Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Chrissy Crypto Explains Bitcoin w/ Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave" – Released March 3, 2025

Introduction In this episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave, hosts Bert Kreischer and Tom Segura are joined by comedian and podcast host Chris Distefano. The trio delves into a variety of topics ranging from personal health anecdotes and the intricacies of the Yuka app to the complexities of the cryptocurrency market. Throughout the conversation, they intertwine humor with insightful discussions, providing listeners with both entertainment and valuable information.

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1. Health and Colonoscopies

The episode kicks off with a humorous yet candid discussion about personal health experiences, particularly focusing on colonoscopies.

• Christina P (Chris Distefano) shares her experience with consuming a large glass of milk, leading to severe digestive issues:
  "[00:28] Christina P: ...I drank just a full glass like that of milk. Woke up about three hours later, explosive diarrhea... I think my body was just like, you can't just give me all this milk at once."

• Tom Segura lightens the mood by joking about the outdated nature of drinking milk in large quantities:
  "[01:06] Tom Segura: It's not 1953. No one drinks milk like that anymore."

• The conversation shifts to the rising rates of colon cancer among youth, attributing it to increased alcohol consumption and decreased milk intake:
  "[01:19] Christina P: ...scientists think alcohol consumption on the rise is causing colon cancer and milk consumption is low."

---

2. The Yuka App and Food Additives

A significant portion of the episode is dedicated to discussing the Yuka app, a tool for scanning and evaluating the healthiness of food products based on their additives.

• Christina P introduces the Yuka app and explains its functionality:
  "[06:35] Christina P: ...Yuka is an app that allows you to scan food packages to check their additive content and overall health score."

• The hosts humorously critique various food items using the app, highlighting high-risk additives:
  "[08:53] Christina P: Cheese Whiz scored a 2 out of 100 due to high-risk additives like sodium phosphate, which is linked to kidney issues and cardiovascular disease."

• Tom Segura sarcastically comments on the obviousness of some results:
  "[08:16] Tom Segura: You know, I didn't need this app to tell you that spinach is going to be healthier than Entenmann's."

• They emphasize the app's utility in making informed dietary choices and its ability to guide users towards healthier alternatives:
  "[07:10] Christina P: ...Yuka helps you identify and avoid products with harmful additives, promoting better health choices."

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3. Personal Lives and Family Commitments

The discussion takes a more personal turn as Christina P and Tom Segura talk about their family lives, commitments, and the challenges of balancing career and personal responsibilities.

• Christina P shares her journey towards commitment and engagement:
  "[19:43] Christina P: ...We got engaged now, so we're going to get married. We're going to do a Puerto Rican song and have the wedding in my backyard."

• Tom Segura reflects on his past struggles with commitment and the importance of his current family life:
  "[20:07] Christina P: ...I have my empanada, I have my bodega. We're a team."

• They discuss the exhaustion of not committing and the fulfillment that comes with a stable family life:
  "[20:29] Christina P: ...I've been in therapy for years because I couldn't commit to anything. Now, it's all worth it."

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4. Plastic Surgery and Insecurities

The hosts explore themes of insecurity and the societal pressures that lead individuals to consider plastic surgery.

• Christina P voices her opinions on men opting for procedures like Botox, associating them with insecurity:
  "[26:08] Christina P: ...If guys don't start to get Botox, it makes me think they're a little insecure."

• Tom Segura admits to his own insecurities, using comedy as a coping mechanism:
  "[26:28] Tom Segura: ...I'm insecure. Comedy is my makeup."

• The conversation touches on cultural perceptions of masculinity and the authenticity associated with personal appearance:
  "[26:56] Christina P: ...We guys are supposed to eventually just look like our balls."

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5. Comedy Careers and Touring Experiences

A major segment is dedicated to the nuances of building a successful comedy career, the evolution of stand-up, and the challenges of touring.

• Christina P discusses her comedic journey, including the impact of the Yuka app on her routines:
  "[35:28] Christina P: ...I have been considering my goals, like headlining Madison Square Garden on September 11th, 2025."

• Tom Segura shares his late-blooming success in comedy, emphasizing perseverance:
  "[37:06] Tom Segura: ...I had no success until I was 43. I was a journeyman comic, but one viral clip changed everything."

• They reflect on the importance of authenticity in comedy and the transition from small clubs to large arenas:
  "[70:16] Tom Segura: ...Opportunities now are more bountiful than when I was doing it. You can take time off now, which wasn't possible before."

• The hosts recount memorable touring moments and the evolution of their comedy specials:
  "[80:03] Tom Segura: ...My machine clip went viral, and meeting Joe Rogan was a turning point in my career."

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6. Cryptocurrency and Bitcoin

Towards the latter part of the episode, the discussion shifts to the volatile world of cryptocurrency, particularly Bitcoin.

• Christina P expresses her limited understanding of Bitcoin and her cautious investment approach:
  "[50:21] Christina P: ...I bought a couple of Bitcoins in 2021. It's a high volatile risk thing, but I'm comfortable if it goes to zero."

• Tom Segura attempts to explain Bitcoin's history and value proposition in a simplified manner:
  "[53:17] Tom Segura: ...Bitcoin works because everyone believes in it. It's like the paper currency introduced during the founding of America."

• They touch upon high-profile Bitcoin investments, such as NFL players converting signing bonuses into Bitcoin:
  "[47:17] Tom Segura: ...An NFL player took his signing bonus in Bitcoin, and it's worth millions now."

• The hosts debate the legitimacy and future of cryptocurrencies, acknowledging their dominance and the necessity to adapt:
  "[53:50] Christina P: ...You can't ignore cryptocurrencies anymore. I allocate a small percentage of my portfolio to Bitcoin despite not fully understanding it."

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7. Historical Anecdotes and Personal Stories

Intertwined with their main discussions are numerous historical references and personal anecdotes that add depth and humor to the conversation.

• Tom Segura and Christina P delve into World War II history, discussing figures like Adolf Eichmann and Mussolini:
  "[58:44] Christina P: ...Adolf Eichmann was the one who got captured and put on trial in Israel, which validated the Holocaust."

• They reflect on how individual actions can have monumental impacts on history:
  "[61:06] Tom Segura: ...Gabriel Pritsip's assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand sparked World War I, changing the course of history."

• Personal stories about family heritage and the challenges of understanding one's roots are shared:
  "[56:35] Christina P: ...My ancestry is 98% German, and growing up in Ridgewood, Queens, I was often mistaken for being German because of my appearance."

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8. Final Reflections and Future Plans

As the episode draws to a close, the hosts share their aspirations and reflections on their careers and personal lives.

• Christina P outlines her specific goals, such as headlining Madison Square Garden and developing a sitcom:
  "[37:38] Christina P: ...My first goal is to headline Madison Square Garden on September 11th, 2025, and I'm also developing a sitcom about my father."

• Tom Segura contemplates taking a hiatus from touring to reset his career while maintaining his connection with family:
  "[72:42] Tom Segura: ...I'm considering taking time off to reset everything, focusing more on family rather than constant touring."

• They emphasize the importance of teamwork and mutual support in both personal and professional realms:
  "[44:41] Tom Segura: ...When you look and you go, this is my team. These are my guys. We've got each other's backs."

• The episode concludes with a heartfelt exchange, highlighting the strong bond between the hosts:
  "[94:43] Christina P: I love you, too. I'll kiss you on the fucking lips. I would."
  "[94:50] Tom Segura: America."

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Notable Quotes

• "[00:28] Christina P: ...I'm gonna drink some milk. ...And then I drank just a full, like a full glass like that of milk. Woke up about three hours later, explosive diarrhea."

• "[08:53] Christina P: Cheese Whiz scored a 2 out of 100 due to high-risk additives like sodium phosphate, which is linked to kidney issues and cardiovascular disease."

• "[20:07] Christina P: I have my empanada, I have my bodega. We're a team."

• "[37:38] Christina P: My first goal is to headline Madison Square Garden on September 11th, 2025, and I'm also developing a sitcom about my father."

• "[53:17] Tom Segura: Bitcoin works because everyone believes in it. It's like the paper currency introduced during the founding of America."

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Conclusion This episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave offers listeners an engaging blend of humor, personal stories, and insightful discussions on health, technology, and the entertainment industry. Chris Distefano's presence adds a dynamic layer to the conversation, making it a must-listen for fans interested in the multifaceted lives of these comedians. Whether you're keen on understanding the basics of Bitcoin or simply wanting to hear about the ups and downs of a comedy career, this episode delivers on all fronts.

Transcript

[Bert Kreischer]

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[Tom Segura]

100%. Cheers. Brand new episode of Two Bears One Cave. Fuck that. It's history Hyenas.

[Christina P]

We're here. This is the history Hyenas.

[Tom Segura]

The. When was the last time you had.

[Christina P]

Milk, dude, the last time I had just a full glass of milk was probably about a year and a half ago. I just had a full. My. I had to go get milk for my kids, and I just put it in the fridge there. And I was just looking at it and I was like, I'm gonna drink some milk. And then I drank just a full, like a full glass like that of milk. Woke up about three hours later, explosive diarrhea. I mean, ripping it off the backboard of the toilet, like, like a, like a diarrhea, like a cartoon, you know, like. And I, I'm not lactose intolerant, but I think my body was just like, you can't just give me all this milk at once.

[Tom Segura]

It's not 1953. No one drinks milk like that anymore.

[Christina P]

But I did hear, though, that the. Ready for this? They said two reasons why colon cancer is going up in youth. One, increase alcohol consumption. Sorry, Bert.

[Tom Segura]

I got my colonoscopy. I'm clean. Oh, yeah, Let me write that down and I'll tell you my colonoscopy joke, please.

[Christina P]

Thank you. Colonoscopy. And did, and did you. Did you wake up and you weren't hard?

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Christina P]

Me either.

[Tom Segura]

Dude.

[Christina P]

Fucking our dads were wrong.

[Tom Segura]

But you got a colonoscopy?

[Christina P]

Yeah, I've gotten two.

[Tom Segura]

Why? You have colon cancer in your family?

[Christina P]

No. Well, here's what happened is, well, I'm 40, so they say start getting at 40. So I got cleaned. I, I, I got clean.

[Tom Segura]

I was 51.

[Christina P]

51, but I got cleaned out. This, this last one I did, I didn't even do the propofol. I just said, just shoot her up there. I just. But when I was.

[Tom Segura]

Just give me a belt.

[Christina P]

Yeah, yeah. We went old school, wilderness. So.

[Tom Segura]

So.

[Christina P]

But when they gave me one, because what happened was I was having an anxiety attack and I took a shit that I felt looked questionable. I felt that I took a questionable shit. And so I took a peek because my mom, since I've been a little kid, she saw me two things and two things only like, on a daily basis, don't do drugs. Big. And then always before you flush your poop, you look at it and you make sure that your poop looks good.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Christina P]

So I've been looking at my poop since I'm about 6 years old.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, why? I don't like automatic flushing toilets. Take it away from you too fast. 100% a runaway teen.

[Christina P]

Yeah. I have to. I try to put my hand down there. And.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, so.

[Christina P]

So I took a. I took a. Questionable shit is what a QS is what we call it. And so? And so? And so I have a friend. I have a friend who's a dermatologist, so nothing to do with the colon.

[Tom Segura]

Can I send you a pic?

[Christina P]

Yes. So I said, can I send you a pic? Exactly what I said. And he said, sure. Expecting to see some type of eczema or psoriasis, but I sent him just a nice cold shit. And so. And so he said, this is not my expertise.

[Tom Segura]

Are you sending this to me as a friend or for my professional opinion?

[Christina P]

Well, the thing is, I'm calling him a friend, but I didn't even know him that well. I just. I had his number because I booked him on zocdoc a couple of weeks before, so. So. And he said, okay. He said, it's not my expertise. He said, but I would agree with you that it does look questionable. Because I said to the doctor, I said, is this a questionable shit?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, right away.

[Christina P]

And he said, it does look questionable. So I made an appointment with a gastroenterologist. And I said, you know, showed him the pic and he said, look, I don't know if that's a filter. It could be. It could be just the lighting. I really don't know. He goes, but wait, yes.

[Tom Segura]

Do you have. You had swiped to put a filter on it?

[Christina P]

Yeah. I swear to God.

[Tom Segura]

You were posting on Instagram?

[Christina P]

Yeah, like it was a snap. It was this sepa, back of my Snapchat days.

[Tom Segura]

Is this Lowepro 2?

[Christina P]

Is this Paris? So. So he says, let's take a look. Let's take a look. And I said, great. So we do it. And then I wake up and he's like, you know what? I'm happy that we took a look. You would have been fine. But you did have two polyps, and those polyps could have grown and would have grown, and maybe there would have been cancer, maybe not. You don't know. But we clipped them, so now you should be good for five years. So he said, come back in five years. So I went five years. That's right.

[Tom Segura]

Seven.

[Christina P]

He told me you got seven years.

[Tom Segura]

I had three polyps.

[Christina P]

You had three polyps and he told you seven years. Why did I get five? Five for two, then?

[Tom Segura]

I don't know, man.

[Christina P]

What the.

[Tom Segura]

Where did you get yours done?

[Christina P]

I got mine done in New York. Maybe my clinic was running a deal. Maybe we're doing pro. Did you put in the promo code? Promo code?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. This promo code. Busting.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

No, wait. No, my. Mine was. Mine was five. He said, I found three polyps. He told me when he woke me up.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

He's like, I found three pops. They're not. I wouldn't worry about them. We're gonna do a biopsy. I'll let you know.

[Christina P]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

And then he DM'd me, and he said, hey, man, they're all clean. You don't have to be back for another seven years. And then I DM'd back. What should I wear?

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And then he said, I can't. I can't tell you that, because I don't. I'm not certain I'll be your doctor.

[Christina P]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

And I wrote back, yeah, but I've only let one man inside of me.

[Christina P]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

I like a commitment.

[Christina P]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

He never replied.

[Christina P]

And he never replied. And he just left it on red.

[Tom Segura]

See?

[Christina P]

Why doesn't anybody have any fun anymore?

[Tom Segura]

Dude, I was just talking the guys, like, hold on, let's go back to milk.

[Christina P]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

So. So that your mom said two things. Don't drink.

[Christina P]

She said, don't know. She said, don't do drugs. She said, always make sure you look in the toilet bowl before you flush down your pooper.

[Tom Segura]

How does this have to do with milk?

[Christina P]

Because what I. Because what happened was, is we started. I told you I drank milk and I had explosive diarrhea after just one glass of milk, even though I'm not. Not lactose intolerant. Because typically, I honestly think the last time I had milk before that glass is I sucking it straight out of the titty.

[Tom Segura]

No, I. Dude, I have. My dad had a problem with milk. Like a pro, he would drink a gallon a day.

[Christina P]

Right?

[Tom Segura]

My dad drank so much fucking milk I drank, I. I love getting vitamin D. The red milk. You know, the vitamin D one.

[Christina P]

Yeah. By the way, I remembered why I brought up colonoscopies. Because of the milk. I'm sorry.

[Tom Segura]

Keep going.

[Christina P]

Alcohol consumption on what scientists think is alcohol consumption on the rise is causing colon cancer and milk consumption on the low. People are drinking less milk because they think calcium fights against colon Cancer and alcohol fights for it. Alcohol is team colon cancer.

[Tom Segura]

Is it one of the doctors?

[Christina P]

They fucking. They fucks with colon cancer.

[Tom Segura]

I always thought so. We so do they. Can they tell what causes cancer?

[Christina P]

They. They. They will listen. Most likely the reason colon cancer is on the rise because of the additives in the food. You know that Yuka app. Do this app. Dude, go get the Yuka app. You start scanning shit. Do you have, like, food here? You have like, packaged food. Bring me a package of some fucking food.

[Tom Segura]

Is someone listening downstairs? Yeah, I need a Yuka app and I need a bunch of the food that I eat all the time.

[Christina P]

Yes, I have the Yuka app. Just bring me up some packaged food. We're gonna start scanning shit and you're gonna start to be horrified. I want that.

[Tom Segura]

Those protein chips that I eat all the time.

[Christina P]

Yes, Bring those in.

[Tom Segura]

Nothing. That's a sponsor.

[Christina P]

Yes, exactly.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I'm liquid death in the fucking case. Yes.

[Christina P]

Liquid death should be good. And anything I've scanned on HelloFresh is AM.

[Tom Segura]

I'll tell you what, I. We should bring on sponsors and just ruin all our relationships.

[Christina P]

Well, dude, I just did a podcast before, and if they're a sponsor, edit this out. But they had all. There was all sponsored by Celsius. I scan that Celsius and you got told me. Hell fucking no.

[Tom Segura]

For real?

[Christina P]

They said Celsius is like a 20 out of 100.

[Tom Segura]

So. Wait, what's Yuka?

[Christina P]

So Yuka, the app. Yuk. Yuka is. Is an app that my girl got like my family, my wife, she's like, we got to start scanning our fucking food.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, hold on. Okay, keep going.

[Christina P]

Yep. So. So. So we got the Yuka app and she starts scanning shit. And like, for example, you scan Entenmann's donuts, which I know donuts are not healthy. Everybody knows that. But when you scan Entenmann's donuts, a possible score. Like spinach gets 100 out of 100. Entamins gets a 0 out of 100 with added 10 additives in there that all cause cancer. The redder the additive, the more it causes cancer.

[Tom Segura]

You know, I didn't need this app to tell you that spinach is going to be healthier than Edamano. But.

[Christina P]

But I knew. No, but. See, but. But then there's other things, like, like a protein bar. I was just at the. At the coffee fix bagel store in LA yesterday, and I went to go get a protein bar with. With my egg sandwich, and I scanned one protein bar, one flavor, the same Protein bar. I scanned one flavor, it got a 30 out of 100 and the other flavor got an 80 out of 100. Let's bring it in.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, it's about to get scared. Oh, just start with. Oh my God. Start with cheese whizz with.

[Christina P]

I'm going to scan this.

[Tom Segura]

I do this.

[Christina P]

She's good. I scanned her. She's good. She's 100 out of 100.

[Tom Segura]

Easy cheese.

[Christina P]

Here we go. Cheese whiz.

[Tom Segura]

Oh my God.

[Christina P]

A 2 out of 100. Holy shit. Easy cheese pasteurized. 2 out of 100 additives. 5 additives too high risk. Oh my God, look at these fucking. Sodium phosphate. This additive contains phosphorus. A minimal whose current intake exceeds recommendations have a harmful effect on the kidneys and increased risk of cardiovascular disease. Calcium phosphates could be present in nanoparticles. Increased cardiovascular, kidneys. I mean, so. So this one's fucking out.

[Tom Segura]

The other day, let me tell you the meal I had with this, I had an Oscar Mayer wiener with a Twinkie as a bun, right? Cut in half with this on top.

[Christina P]

Amazing.

[Tom Segura]

It was so good.

[Christina P]

I guarantee you I haven't been home, but I guarantee you that was my 3 year old's exact lunch. But dude, so what I like about the UK app is they give recommendations so this cheese whiz can go fuck itself. But then we got what's better. You ready for this?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

How about this? You want a cheese? I'll tell you what. Cheese. Get the organic pasta. 4 cheese from Organics. 82 out of a hundo. And that's got no additives. All right.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Let's scale. Which one, which one do you think is possibly going to be good? Which one out of these do you think is healthy?

[Tom Segura]

Quest, Quest. Here we go.

[Christina P]

Let's fucking see. 16 out of 100. So bad. Fuck, dude, let me tell you something.

[Tom Segura]

They're not a sponsor, right? I think I just buy them because they're keto.

[Christina P]

Dude, the additives are fucking crazy. The sodium's through. Now I'm saying all this, but also I will tell you full disclosure. I ate a toasted blueberry muffin with butter on the way here and I. And there was no barcode so I couldn't scan it. So I just threw that puppy back. But this has calcium carbonate, this has all these things linked to cancer, linked to heart disease. So 16. Let me just give you a recommendation though. You know what's a better one? You ready for this? You think these protein ones are good? What they're suggesting you eat are the harvest Frito Lay chips. Those are 51 out of 100. Because they have no, because they're all about the like they.

[Tom Segura]

So what they're doing is in order to get you low additives and that's.

[Christina P]

What causes problem, because the calories and this, you can burn all that off. All right, nerds will be good.

[Tom Segura]

Nerds.

[Christina P]

Nerds will be healthy. Let's see what nerds are. I guarantee you, if nerds even gets one point, I'd be shocked. Nerds is 4 out of 100. I mean, get these the out of here.

[Tom Segura]

Hang on. Zero carb.

[Christina P]

All right, let's go.

[Tom Segura]

Shin tortillas. I with these 24 out of 100, folks. Not bad considering my diet's been in the 18s.

[Christina P]

Not bad since it's. But it's got 10 additives. These six of them are high risk that are directly linked to cancer.

[Tom Segura]

Mayonnaise. Go. Mayonnaise.

[Christina P]

Mayonnaise.

[Tom Segura]

Come on, Mayonnaise. Come on, Mayonnaise. You're on everything.

[Christina P]

Come on, come on, let's go. Mayonnaise. This is a 15 out of 100.

[Tom Segura]

Jesus Christ.

[Christina P]

This is a 15 out of 100.

[Tom Segura]

Do I eat anything above 50?

[Christina P]

No. Let's see light.

[Tom Segura]

Let's. Come on, tuna fish. Come on, let's go.

[Christina P]

Let's see if tuna's good.

[Tom Segura]

Come on, tuna.

[Christina P]

Tuna's a 90 out of 100.

[Tom Segura]

Starkist.

[Christina P]

Fuck yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Starkist.

[Christina P]

Absolutely. Promo code Starkist.

[Tom Segura]

Starkist just sent me so much tuna.

[Christina P]

Tuna's good.

[Tom Segura]

Sent me a box of this because of the Matthew McConaughey interview.

[Christina P]

Yep.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Starfish.

[Bert Kreischer]

Excited to tour the UK and Ireland. Coming up, I'll be in Dublin March 15th, Belfast for two shows at Waterfront hall on March 16th. First show is sold out. We added a second show. Manchester is March 19th, London March 20th, Glasgow March 21st, Nottingham March 22nd and Cardiff March 23rd. Go get your tickets [e-mail] tour it.

[Tom Segura]

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[Christina P]

I'm so glad you got keto coconut mix. 17 out of 100, folks. See you fucking later.

[Tom Segura]

Get the fuck out.

[Christina P]

Yeah, let's do raisins. Everyone's favorite American treat. Let's see raisins. If they didn't have a barcode. This doesn't even have a fucking barcode. Get it out of here. Oh, edamame. The Japanese are healthy. Let's look at what the Japanese are doing.

[Tom Segura]

Unless it was World War II.

[Christina P]

Yeah, exactly. Japanese 51 out of 100.

[Tom Segura]

It's not bad either.

[Christina P]

Not bad. 50 and over. And it's good. It says good, it's green. But dude, can you believe that?

[Tom Segura]

I'm getting that Yuka app. Come on.

[Christina P]

I won't read it out.

[Tom Segura]

Come on, LD. Come on, LD.

[Christina P]

Liquid death. 100 out of a hundred.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, let's go.

[Christina P]

Drink your liquid death. It's mountain. It's. Yeah, it's mountain water. Still drinking water.

[Tom Segura]

Dang it. I'm getting this. I'm going through my whole thing.

[Christina P]

Dude, you get the. Get the Yuka app and I'm telling you. But the only thing. Don't scan alcohol. You don't want to see the alcohol. As a matter of fact, when you scan the alcohol, it just says. It just says you know what you're doing. That's what it does. Well, it goes you know what you're doing and it won't give you a score.

[Tom Segura]

For real?

[Christina P]

Swear to God.

[Tom Segura]

So how much alcohol do you drink?

[Christina P]

Me?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

I drink. Well, I actually. Two weeks ago, two weeks ago I realized, because I'm not usually a big drinker, but two weeks ago I realized, I just thought back and I drank 31 days in a row. But not drinking to get drunk. I just had a drink.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, me too.

[Christina P]

You know what I mean? I just had a little cash drink, but so I've been trying to not drink as much. But I gotta be honest with you, babe, sometimes it's nice just have a little wine. It's nice to have a little fucking tequila.

[Tom Segura]

Come on.

[Christina P]

You know what I mean? I like to just have that little vodka. Little vodka. Just a sip, just a taste.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Cause it's either that or I eat a fucking muffin and the Yuka app's gonna tell me, don't eat the muffin.

[Tom Segura]

I. I'm trying not to drink tonight.

[Christina P]

Okay, but it. You just literally told me you're gonna drink before couples therapy, which is in 50 minutes.

[Tom Segura]

No one brought me one. Right. When I went to our first couples therapy.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I said, I'm not a deal breaker, but I need to know, is it okay if I come in here drunk every now and then?

[Christina P]

What'd you say?

[Tom Segura]

Of course.

[Christina P]

100.

[Tom Segura]

She goes, why would you.

[Christina P]

Good therapist.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. She goes, I would love to. And then Leanne was like, please, I would love to see you. See what you get when you use drunk.

[Christina P]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I've been doing. We're doing. I'm like, I'm. I've won two. We've tied on two, I think.

[Christina P]

Yeah, it's good. That's a couple therapy. Yeah. Yeah, we got couples therapy. It really helped us a lot. It was rocky at first because the couples therapist, after knowing us for a couple of weeks, was like, maybe you guys should. Maybe. Is there an idea of, like, entertaining a possible open relationship? Is that possible?

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina P]

And I swear to God, I said. I said, I'm not. No, I don't. I don't want to do that. That's not, you know, at all. And then she's like, okay. But then I said, but just to ask some follow up questions. What. What does that imply? Let's like, you know what I mean? Like, do you want to. What does that mean? And then, you know, it was just silent. And then when we. As soon as we left that fucking therapy session, I mean, my girl was pissed. She was like, follow up. Questions? What's the fucking follow up question? And I was like, I don't know, because I just, I. I think I thought that I got a little nervous about like, okay, one woman for the rest of my life. Woman for the rest of my life. So I just got frantic, but now I'm calm, now I'm good. And I'm like, this is good. This is good. You want one woman? And we got a beautiful family. We got engaged now, so. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. So I've always been confused because, like I listen to clips of the podcast on, on Instagram.

[Christina P]

Sure.

[Tom Segura]

Or on, on YouTube stories or YouTube. And I go, wait, are they together? Are they broken up?

[Christina P]

Right? It's. Honestly, sometimes we didn't even know. And sometimes we were just getting. We were out of control. But now we are fully together.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, we've. We've good.

[Christina P]

Committed.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

It's just good. I want it to be that way. We got a family, we got our kids, and we've been good. Now we're engaged. And I say wife. I say we're, we're. We're married. But not technically married yet, but Puerto Ricans, they said as long as you're engaged, you're fucking in. Yeah, that's what it is. So we're going to get married. We're going to do a Puerto Rican song. Get married in my backyard. Which is, that's, that's how we roll. And so. And so. But it's fun. I like, you know what it is? I feel great being committed to it because then it's like, then it's like, you just focus. Like you just say, I got my, I got my family, I got my wife, I got. We're going to do my career. And this is great. And the family's happy and everybody's happy. And I'm like, oh, I was just scared of the commitment. And that's why I was in therapy for years, because I couldn't commit to anything. Girls, my career, my fucking hair. I just couldn't commit. And it's, and it's exhausting to not commit. It's literally exhausting.

[Tom Segura]

Fucking your hair is exhausting.

[Christina P]

You like that, dude?

[Tom Segura]

God, man. What's that like?

[Christina P]

What?

[Tom Segura]

Just have that much hair, dude, I just.

[Christina P]

Well, you know, all my friends are bald, so I just spiked this puppy up. I just, I just did it up and, and it, and it's good. And also I'm scanning my hair products on Yuka. I only use fucking 50 over 100 hair products.

[Tom Segura]

Are you serious?

[Christina P]

Because the creams, all the Creams and lotions.

[Tom Segura]

You can do, like, lotions on Yuka.

[Christina P]

Dude, the lotions. The lotions that you put on your body, Some of these things are 1 out of 100. Some of them are just pure fucking cancer. Some of them are like, you literally might as well just move to Chernobyl. It's like you're literally rubbing yourself down with Chernobyl juice. But the Yuka app saves. I'm Chrissy Avino. Dude, Aveeno's good for you.

[Tom Segura]

I would. I. I want to get this new. I just got a new face lotion from Dr. Diamond.

[Christina P]

Oh, my God. Okay. He's not gonna get a good score.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, I bet.

[Christina P]

Dr. Diamond.

[Tom Segura]

Someone get me my Dr. Diamond lotion.

[Christina P]

Oh, my God.

[Tom Segura]

It's like 500. Dr.

[Christina P]

It sounds like it's somebody in Trump's cab.

[Tom Segura]

Hey, someone bring it up. But bring it up. The way it was presented to me.

[Christina P]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

Hope did the whole presentation.

[Christina P]

Can we scan Dr. Dr. Diamond on the pod body? Yes.

[Tom Segura]

I hope it goes big.

[Christina P]

Oh, dude.

[Tom Segura]

I'm thinking about. What do you think about men getting plastic surgery?

[Christina P]

Well, I. When I think about men getting plastic surgery as. I think we shouldn't do it. Just like I think men should never get paternity leave money. I think a man who goes on paternity leave. I think men who get on. Go on paternity leave. Let's see.

[Tom Segura]

Let's see.

[Christina P]

Dude, look at this guy.

[Tom Segura]

This is. This is. Then. Okay, Dr. Diamond. Hang on.

[Christina P]

Go ahead.

[Tom Segura]

Go ahead, Dr. Diamond. Dr. Diamond.

[Christina P]

Turn on your skin.

[Tom Segura]

Dr. Diamond is the best plastic surgeon in all of LA.

[Christina P]

Okay?

[Tom Segura]

And I don't know why he sent me this.

[Christina P]

Why not?

[Tom Segura]

Feel this. Feel this. It's magneted.

[Christina P]

Dr. Diamond, they said, is the best plastic surgeon all of la. And he spells medicine. M E, T A C I, N.

[Tom Segura]

E. I think it's a branding.

[Christina P]

Wait, where's. And it doesn't have a barcode.

[Tom Segura]

Doesn't have a barcode.

[Christina P]

Well, how does. Oh, look, it already got kaludu plum raspberry oil face mist. It's. It just scanned something.

[Tom Segura]

It might be the mayonnaise.

[Christina P]

Yeah, it literally thought. Wait, I literally. Face mist just popped up. Hold on. It's just scanned it. Hold on. No, I don't know. There's no fucking barcode on it.

[Tom Segura]

Wait. Yeah, it's high end.

[Christina P]

It's got high end shit. Biomimetic. Hey, you know what? Dr. Diamond's medicine. Let me. Let me. Let me write him in.

[Tom Segura]

Okay?

[Christina P]

I'm gonna write him in. Hold on.

[Tom Segura]

He hit me. He sent that to me. And then I thought, is it. Is it okay?

[Christina P]

Dr. Diamond's medicine Plasma. That's what this is called. I think that is 49 out of 100. So it's poor. It's not bad. It's got phenix anthenol, which is a moderate risk, which is just a potential allergen. But it's actually, it's. This one is. Is mostly green.

[Tom Segura]

Dr. Diamond.

[Christina P]

Dr. Diamond actually came through. Dr. Diamond actually came through with. I was surprised by that. Dr. Squatch is the better doctor. They're saying here.

[Tom Segura]

Dr. Squatch.

[Christina P]

They're saying Dr. Squatch is excellent. Dr. Diamond's poor. That's what they're saying.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, well, I'm going to err on Dr. Diamond.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Squatch is the one you get in target, right?

[Christina P]

Squatch is the one you get Target. But Squatch is the one Joe Rogan uses on his pits.

[Tom Segura]

For real.

[Christina P]

Joe Rogan. When, when I did the show a couple of weeks ago, he, me and Giannis went on, History went on. And he told us to smell his pits. And, and because he said that he's scentless. And we smelled this Dr. Squatch armpit juice and it was fucking awesome. So I could see why. This is 100. This is Rogan Pitt approved.

[Tom Segura]

Dr. Squatch.

[Christina P]

Yeah, this is good, dude. See this? This will go in my ass.

[Tom Segura]

That. That. Look at that.

[Christina P]

Oh, my God.

[Tom Segura]

So I was. I had a debate with my wife and my. And my, my parents. So I was thinking, everyone's going to get hair transplants.

[Christina P]

Everyone's going to Turkey.

[Tom Segura]

Everyone's going to Turkey. As a matter of fact, Ari is just texting me and said, I would like to make a group trip for all of us to go to Turkey together.

[Christina P]

They will fucking kill Ari. And Turkey, that is the enemy of all enemies. I mean, they couldn't think of a worse.

[Tom Segura]

I think historically someone did kill Ari's types in Turkey.

[Christina P]

I mean, yeah, they are actually waiting for fucking Ari to turn him into Turkey.

[Tom Segura]

He's going to put him under, he's going to wake up and they'll be like. It'll be just like the old Mendela. Was it Mendela?

[Christina P]

Yeah, dude, Ari's gonna be fucking packaged and scanned on the Yuka app after he goes to Turkey. God, I hope somebody kills Ari. Be so great. Just watch him go to hell.

[Tom Segura]

It would be.

[Christina P]

It was just comedy.

[Tom Segura]

It was just comedy.

[Christina P]

He had every. All his fucking jokes.

[Tom Segura]

But I was debating with Leanne about plastic surgery, about getting Your hair done or getting, like, a CO2 laser treatment, any of that shit.

[Christina P]

Right?

[Tom Segura]

And there was Leanne. Was Leanne's like. Leanne's theory about all of it is you want to age because those. You've earned those lines, you've earned that. That shows the life you've lived. It's a gift to get. She's like a rock in an ocean that the waves just hit every fucking day. And one day it's just sediment. Maybe that's a bad example, but I agree.

[Christina P]

I see what you mean. Leanne is a rock in the ocean.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And she goes, do not get hair transplant. Leanne is wet Leanne. But, like, what do you think about, like, if you found out a guy got Botox or got collagen in his cheeks?

[Christina P]

Here's what. Here's what. Whatever you want to do. Your body, your choice, whatever you want to do. When guys don't start to get Botox, and it just makes me think you're a little insecure. And the thing that scares me the most of any and the person I want to be around, I mean, the fucking least in my life is an insecure man.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, no. Insecure men. I'm, by the way, I am probably pretty insecure.

[Christina P]

Yeah, But. But you're not, though.

[Tom Segura]

But I'm insecure. Comedy heavy.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I'm insecure. And, like, the thing I do is I lean towards comedy, and that's my makeup, and so it's okay.

[Christina P]

Yeah, you're. You're. You're 100 out of 100 on the UK. You're balance about.

[Tom Segura]

You won't catch me looking in the mirror too much at myself.

[Christina P]

You won't know. So. But I'm talking about, like, a guy who's getting, like, collagen and Botox. It's just weird. It's just because the insecurity of. It's like, we're guys, dude. We're supposed to eventually just look like our balls. And I just believe that at the end, you look like a testicle, right?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

That's what it is. You go back to what the creator is of your fucking sack.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

So I don't want to do any plastic surgery like that. I'll put product in my hair. You know, I'll try to look relatively presentable.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

You know, I got. I'm going to Jimmy Kimmel tonight. My whole offer, it's from Zara, your boy don't fuck around. And so, you know, shout outs are. Dude, I stepped up Queen Center Mall, shouted out woodhaven Boulevard have better sex.

[Bert Kreischer]

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[Christina P]

ABC Sunday American Idol returns.

[Bert Kreischer]

Give it your all good luck.

[Christina P]

Come out with a golden ticket. Let's hear it.

[Tom Segura]

This is immense. Word.

[Christina P]

I've never seen anything like it. And a new chapter begins. You're going to Hollywood. Carrie Underwood joins Lionel Richie, Luke Bryant and Ryan Seacrest on American Idol season premiere premiere Sunday 8, 7 Central on ABC and stream on Hulu.

[Tom Segura]

So I almost wore a collar shirt for this today because I'm at a point where I go, I think I dress like a child, right? Like, I dress like a child.

[Christina P]

But it's fun. It's you.

[Tom Segura]

I know, but like I get, I get start getting like in my head about like, you know, should I, should I be dressing and acting like a 52 year old, right? Like.

[Christina P]

No.

[Tom Segura]

Sandler sure as hell doesn't.

[Christina P]

He doesn't look at him.

[Tom Segura]

Anybody's got like a style, right?

[Christina P]

You have a style. You do. You fuck. No shirt, jeans, no shirt, jeans and flip flops. You're the only guy. You're the only. I've said this before. You're the only man who I genuinely like, who, who wears jeans and flip flops. Most men who wear jeans and flip flops. I want to walk up to him and say, if you think your wife's not cheating on you, you're mistaken. There's no way she's turned on by seeing your fucking toes. Okay?

[Tom Segura]

Why you. But you New York guys are not a fan of bare feet.

[Christina P]

We, I hate. No, but, but, but the thing is you, I don't know what it is. You're just the guy and everyone's you just the way you do it. Maybe because it's, you're the opposite of insecure. You're confident with it. And I'm like, that's just Burt being burnt. I mean, you're barefoot. You know what I mean?

[Tom Segura]

We come in, I'm barefoot right now.

[Christina P]

You're barefoot right now. Dude, you make me want to take my shoes and socks off. And I like that. But I don't like a sandal. I don't like it. I don't think it's. I don't. The last thing I want to see is your toes moving.

[Tom Segura]

So when you go to. So when you and your wife go on vacation, you go to the beach, do you put on socks and sneakers?

[Christina P]

She's Puerto Rican, so she wants to go to the beach a lot. And I will, I refuse. Yeah, I have sneakers on. And I'll take the socks off usually. And I'll just go, I'll fucking, I'll, I'll put on slip On Skechers like my dad. I'll put on water shoes. The last thing you'd see is my feet. Dude, I hate my. It's just gross.

[Tom Segura]

For real.

[Christina P]

It's just. Well, it's just like. I'd almost rather. I'd rather. Literally, for me, it's. If you were like, what's gayer? For real, what's gayer? A man's foot on your. A man's foot on your face or his balls on your nose? I would say his foot on my face because the balls on the nose is like, that's just high school. Getting tea bag, shout out Coach Curran.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, but. But camp in 1987.

[Christina P]

Yeah, yeah, but. But the. The sandals. I think it's just. So you're from Florida, guy. So it's different. In New York, nobody would be wearing jeans and sandals.

[Tom Segura]

When I first moved to New York, I wore a pair of Kino flip flops.

[Christina P]

Sure.

[Tom Segura]

Kino are like. Is like the Florida flip flop. You get them in Key west, they're made out of tires by Cuban women. They cost like $10 and they last forever. And I wore Kino flip flops everywhere. And my toenails were painted.

[Christina P]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

And we're talking 1999.

[Christina P]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

And I would go on stage and Puerto Rican dudes would just be like, what the fuck?

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I remember there was a Dominican guy that told me I need to put socks on.

[Christina P]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

He's like, you need socks on this?

[Christina P]

Well, the Dominicans do that. That's the difference. When you're a kid, you learn. Puerto Ricans will wear sandals with just barefoot. And Dominicans throw a sock on and put on a sandal. So I go. If anything, I lean towards Dominican even though my family's Puerto Rican. But I do have. If I'm going to put on sandals Dominican style.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah. Do you. Are your kids more Puerto Rican or more Italian?

[Christina P]

More Puerto Rican. They're the most Puerto Rican.

[Tom Segura]

They look Puerto Rican.

[Christina P]

They look. Now my daughters are starting to look real fucking Puerto Rican.

[Tom Segura]

For real.

[Christina P]

Like, real deal Puerto Rican, dude. My nine year old is fucking. She has a tattoo on her tit. And so there's Real Deal, bro.

[Tom Segura]

That clip we did a long time ago.

[Christina P]

Oh, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And we were talking about. You were. You were like, I'm just. I think you got emotional. I did. I started crying and then I started crying and that was like the. I think that was the first out of many times I started crying.

[Christina P]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

That was like my first where I was like. Because I got. I was like, I Was. I never would cry because I was like, people are gonna think you're weak. And then I got such positive feedback from that one clip. Yeah. Like, that's, you know, that's how I met Izzy. Israel Adesanya.

[Christina P]

Oh, really?

[Tom Segura]

Is. He DM'd me about that clip. He goes, dude, this is powerful shit.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You and him having this conversation's strong, man.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Can't wait. I can't wait till you come to New Zealand. I want to see your stand up. And I was like, okay. But that has. How has that been?

[Christina P]

Like, that clip with.

[Tom Segura]

No. With working and being around for your kids.

[Christina P]

So. So what it's been now is I now, like, I just have a rule. I only go away two weekends a month max. Or sometimes one. If I. If I can make enough money to justify one, it's just one. So I'm just like. I just. For me. But everybody's different for me. I'm just like, the guy. Like, I don't want to be. First of all, I get very uncomfortable leaving the original 13 colonies to begin with. I'm an original 13 guy. I'm big on the founding fathers. I believe in their version of America, which is the fucking original 13. Puppy doesn't include Florida.

[Tom Segura]

You can make a lot of money in just those 13.

[Christina P]

Well, that's what I'm trying to do. I want Chrissy. I want to go back on just the original 13 Colony tour. And I like. I don't. I like Chris. Yeah, dude. Chrissy the fucking patriot. And so. And so I. Sons of Liberty, Chrissy. So I. I like coming out to California and all these places. I really do. But I just want to be close to my family. It's just how I am. Like, well, comedy, for me, I love doing it. I really do. But I didn't ever. I was never the guy that, like, knew the history of comedy. I didn't watch any comedy movies. I didn't know. I just started doing it as a goof. I was a physical therapist. I fucking did an open mic at the Maui Taco, but I was a physical therapist, like, fully. That was my life. And then I just liked it. And then very quickly got on mtv, and then shit just started going, going, going. And now it's become, like, the whole career. And I'm just, like, been lately questioning, like, is this actually what I want to do, though? I don't know if I think it is, but I'm like, I don't know, because, like, I see guys that fucking love it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

And I'm Just like, I don't know. I don't know that I do. I love it. I like having fun. I'm having fun with you right now. But do I love it? I don't know. I've never been. I don't know. Like, I'm very, very, very, very, very comfortable being in third place. Like, I have. I'm Burt. When I mean zero. I'm talking about fucking zero out of 100 on the Yuka app. Desire to be the best ever. I couldn't fucking care less, dude. I don't want to be the best. That would suck.

[Tom Segura]

I was. I felt. I felt the same way you did for a very long time.

[Christina P]

Yeah, but look at how big you are.

[Tom Segura]

No, but. No, but I think what happened with me is I. You get this. I mean, this is exactly what happens, is you take on a responsibility like a movie where you're the star of it, or a TV show or a tour, or you create a tour or you do an arena tour where you. You had no in. That was never my in. My goal was never to try to be like. Like a. You know, I want to be the man. I remember Schultz came on my podcast, and when I backed it out of my house or my old, old house, and I was like, so, what's the goal? And he was like, to be the goat. And I was like, what? And he was like, I'm coming after Chappelle, and I'm coming after Bill Burr. And I was like, I remember hearing that going like, I just hope they think I'm funny.

[Christina P]

Yeah. Yeah. I don't have that in me at all.

[Tom Segura]

I don't need it. But what happens is you start doing bigger things, and then all of a sudden, you have to. It gets out of control. It gets totally out of control. And you have 15 people working for you, and you've got a vodka company and a 5K and a summer festival and a cruise and an arena tour and a movie and a TV show and another movie and three movies in development. You're writing another movie with another guy, and then you're like, wait, I don't know. What did I get into this for? It's almost like you, like, what were we talking about?

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And you're just a little lost. And I think it's cool that, like, you and Stavi are the two people that I look at where you guys completely have no issue stepping back and getting off the merry go round.

[Christina P]

I have two very, very, very specific goals, and I've had them from the beginning. 1 the first goal was to have a sitcom about my father, like, on the air, my family. So that's in development right now. So God willing, it goes. But that's like a goal that I'm. If this one doesn't work, I'll try again because it's very specific. And then the second was to. Is to headline Madison Square Garden because I'm from New York and I'm doing that September 11th, 2025.

[Tom Segura]

I'm doing the garden on September 11th.

[Christina P]

Yeah. Isn't that wild, dude? Pre sale codes. Hamas. And they wouldn't let me.

[Tom Segura]

That's so good. Yeah, that's. So you're doing. Look at that Fucking Garden.

[Christina P]

Garden. For real, for real.

[Tom Segura]

September.

[Christina P]

For real, for real. Yes. Ron Funch commented. Nice. Thank you, Ronnie. Appreciate that. And shout out Ron Funch and Ron Funches And. And. But yeah, I'm doing that. So this is. This is what I. So for me. And it's not about being the goat, which I respect. Schultz doesn't.

[Tom Segura]

Hold on. You realize that if you headline Madison Square Garden, you're putting your name in the hat.

[Christina P]

That's what I mean. So on it. But that's the thing for me is that I couldn't, like, here's. You wanted to know my career for real.

[Tom Segura]

For real.

[Christina P]

I'm doing Madison Square Garden headlining the arena September 11, 2025. September 19, your boy's doing the Milwaukee Improv. And I'm not going to sell it out. And that's just what it is.

[Tom Segura]

And so.

[Christina P]

But in New York, which I've only ever cared about, you know, I just.

[Tom Segura]

You are such a New York comic.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You give two fucks about the rest of the country.

[Christina P]

I care. I mean, shout out Milwaukee. Shout out Jeffrey Dahmer. But I literally, I literally. My goal has been so I've worked up the chain. You know, you do the venues, Town hall, then the Beacon, then Radio City, then the theater at msg. And now they put me on the big one. And this is, to me, like, how, like, making it like the goat. That's what it is to me. For me, it's not about the other stuff. It's. I just want to be big in New York. And so that's my. That's my goal. And, you know, the tickets are the tickets. You know, we're on sale right now, Christy. Comedy.com. so come see me. September 11, 2025. I have, you know, the September 11 story that I've told. That's like my many, many, many machine kind of. It's like the thing that I. I'm known for, I'm gonna tell that at the end. And then I got. I got special guests coming out and. And. And we just thought, you know, we were gonna do this anyway, but I was like, I want to give. I was gonna give, like, money till I was gonna give, like, money to, like, a 911 foundation. But now what I want to do is I want to just give, like, 500 tickets to, like, first responders.

[Tom Segura]

That's a better move.

[Christina P]

So we're going to just do that as opposed to a foundation, because I don't know where the money's going.

[Tom Segura]

Gets lost in the fucking.

[Christina P]

I want the first responders. I want the first responders there. So everyone. My class, like, dude, my, like, Montreal just for laughs class was fucking nuts. It was like, Hassan Minaj, Michael Che, Sam Morrow, Mark Normand, fucking Brooks Wheeling. There's, like, somebody. There's other people that I'm like, forgetting that are like. It was like one of those Montreal class. I was like, holy shit balls.

[Tom Segura]

Famous.

[Christina P]

Oh, yeah, dude. Shane Schultze, they know, like, they know everyone. Like, I was at the Laker game with Schultze. We were sitting next to each other and it was great. And, you know, just get recognized, you know, obviously by everyone. But then, you know, like, the coach of The Lakers is JJ Redick. And like, they're walking by and like, JJ's like, oh, what up, Schultz? And it's just like, oh, you're just like, friend. Like, you just know people.

[Tom Segura]

I'm still not that. Like, I. And I. Not even. I'm not saying that I'm not like that, but I just. I'm always shocked if a celebrity knows me.

[Christina P]

Sure.

[Tom Segura]

Like, how many times I've said to people, you know my name, right? And they're like, yeah. And I'm like, shut the up. Yeah.

[Christina P]

Yeah, I know. It's. It's a weird. It's a weird thing. I mean. But. Yeah, I mean, you. But I guess because you can't see you from the outside.

[Tom Segura]

I can't. I can see you. I would assume that they couldn't see them from the outside.

[Christina P]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

Like, I, like, I'm always shocked that Shane is as comfortable with his fame as he is. I remember when he wasn't famous.

[Christina P]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

I remember. What's crazy is I remember trying to introduce him to Diplo and he was like, no, no, no, no, no, no. Just don't. Just don't. He was so uncomfortable. I remember trying to introduce him to Guy Fieri, and he was like, I'm Good. I'm good. I'm just gonna stay in the back. And I was like, okay. That's Shane.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Last week, I see a picture with him, Guy Fieri and Diplo.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And I was like, just hanging out. Yeah. And he's like, totally casual.

[Christina P]

Sure. Because, you know. But he's remained who he is. Which. That's what I love about it. You want to talk about penises? You ever seen Diplo's dick?

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Christina P]

Pull it up.

[Tom Segura]

Are you serious?

[Christina P]

I mean, you want to talk about a fucking pocket rocket?

[Tom Segura]

Really? Whoa. Diplo's penis.

[Christina P]

Whoa, whoa.

[Tom Segura]

We.

[Christina P]

Wah. No, but there's no but. There's pictures of his beef.

[Tom Segura]

You gotta take your fucking safety off.

[Christina P]

Yeah, take the safety off.

[Tom Segura]

Filters. Filters.

[Christina P]

There's his. His actual hard penis. His actual hard penis. Somebody. I used to have it. I used to try to pass it along as dick pics. For me. No.

[Tom Segura]

Whoa. What?

[Christina P]

No, this isn't it. Is that it on the upper left maybe?

[Tom Segura]

Is that it?

[Christina P]

Who's that?

[Tom Segura]

Orlando Bloom who takes it after they took a piss?

[Christina P]

Yeah. I don't know. I. No, that's not it.

[Tom Segura]

A lot of dick.

[Christina P]

Oh, no, it's. Damn it. I wish. I don't have it in my phone anymore. Goddamn Jasmine started deleting it all the UK. It should be on the UK. The. His page. Dick's 100 out of 100. No ads.

[Tom Segura]

Got a big dick, huh?

[Christina P]

Diplo's got a nice piece now. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

He fucks a lot. I bet.

[Christina P]

I don't know if he's in a relationship or what he's doing.

[Tom Segura]

No, that's the one. That's the kind of guy that is, like, afraid of commitment.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Once you get to like. What is he. He's got to be like, 45. Right? Right, 40. He's got. He's been around for a while, and he has the kind of life where every night it's a show, then a private jet, then a show, then a private jet. And I mean, I just. I guess he, like, pencils in pussy here and there.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

That's a guy who's like, why would I get rid of this, right? To, like, move outside the city in the suburbs, Right.

[Christina P]

Because you could. Because, like, kid ofici kill himself over it.

[Tom Segura]

I just found out who that guy was.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I never knew who Vici was. And I saw it on my. My name's Bill or something, is the documentary on Netflix. And I start watching it and I'm like, oh, this kid's cool. And then I start recognizing songs I was like, I know this song. Big song. And, like, both my daughters walked in and they're like, oh, my God, he killed himself. And I was like, wait, I'm not at the end yet, you assholes.

[Christina P]

Yeah, yeah, he fucking. He killed himself because of this lifestyle.

[Tom Segura]

Do you think the lifestyle would have ever caught up with you? Do you think that you spending time with your family the way you do grounds you?

[Christina P]

And then, yeah, after the night time, you get chlamydia. You're like, you know what? I don't need to walk this off anymore. Why don't we just retire the good old dick and balls? And then now at least I know when it paint, when it's. When I have a little pain during urination. I said, it's not an std. It could be cancer. But that's better.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

At least it's just a fucking prostate cancer, you know, because I. You know that. And I also just felt like. I kind of felt like there's no way I'm gonna be able to even make it through this career unless I have some type. Like, you have your rock in the ocean, Leanne.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Right. So, like, I. That's. That's what I have. I have. I have my empanada. I have my empanada in the fryer.

[Tom Segura]

Jasmine, you have your bodega.

[Christina P]

I have my bodega. Bodega. Because she's, you know, my little plantano. Because she, you know, and it's just nice to come home and be like, you know, have someone who's. Who's take like. Like, we feel like. We feel like, like a good unit now. I take care of the. The career stuff and our family.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

You know, and our family has what they want. And then she takes care of the kids and the house and the home, and then it all works together, and it's, like, symbiotic, you know?

[Tom Segura]

The best is when you feel like a team.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

When you look and you go, this is my team.

[Christina P]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

These are my guys. This is my starting lineup.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And this is. And we've got each other's backs.

[Christina P]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, it's the best.

[Christina P]

It's amazing. Yeah. I do feel like I have a basketball. I do feel like we're like a basketball team. And two of my children are black, but I am their father.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

Is that hers from the other one?

[Christina P]

No, they're my kids, but they're just turned. They came at. Two of them came out black.

[Tom Segura]

No, but.

[Christina P]

And we did the. We did the DNA test, and it's Not. It's pending.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina P]

But they are my children. Yeah, Tanisha. Tanisha and tariff.

[Tom Segura]

God.

[Christina P]

But yeah, you know, I, I, because, you know, the thing is for me is I, you know, we have our three kids, have stepson and our two, two biological daughters. And, and they, you know, a lot of people get married and have kids, but we had kids and then got married. So it's kind of cool for us because we're like, oh, our kids now will have memories of like our wedding, of when we propose. Like, my kids were involved in it all. So I kind of. There is like a little silver lining of that. You know, a part of me is like, I wish I would have just fucking done this years ago.

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Christina P]

So I wouldn't like, you know, short sell my house in Staten island.

[Tom Segura]

The thing.

[Christina P]

That's what I did because I thought I wanted, I was like, oh man, we're not going to work out. So I was like, let's sell our fucking beautiful home with a 2.8% interest rate. But it's really just because I wasn't, I was scared to commit to anything. And now I'm fudgeing out there, fudgeing dick in the wind with mortgage rates at 7%, 20% sold in the presale.

[Tom Segura]

Do you roll? Do you run all your money?

[Christina P]

Huh?

[Tom Segura]

Do you run all your money? So do you. Are you good with money?

[Christina P]

I, I'm, I'm more responsible with money now than I've ever been. I have an accountant, of course, that I talk to. Like, I talk to my accountant every day. Really, Because I want to have a relationship with him where I'm like, what are we investing and what are we doing? Because that is my, I feel that's my responsibility. Like, we have a little bit of an old school relationship in the sense of like, I do the money, the finance, I bring home the, the bacon. And then she.

[Tom Segura]

So do you have like a login to your bank account?

[Christina P]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

And you can check your money right now, all day.

[Christina P]

I got, and I got it diversified. We got some, you know, we got in some invested. We got some in the, in the cash account. We got some in the kids 529. We got some in bitcoin.

[Tom Segura]

Do you have some in crypto, baby?

[Christina P]

Woo. Chrissy. Crypto. I grabbed those coins like Mario, for real? Yeah. Yes. Yeah, dude. I bought coin, I bought a couple of biddies low, but I bought a couple of bitties in 2021, son. For real now? Yes. So nothing's appreciated like that. Like the bit. I don't go crazy with it. I got a friend who has 100 of his money in bitcoin.

[Tom Segura]

Who's. Who signed the contract where they wanted their. Their signing bonus.

[Christina P]

An NFL player. I don't know who it is, but his. His. He has to have the most money in the NFL.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Because. Because of how just much it's went up, he has to.

[Tom Segura]

Now.

[Christina P]

I don't understand it all, but I don't need to understand it.

[Tom Segura]

So you ready for this? So when we did the first sober October. So it was before that. So before Odell Beckham took his 2021 salary in Bitcoin.

[Christina P]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

$700,000 in Bitcoin. What has he got now?

[Christina P]

Wait, What? He bought 750 grand of Bitcoin?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Yo. Holy shmoly. What is his bitcoin worth now? What is Odell's bitcoin worth now? Right there. Oh, I'm sorry. Would be worth about what? How is that. No, it's got to be worth more than that. Only from 750.

[Tom Segura]

Well, it's. I think you. I think. I don't know when you had to buy. That's 2023.

[Christina P]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

So it's been kind of fluctuating, Right? That's true. In. In. This is my biggest regret. I didn't have money then, so I couldn't have done this. But I was doing Rogan's podcast, and I think Red Band was still doing the boards before Jamie.

[Christina P]

Mm. Oh, wow.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina P]

This is back in the day.

[Tom Segura]

I remember in this episode, Red Band said. I said I didn't believe that women could squirt. And Red Band said, I could make your wife squirt. And Joe got snapped at him. I mean, he was like, hey, that's fucking inappropriate.

[Christina P]

Yeah, you can't do that.

[Tom Segura]

I just remember that moment.

[Christina P]

She's a rock in the ocean.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And Brian bought up bitcoin, and Joe casually said we should just each buy $3,000 worth of Bitcoin. Had we done that? I think I did the evaluation. It was like 2006, right when Bitcoin came out.

[Christina P]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

Like, right when I was like, 2016, 2017. It would. See what Bitcoin, if you had 3,000 in now, would be. So.

[Christina P]

So what was it? What was the cost of one Bitcoin in 2016? Yeah. One BTC Bitcoin. BTC, baby. 963 bucks was on Bitcoin.

[Tom Segura]

So if I bought $3,000, I would have had 3,000. So I would have had like five. Five Bitcoins.

[Christina P]

You would have had. No, no, no. You would have had 3,000 Bitcoin. They were basically 963. So you'd have had like a little under 3,000 Bitcoin, right?

[Tom Segura]

No, no, no.

[Christina P]

You were saying, you're saying you would have taken. Huh.

[Tom Segura]

I'd have three bitcoins.

[Christina P]

Only spending $3,000.

[Tom Segura]

I was only spending 3,000.

[Christina P]

3,000. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[Tom Segura]

Then how much would three bitcoin be today?

[Christina P]

$300,000. So it's. It's good investment.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that would have been a good investment.

[Christina P]

But the people who make the real, real money is when bitcoin was like 22 cents and they bought like, you know, they put like 10 grand in it. That's when it's nuts.

[Tom Segura]

It's just crazy. I. I was, I didn't understand bitcoin. Can you explain bitcoin to someone who doesn't understand it? Can you explain the concept of dogecoin? Bitcoin? Huck to a coin. What was your take on Hawk to a coin? Should they have put her to death?

[Christina P]

Yes. No. Well, no, no, no, no, no. Yes. See the meme coins and stuff? I don't know and I don't really. I don't. I don't fucks with that.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

I just stay standard Bitcoin. And for me, the thing with bitcoin is. Yes. I can't explain it. I really can. I don't know how to. It is some Japanese guy. I have no.

[Tom Segura]

I don't understand mining for bitcoin.

[Christina P]

Anything from the brain of an Asian is too complex for me.

[Tom Segura]

I watch anime.

[Christina P]

I dude, the brain of an Asian. I don't know what it is.

[Tom Segura]

When they lost this one, Asians lost me. Me tentacle porn.

[Christina P]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

And I was like, okay. It turns me on and I don't know why. And I know it's not real. And now I'm turned on. You're done. I'm done.

[Christina P]

I can't do it. Right.

[Tom Segura]

I'm done. So.

[Christina P]

So anything that comes from that, that. That's a beautiful brain. Like Elon Musk probably has an Asian brain. I would imagine his brain is. Is, is Asian.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, can you believe he's from South Africa?

[Christina P]

Right?

[Tom Segura]

And I. Have you met South Africans? No, they're not all like that. I believe they're like the rednecks of Africa.

[Christina P]

Right? And it says, fucker, he's coming out is good. And so my thing is like, yes. I can't explain bitcoin. And I don't know how it Fluctuates or whatever. But I also really can't explain inflation and why the Federal Reserve decides to do what they do either. So in a way, it's like, you can show me all this trigonometry, but it's like, at the end of the day, it's just somebody saying, rates are up because they're up and they're down because they're down. And it fluctuates like that. So that's the same as Bitcoin. So for me, just because you can't explain it, it's like, if I kept asking you questions about US Money, eventually be like, I don't. I don't know.

[Tom Segura]

I can explain it to you. Yeah, I can explain it to you.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You ready?

[Christina P]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

And you like this. This is a history, by the way. You're. I'm not like you. I can't recite the exact history. I can just tell you kind of what it was about, right?

[Christina P]

Yeah. I'm like, autistic with history. Like, you start asking because I'm like, 1776, 1777.

[Tom Segura]

Do you really.

[Christina P]

I started to go like that. Like.

[Tom Segura]

So the first battle of American currency was introduced in, like, 1800s.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

They were using coins because you could feel them in your hand, right? You could hold them, and they were the value of that gold coin. You knew that was the value of the thing. So they're like, yo, we got to take over Canada, right? And they're like, we need, like, 3, 000 soldiers, but we don't have any money to give you guys, so don't. We're not going to go back to Mesopotamia. Well, maybe it was. It was maybe 1775, right? But anyway, so this is the story. So they said, let's just make paper currency, okay? And we'll just say, yo, we'll give you this, and we're going to take over this town. We're going to get all their fucking shit, and we get all their shit. You give me this, and I'll give you that much in that and their shit. Yeah, right? And so everyone's like, okay. So they gave everyone fucking $3000 in or $300 in paper currency. They went in, took over the fucking city. They won. Had they not won, it wouldn't have worked, right? But they won. And then everyone went, you know, here's my thing. Can I get my stuff back? And the guys are like, yeah. And a lot of guys are like, I'll just hold on to this. And then when they were like, yo, this is easier Than this. Sure. So they're like, yo, I'll take these and let's just use these for now on. But they said it, the guy said, when he said it, it only works if we all believe in it. So we. No one can say no. Everyone's got to believe in it.

[Christina P]

Right?

[Tom Segura]

And that's the shit with bitcoin. Yeah, everyone's got to believe in it.

[Christina P]

So it's real though.

[Tom Segura]

But as soon as everyone believes in it, it's good.

[Christina P]

Once JP Morgan and all them are investing hundreds of millions of dollars, like, it's. Stop.

[Tom Segura]

If you.

[Christina P]

It's not going anywhere. I'm not, I'm not a big, you know, proponent. I don't get. I can't understand. I'm not telling you put your money in, but you can't actually ignore it anymore. I put a small percentage of the, my portfolio in that and I just, it grows. And my thing is I'm comfortable if, if it did go to zero. It's, it's, it's, it's a risk. It's a high volatile risk thing that I, that I have. But yeah, I don't, I, I can't explain, dude, I can't explain anything to you.

[Tom Segura]

It's like, you know, I can't explain anything. I was telling this to Peter. We were, we were looking at some show on Netflix and the guys had a Honus Swagner rookie card.

[Christina P]

Sick.

[Tom Segura]

And you know who's hall of Famer? Yes. And Pete. And my assistant Pete's like, I would never pay that much money for that. And I was like, yeah, but you gotta understand, it's worth it. He's like, not to me. And I went, that's bitcoin.

[Christina P]

That's bitcoin.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, we just believe it.

[Christina P]

The baseball card right there, the Honus Wagner. The baseball cards are many bitcoins, by the way. Honus Wagner. I mean, what the face of a Nazi? I mean, that is. You want to talk about Nazi head? If this kid, he would have been hitting the home runs, except the balls were Jews.

[Tom Segura]

We watched, we watched Inglourious Basterds on tour in Europe with our tour manager, who's German.

[Christina P]

The best.

[Tom Segura]

That was really fun.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

To watch him go. Yeah. Those are some bad guys.

[Christina P]

Bad guys.

[Tom Segura]

This is. Oh, this is so horrible. Knowing full well those are his grandparents. And we're like, Ben, man, this is crazy.

[Christina P]

I was on, I was, I did bad friends yesterday. I was talking about Madison Square Garden, and then we pulled up how the Nazis sold out Madison Square Garden in 1938. Do you know about that?

[Tom Segura]

Everyone does. After Tony Hinchcliffe set, everyone does.

[Christina P]

But we were just thinking, like, how funny it was. Like, you know, like the, like the MC was like. And now. Welcome to manual. Hitter till hit.

[Tom Segura]

Coming out, I heard someone pissing and moaning that Hitler's Heil Hitler wasn't even like a full. How Hitler was like a phoned in one, like.

[Christina P]

Yeah, well, you know, they were on meth. You know, like Panzer chocolate. Like, chocolate. Like that, that thing. And, you know, it's a lot. You know, it's one thing people don't know a lot. When I, you know, I again, love the history. I love World War II and Colonial America. A lot of these German soldiers, these Nazis, you know, there were definitely the SS and the bad ones. 1000% like pieces of shit, garbage people.

[Tom Segura]

A lot of them are good guys.

[Christina P]

Well, foma. Yeah. No, not those guys.

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Christina P]

All those guys were scum. But some of the Nazi army, the German army, they had no choice. They were like, either you join the army right now or we kill you.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah.

[Christina P]

And so they weren't working the concentration camps. They weren't. They weren't even. Maybe they. Some of them were not anti Semitic at all. They were like, we don't want to do this. But then they gave them like this, you know, like crystal meth, basically, because they would even give it to the soldiers. They would definitely give it to the SS guards. Then they give it to the army. And then, you know, the war ends. The drugs start to go out of your system. You start to have these mental health crisis. They would suicide through the roof. And when they went back to Germany or whatever country they had to join the Nazis from, they were hated and they would be murdered. So it was like, there's a. There's a period of like 10 years after the World War II. Like, it's really bad for, like, quote unquote, innocent German people. Yeah, that's when my family came here.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, for real?

[Christina P]

Yeah. Because I most. No, most of my ancestry is German.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Christina P]

To the point where I'm not even sure because I did the ancestry.com and it said 98% German. So I'm like, was DiStefano a cover name? I don't know if it was a cover.

[Tom Segura]

Could you guys have lived in the Alps?

[Christina P]

Well, here's the thing. When I was a little kid, When I was a little kid, this is true. When I grew up in Ridgewood, Queens, which is a historically German neighborhood. Okay. But I, I. When I was A little kid people, the older people, older German people were still living there. They've died off now, but they would come up to me if I was like 7 years old, walk in a store, and they'd be like, heide, schweide, Heide. You know, like. And I'd be like, I don't know, German. But they thought I was German because my hair. I look like a little fucking German. And then there was a.

[Tom Segura]

You do kind of look German.

[Christina P]

There was a guy who. My grandpa. My grandpa is American. Fought with the Americans in World War II. My grandpa would always have coffee with our neighbor across the street. Great guy, whatever. And he would say, they're war buddies. And then he died. My grandpa died, and then his name was Charles. And I remember asking my mom, like, years later, remember, Charles, Grandpa, you know, Pops? And we used to call my grandpa Pops, Pops and Charles, whatever. And he's like, yes, like. And what a beautiful story of those two, huh? You know? And I was like, yeah, I mean, it's great. War buddies. Did they fight in, like, the same platoon? She was like, what do you mean? I was like, like, what do you mean? Like, beautiful story. Like, they met at the war, right? And she was like, kind of. And I was like, what do you mean? Where did they meet? And she was like, honey, Charles was a Nazi. And I was like, what? She was like, yeah, he. He came here. He fought with the German army, and he just lived here. And I was like, oh, I didn't know that.

[Tom Segura]

It's like a totally different story.

[Christina P]

I didn't know that. That's why I would always slap knishes out of my hand. Because the German. Because, like, ss. Like, there's a documentary, the Devil Next Door. This SS guard. So, like, those guys, the government still will hunt them down and arrest them, but if you were just like, a German soldier that was just, like, forced to fight in the army, which I guess this guy Charles was. It was like, you just fought in the other side and it was okay, I guess.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

But it's interesting.

[Tom Segura]

My favorite Nazi story is Alex Eichmann. Where they got him from. They extracted him. Is it Eichmann? It's Eichmann. I know, but I don't know if it's Alex Eichmann. Just hit enter. It'll come up. They pulled him out of Brazil. Adolf Eichmann.

[Christina P]

Adolf Eichmann. A little different, Alex. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And they brought him to Israel. And they were. Because. And a lot of people in Israel didn't believe in the Holocaust. A lot of Israelis didn't believe it because they're like, so hold on. They killed everyone, but you guys are still here, Right? Tell me, how bad was it if you made it out? Right? And then when they took him and they held him on trial in Israel, he is the reason that people started believing the Holocaust, because he told the stories of, yeah, this is what we did. This is what we did. And he was saying, I was just a guy. I was doing my job. I was doing my job. And you're like, wow. My grandfather was in World War II. He went in and cleared out Nazi death camps or whatever.

[Christina P]

Concentration camps.

[Tom Segura]

Concentration camps. And saw his relatives, his cousins. Wow. As Nazis. And was like, whoa. He's like, that would have been me.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

It's crazy. Crazy. Do you think. Because I'm into a lot of history as well. Do you think when you listen to these stories of Americans getting drafted or in Vietnam or Korea or World War II or World War I seems to be the fucking worst, in my opinion.

[Christina P]

That was wild.

[Tom Segura]

Do you think that you could have done that? Could have given up your free will and listened to a man going, all right, I want everyone out of this foxhole, and everyone charged the berm.

[Christina P]

I'm gonna say no. I'm gonna say no. I mean, all.

[Tom Segura]

I couldn't at all.

[Christina P]

9, 11 happened, and a lot of kids in my high school joined the Army. It was a lot of patriotism back then. And I literally was online looking at ways to get excluded from the army, and I swear to God, one of them was, if you have psoriatic arthritis, which I was able to mentally convince myself I had and be able to prove in a court of law that I did have to avoid going to the Army. So I literally was able. So I'm gonna say that. I'm gonna give you. The answer is no. I think if, you know, like, when you watch, like, movies about, like, colonial America.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

I think I'd be the drummer in the back. I'd be that guy. The drummer holding the flags, and just get a cannonball to the head immediately.

[Tom Segura]

I bet I could have been. I bet I could have focused in med school.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

To become a medic.

[Christina P]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

I could have been like, no, I can apply myself.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

As a matter of fact, I don't mind reading. Yeah, I like reading.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I don't want to go to the fucking. I could not. I've been in the military. When you hear those stories.

[Christina P]

No way, dude. I couldn't do it.

[Tom Segura]

Now. Here's one. This one is My favorite little bit of history.

[Christina P]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

We went to Serbia to shoot the Machine. Sure. Streaming on Netflix.

[Christina P]

Shout it out.

[Tom Segura]

And we saw a statue of Gabriella Pritzp.

[Christina P]

Okay, I'm not familiar.

[Tom Segura]

Gabriel Pritzip is. Type of man he is.

[Christina P]

Spell it correctly, too. Don't fuck around.

[Tom Segura]

I think good luck. He is Gavriel. Gavrielo Pritsip. He shot the Franz Ferdinand, Archduke Franz Ferdinand to start World War I. World War I. Yep. This one man affected history bigger than anyone ever. And here's my connection.

[Christina P]

I mean, by the way, just real quick, just look at this guy. This guy looks like he's in his mid-60s. He died at 24.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. He died in prison at 24 in Chechnya, I think. Or in. I don't know, maybe in Croatia. But anyway, he is the biggest hero in Serbia. He is a hero because this man created Yugoslavia. Basically. What he did is he stood up. He was part of the Young Turks, I think. Yeah, he started that. Now, here's what's crazy. So when they shot that CEO.

[Christina P]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

Same energy, right. That people look at that kid as a hero. And he. It reminds me of this Gabriella Princip, Right. Of like, this one gunshot changes the world.

[Christina P]

This is the Luigi Manzioni of Serbia.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

I mean, listen, here's the thing with the CEO. I don't like it. I don't like a murder in the street at all. But I. I mean, you know as well as anybody, I mean, this healthcare industry, I mean, it's piggish, dude. It's piggish, dude.

[Tom Segura]

I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what. I'm not. I'm. I've come outside, I've said out loud. I hate that people are celebrating this guy's murdering of a person. No good. It's horrible. He has family, his children. He's a human being. I'll tell you one thing is shine a light on how bad the health care system is.

[Christina P]

Hell, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, if, like, if, like, imagine. I don't know. I don't. I feel like I'm talking shit. But imagine sacrificing your own life to change a system. That's what this guy did.

[Christina P]

That's what this guy did.

[Tom Segura]

And that's what that guy did. I don't. I'm not that guy.

[Christina P]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

But it's crazy that that's a thing.

[Christina P]

I know. I'd like to give Luigi Manzioni a fucking colonoscopy. I mean, what a hottie with a body. That guy's A hundred out of a hundred on the Yuka app.

[Tom Segura]

I understand an ugly guy killing people, but a good looking guy. What are you killing people for? Dude, seriously, like Ted Bunny. He could have just fucked him.

[Christina P]

Gorgeous, gorgeous man. John Wayne Gacy. I get it. Just get out here.

[Tom Segura]

Totally get it.

[Christina P]

I mean, look at this kid, Jeffrey Dahmer.

[Tom Segura]

Understood. Yeah, understood.

[Christina P]

Look it. I mean, you know, he's just. He's got those lips. Just give him a little kiss. Yeah, I don't. Yeah. I don't know. I just went to. I just went to Florence, Italy for the first time. You ever go.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

You went a number of times to Florence specifically?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

What do you go there for? Just to hang out, to work.

[Tom Segura]

I always went there to work.

[Christina P]

What do you mean? What were you doing?

[Tom Segura]

I worked on Travel Channel. Oh, yeah. I was just there recently with my. With Leanne and the girls. Yeah, we took them.

[Christina P]

How many times have you been back and forth to Italy?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, oh, I had one month where. It was three. I had one month where I went to Italy three times.

[Christina P]

From the United States, LA to Italy.

[Tom Segura]

Back and forth three times.

[Christina P]

For the show?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, for the show. For.

[Christina P]

Mostly it's for work.

[Tom Segura]

I went to Italy. I've been to Italy probably 12 times.

[Christina P]

Wow. And you always go to Florence every time.

[Tom Segura]

Well, you gotta go Florence. Rome and Venice are the places to go.

[Christina P]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

But I've also been. I've been down to Barry, down to the very bottom. Been over to Greece, through there. What's crazy to me. What's crazy? I'm like. So I only trap. When I travel, I obsess about the history of that place.

[Christina P]

Sure.

[Tom Segura]

And I get really into the history of that place and I want to know things about that place.

[Christina P]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

And this last trip to Italy, I was obsessed with Mussolini, dude.

[Christina P]

Obsessed.

[Tom Segura]

Mussolini is just. Mussolini is a lot like Nero. Okay, so Nero apparently wasn't. He wasn't that bad of an emperor like he was. He was. He just got a bad rap because the three dudes after him kept fucking up. And so the guy that came, three dudes after Nero was like, yo, in order for myself to look good, I gotta make your ex boyfriend look bad.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So he trashed Nero. He fiddled when Rome burned. Truth is, they hadn't invented the fiddle yet. The fiddle wasn't even around. So that's not a real story. They did the same thing with Mussolini. Mussolini was like, he invented fascism. Like he invented it. His only shortcoming was like he thought he was gonna be best friends with Hitler. He Thought he was gonna be best friends with Stalin. And so when they killed him, they were like, yo, let's trash his memory. Yeah. And so they trashed his memory, and they made all these big gestures that won over a nation. Foolish gestures.

[Christina P]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

Look at him. Like. Yeah, yeah. So I was obsessed with Mussolini.

[Christina P]

It's interesting. Yeah. See, Mussolini is a guy I don't know a lot about. I mean, I know they. They hung his body upside down with.

[Tom Segura]

Piano wire and his mistress next to her, and her dress went over her head. And then the women came in and tucked her dress to respect her.

[Christina P]

Respect.

[Tom Segura]

His wife lived. His mistress got murdered.

[Christina P]

Got murdered. That's what happens. Don't cheat. I. You know, I. I think I. That's very fascinating. Yeah. Because when I went to Florence, it's. It's. It's a. It's a culture I didn't know much about. I mean, for real, the last name, like the.

[Tom Segura]

Stefano.

[Christina P]

Yeah. But I told you, I'm mostly German, so I don't know.

[Tom Segura]

But your dad's. Your dad's straight up.

[Christina P]

No, he is. No. And he told me that his mom was half German, too.

[Tom Segura]

But he's culturally Italian.

[Christina P]

He's culturally Italian. Yeah. But I'm just full of Axis blood. I'm all about the Axis powers, dude. And I have a Japanese penis. And. And so. And so. But. But I loved it because. And I couldn't. I was so amazed by the statues. And, I mean, everyone would just, you know, obviously the flaccid penis and the balls. And I was just like, this is amazing. And then every statue I noticed was, you know, men. And then if there was a woman almost exclusively, every statue of woman, she's being in the statue. And I'm just like, what is the fucking. What is going on with this? And nobody could explain, but I was like, every statue I see in the square, it's like a woman being, like, hurt and just a flaccid cock above her. Do you think Michelangelo, after he was done sculpting David, because you've seen it 17 foot tall.

[Tom Segura]

I've seen David five times.

[Christina P]

So that statue, 17ft tall, he'd have to take three months just on the cock.

[Tom Segura]

I think that David was supposed to stand on top of the Duomo.

[Christina P]

Yes, that's what it was.

[Tom Segura]

And so he made it proportionally so that when you looked at it, it looked proportional from the height at what you saw it from.

[Christina P]

Yes. And everyone talks about the front of David, but, you know, you've been there. When you walk around the back of David. I mean, this man has a wagon. I mean, what an ass. What an ass. If that would have had a tattoo of a butterfly in one of the ass cheeks, I would have fucked it in the Uffizi.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, so wait, you just went to Florence?

[Christina P]

I just went to Florence. I literally went to Florence for three days and came right home. Oh, there. This is my friend, Don Depeta. Do you know Don Burr?

[Tom Segura]

Of course I do.

[Christina P]

Yeah, that's Don.

[Tom Segura]

What's up, buddy? How you doing?

[Christina P]

He's got a fresh haircut. Look at that.

[Tom Segura]

Good.

[Christina P]

He's looking good.

[Tom Segura]

You look totally different.

[Christina P]

Yeah, he lost a little weight.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Fucking mustache looks tight.

[Christina P]

That's it, dude.

[Tom Segura]

The. So you just went to Florence?

[Christina P]

I just went to Florida. We literally. Here's the mistake we made and here's a little psa. I'm sure you know this. You travel so much. We left New York at 4:30pm on the flight and we flew to Paris and then transferred to Florence. Do not take the 4:30pm flight when you're going to Europe, because when you start to get tired at normal times, 10:00pm, 10:30, you're landing in Europe and it's 6:00 in the morning or 5:00 in the morning. And the jet lag, I've never experienced it like that in my life. That. It almost, like, ruined our trip because we couldn't. We were missing dinner reservations. We were missing, you know, museum reservations. You got it. The move is either just sacrifice a day and leave at 8 o'clock in the morning and fly the whole day so your body's in regulation, or take the 10:30pm flight and get there at noon so at least you sleep.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, right.

[Christina P]

Or fly private like Bert.

[Tom Segura]

No, I don't fly private. I've flown private. To Europe. Yes. Yes.

[Christina P]

Dude, you've taken the fucking bus to Europe.

[Tom Segura]

I've taken. No, when we tour Europe, we have a double decker bus. Nice. Next level.

[Christina P]

Hell, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

We just went to Paris, me and Leanne, because she'd never been to Paris. And next week we're going to Spain.

[Christina P]

Well, see, this is the beauty. This one I want to bring up.

[Tom Segura]

Our kids are gone.

[Christina P]

I was going to say you are at the. Here's what I want. I was going to bring this up before. You have a beautiful part. You're at a beautiful part of your life. From the outside looking in right now is because now, if you wanted to, you can live this beautiful life. What you're living, touring, all that. Bring your wife, which you know, because she doesn't have to stay home now with the kids. So she could come. Because you said the kids are out of the house, so they either, A, don't want to be around you anyway because they want to hang out with their friends, or B, if they do want to come, they can come. They're adults. So that's what I. Hopefully. I'm trying to stay alive to get to that point, because right now, it's very difficult for me to go away for so long when I'm missing my little kids. But when they get older, I'm thinking they could either come with me or they won't want to see me anyway. And maybe this burden will be easy, because if you could put yourself. Remember, back to, like, when you were 40, how. When you were 40, how old were your children?

[Tom Segura]

They were probably 8 and 6, I'm guessing.

[Christina P]

Right. So similar to my little kids, you probably had more of a. You. And you weren't. You weren't at this. You weren't at the level yet.

[Tom Segura]

No, I wasn't not. I was not. But I was working for Travel Channel for not a ton of money.

[Christina P]

So you missed them.

[Tom Segura]

I missed them all. I was gone two weeks, and then on my week off, I'd go do stand up.

[Christina P]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

And then I'd be gone for two weeks.

[Christina P]

So is there a part of you now that you're older that regrets that?

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Christina P]

So, see, that's what I'm trying to avoid, because all my peers that came before me has went to as great heights as you had. They always say, I missed. I missed that part. But you now, I think, are at the perfect part, because now your family can experience this with you.

[Tom Segura]

How about this, though? This is the. This is the thing I'll say is. Stand up today is not what stand up was 12 years ago.

[Christina P]

What do you mean that?

[Tom Segura]

We all did clubs. Like, no one did theaters. No one. No one did Madison Square Garden 12 years ago.

[Christina P]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

No one did.

[Christina P]

Unless you're the Nazis.

[Tom Segura]

Joe Rogan, 12 years ago. I'm not even joking. 12 years ago, Joe Rogan was doing the. Wilbur was like, a big deal.

[Christina P]

Sure.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, Joe. And I apologize, Joe, if I'm misspeaking, but, I mean, I just remember that, like, no one was doing theaters. No one was doing arenas. And now we're all. I mean, like, there's a handful of us doing arenas. Sure. I mean, a handful. A lot of comics do arenas.

[Christina P]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

And that just didn't exist. So.

[Christina P]

So what? So what do you think about so how, what are you saying?

[Tom Segura]

I think opportunities now are more bountiful than when I was doing it. Like, if you, like, it was like every comic, every comic did clubs, so every comic did clubs. So you didn't have, like, if you had an offer at a club, you had to take it, right? So like, if you wanted to continue to be a comic for me, then that one week off I had to go do stand up because those, those offers were hard to come by. You got to remember, like every fucking comic, I mean, it's so hard for people to wrap their heads around, but like, there wasn't, there wasn't. The opportunities are out there. Like right now when I hear you go, I only do two weeks a month, I go, that would be fucking incredible. But if I'd only done two weeks a month back then, I would have never got to where I am today, right? And I can tell you the comics who did two weeks a month and they don't do comedy anymore, right?

[Christina P]

Because, because it just wasn't. Because you were, they weren't working, they weren't putting in as many hours.

[Tom Segura]

You had to be fucking hustling. I think comedy was like a lot more of a hustle back then, right, Than it is now because the Internet, like I remember Ali Wong saying, you know, you can take a year off. That is like, I mean, yeah, I remember hearing that and going, no, you're not allowed to. What are you talking about? You got to keep your foot on the gas pedal.

[Christina P]

Right?

[Tom Segura]

And it was, this is the first time I've ever taken off in 25 years into a stand up. I took off starting in July to now and I'm not even sure if I'm going back out on tour in the fall, but I've never.

[Christina P]

Because you're liking the feeling of being off? No, because you're doing other shit.

[Tom Segura]

I don't want it to reset my comedy. I want to reset everything, right? I wanted to start from scratch, but really start from scratch and not have a bunch of material that didn't go in that special. Be the beginning of the next special.

[Christina P]

You ever think like maybe with the reset, instead of taking the shirt off, you take the pants off, you'll Winnie the Pooh.

[Tom Segura]

It's wish I wish.

[Christina P]

That'd be sick, right?

[Tom Segura]

I wish I, like, I, I, I, I don't, I don't know. I'm gonna be litigious with if this comes out wrong. Okay, there's a, there's a couple comics don't wear shorts on stage now. It's a thing, right? And friend of mine texted it to me. A friend of ours texted it to me and said, this is insane. Like, that. This. You're the first person to ever take his shirt off. And now these people are taking their shirt off. Like, But I didn't read his text. I saw a dude with his shirt off, right? And I clicked it and I go, the is this guy doing?

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I was like, oh, my God. How many people do you think see me shirtless and go, what the fuck is this guy doing? I just did it to him. Fucking fool with his fucking shirt off.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God. Like, what?

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And then I was like, wait, is there a world where I start wearing a shirt on stage? Yeah, but here's the deal. I am more comfortable shirtless, so gotta.

[Christina P]

Go with your comfy one.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I'm like. I just. I'm. I am doing who I am. Authentically.

[Christina P]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

But then when you see people mimic it, there's a part of you that's like, I don't know.

[Christina P]

Well, the thing is, you want to make it. You wouldn't make it to the level you made it if you were inauthentic. So that's the thing. It's all authenticity.

[Tom Segura]

My authenticity was so direct and honest that, I mean, I made a choice to be shirtless on my Showtime special, right? It was a Showtime special. And they said, you're giving them a reason to change the channel, this one. Changing the channel was a thing.

[Christina P]

Showtime said that to you?

[Tom Segura]

And look at them now. She said, legit. Can we do one with your shirt on and one with your shirt off? I said, no, you can't cut in between. And they go, I think this is a big mistake. And it was. It was the lowest rated special they've ever put out. Everyone changed channel the second my shirt came off. They said the ratings dropped, right? Everyone turned it off.

[Christina P]

Okay?

[Tom Segura]

No one. No one thought this was a good idea, right? But then with the Internet, it was like, you need a reason to go, what is that? That one reason where.

[Christina P]

So was those clips from that Showtime special that blew everything up?

[Tom Segura]

Those clips from those. I put four clips. The Machine story. Fighting a bear, jumping out of a plane with Rachel Ray and my taking my daughter to first grade John Henry story. And I put four clips up. And I remember the Machine the first night got like 3 million views.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And every single one of them was like 2 million, 1,750,000. Like, everyone was skyrocketing. And then the Machine got To like, I mean, I don't know, like 10 million, 12 million, 20 million. That's like 50 million right now. But I remember that's when Showtime's like, yo, pull it all off. You got to take it all off. Why?

[Christina P]

Why would they want to take it off? It was doing. Because they weren't benefiting.

[Tom Segura]

They weren't benefiting from it because you.

[Christina P]

You had it on your Bert Kreischer Facebook page.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And they were gonna sue me for, like, for the price of the special and why. But I was like, I'll give you that money because I need this business. Yeah, because your ticket sales, I'm telling selling.

[Christina P]

So you went. That was the first time ever you start. So you only started selling tickets. So when was that? 10, 2000.

[Tom Segura]

Does someone have a date? 2000, 2016. December 27, 2000. I was set up to do the Wilbur January 2017, and I hadn't sold 200 tickets. Wow. I hadn't sold 200 tickets. And we were panicking. And promos weren't a thing yet. Like, no one was doing promos. And the machine story went viral. And I remember my agent goes, we cleaned up the Wilbur. And he's like, by the way, you're sold out at Portland, Helium. Portland Helium, Buffalo, Helium. And, and New Jersey. And I was like, no, that's crazy.

[Christina P]

And because you had went 10 plus years of never selling out any shows.

[Tom Segura]

Not selling, like, you wouldn't come close, buddy. I, I, my, I would call, they.

[Christina P]

Would you have to give money back to the club?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, a couple times. No. A couple times?

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

If you wanted to work there again. Yeah. And they got a upside down deal, you're like, yo, let's figure this out.

[Christina P]

But you ever think about that? Like, how many years, like, think about yourself in the middle of those 10, 12 years of not selling anything, There must have been times you'd be like, I'm. It's just not good. The people don't like it, but it's not going to work.

[Tom Segura]

My whole career, I was like, maybe I'm just not meant to. Maybe I'm not good. Maybe I'm. Maybe I'm just delusional.

[Christina P]

Like, our friends think you're good. You think you're good, but the fans are saying no for some reason.

[Tom Segura]

The crowd would laugh, but just no one would show up. So I'd kill to 75 people. But it's also, you know, it was the road and the road. There were no rules to the road. And it was like, yeah, I definitely was like, Maybe this isn't gonna work out. And then it would work out for Tom. And I was like, man. And then I was, like, getting older, and I'd watch, like, dudes show up with, like. I remember Chris D'Elia had, like, space pants on and, like, a brand new Audi and the hottest chick I'd ever seen in my life. And I was like. I was sitting off the side going in jeans with dad shoes. I. Plantar fasciitis, no shirt on, sandals, sweaty jeans. Yeah. And I'm looking at going, I guess it just didn't happen for me. And then I'd be in the.

[Christina P]

Cause you were already, what, in your mid-40s or something?

[Tom Segura]

43. Wow. 43.

[Christina P]

You were like, it's just over.

[Tom Segura]

I was like, I was comfortable being just a journeyman comic, just a really good comic who, like, maybe not. Maybe no one stayed in the room to watch, but maybe by your peers and all that, and friends with everyone. Hey, man's a good set, you know? But, like, no one was like, hey, guys, Bert's on, like, you know, with the way they do for, like. Yeah, like, if Chappelle's in the room.

[Christina P]

Sure.

[Tom Segura]

If Rogan goes up, everyone goes, come on, let's go. Look at Rogan. You know, I wasn't going to be that guy. And I was like, cool. And Rogan had a conversation with me in the back of the. Of the Comedy Store, and he was like, I mean, you need to get a Netflix special. And he's like, you're too funny. You need a Netflix special. And I'm telling you. And I was like, joe, that's. That's like saying, hey, man, you need to fuck a supermodel. I was like, how the fuck do I do that?

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

He was like, be undeniable.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I didn't know what that meant.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And I got fired from Travel Channel, and. And because of that, I could do stand up every single night. And I just did it every single fucking night. I did it every single fucking weekend. And then one day, the dude that I liked, that it was like, really, like, the hot, hot comic came up, and he was like, when did you get funny? And I was like, oh, I've been. I've been funny. That was the other thing is, I came kind of from out of nowhere, so everyone was like, oh, he's this Travel Channel guy.

[Christina P]

Right?

[Tom Segura]

But, yeah, I didn't get success until I was like, 43.

[Christina P]

But that's good, because now you know what it feels like to not have success. So you hold on to the success. You don't take it for granted.

[Tom Segura]

Well, yeah. Yeah. But I mean, that's why, like, I don't know, I just. I was like, fucking foot to the pedal to the metal.

[Christina P]

Yeah, see, See, for me, it's like, I get. Because I. When I'm home in New York, I'm always working. We're doing the Also, too. Like, our generation, like, the podcast.

[Tom Segura]

You have a. You have. I mean, we didn't get paid for. I mean, podcasting was like. Yeah, it was like we were early to the game of podcasting, but, like, you guys can go in and you guys are so much better at podcasting than us older dudes, I think.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I really think you guys, like, I watch you guys, I watch History Hyenas, I watch Stavi, I watch hey, Babe, Back in the day, like, everything. You are so good on a podcast that I think sometimes I'm like, maybe I should just stop podcasting. But then I do one with you, and I go, it's fine. It just moves.

[Christina P]

Because I think, too, for me, I think that's what sometimes the dilemma comes from, too, is because, like you said, there was no opportunity other than the comedy clubs for me, for my generation, it's like, the opportunity is more on the Internet, so it's more on, like, the podcasting, and then we sell the tickets or whatever. So I'm like, okay, here's the bounce. But when I'm home, I'm in New York, I'm like. I'm doing spots every single night. Like, I love. I would never stop comedy. I love it. But it's like this dilemma of, like, okay, now I look at money as, like, I try to look him as, like, little freedom coupons, where it's like, okay, if I go in iron, God willing, I can sell out or make enough money. Does this buy me enough time where I get now six weekends at home with my kids. You know what I mean? Like, that's the way I look at it. So that's why I try to look at it.

[Tom Segura]

So I looked at it this way. I was like, yo, I didn't make money for, like, forever.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So now that I can make money, I need to. This is exactly what I said. I need to get us a big house. Yep. I need to get the girls, and I gotta pay for colleges.

[Christina P]

Yep.

[Tom Segura]

And I was like, buddy, can you imagine being 43 and knowing that college is, like, four years away? I don't. I mean, I can't remember exact ages or whatever, but, like, remember thinking College is coming up and I don't have money for it. Nor do I have money for Christmas next year. Nor do I have money for. I don't know if I'm gonna have money for a mortgage.

[Christina P]

Nothing safe for the future.

[Tom Segura]

I got nothing safe for the future. I remember going and being in a. In a car in St. Louis at the Helium. I'd done radio. I was. I drank on radio. I was shirtless in the car. I'm fucking 43. And the manager looked at me and he goes, how long can you do this for?

[Christina P]

Whoa.

[Tom Segura]

And I was like, huh? He's like, what are you gonna be, like a 50 year old comic? And I was like, oh, I don't know. Am I sad?

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I was like, wait, am I depressing people? Like, oh, fuck. And then I was like, oh, how long can I do this for, by the way? Hadn't sold any tickets that weekend.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Hadn't sold any fucking tickets. And got into a fight with Doug Benson on stage. And I knew he was posting it Monday morning for his fucking Doug loves movies.

[Christina P]

Wow.

[Tom Segura]

And I was like, like a legitimate fight. Like, by far. If you download this and I'm sure it's still out there and you hit play, you will never be more involved and committed to a bit of content in your life. It is a passionate, heated fight on stage in a sold out comedy club where he is screaming at me and I'm confused and I'm drunk and I'm trying to give people cheeseburgers and I leave the room and then I walk back into the room and it gets worse. And then I. I humbly apologize and I get on stage.

[Christina P]

By the way, people don't know who you are yet, right?

[Tom Segura]

Dude, that was that weekend. And I was like, well, I was like, but the one thing I got on that weekend was Google Trends, right? He told me what Google trends were, and I realized I started seeing spikes. I started googling why I spiked. And I was like, oh, I guess Rogan's a spike. I didn't know that. I was like, I just did Rogans. But I knew I got followers, but I didn't know that it would help my career, right? And I was like, wait, oh, when I'm with Tom, that's the spike. Oh, when I'm with Ari, that's a spike. When I'm with. I was like, okay, well, I'll just hang out with my boys a little more. And then I was like, oh, Hot ones is spiking. What's Hot Ones? Google it. Check it out. I was like, oh, shit. Hit up Sean Evans. I go on Hot ones. Huge fucking spike. I learned and I marketed my career based on that. But, man, I am like. I, like, look back and I am so fucking lucky that I took my shirt off.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I posted that machine clip and I met Joe Rogan. Those are my three things.

[Christina P]

Three things.

[Tom Segura]

Three things that happened. Had. Had one of those things not happened. I don't know if I'd be where I am, right? Like, if the machine. If I didn't post the Machine. No, I'd just be like. I'd just be like a regular guy that did Rogan a couple times.

[Christina P]

You'd be dead in St. Louis. Yeah. You'd be shirtless dead in St. Louis.

[Tom Segura]

It's crazy.

[Christina P]

But now, look, dude, it's fucking awesome. Now you got. Now I feel like now is the good. I mean, obviously it's been great years, but now it's like, you know, get the family, get it going. Beautiful home. Oh, dude, it's amazing.

[Tom Segura]

I make good money on the podcast. We make great money on the vodka. We're, like, doing well with the 5K. Like, everything's good business right now. And I'm just, like, floating. And then I go, maybe I'll go on. Maybe I'll do an arena tour. Maybe I'll do a theater tour. Maybe I'll go do clubs for four months.

[Christina P]

I was gonna say, you go back to the clubs.

[Tom Segura]

It'd be wild. The funnest touring I ever have is getting the bus in California and just go across the country, doing clubs, clubs, and just do a big loop for, like, two months.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

No kids at home. Just do two months of a loop.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Bring your. Have friends fly out and meet up with you. Have them on the road for two days.

[Christina P]

Amazing.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, we did that right before my special. We went on the road for a month straight, Right. Doing clubs from LA all the way down to Tampa.

[Christina P]

Jesus.

[Tom Segura]

And no, no, no. Up to where we started. Fully Loaded. And then we met up with everyone. Fully Loaded. Toured all the way through. Fully Loaded.

[Christina P]

By the way, where's Tom? Tom was supposed to be on. Where the fuck is Tom? This guy just was supposed to be on.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

And then I get a text at noon that he's not on. What is Tom? What, is he losing weight?

[Tom Segura]

No, he's doing a hair thing. Consultation.

[Christina P]

Is he doing it? He's going to Turkey, too. I think Dan Soder calls him Hair Tits, which is very funny.

[Tom Segura]

I thought of that today. No, he's doing a consultation to see if he has enough hair to replace, you think?

[Christina P]

Right. Does he have enough hair to replace it?

[Tom Segura]

Because he's, he's really bald.

[Christina P]

Tom is insanely bald.

[Tom Segura]

Like his.

[Christina P]

No, Tom's like chemo bald.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah. Like his, his hair receded here. Like he's receding here. So they're just doing a consultation. I think he didn't want to go to Turkey. I think he may have to go to Turkey to get it done. Because everyone in LA is like, you don't have enough hair to do it.

[Christina P]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

So I think he may have to go to Turkey.

[Christina P]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

But that's why he came out to la. And he was like, yeah, I'll do the consultation. And the guy's like, I'm going to need to bring other people in to look at this dude.

[Christina P]

Well, he should have just come and did the consultation on the show.

[Tom Segura]

He doesn't want anyone to know about it.

[Christina P]

Well, now, well, okay, well, sorry, Tom.

[Tom Segura]

Let me tell you how bad I am.

[Christina P]

What do you mean? He's just gonna show up one day back on Two Bears with just hair.

[Tom Segura]

Like, let me know.

[Christina P]

He just not talk about it.

[Tom Segura]

He's like, let's look at this person on Plan was. He was. Plan was like, when I started shaving my hair, I had hair. I started shaving my head, I had hair. People just think I'm just growing it out.

[Christina P]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

I was like, okay, sure.

[Christina P]

You've been, you've been bald for 20 years and now you're just growing it out. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Are you gonna make a. Hey, was your, was your wife upset about the island of garbage?

[Christina P]

No, she wasn't.

[Tom Segura]

Was there any Puerto Ricans upset?

[Christina P]

No, she got, honestly, look, I'm sure there were. I'm really. Of course there were. I can only speak on my family. My family just doesn't care, like at all. Yeah, my, you know, my mother in law had a good point. I thought she was like that. To me, that same thing. She's like, I get the, you know, the problems with her. She knows Puerto Rico. She was like, I get the joke. Maybe it wasn't the best joke or at a political rally. I get all that. She's like, but the media making a big deal about that. She was like, is the same thing that happened the first time when they made a big deal about Trump saying, grab her by the pussy, where she was like, me as a woman, you think I haven't heard that from a man? You think that I don't know that men talk like that all the time? That's not a reason I'm not gonna vote. That's not that. She was like, that's not the reason. That doesn't get me to vote for Hillary. Now you make me want to vote for Trump more. She said it was very. She had that same feeling about. You're going to. Now I'm going to let this white motherfucker on CNN tell me what, as a Puerto Rican I should be offended by. Now we go to Donnie T. Yeah. So that. That's what it is. So. So that's basically what happened, you know. You know what actually is fudgeing wild, too?

[Tom Segura]

What?

[Christina P]

So my perception is reality, right? Of course. Who cares about reality 100%?

[Tom Segura]

And hang on. Can I give you a gift?

[Christina P]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

Apply that in your marriage.

[Christina P]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

When you guys get. Don't forget, perception is reality.

[Christina P]

Great.

[Tom Segura]

When you get. Tommy Chong said this to me. High as fuck. When you get into a fight, you get to decide if you're angry or not. You can also decide to focus on all the great times you had and ignore this one little thing and look past it and go, I'm gonna give. I'm gonna take all these experiences. I've done that, and it fucking works. Yeah, keep going.

[Christina P]

So. Yeah, that's a good one. So I feel like perception is reality. That our. When I was a kid, when I was in my 20s, you had to be, like, liberal. Every. You had to be like, if you. Everybody was. Everybody voted for Obama. Everybody was like, in the comedy world, in the college world, whatever. Now it's like reverse. Now it's like, the kids like, my. I have a nephew, he's 17, 18, and he goes. I was like, oh, you know, before the election, I was like, who are you gonna vote for? And he was like, I don't know. I was like, well, just vote. Like, what do you think? What do you think you're gonna do? I was like, I guess for you guys, your generation. Because I didn't know. I was like, you guys are going to go liberal, right? Because he's in college. He's like, no, dude, that's gay. Being a Democrat's gay. And I was like, what? I was like, what do you mean? He goes, isn't that gay? Isn't that the gay one? And I was like, what? And he was like, I thought that Biden and the Democrats were gay and hated America and Trump and the Republicans were strong and loved America. And I was like, yeah. And I was like, wait, so why do you think that? And he was like. And I was Like, I'm not judging you at all, dude. I was like, I. What do you think? And he was like, that's what I think. I was like, then vote with that. I was like, vote, vote. You know, for you, it's simple. You fucking gay or straight? I was like, so you're voting straight? And so. But it was interesting. I was like, wow, that fucking changed in 50. Not everybody, by the way. That's not a blank. I know that there's many, many people who feel the reverse at that age, but the perception was very interesting to me. College bros, to hear from a young kid be like, whoa, here's how I knew it was shifting. Last year, okay? I did a show on a fucking USS aircraft carrier. 5,000 people, okay? On. In USS aircraft carrier in San Diego. The government booked me, right? So I do this show and they tell me, do not. Do not even speak about President Biden. Do not speak about President Biden. Do not obviously disparage America. Don't even say anything about, like, anti America's enemies. Just do your comedy. I was like, great. So I'm doing my comedy. The microphone breaks, okay? No, Mike, 5,000 people outside in San Diego, on the water, on a fucking aircraft carrier with these kids about to. These are like the first wave of the arm. They'll go to war, these kids.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

This is like, not National Guard. This is the real deal, motherfuckers. So I go. So I'm like, oh, shit. So it was a gas. It was a gas powered generator that was powering the audio system, so that didn't have any gas in it. So my mic went out. So I'm trying to get through it and I can't. And there's 5,000 people. I'm trying to scream, whatever. And then the person over there who had told me 10 times, do not say anything about, you know, America, whatever. But I knew from knowing contracts, I knew that this was like that force de majore thing where it's like, I'm gonna get paid no matter what because your equipment broke.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

So you now legally have to pay me. And I knew my agent's gonna get that fucking money. So I said, you know what? Fuck it. I said, I gotta just get this crowd back on my side. I said, guys, I was like. And I didn't tell them to do this. This just happened organically. And I was like, oh, shit. I go, guys. I was like, fucking microphone broke. And they were like, boo. I was like, yeah. I was like, you know why? I was like, there's no gas. In the generator. And they were like, boo. And I was like, you know why? I was like, because we're sending all the money to Ukraine. And they were like. And then they. And then they go, ah. And then out of nowhere, 5,000 of the United States army start going, fuck Joe Biden. Fuck Joe Biden. And I was like, looking at. I was like, is this bad? And then I was like, wait, wait, wait. I was like, no, we can't say. You can't say that. When I counted down, I was like, my family, he's Puerto Rican. I started doing fucking Puerto Rican accents, trying to get it back.

[Tom Segura]

No means yes. No means yes.

[Christina P]

But they started screaming, fuck Joe Biden. And I was like, wowzers. Wow, dude. And I was like, oh, shit, it's over.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

And I knew it then. And then anytime, like, you know, I was very polite. And again, I'm not. I'm. I really am very apolitical. I really, really am. But there's such a thing. There's such, like, this bubble, at least in New York City and of course, la, where, like, even the comics, when I was sitting at the Comedy Stall and they were telling me in October that there's no way Trump can win and Biden's gonna save this. And I. And I just, you know, you're polite, but you're just like, dude, if you were on the aircraft carrier with me, you would know it's fucking. Absolutely, dude. I'm talking about beyond fucking. Yuka gives that a 0 out of 100. If I scan that response, Yuka gives out a full zero. They would say, you'd rather eat fucking Quest protein chips.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

God damn it.

[Christina P]

It's just like, you got to know, I mean, the comedy club, the comedy clubs, we really are the first wave, like, you know, like, you know.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah.

[Christina P]

I knew in 2016, when I was going through Ohio and all this place, you see the Trump flags everywhere. He's going to win. I didn't see them in 2020, you know, I mean, we weren't really on the road, but I didn't hear many people talking about it, so I was like, he might lose 2024 going back. You know, you do fucking go bananas or whatever. It's like Trump everywhere.

[Tom Segura]

You know he's going to win 2016. I was in Ohio. We were getting ready to do the. The. The End of the World podcast. Me, Burr, Stanhope and Rogan at the store. And I'm in Ohio that weekend before. We're doing it, like, Tuesday, the election, and I had a joke, you know, you always. For anyone listening, I hope you understand this. But the fun thing to do in comedy is say the thing you think they're gonna hate and then win them over with the joke. And I. And I said. And I thought this was. I was. I was like, I'm voting for Trump. And the place went bananas.

[Christina P]

Yeah. You thought it was gonna go the other way.

[Tom Segura]

I was like, I guess I don't need to say the other part of the joke.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I don't think they're gonna like that.

[Christina P]

Yeah, dude. I did a gig for the mlb, right? Like, the Major League Baseball. It was like a closed event. Like, only the baseball players, like, active baseball players. Some hall of Famers were in there. Trump had just won. It was. Trump got elected on Tuesday. This gig was, like, Thursday, right? 500 people in a room. And I said, here's the thing. I said, folks, again, they told me, don't say anything political. Be squeaky clean. But it's like, okay, I need to be funny here, so whatever. So I said to them, not knowing where it's gonna go, but I had ways to go after it. I said, listen, we're in a room right now. We got a lot of millionaires and a lot of Dominicans. I know one thing and one thing only. This room voted for Donald Trump. And they went fucking nuts. I'm gonna just say it. You could edit up Big Papi Ortiz. David Ortiz got up and started clapping. I was like, there he is. Big Bobby. He was like, tom's my boy.

[Tom Segura]

We got Dominicans and millionaires.

[Christina P]

I said, we got Dominicans and millionaires. This place voted for Donnie T. And they went fucking ape shit. And so it's one of those things where it's like, it's not even about who. I don't care. It's like, you just got to be in reality a little bit.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Where it's like, dude, you can't tell. You can't be white telling Puerto Rican people how to feel. I know that I'm with a Puerto Rican woman.

[Tom Segura]

You just don't. You've been trying it for fucking five.

[Christina P]

Years, for 10 years, dude. It doesn't work. So it's like, that was the first mistake when I was like, shut up. Let Puerto Rican people say something. But when you hear fucking Wolf Blitzer being like, this is outrageous. You know, my family was like, shut the fuck up, whitey.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, well, you have to go to Kimmel. I have to go to couples therapy.

[Christina P]

It's amazing.

[Tom Segura]

Same thing, buddy. I love you, dude.

[Christina P]

I love you, too. I'll kiss you on the fucking lips. I would.

[Tom Segura]

I would kiss you on the lips. It's a great episode. Thank you.

[Christina P]

Coming September 11th.

[Tom Segura]

Make sure to check his Hulu special. It's just unfortunate. Releasing February 21st.

[Christina P]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

Madison Square Garden on September 11th.

[Christina P]

That's what it is, baby.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Yeah, dude.

[Tom Segura]

I love it.

[Christina P]

I got. I. I proposed to my girl January 6th. I'm doing comedy September 11th. Hell, yeah, dude.

[Tom Segura]

America.

[Christina P]

America, dude.

[Tom Segura]

Bert and Tom. Tom and Bert. One goes topless while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories, and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call two bears, one cave.