Bert Calls His Dead Grandma | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Summary

2 Bears, 1 Cave: "Bert Calls His Dead Grandma"

Podcast: 2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Episode Date: September 15, 2025
Host: YMH Studios

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Tom and Bert dive into raw, hilarious conversations about family, pets, nostalgia, OnlyFans, generational changes in manhood, and navigating life’s oddities. Between Bert’s emotional dog story, the impulsive attempt to call his deceased grandma, and the duo’s latest wild plan to manage OnlyFans creators, the episode delivers its signature blend of silly banter, personal confessions, and real talk about modern life.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Joy and Obsession of Standup Comedy

• Both comedians talk about the thrill and creative process of building new material.
  • [00:29] Bert: “I have a joke that I've written… It's better than anything I've ever written because the punchline is just two words and I don't need to say anything other than I'm so proud of this joke.”
  • [01:28] Tom: “It's the most addictive component of doing standup. It's why you can't quit.”

2. Emotional Story: Losing Mac the Dog & Sisterly Connections

• Bert shares an emotional and serendipitous story about losing his family’s bullmastiff, Mac, while the family was in Hawaii, and the improbable comfort his daughter Georgia finds when she meets Mac’s biological sister while at work.
  • [03:19] Bert: “It's our dog's sister. Now Georgia's looking at Mac's sister. Same litter, same parents. And Georgia just starts bawling.”
  • [04:36] Tom: “That is crazy.”

3. Allergies, Cats, and “Sleep Divorce”

• The guys discuss their pet situations, allergies, and modern living.
  • Tom shares his family’s switch to a cat and allergy management.
    • [06:22] Tom: “You just feed it a certain type of food and it reduces those allergens by like 80%.”
  • Bert describes his own split living arrangement with his wife due to snoring and allergies.
    • [09:16] Bert: “We're in a sleep divorce. We don't sleep together anymore.”

4. Nostalgia: Phone Numbers and the Dead Grandma Call

• The loss of memorizing phone numbers and old-school navigation skills becomes a running theme.
  • Both reminisce about growing up needing to learn directions and phone numbers.
  • Bert impulsively tries calling his deceased grandmother’s old number for laughs:
    • [25:14] Bert: “What if she answers?”
    • [25:46] Tom: “Yeah, just be like, are you seriously dead?”
  • Results in a typical Bert & Tom antic with a voicemail pickup.

5. Navigational Skills & Generational ‘Manhood’

• Bert opines on how younger generations—exemplified by his assistant Kyle—lack navigation and direction sense, relying entirely on their phones for steps that used to be second nature.
  • [19:06] Bert: “They don't have a sense of direction … Life exists for them.”
• Tom relates with similar experiences, including with wife Christina when he couldn’t find his way around Pasadena.

6. Old-School Pranks & Early Internet Trolling

• Recollection of prank-calling as children, and how it evolved into modern trolling.
  • [34:13] Tom: “...she was like, yeah, my mom called the phone company, like. And I was like, I didn't know people could do that.”
  • [35:28] Bert: “It's the original troll. Being a troll has to be so fucking fun…”

7. OnlyFans Management Scheme

• A significant segment sees Tom and Bert reading submissions from fans wanting to launch OnlyFans accounts, evaluating their pictures and bios while riffing comedically about the potential to “manage” these creators.
  • [39:22–51:03]: Multiple listeners submit for the “2 Bears” OnlyFans management idea, from solo creators to couples, Milfs, and tattooed “Suicide Girl”-types.
  • [47:33] Bert: “I think less is more and fun is our mandate … I love the getting in public and, you know, I don't need to smell her socks. Although people can easily ask to smell her socks.”
• The conversation includes playful “pimp” jokes, discussions on pricing models, and Bert pondering OnlyFans if he “had tits.”
  • [51:37] Bert: “I can’t believe not everyone has an only fans. Like if I had tits, I would have an only fans.”

8. Speech Impediments and Diversity

• Bert points out how he observes more young people with speech impediments, pondering if it’s a generational thing.
  • [53:06] Bert: “Have you ever heard an Asian person with a speech impediment? … I've never heard an Asian guy with a lisp.”
• Tom and Bert admit both went to speech therapy as kids, riffing about how language quirks sometimes intersect with racial stereotypes in humor.

9. NFL Gambling and Obsessing Over Football Picks

• Tom and Bert share frustrations (and minor victories) with their NFL bets, marveling at how Vegas always nails the spreads.
  • [56:59] Tom: “How the fuck do you do this? … I realized I was in this. I was going to be in this perpetual time suck if I was, like, really getting into it.”

10. Family, Adoption, and College Athlete Sponsorship

• In typically ridiculous fashion, Bert suggests adopting teen “big brother” program kids and paying for their college.
  • The show signs golfer Patrick McCann as their “NIL” athlete—possibly leading to a spoof OnlyFans promo.
    • [64:28] Bert: “Patrick McCann. Welcome to the Two Bears NIL. You're a golfer. You let us know what you need.”
  • [66:05] Bert: “Zac Efron, let us ever know if you want to be a guest Bear, we'll fly to you.”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Standup Comedy:
  • “There is no thrill like figuring out a joke. It is the most fun.” — Tom [01:28]
• On Dog Loss Coincidence:
  • “How crazy is that?” — Bert [04:34]
• On Cat Allergies:
  • “I've been letting these cats suck my dick. That must be what it is.” — Bert [06:52]
• Bert Dials His Dead Grandma:
  • “What if she answers?” — Bert [25:14]
  • “Should I leave her a message?” — Bert [25:46]
• On Old-School Numbers:
  • “All my friends phone numbers.” — Bert [28:58]
• On Managing OnlyFans:
  • “We build to like, you know, a thousand person gangbang. But, like, you build to that, you don't start there.” — Bert [48:57]
  • “If I had tits, I would have an only fans.” — Bert [51:37]
• On Generational Direction Skills:
  • “They don’t have a sense of direction…Life exists for them.” — Bert [19:06]
• Classic Prank Calls:
  • “Do you remember prank calling?” — Tom [32:52]
• On Diversity & Speech Therapy:
  • “Have you ever heard an Asian person with a speech impediment?” — Bert [53:06]
• On Gambling:
  • “How the fuck do you do this? … I realized I was in this. I was going to be in this perpetual time suck if I was, like, really getting into it.” — Tom [56:59]
• Riffing on Zac Efron’s Shirtless Golf Video:
  • “I'm not even gay. And Zac Efron golfing gets my dick hard.” — Bert [65:22]

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Important Timestamps

• 00:29 — Bert’s pride over a new standup joke
• 01:48–04:49 — Bert’s emotional story about Mac the dog
• 05:28–06:52 — Tom and Bert dish about pets and allergies
• 09:16–10:12 — Bert and Leanne’s “sleep divorce”
• 19:06–24:03 — Rant about young people’s lack of real-world navigation skills
• 25:14 — Bert attempts to call his dead grandmother
• 32:52 — Prank calling and trolling nostalgia
• 39:22–51:03 — OnlyFans submissions and management segment
• 53:06–55:03 — Discussion of speech impediments
• 56:59–58:28 — NFL gambling and frustration
• 64:28–65:57 — Signing up NIL golfer Patrick McCann and riffing on Zac Efron

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Episode Vibe & Tone

The episode is a quintessential 2 Bears hangout: unfiltered, juvenile at times, honest, silly, and full of self-deprecating warmth. Tom and Bert play off each other’s stories and rants, mixing in moments of real vulnerability (loss, nostalgia, midlife) with over-the-top jokes and ridiculous new schemes.

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Recommended For

Fans of the podcast who love a blend of real-life storytelling and off-the-cuff humor, and listeners interested in comedy behind-the-scenes, generational commentary, pop culture riffs, and absurd business ideas.

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End Summary.

Transcript

[Bert Kreischer]

100%.

[Tom Segura]

All right. Welcome to another episode of Two Bears One Cave. It's your favorite podcasters.

[Burt]

Tom and Bert.

[Tom Segura]

So how are you feeling today? Is your self esteem up?

[Bert Kreischer]

My self esteem's through the roof, Tommy.

[Tom Segura]

Wow, that's great, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

I have a joke that I've written that. It happened to me, and, you know, you're the one that kind of created the joke.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I have two jokes about you in my new hour.

[Burt]

Oh, boy.

[Bert Kreischer]

I have two jokes about you, but this one's my favorite one. And it's so good, Tom. It's better than anything I've ever written because the punchline is just two words and I don't need to say anything other than I'm so proud of this joke. I'm so proud of this joke.

[Tom Segura]

I'm excited to see it.

[Bert Kreischer]

So the only reason I fucking love stand up. I don't love anything the way I love stand up. The feeling only us. Meaning, like me, you, Louie, Stanhope, Rogan, Shane, you know, we only us. Real, true, pure standups. Know the joy in figuring something out and making it funny and then tweaking it to make it more funny. It is the fucking greatest.

[Tom Segura]

It's the most addictive component of doing standup. It's why you can't quit. It's because you just. There is no thrill like figuring out a joke. It is the most fun.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's better than a phone call from my daughter. Can I tell you the craziest. Can I tell you the craziest story tomorrow?

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. And I'm not gonna get emotional at all, but this is a wild, wild story. So, you know, we put Mac down our bullmastiff when we were in Hawaii.

[Tom Segura]

I didn't know that dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah, we. He had cancer. You know, he lasted through the whole time of me filming this, the series. We get home, we take one quick trip to Hawaii, and he goes into the hospital and they're like, it's not going to be good. It's not good. He's not coming out. I mean, there's so much to this that I'm not telling and that, you know, Pete, my old assistant Pete, had to go and be with Mack when they put him down and hold it on FaceTime for us in Hawaii. Tom. It was brutal. It was brutal and I mean, and it was crazy. As much as I told the story about putting down Priscilla, I relived that to a T, Tom. To a. I relived all of the anger and frustration. And then the second Mac start, like his breathing slowed down. I just started fucking dumping. It was crazy. Anyway, so we put Mac down, Georgia, everyone goes back to normal. I think. I really think we need another dog. Izzy's super sad, but I get a call from Georgia or a text from Georgia the other day. It's actually Leanne in Georgia. Georgia texts Leanne. Georgia's at work. I'm sorry. I'm fucking this up. Georgia's at work. She's a bartender and waitress. She goes over to a table to wait on the table, and the lady has bullmastiff. And Georgia gets a little emotional and she goes, wow, we just. We have bullmastiffs. And the lady said, really? And she goes, yeah. And Georgia goes, we just had to put our big guy down. And she goes, where did you get your bullmastiff? And Georgia goes, arizona. She goes, do you know the name of the kennel? And Georgia goes, I don't. She goes, is it Desert Sky? And Georgia goes, as a matter of fact, it is Desert Sky. She goes, that's crazy. She goes, do you know the parents of your bullmastiff? She goes, I don't. So she calls up Leanne. She goes, mom, do you know Mac's parents? She goes, it's Waylon and Loretta Lynn are the two parents. And Georgia goes over the lady, and she goes, waylon and Loretta Lynn? And the lady freezes. She goes, how old was your dog? Georgia goes, five. She looks down and she goes, this is Mac's sister. It's our dog's sister. That lady had got our dog's sister. Now Georgia's looking at Max sister. Same litter, same parents. And Georgia just starts bawling. And the lady's like, you know, I go out of town a lot. You ever want to dog sit for me? And George is like, are you kidding? I'll dog sit for free. How crazy is that?

[Tom Segura]

That is crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

In a totally different state, in a totally different city, that our dog's sister would go to Georgia's restaurant and sit down and Georgia would wait on that table.

[Tom Segura]

Like, can you imagine if Georgia was dog sitting and she accidentally killed this dog? How traumatic that would be for her?

[Burt]

You know?

[Tom Segura]

Like, she. She forgot that the leash was in the car or something and went driving and just drug that dog to death. Wouldn't that be nuts?

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, I told Georgie, you should go kidnap that dog.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, just go steal it, dude. That would be crazy. That is. I'm sure that fucked her up emotionally.

[Bert Kreischer]

I did. And the dog looks just like Mac, but Brindle.

[Burt]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow. Do you guys have dogs still?

[Tom Segura]

We gave the dog that we had to my mom because my youngest is allergic. Has a high allergic reaction to dogs. And he has a let. He's allergic because of much lower reaction to cats. Never had a cat. We got this cat and it's the best cat that I've ever been around in my life because he acts like a dog. He is amazing. This dog is amazing. Or excuse me. This cat is fantastic.

[Burt]

I love it.

[Bert Kreischer]

What did you name the cat?

[Tom Segura]

They named it Munchkin. So it's.

[Bert Kreischer]

They named it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, they named it. It's orange. Dude has like just the best disposition. He's so cool. He just lounges. He likes to be picked up and carried. Sits on your lap. Like, he's just. He's awesome.

[Bert Kreischer]

I never have ever had a cat. We have cats. When we have cats in our house, I've never. I'm allergic to cats. I can't be around cats.

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I have to take daily medicine for it. But yeah, I'm allergic to.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you really?

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

But also, I guess this is like somewhat recent, you know, the reason people are allergic to cats or like, what gets, you know, the allergic reaction in a human being is what is in the cat's saliva. So now you. You just feed it a certain type of food and it reduces those allergens by like 80%. So as long as you have it eating this type of food, it's producing less allergens.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I've been letting these cats suck my dick. That must be what it is.

[Tom Segura]

That's probably what it is.

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

If they lick your dick and your balls, then you're probably going to get.

[Bert Kreischer]

I get itchy down there.

[Tom Segura]

Hives.

[Bert Kreischer]

I get my dick. I can't even.

[Tom Segura]

It's like worse than herpes. You got to stop letting your cat blow you. Yeah, for sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

What percentage of men do you think have cats?

[Tom Segura]

What percentage straight, like, single men?

[Bert Kreischer]

Google it. What percentage of straight men have cats? Right now a bunch of listeners are going, hold on, I have a cat.

[Tom Segura]

There's a lot more than you think. No, for sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

What percentage of straight men have cats? 52%. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Men that are more likely to own cats than women globally, 52 to 48.

[Tom Segura]

That's a broad statistic. It says more men adopt adult cats. In the UK, 27% adopt a cat compared to 18% of women.

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So while you're trying to call the world's cat owners gay, the statistics show.

[Bert Kreischer]

That they're just female.

[Tom Segura]

Straight men also yeah, they just. They still love cats.

[Bert Kreischer]

Why do you get a cat? I mean, like, think through it. What do you get a cat for?

[Tom Segura]

Well, one of the reasons I think that people probably is they know that cats just need less attention than a dog. So if you're like, I want a companion. I want a pet. But I'm. You know, I can't do the daily. I can't. You know, you can leave a cat for whatever, I don't know, six months with just some. With just some food in a litter box, and it's just like, yeah, I'm chilling, dude. You know, you can leave it alone.

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

A couple years. You can just leave it. It'll still be like, what's up, dude?

[Burt]

I don't know.

[Tom Segura]

But it's clearly a thing where people. It's lower maintenance. They're less maintenance.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I haven't seen our cat, and I haven't seen our cat. Our cat lives upstairs.

[Tom Segura]

Do you never go upstairs?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know, because it's an allergy haven up there.

[Tom Segura]

So you just stay on the ground floor.

[Bert Kreischer]

I stay on the ground floor. Leanne lives upstairs. I live downstairs.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, this is good.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

How's that going?

[Bert Kreischer]

It's going great. It's really great. Except we got a fight this morning because I dropped all the ACs. She has to use the downstairs. Like, I can't just get it all to myself. Like, if I just had the upstairs, it would be better because I could keep it the way I. I had the upstairs for a while. When in our sleep divorce, I had the upstairs. I had the screening room.

[Tom Segura]

What's the sleep divorce?

[Bert Kreischer]

We're in a sleep divorce. We don't sleep together anymore.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, we're.

[Tom Segura]

Because of your snoring.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. By snoring.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so snoring and throwing up in my throat while I sleep. It's a lot of things. Listening to podcasts, you know, I have.

[Tom Segura]

A specific CPAP working or.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I don't believe in those. So do you have one?

[Burt]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. Exactly. So I don't.

[Burt]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. So. So I had the upstairs for a while, and I. Dude, no. Girls are gone. I got a. I got a balcony. I got a. I slept in the screening room. I turn on a documentary.

[Tom Segura]

Slept in your screening room.

[Bert Kreischer]

I loved it. I loved it.

[Tom Segura]

Make it nice and cold.

[Bert Kreischer]

66.

[Tom Segura]

That's nice. With a blanket.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, blank. What I did is I got two comforters, 10 pillows, and I just made myself like a. Like a Jabba the Hut layer.

[Tom Segura]

Like just kind of awesome.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just like that. Yeah. Jack off whenever the I wanted because I'd hear her coming upstairs. Yeah. Like being in high school.

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

That's cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was awesome.

[Tom Segura]

Did you put on porn on the. In the screening room?

[Bert Kreischer]

I've never watched porn in the screening room.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I never did that either.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know you think I would have by now.

[Tom Segura]

I definitely think you would have.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I would. You know what I'd like to do? I'd like to get those goggles. Much porn that way.

[Tom Segura]

The VR stuff, It's the best experience I've ever had.

[Bert Kreischer]

You've done it regardless.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, well, I. I said I wanted one. I was like, oh, they seem cool. I just wanted to watch porn on it. And then I got it and I was like, oh, these games are cool. But I was also downloading, you know, porn, and I could see if. If I had been given that 10 to 15 years prior, I'd have a different life right now, you know, And I don't think it'd be a productive one. No, I think. I think. And if you gave me that at like, 16, my life would be over. It would be just be over. I tried it for, like, I don't know, a couple months. And I was watching. I was like, this is because, you know, like the male performer in it wears the camera. And then anywhere you look is live and you. So you feel like you're in this room and if there's like multiple people, you're just. Everywhere you look, something, and it's all for you. It's a real mind fuck.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, how do I get one today?

[Burt]

Easy.

[Bert Kreischer]

What is it called? Oculus. Yeah, I have an Oculus, but I.

[Tom Segura]

Got an VR headset. Yeah, sure. The Meta one, whatever is 5, 400.

[Bert Kreischer]

How much is it? 500 bucks. Hey, can. Hey, send Kyle to go buy one? I want to try porn today.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it's really good. By the way, I haven't touched that VR set in about a year. Maybe a year and change. Like, I just didn't open it again.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really.

[Tom Segura]

I just feel like it's. Yeah, it's too much of a distress. Not because of the porn, just it's so good at, like, the games too. The games are so fucking incredible that I realized I was in this. I was going to be in this perpetual time suck if I was, like, really getting into it. So I stopped using it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can I tell you how to raise your boys?

[Tom Segura]

Sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because I think our future is fucked. Like, when you look, when you. Now you're telling me about this, you're saying, at 16, I would have. Tom. I didn't get to watch the first piece of pornography I ever saw. I was 15. And the first. And that was a magazine. The first porn I ever saw, I was 18.

[Burt]

18.

[Bert Kreischer]

18 was the first porno I ever saw.

[Tom Segura]

Damn, I was way ahead of you, bro.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's Scappo Beer's house. And it was with, like, 19 dudes.

[Tom Segura]

I was watching Spice Channel when I was, like, probably 10. And I didn't realize that it was at my neighbor. My neighbor's house. His dad had ordered it. And so we, like, we're in the basement, we're watching it, kind of jerking off without him paying attention, you know, like next to him, like. And then I thought I was like, oh, that's. I thought I'd seen hard. I didn't realize that wasn't hardcore. No, that was just. And then I went to Peru and I'm staying in my aunt and uncle's house with my cousins. I have three male cousins. And they're like, I'm 13. And then one's 13, one's 15, and one's like 17. And the oldest one, he brings a tape in, like a VHS tape. And he goes, oh, you're home today. Like, you're just staying in here. I got, you know, watch this. And I was like, oh, I've seen stuff. He goes, you've never seen shit like this. And I was like, yeah, I have.

[Burt]

He goes, no, you haven't.

[Tom Segura]

I was like, okay. And then I put it in and it was like a four hour, like, you know, like just scene after scene of hardcore. I was 13 or 14 and I think I jerked off eight times. I got sick. I got like. I got a fever. I got really sick. I was like, I'm hungry, but I have a fever. It was. It was overwhelming to my system. If you've given me a VR headset at that time, I probably would have committed suicide, dude. Like, it was overwhelming. It definitely changed my brain. Mapping me up. I don't recommend it for a young team.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I have a visual of you just holding your right hand back. Like, stop, stop.

[Tom Segura]

I couldn't stop.

[Burt]

I couldn't stop.

[Tom Segura]

I really couldn't stop.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, God.

[Tom Segura]

I want to say they called a doctor for me, but, yeah, it was. It was bad. It was bad. Then he came. He came back. He's like, you like that shit? Yeah, that was cool. Thanks.

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[Bert Kreischer]

I just. I'm raising a child right now, my assistant Kyle. And so. And I'm. I'm just helping him learn things about what my version of a man is versus what today's version of a man is.

[Tom Segura]

So, like, how old is he?

[Bert Kreischer]

32. Okay, so, like, he doesn't. So this is the number one thing. Number one thing is if they drive, their phone's in their hand, they're like this. They don't have a sense of direction. Like, Pete, who's lived in LA now for four years, could not get to his house from our office without pulling up Google Maps. Like, they have no sense of direction. I said to Kyle, I said, we pulled out of our house. And I go, how would I get to the 101 right now? Just, just real quick, Kyle, what would be the best bet to get to the 101? And he goes, I have no idea where it is. I go, hold on. You live here? You've lived here for two years, three years. Where's the one on one? And he goes, I have no idea. I go, where's the 405? He goes, I couldn't tell you. He was like, I don't even know where I am now. I understand that a little bit. Like, because remember I told you in Tallahassee, I thought east and west was north and south the whole time I lived in Tallahassee because for whatever reason, I thought I knew the 10 went east west. And I knew you got off on Tennessee street and you took Tennessee or 60 or whatever it is all the way into the city. And I knew the 10 was east west, so I assumed that the Tennessee was north south for seven. Honestly, for probably 25 years, my whole life, and then my recent trip, I found out that the. That Tennessee goes east, west. And you catch it at a little portion of the 10 where the 10 goes north to get.

[Burt]

You know. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So it blew. Blew me away. But right now, I'm telling Kyle, like, you can't. You got to learn what a direction. Like, what he doesn't understand. He. I was like, we had to go to do a podcast with Philip Lee and. And Neem the other day.

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And we were in, like. We were in Encino. And he was like, all right, so we're going to get into the mountains first. And I was like, mountains? He was like, yeah, we gotta go in the mountains. And then we're going through a valley. I think I go. We're driving through the valley. And he was like, I don't know. Is that it? I was like, really? He just. They don't. Everything is. Life exists for them.

[Burt]

Right?

[Tom Segura]

Dude, I remember. I remember that, like, early on, this is one of, like, the first fights where I was like, what's this bitch talking about with Christina? When I was dating her and she was living in Pasadena. And I was like, how do I get there again? She was like, how do you not fucking know this? I was like, you are in a part of town I don't go to. What are you fucking talking about?

[Burt]

Right?

[Tom Segura]

Like, I didn't know. I never went to Pasadena. I was like, get your shit together and come to LA. You live in Pasadena. And I didn't know the 134 and the 2 10. And I asked her, like, three times, and she was like, how the fuck do you not know this shit? I was like, what?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

What?

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, how well do you know. How well do you know Austin?

[Tom Segura]

Terribly. But I'll. But I have, like, a somewhat explicable reason, which is if you take the four years and change that I've lived here, I have been gone, gone from the city that I reside in for like, more than two thirds of those days. You know what I mean? Like, I've been on world tours and, like, all these other things. So, no, I don't think I have a good idea of the geography of Austin at all. But, like, last week, when I was home for like, five days in a row, every day, I would go from the house to the gym without directions, and then from the gym to my office without directions. So, like, there's things that you just kind of map in right to your memory. Cause you start repeating the movements. But one thing I'm terrible at, honestly, is the reference to the names of our highways. Like, I Have LA pretty down, you know, I mean, like, that was a long time there. And it is a process of, like, at first, I only fucking knew. I thought everything was the one on one. I was like, one on one. I got it. That's the only thing I knew. And then you add the 405 and you add the 10, and then you're in the 110 and the 605 and the 134 and the 2. But it's like, you have to have, like, the repetition of those, you know, those movements to, like, grasp it. But LA still feels very comfortable for me to navigate. I feel very comfortable navigating la.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I could. I feel very comfortable getting around la. As a matter of fact, I was going to Julian Edelman's house, and I know where he lives. And I was like. And we were in. We were at Rich Eisen's and so down by the 110. And I was like. I was like, yo, I think I can get a Julian's without directions. But Kyle's like, don't trust it.

[Burt]

And he.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I was like, well, just tell me when I'm off. So I got. I got to Julian's. I got to Julian's. I was two rights away from his house. Like, I got two rights away from his house. But then.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. So, like, it's. I got really close, sure. But, like, I can kind of figure out la. Like, if you go, where are we going? And they go, santa Monica. I go, okay, take the 405 to the 10, get off on Bundy. And then we're in Santa Monica. We're in Santa Monica. Like. But it's so funny, these kids, they have no frame of reference for.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, it kind of makes sense, though, because, like, we came up, like, when I moved to la, you bought a Thomas Guide, but you learned the.

[Bert Kreischer]

Thomas Guide so that you can learn from it.

[Tom Segura]

I know. It's like. But if, like, somebody just goes, whenever you're going anywhere, just press this button. It's like, it's not gonna. Same thing with phone numbers. I used to have 100 phone numbers memorized. I didn't even think about it.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's just, boom. How many phone numbers? How many phone numbers can you. Let's count. How many phone numbers can you tell.

[Tom Segura]

Me right now that are like, this is for sure. This number. This as it is.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like. Like, I can. I. I'll tell you. I'll start. I can tell you Leanne's number.

[Burt]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

I can tell you my mom's cell phone number. I can tell you my home number, my dad's office number. I can do my grandmother's phone number, but she's dead.

[Tom Segura]

Try it.

[Bert Kreischer]

What if she answers?

[Tom Segura]

That'd be so cool if she was like, you thought I was dead. I just hate you guys.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, look at. It says Grandma. It says Grandma.

[Tom Segura]

It's just gonna be like some Persian guy who got the number. Why you called me.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's crazy. I remember my grandmother's phone number. She's been dead for. Fuck, I don't know how long. I don't think she's gonna answer. Should I leave her a message?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, just be like, are you seriously dead?

[Spam Caller]

Hi, we're not here right now.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, dude, you know who definitely used to have my current number?

[Bert Kreischer]

Who?

[Tom Segura]

It's definitely somebody who was either a building super or. Or just worked for, like, an ac. Like, I get messages all the time. They're like, ah, my air conditioning is not working and we are dying in here. Can you please call us back here? And I'm just like, no, I'm never going to call you back. Deal with it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Who do you think has my last number?

[Burt]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

See who has this number.

[Spam Caller]

Hey, this is Burt Kreischer. I'm out of the country.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, I guess I still have it.

[Tom Segura]

You still have it?

[Burt]

Yeah. You have it?

[Bert Kreischer]

I still have it. Bleep that number out, everybody.

[Tom Segura]

Dude, the phone numbers that I actually remember.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Okay, so I got five. How many do you remember? Home number. What was your childhood in a home number? No one has. No one has it now. Somebody has it now for sure, but not yours. Like, you're. It's no connection to you.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, but I mean, we don't want to put the phone number out there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Give me a phone number.

[Tom Segura]

Which one?

[Bert Kreischer]

Give me your childhood phone number.

[Tom Segura]

Well, I had it. I moved a lot.

[Bert Kreischer]

Give me them all.

[Burt]

No, no, I didn't know how.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, because I want. Do you remember. Do you remember your Cincinnati phone number?

[Tom Segura]

No, I remember my aunt and uncles, because that's what I would call all the time.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

And then we. I remember. I don't remember my Minnesota or Milwaukee one. I remember Florida.

[Bert Kreischer]

You definitely remember?

[Tom Segura]

Yes, I remember Florida.

[Bert Kreischer]

What's that?

[Tom Segura]

I do have that.

[Bert Kreischer]

What is that, 305.

[Tom Segura]

So simple.

[Burt]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

What is it?

[Tom Segura]

But don't call it. We have to edit this out.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just bleep it, but go ahead.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. It was. It's like a. It's a good number.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you know my. My last. My last phone number that I had That I had to get rid of because I leaked it online and. Or it got leaked online. It spelled Bert.

[Tom Segura]

It did?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You requested that?

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Jesus.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, he said, he goes.

[Tom Segura]

Do you have a personalized license plate that says Bert, Bert, Bert on it?

[Bert Kreischer]

It says sticky dick. Okay, wait, so. Okay, so your home number.

[Tom Segura]

Hold on, hold on. I got that one. I have. I remember the girl that I would call all the time. I remember her number. And then I remember my dad's office line, which now just some other guy will answer, which will be. I'll be like, what? He's not there? So there's that one. I remember. I have my mom's cell phone memorized. Only because it's the same number for 25 years. So I have that one memorized. And bro, I think that's it. I think that's it. I don't know Christina's number by heart. I don't know the house line. I have a house line. I don't have that number memorized. I don't have. Well, I have my number. Yeah, I have my number memorized and that's it, dude. And I used to have like, you know, you. I would just be able to rattle off all my friends phone numbers.

[Bert Kreischer]

All my friends phone numbers.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I don't know any of them.

[Burt]

None? None.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, man, it was so, so easy.

[Tom Segura]

Did I remember? I think I remember.

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So I have my cousin Brian's memorized. That's also been a long time. At one point, this is how much I used to hang out with Sickler.

[Burt]

Yeah, I.

[Tom Segura]

When I first moved to la, dude, I. I had his cell and office number memorized. Like he was my boyfriend. I was like, I gotta check on him. He's at work. That's how much I would call Ryan. It was like I had both those memorized.

[Bert Kreischer]

If you run a small business, you know, there's nothing small about it. As a business owner, I get it. My business is and has always been all consuming. From the moment I wake up until I go to bed. Since the day I started, every day there is a new decision to make. And even the smallest decisions feel massive. I have decision to make. Right before this read, I had three decisions to make. The thing that helps me the most when all these decisions begin to feel daunting, was knowing that I had the right platform with all the right tools that I would need to be successful. And that platform is Shopify. Shopify's point of sale system is a unified command center for your retail business. It brings together in store and Online operations across up to to a thousand locations. Imagine being able to guarantee that shopping is always convenient. Endless aisle ship to customer, buy online, pick up in store. All made simpler so customers can shop how they want and staff have the tools to close the sale every time. And let's face it, acquiring new customers is expensive. With Shopify POS you can keep shoppers coming back with personalized experiences and first party data that gives marketing teams a competitive edge. In fact it's proven based on a report from EY businesses on Shopify POS see real results like 22% better total cost of ownership and benefits equivalent to an 8.9% uplift in sales on average relative to the market they surveyed. Telling you right now, without Shopify I would not be sitting where I am. They've done so much for me and given me so much breathing room that I'm telling you right now, it is the go to get all the big stuff for your small business right with Shopify. Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com bears go to shopify.com bears shopify.com bears if you don't know by now, this is me and Tommy's vodka. It's called Porosos for the Bears and we want you to make friends. There's nothing better than having a best friend that you can share secrets with, share a cocktail with and you're going to love this vodka. It's got a smooth taste, a beautiful finish and we taste tested 100 different vodkas and landed on this one mutually. And we were not wrong. We have won two huge awards. The USA Spirits 2024 Gold Medal and the Tasting Alliance 2024 Double Gold Medal. It is a fair price. It is an accessible price. We wanted to make that for our fans. We want you to enjoy it. Go get yourself a bottle and make it with soda. We have a bunch of drinks a of bunch over on the Porosos Instagram page that you can try. But pick up a bottle at one of our finer retailer partners, ABC Fine Wines in Spirit, Total Wine and More specs. Or go demand it at your favorite liquor retailer. Do that at a bar. Go up to your favorite bar and go do you guys serve prosos? When they say no they go damn. All right, nevermind. I guess I'll have a beer. Order a bottle and some of our killer merch [e-mail] make friends. God man, that's crazy. I don't. Yeah, I remember childhood. I remember we Joe's Phone number. I remember. I remember.

[Tom Segura]

You remember prank calling.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, dude, did I tell you about.

[Tom Segura]

The time that I didn't really know, Right. There's a discovery period of, like, what a prank call is. And so it's usually, like, around, I think, fourth, fifth grade. And so you, like, you hear about this happening, and then you are like, you know, okay, I want to try this. And so, of course, I have a friend come over and we prank call, like, the cutest girl in fifth grade, and it's like some dumb thing. I don't even remember what it is. It's just like, you know, some type of, like, silly, stupid thing, you know, like you left your purse at the mall. I don't know. Some dumb. That we did.

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And just get, like, her kind of react. And then we hang up. And you're, like, hyperventilating, you know, you're like, oh, my God, we did that. I go to school on Monday and her name was Andrea Sparrow. And she just walks up and she was like, you know, you really shouldn't call people and just, like, hang up. And I was like, what? And she's like, yeah, my mom called the phone company, like. And I was like, I didn't know people could do that. And I tried. I think I was just like, we didn't do that. She was like, yes, you did. We checked. It was your phone number. I was like, oh, okay.

[Burt]

Sorry. Sorry.

[Tom Segura]

But we did end up doing it more, like, more proficiently as we got older.

[Bert Kreischer]

The girls were in probably. Georgia was probably in fifth grade. I was in third grade. And I walk into their room and they have a couple friends over, two sisters. And I caught them doing something, and I go, what are you guys doing? And Georgia's like, dad, shut the door. I was like, what is it? She was like, we're doing prank calls. And I was like, really? And they're like, yeah, dad, Ayla's great at them. And we're like, really? It's like, isla, do it. So they just dial a number, and Isla gets on the phone and she goes, hello. You just won a new car. A Mercedes. Hang on. And then she goes, dad, take it from here. Isla, that's not a prank call. You're just calling someone and telling them they want a car, and you just hang up. I was like, you fucking idiots. They thought, that's not a whole prank. The jerky boys.

[Tom Segura]

That was amazing. Yeah, of course. That was like. You're like this.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's the original troll.

[Tom Segura]

It's amazing.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's the original Troll. Being a troll has to be so fucking fun to throw a rock into a fucking. Just. It's like shoot a gun into a fucking crowd and go, I don't care if I hit somebody. Just. That's. That's what a troll does.

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't give a fuck. Molotov cocktail. And I'll walk away from it. Did someone die? It's like those. Those whores in. In Brazil that drug men and they sleep for two days and they could have died. But the goes. I don't care. I don't. I think he lived, you know?

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's got to be so enjoyable. So. But that first. The first troll ever.

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Was the Jerky Boys. And they were brilliant because they would. They would get s. So worked up. I'll come down and get you down there. Slipping fingers like, yo, fucking come to my tire company. People lose.

[Tom Segura]

You ever see whores targeting someone in Vegas?

[Burt]

Like, we.

[Tom Segura]

We were at the. One of the bars at the resort, you know, at the hotel, and we see these two, like, smoking hot chicks, and they're around this guy who is, like, hanging like this, and we're like, oh, they're, like, targeting this guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And then I watch him go to the bathroom, and I follow him into the bathroom, like. And I see that he's completely just. I mean, stand.

[Burt]

And he.

[Tom Segura]

You know, he's at the urinal, and he's just a mess, and, like, like, what's up, man? He can't even, like, muster the words. And then he gets. Leaves the restroom, and we watch them, like, you know, like, kind of like, prop. You're good. You know, like, trying to prop him up and like, let's go, let's go. And we're like, watching them take this guy, and in our minds, we're like, oh, they're gonna. You know, we know that they're gonna rob him. And we think about, like, should we intervene? And we're like, no. You know, this is the way life goes sometimes. He's gonna learn an important lesson tonight. You know, maybe he'll die, but maybe he'll learn something. So we just watched and didn't do anything. And I'm sure he's fine.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey, I'm getting a call from a spam. Should I prank him?

[Burt]

Sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hello? That's going all right.

[Spam Caller]

Same here.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm in the middle. I'm. I'm in the middle of a podcast. Can we cut to the chase?

[Spam Caller]

Yeah. Were you taking any fall estimates for any projects or affairs this year?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, but my buddy Tom Segura is gonna give you his number.

[Spam Caller]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What time? Can I call you back and just ask a couple questions what he needs and then I'll give him a call.

[Bert Kreischer]

Call me. Late night. I'm. I'm a night out. So call me around like 10 o'.

[Spam Caller]

Clock. I can't call you at 10. I'm off at 5.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, what are you doing at. When you get off?

[Spam Caller]

I got something to do. I got plans after.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you in la?

[Spam Caller]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, me too.

[Burt]

Let's meet up.

[Spam Caller]

Does your friend need like a roofing? What does he need?

[Tom Segura]

Just meet up for dinner. Let's, like, can we have dinner?

[Bert Kreischer]

My. Well, my. How about me and my buddy Tom Scurry, he's out in la and let's meet up for dinner and talk about what we got going on.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, let's have dinner.

[Spam Caller]

I cannot do that. I'm just trying to schedule an appointment.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow.

[Tom Segura]

Why can't you have dinner? Why can't you have dinner?

[Bert Kreischer]

He's.

[Tom Segura]

Why can't you have dinner?

[Bert Kreischer]

He hung up on me. He'll never be calling back.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, you. Actually, he was like, get the out of here with this.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm not. I'm going to dinner with you. These guys aren't ready for a commitment.

[Tom Segura]

He was super defensive about having plans, too. Yeah, he's like, I got plans.

[Bert Kreischer]

The I. What are we talking about before? Hey, let's talk about only fans. Do we have some.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah, we talk about whores.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

But only fans. Okay.

[Burt]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do we have any submissions?

[Tom Segura]

Do we have any submissions for people who are going to try to blow up? You're going to. You said you want to manage them.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, I, you know, look, I don't want to. I don't need any of their money. I just want to help blow them up. You know? Like, I want them to. I want them and I want them to be fun. And I don't want to them out, but I want them to. I want to help them create content that I think would be enjoyable for our fans.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, well, here's somebody who said, hey, what's up? We need an only fans with a fat hairy guy. And in parentheses he writes me nothing but funny videos and recreations of videos. Like the girls whose boob slips out in the drift car, but with me instead. Okay, so he doesn't. But he hasn't even started. I thought we were going to just take people who have like, some presence and it's just not okay. Okay, here's one says, good morning, Julia, my Name is Kira. I'm 24. I live in Oregon. I have only fans. I didn't get much traction on there because I don't have a huge social media following. I made most of my money selling pics, vids, panties, socks on other platforms. I've taken a break, but I 100% want to get back into it. I've had a lot of fun. I've been listening to you guys for so many years. Actually got the idea to start initially from a old YMH episode. Good that we're inspiring people. I think we could do some awesome stuff together. Keep them high and tight. Love you guys.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, let's see images. I love her.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, she's. She's like a suicide girl, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, she's baller.

[Burt]

I love her.

[Bert Kreischer]

Keep her in the running. What's her name? Julia.

[Tom Segura]

In the running, I said Kira. Kira.

[Bert Kreischer]

Kira.

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right.

[Tom Segura]

That's a really good one, Kira. We're definitely.

[Bert Kreischer]

We're definitely interested. Let me see another shot of the front again. I like that tattoo on her leg. Under boob. Under boob always works well on under. Only fans.

[Tom Segura]

Yes. Yeah, this is really cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right, all right.

[Tom Segura]

Very good.

[Burt]

We.

[Tom Segura]

We'll put a star next to that one. Here's somebody else, right? Chrissy D and Stavi. OG Bears for life. Now that I got that off my chest. 34 triple D. By the way, I'd love to throw my name in the pimp hat for a chance to be in your stable of onlyfans, bitches. I'm a milf. A teacher. Yes. And a lonely wife.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

All true and all top search categories on pornhub. I'm not a little skinny model bitch, but I'm real and I've seen some shit. I'm new to only fans, but I have developed a small but dedicated following on Twitter saying X is retarded. I'm a fan of all things. Tom and Bert would greatly appreciate your consideration. That sounded gay. Poor osos all around. April Michelle. Oh, she has her link too.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, wow. Whoa, whoa. I'm into.

[Tom Segura]

This is really on brand for us.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm into this. Wait, wait, do we click her only fans?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, there's a link right there.

[Bert Kreischer]

April Michelle.

[Burt]

All right.

[Tom Segura]

Lonely amateur housewife looking for fun and trying something new. Five two, 38, triple D, real, no filters or Photoshop. I mean, this is right up your alley.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is right up my alley.

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is exactly what I'm talking about.

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

This is like a real person. All the kind of checks, all the boxes I think you. You were looking for.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's okay for us to subscribe to her.

[Tom Segura]

You mean for the show's purposes?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, for us to. And give me a credit card and I'll put it on my phone and whatever.

[Burt]

Okay. Okay. All right, hang on.

[Tom Segura]

Well, that's another good one.

[Bert Kreischer]

What? What?

[Tom Segura]

No, no, I'm saying this is another.

[Bert Kreischer]

There's another great one. I love she's a milf. I love that she's a MILF anymore.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, boy.

[Burt]

Okay. Hey, hey.

[Bert Kreischer]

Keep going. Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Geez.

[Burt]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, so this is Chanel. Oh, no message. No message. Just this photo. I like the tan lines.

[Burt]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

That's cool. She's got cool tan lines, and she's got. Looks like about $600. Oh, wow. Here's a couple.

[Bert Kreischer]

Nice. Keep scrolling. Don't stop scrolling.

[Tom Segura]

Hold on, hold on. Huge fans here. My husband and I just watched your latest episode about the onlyfans submissions. We are the perfect fit. We literally just made an of account last week and then didn't do anything with it because we know. We don't know what the we're doing. You guys should totally pimp us out. We're a sexy couple wiling to do pretty much whatever you want on camera. Oh, my God. I thought we were gonna see something.

[Bert Kreischer]

I thought we were gonna see something else, too. I love her tattoos.

[Tom Segura]

Those are actually super rad.

[Burt]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, that's another good option, man. A nice couple doing it. I mean, this is love, and this is.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is. I like the idea of a couple. It's kind of.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, the couple's great. That's great.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because you know what it does? It takes us being pimps out of it.

[Tom Segura]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

We can talk to the group. Like. Like, do you remember those two girls that had the vibrators in their vaginas that we hung out with that night in Chicago?

[Tom Segura]

We hung out with or that were at the bar.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. You know what I mean?

[Burt]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yes. Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's great.

[Tom Segura]

A couple of patrons that were.

[Bert Kreischer]

They were, like, so much fun with this.

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

By the way.

[Burt]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's a matter of time before Bad Friends has an only fans account girl. Right, right. They might be drunk as an only fans account girl.

[Tom Segura]

Sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

Imagine the legion of skanks Only fans girl.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, there's. There's room for everybody, man, that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Everyone can have one. Joe Rogan can have one. Keep going.

[Tom Segura]

Nah, I don't think that'll happen. Go ahead. There's more. Jesus. Okay.

[Burt]

Hey.

[Tom Segura]

Hey, Bert and Tom. Burt, Your idea to expand Your media empire into of creator, management, and promotion is a brilliant idea. Here's my elevator pitch. My fiance Chelsea wants to start of. She's 29. I figured we'd have a shot. Didn't think you would want young girls. We need help with the management and promotion. You'll be able to fit in at the ground floor starting her account from scratch, and see what you and Two Bears OnlyFans management can really do from day one. You can even pick her screen name. You can have control of price, structure, and content. Here are some picks for you to consider her as the future two Bears of model. See you guys or love you guys, super fans. Okay, let's. Jesus Christ.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's. Whoa. That's got to be Photoshopped. There's no one's that pretty, bro. Bro.

[Tom Segura]

I think we got our white whale.

[Bert Kreischer]

Holy.

[Burt]

Yeah. I mean, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Holy.

[Burt]

Oh, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

This dude is straight up in the pimp game, dude. It's awesome. Yeah, she's a. I mean, that's a great. This is like starting a brand. This is somebody who's like, I'm in. Tell me what to do. Let's do it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Jesus. My God.

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Well, I mean, she's got the look, man. You know, she's.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, she looks like. When you say only fans, that's what you think it would look like?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, she looks great. She looks great. She's definitely ready to get started. How would you like to. What would your first kind of recommendation be? We got to pick the screen name.

[Bert Kreischer]

We got to pick screen name.

[Tom Segura]

And then. Hold on a second. Like, you're seeing somebody pose, like. Because you have to pick, like, what's the path you're going for? Are you going for, like. Because there's some people that are so successful in this medium where, like, their thing is just like, I'm a beautiful woman. Here's me in, like, provocative photos. You know, sometimes it's a thong, sometimes laying by the. Whatever, tanning by the pool. And then there's, like, you know, some nudes, right? And then they. They get. That's it. Like, they just do that. And then there's, like, moving into, like, harder core content. Are you pitching a certain. Like, do you have a path in your mind for, like, which way to go on this?

[Bert Kreischer]

I think less is more and fun is our mandate. Meaning, like, when we met those two girls with the vibrators and the vaginas, we. And we hung out with them all night in Chicago. Me and you. Just me and you and her.

[Burt]

And her. Yeah. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

But what was fun for us about it was the story of the energy. Right?

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so that's the treat. That's the treat. So like if we said like, yo, we like. I'm trying to think. My original pitch was, you know, hey, can you recreate the nip slip video or can you down blouse strangers or like, I love the reaction video. I love the getting in public and, you know, I don't need to smell her socks. Although people can easily ask to smell her socks. They have a perversion and that's their thing they're into. Then our fans can communicate with her and know that she's legit. Like she's one of ours.

[Burt]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

No, it's a great. I think the first thing you'd have to do is put probably. You probably have to have a meeting, honestly, a hundred percent where you go, you know, what are your goals and how do you see yourself doing this? Because if you're like, I want it to be fun like this, and they're like, I just want to do blowbangs, then, you know, you gotta find common ground.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, we build to like, you know, a thousand person gang bang. But like you build to that, you don't start there.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I don't think if that's day one, it's. Yeah, there's nowhere to go.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, for sure. But I mean, those.

[Tom Segura]

Very exciting.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are those our force? Should we. I say we extend it for a week, knowing that what we've got, and then we make a decision next week.

[Tom Segura]

You got to pick one, right? You're going to pick one.

[Bert Kreischer]

One.

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I think that we should, we should, we should extend it for a week. And then we, we should do conference calls with them to make sure that they're real people.

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, cool. It's a good idea.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think it's a great idea. And I think, I think as we build our harem, we add different flavors. We go, all right, we're looking for an only fans Irish chick.

[Tom Segura]

Irish, huh?

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

That's the flavor you're looking for.

[Bert Kreischer]

She goes, I'm having a cracking time. Cracking. I'm going to. I'm going to jack off your we winker.

[Tom Segura]

You need an island girl.

[Bert Kreischer]

An island girl. Yeah, yeah.

[Burt]

You know what I mean?

[Tom Segura]

Like Barbados or like Dominican Republic, something.

[Bert Kreischer]

Give me them coconuts, boy. Yeah, squirt that milk all over them, boy.

[Tom Segura]

What if you can totally pivot into like, this is like your next really big thing.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, I just found out this is what Jack Doherty does.

[Tom Segura]

He does this.

[Bert Kreischer]

I Think he manages only fans. Girls really gives them. I think. I don't really understand. I don't understand the whole. I'm not. I don't understand streaming entirely.

[Burt]

Like the.

[Bert Kreischer]

The when you just turn on a.

[Tom Segura]

Stream, what's your percentage gonna be? What are you pitching?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know, like, maybe get 5%. That's very generous for our time. I mean, it's, you know.

[Tom Segura]

But you're managing and we should promoting it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, we should. Maybe a 50. I don't know.

[Tom Segura]

That's quite a jump. You went from 5 to 50.

[Bert Kreischer]

10%. 10% is what an agent charges, right?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's true.

[Burt]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You can figure it out. You'll figure it out.

[Bert Kreischer]

We should leave it up for our fans to vote who their only fans girl is going to be.

[Tom Segura]

That's a good idea.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's. We. We leave it up for the fans. So we'll do a post after next week. We'll get all our contestants on a carousel.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

And we'll post it on Instagram and say, who would you like to promote as your only fans girl?

[Burt]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

It's going to be a tough race, I think.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think so too. I'm really excited about it. I'm really excited for this. And now it's like, I don't know. I'm broken in that sense. I was saying this to someone the other day. I can't believe not everyone has an only fans. Like, if I had tits, I would have an only fans.

[Tom Segura]

Just to show your tits?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I just show them all the time.

[Tom Segura]

Would you do. Really? Would you do nude stuff? Well, yeah. You would?

[Bert Kreischer]

I do nude stuff now.

[Tom Segura]

I saw Leanne's stories and it was you nude in that I walk around.

[Bert Kreischer]

Naked ever since the girls left. I'm naked all day long.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm naked from the second I wake up. I walk out to my backyard, turn on my sauna, walk in naked. Naked. Make coffee naked. Take my meds naked. I keep my clothes, my workout clothes in the gym. So I walk all around naked everywhere.

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, that's me.

[Burt]

Yep.

[Bert Kreischer]

She could have been in a bigger heart.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, she could have.

[Bert Kreischer]

And she was just trying. She was taking the pictures to send to Isla because it's Isla's medication. She was like, this is your medication. And she took it. And then she. She was like, God damn it. And turned around and in her turning around to take it again. I walked over to the coffee maker.

[Tom Segura]

So now Isla gets to see her dad's dick and balls and his.

[Bert Kreischer]

Isla gave A call immediately. Don't share that stuff, Mom. It's gross.

[Burt]

Really?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah.

[Burt]

Fun.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, here we go. I wrote questions for you already. Okay.

[Burt]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

God damn it. I just lost them.

[Burt]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. You ready?

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

First question.

[Burt]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Have you ever heard an Asian person with a speech impediment?

[Tom Segura]

Man, that's a good one. I feel like my answer is yes, but I'm. I'm, like, trying to specifically think of someone.

[Burt]

You know what I mean?

[Tom Segura]

Like, I feel like I have.

[Bert Kreischer]

I've never heard an Asian guy with a lisp.

[Tom Segura]

With a lisp?

[Burt]

Hmm.

[Tom Segura]

Have you heard? Yeah, I've heard every other race for sure. With lisps.

[Bert Kreischer]

I've heard. I've heard. I've seen recently an uptick in speech impediments.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Like, mostly, like the boys that are Georgia and Isla's age and the boys that are. I meet them at college or whatever. I've noticed there's more speech impediments than when I was a kid and I'm wondering.

[Tom Segura]

Speech impediment.

[Bert Kreischer]

I still do have one.

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I went to. I went to a speech pathologist. Or is that what they're called?

[Tom Segura]

Speech therapist or something?

[Bert Kreischer]

Therapist. I had to go speech therapy.

[Tom Segura]

I did, too. I did, too.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. But why. But why did they stop doing that?

[Tom Segura]

I don't know that they stopped.

[Bert Kreischer]

But do you notice? Pay attention. Do you notice? Like, speech impediments are way more prevalent.

[Tom Segura]

I can't say that I've. But now that you've said it, maybe I'll pick up on it more. But no, I can't say that I was. It was a. A thing that I was picking up on.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, when I was a kid growing up, there was one kid with a lisp. 1.

[Tom Segura]

And now you're like, they're everywhere.

[Bert Kreischer]

They're everywhere. I know, I know, I know.

[Tom Segura]

You feel like it's like immigrants.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And it's by. By the way, as someone who has. Has and still has a speech impediment.

[Tom Segura]

What'S your speech impediment?

[Bert Kreischer]

If I. When I say, like, if I. You can see it. If I say the word Jillian, my tongue comes out. Chew. Not Jew. But it does it when I do Jew, too.

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

When I say the N word, you can hear it. It's.

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Give it to us.

[Bert Kreischer]

A lot of racial slurs. It comes out. It was.

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I wonder if there was ever a. I wonder if there.

[Tom Segura]

I still slip all the time with mine.

[Bert Kreischer]

All the time. I wish. Hang on. I wish I could say the N word so bad right now. Cause I have the funniest fucking joke. I have the funniest fucking joke. No, tell the joke. No. No, no, no. Because do you think I want to do the N word with the speech impediment and go. It would have been funny if in the 50s, there was this really hateful Klansman that he couldn't like, he would say, vinegar. Vinegar. Like porky pit. No. Who was the one that talked like this? And he just talked like this.

[Tom Segura]

Is that Elmer Fudd?

[Bert Kreischer]

Is it Elmer Fudd?

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Elmer Fudd. So Elmer Fudd saying the N word would be hilarious. Yeah, you should do that, you rascally wabbit.

[Tom Segura]

Do it on stage, man.

[Burt]

That.

[Tom Segura]

That would kill. That will kill.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, wait, no.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Tom Segura]

And it's not you saying it's Elmer Fudd. You get. You have a total out.

[Bert Kreischer]

Whose joke is that? He doesn't even say the word vinegar because it sounds too much like it. Is it Daniel? Dan Costa. Dan. That's a great joke.

[Tom Segura]

Mike Costa.

[Bert Kreischer]

Mike Costa. Mike Costa. I grew up with Daniel Costa. I grew up with Daniel Costa. He's a writer now in New York. Mike Costa has a great joke. He goes, I don't even say the word vinegar.

[Tom Segura]

That's too similar.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, that's a good joke. But if Elmer Fudd tried to say the N word.

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I can't believe you're not doing that. This should be the opener of your next hour, Austin.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yell it like Elmer Fudd. You're good impressions.

[Tom Segura]

No, no one's doing it. All right. Let's talk gambling, bro. So last weekend was the first NFL weekend, and fucking, I don't understand how they. Week one, how do they nail the spread so perfectly in these things?

[Bert Kreischer]

It's, like, so brilliant.

[Tom Segura]

How the fuck do you do this? So I, yeah, I lost the Bengals one. They won the game, but they won by one. So I lost that bet, even though I did. I also, just for giggles, took a hundred on yours. On the Bucks, won that one. What else did I take? I took the fucking Broncos where the spread was eight and a half, and they won by eight. So I'm like, cool. Lost that.

[Bert Kreischer]

How are they so good? How are they so good?

[Tom Segura]

I took the Steelers. They won by two. The spread was three. I also took the Commanders, and I won on that decent amount, so ended up down for the weekend. But I won a couple bets and. Yeah, but my fucking bangles didn't cover the.

[Bert Kreischer]

I, I. I don't get to place my bet until next week. And that's what I'm.

[Tom Segura]

But did you take the. I did you bet last weekend?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no. I can't. I. I can't do it until I'm in Chicago. Because you were on the road. I wasn't on the road. I. I couldn't do it until I was in Chicago, so. In Chicago. I will bet a thousand dollars in Chicago on every Bucks game until the end of the year. Damn. But. But the Bucks looked good. They did, dude.

[Burt]

They did.

[Bert Kreischer]

Baker Mayfield's got to. He's got to shake and bake.

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love it. I love it. That new wide receiver they have.

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Lego my ego or something.

[Tom Segura]

Lego my ego.

[Bert Kreischer]

I forget. It's Igu E. What? It's Eggo ego. What is that? Egbuca. Egbuca.

[Tom Segura]

Emeka.

[Burt]

Egbuca.

[Bert Kreischer]

Emeka Egbuca.

[Tom Segura]

Where's he from or his parents from? It's got to be. That sounds like an African name, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Tacoma, Washington.

[Tom Segura]

Right, but that's not a Tacoma name.

[Burt]

Right?

[Bert Kreischer]

He was on the Ducks.

[Burt]

Egbuka.

[Tom Segura]

That sounds like. What is that, Nigerian or something?

[Bert Kreischer]

It's gotta be Nigerian, Christian, Nigerian. Dude, Nigerians are the baddest out there.

[Tom Segura]

His grandfather was mayor of dupont.

[Burt]

Oh, wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

His grandfather was the mayor of dupont, Washington.

[Tom Segura]

Looks like it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, oh, let me. Let me guess. You ready? Yeah, I'm going to guess, and I'm going to guess Ron Frederick is his mom's dad.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I think you're right on that. Guest for sure.

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I think you nailed it.

[Bert Kreischer]

And she's white. I'm guessing because Igbuka is Nigerian. Nigerian dudes are pretty dark and he's light skinned, so I bet his mom Frederick is white. Click on. Click on his grandfather. His maternal grandfather. Go back to his whatchamacallit.

[Burt]

Okay, okay. All right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Go to Ron Frederick.

[Tom Segura]

Did he have his. He had a wiki.

[Bert Kreischer]

Go to Ron. Go to.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, but he doesn't have one.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, oh, you can find the.

[Tom Segura]

You can Google it. Yeah, sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

Google. Yeah, there you go.

[Burt]

All right.

[Bert Kreischer]

In 2020, he was.

[Tom Segura]

Meet the mayor. It's right there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Meet the mayor. Very white. Yeah, like old school white. Like, speech impediment white.

[Tom Segura]

Right. He's the, like. Wait, that's who you're dating?

[Burt]

Wait, right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dupont, Washington. Egbuca. Egbuca. By the way, I'm sorry. Mayor's like, I'm not racist. God damn. I just look like one.

[Tom Segura]

That's probably a thing for sure. Yeah, he's. There he is. There's his Nigerian dad.

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, wait, that's not. Oh, he's adopted.

[Burt]

What?

[Bert Kreischer]

He's got to be adopted. That. No one's black in that picture.

[Tom Segura]

How about the guy right next to him, like, with his arm around him?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, that's one of the Buccaneers.

[Tom Segura]

That's his dad, bro.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, that's his dad. Oh, no, he's not adopted. Wait, I'm so fucking confused.

[Tom Segura]

That's Henry Igbuka. Says right there. What are you confused by?

[Bert Kreischer]

Who's all. Who are the fucking blindsides he's with on over here.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, that's probably, you know.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, hold on. Meet the fucking family. Click it, let's see it.

[Burt]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is he a blindside?

[Tom Segura]

Is he a blindside?

[Burt]

All right, there you go.

[Tom Segura]

He's okay. Those are his siblings. Oh, that's a stepdad.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, okay.

[Tom Segura]

That's who that is.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, so that is his mom.

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And his siblings.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, how badass is it to be like, just a regular old white kid and your fucking stepbrother is him?

[Tom Segura]

I know.

[Bert Kreischer]

Everywhere.

[Tom Segura]

It would fill me with so much confidence.

[Bert Kreischer]

I would fill me with so much confidence.

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I would walk into school, be like you. You guys meet my brother, and that would just boost me up so much. You're definitely right about that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God.

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

That's awesome. It'd be so cool, even today to have a half black stepbrother. I would take him. If you guys want to submit emails for becoming my half black stepbrother, I would fucking.

[Bert Kreischer]

What would someone get with being your stepbrother? Take us to all your shows.

[Tom Segura]

Well, yeah, but also, like, let's just hang out, man. Just wanna just. Let's just hang out.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey, you know what we should do? We should adopt. We should adopt kids.

[Tom Segura]

How old?

[Bert Kreischer]

Like. Like high school.

[Burt]

Oh.

[Bert Kreischer]

Be like big brother kids. Big brother from. And then. And then we'll pay for their college.

[Tom Segura]

Jesus. Just like that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like. Okay, let's do children.

[Tom Segura]

Do you remember. Do you remember that you basically signed an nil player at the pregame party?

[Bert Kreischer]

I do. He just texted me. I forgot.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, he did?

[Burt]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, we signed an nil player. His.

[Tom Segura]

Well, you should probably, like, follow up with him, though.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's a golfer. He's really good. Yeah, his name is. But we'll get his name for you guys soon.

[Burt]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

But I mean, will you reach out?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

Or have someone reach out.

[Bert Kreischer]

Johnny Manziel just texted me. He's in la.

[Burt]

Great.

[Bert Kreischer]

What day were we in? What day were we in Tallahassee? What date?

[Tom Segura]

What's the date?

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you remember the date?

[Burt]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

One second.

[Burt]

It was.

[Tom Segura]

It was the 30th. It was August 30th. That's when we were there.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right, I got this kid's name. Nope, that's not him. Coach Norville. Okay, that's not him. Hold on, hold on. I got him, Tommy. I got him. I got him. That's not him. Oh, Jesus Christ. What a game. That's not him. Nice video. That's not him. All right, we're gonna. We're gonna find out this.

[Tom Segura]

We'll find him. Just reach out to Patrick McCann.

[Bert Kreischer]

Patrick McCann. Welcome to the Two Bears Nil. You're a golfer. You let us know what you need. Patrick McCann. And I'm gonna tell you, buddy.

[Tom Segura]

There he is.

[Bert Kreischer]

Get ready. For only fans. That's how we're really gonna splash you in.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know if that's necessarily what he is.

[Bert Kreischer]

There are. Dude, there's gonna be a ton of people attracted to him.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, but we're offering something different also. Patrick.

[Bert Kreischer]

Patrick. We're offering something different. Patrick McCann.

[Tom Segura]

We don't have to.

[Burt]

You don't have to be nude.

[Bert Kreischer]

Although I wouldn't mind you to reshoot the. I could re. Me and him are going to recreate. Who's the kid from High School Musical? Zach Bramf. No, Zach. Zac Frump. Zac Efron. Zac Efron. Have you seen his shirtless golf video he posted?

[Burt]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, Patrick and I are recreating it.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, look at this.

[Bert Kreischer]

Jerk material. Jack off all over this. Look at Zach go to his Instagram. I would jack off. I'm not even gay. And Zac Efron golfing gets my dick hard. Click on the video. Just show the video. It's so good. Look at this. Look at this.

[Tom Segura]

Tom.

[Bert Kreischer]

Not a bad swing either. Oh, he doesn't read with those. Those are for fucking looks. Look at these arms, these chests. Oh, look at them. Great swings, but the glasses. This is going to be me and Patrick McCann shot for shot. Except we're going to sink the putt.

[Tom Segura]

Nice.

[Bert Kreischer]

Nice.

[Tom Segura]

He's yoked tan. Bert's jerking off to it. It's awesome.

[Bert Kreischer]

Zac Efron, let us ever know if you want us to be. You want to be a guest Bear, we'll fly to you.

[Burt]

Okay. All right, cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love you.

[Tom Segura]

I love you too. This was fun.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was a great episode. Thank you. And there's so much I love. I love what you. The thing. They don't know what has happened yet, but I love that you're doing it.

[Burt]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right, I'm gonna go watch porn.

[Burt]

Okay?

[Tom Segura]

Have fun with that.

[Burt]

All right?

[Bert Kreischer]

I love you. Keep listening to Fly Like Us and you'd be all right, man. Burton, Tom. Tom and Burt. One goes topless while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Burts the machine. There's not a chance in hell that.

[Burt]

They'Ll keep it clean.

[Bert Kreischer]

Here's what we call two bears, one cave.