← 2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
01:08:19
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- [00:00]
Bert Kreischer
100%.
- [00:05]
Tom Segura
Welcome to another episode of Two Bears, One Cave. We're in Los Angeles with the hit.
- [00:13]
Bert Kreischer
Show on Netflix streaming right now. Number two, bad Thoughts. Congratulations, buddy.
- [00:19]
Tom Segura
Thanks, buddy.
- [00:20]
Bert Kreischer
Congratulations. It is awesome. We went to the premiere last week, saw the first three episodes, and I sat right behind you. I was howling, laughing the whole time.
- [00:29]
Tom Segura
You were. It was awesome to hear you, actually.
- [00:32]
Bert Kreischer
And then Leanne and I. The last night. It started streaming yesterday, and Leanne and I watched the last three episodes. I got high before I watched them, and I realized halfway through Tom, that I was doing this weird smile laugh I've never done, where my eyes were, like, scared, but I was. I was smiling. I was going like this. When you. Okay, let's. Let's pick apart bad, bad thoughts because, I mean. I mean, it's. Millions and millions of people are watching it right now.
- [01:00]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
- [01:00]
Bert Kreischer
And. And it's still. We. This is the next week, so we don't know. Or the week after. Whatever. We don't know where it is right now, but I'm guarantee you it's still in the top 10. It is so fucking funny. But it is. God damn it. It is so your sense of humor.
- [01:14]
Tom Segura
It is my sense of humor. It totally is. Yeah. I mean, you know, I got. I got a call yesterday because I had screened the first couple, basically the first one for my mom, and she called me yesterday, and she just goes, I watched your whole show and just quiet. And I go, and what'd you think? And she goes, absolutely horrendous. She goes, it's so embarrassing that I have to see my friends and know that they could see this.
- [01:50]
Bert Kreischer
That's when comedy's at its best.
- [01:52]
Tom Segura
Yeah, I get it.
- [01:53]
Bert Kreischer
You are so. You are such an open book in this.
- [01:56]
Tom Segura
I know, right?
- [01:57]
Bert Kreischer
Parents. My parents started watching it.
- [02:00]
Tom Segura
Oh, my God.
- [02:01]
Bert Kreischer
Dad called this morning. He goes, the fuck was I watching? The fuck is this eating guys? He's eating his ass. I mean, what the fuck? They let that on Netflix. You are the definition. Every fucking person who. Who goes, I want to show on Netflix, but I don't want any notes.
- [02:19]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
- [02:21]
Bert Kreischer
You are the only person I've ever seen do that.
- [02:23]
Tom Segura
I mean. Yeah, it kind of does feel like that. The only note they ever gave me was don't say the N word.
- [02:29]
Bert Kreischer
By the way. By the way, that was one of my favorite sketches is. Okay, let's pick apart my favorite sketches.
- [02:35]
Tom Segura
Okay, sure.
- [02:36]
Bert Kreischer
My favorite one, number one, I will tell you right now, this is the best. I think you have the best opening to a Netflix show. I've ever seen. That sketch. The assassin sketch is so brilliant. It's so brilliant because it. It builds in such an unexpected way, but it's such a great way to grab a viewer and go, this is what you're ready for. You go over the top in places that are like the perfect. You walking with shit on your legs. I was crying, laughing. And then are someone else on this phone, like, it is such.
- [03:07]
Tom Segura
And we got Shea Wiggum in that, who's, like, playing the guy on the other end of the phone.
- [03:11]
Bert Kreischer
I met him.
- [03:12]
Tom Segura
Which. Yeah, but he's, like, unbelievable actor, you know, so, like, crazy getting those people in it. Like, Dan Stevens was in a couple. Daniella Pineda. It made everything, you know, Especially if you take a stupid, like, a silly, absurd idea and you have, like, a real actor go like, hey, ground this. I think it just makes everything better.
- [03:31]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, that. That was. That was a great way to start. I will say, to date, my favorite sketch out of all of them.
- [03:39]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
- [03:39]
Bert Kreischer
Is the talent show.
- [03:41]
Tom Segura
Oh, really? With the. Okay.
- [03:43]
Bert Kreischer
Is that one man. And I think. Because I feel like. I feel like it would have. I feel like your dad would have loved it.
- [03:50]
Tom Segura
Oh, yeah. He would have been like, what's the funny part? That's all very real. Those are all things that I, like, heard him say, you know, about Vietnam. So that. The funny thing about that one, like, if you want to know the. The story is I wrote it as me taking my son to say goodbye to my dad on his deathbed. And then I go, is there anything you want to tell him? And then he starts saying all this war shit. And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa. He's like, what? And I'm like, okay. So it just keeps progressing. And we had that. That was written. It was, like, ready to go. And then in the writer's room, just discussing it. This idea came out of, like, what if it came out of the kid? But it's from the gr. And I was like, oh, that's better. That is better way.
- [04:39]
Bert Kreischer
That's so good. The. The. The. The. The. This guy sketch.
- [04:47]
Tom Segura
Oh. Oh, yeah, yeah. The Portal stuff with. With Rob Eiler.
- [04:51]
Bert Kreischer
I don't want to give it away. In case you haven't seen. If you haven't seen it, you should see it. But I. But the Kirk Fox part, it's.
- [04:57]
Tom Segura
He's so.
- [04:58]
Bert Kreischer
The reveal is my. Is my favorite. Is my favorite. How'd you do it? It's so good. It's so good. And by the way, he's awesome in the one I mean, I don't want to tease too much to like. Yeah, but like, the dad and the cake and that fucking had me. Tom, like this. Like.
- [05:19]
Tom Segura
That one is. Yeah, that's one of my favorites, too. I. I love the black and white one with the. The.
- [05:25]
Bert Kreischer
Shut the fuck up. I didn't realize that was you.
- [05:28]
Tom Segura
That's me, yeah.
- [05:29]
Bert Kreischer
Leanne. I'm watching it, and Leanne's like, that's fucking Tom. And I went, no. She goes, no, that's Tom. I go, no, no, I met the lady that plays that. And she goes, you met the other lady? And I was like, oh, shit, you're right. Yeah, dude, that.
- [05:44]
Tom Segura
That's one of my favorite ones. I mean, they're all kind of like. They feel like they're your. Your babies, you know? But, yeah, we had a really fun premiere that you came to, Leanne. A bunch of people that were in it. It was a really.
- [05:58]
Bert Kreischer
I hope people start saying, I slept like a homo last night. I like a Jew. Like, there's. It was. The airplane sketch was really funny to watch you defend your old bits.
- [06:11]
Tom Segura
Yeah, that was fun.
- [06:12]
Bert Kreischer
That was really great, man. That was really great. And then it was. Every bit of it. It was. It was really. It should inspire every comic who wants to make something to really make it in their voice, because that's what you did, you know, just like. Like, I'll say tires is Shane's voice, like, fucking. That is Shane. That is if you hang out with Shane. That is with. If you're in a car with Shane, if you're on a bus with Shane, if you're on a plane with Shane, if you're at a bar with Shane, that is Shane. This is you to a fucking T. It is so. It's so funny. It's what I thought is. It's undeniable. Because if someone doesn't like it, then. Yeah, you don't like Tom, I guess, then that's cool.
- [06:54]
Tom Segura
Yeah, totally.
- [06:55]
Bert Kreischer
We all have different types of humors. You can't deny it's not funny, but if you go, it's too much for me, then you go, yeah, okay, I get it.
- [07:01]
Tom Segura
Yeah. Yeah, no, totally. I mean, that's, you know, the feedback. I. I. Because I think people in some of the people in production, I. I prepared them for this. I was like, I go, this isn't a. A standup special. But I go, it's. The same kind of thing is going to happen. It comes out. I go, you're going to have a lot of people shower it with love and say how great it is. And then I go, if you want, you can just keep looking and you find the people that are like, I hate. This is the worst. I go, just don't. You can't, like, just focus on it. You just have to accept it's part of how it goes. You put something out. You're not in control of how people react. But, like, we love it, The. The people that made it. And I'm like, just, you know, be happy that some people really love it, and then just, you know, move forward. You can't.
- [07:44]
Bert Kreischer
Like, I haven't read it. I mean, I. You come up. You. And you come up in my news thread. I've blocked me. My name never comes up, but you come up in my news thread.
- [07:53]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
- [07:53]
Bert Kreischer
And I've. And I saw, like, three things, all very fucking positive.
- [07:57]
Tom Segura
Oh, that's cool. That's cool. I mean, yeah, I kind of have a Zen attitude now that Christina was actually complimenting me on it. She was like, you're not, like, checking all the time. I'm like, yeah, no, it's out. I can't do anything. It's out.
- [08:11]
Bert Kreischer
You can't do anything about it, man. You made it and you had fun making it, and it's. And I would. I'd argue you grew from making it. Like, you're. I think I can see your thumbprint all over it. How much. How. How much did you fight for things and how much did you allow the writers to convince you?
- [08:29]
Tom Segura
I mean, you know, that's a great question. I loved that writer's room because we had brilliant people in it. We had Matt Zimmen, Craig Girard, Connor, Galvin, Rami Hishash, Jeremy Connor, Greg Tuculescu. And it was this great room where I came in with things that some things were already written. I would go, here's the thing. And we would talk about it, and some of them would keep a lot of what was there, and some of it would evolve. It was always better after the writers worked together. Sometimes we would discuss one and somebody would take a stab at it, and then we would all punch it up together. So it was this whole process. The funny one, because the guy Jeremy told me this later. He was like, I'm glad you fought for. Slept like a homo. He goes, because we would have a wall with pins of, like, our. Our definite yeses. And then another wall had, like, we're considering it. And that slept like. I kept getting moved to considering, and I would take it out and put it on definite wall, you know, and he'd be like, how did it make it back here? I go, I fucking put it back here. We're doing.
- [09:33]
Bert Kreischer
Did you direct that one?
- [09:34]
Tom Segura
Yeah, I directed that one.
- [09:36]
Bert Kreischer
I could tell. I was like. I was like, was it. You weren't in it?
- [09:38]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
- [09:39]
Bert Kreischer
And I was like. And I was like, wait, the heat. I knew you were directed. Did you direct a bunch or just that one?
- [09:43]
Tom Segura
3. I directed that one. I directed the grandparents one. The. The speech. The. The little kid.
- [09:49]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, are you serious?
- [09:50]
Tom Segura
I directed that one and then I directed the one with Bobby Lee, which. He's so funny, dude. Like, when you see our blue. Our bloopers reels coming out soon, I. Looking into his eyes and trying to say that, seriously, it was. I mean, I thought we were gonna have to do 30 takes. I was like, I can't do this. Every time I look at him, I just start laughing. I just could not. Just looking at him made me laugh, which is gonna make him upset.
- [10:20]
Bert Kreischer
How much were you guys on Book versus Improv?
- [10:24]
Tom Segura
There was some. There was some improv in that. Especially, like, when we got to the end of the bed and we were talking, like, you know, I'm like a sandwich, and you're like, like. So I was doing different versions of that, and they were making us laugh every time.
- [10:35]
Bert Kreischer
Like, I'm in that. I wondered how much the writers were throwing lines at you, because I was like, he doesn't know what some of these meats are.
- [10:43]
Tom Segura
They were. They were throwing things, like. Because different ones would visit on different days, and whenever they came, they would have, you know, a bunch of ideas and we would try stuff. But they're. They're the greatest guys. I mean, I had just. I have nothing but good things to say.
- [10:57]
Bert Kreischer
They.
- [10:57]
Tom Segura
They. They always were, like, throwing out ideas. So were Jeremy and Ramy, like, always just, what if we did this? You know, suggesting new. New ways to play it or a different line. But yeah, there was a. There was a good. A good bit of improv, but I feel like most of it, we tried to stick to what we wrote.
- [11:13]
Bert Kreischer
This episode of Two Bears One Cave is brought to you by NASCAR. The 2025 NASCAR season is headed to Charlotte Motor Speedway for one of their crown jewel races. It is a celebration of patriotism along with 600 miles of intense racing action. This is the longest race of the NASCAR season. 600 miles of bumping, banging and intensity. And anything can happen during this marquee event. Don't miss the stars of NASCAR battle it out to win one of the most iconic races in all of motorsports. I, Bert Kreischer, will be there in person, living it up this Memorial Day weekend at the greatest Frick sport on the planet. Come hang with me. If you want to party and watch some insane racing, grab your tickets@nascar.com tickets if you can't make it, grab a beer and your friends. Find yourself a seat on the couch and gear up for some of the best racing in the world at Charlotte Motor Speedway. Tune into the Coca Cola 600 this Sunday at 6pm Eastern on Prime. Again, 6pm on Prime. This podcast is brought to you by BetterHelp. Mental health awareness is still growing, but there's still progress to be made. 26% of Americans who participated in a recent survey said they have avoided seeking mental health support due to a fear of judgment. Ooh, I remember that. I remember that LA is a little more progressive when it comes to mental health, but I definitely remember the first time that I said I wanted to see a therapist and I looked at the people at the bar with me and they were like, what? Oh. When people hesitate to get help, it just doesn't affect them. It impacts families, workplaces and the entire community. This is this mental health awareness month. Let's encourage everyone to take care of their well being and break the stigma. The world is better when people are healthy and happy. And I want to point out those people that were at that table that day. I'm in a much better place than they are. That's all I'll say. Emotionally, physically, everything. Everything. I'm happily married, I have two great kids, I got a great podcast, great business partners, great friends, great tour, great everything. Everything works for me. And I think honestly, it has to do with getting therapy. BetterHelp has over 10 years of experience matching people with their right therapists from their diverse network of more than 30,000 licensed therapists with a wide range of specialties. BetterHelp is fully online, many making therapy affordable and convenient, serving over 5 million people worldwide. You can easily switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. We're all better with help. Visit betterhelp.com bears get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H E L p.com bears it was, it was so beautifully shot. I mean, this is, this is a testament to whoever your DP or director or whatever it was.
- [13:59]
Tom Segura
Oh my God.
- [14:00]
Bert Kreischer
Just the dick sketch. When you go to the lady in the basement.
- [14:04]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
- [14:04]
Bert Kreischer
It was racked so beautifully.
- [14:06]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
- [14:06]
Bert Kreischer
That I went. If you hadn't had what you had in that thing over Your shoulder, like, take away the sketch. It was gorgeous.
- [14:15]
Tom Segura
Good. No, he. That's Nico. Nicholas Wiesnet, the. The DP of all of them, man. Because I told him, I was like, you know, the main. One of the main things, I was like, I don't like watching comedy that is shot like, hey, this is a comedy. So it's super bright and flat and, you know, I mean, like the way we kind of. You see sitcoms. I was like, I don't want to look like that, man. I want it to look cinematic. And like, we had so many conversations about it and I thought he killed it. Like, everything looked really. Had its own different stories, had a whole different look, but it always looked beautiful.
- [14:48]
Bert Kreischer
God, man. So what, like, what was Christina's favorite sketch?
- [14:55]
Tom Segura
I don't know. She was. I showed. She hadn't seen them all, and I was. We were watching some last night. She asked me to show her some more. I don't know which one is her favorite, actually. I really don't know. But she. She was like, she's like over the moon about it. She loves it. You know, she was laughing.
- [15:11]
Bert Kreischer
I mean, it was, you know, it's so good. It's so, like, you know, it's so funny. You get. You do stuff on Netflix and you put it up and, you know, with our specials, I think we. We can stand behind them because it's the thing we do.
- [15:23]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
- [15:23]
Bert Kreischer
You know, but with scripted stuff, sometimes you go, well, it's not my strong suit.
- [15:28]
Tom Segura
Right?
- [15:29]
Bert Kreischer
Even like the Cabin, like, I go, I go, yeah, that's what I do. It's. It's just a. Basically, it's a long form podcast.
- [15:34]
Tom Segura
Right.
- [15:35]
Bert Kreischer
And. And I love the Cabin. I think it's so great. But like, scripted is like, well, this isn't my thing, dude, you really hit it out of the park. It's like, I was so, so impressed. And so. And my favorite thing is, like, when people love it, I go, I know, right? And then when people don't get it, I like that even more.
- [15:55]
Tom Segura
Yeah, yeah.
- [15:56]
Bert Kreischer
I go, yeah, I know. You need to watch it one more time.
- [15:58]
Tom Segura
I'm super grateful for the. Honestly, for the experience and like, getting to do it because I was telling. I was with Joe and I was like, I go, you know, this is actually my real dream. He was like, what do you mean? And I go, well, I moved to L. A. I didn't move to L. A. To do standup. It wasn't even on my radar. I had zero. It was just. It wasn't even a Thought. And I go. Even though, like I have a standup career that I'm super happy about and grateful for, I go, you still. That thing in your mind never leaves that. You go. It was my dream to like make things like this, you know, so to get to execute it felt like it was a dream. It'd be like if somebody was like, if you could jump into a 22 year old version of yourself and play baseball, like, you know, you'd be like, yeah, like. So that's what I wanted to do.
- [16:49]
Bert Kreischer
Right.
- [16:49]
Tom Segura
What I wanted to do when I moved to LA was make comedy movies. Like, you know, I mean, like, so this was like. It felt like they were like, here you go. Go ahead and do the thing you wanted to do.
- [17:00]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. That's so fucking. That's so crazy because, you know, you know, one of the things that you're good at that I am really not good at is you love getting lost in a character.
- [17:11]
Tom Segura
That was fun. Yeah, that was really fun.
- [17:13]
Bert Kreischer
I mean, I mean, what did your kids think of it?
- [17:15]
Tom Segura
Oh, they love it. They were talking about it in school.
- [17:20]
Bert Kreischer
That first sketch sets it off so proper. Like so good. Oh, thank you. Such a good. It's such. Did you guys play around with the order of them? Other than so much so other than the transitions, which I love that you did like the cliffhangers. I think that's safe to say.
- [17:34]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
- [17:35]
Bert Kreischer
Is that you'll end one sketch and be like, huh? And then you'll start another sketch and be like, oh, yes.
- [17:40]
Tom Segura
Yeah, yeah. Now we played with that a lot and then even we. When we thought we had our order, we were still debating and we ended up switching some things around. But almost from the beginning we thought that that Assassin one was the way to start the show.
- [17:52]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, it's so good. Yeah, it's so good because it escalates so quickly.
- [17:57]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
- [17:58]
Bert Kreischer
And really gets you to where the. The show will be.
- [18:01]
Tom Segura
Yeah, exactly.
- [18:02]
Bert Kreischer
It's a great introduction. It's a great foot forward.
- [18:05]
Tom Segura
Thanks, man.
- [18:06]
Bert Kreischer
Did you go in knowing you wanted Sickler and Kevin Christie and Johnny Pemberton and Bobby and. Or did you. They audition?
- [18:15]
Tom Segura
It was. Casting was crazy. One of the things was like, we're in Austin because we always talk about if we were in la, it would be like so easy to call so many people you knew, you know, so that was a big thing. And we did cast a lot of Austin people that were super talented. People also came from Houston and Dallas and we had people fly in from New York and Arizona. But when it came to those. It was so the sickler thing, we were just like, hey, you know, who do you want standing next to you while you're naked? Because at first they were like, should we just cast, like, a local guy?
- [18:57]
Bert Kreischer
And I was like, I like that it was sickler.
- [18:59]
Tom Segura
I was like, it'll be fun to be sickler. Kevin did me a. Just a super solid because it was like. It was a small part, and he's like a. He's a. An accomplished actor who's been in, like, a bunch of real things. Bobby, I thought, was so perfect to play the part of, like, he's. He plays so the victim so well. Like, you know, when he's being kind of, like, bullied in a way, his natural way of playing that, I think is so funny. Like, him in that role is so funny.
- [19:31]
Bert Kreischer
He's great.
- [19:32]
Tom Segura
I wasn't supposed to be in that one. My role in that one with Bobby, that was supposed to be momoa. And so our whole thing was, if you can't get someone who's, like, genuinely a sex symbol, let's get somebody who's, like, kind of like, why the do you find this person sexy?
- [19:54]
Bert Kreischer
Wow. Wait, so what. What happened? Momoa backed out.
- [19:57]
Tom Segura
Yeah. So we changed all. Our whole. Entire production, moved everything all to accommodate, like, his schedule because he was like, I'll do it. We were all, like, out of our minds, just so happy about it. And then, like, two weeks before, he FaceTimed me from a bathtub. He was like, hey, what's up? I'm like, are you taking a bath? He's like, yeah. Hey, I can't make it, man. And I was like.
- [20:22]
Bert Kreischer
I was like.
- [20:22]
Tom Segura
He was like, in New Zealand, they were shooting more pickups from his movie or something. So I was like, all right. So then we were like, we. We didn't want to get somebody where you go like, yeah, that guy's sexy, too, because, like, he stands out.
- [20:35]
Bert Kreischer
Did you reach out to Brad Pitt?
- [20:36]
Tom Segura
We did reach out to the. He was shooting a movie in, I don't know, L.A. or something, so. But then we were like, once we get those guys off the table, it felt like it was funnier to make it, like, the anti sex symbol.
- [20:50]
Bert Kreischer
I thought it was even, by the way. I mean, I'm sure momoa would have been great. It would have been hilarious to watch him walk in. Yeah, I bet he would have killed it, but I thought it was funnier that it was the guy that makes subs.
- [21:00]
Tom Segura
Yeah. Then we just tried to make him, like, kind of a dirtbag you know? Yeah, yeah. So that. That was that. And we got surprised, like Shay saying, Shea Wiggum saying yes to the badass. And then Dan Stevens, who plays the. The guy that runs the old folks home, you know that. With the. The old lady. The guy who's like these people.
- [21:21]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. Wait, who's the one? Better yet, who's the one who plays the gym owner? The same guy. That's him.
- [21:27]
Tom Segura
That's. He's the good.
- [21:28]
Bert Kreischer
He's from fucking like. Like Downton Abbey, right?
- [21:30]
Tom Segura
Yes. Yes.
- [21:31]
Bert Kreischer
Holy shit. You know who Leanne kept saying that was. That's not. We're watching it. She goes, they got carry use again. I go, carrie Hughes, the guy from Princess Bride. And she goes, that's Carrie Hughes. And I went, no. And he had makeup on. So I'm going like this. You know how you look at like a. Like a. People go, hey, what do you see first in this picture? An elephant or. Or. Or a sword? And I was like. I kept looking at his face, trying to see it, and I was like, that's not him. And then all of a sudden I went, that is the guy from Downton Abbey.
- [22:00]
Tom Segura
Yeah, it's him.
- [22:00]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
- [22:01]
Tom Segura
He's so handsome.
- [22:02]
Bert Kreischer
He's gorgeous.
- [22:04]
Tom Segura
I could see how she could confuse them, but they're also about 30 years apart.
- [22:07]
Bert Kreischer
A lot. Well, you know, it's crazy.
- [22:09]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
- [22:10]
Bert Kreischer
We were doing something and we got reached. This kind of sound weird, but like, someone said we were making something and someone said, kerry uses available.
- [22:20]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
- [22:21]
Bert Kreischer
And I went, what? And they're like, yeah, he's really cool. He's funny. He's like. He's like really dialed in, I guess. He Like a regular guy. And I was like, wait. I go, we. I think he's wrong for it, but I cast him just to meet him.
- [22:34]
Tom Segura
Yeah. Cast. Give him the job. Hey, I just wanted to meet you.
- [22:37]
Bert Kreischer
I just want to meet him. He's awesome. Dude.
- [22:42]
Tom Segura
He is amazing, actually. Yeah, he's a really great actor.
- [22:45]
Bert Kreischer
I gotta say this. Okay. And I'm just curious.
- [22:50]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
- [22:50]
Bert Kreischer
Was there ever a conversation about. We should put Bert in one? Yeah. Yeah.
- [23:17]
Tom Segura
We all saw your promos.
- [23:21]
Bert Kreischer
You know what's so funny is I posted that promo yesterday.
- [23:27]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
- [23:28]
Bert Kreischer
And I actually. I had a dream. I had a dream.
- [23:32]
Tom Segura
It's so funny.
- [23:33]
Bert Kreischer
I had a dream that I walked off the set of my own show and went over to your show and said, hey, can I. I just walked off the set of my show. Can I work on your show? I don't have a show anymore. And you were like, of course I got you. And then you're like, you're gonna be like, you can get us coffee and stuff. And I was like, tom, I had a dream about this, right? And I woke up and I thought. And I thought, wait, he put everyone in that and I wasn't in it. And I was like, oh, I should do a promo. I'll do a promo to promote the show saying that I wasn't in it.
- [24:00]
Tom Segura
That was very funny.
- [24:01]
Bert Kreischer
But what's so funny is I was like, as soon as I did it, I was like, well, I haven't put Tom in anything. And then randomly we did the promo and at the very end, I go, wait, he was in the cabin.
- [24:11]
Tom Segura
That's right.
- [24:11]
Bert Kreischer
And so I said, oh, okay, I put him in the cabin. But what's so funny is even like, people you know are like, our friends, like, Mr. Clavicle, he's a great guy. I love Mr. Clavicle. Yeah, but Mr. Clavicle wrote I like in one of the comments. I didn't see Bert. I didn't see Tom in the machine.
- [24:29]
Tom Segura
There you go.
- [24:30]
Bert Kreischer
I was like, guys, I'm joking. Like, I think sometimes my personality gets lost and like, people think I'm 100% serious all the time or I'm a. I don't, I don't know what it is. But I was like, I'm joking, obviously, but I'm also not joking at all. I'm joking 100%. Yeah, but 0% at the same time.
- [24:51]
Tom Segura
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Bert Kreischer
Okay.
- [26:43]
Tom Segura
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- [27:25]
Bert Kreischer
Oh my God. Do you know for the record, Mr. Clavicle, we had written a scene in the machine for all my friends to be in. Like a cameo scene for all my friends to be in. But we were shooting in Serbia and there was five days where you had to be five days, you had to be quarantined. And it was just so not feasible to bring people over and have them wait for five days and then fly home. And so it was like. It was.
- [27:53]
Tom Segura
But I turned down a. A movie that shot in Oklahoma City back then where like, they just, they gave me an offer to play the part. And, and it was like, here's, here's, here's the days you need to be here. And I was like, I can do that. It was like, let's say 12 days, right, of shooting this movie. And they're like, cool, we need you two weeks before then. And then a week after. And I was still like, okay, maybe. And then as we got closer, they're like, you actually need to stay multiple weeks after also. So the 12 day shoot was. They wanted me there for like six weeks. And I was like, I can't do that, dude. That's insane. It's crazy because of like how they were quarantining back then.
- [28:35]
Bert Kreischer
It's so crazy to think that quarantines actually happened that in. Yeah. That you could say, you can't go outside.
- [28:43]
Tom Segura
Yeah. And also, like, we just need you here. You got to just stay here for a couple weeks. I was like, I can't do that, dude.
- [28:49]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
- [28:50]
Tom Segura
We did talk about.
- [28:51]
Bert Kreischer
So just so we're clear, I did want Tom to be in the machine. It couldn't have happened. And I did put Tom. You were the very first person I called for the cabin.
- [28:59]
Tom Segura
Yes. No, the. For this show, it was. Casting was like a very scrambled thing where you're always like, who fits into this part? What's the. What's the way that they would. You know, who can do it at what time? And it was always like, what would be a good fit? People's schedule. Looking back, I don't know if you. What was the one. I think we were. Because I wanted to actually play you in one, and we were kicking around that idea. Yeah. So it just. It just didn't. It's just one of those things where it wasn't, like, never thought about or discussed. It just didn't pan out. But, you know, hopefully we can do another one.
- [29:41]
Bert Kreischer
Hopefully there's season two.
- [29:43]
Tom Segura
Yeah. What would you like to play?
- [29:45]
Bert Kreischer
Just a guy that sucks a dick or gets fucked in the ass or shits himself or eats a guy with shit on his ass. Whatever you're. Whatever you like. Whatever you're into, you know?
- [29:52]
Tom Segura
Yeah. Do you want to do, like, an orgy scene or something?
- [29:55]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, I was just. I'll tell you what. I can. I. I literally was like, I would be so difficult because I'm not cool with all the shit you're cool with. Like, I can't. Like, I couldn't have shit on my legs for an extended period of time. Oh, my God. Like, I. I couldn't. I. I couldn't put the veneers in that you did.
- [30:15]
Tom Segura
Those were horrible.
- [30:15]
Bert Kreischer
Twice. Twice. You did it for the thing on the back and the other guy. Like, I can't. I can't. Like, I'm not. I'm not an actor. Like, you're an actor. I mean, I have to say this, and I hope you know, I mean, I don't think this is a surprise to anyone. You're a really good actor. You're really fucking good. Like, you're good at getting into a character and being a different person, and you're also good at being Tom and. And being subtle and quiet, and, like, your choices are fucking amazing. I am not that good. I can play Bert, and that's it. And I Can't have shit touch me. I need to wear my clothes.
- [30:51]
Tom Segura
You do. You do you really well, though. I do you really well. Yeah.
- [30:56]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
- [30:57]
Tom Segura
Well, thanks. I appreciate that. It was. I think playing the characters is, like, the most fun.
- [31:02]
Bert Kreischer
I. I couldn't. Like, it's crazy to see you with hair.
- [31:05]
Tom Segura
That also freaked me out. And also, I think I told you and I wasn't joking that day when I was playing the Italian guy and I was a walking around, and everybody was like, wow, you look great. And I would look in the mirror, and I was like, maybe I do want hair transplants.
- [31:22]
Bert Kreischer
Oh.
- [31:22]
Tom Segura
That was the only day that I.
- [31:23]
Bert Kreischer
Thought that I was like, leanne kept saying, he is so attractive. He's an attractive guy with shaved beard. Bert. He's attractive with hair. He's attractive. And then he goes back to Tom, and he looks like Kevin James. Pull up. Kevin James got a new special called Irregardless. Pull up Irregardless if you can, and tell me this doesn't look like a Tom Segura special. Kevin James.
- [31:49]
Tom Segura
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- [31:52]
Bert Kreischer
You and Kevin James should do a twins movie.
- [31:55]
Tom Segura
He's got to be dyeing that beard, right? Yeah, that's pretty dark.
- [32:00]
Bert Kreischer
Dyeing their beard. Except for you. Yeah.
- [32:02]
Tom Segura
My friend Steve that came to the 5K.
- [32:06]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
- [32:06]
Tom Segura
We're the same age, and his beard is totally dark. And I was like, you're using a hair, a dye, right? He's like, no, it just grows like this. That's really crazy. Yeah, it was so dark.
- [32:16]
Bert Kreischer
Wait, have we Talked about the 5K at all? Yeah, we did a podcast on the 5K.
- [32:20]
Tom Segura
I don't remember.
- [32:22]
Bert Kreischer
We did a podcast at the 5K.
- [32:23]
Tom Segura
I've been eating edibles every night now.
- [32:25]
Bert Kreischer
I've been smoking weed every night. I'm not sober sober. Like, I don't think I ever have an attraction to being sober, but, like, not drinking has felt fucking really good these last eight days.
- [32:36]
Tom Segura
Eight days. You're almost time to get a coin.
- [32:39]
Bert Kreischer
It's a. It ends in about four hours.
- [32:42]
Tom Segura
Oh, it's over four hours. Okay.
- [32:44]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
- [32:44]
Tom Segura
All right.
- [32:45]
Bert Kreischer
It ends in four hours. I'm having a. I'm having a bottle of. I'm having a glass of our vodka. Getting on a plane, Thomas. Just flying, man. It's flying.
- [32:55]
Tom Segura
Yeah, I know. We fly differently. We talked about that. I just. I'm like, yeah, I don't care, dude. Do a barrel roll. I don't give a. And then, yeah, turbulence makes me laugh. Everyone's, like, panicking on my flight, and I'm like, it's fine. You can hear it, like the engine separating from the wing.
- [33:16]
Bert Kreischer
I. I feel so good. I feel so good right now that I go, don't drink. Don't drink. Let's see how long I cannot drink on the flight. And that way I'll minimize my drinking. But then we're going to Chicago. For a bottle takeover or for a bar takeover?
- [33:30]
Tom Segura
Both. We have a bottle signing and a bar takeover.
- [33:32]
Bert Kreischer
We have a bottle signing and a bar takeover. I'm going to drink in Chicago. I'm going to. I want, I want. By the way, I'm also eating clean. I'm eating good.
- [33:39]
Tom Segura
Like, yeah, where is that, by the way? So we can say it.
- [33:42]
Bert Kreischer
And then I think I'm going to the Post Malone Jelly Roll concert.
- [33:45]
Tom Segura
Okay, hold on. It's the Old Crow Smokehouse. It's. It's the 21st. Scroll up a little bit. Yeah, the May 21st, 8pm That's 3506 North Clark street in Chicago. It is a free and open to the public event 21 and over. Of course, that is going to be a lot of fun. We've done a bunch of bar takeovers all over the country. And so you guys should come out. If you're in Chicago, we will be there from 8pm and if I know Bert, we'll be there till way after.
- [34:15]
Bert Kreischer
8Pm if you're a college kid and you don't have any money to drink, come out. We'll pour you free drinks.
- [34:20]
Tom Segura
There you go. There you go.
- [34:21]
Bert Kreischer
I mean, that's the thing. College kids show up. If you're. If you're broke, college kid, and you're in Chicago, show up. We'll get you drunk.
- [34:28]
Tom Segura
There's the offer.
- [34:30]
Bert Kreischer
And then I'm going to post Blown and Jelly Roll that next night.
- [34:33]
Tom Segura
The next night. Oh, that's cool.
- [34:34]
Bert Kreischer
At Wrigley Field by myself.
- [34:35]
Tom Segura
That's going to be by myself.
- [34:37]
Bert Kreischer
I'm going to concert by myself.
- [34:38]
Tom Segura
That's okay. You'll have fun.
- [34:41]
Bert Kreischer
I. I don't know. I'm gonna, you know, my only problem is I don't want to, like, I don't want to bother Jelly Roll's band and Jelly Roll. Like, I don't want to be like, like, like. Because I, you know, I'm not gonna fucking just go sit in the stands. I'm gonna want to go backstage and hang out with them. And then I just feel like. I just feel like I don't want to bother people.
- [34:58]
Tom Segura
Well, you, I mean, you're friends. You Guys can. You'll be fine.
- [35:02]
Bert Kreischer
I know. Go.
- [35:03]
Tom Segura
Ha.
- [35:06]
Bert Kreischer
And then we're going to the Coca Cola 600 for Labor Day weekend. We're doing Something's Burning at. In. In Charlotte, North Carolina, on the infield. During the fucking Coca Cola 600. During it. During the Coca Cola 600. I'm making. Check this out. They said. So this is the deal. NASCAR's like, yo, can you do a pop up at. At NASCAR at an event? They gave me, like five races. One of them being the fucking. The one we went to, the Daytona 500. It didn't work in my schedule anyway. I pick based on food. I pick Charlotte, North Carolina. We're making biscuit briskets, brisket biscuits, biscuit brisket, pimento cheese sauce, and we're making little sliders. And we're just handing them out to everyone. We're gonna make a thousand of them.
- [35:59]
Tom Segura
A thousand?
- [35:59]
Bert Kreischer
A thousand of them. A thousand of them.
- [36:01]
Tom Segura
Are you gonna have some help?
- [36:02]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. Dave Williamson's coming with me and the guys. Jody over at Rec Tech is coming down. He's gonna bring a grill. We've got a. We've got a party bus coming to hang out. We got tents. I'm so excited for this. I'm like. And by the way, since I've had. What's his name? Kurt. Kurt Bush on, I've been watching NASCAR non stop, dude. NASCAR and wrestling. I'm like. All of a sudden, I go to one wrestling event and I'm watching wrestling non stop. I watched Monday Night Raw the other night Live.
- [36:31]
Tom Segura
Yeah, Yeah. I mean, those are exciting events, dude. I mean, NASCAR for me, when we went to the Daytona 500, I was like, holy. I'd never experienced anything like it. It really was so cool.
- [36:43]
Bert Kreischer
Why is it that. Why is it. Sorry to interrupt. Why is it that NASCAR has rednecks and F1 has princes?
- [36:51]
Tom Segura
I mean, I don't know, dude. Like, F1 definitely erupted and had been a huge European thing. That's like a European sport, basically, that has gone global. And so it's always been the creme de la creme. Like that kind of society loves it. But also, I would say in Europe, you do have princes and Dukes at F1, but the working class man also loves F1 there. You know, it kind of transcends all social classes, even though people associate it as, like, an elite kind of, you know, fan base. And I don't know, NASCAR's all. NASCAR started with, like. Like in the south, in the Southeast, you know, it was like country, those guys. That was the Origins of it. So it's always been like this thing that it did kind of become like this redneck is what you associate with it. But then you get around them and you realize that these, you know, the fucking brains behind it, they're brilliant. Like, the people who are analyzing the data and the engineers associated with it. I mean, it's very, very highly technical and. And super sophisticated. But people will casually kind of dismiss it as just being like a bunch of rednecks driving in a circle, you know?
- [38:08]
Bert Kreischer
But why is it. Why is American car culture.
- [38:11]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
- [38:12]
Bert Kreischer
Is like. And I mean, this. I'm. I'm just saying, like, for broad strokes purposes, American car culture is kind of like, you know, like, grease heads. Grease monkey. And like. And like, grease heads and, like, kind of low brow and like. And then. And then European car culture is like Ferrari, Porsche, Mercedes. Like, it's. It's like a. There's like a. There's like a shine to European car culture.
- [38:37]
Tom Segura
Yeah, you're right. You're totally right. I don't. I mean, you know, with. Part of it, I think, is that in the F1 world, the teams that have, like, the most kind of weight to them, that are traditionally dominant in that sport, they're all European, like, Lux brands, right? It is Mercedes and Ferrari and McLaren, those are, like, those are household names, but they're also, like, super elite brands. So I think some of that is just the fan base that comes with that. You know what I mean? Like, here it's Chevy and Ford. That's a different. It's a different thing.
- [39:16]
Bert Kreischer
Do you know what I. Do you know what I got into watching? You got me into Drive to Survive.
- [39:24]
Tom Segura
Oh, yeah.
- [39:25]
Bert Kreischer
So good. And then Netflix suggested polo. I think it's just called Polo. Right? So I watched that.
- [39:33]
Tom Segura
They have everything now. Wide receivers, quarterbacks. They have the tennis one, the golf one.
- [39:41]
Bert Kreischer
They just did Liver King Untold. And by the way, he put me in it. That's a friend now. But. But you know what? You know what then? So, like, I get high. I watch Bad Thoughts. Last night, Leanne goes to bed. It's like, midnight, and I'm pretty high. I got these great Pax vape pens that are, like, perfect. And because. I guess because I watched, because you got me on Drive to Survive, and then that got me into polo. Yeah, last night it autoplayed, like, it just immediately goes into Meghan Markle's show.
- [40:14]
Tom Segura
Oh, my God.
- [40:16]
Bert Kreischer
Dude, was that.
- [40:18]
Tom Segura
It's like the thing that got roasted the hardest.
- [40:21]
Bert Kreischer
I can't believe. I can't believe people. It's. I don't want to talk negative about her, you know, because I don't like talking negative about people. It is fucking fascinating. It is like if you're. It's almost like if you go watch Jeffrey Dahmer put a body into a fucking canister. Like, I watched her make tea last night, and it's like halfway through Tom, I realized I was whispering. Like, she whispers through it, and it's like. But like, she says wild, crazy things. It's almost like she was never American. It's almost like she was never like, a regular. She was always a princess. Like, she's like the first people that. She's like, my friend Delfina is coming over. Her husband Nacho is good friends with Harry. We go out and hike and it's. And then. So I Google Nacho, right? Nacho is the most beautiful man in the world. He is one of the richest men in the world. He runs the number one polo. Him and Harry play polo together. And I'm just like, what world? And then this fucking Delfina shows up. She's gorgeous. She has the most beautiful accent. And guess what? Meghan Markle speaks Spanish. Meghan Markle speaks Argentinian Spanish.
- [41:40]
Tom Segura
Really?
- [41:40]
Bert Kreischer
And I'm like, who the fuck is Megan Marle?
- [41:43]
Tom Segura
Well, those Argentines.
- [41:44]
Bert Kreischer
Look at this uncircumcised cock. He is gorgeous. And he rides horses at full sprint, and he plays polo, and he's rich, and his wife's taller than him. Dude, this guy Nacho, I got onto a deep dive of him, and then that's just their first friend. Then they go to the. I've watched fucking four episodes of this goddamn show.
- [42:02]
Tom Segura
Tom, is. He's. Is he Argentine? Because they love polo.
- [42:06]
Bert Kreischer
They always. Argentinian. Yeah, they're fucking. He loves polo. He's got the. It's called black. He. He's sponsored by polo. By Polo. The brand Polo. Like, he's. He's the fucking guy. Dude. How did we not become that kind of white? Where we played polo and we fucked photographers and they knew how to make focaccia and they fucking made tea. She. I mean, Tom, she made biscuits for their fucking dog. She made biscuits for their. For their dog.
- [42:36]
Tom Segura
Are you going to make me watch this show?
- [42:38]
Bert Kreischer
Megan? I'm telling you, I can't. You know, look, all I could hear is Tim Dillon in my head going this, like. And. And. Which makes it so much more enjoyable, of course. I got to be honest with you. It is. It's so weird. It's Such an interesting insight into someone's life.
- [42:59]
Tom Segura
Yeah, yeah. Oh, they got renewed. Everybody was like, slam. But of course it's probably got crazy views.
- [43:05]
Bert Kreischer
It got crazy views.
- [43:07]
Tom Segura
Cuz weren't the reviews for this just like insane like that? People were like, this is unwatchable.
- [43:11]
Bert Kreischer
Can't tell if she's lying or not. That's the. I kept trying to find out. Like, you could tell if she's lying. Like, right. She makes these ice cubes with, with flowers inside them. She goes, I like, dude, she made a mimosa that I swear to God I will make. She freezes orange juice into cubes that look like flowers and then puts them in the drink, puts them in the freezer. And then when her friends come over, she pulls it out and pours champagne on top of them. Let me tell you something. Meghan Markle could get in my pants tomorrow. This fucking chick, she is telling. She made tea for her friend. She made teabags for her friend to take home so that she could make tea later. And then Meghan Markle's like, I've been making tea my whole life and I can't tell if she's lying or not.
- [43:51]
Tom Segura
Oh, right.
- [43:52]
Bert Kreischer
Where's the black part of Meghan Markle? Like, isn't she black?
- [43:56]
Tom Segura
Half.
- [43:57]
Bert Kreischer
I don't know black people to make biscuits for their dog. That's. I'm just saying that, like it's not been a thing in black culture. Like we make biscuits for our dog or we leave tea bags for our friends or. I mean, she made biscuits for her dog. Tom. Listen to what she did. Her friend's coming over, they both have dogs. She makes biscuits for her friend's dog, gives it to one of her dogs and her dog fucking loves it. Then she puts them in a jar, a Mason jar. She has labels, pre written biscuits for your. Your with the dog's name. Her, her handwriting is perfect. She puts the top on, then puts a bow around it. Tom, this is what she does. This is crazy. She takes the bow, she takes the ribbon, folds it, cuts it at an angle and Tom, it then looks like this. It looks like a whale tail. I'm like, Jesus Christ. Now listen, I can't imagine they're in pre production talking about, this is how you cut a ribbon. I think this, I think this chick might be the real deal.
- [44:48]
Tom Segura
You think she lives like this? Regardless of a camera's there, I swear.
- [44:52]
Bert Kreischer
Dude, I'll watch it again on the plane tonight. I'll tell you what, the only thing, she can't dance that's very disappointing. Well, it makes me think, like, okay, if you're black and you can't dance, maybe you spend your time cutting ribbons.
- [45:12]
Tom Segura
That's.
- [45:13]
Bert Kreischer
I gotta be honest with you, man. I got. I'm fucking. And I know, I know this is an unpopular opinion. And listen, by the way, I was wrong about Ryan Holiday. Stoicism's pretty badass. Okay, yeah. I'm just saying it. I look, I say. I say unpopular opinions. I think we're gonna have a huge turnaround in this Meghan Markle bitch.
- [45:31]
Tom Segura
Really?
- [45:32]
Bert Kreischer
I think she's gonna be our next Martha Stewart. I think she's the real deal. I think. Look, let's. For just argument's sake, Tom, okay? For argument's sake. Okay? Argument's sake. Say she is the real deal. Say she does like, make dog biscuits and make her own tea. She leaves it outside, she steeps it all day. And then Harry meets her, right? Harry's a guy that's had servants his whole life. And then he runs into a chick who, by the way, probably fucks like a banshee. Probably put it down. Harry's only fucked the Duchesses of Wales, right? All these, like those white broads, pasty white broads that are. He's basically fucking Downton Abbey his whole life, right?
- [46:08]
Tom Segura
Yeah, yeah.
- [46:08]
Bert Kreischer
Meets a American half black chick, right?
- [46:12]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
- [46:12]
Bert Kreischer
Who can twerk a little bit. Fucking rails him. Then casually. Casually makes him a mimosa. They go into their. His parents house and she says casually, let's just. Argument sake, Tom. Argument's sake.
- [46:24]
Tom Segura
Argument's sake.
- [46:25]
Bert Kreischer
She goes, hey, man, this is a little fucked up. It's crazy, man. No one's making eye contact, like, what the fuck? And he said, well, I'm the prince.
- [46:34]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
- [46:34]
Bert Kreischer
She goes, yeah, this is kind of crazy. And then they start showing him, like, they go into his bedroom and he's like, this is the jaw of an Aborigine. And she's like, you have an aboriginal jaw. He's like, yes. Doesn't everyone have Aboriginal jaws? She's like, how'd you get that? And he goes, my grandfather killed them. He killed them when they decided they didn't want. He'd go there and if he got them pregnant and they'd kill them and then take their jaws and give them to us as presents and children for Christmas.
- [46:57]
Tom Segura
Yeah, that's a great present.
- [46:59]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. But then Meghan Markle just casually goes, yo, man, this is a little fucked up. And by the way, everyone's like, how dark will the baby be?
- [47:07]
Tom Segura
Yeah, yeah.
- [47:09]
Bert Kreischer
All Black.
- [47:10]
Tom Segura
Will it be blacker than you?
- [47:14]
Bert Kreischer
Someone actually said, are we looking at a Patrick Ewing or more of a Steph Curry?
- [47:23]
Tom Segura
We certainly don't want him any darker. Have to keep him out of the sun before he turns as dark as night.
- [47:35]
Bert Kreischer
Your darkness is acceptable.
- [47:39]
Tom Segura
You look like you've been on holiday, but you're not like, one of those island blacks.
- [47:45]
Bert Kreischer
You look like if a mo went to a beef. What does. She casually says that, right? She casually is like, it's a little racist because she's American, right? Yeah, she's American. And then the whole world turns on her because. Because Harry can't get his brother to fucking be on his side. What if. Like, just. What if she's not the bad person in this?
- [48:07]
Tom Segura
Yeah, maybe. I don't know, man.
- [48:09]
Bert Kreischer
Since when have the Royals been the fucking on the good team?
- [48:13]
Tom Segura
I know. And the rumor is that William, you know, William's gonna be king soon. Is that he had planned on removing their titles completely because he so resents her for. And him for leaving.
- [48:28]
Bert Kreischer
You know, I'll tell you right now, the only thing I get in all this is William.
- [48:35]
Tom Segura
You get.
- [48:35]
Bert Kreischer
That's the only person I get is, like, him going like, bro, we're brothers. Rose before hoes. What the fuck are you doing? Yeah, you know how we roll. Yeah, our family's racist. Yes. We have aboriginal jaws. Yes, we fucking. This is who we are, though, bro. What are you bitches? What are you fucking doing, man? Let's go on holiday. We'll put on Nazi outfits like we used to when we were children. Just like Papa.
- [48:59]
Tom Segura
Have a laugh.
- [49:00]
Bert Kreischer
Have a laugh. A big goof. We killed the Jews. Jesus Christ. You can watch Bostool also.
- [49:09]
Tom Segura
Well, yeah, they're kind of, man. The. They're not welcome back there. At least that's the. The rumor.
- [49:16]
Bert Kreischer
I don't think you get it. You get an invite. Okay? Casual.
- [49:20]
Tom Segura
Casual invite.
- [49:21]
Bert Kreischer
Casual invite. Andrew texts you and he's like, yo, I got. I got a weird invite. Prince William asks, or, Prince Harry asked for your number. Can I give it to him? What do you say?
- [49:32]
Tom Segura
Sure.
- [49:33]
Bert Kreischer
Okay, great. You get a text from Prince Harry. Hey, man, big fan. Megan and I watched your show. Bad thoughts. We have such the same sense of humor, me and you. And then he. And then he writes, meghan didn't love it, but who cares, right? And then he goes, I'd love to have you guys out to the house. You and Christina bring the boys. We have an extra house on the property out in Santa Barbara. Do you take the invite?
- [50:00]
Tom Segura
Well, I would say, yeah, totally. Just so you know, I think my wife has said some not so cool things about yours. Is that okay?
- [50:08]
Bert Kreischer
She has. What is she. That she doesn't like her?
- [50:11]
Tom Segura
I don't know, man. She put out. I think she had some commentary on a video, like, you know, making fun of something about her. And. And it was in the. It was in, like, the British tabloids and everything, too. Yeah.
- [50:22]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, for real?
- [50:23]
Tom Segura
So they might know Christina's name. Yeah, yeah. But I'd be like, yeah, sure, we'll be there. I'll see. I mean, I would go. Wouldn't you go? You'd go in a heartbeat.
- [50:35]
Bert Kreischer
Yes. Sunscreen for him and be like, buddy, we're gonna be doing it.
- [50:38]
Tom Segura
Yeah, we're gonna.
- [50:39]
Bert Kreischer
Megan, did you make those little mimosas? What's crazy to me is that, like, as podcasters, we take swings at people. Like Megan Markle, right?
- [50:51]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
- [50:52]
Bert Kreischer
It's free. Free game. And she's got a. She's like a regular person. She is a princess or whatever, but, like, she a regular person. And then people take swings at us, and then we get upset, and we. But we do. We would do it to them. So I try not to talk bad about people because I have done it in the past, and then when it happens to me, and, like, it's like a friend or someone you like, someone you casually know, you're like, oh, man. What the. And they're like, I'm sorry, man. I was just looking for content.
- [51:17]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
- [51:24]
Bert Kreischer
Do you pay your own bills?
- [51:25]
Tom Segura
There's a portal that I sign into and approve of certain bills that go out.
- [51:32]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, Leanne. Leanne does that for us.
- [51:34]
Tom Segura
Yeah, I figured.
- [51:36]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. I've never paid a bill in my life. I. I also figured that I've never. The last time I paid a bill, you could write checks.
- [51:44]
Tom Segura
Seriously?
- [51:45]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. The last time I paid a bill, you could write checks.
- [51:49]
Tom Segura
So you have no idea, like, how any of it go works for you?
- [51:53]
Bert Kreischer
None.
- [51:54]
Tom Segura
None.
- [51:55]
Bert Kreischer
None. I have. I. You know, I. I look at it this way, I think, because me and you spend money differently, and I've seen you spend money. I actually said to someone recently, I was like. They were like, don't you and Tom, like, have same amount of money? And I was like, not really. He has more money than I do. But, like, I mean, I guess in apples and. Or it's not apples and oranges. It's apples in, like, pears, and they go. And like. Well, it's not like. It's not like I have no money. No Like, I, but, like, I go. They go, but how, like, how can I go? Well, Tom knows how much money I go. Tom's aware of how much money he has coming in and how much money he has going out every month. I have no idea how much money I have coming in, how much money I'm going out. So what I do is I just don't spend because I'm terrified all the time. So I live in a place of fear because I don't want to deal with it. So, like, that's where I am. So I don't spend because I'm terrified that I'm not. I don't have any money coming in that month. And they're like, you do. And I was like, I know, but I think if I was more aware of what was coming in, I might spend more.
- [52:56]
Tom Segura
I got you. Yeah, I understand.
- [52:57]
Bert Kreischer
So a weird way to protect myself. I just keep myself unaware. Like, I was talking, I was getting back on stage after 11 fucking months of doing, of not doing standup. I'm starting to do shows. And I did Oxnard last week. And I have a joke. I, I, I have a joke. I don't know what the joke is really, per se, but in it, it's that Leanne has always bought our cars. Leanne loves cars. She loves cars. Her dad's a mechanic. She's really into cars.
- [53:27]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
- [53:27]
Bert Kreischer
So when we look at cars, like, I run them by Leanne, and then she's like, no or yes. Leanne's always been the final decision on every car. And there was a guy in the audience that couldn't believe it. He was a bullshit.
- [53:42]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
- [53:42]
Bert Kreischer
And he was like, what kind of car do you have? Now I'm being serious. I had, when I had Kurt Busch here, Kurt Busch said, what kind of car do you have? And I said, the white one. And he goes, what is it? I said, it's a Mercedes. He goes, what kind? I said, white. And he went, you really don't know anything about cars. I know that it's like the. I can tell you how much it costs. And I know it's the nice one. It's the big one. Yeah, but I S or C. It's an S or a C. It's not E, but it's the, like, the big one. But I don't know the number. Yeah, Like, I really don't know the number.
- [54:10]
Tom Segura
Yeah, yeah, I've seen it. It's nice. It's really nice.
- [54:12]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, I love that car. I love that car. And it's a great Car. And it's probably the. I have it forever because it's Sedan. It's comfortable.
- [54:19]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
- [54:20]
Bert Kreischer
It's not, like, too ostentatious. It's like. But it's a beautiful car. It's great. Like, I sell real estate in fucking Beverly Hills, but whatever.
- [54:27]
Tom Segura
You look like a Persian guy, but.
- [54:28]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, because it's white, I shouldn't have gotten white. Yeah, white's a Persian. Well, there's one. My next door neighbor's got a white one.
- [54:34]
Tom Segura
Yeah. No.
- [54:35]
Bert Kreischer
Builds houses.
- [54:36]
Tom Segura
Yeah. Yeah, that's. That's very. That's so funny, though, that your lady tells you this is what we're getting.
- [54:42]
Bert Kreischer
I mean, the car she has right now. You've seen her car?
- [54:45]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
- [54:45]
Bert Kreischer
The black one?
- [54:46]
Tom Segura
Yeah. It's rad.
- [54:48]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. She. That. She picked it so it was for her birthday, and she was like, that's what I want. I was like, for real? Can I tell you what I said, Tom? I go black. Are you gonna. Why would you pick the black one? It's gonna be so hot. She was like, the black one's sexy. She goes, it doesn't even color. It's a car. And I was like, yeah, but, like, I color. I care more about the color of my car.
- [55:09]
Tom Segura
But you like white. You had a white.
- [55:11]
Bert Kreischer
I've always had white cars. I've always had white cars.
- [55:14]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
- [55:14]
Bert Kreischer
It's like, I love white cars.
- [55:16]
Tom Segura
Extension of your, like, racial beliefs.
- [55:19]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
- [55:19]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
- [55:20]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, I wasn't listening. God damn it. What did you say? Nothing.
- [55:23]
Tom Segura
Yeah, no, that's what I'm saying. It just fits you perfectly. You had the white truck. What was the truck? You had a Denali.
- [55:31]
Bert Kreischer
A Yukon Denali. That's the last car. That is the very last car I purchased. I've only purchased two cars, and they're my. Probably my two favorite cars I ever owned. Ford was the Expedition.
- [55:44]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
- [55:45]
Bert Kreischer
Ford Expedition and the white Yukon Denali. Man, that white Yukon Denali, that was.
- [55:51]
Tom Segura
The shit I remember.
- [55:53]
Bert Kreischer
You know why I bought it? Because I had captain seats in the back.
- [55:56]
Tom Segura
It was awesome.
- [55:57]
Bert Kreischer
I was the baddest car. Oh, man, I loved that car.
- [56:01]
Tom Segura
Yeah. Did you have it for a long time?
- [56:03]
Bert Kreischer
I leased it. I leased it. I. And by the way, I. I could have. You know, I might be in a parallel universe. If I had never met Leanne, I might be a shrewd businessman.
- [56:13]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
- [56:14]
Bert Kreischer
I think Leanne just took over everything so easily that I was like, great.
- [56:18]
Tom Segura
Yeah, cool.
- [56:19]
Bert Kreischer
I'd rather never open an envelope. I haven't opened mail. I'm gonna be. I'm gonna. I'm gonna bring Leanne in here. I'm gonna. I'm gonna just have Leanne yell it. I'm gonna call her right now.
- [56:30]
Tom Segura
The. Yeah, I think you do it.
- [56:32]
Bert Kreischer
I opened mail. Was you.
- [56:33]
Tom Segura
You do. I think you would be probably the same as Bobby Lee. You both, I think, have the same financial planning. He's like, I don't know what it is. I don't know how much. The amount. I've never seen a bill. I don't open a thing. I haven't done it in 25 years. Like, zero. Zero awareness.
- [56:50]
Bert Kreischer
I would say. I haven't opened a piece of mail.
- [56:54]
Tom Segura
God damn.
- [56:55]
Bert Kreischer
I'm gonna say. Hang on. Hang on one second. Don't listen. Okay. I haven't opened a piece of mail. I'm gonna guess. You ready?
- [57:02]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
- [57:03]
Bert Kreischer
In 22 years.
- [57:04]
Tom Segura
Okay, let's see what she says.
- [57:06]
Bert Kreischer
Leanne?
- [57:07]
Tom Segura
Yes.
- [57:08]
Bert Kreischer
When was the last time you think I opened a piece of mail? 1993. That's worse than what I thought I was gonna say. I was gonna say 22 years. I don't think I've ever opened a piece of mail since I married you. Oh, I don't think you opened mail before me. I didn't. No. I don't think you've opened mail since 1993. Maybe even before that. Maybe even ever. Yeah, I've never opened mail.
- [57:39]
Tom Segura
So it just. It just sits there.
- [57:41]
Bert Kreischer
Lots of gifts and talents.
- [57:43]
Tom Segura
That's.
- [57:43]
Bert Kreischer
That's not in your wheelhouse. All right, I love you. I'll talk to you later. I just. It gives me anxiety, and I think I got myself into a place. And by the way, let me just say, I've gotten myself into a place where I have regretted not opening mail.
- [57:56]
Tom Segura
Yeah. What's. What's something you should have opened?
- [57:59]
Bert Kreischer
Taxes, like.
- [58:00]
Tom Segura
Oh, yeah, that was. Yeah.
- [58:01]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. I got. I got upside down on taxes. When? In 2003. New. 2004, because I wasn't opening mail. And that's.
- [58:11]
Tom Segura
They're like, here's your tax bill.
- [58:12]
Bert Kreischer
And you're like, and I didn't open it. And then I had someone call me, say, you know, you owe, like, $24,000. And I was like, how did that happen?
- [58:20]
Tom Segura
Yeah, like, there's a lot of penalties.
- [58:22]
Bert Kreischer
And then I ran out of. I've no. I've definitely fucked up. I'm not a good. Like, I fucked up a lot with money because of my anxieties of mail and whatnot, but the second I met Leanne. Smooth sailing.
- [58:37]
Tom Segura
That's cool that it's Good that you both have your role in that, for sure.
- [58:41]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
- [58:42]
Tom Segura
I feel like in my house, it's definitely the other way.
- [58:45]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. No. Why do you think I found you?
- [58:50]
Tom Segura
I don't think Christina's paid a bill in many, many years.
- [58:55]
Bert Kreischer
I'm. I'm the forefront of changing gender identities.
- [58:59]
Tom Segura
Yeah, there you go.
- [59:00]
Bert Kreischer
That's just. I am. If there's any guy out there that feels like they're like me, that they're not really good with money and they're not really good. They're good at making it. Yeah. But they're not good with running it. They spend wildly. They. If I knew how much money I would. I had, I might spend crazy.
- [59:14]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
- [59:14]
Bert Kreischer
So I just go. I don't know.
- [59:16]
Tom Segura
Oh, that's good. That is good. That keep you like this. Then you're right. If you knew, you might go like, oh, it. And just go crazy.
- [59:22]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
- [59:22]
Tom Segura
Yeah. That's the way to be then.
- [59:25]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. I don't think, you know, it's kind of. Do you. Do you like who you are?
- [59:31]
Tom Segura
Do I like who I am?
- [59:32]
Bert Kreischer
Like, do you wake up and go, tom's cool. Shit.
- [59:36]
Tom Segura
No, I don't. I mean, that's not my inner dialogue. Definitely not.
- [59:41]
Bert Kreischer
What's your inner dialogue when you wake up in the morning?
- [59:45]
Tom Segura
Honestly, like, the first thing is like, fuck, I'm tired. I wish I could sleep more.
- [59:50]
Bert Kreischer
It's crazy to be tired when you're not hungover.
- [59:53]
Tom Segura
No, I'm always like, God damn, I wish I could sleep more. I always try to just stay in bed as long as I can unless I, like, absolutely have to get up. But, I mean, I. I.
- [60:02]
Bert Kreischer
What?
- [60:02]
Tom Segura
My point is that I don't stay in bed as long, you know, I mean, like, I get up so tired. Then sometimes, you know, you wake up skinny, so you're like, it's good morning. And then sometimes you wake up fat. No.
- [60:14]
Bert Kreischer
There we go.
- [60:14]
Tom Segura
Then you wake up and.
- [60:15]
Bert Kreischer
Wait, wait, wait. Where do you judge that? Skinny or fat? I can tell you mine, and then you tell me yours. Ready? On my walk to the toilet, I'd make a profile look like an Alfred Hitchcock look. And I can tell if I'm skinny or fat. And sometimes I don't even fucking look.
- [60:30]
Tom Segura
Yeah, I mean, it's similar. Mine is that the mirror is in front of me as I'm walking into the bathroom. So it's straight on. So it's like. It's like your stomach feels, like, flat, and you're like, oh, it's a good, skinny morning. Boxers feel loose, like oh, this is nice. And then. Yeah, some mornings you go it this mirror and you just turn right in and pee. Yeah, dude, it varies. It varies day to day. Day to day.
- [60:57]
Bert Kreischer
Why don't they just make a skinny mirror the way the hotels have them sometimes?
- [61:00]
Tom Segura
I don't know, dude.
- [61:01]
Bert Kreischer
And skinny light a mirror to make you feel better about yourself.
- [61:03]
Tom Segura
I a thousand percent agree.
- [61:05]
Bert Kreischer
There's no reason for a real mirror. Yeah.
- [61:09]
Tom Segura
Just skinny mirrors only.
- [61:10]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. Why do we have real mirrors? And why do we have accurate scales?
- [61:14]
Tom Segura
They should all be bullshit. And cameras.
- [61:15]
Bert Kreischer
We should have scales. We should have scales, Tom. Like when we were kids, when you get on and it would go like this. It would go. It would go. So you can hop off when you're like, it's down here at 245.
- [61:27]
Tom Segura
Are you weighing yourself?
- [61:28]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
- [61:29]
Tom Segura
How is it?
- [61:30]
Bert Kreischer
Not great. I've gained. I'm two. I'm 250. But I'll tell you this. I put my hands on the counter when I weigh myself, and I ease myself onto the scale and I lower my hands and I let go at 250, and then I hop off at 250.
- [61:54]
Tom Segura
Okay, that is insane.
- [62:00]
Bert Kreischer
It's not as insane as. Also what I do. Sometimes I weigh myself backwards and take a picture of it. So I don't know what it is, but I know how heavy I was.
- [62:09]
Tom Segura
So you don't actually even see it.
- [62:11]
Bert Kreischer
So what I'll do is I'll stand backwards and I'll take a picture of it and then.
- [62:16]
Tom Segura
But you don't look at the picture.
- [62:17]
Bert Kreischer
I don't look at the picture until three days later when I feel like I've lost weight. And then I go, I wonder how much I was. And then the other day, that backfired on me because I took it and it was like 247. And I was like, I'm going to look at that when I've lost weight. So I didn't drink for eight days, and then I got on the scale the other day and I was like. I did the hands thing and I was like, okay, 250. I'm good with that number. And I was like, I wonder what I was. I'm spending, like 257 when I ran the Two Bears. And I was like, 247? What the fuck? I gained three pounds.
- [62:44]
Tom Segura
Oh, my God.
- [62:45]
Bert Kreischer
But I think it's because I had pizza, dude. I got. Hold on, Hang on. I had cauliflower pizza, but I don't think they use cauliflower. I think they use bread.
- [62:54]
Tom Segura
That's not cauliflower pizza.
- [62:56]
Bert Kreischer
That's just. I know, but halfway through, I discovered it, and I was like, I'll just pretend it's a going. And then they had these. My sister goes, they have these great pizza bowls. And I was like, I think we ordered from a gas station. It was so bad, so funny. And then. And then I got an IV that day, so I feel like I retained all that water.
- [63:17]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
- [63:18]
Bert Kreischer
And I get two bags. I get dizzy as holy, man.
- [63:23]
Tom Segura
That's. That's wild. Yeah, I got it trimmed down, too. I. I think I put on, like, ten pounds.
- [63:31]
Bert Kreischer
Was there a part of the shooting of the. Was there a part of shooting Bad Thoughts where you were heavier? Like, one sketch where you're heavy?
- [63:38]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
- [63:39]
Bert Kreischer
What sketch was that? What? I saw one sketch. You looked, like, fatter than the other sketches.
- [63:44]
Tom Segura
Yeah, because I shot it three years ago, that's why. Yeah. Yeah. That was when I shot the pilot, which was. There was no deal. I just shot it on my own. And, yeah, it's notable. And I kept bringing it up. I was like, should we make, like, a comment about it? It's that one. It's the coffee one.
- [64:01]
Bert Kreischer
It is the coffee one.
- [64:02]
Tom Segura
Yeah, that one. I'm definitely way bigger. And everyone was like, no. You know how other people are like, no. What do you mean? I'm like, you don't think people will notice? And they're like, no. I'm like, how can they not notice? I'm 40 pounds heavier. And they're like, I don't think anyone will notice.
- [64:17]
Bert Kreischer
Like, was Jinx buy me a Coke written in the script?
- [64:21]
Tom Segura
Yes.
- [64:22]
Bert Kreischer
Okay.
- [64:22]
Tom Segura
But the last line was improv.
- [64:24]
Bert Kreischer
What was? Which one? Which one?
- [64:26]
Tom Segura
The last line is. She goes, you killed three people. I go, I know. I'm exhausted. And then I go, I don't know how you guys do it.
- [64:33]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
- [64:33]
Tom Segura
That was excellent.
- [64:34]
Bert Kreischer
That was great.
- [64:35]
Tom Segura
Yeah. Yeah.
- [64:37]
Bert Kreischer
Well, dude, congratulations on Bad Thoughts.
- [64:39]
Tom Segura
Thanks, bro.
- [64:40]
Bert Kreischer
Awesome. I'm so happy for you. I'm so happy you've. You've watched me succeed so often. It's so nice to see you succeed.
- [64:48]
Tom Segura
Thank you.
- [64:48]
Bert Kreischer
And it's just really a treat to be on your side of the fence and just really watch you shine.
- [64:53]
Tom Segura
Thanks, man. I know you must be just filled with joy. Good luck holding out on drinking on this flight.
- [65:00]
Bert Kreischer
I hope you can make it happen. Just let go. Let go.
- [65:02]
Tom Segura
Okay. Let go. All right.
- [65:03]
Bert Kreischer
Let it go. Eight days is good.
- [65:04]
Tom Segura
Eight days is a long time.
- [65:06]
Bert Kreischer
Eight days a long time. And then if I don't drink a couple Times in Hawaii, you're back on.
- [65:11]
Tom Segura
You're just on it. Yeah.
- [65:12]
Bert Kreischer
And then if I don't drink. Yeah. So it's just all you got to do is a little bit, you know? Tom, let me tell you something. If you're listening right now and you're thinking about quit drinking, don't. Hold on. Here's the theory. Here's the deal. Just do better today than you did yesterday. That's it. That's all you got to do. Do better today than you did yesterday. And if you have. If you get out of control today, realize you got an easier day coming tomorrow. That's all you got to live your life. Can I give you the other hint? This is what Leanne did. If you're having a hard time on social media, and you're on social media a lot, right? And you're like, fuck, I wish I could stop it. You know what Leigh Anne's had me do?
- [65:44]
Tom Segura
What?
- [65:44]
Bert Kreischer
I'm allowed 10 minutes. And when my timer comes up, whatever I was just watching, I got to write a joke about.
- [65:50]
Tom Segura
Oh, yeah.
- [65:53]
Bert Kreischer
It's pretty awesome.
- [65:54]
Tom Segura
It's pretty good.
- [65:55]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
- [65:56]
Tom Segura
Okay. Well, thanks. Thank you guys for watching and listening. And please check out Bad Thoughts. It's on Netflix. Please tell your friends and. Yeah, thank you, guys.
- [66:07]
Bert Kreischer
And check out Lucky streaming on Netflix right now. Permission to Party World Tour starts in September. We're in Rockford, Illinois. I will see you there. We're hitting red rocks October 1st.
- [66:15]
Tom Segura
First.
- [66:15]
Bert Kreischer
What else, Tommy?
- [66:16]
Tom Segura
Yeah, tour dates. Tomskira.com tour I got a. A full fall schedule and. Super.
- [66:24]
Bert Kreischer
And if you were ever wondering if Tom casually used the phrase come a little bit in his tour titles and where does this come from? Check out Bad Thoughts. Tom thinks about Come a lot.
- [66:34]
Tom Segura
Yeah, I guess it's on my mind. Thanks, man. Love you. Have a good trip to Hawaii, buddy.
- [66:40]
Bert Kreischer
Love you.
- [66:40]
Tom Segura
Bye.
- [66:41]
Bert Kreischer
Burt and Tom. Tom and Bert. One goes topless while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Burts the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call two bears, One cave.