Catfights Make The WNBA Interesting | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Summary

Podcast Summary: Catfights Make The WNBA Interesting | 2 Bears, 1 Cave
2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Hosted by YMH Studios
Release Date: July 14, 2025

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1. T. Pain's Extravagant Lifestyle and Friendship

Timestamp: 00:20 – 09:20

The episode kicks off with a lively discussion about T. Pain, highlighting his impressive residence in Atlanta. Bert Kreischer introduces the conversation by reminiscing about Chris D'Elia’s visit to T. Pain’s house, describing it as "the funnest house you've ever been to" (02:29). Chris shares his awe at T. Pain’s elaborate home setup, emphasizing the blend of luxury and unique features like race cars and advanced podcast equipment.

Notable Quotes:

• Bert Kreischer (02:29): “He's got fucking race cars. He's got a Wraith. He's got every car. It's so fucking amazing.”
• Chris D'Elia (03:30): “We did a podcast, and it's the funnest podcast I've done in a very long time.”

The hosts delve into T. Pain's talents beyond music, particularly his singing abilities, which surprise them despite his well-known use of autotune. They commend his authenticity and multifaceted personality, with Bert expressing admiration: “He's really talented, man” (08:03).

2. Reflections on NFL Documentaries and Brett Favre's Legacy

Timestamp: 10:05 – 20:03

Transitioning from celebrity anecdotes, the conversation shifts to NFL documentaries, specifically a 30 for 30 feature on Brett Favre. The hosts discuss Favre’s impact on the game and his financial dealings, touching upon controversies surrounding his contract and alleged misuse of earmarked funds.

Notable Quotes:

• Bert Kreischer (12:00): “His career earnings, what he actually earned in the NFL is 141, spread across four different franchises.”
• Chris D'Elia (19:23): “I mean, these are worth a hundred million dollars. Why is he doing that, Copper?”

They explore the complexities of NFL contracts, highlighting the difference between guaranteed money and total earnings, with Bert explaining the nature of NFL contracts: “With the NFL, it's always about what's guaranteed” (18:37).

3. The Intriguing Rise of the WNBA and On-Court Fights

Timestamp: 32:00 – 39:20

A significant portion of the episode centers on the WNBA, particularly focusing on how "catfights" between players are adding excitement to the league. Chris D'Elia expresses mixed feelings about the sensationalism: “I don't enjoy that” (32:03) but acknowledges that these dramatic moments make the games more interesting.

Notable Quotes:

• Chris D'Elia (32:09): “It's like 1970s basketball. NBA, right? Like, it's…”
• Bert Kreischer (32:41): “She's great. She's a great, great shooter.”

The hosts analyze specific incidents, such as altercations between top players like Caitlyn Clark and Angel Reese. They discuss the athletic prowess of these WNBA stars, praising their skills and competitiveness. Chris highlights Caitlyn Clark’s exceptional shooting ability: “Caitlin Clark is so much better than everybody” (32:09).

4. Personal Anecdotes: Dealing with Animal Infestations

Timestamp: 41:00 – 70:01

The conversation takes a humorous yet relatable turn as the hosts share personal stories about battling rat and snake infestations in their homes. Both Tom and Bert recount their struggles with unwanted wildlife, detailing the frustrations and creative (often comical) methods they employed to handle the pests.

Notable Quotes:

• Chris D'Elia (60:14): “They don't like. Like, we had rats at our old Agnes house.”
• Bert Kreischer (62:24): “I just fill that gap so entirely, like, where it's, like, foaming out, falling.”

Chris narrates his chaotic experiences with a possum attacking his chickens, leading to humorous yet exasperating interactions with family members who lacked empathy for the situation: “And we're like, now it's affecting all of us?” (68:17).

Bert complements the stories by sharing his own encounters with rats and possums, emphasizing the persistent nature of these pests and the lengths to which he went to eliminate them: “They have to be able to move constantly” (64:59).

5. Wild Adventures: Shovel Racing and Extreme Sports

Timestamp: 50:00 – 73:00

In a series of entertaining anecdotes, Chris and Bert discuss their ventures into extreme sports and unconventional racing events like shovel racing and soapbox racing. Chris describes his participation in a dangerous shovel racing event for the Travel Channel, reflecting on the adrenaline rush and the inherent risks involved.

Notable Quotes:

• Chris D'Elia (54:18): “Shovel racing is terrifying.”
• Bert Kreischer (55:50): “Wait, have you done this, too?”

They recount moments of near-misses and the thrill of pushing boundaries, with Chris highlighting a particularly harrowing experience where his shovel crash nearly cost him dearly: “And I got to shore and I was like, I'll never surf again” (50:07).

6. Family and Personal Life Insights

Timestamp: 71:27 – 73:15

Towards the end of the episode, the hosts shift focus to their personal lives, discussing their relationships with their children and the challenges of balancing family with their demanding careers. Chris shares heartwarming interactions with his daughter Isla, emphasizing the importance of open communication and support.

Notable Quotes:

• Chris D'Elia (72:31): “Have fun at the show. Or making your show.”
• Bert Kreischer (73:05): “We love you guys.”

They wrap up the episode with affectionate goodbyes and reflections on their enduring friendships, maintaining the comedic and heartfelt tone characteristic of the show.

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Conclusion

In this episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer navigate a myriad of topics ranging from celebrity lifestyles and NFL controversies to the dynamic world of the WNBA and personal battles with animal infestations. Their candid storytelling, infused with humor and heartfelt moments, offers listeners an engaging glimpse into their lives and perspectives.

Key Takeaways:

• Celebrity Insights: A deep dive into T. Pain’s lavish lifestyle and his multifaceted talents beyond music.
• Sports Analysis: Thoughtful reflections on NFL documentaries and the evolving dynamics of the WNBA.
• Personal Stories: Relatable and humorous anecdotes about dealing with animal pests and engaging in extreme sports.
• Family Moments: Heartwarming discussions about parenting and maintaining meaningful relationships amidst busy lives.

Listeners who enjoy a blend of humor, personal anecdotes, and insightful discussions will find this episode both entertaining and enriching.

Transcript

[Bert Kreischer]

What's everybody. Summer is here, and we've got some.

[Tom Segura]

Awesome new stuff in the YMH store. Survive this godforsaken heat long enough to check out the entire summer collection. Available now at store.ymhstudios.com Hundred percent.

[Chris D'Elia]

Bertrand Thomas.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is our last episode before the fans get what they want, which is new hosts.

[Chris D'Elia]

And.

[Bert Kreischer]

And we're going to make magic. You're going to make a television show. I'm going to make a movie. And, yeah, I'm going to miss you, man. You're going to be in Atlanta with a whole crew of people. You're going to have new friends, and you're going to get to know a city like. Like you've never known it before. I mean, you think you know Atlanta, but not. Not the way you're gonna know it now. You're gonna give me all the.

[Chris D'Elia]

Magic city has the best wings in the world.

[Bert Kreischer]

Magic City. You're gonna know Magic City real well. You're gonna start telling me where to go get my.

[Chris D'Elia]

I got all my friends live in Atlanta.

[Stavros Halkias]

Do they?

[Chris D'Elia]

Yep. All my old friends live in Atlanta are white. All my new friends that live in land are black.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

You know this house I went to the other day?

[Stavros Halkias]

Who?

[Chris D'Elia]

T. Pain's.

[Stavros Halkias]

Where?

[Chris D'Elia]

Here in Atlanta.

[Bert Kreischer]

In Atlanta.

[Chris D'Elia]

I went and did his podcast.

[Bert Kreischer]

Did you really, dude?

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

I'll just say me and you have some money, but we don't have T. Pain money.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm a huge fan of T. Pain.

[Chris D'Elia]

Dude. T. Pain. T. Pain's house is astounding.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

I wish I had taken pictures around it. I would love to show it to you. It's. First of all, it's in Atlanta, I would say, for the money. Oh, are you just pulling it up? Okay, never mind. That's his house.

[Bert Kreischer]

Damn.

[Stavros Halkias]

It is.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, that's his house. Jesus Christ. That is his house. Holy shit. So. Okay, do you see that? Hang on. Stop, stop. Stop in the middle. Stop in the middle. Go up right there. Right there.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

So I pulled in right there in between. Pulled around and then into where? Those two things.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

Tom. Fifteen cars.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

Up on risers. Fucking A. Donk. He's got fucking race cars. He's got. He's got a wraith. He's got every car. It's so fucking amazing.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then.

[Chris D'Elia]

And here's the deal. This house was built by, like, a clear. By the way, Payne, I hope you appreciate what I'm going to say, and I hope it doesn't come off sideways. This was built by just rich White people, right? Some guy. No one builds a house for a rapper, right? They build a house for a rich white family. And you walk in and T pain it up. He has. It is. It is, Tommy. It's like. It's like the funnest house you've ever been to. You, like, walk in, you're like, this is very nice. It's beautiful. It's gorgeous. And then they're like. Basically, they're like, come on. And then they pull a fucking book and the door case opens and you're like, what the fuck am I experiencing? And then you go into what was once, I'm sure, a billiards smoking game room. It looks like you're in Tron. And there's stripper poles everywhere. There's TVs on the sides. And I go, those TVs, they go click, click. Now they're windows and you're looking outside. They have cameras on the outside. It's so cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's a big twitch streamer too, right? He loves to.

[Chris D'Elia]

His podcast setup. I told him, I said, I've been to the best podcast setups in the world. Nothing compares to him, really. And it's a. We do a podcast, and it's the funnest podcast I've done in a very long time. Because, you know, my head, I was in production mode the whole time I was in Atlanta. And so all of a sudden I get a night off where it's like, we go out there at seven. Black dudes always have podcasts at seven o' clock at night.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

No black guy does like a noon podcast.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

It's like, you have 85 South. They're like, show up around 11:45. You're like, are we doing an overnight go out to T pains at like 7:45? They have it catered, right? They have a whole dinner catered. Everyone's around. There's like 15 people just hanging around.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

Cocktails. His wife Amber made me the best Porosos cocktail I've ever had. It was in crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Have you ever heard him sing? Sing?

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

Hold on.

[Bert Kreischer]

This guy, he can really sing.

[Tom Segura]

I think nobody knew this.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think for a long time it was all like, oh, they. Because everybody was like, he's doing the. You know, the. What's it called?

[Stavros Halkias]

The.

[Bert Kreischer]

The auto tune stuff and that. He had like some big hits with it. And then like, you hear him actually on stage singing.

[Chris D'Elia]

You're like, yo, let me. Hold on. Hit pause. Just let me tell the story. So I got the. I found a water pit. Kyle thank you. So I'm gonna. I'm trying to figure out the right place to tell this. I told this on this podcast, so. Podcast is amazing. It's got two guest hosts. It's really fun, and we have drinks. We didn't end up doing five hours. And it was fucking awesome. Stick around, Kyle, do not leave. And then he pulls out. This is why I bring this up. He pulls out.

[Bert Kreischer]

Did you say five hours?

[Chris D'Elia]

Five hours. Five hours. And it, by the way, his night hadn't even started. It's now three in the morning. And he's like, you want to hear some beats? And we're like, okay. And they are simply the best beats you've ever heard. And it's. What was it like? It was Jamaican dubstep. And he's like, I'm fucking with dubstep right now. And he was just. And Kyle is like. He's like, I don't want to leave. I go, we gotta go to work at fucking 10 in the morning. It's 3 in the morning, and he's just started his workday. The podcast would have been like his. His afternoon thing. This is. This is him going to work.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

Dude, it was so fun. But to talk about. You have to do it. You have to do it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm so jealous.

[Chris D'Elia]

I called Cody Rhodes that night. I was like, cody, you gotta do it. It's funny.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

It's hysterical. And we did it on Juneteenth. So we were celebrating.

[Bert Kreischer]

Sure. For both sides.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

And so.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

So this is the thing you talk about singing. Now everyone's got their own version of. Of where they were when Babe Ruth hit the home run. You know, everyone's got their version of that. But when T. Pain came to do. T. Pain came to do Go Big Show. We had. We talked about this on the podcast. The very end of the podcast or the very end of the Go Big show. We got karaoke. We. We did our wrap party, like, two days before the actual last day. I think they did it because they knew no one could test positive for Covid. We all tested positive for. We all had Covid. We all had Covid. Everyone that was on the show got Covid at this rap party.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

And pains there. And he had. And the reason I bring this up is on the thing, he had a hard ice. Hard. Hard seltzer. Whatever those are. Hard seltzer. And he had one. And I had never had one before until that wrap party, and I drank 10 of them, and I got sicker than I've ever Been. It was Covid out. And he was like, I love these. I love these. And we were doing karaoke. Now, all anyone knew him was for autotune.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

And. And we were like, yo, Pain, go up and sing. And he's like, man, I can't sing. That's my whole thing. I can't sing. I'm. I'm auto tune. And we're like, just sing. This is a whole cast and crew. I'm sitting next to Cody Rhodes and Rosario Dawson. And T. Pain goes up no autotune and bangs out war pit generals gathered in their masses. And we are sitting there like, holy. He can sing.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

Now you cut to what he's doing today.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

And he's singing. I'm not saying we were there at ground zero. We were there the first day.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

But, man, we witnessed what we would call our ground zero.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

And now he's killing. And he looks amazing. Look at how skinny he is.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it looks great.

[Stavros Halkias]

Now.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's really talented, man.

[Chris D'Elia]

He's, he's beyond talented. And he's the sweetest guy in the world.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, awesome. I'm a fan. Dude, set me up. I want to do it.

[Chris D'Elia]

Oh, it's so. But his cars. You would geek out just over his cars alone. And his, and his hall, like, it's, dude, by the way, it's, it's. I, I, I was on the first floor of what I think is a four story mansion.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

I mean, it's crazy. And it's like, you know, when you stand in, in like a, like, I got a nice house, but if you stand in different, certain parts of my house, you're like, okay. Yeah, but like, if you, when you go to a rich person's house.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

And everything sounds like. Feels like it's dug into the ground.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

Everything's really solid. No doors squeak and nothing.

[Stavros Halkias]

Dude, cool.

[Chris D'Elia]

Amber made us the coolest. I'm gonna find out the cocktail. I'm gonna post it. I'll text Payne right now. He's the sweetest guy. You know, he. He's a guy. He's like, me and you, where he can't stop working. Yeah, he has to work. He has to do something or he. Hey, can you get Amber to text me that recipe for the Porosos drink? It was incredible. Comma. Also, you have to get Tom Seguro on your podcast, T. Hey, do you realize you forget how many bangers he has? Yeah, like straight bangers.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, he's put out hits, man. Yeah, he's put out big Hits. No, that's all. I mean, that's fucking awesome, man. I also love that. It's like. It's almost like a rebirth of an artist in a way, too. Even though, like, he didn't, you know. Stop. I'm saying. But, like, to see that somebody has this other side, it's very cool.

[Chris D'Elia]

He's. You know, what's interesting about him is he is authentically a unique individual. Meaning, like, he's not. He's never who you think he is. Like, I. I find that. I find him so fascinating because he's not one thing. Like, he is the exact reason you can't judge a book by its cover, because he's so into so many different things, and, like, he's just a real curious brain. I fucking love him.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's awesome, man. Yeah, that's awesome.

[Chris D'Elia]

Did you. Can I tell you. Okay, two things. I have a bunch of things I want to talk to you about. Have you watched the sack exchange? The Sack exchange on ESPN. 30 for 30.

[Bert Kreischer]

Which one is that?

[Chris D'Elia]

Do you remember when we were kids? Mark Gastineau, Joe Kleko?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes, I.

[Stavros Halkias]

This is.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know what this is, because he is, like, super pissed that his sack record got taken by Strahan, I think, and. And Favre was involved, kind of took a knee.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I remember that.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

And you're like.

[Bert Kreischer]

And he would. But he's so.

[Chris D'Elia]

Did you see the video of him approaching Brett Favre?

[Stavros Halkias]

Yes. Yes. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, he's like, you really hurt me, man.

[Chris D'Elia]

You hurt me. No, Brett, you hurt me.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

And he's like, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I was like, okay, I don't.

[Chris D'Elia]

Know if you know about me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Did you watch the Farve, Doc?

[Chris D'Elia]

Okay. All right, let's. Can you. Can you still love your heroes? Because he was a hero of mine.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, he was a hero to a lot of people. I mean, he was kind of like. I would say he was the NFL's most beloved player for kind of a generation, because he had that, you know, he had that accessible Persona and background where, like, he's Mississippi boy and he's not. You know, I think there was another guy there who was like, yeah, it was like year three. He's like, what's cover two? And they're like, what? Like, he didn't know anything about. You know, I mean, he's not like the by the book guy. He was the guy who just, like, showed up gunslinger.

[Stavros Halkias]

Right.

[Chris D'Elia]

Just. Why we love Baker.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

We love Johnny Manziel.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. These guys are just like. And, like, white.

[Chris D'Elia]

White quarterbacks.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

Can be like Brady and dialed in or they can be like these gun like a Steve Young.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just slinger gun. And like far of, you know, extending plays like magic. Magic happens, you know, like it was, it felt like this magical thing and he was just like this. Not even quite a shucks, but just like, you know, you would think you, you would think when you watch far play that if football paid $30,000 a year, that's what he'd be doing anyway. You know what I mean? Like you couldn't even tell he was this multi millionaire guy and, and like you couldn't. You just. None of it really seemed to phase him. And so people were just like in love with this guy. And, and like the stories in that doc are like, I mean honestly, like the. What feels like. I think the worst is the last bit about like taking money that is earmarked for the poorest of the poor in Mississippi. And you're seeing the text like, hey, they're not going to find out about me getting this money.

[Stavros Halkias]

Right?

[Bert Kreischer]

And then you're like. And then he's like, ah, that wasn't, I didn't mean it like that. And you're like, wait, how did you mean it?

[Tom Segura]

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[Chris D'Elia]

How much money do you think he has? That's what's crazy. These football players don't have the kind of money you think they have. And then you look at t pain, he's got more money than you ever think he's going to have.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, I don't, I really don't know.

[Chris D'Elia]

I mean, because he's doing Coppertone commercials. Yeah, Copper thing commercials.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

But this, these worth a hundred million dollars. Why the is he doing a copper?

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, there's a couple things about that. First of all, one thing you can figure out if you go to these net worth sites, it's just somebody going, I think this is what they're worth. There, there is like this. Whoever wrote that does not have access to Brett Favre's financials. And they don't have anybody's.

[Chris D'Elia]

I looked at mine and I was like, that's not right. Then I was like, yeah, but who? They don't know.

[Bert Kreischer]

They'll. They'll just cite thing. They'll be like, he gets this much per show or per, you know, they don't know up. They don't know. So they're making it up. You have no idea really what he has.

[Chris D'Elia]

He signed a 10 year contract extension, around $100 million in 01 and 01. And by the way, you got a figure. So he keeps. What do you, what do you sign? If you sign for $100 million, what do you keep? 25 million?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, but. Well, first of all, with the NFL, it's always about what's guaranteed. It's not like baseball and basketball where it's all guaranteed. NFL, there's the contract and then what's the guaranteed amount? Because very few people play out their contracts in the NFL. Right. So you can see a contract where someone is signed for, you know, three years. 77 million and then there'll be like 34 million guaranteed. Well, he's for sure getting the 34.

[Chris D'Elia]

And then if he fills out the whole contract.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes, but a lot of.

[Chris D'Elia]

So that's why John Sally, when he played, I think he played for the Lakers. Right. John Sally at the end of his career played for the Lakers and he had. Or Clippers maybe, but he had like a 125 million guaranteed contract. And he was on Fox Sports but still getting paid.

[Bert Kreischer]

NBA is wild. NBA is insane. They. So his career earnings, so what he actually earned in the NFL is 141, it looks like that's spread across, you know, four different franchises.

[Chris D'Elia]

Crazy amount of money.

[Bert Kreischer]

Ton of money.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And that's not endorsements. That's, that's like his, that was an.

[Chris D'Elia]

Endorsement Like Campbell's soup. He was.

[Bert Kreischer]

He was endorsed by everybody for a while.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

Then why is he doing that, Copper?

[Bert Kreischer]

Because there comes a point, I think, even when you made money like that, where he's probably, like, sitting around, he's 45 or something, and they're like, yeah, you have no income. Here's an offer to do this. Like, yeah, it'd be nice to have something coming in, because you don't know, at that point, it's. Everything's going out, you know?

[Chris D'Elia]

God, that's crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it's. It's.

[Chris D'Elia]

Took money from underprivileged people. Well, allegedly.

[Bert Kreischer]

Allegedly.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, I don't know. I don't know what's been proven. I'm saying, like, in the doc, they kind of show you that. That it seemed like a pretty. Pretty corrupt type of story, but. Because it involved, like, multiple levels.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. Of. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, I think the governor's office was involved. And, yeah, it is a crazy story, but it was one of those stories where you.

[Chris D'Elia]

I would love to have Brett Favre Von. To defend that. I know you can't, but I would love to hear him on a podcast to defend it.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, look, he had a guarantee there for 101. Jesus Christ.

[Chris D'Elia]

Are these all his earnings?

[Stavros Halkias]

I don't know.

[Chris D'Elia]

Drink olive oil for seven days.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tammy played for 16 years in green Bay. Long time.

[Chris D'Elia]

So he's. So they were talking. I'm watching all the docs on 30 for 30.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

The best one. Fucking. An hour and 45 minutes. 2001 Ravens. Is that when they won the Super Bowl? 2001 Ravens. What a crazy fucking team. Shannon Sharp fucking my guy Goose.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

But, like, one of my favorite human beings I've ever worked with. I've ever known my fate. One of my favorite guys. He worked. You know, he worked at Scripps for. For diy.

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay.

[Chris D'Elia]

He gave me my man cave.

[Stavros Halkias]

He did.

[Chris D'Elia]

He gave me my man cave. He gave me my man cave. And he. And he. And he gave me extra. His man. My man cave. He gave me $186,000 worth of man cave.

[Stavros Halkias]

Wow.

[Chris D'Elia]

And then he told me why.

[Bert Kreischer]

Why.

[Chris D'Elia]

Pulled me into his thing, and he goes, we tried working with some of the other Travel Channel people. They're all difficult. You're not difficult. You're one of us. So all the money we have for all three of them, we're giving it all to you.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's awesome.

[Chris D'Elia]

You get all of it. $186,000. You're my guy, Bert. And I was like, thanks, Goose.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's awesome.

[Chris D'Elia]

And then, and then, and then, you know, I. His. If I've ever flown private, I've. It's Goose's charter.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, right, right. He started.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

Titan Aviation. Shout out to Dirk. But that's Goose. That's Goose. That's all his children work for them. It's like, in a weird way of if you ever fly, you know, playing private's expensive, but I don't. I don't mind knowing Goose's kids get it.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

You know, but Goose is. And you forget what a star he was.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah. He was a personality.

[Chris D'Elia]

And this documentary, they brought the whole. The majority of the team back.

[Bert Kreischer]

Ray. Ray.

[Chris D'Elia]

Ray Lewis.

[Bert Kreischer]

Ed Reed was on that team.

[Chris D'Elia]

Rod. Rod Woodson.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

Trent Dilfer.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

Jamal Lewis.

[Bert Kreischer]

Smoking dude.

[Chris D'Elia]

They had just lost Ray Rice.

[Bert Kreischer]

Jamal Lewis had a 2,000 yard rushing season and they found out he was chain smoking. It's insane.

[Chris D'Elia]

They're 30 for 30. They're. They're. They're. Hard Knocks was the best Hard Knocks that.

[Bert Kreischer]

I remember that. Hard Knocks.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

That was the best Hard Knocks there ever was.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

And that documentary is amazing. And they filmed that documentary.

[Bert Kreischer]

Peter Bulware was on that team.

[Chris D'Elia]

Peter Bulware was on that team. They filmed that documentary. Right. Two months before Goose died.

[Stavros Halkias]

Really? Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

He died two months later.

[Bert Kreischer]

What is he. Did he die of heart attack?

[Chris D'Elia]

Heart attack? Yeah. 55 years old. And they ask him, Tommy, to ask him, what do you want on your tombstone?

[Bert Kreischer]

They ask him that in the documentary.

[Chris D'Elia]

The documentary. They're like, what do you want on your tombstone? And he said. He goes, you know what? On my tombstone, I want to fucking highlight reel. I want. I want them being like, hey, I'm Tony Saragusa. I like. I like spaghetti, like, hanging out. My friends. I like played football. And then he goes, I want a tv. See what's on Goose's tombstone. I think it. The thing on his tombstone is pretty fucking epic, really. I think type in Goose's tombstone. Goose was. Goose was the greatest guy. So we're sitting at up fronts, Tom.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

And Goose didn't. Does not fit in at all. He doesn't fit in the chairs. We're in a theater and it's like, type in his. What is written on his tombstone. Is that it?

[Stavros Halkias]

Huh?

[Chris D'Elia]

Anyway, he's sitting there. I'm sitting next to it to. I'm sitting next to Andrew Zimmern. Andrew Zimmern used to have bizarre food.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

Where he'd eat like Cel. Tesl.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

And Gooses was like, you know, he reminded me a lot of Patrice. He reminded me a lot of. That reminds me a lot of Shane. Just like a bully. Like, just like a big bully.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

And Goose starts going, bert, Burt. I was like, what's up? He's like, the guy next to you eats balls. I know. And he goes, no, no, no. Tell him this whole roll knows that he eats balls. I go, yeah. And he goes, hey, tell him to turn around. I want him to see the look on my face when I tell him he eats balls. I go, hey, Andrew. I think he goes, he goes, I can hear him. I go, tony Zaragusa wants to talk to you. And he goes. And he turns around, he goes, well, hello, Anthony. And Tony goes, hey, I seen you eat balls before. It was. He was.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's like middle school that he's doing to him.

[Chris D'Elia]

When he did my man cave, when he did my man. My man cave, he had a trailer. They had a trailer for him in front of my house. It was Goose's trailer. I'll be very candid. I love Goose. He was maybe there for the construction for a total of 30 minutes. Okay. He was not a hands on guy. Jason did the majority of the lifting. And their crew, Goose did it. He would show up, film his scene and he'd leave. Sometimes he'd show up early, smoke weed, and you couldn't get him out of his trailer. And then he'd film a scene and leave. But he'd been in his trailer. He had a trailer. So he comes and he, I'm doing work. And then One of the PAs is like, hey, Goose wants you in the trailer. And I was like, okay. And they're like, just so you know, they're like drinking and smoking beer. And I had the day off. I was like, cool. So I walk in the trailer and it's Goose fucking smoking and drinking and hands me the joint and I hit it and I hand it to the guy next to me and it's Kato Kalin.

[Bert Kreischer]

Kato.

[Chris D'Elia]

They were really close. He's sitting with Kato Ken. I go, you're Kato Kalin. He goes, yeah, I know. I was like, what's up, man? He's like, I'm friends with Goose. And I was like, oh, cool. Just the weirdest. Yeah, but. Yeah, that doc is so good. But Trent Dilfer says in that doc, he goes, I respect Tom Brady and Aaron Rodgers. They're great guys, but they couldn't do what I did. And he goes, if they played when I played, they wouldn't be who they Are today. Because apparently so many rules changed.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I see what he means.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

I mean, so many rules changed, I guess, in hitting the quarterback and when you could. I mean, part of the reason not to say that your team wasn't great. Kyle, Because Kyle's from Baltimore or whatever you say. Baltimore, Baltimore, Baltimore, Baltimore. He's from Baltimore. I'll be hitting up Baltimore on my permission to party world tour this fall. Anyway, one of the big plays was they're playing the Raiders, and Goose sack goes to sack a guy and then falls on him again and, like, crushes his rib cage.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

And they're like, dude, but Goose, even this is how much I love this guy. He says, you got to watch the doc. It's so good. Phil Sims comes after Goose on air, and he's like, that's illegal. He should be fined. He should be. This is crazy. That's an illegal play. And Goose watches it, and he goes, this fucking cocksucker. NFL calls Monday and they find Goose $10,000 because of that. Because of that. And Goose is like, fuck Phil Sims. Fuck Phil Sims. He grew up in Jersey. I grew up in Jersey. I'm gonna get in his fucking face. So they go to do a pre thing for the super bowl, and fucking Goose goes up to Phil Sins. He goes, hey, cocksucker, you owe me $10,000. I know where you live. You just put in new landscaping. When you come home and it's all dug up, I want you to know it's at my fucking house. You're like, what a fucking great, legendary man.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's awesome.

[Chris D'Elia]

Oh, yeah, his kids are great, too. He's a great guy. But that's a cool doc.

[Bert Kreischer]

But, yeah, he was fun to watch, man. I mean, he was fun to watch just because, honestly, you'd watch him play. But then watching him do, like, an interview was so much more entertaining. Like, those guys were so fun to watch that. That squad was unbelievable, man.

[Chris D'Elia]

It's like, does it. Does. Do we have that in football anymore?

[Bert Kreischer]

What?

[Chris D'Elia]

Like, did football change so much?

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, it's changed a lot.

[Chris D'Elia]

It's kind of a little more corporate.

[Bert Kreischer]

A lot more.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, I miss those days.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Because it was. Used to be like.

[Chris D'Elia]

Or is it because we were children?

[Bert Kreischer]

I think that plays a role in it, but it did used to be just all about the game, and I think it has evolved into just such a brand. And, you know, I mean, like, it's just. It's so massive. NFL is massive. As. As I'm saying, not just, like, popularity, but, like, as A corporation. And yeah, there are a lot of rules. You know, it's like, it's. It's Coca Cola. Like, it's a company like that. You know, it's a. It's a Fortune 500 massive company.

[Chris D'Elia]

Support for today's episode comes from Square. The system powering, like, literally half the places I go. I just saw an ad online for these guys who's got the glizzy stand, and they were bragging about their Square. If you've ever tapped to pay and thought, wow, that was fast, it was probably Square. Whether you're selling lattes, cutting hair, hot dogs, detailing cars, running a design studio, you're a standup comedian selling merch. Square helps you run your business without running yourself into the ground. What is Square? Square is a platform behind the scenes of so many of the businesses you already love. Whether it's someone selling smoothies, cutting hair, fixing bikes, running a boutique, Square gives them one connected system to take payments, manage inventory, run payroll, send invoices, and track it all from one place. This isn't just a point of sale. Square includes hardware that works in person and on the go, software for managing staff, marketing and customer insights, banking tools like Square checking to get paid instantly. And let me tell you, I love my Square. I love my Square. I was at the very beginning of Square. I remember when Square first showed up. I remember first time I saw it and I was like, dude, this is a game changer. I think your boy's gonna start selling merch. And I did. Does anyone remember those machine shirts? Thank you, Square. If you're starting a business or running one that deserves better tools, Square helps you sell, manage and grow without slowing down. Right now, you can get up to 200 off square [e-mail]. go bears. That's s q u a r e.com g o bears. Run your business smarter with Square. Get started today. This is the best vodka in the world. You're talking to a man who's put 10,000 hours into a couple things. Eating pussy and drinking vodka. I'll bring my wife in if you want. I'm pretty good at the first one, too. But this is better than pussy. This is the best vodka you're ever going to have. It's clean. I sleep score. My sleep score is through the roof because of it. It tastes clean. Everyone I've given it to love vodka. Tom, tell him.

[Tom Segura]

It's absolutely fantastic. We have a proprietary distillation process. And listen, we are winning competitions. We have gold medals in various competitions. And honestly, you the People are the ones telling us how great it is, too. This is not just smoke that we're blowing here. We're telling you because you're telling us. This is now your favorite vodka. So thank you. And if you haven't tried porosos, get out to the store. If you. If they don't carry it, tell them you want them to carry it.

[Chris D'Elia]

Tell them request it. When you go to the bar, you say, hey, do you carry porosos? And if they say, no, go, you should. It's pretty freaking awesome.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then walk out.

[Chris D'Elia]

You know what I do? I go, do you carry porosos? And they say, no, I bring out a bottle and I give it to him. I go, now you do. Can I get a bottle of glass of porosos?

[Stavros Halkias]

That's awesome. That's awesome.

[Chris D'Elia]

It's like. It's like. It's like. You know what the WNBA is doing, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

The wnba.

[Chris D'Elia]

What? They're letting these fight.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's cool.

[Chris D'Elia]

These cat fights are making this game really interesting.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know.

[Chris D'Elia]

It's almost like 1970s basketball. NBA, right? Like, it's. It's. Have you seen. Like, Like, I. I don't like. I. I'm just gonna be. Just. So I'm saying this out loud. I don't like them pitting Caitlyn against the Angel Clark girl. Angel Reese. Reese. I don't like the. I don't like the racial. Yeah, because it's not there. Like, I don't like when the Internet does that. Like, I don't enjoy that. But, man, Caitlin Clark is so much better than everybody.

[Bert Kreischer]

She's great. She's a great, great shooter.

[Chris D'Elia]

Look at that poke in the eye. Right? Then push, then push down to the ground and then. Hang on. Do you see what happens after this? Is it Sophie Chan fucking tackles that type in the next play? The next play, girl goes up for a layup. Sophie Chan just fucking wraps her arm around her head and takes her to the fucking ground.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, then that, like, skirmish blue.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yes.

[Chris D'Elia]

That makes you. I watched a WNBA game the other day.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

I. I chose it over a professional baseball game.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

And the. And the Phillies were wearing something wild, and I wanted to see what they were wearing, but I was like, it's the fever, man. The fever's got Sophie Chan. Who, by the way, have you seen what she looks like?

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Chris D'Elia]

Pull up Sophie Chan. Pull up Sophie Chan.

[Bert Kreischer]

Holy Cunningham.

[Chris D'Elia]

Whatever. Sophie Chan's or Instagram. That's all I follow her on take. Go to Sophie. Go to her. Look at. Jesus Christ.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

Go to go to her Instagram.

[Bert Kreischer]

How tall is she?

[Chris D'Elia]

She's got to be six, two.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is she?

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

No, go. Right. No one gives a about her height. No one gives a about her height.

[Bert Kreischer]

I just asked.

[Chris D'Elia]

You just care about her Instagram. Wait till you see her Instagram.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Chris D'Elia]

Oh, buddy.

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay.

[Chris D'Elia]

Look at her outfits. She shows up to game day in, right.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

She's fucking stunning. And here's the other thing that's great about these. All these WNBA players.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

Do you know what the one thing they have in common?

[Stavros Halkias]

What?

[Chris D'Elia]

They had great relationships with their dads. That's why they played basketball. They were trying to connect with their dads.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

That's the only reason they're into sports is their dads. No one's a fucking WNBA player who just had a mom. Unlike the NBA. It's just. They had moms and then they, you know.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

And then.

[Bert Kreischer]

I get it.

[Chris D'Elia]

All these WNBA players, they all had great relationships with their dads after games. Who do you think taught him how to fight? Play basketball?

[Bert Kreischer]

She's smoking, man.

[Chris D'Elia]

Dude, she's insanely beautiful.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

And by the way, baller also.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

Now all you're gonna see on Caitlyn is all her highlights. And Caitlyn. I mean, Caitlyn's got crazy highlights. Like, literally.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

Five. Dribbles just outside the half court and shoots a three.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

And you're like, what the. Her dad must be amazing. Pull up Caitlyn Cart's dad. I bet this guy's. I bet he's so was. He's from Iowa.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

I bet Brent Clark, vice president, had a product company, him and his wife still married, maternal grandmother. Fucking football coach, the straight of a Catholic high school. Give me a picture of this fucking guy. Look at him. Look at him. Look at him. Fucking dude. That guy showed up every day and was like, caitlyn, let's work on bounce passes.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

Caitlyn. Three points. You got a girl. I got a. He has a cute nickname for her. Hey, Sea Dog. Here we go. Se Dog. Caitlyn's dad. If you're a man listening to this, you need to realize you need to be Tiger's dad. You need to be Caitlyn Clark's dad.

[Stavros Halkias]

Right.

[Chris D'Elia]

Caitlyn Clark's dad took.

[Bert Kreischer]

She must have had brothers too, right? Did she have brothers?

[Chris D'Elia]

Has to. I would bet my house on it. That she has a brother who's. That's like, you know, that's the Reggie Miller formula. Reggie Miller, Right. His sister was 10 times better basketball player.

[Bert Kreischer]

Than Cheryl.

[Chris D'Elia]

Cheryl Miller.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

She's an unbelievable.

[Chris D'Elia]

Are those her brothers?

[Stavros Halkias]

I don't know.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's if they are. Those are the two that beat the. Out of her for probably, you know, they fouled the.

[Chris D'Elia]

Out of her, and then she'd go sit on the table.

[Bert Kreischer]

Includes her parents, two brothers, Blake and Colin.

[Chris D'Elia]

Blake and Colin would foul the. Out of Caitlyn.

[Bert Kreischer]

He played football for Iowa State.

[Chris D'Elia]

Jesus Christ.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, and her young. Oh, she had a younger brother, too.

[Chris D'Elia]

They would foul the. She would come inside and she'd be crying in their modest house on the. On the farm in Iowa and playing in a dirt patch with just a stick and a hoop, no backboard. And he'd. And he'd. Fowler. And Caitlyn would come in and go, mama, I need a glass of milk. And she go, caitlyn.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

You go downstairs and you talk to Paul, and Paul would come up.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, that was nuts right there. Just that one shot was this, right?

[Stavros Halkias]

Just.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, that's. That's having, like, you would think that.

[Bert Kreischer]

That'S somebody's just one, like, heave it up. But she knew that was going in. You could tell the way she ran from that. She knew it was going in.

[Chris D'Elia]

She just.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

Like, what is it that makes her better than everyone else?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, she's a incredible shooter, man.

[Chris D'Elia]

But I mean, what is that? Is that just.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, somebody who probably shot more than anybody growing up. I mean, she has, like Steph Curry vibes, you know, like, he's the best shooter we've ever seen in the NBA.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, my God.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, but she can facilitate, too, man. She's. She is a super. Where is this Sophie from? Where is she from? Sophie coming. Cunningham?

[Chris D'Elia]

I don't know, but I. I was already following her, so she had to have played basketball at a college I performed at.

[Bert Kreischer]

Let's hit that wiki. Missouri, huh?

[Chris D'Elia]

Nope, I did not play there.

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

They were both. Our parents were both student athletes at Mizzou, Jim. Black belt and taekwondo at age six.

[Chris D'Elia]

That's father interaction. That's a great dad. Hey, honey, do you want to go get ice cream? Well, you got to get a black belt.

[Bert Kreischer]

Holy shit.

[Chris D'Elia]

This is girl dad energy. You know who's going to have two pro athletes? Taylor Lawan and Will Compton. Yeah, because you know they're going to be active as. Fuck me. I phoned it in with my daughters. They quit softball at fucking 13. Yeah, I just couldn't do it. I had a career. It was my life. Not their life. Yeah, yeah, I was. I was this main star yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, focus on your softball career.

[Bert Kreischer]

How were they at softball?

[Chris D'Elia]

Georgia was leading the state in base hits. Maybe the county. Maybe the county. Leading the county in base hits going into Covid. And she quit.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just didn't like it.

[Chris D'Elia]

She hated it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, here's that thing you want.

[Chris D'Elia]

This is it. Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Look at this.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, that's awesome.

[Chris D'Elia]

You got to play it again. I want to see the tackle. Look at the tackle. Watch this. And you're going down with me. And there's no color in it. It's just two white chicks giving mad dog energy.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

I wonder if they say, like, I'll. Your boyfriend, you know, your boyfriend watches me more than.

[Stavros Halkias]

Look at this.

[Bert Kreischer]

Nice.

[Chris D'Elia]

Love it. Dude. More of this.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it's cool.

[Chris D'Elia]

More of them each other up.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

This always goes back to the whole thing of, like, well, this is why hockey is amazing, because you just. Fighting is part of it. Yeah, it's so great. We just love to watch fights, man. I wish they. I love when NFL breaks out into a fight. I love it.

[Chris D'Elia]

Can I tell you. Can I tell you the. The. Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God.

[Chris D'Elia]

Can I tell you the one thing that I. This is the one downfall to growing up in Florida that we didn't understand.

[Bert Kreischer]

What's that?

[Chris D'Elia]

We didn't have hockey growing up, Right. So we didn't understand who played hockey. Like, what boys played hockey. However, there was a minor league hockey team in Tallahassee when we were in college that was our age. They were our age, dudes, but they lived in Tallahassee, played minor league hockey, and then hung out at the bars where we hung out, and we got into a fight with a minor league hockey team. That's not good at the down under. Thinking we had a shot having no idea what a hockey bro is.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

Thinking, yeah, we're tough, too. And they're like, in. Now, in retrospect, they're like, no, we. We fought yesterday.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, we.

[Chris D'Elia]

We fought at practice.

[Bert Kreischer]

We fight all the time.

[Chris D'Elia]

And I was like, I. I fought five years ago. I got to fight. We got up. Dude lost his tooth that night.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah. We got up.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

And I just ran into a dude who came up to me the other day. I was doing something, and he was like, hey, man, I was like, I'm your age, but I played hockey. And I was like, I think we fought, you guys. He was just like, still a brick.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Those guys are gnarly, man.

[Chris D'Elia]

Are you kids gonna play hockey?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I don't think so.

[Stavros Halkias]

It.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't think they want to.

[Chris D'Elia]

No, no, they're not gonna. They can't achieve if they're from Texas. You gotta grow up in Florida or Canada. That's the only place you. Boston? New York. No, Minnesota.

[Bert Kreischer]

If we had stayed in Minnesota, when I got to Minnesota, I was 10. Everybody was playing hockey.

[Chris D'Elia]

You'd have been a hockey player?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't think I would have because, I mean, I did start skating then because it just became normal. But I was still really into football, playing football. I don't think I would have done hockey.

[Chris D'Elia]

I would have been a spectacular hockey player.

[Bert Kreischer]

Spectacular.

[Chris D'Elia]

I'm probably one of the best. Not even.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you good skater?

[Stavros Halkias]

Beautiful.

[Chris D'Elia]

Hold on. Good roller skater.

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're not a good ice skater.

[Chris D'Elia]

Well, we didn't have ice then, so I didn't. I never learned how to ice skate.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, you've never ice skated?

[Chris D'Elia]

I've ice skated a couple times. I'm not very good at it. However.

[Bert Kreischer]

However.

[Chris D'Elia]

I was a competitive speed skater on rollerblades. Competitive roller skates. Roller skates.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, when you say competitive, you mean you went to competitions on Saturdays?

[Chris D'Elia]

They would hold speed skating competitions at our skating rink.

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay.

[Chris D'Elia]

And, like, they do skate. And then they'd hold a competition, and we'd race around the rink a couple times, and we'd see who won. And I won all the time. I was so good. I was.

[Bert Kreischer]

Did you like the dance and skate?

[Chris D'Elia]

Fucking amazing. Yeah, amazing. Now my confidence lays with me for the rest of my life. So, like, if I do something great one time, I believe I'm great at it for the rest of my life.

[Bert Kreischer]

For sure.

[Chris D'Elia]

So I'm doing a show called Wings of Glory for Red Bull, sort of the flu talk. And we're doing sketches to interlude in between the filmed flu dog. And they go, hey, Bert, can you roller skate? And I go, I'm an amazing roller skater. And they're like, cool. We want to do a bit where you. The guy's got a pen in his mouth, you know, and he's doing something. And you go up and you go, hey, safety first. I'm sure you can find this video. Video Wings of Glory. Safety first. Okay. And then it pulls back to reveal. You're on rollerblades with the chainsaw. And I go, okay. Or roller skates with the chainsaw. And I go, okay. And they go, can you skate backwards? I go, yeah. And they're like, great. So we're just gonna add the chainsaw thing in post. Wings of Glory. Bert Kreischer. And so I go, just Turn the chainsaw on. I think it's funnier if the chainsaw's on. Just scroll until you find the chainsaw on roller skates.

[Bert Kreischer]

What is this?

[Chris D'Elia]

This is. It's a TV show for, like, fucking Fox or some shit.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is a different TV show.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, you gotta keep. You gotta keep your finger that fin. Go back, go back, go back, go back. Right there. Hit play. Think. And then there's chainsaw and me and roller skates. So I fell with the fucking chainsaw on and almost cut my leg off.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, that's a real chainsaw.

[Chris D'Elia]

A real chainsaw. I go, try.

[Bert Kreischer]

Not a prop.

[Chris D'Elia]

I wasn't thinking.

[Bert Kreischer]

What is this show? I've never even heard of this show. What is this?

[Chris D'Elia]

It's Something I did. 30 grand. Wait.

[Bert Kreischer]

@ what point does this happen, though? I'm trying to figure this out.

[Chris D'Elia]

This is right after the first season of Birth Conqueror. First seasons of Birth Conqueror. They came to me. You'll see me jump off. Hang on. Don't go all the way. Go back, go back, go back, go back. Right there, right there. Okay, the.

[Bert Kreischer]

And what is the premise of this show?

[Chris D'Elia]

We were going to hit pause. We were going to the flu tog. The flu tog is an event where they fly homemade planes off an aircraft.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right?

[Chris D'Elia]

Okay, so we went to Camden, New Jersey. Camden, New Jersey, huh? Off an aircraft carrier. There was a hurricane coming in. This is an interesting part of this story. Yeah, there was a hurricane coming up the coast. And it was up the. The river was sucking water out of the. Of that river. That whatever river it was, it was sucking it out to the ocean because of the pressure system for whatever reason. And so the water was moving rapidly, and they were like, the Coast Guard were on top. There's fucking a million people. I'm not even exaggerating. A million. Because it's free. Million people out this park to watch people go off in airplanes. Off aircraft carrier. And the producers are like, I think it's too dangerous. I think we're going to call it. And the head of police, the chiefs of chief of police goes, and now you're not calling it. I was like, what? He goes, I got a million people that want to see you fucking idiots go off a goddamn aircraft carrier. I don't give a fuck if you lose somebody. I got a riot on my hands. If a million people don't see people go off that thing. Where they go, well, it's all voluntary. And he goes, there's got to be someone you're paying to do this. And they looked at me and they're like, you're getting 30 grand. You're up. So I went first, and we almost got sucked off to the aircraft carrier. I landed on my ribs, broke my ribs, blood. It was such a show. But this is me going off the thing. Almost decapitates me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, this is you.

[Chris D'Elia]

This is me going off right there. So.

[Bert Kreischer]

There. Yeah, that's you.

[Chris D'Elia]

That was me. And that's. We lived.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, so you just go right in the water.

[Chris D'Elia]

You do you. Some people get really up, and the flu. Todd crashes. Some people get. There was a news reporter.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'll pull up. Flu tog crashes.

[Chris D'Elia]

Oh, my God. You're gonna see some crashes. Crashes, Sierra. Yeah, crashes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah. So some people really get up.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, do some people really take off?

[Stavros Halkias]

Well.

[Chris D'Elia]

Oh, yes. Some people fly legit. So you do a dance, a presentation, and then you build this. And then you see how. Who can fly the furthest.

[Bert Kreischer]

Holy.

[Chris D'Elia]

And some people get worked. And then some people like this.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, he got some air. That's cool. Yeah, that's not good.

[Chris D'Elia]

That's not good. That's really bad.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oof.

[Chris D'Elia]

That's. And then. Watch him.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, you can tell these are concussions left and right.

[Chris D'Elia]

Oh, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, dude. Breaking your back. Oh, my God. Holy shit.

[Chris D'Elia]

See, the worst ones go to the. You can. So those little bars just go to the best ones, the ones with the highest bumps.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, the plane didn't even go.

[Chris D'Elia]

In all honesty, you'd rather the plane not go, right? Oh, my God. Look at her.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, oh, oh. She gonna hit the. That sucked. Oh, like that, dude. I feel like is concussed immediately onto the thing. What about a good one?

[Chris D'Elia]

Type in longest flu tog flight. All right, watch this.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh.

[Chris D'Elia]

These are all. Some people just build something and jump off of them. But you. It's so hard because you can't time it right.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's just like, this is gonna.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

That'S what you're hoping for.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's just what you want.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

We had. We. That's what part of the thing is. We had to learn a dance. So we did a dance up there. But we were so nervous. I was like. I was like, everyone's got to jump.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

And they were. My cameramen, my cameraman and soundmen all had to jump.

[Bert Kreischer]

So were you terrified?

[Chris D'Elia]

The most afraid I've ever been out of all these things was this. Yeah. Excited to go first. And the. And the one.

[Bert Kreischer]

And you went just straight in, right?

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

The one person that went before me was the Day before, it was a news reporter and they had put her on a wing and the wing she was from. She was from Baltimore or whatever. Baltimore. How do you say it again?

[Bert Kreischer]

Bodymore. The city that reads, man.

[Chris D'Elia]

And she, she went off and the thing went like this and dropped and she was sitting on it and it smacked the thing and broke her back. And they had to go in and get her out of the water in a stretcher and put her in. And they put her in and took her off in a stretcher. And then they're like, we go tomorrow. And I was like, what the. I was like, this, this looks dangerous. And they're like, oh, it's weird. Really dangerous.

[Bert Kreischer]

The believe you've done so many of these things for somebody that seems to hate the idea of doing so many of these things.

[Chris D'Elia]

Oh, I'm. I mean, I. You know, we were talking the other day about you going surfing with the boys.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

I got stuck on the outside one time. That's the scariest thing in the world is like, you know, so imagine. I'm imagining you probably had like, you know, three foot waves or whatever.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

So usually what will happen is there'll be an inside and then the outside. So then inside will have like a second break sometimes. And then the outside is where the big waves are. And I got, I paddled out and there were like okay waves. And I was fine with the okay waves. And all of a sudden they got really big and it started getting darker and it was like, oh. And it was, it was really big. And I got stuck out there and I couldn't. I mean, I. And I had to paddle even further because they were breaking and. And they were so big. We were in Puerto Rico. They were so big that I couldn't think of even catching wave to bust on because I was like, I'm going to get severely hurt.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

And I was out there for so long and like people were coming up and they were speaking Spanish to me, so I didn't know what the they were saying. And they'd come out and I was like, I don't know, I'm scared. Low, low, scaredo. And then a dude on a jet ski came out and he was like, are you the man or. I, I think I understood that. And I was like, por favor?

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

And then he put me on a sled with my board. Like, I put my board on the sled and I held on and he just was like yelling hold on the fucko in Spanish. And he just waited for two waves and just punched It. And I got to shore and I was like, I'll never serve again. I'm never. I'm never going. And I've done it since. But.

[Bert Kreischer]

But it's terrifying if it's really big.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

Oh, yeah. We did. We did. We did box car soapbox racing, but we did soapbox racing was, like, really fun. We didn't do the Red Bull one. We just did as fast as you can go. And you get going fast, but you feel very confident about it. Yeah, that's fun. The Red Bull soapbox. Have you seen these?

[Bert Kreischer]

I have seen some of these.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

These are.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, have you done this, too?

[Chris D'Elia]

I didn't do this one. I did. You know what?

[Bert Kreischer]

I did they get up, too. I bet.

[Chris D'Elia]

Type in. Type in. Type in. San Francisco. Big wheel. Big wheel. San Francisco. Big wheel. Run. Okay. This is the wildest thing I've ever done. Bring your own big wheel. We did. Dude, this was so fun. You get on a big wheel, Tom, and you bomb one of their biggest hills.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, no.

[Chris D'Elia]

And it's a thousand people and it's. And all. And you are flying down a hill on a big wheel.

[Bert Kreischer]

Jesus Christ. You did this.

[Chris D'Elia]

And people are getting worked.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I bet.

[Chris D'Elia]

Hold on, hold on. You know, hang on. Type in shovel racing.

[Bert Kreischer]

Shovel.

[Chris D'Elia]

Have you ever gone to shovel racing?

[Stavros Halkias]

No.

[Chris D'Elia]

Shovel racing is terrifying.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, this is.

[Chris D'Elia]

You sit on a shovel. Okay. Yeah. Just hit. Shovel racing in New Mexico. You sit on a snow shovel and you go roughly 70 miles an hour down a hill.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, my God.

[Chris D'Elia]

It is crazy. So we do it, and I see. I'm watching people do it, and there is no control. You have no control.

[Bert Kreischer]

None.

[Chris D'Elia]

You have zero control over anything. If you think you're in control, you're. You're already out of control. And so you get going like 70 miles an hour.

[Bert Kreischer]

70.

[Chris D'Elia]

70. The hill. Depending on the hill you're at. We were doing. I think we were doing it in New Mexico, if I'm not mistaken. And it's fucking steep as shit. And I'm watching. Dudes, look at this. Haul ass. And by the way, the shovel's in the working area of your crotch.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, sure.

[Chris D'Elia]

So if you bust, it's bad. Now. We were doing it for Travel Channel, and I knew as a rule of thumb, 50% looks like 100% on TV.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

So if you're going 40 on television.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

Can't really tell. It's 40. Kind of looks 70, right? Like you don't know how fast that is. That's. That guy's. Look at how Fast. He's going. He's probably going 60 miles an hour, but it looks like a 100, right? I get my lesson, and the first run I do, I haul ass and I'm. And I don't bust. And they don't get it on camera. It's not part of the race. But I noticed is that, like, it didn't look like this. It didn't. This doesn't sell it. So there were these two girls. They were the Traveling Sneakers girls. That's their name. They were hired by espn. They had the Traveling Sneak. Traveling Chucks. See if you could find them. The Traveling Chucks. Espn. Traveling Chucks. They were two adorable girls who were doing the same thing I was doing for Birth Conqueror for espn and Traveling Chucks.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, but it says shovel racing. Traveling Chucks.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah. And so. But these girls didn't have the insight I had that you could get killed on these. So every time we do our event, we meet up with the Traveling Chucks after and go have beers with them. They were adorable. I mean, adorable. And all the guys on my crew were in love with them, so they always wanted to hang out with them. So we go to do Shopper Racing, and I say to the girl, I say to the one doing it, I go, just so you know, like, 50%. Looks like 100% on film. She was like, I'm going to charge it. I go, I wouldn't charge it because you can't. You're not in control. That was not them. That's definitely not them. It's definitely not them.

[Stavros Halkias]

Got it.

[Chris D'Elia]

And I was like. I go, but you're not controlled. So, like. And I go. And, you know, sometimes selling it for camera is better than going as fast as you can. I go, so. Because when I watch these guys go fast, that's not great. But what I'm going to do is I'm going to put my fingers in the snow and drag snow and I'm going to put my feet in the snow to have snow fly up over me. I think. I think it'll look better. And she was like, no, not me. I'm going for. I'm going for, like, I'm trying to win. And I was like, no, no, no, don't try to win. That's going to be a bad idea. So I go. I go, maybe like 40 miles an hour. And it's fast. It's very fast. But it looks dramatic. There's snow everywhere. When I get done, my face is covered in fucking snow. I look like Santa Claus. My beard's covered in snow. It's a great read. This is fucking amazing. It's a great read. She goes next. She throws her feet up on top of the shovel. She puts her hands back in the air like this. And this bitch probably got up to about 80 miles an hour until she catches a corner. The shovel whacks her in the face. She goes flipping end over end over end over end. Rolls up into the berm and is motionless. They go in, they wake her up, they put her on a backboard, and we're like, fuck, that's crazy. Sitting at the bar that night, and she comes in with, like, a cast and a neck brace, and she's like, hey, can I get a beer? I was like, you should have gone 40 miles an hour. The Traveling Chucks. I saw them at theme parks. They were awesome. They were too real.

[Bert Kreischer]

She got real fucked up.

[Chris D'Elia]

She got really fucked up. She got really fucked up. And then never stopped doing the show.

[Stavros Halkias]

They did stop.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, you had to stop doing the show because it's like some of the stuff. Some of the stuff we did was like. And, you know, it's the lack of attention. I remember the first time, the very first episode we were doing Scott Sands. Love Scott Sands. Love Scott Sandstone. My cameraman, he had. This is before GoPros. That's how old the show was. I was before GoPros. I remember when GoPros sent GoPros out and said, try our product. It's called a GoPro.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

And we were like, we're going to stick with. We had this camera that you had to have the bag with you. So when we filmed things, you had a full bag that had a whole camera that had a line going out to a camera that hooked up, and that's what filmed it, but it recorded it into a bag. So anytime you did anything, you had to have a bag with you. When I did, when I jumped off, not the Stratosphere, because they had cameras for that that flew with you, but when. When I did any roller coaster that I had to jump off, freefall, they had to put a backpack on me with a cord that wrapped around me to shoot me. So we did a freefall in. In Cedar Rapids, Cedar point. It's like 420 foot freefall power tower. And they were like, well, we don't want to see the bag. So let's do this. We're going to put the camera on your helmet. Then we're going to wire it through the rigging all the way over to the other side of this that's the Power Tower, one of the funnest rides in the world. That's not the Power Tower. That. No, you're on the Power Tower right there. It takes you up to the top and just drops. You look at that view. And so the bag had to be wired through the ride. And then the bag was over here. So it was wired and the bag's over here. And I go in the very first day, and they're like, all right, hop on the ride. And I was like, cool, they want to put this to your head and test it out. And I was like, hold on, hold on. You haven't tested it yet? And they're like, no, you're going to be fine. And I was like, yeah, but it's stuck to the rigging. Like, if it snags on something, it won't rip my head off. And they're like, that's not going to happen. And I was like, well, have you want to test it without me? And they're like, we can't. We need it on someone to know if it's going to go. And I went, wait, why would you test it on me? Is there like a homeless person or someone we could test it on? And they're like, no. I go, well, you're the camera guy, Scott. You tested on you. He goes, fine, I'll test it on me. Jesus Christ, this is like my first day. He's like, God, talent is so dramatic. And then he goes, hey, we. We checked the whole rig, right? And they're like, well, n. We checked it a couple times. He's like, well, hold on. Maybe let's just check it a couple more times. Like, oh, it's different when it's your fucking head. But that was. The whole production is like, they didn't know any of the things. They didn't know safety was like, ultimately, they were like, if he gets hurt, it's a better show.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, Yeah. I think people probably watch those shows hoping that the host is like, maybe her.

[Chris D'Elia]

When I did her birthday, sent me under a house to be a rat collector. And they got a rat handler. Who? From the movie Willard. Do you know Willard?

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Chris D'Elia]

Oh, pull up the COVID of Willard. They got him, the rat handler from Willard, to bring all his. A thousand rats in and release them on me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, really?

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah. Willard is where. He's got covered in rats, right?

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

That guy. The guy that was the rat collector for Willard hid under a house and sicked rats on me. The. The drama was what they wanted, right? Speaking of rat collecting have you seen this family whose house is in infil. Inf. Inf. What's it called? No. Infested with snakes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Which family? Infested as in they don't want these snakes there or. This is like their pet snakes.

[Chris D'Elia]

They have hundreds of rat snakes. Dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

Where?

[Chris D'Elia]

I have no idea. I sent it to you. It's in the. I sent it to the link over here. Look at this snake. They have snakes everywhere around their house. They have snakes climbing into their house.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God.

[Chris D'Elia]

Here they go out and just a snake's just sitting on their front porch.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's cool. Where is this?

[Chris D'Elia]

Who knows? But they say they. I. I was thinking, what animal are you cool with an infestation of?

[Bert Kreischer]

Not snakes.

[Stavros Halkias]

No, no.

[Bert Kreischer]

That would get most people running.

[Stavros Halkias]

Dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

Snake infestation. Come on. Would you be cool with the snake infestation?

[Chris D'Elia]

No, that's like the last animal. Because they show up at the la. They, like, sneak on you.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

They don't like. Like. We had rats at our old Agnes house. We had a rat infestation because of an orange tree.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

So you have an orange tree in la? Every rat shows up.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, we had that too, in Woodland Hills. Yeah, Rats.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was horrible.

[Chris D'Elia]

And then I shot.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then one time we got up in the morning and I walk into the kitchen and all over the counter are pellets. I'm like, how are these on the counter? I don't understand what. I didn't know what was going on. Those are rat droppings. So then you're like, wait a minute. Where the fuck.

[Chris D'Elia]

Where.

[Bert Kreischer]

So you're trying to figure it out. That's part of it is like in a home. You go like. So then we found. Under, like, there's the main sink in the kitchen. And then sometimes you have like a smaller. Right. Like a wash sink that's separate. So it's like. It's almost like a wet bar area underneath there. I open and it's just like rat everywhere. And then you can see the pipe from that sink into the out, you know, outside the house. And where that pipe hits the wall, it's like. There's just a big gap. And you're like, oh, this is where they're coming. Like, that's why there's here. This is where they come in. So I was like. I mean, I'm like, so freaked out by this. I'm like, I don't know what to do. So, you know, you have, like.

[Chris D'Elia]

You tell Christine. No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, we. There's no way around it.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So we have that. You know, we clean that up. You have the, you know, like, the rat people or whatever come out and, like, what do you want to do? I'm like, just poison everything. Put poison everywhere. Like, put traps and Poison. Poison. They're like, well, this. I go, I don't care what it kills. Have it kill everybody in the neighborhood.

[Stavros Halkias]

Right?

[Bert Kreischer]

So we just put in. They're like, we're putting this. These. They're like, your dog could get a hold of this. I'm like, let it die. Just put the poison out. So we put poison everywhere, and then, you know, whatever. Like, a few days later, you find more pellets. And I'm like, God damn it. So then I just go to the. To the hardware store and the. Like, the filling.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

I just fill that gap so entirely, like, where it's, like, foaming out, falling. And that sealed up every entrance, and that was the end of it. Like that. That's what. Like, it was just the. The accessibility. They can squeeze in through, you know, like a dime.

[Chris D'Elia]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So you have to just have zero gaps. But that shit made me. I mean, I was. I lost sleep over that. That had me just.

[Chris D'Elia]

You could. In Agnes. They would climb across our phone, our power line that went into our house.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

And. And it would. It went up right to a thing. There was a hole that they'd come in. So they put a mesh shield over it, right?

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

So that they go, well, it. We'll close it up. Whatever's in there dies. Whatever's out there can't get back in. The girls. There's a mama rat on the line talking to a baby rat inside the house. And they're like. They're like, dad, we can't let a mom not be with its baby.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, boy.

[Chris D'Elia]

And I was like, wait, what do you mean? And they're like, okay, don't get mad. We opened up the shield to the baby could come in to maybe come out. But the mom went in, and I went, of course the mom went in. It's inside. All the good shit's inside. They're like, well, we broke the shield. So now they're all going back and forth. And I was like, motherfucker. So I took my BB gun and I went out with a bottle of wine one night, and I just sat there. There's a pellet gun. And I just sat there and I waited for them to cross. And I was like, I'm just gonna take them off, like, one by one. I'm drunk. Think that I'm the kind of guy like Rogan that could just fucking hunt my own game, process my own meals. First one, I'm like, oh, God. Oh, God. I start crying. I'm like, what the. Just died. Just die. Grabbed it, wrapped it, and tail slammed it. It didn't die. I was like, why won't you die?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, that shit's. It's rough, dude. We in Silver Lake, we had rats on the. Because also just in that terrain, like, you would see them crossing power lines and phone lines and everything. And so I was working as a site rep where I would go to, like, production offices or, like, locations. And when I was in the main Hollywood location office downtown, I saw one of the maintenance guys, and I was like, hey, you know, got these rats at the house. I don't know what to do. He was like, oh, I got some for you, man. He goes, take this. And it was this, like, pad that you peel the top and then there's, like, sticky.

[Chris D'Elia]

Oh, have you seen.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they. They get stuck in it, and their metabolism just immediately, like, kind of shuts down. He said, like, they can't. They have to be able to move constantly. He's like, this is the right here. He's like, set these up. So I set it up in the backyard, and I took a lot, like a dollop of peanut butter, and I put it, like, right in the middle. And he's like, that's what you do. This is. He's like, let me know how it goes. So I go in. He's like, how'd it go? I go. I put the peanut butter out. I put the sticky pad out. And in the morning, the thing was flipped over, and on he go, those are some big rats. Cool, man. We also had a possum in the inside above my bed. Like, so in my bedroom in the ceiling, you would just hear, like, all this scrape. It was a possum that I think had a baby up there.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so you would just hear claws scratching all the time. So that one I. I called, like, an animal control person. That dude came out, like, s. Straight out of Central Castic. Like, four teeth in la.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wraparound shades, you know, like, he's like, I don't. I don't know what the to do. And he set up a cage. He was all proud of it. He showed me, like, put this bait right here. And he goes, that possum is going to come in here and that door is going to shut. And he's like, it's gonna be pissed. Whatever comes in there's gonna be pissed as. He's like, you just give me a call, come pick it up. And I go, what are you gonna do with it? He's like, I'll release it out like some park somewhere.

[Chris D'Elia]

Farm time. Sure thing.

[Bert Kreischer]

That thing was, like, on. On like clockwork. That and that thing. When.

[Chris D'Elia]

When you find me shovel racing.

[Stavros Halkias]

Is that you?

[Chris D'Elia]

What? That's me.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's you right there.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's crazy that even your staff interrupts my stories.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's not just you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, I'm talking, and your staff's like.

[Tom Segura]

I'll play a video.

[Chris D'Elia]

It looks good with the snow flying by, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. 17 minutes later. Perfectly perfect.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

Sweet. What happened with the possum?

[Tom Segura]

Just.

[Chris D'Elia]

Even my staff. Is that me?

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, oh, yeah, here's.

[Chris D'Elia]

You.

[Bert Kreischer]

Where? This is the thing you were talking about half an hour ago. You want to watch it?

[Chris D'Elia]

The. We, you know, we had a possum kill our chickens.

[Bert Kreischer]

A possum killed the chickens?

[Chris D'Elia]

Killed all our chickens. One by one, by one, within a week.

[Bert Kreischer]

One by one.

[Chris D'Elia]

One.

[Bert Kreischer]

So the next morning, you go out, another one's dead.

[Chris D'Elia]

Another. Another one's dead within a week. And we were like. And Leanne's like, it's a possum. I know it's a possum.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, do they eat them?

[Chris D'Elia]

They would just kill them. Just kill them. They never even ate them. They just ripped their heads off.

[Bert Kreischer]

Holy shit.

[Chris D'Elia]

So we'd wake up to find a headless chicken. And the girls were still young. We were still living over in Agnes. And so we'd bring them over to our house over here. We bury them in the backyard so they could be with us. Say a moment. We'd say a prayer. Then we'd come home. Maybe we'd stay later and have pizza, let the sun set, go home. So the very last one, I think it was Lucy Liu. That's Isa's chicken. That was like, Isla. Kept going. Is such an interesting person. It doesn't. It doesn't. She has no empathy for you. If it doesn't affect her. She has zero empathy.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's a good trait.

[Chris D'Elia]

She's. She's. She's like, the kill. First one they killed was Leanne. She goes, well, at least not mine. And we're like, well, no, I know, but mom lost her chicken. And she goes, I know, but Lucy Lu's still here. And we're like, I know, but that's not. Yeah, that's not. And George's was the next one. And she was like, well, thank God I'm the Only one with a chicken. And we're like, no, that's not what you're supposed to say. You're supposed to say, like, oh, George, I feel bad for her. And she goes, yeah, but I don't. My chicken's not dead. And we're like, are you autistic? Why the fuck can't you just understand? And then when Lucy Liu got Isla's, like, no. Do you realize how this is affecting all of us? And we're like, now it's affecting all of us?

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

And so. I mean, dude, she's 18, and she still does this shit. Still does this. And so we bury Lucy Lou. We have pizza, and we invite friends over for Lucy Lou's burial in the backyard. Bury Lucy Lou. We come home. This is when we had Priscilla and Izzy and Mona. But Priscilla and Izzy have a possum in their mouth that they're ragdolling. It's playing possum. It's playing dead. They're ragdolling it in our living room. It is soaking wet. It is almost hairless. And they have been fucking with this thing. They caught it in the backyard, they brought it into our house, and they are ragdolling it around. And Isla's like, fucking kill it. You killed our chickens. Get it? Dogs. Get it. Like, into, like, Michael Vick shows up at Islay. And we're like. And Leanne puts a bucket on top of the possum, who's playing dead in the corner and calls whatchamacallit. And they're like, just let it go. So we were like. So we went to our neighbor's house and let it go over there.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was fine.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, The Gruesons, we just dropped it off at their house. We're like, no, we don't want the possum.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

Then they were like, oh, dog got attacked by a possum. Like, shut the up. So crazy. How does that even happen?

[Bert Kreischer]

All right, we should wrap.

[Chris D'Elia]

Dude. We should wrap. What do you. What's the plans for the rest of the week with boys?

[Bert Kreischer]

Just more hanging out. Going to the beach.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. We're gonna go surfing again.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

Fuck. I would cancel everything right now to go surfing with. With you guys.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, dude, we're doing, like. It was fun. We're what? We walked down to the beach. We, you know, took them out, take them out for ice cream. Just have them, you know, it's just a full day of. Just. The whole day is spent trying to deplete their energy. That's what two little boys are like, you're just like, all right, dude, burn.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah, just burn calories.

[Bert Kreischer]

You got to burn calories. Otherwise they're just like, ah. Like, just in your face, biting you, punching you. They just wail on me, dude. Like, full swings.

[Chris D'Elia]

Isla told me that when I. When she went to college and she called up, she goes, how's. How's it living with Mom? She'd always live with Leanne for, like, two years while I was on the road. Yeah, she was living with Leanne. And I was like. I was like, it's. It's good. And she goes. She talks a lot. I go, yeah. She goes, you got all her words, dad. Like, you know, you don't get to share any. Like, you get all the words. She hears all the words until she sees you, and then you get all her words. I go, yeah, I am getting all her words. And she goes, you know how they take kids to a park to let them run around? You gotta let her take her out to let her talk to other people, bring up subjects, and then let her talk. So when she comes home, she's done talking. I was like, really? She goes, I used to do it all the time, dad. Bring up. Bring up where she grew up. She. She'll. She loves talking about where she grew up.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just let her talk.

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah. I was like, okay, that's hilarious. I was like, taking Leanne out to talk to people, going, like, hey, she grew up in a small town. They're like, where? She's like, right. Rural Georgia. I'm town of 1200 people. I live now. I got. Went to church at the same school my granddaddy went to. And I was like, fucking Isla's a genius.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's really. That's really clever.

[Chris D'Elia]

You want to know what it's like to live with a college kid?

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

Dad, Last night, dad. Yeah? Did you get Pierce the Veil tickets for me? I was like, no. Can you get them? Can you call someone and get them? I go, isla, we're just going to buy them. I need to know where the seats are. And I'm like, never heard of Pierce the Veil song in my entire life. That's about tickets for them. Three times for her. She's obsessed with Pierce the Veil. And My Chemical Romance.

[Bert Kreischer]

And My Chemical Romance, yeah. Is she going to festivals and does.

[Stavros Halkias]

She do all that?

[Chris D'Elia]

She loves music. She goes to music shows all the time. She goes, like, underground punk shows. She loves. Loves music.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's cool.

[Chris D'Elia]

Well, I wish I could trade, but, yeah, good luck.

[Bert Kreischer]

Have fun at the show. Or making your show.

[Chris D'Elia]

Oh, yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Chris D'Elia]

Tommy, good luck on making your movie.

[Bert Kreischer]

Thanks, man.

[Chris D'Elia]

I hope. I hope it is a blockbuster. And I think with the. The. The story behind this script, I can't wait to see what we get. It's gonna be amazing.

[Bert Kreischer]

Thank you, man. Thank you. I wish you the best on your show, too.

[Chris D'Elia]

Well, thank you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Everything you've told me sounds hilarious.

[Chris D'Elia]

It's gonna be good.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's going to be fun.

[Chris D'Elia]

We'll see.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

We'll have stuff to show you in a year. That's the way it works.

[Chris D'Elia]

Oh, I'll be. I'll be done. Mine will be before then. I know my air date already.

[Bert Kreischer]

You already know your air date?

[Chris D'Elia]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

All right.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's great.

[Chris D'Elia]

That's why we're racing.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, yeah. Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, enjoy it.

[Chris D'Elia]

Have a great summer.

[Bert Kreischer]

Thanks, you two. Enjoy our replacements. We know you'll miss them.

[Chris D'Elia]

Hey, if you guys could just a. Just a couple of times, the comments you leave for us, just leave it about them. It's like, God, Chris seems so. He's changed.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Out of touch.

[Chris D'Elia]

God, I remember when these guys used to be funny.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, do that.

[Chris D'Elia]

Oh, Stav looks unhealthy. He's going to be dead in a year.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do all that stuff.

[Chris D'Elia]

Don't do that after Stavi. That's not fair. But don't do it to me, either.

[Stavros Halkias]

All right.

[Chris D'Elia]

All right. We love you guys.

[Stavros Halkias]

Love you.

[Chris D'Elia]

Love you. One goes top us while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Burts the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean. Here's what we call two bears, one cave.