Bob Dylan Sucks | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Bob Dylan Sucks" | 2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Podcast Information:

• Title: 2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
• Host/Author: YMH Studios
• Episode: Bob Dylan Sucks
• Release Date: March 10, 2025

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1. Introduction to Comedic Strength

The episode kicks off with a humorous debate between Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer about who holds the title of the "strongest comedian."

• Bert Kreischer [00:12]: "The strongest comedian living this."
• Tom Segura [00:25]: "I think you're probably top ten."

The conversation playfully explores the notion of physical strength within the comedy community, leading to a discussion about Bert's impressive bench press feat.

2. Bert’s 325-Pound Bench Press Achievement

Bert Kreischer shares his experience of bench pressing 325 pounds, detailing the mental and physical challenges he faced.

• Tom Segura [02:16]: "I was proud of you."
• Bert Kreischer [03:19]: "It's a mental. It's mental."

They delve into the statistics of how rare it is to bench such weights, with Bert asserting, "Only 0.01% of the world can bench 325 pounds." Tom adds his perspective on dedicated weightlifters, mentioning, "There's a couple freak shows for sure, like genetic anomalies."

3. Navigating the Stand-Up Comedy Tour

The duo reminisces about their experiences on tour, highlighting the unpredictability of live performances and the pressure comedians face.

• Tom Segura [04:14]: "Especially, you know, the first time you tour on a big scale."
• Bert Kreischer [07:01]: "I get nervous at Red Rocks, I get nervous at the Greek."

They discuss how audience reactions can vary drastically from one city to another, with Tom explaining his method of gauging the night's potential based on initial audience behavior.

4. Balancing Career and Personal Life

Bert opens up about the challenges of maintaining a work-life balance, especially when overwhelmed by numerous commitments.

• Bert Kreischer [14:43]: "When I see Shane make tires or Gillian Keeves, that was all just fun."
• Tom Segura [15:36]: "Well then also maybe try not to get yourself in that same place again."

Bert emphasizes the importance of downsizing and reintroducing playfulness into his work to prevent burnout.

5. Social Media and Privacy Woes

A candid segment where Bert discusses the pitfalls of social media, including embarrassing moments caused by his niece's interactions with his online content.

• Bert Kreischer [21:48]: "Don't put Fat Burt God damn it off. This is why I can't be online."
• Tom Segura [25:14]: "I'm getting a lot of war videos."

They share humorous anecdotes about unintended content appearing on their social media feeds and the challenges of managing online presence.

6. Language Learning and Cultural Insights

Tom segues into his experiences learning Spanish in Spain, highlighting the nuances and diversity within Spanish dialects across different regions.

• Tom Segura [51:41]: "I started. By month three, I started to dream in Spanish."
• Bert Kreischer [56:02]: "Argentina has a huge, huge Italian and Spanish population."

The conversation explores how immersion is key to language proficiency and the distinct characteristics of Spanish as spoken in Spain, Mexico, and Caribbean countries.

7. Critique of Modern Cinema and the Oscars

The hosts express their skepticism about the relevance and quality of recent Oscar-nominated films, questioning the disconnect between Hollywood productions and mainstream audience interests.

• Bert Kreischer [63:21]: "I think the movie experience has changed entirely."
• Tom Segura [66:55]: "Bob Dylan is the absolute least important human being to me on earth."

They critique the box office performance of nominated films and lament the shift in what constitutes a "blockbuster," with a particular disdain for Bob Dylan's involvement in contemporary cinema.

8. The Great Food Refrigeration Debate

A spirited debate ensues over which foods should be refrigerated, showcasing their differing opinions and humorous disagreements.

• Bert Kreischer [37:31]: "Ketchup."
• Tom Segura [37:55]: "I prefer it refrigerated."

Topics covered include ketchup, butter, cheese, eggs, and milk, with each comedian presenting their rationale and personal preferences, often leading to playful banter and laughter.

Conclusion

The episode wraps up with the hosts contemplating future topics, including historical figures and societal observations, maintaining their trademark blend of humor and candid conversation.

• Bert Kreischer [67:52]: "We have to talk about Deuce Cruden."
• Tom Segura [68:01]: "Tom and Bert, One goes tops while the other wears a shirt."

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Notable Quotes:

• Bert Kreischer [03:19]: "It's a mental. It's mental."
• Tom Segura [04:14]: "Especially, you know, the first time you tour on a big scale."
• Bert Kreischer [14:43]: "When I see Shane make tires or Gillian Keeves, that was all just fun."
• Tom Segura [37:55]: "I prefer it refrigerated."
• Tom Segura [51:41]: "I started. By month three, I started to dream in Spanish."

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This episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave offers a blend of personal anecdotes, humorous debates, and insightful discussions, providing listeners with an engaging glimpse into the lives and minds of two of comedy’s favorite friends. Whether tackling the challenges of physical strength, the unpredictability of stand-up tours, or the intricacies of language learning, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer deliver an entertaining and relatable conversation that resonates with both fans and newcomers alike.

Transcript

[Bert Kreischer]

100%.

[Tom Segura]

Welcome to another episode of Two Bears One Cave. I'm here with my buddy Bertrand, the.

[Bert Kreischer]

Strongest comedian living this.

[Tom Segura]

The strongest living comedian.

[Bert Kreischer]

Am I the strongest comedian? Am I the strongest comedian?

[Tom Segura]

I don't know. That's a good question.

[Bert Kreischer]

Top five. Top ten.

[Tom Segura]

I think you're probably top ten.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, here's easy.

[Tom Segura]

No, wait, you mean like known comedian? Because there's a lot.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm sure there's dudes that are.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Probably unknown. That are power lifters that are just getting into it.

[Tom Segura]

Juice heads and. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, Carrot top. Carrot top.

[Tom Segura]

You think he's up there?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know. I don't know.

[Tom Segura]

I bet Godfrey. Godfrey's probably strong.

[Bert Kreischer]

Godfrey's probably strong. I don't know. 325. I mean, let's talk about it. Okay, you brought it up.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's a. It's a Google. How many people in the world can bench £325?

[Tom Segura]

Let's see. That's a.

[Bert Kreischer]

How many centimeters in an inch?

[Tom Segura]

Wow. Less than 10%. Less than 10%.

[Bert Kreischer]

Only a small percentage. Less than 10% can bench 310.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's so funny. That's not what I got on. On when I Googled it, it was like 0.01% of the world. I think that's.10% of the world. Can bench 325 pounds. That's a lot of strong.

[Tom Segura]

Well, I say it is saying less than 10, which is pretty broad. Less than 10%.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think it's 0.01.

[Tom Segura]

I know that if you do £400 bench. Oh, that's.

[Bert Kreischer]

I got one readout that said, there you go.

[Tom Segura]

Of dedicated weightlifters. That's not. Of the population of dedicated weightlifters can do.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you think there's people in the population that could bench £400 that don't lift weights?

[Tom Segura]

There's a couple freak shows for sure. Like genetic anomalies, you know, like farmers, sons who are just out there hauling hay every day that are like freak shows. Yeah. But most of the time, this is like somebody really dedicated to doing that. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So walk me through how you felt when you saw the video of me benching £325.

[Tom Segura]

Well, I was proud of you. I didn't. I didn't. It went through a phase where, like, at first, you know, you were like, I don't know if I can. I'm doing. This is when you had the. The first date, which was like, I think New Year's Day.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And you were like, I've gotten. I forget 290 or something. And you were going to do 305 or 315?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I did three. I did. Right before New Year's. I did 305 twice, and then I did 315, but it was like touch and go.

[Tom Segura]

Well, I thought. When. I thought before that, when you were like, I've gotten 290 or something, I was like, yeah, it's. You know, you might. You might not. It was like, kind of up in the air. Once you told me you were moving it but upping the weight, I actually thought you were crazy for a second because you're like, I got this. But now I'm. I'm moving the day and I'm raising the. The weight. I was like, that's pretty crazy because if you're not there, you're making it much harder.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Then when you told me you had done a couple reps of 305, I was pretty. I was pretty certain you were going to get it.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's interesting how you can do the math about that. But even still, Arnold kind of me up and he was like. He's like. He's like, it's crazy. Sometimes you get. You get £350 and then they put on two and a halfs and you can't get it off your chest. Yeah, it's mental. It's mental. And then.

[Tom Segura]

Do you think that's true? I also think there's days, like I tell you, my. My dad used to track all his lifts, and he. In a journal, right. And he was doing Olympic lifting. But he said he also would write down, like, how he. How he was going into that day. So, like, I was super tired or energized, thinking there'd be a correlation between, like, I feel like. And bad lifts or I feel great and good lifts. And he was like, they never lined up.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really.

[Tom Segura]

I could go in there, feel like I didn't sleep well, whatever, and have a great lift, and then I would have great feeling days and have bad lifts.

[Bert Kreischer]

Did you. Do you feel like that was stand up sometimes?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, that's interesting. Yeah, kind of. I know. Especially, you know, the first time you tour on a big scale. Like, for me, that would have been, I don't know, probably like 2016 or 17. So I'm, like, going into theaters, and you would clock like, oh, I'm in. I'm just making it up. But, like, I'm in Madison. The show was great. And then you go, so Madison only has great shows. Like, that's the Your brain registers it and you go to Indy. The show sucked. You're like, so Indy sucks. Then you come through the next time and you're like, so Madison will be great. And it's not great. You're like, what the fuck? And then Indy's not. And Indy is great. And you're like, oh, this is totally an inverse of what I thought. And then the more you. You tour, you realize that every night it can go any which way. There are certain indicators, like, I feel like small indicators. They're not 100%, but for me, I always check out before that. Like when the show's about to begin, I get on the vog for the. The voice of God Mike for. For the. For the comic that is going to go on stage for. And when that thing goes on, like, the lights have been turned off. If the lights turn off and they're just like silence. You're like, what the. And then you go.

[Bert Kreischer]

You just get quiet like they're about to see a play.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And you're. And then you go like, hey, you know, Memphis, how you guys feeling tonight? And it's just like a smattering of applause. You're like, are there people out there?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, and.

[Tom Segura]

And it's just like. It's one of those things where you go, oh, that feels like that might inform what this next hour and a half is going to be like. You know, conversely, like when you hear lights go off and they go. And you're like, how you guys doing? And they go, you're like, oh, we got a live one here. I would say it's pretty. Like it pretty much informs how that night's gonna go to a degree, but it's just not a hundred percent. You can sometimes still have it go, oh, I thought it was gonna be shitty because of that and it was good. Or I thought they were going to be great and it was kind of, you know, flatter. But I do feel like paying attention to how they react to, like the first time they're hearing, you know, oh, the show is starting. It's a big indicator. I mean, I don't know if you had it on your last. I also had. I was thinking about this week shows that I was like, man, I don't understand how that was such a bad. No, like, I guess you don't go, I don't understand how it's so good on other. Because sometimes it's so good and you go, well, that's the best. Yeah, it's so good that you go, that was the best. But it's also just the roll of the dice.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's better if I don't care about the show.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, you have to care. But you can't be like high pressure on it, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, I get nervous. I get nervous at Red Rocks, I get nervous at the Greek. Anything big, L.A. yeah, no, no, no, not like the Gorge. I wasn't nervous, but like Red Rocks is a big one for me. Like I'm really, I'm doing, I'm doing. I don't. We haven't announced it, but I'm doing Red Rocks again this year. I get nervous at the Greek. I don't know. I think because I invest, I put a lot into it. Like, the Greek really made me nervous. Red Rocks always, always made me nervous. But that's why I like doing Red.

[Tom Segura]

Rocks, cuz it makes me nervous.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't always get nervous like that. Like, are you going to get nervous doing Madison Square Garden?

[Tom Segura]

Maybe a little. Huh?

[Bert Kreischer]

That's like a tent pole.

[Tom Segura]

I think only because it's not that it's MSG for me, it's that in New York, I never feel like the, like New York and LA crowds to me are a little more kind of judgy and a little like, like I'm, I'm not impressed. Just so you know, like is how they kind of feel. And so that's the part that kind of makes me like, oh, are they going to be. It's not that, like I'm in this space. Even though I have great admiration for msg, it's just that like, I go, what kind of, like, what kind of crowd showing up? You know, Because I've had New York shows where you're like, what the fuck was that?

[Bert Kreischer]

And Chris, Chris DiStefano is doing Madison Square Garden on 911 now.

[Tom Segura]

He came with me last week and he came with me.

[Bert Kreischer]

I just saw that. That's what made me think about this. I just saw him with you in Chicago.

[Tom Segura]

He got such a pop when he went up there. Really? I told him, I was like, hey, you might have to calm yourself down. He's like, really? I go, well, yeah, because you're a surprise guest and he's. This audience knows you. So when, when they hear you get announced and you pop up, I go, it's going to, they're going to go crazy. And they did, they went nuts. Yeah, it was awesome to watch. And he was, he had a, he had a great set. He. It was, it was so fun, but it was, it was lit there, dude. It was like we're about just a hair under 17,000 people. And they were like. I mean, it's Chicago. Like, they were energetic and like, he. Yeah, he had a. He had a great set. I had the most fun doing that show and seizure in that show.

[Bert Kreischer]

Someone had a seizure? Yeah, someone had a seizure. My. My lucky taping.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, really?

[Bert Kreischer]

During the taping, someone had a seizure, and I was like, great, we won't use this list.

[Tom Segura]

I'm, like, working the round, so I'm, like, working it, you know, like, kind of. You don't just stay planted, which is like. The different thing is you're like. You're here, and then you walk over here, and then you walk. So at first, I just see some people standing in this area, but you also see people trying to get to their seats, and you can't, like, acknowledge everything, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So I make another loop on my second loop around, I go, what's going on? And they're like, she's having a seizure. And I go, oh, Jesus. I go, hey, do you want the lights on? Because that's more important.

[Bert Kreischer]

Turn the lights on and off real quick. Just everyone. Click, click.

[Tom Segura]

I go, you want to light her up? Because that's more important than what I'm doing. And. And then the guy goes, now we're good. And I go, okay. And then I just see, like, medical personnel. I'm like, I think I should just hold a beat while you guys do this. It's kind of weird to keep going. And then they, like. They put her in a stretcher, and they. They, like, wheeled her out. And then I saw the people around her sit down, and I go, hey, do you want to leave with her? Because, like, that's kind of. And they're like, oh, we're not with her. I was like, oh, okay. Well, I hope she lives. And then everyone's like, oh. I'm like, well, I mean, what do you mean to say? Like, I don't. We did a Hail Mary as an arena for her, and then I realized, oh, the prayer. The prayer. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't throw a ball to her. I just. I was like, just. We just.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was like, wait, you did a whole Mary?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, Hail Mary. And then I was like, I think I up, because I thought. I think she may have had a hijab on. So then I just prayed to Allah also. But. Yeah, yeah, but I mean, yeah, I think. I think she's okay. I don't know who she could not be okay. I didn't. I didn't understand what happened.

[Bert Kreischer]

After I. I had an interesting moment when I saw that picture that we have up right now. That's you in Chicago. And I haven't been really on social media a ton. I've been trying to stay off it just for mental health, because sometimes I'm being very candid and honest. Sometimes I will see a picture like this, and I'm not touring, and it'll bum me out. I'll go, what am I doing with my life? I wish I could do something like this. And I was with Leanne in bed, and I saw that. I saw the list of pictures, and it looked so fun.

[Tom Segura]

It was fun.

[Bert Kreischer]

You got the jerseys.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You got the. You're with the Stefano, and it's just so cool.

[Tom Segura]

Jeff Tate was there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, Jeff Tate. And I was in bed with Leanne, and I was like, I'm not doing with my career.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God, you're crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I was like, I gotta. I gotta get on the road. I gotta get back on tour. And I was like, I gotta do Chicago. I want to do the United Center. And she was like, wait, didn't you do it last time you were in Chicago? I was like, did I? She goes, yeah. And then I look, and I have the exact same fucking picture of me in United Center. And I'm like, God damn it. How can you get. How is it that you can get sad when you see someone doing something, but then you've also done the same thing? And then you. But you. But it reflects on you internally, like. You know what I mean? It's, like, such a weird thing to, like, see someone on vacation, and it bums you out. And you're like, wait, I've been to that exact resort.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, I see people on vacation, and I go, oh, man, I wish I could do that. I was in Spain. I was in Spain looking at people on vacation going, I want to go on vacation.

[Tom Segura]

You're like, I'm on vacation.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. What the fuck?

[Tom Segura]

Wait, how was Spain?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, amazing. Yeah, Amazing. Amazing. I'll tell you what, we need to incorporate siestas.

[Tom Segura]

Siestas are great.

[Bert Kreischer]

And by the way, I was. I think my Spanish is really good.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then. And Georgia speaks Spanish.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And Georgia was in doing an impression of me speaking Spanish, and it was like, me like, Campari. Me want me one ice. Me want ice. Ice, ice. More ice. More ice.

[Tom Segura]

Is she loving it there?

[Bert Kreischer]

She loves it. Yeah, she loves it. She is. She's speaking Spanish. And. Yeah, I'm having the time of her life. And. And we went and Visited Islet College. Isla's happier than ever. Just Leanne and I sad as alone in a house. Just me and her. Every day, Tom.

[Tom Segura]

Good.

[Bert Kreischer]

Every day.

[Tom Segura]

Well, now I see why you want to go on the road. Don't you feel like you, you, you had a much needed break? Don't you think this has been good for you though too?

[Bert Kreischer]

It's been really good for me. It's been really good for me to slow down, I think. Can I tell you the biggest thing? And this is maybe a little inside baseball, but like when. I think when you're that busy, sometimes people ask you to do creative stuff and you don't have the bandwidth for it and so it comes out mediocre. And so like, like I'll give you a perfect example is like promo videos. They would tell me like, we needed on sale video for. And I'd just be like, I get so many of those because, you know, you have an on sale video for, for a show, you gotta. I need a promo video for Porosos. I need a promo video for our 5K. I need a promo video for your special. You have a movie coming out. We need to do a promo for that. And you have all this stuff that you just. All of a sudden I feel like the fun gets pulled out of the job when the job was never intended to be work. It was meant to be fun. It is work, but it should be fun work.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And that's when it's at its best, is like when. And that's why I think when you see. I'll use Shane as an example, but when you see Shane make tires or Gillian Keeves, that was all just fun. It wasn't work yet. His. His calendar wasn't loaded. All he had to do was sit in an apartment with his boys and try to make each other laugh. And that's the beauty of the playfulness of stand up, you know. And I think I had subtracted that out of it and gotten so many plates spinning that I couldn't have fun with anything. I just was like, I looked at everything as another job. And I think I'm glad, I'm glad, glad that I got the opportunity to kind of slow down because now I'm having fun and trying to like writing jokes and shooting content. That's fun and, and I enjoy, and I'm enjoying, I'm enjoying doing podcasts that I'm not, that I'm not promoting anything. I'm just going on to do a podcast.

[Tom Segura]

Well then also maybe try not to get yourself in that same place again. Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's my goal is. My goal is to downsize a little bit and bring it backwards so that I don't have as much shit coming at me and just have fun with stuff. Like, you know what I said? I was like, I miss when you first moved to Austin, I said this to Leanne, I said, I miss when you first moved to Austin. Because I missed that. That was. That was literally just a day of nothing. I love when you come here. I love when you come here. But when you come here, you get to have the fun of. I'm going to stay at a hotel, I'm going to be. I'm going to go work out in the morning, I'm going to take a meeting, I'm going to come to a podcast. But when I went to Austin, I had to get to have that fun.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was like, yo, I'm coming in, I'm gonna work out. We're gonna go out to dinner that night, we're gonna go party, we're gonna do a couple podcasts. And I was like, I told Leanne, I was like, I gotta. I gotta start coming out to Austin more.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, come out more.

[Bert Kreischer]

I want to go to in June. I want to spend like two weeks out there. And just. Because it's like, it's because, you know, the other thing, it's like with stand up, I. I mean, I know you feel this, but like, when you're in Austin and you're doing stand up and you go to the club that night, you've had a full day of the Boys Christine podcasts, work meetings, script meetings. Super. And then all of a sudden you go to the club and you're like, I haven't thought about stand up all day. And now I'm supposed to do it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

When you're on the road, you're like, yo, I'm. I'm gonna. I'm gonna just do stand up tonight. That's all I'm thinking about, a stand up.

[Tom Segura]

That's true.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I kind of want to get back to that. Yeah, Especially with your stand up is like. That's why I was like. I told Leanne, I was like, I think I'm gonna go to Austin for like two weeks. Just do the mothership. Literally just do podcasts with Tom. Do the mothership when he's not there. I'll be fine. I'll do. I really wanted to do Lauren Compton's podcast. I do Danny Brown's again. I think his podcast is awesome. So fun, you know, but like, I think that's what I'm trying to do is downsize a little bit and just get it a little back to what it was.

[Tom Segura]

I like it, man. That's a good plan. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think this time off has been good for me.

[Tom Segura]

Taking on too much is not good for anyone, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know.

[Tom Segura]

It's not good for anyone. So how long will she stay in Spain, though? Georgia.

[Bert Kreischer]

She's coming home in, like, a week. Oh, Bob. Yeah, she was there 90 days, okay? The longest you can have a visa.

[Tom Segura]

All right.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's like 90 days.

[Tom Segura]

I'm gonna FaceTime you when she's back, and we'll just talking Spanish in front of you.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was weird when the waitress came up for the very first time we saw her. We haven't seen her, and we haven't seen her work her Spanish. And the waitress comes up and she ordered for us, and I was like, wow. She was like, dad, my Spanish sucks. And I was like, it's better than mine. And I tell everyone I can speak Spanish.

[Tom Segura]

That sounds very you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, God. Yeah, it was cool. Both the girls. Both the girls wanted to just kind of chill out with Leanne. Like, just hang out with her. Like, just even look at, like, Instagram videos, because that's like, Leanne's. Leanne's thread is, like, innocuous.

[Tom Segura]

So weird, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

It's the dumbest. It's like cat videos, people scaring people at work. Like, boo. And then there's some lady, some fat lady going, and Leanne's crying, laughing.

[Tom Segura]

Mine's definitely not like that, dude. Mine is.

[Bert Kreischer]

Have your. Have your boys gotten a hold of your phone and seen your algorithm?

[Tom Segura]

No, and I refuse. By the way. One of their favorite things to do is to take my phone. And they go, hey, I'm Tom. They. They go, I'm Tom. And then they're like, I have your phone. And I always grab. I'm like, don't if that shit's unlocked. I'm like, no, do not look at that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I learned. I learned the hard way with the girls that I couldn't let them open my Safari browser because I don't know what I seen last. And usually it's porn. All right, listen up, you high functioning party animals. Light strike, hard refresher is finally here. Unlike anything the alcohol industry has ever seen. Light strike isn't just a drink. It's a goddamn survival tool, bro. Something like this was introduced to me in Germany when I was in 1995. It is the perfect party Pacer. Why choose between Fun and function. This hydration drink inspired cocktail low key brings its own self care to the party with a crushable mix of coconut water, sea salt and 5% alcohol. By volume, it is non carbonated, gluten free and a great alternative to fizzy hard seltzers or sugar can cocktails. This one right here is. What is this? Smells like peach. Oh, that's freaking good. Life Strike Hard Refresher is launching nationally this month with two flavors. Lemon lime and orange mango. This is orange mango. Drink them cold over ice. You can drink them warm. I'm drinking this one warm and it's not bad. And just watch how fast it disappears. It's crazy. Light Strike is also a proud sponsor of the two bears five can Tampa, Florida May 4 With me, Tommy and Jelly Roll. We will be putting these back because let me tell you something, these are freaking good. Hard Refresher Light Strike, I'm telling you. Learn more about Light strike@drink lightstrike.com or follow them on TikTok and Instagram. Drink lightstrike.com it's @drink Light Strike on Instagram. Light Strike Hard Refresher, an excellent source of 5% alcohol. That's the best read ever. This show is sponsored by Better Help. Think about your favorite leaders, mentors and idols. They don't all have the answers, but they do know when to ask questions or seek support from their community. In a society that glorifies hyper independence, it's easy to forget that we're all better when we have a support system behind us. Man. Therapy can be a source of support for any area in your life. It's time to shift the focus from doing it all to knowing what we're doing better when we ask for help. I have talked a lot about my therapy on these podcasts. I've massively overshared. But it really helps. It really, really, really helps. And you know, I think we all think we got it figured out and we don't need help, but that is not true. It is okay to reach out and have someone get you through a confusing part of your life. And that's what everyone does. And it and it helps. I'm telling you. My name's Bert Kreisler and I'm telling you therapy helps. If you are struggling right now, get better help. BetterHelp is fully online making therapy affordable and convenient. Serving over 5 million people worldwide. Access a diverse network of more than 30,000 credentialed therapists with a wide range of specialties. Easily switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Build your support system with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com bears today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H E-L-P.com bears and then I gave my. My niece Lola my phone, and she went on Instagram.

[Tom Segura]

Oh.

[Bert Kreischer]

And she was like, uncle Bert, what is this? And it's a video. There's two. The first thing she saw was Fat Edward. Summer. Have you seen Fat N Word Summer? Have you seen Fat N Word Summer? Pull up Fat N Word Summer. That was the first thing she saw. Hold for that. That. That is. Don't put Fat Burt God damn it. Off. This is why I can't be online. This is why I can't be on line.

[Tom Segura]

Wait, does that. Does that really auto correct?

[Bert Kreischer]

Stop.

[Tom Segura]

It does. I didn't see.

[Bert Kreischer]

It says, you're Instagram. Instagram. Instagram. Fat N word, Summer.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, I saw it. Okay, so this is it.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, hang on. Okay, go to the inst. Fat N word, Summer.

[Tom Segura]

Wait, do you have to write N word or the actual.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, I can't say the word.

[Tom Segura]

That's what I'm asking.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, you got to say any. You got to say any. You say it. Not any. Any. Any, Summer.

[Tom Segura]

Any. I got it.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, that's the first thing she sees. No. What are you doing? Go to the Google search. Go to the search.

[Tom Segura]

Google search. Okay, that one, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm not seeing. I see ROGAN Talking to Dr. Phil.

[Tom Segura]

I'm looking at the search bar. Hold on, bro. Okay. Fat.

[Bert Kreischer]

There you go. It's right there.

[Tom Segura]

Word. Okay, Summer.

[Bert Kreischer]

With an A. With an A. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. Okay. With an A. The fun way.

[Bert Kreischer]

And now go to the Instagram.

[Tom Segura]

Go to the Instagram.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm sure it's the one that says loading.

[Tom Segura]

That one.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, that's what we went to.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, it. It's probably it. Can someone over here find it? Let me see. Is it a. No.

[Tom Segura]

Is it a song?

[Bert Kreischer]

It's a. It. No, it. It's just a white girl saying.

[Tom Segura]

It's a white girl saying it, but.

[Bert Kreischer]

With a black guy. And I think it's an AI because they're scuba diving together. Private jets.

[Tom Segura]

Are you hearing that? So white girl. Yeah, let's just see if that pulls up. Look, how about the one said fat N words need love, too? I don't know if that's it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, let me see if I can find it on my phone.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, this is so. Yeah. How do you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, I just type the NW into my Phone. All right, well, that's the first thing she sees. I can't believe I can't find this. This is.

[Tom Segura]

How old is this niece of yours?

[Bert Kreischer]

Like four.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, four. Okay. We were talking about, like, a teen four.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's the first thing she and I hear. I hear is like, yeah, it's a fat and wood summer.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then it's a white girl going, it is a fat N word summer.

[Tom Segura]

Is it not Fat N words with fat pockets?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, fat N word summer. I can't believe. It's like a song. It's like a. It's like a music video. But it's like. I think it's an.

[Tom Segura]

It feels like it may have been a dream that you had.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, I almost sent it to you, but I had to get out of my phone so quick.

[Tom Segura]

So you. Did you snag that phone?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, no, that's not the one. I heard it and I looked at it. I was like, what are you watching? And then she went to the next video, and it was a woman pissing on a knocked out man's head.

[Tom Segura]

Oh.

[Bert Kreischer]

She was like, uncle Bert, what are you watching? And I was like, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. You can't look at my algorithm.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's. That's in my algo, too. Too.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And so I. My algorithm is.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah, it's real bad. I'm getting a lot of war videos. A lot of war. Yeah, a lot of war videos, I think from Ukraine. They're pretty rough, man. Yeah. People falling on their heads. And then I get. And then, like, I get some car stuff, and then, I don't know, Greek.

[Bert Kreischer]

I saw a dude. I saw a dude on an electric bike yesterday get hit by a car and wrap his leg around a stop sign, and it broke his leg in a circle. And he realized his leg was probably coming off his body for the rest of his life. There was no fixing that leg.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And his panic he had in that. I saw it on Instagram.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, geez. I thought you witnessed it in person.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no. Having said that, I'm getting a motorcycle.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, that's cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

Shout out to Harley Davidson.

[Tom Segura]

You already got it. Ordered it.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I'm gonna go out and pick it out. They're gonna. We're gonna. They're gonna take me through the whole shop, show me all the different bikes, and I get to pick one out.

[Tom Segura]

Dude, that's fucking cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm really excited. I'm so fucking excited. I've never been more excited in my life. And I'll probably Drive it four or five times in my entire life.

[Tom Segura]

Well, it's fun to know how your friend's gonna die, so that's exciting.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, I think that about you sometimes. I go, it's gonna be in a car.

[Tom Segura]

I could see that. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hang on, hang on. Can I ask you something?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

When you. When did you know they had video of you talking to that lady? Or did that video show up and you found it? The lady that hit your car?

[Tom Segura]

I. I knew it. I knew it. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You knew they had video?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Did you know you were being recorded?

[Tom Segura]

Not at that moment.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

And she also. The moment the video cuts off is the moment the video cuts off. Like, it was. I didn't edit because people were like, oh, it sounds like you were about to get really aggressive with it. I was like, yeah, I did. But they just stopped recording.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's the crazy part is I was wondering. I was wondering if there. If you were. If you were nervous that you might have said something that you didn't want out there.

[Tom Segura]

No, no, I wasn't. I wasn't. I mean, I. It was an insane, like, series of events to, like, watch somebody hit your car, walk up to them and go, hey, you just backed up into my car and have that person look at you in your face and go, I don't think I did. And I'm like, I watched you. And then she goes, I don't think I did. I go, I don't. Not, like, do you think you did? You did? Yeah, I don't think I did. And then you're like, yeah, you're trailer hitch has the paint from my hood on it, you know?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I saw that video of you.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then the next day I saw on, like, Joke World or something. Yeah, yeah, this on Instagram.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, this was. I didn't know I was being recorded, but yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then that's a terrifying feeling when you find out in a heated moment you're being recorded.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, but the. The trailer thing, I was like, lady, I Not only did I watch it, like, there's the trailer hitch and there's the hood of my car. It's like a perfect match. There's the paint.

[Bert Kreischer]

There's the paint.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. It's. It was just nonsense.

[Bert Kreischer]

Now I'm curious. Did. Was there. I want to know what idiot on the Internet blamed you or took her side for it?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, a bunch. A whole bunch.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's crazy. That's crazy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So people on the Internet was like, like, bro, you're rich.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You can just fix it.

[Tom Segura]

If you could afford this car, you can afford to fix it.

[Bert Kreischer]

So no culpability on her hitting the car.

[Tom Segura]

Why would you make this person accountable? And then yeah, just like, hey, man, why are you putting this out there? You're trying to get her in trouble. Like, what? Yeah, good thing you can afford it. You know, if you're gonna drive that car, then just. Yeah, just pay for that. I'm like, wait, what? Like, I watched somebody hit the car. Why wouldn't it be their responsibility?

[Bert Kreischer]

They're like, they should flag those accounts. By the way, I'd interview Putin in a heartbeat.

[Tom Segura]

Interview for sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you fucking kidding me? I'll brush up on my Russian.

[Tom Segura]

My God. I think if your Russians anything like your Spanish, we should just have a translator there.

[Bert Kreischer]

But I'll be good the. You like bear? You like bear? Vodka, take it. Vodka. Take it in mouth.

[Tom Segura]

He'd be. I think he'd be a fun interview. I know. I wonder if the Kremlin will take us up on this offer.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey, by the way, soft pitch Russia, you've got a bad rap with the media. I think you have a few jailed journalists. Time to turn that around, bring us out to Moscow. We interview Putin.

[Tom Segura]

We.

[Bert Kreischer]

We have a good time. We show a good face, but do some fun stuff with him. Some like, archery and shit he probably likes. Right?

[Tom Segura]

Sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

Paint it good. We'll give him a softball interview and that's cool.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, let's see what they say. I'm sure we'll heal back. Can you guys follow up on that? I told you I've been doing a dive on Mussolini lately. I mean.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, you didn't, because do you know what I've been doing a dive on? Yeah, Mussolini.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, really?

[Bert Kreischer]

Let's go.

[Tom Segura]

First of all, you just sent that.

[Bert Kreischer]

In a text and I replied back to you. Yeah, we just were texting about this.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, man, this guy was a piece of work, dude. Like, first of all, he was. He stabbed some. He stabbed a classmate when he was a teen. Right, right. And he got kicked out of boarding school and then.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you talking about. Are you talking about the memoir he wrote?

[Tom Segura]

Dude, his memoir. When he forced himself onto a teen. This is when he's in his 20s. He forced himself onto a teen girl. Like, he was a teen. He was a. A 26, 27 year old man. This girl's 16 years old. He does the unthinkable. He says that when she's. When they're done, she's crying and says, you violated my honor. And his words in his journal were what? Honor what? The man he get, he ends up getting, you know, he marries a woman, leaves her, finds another woman that he really likes. But guess what he likes more than that woman, her 16 year old daughter. So then he marries that girl and then he is. They assume, I mean there's a lot of stuff, there's so much to talk about with him, but they assume that he had presume that he had at least a hundred kids with, out of wedlock with other women during his reign of power. So they would bring women into the, into the compound. And he couldn't be bothered to take his pants or shoes off. He was just like, get over here. Then get rid of them. And then he would have the secret police follow them, be like, just make sure they don't do anything stupid. And he was wild, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

He was a real rascal, that guy.

[Tom Segura]

He was a big time goofball. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And he was a goofball.

[Tom Segura]

He really, he really was.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is.

[Tom Segura]

Of course I'm leaving out the tens and of thousands of murders, but he really. Yeah, I mean he, he put on the. He's the blueprint for fascist dictator.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, he's the guy, he created fascism.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, he's the, he's the grandfather of it.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's the grandfather of fascism. They were called the black shirts were his people and they all wore black shirts. And it. But what Can I tell you what the most fascinating thing about Mussolini in my opinion is?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

The defamation of character that happens after he's, he's killed. So like, after. So like they loved him in Italy when they didn't. They know all the stuff he was doing, but they loved him in Italy. Loved him, loved him. And then, yeah, El Duce. Il Duce. And then they. And then what a fucking. But that same pose, right? That same pose you just did. Yeah, that when they saw that the first time, they're like, fuck, yeah. And they like went crazy. And then they turned that after he died to turn him into a fool. And then they show that pose a little sped up and he looks like a fucking idiot and he's like. And so they did the same thing with Nero in Greece is Nero is not a bad emperor, but like four emperors after him or four Caesars after him or whatever, they kept fucking up and they were like, like, boom. Couldn't last a year, Couldn't last a year. Couldn't last a year. And so the fifth one shows up and he's like, in order for me to succeed, I got to Make Nero look like an asshole. So he created the phrase when Rome burned. Nero played the fiddle. And they did the same thing with, with, with Il Duce that when he died, they just defamed his character so much. They shared all this stuff so that there was never going to be a recollection of him being the guy that they thought he was when he was the leader because he ran the country and they loved him for a long time.

[Tom Segura]

They did. You know what I'm wondering though, is how come we don't have like an awesome modern day Mussolini movie? Like, shouldn't there be a Oscar level movie about him?

[Bert Kreischer]

There should be, right? Yeah. But no one's ever done one about Hitler. That's the other thing. Is everyone the big. Can I tell you, Hitler was like the mean girl of, of these guys. Yeah, like, he was the mean girl. So like everyone, Mussolini, Stalin, they all wanted to be boys. Even Churchill. Like Churchill flew to London or flew to Berlin to meet Hitler and like sit and talk to him. And Hitler's just shined him, was like.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I'm not coming, I'm not coming to that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Everyone, everyone wanted to be Hitler's friend.

[Tom Segura]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

And he just was a mean girl.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I wonder, I wonder if he was just paranoid about meeting people, people like once he knew, you know, because there was. So here's some, by the way, some movies. Last Days of Mussolini is a 74 film about his final days when he tried to flee Milan. Robbing Mussolini is a 2022 Italian action film about plans to steal his treasure. And Tea with Mussolini is a period film that depicts the end of the English expat community in Florence. Yeah, but I'm talking about like, you know what I mean, like a Schindler's list level movie about this guy. It feels like there's definitely that story there. It's just a matter of who wants to tell it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Wait, can I ask you. I've gotten to a big argument today about refrigeratable foods.

[Tom Segura]

Yes. This is a great transition.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, so I'm going to tell you food and you tell me if it's definitely refrigeratable. Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Refrigerate. Like is this.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is it.

[Tom Segura]

Does it require refrigeration?

[Bert Kreischer]

Meaning in your house, do you put it in the refrigerator?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm gonna start with the one that started the, the fight.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Ketchup.

[Tom Segura]

I knew that was number one. So I prefer it refrigerated. I like to refrigerate it. It doesn't have to be, but I.

[Bert Kreischer]

Prefer it if you go to someone's house and you, like, do you have any ketchup? And they go into their pantry and pull out a old bottle of ketchup from their pantry. I don't want it either.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I said the thing about that condiment is, like, it. See, even though it's not technically required, most experts recommend keeping it after opening. I prefer it from the fridge. Dude. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

This. The acidity from the vinegar acts as a natural preservative. But storing in the fridge will help maintain its flavor and texture. Okay. The things we like the most for longer.

[Tom Segura]

Who did. Who disagreed with you?

[Bert Kreischer]

Come on.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, the old lady.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, the fucking. The. The fucking mountain woman I live with.

[Tom Segura]

She was like, I like it on the table.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. Butter.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. It's another texture one. Here's the thing. How long are we leaving it out? Because butter is supposed, like, it's going to last longer, obviously, in. In the refrigerator. But I like soft butter. If I'm gonna use it, you know, as a condiment, butter, bread or whatever, it's. It's nicer that it's been out. I don't like it, like, hey, this has been out for three weeks. But I do like it out and not, like, frozen, like a. But block.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Leanne will put it in the refrigerator to hold onto it, but the second she decides to use that butter, it.

[Tom Segura]

Goes out and it just stays out.

[Bert Kreischer]

And it stays out in a butter tray, like a little with a top on it. And then it just. By the end, like a week, it looks like the butter's just fucking put its dick everywhere. It's all over the top. It's all over the sides, squirting out the side. It's dark. Cause you used a toast knife to cut more butter off with.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just. Okay, so far, I'm on your side. I agree. All right. Cheese.

[Tom Segura]

Cheese.

[Bert Kreischer]

Soft cheese in the fridge, bro, what.

[Tom Segura]

Are you talking about?

[Bert Kreischer]

It's. You don't. The people say you don't need to put soft cheeses in the fridge. You leave them out. I think it.

[Tom Segura]

Well, here's. Are you talking like. Here's the thing. If you're, like, going to consume this.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no, no. Leave them out.

[Tom Segura]

Leave it out.

[Bert Kreischer]

Leave it out.

[Tom Segura]

Just leave it out. Leave it out.

[Bert Kreischer]

Leave it out like that.

[Tom Segura]

I put it.

[Bert Kreischer]

How about eggs?

[Tom Segura]

Fridge. You leave those out, too.

[Bert Kreischer]

Leanne, when we had chickens, they. She never put them in the fridge. The eggs were always just out on the counter.

[Tom Segura]

What's. Why. What's the thinking about it cuz she.

[Bert Kreischer]

Was like, why don't you put them in the refrigerator? They got to be in the refrigerator. I'm going to leave them out. Leave them out the whole time. Store bought eggs should always be kept in the refrigerator. You know they say milk you don't need to leave in the refrigerator. Georgia said that to me this week.

[Tom Segura]

Look at this one. Yeah, it says yes, fresh eggs should be kept in the refrigerator, especially if they are washed as refrigeration. Helps slow down bacterial growth and keeps them fresh for longer. Did you just say milk?

[Bert Kreischer]

Milk out. I think now think about it, right? You go to Starbucks?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

They leave the milk out all day?

[Tom Segura]

No, but they're always reaching into the fridge.

[Bert Kreischer]

Type in if milk should be refrigerated.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

So wait, the girls keep it out? They like it out.

[Bert Kreischer]

They were like, milk can be out. You can leave milk out for a long time. And how long? I don't know. And I was like, I don't think that's a real thing. And they're like, no, it is, it is. It's just America's so crazy. And I was like, no, that's not, that's not real.

[Tom Segura]

Well, you know, this reminds me when I lived in Spain, I lived with an old lady in Madrid and when this is what she would do and I, I was like, oh my God. So she would make coffee in the morning old, you know, traditional style. Like the filter, you pour the grinds in and you press start and it, you know, it fills up the pot. So you have your cup of coffee and she has a cup of coffee and there was like another exchange student. You're like, okay. And then at the end of the day I'm like going back to my room and I walk by and she would leave the coffee from that day in the coffee pot and then the next day brew fresh coffee on the old coffee, right? You're like, this is bitter as. So I bring it up one time but like I have to do it in a polite way. I'm like, oh, this is the. She's like, yeah, you know, it's fine, you don't need to like pour that out. So I used to pour it out in the sink when it was late so that it would, it would be completely empty. And then I was like, oh, I guess we finished it yesterday because I thought it was so bitter because it was old coffee, you know?

[Bert Kreischer]

Does old coffee get bitter?

[Tom Segura]

To me, it tastes, it tasted sour because it was sitting and like it was sitting the rest of that day. Into the next day, right? It's sitting out for over 24 hours. It's like, why don't we just. Where you're brewing coffee anyway. Why are you mixing? She didn't want to waste this much coffee. That's in the.

[Bert Kreischer]

So then let me ask you. So if you get a nitro cold brew. So you get two nitro cold brews and you bring them home and you have one and you put the other one in the refrigerator, could that. Could. Would you drink that the next day?

[Tom Segura]

It. You can, but I do think it doesn't taste as fresh.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Tom Segura]

I think. I think you. You can know, like, if you're like, I have to have you, you'd have it. You'd be fine. But the preference is always for a fresh one. You wouldn't want a fresh one.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, I. I would just.

[Tom Segura]

I'd drink it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know.

[Tom Segura]

I'm just saying if I also go.

[Bert Kreischer]

Part of me would say, part of me would be like, I don't know. I'm. I'm so obsessed with my coffee maker right now. I haven't been to Starbucks in. I haven't been to Starbucks in probably a year and a half.

[Tom Segura]

Are you do. Jesus. Are you doing espressos or like, what?

[Bert Kreischer]

Espressos. Duplios. Two Duplios. Diplos. Espressos.

[Tom Segura]

Duplios.

[Bert Kreischer]

Doppios. Maybe it's a deuce.

[Tom Segura]

Doppio.

[Bert Kreischer]

Doppio.

[Tom Segura]

Doppio. That's what it is. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I look at word. There's a guy that just passed away. His name was Dingo in the Snow. Do you know who that was?

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's this very sweet guy, friends with. Friends with all the skateboarder community. Dingo in the Snow. He just passed away recently.

[Tom Segura]

Is this a guy that was friends.

[Bert Kreischer]

With Ellis and Jason? Tony Hawk?

[Tom Segura]

I did see this. How did he pass away?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know. I'm not. I don't think they had the cause of death yet.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

But he was a very sweet guy. I met him a few times and we followed each other on Instagram. And he's only 38, which is heartbreaking.

[Tom Segura]

God.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. But what's so funny is he's such a nice guy. I am dyslexic and I read things fast and I didn't read it said Dingo in the Snow. I thought it said Dingo Show. So I kept calling him Dingo show every time I saw him, and he never corrected me. And then when he passed, I read it. I slowed down and read it. And I went, the dingo in the snow, not the dingo show.

[Tom Segura]

Ah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So I was like, oh, dingo show. And he'd be like, ah, he just rolled with it. Rolled with it and be. And I was like. And then I read that. I was like, every time I called him by the wrong goddamn name and he never called me on it.

[Tom Segura]

That's. That's super sad.

[Bert Kreischer]

38, man. He. There was a lot of people that love that guy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I could tell. Wait, so tell me, are you. Are you getting fresh beans for your. For your coffee? Is that way. It's.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, fresh beans. And it's. And I go through beans pretty quick in that. Whatever we pour in there. I don't know what kind of coffee maker we have, but it's my favorite one I've ever owned in my life.

[Tom Segura]

You don't know what it is?

[Bert Kreischer]

I. I mean, I just. I'm.

[Tom Segura]

It's too expensive to.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it's called. I have one in my tour bus, and I have one at home. I liked one of my tour bus so much that I bought one for home.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so I do two dos Duplios, dop, whatever. And I'm telling you, man, I love it. And it's. I do them over ice.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, it's dopio. Yeah. I read things too fast. That's why I stopped reading comments. Because I would read comments that were even positive about me, and I would misread them and I would get. I'd feel bad about myself, and then I'd reread them and go, oh, that guy isn't attacking me.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, right, right. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's saying something nice, and I just misread it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Well, this is also another language that you're reading it in.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, what was I going to say to you?

[Tom Segura]

I don't know, but I'm happy that you're. You're never going out for coffee anymore.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I haven't gone out for coffee in forever. And the last time I probably went out for coffee is when both the girls were in town.

[Tom Segura]

You know, the nice thing is you're saving money. It's nice. You don't have to waste money getting coffee. Coffee every day.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is that your dad?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

That was his financial advice every time I saw him for like, 15 years.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Stop going to get buy coffee. Which, I mean, it wasn't, like, bad. It was just like. He was like, do the math. Like, you know, you spend Five bucks, whatever. Six days a week, multiply. I'm like, just. I'm just getting a coffee, man. He's like, oh, you know, $30 a week and times four. $120 a month. That's thousand. I'm like, what the man? And then you're like, okay, I'll stop buying coffee. I'm not. I'm not going to stop. But I would just be like, no, I didn't buy one today.

[Bert Kreischer]

So do you make a coffee before you go and get coffee?

[Tom Segura]

Sometimes I have an espresso at the house before I leave and I buy the nitro.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, that was my. My favorite thing about going to your house and seeing that Push has her own little coffee station in her bedroom.

[Tom Segura]

She. You know what? You know why that happened?

[Bert Kreischer]

Why?

[Tom Segura]

This was like 10 years ago. We were looking for a house, and on a house tour, like this, them, the realtor showing us the house, they were like, oh, and then there's this here in the. In the master. It was a house we didn't end up getting, but they had a coffee station in the bedroom. And she was like, what the am I doing? I was like, what? She was like, yeah, why go to the kitchen? Like, she's like, it should be right here in the bed. And ever since that tour that day, every place we've ever lived, there's a coffee station in the bedroom. So in the mornings, she wakes up, makes two coffees, puts one on my nightstand, sits in bed, drinks coffee, like, and doesn't leave. Doesn't have to, like, leave to get it. She loves that. It's right there. Yeah. Makes her happy.

[Bert Kreischer]

When we were looking at houses, we were looking at a house in. Where did Bob Hope live? Over in. Not Burbank.

[Tom Segura]

Burbank.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, right in front of Burbank. Anyway, it was a nice old house. Like, really, really, like pine inside. Like dark wood hints all over the inside to look alike. Toluca Lake. Toluca Lake. It was a great old house. It looked like it had been built in, like 1982, right? Those kind of like. Like a banister and like stairs with carpet on them. And in the same way, Push saw a coffee thing and was like, God, I need one of those. In the guy's office, he had what I could only consider a. Like, he had his walk in closet. And right when you walked in, it was a pull out drawer and it had little baby bottles. But they were the way the drawer was set. It was tilted up a little bit so they were displayed and there was A rack here, a rack here, and a rack here. And it was little baby bottles of Jack Daniels all the way across. And he pulled them out, and I saw that, and I fucking was turned on immediately.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And. And I said to the lady, what's this? She goes, oh, he's a dentist, and every morning when he wakes up, he takes a shot of Jack Daniels before he starts his day.

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I was like, shut the fuck up.

[Tom Segura]

That's pretty nice.

[Bert Kreischer]

I could do that. I mean, I wouldn't stop at one, but he just took one shot and started his day, you know? Was it FDR that did that? FDR would have a shot of whiskey every morning. No, maybe not. Maybe Truman or fdr.

[Tom Segura]

The old lady in Spain, the old lady I lived with in Spain, every time I don't feel well today, same thing was said. Yeah, there's Truman.

[Bert Kreischer]

Harry Truman would start his day with a shot of bourbon in the morning. Essentially a breakfast shot of whiskey. Can I tell you? I've done that. I've done that before.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

But not like, I do it on Wednesday, Churchill's Day. I do it one. One drink in the morning. I keep drinking, but I do that one drink in the morning. And it's kind of wild what mood it puts you in for the day.

[Tom Segura]

It's a good one.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's like. Yeah. And it goes. You don't feel it really, but it loosens you up and then kind of just starts your day.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that was. This was the Spaniards, like, recommendation for. If I was like, I'm not feeling well. She would always say, whiskey. Like, have a. Have a glass of whiskey. I'm like, I'm. I don't feel good. She was like, have whiskey and then go take a siesta. I was like, okay. So that was like, always. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, when you went there, did you speak full Spanish like you do now?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah. I mean, it got. It got so dialed in when I was there. I mean, I. I was. What I would say is, like, probably, you know, pretty proficient, like, fluent by a lot of people's scale.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

But I did six months there, and I went to the University of Madrid, and I. And I took, like, comparative economics.

[Bert Kreischer]

Six months.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. @ University of Madrid. And not in a class for Americans, like, Spanish classes, so I had to do term papers. You know, know, art history. Like I said, comparative economics. You know, all. All these, like, college level courses. When I got back from there, that was the highest level of fluency that I've ever had. I mean, like, because you realize with Things that, like, you know, like, anything. Like if you're playing guitars, like, you know, if I was like, oh, we're playing three hours a day for six months. You're like, yeah, when. When that was done, that was the best I was ever. It was like that. Like, I've. I'm still, you know, fairly proficient in Spanish, but, like, though I remember getting back and being. And like, correcting. Like, I'd speak to my mom and I'm like, you just misspoke. And I would tell her what she said wrong.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Tom Segura]

Because. Yeah, because you're just. It was. I started. By month three, I started to dream in Spanish and. And I would no longer answer the phone. Hello. You know, everything just became. You're just so immersed and, and, and the truth is, like, you know, Spain's a very. It's a modern place. But I mean, a lot of people. A lot of people that I met spoke little to no English. So it just forces you. And that's the best way to get proficient in a language is to be immersed with people who can't even, you know, accommodate you if you need it. They were just like, yeah, I don't speak English. So, like that.

[Bert Kreischer]

When you came back from Spain, did you. Because your mom's Peruvian. And Peruvian sounds different, I'm sure, than Spanish. Spanish, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, definitely.

[Bert Kreischer]

Could you. Can you hear your mom's accent?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, for sure. I mean, and I have a weird accent because what happened was that, like, I was raised by. Raised by a Peruvian. I spent the most time in Peru as a kid. Then I spend six months of my life, still kind of develop. I mean, like 20 years old in Spain. Then I get back and I'm with mostly like, South American people. But then I moved to LA for 20 years, and most of the Spanish that I hear is Mexican. So I have words from all three. Like, I have slang from all three cultures.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, so wait, give me an impression. Okay. Do impressions of these different countries in English. Okay, so if you were. If English, like, I would assume Spanish in Spain sounds like this.

[Tom Segura]

It is. It's the real English of the Spanish.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so then when they're talking, they're like, oh, would you like to go to a bullfight? It's brilliant.

[Tom Segura]

It's the official way of speaking the language.

[Bert Kreischer]

The wish. And then even when they say this, because they say Barcelona.

[Tom Segura]

Yes, they do. They have a very particular.

[Bert Kreischer]

And that's like. So that's like a real fancy pants way of talking is if. Yeah, okay, interesting. Okay. So that's the that's the standard. So then what does Mexican sound like?

[Tom Segura]

Hey man. So no. So.

[Bert Kreischer]

Sounds like black people.

[Tom Segura]

No, that's the Caribbean. So like I think among Spanish speakers, they like a lot of Spanish speakers, the way that it works is like Spain is England. Mexico is actually this region's kind of head of state. Like the, the Spanish that is spoken in Mexico, they have like the Spanish laws of, of like the way you speak. Even though every country will end up doing what they want to do, have their own slang and everything, there's like an official, official way of speaking that also comes from Mexico. They're also like the, they're the cultural guide for this part of the world. Like it's the biggest, most influential Mexico economy. Mexico is. Mexico's kind of like mech. Mexico is kind of like, you know how here people go, I'm going to go to New York to make it. If you're in Latin America, you can go to Mexico to make it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, because they have the most influence on this, this part of the world.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, so then, so then what is like Bogota? Is that, is that like red? Where am I getting? Like, I want to, I want to. Like I always think Argentina would be like really high end Spanish. Like they'd, they'd have like, it's just.

[Tom Segura]

Like really, it's really specifically their own thing. So they have.

[Bert Kreischer]

But is there any relation to white?

[Tom Segura]

I'm trying to think. So here's the, the details of it. Like Argentina has a huge, huge Italian and Spanish population. They, they have a much smaller indigenous population than other South American countries. And they have their own like way of speaking. Their accent is so distinct that like when they speak, it's like when you go, oh, you're from Boston. Like, like when they speak you, you don't go like I wonder if you're, you know that they're Argentine. Like it's very strong. Yeah, yeah. The whole way of like, I mean they, they pronounce everybody in Spanish says, you know, E L, L, O S is a yos, right. And then they say ejos. So they have a completely. Or you're like, what? It's not water, you know, it's water. So it's like they're, it's their whole distinct way of speaking and, and that. So it just really stands out. Right. I think if you're looking for like rednecks, the rednecks of Spanish speaking world are Caribbean countries for sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

What Caribbean countries speak Spanish?

[Tom Segura]

Like Dominican Republic, Puerto Rico, Cuba, Puerto.

[Bert Kreischer]

Ricans are Like, well, Tony. Tony Hinchcliffe had some jokes about that.

[Tom Segura]

They eat their. Tony. Yeah. They say in Spanish, they. They say. It translates to they eat their S's. Right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Huh?

[Tom Segura]

So, like.

[Bert Kreischer]

So, like, what's an example?

[Tom Segura]

Like, instead of elos, they would say. They would be like, ayo, but like, they're. They're saying the S, but the. It's like, not pronounced.

[Bert Kreischer]

They eat their S's.

[Tom Segura]

They eat their S's? Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is our. All. Are all Spanish laughs the same. Like, okay, so like, we all speak English. Okay, but like, but like, I just.

[Tom Segura]

Realized how much this is going to upset so many, like, people that have Caribbean descent who are like, we're not rednecks. And I just want to say, yes, you are. You are the rednecks of the Spanish speaking world. A hundred percent. You guys are the kicking country bum of the Spanish speaking world, and you know it. Cut the. All right, keep going.

[Bert Kreischer]

So. So, like, can. Do you think you could tell?

[Tom Segura]

That sounds very Dominican. Oh, yeah, go ahead, keep going.

[Bert Kreischer]

You saw that lady? That lady, not Zoe Saldana?

[Tom Segura]

Who?

[Bert Kreischer]

Zoe Saldana. Is that a person? Yeah, she won an Oscar recently. Okay, Zoe Saldana, some reporter, I guess she did a movie that was like, about Mexico or something, and Mexicans felt offended by Emilia Perez. I don't know why. Really?

[Tom Segura]

I didn't see it. She won the Oscar for this.

[Bert Kreischer]

She won the Oscar for it, by the way. I didn't see any of the movies that won any of the Oscars.

[Tom Segura]

Wait, was Zoe Saldana. Was she a Bond girl at once?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know. She was in. She was in Guardians of the Galaxy, I think. Right?

[Tom Segura]

A Bond girl, though. No, I know Ana Damas was, but I'm talking specifically. Was Zoe Saldana in. In a Bond movie? She wasn't in a Bond movie.

[Bert Kreischer]

Why? Just type in Zoe Salt on a.

[Tom Segura]

Bond just to see if she comes up for Bond? Hold on. I'm just curious. Okay. It must have been another attractive woman. Go ahead.

[Bert Kreischer]

She got a lot of Mexicans were upset. I don't know why I didn't see Amelia Perez.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, but they.

[Bert Kreischer]

They like bum rush. Not bum rushed her on the stage, but they kind of like, they like, you know, challenged her when she was, like, doing her press after she got an Oscar. And this lady's like. I was like, it's a great movie, but do you. What do you say to all the Mexicans that you offended? So I saw it on. I was like, bitch. She didn't say that, but she was like. She basically was Like, I have a different opinion of you than you do.

[Tom Segura]

Wait, what? But what's the scandal? I don't understand. What does that news article say? Like, that you had up first, said that. Apologize. Okay, so what is the thing here? After taking home the Oscars for.

[Bert Kreischer]

For.

[Tom Segura]

For Best Supporting Actress, Amelia Perez star Zoe Saldana responded to criticism of the film's portrayal of Mexico after a journalist shared that it had been really hurtful for Mexicans. First of all, I'm very, very sorry that Mexicans felt offended. That was never our intention. We spoke from a place of love. I don't share your opinion. For me, the heart of this movie was not Mexico making a film about friendship. We're making a film about four women. She continued, these women could have been Russian, could have been Dominican, could have been black, from Detroit, could have been from Israel, could have been from Gaza. And these women are still very universal women that are struggling every day, but trying to survive systemic oppression and trying to find the most authentic voices. So I will stand by that. But I'm also always open to sit down with all my Mexican brothers and sisters, with love and respect, to have a conversation about how Amelia Perez could have been done better. I welcome it. I mean, that seems like a pretty diplomatic answer.

[Bert Kreischer]

I thought she said you. You said there.

[Tom Segura]

She was like, I don't give a what you think. Okay. So I. I'm just like. I'm wondering, like, just looking at all this stuff, that if is. Is it just me and, like, my own interests and age changing, or do people care less about Oscars now? Like, doesn't it feel like it's not as you live in la, so it's different, but I just feel like nobody really registers them that much anymore. Is that my own? Am I wrong?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I think that. I think that the movie experience has changed entirely. Used to be a huge deal, but, I mean, the Oscars were for these blockbuster, crazy. Avatar, Jaws, Star wars, you know, those were like the Oscar greatest picture. Now it's like, greatest picture. I had not seen any of those greatest pictures, and I think they're. Cause they're all done. I mean, I think one of them was done for, like, $2 million.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, I think they're just not making.

[Tom Segura]

It's cool that they can get an Oscar nomination even, but I just feel like the whole thing, like, happens now, and I'm like, oh. Like, I feel like maybe. Maybe that's, like, my own interest shifting, but I feel like it used to be, like, such a big, like, in my Mind, it was a bigger cultural event.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, I. I never really cared about the Oscars ever in my life until I moved to LA and people like, hey, we're going to watch the Oscars. And I was like, why are we gonna watch the Tonys next? Who gives a fuck about these things? And then when I moved to la, people were like, yo, it's Sunday. And it was a reason to drink. I was like, I'll go to an Oscar party. And then now I find myself going, well, we should watch the Oscars. And I watch the Oscars. I think Conan did a great job. I think Kieran Culkin's speech was fucking hysterical. He was great. I think. I don't think Adrien Brody was an asshole. They're all saying he was despicable for. For saying, hey, I've been here before. Cut the music, I'm going to talk. I think Zoe Saldan. I think. I mean, I think it was a bigger deal. It was like they cared what people wore. I think that's so. I think the world has gotten to a place where there's such a disconnect between Hollywood and the rest of our country. I mean Hollywood is absolutely.

[Tom Segura]

Maybe the gap is so much bigger now, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

And you know what it's like, people have opinion and you can hear their opinions. And the. I'm telling you, the canary in the mine was the pandemic. And everyone got to assess what their house looked like versus celebrity houses. And when that fucking. That lady that played Wonder Woman did that video or when any celebrity did a video trying to relate to America and they showed their garden behind them.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was a. It really just pulled Hollywood further and further apart. And I got to tell you there, I think the producers that are wanting to make movies are wanting to make movies about stories that I don't. I'm not certain that all of America cares about.

[Tom Segura]

Well, clearly not a lot of them care.

[Bert Kreischer]

None of the. I don't think any of those. How much did the top who want one movie of the year? I'm curious. How much Nora. How much money did a Nora box office bring in?

[Tom Segura]

See it grows. 38 million worldwide.

[Bert Kreischer]

38 million is a 6 million dollar budget. But for 38 million is not.

[Tom Segura]

No, it's not like holy. No, for sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's not crazy numbers.

[Tom Segura]

What were the. What were the. All the Oscar nominated best pictures. What were the best picture nominations? Okay, so Anora wins. Amelia Perez was one a complete unknown Conclave nickel boys I'm still here. The substance Dune Part 2 Wicked, the brutalist.

[Bert Kreischer]

Doom Part 2 is a badass movie, right?

[Tom Segura]

That's. Well, that's a. That's a big blockbuster type.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And so is wicked.

[Tom Segura]

300 million dollar. Yeah, yeah, that's a big, big, big movie too. The other ones, they're not like huge, huge films, but. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I thought the Brutalist was not a boxer.

[Tom Segura]

Look at the. Look at these fucking. Seven of the 10 best picture nominees grossed less than 100 million. The only exceptions being Wicked, which you mentioned Dune Part two and A Complete unknown. Which one is a complete unknown again?

[Bert Kreischer]

It's. It's.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, the Bob Dylan one. Right, right, right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, that's Bob Dylan. Oh, yeah, my kids went and saw that.

[Tom Segura]

I heard he's amazing in it.

[Bert Kreischer]

But yeah, Timothy Chalamet is just. I think he's a fucking. I like that kid a lot.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I like him too. I don't give a shit. I couldn't give two shits less about anybody than Bob Dylan. So I just have zero interest in seeing this. I don't give a fuck what he does in this thing. I don't care. I have no interest in Bob Dylan.

[Bert Kreischer]

Who do you care less about? Bob Dylan or Amelia Perez?

[Tom Segura]

Bob Dylan? Because I don't know who Amelia Perez is yet. So, yeah, Bob Dylan is the absolute least important human being to me on earth.

[Bert Kreischer]

Bob Dylan. I don't. I know too much about Bob Dylan to start saying stuff because I was a huge fan for a long time.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

But yeah, I'll tell you that much.

[Tom Segura]

Mussolini. Take a. Than watch Bob Dylan sing a song. I don't care.

[Bert Kreischer]

They should. They should do a remake of. Of a complete unknown but called a somewhat known person and make it about Mussolini.

[Tom Segura]

Dude, let's fucking. Let's pitch this. This is our next pitch.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm in somewhat known.

[Tom Segura]

Somewhat. Yeah, he deserves.

[Bert Kreischer]

When we come back next week, the number one thing we have to talk about is Deuce Cruden.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Goddamn Gruden, John son.

[Tom Segura]

Let's do it.

[Bert Kreischer]

That guy fires me the fuck up.

[Tom Segura]

I like it, dude. I like it. Thank you guys for watching and listening and we'll see you next time.

[Bert Kreischer]

Burt and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes tops while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call two bears, one cave.