Are We Trapped In This Podcast Forever? w/ Stavros Halkias & Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Summary

Podcast Title: 2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Episode: Are We Trapped In This Podcast Forever? w/ Stavros Halkias & Chris DiStefano
Host/Author: YMH Studios
Release Date: August 4, 2025

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Introduction: Bear Summer and New Hosts

In this special 300th episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Stavros Halkias and Chris DiStefano step in for regular hosts Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer. Opening at [00:05], Stavros enthusiastically welcomes listeners back, highlighting the vibrant "bear summer" vibe and Provincetown’s Bear Week.

Stavros Halkias [00:15]: "Hello, gang. We are back. This summer. Bears are back."

Chris echoes the sentiment, emphasizing the rejuvenation that comes with summer.

Chris DiStefano [00:20]: "Dude, it's a bear summer. The bears come out of hibernation."

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Food, Fitness, and Personal Jokes

The conversation quickly delves into personal anecdotes surrounding food and fitness. Chris humorously discusses his dietary habits, juxtaposing his attempt to eat healthily with his indulgence in croissants.

Chris DiStefano [01:13]: "And hey, Josh, give us a couple surprises for the classic fat guy move."

Stavros playfully teases Chris about his fluctuating weight and cholesterol levels, creating a light-hearted atmosphere.

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Managing Podcast Finances and Sponsorships

A significant portion of the episode addresses the financial aspects of podcasting. Stavros and Chris critique Tom and Bert’s management of their podcast finances, suggesting the use of Monarch Money for better financial tracking.

Chris DiStefano [12:37]: "You need Monarch Money... building your wealth."

They seamlessly integrate advertisements, promoting Monarch Money, BetterHelp, and BlueChew, blending sponsorships into their banter.

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Late Night TV Hosting and Personal Experiences

Chris shares his recent experiences guest-hosting the Jimmy Kimmel Show, providing an insider’s look into the demanding nature of late-night TV.

Chris DiStefano [42:34]: "If you forget about God, it's about NetSuite is the one truth. That's it."

Stavros and Chris reflect on the structure and efficiency of late-night shows, with Chris highlighting the intense preparation involved.

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Family Stories and Childhood Reflections

The duo reminisces about their childhoods, discussing familial relationships and personal growth. Chris candidly shares a formative experience from his teenage years involving a complex relationship, leading to his career in comedy.

Chris DiStefano [09:10]: "My dad was pretty fat. My mom would struggle with her weight. And I'm like, oh, I can be fat."

Stavros echoes similar sentiments, delving into his own upbringing and the coping mechanisms he developed, primarily through comedy and cooking.

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Parenting and Modern Media Consumption

Transitioning to the topic of parenting, Stavros and Chris discuss the challenges of raising children in the digital age. They compare past and present media influences, highlighting the differences in their children’s entertainment preferences.

Chris DiStefano [53:12]: "I'm just telling you not to show your daughters right now. It's weird."

They express concern over the content their children are exposed to, advocating for mindful media consumption.

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Movie Discussions and Pop Culture References

The hosts engage in animated discussions about various movies, including Jurassic Park, Midsommar, and classic comedies. They share personal opinions and humorous takes on film plots and characters.

Chris DiStefano [60:02]: "He's like dating a 16 year old."

The conversation showcases their ability to blend pop culture commentary with personal humor, keeping the discussion lively and relatable.

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300th Episode Milestone and Appreciation Messages

As the episode nears its end, Stavros and Chris address the milestone of the 300th episode, expressing gratitude towards their listeners. They read a heartfelt message from Tom Segura, who praises Stavros and Chris for their exceptional hosting during his absence.

Tom Segura's Message [65:51]: "Let's congratulate you on your 300th episode. Thanks for, man. I personally prefer you way, way, way more than the previous hosts."

In response, Stavros and Chris humorously discuss their own approaches to hosting and the dynamics of their guest-hosting stint.

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Closing Remarks and Future Plans

In the final moments, Stavros and Chris joke about the future of the podcast, suggesting possible scenarios where Tom and Bert return. They wrap up with light-hearted banter, reinforcing the camaraderie and playful spirit that defines 2 Bears, 1 Cave.

Stavros Halkias [69:12]: "Thank you guys for listening. We are having fun. We will not do this podcast full..."

Chris DiStefano [69:13]: "That's it."

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Notable Quotes

• Stavros Halkias [00:15]: "Hello, gang. We are back. This summer. Bears are back."
• Chris DiStefano [09:16]: "But she was a grown woman. I was a child."
• Stavros Halkias [12:20]: "The watches, the cars, houses for podcasting."
• Chris DiStefano [42:34]: "If you forget about God, it's about NetSuite is the one truth. That's it."
• Tom Segura [65:51]: "Thanks for, man. I personally prefer you way, way, way more than the previous hosts."

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Conclusion

This episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave offers a rich tapestry of personal stories, comedic insights, and behind-the-scenes looks into podcast management and late-night hosting. Stavros Halkias and Chris DiStefano deliver an engaging and humorous discussion, making this milestone episode both entertaining and memorable for listeners.

Transcript

[Chris DiStefano]

100%.

[Stavros Halkias]

Hello, gang. We are back. This summer. Bears are back. Stavros Halkis, Chris DiStefano filling in for our pals, Tom and Bert. How we doing, Chrissy?

[Chris DiStefano]

Dude, it's a bear summer. The bears come out of hibernation and the bears are on the.

[Stavros Halkias]

I think it is bear week in Provincetown as we speak.

[Chris DiStefano]

100% it is. That's why I have a show there. Go, Christy. Check out my site. But, dude, it just feels good to be a bear in the summer. You don't want to be doing this in the winter.

[Stavros Halkias]

No, that's hibernation.

[Chris DiStefano]

Dude. We're by the river. We're eating salmon.

[Stavros Halkias]

You were just eating salmon. I was eating. I was eating.

[Chris DiStefano]

Dude, that's what we're doing. We're bears. We're eating salmon. And we threw in a couple of croissants because we're different kinds of bears.

[Stavros Halkias]

You. You are sabotaging us here, right? Because you shout out to Benson, spoon Josh in the, in the booth. You. You, you did a classic fat guy move. And even though you're not. We've talked about it. You're wearing your true classic T shirt that hides your tits and frames it and your belly. But you're not, you're not. You are. You still have a heart. A fat man. So as we've covered a fat man's cholesterol 100%. You order egg whites with spinach on whole wheat toast.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Stavros Halkias]

And then you say, and hey, Josh, give us a couple surprises for the classic fat guy move. That's basically like, order me sausage, Order me a dessert. Get me a chocolate milk. You're basically like, I can't. I don't want to take responsibility for this. I'm laundering.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right.

[Stavros Halkias]

I want to treat. I'm a little slut.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right.

[Stavros Halkias]

But I'm laundering. The response. I'm passing the moral responsibility onto you. You basically, it was. You did a tariff on Josh.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Stavros Halkias]

When the costs are coming on him, right, you get the money, but he has to pay the cost.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Well, so I just want to give a quick shout out where. This is where, you know, like, I literally, I said to Josh, give me surprise, surprise. You know, I'm a little surprise boy. Yeah, that's what I said. Because last time we came and did the show, Josh had surprised us with artisanal, beautiful donuts that were some of the creamiest, best donuts that I've ever had in my life. And now today's surprise, surprise were two half eaten croissants and no straws for our iced coffee. Wow. So what the hell? We're drinking iced coffee. We have stained my teeth now because Josh didn't get straws and he got me shitty croissants from a deli that somebody was doing fentanyl outside of. What the hell happened last week?

[Stavros Halkias]

Why do you say, give me a donut? You know what I mean?

[Chris DiStefano]

Because I'm a little surprised, boy.

[Stavros Halkias]

And I.

[Chris DiStefano]

And I just. I didn't want to come out and say it because I'm trying. Trying to tell my family that I'm.

[Stavros Halkias]

In shape and I'm like, oh, so you wanted to come home. Be like, look, I ordered spit. You wanted to show you were. Hey, look, you were gonna delete the surprise boy. Text 100% and you're gonna be like, jasmine, look, I asked for spinach.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Cause Jazz every. Cause, you know, ever since, you know, I said my cholesterol was 300. Which, by the way, this is a 300th Two Bears episode. So I feel like I got my cholesterol to this level just for the show. Yeah. But she always is on me now, like, hey, what are you eating? Like, when I was just on the road, she's like, show me. Like, it used to be send me a picture of your empty room. So no are in there now it's show me a picture of what you're eating. So I know you're not going to drop dead when we're just moving into this new house. They're inevitably going to sell next year.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yes, yes, yes. Show me the trash can in your Hilton Garden Inn. I don't want to see combos in there. I don't want to see chocolate covered preps. I don't want to see KFC snackers. Right, yes.

[Chris DiStefano]

By the way, not Hilton. I'm a Marriott Bonboy Rewards member, so Marriott Bon. So you can put that at.

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Oh, they're down. Yeah. Thanks, Josh. Sip left. I hope you do one of your backflips off stage and break your neck.

[Stavros Halkias]

This beautiful straw just for Chris. Please bring me a straw. Bring me some donuts. Oh, God.

[Chris DiStefano]

On your roller blades.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. Oh, man.

[Chris DiStefano]

Look at Stavi's. That. That's a big boy shirt. If you can't see, this is off camera, but Stavi's drying the shirt that he was wearing on the radiator.

[Stavros Halkias]

It is some again, as a summer of a bear, you know, you have to have a travel shirt everywhere you go. Yeah, that was the. When I moved to New York and it was like summer and I'm walking everywhere. It's like, you come with a shirt, right? You go to the bath, you soak it on the subway, right? And then you change into your, you know, my professional attire.

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh, that's my job.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh, look, she's a hottie.

[Stavros Halkias]

She's pretty awesome.

[Chris DiStefano]

Whatever. She might have a cock. That's a woman.

[Stavros Halkias]

A woman can have all types of. They could be jacked with huge tits, too. Chris. Okay, yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Look at Burt.

[Stavros Halkias]

And that's awesome. No, we've covered this.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Bert is not a hot woman.

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh, yeah, that's right.

[Stavros Halkias]

But, yes, I would love a jacked. You know this. An anime girl with huge tits. It's jacked, but it looks good.

[Chris DiStefano]

You got. You got good T shirts now. What are you, a 2xL?

[Stavros Halkias]

Thank you for saying that. I am a 3xL.

[Chris DiStefano]

You're a 3xL.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm a 3. But we're real. I'm on the cusp of 2. I'm on the Cusp of 2.

[Chris DiStefano]

When's the last time in your life you were an xl?

[Stavros Halkias]

I can tell you. Literally, I know exactly when it was. I was in. It was 2001, age 11. I'm sorry. 2021. I was in sixth grade watching the towers fall. And in that moment, I was stress eating, knowing we would be plunged into a state of endless war. I could see that. I could read the tea leaves. They were gonna use the terrace as an excuse to have a. The spy state that we would lose all our civil liberties because we're scared of, you know, sitting there eating spanakopita.

[Chris DiStefano]

Out of a lunchbox thinking, could Baltimore be next? Is Mohammed Atta going to blow up Camden Yards?

[Stavros Halkias]

We have a World Trade Center. We have a shitty little World Trade center, too.

[Chris DiStefano]

I hope they don't destroy the legal seafood in the Inner Harbor.

[Stavros Halkias]

The Inner Harbors, is it safe? 2021. I was coming, but I. I. During the pandemic, I gained 40 pounds, and then I lost 60 pounds. Whoa. And so I. I was. And then I got in. I was like, maybe 2, 250 to 60. Which for me is. It's good svelte.

[Chris DiStefano]

Exactly. Right?

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm. I feel good when I'm at 2.

[Chris DiStefano]

Like a Ryan Reynolds at that.

[Stavros Halkias]

And I was at an Excel, and I had a very specific. I had this cool Heat. Might be my favorite movie. Well, True Romance is my favorite movie of all time.

[Chris DiStefano]

But I love that everyone just thought you. You were losing weight. Everyone else just thought you.

[Stavros Halkias]

It was before. It was before we knew about that liberal hoax. No, it does seem like people have been there. Does. I was definitely a guy who's like, that shit's fake. And I've met like 10 people who are like, my life is ruined. And they all have the exact same symptoms. They're like, my brain just doesn't work. And I'm like, I don't know.

[Chris DiStefano]

I know. A brain fog. Like, I swear I still haven't. I. My taste is still not the same.

[Stavros Halkias]

Really?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. I mean, obviously. I just ate seven croissants. I power through.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

I have a great imagination.

[Stavros Halkias]

Again, that's another fat tip of the cap as a fat man to be. Do it. To power through. No taste buds.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

And be like, oh, it's fine.

[Chris DiStefano]

Just so good. Dude, do you know how many times in my life I've gotten swollen taste buds on my tongue just from the amount of sugar I've eaten in one sitting? Just like. Because the wild. Because you're saying, you know, you. You XL2001.

[Stavros Halkias]

This is 2021.

[Chris DiStefano]

2021. I'm sorry, I'm an Excel now.

[Stavros Halkias]

Right, Right. Wow.

[Chris DiStefano]

And so I'm in Excel now. I was a 2x, but now I've gotten myself into an XL. But what happens is mentally, like, I've lost some weight. I try to work out every day and exercise, but mentally I'm still like, you're disgusting. Like, your cholesterol's awful. You're gonna eat that croissant. You surprise boy.

[Stavros Halkias]

You're gonna passive aggressively demand the croissant.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah. So. And you know what happens here's the difference though, too, is like, at least with you. And we may have spoken about this before, but at least with you, when somebody. You were saying before, like, oh, somebody says, like, you're overweight. At least like, you wear it. You are who you are. You're like, this is who I am. No denying it. I'm a. You know what you're getting? I'm a 3x with me or 3x? I'm trying to be positive. We're going towards.

[Stavros Halkias]

We're getting there.

[Chris DiStefano]

We're 2x.

[Stavros Halkias]

We're trending in the right direction. We're rounding down. Thank you. Thank you.

[Chris DiStefano]

So with me, it's like, oh, wow, you're jacked. And then I'll be like, Then I'll take my shirt off and I'll see people look at me like, I wasn't expecting that.

[Stavros Halkias]

Disgusting.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Like, what is that?

[Stavros Halkias]

Were you a fat child?

[Chris DiStefano]

No, No. I got.

[Stavros Halkias]

When did the paunch begin?

[Chris DiStefano]

So I Got fat. I got fat when I. My freshman year of college, I was playing ball on the basketball team. Like, I was the only fre that was a starter. I was playing. I could like two hand dunk. Like, I was like, crazy. I had a shaved head. I look. It was like a skinhead. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If You Google Chris DiStefano, basketball pictures pop up. Me, I literally look like I'm playing for the Aryan Nation. And so. And so. But I got a girlfriend, like, my first serious girlfriend that just. She was older, she was like 23, and I was 18. And she just worked me in a way that I can't like, explain. Like, she was. Yeah, yeah. If you look at.

[Stavros Halkias]

You and Bill Maher were talking about it.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, but there's one. No, look, go over one more to the right. That one. That's this. This is the skinhead one where I'm just an absolute. Just Ed Norton, you know.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're on the. You look like you're on his basketball team in American history.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right? So what happened though, is, was like, we just start, like, she introduced me to like, sex and like eating my ass and all that.

[Stavros Halkias]

And I ate your ass at 18.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes. And I got. Which is now just a felony federal crime. But. But she. But I got so not fat. But for the first time ever, because literally I was like always thin. You know, metabolism was good. I was in shape again. I told you I could dunk. I was athletic. And then when I got fat, it was like a wake up call. Was like, oh. Because my dad was pretty fat. My mom would struggle with her weight. And I'm like, oh, I. I can be fat. And then from that point on, from when I'm 18, I've yo yoed for 22 years. Like, I went from like in comedy, I've gotten myself up to 260. I was 260.

[Stavros Halkias]

My goal weight. Go.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. And now I'm like 220.

[Stavros Halkias]

Wow.

[Chris DiStefano]

So I. But it's weird. It's like, I really, for my height, I should be like. If BMI. You should be like 190. And I'm like, I don't know if I could get that.

[Stavros Halkias]

No, whatever. You're fine. I mean, you should get. Worry about your cholesterol. You're fine.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. I'm gonna go get it tested in two weeks.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, let's find out.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, I'll live stream it.

[Stavros Halkias]

I can't wait. I can't wait. I wouldn't put it past you.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Now what was that for? The moment the tongue hit your hole, what was that sensation like?

[Chris DiStefano]

I'll never forget, dude. We were in her house in Ozone Park, Queens. We're right off Cross Bay Boulevard, part.

[Stavros Halkias]

Of Queens, where it's like they wouldn't even dream to have a subway.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

They're like, no, this shitty Long island as far as we're concerned.

[Chris DiStefano]

As I was getting my ass, you know, I was listening to the sirens and the, you know, John Gotti disciples running up, running black people out of their neighborhood with baseball bats.

[Stavros Halkias]

You couldn't, you, you weren't sure why you were coming, the, the ass licking or the racism. You're like, I don't know what you're doing more for me.

[Chris DiStefano]

Are you scared? The N word. And so, and so I remember like, cuz, you know, she was down there, whatever, and then she just started going down towards the balls, which I had experienced before I was 18. I, I, you know, I was Catholic, you know, of course, I've had a priest. Yeah, I was an altar boy. So I, so. And then she just slips it into the butt. And I don't, I think it was like, almost accidental, even on her part. But then the way that I, you know, like, flex up and so she.

[Stavros Halkias]

Had a lot of sexual intelligence. Yes. She called the audible. She's like, oh, my tongue slipped. But he clearly loves.

[Chris DiStefano]

Well, she was a grown woman. I was a child.

[Stavros Halkias]

You feel taken advantage of?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, no, I loved it. And then I remember she just started going down in my ass and I was like, oh my God. And it was that I came so quick that it was.

[Stavros Halkias]

You busted fast.

[Chris DiStefano]

So here's the thing about Burton. Tom is as wildly successful as they are financially, they don't know what they're doing. The amount of money they've paid us to co host this show, when it is clear as day from the views, it's a sinking ship.

[Stavros Halkias]

And listen, even if it's successful, we're not trying. So even if it happens, it's an accident, it's a mistake. They should have been better at tracking their money. And let's, let's not even get into. I've seen just the uncrustables budget on Burt's tour bus is out of control. The watches, the cars, houses for podcasting.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, it's ridiculous when the revolution comes.

[Stavros Halkias]

Unless they have somebody that helps them track their money, they might be killed in the streets.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes. I mean, look, and that's why we said to them, me and Stavi had to get on a FaceTime call with Berntom and said, guys, you need Monarch money.

[Stavros Halkias]

You need, you need.

[Chris DiStefano]

You can't. Why did you pay two guys who look like different versions of lesbians to come in here and try to save your summer show? Don't just manage your money. We said, tom and Bird, start building your wealth. 50% off your first year. For the listeners, it's more than your average budgeting app. Monarch Money is a complete financial command center for your accounts, investments, and goals.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's beautiful.

[Chris DiStefano]

Okay, dude, maybe you would have learned. Maybe Bert would have been smarter if he had Monarch Money and not spent the whole payload on Hitler's teacup.

[Stavros Halkias]

That is beautiful. And you could all listen. Not everybody has accidentally gotten more famous than they deserve.

[Chris DiStefano]

Sure.

[Stavros Halkias]

And have way more money than God. So they can spend it stupidly. Right.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right.

[Stavros Halkias]

For our listeners, Monarch can make a real difference to you. Okay, we want you to sign up right now. Like Chrissy said. You could build fit. You could build 50% off starting out here with Monarch.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Stavros Halkias]

Maybe we can scroll down a little bit.

[Chris DiStefano]

There we go. Yeah. Thanks, Benson. Boo. And stop working on your next album and scroll.

[Stavros Halkias]

And know. I know Chris is a family man. A man who buys a new house every six months. Talk about your hair gel budget. You know what I mean? How has Monarch helped you?

[Chris DiStefano]

There's a lot of things, dude. I got a lot of member female members of my family want breast enhancement surgeries. I got to pay for all that. And so I used Monarch money because for, you know, I didn't realize, like 401ks are like, you know, we don't have a 401k.

[Stavros Halkias]

I still do not have get Monarch Money, dude.

[Chris DiStefano]

They taught me how to like, like what to do, like what different types you could do. So Monarch.

[Stavros Halkias]

So they're saving the money that when now that you're married, your wife will take from you in seven years.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Stavros Halkias]

So what Monarch is doing is making sure you're not overspending on food delivery, on your hair gel, on whatever. This is something Jazz will get in seven years time when she finally supports you.

[Chris DiStefano]

Monarch Money took a look at my life and they actually contacted me. They said, we know you're going to get divorced. Let us help you.

[Stavros Halkias]

So we want you to get control of your overall finances with Monarch Money. Use code [e-mail] in your browser for half off your first year. That's 50% off your first [e-mail] with code bears. This is an ad by BetterHelp. These days, it feels like there's advice for everything. If you go online, you'll get advice for cold plunges, gratitude journals, screen detoxes.

[Chris DiStefano]

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[Stavros Halkias]

Be a struggle to know what's true.

[Chris DiStefano]

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[Stavros Halkias]

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[Chris DiStefano]

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[Stavros Halkias]

You breathe in for four and out for eight.

[Chris DiStefano]

You know what really works for me?

[Stavros Halkias]

Therapy.

[Chris DiStefano]

Talking to a real person about my.

[Stavros Halkias]

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[Chris DiStefano]

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[Stavros Halkias]

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[Chris DiStefano]

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[Stavros Halkias]

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[Chris DiStefano]

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[Stavros Halkias]

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[Chris DiStefano]

Betterhelp.Com bears that's betterhelp.com bears that's fucking awesome, dude. Like, it was. She wasn't even making contact with my dick and balls anymore. It was just tongue in the ass and I exploded. I hit. It was one of those where like you hit yourself in the nipples, you know?

[Stavros Halkias]

Of course, the first time a girl jacked me off, it hit me in my eye.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, I can't imagine. And so I remember like coming so quick and then she playfully, you know, because she. I don't think she believed it, but to me, a young 18 year old, she was like, oh my God, like, you love ass play. Maybe you're gay. And then like we laugh.

[Stavros Halkias]

Is this patient zero for this joke that you've done for 50 years at this point? This woman started it all.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes. She literally put me on a path.

[Stavros Halkias]

If that girl doesn't eat your ass, you're probably just a regular homophobe.

[Chris DiStefano]

100%. But she put me on a path to tell these jokes at the Creek in the cave in 2010 and continue to do it. And so she.

[Stavros Halkias]

Holy shit.

[Chris DiStefano]

She literally.

[Stavros Halkias]

Dude, the no contact bust from getting your ass eaten is literally awakening primal homophobic bullying in me. I'm keeping it at bay. But that is what you think when.

[Chris DiStefano]

You hear that dude I've had. And it also discovered. It also put me on a path for my love of history, because I would search.

[Stavros Halkias]

Initially, you became a big Greek philosophy fan.

[Chris DiStefano]

After that, I literally. And that's why I think I've gravitated toward Greek co hosts like you and Giannis, because you're the guys that tell me, hey, Greek guys, Greek warriors are gay. Of course they used to have sex. It's not gay. It's just a label. Now you're just being a human.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

And that's what it makes me feel.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, we talked about it. Achilles was gay. You know.

[Chris DiStefano]

Sure.

[Stavros Halkias]

His whole. His boy. Him and his boy were having. Were doing gay shit. The reason they got him back in the war was because they, you know, the Trojans killed his. There's still some historical debate about whether Achilles was the top or if he was the bottom. We'll never know.

[Chris DiStefano]

What's the gayer one? Would the top be gay or the bottom.

[Stavros Halkias]

The bottom's gay or the bottom getting his ass fucked.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, right.

[Stavros Halkias]

Because here's the funny. Sorry to cut you off off. The Turkish military, literally, they have a rule that if you're a top, you. So they have. If you're gay, you can be the Turkish military. If you guys. If you get your ass, they don't let you in. The Turkish military, they have, like. They do, like, research and they're like, prove you get your ass. Because people lie about getting their. Like, I don't know if this. My friend. I don't know if it's true or not. Said you have to send, like, a video of you getting in the ass. Like, the army. I don't know. My.

[Chris DiStefano]

I think, could you imagine me, like, I'm this close to getting in the Turkish military. And then I. They asked me some history questions, and they're like, wait, you came. No contact with dick and ball's tongue in the ass.

[Stavros Halkias]

You'd be a. You would be a borderline.

[Chris DiStefano]

They'd be like, you're out of here.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

But it put. Because, you know, and by the way, Achilles would be gay. I mean, that's the gayest thing. Like, they just dangle him by his little foot in the river sticks. The river sticks. Ooh. But I do feel because, like, you start as you get older.

[Stavros Halkias]

Right.

[Chris DiStefano]

I'm 40 now. You start to think about, like, how did. How did all this happen? How did I wind up getting into this career? Path. How did I wind up, you know, being obsessed with history?

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

I thought it was because my mom used to take me on trips to, like, Boston. We would walk around the Freedom Trail so she. She could go to singles bars and, you know, she would just be like, hey, Chris, you stay on that red line.

[Stavros Halkias]

You find out about George Washington. I'm gonna get some chowder and some dick up here, dude.

[Chris DiStefano]

My mom literally would take me. She took me on a singles cruise to Nova Scotia once, where I just had to sit in a fricking child's playpen while my mom just cruises around.

[Stavros Halkias]

Trying to get fingered by lobster fishermen.

[Chris DiStefano]

I gotta listen. Mom hooking up with a guy from Halifax. Well, I'm. Well, I'm just sitting there eating.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, nice. Oh, you got there.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's a really nice beaver you got.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

So don't hold.

[Chris DiStefano]

So she. So that.

[Stavros Halkias]

And then.

[Chris DiStefano]

And then the Freedom Trail was real. She would take me to Boston. We would learn about, like, Paul Revere's house and stuff. And then she would literally go out because she was like a young mom.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

And she'd be like, I'll come find you on the Freedom Trail in a couple of hours. And she. I have to stay on this red line. So I would just walk through Boston on the Freedom Trail, going to all the different sites. And that started my. My. My love of history.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Was like, very specifically Colonial American history.

[Stavros Halkias]

When you have to just, like, read a book intensely not to think about your mom getting railed.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

You're like George Washington, like your mom sucking dick. You're like Paul Revere. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

I'm using the British are Coming by Rick Atkinson just so to not think about my mom. Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

But no, that's it. I mean, I think about that all the time. There's so much that we. That is just not in our control at all.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right.

[Stavros Halkias]

You know what I mean? Like. Like the. Like, you know, the things you use as an escape as a little kid really become your thing forever, dude.

[Chris DiStefano]

Even comedy.

[Stavros Halkias]

Comedy was for me, for real. Like, I would watch old SNLs. I would watch, like, you know, comedy set. Like when we first got that shit. You know, there's like, arguments at. Your parents are fucking fighting. I'm just, like, putting up fucking Billy Madison. I'm like, yeah, yeah, the Penguins.

[Chris DiStefano]

Hilarious.

[Stavros Halkias]

I don't have to think about how my parents should probably be divor forced, but they won't because of Greek stereotypes, you know? Yeah. Because of being trapped.

[Chris DiStefano]

Instead, I'll find my dad dead on the bathroom floor from his heart attack because he just won't leave my mom and go be happy.

[Stavros Halkias]

But see for me, shout out to my dad. Beat another beat. Another heart attack. There you go. Yeah, yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

He's crushing it.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, he, he had surgery. He's doing well. Salute you.

[Chris DiStefano]

Hummus.

[Stavros Halkias]

He middle not Greek. That's a big problem.

[Chris DiStefano]

No, but isn't Greek.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's not.

[Chris DiStefano]

What is it called?

[Stavros Halkias]

Jaziki. We don't have.

[Chris DiStefano]

No, but when I go to Greek restaurants, they always give the dip. Hummus. Tzatziki.

[Stavros Halkias]

No, you're going to a Mediterranean place. You're going to a catch all Mediterranean place, which is like going to a catch all Pan Asian place. And those places, I apologize, those places don't do any of the cuisine. Well.

[Chris DiStefano]

Got it.

[Stavros Halkias]

Like when you go to a place that does Thai, sushi and Chinese food, it's bad. When you go to a place, it's like we have falafel.

[Chris DiStefano]

You're not a good Greek restaurant.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's not a good Greek. I mean, look, now they've, they've bent to the knee. They've, you know, they. The way the, the market is going, people, you know, you know, dumb asses like you expect hummus at a Greek restaurant. So you can find it, but it's not good. You want it at an expressly Middle Eastern place someplace.

[Chris DiStefano]

It's like a Turkish cafe would be good.

[Stavros Halkias]

Exactly.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. I'm just going for a cholesterol friendly option.

[Stavros Halkias]

Sure, sure, sure.

[Chris DiStefano]

Suzuki is cholesterol friendly. It's just cucumbers and yogurt. Yeah, right.

[Stavros Halkias]

So anyway, so this and the other thing that I. My escapes were clearly dumb comedy and making myself meals. Like while my parents were arguing. I got, I was just be. I was like a fat little boy boy melting butter. Right. And like dipping each side of bread and making like triple decker grilled cheeses with ham in the middle. For real. I'm not even kidding. I was like. As soon as they let me unsupervised, I would play, I would listen to Adam Sandler CDs, the parody songs. I would play Nintendo and I would make myself little. Little triple decker.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Sandwiches. It was the. And those. The happiest moments of my life.

[Chris DiStefano]

I believe it.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'll never feel that elation is being a fat like 10 year old.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Being like, I'm grown up. I'm allowed with open flame.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

And I'm allowed to play the, the Power Rangers Nintendo game. You know what I mean?

[Chris DiStefano]

I love like every Time you're hungry. You would just like walk up to your mom and dad and be like, mom, you think dad's cheating on you? You're like, I'll be in the kitchen.

[Stavros Halkias]

You bought a new leather jacket from Costco. What's that about?

[Chris DiStefano]

See, I'm fully It's wild too. Cause, like, I'm fully opposite. I never watched the history of comedy. I would watch like Jay Leno with my mom. Cause I slept in the same bed as my mom till I was like a sophomore in high school.

[Stavros Halkias]

That was incredible.

[Chris DiStefano]

Just like scared of the dark. Like, she literally had to tell me. She literally. I'll never forget, we used to watch Gay Life.

[Stavros Halkias]

Everyone who's making fun of Chris for continuously talking about how he's secretly gay, you got the guy's got some bulletproof points here. Coming. No contact. Sleeping in bed with his mother until he's fucking 15. He had pubes sleeping in bed with his mother.

[Chris DiStefano]

Well, that's what my mom that's what my mom literally had to tell me.

[Stavros Halkias]

That was the cutoff.

[Chris DiStefano]

Well, no, she said to me, she was like, Chris, like, your bedroom, first of all, she was like, we live in a very small apartment in Queens.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

So your bedroom. Wal shares a bedroom wall with mine. She goes, so I have a she had a serious boyfriend at the time. She was like, so I have a serious boyfriend now. She was like, and you are literally getting in the way of our relationship because he wants to come sleep over and, and try to be a family here, and you're in the bed with me. So she said so. Literally. She let me transition out. I swear to God. And this is the one time she let me do this. And I think it was smart by her because I was like, oh, this is uncomfortable in my room. 15 years old.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh my God. What about you don't want to beat off in your own bed, Dude, I.

[Chris DiStefano]

Would just do it when she went to work. I would just do it like in the shower. Yeah, dude. You find ways. When you grow up in a small apartment, you just find ways taking shits. Like, you just have to figure mean.

[Stavros Halkias]

The bedroom as a 15 year old, your own room. That's when you.

[Chris DiStefano]

So he slept over one day, he slept over one night. And she let me transition out and sleep on the floor in her bedroom.

[Stavros Halkias]

And while he's in there.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Stavros Halkias]

Like a dog.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

You're at the foot of your mom and your your would be stepdads. Like, I'm like, eagle.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah. Crazy.

[Stavros Halkias]

Dude, this is incredible.

[Chris DiStefano]

So she let Me. So. But even I. I woke up, I remember, at like 4:00 in the morning, and I was like, this is weird.

[Stavros Halkias]

You're like, what am I doing?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, what's good?

[Stavros Halkias]

She sort of. It's. That's to bring a dog analogy. She sort of rubbed. Rubbed your nose and.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Stavros Halkias]

Of sleeping in her room.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's why I said she's like a great mom and like, thought forward. Because she was like, oh, if he's. He's not going to want to be around us. And she was right. And it was even my dad, because my dad obviously didn't like any of my mom's boyfriend. So my dad was kind of like, liked it. He was like, yeah, keep sleeping. He was like.

[Stavros Halkias]

I was gonna say, yeah, there is some clear psychological. You're. I think you were pretending to be scared on some level to block your mother 100. Because you're. You didn't. You did want to sabotage her relationships.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Like one of. One of her, one of her boyfriends, this Jack dude that was like amazing at tennis. And I remember like, my dad just being like, your mother's into guys who play tennis now? Like, what? What? And I was like, which is hilarious.

[Stavros Halkias]

Cuz your dad cheated on her and. Left, right?

[Chris DiStefano]

No, he didn't cheat on her. But they did. No, he actually never cheated on her. They did. I just.

[Stavros Halkias]

Italian.

[Chris DiStefano]

I just assumed. Sorry.

[Stavros Halkias]

I've seen your dad. I would have guessed.

[Chris DiStefano]

He looks like.

[Stavros Halkias]

He looks like a guy who likes. That's all I'm saying. He likes lasagna. And if I could look at your dad, that's what. We sat at a Knicks game together. I was like, this guy rules.

[Chris DiStefano]

Rules. He. No, he. They divorced because my dad gambled. They had saved $9,000, like, for like, you know, like their life, whatever. And my dad gambled it all on a game between the New York Men's Mets and Montreal Expos. And he lost it all. And he tried to like double or nothing, get it back. And then he didn't pay the money back. And he had to get from my. My grandfather on my mom's side. He had to get money loaned from him, him to pay these guys back. And then one day, somebody called my.

[Stavros Halkias]

Mother'S house, got a menacing call.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. When I was baby. And they were like, we're going to break you. We'll hurt you and we'll hurt your son, Christopher. And my mom's immediate thought was, let me get on an Amtrak train and take us to the Amish country. And I wound up for two months in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, being fed shoo fly pie by some Amish wet nurse.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's where the tits come from. Yeah, that's where the. What you have to frame out with your true class.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, I got this Amish pie tits. And so.

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay, well, either way, way fully his fault, 100%. So it's just funny to be like, I this relationship up and put my family in jeopardy and now she wants to get. She wants to move on with her life. Sleep in the bed, Chris.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah, but. But he was even. I remember that night was like transition night. Like I had to sleep in my bed and I was like terrified, even though the room was right there. Cuz, you know, whatever. Just have this anxiety issues. And then my. I told my dad the next morning because I had a cell phone at that time, and I thought he was gonna, like, he was always on my side, like, yeah, you're right, whatever. But he was like, you know, you shouldn't be sleeping in the bed anymore. He goes, it's actually kind of weird.

[Stavros Halkias]

Even your dad.

[Chris DiStefano]

So once my dad turned on me, I was like, oh, okay.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

So my dad was like, you should sleep like you're 15.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, you know, whatever, dude. Folks, it's summertime, it's hot. Your balls are hanging low. They're soft.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Stavros Halkias]

You don't want the other part of your and balls combo being soft and droopy.

[Chris DiStefano]

Dude, what I want to see in you guys out there.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Is your rock hard penises on level 10. Dude, I'm sick and tired of.

[Stavros Halkias]

I want to chip a tooth on your.

[Chris DiStefano]

Dude, I was in the pool last week and I see this guy getting out of the pool and I'm like, look at his flimsy little uncircumcised penis.

[Stavros Halkias]

Let's not get crazy. I wanted to, the way God made us. That's true.

[Chris DiStefano]

But I. But if he was hard and uncircumcised, it's a different.

[Stavros Halkias]

It would roll back.

[Chris DiStefano]

Dude, I wanted to literally slip a blue chew pill that I. My pocket.

[Stavros Halkias]

Chris, they're chewable tablets, please.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right, but no, but they're tablet. Oh, right. I want to slip the blue chew tablet I had in my pocket. I want to slip her through the slit of his dick like it's a coin machine. Like I was getting a gumball.

[Stavros Halkias]

Don't work like that.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah. Well, you can chew it with your dick.

[Stavros Halkias]

No, they're still. They're still working on that technology right now. They're chewable. Put them in your mouth. Your dig will get harder than sin. That's what we want for you. I'm not. I'm not even fronting, guys. One of us on this, on this podcast has the product in their bloodstream right now.

[Chris DiStefano]

And could it be me? I have come all over my pants.

[Stavros Halkias]

So what we need you to do, folks, is we have a very special deal for you. Yes, a special deal for our listeners, us, the Summertime Bears. As always, get your first month of BlueChew Free. Just use promo code bears at checkout and pay for five bucks for shipping. That's it. Join BlueChew's mission to upgrade humanity one thrust at a time. Head to bluechew.com for details and safety info. And we thank, we thank you, bluechew, for sponsoring the podcast. We are on our knees, hard dicks, thanking bluechew for this sponsorship. You know, it's an interesting time for business, Christopher. Tariff and trade policies are dynamic, supply chains squeezed and cash flow flow tighter than ever.

[Chris DiStefano]

Stavi, let me tell you something. If your business can't adapt in real time, you're in a world of hurt.

[Stavros Halkias]

Ooh. You need total visibility from global shipments to tariff impacts to real time cash flow.

[Chris DiStefano]

I'm telling you, that's what.

[Stavros Halkias]

If you saw our group chats that will not stir the hell up about needing total visibility from global shipments to tariff impacts to real time cash flow.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's all I'm talking about. Every day is real time cash flow.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, that's Net Suite by Orange Oracle, your AI powered business management suite trusted by over 42,000 businesses. NetSuite is the number one cloud ERP for many reasons.

[Chris DiStefano]

Ours, Bert Kreischer calls it a cloud erp.

[Stavros Halkias]

Cloud. Herpes.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Bert has herpes.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Stavros Halkias]

It brings accounting, financial management, inventory, HR into one suite.

[Chris DiStefano]

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[Stavros Halkias]

That's right. And they help you know what's stuck, what's what it's costing you, and how to pivot fast. It's one system, full control. Tame the chaos with netsuite.

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh, shout out to my other podcast. Listen, here's the thing. I'm trading in my suites for nets netsuites. If your revenues are at least in the seven figures. And we know they are a lot.

[Stavros Halkias]

We know they are for you.

[Chris DiStefano]

We know they are. Download the free ebook navigating global trade. Three insights for leaders at netsuite.com bears that's netsuite.com bears. The one truth is netsuite. But then, dude, you know what's crazy is, like, then when I would, like, became, like, sexually, like, active with, like, my very first girlfriend, I was like, a senior in high school. I would exclusively want to have sex with her in my mom's bed. Okay. Is that weird? And now she mentioned it, and she was like, this is weird.

[Stavros Halkias]

You really were doing that?

[Chris DiStefano]

She was like, let's go in your room.

[Stavros Halkias]

You're not joking.

[Chris DiStefano]

No, because I was just like, that felt like my room.

[Stavros Halkias]

What the are you talking about, dude? This is insane. You were like, is that weird?

[Chris DiStefano]

I want to.

[Stavros Halkias]

The only one time I want to a woman is when she's in my mother's bed. The place I slept until I was 15. Nothing to interrogate about that.

[Chris DiStefano]

Is that why I was in child psychologist? So, yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

And now. Now the only way you can come is if your wife is in bed with another man and you're sleeping on the floor jacking off.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Some jack. Some guy's got to have a tennis racket in the bed while you hear them funk and jack off at the foot of the bed.

[Chris DiStefano]

My dad in earpiece telling me I'm weird and I have to have Jasmine in old lady cologne from the qv.

[Stavros Halkias]

Holy.

[Chris DiStefano]

It's weird, right?

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, man, that's weird. Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

So that's why I became a comedian. Not because I watched late night Comedy Central Premium blend. Holy.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's incredible.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, dude. Yeah. Yeah. We all have a path, right?

[Stavros Halkias]

We do, man.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's a. That's a very interesting path.

[Chris DiStefano]

I'll never forget one of my aunts, you know, who loves me very much. But I'll never forget the word she used to describe me once. And I overheard it. I was maybe 19 years old.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

And she was like, yeah. And you know my nephew, one of my nephews, like, you know, he's very flat funny. She's like, but he is disturbed. And I remember literally eating, like, a mozzarella stick that my mom had microwave being like, oh, that hurts.

[Stavros Halkias]

Disturbed.

[Chris DiStefano]

Disturbed. You don't want to be described as disturbed.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's tough.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

What were you. Were you doing anything else? Like, she didn't see you sleeping in the bed?

[Chris DiStefano]

No, no. But I I'm sure, you know, my. Their sister. So I'm sure my mom would be like, Christopher is like, I have a. Like, she should probably ask because I have a cousin the same age. She must be like, hey, does your daughter want to sleep in the bed with you? They're seniors in high school. Is that an issue?

[Stavros Halkias]

That's awesome.

[Chris DiStefano]

But so, so, yeah, so I, I just, when I think back sometimes, because now that I have kids, I'm like, oh, I hope my kids don't have, like, the peculiarities that.

[Stavros Halkias]

Are they showing anything?

[Chris DiStefano]

No, nothing. My stepson is just like a normal, you know, like at 15. 15 year olds these days are like, they play video games all day and they're not like, as social as, like, we were, but they're not like going out in the. It's just the way the kids are.

[Stavros Halkias]

Social, just in a different way.

[Chris DiStefano]

In a different way. Yeah. He talks to his friends online.

[Stavros Halkias]

You're like, yeah, this kid's weird. He doesn't even ask to sleep in the bed with us.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes. A lot of times I'll be like, in bed with, with Jazz. I'm like, come on, dude, we got real. That's why we got a California king.

[Stavros Halkias]

Dude, get at the foot. Get at the foot. Like a good 15.

[Chris DiStefano]

Come on, dude. I used to have to sleep in the bat with my mom and a queen. Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

These kids these days, totally ungrateful. They don't get they. We had to sleep in a twin with our moms in the back. These kids get a kid.

[Chris DiStefano]

You're like, chris, didn't you grow up in a three bedroom apartment? I'm like, that's not the point.

[Stavros Halkias]

Just two empty bedrooms. Yeah, you're. You're in a sleeping. You're like, mom, can we actually you get my sleeping bag?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, you know what's crazy too, is like, my room, when my family, when my, you know, my family now comes back, my mother still lives in the same apartment and my room is, like, untouched. Like, you would think that like, she had a, like, a son died. Yeah, she, like, has not. And I won.

[Stavros Halkias]

Some kid got like, Some kid got like, you know, abducted with the day the Challenger exploded.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right.

[Stavros Halkias]

And she's left the room. She's left the room completely. He's like, he'll be back. We're still just looking for him. The police, God bless our boys in blue. They're following every lead.

[Chris DiStefano]

They're family members. Yeah, I know. It's like, I still have, like, my sheets. Like, I'll take a picture of it, Josh. If I, if I can, I'll send it. Like, my sheets are still these like, like baseball, like just generic, like guys with like holding bats. And then my pillowcase is this big mitt, like a catcher's mitt pillowcase. And I have like this Knicks poster up from like 1994 when they went to the finals. Like, she left it untouched. Where even my daughter, my older daughter was like, why do your sheets? Like, why does she still have kids sheets? Like, she thought maybe there was a kid that still lived in that room because she was like, why does grammy have like little boy sheets in the room? Like we. Grammy went through a lot with daddy and I think I might have psychologically impacted her well being as well.

[Stavros Halkias]

You, you couldn't. You didn't want to grow up. And now she's like, where's my little boy? Yeah, she's expecting you to come back at any moment. It's also funny maybe, you know, I think it's for psychological reasons, but maybe that's why you didn't want to on your little kid sheets. You're like, maybe it feels weird to get hit on an Aladdin bedspread.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

You know what I mean?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. It's like, it's like I don't want to come on my ultimate warrior doll.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, that's beautiful, man. I mean. Yeah, that is hilarious. I, I had no other hang ups other than being fat. Like, I, I hate all my feelings. I didn't, I didn't have any weird sex stuff really.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right.

[Stavros Halkias]

Other than not being so I just have a classic childhood incel bring, you know, upbringing where it's like I would have loved everything I do is for attention, I think from women. It's like it start like you start doing it because like, oh, being funny in class is the only time the hot girls.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right.

[Stavros Halkias]

Look at me.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right.

[Stavros Halkias]

And then you just kind of chase that and so it's pretty, it's food in that. It's like I realized one point that all my, my, I am recreating. My mom was a waitress and I would watch SNL Saturday to wait until she came home. And sometimes she came home with tins of leftover calamari from the Greek restaurant.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's awesome.

[Stavros Halkias]

And it was like my best nights as a little kid were waiting for.

[Chris DiStefano]

I love it. It was a calamari with a little mercury in it.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yo. I like that low grade calamari. Delicious though. Delicious. So good. Ikaros restaurant made Rest in peace. It's no longer in business. I Hope it comes back.

[Chris DiStefano]

That was your family's restaurant.

[Stavros Halkias]

No, no, no, we weren't.

[Chris DiStefano]

She just worked there.

[Stavros Halkias]

She worked there. Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Okay.

[Stavros Halkias]

And my best nights were watching snl. And this would have been like the Sandler. The end of the Sandler Farley years. I'm a little kid, right. I'm born in 89 or maybe even like the early feral years. Whatever. Maybe I watched the, the, the Sandler ones on rerun on Comedy Central. But you know, in that zone in the mid-90s legends and you know, I'm talking four or five years old and my dad doesn't give a fuck. Let me watch whatever. Like that's when my dad was supervising me so I could watch SNL like 5 years old, 6 years old. And my. The best nights of childhood were a woman. I love bringing me fried food and watching comedy with me. And I'm like, I have, I'm chasing that feeling.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right.

[Stavros Halkias]

I do the comedy, man, now. And now I'm. I order the fried food and then I search my DMs.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

For a woman who I don't love, but who gets sort of, you know, fulfill a similar, you know.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Some cycle the way you wanted to on your mom's bed. I want to like eat fried food after comedy, you know.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

You're like, you're like comforting me.

[Chris DiStefano]

Can you come over with a pencil in your ear and a notebook?

[Stavros Halkias]

Can you stick around? Can you be around a fryer for.

[Chris DiStefano]

Four hours if you just put calamari slowly on my. While I jerk it to big daddy? Get some.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, do not. If you don't bring the fetish stained apron. Don't even come, bitch.

[Chris DiStefano]

Don't even come. Yeah, and grow the hair out on your arms a little. That's what I like. Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's beautiful though, man. But hey, your fucked up psychology has brought you where you are today.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's what it is today. Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

And we, we, I mean, we haven't even talked about the fact that you literally, you know, you, you, you have started sucking the Illuminati's dick. You were. You co. You guest hosted. This is your second guest hosting stint of the summer.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Stavros Halkias]

You guest hosted. Hosted Kimmel, which is, I mean, a true late night show.

[Chris DiStefano]

What I like. What I really.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's insane. Did any of this come up? You telling celebrities about jacking off, you know?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, I was sitting there with Julie Bowen just being like, hey, did you can. I'd love to have sex with you in my mother's room on ABC with my Mother. Front row in the crowd. You know what's crazy is I felt so good about that performance, and it was.

[Stavros Halkias]

You did great, by the way. And. And of course, I didn't watch.

[Chris DiStefano]

Nobody watches late night.

[Stavros Halkias]

I watched the clips, but you crushed it. And look, I thought you were gonna do good because you're a great. I think you're hilarious, but you really were a fucking natural up there, dude. Like, it was. It was really good.

[Chris DiStefano]

I appreciate that and I love that it came all Came just in time for late night to be over. I mean, I proved it to the.

[Stavros Halkias]

World, by the way. Been over.

[Chris DiStefano]

Not just.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's not.

[Chris DiStefano]

But now officially. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

It was like, you guess us. And they're like, Colbert's canceled.

[Chris DiStefano]

They're like, y. I have a manager. My manager, James Baby Doll Dixon, who's awesome. It's the manager of every Kimmel, Jon Stewart, Colbert, Bill, like, all.

[Stavros Halkias]

Anybody who's getting into print media, he's.

[Chris DiStefano]

The guy, like, he is the guy that makes late night stuff happen. And his response was, chrissy, baby, that was awesome. He goes, I Wish this was 15 years ago and we'd be able to get you a show. So I'm like, so anything for now. He's like, keep doing that podcast.

[Stavros Halkias]

He's like, yeah, maybe two Bears will need two extra episodes. Yeah, there you go. Maybe Burton Tom will take a little long. Able to be reshoots. Yeah, we'll have the fall bears for four weeks.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Yeah, maybe, maybe, maybe Tom will break his other leg on the set of the movies on. And then we can come and, you know, be. But it is. It is one of those things where, because, you know, we were talking about this before, like, podcasting, you know what, you know, we come on here, you know, we have some things we want to talk about. Most of it's you and I are just freelancing. We're just freelancing, going with the flow with late night tv. First of all, I really do genuinely have to. To say the way that I only have experience with Jimmy Kimmel, but the. The. The Jimmy. The way that that show is run is so insane. Like, I've never seen a more efficiently run business than that. Like, everybody knows exactly what they're supposed to do when they're supposed to do it. And even Jimmy himself, who was like on vacation, like, he's. He has guest host because he's like, taking the summer. He's in Italy, wherever the hell he's at. And even he's like texting me, like.

[Stavros Halkias]

Hey, any I'm going to have to need. I'm going to check in on this one. Yeah, Jelly roll, He'll handle it. But I'm going to keep a short leash on this Stephanie.

[Chris DiStefano]

He's like, he literally is like, send me the monologue. And then I read the monologue, his notes. He's like, I love these jokes, except after every single one, can you just yell fuck Trump. And I'm like, I can't upset my base.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, you're already. You're the opposite of Schultz, where you're like, I wish I would have had him on. Yeah, like you're trying to get him on now publicly. President Trump, I love what you're doing these days. Yeah, yeah, I like Cynthia Epstein did kill himself. President Trump. Come on, Chrissy. Chaos.

[Chris DiStefano]

So. So, you know, even Jimmy, like, helping them with the monologue. The writers, these guys, Josh and Danny, like, unbelievable. Like, you go in because the way it is, is, you know, I mean, this is a little in the weeds, but maybe some people find this interesting.

[Stavros Halkias]

Probably not, but do it fast.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. 90 seconds. I'm going to do this. Like an ad read. Yeah. Just, just imagine we're telling you to buy true classic T shirts. So you come in. The days are not that long. It's like you get in at 10am and you're done. You film that show from 4pm to 5pm so you're out by 5pm So I was walking out of there at 5:15, like having dinner with my family. It's like crazy. But you come in, you practice. They have a whole bunch of monologue jokes that you read out loud to a room. And there are no pity laughs. Their job is to say, we will laugh. We think this is funny. So the first round, you are mean eating it. You are eating it in front of like 40 people. Like you're eating it because you got to read these jokes, the ones that get even a slight. There's okay, circle those. And then you work and work and work. And then by the time then at 2pm you fully rehearse the monologue. But like the writers are writing the entire day and you're putting some of your spin on it, some of you know, the topical spin on it. And then the. All the guests are pre interviewed. So like I had like 10 questions for each guest. And believe it or not, although the guests were like Julie Bowen, Hannah Waddingham, which is two smoke shows.

[Stavros Halkias]

I mean, Hannah Waddingham was looking. I was, I clicked to. To be like, let's support my boy. And I'M like, do I need to watch Ted Lasso?

[Chris DiStefano]

She is, like. She is, like, stunning. And then Julie, she was out of control. Julie Bowen jumped on the desk at one point. Yeah. And then Jasmine was standing there with a 9 millimeter in the green room.

[Stavros Halkias]

She just got. You see her, like, putting on the silencer. Just like, get off the desk, bitch.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Yeah. Jazz. Literally, as soon as I got back out there, when the show was, like, over, I was, like, finally done.

[Stavros Halkias]

Now, do they know when they get booked? Are they. Is it like, when you ask someone to your podcast, they find out? It's when they find out it's you, is it like they put me on the Patreon? Is that what they feel like when it's you? Yeah, like, what the fuck, man?

[Chris DiStefano]

Well, the only one is. Is.

[Stavros Halkias]

Is.

[Chris DiStefano]

Is Julie. Like, she, like, found out, like, the day before, and she was, like, on the verge of canceling, but then she found out I used to be a physical therapist. So she was like, oh, I want to ask him about that. But then she never asked me about that. Instead, she just jumped on the D desk and I. She put her butt in my hand.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's pretty cool.

[Chris DiStefano]

And I had to just face Jasmine 20 minutes after. And Jasmine just goes, you know, I'm mad, but we're not going to deal with it now. We're going to have a good time. We're going to Disneyland tomorrow. We'll address it when we get home.

[Stavros Halkias]

We'll just post goofy.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, we'll dress when we get home. But then. But then, you know, we've been home now for a couple of days, and she hasn't said anything until I've reminded her on this podcast. But so, you know, you ask those questions. And to be honest with you, the hardest interview in that setting was with Shane, because Shane and I prepared the least because we were like, oh, we'll just kick it. But then you realize, like, that's not a podcast. Like, you. You got it in seven minutes. You gotta get points. What's interesting? What's funny? Have a bit. And so me and Shane, like, we had a great time, but we both were like, oh, this was hard. Like, this. We even said. Shane even said. He was like, this is harder than a pod.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. On the tv, just say slurs and get them bleeped out later.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. We were just like, but. But it was. It was one of those opportunities that I kind of. It's in a weird way, even though late night is. Is ending and there's no. Doesn't Feel like there's an opportunity to host Late Night. It did give me, like, this sense of confidence. Like, oh, I can do that. And I started to care less about, like, my ticket sales not being where they were or, like, you know, just any type of insecurity I've had about me. I've kind of been like, but you, you, you. Because it was one of those things where, like, a lot of times I'll do something in my career and I'll be like, yeah, you laughed at know it's. That wasn't as funny as you thought. I only sold tickets because it's a Saturday late show.

[Stavros Halkias]

This is the Chrissy Psychology episode.

[Chris DiStefano]

Welcome to my world.

[Stavros Halkias]

Jesus Christ. Sleeping in bed with your mom and dad. I'll have good things happen. I'll say, you're a fat piece of. You should have gotten your ass eaten, you homo.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's really what I was saying to Josh when I said, get me a croissant. I really wanted to say, lick my ass. And I'll put my hands up like I'm on a roller coaster. But. But so. But I felt confident about. I felt good. And I also just kind of do it. And by the way, I haven't said this publicly yet, but, Mr. Kimmel, if you're watching and we know that you are. Yeah, the way I was. Because I was very nervous. The way it was deeply farting into your seat is like, you should absolutely get. You know, go. Go to Stanley's cleaners. I mean, dude, I'm talking about where I ripped a fart with Hannah that I. Because I could not hold it. That I was like, if she's nervous farter. Because I couldn't get. If she smelled that, which maybe she did. I. There's no way to be like, it wasn't me. Like, if she would have addressed what does that smell like? I would have said, I've just shit my pants on national television. Because I. I. When I get nervous, it just. You know, I was also drinking a ton of psyllium husk, which is like, cleans out your colon. Because I just want to feel as Felt as possible.

[Stavros Halkias]

Wow.

[Chris DiStefano]

So I was just like, isn't that.

[Stavros Halkias]

What bottoms do before they get their ass fucked?

[Chris DiStefano]

That's right.

[Stavros Halkias]

I mean, it's all. We're literally like, we are forever. It's just like bullet points.

[Chris DiStefano]

The Turkish military is just like, he was so close, and it just crossing. He can for freaking psyllium husk.

[Stavros Halkias]

So you. Yeah, I. I had problems shitting and I would take. I try Some of that stuff. But if you take too much of it, you'll get backed up. It's actually a mistake to do.

[Chris DiStefano]

So what I over.

[Stavros Halkias]

If you're overdoing the psyllium husk.

[Chris DiStefano]

So I was in la, I was overdoing. I was taking two tablespoons of it. So now I've. I've got my. Called a doctor friend and he said you should do half of a tablespoon. So now I take it and it's just. Now I'll just take like a beautiful. Because you're.

[Stavros Halkias]

They come out a nice log gut.

[Chris DiStefano]

Health is if you take a beautiful S shaped. That's what you want to see when you look in the bowl. If you see S shape. Yes.

[Stavros Halkias]

For curl.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes. You want it to be curled and you want it sinking to the bottom. You want a nice dense floating S shape lock. And then, you know, I got a nice.

[Stavros Halkias]

I had a C. I had a nice dense.

[Chris DiStefano]

Cuz you want it to basically go through like your colon and like clean everything up. But if you were just splattering it like a paintball, that's not good.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah, I've been there. I've definitely had some Jackson Pollock. Some Jackson Pollock bowel movements. That's most of my life.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. You don't want your shit to look like Nickelodeon.

[Stavros Halkias]

Brown gak. Yeah, I think this gak went bad.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. But I mean, would you, Would you. If Jimmy gave or any late night host gave you the opportunity to do it, would you do it? Or would you be like, I don't want to even go into that world.

[Stavros Halkias]

I would love to. I mean, I would love to almost like. Because it is like, like nerd fantasy factory stuff. The way that like investment bankers pay to like pretend they're on the Yankees for a week, remember? What didn't they used to do that? Where it's like, they would do that in like the 90s.

[Chris DiStefano]

They still do fantasy camp. My friends go to it. They do Mets fantasy camp. My accountant does it. That's always a good text to get from account. Hey, I'll be unavailable for two weeks during tax season because I'm, I'm, I'm making believe I'm a pitcher for the Mets in Florida.

[Stavros Halkias]

I mean, that's hysterical.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, he does.

[Stavros Halkias]

Grown men. Grown men do. It's one thing if it was like for kids, but I would do it because of that. I would do it because I'm a comedy nerd. Because I love that stuff. Because not only I, you know, I respect late night, but also One of my favorite shows is the Larry Sanders show, which is all about what it was like to be. And it would just be like, you know, I'm a fan of comedy and I just want to try every. I would love to do it for sure.

[Chris DiStefano]

And you know what I think too, like late night. I understand the format as is is going away. I mean, even every, you know, the host Kimmel would admit that to you. Like, everybody knows going away. Colbert obviously, you know, is going away. But I do think it'll stay around in some capacity, but probably not on a nightly basis. Maybe like once a week. Like a Jon Stewart. The way Jon Stewart. It seems to be like, okay, if it's going to happen, it'll be like a once a week show, not a night.

[Stavros Halkias]

I did Mulaney show on Netflix. I love what they're doing where it's like, that's loose. It's conversational. It's something different. It's. The live aspect was really cool.

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh, there's a live studio audience.

[Stavros Halkias]

No, but I mean, when we're going, it's going out into the world.

[Chris DiStefano]

So Melanie show.

[Stavros Halkias]

Whatever you're saying.

[Chris DiStefano]

Zero edits.

[Stavros Halkias]

Zero edits.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's cool.

[Stavros Halkias]

And that felt. Gave it a real sense of energy. And so like, they're doing. They're. People are doing interesting, interesting stuff. And it's like that, right. Where it's like, it's not every day. Right. Did it for a specific set amount of time. So, yeah, I think live weirdly might be the solution because it felt cool. It felt like.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right.

[Stavros Halkias]

And then, you know, kids. That's what every kid takes in all their. I think we're going backwards where it's like, it's gonna be like live simulcasts. Because what's the most successful thing in the world is Twitch streaming.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Stavros Halkias]

Like, it's just kids online constantly.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Shout out to Hassan.

[Chris DiStefano]

Shout out Hasan Piker. Yeah, that's my guy. Yeah, they, you know, it's funny too. You say, like, going backwards because, like, my kids, dude, we. So it's.

[Stavros Halkias]

What do they watch?

[Chris DiStefano]

So they want. I mean, first of all, they're watching K pop and the Demon Hunters. It's the biggest movie in Netflix history. I mean, these Koreans are taking over.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

So.

[Stavros Halkias]

And I'm ready for it.

[Chris DiStefano]

And I love it, by the way, the movie K pop and Demon Hunters. At first you're like, I can't keep watching this. But then, like, when the kids fall asleep, you'll just keep watching it. You're like, I love it. But so what's interesting is my kids have really, like, they love watching. Watching Everybody Loves Raymond.

[Stavros Halkias]

Reba.

[Chris DiStefano]

Like, they like those sit mom who works too hard.

[Stavros Halkias]

Great theme song. Never survive.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Works too hard but never stops. Yeah. Really?

[Stavros Halkias]

They watch Old Sick, so they like that.

[Chris DiStefano]

And then, dude, the other day on. I think we were Amazon prime maybe, whatever. Jasmine was just scrolling and the girls were like. My daughters were like, kind of falling asleep or whatever. And then Jasmine sees Saved by the Bell, so she puts it on. And then literally, literally the theme song comes on and we just start going when you wake up in the morning and we're literally. Me and Jasmine are singing Make It All. Like, it came over us, of course. Like, we weren't. We weren't saying we're gonna sing the song. We just started doing it in harmony where my 10 year old got up and was like, what happened?

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. Like, she was shocked. Yeah. Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

And then she's like, what is happening? And we're like, this is Saved by the Bell.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

And then she's like, what? What is this? And then the first season of Saved by the Bell.

[Stavros Halkias]

I don't know if you remember, like, weird.

[Chris DiStefano]

It's weird. I like the character. It's like miss. About this teacher, Ms. Bliss, who's like, barely in it. It's weird. But still, it's like Zach and Screech and.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, dude. I remember being a fat little loser. Being like, I'm Zach. Yeah, seriously, I'm exactly like Zach.

[Chris DiStefano]

And then you're Screech.

[Stavros Halkias]

And then. Yeah, yeah. If I could have been. I wish I was Screech. You know, screen. Didn't Screech get to, like, kiss Lisa once or something.

[Chris DiStefano]

He kissed Lisa?

[Stavros Halkias]

I never got that. No.

[Chris DiStefano]

And then so. And so. So anyway, my daughters, that's like, they watch it like they're watching every episode of Saved by the Bell now because I can tell, like, yes, you know.

[Stavros Halkias]

There mattered to you.

[Chris DiStefano]

But it. It doesn't even. Like jazz and I will be like, in another part of the house. I'll be upstairs or whatever, and they'll just be watching that on their own. Like, they like that entertainment better than the current stuff. Like, it was. What? Oh, they want to watch YouTube and all that. And they still do a little bit. But I'm watching my children transition from, like, YouTube short shorts of like, just some guy who's like, clearly exploiting his daughter to, like, so he can be famous.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

He's like, let's take her to the mall and play a prank.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. Like that guy Big Ju or aj. Big justice and aj.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's awful. It's awful.

[Stavros Halkias]

Something's off.

[Chris DiStefano]

It literally feels like child abuse.

[Stavros Halkias]

It is.

[Chris DiStefano]

Whatever. And so, and so, and so. So there. And without Jazz and I even saying anything, they're going to watch that. Or they'll watch like, you know, Devil Wears Prada. They'll watch like old school movies. Like, they love watching, watching. They love watching like anything from Adam Sandler's, like, old stuff. Like they watch Click and Big Daddy and all that. And then I was like, oh, we should start having them watch Woody Allen movies. And Jazz was like, what? She was like, woody Allen. I was like, we don't have to tell him like about the guy, what.

[Stavros Halkias]

He was up to.

[Chris DiStefano]

I was like, the movies are good though. Let's listen.

[Stavros Halkias]

Hey, they're my biological daughters. I'm not gonna do nothing. And my step kid's a dude. Yeah. So we're fine.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm not gonna go Woody mode on them. Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

And so.

[Stavros Halkias]

And so it's.

[Chris DiStefano]

It's also.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's hilarious because you're like, yeah, they should watch Manhattan. And then you're like, children are dating adult men about. He's like dating a 16 year old.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Or something up.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

And then in Annie hall, there's a moment that was like, I was enjoying anyone. It is a great movie. But there was a moment where, where I'm like, wow, good movie. And then his. There's a, there's a scene where his friend is like trying to convince him, tell him how cool LA is. And he's like the unbelievable. Something like this. I'm paraphrasing. But he's like, max, you know, these girls come up me to party. They're unbelievable. They're twins. It's like, okay, incest. Kind of weird. It was like, you know, hot, gorgeous. And then he's like 16 as like a selling point of like, this is the kind of you can in LA is children like. And Woody's like, you could see him be like, that sounds awesome. Like in the setting 70s 16 was a selling point to these freaks. Yeah, it's maybe keep your.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

11 year old daughter away from media like that.

[Chris DiStefano]

I know.

[Stavros Halkias]

You're like, oh, I just signed them over this modeling company over this night. It's in a Caribbean island. I don't know much about it. Well, they had it down couple years, but apparently they're rebuilding. They're making it Greater St. James now.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, I know. Last week, I swear we're in the kitchen and we had seen. We had taken the family to see Jurassic park, and they loved it. You know, Scarlett Johansson's in it. And I said to Jazz, I was like, oh, we watch Match Point. That has Scarlett Johansson. It's a Woody Allen movie. And she's like, you mean the one where they murder Scarlett Johansson? You want to show Delilah that she was just saying how much she loves Scarlett Johansson in Jurassic park so she wasn't eaten by a dinosaur. You wanted to get murdered, then her body buried and hidden from the law. On Match Point, she's like, are you a dummy? She's like, we're not. We're not putting on that movie for her.

[Stavros Halkias]

Let's watch the Lovely Bones.

[Chris DiStefano]

She was like, oh, we can watch her as a Marvel heroine star. And that. Would that be empowering for our daughter?

[Stavros Halkias]

I was like, oh, I just watched the movie where she actually. Again, I don't know why this keeps happening. It was a. It was a Coen Brothers movie. The Man. I think it was called the man from Nowhere. Is that right?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Can you look that up, Ben? Spoony. But she's in it. No, the man from Nowhere is a Korean movie that I watched. Look up the man from the Man. Something. The man from Coen Brothers.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Anyway. No, not a serious man. That's a good one, too. Fuck, I'm blowing it. This is bad podcasting. Who cares? It doesn't matter. But, yeah, there. There's a weird. Yeah, there's an old man obsessed with Scarlett Johansson, and she falls in love with him. Don't show them that movie either, dude.

[Chris DiStefano]

You know, it was funny. I took. I took my steps, and I got invited to the Jurassic park, like, man.

[Stavros Halkias]

Who wasn't there. Sorry. Like, interesting movie. It's like, Gandolfini's in it. If you're a Gandolfini fan who isn't? Because he didn't do that much film work. He plays a really interesting character. But, yes, Scarlett Johansson is. There's a weird relationship. There's a weird. So don't show this to your. I'm just telling you not to show your daughters right now. It's weird. Well, it's a good movie.

[Chris DiStefano]

It's cool, too, because I went with my stepson to the Jurassic park premiere, and it was great. And, you know, obviously Scarlett Johansson is there. You know, like, it's a premiere, and it was so funny. She was obviously gorgeous. She was wearing, like, this white dress. It was like the first time I ever saw my stepson. Like, he was lit because they gave us Jurassic because he's a child. They gave him a Jurassic Park LEGO set. So I just watched him holding his LEGO set by, like, the plastic, just, like, looking at Scarlett Johansson for, like, way too long. And I was like, I get it, buddy. And he was like, what do you mean? I was like, she's beautiful. He was like, no, she's not. And then just. He just walked away with the LEGO set in front of his crotch, just running back to the car, and then just ran up to the room and locked his door.

[Stavros Halkias]

Wow. To the premiere.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Well, you know what's great? Here's what's awesome here. Here's how I fell into that.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Is what happened is. Is when I was doing the hey Bay podcast with Sal Vulcano, obviously, you know, in practical joke, jokers, whatever, he took me as a plus one once to. He gets him. You know, they get invited.

[Stavros Halkias]

You gotta have the chokers at your right. If you wanna. If you want to be a Hollywood power player, you gotta have.

[Chris DiStefano]

Dude, you need Sal.

[Stavros Halkias]

Mer and the boys. Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

You need Q and Mir and an earpiece. And then Sal running and giving Colin Joseph atomic wedgie on the red carpet.

[Stavros Halkias]

So, so, so. But.

[Chris DiStefano]

But, you know, it was. It was great. He took me as his plus one.

[Stavros Halkias]

What was it?

[Chris DiStefano]

It was. What? What was it? Santino's movie. What was Santino's movie?

[Stavros Halkias]

Ricky Stanicki.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes. Ricky Stanicki. So we went.

[Stavros Halkias]

And.

[Chris DiStefano]

And. And so I got made friends with, like, the person who, like, invited him. I made friends with that person. And now I. I know what happens. They'll email Sal. He can't make it. And then I will get email if.

[Stavros Halkias]

The rest of the jokers can't make it. And then if the guy who's the magician on TruTV.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Oh, the carbonaro effect.

[Stavros Halkias]

Bolsonaro's the Brazilian fascist.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, that's another show.

[Stavros Halkias]

The carbonara effect. If he can't make it.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Then you get the.

[Chris DiStefano]

Then I get the call. Because I can always tell, like, if the premiere, like, the premiere, I believe, was like, a Tuesday, I get emailed Monday night at 9:45pm they're like, okay, now we are in desperation mode. What other New York idiot can just show up? So I'm thankful to Sal for that, but that's.

[Stavros Halkias]

He's a good friend and doing better than you.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Stavros Halkias]

So that you can go. You can go to the things he's too busy for.

[Chris DiStefano]

And it's one of those things where I think the. The person who sends me the emails is Always thankful for me because I almost never say no. I'm always like immediately available.

[Stavros Halkias]

They're like, yeah, well, if we got a professional seat filler would cost us $25 an hour.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Chris will just do it for free.

[Chris DiStefano]

And he'll post it. Yeah, it'll be good. He'll talk about it on a pod.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

But it was. By the way, let me just. I don't know if we. If you've seen it, but the new Jurassic Park I personally think is the best one.

[Stavros Halkias]

There's no way that's true.

[Chris DiStefano]

It's underwater.

[Stavros Halkias]

You mean the. Including the first Jurassic Park.

[Chris DiStefano]

It's not. Okay. It's the second best one since the first one. But dude, though, wow, high praise.

[Stavros Halkias]

If you bring Chris Stefano to your PR event, you're gonna get quotes like cool quotes like that. It's the second best one since the first one.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's year to your first, folks. Middle of the road, Jurassic park movie. But it is underwater. And his son did get hard at the premiere.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's the thing. Nothing controversial. Yeah, you could have that. Or the Joker's your call. It is. No, it's awesome because it's all the whole. There's a. You know, first of all, dinosaurs start eating people immediately. Then you get underwater. The whole. There's, there's. I heard.

[Stavros Halkias]

I haven't seen yet, but I heard the cool elements were. That there is. It's almost like video game. Like where there's different bosses, there's sea, air.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Stavros Halkias]

And like land.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right? Oh, yeah, dude. The one in the air. These pterodactyls are like. Because what the premise of the movie is is basically like they're mutant dinosaurs like that they abandoned the real Jurassic park, which we knew as kids. You know, they abandoned Jeff Goldblum's Jurassic Park 35 years ago. And now they've just been. But the scientists before they left, you know, basically left this dinosaurs a bunch of stero and mutation things and they've eaten them all and procreated. So now you have like a T. Rex with like half a head that's 10 times too big or you know, some sea monster that's like a football field long.

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay.

[Chris DiStefano]

And it was just awesome.

[Stavros Halkias]

And you have to get their jizz or something, right?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes. You have to get. They have to. They have to get some of their blood.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm not even kidding. It sounds like I'm making a joke that you have to get their DNA.

[Chris DiStefano]

No, they have to get their DNA in order to cure heart disease. In amongst humans. Really? It makes sense, dude.

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay, yeah. Everything you're saying, you're selling it. Great. Yeah, it makes sense.

[Chris DiStefano]

We're all sitting in the movie. Movie. Being like, can't they just take statins? Do they not have just regular cholesterol lowering medicine?

[Stavros Halkias]

Interesting. Yeah, I haven't seen that. I saw Eddington, which I really liked. What's that one about Ariast movie? It's. It's about. It's like a Covid movie, which I thought it would be too early for. And part of me was a little like, I'm like, I don't really want to think about the pandemic, but it basically takes place. It's like a small town. Sheriff is in this, like, town, and I think the southwest somewhere, maybe Arizona or something. And he. No, no, no. He's like. He's like, it's in. Yeah, it's in the. It's in somewhere in the desert. Right. And Joaquin Phoenix plays a small town sheriff who's like, you know, masks are bullshit. And Pedro Pascal plays like, kind of like a centrist lib politician who's like, hey, we have to have. You know, we have to. And then Pascal's or. I'm sorry, Joaquin's married to Emma Stone, who's like, mom is a crazy QAnon. It, like, it hits all the, like. And there's all these like, Black Lives Matter kids.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

You know, like young. And then there's like. There's a very. There's very funny. And it's like an insane movie. But I. I really loved it. It was like. It was. There was. There was some incredible laugh. There's one big laugh at the end of the movie, even though. And it's got like some very. Some crazy twists and turns, but some great acting performances. I think Ariash is a great filmmaker. You know, he did Hereditary, which is.

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh, Hereditary is one of the scariest movies I've ever seen in my life.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

I mean, when Tony Collette starts banging her head off the wall and you're terrified of your mother, like that dude.

[Stavros Halkias]

And I'm not.

[Chris DiStefano]

I was like, he definitely doesn't sleep in the bed with his mom.

[Stavros Halkias]

No. No. Or maybe he does too much. Yeah. Some. He's got. He shares some kind of. Some kind of psychology with you, for sure.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

But, yeah, I wasn't a horror movie guy literally until I saw Hereditary, and that kind of. Kind of got me more into the genre. And now. And then I being a fucking. The fat idiot I am now, I'm just into like 80s horror movies that are basically softcore pornography.

[Chris DiStefano]

You ever seen Midsommar?

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, he did Midsummer. He's great. And so it's a weird. It's a strange. It's, you know, two and a half hours long. But I really liked it. I thought it was really fun. So go check it out. So anyway, that's Stavin Chrissy's movie corner. For some reason there it is. But it's very important to note, it is episode 300.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Stavros Halkias]

Right, it is. And you can tell how much Tom and Bert care because we're here.

[Chris DiStefano]

We're here. Yeah. You can tell how much Josh cares with a leaned over three and two zeros that look like butts.

[Stavros Halkias]

This is what he means. You guys are zero. We have two zeros hosting this episode.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Yeah. That's what he really wants to say.

[Stavros Halkias]

So we have last week or. Yes, the first episode. Episode we had, Bert had a video message. Now our dear one half, our dear leader Tom has left us a message for this episode. So let's. Let's. Let's use that to take us out here, folks. Let's see what big Timmy's got to say to us.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Look at that svelte face. Nice manicured. Yeah, he does. He does. At the same time, he looks like. He's very. He does look like. Like just this picture alone. He does look like. Like a gay daddy.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, right? Oh, yeah. Like they're dying daddy.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Stavros Halkias]

And he does kind of look like my dad right now.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right.

[Stavros Halkias]

My dad has a similar bald head. Gray.

[Chris DiStefano]

You're not thin like this, right? It's Tom's, like, nice.

[Stavros Halkias]

And my dad. No, I know you. You'd assume my dad's, you know, fat as my dad is. Actually. He's actually not as svelte as Tommy, but, yeah, he's. He's, you know, he does remind me a little of my father right now. Hey, guys, Big fan of the pod. I just want to congratulate you on your 300th episode. Thanks for, man. I personally prefer you way, way, way more than the previous hosts.

[Chris DiStefano]

And I. The comments agree. 300 more episodes of you guys.

[Stavros Halkias]

And just you guys doing this podcast.

[Chris DiStefano]

So you, you know, you've really come a long way.

[Stavros Halkias]

And I'm a fan of I'll never.

[Chris DiStefano]

Do that pod myself again. But I'm glad you guys are doing it.

[Stavros Halkias]

I also wanted to point out that I guess maybe I'm like Chris because we're both a little gay. A little is a stretch.

[Chris DiStefano]

I do want to defend the fact.

[Stavros Halkias]

That as a woman. I'm not.

[Chris DiStefano]

I'm not going to stand for any, like, slander of like Tom as a lady.

[Stavros Halkias]

Like, I was. That I was cute.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's a cute, awesome chick.

[Stavros Halkias]

And both of you be honest. Both of you would that girl.

[Chris DiStefano]

Savi. I'm not even going to entertain the idea.

[Stavros Halkias]

I didn't say I wouldn't her.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, you would too. Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Bert's ass. Look.

[Chris DiStefano]

He was.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, she was dirty. He was gross. Yeah, she's a nice girl. She was nice.

[Chris DiStefano]

She is. I just think that you might come with her 100%. She looks like the kind of girl that I'd have sex with after a Trump rally.

[Stavros Halkias]

She had kind eyes. I will.

[Chris DiStefano]

And.

[Stavros Halkias]

And it's least. It did feel like a woman as opposed to Bert's, which did feel like Bert. But yeah, the point. Your point is taken, Tom.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

And nice try. We don't want. Listen, we're playing violin on the Titanic right now, but we're getting out on one of the life. You are coming back in five in four weeks or whatever it is we. Nice try trying to saddle us with this.

[Chris DiStefano]

I like Tom's 1950s secretary women glasses too. I like that you should put those glasses on the girl version. Oh, you. Because you look like Hannah G. That's more your speed. Yeah, I like Australian women.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

You know what? That's fair. I actually did feel. I re. Looked at. Because we. We posted the clip. I looked at it. I. I agree with Tom.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

I. I point rescinded. And I never said I wouldn't her. I don't think.

[Chris DiStefano]

No, no, I never.

[Stavros Halkias]

I just.

[Chris DiStefano]

You know, we were actually clearly stating that we wouldn't have sex with Burke, but we would both have sex with Tom.

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay, great. That's what I thought.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Yeah. And I was. I was.

[Stavros Halkias]

I run the tape and we're just lying.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. Josh puts it in. We're like, yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Boone up up to his tricks again. We got spooned.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, we did get spooned.

[Chris DiStefano]

But I think. I honestly think that I thought Tom is. Is. Is a beautiful man and a beautiful woman.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'll say that I agree. Yeah, no, that's fair. And that's the note to end episode 300 on.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's it.

[Stavros Halkias]

Thank you guys for listening. We are having fun. We will not do this podcast full. Let's just put that in. I'll give my lawyer to make sure. Actually, I'm gonna go look at the contract I signed because I bet you that we.

[Chris DiStefano]

It.

[Stavros Halkias]

We didn't read. Well enough. And they're like, after the sixth episode, you stop payment. But you have to do it forever.

[Chris DiStefano]

You have to do it forever.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, I bet you that's what we signed. So I'm gonna go talk to my lawyer, and we'll see you guys next week. Bye. Bye.

[Chris DiStefano]

Bert and Tom. Tom and Bert. One goes tops while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and burs the machine. There's not a chance in hell that.

[Stavros Halkias]

They'Ll keep it clean.

[Chris DiStefano]

Here's what we call two bears, one cave.