Bert HIJACKED The Emmys Party | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Summary

Podcast Summary: Bert HIJACKED The Emmys Party | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Released on September 30, 2024, by YMH Studios, "2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer" is a weekly comedic conversation between best friends Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer. In the episode titled "Bert HIJACKED The Emmys Party," the duo delves into Bert's wild experiences at the Netflix Emmys party, explores cultural music genres, reflects on personal challenges, and engages in their characteristic humorous banter.

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1. Bert's Emmys Party Antics

Bert recounts his amusing and somewhat chaotic experience at the Netflix Emmys party. From inadvertently responding with curt messages that went viral to navigating interactions with celebrities like Ron Howard and Timothy Olyphant, Bert paints a vivid picture of the event's dynamics.

• Bert on Being Misunderstood:
  "[01:24] I met this guy at the Emmys party, and someone introduced us. I said, 'Do you speak Spanish?' because I wanted to talk about Narco Corridos, and he replied, 'Yeah, English too.' I was like, what the fuck?"
  (Bert Kreischer, [01:24])

• Encounter with Ron Howard:
  "[03:04] Ron Howard saw me eating short ribs and was genuinely friendly. He even tasted the food I offered, showing his down-to-earth nature."
  (Bert Kreischer, [03:04])

2. Exploring Narco Corridos

The hosts delve into the genre of Narco Corridos, a Mexican music style that often narrates the lives and actions of cartel members. Bert shares his fascination with the rhythm and storytelling, despite not fully understanding the Spanish lyrics.

• Bert on Narco Corridos Fascination:
  "[03:28] It's like gangster hip hop on steroids. The specificity in names and events makes it intense and captivating."
  (Bert Kreischer, [03:28])

• Tom's Insight on the Genre:
  "[02:45] Many Narco Corrido artists are intimately connected with cartels, sometimes even collaborating with them to craft songs."
  (Tom Segura, [02:45])

3. Interactions with Celebrities and High-Profile Guests

Bert navigates multiple parties, including those hosted by Disney and UTA, where he interacts with notable figures such as Bob Iger and Nikki Glaser. His candid observations and humorous encounters highlight the blend of glamour and absurdity at these events.

• Bert's Take on Bob Iger:
  "[07:16] Bob Iger is a stud. He's 6'1", jacked, 73 years old, and undeniably exudes success."
  (Bert Kreischer, [07:16])

• Encounter with Nikki Glaser:
  "[19:03] Nikki was in great shape and had such a tight back. That's my takeaway from Nikki."
  (Bert Kreischer, [19:03])

4. Philosophizing on Death: Instant vs. Gradual Passing

A significant portion of the episode is devoted to a deep and humorous debate on whether one would prefer to die instantly or be aware of their impending death over time. The conversation intertwines personal anecdotes with philosophical musings.

• Bert's Dilemma:
  "[23:28] Would you rather not see it coming? Like being eaten by a shark or hit by a bus? But then I think, you only die once."
  (Bert Kreischer, [23:28])

• Tom's Reflection:
  "[25:10] Watching someone go through a slow death process, like battling cancer, is incredibly tough and filled with suffering."
  (Tom Segura, [25:10])

5. Personal Struggles: Self-Talk and Body Image

Both hosts open up about their battles with self-image and the internal dialogue they engage in. They discuss strategies for positive self-talk and the challenges of overcoming negative self-perception.

• Tom on Self-Talk:
  "[44:49] When I feel low, I try to remember how I'd talk to someone I care about, encouraging myself to recognize the effort I'm putting in."
  (Tom Segura, [44:49])

• Bert's Admission:
  "[44:55] I used to be massively obese and felt more confident then. Now, I struggle with delusional thoughts about my body."
  (Bert Kreischer, [44:55])

6. Social Media Shenanigans and Content Creation

The conversation shifts to the dynamics of social media, with Bert sharing his experiments with "fake live" streams to promote content. They discuss the viral potential and the humorous outcomes of these attempts.

• Bert on Fake Lives:
  "[58:44] When I went fake live, people started flooding my phone with calls and texts. It was a powerful tool for engagement."
  (Bert Kreischer, [58:44])

• Discussion on Shannon Sharp Sex Tape Rumors:
  "[58:03] Do you believe the rumors about Shannon Sharp accidentally going live during a sex tape?"
  (Bert Kreischer & Tom Segura, [58:03])

7. Closing Banter and Future Topics

The episode concludes with light-hearted banter, touching on their favorite Internet content, upcoming tour dates, and playful teasing about personal quirks.

• Bert's Favorite Internet Content:
  "[67:30] I love the cruel but hilarious comments on videos. It's entertaining to see the roasting in the comments section."
  (Bert Kreischer, [67:30])

• Future Discussions:
  "[66:43] Next episode, we'll talk about new people on Instagram we're falling in love with, including a beloved cooking segment."
  (Tom Segura, [66:43])

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Notable Quotes:

• "You're the most boring individual you'll ever meet."
  — Bert Kreischer to Tom Segura ([07:33])

• "If you could create more content, that would just allow people to fun roast me in the comments."
  — Bert Kreischer ([67:30])

• "This is my pussy."
  — Bert Kreischer ([65:36])

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Conclusion:

"Bert HIJACKED The Emmys Party" offers listeners a blend of hilarious anecdotes, deep reflections, and the unmistakable chemistry between Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer. From navigating high-profile parties to delving into personal struggles, the episode provides both laughter and introspection, making it a standout installment in the "2 Bears, 1 Cave" series.

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Stay Connected:

For more episodes and updates, visit tomscurra.com and follow Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer on their social media platforms.

Transcript

[A]

Attention, New York City. I'm bringing my Come Together tour to Madison Square garden on Saturday, March 29, 2025. Tickets and all upcoming tour dates at tomscurra.com tour 100%.

[B]

Cheers.

[C]

Welcome to another episode of Two Bears One Cave. I'm Tom, and I'm here with the grand wizard of the Ku Klux Klan, Bert Kreischer. Felt fun to do a little throwback. How you doing, Bert?

[B]

I was called a racist last night.

[C]

Oh, you. In person.

[B]

In person.

[C]

Who? The notable person?

[B]

No, no, it was his dude at the Emmys party. We went to the Netflix Emmys party, and I met this. This guy who's. I don't know how to. I don't know the right way to do this, but he's a Latino dude. And I. And I. Someone introduced us, and I said, hey, how you doing? He's like, pretty good. And I said, hey, do you speak Spanish? Because I wanted to talk him about this music that I'm into called Narco Carridos. And I go, do you speak Spanish? And he goes, yeah, English too. And I went, okay. I was like, what the fuck? How did I get into this?

[C]

Yeah, I see one of those guys.

[B]

And then I was like, no, I know, I was. And he was like, yeah, I was born in. But I grew up in la. And I was like, okay. And then I was like. And then I noticed he has a little bit of an accent, so maybe I guess he's. I don't know. But I was like, now I'm on my heels the entire time. Yeah, I just wanted to talk to you about narco karitos and go. And I just wanted to connect. And now I'm a. But so, yeah, it's fun to.

[C]

You're into narco corridos?

[B]

Do you know it?

[C]

Yeah, sure. It's very popular, dude.

[B]

It's awesome. Now here's the interesting thing, Tom. I can't tell if I'm into narco corridos or just corridos because I don't know what they're saying.

[C]

Well, yeah, it would definitely change some of the music for you if you. What they were saying. But, I mean, explain to people who don't know. Know like, what. What these are.

[B]

Okay, so Narco Kitos is KOS music, but sang about the cartels. And so it's very specific. I mean, from what I understand. But I can't understand the music. So I don't speak Spanish, but from what I understand, a lot of narco caro singers have been murdered by cartels.

[C]

This is true. And also a lot of guy. A lot of narco trafficantes. A lot of the actual guys, you know, doing this.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Will sometimes even if they want a song about them, they'll just go to the artist, pay the artist. Make a song about me.

[B]

No.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I didn't know that.

[C]

Here's 80 grand. Make a badass song about how I don't. You can't with me. And then they'll be like, you got it. And then they'll make a song about that guy.

[B]

That's so awesome.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

So wait, so I. I got into it because there's this one guy who's friends with Tupac who got murdered in, like, 1993. He was like. And the cartels came up to him right before he show. They handed him a note, and they're like, you sing this song and we kidnap you and we kill you. Do not sing this song anymore. Because apparently they're, like, very specific about dates and places and people's names.

[C]

Yeah. It is everything.

[B]

Like, it is gangster hip hop on steroids.

[C]

It's way other level. Yeah, yeah. It's not like ours here. It's his names and places and, like, remember when you drove up to this place, to the bus stop, and you saw the foot hanging from the overpass? That was me. Yeah. Yeah. It's real specific.

[B]

It's super specific. But for whatever reason, I really enjoy the rhythm of it and the. And I don't know why, but I like. I get excited when I catch a word. I know, Like. Like bo, you know?

[C]

Yeah, I got it. Yeah.

[B]

I go, oh, there's a little poor boy on the bus.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

And. But I've been. I've been fascinated by. It's all I've been listening to.

[C]

That's interesting.

[B]

Yeah. I don't know what it is. If. Is it. Is it the accordion that I'm liking? The.

[C]

I don't know. I mean, it's very. It's. That's a very Mexican genre, you know.

[B]

It'S the best way to pull up to fucking valet glaring narco corridos. And they're like, oh, one might accuse.

[C]

You of racism there. Let me ask you about the other. About the Emmy part. I mean, you know what? I didn't realize. I did. You're going to laugh at this because you know me.

[B]

What?

[C]

So wme, the agency that I'm with sent me an Emmy invitation to their party. This is like, a few weeks ago. And it says, like, you know, we would like to blah, blah, blah. And so I wrote back in all caps, hard pass. And I didn't realize that I had cc'd the company. So, like, everybody saw me write hard fucking pass. And I just got, like, a hundred replies of people laughing and people being like, got it. And I was like, oh, shit. I thought I was replying to my agent's assistant. I was like, who would want to go to this fucking bullshit? So. But I'm curious, like, yeah, because to me, I mean, I also know that we approach going out differently, but to me, it sounds like a goddamn nightmare to go to one of those. What is it actually like?

[B]

It is. It is really fascinating. It really is fascinating because there's a little bit of ego death in it because you realize, first of all, it's. It's all celebrating the people getting nominated and winning Emmys. So it's not like, even as famous you may be if you're not in that game. And then you watch people, like, they're. I. I mean, I honestly, I was writing down jokes all weekend just about personality traits, what's really wild, and I'm not on them. I would probably do the same thing. But I'm just gonna say, people show up to the Emmys with their Emmy, who won it two days ago. So, like, grips who won an Emmy, they bring it with them to the party. Yeah, like, they got it two days ago at the. At the grip Emmys, and they all got them.

[C]

Grip Emmys. Yes.

[B]

Or whatever the fuck it is.

[C]

So for people. Hold on. For people that don't know, they give away the Emmys basically on separate days. There's the televised portion that gives away. There's the one. Yeah. Usually that's the one where you see, like, best actor, best writer, and all this. And then they have another field of categories. They don't have time to air them all on television, so they host a separate one where they'll give it out for other, you know, categories. Yeah. Yes.

[B]

Best. Best. Best guy that made it sound like it was raining.

[C]

Yeah. All those guys. Yeah.

[B]

And so. But those guys all show up with their actual Emmys. Like, they bring their Emmy with. They.

[C]

I find a hard time even considering that you wouldn't have it with you.

[B]

Well, first of all, I'd never be in that category. Like, no. Yeah. So I'm going to be in the front. The big. The big face Emmys. So, like. Like, when I. When an Emmy. I got it.

[C]

I got it.

[B]

By the way. I'll be on insufferable. I'll be insufferable.

[C]

I Can't even begin to wait.

[B]

Hold on. I, I, I, this is, There's a lot to unpack.

[C]

You might have it like attached to a chain that you have made so that it's actually a medallion that has big.

[B]

They're big as they're big. They're big. I saw a couple grips walking in with their Emmys. And, and because it was funny, the Emmys wasn't over yet. And I was at Cotty's party. So there were three parties. I went to, I went to uta's party. I went to Netflix's party.

[C]

Oh my.

[B]

And then Cotty, Cotty, my sister Cotty runs events at Disney. She play. She does the Emmys party. She does the Emmys party. So she's throwing a party for Disney. So I go to hers because it's my sister, my little sister. So, so the. Okay.

[C]

Is this why you had a suit on?

[B]

Yeah, I had two suits I had to wore. I wore our two bears suit to the UTA party and then I wore a slick ass black suit last night.

[C]

Oh, this is a separate night.

[B]

I, yeah, two nights.

[C]

I was gonna say if you change suits on the same night, I don't know you anymore.

[B]

No.

[C]

So. Okay.

[B]

By the way, my suit, My suit still fits.

[C]

That's good.

[B]

Yeah, I know. I was just like, I was shocked because I was like, I feel like I'm only 235. I haven't gained any weight. I just, I feel like I'm fat as so, so UTA party. I show up and I've done this twice. And I really regret that I do it because all my pictures look suspect. I brought my own drink and I have a. So I have a fucking. I have this with me through the Styrofoam cup. Styrofoam. 32 ounce cup full of vodka. So every picture everyone thinks I'm drinking lean. And so Timothy the Oliphant goes, are you drinking lean? And I was like, no. I was like, it's my own vodka. And he was like, it looks like you're drinking lean. By the way, Leanne lost her shit over at the Oliphant. He's perfect. Dude, he is so good looking. He is. His hair is perfect. It's like the perfect color gray. And he. Yeah, put. Type. Put into Timothy the Oliphant. Yeah, type in Timothy Oliphant and Burt Kreischer. If the picture of us is up.

[C]

Oh, this would be very important. Let's get it up. I don't know.

[B]

Oh, that's Leanne. And Timothy Olant. Oh, there you go.

[C]

Yeah, Leanne at the party.

[B]

Yeah, that was at the party.

[C]

Okay. Oh, there you are.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah, he's guy dude.

[B]

He's a good looking guy and he wears a suit well. And there I am with a glass of lean and my gold teeth. I'm a mess. Anyway, it's interesting because I'm the wrong person for these parties because I do get overwhelmed by celebrity.

[C]

You so get over. You might be the. You might as well just be like from a small town in fucking Iowa. The way that you meet celebrities, it's unfucking real. You shake and you're like, oh, my God, oh my God, oh my God. And you. And then you're like.

[B]

You're so good.

[C]

You're so good. You actually blew me away with your performance.

[B]

Listen to this. I'm gonna just play this and you're gonna hear the. You have it recorded. This is. This is my worst one. Okay, you ready?

[C]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Ron Howard, get over here. You gotta try this shit. Good. Hey, Ron Howard, you gotta try this.

[C]

Okay, we'll do you.

[B]

Don't just put it right in your mouth. O. I freaked Ron Howard. The out I got.

[C]

I have so much anxiety listening to your clip.

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[C]

Which cl. Which party was that?

[B]

That's it. The Disney one. The Disney one was pretty sick. Now, don't let me forget to tell you about the Netflix one, because that is the funnest. That was the wildest party. And hang on. So Disney is Cotty's party. UTA was great. We hung out with Timothy O. The whole time.

[C]

And these are separate nights.

[B]

Thursday or Friday and Sunday or Saturday and Sunday. I don't know, whatever. Friday and Sunday. Friday and Sunday.

[C]

Okay?

[B]

So Uta 1 was a blast. But I just saw my agents and we hung out with Timothy Oliphant because Leanne's a huge fan of Deadwood and so. And she's in love with Timothy Oliphant. So the whole time we just hung out with him. And he was so fucking cool. So fucking cool. So fucking cool. And so we had a great time. We got hammered and came home. We go to the Disney one. Ron Howard is by himself. He has no assistance, no security. He's by himself, like, on his phone, like, typing in things, but by himself, just hanging out. And I see him and I'm like, guys, fucking Ron Howard. And he's like. And then he kind of, like, looks up and he sees me and he smiles. And I was like, yeah. And Leanne goes, you took a general meeting with him one time? And I was like, did I? I have no recollection of it. That's why I was like. As soon as she said that, I went, so why do I get so freaked out over celebrity when I don't remember meeting them? Like, I don't remember. I never remember. I have no recollection of meeting Ron Howard. But I took a general meeting with him one time, and I. But I'm. I see him, then I go. I got so excited. So we go over Adam Perry. Adam Perry. Lang is like, big barbecue chef, big friends with Jimmy Kimmel, okay? And he's got a whole set up. The Disney one was sick. The Disney one had to cost, like $20 million. It was so fucking sick. Bob Iger is there. Let me tell you something. Bob Iger is a fucking stud. He is the definition of a fucking stud. He is 6:1. He is jacked. He is 73, and he's worth a billion dollars, and he smells like it. Bob Iger is a stud, Tom. I only didn't lose my on Bob Iger because I was afraid it cost my sister her job. Bob Iger walked in the room, and my dick got harder.

[C]

That'd be so funny if she called. I got fired today. Oh, yeah. I don't know what happened.

[B]

Dude, Bob Iger walk. He carries himself with an air. Like, an air of just intensity. I mean, he walked in, dude. I watched him walk by huge celebrities and not even say hi to them. Not just walk right past them. And I was like, whoa. So anyway, Ron Howard. Ron Howard is like the sweetest guy alive. He. Honestly, Tom, he's. He. Look, he acts like a little brother at a Little League game, wanting to hang. Like, he just was like this, like, real bouncy. So I go to. Over to the. I see this. The fucking ribs, the short ribs that Adam Perry's making. And I'm like, I gotta get one. He cuts me a slice, and you know me, I roll over. I'm like, dude, that fucking gets my dick hard. And this guy's like. And, you know, a chef wants to hear that shit. So he cuts me off a big piece. He goes right to the mouth. I go right to the mouth, put it in my mouth. And I see. I see Ron Howard, Rod Howard, just stand inside. I go, ron Howard, you gotta try this. He's like, well, okay.

[C]

I know this because I just saw you document it.

[B]

Yeah. He comes over and he's like. He eats it, and then he takes another one, and he goes over to table, and then he, like, makes eye contact with me, and he's like. Like this. Like, the sweetest guy. I was, like, so blown away at just how genuinely wholesome he was as a person.

[C]

It's like a real.

[B]

Been in this business. So then we go over to the Netflix party. Netflix party. Fun. Baby reindeer owned the night. So, like, everyone's in this baby reindeer corner, right? I don't know anyone from baby reindeer. I don't. I didn't watch this show because it gave me anxiety. So I'm like. I'm like. And I'm like. And I have no interest in. I'm at this point, I'm whittling down what makes me Bert and what's wrong with Bert and how I can be cool with what's wrong with Bert. Right.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Part of me really does not care about the Emmys because I'm such. I feel like an outsider anyway.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And I am 51 so I'm like, what am I gonna try to be in that scene? That's not my scene. My scene's comedy. I hung out with Jeff Ross. We smoked weed. Mike. All the people from the Brady Roast were there. So we. I hung out in the back with them, and we smoked weed. And then I go inside, I see Nikki Glaser. Nikki looked fucking insane. I mean. And by the way, I gave her a hug. Nikki's. I mean, her back is so tight. Like, she is in great shape. I was like, that's my takeaway from Nikki.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

I go, what's. I go, leanne, let's hit the dance floor. We go out on the dance floor. Dude, you would have loved this. Love on the Spectrum owned the dance floor.

[C]

Really?

[B]

All the kids from Love on the Spectrum, all their moms, Sophia Vergara and Nikki Glaser, owned that goddamn dance floor. And so you went out there and dancing with autistic kids might be my favorite thing I've ever done in my life. They just, like, walk up and they're like, I don't know you. And you're like, cool. My mom says you're famous. And I was like, awesome. Can I get a picture? Of course, dude. Love on the Spectrum ran the Netflix party. Love on the Spectrum and baby Reindeer ran the next Netflix party.

[C]

Yeah, the baby reindeer won a bunch of things, right? Yeah, yeah. Limited series stuff. It's really good. You should watch it.

[B]

You should. I started watching it make it makes me uncomfortable.

[C]

Yeah, it does, but it's really, really, really good.

[B]

Yeah, but it's not. It's not funny. It just makes me uncomfortable.

[C]

There's funny. It's. There's definitely funny moments in it, but it is. It does come through very real and very uncomfortable. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. But I can't watch shows that I will. I'll tell you what I do is I just Wikipedia and read the Wikipedia and go, yeah, I got it.

[C]

Oh, my God. I watched inside 911. The. Inside the war room, whatever. So it just. It's the 24 hours with Bush, Cheney, Condoleezza Rice. Yeah. Karl Rove and like that. Like. And they just go minute by minute through the day. It's really good. I saw it on Apple Plus. Really good.

[B]

I had the. I had the weirdest thought. Who do you think the best looking hijacker on 911 was?

[C]

You know, would it be Atta.

[B]

Because Mohamed Ata.

[C]

Yeah, he was. He was a. He had a good. He had good jawline, I feel.

[B]

Great jawline.

[C]

Look at that jawline. On ata there, top left. Oh, that's a good jawline.

[B]

All the other pigs.

[C]

I don't know that everybody is celebrating that we're doing this, but. Yeah, I mean, he does. He definitely has cold eyes.

[B]

God, man, he. Yeah, he does. Top right.

[C]

Top right has eyes of like. Yeah, your hard drive's gonna stay with us, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Bottom left. Has. Has. He was talked into it. He has a more innocent face in my opinion.

[B]

Bottom right. Looks like he could fall in love with a Jewish chicken. He would hate to hear that.

[C]

And he would hate. And he would hate himself.

[B]

He would hate himself.

[C]

Family would hate him, too. Yeah.

[B]

Do you think there were any hijackers that were, like, talkative.

[C]

Like, chatty? Like, Chatty Kathy's good personality?

[B]

Yeah. No, no, no. Just like. Like, overshare. Like, you know, like, I overshare.

[C]

Like, who's the closest to Bert on this list?

[B]

Like, do you think there's any of these hijackers that at a dinner.

[C]

Probably. Yeah. All share. Yeah. Yeah. People were always saying that, like, he had big personality, life of the party kind of guy. Yeah.

[B]

Hey, buddy, secret time. We're going to take these buildings down.

[C]

Wow. Yeah, that's.

[B]

Let's see.

[C]

Let's see that.

[B]

I'm not supposed to talk about this. If Mohamed attire heard this. Is that. Is that the right accent?

[C]

That's.

[B]

There are some ugly fucking hijackers.

[C]

Yeah. None of them are, like, striking you as, like, wow, that's a handsome guy.

[B]

No, but Muhammad stood out. Like when they went into the strip club the night before. I heard. The night before they went and hijacked the buildings. They, like, went to strip clubs and shit, right?

[C]

Really? I had no idea about that.

[B]

No. They went to, like, a Dave and Busters and a strip club.

[C]

A David Busters.

[B]

Yeah. And they Americaned it up and they.

[C]

Racked up some points and, like, they.

[B]

They were like these video games. I don't know. Any need to hijack or. No plane. You know, we could just. Do they have a simulator in Dave and Busters. Damn.

[C]

They're so young, man.

[B]

Oh, that's their ages.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I thought that.

[C]

What do you think that was a credit score?

[B]

No, I didn't really. God damn it. They're all in their 20s.

[C]

Yeah, they're super young.

[B]

He was 20 years old.

[C]

That guy's 20. Yeah. Yeah. So young.

[B]

Okay. Would you rather I asked. I asked this to someone Last night. I had a. Went to a dinner party and I thought I said this, and it was really not the best conversation starter. Would you Rather die instantly or be told you're going to die and die that way.

[C]

Well, how you going to die when you be told you're going to die?

[B]

Like, like, like you have Parkinson's or cancer. And you get told.

[C]

And you get slowly die.

[B]

Slowly die. Like maybe over five years or whatever. Maybe. Maybe longer, maybe shorter. Or would you rather not see it coming? Like hit by a bus, plane crash. Yeah, definitely eaten by a shark.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, hold on, think about this. This was. That's what everyone said and then I said, but yeah, but you only die once.

[C]

That's true.

[B]

Right?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

So, like, don't you kind of want to. I mean, if life is about experiences, don't you want to kind of enjoy the experience of dying?

[C]

I mean, what makes you think you're going to enjoy the experience?

[B]

No, no, no. If it don't, if it just goes like this, then what was life about? Right.

[C]

Well, yeah, but that just means you didn't have the time in a moment to reflect. But that doesn't mean that you haven't lived a full life. It's like getting hit by a bus is a painless. I mean, it's terrible, but it's only terrible for people watching it. Like, it's not terrible for you. You don't know anything that happened. If you get Parkinson's or some type of cancer and it's a slow. I mean, yeah, you have time to go like, oh, yeah, I'm going to. This is going to be a process in which I die. And maybe you have thoughts. You know, I mean, I watched somebody do that. I watched my dad go through that. It was fucking terrible to watch. And I think the end is like, it's particular. I mean, it's a lot of suffering.

[B]

Okay, so it's.

[C]

A lot of people go through it. But.

[B]

So then let's take. Let's. Let's reverse engineer that and say if death. If you only die once, your death isn't about you technically, because you're just dying. Your death is about the people you leave behind. Right, True. So then, so then how would you want it? Would you want it to be prolonged so that you could. Hey, you could really almost save. Would you rather your dad die of cancer or hit by a bus?

[C]

Well, sorry, I think he already picked one of those. You have one new voicemail. Hi.

[D]

So you would be so proud of me. I'm hosting Thanksgiving for my friends and I was stressed because I really wanted it to feel just like Michigan, but then I found the same stuffing mix that you use on Instacart. And I ordered instant gravy, canned cranberry. What else? Oh, I got everyone a little butter sculpture shaped like a turkey. All right, I should probably get cooking, but I miss you today. Happy Thanksgiving, Mom. Oh, and you should download Instacart. It's way easier than sending dad to the store. Download Instacart and enjoy free delivery on your first three orders. Service fees and terms apply.

[B]

A hilarious news standup special from comedian, legend and my friend Jim Gaffigan is coming to Hulu just in time for the holidays. Jim Gaffigan The Skinny premieres November 22nd. In this all new hour of comedy, you will see Jim in a whole new light as he gives you the inside scoop on everything from parenting teenagers and gaslighting family members to weight loss and social media in Hulu's very first standup comedy special. Come shed some existential weight and raise a glass with the hilarious event from one of America's most iconic and relatable comics. Whether you've gathered together with your family and friends or need a break from them, everyone needs a happy hour. And who better to give you that than everyone's favorite comedian, Jim Gaffin. See the hilarious new standup special, Jim Gaffigan The Skinny, premiering November 22, streaming on Hulu. Premiering November 22, streaming on Hulu.

[C]

I. No, I get what you mean, because you definitely have time to process it more like it was, you know, by the time he died, I wasn't, like, surprised. You know, you're not, you know, it's happening. So I guess you could make a case that that's, you know, something that you. You put together and figure out. But I think people, the phone call had been, your dad just got hit by a bus. It would be, yeah, it's a different. It's a whole. Because then you also have, I think, a type of resentment that you carry, right? Because you're like, you know, where's this bus driver live? And you know, yeah, how can we ruin his life and all that.

[B]

Oh, that's okay. That's a great second follow up question. Yeah, I mean, hold on, but hold on. Let. That's. I like where you're going because people mourn you more if you die instantly, unexpectedly.

[C]

This is. I know what this is going to. This is all about how you're gonna. You're like, well, I don't know.

[B]

Jesus, man.

[C]

You're just thinking about, maybe I should die quickly because then it'll be a better celebration.

[B]

You got it. That's exactly where my head is.

[C]

I know it is.

[B]

It's all about. Because it's like I get obsessed with death. I'm so obsessed with death that when I hear people.

[C]

The amount that you are obsessed with death kind of freaks me out.

[B]

I know. It's like every day I almost get. This is really a sad thought, but, like, when people say. Like when people talk about their worth, they're raising money for. And they're like, pancreatic cancer. You know, I had a friend who died of pancreatic cancer. When people say they're raising money for suicide, When I hear suicide, I almost go like, oh, thank God. Like, I know I don't have that. Like, I'm not going to catch that one, you know?

[C]

Yeah, yeah. No, no. Yeah.

[B]

I'm not getting suicide.

[C]

If it was. If you died and then they were like, it was a suicide, I would know that there was foul play. Yes, 100%. I would not. I would. I would have to hire PIs and, like, be like, no, no, no. We got to figure out who killed him.

[B]

Wait, would you. Would you really, if for real, if.

[C]

You was the reporter that you had killed yourself a thousand percent.

[B]

And everyone's like, tom, it's closed case. Would you commit a little bit of your time to solve my murder?

[C]

I might commit all my time to doing that. Yeah.

[B]

I would love that.

[C]

I know you would. And then I would. Yeah. And I promise you, because I know you'd want this, that I would make a documentary as I put it together. So I would.

[B]

I will promise you. I swear to God. I swear to God. I would avenge your murder.

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

I would avenge your murder.

[C]

Thank you. I appreciate that.

[B]

I would. I think I was trying to think today, I was watching the Michael Jordan. I always watched Last Dance. Last Dance. When I work out, I just love. I get on the treble to walk and I watch Last Dance. And then I was like, I'm not working hard enough. I put on a weight vest and I walked here to. With a weight vest on today. So, like, I was. But. But Michael Jordan was saying he needed almost like, inspiration to work. He needed things to inspire. He had to pick things that bothered him.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And I was like. I was like. And I. A long time ago, and I don't have it now, by the way. I think I have the exact opposite. But I was like, I said. I think I said to you, like, it was when I was on tour and I was like. I was like, I don't know. I just stopped rooting for myself, like, I didn't feel like I should root for myself anymore. Like, I didn't, because I didn't have any inspiration. I didn't have anything to go after. Yeah. And I was like, what's the best motivating factor? Is it revenge?

[C]

Revenge is great.

[B]

Revenge is fucking awesome.

[C]

Revenge is great. I know. And the best revenge is just. I mean, there's two types, really, right? There's. There's the revenge of hurting somebody who hurt you or somebody, you know? Right. So, like, those types of things where somebody kills somebody and you go, now I'm going to kill you and everybody, you know, that's a type of revenge. But the other type of revenge is just in succeeding, that that's how you get revenge on people without cutting them open.

[B]

To. To allow. Sometimes you have false narratives in your head that, you know, that you end up fighting with. Like, I was fighting with a friend of ours in my head that had pissed me off. He said something sideways to me, and I was fighting with him as I was cleaning off the deck. And then I was like, man. I said to myself, if I could think of statements as powerful as his that he did to me, that forced me to fight the next morning for fucking 45 minutes as I cleaned my deck with him.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Then that's the real victory.

[C]

Mm.

[B]

That's the victory to own territory in someone else's head for the next day. And then I was like, I will not allow that. And so I stopped it. I was like, this is wildly crazy. Wildly crazy. And then Leanne said, this is okay. And this goes to you. I'm trying to not talk as much at, like, parties and stuff. I'm trying to be more quiet and listen to people.

[C]

Hey, Ron Howard. Yeah, yeah, go ahead.

[B]

I got one worse than that. I got one way worse than that.

[C]

Wait, but finish your other thought.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

You said, I'm trying not to.

[B]

And so we go to a dinner party. I'm going to name drop because I think it's an important. No, I'm not going to name drop because it isn't important. And they know who they are, okay? And so we go to this dinner with, like, really famous people. I said, I'm not going to talk. I'm not going to talk. I'm going to listen. And then everyone starts talking. And then I go. I said to myself, they think I'm boring. And I was like, I gotta jump in here somehow. Like, I gotta. I gotta. Okay, I gotta be interesting. Like, I'm an interesting person. Time to be interesting. So I Talked a little bit. I probably over talked a lot. We started talking about FaceTiming, right?

[C]

You just went all over the map on whether you talked a little bit or a lot.

[B]

A lot. We started talking about FaceTiming and like, and they've said that it's just so aggressive. And I, I was like, time to jump in. I was like, I FaceTime everyone. And they're like, what? I was like, I FaceTime everyone. And both two of the people at this party were like, he's definitely FaceTimed me. These kids had FaceTimed me at the UTA party. These boys FaceTimed me and I answered it. And they were like, who the fuck answers a FaceTime? I go, I do. I answer every FaceTime. If you FaceTime me, I can answer it. I don't know who it is. I want to see who it is. I can see the person. And then they're like, and I FaceTime everyone. And we started talking. We had a great time, great dinner, honestly, a great dinner. I think everyone had a good time. I didn't over talk. I did talk a lot, but I didn't over talk. And I noticed also, I was also talking for both of us because Leanne wasn't talking at all. Yeah, I was like, was like listening or whatever.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

And so the next morning, Leanne goes, man, no one cared about me. And I was like, what? She was like, well, I didn't say anything. And I was like, well, yeah, but that's on you. And she's like, well, I didn't want to interrupt. I didn't want to interrupt anybody. And I was like, well, you can't look for your. You can't. Like, we're not children. No one's going to be like, leanne, what's your opinion on that? Like, you got to just talk.

[C]

No, you're right.

[B]

And then I was like, wait, is me being, Is me trying to be silent? Is that forced behavior and is that now an inauthentic version of me or is it generous? Like when we did the podcast with Dana White, I felt fucking so stupid because I hadn't said anything, but I was interested in what you guys were saying. And then I was like. And then I was like, am I stupid? Like cuz I'm not talking. You know what I mean?

[C]

Yeah, I know what you're saying. And I don't think. I mean, first of all, it's, you know, sometimes you surprise me with your introspective thoughts. I think, I think that it's, it's a Totally valid thing that you're saying. I think that what you're talking about when you go, like, am I being, am I boring right now? Do I need. Like that is. That's a natural, healthy thought to have. But I think the answer is when some, if somebody is saying something that you are interested in, it is, I think, especially as interviewers, like if you're interviewing someone to let, let them, let them hold court. Like just especially like if you've asked something or someone else asked something and you're hearing what you want, like the person open up. I try to give them the floor. Just like, let them talk.

[B]

What is it about you that makes you not talk? Like, do you. Are you comfortable? Like when, if you're having dinner with like say your next door neighbors and him and his wife and you and Push and you guys are having dinner and he's talking and you're listening and say you're not interested. Say the thing he's telling you is not interesting, but you still listen.

[C]

Yeah, no, I'm good at that. I mean, I will listen. I'm not going to follow up to. I'll follow up with something to give them a chance to basically feel interesting.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

But I'm not going to keep pressing on that. But I also don't, like, I really don't care.

[B]

You really don't care?

[C]

I don't care if you think I'm boring. I don't care. I don't care if you walked away and you're just like, that guy doesn't interest. I'm like, I mean, I've had people tell me, they're like, I thought you were like a ditch digger or something. I can't believe that you tell jokes for a living. And I'm like. And I'm like, yeah, I don't care. I don't care what you think. So, yeah, it's just, it's just, it's just how I'm wired, man. I just don't give a shit.

[B]

The Diageo guys came up to me last night at, at, at Disney, at the Disney party. And they were like, hey, we tried your vodka. It's really awesome. And I was like, oh, thank you. And I was. And I got, I was like, thank you. And I started talking to them and they're like, so what's, you know, what's your plan? And I said, you know, what's so funny? I said, I said, you know, when we got into this, I think both of us thought, you know, start a vodka, sell it, make money. Bounce. But I go, tom said something very wise to me. He was like, hey, man, wouldn't it be fun to just own a vodka company for the rest of our lives? And I was like, oh, yeah. And I go. And they said, is he enjoying it? And I said, to, like, 15 people. I go, yes, And Tom is the most boring individual you'll ever meet. And I go, and he's having fun. Tom does not like having fun, but he's having fun. And someone goes, isn't he your friend? And I went, yeah. And Cotty goes, he's being generous right now.

[C]

True.

[B]

But, like, like, you really don't care. You don't care if people find you interesting. You don't care if people dislike you. You don't care if people want to talk to you. You just can exist. And I am so fucking opposite. Yeah, we just.

[C]

We have. Do we have totally different makeups in that regard, but it's actually, it's good. That's why we're a good team together, because we have. We have totally different characteristics and, you know, that's how we operate. Well, like, I especially. It's fun for me to do live events with you and stuff, because we're not the same.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah, we are the same.

[B]

We are the same in a weird way. Like, we have. I think things make us giggle. The same.

[C]

Yeah, we. We always laugh about a lot of things. The same. We enjoy. We enjoy. And I enjoy you. I enjoy being around you. But, yeah, with that, with socializing, you know, I'd rather leave, man. I'm just being like most. I've gone to dinner parties and I'm just like, I gotta get the out of here. Like, I just, you know, I'm more concerned, honestly, with, like, how, like, inner circle people feel about me than I am about, like, neighbors and, like, you know, I mean, like, it's like if someone I meet, like, doesn't care for me, I'm just like, well, I don't care what you think. I don't. I don't barely know you. I don't. Yeah, this isn't. We're not in a friendship. This is not a relationship we have.

[B]

What's interesting is that I didn't.

[C]

And I like to leave meetings, too. Like, when Meetings what. When I meet, like, I have a meeting with somebody and I. You know, you can always sense when meetings are going well.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And when they're not. And in either case, I can't wait to get the out of there. Like, I just go, well, that was great. And then I leave right away. Yeah.

[B]

Really?

[C]

Yeah. I'm like, that was great. Let's, like.

[B]

Let's.

[C]

Maybe we'll see each other again. Yeah. Bye.

[B]

I wish I had that. I wish I had more of that.

[C]

You, like. But the other thing is, you get, like, intoxicated by, like, social settings. Like, you're a true extrovert, man. You're a real extrovert.

[B]

Extroverts energy from that.

[C]

Energy from, like, you're always like, well, let's stay here. Let's keep this going. Have more people come over. And I literally am like, can you remove people from the room? Like, so.

[B]

Oh, Leanne couldn't get me out of the Netflix party last night.

[C]

I can only imagine.

[B]

I was like. And then. And I talked to someone who was like, they were drunk, and they were the exact. They were. Me. They were drunk, and they were just fucking oversharing. And I was like, oh, this is a life lesson. Pay attention, birds. Like your fucking mouth.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

The. I didn't realize how much time I was going to be spending with Leanne when the girls left.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah. You're like, it's. It's kind of weird. We're. We're together a lot.

[B]

I've said it. I've said it a number of times, and I don't know if I've ever said it on this, but I've said it in passing. If I had known I was going to spend this much time with her, I would have married a dude. Like, it's like. It's, like, fucking wild. And she doesn't get my sense of humor all the time. Like, she. We went to a Sturgill Simpson concert this weekend. On Saturday night. We had the wildest weekend.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And there were two gay guys in front of us just making out the entire concert. And I was like. I was like, you can't. Not that you can't do that. Like, I know you're allowed to do that, even if you were. And then I was like. I said to Leanne, I was like, what the fuck? I was like, it's country music. They're ruining country music for me. They're just fucking macking down on each other. And Leanne's like, stop it. You're being homophobic. I said, it has nothing to do with homophobia. I was like, if it was fat people in front of us, it would be ruining it instead. I'm not attracted to it. Look, if it's two chicks doing it, it would make the concert better. Or if it was, like, a beautiful Guy and a beautiful girl would make the concert better is it doesn't turn me on. So it's pissing me off.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And I was like, if I'd married a dude would have gotten it.

[C]

He would have gotten it. He would have totally understood it. Yeah. Chicks, man. I know. I told Christina last night, cuz like whenever I'm self loathing, which I was yesterday, I. I want a. I want a certain type of empathy. And she never does it instinctively. So as she was talking to me about my self loathing, I go, can I tell you something? This is what I want you to do when I do this. Whatever your instinct is, ignore it. Ignore all your initial instincts. And she was like, that's really nice. I go, yeah, whatever you think, do the opposite. And she was like, great. And then she goes, I just. How about I don't talk? And I go, perfect. Yeah.

[B]

Wait, wait. What does your self loathing look like?

[C]

My self loathing? Because I go, I feel like I always have. It varies, but there's good days and bad days of body issues. You know what I mean? There's days where I'm looking in the mirror and I feel good about myself and then it can be 24 hours later and I don't. And I was just in that thing where I was just beating myself up.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And she was just like, you know, what do you think? I go, you're not my fucking psychoanalyst, okay? Like, I don't want you to do this. And she's like, I don't know what to do. I go, just do the opposite of what you think you should do.

[B]

Yeah. If I. What, what triggers those body issues? Because I'm. I deal with them too. And I. And I can't tell if.

[C]

But that's the thing. What I, what I told her is that it's like almost the exact conversation. I think that my body issues are not necessarily spawned by this. A certain type of trigger. It's like, here's what I can relate it to that I think will make a lot of sense to you. You know how when you're on tour, you never feel this way about your act? What happens is you go like this. You have days where you're like, I feel great about what I'm doing. Like I, you know, I mean, like I'm. You just. You like what you're doing. And then there's the days where you're just like, man, like you're full of self doubt and you're just kind of like self critical. I Suck and you know, I mean like that. And I feel like it's very much like that. It's not a constant thing. And there's. There are peaks and valleys to it and you probably could dive into like, well, what. But I just feel like it's. It's like life in that it's not a constant. It's up and it's down. And so there's just, you know, I don't sit in the self loathing for a long, like, for days. It's just like moments. It's moments that pass where you're like. It's so bizarre, I think, with body stuff because it can literally be 24 hours apart. Like I can, you know, my. It sounds probably like I have dysmorphia. But what I'm saying is like, you just feel good and you're like, you know what I like. You look good, buddy. Like you're, you know, that kind of thing. And then I don't know, the next day you just catch an angle in a mirror or something. You're like, oh, fuck, I look like shit. And then when I do that, what I don't like is when I do that and it gets negated by whoever is around. I'm just like, don't fucking make me feel like I'm not. You know, it's not a valid critique of myself, you know.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Which they're probably just being helpful and nice, but I'm just like, don't you fucking do that to me. So it's. Yeah, it's just like. It's not positive self talking. Right. And I, and I try, I try not to sit in it. I don't like to do. I'm not saying it in this poor me way. It's more like I'm just not happy with what I'm seeing, if that makes sense.

[B]

No, I feel like I was more confident about my body when I was massively obese.

[C]

Then that's, that's. But do you think you were tricking yourself? Like, were you delusional or were you just.

[B]

I think I was delusional. I think I'm crazy. I actually think I'm crazy. Like, for real. Like, I was telling someone, if I, If I, if I was. If I was me on like a Viking longship or like trying to cross the Northwest passage in the 1700s, they'd be like, that guy on the boat is out of his mind.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, there's no way. They'd be like, no, he's neurodivergent. They would be like, and so I have issues with my body now that I go. And I'm. And I. Like, I can convince myself it's so stupid. And, like, my eating, it'll trigger it. I used to eat like fucking shit. And then last night at the Netflix party, you know, I'm keto. And they bring out. They bring out fucking In N Out burgers. Oh, dude.

[C]

Did you have one?

[B]

I had to go to different people to get new ones because they, like, I said one for person, you know, they didn't make like a thousand of them. And I was like, oh, cool. So I got one. And I was like, can I get my wife one? And they're like, yeah. And then I went to Leanne. I eat both of them. I go, hey, they got in and out burgers. See if you can grab two for us. And then she went over and she grabbed two. And then I went back, and the guy goes, you've had like, four of them. And I was like, I've had three, first of all. And they're like, I know. We're trying to, like, spread them out for everyone. You know, the love on the spectrum. Kids want them. And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I went to this other person and they're like, in N Out burger. And I was like, oh, yeah, can I get one for my wife? And they're like. And then I woke up this morning going, what did I do? Like, and if I drink enough or smoke enough weed, I forget that I did it. And then. And then I'm smoking weed before I go to bed, like, almost like Michael Jackson did. I'm like, I'm hitting a vape pen like, four or five times and then getting in bed and racing it to sleep. And then I sleep amazingly.

[C]

Yeah, that's good. That's good. Yeah. I mean, I don't know. Also, I should say that, like, with Christina in particular, like, she's always just trying to help me when I do. When I do that stuff, it's me just being. Not wanting to hear it. Know.

[B]

Yeah, I wish I had, like, a. Like, I know I have it. I know I can find it. I know I had it. But, like, I saw these chicks come out when we were in Vegas.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Weren't we just in Vegas?

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah. When we were in Vegas, I saw these chicks come out of the elevator. Really, like, maybe £400. Nice bikinis. Bikinis.

[C]

People really don't give a especially.

[B]

I was like, how did the. I want that. Like, I want that confidence, that blinding confidence. Where you're like, this slaps, baby.

[C]

Like, I don't know, man. I mean, I don't know. I, I should say that, you know, I have, I have gotten good at some self. Self talk in those things too because like, you know what I end up doing, man, when I feel the. I, I end up trying to remember that, like, how would you talk to like somebody that you cared about or like one of your kids? And so I, I end up, I do actually do it. I, I practice the exercise and I'll be like, you know what? Like, you don't. You might not look the way you want to look, but like, you're putting in effort, it's improving. You should be happy that you're, you're, you're focused and like making real effort and you're making progress and it might not be the progress with which you want it to happen. And you know, so like, I try to like self talk and then of course, inevitably at some point I'll just be like, oh, who you kidding? You fucking loser, fat piece of shit. But there's moments of like uplifting self talk that I think is helpful too. Not just critical thoughts.

[B]

Mine. That's wild that when you said, I. If my daughter was talking to herself the way or either my daughters were talking to themselves the way I was talking to myself, I'd be like, what the are you doing? Yeah, don't ever think that way. That's horrific. And, but then I do it and then I'm like, it's also motivating to be critical. To be critical. Don't you wish you were like, oh, who was I just talking to about this? About. Do you remember when we got in a stand up and there were the kids that were like, amazing. I fucking crush that room.

[C]

And they all suck.

[B]

And they all suck.

[C]

They all suck. I remember the guys too. That would be like, don't you like love watching your. He goes like, don't you love watching footage of yourself? And this is like years ago. And I was like, no. He's like, oh, it's my favorite thing. I go, how do you withstand it? He was like, what do you mean? It was like one of the green rooms.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

He's like, I just, I love watching myself perform. Like, I go, no, I have the hardest time watching footage of myself. I don't know how you do. And then, of course, I mean, I thought that guy sucked then. And then, yeah, it's, he's pretty bad.

[B]

I wonder if it's the same guy. There was a. I was watching a guy listen to his act on a head, like, listen to his act and, like, smile before. And he was like, oh, good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, I just watched it live. I didn't have one of those for you.

[C]

But you know what the funny thing is about the body stuff, though, is that you will. We have all these things about, like, self talk and healthy talk, but then you meet, like, certain people, and a lot of times, in my experience, they're athletes. They're people who are in particularly good shape, and they're super critical and super honest. So my thing is like, yeah, you're. You're being. The rest of them are all fucking liars, man. I like that you're being straight up about this, you know, I mean, so I embrace. I. I get that the super critical self talk isn't productive per se, but also you meet like, I have friends that are like real athletes. Like, and they. They do the super critical talk about how hard you're working, what you look like, you know what? And they're. And they'll be like, yeah, that's good. And they'll be like, this is. This shit over here isn't good. You need to fucking do some more squats. Like. And you're like, oh, yeah. Like, how come everybody else. It feels like, like what you're saying is the bad thing to say. You're just being honest, actually, you know.

[B]

And, you know, I keep going back to comedy, but there are people who are so delusional about their sets and who they are that you're like. And you're like, what? Like, I go, I just wish I had an ounce of it. I wish I had an ounce of it just to get through the rough parts of life where you're like. Where you wake up and you're like, I keep pushing off. I keep postponing going back on the road because I'm. I'm like, I'm not fixing anything. I'm not slowing down. I'm not doing anything to grow myself. I can't go back on the road yet. So I keep pushing it. I mean, I'm still doing good, though. I'm doing Vegas, but. Or I did it, I guess already, but. But like, But I think with my. With not getting on stage and not doing standup and I'm trying to distance and just write, but I'm not living. And then I go, like, how are these people, like, so fucking wildly confident? Like, it's almost like Christianity. Like, they just, like, it's like a. Like a Like an air of superiority. And I go, I wish I had just a little bit to wake up with, you know?

[C]

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, yeah, some people have an incredible belief in. In there and. Or delusion in themselves. I mean, I will say this about Stand Up. My. My last. I. I've said it to you before. The way I'm touring now has made this so much more fun for me. My. My weekend that I. I did a couple weekends ago was Eugene, Vancouver. That's one of the most fun weekends I've ever had doing stand up.

[B]

Really?

[C]

It was so fun and I think it fun. I mean, here. Well, I have to say this just because I've heard people both in Stand up and observers of Stand up, this old saying of like, it's never the audience. Okay? It's always the audience. It's not. It's. It's always the audience. So when you show up to these a show and you have audience that is energetic and excited to be there, it becomes, you know, this is a symbiotic thing. It's like you play off each other so they're energized and then it energizes you. So that dance that happens when it's like that, there's just nothing more fun. And so I had that in those three cities, the first ever comedy show at this Eugene amphitheater. They'd never had a comedy show. And it was fucking unbelievable. I had so much fun. Next day was in Vancouver and it was raining and cold and windy. And I was like, I think because I've had multiple of those shows canceled because they're like, yeah, we can't do it. So again, I was like, are we canceling this? And they're like, not in bc. They fucking are. They. They're fine with the rain and all.

[B]

Outdoor shows.

[C]

No, but. But that's part of the outdoor festival, that show. So the Eugene one was outside, just happened to be outside, but the Vancouver one was outside. Weather was like, you gotta be kidding me. And it was packed. We barely. We barely had no shows. Like a couple no shows. I mean, like thousands of people were there sitting in the rain. And then the rain slowed down, eventually stopped. Wendy.

[B]

They.

[C]

But they were like, energized. They were fun. And then Denver is just bonkers. That was.

[B]

Yeah, Denver's always been a big market for you.

[C]

It's insane. It's insane. So that show was like. That's one of those shows where you get off and you're like, that felt like a taping. Like, that was.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

You know, like one of those shows. So, I mean, I just. And I think what I'm getting at also is that my pace for the touring of, like, just doing, like, three cities in a weekend as opposed to, like seven that I was doing before. It just makes it so much more fun. Like, you look forward to the shows so much, and then you get this break afterwards so you don't burn yourself out. So you're already like, oh, I can't wait till I go out again. Like, that's just how it feels. Like this. Where am I this weekend? I think Cleveland. Buffalo, Toronto. Is that right?

[B]

Yeah, I think that's a nice little run.

[C]

Yeah. And that's that. But see, like, that's. That's a nice. It's a nice pace.

[B]

I wonder when I'll do Stand up again.

[C]

Well, you're probably gonna just slowly build again, right?

[B]

Yeah. You have your release date.

[C]

You have your date already?

[B]

I might. Release date. I have, but I'm not. I was. I was planning on going out right when I released it, you know, but I think I'm pushing it more. I think I'm pushing it more and more every. Every time I keep.

[C]

Will you do what I do and, like, book some club weekends?

[B]

So what I think I'm going to do and I'm. You know, it's. What I'd like to do is I want to go out for a straight month. Just a month. Do Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, all at clubs, one off. Or do, like, little rock venues, not like theaters, but do clubs and really kind of have fun. Like, I did that during getting ready for the special. Yeah, I took the bus and drove across country and did shows every night, and it was so fucking fun in clubs. It was so fun. And then. And so then I want to do that. And then I want to do. I want to do theaters for, like, do it like a solid theater run where, like. I mean, I would love to go back to arenas, but I don't. I, like, if I go do arenas, I want to have. I want to do an arena run. That's right before. Right before I start to shoot my special. Like, I want to do like. Like, I. Like the arena run I did last year was just. It was a lot because I was doing arenas Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and I was like, it was just a lot. It was a lot. And I. And I want to really enjoy.

[C]

I do think there's something. Having done it one way and the other way, I do think there's something about that Might be fun. And I think you would maybe enjoy of picking the big theater in one of those towns that you would do.

[B]

In a row for the weekend.

[C]

Yes. And doing like five, six shows of like in a 3,000, 4,000, like that type of thing. There's just something about that size for, you know, even though arenas are spectacular. Amazing.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

There's something really fun about doing a run of shows in a theater.

[B]

Dude, when I got. When I did my special, that doing it, I did it in the theater. The Mahaffey. I think that, yeah, Mahaffey and I, it was so different than doing it in arenas. It was so fucking on top and it was like, so there. I was like, God damn it, I miss the theater energy. I love arenas. I love arenas. But man, that theater energy is funny shit. Hey, can we switch subjects and talk about something I've been dying to talk to you about?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Shannon Sharp sex tape.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Do you believe it?

[C]

Do I believe it? Like, do I believe that he accidentally went live like you said?

[B]

Yeah. No, I don't either.

[C]

No, I mean, because here's the only reason I have had my phone in my hand and have ended up on the page that says like, like ready to post, like ready to upload. But there's another step you always have to take, like for going live. Also, you could accidentally have your phone and be like on the live, let's say pre setting. You have to confirm it to go live.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Like, it doesn't. It doesn't compute for anybody that's done it. You know, like, you could take your phone, go to Instagram, try to go live, and you'll see it's a two step process.

[B]

And here's the other thing is that like, I got to tell you a secret now. Okay, there's a secret. And I didn't want to share this, but when this Shannon Sharp thing happened, I went, huh. So in the past, I have been guilty of going fake live.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

I would sometimes I thought it was a cool way to promote things. It they get a fake. An accidental live is so much bigger than a regular live and it draws so much attention. I mean, it really does. So I went fake. I went accidental live one time and immediately Victoria called me and was like, yo, you're live. And my calls, everyone, everyone starts texting everyone I'm around, yo, Bert's live. And they're like, yo, your phone's live. And I went, oh. And I just hit it. Discarded. Nothing. Never heard another word from it. So then one time we're in the car And I was like, I think we had, like. I think we had seats left at whatever, wherever venuer. And so I was like, yo, everyone in the car. I'm going to go fake live right now. Okay. And we're going to talk about the city we're in. And just out of curiosity. So we went fake live in my pocket. I hit live, I hit record. And we all just start talking a little wild. Because people think it's real, right? Everyone. I mean, I'm talking. Everyone's phones blow up in the car. They're like, everyone's calling us. I mean, people you like fucking. Chris Porter's calling me. Like, yo, you're live. Everyone's calling everyone. And those tickets cleaned up within 15 minutes. And I went. I was like, wow, that's a really powerful tool. So when Shannon Sharp, who everyone's called gay from Mike Epps to.

[C]

Yeah, everyone. Yeah, that's the thing is they're like, there's a little sugar in the tank with him. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Little sugar in the tank. When he goes fake live during. When he goes live during sex. I just. I was like, it's a little convenient. And now it's a. It's a little convenient.

[C]

And I'm not little convenient. And like, the. Also, like, the, The. That narrative can be pretty vicious and aggressive.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And like, a natural way to combat that is to be like, no, no. Because one thing is. You go, no, no, no, I like women. Right. Everyone goes, sure. Okay, here's a photo with me with women. And they're like, okay, hey, how about me fucking somebody? Would that make you think differently? And that's what everybody's like, kind of come back with there, you know, because it's like, well, gay guys probably don't do that, so.

[B]

Gay guys don't. Women on accident reporting.

[C]

Yeah. So, yeah, he. He. It is. It's nuts, though. It's. It's a crazy choice. The guy's like 55.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

To be like, I'm going to somebody live on the Internet, it's just. It's nuts, dude.

[B]

But, you know, the, The. The narrative of, of calling him gay is in, in the black community, to call a man gay.

[C]

No, it's like. It's. It's like.

[B]

It's a death sentence.

[C]

Yeah, it's. It's. It's pretty. Like I said, it's kind of vicious the way it's done.

[B]

It's vicious. And it's. And. And they were going after him about that, and they're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But you're gay.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And you. And, like, he couldn't not step in gay.

[C]

There's no way he ran that by anybody, though. That was just one of those things that he cooked up on his own.

[B]

Yeah. And more power to him, you know?

[C]

Tired of people being like, why are you so zesty, Unk? So.

[B]

Oh, Unc's getting after it. That would have been great, though, if he was like. If he was like. If he really was gay and he was starting to have sex with the chick and he's like, oh, God, this is not what I like.

[C]

Don't turn around. Just let me fuck with your asshole real quick.

[B]

Yeah, don't turn around. Goddamn. Stop looking at me.

[C]

Yeah, I want to see your face.

[B]

I want to go fake live. I want to go fake live. I want to go real live and have sex with Leanne and not.

[C]

I was going to say, this seems like a total Burt move. Like. Yeah, if you had. If you put that. Do the same thing. Phone faces the ceiling, and we just get to hear you have sex with the end. I think that would do real numbers for you.

[B]

I.

[C]

You should do that for the special. When the special comes out.

[B]

I will. And by the way, I'll just go live. I'll go live and know I'm going live, and I'll tell everyone, yo, I'm going live. I'm fucking my wife. I want you guys to be a part of this. And I'll just put the phone. She won't know.

[C]

Well, yeah, you can't let her know. That's the way.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, you gotta, man. I think. I think you would know it was real because of the way Leanne talks during sex. Like, that's the other thing is, like, she talks differently. Oh. She says the kind of. That, like, catches you off guard. You know, when someone gets hit by a car or, like, falls into a. Falls into a pit of alligators and they say the weird thing like, mama, help me. You know?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And like. And then you go, oh, that's a real sentence. Leanne. When Leanne has sex, she fucks real.

[C]

Like, she says real crazy, like, non sequitur stuff.

[B]

Yeah, Just like. And it's like redneck sayings.

[C]

Give me an express, like an example.

[B]

I can't. I can't, because she'll get pissed, and I don't. I don't want to. I don't want to ruin it. No, I can't.

[C]

Just tell us one.

[B]

I can't.

[C]

I can't get so pissed. Are they this. Like, is it a Library that she pulls. Like, you hear the same expressions, a.

[B]

Lot of them in the same library, but I don't have a lot of. I don't have a lot in my library. Like, I don't. I talk a little bit now during sex.

[C]

You do?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

What do you say? Let me close my eyes. Go ahead. Come on. Just whisper. I want to hear it.

[B]

I can't.

[C]

Why? She can't get mad. It's your thing. Just tell us, man. They want to know. It's going to be so good. Please tell me. Is it like big Daddy stuff? Are you like. Yeah. You're going to take that?

[B]

What do you. This is my.

[C]

You do not. You do not. You say, this is my pussy.

[B]

This has been a great episode. Everybody.

[C]

Just remember that this is Burt's pussy. Oh, shut the fuck up. Oh, wow. He really does say that.

[B]

Oh, God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[C]

This is my pussy.

[B]

Oh.

[C]

Whose pussy is this? Shannon Sharp's pussy. It's yours, birdie boy.

[B]

It's all you, big boy.

[C]

It's all you, big boy.

[B]

Whose pussy is this? I say it more like. More inquisitive, like, hey, whose pussy is this?

[C]

Whose pussy is this? Do you know who the owner of this pussy is?

[B]

I found this pussy. Is this your pussy or my pussy? Oh, my gosh. Sweating right now. I'm sweating.

[C]

That's how we know. You really say that. That's amazing. That's awesome. Yeah. Oh, I. I don't say. I'm just like. Lower your voice. Grunt more.

[B]

Sound like you're taking this, but harder. Yeah. Come on.

[C]

Talk to me like a guy. Ah, that's very fun. All right, we should wrap this up.

[B]

Yeah. That was a good episode. Shout out to the Love on the Spectrum kids.

[C]

You guys are the best.

[B]

Next episode, we need to talk about the new people on Instagram that we're falling in love with. The one lady you sent me that made the meatballs. I fucking love her.

[C]

Did I nail that or what?

[B]

Oh, my God. It's the thing I fucking love, dude. If you're doing a cooking segment and you have the spiral heaters on your oven, I'm there for it.

[C]

He's real big fan of, like, lower income kitchens.

[B]

It just is so honest. It's so honest. It's like you are so not savvy about what you're trying to sell. That it's sexy.

[C]

That's what turns you on.

[B]

Sexy dude. And. And my new favorite thing on the Internet, my new favorite thing is the. The comments that are cruel, but Hilarious.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, whenever you see a video and then everyone runs to the comments. That is my favorite. Fucking. If I could create more content, that would just allow people to fun roast me in the comments. Fucking. I mean, that's why I post all those dick pics. Because I was like, I want it to be fun in the comments, not like. Yeah, you know, like, it's. I think that's. Oh, man. There's an overweight golfer instructor.

[C]

I know who you're talking about.

[B]

I know you're talking about.

[C]

I've seen.

[B]

I hope that guy enjoys those comments because they make me how laugh.

[C]

He really knows. He's a good golf instructor.

[B]

He's a great golfer and a great golf instructor and. But it's like Snack. Nicholas.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah, he's. Yeah, he's. He's a big guy.

[B]

He's a big guy.

[C]

Yeah. No, we'll. We'll get into that. Don't forget to go to tomscurra.com tour. See me on tour, please.

[B]

Hey, can you guys. Can you. Oh, keep going. I'm sorry.

[C]

That's okay. What were you gonna say?

[B]

Can you guys send me what I love on the Internet? Send it to me on Instagram so I can watch more, because Tom and I send it to each other. But if you guys listening? If there's someone you're in love with on the Internet. In love with Instagram.

[C]

I can't believe you're not into Fancy Chef yet. I mean, that's all I.

[B]

Who's Fancy Chef?

[C]

I'll start. I'll send you a few links.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

He's amazing. Fancy.

[B]

The only people I get videos from are Leanne and the girls, and it's all cat videos. And Isla. Any Isla. I'll tell you off air.

[C]

Okay. Don't forget to remind Bert whose it is. And we will see you guys next week.

[B]

Bert and Tom. Tom and Burt. One goes topless while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Berts the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call two bears, one cave.