2 Bears, 1 Cave: "Bert's Not Dead" Episode Summary

Podcast: 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Hosts: Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Release Date: February 9, 2026
Studio: YMH Studios

Episode Overview

This episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave finds Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer in classic form, riffing on food nostalgia, health scares, donuts, performance-enhancing substances, and the absurdities of modern life. Bert delves into his recent health issues, including a blood clot scare and the impact it’s had on his lifestyle. The duo explores fast food debates, family quirks, the world of donuts, and even propose a comical fan expedition to find comic Ari Shaffir. Their banter is at once personal, hilarious, and unexpectedly vulnerable.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Fast Food Wars & Food Nostalgia

• (00:00–05:41)

• Bert passionately declares the Whopper and Baconator superior to the Big Mac (“…does not hold a candle to a Whopper with cheese” – Bert, 00:05), but allows McDonald’s fries reign supreme.
• Childhood memories at Hooters resurface, including the infamous “scalp hunters” college group and Bert’s poetic praise of Hooters breaded wings and seafood sandwiches (02:00–02:20).
• Both recall Outback Steakhouse and the American misconception that it represents actual Australian cuisine (“…so many people believe Outback is a direct rep of Australian lifestyle” – Tom, 02:55).

Memorable Quotes:

• "I want [McDonald's fries] to burn my fingers… and my mouth.” – Bert, 00:42
• “Blooming onion is a death bomb.” – Tom, 03:18

2. Food Calamities & Caloric Confessions

• (03:09–06:09)

• Tom recalls making himself sick over a Bloomin’ Onion and the caloric horror it entails.
• Bert shares a story about eating lobster at Outback and ending up with a bacterial infection, vowing to only order steak at steak houses (04:02–05:39).

3. Health, Meds & Benadryl Addictions

• (05:39–09:35)

• Bert reveals his recent medical emergency: a blood clot traveling from his leg to lungs, leading to a cocktail of daily medications and no alcohol for six months.
• Discussion about non-consensus in health advice, from blood thinners to dosage confusion with doctors.
• Both hosts share their quasi-addictions: Bert swears by Benadryl for sleep, Tom sings its praises as well (08:42–09:03).

Notable Quotes:

• “Benadryl is better than Xanax… you sleep great.” – Bert, 08:51

4. Skepticism Around Sleep Apnea & Big Pharma

• (09:09–11:19)

• Bert rails against CPAP machines, saying the sleep apnea machine business is a lucrative medical racket (“I don't believe in it… I just don't believe in it.” – Bert, 09:19).
• Tom counters by describing Bert’s own possible symptoms and the weird subjectivity of today’s medical advice.

5. Cultural Brand Loyalty: Soda & Donuts

• (14:34–18:33)
• (22:41–27:52)

• Bert describes his daughter Isla’s oddball commitment to Pepsi Zero Sugar, including how “Pepsi country” loyalties differ by region.
• Discussion of the classic “Pepsi Challenge” and nostalgia around old-school TV marketing battles (17:33–18:08).
• Bert reveals his move to buy a donut shop in LA, launching a competition with Tom over croissants (22:41–23:12).
• Deep dive into LA’s donut shop history, the rise of Cambodian and Vietnamese donut shop owners, and why so many local LA donuts are mediocre (24:49–25:29).
• The importance of authenticity, sandwich artistry in Asian-owned donut shops, and a plan to upgrade product while preserving the “realness” of the staff and menu.

Notable Quotes:

• "Get the donuts. Donuts in LA suck.” – Bert, 23:37
• “Asians take shit seriously.” – Bert, 26:18

6. Best Donut Chains & Regional Donut Devotion

• (27:52–34:29)

• Tom and Bert debate Winchell's, Voodoo Donuts, Dunkin’ Donuts, and Krispy Kreme.
• Tom: “Krispy Kreme is just about one donut… that hot and ready glaze” (29:16).
• Bert talks Krispy Kreme nostalgia, its origins, and eventual revelation about ownership’s problematic past (Nazi ties discussed at 31:57–33:00), spinning into dark humor.

7. Health Scares, Vulnerability, & The Five K Challenge

• (41:24–44:57)

• Announcement for the Two Bears 5K event during Netflix Is A Joke Festival, with personal stories from Jelly Roll’s previous life-changing experience at the race (41:52).
• Bert’s health scare gets real: detailed recounting of a pulmonary embolism experience, the medical panic, and a new appreciation for physical wellness (45:14–49:08).

Memorable Quotes:

• “You look at people fatter—and I did that all the time—and go ‘Thank God that’s not me’… until […] I was that guy.” – Bert, 46:59

8. Miscellaneous Banter: Ari Shaffir, Fame, Peer Approval

• (51:37–56:10)

• Tangent about whether Ari Shaffir could disappear for months without anyone knowing and joking about sending fans to find him.
• Riffing on fame, peer recognition, and the social realities of being a public figure—even among comics.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• [00:05] Bert: “Big Mac… does not hold a candle to a Whopper with cheese or to a Baconator.”
• [02:34] Bert on Outback: “Ever since Aussies kind of dropped off after Crocodile Dundee, that was their shoe in the door.”
• [03:18] Tom: “Blooming onion is a death bomb.”
• [08:51] Bert: “Benadryl is better than Xanax… you sleep great.”
• [09:19] Bert: “I don’t believe in [the CPAP]. I now understand.”
• [17:24] Tom: “It does taste better than Coke Zero. It does, it tastes better.”
• [23:37] Bert: “Get the donuts. Donuts in LA suck.”
• [25:29] Bert on Ted Ngoy: “He is in charge of all the donuts in LA.”
• [29:16] Tom: “Krispy Kreme is just about one donut…it’s that hot and ready glaze.”
• [46:59] Bert: "You look at people fatter—and I did that all the time—and go ‘Thank God that’s not me’… until […] I was that guy."
• [56:08] Tom: “Black approval just feels so good.”

Important Segments & Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment | Notes | |-------------|-------------------------------------------|---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 00:00–05:41 | Fast food nostalgia | McDonald's, Whopper, Outback, Hooters stories | | 05:41–09:35 | Health scare, pills, sleep discussions | Bert details medical crisis and medications, Benadryl sleep aid | | 14:34–18:33 | Pepsi/Coke loyalty and family quirks | Isla's Pepsi obsession, TV marketing nostalgia | | 22:41–27:52 | Donut shop economics and heritage | Bert buys a donut shop, LA donut culture, sandwich artistry | | 29:16–33:35 | Krispy Kreme vs. Dunkin’, donut debates | Chain loyalty, cultural roots, Nazi Germany ownership tangent | | 41:24–44:57 | The Two Bears 5K and wellness | Event announcement, Jelly Roll transformation, fostering health community | | 45:14–49:08 | Bert’s deep health scare story | Cat scan, blood clots, wisdom from the hospital | | 51:37–56:10 | Ari Shaffir’s mysterious absences, fame | Comic disappearance, fan expedition proposal, black peer approval and respect in comedy |

Closing Thoughts

This episode masterfully blends classic Two Bears themes—absurd food debates, intimate medical updates, and the idiosyncratic bonds of middle-aged friendship. It’s both riotously funny and startlingly candid, with Bert’s honesty about health and Tom’s grounded skepticism providing a strong emotional anchor. The episode is a must-listen for both loyal fans and newcomers seeking a crash course in the show’s signature blend of irreverence and heart.