Bert's Not Dead | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Summary

2 Bears, 1 Cave: "Bert's Not Dead" Episode Summary

Podcast: 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Hosts: Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Release Date: February 9, 2026
Studio: YMH Studios

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Episode Overview

This episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave finds Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer in classic form, riffing on food nostalgia, health scares, donuts, performance-enhancing substances, and the absurdities of modern life. Bert delves into his recent health issues, including a blood clot scare and the impact it’s had on his lifestyle. The duo explores fast food debates, family quirks, the world of donuts, and even propose a comical fan expedition to find comic Ari Shaffir. Their banter is at once personal, hilarious, and unexpectedly vulnerable.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Fast Food Wars & Food Nostalgia

• (00:00–05:41)

• Bert passionately declares the Whopper and Baconator superior to the Big Mac (“…does not hold a candle to a Whopper with cheese” – Bert, 00:05), but allows McDonald’s fries reign supreme.
• Childhood memories at Hooters resurface, including the infamous “scalp hunters” college group and Bert’s poetic praise of Hooters breaded wings and seafood sandwiches (02:00–02:20).
• Both recall Outback Steakhouse and the American misconception that it represents actual Australian cuisine (“…so many people believe Outback is a direct rep of Australian lifestyle” – Tom, 02:55).

Memorable Quotes:

• "I want [McDonald's fries] to burn my fingers… and my mouth.” – Bert, 00:42
• “Blooming onion is a death bomb.” – Tom, 03:18

2. Food Calamities & Caloric Confessions

• (03:09–06:09)

• Tom recalls making himself sick over a Bloomin’ Onion and the caloric horror it entails.
• Bert shares a story about eating lobster at Outback and ending up with a bacterial infection, vowing to only order steak at steak houses (04:02–05:39).

3. Health, Meds & Benadryl Addictions

• (05:39–09:35)

• Bert reveals his recent medical emergency: a blood clot traveling from his leg to lungs, leading to a cocktail of daily medications and no alcohol for six months.
• Discussion about non-consensus in health advice, from blood thinners to dosage confusion with doctors.
• Both hosts share their quasi-addictions: Bert swears by Benadryl for sleep, Tom sings its praises as well (08:42–09:03).

Notable Quotes:

• “Benadryl is better than Xanax… you sleep great.” – Bert, 08:51

4. Skepticism Around Sleep Apnea & Big Pharma

• (09:09–11:19)

• Bert rails against CPAP machines, saying the sleep apnea machine business is a lucrative medical racket (“I don't believe in it… I just don't believe in it.” – Bert, 09:19).
• Tom counters by describing Bert’s own possible symptoms and the weird subjectivity of today’s medical advice.

5. Cultural Brand Loyalty: Soda & Donuts

• (14:34–18:33)
• (22:41–27:52)

• Bert describes his daughter Isla’s oddball commitment to Pepsi Zero Sugar, including how “Pepsi country” loyalties differ by region.
• Discussion of the classic “Pepsi Challenge” and nostalgia around old-school TV marketing battles (17:33–18:08).
• Bert reveals his move to buy a donut shop in LA, launching a competition with Tom over croissants (22:41–23:12).
• Deep dive into LA’s donut shop history, the rise of Cambodian and Vietnamese donut shop owners, and why so many local LA donuts are mediocre (24:49–25:29).
• The importance of authenticity, sandwich artistry in Asian-owned donut shops, and a plan to upgrade product while preserving the “realness” of the staff and menu.

Notable Quotes:

• "Get the donuts. Donuts in LA suck.” – Bert, 23:37
• “Asians take shit seriously.” – Bert, 26:18

6. Best Donut Chains & Regional Donut Devotion

• (27:52–34:29)

• Tom and Bert debate Winchell's, Voodoo Donuts, Dunkin’ Donuts, and Krispy Kreme.
• Tom: “Krispy Kreme is just about one donut… that hot and ready glaze” (29:16).
• Bert talks Krispy Kreme nostalgia, its origins, and eventual revelation about ownership’s problematic past (Nazi ties discussed at 31:57–33:00), spinning into dark humor.

7. Health Scares, Vulnerability, & The Five K Challenge

• (41:24–44:57)

• Announcement for the Two Bears 5K event during Netflix Is A Joke Festival, with personal stories from Jelly Roll’s previous life-changing experience at the race (41:52).
• Bert’s health scare gets real: detailed recounting of a pulmonary embolism experience, the medical panic, and a new appreciation for physical wellness (45:14–49:08).

Memorable Quotes:

• “You look at people fatter—and I did that all the time—and go ‘Thank God that’s not me’… until […] I was that guy.” – Bert, 46:59

8. Miscellaneous Banter: Ari Shaffir, Fame, Peer Approval

• (51:37–56:10)

• Tangent about whether Ari Shaffir could disappear for months without anyone knowing and joking about sending fans to find him.
• Riffing on fame, peer recognition, and the social realities of being a public figure—even among comics.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• [00:05] Bert: “Big Mac… does not hold a candle to a Whopper with cheese or to a Baconator.”
• [02:34] Bert on Outback: “Ever since Aussies kind of dropped off after Crocodile Dundee, that was their shoe in the door.”
• [03:18] Tom: “Blooming onion is a death bomb.”
• [08:51] Bert: “Benadryl is better than Xanax… you sleep great.”
• [09:19] Bert: “I don’t believe in [the CPAP]. I now understand.”
• [17:24] Tom: “It does taste better than Coke Zero. It does, it tastes better.”
• [23:37] Bert: “Get the donuts. Donuts in LA suck.”
• [25:29] Bert on Ted Ngoy: “He is in charge of all the donuts in LA.”
• [29:16] Tom: “Krispy Kreme is just about one donut…it’s that hot and ready glaze.”
• [46:59] Bert: "You look at people fatter—and I did that all the time—and go ‘Thank God that’s not me’… until […] I was that guy."
• [56:08] Tom: “Black approval just feels so good.”

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Important Segments & Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment | Notes | |-------------|-------------------------------------------|---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 00:00–05:41 | Fast food nostalgia | McDonald's, Whopper, Outback, Hooters stories | | 05:41–09:35 | Health scare, pills, sleep discussions | Bert details medical crisis and medications, Benadryl sleep aid | | 14:34–18:33 | Pepsi/Coke loyalty and family quirks | Isla's Pepsi obsession, TV marketing nostalgia | | 22:41–27:52 | Donut shop economics and heritage | Bert buys a donut shop, LA donut culture, sandwich artistry | | 29:16–33:35 | Krispy Kreme vs. Dunkin’, donut debates | Chain loyalty, cultural roots, Nazi Germany ownership tangent | | 41:24–44:57 | The Two Bears 5K and wellness | Event announcement, Jelly Roll transformation, fostering health community | | 45:14–49:08 | Bert’s deep health scare story | Cat scan, blood clots, wisdom from the hospital | | 51:37–56:10 | Ari Shaffir’s mysterious absences, fame | Comic disappearance, fan expedition proposal, black peer approval and respect in comedy |

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Closing Thoughts

This episode masterfully blends classic Two Bears themes—absurd food debates, intimate medical updates, and the idiosyncratic bonds of middle-aged friendship. It’s both riotously funny and startlingly candid, with Bert’s honesty about health and Tom’s grounded skepticism providing a strong emotional anchor. The episode is a must-listen for both loyal fans and newcomers seeking a crash course in the show’s signature blend of irreverence and heart.

Transcript

[Bert Kreischer]

One hundred percent let me tell you something i'm gonna be real okay look we all grew up in mcdonald's mcdonald's fucking rocks mcdonald's is awesome but i'm gonna be really honest mcdonald's big mac their signature sandwich does not hold a candle to a whopper with cheese or to a baconator and that is fucking facts wow okay yeah and we did a taste test here in the thing mcdonald's cheeseburgers mcdonald's fries are tops no one's ever gonna beat mcdonald's fries i.

[Tom Segura]

Was gonna say because i think every anyone's opinion becomes invalid if they start putting other fries above mickey d's fries.

[Bert Kreischer]

Impossible yeah it's impossible mcdonald's and piping.

[Tom Segura]

Hot by the way i want it.

[Bert Kreischer]

To burn me i want it to burn my fingers and i want my mouth isn't it crazy how your fingers will burn harder than your mouth like you if you touch a hot wing you're like oh those are hot but then you put it in your mouth like it's not that bad well i actually finally go okay yeah ready let's go through brands buffalo wild wings or hooters wild wings you'd go for hooters now i'm going to tell you i just think that i haven't had either.

[Tom Segura]

In a while i've had buffalo wild.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wings almost every weekend oh it's a weekend treat oh i do i do it so i do it so often.

[Tom Segura]

It'S fucking crazy i have gone to buffalo wild wings the last time i went and i was like you know they have all the they're like there's thirty different flavors i'm like i guess i'll get all thirty and then i realize oh i have three hundred wings.

[Bert Kreischer]

And it's way too much buffalo wild wings has cr so hooters leaned into like sex yeah and then football was secondary but it was sex then you're supposed to like oogle the chicks and.

[Tom Segura]

They were mid the did you i used to work it with a guy in post production that i couldn't believe it he was just like yeah there's i go to i go to hooters all the time and i was like oh really he's like yeah but like one of the girls there likes me and i was like really he's like yeah she's always like happy to see me i was like oh my god this is so sad let's go together i want to see this i remember.

[Bert Kreischer]

Going to hooters we went to hooters every monday night in college for monday.

[Tom Segura]

Night football what for monday night football.

[Bert Kreischer]

Monday night football and a scalp hunters meeting oh okay every monday night we went to hooters every monday night and and i love hooters i love their breaded wings yeah their wings are breaded their shrimp poppers are amazing their their grouper sandwich one of the two best grouper sandwiches i've ever had in my life seriously i love a a blackened grouper sandwich did you go to outback steakhouse too loved outback steakhouse i used.

[Tom Segura]

To go so much do you remember when they still around are they still around or have they gone like bankrupt.

[Bert Kreischer]

They'Re still around please say they're still.

[Tom Segura]

Around but they have locations right i feel like i don't see as near.

[Bert Kreischer]

Ever since aussies kind of dropped off after crocodile dundee that was their big like shoe in the door was like crocodile you don't call out a knife and like go on a steak i'll give you a steak put another shrimp.

[Tom Segura]

On the barbie there's so many people in america that believe that outback steakhouse is a direct representation of australian lifestyle.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh yeah dude do you remember there's two dishes two signature dishes that i remember seeing for the first time in.

[Tom Segura]

My life oh my god hold on i just remembered too that eating myself sick on a blooming onion the blooming.

[Bert Kreischer]

Onion the first time you saw a.

[Tom Segura]

Blooming onion and then some a while later there was data about what it is calorically and they're just like you should just hang yourself if you're gonna eat this pull it up a blooming onion is a death bomb i'm eating.

[Bert Kreischer]

Six a month.

[Tom Segura]

It'S so bad for.

[Bert Kreischer]

You the night after i lost my virginity i went it's eight hundred calories no for the smaller portion nineteen hundred.

[Tom Segura]

That'S a day's worth of eating wait what else is there more nutritional facts underneath that if you hit that yeah oh fifty five to one hundred fifty five grams of fat thirteen hundred milligrams.

[Bert Kreischer]

Of sodium and you're like but is it is it bad the night after i lost my virginity oh my god i went to dinner with my the girl i lost my virginity's parents yeah we went to outback steakhouse and i had never seen a blooming onion before and i ate an entire blooming onion and i remember her dad going you just ate an onion yeah you just ate like an actual onion yeah like.

[Tom Segura]

I your daughter last night too it's pretty crazy week for me i learned an important lesson and i hope they can't sue me for this i think the statute of limitations probably run out but in the nineties probably like ninety six ninety seven i went to outback steakhouse and i've learned i feel like it's kind of a life thing now that if you're going to a steakhouse you should stick to steak yeah and i went there and i got lobster and i got a bacterial infection that took me down for over a week and it was during the school year i missed over a week of school i called my history teacher because a paper was due and i told him i was and he hung up on me he hung up on me because i think he thought i was just trying to buy time and when i showed up at school like whatever like the week and a half later i had lost like seventeen nineteen pounds and he was like oh he was like i guess you really were sick i was like yeah man and it was all from getting sea shellfish whatever at a steakhouse so now i never order that it was traumatizing if you go to a steakhouse get a piece of meat yeah yeah get a piece of.

[Bert Kreischer]

Meat i can't eat steak right now.

[Tom Segura]

What so what is going on you're.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like i can't have anything i got a blood clot in my leg got into my lungs yeah so i'm not drinking for six months six months yeah we'll talk about it later the second dish i ever remember witnessing presented that leaves an indelible mark in my my psyche yeah is the first time i saw fajitas you're like i was like.

[Tom Segura]

This is what they're doing south of.

[Bert Kreischer]

The border eight years old or nine years old it was at a bennigan's yeah and i heard coming out of the back like what the oh wait a sizzling plate and steam's coming everybody i was like oh something's and then they come around the corner and i remember he came around my back and i was like this and i looked at it i went what's that and my uncle who hung out of bennegan's a lot was like he does and i was like oh my dad goes you can fucking forget about it you're not getting that shit you're going to burn your goddamn face my uncle who.

[Tom Segura]

Hung out at bennigan's a lot.

[Bert Kreischer]

Of bennegan's a lot my uncles used to be fun alcoholics and now they're just now they're none of them drink really.

[Tom Segura]

None of them how old are they.

[Bert Kreischer]

They'Re all like my mom's age like sixties set my mom's seventy seven and it's probably seventy seven to probably fifty.

[Tom Segura]

Nine it's a big gap yeah spread.

[Bert Kreischer]

Out yeah i feel like i feel like that's i don't know with all the non drinking i'm doing i feel like i i don't know yeah i don't know i don't who knows you know the jury's out tom they're like blood thinners some doctors say absolutely you can't drink on them and some people say you just can't drink on them.

[Tom Segura]

So it's the thing to roll the.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dice on yeah you never know what the fuck you know they're gonna say.

[Tom Segura]

I do think it's funny like how we there's never any more the unanimous verdict on anything health wise i mean even as something like you know like we've gotten peptides from these guys before and i've gone from like i start with one and maybe i go with another one the other one's like so you're doing it like three times a week thirty units and i'm like no he's like what are you doing well that doctor said he goes oh that's totally wrong i'm like so there's not like a consensus on this no the.

[Bert Kreischer]

The best is i remember telling joe about how much testosterone i was taking he was like the i was like yeah what do you take he goes half of that and i was like huh really and he was like what the fuck dude that's too much and i was like that's what i was.

[Tom Segura]

Told to take yeah and that's the.

[Bert Kreischer]

Same doctor by the same doctor my my my i think my testosterone levels were like crazy low huh but i don't know you know i don't know i'm on the road so much that all i can do is trust that do you know how many pills i'm on a day honestly i'm on probably about thirty pills a day really motrin tylenol blood thinners these it's all four motrin two tylenol two blood thinners blood pressure medicine that's three with blood thin with a baby aspirin i've got vitamins right milk thistle i've got nad plus and no so i guess i'm on like fifteen sixteen pills a day oh and then i bet i have a subtle addiction to benadryl to wind down dude benadryl is better than xanax bedroom's pretty great you sleep great but you.

[Tom Segura]

Breathe amazing breathe yeah oh because it opens you yeah it opens you up.

[Bert Kreischer]

You sleep like darth vader you sleep with a mask no i wear just like a mask like this no but.

[Tom Segura]

Not a breathing no no i thought you had a cpap no i don't believe in it you don't believe in.

[Bert Kreischer]

It no i don't believe in it i don't believe in it i don't believe in it i now i understand.

[Tom Segura]

I just i've never heard anyone describe it as a belief system yeah i.

[Bert Kreischer]

Don'T believe in it no okay let's that's okay now i know i'm a idiot okay i get it let's walk it backwards okay imagine twenty years ago someone said to you you know big pharma is out to kill us you'd be like you mean my doctor is out to kill me yeah and then it comes out you're like oh your doctor gets kickback based on what pills he subscribes right prescribes and you're like oh shit and you're like wait they didn't need to give me oxycontin my uncle didn't need to get oxycontin from falling at work those are amazing and but that's what they did is they did that now there is a a sleep apnea machine is amazingly expensive it's a machine it's more than a pill yeah for sure and there's a huge upcharge and so i believe it is in the benefit of the doctor's case to say you need a sleep apnea machine let me send you to my sleep study guy he gets kicked back from the sleep study guy who no sleep study guy i would just please tell me if you've ever gone to sleep study and they go actually you're not that bad you don't need one never has a sleep study guy said no no no no you're perfect to.

[Tom Segura]

Play devil's advocate i have seen one time liam posted a video of you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay going i might have that i might have sleep apnea so but i just i go i haven't died yet oh i sleep really good you do sleep really good fucking ninety eight on my on my whoop how many hours do you normally sleep about nine to ten seriously dead sleep damn dead sleep dead sleep i would go to sleep so early because i'm not partying so i go to sleep so fucking early and i'm on the road dude if i'm on the road i go to sleep at like i get off stage at nine thirty we all hang out bullshit until eleven bus calls at noon midnight we all get on the bus early i get in my bunk i get in my bed early and i sleep dead until like i sleep twelve hours on the road yeah really i sleep incredibly and if you put me.

[Tom Segura]

On a benadryl i'm jealous that's amazing.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude that is amazing i'll eat expired benadryl nice i don't give a dude.

[Tom Segura]

Oxy'S i took an oxy the only.

[Bert Kreischer]

Did you take those blue pills i gave you yeah yeah yeah were they what we thought we were yeah they.

[Tom Segura]

Work yeah they're not dick pills i know that sounds like it but but they're even better the the only thing the oxies i don't shit for like two three days that's the big thing.

[Bert Kreischer]

About opiates who who was who was the one who was the one whose fucking colon ruptured matthew matthew the guy from perry matthew perry ruptured his colon from shit oh my god google matthew perry ruptured colon because he was taking so many pain pills he couldn't shit and they couldn't get it out of him and it ruptured his colon and exploded inside of him and gave him sepsis that's why he died no he died in a hot tub oh my.

[Tom Segura]

God did he die in twenty eighteen it's that long ago oh nearly died in twenty eighteen after his colon burst.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh my god dude that's why that's why you stay away from pain pills.

[Tom Segura]

I know i don't have them anymore i haven't asked for any more but that's horrible i get it when i was in the hospital and they were giving me like the real stuff i didn't for a week and they were like do you want to try do you want us to give you like a what is it suppository today or do you want to wait a few days and just see if it happens i was like let's start today it's been a week let's start today yeah and then yeah then sludge just kind of came out of me but it's it backs me up completely really yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah my shit's on manjaro or just really it's it's i sit down in the toilet i give it a little push how much are you down right now i'm two thirty five you've been melting away yeah well it's i don't think it's healthy like i'm not i don't feel good like i mean i'm not i'm not i'm not a spokesman for manjaro i'm really not yeah it works but like i think most people like i had a friend that i hosted new year's eve with i want you to say his name but i don't want to out him do the legwork and you'll figure it out and he was like yeah i tried that he goes i felt like i had a low grade flu i go yeah he goes i don't like that i was like i think that's the way the pill work the shot works he's like you feel sick and i go yeah you feel like you have cancer and he was like and he goes you like that and i go no i hate it so how long will you stay on it i guess forever i'll just feel like i'm sick i don't know i mean we put at january first we put my goal weight of like you know trainer looks at it and he's like two hundred and twenty pounds and i'm like fifteen pounds away from it and we're right around the corner and he's like okay hold on this is by the end of the year we got to slow down he's like are you eating and i was like no he was like like like the only things i can eat this is going to sound so fucking ridiculous the only things i can eat are these protein shakes right i drink one of those a day and then i can italian subs and donuts donuts are good this upcoming segment is brought to you by pepsi did you see.

[Tom Segura]

The super bowl do you know that every every year i tell myself that like you know i think i'm over like the big ad thing of it.

[Bert Kreischer]

All it's the only reason i watch.

[Tom Segura]

Super and then i'm i'm turned into somebody who goes like i'll i'll be like oh it's it's the commercial i know it's like some crazy commercial but i'm just gonna dip out and then i just start walking out of the room and i'm like this is a.

[Bert Kreischer]

Pretty rad commercial can i tell you what's crazy so isla and all her friends are in art school yeah and they watch the super bowl they watch it just for the ads so many.

[Tom Segura]

People do and every time it happens i'm like really you just watch it for the ads and then you're like i'm mesmerized by this i know isla.

[Bert Kreischer]

Called me first of all isla has been the mainstay of pepsi in our family really oh that's why i think she's most like donnell and red grant.

[Tom Segura]

That'S the zero sugar one the zero.

[Bert Kreischer]

Sugar yeah well i got to do zero sugar and you know i don't know if it's that conversation we had.

[Tom Segura]

With donnell that was a that was.

[Bert Kreischer]

Fascinating that was the most fascinating insightful commercial or conversation with donnell but isla when i told her about that conversation goes it's got more flavor it's got way more flavor dad it's got way more flavor it's so much more enjoyable.

[Tom Segura]

How is that that's the zero sugar.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is a zero sugar is fucking awesome it's absolutely dude let me tell you something as a guy not drinking right now right yeah i'm on the wagon when i get on a plane and i'm gonna sip on something i'm keeping it that's okay i got another one fine i got i i when i got on a plane i'm gonna sip something yeah always die pepsi pepsi zero really but do you throw a.

[Tom Segura]

Fit if they don't have it no i like to do that you know.

[Bert Kreischer]

You can throw a fit if you're not drinking you can give them attitude if you're not drinking like if you go you guys have pepsi zero sugar and they're like no and then you go never mind then and they're like can i get something else i go i guess i'm not drinking today how.

[Tom Segura]

About a cup of ice and i'll.

[Bert Kreischer]

Throw it at you try that with a beer do you have a beer no we're not serving then fine i'm not and then you're an addict you're a problem do it yeah yeah but i i called me she goes i told you i told you that commercial dad and i go yes i did she goes dad i told you and then i showed up today to work to work and the fridge was stacked with them and i was like i was like i was like kyle did you get pepsi zero sugar she goes i did she goes did you get a call from isla i go did isla call you isla's the biggest pepsi zero sugar fan in the fucking world pepsi is isla's brand and she doesn't live in pepsi country yeah i can't tell everyone where she lives but she does not live in pepsi she doesn't she is an outlier she's like driving a ford truck in texas isn't that crazy that there's parts of this country that the people yeah subscribe to certain.

[Tom Segura]

Things i know and i'll say this whatever part that does taste better than coke zero it does it tastes better.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you remember the pepsi challenge in the eighties do you remember of course of course that was amazing how branding was so simple was it because there wasn't that many it was all about.

[Tom Segura]

The tv spot that's the thing that was the only thing that mattered was the tv spot and then now super bowl they're laying into like it was pretty direct what they were doing which is pretty cool but i also love i love when the big companies that compete go at each other it's fun.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love when big brands go at it with each other i do too i love it and i want more.

[Tom Segura]

Of it i love it and i.

[Bert Kreischer]

Love it when and i mean this for real when the so called underdog takes a shot at the big dog.

[Tom Segura]

That'S you respect it if they take if they take a a like a swing that is that really goes for it yeah that is like the most fun thing to watch a lot of.

[Bert Kreischer]

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[Tom Segura]

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[Tom Segura]

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[Tom Segura]

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[Bert Kreischer]

Can i tell you something yeah i know we're not spending a lot of time around each other now right right we're both very busy a lot of stuff going on yeah i understand that you've got a croissant shop you've got a new series you're in production for your schedule your dance card's crazy i won't i'll just tell you i have a crazy schedule also but i also purchased a donut shop.

[Tom Segura]

You purchased a donut shop yeah because.

[Bert Kreischer]

That'S what keeping up with the joneses.

[Tom Segura]

Wait because i have a because you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Have a croissant shop i bought a.

[Tom Segura]

Donut shop where is where is it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'M going to tell you why because it's well it's right around the corner okay i thought they were vietnamese and sandra went and talked to them turns out they're cambodian okay but we're the sales pending they make here's the deal the donuts are fucking average but they make the best fucking cambodian sandwiches this.

[Tom Segura]

Is your pitch to your fans look.

[Bert Kreischer]

Get the donuts look donuts in la suck okay really one hundred percent i'll tell you why guy named mister donut came into la in like the seventies right yeah he's like he's like mister chang from the from the hangover is that right can you google him mister.

[Tom Segura]

Donut i remember that woodland hills place that was so good so this is.

[Bert Kreischer]

My goal okay okay so mister donut los angeles is that his name no that's mister donut what's the donut man can you just fight there's a documentary on a vietnamese guy or an asian guy who came to la in the eighties and what he did is he decided he'd start opening donut shops i watched the documentary it was pretty fascinating but he was like rings and fancy suits and he's a japanese guy and so i'll just tell you the story and it may not be right okay so he comes to la and he just starts buying up little areas that are gonna make great donut shops and then going back to his home country and saying hey i can bring you to this country i can get you a work visa i can get you all of it but you gotta work at my donut shop and i'll let you buy into my donut shop i'm gonna own the space but you can buy you can franchise out and then he said i'm gonna build the factory that does all the cream fillings all the jelly fillings all the glazing yeah ted nyoy sandra how do you say.

[Tom Segura]

That it's ted nyoy ted nyoy yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so he then so he is the reason that all of our donuts in los angeles are kind of average because he supplies all the goods to all the donut shops all the donut shops it's so easy for them just to get the average filling so if you go to dunkin donuts the fil the raspberry filling is textured it's a jelly it's not a jam it's a jelly it's like textured and and because that is the donut that dunkin donuts that's the the ingredients they send out he is in charge of all the donuts in la so i all the.

[Tom Segura]

Donuts in la without predominantly all the.

[Bert Kreischer]

Donuts in la the mom and pop shops that you see off to the side they have their own thing they have like the niche ones so i think here's what i think right i go you open a croissant shop i go i gotta i gotta do something.

[Tom Segura]

I gotta you're so funny with this.

[Bert Kreischer]

But it's the fun of the game for me it's not about fucking making money it's about f having fun with it so i said to sandra i got this place i think there's a couple so i'll just say it usa donut bleep it out if we need to it's right around the corner and i like the ladies that work there right but what's more important their attention to detail on breakfast sandwiches and afternoon sandwiches is through the fucking roof you go to get one of their just an average club sandwich and it like they their pickles are are carved like v's in the center because their attention to detail because they're asian is so.

[Tom Segura]

Perfect just because they're asian yeah it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is because they don't they don't fucking slack asians take shit seriously yeah yeah so then i go in and i talk to them a little bit i was like oh cool they're vietnamese i sent sandra in sandra's like they're not they're cambodian i was like is there a difference she goes huge fucking difference they tried to kill my people and i was like what and she was like i'm not gonna fuck them and then she starts yelling at them and but i go all right here's the deal i want to buy the shop right i want to put my name up there i want to be i'll be part owner with them because they part owner with them more importantly i don't want to change a fucking thing except for the donuts i want to find a supplier that makes great donuts so we upgrade the donuts keep the sandwiches where they are upgrade the donuts and make high end fucking donuts at a low price right yeah and they look authentic like i know you brought that guy that's like italian or something in yeah i'm going to tell everyone i brought these vietnamese or cambodian ladies in from cambodia donut makers that's where all you know because the french took over cambodia or is it vietnam doesn't matter we're going to just tell people they're vietnamese i think it's easier that way yeah the story's a little more they'll probably like it yeah yeah so yeah it's right around the shop corner i should have gotten you a sandwich so you could taste one there and.

[Tom Segura]

You'Re going to call it like burts.

[Bert Kreischer]

I may keep it at usa donuts for a little bit you know and then pop out with so you're like.

[Tom Segura]

I i'm buying this but you guys are partners that's kind of thing we.

[Bert Kreischer]

Haven'T worked it out their english isn't great so but there's a sale pendant i was really hoping there there's a right now okay let me tell you where we're at logistically right now right now we're at you can be the spokesman for our donut shop and then we'll give you free donuts that's where we're at right now but remember i.

[Tom Segura]

I gotta tell you this bro i love donuts dude i love donuts i.

[Bert Kreischer]

Love great donuts okay we're talking about brands yeah let's talk about the best donut brands now okay okay see cause.

[Tom Segura]

I for me i i remember living in woodland hills and i think it's wenchel's and i loved their donuts i loved their donuts and then there's voodoo which does like these really like elaborate creative ones voodoo voodoo i've had some really good donuts from them can i.

[Bert Kreischer]

Give voodoo a note just one note yeah can you go half as big on your donuts because one of your donuts is a meal for me and i want to have a couple different.

[Tom Segura]

Donuts is this manjaro speaking or bert.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is bert okay because like i could up their donuts but one donut's got like a piece of bacon and.

[Tom Segura]

A pretzel yeah there's a lot of.

[Bert Kreischer]

Shit and i was like and i was like and and the one guy with the guy with the stick in his heart yeah you know they're awesome i just if you i know i.

[Tom Segura]

Don'T go to a donut shop to get one donut i want to get.

[Bert Kreischer]

Twelve i want to eat twelve yeah and you can't eat twelve voodoo donuts and they're great donuts they might be best donuts out there chain wise chain wise by the way there's one great donut shop right where georgia used to go to school yeah right by your old right by your old house yeah it wasn't winchell's it was but it.

[Tom Segura]

Was korean were there koreans there no.

[Bert Kreischer]

No they're white really the other whites whites yeah okay what's better dunkin donuts.

[Tom Segura]

Krispy kreme okay so for me krispy kreme is just about one donut it's about just their signature donut whereas like you know the the krispy kreme hot now hot now that whatever it's a glaze yeah that's how i that's how i think of krispy kreme dunkin donuts for me is a about a little more variety so that so it's like if you're digging that krispy kreme glazed classic don't let me get a dozen classics then you go there i do find that in my mind i'm like i'm going to eat six of these and if i have a krispy kreme one i'm like this is so sweet that it it takes me down so saying one or the other it really becomes about what you're in the mood for what you you know what i mean like that hot and ready thing is pretty crazy though so i was i because i also hate dunkin coffee so many people love it i hate.

[Bert Kreischer]

It that's the exact opposite i was gonna say the exact opposite i hate it i grew up in tampa krispy kreme was our donut that was like we had a krispy kreme there i.

[Tom Segura]

Remember when really that is that a but is that a california it's a.

[Bert Kreischer]

Southern thing krispy kreme is krispy kreme where does krispy kreme originated what's yeah.

[Tom Segura]

What'S the headquarters or where did it.

[Bert Kreischer]

By the way if any of these brands want to work with us we are willing i know we're at we're not putting out as many of the episodes but we'll put out more of krispy kreme comes out north carolina is.

[Tom Segura]

Our headquarters that is their headquarters is that where it started early years hold on in kentucky yeah well they had a small store in kentucky and then depression and opened his own store in winston salem north carolina i had no idea the first krispy kreme opened in.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Ohio.

[Tom Segura]

In akron ohio the growth expansion occurred opening in savannah in the southeast so it is like a southeastern thing i had no idea dude we used.

[Bert Kreischer]

To get krispy kreme in tampa i wish i could remember anyone from the jersey shore would remember one place where he's got donuts as kids where they made them there and they they it was all they made was cinnamon sugar and they it was it was called i wish i remember the fucking name of this place and they were cinnamon sugar and you they just made them for you you go i'd like a dozen donuts and then they'd make a dozen donuts for you dip them in the oil sugar them and then they put them in a brown bag and by the time you got back to the beach house we were kids we were really little kids the bag was wet with grease dude i remember i.

[Tom Segura]

Have such a vivid memory of the first time i hung out with you was at the beach house in tampa you had to get up to do press and you came back and you brought donuts i don't remember where they were from you brought donuts it's the.

[Bert Kreischer]

Greatest it's the greatest thing to show.

[Tom Segura]

Up in the morning with yeah owner's use of forced labor in nazi germany owning the controlling steak of krispy kreme as well as insomnia cookies and pret a manger one of the wealthiest families in germany admitted in twenty nineteen that they profited from forced labor during world war two new york times reported the two men who ran the family business in the thirties and forties albert ryman senior and his son albert junior actively participated in the abuse of their workers that's pretty cool that's a kind of a cool thing i think i want to check out krispy kreme today yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

That'S neat so i was i was a ride or die for krispy kreme always and when they moved to new york i remember when they opened in new york there'd be lines the guy.

[Tom Segura]

Donated to the ss that's a crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Detail jesus i would love some krispy.

[Tom Segura]

Kreme nazi memorabilia that'd be pretty cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah like crispy but but it's like it's like the swasta the s's that's pretty cool ss crispy i guess we lost that lost that corporate sponsor but i was a rider die for krispy kreme look at the krispy kreme club oh my god kkk wednesdays check out.

[Tom Segura]

The b the the the boston globe published an article said i found out nazi money is behind my favorite coffee should i keep drinking it.

[Bert Kreischer]

How did krispy kreme turn into this.

[Tom Segura]

Kkk wednesday this is nuts that's pretty cool i.

[Bert Kreischer]

Was a krispy kreme ride or die i remember when they opened in new york yeah in like in like two ninety nine ninety eight there was a line down the street to get krispy kreme donuts everyone was losing their mind and by the way this is during the atkins phase when everyone was doing.

[Tom Segura]

Atkins diet yeah and eggs bacon steaks.

[Bert Kreischer]

Burgers yeah and i was ride or die for krispy kreme and then when i started touring i toured the northeast and i fell in love with the way boston people like new new hampshire new england people yeah are ride or die for duncan david they love it yo duncan's kid you're getting duncan's yeah they love it and and the and the casey affleck videos his videos of on snl were fucking have you ever seen those yeah i've seen those they're so fucking funny and then i went and i and i was at tallahassee and i was first time back in tallahassee and i was like up early i didn't give a about diet at all then and i was like i need something i'm hungry and tallahassee had a dunkin donuts and i was like you know what i'm get a couple dunkin donuts and i'm gonna get a coffee and i fell in love with their coffee big iced coffee come on.

[Tom Segura]

I never liked i always thought they put way too much milk and then i'd go hey can i just get a little bit of milk and they'd be like you mean like a quart or something and i'm like no just just dash it and i just i never was a fan what i gotta.

[Bert Kreischer]

Stop i'm in i'm i'm in austin in a couple days i gotta you're not there i gotta go into chicho pombo you have to i have to.

[Tom Segura]

And you gotta you gotta get everything.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude i'm gonna make it rain well.

[Tom Segura]

Those just set you up this episode.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is sponsored by better help february is full of flowers candy stuffed animals and of course lots of talks about relationships and dating and no matter where you are whether you're married or dating or single or just maybe just focusing on you you're right on time therapy can help you find your way and see more clearly where you want to be i kind of look back at that time that i thought to myself what do i want and i remember said i want my forever check and i focused on me i was in therapy hardcore then holy cow i think i was going twice a week and i was like there's one thing that's consistent in every relationship i have two things really number one they all were horrible and number two i was went in every single one of them and i started focusing on me in therapy in the gym and the gym i remember my therapist said you should get in the best shape you can get in so you can get the girl of your dreams and i did i did betterhelp works it according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the united states if you aren't happy with your match you can switch to a different therapist at any time with over thirty zero zero zero therapists betterhelp is one of the world's largest online therapy platforms having served over five million people globally and it works with an average rating of four point nine out of five for a live session based on over one point seven million client reviews sign up and get ten percent off at betterhelp dot com bears that's betterhelp dot com bears my february has been crazy and will be crazy more importantly my daughter's february is even crazier she's in art school right now and she is coming and going every single day you know what i did for her i got her factor meals factor has quality functional ingredients including lean proteins colorful veggies whole food ingredients and healthy fats no refined sugars no artificial sweeteners no refined seed oils meals that fit your goals and your schedules healthier eating calorie management more protein factor has one hundred rotating meals every week high protein calorie smart mediterranean ready to eat salads which are their favorite both my girls ready to eat salads i get pictures when they open them up and my favorite ones for the big guy glp one supported meals they also have new muscle pro collection for strength and recovery factor is always fresh and never frozen they're ready to go in about literally two minutes no prep no stress and i'm telling you right now i got a text from her because i send them to her house all the girls in the house eat them and i get a text every now and then her roommate roommate the one that she shares a room with ate the italian style pork ragu and and was raving about it so much so that i was like i'm gonna put that in my order i gotta try it head to factormeals dot com bears fifty off and use code bears fifty offs get fifty percent off and free breakfast for a year eat like a pro this month with factor new subscribers only varies by plan one free breakfast item per box for one year while subscription.

[Tom Segura]

Is active if one of your resolutions.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

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[Tom Segura]

They'Ve got four fourteen languages to choose.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

From and every course comes with a twenty day money back guarantee here's a special limited time deal for our listeners right now get up to fifty five percent off your babel subscription at babel dot com bears get up to fifty five percent off at babel dot com bears spelled b dash a b b e l dot com bears rules and restrictions may apply hey did you ever.

[Bert Kreischer]

Get my christmas present you haven't been.

[Tom Segura]

Home have you i haven't been home.

[Bert Kreischer]

Did we send it i got sarah.

[Tom Segura]

Really yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah no one's told you about it no okay pretty cool i.

[Tom Segura]

Think so i would love to find.

[Bert Kreischer]

Out you want me to tell you what it is it's for the office really sure it's can you just pull it up do you guys know what it is do you ever go to the casino and you see the place where you drop the quarter in and it falls in and then it pushes all the quarters off the ledge yeah i got you one of those really.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah that's pretty cool yeah it's for.

[Bert Kreischer]

The office how much fun is that.

[Tom Segura]

That'S really fun yeah right i mean yeah now they're definitely not gonna work.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah i was like how much fun are those wouldn't it be great to have one in your house and then i was like coin pusher yeah that's rad do you know what i got.

[Tom Segura]

For me what a claw machine with the yeah my boys are obsessed ellis is good at it i went to i've been to multiple arcades where we're in the arcade and you kind of like you know i'm gonna go play this one and like twenty minutes later i run into ellis and he has like six things he's like yeah i got this from the claw machine i'm like how the and i've watched him.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do it he's good dude i got a claw machine and what i was going to do i'm not home i haven't been home in forever so i haven't had time to set it up and i and i've i mean i i think this is everyone's hyper aware both of us are cutting back on everything a little bit because our schedules are crazy and i apologize we will step it back up when we get a chance but right now it's just not feasible listen we have a huge announcement and i want to say this while you're listening yes saturday may ninth at the rose bowl in pasadena california during netflix is a joke festival me tom and speaking of donuts jelly roll will be doing the two bears two bears five k two bears five k.

[Tom Segura]

It'S back this is the third year in a row right yes third year.

[Bert Kreischer]

In a row it's on a saturday.

[Tom Segura]

Which means you can come poor oshos.

[Bert Kreischer]

Will be there there's going to be activations there's going to be vendors we're going to announce all that all levels are welcome to run and it jelly rolls down i think three hundred and seventy five pounds or something and and he i if i'm not mistaken i think he said the next two bears five k he's at he's taking his.

[Tom Segura]

Shirt off he did say that he said that last at the last one.

[Bert Kreischer]

And he looks great he should be your inspiration the first time we did it in pasadena the two bears five k was jelly's first five k we crossed the line me him leanne and bunny and he was crying and he said this is the change i needed i need you to hear this if you're overweight this is the change i needed and bunny looked at me and gave me a hug and she goes you might have just saved his life from that day to today you look at how his life he has lost two whole humans it's crazy and if you are overweight and you're in the cattle if you're married to someone overweight and you're in the california area anywhere fucking rancho cucamonga make the drive in that saturday and challenge yourself start training right now challenge yourself to get start.

[Tom Segura]

With walks dude start walking and by.

[Bert Kreischer]

The way walk it if jelly sees you he'll dap you up and give you some love tom's going to have his headsets on he's starting looking for a personal best you're running it twice this year i heard and i'm i.

[Tom Segura]

Am going to try to i don't know what my goal time is yet i have to figure it out i mean obviously trying to beat my previous times but yeah i am trying to.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do a personal best i heard and i'm not saying i won't speak for him heard jelly rolls running it twice i'm running it twice tom's running it twice fine it's going to be fucking great and if this but the first.

[Tom Segura]

One we're going to go for it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right yeah oh we're going the early one by the way i'm not even fucking around jelly roll's running a faster five k than i am right now really he is his thing is he his his is mind over matter he gets on there and starts running he feels no pain he feels no suffering he just pushes it he just goes hard as fucking by the way no he's his legs are much stronger than mine and i think he's lighter than i i was when i was at my fattest he's like two hundred sixty i was two hundred seventy five when i started losing weight when i did the last two bears five k i was two hundred sixty five he's lighter.

[Tom Segura]

Than i am that's incredible it is actually the coolest thing too is like it you really feel a sense of community at this thing i and i was i didn't know that that was going to happen but but you really feel the energy of everybody there and everybody's so just like positive and happy to be there i tried to make a joke before we ran the tampa one i was like why the fuck are we here you know can't believe we got up early to do this and everybody was like huh i was like oh okay just kidding like let's go run yeah like people are so enthusiastic and positive and you feel it when you're doing it and if you're like i'm going to get you know stuck behind i'm gonna struggle having a community with you it helps you run through through this thing man it really.

[Bert Kreischer]

Does you'd be shocked how much faster you run when you're running and i tell you this is the key always find a great chick's ass to run right behind yeah and it's and it makes it so enjoyable yeah so i did it with leanne next to me last year and i was like look at her ass it's perfect yeah and it's like what about mine i was like well that's for the guy behind you yeah that's why he's slowing down or speeding up you get more info at two bears five k dot com sign up challenge yourself challenge yourself get yourself healthy it's really fun man we.

[Tom Segura]

Should also say that in addition to like just to to let people know the activations are super fun there's always like games and there's recovery people there and there's music and there's drinks and there's food like it's a fun event it's not just run it's a whole event that is a blast to be.

[Bert Kreischer]

At and i will say this and i'm backtracking a little bit i know that you've probably maybe heard me talk about this when i was in the hospital and i got the blood clot and they rolled me and they said you have a blood clot in your leg let's hope it's not in your lungs but they go it's probably not i said that it's probably not and when they rolled me from room four past thirty rooms to get me to the cat scan i looked and i want you to hear this because it's very important i looked at everyone i rolled past and i went thank god i'm not them in my head thank god i'm not them and then they put me in the cat scan i said are you allergic to iodine i said i don't know i go is there a way to test it he goes well no i said what if i am he goes you go into anaphylactic shock and i go can't you like pin prick my fucking pinky and put a little iodine on it and find out and he's like no you're going to feel warmness in your throat and you're going to feel like you're pissing your pants let's go puts me in arms up and then they stop the cat scan halfway through and he looks at me and he goes are you having a heart attack right now and i said i don't think i am and he goes your blood pressure's through the roof your heart rate is skyrocketed he goes i think you're having a heart attack we can't get a clear vision on the cat scan and i went and i start thinking am i having a and i go i don't have any symptoms other than this warmness in my throat and i feel like i can see iodine and then i go i know but i'm having a fucking panic attack and he goes okay well we need you to relax i go that's not gonna fucking happen and then they put me back they finish it and the doctor calls and he's like he's not having a heart attack his heart's clear but he's got blood clots in his lungs the guy just goes yeah you got blood clots in your lungs and i went and i need you to hear this because we all right now go thank god that's not me that's what is important about this five k thank god that's not me you look at people fatter i did that all the time i look at people fatter and go oh thank god that's not me you see there's a woman i follow who has like a major fupa and cooks breakfast for her kids every morning and i go who thank god that's not me that's what we all do and i'll tell you on my ride back on my gurney back to my room i had a very different perspective and everyone i looked at they're not looking at me going thank god that's not me he was just having a heart attack in the fucking cat scan and he's got blood cots in his legs and his lungs how do you treat that.

[Tom Segura]

What do you have to do blood.

[Bert Kreischer]

Thinners and i'll tell you right now your health is very precious and it's a perspective shift you need to have and stop i did it you know i did it you know my lifestyle you know that i always said thank god that's not me i work out every morning i fucking drink a lot of water i'm the fucking guy until one day when i was getting rolled back i saw a guy that looked just like me just like me except he had shoes on that's it and i gave him a thumbs up like hoping that we connect like it's gonna be okay and he looked at me and just shook his head no and i went oh fuck man this is this is reality right now i am a guy whose blood pressure my blood pressure tom yeah obviously with the panic attack and my leg throbbing a lot of pain was like one hundred seventy five over one hundred ten and they're like it's because you're in a lot of pain i mean the pain was insurmountable where was the pain in my whole leg my whole leg below the blood clot and it was throbbing like crazy like crazy if people go like i don't know maybe i have a blood clot no you know you absolutely go i have a blood clot it's in my leg it's killing i still can barely use two of my toes and so but that's my my my i'm hoping that if you're thinking about not doing the five k you hear this story and you go i don't want to be the guy on the gurney that they roll in yeah to the cat scan i don't want to be the guy in the gurney i don't want to be the guy you know how i thought about is when we brought you in for your for your arm and your leg yeah and they put the cuff on you and they're like blood pressure one hundred twenty over eighty it's perfect i thought wow i wish i was that guy but i'm not i'm really not well i.

[Tom Segura]

Also say that like if you do pass away the five k will be a celebration of your life oh fuck.

[Bert Kreischer]

Me.

[Tom Segura]

In memoriam yeah we'll do a crazy eulogy at that and it will be your face will be everywhere thank.

[Bert Kreischer]

You yeah oh fucking poroso fucking skyrocket.

[Tom Segura]

It'Ll be awesome you know how you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can go public with porosis tomorrow if.

[Tom Segura]

I die you think so oh one hundred percent be a good story did.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know what do you know i wonder i can't even think about death anymore i can't think about it no what did i what else did i write down why i write fatty's eating fatty's eating oh that's all i watch.

[Tom Segura]

On instagram whenever i'm on instagram and i see like a sad really overweight person in their kitchen and they're making some boxed food i'll be like oh i'll send this to bert maybe they.

[Bert Kreischer]

Have a patch on their eye yeah that girl with a patch on her.

[Tom Segura]

Eye oh my god it was so good and i'm like bert's like oh this is awesome i don't know why.

[Bert Kreischer]

I like it i really tried to quantify it i should be i should bring it up in therapy mm i i wanna like cause i what i identify with which i think is interesting is you know everyone pretends like i've been around a lot of people that go i don't care about fame you know and then you're like you're like okay and then but then if someone's famous there they're like holy shit who is that dude the guy from third rock from the sun's here and you're like okay did you watch that show and you're like no i go i saw it like a couple times in college dude he's sitting right there and you're like i thought you didn't care.

[Tom Segura]

About fame yeah but that's different yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And like and so i always find that interesting and what what instagram has given is everyone a platform and and it i don't i really don't think everyone wants to be famous i really don't no but man there's a lot more than you thought yeah and i i think there was a shallowness that we got associated with when they're like you know look at him he just wants to be famous you know ari shafir is like one of the worst at this is he pretends he doesn't care about being famous yeah yet he shits on a stage to get attention right but if you say if i said i was hanging out with bradley cooper he goes name drop why would you do that name drop and you're like stop you're in the same business i am you do the same thing i do you do it the same way i do it you do everything i do and by the way i've been with you when a celebrity walks by and you're like holy shit it's.

[Tom Segura]

Fucking yeah and he's a big krispy kreme guy which is kind of dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'Ve not heard from him in a.

[Tom Segura]

Minute cuz he's like in the amazon.

[Bert Kreischer]

Or some it's interesting you think we wouldn't know if he died not for.

[Tom Segura]

A while eventually we'd find out but yeah not right away yeah he could.

[Bert Kreischer]

Be lost in the jungle right now and we're just living our lives yeah.

[Tom Segura]

He he loves that how unplugs for months.

[Bert Kreischer]

It'S off pitch how much would you fund an expedition to track down ari two of our listeners two of our listeners two guys we'll fund it we they do all the research you got to be out of work you got to be out of work you got to have nothing to do we'll fund it we're going to pay your rent for while you're gone but we're going to have you go to track down ari and just recognize him and ask for a picture i would but.

[Tom Segura]

It'S got to be that we really truly have no like if somebody actually is like oh i know he's in ecuador yeah then it's not as fun.

[Bert Kreischer]

It'S not as fun but it would be fun.

[Tom Segura]

You'Ll get a lot of volunteers for this man yeah yeah and.

[Bert Kreischer]

Go just all we need to do is track down ari and just say.

[Tom Segura]

You just you haven't responded to this.

[Bert Kreischer]

Email yeah just be like hey bert texted you and you didn't respond yeah that's all hey he wants you to respond and then just take off then leave and hand him a phone and go get back online yeah fucking guy.

[Tom Segura]

I know he's done this multiple times like where are you he's just like he likes it in southeast asia he.

[Bert Kreischer]

Likes it and this is what i i mean obviously everyone knows i love ari but this is what i do respect about ari is he's not he's doing it for intrinsic value he's not doing it i mean i'm certain there's a part of him that does it and i he'll he'll lie about this but there's a part of him that does it for the grandstanding of i'm offline i'm disappearing this is who i am i'm different than you guys he's the part of him that's that he's.

[Tom Segura]

The biggest advocate in the people that we know of put your phones down yeah he's he really lives by he.

[Bert Kreischer]

Does he started saying that after the kobe thing but the he was like guys you're getting offline is really dangerous out there no but he really does it like there's a part of him that does it i think and i think this is a curious thing there's a performative part of it where he says i'm going to disappear for nine months no one will see me right yeah but then it's also very real is that he's doing it for intrinsic value he's doing it to really get off the grid and be present and live his life and not think about social media and not think about his career and not think you can't deny that despite the fact there is a performativeness of it that it is done for intrinsic value oh yeah yeah that.

[Tom Segura]

He does yes i think he does it just to better himself and remove himself from the chaos of the the western world and the the ladder climbing capitalistic bullshit that everybody's in yeah i think he does it for that really does and tries to enrich himself he.

[Bert Kreischer]

Was never tell you about the time me and him hung out with tracy.

[Tom Segura]

Morgan i hung out with him one.

[Bert Kreischer]

Time dude he is he is tracy morgan is just pure comedy like he's pure personality he's pure comedy and you know when you think about like there's levels of like when you look at black comics and i'm just saying black comics because that scene was a scene yeah when in when i started in the nineties that scene was a scene there are dudes that are naturally funny like offstage on stage naturally funny and then there's guys that are not naturally funny but they're very very funny yeah they're on stage they're very funny like i don't think i don't think like anyone's ever going to say mike epps is the funniest fucking dude you you see him and when you talk to him he's just fucking he's hilarious dude.

[Tom Segura]

He'S hysterical mike epps has been hilarious.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hilarious since day one and his energy is kind of it's got a little.

[Tom Segura]

Pimp to it yeah he used to deal drugs and too yeah mike epps.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is one he was another guy that i knew in new york and i didn't know if he knew me i never remembered me and i ran into him one time i was like mike epps it's bert chrysler and he's like birdie bird and i was like it was like i don't know what it was like him and him and cat williams was the other one that i was like i didn't know if he knew i don't know why it was important that if they knew who i was i think it's just respect it from your peers well yeah but also.

[Tom Segura]

Black approval just feels so good it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Does yeah it does why it just does dude john mulaney came up to me he's like i like your last special and i was like off no i didn't say that he didn't say that either okay i don't think john mulaney and i would have anything to talk about i don't know there's i i don't read he does read a lot like six hundred page books i.

[Tom Segura]

Mean that's not probably the only thing you could talk about john i'd have.

[Bert Kreischer]

More to talk about jon stewart than john mulaney i would have i would have let me i would i would have more to talk about with jerry seinfeld than john mulaney i take that back i'd have zero to talk about jerry seinfeld i don't think jerry seinfeld and i i think i think he'd do a lot of this to me.

[Tom Segura]

Huh he's like the shirt really the.

[Bert Kreischer]

Shirts off he called one time someone called me i just got a call from jerry seinfeld about you i was like what about he was like he asked what's your what's your deal i was like cool i was like what did you say and i was like i said you're a great guy and like but jerry seinfeld just called me.

[Tom Segura]

About you that's pretty crazy yeah he.

[Bert Kreischer]

Didn'T call me he could have called me and asked me about me i would have been like hey jerry big.

[Tom Segura]

Fan yeah whatever that might still happen.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't think so you don't know that you said my name right when he introduced me on stage one time what where kreischer where the store where.

[Tom Segura]

What if he loves free burt i.

[Bert Kreischer]

Don'T think he will i'm almost certain he won't okay i think he's i think you know it's it i think it would be hard to like any sitcom once you had done it perfect well that yeah you know what i mean like it's like like i look at young comics who post clips online and i go huh yep got it okay we we all went through that material oh yeah no but it's like it's hard because you're like once you've done comedy for twenty five years you're like no i understand we all experience that at one point it's like when a lot of new dads will do like like new dad material yeah like i've been there but the authentic thing about like what i love about what you're doing is you're telling stories about the actual child yeah and and you're creating a character when you i look i i hacky i did a pregnancy joke about when leanne gave birth every i heard fucking radio guys tell the same fucking bit yeah and i was like i was like yeah but in.

[Tom Segura]

The in the moment you're like oh i'm experiencing this i have a take.

[Bert Kreischer]

On this do you remember when you called me one time you're like have you ever been on a cruise yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And i was like oh my god.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude my fucking cardiologist is calling none.

[Tom Segura]

You want to get it i think it's in this circumstance it's fine you've in had some health issues interesting you're not going to answer it the guy who might be like no no okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

My blood pressure this morning was seventy five over fifty three that's very low super low oh yeah i was almost passed out it was after my workout.

[Tom Segura]

Do you ever stand up and almost.

[Bert Kreischer]

Pass out yeah yeah with all the beds i'm on sixteen meds yeah every now oh i didn't mention testosterone manjaro bpp one set fifty seven and srr thirty three yeah no i'm a my chemical romance i am just chemicals right now except for the one i like alcohol and coffee no coffee no coffee no alcohol no marijuana no nothing no.

[Tom Segura]

Coffee is a big bummer buddy.

[Bert Kreischer]

I sneak it i don't tell anyone that's.

[Tom Segura]

That yeah that's what they say to do that's coffee no i put a.

[Bert Kreischer]

Shot of espresso in there in what in my shake i don't tell leanne oh and bake a shot espresso and i just pour it in there and.

[Tom Segura]

I don't tell anyone she's listening downstairs.

[Bert Kreischer]

She'S not listening the it's like when you ever you ever i know i can't have hot sauce but then sometimes i'll accidentally spill it on my plate and go oh my god what the that i'll just stop it up with.

[Tom Segura]

This why can't you have hot sauce.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because i have violent diarrhea and i get sick yeah yeah but then i go i don't know why i still have hot sauce yeah but i still put it on and i know that i'm going to be sick i know i'm going to wake up in the middle of the night and just and i go it doesn't matter i'm just.

[Tom Segura]

Doing it anyway yeah i do that sometimes i do that sometimes where i go this is going to really make me pay a price it's like guys.

[Bert Kreischer]

Deep fry it's like guys who cheat but they go i'm not i didn't her i let her suck my dick.

[Tom Segura]

That'S not the same i don't know.

[Bert Kreischer]

It'S fine i've never cheated no of course maybe the all right two bears.

[Tom Segura]

Five k two bears five k krispy kreme two bears five k may ninth netflix is a joke festival it's going to be a blast are you going.

[Bert Kreischer]

To be are you going to be there yeah of course will you do my show with shaq when i think it's the night before the five k maybe we should get shaq to run the five k all he's got to take is seven steps.

[Tom Segura]

Where are you doing your show where is this comedy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Store oh that's awesome we're just doing what we're doing is we're filling the room with all of shaq's friends all of my friends maybe all you got to do is sit in the front row we just want interesting people for the guys on stage to talk to so it's all crowd workshop it's all crowd work it's all improv it's no material it's just around in the room no no recordings all the cell phones are taken yeah it's just and then if you have a joke about shaq please make it okay because shaq loves getting roasted that's fun and so it'll be a blast and shaq loves you.

[Tom Segura]

So we have that free burts out.

[Bert Kreischer]

Free birds out thank you everyone for.

[Tom Segura]

Watching teacher my specials on netflix watch that love you love you guys we'll see you soon burt tom tom and.

[Bert Kreischer]

Bert one goes topless while the other wears a shirt tom tells stories and bert's the machine there's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean here's what we call two bears one cave.