to live more unhealthy than these people, huh?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, I see.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, I have to. But I'm. But yet I'm here. I am every morning working out. I was doing. I did this. What was it? Devil's Press burner of. You do two and add two for every minute. And I'm down there. I'm working out. I run every day. I went in Hawaii. I ran every morning at seven in the morning and then went surfing every day from, like, 8. I got to tell you about surfing. I got to tell you about surfing. But. But. But I'm literally going like, I can't understand. I don't understand how. How 50 in rural Georgia looks like 60, and 50 in LA looks like 45, you know, like, sure. And it was just crazy. And then I was. I would get sad like, I don't know.

[Tom Segura]

Good.

[Bert Kreischer]

Doesn't anyone. Doesn't anyone watch rope swing videos? Yeah. Like, they had a rope swing at the lake house.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was like, absolutely not. I've been tempting fate so hard.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

No goddamn way I'm getting on this rope swing.

[Tom Segura]

No. I would have said no hard pass.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Too many videos I've seen, bro.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey, how about the video I sent you this morning? Langston University HBCUs, dude, I watched. I Deep Dove. Langston University is the only HBCU in all of Oklahoma. And so that means all the black people in Oklahoma go to Langston University. They don't want to go to an hbcu. Sure. Right. And that those fraternity. Meet the Meet the Greeks. Looks so much fun.

[Tom Segura]

It looked like a carnival cruise is what it looked like. Yeah, you know, we're about to set sail.

[Bert Kreischer]

We have a person of color that works for us in the building.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, when did you do that?

[Bert Kreischer]

It was a mistake. We just read the resume and we didn't do an in person meeting. And then next thing you know.

[Tom Segura]

I've never seen her do that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I thought it was a female. It's a female. We thought it was a dude. Her name's Kyle. We thought it was Kyle. They don't make black Kyle's.

[Tom Segura]

So is it K a Y apostrophe E I. Okay, I get it.

[Bert Kreischer]

By the way, she's listening downstairs losing. No, she's not. Good. Okay, but I said, I showed her. She went to an HBCU and I showed her the video. And I go, how.

[Tom Segura]

Thanks for making her come in the back cuz I didn't see her on the whip. Keep going.

[Bert Kreischer]

She, she.

[Tom Segura]

I think she's going to have a problem with it now. Go keep it.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, she, she's. I, I feel bad. She really is awesome. She, she's, she's at our house all the time. She's at our house all the time. And it's so such a testament to being a good person that you don't say anything up when there's just someone that just is in a different room. Then all of a sudden a black woman walks in. You're like, I haven't said anything wrong. I'm a good person. But, but she's, I said to her today, but, but I do say wild like I, I am me. And so like today I showed her the video. I said, how cool is that? That like that like these kids just sober, having fun. No one's drunk, they're just having a great time. And she goes, why aren't, why don't you think they're drunk? And I was like, cuz, who says they're good kids? She goes, what? What? She's like, I think that's racist. She goes, you don't think black kids are drunk in college? I was like, no, just white kids. White kids get drunk in college. Black kids go to get an education. And she was like, ah, that's some weird racist. And I was like, I was like, wait. She was like, we did, all we did was get fucked up at hbcu. And I was like, for real? Because I watched that video when you watch that? Don't you see them kind of just having a good time? I don't see. It doesn't. I don't see booze anywhere. I just saw, like, Delta, hell, nah. Delta. I loved. I watched. I deep dove that tomorrow for the whole morning. I. And it cheered me up ear to ear.

[Tom Segura]

It looked like a lot of fun. It reminded me of, like, marching bands. You know, like, black marching bands are the. They're so much more fun.

[Bert Kreischer]

What's better, a black marching band or a step show?

[Tom Segura]

Marching bands are kind of unbeatable.

[Bert Kreischer]

No step shows.

[Tom Segura]

Halftime at an HBCU is unbelievable.

[Bert Kreischer]

Step shows.

[Tom Segura]

I see what you're doing. I get it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

No step shows. What's up, Omega? I got it, but. Okay. They're going to let you in if you keep doing it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I. I'll pitch it right now. I got nothing. School starting. Anyone need a house dad? Maybe? That looks really weird.

[Tom Segura]

That sounds funny.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, just drop house.

[Tom Segura]

Just say, well, actually, no, that sounds worse if you're like, does anyone need a dad? I know culturally how that adds up.

[Bert Kreischer]

I just drooled. I just drooled. I just drooled. Horrible.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So I would love to. It. I would love to be like a. Like a frat dad where, like, I go in and I. Yeah. I like, organize stuff and pay for stuff and.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I mean, are you glad to be off tour?

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm not. I'm still working like crazy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, but you're not touring, like, does that.

[Bert Kreischer]

I gotta be honest with you. I miss touring. I'd rather be touring. I don't like any of the other stuff. I like touring more than anything. I actually look at people on tour and I get jealous and sad that I'm not on tour because I'm so much healthier on tour. You are healthier, dude. I am.

[Tom Segura]

I thought that would be where you're not healthier.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, everything's dialed in. I never have a drink before fucking, like, 10:30 at night because I'm. Yeah, because I'm working. If I. If I'm. If I'm doing stand up, I'll have my drink at the end of the show or when I get off. And sometimes I don't even drink after the show. Smoke a little weed, get in the bed, listen to a documentary on tarpon fishing, and I'm out. And then. And now I get, like, in Hawaii, all I did was go, like. So I remember, like, casually going, what time's the bar open? And they're like, 11:30. And I was like, where would someone get a drink if they wanted to get a drink before 11:30? And they're like, no, we have a, we have a Mini Martin there. You can get like a little bottle of vodka. I was like, no, just saying like I'm done. I've just got done surfing. I just work out like what? I got nothing left to do today but drink and smoke weed.

[Tom Segura]

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[Bert Kreischer]

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[Tom Segura]

Were you able to, did you bring weed or did you get it?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I brought so much weed to Hawaii because what I start doing is I start going like, did you declare.

[Tom Segura]

It on the agricultural checklist?

[Bert Kreischer]

No. Do you know Whitney did that?

[Tom Segura]

She did.

[Bert Kreischer]

Going into Canada. We're on, we're walking. We get off the plane and I was like, hey, does anyone have weed? Because I don't know if it's legal in Edmonton or wherever we were. And Whitney's like, I have gummies and I have some dog walkers. I have some joints. And I was like, cool. So we go in, it's me, Steph, Tollef and Whitney. We go into customs, they put up the little signs and Whitney says, what do we put if we do have weed? And I went, what are you doing? And the guy's like, you have marijuana? And she was like, yeah. And she declared her marijuana. They took her into a room. I was like, why would you. We all have a vape pen or something. Don't declare it. You just go through and if they find it, you go, oh, I can't believe that's in this bag.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then she declared it. They brought her a different room. She gave them the gummies. She kept a joint. I don't know why she didn't tell them about the joint. She gave them the gummies and then they let her go. They were like, cool. Thanks for declaring it.

[Tom Segura]

Oh my God. That's better than when they found a half a pound of weed on my bus there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tell me that story again. Tell me that story again.

[Tom Segura]

I wasn't there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Your bus driver, he was like. And he had got cuffed.

[Tom Segura]

He got cuffed. And they're like, you're going to jail. This is trafficking.

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, because what it was is in the bus, you know how you do venues and a lot of times people are like, here's fucking some barbecue sauce. And you're like, great. You know, here's some hats. And you're like, thank you. And apple cider. And they give you stuff and you just, you start collecting it. Like, it's rude to leave it. So you just go, I will definitely enjoy this. And so you bring it on the bus and you just throw it into a closet. And when I did la, because it's la, somebody had given us tons of weed, but I didn't ever like grasp it because it was one of the high end companies that like the, you know, I mean, like the vacuum sealed pouches are, have designs on it. You're like, I thought these were like new chips or some, you know, like, like they have like colors and flavors. And I just was like, thank you. And it was a basket of like 20 different bags, jars, and it was all weed. And I just like threw it in a closet. And I didn't even know it was there. I didn't even know. I swear I didn't know it was there. So we're touring with it, going everywhere. And then I'm like, yeah, we'll meet you in Vancouver, whatever, see you there next week. And then I get the call, they're like, he's been cuffed. And then they're like, this is. Then when he tells the customs guy, he's like, it's not mine. The custom guy, they're customs guys. He goes, you're the driver, you're alone. This Is yours. And he's like, but I. He goes, I don't care what you say. That's yours. Everything is yours because it's just you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And then he's just like. And he happens to. He's like, I. I'm just driving to this for a client. Like, he's still not saying. And then he goes, who are you driving? And he said my name. And he just so happened to say it to a customs guy that was a fan. And then he. The guy was like, oh, for real? He's like, oh, yeah, I'm a big fan. Uncuffed him and was like. And let him keep it. And goes, just no. He goes, tell him to finish this shit before you cross the border again. And then shut the up. Yeah, he was. He was in a real panic. The driver was like, hey, man, you just almost ruined my life. I was like, yeah, sorry. I got him a gun to make up for it.

[Bert Kreischer]

But we used to have to take. We used to have to take. Ron would get. Rent hotel rooms right by the border to leave his gun. And then we'd have to leave his gun. And then I'd put my weed in there. We get a hotel room to leave, stash a bunch of.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, really?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

That's cool stuff. That's cool. Thoughtful.

[Bert Kreischer]

I miss Ron so much.

[Tom Segura]

What's he doing now?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, he's still driving. He's driving. He just drove. He's driving. I was just texting with one of his. Oh, he just drove 85 south. Oh, I would. I would pay money to be on that bus.

[Tom Segura]

That'd be a fun.

[Bert Kreischer]

The amount of talking on that goddamn bus. Oh, yeah, yeah. We. The last time we went into Canada, I was doing a promo. We were on the bus, and I said, I got all my weed in a bucket in a box. And I was like, yo, Canada, I'm coming your way. And I'm getting rid of all the weed. Customs. There's no reason to stop me. This is all my weed. And I was like, maybe I'll just keep a little bit. And then I was like, but all my weed is off the bus. You do not need to stop me. Well, I didn't realize that if you call out, Canadian customs, people are going to be like, yo, we need to. We need to wait for this guy by the border. So, like, so we're driving through it like four in the fucking morning, and we go to go to cross the border. And they're like, everyone off the bus. And I get out and the guy's like, man, you put up that video that. Our supervisor sent that to everyone. He was like, we've been waiting for you. Like, we've. We were wondering who was going to get you. And I had told Peter and Kyle, my White Kyle. I had told Kyle, White Kyle, White Kyle to clear the bus off with all the drugs. And these two ninnies absolutely did not. No, no, they didn't check everywhere. I said, make sure we're going. I just posted a video calling out customs. Make sure they went through that bus with a fine tooth comb. And they didn't catch any vape pen. They missed four blunts. There were. We had weed. We had weed on. We had so many edibles. They got. Peter and Kyle did not catch any of our drugs. But they didn't. They didn't. They were cool. They didn't find it. I don't think they. I don't think they can find a vape pen, to be honest with you. And so. But what's. What's cool is the guy's like, you know, he had to sit for, like, an hour, and he was like. As they went through all our buses, and he was like. He was like, yo, you know you posted that video. We're sorry, man. We didn't want to have to do this. Like, he's like, you know, we're fans, you guys. Do you know what he did? He was like, just for your problems, for your troubles, here's a bunch of confiscated Cuban cigars. And no shit. He gave you a box of Cuban cigars.

[Tom Segura]

That's awesome. Customs can work out. There's also the thing that always blows my mind is that, like, when you travel, like, normal, like, you just fly in somewhere, you go through the whole process of, like, walking through airports, and then customs is a whole thing. And you declare and you talk to an agent, you talk to another agent, then you walk. And then when you're, like, touring, sometimes we pull in and they're like, what are you guys doing? We're like, well, we're going to do shows. And they're just like, just go ahead. You're never gonna look at our passports or anything. And they're like, no, you're good. And you're like, okay. That makes me feel safe.

[Bert Kreischer]

Thanks. I brought my stash of weed to Hawaii. I brought, like, pre rolls of Blue Dream. There were like 18 of those. I had. I had roughly. I thought I had roughly five vape pens. And then I had edibles. The mint edibles. Those little kiva mints. Yeah, 2 milligrams of mint. And then I got to Alabama and realized in the back where my computer was, there were. It was my stash from the last trip. So I had three vape pens in there and weed in there. And I was like, son of a bitch. And then I went to go Leave It. I was like, I'm gonna leave it in Alabama, and just for the next time I come here. And I usually do that. I never. But I always bring new stuff anyway. But I went to leave it and someone else in that family smoking weed. I found a bunch of dog walkers, and I was nice. Oh, interesting. Who else smokes weed in this family?

[Tom Segura]

That's pretty cool. Maybe that's the cause of their health problems.

[Bert Kreischer]

Would you think you'll smoke weed in front of your kids?

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Probably not ever.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, it's. It seems like it's pretty far away for me to say for sure, but I don't think so. These kids are kids.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know.

[Tom Segura]

They don't have a clue about that stuff yet.

[Bert Kreischer]

They caught me once.

[Tom Segura]

How'd it go?

[Bert Kreischer]

They told on me.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, of course.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was smoking a joint in the backyard, thinking I was cool by my fire pit. And they came out, and I threw it in the fire pit, thinking it would catch on fire. And it just sat there illuminated, like it's a gas fire pit. It just sat there. And then they came out and smelled it. They're like, wait, are you smoking weed? And I was like, don't tell Mom. And they're like, mom. And I was like, you guys bitches. You're grounded. You're gonna get grounded.

[Tom Segura]

Dad, do they smoke weed?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Yeah, I think they do. I mean, I don't know. I told. I think so. Yeah. I. I said to. I said. I called out Isla because I brought everybody to Alabama. And I was like. I asked Leanne, Leanne's cousin Stephanie, if she wanted to get high. She went, no. And I said, have you ever smoked pot? She went, no. And I went, isla has. And I was like, dad, do you know what my daughters did the other day?

[Tom Segura]

Tom Coke.

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Tom Segura]

Oh. What?

[Bert Kreischer]

They asked my body count.

[Tom Segura]

They did? Did you go, and what's yours? I'll tell if you tell me yours.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think they're both at zero.

[Tom Segura]

Zero.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm almost positive they're both at zero. Maybe Georgia. I don't know. But I think they're both at zero. I really think they're both at zero.

[Tom Segura]

Did you tell them?

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, okay. I want to know how you feel about this. Okay, so we're at Leanne's lake house in Alabama and they just put up pictures of her grandparents and all the fun times they had at the lake house before this part of the house was built and when they all just lived in granny and pop's cabin and they put up all these pictures. And I look at one of the pictures and the pictures of Leanne's grandfather and this guy laughing. And I said, who's the guy? And Leanne goes, that's my ex boyfriend. And I was like, why the fuck would have a picture of him up? She goes, I don't know. And I was like, why would you guys do this? And they're like, I don't know.

[Tom Segura]

We love.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Yeah. So I took the picture down and I fucking hit it.

[Tom Segura]

So childish.

[Bert Kreischer]

Keep going, fuck them. And so I was like, this bullshit. I hid the picture and then now there's just a hook. There's a bunch of pictures in a hook with no picture. And so we get, we get into the car and Isla goes, that was pretty up. I go, yeah, right, does that. And Georgia was like, yeah, that's really messed up. And then they're like, you know, he's. He. He was really cute. And I was like, wait, easy. And they're like, no, he's a good looking guy. They're like, were your ex girlfriends pretty? I was like, what do you think are dogs? And they're like, no, I mean like, show us picture your ex girlfriend. And I was like, well, not now. Like when they were, when I met them, they were hot, you know, I'm not going to pull up now. And then Isla goes, wait, how many girlfriends have you had? I was like, I don't know, like six, seven. And then she looks at me and she goes, wait, what's your body count? And I was like, oh my God. I was like, are you being serious? And then Georgia starts laughing. She's like, yeah, what's your body count? And I said, six. And they're like, what? They're like, that's all the people you've had sex with? And I was like, that should seem like a lot to you too. Like, I want you to be like, whoa, how. Where did you meet all these people?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

But they're like, that's it. And they're like, what's mom's body count? And I was like, this conversation's over.

[Tom Segura]

Oh my God.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they're like, wait, mom's got more bodies than you. And I was like, shut the fuck up. And by the way, Leanne's in the front of the car with her dad. Her dad's deaf. He can't hear anything. So, like, the two of them are talking and me and the two of us are whispering, and I know Leanne can hear what we're talking about, and she's just like, hold on, Daddy. What? What are y'all talking about back there? And I was like, nothing.

[Tom Segura]

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[Bert Kreischer]

Gambling problem. Call 1-800-GAMBLER in New York. Call 877-8-HOPENY or text hopeny467-369 in Connecticut. Help is available for problem gambling. Call 888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org Please play responsibly on behalf of Boothill Casino and Resort in Kansas, 21 and over. Age and eligibility varies by jurisdiction. Voight In Ontario, bonus bets expire 168 hours after ISS terms and responsible gaming resources. See DKNG Co FTBall NFL plus premium offer available only to new and former NFL subscribers. Additional NFL plus premium [e-mail] terms Alex, do you want canned cranberry sauce or should we make it ourselves? That's my mom. She didn't know about Instacart's family carts. So, wanna make pecan pie this year, yes or no? Oh, and how many boxes of stuffing? So I told her we could just share a family card and add all our holiday favorites to the same order without losing our voices or our sanity.

[Tom Segura]

It's so much fun.

[Bert Kreischer]

Alex, can you get my holiday village out of the attic? Baby steps, Alex.

[Tom Segura]

Baby steps.

[Bert Kreischer]

Shop Instacart this holiday season and enjoy free delivery on your first three orders. Service fees and terms apply.

[Tom Segura]

Alex, do you know her?

[Bert Kreischer]

Count it's not that much more. I think it's like eight.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

But it's definitely higher than mine. Mine's like. Mine's like. Mine look like. Comes with a story like six. And they're like, yeah. Did you serve time in prison or something?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

How long were you in the military?

[Tom Segura]

And you're like, what?

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, did you work for the peace? Are you gay?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I don't know. That'd be weird to talk about with your kids, for sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my daughter's. It's weird because Isla leaves. Isla leaves for college this week, and Georgia leaves this week, and it's over. My. My family's over. It's over. It's over. It's over, dude. It's over.

[Tom Segura]

You're gonna have. You're gonna have grandkids next.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I don't think so. Although I did ask them if they wanted to have kids.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And, you know, and both of them said they wanted to have kids. And then they said, because mom was such an amazing mom, it inspired me to be a parent. And I went, well, what about me? And they're like, you were around.

[Tom Segura]

That's the same speech I'm gonna get from my boys. So I can imagine. They're always just like, mom's the best. And I'm like, yeah, but I mean. Yeah. What did they say the other night? They were like, I know. Julian goes, I never want mom to die. And Ellis goes, yeah, mom or dad? And then Julian goes, yeah, Mom. I was like, right. Just Mom.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just Mom.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Cool. I. They. They said. I said to Georgia, I was like, what are you thinking about? She goes, when you die, I'm gonna keep your necklace. And I was like, whoa. I was like, that was. You were just thinking about. And she was like, yeah, what are you thinking about? And I was like, I was hungry. I think we gave you something to eat.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think it's so funny. There's. There's things about your necklace. She goes, I think I should get it. And I was like, yeah, you should. And. And it made sense. It's like, Isla would get it, but then never wear it. George would get it, she'd wear it, and she'd think about me. George is very thoughtful. It's so funny, you know, the girls have grown up, and there's so many times where they're like, they're young adults, and. And you see it in them. When you go to eat, you don't see the little kid anymore. Like, when you. When you get on a plain. You know, they're like, they got. They're in their own heads. And Georgia. Georgia, such a weird person. I mean. I mean this with love, but, like, she reads Tom. She'll read a book that, like, no one's heard of, and then she'll take notes on the book while she reads it. She'll read it and then write inside the book with a pen. That's usually right.

[Tom Segura]

Smarter people do. Yeah, Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I. I don't understand. I kept the whole through. Why. I go, what. What do you like about. What are you thinking? Like, you. They. These sentences make you think. And she was like, yeah, I get inspired and then I have a thought. I write down my thought. I go, don't you just want to get done with the fucking book? She goes, oh, I don't want the book to end. She's like, this is one of the best books. A book about Patti Smythe. I think it was her name. Patty Smythe, Patti Smith, I don't know. Punk rock lady. I don't know. No one's read the book ever. And George is the only one. And so then I was like. I was like, yo, can I give you books that I want you to read? Then you tell me about them. She's like, yeah, that's good.

[Tom Segura]

That'll be a fun memory for her one day.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, it's good. What I want. What I want. I said. I said to her, I'm going to send you books. And then you read the first. First 50 pages is like the most boring in the world.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then once you get out of that, you. That's when you decide if it's a good book. I'm not.

[Tom Segura]

You'll give it 50.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, me, no, I give it. I give it. Like, I never read the prologue.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I never read the foreword, any of that. It's like, put that. If you want me to read it, call it chapter one.

[Tom Segura]

Call it chapter one.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah. I'm not. Don't call it prologue, because that looks like fucking homework for me.

[Tom Segura]

That's like, how long will you give it before you say, this is some bullshit, though? I'm not reading this.

[Bert Kreischer]

I needed to. I needed to start pretty quick. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

No, I agree.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Like pipe 20 pages. 20.

[Tom Segura]

Ryan Holiday said this great thing about that one time because I was telling him about, like, quitting a book.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And he was like, yeah, you should. He goes, you should.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

If he goes, that's the. That's a. That's the author's fault. So don't feel bad about quitting one. You quit It. If you. If it doesn't grab your attention, if you don't like it, it's not a good book. That's the author's responsibility. But pick up another one.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And you know, see if that one. But like, you know, just stay reading. But don't feel an obligation to finish a book that if you're reading it, you know, it's like anything else. Like you're eating something, you're like, this sucks. You don't go, well, I'm just gonna eat all this food. It sucks. Like, just don't eat it.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, I went. I got James Michener. Do you know who he is?

[Tom Segura]

I don't.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. James Michener is. Let me see if I can read a description of him. He is a fiction. A genre bending fiction writer.

[Tom Segura]

Wait, very importantly. Let me just. Please just remembered.

[Bert Kreischer]

Go.

[Tom Segura]

I just went on sale with Boston at TD Garden and Austin at the Moody Center. They're on sale and it'[e-mail] tour get tickets. They're in early 25. Thank you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, oh, that reminded me, I have nothing on sale. The Boston Garden. That's gonna be fun as.

[Tom Segura]

That's gonna be fun. So is. Moody's gonna be great. I can't wait.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Moody. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Home date.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was my last. My last tour. So James Mishner, I just want to give you. I want to explain who he is. Most of his books are fictional family sagas covering the lives of many generations set in geographic locales, incorporating detailed history events. So he writes a history book based on characters that he comes up with, based on real life things that happened in history.

[Tom Segura]

Wait, he makes up stuff based on history?

[Bert Kreischer]

He makes up the families. Okay, so like they're not real people, but he bases it in real historical moments. Okay, so the book is. I like history books. So it's a history book, but kind of.

[Tom Segura]

Did you watch Turning Point?

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, what is that?

[Tom Segura]

The nine part docu series about the Cold War?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes, I did.

[Tom Segura]

It's fantastic.

[Bert Kreischer]

On. On Netflix. Yeah, it's amazing. It's. It's amazing. Dude, it is. It's amazing.

[Tom Segura]

I didn't realize how good it is. It's so well produced and how informative and how much you don't know. And then you watch that, you're like, oh my God, it's incredible. Sorry, keep going. About.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm. I just. I just listened to a documentary about. About the Russian the second revolution they had tried to do in 1991 to Mikhail Gorbachev. They had a revolution to get him out of office and try to kill Yeltsin.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. It's covered the attendant coup against Gorbachev.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, that's what I was talking about. That's where I saw it. Yeah. So Mishnah writes historical books. This is. Okay, so remember this? I'm quitting sins. Okay. And so I start reading this book, Hawaii. So, like, he does one called the Caribbean, where it's all about the history of the Caribbean. Really great. When you travel to a place to read a missionary book.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I remember when I was a kid, James Mishner died in 1997. He lived in Austin. Right. But I remember when I was a kid, my uncle was like, if you're going to travel, read Missioner, because he explains the place you're going to, and it gives you the history of that place, and it's really fun. It makes the traveling, it makes the reading fun because you're there.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So I. So I'm like, all right, cool. I'm going to go. I'm going to read Hawaii. It's one of his books. I'm going to read Hawaii. I'm going to Hawaii. I mean, it starts. And it starts about the development of the islands in Hawaii, about these two brothers, one's a king, and how they live in Bora Bora, but they're getting human sacrifices and they need to get off their island. It's really fascinating. And then they travel to Hawaii. They take the boat to Hawaii. They. And, like, they don't have kids, like, because they just bring men. And then all those. They make a trip back to Bora Bora, and the women are like, what do you want us to get? You know, like pigs or anything. And they're like, bring back children. This place is dead. It's like, really fascinating. Right? Then it talks about the. The. The Yale settlers that came out to bring Christianity to the islands. And then it talks about the Hawaiians. And this is an audio book. And I'm listening to it in the middle of the night, and I'm sleeping. Now I forget that this book was written in 1956. Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Some colorful language, buddy.

[Bert Kreischer]

When the Hawaiians talked, I woke up laughing hysterically. It was so racist. It was like, me no wahn, no wampum. It was so bad. And I was like. I was like, who the fuck? Because I forgot that this audiobook was. This book was written in 1956. Right. So I'm like, who the fuck? What? It is so overtly racist. But clearly, you know, the publishers back There, like, sounds, right?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Sounds good to me, island folks.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I could not stop laughing, and I couldn't listen to the rest of the books. I was like, I can't. I can't sit through this.

[Tom Segura]

Nice.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, I'm. I can't take it serious. I forgot it's a problem. I said to a history guy one time, I said, you know, I read some of these books, like, about Native Americans. Like one of the ones that Joe recommended.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was like. I was like, it doesn't. It doesn't. Like, it's not a good look for the Native Americans. And he was like, you got to remember a lot of these books were written by old racist white men.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, for sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I was like, oh, yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

That starts to paint it a different color. I like it. Yeah. This is like my uncle talking. I love this book, by the way. I. I couldn't begin to guess why this photo is up on the screen. Oh, I've been looking at this, and I'm like. I'm like, what could you possibly want to tell me? And I'm really. It's like a game I'm playing in the background of my mind of, like, a car and a half parked on a street in front of a. I'm like, okay, what is this?

[Bert Kreischer]

What gender do you think parked that car?

[Tom Segura]

What gender? Oh, now I see.

[Bert Kreischer]

Taking up three spaces. What gender do you think lives in a world where taking up three spaces isn't something that they'd notice?

[Tom Segura]

A female minority. No, she's very white. Okay, I got. I got it halfway right.

[Bert Kreischer]

You got it right. Is women only? Women park like this where they go, huh? What?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, there's not enough. I got you. You can't put a car behind it now because you'll block the driveway. And you can't put a car in front of it and the other car because it's too. Yeah, that's.

[Bert Kreischer]

We. We pulled in last night from. From whatchamacallit. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And wait, you know who parked this?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah, that's Rachel Ardelin. That's one of our employees. Rachel Ardland parked like that. She parked like that. Just like, oh, here's a spot. I'll take all of them.

[Tom Segura]

Did you. I'm assuming that you wrote her heart about this, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, it's on our chat thread right now. That's all anyone's saying.

[Tom Segura]

And how did she respond? I'll tell you, that's always interesting to hear the explanation.

[Bert Kreischer]

Her explanation was, I'm a three girl spot. I'm a three spot girl.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it's called Let me not accept responsibility.

[Bert Kreischer]

She said, just to be fair, there. Someone could park in front of me and behind me. Yeah, those little tiny BMWs that are five feet long.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah. No, that's a terrible parking job. Good call.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. The Shamer.

[Tom Segura]

Shamer. Every day.

[Bert Kreischer]

You should.

[Tom Segura]

Well, you should frame this photo.

[Bert Kreischer]

We. We should. We. We pulled in from the airport last night in from Alabama, and a woman had parked in front of our driveway.

[Tom Segura]

Block the driveway.

[Bert Kreischer]

Parked in front of our driveway. And I was going to lose my shit on her. And I had been drinking and I was gonna fucking. And she was out. She had just parked it. And we were pulling in. She had just parked it. And I. And my neighbor was cool. He came out and he was like, yo, you can't park in front of someone's driveway. She was like, oh, I didn't know that was their driveway. I was like, no, that's the indention where it meets the street. That's how you know that's not a curb. That's the driveway. So I didn't see it.

[Tom Segura]

I just. I waved somebody down today on a oneway. He was driving the wrong way on a oneway. There's a black dude. And I go, hey, you're going, this is a one way. He goes, oh. He goes, oh, okay. Like, okay. I go, yeah, you can turn around right here. He goes, I know how to turn around. And I was like, okay, all right.

[Bert Kreischer]

I told you. Do you remember me? Did I ever tell you a story about when a famous rapper and gang member lived next door to me? And I do remember. They blocked our driveway.

[Tom Segura]

I remember. Who was it? You can say who it was.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was yg. Yeah, yeah, YG was. It was.

[Tom Segura]

But if I remember correctly, your wife wanted to be aggressive.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah. YG has his buddy gets out of jail, and so they're throwing a party for him. And. And I met all of YG's friends one day. They were. They were moving a Mercedes. They were getting it put on the back of a flatbread. A flatbed. Flat.

[Tom Segura]

Flatbread is what you eat, but, yeah, flatbed. Yeah, I got it. I know you're hungry. It's fucking. It's hungry. It's time to eat.

[Bert Kreischer]

They're putting on the back of a flatbed. And I was. Wait. I was out waiting. It was. Hang on. So just to be fair, they were our next door neighbors, and Leanna had called me and told me, I hate when you're the thing that you have to do isn't cool. And it doesn't sound real. Leanna called me and said, hey, do you want to go get ice cream? And I was like, I would love to get ice cream. She goes, meet me out front. So I walk out front, and they happen to be putting this car in the back of a flatbed in front of my driveway. So it looks like I'm coming to say, can you get out of here? But it's. All YG's guys are there. I don't know if YG was there, but all his boys are. And. And I was like, hey, what's up? And they're like, we'll be out of here in a second. And I was like, I'm just getting ice cream. And they're like, huh? I was like, oh, fuck. I was like, my wife's coming to pick me up. We're going to get ice cream. And they're like, really?

[Tom Segura]

I was like, yeah, that's tight.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was like, yeah, Yeah. I was like, this is what it's like to be white, man. We go get ice cream. And then I was like, you guys want to come?

[Tom Segura]

And they're like, no, we're good.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you guys like ice cream? Jamaica get you something to bring some back.

[Tom Segura]

You like a bowl or a cone, Sprinkles on it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Sprinkles are still cool, man. They still work. I said to the guy, I said. I tried to change the subject. I go, I like this car. And the guy goes, do you? And I, like, kind of shitty. And I went, yeah. And he goes, you have the same car? And I said, I do. And he said, yeah. And I said, my car doesn't look like this. He goes, we have a. There's a kit on this. We're going to replace the kit, but, yeah, you should get your Windows 10. That was when I asked you, should I get my windows tinted? Because he was like, you should get your windows, tenant. And I was like, really? He's like, yeah, everyone can see you in your car. I was like, oh, this is a cool car. And then Leanne comes up, this country bumpkin. All these guys are wearing red. She's like, you all going to practice? And I was like, oh, shut the up. You guys got a game today. I was like, man, they're in a gang. Let's go. Let's go. The gang members. Let's go. What? I love red. Shut the fuck up, Leanne. And so we get in the car to go get ice cream. But I talked to that guy. We were Talking about shoes. And he was like, yeah, I'm starting a new. We've got a shoe company. And I was like, dude, I love shoes. And just bullshit. And he goes, yeah, I think I followed him on Instagram, or he gave me my number. His number, and just texted. So then, like, two nights later, they got a buddy. I remember I was in the hot tub and I texted you. You texted me? And you're like, hey, man, your neighbor's throwing a party. And you sent one of the videos, and they were throwing guns and money in the center. A bunch of girls were dancing. And I heard the party from my hot tub, and I was like, wait, there's firearms next door to me right now. Like, someone's getting out of prison today. I'm in real time. It was a wild moment. So I go inside, and Leanne goes, someone's blocking her driveway. I'm calling tow truck. I was like, no, no, no, no, no. That's YG's friends. Like, those are his buddies. We're not going to go. She goes, he ain't going to do. He's the neighbor. He's neighbor. I'm. He ain't going to do. And I was like, no, YG's not. But his guy, who is his boy, who needs to prove that there's a reason that he's on the payroll. He's going to come beat us and piss on us. Like, we need to keep your fuck. Do not. Like. By the way, I go, also, he's our neighbor. Like, let. I'm not. I was like. And she goes, well, then go over and talk to him. I go walking over, fucking knocking on the door where they're throwing handguns and money on top of strippers. I'm not going to. And I was like, God damn it. And so I called his buddy, and I was like. I was like, hey, man. I was like, I. I don't know if it's one of your people, but there's a car block in our driveway. And, you know. You know, whatever. And he just hits me up immediately. He's like, dude, I'm not at the party, but good looking out. I really appreciate that. I'll get it moved in a second. And then I walked out front, and YG came out, and he was like, hey, man, thank you very much. And I was like, no, of course. Got in the car, moved it. And he was like, I'm so sorry. And it was when we were under construction a little bit, too, because you couldn't really. There was a chain link Fence across the thing so it maybe kind of didn't look like a driveway.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so. And so. But he was really cool. And I was like, that's how you handle it, Leanne. You don't just. And then randomly, we're at the Rams game the next weekend, and YG is in the suite next to us, and I'm like, shut the fuck up. I was like, yo. And then they all. They all came over and came over, had a drink. And then, you know, one of Leon's friends called the cops, so.

[Tom Segura]

That's cool. It's good neighbor stuff, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

Security showed up. They're like, what's going on in here? I was like, they're my friends, and they're like, oh, I didn't know. I just thought to. Okay, I'm sorry.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. Sorry.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was like, what the.

[Tom Segura]

Usually when I see this much red, I just call.

[Bert Kreischer]

They were playing the Cardinals that day.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

They were playing the Cardinals. And so, yeah, it was a good fit. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

That is nice. It's nice.

[Bert Kreischer]

Why, Cheese, man? Can I tell you? I got, like. I get obsessed with things very easily.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Wait, is this still your neighbor?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no, no, no. It's Machine Gun Kelly now.

[Tom Segura]

I think he's your neighbor.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I think so. He just bought a new boat at the house. I saw it today. It's a beautiful boat.

[Tom Segura]

He pulls the boat into the house.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, front. Front. I might think it's Machine Gun Kelly. I don't know who it is. It's someone. It's always a huge music artist. There's a studio inside that.

[Tom Segura]

But you're just randomly guessing it's Machine Gun Kelly.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I know it was Machine Gun Kelly. He's been in and out, but, yeah, I don't really, like, go over and ask for butter or anything, so I don't know who's there right now, but I think it's Machine Gun Kelly. And there's a huge truck, and he just bought a huge boat. And I'm so jealous. Yeah. I'm like, God, man. Dude, boats are. Why don't we ever go out on your boat?

[Tom Segura]

We can.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you know how to drive it? Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Take it out all the time.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, you don't.

[Tom Segura]

Yes, I do.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you really?

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you wakeboard or do you wake surf at all?

[Tom Segura]

No, I haven't done that. Well, we can do it.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right. I'm gonna make a trip because now that I don't have children anymore, I'm gonna make a trip down to Austin and stay for a While.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm gonna stay for a while. I'm gonna. I'm gonna stay at Shane's house.

[Tom Segura]

Do it.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's empty, right?

[Tom Segura]

Probably, yeah. He's doing stuff.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's in Philly, I think, Right?

[Tom Segura]

I don't know.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey. Okay. Can I tell you what I'm obsessed with right now?

[Tom Segura]

Is it not wherever YG moved to?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know. What were we talking about that.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. You were just saying.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, no, no. I was obsessed with yg, But I was obsessed. Like, he's like a. I don't know. Like, I'm always fascinated when you see, like, the other side of people. Like, Matt McCusker had a video of he posted with him and his son on his lap or his daughter on his lap, and he was reading a book by himself. Like, he was reading a book, and it's, like, taking care of his kid. But he was reading. And I was like, oh, wow, that's so weird. Like, I can't imagine, like, being interested in reading something, but when you. Like. Like when I. I saw a video of yg, like, doing math with his son or his daughter and he was breaking it down for. And I was like, oh, I never did that. Like, I love when you see. No, man, I did not.

[Tom Segura]

You never read a book to one of your kids and was like, this is about.

[Bert Kreischer]

I couldn't.

[Tom Segura]

Why not?

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm dyslexic, first of all, so I have a hard time reading, and I would. I was broke then, and so I would.

[Tom Segura]

Wait, you say that, but you also do read. Like, I've seen.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know.

[Tom Segura]

So how do you know?

[Bert Kreischer]

I. I don't know, man. I can do. I can do re. You know, I. I don't know. Like, I misread. I misread. I misread something the other day. It's the reason I don't read comments is I misread things, and then I get in and out of there and I get angry, and then I. And then. It's not what I read. It's not the real thing they wrote. I'll misread it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And it's so. It's. I don't know. My dyslexia. I can read. I can read fine. And I can read prompter. I gotta practice it. I can't do it. Like, I gotta do it a couple times. You know, I'm not good at, like, on the fly reading. Like, there's dudes like Jake, Paul, Logan. Paul can legit read out loud.

[Tom Segura]

That's pretty impressive.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's because you don't expect that from him. You know, you don't expect him to be learned.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, you don't expect it. Like when you think of their childhood, you don't think of them like Mario Lopez. Great out loud reader.

[Tom Segura]

Great out loud reader.

[Bert Kreischer]

Great out loud reader.

[Tom Segura]

Tom Brokaw, dude. One of the.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tom Brokaw. I just watched a documentary on Dan Rather. Great.

[Tom Segura]

Also great out loud reader. A lot of those time news anchors can pull that off.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, just watch a documentary on Julio Cesar Chavez.

[Tom Segura]

And how was that?

[Bert Kreischer]

I didn't realize. I didn't realize. I didn't realize how fucking crazy that was. Like, it's a great. It's a. It's a movie, but it's a. It's about his life. So it's not a documentary really. It's a biopic. Yeah, it's a biopic. And dude, it was. It was awesome. He went on a 25 day hunger strike.

[Tom Segura]

For what?

[Bert Kreischer]

Grapes.

[Tom Segura]

He just wanted more.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, he didn't want. He. The Grape Pickers Association. Gapa was. They. They were horrific to the pickers.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, the migrants and everything.

[Bert Kreischer]

The migrant workers, they were horrific to them. They made $2 a day. And he was like, yo. He's like, honest days work, honest days pay. And they were like, go back to your country. And he was like, we're American, we're gonna stay here, but we just want to be compensated. And. How do you say strike in Spanish? Strike in espanol. Welga, Welga, Welga, Welga, Welga. And. And it just showed like all the work he did, like they walked from where they lived. It's like, I'm sure it was like probably like near Modesto or something. All the way to Sacramento.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And. And like thousands of people. Like, it's like those. One of those marches.

[Tom Segura]

His name is everywhere.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, bro, he's the man. He's the man. Especially out here. He's the man. He changed the lives for the majority of Mexicans. He was there. Martin Luther King.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Junior. Junior, right?

[Tom Segura]

Not senior.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know senior, but. But I get obsessed with things. Can I tell you? But I'm so. All of a sudden, I get obsessed with Julio now. I can't stop fucking. Am I saying his name right?

[Tom Segura]

It was a little off on that time, but go ahead.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is it just Cesar Chazz? Cheeza Cheese.

[Tom Segura]

Cheeza Chavez.

[Bert Kreischer]

I get so excited about talking. I don't say the words right sometimes. Okay. Julio sees our Chavez as the boxer. No, wait, where's Caesar Chavez? Ah, me I've been doing research on Julio Cesar Chavez.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. This is who you were thinking of.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I watched a documentary on Cesar Chavez.

[Tom Segura]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then started doing research on Julio Cesar Chavez.

[Tom Segura]

How is it?

[Bert Kreischer]

I was like, wow, these are two different stories almost. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

But I. My favorite thing right now about the Internet, because we got into a thing. Me and you were talking. Me and you and Joe and Ari were talking about how social media can. How one day they're going to look back and go, this is as bad as the opioid crisis. This is so bad for mental health.

[Tom Segura]

Terrible.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, it's. I wish we could get in exact details because that would be so juicy.

[Tom Segura]

There's going to be. There are just countless stories already about how it has.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just look at. If you just look at plastic surgery alone of. Of young ladies who don't need plastic surgery, getting plastic surgery to keep up with what they see on social media, that is heartbreaking. Heartbreaking.

[Tom Segura]

And then every once in a while, you also meet people. That's the other thing I've realized. You meet people sometimes who have zero social media presence. Like, through a conversation, like, they're just like, I don't have any of that. And you just realize how well adjusted they are. Like, how much healthier they are mentally and emotionally. Like, you can pick it up quickly. You're like, oh, you're not. You mean you're not shooting up? You're not taking the poison? Because it is. I think it is a poison.

[Bert Kreischer]

The girls, when we were in Hawaii, they looked at my screen time and my screen, and this is when I was quitting sins. Also, my screen time was 18 hours a day. It's pretty aggressive.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because what it is, is I'm on my phone roughly 18 hours a day now. There's cheek. I tried to defend it and go. I do listen to podcasts while I sleep, so that. That counts as while I'm sleeping. And they go, still, dad, even if you've slept for 10 hours, there's still eight hours you're on your phone. Like, on your fucking phone, eight hours. And I. And I don't use Instagram. I'm not Instagramming anything about me or comedy. I'm looking at things I'm interested in.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So, like, it does distract me, but at the same time, when you meet someone who doesn't have social media, you're like, oh, you're like a. What? You're like a throwback human.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, totally. Totally. I think it. I think it distorts people's Reality, it fucks up people's self esteem. People get lost in the attention, you know, approval of it all. And yeah, I think it fucks with people big time. It really does. And it also like, to your point about time, I mean, it can just suck away life. Like if somebody is really spending that much time day after day after day, then they're not involved in real life. Right. Like, like they're just like they're living in this thing. Then they jump into the real world. And that's the thing sometimes you can experience as you go like you get obsessed on something in social media. Then you go out in the real world, you're like, this is not what's actually happening. I'm in this, I'm in this matrix, this crazy place where this is not really happening. It's not positive, it's not positive.

[Bert Kreischer]

And it's not, you know, it's like only to touch on it for a second. But there was a clip I sent to you of Marc Maron and Bobby Lee talking about Marin having contrived beef with me. It wasn't real beef. He was talking about Dave Chappelle. People thought he was talking about me. I've talked to Marin about this. I talked about him in January. We're fine. But you know, but what's crazy about it, what's crazy is both Kalila and Bobby and it was, it was hard to compartmentalize because I went through it like I went through people sending me the clip and going, yo, he's talking about you.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I went through it and bummed me out. But both Bobby and Kyla in that clip are like, yeah, I remember it. That was awesome. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

They're like, it's exciting. It was fun. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And it's so crazy that.

[Tom Segura]

But, and here's the thing, that's how most people feel because it's like you're kind of like, it's, it's the, it's like a modern day form of gossip. Like seeing a clip where somebody is talking about somebody you know or you think they're talking about somebody you know. And it does be like, people do get excited by that because we've shared clips of other people.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You know, I mean, and you go like, oh no shit. So I mean, I get it. It is like, it's like a version of a reality show. You're like, oh my God, you see this person say this and then people get like, yeah, they get some type of rush from that whole thing. For sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's gossip. It's so wild because it does affect you. It affects you where? Like, when that was happening, I was like. I was really bummed out. And I was. And I was with you the day Marin called me or I called Marin called me or I called. We were together in Las Vegas. Yeah. And I was like, dude, did you see this? And then I go. I got. We were at the gym, and I was walking back from the gym, and I got back to the room, and Marin called me, and I was like. And then. And then, by the way, it didn't get better because I'm friends with Chappelle, so I'm like, well, okay, cool. I can never share this story. I can never defend myself about this. I just gotta let it sit and ripen where everyone thinks that you're shitting on me for doing arenas. And so I was like, I'm not gonna go, guys. He's actually talking about David. And then Marin said it. I was like, I can't believe you said that. I don't know why you. But whatever. Mark's. Mark's Mark, you know? And I love Mark. I don't have any, but it sucks when it's like, it's you. Here's the crazy part, right? Is like, I sent. I've been sending you clips of the. My favorite accounts on the Internet or on Instagram are hateful comment sections. The comment sections where, if it was you, it would hurt so bad. But when it's not you, it's hysterical. And I. I don't read comments because it does affect me. Like, it does. I. I will. It'll bum me out that someone will go this fat. All he does is take his shirt off. Like, it's. It's like the dumbest. The dumbest slam that is inaccurate to me is like, he's not funny. He never was funny. I go, I had to be a little funny. Like, are we gonna. It's like, never. Like, can you really say never? Can you really say never? I want to set that guy aside and go, never. I've never made you laugh. Never. Never.

[Tom Segura]

How to make you this. How to make you this angry?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. How did I make you so angry? Like, what am I. Can I. Can we work on us together? Can we get into couples therapy and figure out why you hate me and what I'm doing to make you hate me?

[Tom Segura]

I have, like, so much disdain come at me from people with little to no means. And it's just like, a constant barrage of Just like, I'm so poor. I don't. I Can't relate to anything you say. And I'm just like, okay, I don't know. Tell you. I donate to charities. Like, something positive has to come out of this. But it's constant. It's constant.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's. Well, you know, it's. It's so funny. The. When juvenile got kicked off the plane. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

What happened there? I don't understand this.

[Bert Kreischer]

So, okay, it happened to me one time.

[Tom Segura]

So juvie the great.

[Bert Kreischer]

Juvie the great is, by the way, 48 years old.

[Tom Segura]

He's on a flight, American Airlines flight. And the American Airlines is him in first class. Just to like paint this picture, it's him in first class. And he's like, they're trying to kick me off this flight. And you're like, wait, what? And then you see the pilot go, yeah, you need to go to. You need to go back to economy. Go to coach. You're like, what are you talking about? And so, like, the only things that come to mind are because at first you go, people get kicked off of flights and it's usually for, like, erratic behavior, but they're not like, go to coach. They're like, get off the plane. But this is pretty clearly go back to economy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And so I'm like, wait a minute. Are you saying he's in the wrong seat? Like he doesn't have the right seat? Or are you saying, I know you have this seat, but we're kicking you back there? And it's not clear from.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'll tell you, I don't know. It's a story as someone. It's happened to. It's happened to me. And, and what happens is, I guarantee you it was a 767 that they had. I can almost tell you, I can guess the plane it was. Maybe it was 757 or 767 and they gr. Downgraded it to an MD 80 or a 737 where there are less first class seats. And so in doing that, they then go by priority of how, how often you fly, how much you paid for your ticket, and you get to maintain your first class seats. And then people who have a discounted first class ticket or less priority, you've got to sit and coach. It happened to me, an American. I did. I bought a T class first class ticket. It was a cheap first class ticket. It was like first class for 600 bucks. I was like, I'm in. It's normally like 13.

[Tom Segura]

This explanation alone.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Is infuriating.

[Tom Segura]

Well, actually it's infuriating that this can happen. But I think it's also informative. Like, if somebody would go, like, it's a very confusing world, how.

[Bert Kreischer]

Here's what happens. So if you don't check in, if you don't know that this is happening and you still have your ticket and they let you on the plane, you still have a ticket says you can fly on this flight and you're at 1C. And so you'll go sit in 1C. And then they'll go, oh, shit, we didn't. We should have issued you a new ticket. And we should have discussed this. They should have discussed this with them at the counter. They did it to me on the plane, and I lost my shit.

[Tom Segura]

They told you were getting booted.

[Bert Kreischer]

They moved me from first class to coach in a middle seat. And I was like. And I got so livid, and I called Delta and I. And I. I tried to explain to the lady, listen, we're both not rich like me and you are not rich. If you were in first class and they moved you. And she was like, sir, there's nothing I can tell you other than there was a, a, a, a. We had to change planes. We had to do that. That is the only other option you have. They should have had this conversation with him out at the gate. Instead, he got on the plane and they sat down, and they had to have it with him on the thing. And I don't think juvie was in a place to hear or. And I wasn't. I wasn't when it happened to me.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so that's what happened. He's talked to American Airlines since I've been following it, but the reason I sent it to you, Tommy, this is what made me laugh so hard. The. The title of it is. The title of it is. Is, oh, it's from Kevin Clancy. That's why I said that. Oh, my God. It's from Kevin Clancy. I thought the news. I thought the news clip was, was, you're going to make me fly with the pores. And I thought it was. I thought it was on, like, cnn. And I was like, wait, what? You're gonna make me fly with the pores? And I go, did juvie say that? And it's probably Kevin just making fun of you saying that.

[Tom Segura]

Probably, yeah. Which, by the way, I fly with the pores, too. I'm a regular guy. I'm with pores all the time. I take the bus, I ride a bike. I don't know what else to tell you, man. Pores are so mad at me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Who's Your favorite designer.

[Tom Segura]

Designer. What do you think is.

[Bert Kreischer]

We don't even know about that, huh? I wouldn't even know about designers.

[Tom Segura]

Designers? What do you mean, designers? Like, artists?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know, like clothes.

[Tom Segura]

Clothes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just. Just anything at Walmart.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, whatever they have at Ross. Dude, I don't know. I drive a 96 Corolla. I don't know what to tell you, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

There's. I've never been into fashion, per se. I want to get back to where we were going on this. I never been into fashion. There's only one dude I like in fashion. There's only one guy, and it's just because of his T shirts. I love his T shirts. And then.

[Tom Segura]

Is it. Is it James purse?

[Bert Kreischer]

Is James fucking purse?

[Tom Segura]

This is my favorite because everyone always, like, hits me up about being an unrelatable wealthy guy, which is ridiculous to me. But then there was the time that you first talked about James Purse and you went off how much you love it. And then everybody was like, oh, yeah, really? They all looked up his shirts and they were like, yeah, real relatable, Bert. Just $100T shirts.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's a $75T shirt.

[Tom Segura]

But it's.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they. But they're so awesome, and they're so comfortable, and you look good in them. I love them. I love all his clothes.

[Tom Segura]

I love it right now. Is that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, of course. Of course. J.P. and so my dog J.P. and so.

[Tom Segura]

Go to the website. Go to the website. Let's.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, the website's insane. And by the way, this is next level. Next level. Because he has houses, guys. Houses.

[Tom Segura]

All I want you to do. Please just do me one favor.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, do not. Please do. Hold on. You haven't told you the whole story, Tom. I haven't told you the whole story.

[Tom Segura]

Just remember.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I'm getting chill bumps.

[Tom Segura]

Bert's favorite stuff. And he hopes that you enjoy it, too. Keep going.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, okay. He does a Grateful Dead collab that they have in Vegas, and I.

[Tom Segura]

So wait, scroll up. Scroll up scrolls. See on the left there? It says bestsellers, Classics. And then T shirts hit up T shirts on the left. No, scroll back down. T shirts. Okay, go ahead. Go ahead.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's 195t shirt.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah. Cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

But it titled it Lux, so you know it's going to be expensive. Bird's favorite, by the way. I don't buy all James.

[Tom Segura]

No, of course not. So tell.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tell me.

[Tom Segura]

Tell me about. So he is.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't want to. I don't want to tell the grateful dad.

[Tom Segura]

I want you to tell. You got to tell it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

There's a Grateful dad collab. You're in Vegas, and then do you go to. Is there like a pop up or. There's a store there that will.

[Bert Kreischer]

They go. We go to. There's a pop up in Vegas. There's a James Purse store in Vegas and across street from the sphere, and then there's a Grateful Dead collab that he's done with the Grateful Dead. That are cool shirts. They're right. They are expensive. But. But, like, we don't, like, go and buy everything. But I bought, like three shirts. I definitely bought three shirts. They're cool.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so I'm like. I'm like, yo. I go, can I shoot a video in here? And they're like, yeah. So I would do a video. Everything he does, by the way. Everything. He's just a cool dude. And he's my age. He's my age. I go, I want to be friends with this guy. Yeah. Tell the people in the store I want to be friends with this guy. He has. He has. You know what else he does? He's like. He's like, oh, that's a.

[Tom Segura]

That's a nice sweater. How much is that?

[Bert Kreischer]

I didn't get the sweater, Tom.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, okay, Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

I didn't get the hat either. It didn't fit me.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, what'd you get?

[Bert Kreischer]

I just bought T shirts. Oh, just don't. And no, there. I don't even know how they were. How much.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, so you tell. So. So you tell them, I want to be friends with jp. Do they set that up? Do they hook you up?

[Bert Kreischer]

So I post a video just. He's so cool. He's got, like, a house in Malibu that he rents out. Like, he rents. Like he has properties that he rents out that you think that you could go to. I couldn't. I mean. I mean, I'm not gonna go to the. One of the houses, but I think they're pretty expensive. But I'm like, I want to be friends with this guy. So I post a video in here, and they're like, yeah. And then we go to fucking Hawaii and in a Turtle Bay, they've got James Pers there. And I'm like, oh, man, I f. Everything. Everything he has is cool as shit.

[Tom Segura]

It is very cool. It is very cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I buy. I buy a monochromatic linen outfit and I put it on and I look good and I feel good. And yes, it was pricey.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I fucking feel good. I'm ready to go to Dinner. And Leanne looks at her phone. She goes, oh, my God. I just got a text from James Purse.

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was like, you're fucking kidding me. She's like, hey, Leanne, it's James. I've been traveling out of the country or whatever, but I just heard that, you know, Bert's a big fan. I'd love to do the podcast, whatever. And I'm like, tom, the only other person I've geeked out like this for was when the Rock texted me.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I was like, the fucking Rock?

[Tom Segura]

James is very cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's very cool. He's. But he's just a cool fucking dude.

[Tom Segura]

So is he gonna do the podcast?

[Bert Kreischer]

He's going to do the podcast, yeah. I'm gonna let him do the podcast. Maybe I'll have to be a guest bear.

[Tom Segura]

That would be awesome. Yeah, I. I would fly in for that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. Yeah, yeah, let's do a guest pair. I I. He's. But we know we're gonna get him to swag us out. And I was like, yo, let's do collabs with James Purse. We gotta, like, lower the price point a tad bit, but do, because his merch is sick.

[Tom Segura]

No, he's great. He's great.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's a badass dude. He's gorgeous, too. Pull up a picture of James Purse.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's so funny. I went surfing with Leanne in Hawaii, and I thought, that's crazy. Like, if I had known I was gonna spend this much time with someone, I might have. Dude.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, there he is. Okay. Yeah, there he is.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's just a cool guy. Look at those teeth.

[Tom Segura]

Nice teeth. Yeah. Oh.

[Bert Kreischer]

See what his worth is.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, Jesus.

[Bert Kreischer]

What? Yeah, I went surfing with Leanne. Leanne went surfing. Surfing.

[Tom Segura]

How was that?

[Bert Kreischer]

She. It was. It was really cool. To $250 million.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I think it's working out. It's probably half of it's from you. What?

[Bert Kreischer]

She. I said it. I said it. I. The first day we go surfing with the girls, and it was. It's small, but it was fun. And everyone got up, and I got on a big board, and I got up, like, every time. Rode him. All the shores had a great time. Girls had fun. Isla was like, this is it. And I was like, what? She's like, you just ride it to the shore, and then you got to paddle back. And I was like, yeah. She was like, they don't, like, have someone that can bring you back out for you. And I was like, no, you. Part of the fun is paddling. It's good to work out. She was like, I like snowboarding better. And I was like, okay. And so I was like, I don't want to surf again. And George is like, neither do I. She's like, you guys seem to be really into it. You guys go surfing. And so me and Leanne went surfing the next day, and then we went another day. And then on the last day, we're flying that day. And then they're like. They're like, yo, the waves are going to be really big today. And we're like, really? And they're like, do you definitely want to come out? And so we're like, all right, we'll surf before our flight. So Leanne and I went out like buddies, like two friends. I kept thinking. I kept thinking, I'm supposed to be doing this with Tom, not with a chick. Right, right, right. You're surfing. You're not. This isn't, like, wife shit. This is your boys. Like, this is like, what if Leanne learned how to play golf then, you know, Like. But I'm out there with Leanne, and we're surfing, and she is loving it, and she's good, and she's great. And then the guys, to me, are like, yo, you want to challenge yourself a little bit? I was like, yeah, because I'd already done pretty good. And they're like, we'll put you on this board. It was a little smaller than I was normal. I mean, paddling. And I was kind of squirrely. And then I got up, and I was riding down the face of the wave, like, riding the way a surfer would, just. Instead of, like, going straight with it all the way to shore, I was, like, riding it and walking up the board a little bit and walking back. I was having so much fucking fun. And I got done, and I was like. It was like the. It was like, yo, I could live. I can. I can be married to this person. Like, I could be married to this person with my kids out of the house because Leanne had so much fun. And then Leanne was in her feelings, and she broke us off. She was like, this is who I am. This is who I am. You guys, I'm. You guys say, I'm fire hosing you. This is who I am. I'm that I gotta get up and do shit. And just in both George and I were like, oh, what the do we do?

[Tom Segura]

I was like, so did she enjoy the surfing, though? She loved it.

[Bert Kreischer]

She loved it.

[Tom Segura]

That's cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

She loved it.

[Tom Segura]

That's cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

She loved it. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yo, Right before we wrap. Should we plug these? Oh, we got things we're doing. We got. We got a couple lives coming up. Well, we're doing a. Doing a bottle signing.

[Bert Kreischer]

We fly to Jacksonville.

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

What?

[Tom Segura]

We're in Orlando. We're doing the bottle signing. It's going to be on the 20th, right? Or.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, September 20th. We are in Orlando. Do you want to go. You want to go wakeboarding with Park Spotify?

[Tom Segura]

No. So no, I got my boys with me and it's going to be a whole thing.

[Bert Kreischer]

You got your boys with you in Orlando?

[Tom Segura]

Well, we'll be down in Vero.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. Anyway, are you bringing your sister to the bottle signing?

[Tom Segura]

I wasn't planning on it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can you bring your sisters to the bottle signing?

[Tom Segura]

You want them to come to the bottle? Yes, I'll invite them.

[Bert Kreischer]

Sure.

[Tom Segura]

Yes, I know we'll post about it. But anyway, that's that, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

Awesome.

[Tom Segura]

That's it.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right. All right. I'm gonna go take kids college. All right. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Have fun with that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. My life's over. Just me and surfing with a 54 year old woman.

[Tom Segura]

Sounds like you enjoy it. Hey, get a group text going with me and J.P. and you, okay? Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, me. I think you'd like his clothes.

[Tom Segura]

I'd like to try it. All right.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love you.

[Tom Segura]

Bye, guys. I love you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Bye. Goes topless while the other wears a shirt Tom tells stories and birds the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call two bears, one cave.