Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Summary

Detailed Summary of "Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes" Episode of "2 Bears, 1 Cave"

Podcast Information:

• Title: 2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
• Hosts: Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
• Episode: Bert Choke Slammed Two Dudes | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
• Release Date: April 14, 2025
• Description: Weekly, comedian best friends Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer get together in the bear cave at YMH Studios to do what bears do: make each other laugh.

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1. Return to the Cave

After a series of promotional segments for various sponsors, Tom and Bert rejoin the conversation, transitioning back to their typical humorous banter and storytelling.

---

2. Bert’s Unexpected WWE Experience

Bert narrates his wild and unplanned experience in the WWE ring, detailing his interactions with professional wrestlers and the chaos that ensued.

• Bert Shares His Story:
  • [00:56] Bert Kreischer: "I feel good."
  • [23:48] Bert Kreischer: "I choke slammed him into the water. He goes, do me WWE style. I was like, do me WWE style."

Bert describes how he unintentionally found himself in the middle of a wrestling promo with CM Punk. Lacking training, he improvises, leading to a comedic and memorable choke slam moment.

• Tom Reacts:
  • [26:06] Tom Segura: "Yeah. I wish you would have hit him with your belt and he'd be like..."

This segment highlights Bert's spontaneous nature and the unpredictable humor that defines their dynamic.

---

3. Plans to Visit a Gay Bar and Embracing Bear Culture

The hosts discuss their upcoming plans to attend a gay bear bar, reflecting on the nuances of gay subcultures and their excitement about the experience.

• Bert’s Enthusiasm:
  • [14:12] Bert Kreischer: "I've got our outfits."
  • [16:43] Bert Kreischer: "I can't have them dressed up like children."

They humorously strategize their outfits and anticipate the interactions they might have, emphasizing their open-mindedness and love for exploring different communities.

• Tom’s Input:
  • [17:58] Tom Segura: "Gay Asian bears. We must allow ourselves to..."

The conversation evolves into a playful exploration of different bear types and personal preferences, showcasing their ability to engage in lighthearted yet meaningful discussions.

---

4. Discussion on Attractive Accents

Tom and Bert delve into a spirited debate about which accents they find most attractive, ranking their favorites and sharing amusing anecdotes related to each.

• Bert’s Rankings:

  • [56:19] Bert Kreischer: "Number one is British. Number two, French. Number three, Italian."

• Tom’s Agreement:

  • [56:43] Tom Segura: "Five, Spanish."

The segment is filled with humorous commentary on stereotypes and personal tastes, highlighting their camaraderie and ability to find humor in everyday topics.

---

5. Bert’s Memorable Night with a Geisha in Japan

Bert recounts a vivid and entertaining night spent with a geisha in Kyoto, blending cultural observations with his trademark humor.

• Bert’s Experience:
  • [48:07] Bert Kreischer: "She served me all night. She sat in my room while I slept."
  • [48:18] Tom Segura: "Yeah. He's playing a game."

Bert’s storytelling paints a comedic picture of cultural misunderstandings and unexpected interactions, offering listeners a glimpse into his adventurous spirit.

---

6. Stand-Up Comedy and Future Touring Plans

The conversation shifts to their stand-up careers, discussing upcoming tours, special performances, and their passion for live comedy.

• Bert’s Excitement:

  • [75:09] Bert Kreischer: "I just started doing stand up again, and it feels fucking great."

• Tom’s Tour Insights:

  • [73:48] Tom Segura: "I start back up August 28th. So I only have one gig in June."

They share insights into their professional lives, reflecting on the challenges and rewards of stand-up comedy while reaffirming their commitment to making audiences laugh.

---

7. Reflections on Podcasts vs. Stand-Up

Tom and Bert discuss the balance between maintaining their podcasts and focusing on stand-up, touching on industry opinions and personal preferences.

• Bert’s Thoughts:

  • [76:46] Bert Kreischer: "We do have to do it because some guy might see all of them."

• Tom’s Agreement:

  • [77:14] Tom Segura: "I don't disagree with them."

They reflect on feedback from peers about the role of podcasts in a comedian’s career, considering the value of both mediums in connecting with audiences.

---

8. Promoting Upcoming Stand-Up Specials and Tours

Concluding the episode, Tom and Bert promote their upcoming stand-up specials and tours, encouraging listeners to attend and support their work.

• Bert’s Promotion:

  • [77:43] Bert Kreischer: "Bad thoughts is coming on May 13th."

• Tom’s Tour Dates:

  • [78:07] Tom Segura: "Permission to party. Permission to party. I have September 18th."

They provide listeners with information on where to catch them live, emphasizing their enthusiasm and dedication to their craft.

---

Notable Quotes:

• Bert on WWE Experience:

  • [26:20] Bert Kreischer: "I choke slammed him into the water."

• Tom on Crowd at MSG:

  • [72:12] Tom Segura: "They were telling you, like, we are responding in a way that's special."

• Bert on Accents:

  • [56:19] Bert Kreischer: "Number one is British. Number two, French. Number three, Italian."

---

Insights and Conclusions:

Throughout the episode, Tom and Bert exhibit their quintessential comedic chemistry, seamlessly blending personal anecdotes with humorous observations on diverse topics such as WWE experiences, gay bear culture, and the allure of different accents. Bert’s spontaneous foray into professional wrestling offers a standout moment of unexpected hilarity, while their discussions about attending a gay bar reveal their openness and willingness to engage with new communities. The playful debate on attractive accents showcases their ability to find humor in everyday preferences, and Bert’s recounting of his night with a geisha adds a unique and entertaining dimension to the conversation. As they reflect on their stand-up careers and the balance between podcasts and live performances, the duo underscores the importance of passion and dedication in their comedic pursuits. Concluding with promotions for their upcoming specials and tours, Tom and Bert reaffirm their commitment to entertaining and connecting with their audience, embodying the spirited and unfiltered essence of "2 Bears, 1 Cave."

---

This structured summary captures the essence of the episode, highlighting key discussions, personal stories, and the dynamic interplay between Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer. It provides a comprehensive overview for those who haven't listened, ensuring engagement and clarity.

Transcript

[Bert Kreischer]

My new special Lucky is streaming right now on Netflix. Check it out.

[Tom Segura]

The 2 bears 5k is less than a month away. You need to register right [e-mail] and listen, every level of fitness is welcome. We have people who are basically professional runners that go. And then us.

[Bert Kreischer]

We have every level of celebrity too.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

We've got the Bucks showing up. We've got the Bucks cheerleaders. We've got Jelly roll.

[Tom Segura]

Travis Barker's going to come out.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think Travis Barker is going to come out. I think Jason Kelce is going to come out. It's going to be a blast. And we party on the field.

[Tom Segura]

And we look, we got music there. We got cold plunges. We got great food. We got a bunch of porosos. It is a party. The last time was amazing. This time it's going to be a whole other level. 2bears5k.com Register now.

[Bert Kreischer]

100%.

[Tom Segura]

Cheers. And we are back and we're together. And you're out of the hospital and you're here.

[Bert Kreischer]

I feel good.

[Tom Segura]

You look good.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's been a rough.

[Tom Segura]

You have a star on your face.

[Bert Kreischer]

I have a star on my face. I have a pimple. And this draws out the. I think it's a ingrown hair.

[Tom Segura]

Is it designed for that or is it just.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, you can get ones that are circles but then you look kind of weird.

[Tom Segura]

But is it for that?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, it's for that.

[Bert Kreischer]

It draws out the pimple.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so I'd rather have a star on my face and let everyone see it than put like a. I was going to put a band aid over it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

But it's crazy.

[Tom Segura]

Everyone's like, what happened here?

[Bert Kreischer]

This pimple has two heads on it.

[Tom Segura]

Two heads.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's two heads. It looks like Marky Mark's nipples. You know he had a third nipple. No. Yeah, Mark. Mark Wahlberg has a third nipple.

[Tom Segura]

I didn't.

[Bert Kreischer]

By the way. So does one of the guys in WWE has a third nipple. I saw that too.

[Tom Segura]

How long has that been a two headed dildo on your face?

[Bert Kreischer]

It woke up. I got this. If you go back like a month ago, it was there, but it never got ahead. And then it went away. But I could always feel a lump. And then it started coming back.

[Tom Segura]

It's a hair.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's a hair in there. So I got to get Dr. Pimple proper on it. Yeah. Mark Wahlberg has a third nipple.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Do you ever see those girls with two vaginas? Type in girl with two vaginas and what's the draw with. I mean, I'm not. No shade given to Bonnie. To Bonnie, the woman that's fucking everyone.

[Tom Segura]

Bonnie Blue.

[Bert Kreischer]

Bonnie Blue. No shade. But, like, that's crazy that. That's, like a big thing that people are trying to outdo each other. It's like when comics were seeing who could go longest on stage. Yeah, it's, like, wild. And they. I think they. She said they each get, like. They each get, like, 45 seconds.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, 45. I thought they get, like a souvenir.

[Bert Kreischer]

I fucked Bonnie Blue and all I got was his hat. Yeah, she was born with two vaginas.

[Tom Segura]

Who? This other person?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, there's. I've been hearing a lot about vaginas. She's got only fans.

[Tom Segura]

That's cool. That's what you should do. If you have two pussies, you should show them.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I'd have two only fans. One for one pussy and one for the other.

[Tom Segura]

You think you could fuck that?

[Bert Kreischer]

And the answer is yes.

[Tom Segura]

Well, she's got a vagina.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

But she. Everywhere else looks male.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hold on.

[Tom Segura]

Who's the. What's the. The porn star's name? Buck Angel. You think you could Buck Angel? Oh, right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Kind of looks like Jason Ellis, so.

[Tom Segura]

You know what I mean?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God. There's a vagina there. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. So he was a biological female 100.

[Bert Kreischer]

I could.

[Tom Segura]

It wouldn't. It would be cool for you to look in the face. Like, look at his face.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think we do a doggy style.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, it's still, like, a pretty masculine back.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it's a pretty. Yeah. I don't know. I probably could be fine that.

[Tom Segura]

Really? I mean, his face is so masculine.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think it's kind of cool.

[Tom Segura]

It is cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can I tell you what's crazy?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, that's a crazy scene there.

[Bert Kreischer]

What, with the three?

[Tom Segura]

The three? Yeah, you got. You got hit.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God. Wait, those are dicks.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, those are cocks. Oh, wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. That's a porn I want to see. Will you. Will you put me a link to that? By the way? I just found out how to watch porn in Texas. Look at those. Those are big dicks.

[Tom Segura]

And those. Look at their faces. They're all fucking with you. They're all just tricky. Like, you walked into a bar. Who do you. Who do you walk away with? You'd be like, oh, I like the blonde. Just like, oh, shit. All right. I guess I'm.

[Bert Kreischer]

I remember someone telling me, like, they liked watching trans porn.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because they were like, yeah, it's dude, it's like, tits and tits and a dick. You want the dick there?

[Tom Segura]

Anyway, wait, is this a comedian?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it was a comedian.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I know the comedian.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think we know the same guy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, the comedian who was like, hey, do you like that? And I was like, oh, it's not. I'm not into it. He's like, it's hot, though.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hot though. I know we're talking about the same person.

[Tom Segura]

And I go, well, I mean, to you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And he. And then he would send me a link, and I could see the description, the link. And he goes, did you watch it? I go, no, because I'm not into that. And he was like, just watch it. Like, he was trying to, you know, it's great. Convince me that I'm turned on by it.

[Bert Kreischer]

So today, Leanne and I are staying at the hotel, and she wanted to have sex last night, and I was too drunk. I was like, no, I'm going to sleep. And then this morning, I thought we'd have sex, and she was already getting ready to go to the gym. And I was like, so what? Am I just going to jerk off? She was like. She was like, yeah, jerk off. Get it out of your system and jerk off so we can hang out today. So I go to pornhub, and fucking pornhub in half of this country is like, yeah, hey, listen, I need to see a picture of your license. Never will I give you a picture of my life. I'm not gonna let you know what I'm watching on pornhub. That is a sucker's play.

[Tom Segura]

I know.

[Bert Kreischer]

So today I'm like, dude, I hate that I can never look at porn when I'm in Texas.

[Tom Segura]

But you can. I got.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I was gonna say different sites don't have the same thing, though.

[Tom Segura]

I know, but should we. I feel like we shouldn't promote that so it doesn't get on someone's radar and then they actually make a Like. Because I could give you another site. I don't even want to say it because I don't want somebody to watch and, like, let a lawmaker know that they should prevent that. But there's. Yeah, there's a couple.

[Bert Kreischer]

But it's so funny. I'm so used to the interface on pornhub. And pornhub kind of knows my algorithm.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So it suggests things that it knows I'm into. I don't have account. It just knows you've been to this site. I can go to old links, and I'll go, oh, yeah, you like, it.

[Tom Segura]

It's the old cookies.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it's the old cookies.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

That I go to. I go to this new one and just type it in. I thought this was hysterical. Okay, this. It's called. Okay, and then I didn't. It's really kind of complicated. It looks like a high school senior made it. Like, it doesn't look like it doesn't have the. Oh, wow.

[Tom Segura]

What?

[Bert Kreischer]

No way. They already got it.

[Tom Segura]

They got it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Jesus. There you go. No, no, that's not it.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, that's.

[Bert Kreischer]

Maybe that's it. Anyway, I went to the categories because I was like. I was like. I don't really know what. Yeah, I think that's it. I think those are the exact videos, actually. That's it. I went to the categories. Go to categories. Okay, go to categories. And. Okay, I want you to. This is what made me laugh. So. They are so specific. Sigh. Big ass, big cock, big dick, big tits, D. Black, blondes, blowjobs, brunettes. Cam porn. It goes all the way and then it just. And then one just goes gay. Just one. Gay?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, are you gay? Okay, you like this? Like, it's so specific for heterosexuals. Then it just goes gay.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, just click gay. Cause I was like, gay. Oh, yeah, that is gay.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, that is pretty gay.

[Bert Kreischer]

That guy's young.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God. They're all young. They're all. Dude, have you seen the guy online who's like. He's like a good looking kid. I think he lives in South Florida.

[Tom Segura]

We're good on this. Thank you.

[Bert Kreischer]

They're also young. They're also young.

[Tom Segura]

Do you say the same thing when you watch straight porn?

[Bert Kreischer]

Look at old. I look at old ones.

[Tom Segura]

You look at old ones?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Milf. Stepmother is like my favorite.

[Tom Segura]

That's your favorite category?

[Bert Kreischer]

Stepmother? Yeah, stepmother or milf. Or. Or I go to, like, someone I've discovered, like, I found. And I'll go to her and find her stuff.

[Tom Segura]

That's cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. But there's. There's this dude online I have asked. I wonder if any of you guys have seen this. He's a young, good looking kid and he's like, yo, what's up? I just got my back blown out by my boy and this other dude comes up and they're like kind of kissing and then. And so I followed him and then I don't know his name. I can't tell you which one he is. He's good looking kid, but he's like the one that made me laugh. He was like, yo, it's Time to normalize homie head.

[Tom Segura]

Homie head. Can you imagine head from your homies? That's cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

His homie head.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, it would be cool if it was normalized. I mean, it's not like. It would not be cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

What's the name? One guy.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, boy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Who's. Who could normalize homie head to you? Be it like, if it's Brock Lesnar and you're in a car, you're driving in the woods, and he's like, yo, that's my guy. That's my guy. That's my guy.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Awkward. Two guys blowing on some steam, zipping up their pants and going on about their way. Come on, baby, let's get to it. 20, 24.

[Tom Segura]

He's pretty chill, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey, go to the one where he gets his back blown out. It's in a parking lot. It's in a parking lot, and it's with another guy.

[Tom Segura]

That's the gayest way a man can pose. By the way, when his foot's up in the air there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Where?

[Tom Segura]

Below that row to the right. That.

[Bert Kreischer]

That.

[Tom Segura]

That's the gayest way a guy can ever lay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Did you ever see the video of the two black guys and they're talking on face cam and his chicks behind him with her feet up? He's like, yo, homie, what's going on with the feet? He's like, what feet? He's like, your feet. Why are you keeping your feet?

[Tom Segura]

He's like, stop doing that, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah, this He. This kid. I follow him.

[Tom Segura]

Would you let him blow you?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, he's too young.

[Tom Segura]

That's the issue.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I'd want, like, Kevin Spacey, an older guy. Yeah. If I was gay, I would hate to find out I was gay now and then realize how great it is. All my franchise 10 years are behind me.

[Tom Segura]

What if you found out? You're like. You're like, oh, this is really what I like. And you're 52. Oh, you had no idea.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then all the times when you were really good at and you looked good and you people wanted to you. They're all behind you.

[Tom Segura]

They're all gone. Yeah, I know.

[Bert Kreischer]

And now you're just some queen.

[Tom Segura]

This guy just putting on. All he does is this guy, huh?

[Bert Kreischer]

He a lot. And he's got a boyfriend.

[Tom Segura]

Where's his back? Blown out video.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's a point in the parking lot. You got to go back. You're going the wrong way.

[Tom Segura]

How much do you watch this?

[Bert Kreischer]

I watch all of them.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

I get a deep dive on this.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

You'd be shocked who I follow. It's in a parking lot.

[Tom Segura]

They're in a parking lot.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Okay, so just scroll over them. It's not going to be is you're never going to find it.

[Tom Segura]

Oh yeah, It's a lot of videos, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I don't follow them on Tick Tock. I only follow them on Instagram. Twink Tone.

[Tom Segura]

Cool. I got my.

[Bert Kreischer]

It would be cool to be in that. That whole subculture of. Of gay.

[Tom Segura]

Just gay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

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[Bert Kreischer]

We're going.

[Tom Segura]

We're going to a gay bar tonight.

[Bert Kreischer]

I've got our outfits.

[Tom Segura]

Our. Not our outfit.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is your outfit.

[Tom Segura]

No, I have my outfit.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think. Oh, it goes like this. Your cock goes out of here. You put your cock and balls here. This goes around your waist and you wear it like that.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, that is cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, those. It would be tough. It would be. I don't. How do you. I mean, I'm being serious when I say this and I hope this doesn't come out like, ignorant. I mean, it's gonna come out ignorant.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, how do you have a friend when you're gay? Like you're friends with them and not them.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I think they just do.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. You just. Your friend be like, it's cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I mean I would be like if I would. If I was. I mean, I just seem. I would think I would be a little more promiscuous. It's like. It's like imagine if you had girlfriends but then they also were like, yo, I like too.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You were single.

[Tom Segura]

You just. A lot. Yeah, I think that's what's happening.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's got to be confusing.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know. I think gay culture is pretty like, open about liking.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

We're gonna find out tonight.

[Tom Segura]

I know.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm so pumped.

[Tom Segura]

Are you?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. We let a dude touch your dick.

[Tom Segura]

What?

[Bert Kreischer]

We let a dude touch your dick.

[Tom Segura]

Just pull it out.

[Bert Kreischer]

They get handsy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, they do get.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. They're like those monkeys in Africa that climb into your jeep and take your food out of your backpack.

[Tom Segura]

Are you gonna let one touch your dick?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I'll let a gig. I touch my dick.

[Tom Segura]

Are you gonna take something to make it grow before?

[Bert Kreischer]

We should get some Bluetooth.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. We have a stash.

[Bert Kreischer]

We should get some Bluetooth.

[Tom Segura]

Just go in there. Fully ramped up.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Dude, I am. I am so pumped. I hope they know that I'm coming in with love. Like, that we're not mocking them. Like I've. This has been my. This has been my opus for a while. I've always wanted to get rid of the chicks for Porosos.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And lean into the gay bears. I think that community is cool as. And I think it's. I think it's. I think it's cool because, you know, and I'm. I'm talking a little wild, but like gay culture is all about like when you go to like the Abbey and Hollywood we went. It's all really like jacked and good looking guys and everyone looks like the guy Twink Tone who got his back blown out.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then you got guys like us who found their people.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they like the thing. They like, they like some hair on a dude. I just think that's so cool that there's different subcultures of gay. You know.

[Tom Segura]

Sure. It's not just one thing.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And this one's my favorite. I think mostly because I look like them.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude.

[Tom Segura]

So you're gonna have some eyes on you.

[Bert Kreischer]

I can't fucking wait. I'm going shirtless. I'll show you what I'm wearing for real. This. And I'm gonna. I'm gonna wear. This goes over my shoulders and that's my underwear. And then I'm gonna put these pants on over them and I'm gonna be behind the bar. But you know what I just realized? Not all gay guys are whores.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's dressing like a. Yeah, look at this.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude. Tom Selleck. Look at that bear community. That's our people, Tom.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know why? Do you know why? For real? Because those are the people that go to our shows. But they just happen to be straight.

[Tom Segura]

Right. Right. Well, some of them aren't straight. They come to your shows.

[Bert Kreischer]

So. I've had a lot of gay bears come to my shows.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And they're gonna be all up on you today.

[Bert Kreischer]

I told you about that time the guy stopped me in his car.

[Tom Segura]

Imagine what's going on in those water, like in a. Oh, my God.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I bet this. I bet the drain for that thing is.

[Tom Segura]

I know. It's just like glued shut. There's no filter working. And they're like so many jobs.

[Bert Kreischer]

Black, brown. Black bears.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, there are black bears. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do they call Asian bears of color to see if they have. Oh, go to. Go to. Yeah, See if they have Asian.

[Tom Segura]

We must allow ourselves to what? To take it. And the mouth to.

[Bert Kreischer]

Asians are hairless.

[Tom Segura]

Take up space. Oh, yeah. So they're making a.

[Bert Kreischer]

What is it?

[Tom Segura]

Gay Asian bears.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think it's pandas. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Look at that guy. Yeah. This is going to be fun tonight. I'm getting wasted, dude.

[Tom Segura]

I hope you end up a guy. Just hammer too. You're like, dude, last night was crazy. I was so fucked up.

[Bert Kreischer]

The best. The best. The best wake up I ever had in my entire life. The best wake up. Like, sometimes I deal with life based on my wake up, right? So, like, if I wake up depressed or. Or Ang's anxious, that bad wake up can put me away. I woke up with anxious this morning. Yeah. I didn't sleep so great. And then my. My nose was stuffed up in the middle of the night, so I had a hard time breathing and my shoulder hurts and I was like, fuck. I just woke up like that. Fuck. And then the other day, I woke up in Minneapolis. Best wake up ever. Best wake up ever.

[Tom Segura]

How was the wake up?

[Bert Kreischer]

I rolled over and Leanne goes, you choke slammed two dudes last night.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's the best wake up I've ever had.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

The best lives. That was probably one of the best experiences I've ever had in my entire life. And all I'm telling you.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And Triple H, if you are watching, if anyone can get this triple horse, Tom has a fucking series called Bad Thoughts coming out. April. May 13th.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

May 13th.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

There is going to be a Monday night Raw right before his comes out. I will go with you. I will go with you. We bring the boys.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

And we go to see WW RAW is Tom. The energy there is so fun and it's just like bears. It's like, it's like, it's like. But it's all people into one thing.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they. I mean, it was so fun.

[Tom Segura]

Is this you jumping over the face?

[Bert Kreischer]

This is me jumping. Have you not seen this?

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. Leanne's pissed right here. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Why?

[Bert Kreischer]

She. Because I wasn't supposed to do any of this. Now at this moment, I'm panicking.

[Tom Segura]

You are really.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm really panicking. I'm like, please wake up, CM Punk. Please wake up. There you go. Look at this. Boom.

[Tom Segura]

You're really gonna smack that.

[Bert Kreischer]

It scares me. Look at this, Tommy. Not my best look. I should have kept the belt on. Look at this. Look at that sound slam.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

Look at that, dude. Again. Paul's going. Do it again. Do it again, Tommy. It was the most exhilarating. Not now. I'm going to say this.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because I saw Schultz on Theo's podcast, and Theo said, was that planned? And Schultz says, no, it wasn't. And in my head, I was like, bullshit, Right? Because we go there for Netflix. We go on behalf of Netflix. Netflix asked, can you go to Minneapolis? Just. All they were going to have me do is hold the belt. I was going to do a promo, right? So I did a promo with Otis. I was backstage. Yeah, it's really confusing. Like, the whole thing is very confusing because everyone's kind of nice to you, but there is this real male energy. And I'd seen those two dudes for real backstage, and they're Australian. I thought they were Irish or something.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I said something about Conor McGregor, and they did not find it funny.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then. And I was like, oh, I think they're Australian. And then they kept walking back, and I thought they were doing a bit with me. Like, they were like. Like this thing. By the way, all of this that's on there is not on air. That's not on air. The cameras were off. The show was over. This. The show was over, Tom.

[Tom Segura]

This is not on the air.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's all off air. The cameras were. The show was over. Everyone. Cameraman Pat McAfee, everyone left. Everyone left. That happened after the fucking show. So when Joel said it wasn't scripted, I was like, bullshit. It's got to be scripted. So I go, I do the promo thing with Otis. They give me the belt. I put the belt on, I chug a beer. All. All scripted, all set up. We knew we were going to do that, right? And I had said to Triple H, I was like, I want to get in the ring. I want to take a couple bumps. And everyone was making fun of me. They're like, bro, you're 52. I remember I told some. One guy goes, how old are you? And I said, 30. And he went, what? And I was. I'm 52. And he goes, hang on. If you're old enough that you don't remember how old you are, we're not gonna let you take bumps. And so I was like. I was like. I was like. And Triple H said, 30.

[Tom Segura]

I'd be like, what the fuck does this guy eat?

[Bert Kreischer]

They thought I was drunk. McAfee came up to me and goes, what's in the glass? I said, it's coffee. And he goes, okay. I told Pat, I go, do you think I could take a bump? And he was like, no. I said, but you have. He goes, buddy, I bought a wrestling ring my first year in the NFL. Like, I've been a wrestling fan my whole life.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

When we did this in our backyard as kids, like, I knew what I was doing. I had a guy trained me before I started doing. And so I was like, okay. So I was like. So I said to Triple H, I was like. I was like, you know, I said. I said to Cody, and I said to everyone I wanted to take a bump. And Triple H is like, yeah, I don't. He's like, here's the deal, man. If you're being serious, if you'd like to get in the ring, then absolutely, we'll send you down to Orlando, and you can do a couple weeks in Orlando. That's what everyone does. And then we can get you up to speed, but we can't just send you in there. And I was like, okay. So when that happened, and I. I swear on both of the lives of both of my daughters and my wife and my two dogs, might as well throw the cats in. I swear to God, no scripting, no planning. Had no idea what the fuck was going on.

[Tom Segura]

Why did you.

[Bert Kreischer]

How did you thought I was going to get in trouble?

[Tom Segura]

Why did you jump? You just jumped over the thing?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I didn't understand what I. I thought I met everybody, right? And, like, I thought. I kind of thought I was cool with everybody before the show. And the second, like, New world, A New day came in, and they were just. Lit me up. They. I was sitting right behind McAfee, and they would. Everyone would come in and go, hey, you fat. And they just. I was like, what. What did I do to Austin? Wait, the wrestlers? Yeah, sit down. You fat? And I was like. I was sitting there with my wife watching wrestling. I'm enjoying myself. McAfee's losing his mind. He's laughing in front of me. He's like, dude, they're coming after you. Everyone came in. Everyone lit me up. And when they came out, they were just staring at me. And. And they're like. They're like, yeah, take off your shirt, fat boy. Show them titties. Show them titties, fat boy. Or whatever. And I was like. And I was like. I was like. But I would have had a seizure. One guy got in my face. This is on the screen. One guy got in my face and, like, started getting in my face up in the thing, talking. And I just. I lifted my shirt up to him. I didn't know what to do. I know I'm not trained for this. I thought we were all friends. I really, really. Honestly, my big mistake was I walked in. I. I. Now I regret it. I walked in that day, and I said, is CM Punk here? And I think everyone was like, we're all people, too. Why the are you looking for? He's the only one I know, right? Because we did the football thing together. And when I saw him, I said, I swear to God, this is on camera. You can find this on camera. I said, are you wrestling tonight? And he went, no. I said, what are you doing here? He goes, I'm just doing a promo for WrestleMania. It's in two weeks. I was like, okay. I go, what are you doing? I said, I think I'm gonna do something with Paul Heyman. Just, you know, pump everyone up for Wrestlemania. And I was like, cool. And so I was like, yeah, he was not supposed to fight. He was not on any card to fight. He should not have wrestled at all. And so when they did that and they started. I started looking around like, what am I supposed to do? And they're like, yeah, get over here, fat boy. Take your shirt off, fatty. And I'm like. And then I'm like, okay. And I thought, I swear to God, Tom, I'm not joking at all. I thought, I'll go over there and I'll, like, talk shit, and then security will pull me away. And I got over there, and the guy got out of the ring, and I was like, hold on. Am I gonna fight this guy? Like, they're. I'm like, I know, I know. This is not. I know what. This is. Sports entertainment. But now I'm looking at a guy who just got out of the ring and is charging me. So I took my belt and started whapping it. I was like. And. Because I want him to know I don't know What I'm doing.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I will hurt you to make sure I stay safe. Yeah, I will hit you with my belt to make sure I stay safe.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, that's so fucking funny, man. I wish you would have hit him with your belt and he'd be like.

[Bert Kreischer]

What the fuck are you doing? It was so. It was such an insane experience. But the craziest part is when CM Punk looks at me, he goes, choke slam him. And I go, huh? I've never done a choke slam in my life. Yeah, it looked good because he saw, I think cm, CM Punk had seen my special. And I had a joke in my first bit about throwing my wife's. My wife's got like an inbred special needs kid in her family.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And it's in the special. Thanks for watching the. But I choke slam him into the water. He goes, do me WWE style. And I was like, do me WWE style. Come on. My dad does it. So I choke slammed him into the lake. So CM Punk thought he must know how to choke slam people. Yeah, dude, choke slamming a man is the funnest thing. I will do that. Any fight I ever get in, I'm choke slamming people. That is the greatest. That's a great move in the world, dude.

[Tom Segura]

You just reminded me when you're like, I don't know what's going to happen. When I went to. In fifth grade, I went to, I think it was Chris Dolman's football camp in. Outside of Minneapolis. I was like living in the suburbs, Minneapolis. It was all NFL players. And they put us in these different. I'm 10 years old. 10, you're with other 10 year olds. And then over there, the 12 year olds over there are the 16, you know, I mean, you spread out.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And one of the offensive tackles for, I guess maybe for the Vikings at the time, because there was all different players. There was like, all right, here's what we're gonna do. And he's 6, 7, and he's about 320 pounds. I mean, he's an actual giant. Massive. I'm 10. He goes, all right. He takes one of those pads where you put your, you know, your hand through it. He gives it to me. He's like, hold this. He's like, here's what we're gonna do. And he's on the other side of the pad. And I look and my hand's going like this. I was like, oh my God, this grown man is gonna. I think he's gonna kill me right now.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

He starts describing like, you get up under it. And I was like, oh my God. And then he, right as he made an impact, he just like touched it. I was like, oh, I don't know if anyone saw my hand shaking like this, but I'm sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

Were you in full pads?

[Tom Segura]

No. You're just in like T shirt and shorts.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was like.

[Tom Segura]

Because I thought with the pad, he's like, I'm just gonna fucking lay into this. I'd never been. That was what I. It's still, it's so vivid in my memory because I was so fudgeing scared that he was going to just unload on me and I would have fucking a little arm pad in front of me. And then he was like, all right, so now you guys do it. And I was like, oh, fuck. Like, I think I had tears. I think I probably cried as we started the drill, like out of relief. It was so scary when you go, I don't know what's about to happen.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's. That's the whole thing. Because I woke up the next morning, I was like, I felt so good. And I texted Cody and I texted CM Punk. Yeah. I was like, yo, I think I'm. I got bit by the bug.

[Tom Segura]

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[Bert Kreischer]

Testicular Cancer Awareness Month. So let's talk about it. Because if you're not checking your boys, who is hopefully just you. It's actually the most Common cancer for guys between 15 and 35. Which means if you're in that age range, you should be paying attention. And look, Manscaped isn't just out there making sure your junk looks presentable, pretty and clean. They're actually doing something real. They've teamed up with the Testicular Cancer Society, which is a registered nonprofit. And Manscaped is throwing down 50 grand to help save lives and remind you to check yourself before you riggity wreck yourself. Trust me, check yourself. That is the. We had Duncan Trussell, who's a good friend of ours, had testicular cancer and beat it. It's so beatable, guys. But you got to check. And here's the best part. By ordering Manscaped TCS Ball Hero Bundle, you're helping raise awareness for testicular cancer. Every purchase helps spread the life saving message. But hurry, there's a limited supplies, so these special edition products won't last long. Get your bundle while supplies last and let's raise awareness for testicular cancer together. Get 20% off plus free shipping with promo code [e-mail] Visit manscaped.com TCS to learn more about how to check yourself or make a donation tocsociety today to save lives. And balls. Like, I might go to Orlando for a little bit and train.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they just laughed.

[Tom Segura]

They love it. They love it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, they. But I. I really think me and you could take those two dudes in a Monday night raw.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, man, of course we could. What are they, Australian?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, they're the Day Down Under. What are they? Lovely Day Down Under. What is the name of the rest?

[Tom Segura]

Lovely Day Down Under.

[Bert Kreischer]

No. Is that a boy band I've been texting them with? No, they're a. A Town Down Under.

[Tom Segura]

Oh.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's Grayson and Austin. And they can get this smoke.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's all I'll say. I mean, they've already got a taste of the B, man. You bring in the two of us. Two Bears versus a town down under. Two Bears. Dude, we would fucking. We would fucking crush Tom. But what we'll do is we'll get like. We'll get like a really good wrestler in our corner. Yeah. To like a really, really good one. To be like our Coach.

[Tom Segura]

Somebody under 50.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Someone under 50.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Get Cody. We'll get Cody. Or get CM Punk or get both of them in our corner just to kind of like.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tell us what to do.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, they'll kind of like shepherd us through it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I choke slam a dude. Dude, I could do that again. I can do that move. That moves in my pocket.

[Tom Segura]

I. I mean, that's exciting, dude. That would be super fun. Super fun.

[Bert Kreischer]

We might need to learn how to do some stuff first.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, probably a good idea.

[Bert Kreischer]

Or just go in, I think. I think the name of our team should be called Dumb Luck. And we just go in with no fucking training.

[Tom Segura]

A town down under. The team's name is a reference to both wrestlers originating from countries with a name starting with an A. Wow, that's pretty deep. America for theory. And you guys. Grayson went to the well for that one. That's creative.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can I tell you what? Can I tell you. Can I tell you what's really scary?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is the next morning, I followed them on Instagram.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

They didn't follow me back.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I just followed them. Like, I just followed them because I was like. And I was. I think I sent a message. Hey, guys, that was really fun last night. No reply.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, no reply. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, I. It. I. This fucking. The wrestling scene is so cool to me because I really, honestly don't know how these people don't get hurt. There was a fucking match with. With the. A New Day, I think it's called. And then. And then up against these two Vikings, and they did this fucking move. Yeah. And the New Day. Yeah. So once again, those guys fucking lit me up. Those guys did fucking come out like. Like spider verse in the multi. Spider man in the multiverse. And they're like. They're like, hey, fat boy. They got my face. I was like, I thought I said hi to you backstage. There aren't any other black guys here. Why the fuck are you guys? Why is everyone being a dick to me? And then, like, the one guy I meet. That's cool. Otis doesn't even say hi to me after the show.

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, everyone just kind of was like, yeah. I was like, oh, this. He was like, otis was fucking good, dude. Man, you. These guys move around so fucking fast.

[Tom Segura]

They're athletes. I know.

[Bert Kreischer]

When you see the. The crazy one, he's big as fuck, this dude. What's Steiner's son's name? I met him and I'm. I'm sorry, I'm not remembering any.

[Tom Segura]

I saw him standing next to you.

[Bert Kreischer]

This guy dude. Yeah. Brock and Brock Steiner. Go to Brock. Go to Brock. See if it's Brock. He. Dude, he tackled a guy so hard. I don't know. No, that's not him.

[Tom Segura]

No, the other one, it's.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's a wrestler. I'm sorry. I'm so bad. With names. I met so many people that night, but this guy fucking tackled a dude so hard that I was like, that's real. That's real. Like, he was coming, Tom, at a full clip.

[Tom Segura]

Was it this dude?

[Bert Kreischer]

I think so. And he was so jacked. He's so fucking ripped and so fucking big. He comes running to the ring in just jeans and tackles a dude. Diving tackle. And I'm like, that would break ribs. Then they get this one guy up against the chair, up against the wall, and they come and they just fucking slam their body into his face. And I'm like, these. These have to hurt.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, of course. These guys get really fucked up.

[Bert Kreischer]

I lifted that guy at least fucking seven feet in the air and threw him onto his back. I don't know how the fuck he got out of the ring. That's like it. It looks when you see it in person. I want to go. I want me and you to go with your boys, and I want just them to see. They're going to be. Their minds are going to be fucking blown.

[Tom Segura]

They would love to be in the arena because they're both really into combat sports right now. Like, they're. They both do jiu jitsu, and they both are like, we want a box. And they. They're trying to. There's just like, sign us up for boxing. We're in a box.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you know what's gonna happen when your boys see their dad and Uncle Fat Sticks in the ring?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, they'll go crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

They're gonna be like, you're gods.

[Tom Segura]

I gotta get. I gotta get them into it first. I should watch. They should watch one next week or this week. Whatever.

[Bert Kreischer]

Robin Rochelle's WrestleMania is going to be crazy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's in two weeks.

[Tom Segura]

I wonder if they'll take to it. It's so funny, though. Like, you just discover. I don't know. I mean, it's different for you, but I guess because you had girls is like, some of the things you think, like, they liked watching this. This. We watched Fight Pass. We watched a Jiu Jitsu tournament. Because they go to that class. Right. Like, I wonder if they'll respond to it. Maybe they will with, like.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, I mean, first of all, live. Live. There are times. I mean, if you looked at the playback, because I was sitting behind Pat, and so, like, I was in the. Their two shot. I was in the middle of them.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So many times I. People just screen grab pictures of me just like this. You see them do these things.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

That are so athletic.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So. And look so painful. And you see them get up. There was this girl, Ayo. Is that her name? Ayo? This is the craziest thing I saw. Yeah. Ao, wwe, eo, Sky, IO Sky. Dude, they bring in the three fucking female contenders for the heavyweight bail belt. And there's. I think they're make them all three fight at the same time. Yeah, it's a black chick. It's a fucking, like a chick from Brooklyn. And then this. Ao, Eo, whatever. They. I don't know. I'm bad at fucking names. I feel bad. I met all these people, and I know, and I'm not saying their names right. But then everyone. And so Tom. Yeah, the fucking two chicks are face to face, and they're talking, and this EOS guy's like, fuck this. Grabs her belt, starts to walk out. And we're watching two people talk like this, and all of a sudden I see this fucking rising sun, Asian person flying up in the sky. She kicks the black chick in the back of the head, the back of the front of her head. Head butts the other white chick, and they both go to the ground. I don't give a fuck what anyone says. You kick someone in the back of the head, it fucking hurts. You headbutt another person, it hurts. I was so blown when that. And that's early in the night when that happened, I was like, holy shit, I'm fucking in. I am in.

[Tom Segura]

You got me excited to check it out.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm telling you. I'm gonna call. I'm gonna talk to Ross. I'll talk to. You know what? It's Tom. It'll be so fun. It'll be so fun. Find out where WWE RAW is when Tom's special airs we. Find out where it is. By the way, have you seen. The picture is worse. I got a new fat picture to put up my gym. Yeah, I'm gonna text you guys a picture. It's the worst picture of me.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, definitely send it. What's this right here? Is this just the video? This is Peter's angle of the whole thing.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, listen to Peter.

[Tom Segura]

Look at you taking your belt off.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't even know what's going on around me.

[Tom Segura]

It's hilarious.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't even know what's going on around me.

[Tom Segura]

I love that. I can sense your nerves.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, look, you see, like, I'm, like, trying to get away from a dog. Get away from me. Look how quick I ran to him. I give a little bam. Look at Leanne. This is not my best look. I had a hard Time getting in the ring. Yeah, my pants are falling down.

[Tom Segura]

Saw a little crack.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's just, you know, that's when CM Punk goes, you think you can choke? Slam him.

[Tom Segura]

That's the best day of my life.

[Bert Kreischer]

Now I got it. I'm like, give me another one. Come on. Leanne goes, he the second guy you really hurt. And I was like, for real, dude. Tom, that's going to be us. Find out where RAW is on the month May 12th in Louisville.

[Tom Segura]

It's Louisville.

[Bert Kreischer]

Louisville. It's Louisville. Know your cities. Does it say who's wrestling? Let me look. It's WWE Raw, though. Yeah, that's it. Louisville.

[Tom Segura]

Pretty cool, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, can I talk to you about a weird thing that is happening in my life and I'm wondering if. If you're adjacent to this.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

So I was doing an interview with Kyle Busch and his NASCAR driver. Yes. And his lovely wife casually mentioned that her, her parents are in a, In a retirement community.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I said, really? How old are they? She said, 55.

[Tom Segura]

55.

[Bert Kreischer]

And wait a minute, how.

[Tom Segura]

What, how old is Kyle Bush?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, she's. No, they're both young. I mean, Kyle bush is like 35, 37. She's probably like 29.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I've never heard of a retirement community.

[Bert Kreischer]

For 55 year olds.

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

So that's a really, really popular ones. Now there's like all these places in Florida where you can go into a retirement community. And these retirement communities, they sound pretty awesome. But now Leanne's obsessed with. She wants to start a retirement community.

[Tom Segura]

Start one.

[Bert Kreischer]

She wants to make her own. She wants to buy. There's a school in Bristol, Connecticut for sale for $500,000.

[Tom Segura]

Bristol, Tennessee.

[Bert Kreischer]

Bristol, Tennessee. Have you seen it?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You have, right?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

She wants to buy it and she wants to start a retirement community. There's a stage. She goes, we'll have bands, we'll have. It'll. She's like, it'll be just be fun. It'll just be parties. We always get up. She was like, it'll be like a.

[Tom Segura]

Fraternity house, but you'll have other people living there.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know, I know. But I'm thinking, I wonder if that's the move. What if I, what if I, what if I start a retirement community? Right?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just like minded people.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, it seems like a, honestly, like a natural fit for you.

[Bert Kreischer]

I kind of starting to get into the idea of a retirement community.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I totally see that working for you.

[Bert Kreischer]

I can't understand why my parents never did it.

[Tom Segura]

Why they didn't join one.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, maybe they just don't like the idea of community.

[Bert Kreischer]

Did you, could you see you and push in a retirement community?

[Tom Segura]

Absolutely not.

[Bert Kreischer]

Why not?

[Tom Segura]

The same reason your parents didn't join one.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wouldn't it be awesome? You got a little like, little pharmacy there where you got a, you got a rock dock on edge on there.

[Tom Segura]

That's cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

So you can get IVs. You can get like, you got pickleball courts, tennis courts, basketball courts, you got a pool with the, like a beach and then you got a bar right in the center of it.

[Tom Segura]

It's so Bert though. It's, it's, I, I, it's definitely, I.

[Bert Kreischer]

Would love it if your day was just. And then here's the other thing, right?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. So like 55 and up.

[Bert Kreischer]

55 and up. Girls start at 40.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Guys have to be 55.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Only 40 year old dudes in there. Yeah. And, and yeah, you buy in, get like I want to find like an old, like I want to find a place and buy it and then build it out to my liking. But you get like IVs, you get like a rock dock, right? So like you get a doctor, but he's a little, you know, on the.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. So you have a community of people.

[Bert Kreischer]

With the community of people where you got activities planned every night. Every night. Like Taco Tuesday. And everyone gets excited for Taco Tuesday. But here's the cool thing. So like, you know, I think one of the things in our country that is unspoken but is a real problem in our country is our silent caste system where people hate rich people, but people all want to be rich, right?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's totally true.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's kind of a bizarre set of circumstances considering in India they just have a great up. They just have a caste system and they go, yeah, yeah, you're poor and you'll always be poor and you can never be rich. That's who you are.

[Tom Segura]

And accept it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Accept it. Well, what's cool about a retirement community is you kind of go full communism.

[Tom Segura]

You kind of do because everyone gets their own house.

[Bert Kreischer]

No one's houses are better than anyone else's house.

[Tom Segura]

Everyone's kind of the same.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's like, have you ever seen the place that all the rock stars live in? Tennessee? Someone tell me the name. Someone knows the name. I wish someone, my team was here. This great, great, great fucking community of rock stars. It's country music stars. And bargazi's gonna move there. Like music row. No, no, no, no. It's, I Forget the name of it. But it's. It's a. It's a golf community.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And there's no rules for the golf course. You can play shirtless, shoeless. You can do whatever you want. Beers are everywhere. They've got a place for your store. Bus. They've got all these places. When you buy a lot, you get three houses you can pick from. So everyone's kind of got the same houses. So no one. There's no keeping up with the Joneses. No, no, it's not Old Hickory. It's. I forget the name of it.

[Tom Segura]

It's the one that Nate is Nate.

[Bert Kreischer]

And Nate's trying to get me to buy one there. And I think we're trying all the ones right now. We're trying to get out further in the woods. But it's not. It's not Old Hickory. But it's so cool because these guys, like Morgan Whalen lives there. And like, I think Ernest lives there all the fucking. But because you're only can have one of three houses, then they build the house for you. The community builds house. No one really can is big dicking anyone.

[Tom Segura]

Right?

[Bert Kreischer]

It's all. Everyone's on the same level, and not everyone is on the same level. I mean, people like Morgan Whelan are fucking making crazy money, and Nate's making crazy money too. But like, you know, but everyone has the same house. But I think that's the cool thing about a retirement community is you. Everyone gets the same house. So then ultimately. Or a version of the same house. Like track housing in the 50s or in the 40s. They did for my grandfather.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Everyone in Levittown got one of three houses. And then you would go to the neighbor's house. It was the same as your dad, as your grandmother. My grandmother's house.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

But that would be the cool thing about it and partying. You don't have to live there, Tom. Just have like a. Like a little timeshare.

[Tom Segura]

Timeshare. Okay. Okay. I mean, build it, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think I might.

[Tom Segura]

I think it's exciting. I kind of want to retire out of the country.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. Okay. This is a great fucking game today. I said, is Leanne can't hear me, can she? I think she can. Never mind.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, I'll say it. I'll say it and then Leanne can say her.

[Tom Segura]

Just whisper it. She won't hear.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. Today I. I was. I was. I was on my treadmill, I was doing my jog, and I decided to jog in Stockholm, Sweden. And. And I. And I just realized that I never got the opportunity to live in Stockholm. Sweden.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, to, like, ride a bike everywhere and have my. My. My pants tight and have this, like, tall, blonde girlfriend who goes, hey, would you like to meet for a beer after work? And I go, yeah. And then I'd. And then I'd ride my bike up, and she'd go, oh, it's so lovely to see you. And then we'd have a couple beers, and then we'd ride our bikes home and we'd eat, like, a little bowl of rice or whatever like Stockholm people do and just go to bed with little hot milk. I was like, I never got to live that life. I never got to live. I never married a French chick who was, like, smoking cigarettes in the morning off the balcony with no bra, and she's like this. Fuck poetry, you know, or whatever, like all those chicks around the world. So now I was, like, curious, what chick? In what scenario, in what country do you look and go, fuck, I'll never get one of those.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah. I mean, basically all of them. I mean, they're all gone.

[Bert Kreischer]

But name the. Name one that you go, I mean.

[Tom Segura]

The French one's pretty exciting. The. The.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, look at her. Look at her. Look at her. Yeah, look at her. She's right there. Look at her. The one in the fucking corner. Yeah, that's what. Dude, I was just explaining that type in Stockholm woman. See, if I maybe look. Oh, yeah. And then she goes, oh, it's so good to see you. My mama and papa are coming by later. Maybe we get a little. Little bit of beer now. Not too much. And then my mama, daddy, Papa.

[Tom Segura]

Papa would like to go have one she special needs.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. All right, let's go. Okay.

[Tom Segura]

What's the Italian version? I mean, that would be cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

Type in a hot Italian woman.

[Tom Segura]

Italian chick on a Vespa who's just like, I'll drive. And you're like, okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey, Tommy Duster. That's somewhere my mom. And then the papa made a bread when I was a little girl.

[Tom Segura]

There she is. She's right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Look at her. Look at her.

[Tom Segura]

She's hot, dude. Japanese dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

I got a geisha one night.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

That was the greatest night of my life.

[Tom Segura]

That's fucking cool, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'll tell you what.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

No type in hot geisha serving you. She served me all night.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

She sat in my room while I slept.

[Tom Segura]

She sat while you slept?

[Bert Kreischer]

She sat in my room while I slept. I had a. I had. Dude, one of the greatest nights of.

[Tom Segura]

My life was a geisha night.

[Bert Kreischer]

Kyoto, Japan.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

We go to, we get a geisha. She sits with me through dinner. She was, you know, we're doing trip flips, so she sits with me. But she's my geisha. She sits with me. She laughs at everything I say. She doesn't speak English. She's laughing at everything, right? I tell her, you know, hey, can I. Can I get another beer? She goes, has beer. I was telling her about sake bombs. She hadn't done socky bombs. I was like, how the fuck is that possible? So I'm doing soggy bombs. And then she's time for me to go to bed. So she takes me to my room. She makes my bed, undoes my bed. She gets all my clothes out. I tell her I have explained to her I have a flight in the morning, that I. I have a flight early. And so I. And I have to shower, but there's no shower. And she says, you know, whatever, don't.

[Tom Segura]

Worry, don't worry, I'll bathe you with my hands.

[Bert Kreischer]

She sits in the corner of my room while I slept. I don't think I passed out, but I don't know if I. I woke up and she was sitting in the corner of my room and she saw me wake up. And she got out. She drew a bath. It was snowing. It was fucking snowing. I have a picture of this. I took a picture. I wanted to take a picture of me, her in the bath, but I was naked. So I was like, she drew a bath. It's snowing outside, Tom. And then she brought me a fucking Sapporo in the bath. It's snowing outside. It's still dark. My geisha hasn't slept all night long. I fucking power napped. Yeah, I'm in a bath. It's snowing, Tom. It's one of the most beautiful fucking mornings of my life. Yeah, look at this picture of this Japan.

[Tom Segura]

What was her tit sitch like?

[Bert Kreischer]

She wasn't that attractive, to be honest with you. I was in Osaka or. No, I was in Kyoto. Look at this, Tom. Yeah, this was my bath. It was my bath in the snow. This is me trying to take a picture of me and my geisha.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's not so good, I bet.

[Bert Kreischer]

I have a picture. That's me. She dressed me to go on the airplane.

[Tom Segura]

Nice.

[Bert Kreischer]

I said, look how close. That's clothes. She laid out. And I was like. I was like, I can't have it. Where am I? Where are the rest of my clothes?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, you Know another girlfriend who, like, the. Like the racist Southern.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, it's not all it's cracked up to be.

[Tom Segura]

Oh.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, it is a good girlfriend is the. The. The redneck. Redneck girlfriends. I've had one. I have one. I'm married to one, and they're.

[Tom Segura]

She's just dropping slurs all the time.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I wish Liam was a little more racist.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that'd be cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

She said something the other day. She said something in the car the other day, and I'd never heard her say it. She goes, oh, we said that all day. All my life growing up. Oh. Oh, good gooty. What? What? Someone tell Leanne to text me what? She said.

[Tom Segura]

Good gooty.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was so stupid, Tom. And I was like. But, you know, here's the cool thing about this redneck chick. I'm gonna blow up redneck chicks for a second.

[Tom Segura]

Surfer girlfriend. You ever have that? No, That's a pretty good one.

[Bert Kreischer]

That would be a surfer girlfriend. Okay, what about. What about a hiking Colorado girlfriend?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah, that's another one. Surfer girls.

[Bert Kreischer]

Cool. Surfer girls. Surfer girl would be badass. Yeah. How about. How about the New York chick?

[Tom Segura]

How. How New York?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know. I can't do, like, Long island accent.

[Tom Segura]

No, that's rough.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it's okay.

[Tom Segura]

Like, that Philly accent. It's on.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's all my cousins. Yeah, you want to get. You want me to suck your.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I went out with a girl from Boston once who had a heavy Boston accent, and I would go limp as she spoke. She was. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, type in type. I just want to see if it has hot. Hot Boston girl. Disgusting accent. Best box. Okay, let's see. Let's see this best. Can we hear it?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God, lady.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right, real quick. Don't even think about it. TD garden muffler. Fenway Park, Car Carter. Butternut squash. Oh, Carter. That's my favorite. That's a intense accent. Yeah, I bet you. I bet it grows on you. I bet if. I bet if. I bet it grows on you. We just didn't grow up around it.

[Tom Segura]

No, I don't know if it grows on you.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think it does. Ah, come on. Yeah. Pachi peka. Come on. Let me see that cack. Let me see that cac. It's like having sex with Bobby Kelly.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Rough, dude. Hey, hey, dude, dude. Let me suck a. Yeah, come on. Let me see a little peka. Hey, you like that? No, I don't know if I could. Pittsburgh's a rough one.

[Tom Segura]

Pittsburgh.

[Bert Kreischer]

Pittsburgh accent.

[Tom Segura]

Yinzes Yin's downtown.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's an intense. But I think. Here's the deal.

[Tom Segura]

I think.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think. Okay, so obviously, French accent, French accent, Italian accent.

[Tom Segura]

What about like a sophisticated Brit that's kind of hot because you know that, like, she's going to be super proper all the time, but then just like a total whore in bed.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude. That's the whole thought behind Brazzers, really. Brazzers is all British chicks and you hear like, a British chick. The dude, the British. The posh British accent. Yeah, Type in posh British chick gets. I want to hear what they sound. Want to hear what they sound like when they. When they have sex.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, let's. We gotta hear her talk, though.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, there she is. She's talking a little bit. Let's hear.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you like Deep Throat, baby?

[Tom Segura]

Okay, this might just be a cool trailer.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think it is a cool trailer. How do we get the. That's not even a real dick. That's real dick.

[Tom Segura]

That is a real dick.

[Bert Kreischer]

Come on in her to say something like, get me a cup of tea.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right. I feel bad that there's girls working in there that are all watching this.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Here you go. Oh, well, this is a little creepy. The audio sucks on these.

[Tom Segura]

What is this from? 93 wouldn't it? You are going to fail. There you go.

[Bert Kreischer]

You understand? Yes.

[Tom Segura]

I like when they're. When they're okay. Too dumb to read. It's like, you can't fail. Breathe.

[Bert Kreischer]

By the way, I can't have them dressed up like children. Get. Clearly, a girl's running this page.

[Tom Segura]

Talking.

[Bert Kreischer]

Never mind, guys. Whoa. So this shouldn't take us too long at all. Good.

[Tom Segura]

We'll just make it a nice little Saturday afternoon refresher lesson. Cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right, Big driving screen. Get to the action, guys. Okay. We'll back it up a little bit. I want to see how that happened. Did she start a failure test right there?

[Tom Segura]

Cool. Just watching porn with my bro today.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right.

[Tom Segura]

Just hanging out, watching porn with my butt.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's rock hard.

[Tom Segura]

This.

[Bert Kreischer]

That guy didn't look like an actor.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right. You can get this off. But okay, so, like, let's Rank them Top 5 hottest chick chick accents.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, I think French, Italian, Italian, Spanish, Greek, British.

[Bert Kreischer]

Jesus, American doesn't even hold now. We got so many different accents in here now.

[Tom Segura]

Plus American. They're all. They got too many ideas.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, you almost want a stereotypical submissive, like Italian. Like, hey, that's okay. You can have a lady to have a sex with. Also on the side. Just like the guy that made the car. Ferrari. Sophia Sofia Vargara. Best accent, Colombian.

[Tom Segura]

She's from Colombia.

[Bert Kreischer]

Jesus Christ. The Spanish accent is so fucking hot. Sexiest accents around the world. Number one is British. Okay. Number two, French. Number three, Italian. We're hitting this out of the park. Number four, Australian. N nar nar. Now that's not cock.

[Tom Segura]

Five, Spanish.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, there we go.

[Tom Segura]

That's good. Irish.

[Bert Kreischer]

Irish. Put it in me stinker. Put it in me stinker, would ya? Scottish. I wouldn't mind fucking in the ass. How can you rub my clip?

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

American. Southern. Leanne. There you are. Your number eight. Portuguese.

[Tom Segura]

Sexy as hell. Yeah, I met some.

[Bert Kreischer]

Even the dudes.

[Tom Segura]

Even south dudes.

[Bert Kreischer]

South African accents are.

[Tom Segura]

It's super sexy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Best, hottest South African chick. The girl from Dian. Word. Oh, she is so beautiful.

[Tom Segura]

That accent is sexy.

[Bert Kreischer]

She is put in Yolandi. Yolandi. F. Just get her to talk. Yeah, get her talking. Yeah, when she talks.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. It's hot.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, dude, her accent is so hot. I don't know. Gotta go. Go back to a part where she has a microphone in her hand.

[Tom Segura]

I think he just holds it the whole time.

[Bert Kreischer]

He does a lot of the talking.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, here we go.

[Bert Kreischer]

Drop the beatbox. Promise. There you go. Blue. Gabby's.

[Tom Segura]

God.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's quite cute. It's unexpected. Yeah, it's unexpected. And I also got Satan weed smoking. I wouldn't mind just one.

[Tom Segura]

Children about weed. That can make you say, yeah, sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

She's got such. She's got a hot accent.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. What? You ready?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Top five dude accents. Number one is gonna be American. That's the hottest male accents. Number one's American. I guarantee you.

[Tom Segura]

Why?

[Bert Kreischer]

Listen to us. We speak flawless. We don't sound silly. We sound normal. We sound hottest male accents. Hang on, Wait.

[Tom Segura]

It's the same exact list.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait. American Southern is attractive as opposed to just American regular. I have zero accent.

[Tom Segura]

You.

[Bert Kreischer]

I have zero accent. I have zero. I have.

[Tom Segura]

You're saying it so confidently that I believe you're wrong.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I have. I have no accent.

[Tom Segura]

You have a neutral accent.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm a neutral accent. Do I sound like I'm from Boston?

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do I sound like I'm from Philly?

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do I sound like I'm from Georgia?

[Tom Segura]

No, but you have a hint of something.

[Bert Kreischer]

I got a hint of just American. Just good, perfect. American.

[Tom Segura]

Good, perfect.

[Bert Kreischer]

America. This is. If you said, give me a bland. Give me a baseline American accent. It's what I sound like.

[Tom Segura]

You think so?

[Bert Kreischer]

So do you.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

So every. All the dudes in this thing, but you get. If you talk to Ron White, he has an accent.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, for sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. Joe. Joe had.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know.

[Bert Kreischer]

Did Joe have an accent?

[Tom Segura]

He had a stronger one 20 years ago.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it's.

[Tom Segura]

It's faded away.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was with a dude. This is so wild. I can't remember his name. He's got a new series called the Devil May Cry on. Type it in. He's a. He went to WWE with me. Devil May Cry. This was wild. I think his name is. I think his name is Aid. EBay. Edie, the creator. The. The. The guy who created it. No, it looks like they're. No, no, no, no. This. He's the guy that directed the Netflix series. I apologize, I can't. I'm so sorry. I can't.

[Tom Segura]

Director.

[Bert Kreischer]

Director.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, Director. Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's it.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

ID Shankar.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

I had. I apologize. I'm overshare a little bit.

[Tom Segura]

Adi, that's crazy eyeliner he's got on.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, he's into like anime.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Gosh it. Like, he's like, he's. First of all, he's wildly talented.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Devil May Cry is pretty fucking awesome. And I'm not even an anime and I'm seven episodes in.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

And. But this is what's so insane. And once again, I apologize if I'm not meaning just trying to tell the story right.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's talking to us. He's like, yeah, so nice to meet you, man. It's really. He's like, it was so fun sitting next to you. I never drink. I drank with you guys. Such a good time. And then we're talking and I said, you fucking. Where are you from? He was like, I'm born in India, grew up in Singapore, but I came here five years ago or seven years or something. And I was like, really? You have no accent. He goes, oh, this isn't my real accent. I said, what? And he goes, I do this just to blend in. It's easier. I said, really? He goes. And then he does. This is how I talk like that. No, but I'm not good at accents. But like a full blown Indian accent. He goes, this is how I think in an Indian accent. This is how I think. This is how I talk. But you know, it's just easier to assimilate just to talk like this to you. Yeah, talk like this. And I was like, yeah, that's fucking wild.

[Tom Segura]

Well, so many people from around the world can do the American accent because they have so Much exposure to it around the clock for, like, their entire lives. So it'd be like if we put on. If we put on TV and there was, like, always an Indian show on, like, always from the time you were born, and you flip the channel and it's like 10 other. And there's 20 movies that you would. And it was all. You would just be like, be able to switch it on so fast. Yeah, but that's why they can do the American accent so well, is because they consume so much American entertainment.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, that guy was fascinating. He was talking. I'm gonna. I guess maybe you're not supposed to share everything people talk to you about when you're drunk.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So maybe I shouldn't share everything. But he was talking about. He was talking about arranged marriages.

[Tom Segura]

Pretty crazy, bro.

[Bert Kreischer]

They bring you smoke shows. Sometimes they bring you smoke shows.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And by the way, his wife is beautiful. He married his wife. He was like, I'm not going to an arranged marriage. Fell in love with his wife, Married his wife. We had drinks with him.

[Tom Segura]

This was after wwe.

[Bert Kreischer]

We all went to the bar at the Four Seasons and had drinks. And he showed me a picture of one of his arranged marriages, and I was like, and the arranged marriages, they're doing it with the millionaires.

[Tom Segura]

Didn't you ever watch that Netflix show about arranged Indian marri marriages?

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Tom Segura]

It's so good, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

I would like to be an Indian arranged marriager.

[Tom Segura]

This show is great. It's really good. And you. And you meet, like, people that are Indian matchmaking. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

What is this?

[Tom Segura]

And it's on Netflix. It's so good.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Tom Segura]

And she's the matchmaker, and you have, like, people that are just like. She's pairing them together. So you're watching them, and then they switch to a couple that's been together 40 years, and they're like, yeah, it works. It works a lot of times.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you. What do you think if they had arranged a marriage between you and Push? Didn't know her. They just walked you into a room, sat you in a bed, put a lay on your neck?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Put a lay on her neck and sat you next to each other and this is your wife?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

First impressions? Would you. What would you have said?

[Tom Segura]

I would have liked it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I liked her.

[Bert Kreischer]

What do you think? What do you think Push would have said?

[Tom Segura]

I don't know about this fucking guy. Which is exactly what happened pretty much.

[Bert Kreischer]

Same here.

[Tom Segura]

I was like, I really like her. And she was like, Liam would.

[Bert Kreischer]

Walked in and walked right out. She got Nah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Now?

[Tom Segura]

No. Christina been, like, forever, this guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Forever.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And I'd be like, cool. Cool. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is she coming to the gay bar tonight?

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Why not?

[Tom Segura]

I don't know. With the boys?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Can't they watch him? They would love a Garrett Bear bar. Can they watch themselves yet?

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

How old are they?

[Tom Segura]

Six and nine.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, at nine, I was walking to the store by myself.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I don't think you know these guys that well. You don't want them alone. Yeah. It's gonna be so fun, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's gonna be a blast.

[Tom Segura]

I wonder if we'll see, like, some wild, like, just we. You turn your head and you're like, oh, that guy's blowing that guy over there. Like. Like.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I hope so.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I hope. I hope if we just get the word out. If they could just. You know how, like, you know, like, when you go bungee jumping, the guys with you a little bit, and they're like, yeah, we haven't lost anyone, like, a month. And you're like, what?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they kind of, like, turn it on a little bit.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I hope they do that to us a little bit. They're like, yeah. Or fall. If you guys weren't here, we all be sucking.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Let's see, you guys. Did you guys chat with the glory hole back there?

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'd be like, are you serious?

[Tom Segura]

Glory hole I could deal with. Would you do a glory hole?

[Bert Kreischer]

No. Milking table? Yes. Glory hole. No.

[Tom Segura]

Wait, what's the.

[Bert Kreischer]

Why milking table? I think because you're so relaxed. I think the idea of standing and getting a blowjob.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Kind of drives me nuts. Like, my knees would be shaking, and maybe the hole's not high enough and I got to squat the whole time.

[Tom Segura]

You're so pressed up again.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And you're like this. But a milking table, you just lay on. You get to pick your. Your angle.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Why would you pick guy milking table? Why put girl. There you go. I could definitely do that.

[Tom Segura]

He's got a piece on him.

[Bert Kreischer]

I definitely, definitely, definitely do that.

[Tom Segura]

I think that'd be awesome.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I would want.

[Tom Segura]

I really trick you, though, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Tom Segura]

She'd walk you into the room. She'd be like, lay here. And then she'd be like, no, I'm gonna go down there and take care of business. And then, like, some guy named Fred would just walk in and suck you off. And then at that very end, you'd be like, wait a minute. Who did it?

[Bert Kreischer]

And then Fred, as you getting A blowjob. She comes up, she goes, you want me to rub your back? You're like, wait, where the. Who's down there? Yeah, would it matter?

[Tom Segura]

I mean, you still come, so I don't know.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right, what if I told you, yeah, we got a milking table?

[Tom Segura]

I would love to try a milking table.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's probably a girl.

[Tom Segura]

It's probably a girl, but it's the.

[Bert Kreischer]

Best blow job you're gonna have your life. Would you like to try it? And so you try it, and it's the greatest blowjob.

[Tom Segura]

See, that looks awesome.

[Bert Kreischer]

That looks great. Yeah, look at him. He's on his phone.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. He's playing a game.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't think. See, I don't think Leanne would be into a milking table.

[Tom Segura]

What's this one right here? Drink up. Down. Left there. Which. Oh, yeah. She's about to shoot it all over herself.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's crazy. I felt like I like that she.

[Tom Segura]

Prioritized her comfort too. She's got, like, an ergonomic chair down there. She's not like, I'm just gonna, like, lay under. She's like, prop me up.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I bet that blowjob is so hard to give.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's like drinking a milkshake upside down.

[Tom Segura]

And your head keeps hitting the bottom of the table.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I bet a glory hole is better for a glory hole. Works easier for the person on the receiving side of the room.

[Tom Segura]

She would do the milking table or no.

[Bert Kreischer]

Leanne. Yeah, no, I think that she would. Leanne's got this weird thing about, like, it being even. Like, I don't think, like, there's no. Leanne has no taste for dominance or, like, subservience. Like, I don't. I'm being dead serious. I'm being dead serious. I was curious if she would answer this if she's hearing this. Leanne is not the kind of chick that will give you a blowjob on her knees. Like, that's like, no. The fuck? What am I, your servant? No. Fucking. It's not enjoyable for me. What are you gonna be. Stand dominantly over? That's like, Leanne's energy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So she doesn't. She's. And I mean, quite honestly, she kind of wears the pants in our family, so, like, I don't think a milking table. She wouldn't be like, yeah, why don't I get the bottom of the table and suck your. While you rest in a fucking massage chair. It just doesn't seem like Liam.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, now you say, like, That I don't know how Christina would respond either.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't think she. I'll just buy one and just put it in the. Like, I bought. I bought her. Leanne. If you don't like me saying this, I can take this out. So we got. We got. Our sex has been pretty insane lately.

[Tom Segura]

That's great.

[Bert Kreischer]

And one of the things. I had this dream. I had this dream one night that Leanne was in a nurse's outfit, and it was a white latex nurse's outfit. And she came up to me and she goes, hey, I just need to take a sample real quick. And she put her hand in my pants, and it was like the hottest dream I ever woke. I woke up like crazy. So I went and I tried to buy a nurse's outfit, and I got kind of one, but it wasn't what I was looking for, But I got it. It's like more like a Halloween costume. It was like a sexy one. And one night, I think we're both little buzzed. And she was like. And I was like, yeah. I put it out on the bed, just laid it on the bed. And Leanne's like, ah, fuck it, I'll try it. And, bro, it was crazy. It was like, maybe. I'm saying I sometimes will tell Leanne, just so you know, that's going in my memory bank that moment. I got, like, three things that are in my memory bank. Five things. That's one of them. So then I go, yo, I need to get a latex nurse's outfit. So I type in latex and this thing comes up and it's like, fucking intense.

[Tom Segura]

Hot.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's hot. I mean, it's. So type in on Amazon. Red latex outfit, Nurses outfit. What? No, it's not a nurse's outfit, but it's. I got it off Amazon. And I was like, holy shit, this is so sexy. I show it to Leanne and she goes, absolutely not. It's more like, go down. It's almost full bodied. So it's like. It's feet, wrists to ankles. That's it. That's it. That's it. You saw. That's it. That's it. And Leanne saw it. She goes, absolutely not.

[Tom Segura]

Why?

[Bert Kreischer]

It's. Dude, it's rubber. Like, you need to lube yourself up to get into it. And she was like, this might be a little bit much for me.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

So that's. But that's Leanne's energy. Like, she would.

[Tom Segura]

It's $38. That's not bad.

[Bert Kreischer]

I might have Gotten the more expensive one because I bought two. And they were. I think they were custom made. Yeah. And so they just sit in our. But the best is Isla comes home. She was like, yo, mom, what's up with the nurse's costume? Leanne's like, you shouldn't be going through drawers. Allie goes, wait, wait, wait. Before we go. Before we go, I want to talk about msg.

[Tom Segura]

MSG was the absolute best.

[Bert Kreischer]

You said something to me a long time ago that I have kept in my head. I mean, I'd like to do msg. It's not. It's not one of my. It's on my bucket list thing.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think I've done my bucket list things like the gorge, red rocks. Those are my speed. I like the outdoor stuff. But you said something one time, because I remember we were. We were talking to a friend, and he asked us to do MSG with him. And you said to the friend, this should be your play. You should do MSG by yourself. And you said to me, I would like to do MSG by myself. I don't. I, like. Like, no offense. I just. If I do msg, I want it to be my night.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I fucking registered so heavily that as I was looking at the videos, I would look at the videos. I was like, dude, this is a big night for him.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it was. It was awesome.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is it. Is it out of all the shows you've done, you've done big venues.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is it msg? Does it feel different than, say, United center or the Forum?

[Tom Segura]

I think so. Well, here's the thing, because I was trying to figure out why I was like. I go, man, that was. It was really crazy. And, you know, when you go, I've always felt like this. I don't know if you have, but when you do New York and la, even if you have a big venue and it's packed, sometimes you're like, yeah, the crowd was kind of like, they were good, but they're. You don't feel like, man, that crowd was great almost, because you go, well, they know they're the primary market of the world. So there's almost like an air of like, yeah, like, we're here talking. You better be great. Right? Like, we got a lot of options here, man. Like, that's kind of like how I feel in LA and New York sometimes. I've had great shows in both cities, but that's. You walk out sometimes, you're like, that was like, fine. Like, that's how I felt when I did the Forum.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

The forum, to me, felt like they were, like, they were good, but they were also kind of like, okay. So I was like, you know, I know this is sold out. It's packed, and I have a crazy lineup, but I was like, I wonder how they're gonna be, like, how they're gonna be as an audience. That was really the only thing in my mind. They were like. Christina pointed out to me. I was like, dude, was she there? She went there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Boys, come.

[Tom Segura]

No, just. She just flew up for it. But she goes. I go, what? I go. They were. So they were doing. They weren't just, like, energetic. It was like, after every bit, they would cheer.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You know, I was like, I feel like it was like a special taping. And she goes. I think they know it's a big deal that you're at msg, so they're telling you, like. Like, we are. We're responding in a way that's, like, special, because we know it's special that you're at this venue.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, Red man was a surprise, and he just.

[Bert Kreischer]

Not for you.

[Tom Segura]

No, no, I'm saying for them.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like. I was like, you didn't know?

[Tom Segura]

I knew, but, like, when he walked out, like. So I introduced him. Like, I got a special surprise, and he came out to time for some action and then did like, a. A mix mash set. I mean, it was fucking nuts. And then all my. The comics were surprised. Nobody knew. So, like, I bring up Chris. Stefano.

[Bert Kreischer]

Chris. He's doing. I got to say this, Chris Stephano is doing Madison Square Garden, September 11th this year.

[Tom Segura]

He has the best September 11th story I've ever.

[Bert Kreischer]

The best one ever. So keep going.

[Tom Segura]

So no, so he had an incredible set. Then he brings up Diaz, which just insane. I mean, it's insane. He's wearing sweatpants, and he's got a band aid on his ear. We're like. Like, you walk into the gate at an airport, and he's. He just. And we're like, what do you, like? Chris asked. He's like, oh, you have, like, a set list. He's like, I don't know what I'm gonna do. Like, five minutes before he just wings it. And then. Yeah, I came out, and it was like. It felt like, you know, when you type a special, you tape one, and it's like they're amped up more than normal. That's what the whole set felt like. So it was. Yeah, it was really, really fun.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's so fucking awesome.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it was very Very fun.

[Bert Kreischer]

And now how much more touring are you doing?

[Tom Segura]

So I tour through the spring. I have the.

[Bert Kreischer]

You just added fall dates, Right.

[Tom Segura]

But I have the summer off. Completely off.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I'm taking summer off. I'm going back. I go. When do you start?

[Tom Segura]

I start back up August 28th. So I only have one gig in, In June. Like, that's like, just happens to be there. But I have basically June off, July.

[Bert Kreischer]

Nowhere near each other on these tour dates. I start September 18th as well, and.

[Tom Segura]

Then I go into December, and then I'm done.

[Bert Kreischer]

By the way, if you want to see Tom do Stand up live, this is your last opportunity. I'm being dead serious, and you know that I'm kind of accurate. You will not, you will not tour easily for another two years after this. Easily. And I will be, I will be shocked if you tour at all ever again.

[Tom Segura]

Ever again.

[Bert Kreischer]

Me, I'm gonna be out there for a while.

[Tom Segura]

I love doing stand up, though.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know, but you'll do it at home and you're not gonna tour.

[Tom Segura]

I can already tell. Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Permission to party. War tour starts for me September 18th, I think, as well.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. In the way.

[Bert Kreischer]

Permission to party. Permission to party. I meant hard rock. I'm at, I'm at Red Rocks October 1st, I think, or October 4th. But yeah, I'm excited. I'm excited to get back on the road. I just started doing stand up again, and it feels fucking great. I said to myself, I literally. We had this talk about, about ourselves doing stand up.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I was like, I don't know. I, I, I just was like, I don't know. Am I going to just keep doing this? And I go, I got one more special. You know what? I'll do this stand up. We talked about this the other week, and I said, I'm going to do this hour, do this tour. I'm gonna record that special, and then I may be done. I actually said that. And then I went on stage in Vegas and I went, oh, fuck, I forgot how much I love this.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is, this is everything I am. I actually said, I actually started going through, like, what I could get rid of. It's curious. I'm curious to hear your answers. And I wonder if I've said this to you, what I could get rid of. Okay. Yeah, first, first thing I get rid of is acting.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I would if you said, you got to pick. We're emptying the boat. I get rid of acting first, then burcast, then Something's Burning, then Two Bears, then stand Up. That's. That's my list.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

What would you be. Would you get rid of Stand up or your mom's house?

[Tom Segura]

Fuck, man. I don't want to get rid of either one.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no. You got to empty the boat. What's the most important to you? Because I started thinking, you know, I feel like I'm Especially in promoting this special, Lucky, that's streaming right now on Netflix. In promoting the special, I felt very overexposed. I felt like I was everywhere and I was bothering me because I don't want to be doing all that. But you have to do it, because some guy might see all of them. But there's a guy who just watches one thing. Watches his good morning mythical kitchen. Yeah, he doesn't. And so I felt overexposed, and I was like. I was like, man, if I just. What if I just got rid of some stuff?

[Tom Segura]

You can get rid of some stuff.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I just go, what if I just did stand up? Like, Louie, I just did stand up. You know, that's a big conversation happening in New York right now is a lot of comics that we respect, like Colin, Quinn, and Louis and the older guys are all like, you guys should all get rid of your podcasts. They're like, you're not journalists. You shouldn't be talking about politics.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You shouldn't be talking about world events. And these funny thoughts you have, you should be writing them down and should be trying them on stage, and you'd be a better comic.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, I don't disagree with them.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I mean, luckily, I don't say that much funny stuff on podcasts, so I'm not burning too much.

[Tom Segura]

Well, hopefully we don't have to empty the boat.

[Bert Kreischer]

Isn't the two Bears one caveat?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I can get you one.

[Bert Kreischer]

Thanks.

[Tom Segura]

You like it?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I do.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. You like hats?

[Bert Kreischer]

I like hats.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. Okay. All right. All right, let's wrap it up. We got to do. Man.

[Bert Kreischer]

Bad thoughts.

[Tom Segura]

April 15, May 13.

[Bert Kreischer]

Permission to party. World tour. September 18. Tom Segura, if you want to see him live before he retires. Wait, I mean, we're on Rockford at the same day. Oh, that's my schedule. I'm in Rockford September 18th. Yeah. Yeah. Milwaukee. St. Paul, Minnesota Duluth. Eugene, Oregon. I'm doing Eugene, Oregon.

[Tom Segura]

That's cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

And red rocks. October 3rd. October 1st.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Salt Lake City, Idaho Falls. Nampa, Idaho.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, how's your new stuff? You have to have a new thing, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

New hour.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's awesome.

[Tom Segura]

Is it?

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, I did two hours the other night, Jesus. I did two hours and I have the best joke I have. See, this is the thing that sucks about me on podcast is like, because I was talking to Defano and he's like, yeah, you can tell a joke on a podcast and then use it. Your special. I go, I can't. If I did one. One time with you. One time with you. I said, took a shit next to a dude in Japan that was so bad, the guy in the stall next to me threw up. And you laughed. And then I said, and I was in Japan. I thought he was trying to talk to me. And you laughed even harder. And I tried it the next week on stage, and I watched a dude in the audience go, so that's why I save all my good thoughts. So if you think I suck, it's because I try to see, keep my good thoughts.

[Tom Segura]

There are people like, who go, oh, you've talked. I've gotten messed. You talked about that stuff in the podcast. I'm like, yeah, now it's a stand up bit.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it's not the same. I try to keep anything stand up out of the podcast.

[Tom Segura]

That's smart. All right, we gotta run.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love you.

[Tom Segura]

Love you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Bye. Bye. Burt and Tom. Tom and Bert. One goes topless while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Burts the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call two bears, one cave.