Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder?" | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Details:

• Title: Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder?
• Hosts: Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
• Release Date: February 10, 2025
• Description: Comedian best friends Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer engage in their trademark humor and candid conversations in the bear cave at YMH Studios.

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Introduction to Medical Mishaps

The episode kicks off with Tom Segura sharing recent personal mishaps involving health issues. He recounts an incident where he accidentally crushed his big toe with a whiskey bottle, leading to nerve damage.

Notable Quote:

Tom Segura (00:26): "Hey, guys. Fuck. I fucked it up already."

Leanne Kreischer attempts to lighten the mood by clarifying that Tom still has his big toe, despite the injury.

---

Navigating Medical Appointments

Tom continues discussing his nerve conduction test, expressing frustration over the lack of meaningful information he received from the test results.

Notable Quote:

Tom Segura (01:08): "That's the worst 40 minutes of my life. And he's just like, yeah, you're right. It does suck. That's it. That's what I learned."

Leanne shares her own experiences with medical tests, highlighting the often impersonal nature of healthcare interactions.

---

Dental Dilemmas and Health Anxieties

The conversation shifts to dental issues, with Tom describing a scare over a mysterious lump in his mouth. His anxiety peaks as he contemplates the worst-case scenarios, only to receive reassuring news after an X-ray.

Notable Quote:

Tom Segura (04:04): "The day I go, it disappeared. The day I'm going, it just goes away."

Leanne empathizes, noting her own family's struggles with related health concerns.

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Exploring Personality Disorders

A significant portion of the episode delves into the topic of personality disorders, particularly focusing on whether Tom exhibits traits of Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD). Leanne methodically goes through the symptoms, encouraging Tom to self-assess.

Notable Quote:

Leanne Kreischer (27:28): "Being overly concerned with physical appearance and using it to draw attention."

Tom acknowledges several symptoms, leading to a deeper exploration of his communication habits and social interactions.

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Therapy Sessions and Self-Awareness

Tom shares his recent experiences in therapy, revealing his struggles with making conversations self-centered. He discusses the challenges of staying silent and the anxiety that silence brings him in social settings.

Notable Quote:

Tom Segura (26:31): "Come on. You know, I got that."

Leanne provides insights into his behavior patterns, suggesting practical steps to improve his conversational skills and reduce self-centered tendencies.

---

Anecdotes from Paris and Social Media Insights

The hosts recount their trip to Paris, highlighting cultural misunderstandings and the chaotic beauty of iconic landmarks. Tom expresses his disinterest in art, contrasting with Leanne's appreciation for guided tours and museum exhibits.

Notable Quote:

Tom Segura (52:50): "It was like a terminal at the airport. It is so crazy the amount of traffic that's going on at that museum."

Transitioning to social media, Tom critiques his own addictive scrolling habits, drawing parallels to brainwashing techniques depicted in "A Clockwork Orange."

Notable Quote:

Tom Segura (60:59): "I'm doing A Clockwork Orange to myself. I'm just scrolling and going like, tom, I'm finding people interesting that have 70 followers."

---

Conclusion: Embracing Self-Improvement

As the episode wraps up, Tom acknowledges his awareness of the issues discussed and expresses a desire to change his behavior patterns. Leanne reinforces the importance of self-awareness and practical strategies to foster healthier interactions.

Notable Quote:

Leanne Kreischer (39:16): "I believe you. I think, I mean, your Natural instinct is to, like, hear something and go, what's my version of that?"

The episode concludes on a light-hearted note, with the hosts teasing future plans and maintaining their signature comedic banter.

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Key Takeaways:

• Self-Awareness: The episode emphasizes the importance of recognizing one's own behavioral patterns, especially in communication.
• Therapeutic Insights: Through their candid discussion, Tom and Leanne explore the nuances of personality disorders and the role of therapy in personal growth.
• Humor in Vulnerability: Despite the serious topics, the hosts maintain their humorous dynamic, making sensitive discussions more approachable.

Overall, "Does Bert Have A Personality Disorder?" offers listeners a blend of humor and heartfelt conversations, shedding light on personal struggles and the journey towards self-improvement.

Transcript

[Bert Kreischer]

Battle Creek, Michigan. Tickets are on sale now for my show at Firekeepers casino on Friday, May 9. Next month, I'm coming across the pond to Dublin, Belfast, Manchester, London, Glasgow, Nottingham, and Cardiff. Tickets and info [e-mail] tour 100%.

[Tom Segura]

Cheers.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Do you want to start it, Bert?

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Hey, guys. Fuck. I fucked it up already.

[Leanne Kreischer]

That's okay.

[Tom Segura]

I forget.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Well, I think I said that your big toe got amputated. So is it. Is it or do you have it still? I don't remember.

[Tom Segura]

I still have it. I still have it.

[Leanne Kreischer]

That's great. No, that's a great way to start. Bert has his big toe again.

[Tom Segura]

I still have my big toe. And, dude, I crushed that fucking thing. Did you see that? Did you see the picture of it?

[Leanne Kreischer]

Of what thing?

[Tom Segura]

My toe. My toe.

[Leanne Kreischer]

No, I don't even know what you're talking about.

[Tom Segura]

Wait. My big toe. I crushed it. Oh, I did not know that.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Oh, yeah, I was referring to diabetes.

[Tom Segura]

No, no, no.

[Bert Kreischer]

What happened?

[Leanne Kreischer]

What happened?

[Tom Segura]

I dropped a fucking whiskey bottle on it and it. And it broke my big toe and the toe next to it, and they were black. They're good. Now, it happened a couple weeks ago. You can find a picture online, I'm sure.

[Leanne Kreischer]

But there's a. By the way, I have a. I have a. I had a nerve conduction test.

[Tom Segura]

Nerve conduction?

[Leanne Kreischer]

Yeah. So, like, I still have nerve issues in this.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Leanne Kreischer]

Yeah. And certain things prompt. That's why these bruises are here, by the way. So certain things prompt it. So they do a nerve conduction test to, like, say, see what's going on. And I go in. This guy's like, so why are we doing this? And I was like, to get an update on how my arm's doing. And he goes, what happened to your arm? And I'm like, I broke it. And he's like, how'd you break it? So I like, tell him the whole story, and then he's like. So he's like, did your arm not work or something? And I'm like, no, it works, but, like, I have nerve issues. Like, don't you do nerve tests here? Isn't this what this is? He's like, yeah, I just. I don't know anything about you. I don't know what, like, what's going on? And I go, okay, so here's what happened. And, you know, I had a nerve transfer done. Which nerve did they transfer? And I'm like, I don't know the fucking name of it, man. Like, it was here, and now it's Here. And then he's like, okay. And he goes, do you know what kind of damage you have? I go, yeah, I have some, like, radial nerve damage. You know, you have different nerves that go down your arm. Ulnar nerve. You sure it's radial? I go, yeah, that's what they've always said. He's like, all right. He goes, don't be freaked out by this, okay? I go, okay. And then he pulls out a book and he starts reading about it. He's like. And I'm like, what are you doing? He's like, I don't really do radial nerve stuff usually. And I'm like, cool. So then I'm like. Then he hooks me up, is zapping my arm. It's the worst. Like, electrical shocks going through your arm, sticks needles in there and, like, sends volts through my arm. And I'm like, ah. And I'm like, so am I learning anything from this fucking test, man? He's like, you said it was your radial nerve. I go, yeah. He goes, let me try one more thing. And he sticks one more. I'm like, ah, fuck. And he's like, okay. He's like, all right. And then he sends a report. Patient has radial nerve damage. Everything else is fine. I'm like, what the fuck did I learn from this dude? It was the worst 40 minutes of my life. And he's just like, yeah, you're right. It does suck. That's it. That's what I learned.

[Tom Segura]

That's cool.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Yeah, it was real cool. It was really cool.

[Tom Segura]

I, I, I, I. That would make me crazy. He was reading about it. I don't. I don't have your ability to go to the doctor the way you do. Like, you like going to the doctor and to the dentist and. And stuff like that.

[Leanne Kreischer]

I went today. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

To what I got.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Well, here in la. I went and got an ekg.

[Tom Segura]

For real?

[Leanne Kreischer]

Yeah, Just to see how it's going. Guess what? They're like, good. Perfect. He says, perfect.

[Tom Segura]

Really? Have you gotten the. Have you gotten the CAT scan where they check to see how much blockage you have?

[Leanne Kreischer]

Yeah, I've had. I've had that. I've had the calcium cardiac rating and CT scan. I've done it. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I went to the dentist. I had a lump in my mouth. It was pretty scary. Like a legit. Like a legit lump. Like. And. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You start questioning all the fucking decisions.

[Leanne Kreischer]

You'Ve made and what happened? Nothing.

[Tom Segura]

The day I go, it disappeared. The day I'm going, it just goes away. And I was like, okay, so do I not bring it up? Because I know it's been there for a while. Do I not bring it up? Or do I bring it up and just go. You know. And it's gone. So I go in because, you know, I had a tooth fallout.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Wait.

[Tom Segura]

Recently, I had a.

[Leanne Kreischer]

What do you mean, fallout? Like, you were just talking, and then a tooth bounced off your tongue?

[Tom Segura]

No, I was eating something, and it came out. It was a crown.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Well, I know it wasn't an apple. What were you eating?

[Tom Segura]

I think Sushi. It was nothing.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Sushi.

[Tom Segura]

And so. So I had to get the crown put back in. And, you know, I don't trust white dentists. I only go to, like, Peruvian dentists.

[Leanne Kreischer]

I did not. Dentist.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah. Because white ones always try to upsell you because they get a boat. Peruvian one is just happy that he can do dentistry.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And so. So he.

[Leanne Kreischer]

I went to a bunch of armos when I lived here.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, for real?

[Leanne Kreischer]

Yeah, I went to Armenian dentist. Yeah, the.

[Tom Segura]

I told him about the lump, and he was like. He was like, all right, let's do an X ray, see if it's cancer. And I was like, fuck. And then they do the X ray. He didn't say, let's do the X ray and see if it's cancer, but he's like, let's do the X ray. We'll look around. He's like, comes back. And he was like, yeah. When was the last time you had your teeth cleaned? And I was like, oh, it's been a while. And Leanne was there, and, you know, I don't. I don't. Tell the truth. Truth. I go, it's been a little bit. And Leanne goes, It's. It's been 20 years. And he goes, let's get your teeth cleaned. And he's like, we can do it right now. And I was like, no, I got a really busy day. We can do it later. And Leanne's like, what the fuck is wrong with you? So I'm doing it in, like, late February.

[Leanne Kreischer]

You put it off?

[Tom Segura]

I put it off. Why? I just fucking. It gives me anxiety.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Do you know what happens if you have mouth cancer? Oh, buddy, have you seen Roger Ebert when he had it? Pull up, pull up, pull up.

[Tom Segura]

How did he get mouth cancer?

[Leanne Kreischer]

I forget what caused it, but when he.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, come on, man.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Hold on. Hit the images.

[Tom Segura]

I. I saw it. I saw it. That's.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Yeah. And they take. They take basically your bottom jaw. They took his jaw off. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Well, I don't have mouth cancer. Thank God he did the X ray. He's like, you're fine. He's like, we just need to clean your teeth.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Oh.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, that was. That's scary. That's scary.

[Leanne Kreischer]

My.

[Tom Segura]

My. My. My. My wife's cousin had tongue cancer, and they had to take out his tongue, and I think they replaced it with, like, a finger or something. A finger, not a finger. Replaced.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Thank you.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah. I don't need to see that ever again.

[Leanne Kreischer]

So you can. You can take it down. You can get penis cancer, dude.

[Tom Segura]

Come on. Come on. I can't get. I. I hope I get murdered. I just hope I get murdered.

[Leanne Kreischer]

It doesn't have to be that extreme.

[Tom Segura]

I don't. But I'd rather get murdered than have to go.

[Leanne Kreischer]

How would you choose to be murdered? You want it to be quick or, like, you want it to be a real struggle?

[Tom Segura]

I would like it to be a struggle.

[Leanne Kreischer]

So you're looking at probably strangulation or stabbing, Right? That's what would be. Those would be.

[Tom Segura]

I would like to feel like I had a chance then.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Strangled, probably.

[Tom Segura]

Strangled.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Not by, like. But I wanted to be, like, a fucking savage. Like, I wanted to be a badass. Dude, I didn't tell you we went to Paris.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Yeah. How was it?

[Tom Segura]

It's crazy because you know what made me think about that? I went for a jog one morning. I love jogging at, like, 6am in a foreign city. My favorite thing in the world to do. It's my favorite thing. So at 6am it's still dark. Doesn't get dark until like, nine light until nine, so it's dark as shit. And I'm jogging in Paris and I realize I was scared. And then I realized I have nothing to be scared of because they don't have guns.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Oh, there's still reasons to be scared in Paris.

[Tom Segura]

For real.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

It seemed like. It seemed like there were no homeless people and no racism, which I thought was awesome.

[Leanne Kreischer]

No. Yeah. I think you were probably in a pretty good neighborhood, but for real. Yeah. Paris is a big city. There's a lot of. There's a lot of dicey areas in Paris is.

[Tom Segura]

Do you think there's racism in Paris?

[Leanne Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

For real?

[Leanne Kreischer]

Definitely.

[Tom Segura]

Because you see, like, it seems like everyone just gets along.

[Leanne Kreischer]

No, they don't.

[Tom Segura]

For real?

[Leanne Kreischer]

Yeah, they have, like, a real. I mean, there's been, the last decade, this influx of, you know, Muslims that have moved there, and there's a lot of. There's a lot of outspoken Selling the little eiffel Towers and, well, just. They have their issues, man, for sure.

[Tom Segura]

The only thing I noticed is that, like, their black guys don't wear cool shoes.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Well, here's what this says. Racism has been called a serious social issue in French society. Despite widespread public belief that racism does not exist on a serious scale in France. Anti Semitism and prejudice against Muslims have a long history.

[Tom Segura]

I asked my bartender, I was like, is there racism here? And he's like, no, not really. We don't. We love everyone. This isn't like America. You're obsessed with racism. And I was like, dude, I'm so obsessed with racism, I'm picking out people you should hate.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I'm walking down the street going, you can't smell that fucking guy.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Well, yeah, you sound like a local. Don't let that guy fool you. That's. Yeah, he's full of shit.

[Tom Segura]

This show is sponsored by Better Help. What are some of your relationship green flags? We often hear the term red flags. Things we should avoid. But what if we focus more on looking for green flags in friends and partners? God, I love this. I love this. If you're not sure what they look like, therapy can help you identify your green flags. Actively practice them in your relationship and embody the green flag energy yourself. Whether you're dating, you're married, you're building a friendship, or just. Just working on yourself, it's time to form relationships that love you back. I've been talking about this for a very long time. You know, I had a happiness journal and I would identify things that made me happy. And one of the things that made me happy, if I was in bed and I was hungover, I knew that making my daughter's breakfast before school gave me happiness. And no matter how hungover I was, I would get out of bed and I would go and make them breakfast. And then all of a sudden, my day would turn around. This green flag thing is brilliant. And I learned this in therapy. If you're not in therapy, you should. Everyone should be. BetterHelp is fully online making therapy affordable and convenient. Serving over 5 million people worldwide. Access a diverse network of more than 30,000 credentialed therapists with a wide range of specialties. Easily switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Discover your relationship green flags with better help. Visit betterhelp.com bears to get 10% off your first month. That's better help. H E L p.com bears ready to optimize your nutrition.

[Bert Kreischer]

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[Tom Segura]

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[Leanne Kreischer]

Man, your French is absolutely impeccable. Keep going.

[Tom Segura]

And so we go to get the lotion and I'm like. And the guy goes, do you like cologne? And I was like, no, I don't really wear cologne. And he goes, oh, but let me try something. Smell. And I was like, okay, give me something good. And then you know what he says? It's like, this guy knew me. He goes, do you know Napoleon Bonaparte? I said, yeah. And he goes, would you like his cologne? I go, I can buy Napoleon Bonaparte's cologne. And he goes, yes, this was his favorite cologne. This is what he wore. So I bought Napoleon's cologne.

[Leanne Kreischer]

How is it?

[Tom Segura]

It's fucking awesome. It is citrusy, dude. Then I went, I get drunk that night, I'm on the balcony and Leanne's asleep, and I started buying dictators colognes. I got Churchill's cologne. I got. I got. Who's the writer? Ernest Hemingway's cologne.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Those are.

[Tom Segura]

I got Stalin's. Dude, you can get everyone. Every dictator had a scent.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Well, Hemingway and. And Churchill were not dictators, just famous people.

[Tom Segura]

It was like. Famous people.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Yeah, sure.

[Tom Segura]

Like I. I thought that was fucking. It's such a cool present. That is a cool.

[Leanne Kreischer]

That is a cool one. So who has the best smell of those four?

[Tom Segura]

I bought them. They're all getting delivered.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Oh, they're all getting delivered.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I'm going to get. I'm so excited.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Okay, here's some people out there. So George Washington.

[Tom Segura]

George Washington. Can I tell you something crazy? George Washington existed before they knew what dinosaurs were.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Didn't know that he worked.

[Tom Segura]

They thought they were dragons.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Caswell Massey, number six, Napoleon.

[Tom Segura]

I bought that. I bought George Washington's Jean Marie Farina.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Eau de Cologne for Napoleon.

[Tom Segura]

That's what I bought.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Winston wore Creed Tabarum, a bespoke blend with tobacco notes fitting. Ernest Hemingway just dumped a bottle of liquor down his face. And it's American. 31. Whatever. 131 by Krigler. Oh, John F. Kennedy. Did you buy his eight?

[Tom Segura]

No, I didn't buy his. I bought Elvis's. Elvis's was like a cheap cologne. It was like. I was like, six bucks.

[Leanne Kreischer]

I think everybody should get Leo's. He. He does pretty well. Ode Adion by Anik Gutal. Hmm.

[Tom Segura]

I got kind of fascinated by it. I was, you know, kind of a cool thing. You know what I was gonna do? I was gonna Escobar wear. Dude, that's the gangsters. You gotta find out what the gangsters wore.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I could not. I could not find out what clone Hitler wore.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Not that I was looking to buy it.

[Leanne Kreischer]

That's. I don't know. That's a weird.

[Tom Segura]

That's.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Oh, that's called Pablo Escoba. That's a different thing. I wonder. Yeah. How about colognes that gangsters wore?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, like.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Let'S see if there's a list of those. No, Dog.

[Tom Segura]

He wears cool water, doesn't he?

[Leanne Kreischer]

Well, in 93 he did, but I don't know about now.

[Tom Segura]

He smells good. I got some. I got some Tom Ford cologne. So I had to go to a Sebastian show. So I was like, I'm going to go buy cologne, put on some Sebastian.

[Leanne Kreischer]

And I was a requirement to walk in.

[Tom Segura]

Well, I was like. I was like, I don't want to be the only one without cologne.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Sure.

[Tom Segura]

That. That. That arena.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Smelled good.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

It's a blend of just. Just all the sense.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Where was it. Where was the show?

[Tom Segura]

The Forum. It was a while ago, and I went up to Sebastian and I was like, hey. He was like, what? And I was like, smell me. He was like, huh? I go, I brought cologne for you. He was like, huh? I go, I work cologne for you because it's your show.

[Leanne Kreischer]

He's like, what are you talking about, Bert?

[Tom Segura]

You bought cologne for my show for me?

[Leanne Kreischer]

I'm not gonna smell you, Bert. This guy put some shoes on. You got flip flops at my show? Um, no. That's pretty cool. So you just took a leisurely trip to Paris.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Must be nice. Must be nice. Oh, very relatable.

[Tom Segura]

Do you worry about your kids? What if they're. What if they're, like rich kids?

[Leanne Kreischer]

I mean, they're such. Just little dudes who don't care. I Mean, they're of an age where they just don't care about anything but like having fun and breaking things. They're just like boys, you know, like, they're just. They're into wreaking havoc. Did I tell you about. Did I show you the text message? No, I got. This is funny. So there's doing some work at the house. So there's been like construction crews there.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Leanne Kreischer]

And the contractor texted me. He goes, everything's okay. This is okay. But I just got to share this. Allegedly, your super human children totaled the porta potty. They ransacked our outside wood storage, pulverized a 50 pound 2 inch stone that we needed to reinstall. There's also three evidence of a fire, three bloody knives, and the toilet seat is gone. So that's my little cool guys. That's what they.

[Tom Segura]

What?

[Leanne Kreischer]

I was like, I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry. He's like, oh, no, we're laughing. It's very funny. But everything's destroyed. They destroyed everything. And then I confronted, I confronted the boys first, Ellis. I was like, hey, man, did you destroy the porta potty and ransack the woods and break this thing? And he goes, it was Julian. I go, really? Your six year old little brother just decided to do that on his own? He goes, I saw it happening, but it was mostly him. I go, oh, mostly? He was like. And he goes, I'm sorry. I may have said for him to do some of those things. I was like, ah, so this was your idea? He goes, no, it was both of ours, but he did most of it.

[Tom Segura]

I'm.

[Leanne Kreischer]

I'm like, cool, man. I go, you know I have to pay for this, right? I'm. I get the bill. He goes, oh, you do?

[Bert Kreischer]

How much?

[Leanne Kreischer]

I was like, thousands of dollars. He's like, no. He goes, we will pay you back. I go, no, you won't. You're not paying me back with what I've given you. No. So, no. But yeah, that's them. That's so. They're just like little dudes is my point. They're. They're not like, you know, that's not great, but they're just like little, you know, they just like to be little boy. They're not into like labels or like things that are nice. They're just into like, can. Can something go? Can they go fast? You know, they're like riding bikes down a hill and they're. He. He took a tricycle down the hill that he's too big for. And the wheels came flying off and he was like, I went so, so fast. Exploded like that's what he's into. It's just being a crazy little kid.

[Tom Segura]

So maybe I'll stay at Charo's house.

[Bert Kreischer]

Please. It is such an ordeal.

[Leanne Kreischer]

I mean, my whole life I've been trying to find the perfect fitting tea. I think we all have.

[Bert Kreischer]

You go through all of them, whether.

[Leanne Kreischer]

You get the packs in stores or.

[Bert Kreischer]

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[Leanne Kreischer]

You can't just take care of the grooming that everybody sees when you walk into the room.

[Bert Kreischer]

You got to trim up the stuff that hopefully they'll see when you shut.

[Leanne Kreischer]

The windows and then lock the door.

[Bert Kreischer]

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[Tom Segura]

Maybe I'll stay at Choro's house.

[Leanne Kreischer]

I was thinking that would be great.

[Tom Segura]

I was thinking about moving to Austin for a month.

[Leanne Kreischer]

They have an extra room I was looking at.

[Tom Segura]

I was like, either do they really?

[Leanne Kreischer]

Yeah. Oh, you'd have a great time. I would love for you to do that. Yeah, I think you would enjoy that.

[Tom Segura]

I'll move in with Charo. I'm gonna do a reality series.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Fucking sign. Sign him up. Let's do it.

[Tom Segura]

I love it. Yeah. I was thinking about, I gotta, I gotta do.

[Leanne Kreischer]

I wonder how long it would take before you actually were like, I think I'm suicidal. I think I wanna actually end my own life.

[Tom Segura]

Really? You don't think it would be the.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Other way around that she would. Yeah, no.

[Tom Segura]

You don't think I drive her nuts?

[Leanne Kreischer]

I don't know, man.

[Tom Segura]

I think I'm an interesting roommate.

[Leanne Kreischer]

I bet you are. What will your dad say?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my. Oh, my. My dad. My fucking what? My dad. My dad doesn't. No, no one, no one gets me. Like, no one understands me. I don't even understand myself. I had like a moment where I said to Leanne, I was like, am I a narcissist? I said this in Paris and she was like, no, you're not a narcissist. I go, would a narcissist know it, though? Like, does a narcissist go like, no, I'm not a fucking narcissist? Or they go, yeah, I'm a narcissist. It's wild.

[Leanne Kreischer]

That's an actually interesting question. I feel like most of the time the person would reject the notion. They would be like, I would, I, I would think so they wouldn't question it. No, I don't. I, I, I think if you said it to somebody who's like, defined that way, they would not see themselves as that. Yeah, See, a narcissist may be aware that others perceive them that way. They do not often see their behavior as problematic and therefore may not consider themselves to be a narcissist. Essentially, they may know their reputation, but not necessarily view their traits as negative, justifying Them as their signs of greatness instead.

[Tom Segura]

I wonder what I have.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Do you? You mean like a behavioral thing? Yeah, like your psychological profile.

[Tom Segura]

Like I said, Leanne got. Got mad at me today. We walked out of couples therapy, and I said. I said, that was a tie. And she went, we can't look at therapy that way. And I was like, I have to, like. And I. Honestly, if I had shut my. I knew I could.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Why do you have to see it that way?

[Tom Segura]

I don't know. I just. It makes it fun for me.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Yeah. Did you enjoy it?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, today I did, but she said, I have such a fucking dysfunctional brain. Our therapist said, you know, just give me a heads up if you ever say that you're gonna harm yourself, you're gonna do drugs, you know, kill yourself, or do you know, I. I've got to report you. And. And then I was like, all right, how do I slide some of this in just to. Just. How close can I get to the fucking. To the fire? Yeah, but it was a good one. Therapy today was a good one.

[Leanne Kreischer]

How about histrionic personalities or hpd? Do you think maybe you have this?

[Tom Segura]

What's that?

[Leanne Kreischer]

Well, here's the symptoms. Attention seeking, being uncomfortable.

[Tom Segura]

Hold on. Go slow. Go slow.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Okay. Being uncomfortable when not the center of attention and acting out to get it.

[Tom Segura]

Everyone shut the fuck up. Okay. Okay, I might have that.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Keep going. Dramatic behavior. Being overly emotional. Dramatic or expressive.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, all right. Keep going. I got that.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Having emotions that change quickly and seem shallow to others.

[Tom Segura]

Like, give me an example.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Well, that. That you could change your emotion from a dramatic, let's say, sadness to excitement to happiness.

[Tom Segura]

I got that. I got that. I got that.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Being overly concerned with physical appearance and using it to draw attention.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, you mean like taking pictures of my dick and posting them on Instagram? Yeah.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Okay. Believing relationships are closer than they are and having difficulty maintaining them.

[Tom Segura]

No, I have a hard time. I have a hard time. I have a hard time maintaining relationships. Do you believe.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Yeah, I think you believe that relationships are closer than they are sometimes. Not like with you and me. I mean, with other people.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I think so. And then I. And I have a hard time replying to people, and I don't text people back or I don't reach out to people.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Being overly sensitive to criticism or disapproval.

[Tom Segura]

Come on. You know, I got that.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Okay. Being easily led by others, especially people they admire.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, God damn it, I got that, too.

[Leanne Kreischer]

I mean, you're kind of checking all the boxes here. Acting inappropriately sexual or provocative to gain attention or approval. No. Speaking dramatically with strong opinions, but few facts or details to support them. I can answer that one for you. Quickly. Tiring of routines, jobs, friends, and romantic partners.

[Tom Segura]

Quickly. What?

[Leanne Kreischer]

Tiring of routines, jobs, friends, and romantic partners.

[Tom Segura]

No, I've been with the same chick for fucking 20 years, and she's just gotten older, so.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Having a low tolerance for frustration or delayed gratification.

[Tom Segura]

Yes, I got that. I'm drinking right now because I'm frustrated.

[Leanne Kreischer]

HPD is often coexistent with other mental conditions, like anxiety.

[Tom Segura]

I got that.

[Leanne Kreischer]

The cause is not entirely known, but can involve abuse, trauma, or neglect, so I got hpv. Well, you might. And that's something that a doctor could check, but you might have hpd.

[Tom Segura]

Histrionic Personality Disorder.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Can we read more about it? Yeah, give me some famous people with histrionics.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Give me some famous people with histrionics.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, like, who else am I like.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Okay, let's see. Who is a famous person with it? Megan Fox, Jessica Simpson. Kim Kardashian. But that's also. That's not. That's just, like, some. That's somebody saying that these people have it.

[Tom Segura]

You know, Kim K. And I are the same.

[Leanne Kreischer]

You guys are the same.

[Tom Segura]

I wonder if we could be friends or if we just, like, drive each other nuts.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Yeah. I don't know. This is like. But this is, like, diagnosing people from afar, you know, saying that.

[Tom Segura]

They say Miley Cyrus has a very obvious case of it.

[Leanne Kreischer]

I don't know.

[Tom Segura]

So is it. Is it just people, like. See, here's the thing I have a hard time with. Okay.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Oh, that's a good group to be involved in. Anna Nicole Smith, Jerry Sandusky, Amber Heard, Megan Fox. Yeah. And Bert Kreischer. Can you guys. Can you get Bert added to this list? Somebody, please have him pull up. Right. Understandusky.

[Tom Segura]

Some have assumed that Mega Fox has HPD based on her symptoms. It's a. It's all hot chicks. I'm a hot chick.

[Leanne Kreischer]

You're kind of a hot chick.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I'm a hot mess.

[Leanne Kreischer]

That's really interesting.

[Tom Segura]

It's kind of good to know what you have.

[Leanne Kreischer]

It is good. Also, is there any treatment for it? It's probably therapy.

[Tom Segura]

No, I don't want treatment. I like me.

[Leanne Kreischer]

That sounds like a very histrionic thing to say.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Like I. I was saying to Leanne, I was like, I don't. Because I can't understand. Like, I never really understood. Like. Like, I asked Ari a question on the podcast we did with him, and I was like, what do you hope to gain out of this special? A special? His Jews coming out on Netflix, too.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Yeah. But he had America's Sweetheart out right now, which is really funny.

[Tom Segura]

His sweetheart is really great, and it's beautiful. But I'm curious because Ari has always said he doesn't want fame, he doesn't want money. So it's like, I've always been honest with what I wanted. Like, I want people to watch my special, lucky, coming out March 18th. I want people to watch it. I want people to watch it because I want to continue doing standup and I want to. I would hope to make money while I do stand up. And I want to travel the world doing stand up. And I like being on stage. I do like being the center of attention, but I understand the person. Like yourself, you don't like being the center of attention, but you have a draw to get on stage.

[Leanne Kreischer]

I don't like being the center of attention off stage. I do like being the center of attention on stage, but.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, so how can you. I would think this. It would go hand in hand, that if you want to be the center of attention, then why. Like, I don't. I can't wrap my head around that. Because I think my whole thing is based around, like, being on stage and being on stage. Like being. Always being on stage, always being.

[Leanne Kreischer]

That's the difference. I just. I have a separation for it. For me, I don't want all the attention when I'm walking around or talking to people or in a restaurant. I don't want to be the center of attention. I. I like being the center attention. When I walk out and I, you know, I just step and grab that mic. I. I want to be the center of attention then. You know, like when I'm taught. When I'm talking to people, it's so.

[Tom Segura]

Interesting to me because I can't imagine. I can't see the juxtaposition, you know? Yeah.

[Leanne Kreischer]

I think for me, it's just when performing, I do want you to focus on me performing, but I don't want it off stage. I don't know.

[Tom Segura]

It's just like, I. I understand.

[Leanne Kreischer]

It feels like too much for me off stage.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, I just see. It never turns off. I just. It's never off. Like, it was. It was kind of interesting. And this sound. This is going to sound. Whatever it's going to sound like it is. Truth is, I didn't get. I got recognized like maybe four times in France and it was kind of cool. I hadn't. Hadn't happened in a while. To know that no one's watching you. Like, it was kind of cool to go somewhere and then you could just. And, like, no one. No one gave a fuck about you, and no one was staring at you.

[Leanne Kreischer]

And it kind of bothers you, too.

[Tom Segura]

No, it didn't bother me. You know what was funny is, I don't know. I get recognized a lot. Like, I think probably more than other people. I don't know why. I think it's because I'm loud and I care. I'm a big guy and I talk.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Loud and I feel energy is also.

[Tom Segura]

Like, look at me a little bit. A little bit. And I saw guys, like, in the States, I can see. I see. If I see a guy, I go, that guy's gonna recognize me. Like, I can see that there's a body type, clothing type, where you go, this guy's going to recognize me.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And I would see those. I would see the type of guy that should recognize me, not recognize me.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And it was kind of, like, caught me off guard the first day. I'd be like, oh, fucking big guy in shorts and cold weather with a fucking hoodie on beard.

[Leanne Kreischer]

He's about to say something.

[Tom Segura]

He's about to say, oh, the machine. Yeah, yeah. And never quit drinking. And he just walked right by me. And I was like, wait, did you want to. I'd walk by him a second time and be like, you sure?

[Leanne Kreischer]

You really do? I don't know if I've ever met anybody who likes it as much as you. You really like it.

[Tom Segura]

And, you know, I think there's a subset of people that find that shameful. They're like, that's kind of gross. But I can't wrap my head around the fact that it's not gross. I can't wrap my head around the fact that people would see that as gross. I go, yeah, but I got on stage. Like, you saw me that. I got on stage. You saw that. I wanted you to pay attention to me there. You know, I'm. It's. I think it's the same part of my personality disorder, the hpv, that.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

That I got. Where I go, yeah. No, it's like, I like when people.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Are like, sounds like you're coming to terms with it.

[Tom Segura]

You know, Ari said, you always make it about yourself and Tom. I couldn't understand what that. I don't know what that sentence means. Like, really? I really don't. And I don't know how I do it. And I said it to Leanne In Paris, we were having. And I said, do I make things about myself? She goes, yeah. And I said, but? Doesn't everyone? And she goes, no. And I was like, but wait, when do I do it? She goes, you're doing it right now. She was like, we're at dinner, and you're saying, do you make things about. You're making this about yourself. I was like, wait. But I'm so confused. I actually was gonna. Cause Joe said it to me before. Joe said it to me before on a podcast. Ari said it to me the other day. So I was like. In my head, I was like, I wonder if they've talked about it behind my back. And I was like. I was like, I might ask my friends to tell me when I'm doing it if. Because if it bothers people, I want to stop.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Oh, it bothers people, but it's. But you really don't know what. What that means. Like, what? You don't understand what they're saying.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know what that means. Like, I. I don't understand. I don't.

[Leanne Kreischer]

It means that, like, somebody is saying, you know, making an observation, telling a story, and then that your, like, what you do instinctively is go, here's what happened to me one time. So in their mind, they're telling the thing that happened to them, and you're pivoting it to something about you. So it's about.

[Tom Segura]

I did that today. I just did that to you.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Sure. When? Right now.

[Tom Segura]

You said, it's so funny. It's such a natural part of my personality.

[Bert Kreischer]

It is.

[Leanne Kreischer]

It's part of your personality.

[Tom Segura]

You told me about your radial nerve damage, and I immediately told you about me going to the dentist.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, I mean, I don't know.

[Tom Segura]

I consider that talking.

[Leanne Kreischer]

I know you do.

[Tom Segura]

People not do that sometimes.

[Leanne Kreischer]

And I, like, you're not, like, alone in that. No, a lot of people do that. I mean, I've done.

[Tom Segura]

What are you supposed to do? You're supposed to just go, like, that's cool.

[Leanne Kreischer]

I think they would, like, some people would say, well, focus on that person telling that story. Ask them questions about the store. Like, make it about them. And then there could be, like, a natural time to make it about, okay, do it again.

[Tom Segura]

Tell me another story. And I'm gonna make it not about me.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Okay, tell me a story.

[Tom Segura]

I did it. When you said your. Your kids. I, I, I, I just. I. I don't even know I'm doing it.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Yeah, I believe you. I believe you. I think, I mean, your Natural instinct is to, like, hear something and go, what's my version of that? Or I have something to say about that right here. What does it say? How to stop talking about yourself.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, that's not good for though.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Well, if you're using the words I, me, and my in your conversation, you may not be having a conversation. You may only be talking about yourself. Actively concentrate on this when you're speaking to others. After all, the only way to stop a behavior is to recognize it. An exception would be statements such as, I agree or I hear what you're saying. A great way to remember this is to keep a rubber band around your wrist. Every time you catch yourself using those words, snap the rubber band. Start practicing these steps. When conversing with others, ask them if you to tell you if you've missed a step. Most friends will be supportive.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, tell me a story. Tell me a story.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Okay, hold on. Let me tell you a story.

[Tom Segura]

So wait. Okay, I'm gonna start and I'll just ask you a question.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

So I saw the. Oh, fuck. I saw. God damn it.

[Leanne Kreischer]

You can say that.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Okay. I saw the clip of Charo on this morning.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Oh, my God.

[Tom Segura]

On. How's it been having her in Austin? Because I'm so curious.

[Leanne Kreischer]

It's. She is. It's. Man, she's one of a kind. She's hilarious. She's a handful. She is. That day she came on the podcast that came out, she came on, she ate an edible. She drank, I don't know, a couple glasses of wine. My mom only drinks decaf coffee, and she drank five cups of coffee, regular coffee on that podcast. Five. Five full mugs of coffee.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Leanne Kreischer]

Five. In, like 90 minutes. It was. She was just all over the map in just the most unpredictable, volatile, hilarious, and mind bending way. I mean, she was. Yeah, she was, like, shot out of a cannon. And no, she's. She's a lot of fun. But. Yeah, you know, she's a lot. Dude, my mom's a lot.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, people. Sounds really good. That was good. Okay, we're done with your story. So let me explain to you what happens when I'm listening, because now that when you say, yeah, I do not listen to people.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I am not. Okay. I think I figured. I think I figured out how to do this.

[Leanne Kreischer]

So is the thing that in your mind when you're listening, you're like, I just. I don't want. I want this to be done so I can talk.

[Tom Segura]

No, no, no. I hear things you say and I think and I immediately. Internalize it about how have I experienced something like that?

[Leanne Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So you said, my mom ate edibles and had three glasses of red wine. And as I'm listening, I'm telling you everything you said as you said it. What I thought I said, God, man, I think it would be fun living with Charo. And then you said, my mom only drinks decaf coffee. And I said, I hate decaf coffee, but I can't drink a lot of coffee. And you said, she had five cups of regular coffee. And then I wanted to tell you about the time that I had five espresso shots and threw up all night. And then you said. You said the last thing you said about her, and I was like. And I wanted to tell you about her eating edibles. Then I wanted to tell you about the story of when my dad ate edibles recently and go like, what's going on with our parents that they're eating edibles now at the age. Is it about depression or whatever? So when I hear a story when someone talks to me, I internalize it. Of a throwback, almost.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Yeah. I think some of that feels like. Like you don't want to listen, though. Like. Like. Like if you were to just listen, like, sit back and listen, like, that would make you anxious. Almost like it makes you anxious to just listen to the person because you're like, I have to relate it to something that I know. Right?

[Tom Segura]

Do you think it's part of my social anxiety? Because I don't. I can't. I'm not comfortable being in a car with a. With a stranger because I'm not comfortable with silence. Silence makes me very uncomfortable.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Holy shit.

[Tom Segura]

So, like. And when we were in Paris, Pete, my Peter. Peter set me up with a trainer. Cause we're doing the bench press competition, sent me with a trainer at the Louvre.

[Leanne Kreischer]

At the art museum.

[Tom Segura]

No. Yeah, it's the Louvre. Like, not Planet Fitness, but the Louvre. It's. What do they call, like, Cross trainer? Cross. Cross.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

And I had. I mean, I was. I had horrible anxiety about the idea that I had to be with someone I didn't know for about an hour. Really? It was. Oh, it was. Dude. It was. It kept me up. It kept me up at night, and it. And it made me sick in the morning. And I was like, fuck. And then they texted, are you coming in at noon? And I was like, oh, my God. I was having so much panic about it.

[Leanne Kreischer]

And then. How did it go?

[Tom Segura]

It was great. But, man, I fucking talked. That guy did not say one goddamn word. I talked the Whole fucking time. And I'm. Because I'm so nervous about silence. It makes me so anxious.

[Leanne Kreischer]

That makes sense as, like. Cause you talk a lot. In general terms. You always talk a lot.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I do talk a lot, but I talk a lot because I think silence makes me uncomfortable. And if I can be silent around you, that means I really like you.

[Leanne Kreischer]

So you. You can be silent, like, around you.

[Tom Segura]

And around Leanne and the kids. My kids. I can be silent around. I'm. It's not everyone I can be silent around, Peter, but a lot of people.

[Leanne Kreischer]

What makes you anxious about. Like, why can't you be silent around other people? You think?

[Tom Segura]

I feel like I'm letting them down? Like, I feel like they're. I feel like they wanted to have a conversation and I just didn't deliver. Like, I always. I've said this to you. I've. I've always admired how you can not talk to people.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Oh, and by the way, I have sense that I'm letting them down. And then I'm like, let them down. I. I want to. I want them to walk away being like, God, that was so fucking. He didn't say anything. Yeah, that's. That's exactly right.

[Tom Segura]

Do you know, I had a friend one time. I won't say his name, but he was a friend. I mean, I lived with him at one point, and we moved to LA together, like, around the same time he moved out. Yeah, same time. And we were on the beach in la, and he said, yeah, my brother's coming out here. And I said, you have a brother? And he goes, you've known me for five years. You didn't know how to brother. I was like, well, you never talked about him. He goes, no, you never let me talk about it.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Wow.

[Tom Segura]

And I was like, oh, yeah. I never asked any questions. His brother was a bodybuilder. And I was like, well, you have a brother who's a bodybuilder.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Five years in.

[Tom Segura]

Five years, probably more. And I realized I don't do that. I just don't. And then sometimes I like, wait, Lorenzo's brother's a bodybuilder?

[Leanne Kreischer]

No, it wasn't Lorenzo.

[Tom Segura]

Lorenzo was like, me. Lorenzo couldn't shut up either.

[Leanne Kreischer]

I remember that.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, he was, in a good way. But, like, we were both the same kind of like, just nervous. It's like, nervous. I don't know, Like. And I think it ha. I know mine has to do with social anxiety.

[Leanne Kreischer]

You know, to be fair to you. To be fair to you.

[Tom Segura]

Thank you.

[Leanne Kreischer]

I think some of my not talking is a version of anxiety manifesting itself, too. You know what I mean?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Leanne Kreischer]

In certain situations, I just rather not talk.

[Tom Segura]

There's also. It also has to do with. Wait, hold on. You don't want to talk? Or you.

[Leanne Kreischer]

I'm saying. Look, there's sometimes where I'm very comfortable just not speaking. Right. Like, just naturally not. I'm fine with it. But I'm saying there are certain situations where I might have some anxiety and my way of dealing with it. Whereas you would speak more. My way of dealing with that would be to not speak that.

[Tom Segura]

You know, I mean, I wish I had that.

[Leanne Kreischer]

So I'm nervous, and I'm just not going to talk.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I. I wish I could. I remember when I first got in the business, my manager at the time, Barry Katz, said, get information, don't give it. And I got a development deal for, like, I don't know, like, $100,000 or something, maybe a little more. And he said, do not tell anyone that you got a development deal, and don't tell anyone how much money it was. And I was like, really? He goes, get information. Do not give it. These comics will not like you if they find out that you made $125,000 or whatever on a development deal with Willow Smith. Trust me. And I couldn't understand that someone wasn't rooting for someone. Like, I couldn't get it. And the very first person that came up, as I still work the door at the Boston Comedy Club, the very first person that came up was Patrice O'Neill. And he said, I heard you got a deal. And I said, nah. And he goes, yeah, you got a deal. And I said, yeah, I did. And I was like, fuck, I shouldn't have said that. And he goes, how much? I go, eh. And he goes, 100,000. And I went, no. And he goes, less. I went, no. And he goes, more. Okay, 125. And I went, yeah. He just walked away. And I was like, God damn it. I did everything Barry said not to do. I did it so quickly. Yeah. I. I can't keep my mouth shut.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Yeah. This is not. This is not new.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, I know, but I'm. It's new to me.

[Leanne Kreischer]

How's it new to you?

[Tom Segura]

I don't realize I'm doing it.

[Leanne Kreischer]

You have to recognize you're doing it.

[Tom Segura]

No, I'm recognized now that I'm doing it. But I didn't realize, like, when Ari said, you. You. You make everything about yourself, I was so confused. I was so confused. By that statement.

[Leanne Kreischer]

But that means Leanne said that a lot. She said that a lot. I've heard her say, like.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Leanne Kreischer]

That whole time.

[Tom Segura]

Listen to her.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Is this what, like, the therapy's about? Is this why it doesn't tie?

[Tom Segura]

No, dude. I go in with a game plan.

[Leanne Kreischer]

You do?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Leanne Kreischer]

You're like, I'm gonna win today.

[Tom Segura]

Dude, we didn't have anything to talk about today. And I was like, I'll bring up a fight that I won. Put her in the weeds.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Leanne got on her heels a little bit, and then I was like. I was like, ah, I'll get her out. I. I'll. You know. Yeah. I. I'll walk out with a tie on this one.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Yeah. Felt you were okay with that.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And we're doing in person therapy, which I've never done.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Productive.

[Tom Segura]

I don't even think. I don't think the. I just had a hint today that the therapist may not own the house we go to therapy in.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Like, rents out the space.

[Tom Segura]

Rents out the back space as an office.

[Leanne Kreischer]

That's not unheard of, though.

[Tom Segura]

I. But I need to profile my therapist a little more.

[Leanne Kreischer]

You don't like that?

[Tom Segura]

No. Here. Okay, so if I. Okay, maybe this goes into my h. My HPB or whatever. If I go to your house. If I go to your house, I Zillow it, Right? If I go to anyone's house, I Zillow it. And so I Zillowed the house. And I was like, this is nice. Like this. You know, this is so in my head, I go, we got a good therapist. They got a nice house, nice area. Town.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And I was like, nice. And then we went to therapy. I hope my therapist doesn't hear this. No way.

[Leanne Kreischer]

They could.

[Tom Segura]

And then. And we'd go to therapy is like our second one at their house. And as I'm leaving the back house, we come out, the front door opens, and I hear a woman's voice, and I go, it's too quick for my therapist to get from that room to that room. Who the is this? And then I was like, oh, what a slick move as a therapist. Rent out a back house in a nice house, and everyone's gonna think you're a good therapist.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Oh, I see.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I do too much, Matt. I think I could have been like a. Like a. Worked for the CIA and found two.

[Leanne Kreischer]

I don't think that would be a thing.

[Tom Segura]

I could have totally.

[Leanne Kreischer]

No, don't think so.

[Tom Segura]

Do you Zillow people's houses?

[Leanne Kreischer]

No. No, never. When they. I mean, I've been on Zillow to look at houses, but I've never been like, where do you live? And Zillowed it.

[Tom Segura]

No, like if someone sends, someone goes, hey man, I want to send you a whatchamacallit. Or hey, can you like someone, someone just said this to me. Okay, send it to this address, right? And so I was like, sure. And then I Zillowed it and I was like, nice. And then sometimes people go, hey, send me your address so I can mail you something. And, and I'll send them the Zillow link to my house. Cut. Cut it in half, man. I know you're going to Zillow it. Here you go.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Are you serious?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I'll send you the Zillow to my house.

[Leanne Kreischer]

You're like, ah, doing all right. Check this out.

[Tom Segura]

The first one. First one that ever. The first time I ever did it.

[Leanne Kreischer]

You're insane.

[Tom Segura]

Anyone? I. I did it as a joke. Not as a joke, but I. Someone said, hey, what's your address? It was when we were back at. And I was like. And then, then I go. I paid 520 for it. Just wrote that in the thing. I was like, I'll save you. And then I just started sending the Zillow. The Zillow link.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Hilarious. Let me pause for a second. I got a piss so bad.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, cool. Pete, get me another drink.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Such a remarkable pee. Jesus.

[Tom Segura]

I had, I had roughly 1, 2. So I had roughly 160 snails while I was in France.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Wait, did you do anything cultural there?

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Wait, what did you do?

[Tom Segura]

I mean, I was rude to people. Is that cultural?

[Leanne Kreischer]

That's sort. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

No, we went to. First day, we went to. I. We went to the Eiffel Tower.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

We went to the Notre Dame.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Okay, that's. Yeah, that's. Cultural. Touristy.

[Tom Segura]

And then we walked to the Arc de Triomphe and it's pretty much. It went down the Champs de Lazer and we walked to the Louvre. Didn't go in the Louvre because I was like, I don't.

[Leanne Kreischer]

So chaotic.

[Tom Segura]

I have no fucking interest in art. Like, I'd much rather walk around the outside of the Louvre. It's so beautiful, that palace. And because I don't know, nature for me is more impressive than art. Have you been to France?

[Leanne Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

What did you, what did you do when you went to Paris.

[Leanne Kreischer]

The last time I was there, which was two years ago. Yeah. Took walks in the city, went to the Louvre. Did like the fast track one where you see like 10 significant pieces. Went to Another art museum to see a different exhibit and then. Yeah, I mean, went to different restaurants, but I mean, I was there on tour, but I had off days, so I. I did do. Yeah, there I am. That's me in Paris. That's where I got the. The jacket that everyone's talking about. So. Yeah, I mean, you know, it's different than like, just a social visit, but I still managed to go to a couple museums. I'll say this, though, that, like, the Louvre, like, when you are in there, even with like the fast pass thing where they do that, it is so. It's like a terminal at the airport. It is so crazy the amount of traffic that's going on at that. At that museum, which is. I mean, I understand why it's. It's gotten incredible exhibits, but it is chaotic. It's so much.

[Tom Segura]

I saw the Mona Lisa when I was in college. I saw the Mona Lisa and I was not impressed.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

No, So I was like.

[Leanne Kreischer]

It was going with a guide. Like, the guide explaining the Mona Lisa is.

[Tom Segura]

It's.

[Leanne Kreischer]

It changes the experience when they start telling you about how, like, when it was, the story behind it, and then like, the theories on what is. On what is actually happening in that painting, that changes the experience, I think.

[Tom Segura]

Wait, I don't know any of those.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Well, I mean, you. You know, it talks about obviously the famous smirk and, and how it's basically. I mean, there was a theory picture.

[Tom Segura]

Of the Mona Lisa. While you guys are telling me this. Keep going.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Well, he talks about how, like, let's see, there was. You know, this is like a theory that it's a woman who's dealing with her aging and how the. The river flowing from behind signifies the youth into the older age. You know, I can't do justice to the explanation. But, like, when. When you're there and this person is going over every detail and like, what could be possibly happening in it, it's like, you know, it's an expert telling you their theory on it. So that part made looking at it a lot more interesting because there's somebody who's really, really explaining to you. I can't do it because I obviously don't remember every detail.

[Tom Segura]

But. But I, I don't. What, like, what is the. I mean, like, why is that such a good painting? Like, I don't. I can't. I don't. Can't understand how that is better than, like, Thomas Kincaid, you know?

[Leanne Kreischer]

Well, I mean, Bob Ross. It's, It's. It's subjective. I mean, it's. You you can actually totally, rightfully think that something's better than that. But, yeah, there's a fascination with this one for sure. I mean, that. That subtle smirk of hers is like something that. And, you know, you can see it in the eyes and the. In the. And the lips. But, you know, there's. Well, I mean, you can hit that. There's details there that maybe. Maybe some of this will bring up what they told me. Well, obviously, it being painted by Da Vinci probably makes it a pretty attractive, appealing piece of art too, you know, because of his legacy.

[Tom Segura]

It's like when people said. Like when people said the movie that Kevin Spacey was in, where the bag was flying, where the bat was flying. And west. West.

[Leanne Kreischer]

American Beauty.

[Tom Segura]

American Beauty. Everyone's like, this is the greatest movie ever. And I was like, it was okay, but it's like, I didn't think it was better than, like, Caddyshack, you know, Like, I didn't like. Yeah, like, other movies came out that year that I was like, I think that's better. Like, I think that year. I want to say that, Like, I thought. I'll say really, honestly, I think the Butterfly effect is better than that one.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Really?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I mean, I. I like time travel movies, though. But, like, I. I never. I just. It's. Sometimes it's like they go, this is the great. Like, you look at the Oscar or the Golden Globes the other day, and I was like. I was like, I didn't see any of those movies.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Yeah, it's. It feels like it's not as. Like it used to be the way that cinema would dominate culture. It doesn't feel the same anymore.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I wish I'd had a guide with me on our tour in France. I think it would have been more fun because I just was with Leanne and I mean, I love. I love Leanne, but know what I'm going to say is going to sound shitty, but she really is like a country bumpkin. And she walks into a place, she goes, oh, my God, what's this? And I'm like, shh, keep it down. Like. Like, what do you. Like, she walked in, we walked out to the outside of the Louvre. No, I think the palace was Louis the fifteenth's palace or something.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And she's like, oh, my God, whose is it? What is this? I don't even know what this is. What am I looking at right now is them pyramids. And I'm like, hey, keep it. Like, I wish I had a guide. And then I go, babe, I don't you don't think I have the. You don't think I have the answer? I go, you can Google it just as easily as I can. We walked up to Notre Dame, and she goes, how old is this? What are those statues? And I was like, google it. Google it. Fucking Google it. And don't yell it out loud. Everyone's. We're gonna get pickpocketed by a goddamn fucking gypsy. But because you're fucking letting everyone know we're not locals. And then we walked through the Notre Dame, and the whole time she's like, is that Jesus? And I was like, I'm sure it is. It's a fucking church.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Yeah, we're in Jesus.

[Tom Segura]

I guarantee you a couple of them are Jesus. Yeah. How did this catch on fire? What's old? What's new? I don't understand. And I was like, google it.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Nothing beats when she saw the magician, though. That was the greatest. Nah, nah, just a trick. You're doing a trick right now? Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

This isn't real. It's a trick. And we're like, yeah. None of us thought he was magic, man. That was her whole. The whole time within Paris, she'd be like, what is this? How old is this? This is crazy. No, no, that's why I took her.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Oh.

[Tom Segura]

She'd never been to Paris, so I bought her for Christmas present. I bought her. I bought her the trip to Paris. Then the week before Tom, I had decided.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Did you get her tracksuit?

[Tom Segura]

No, I did get her tracksuit.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Oh.

[Tom Segura]

I did. Did you get your present yet? No, hasn't arrived. Okay. You're gonna love it. You're gonna love.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Okay, cool.

[Tom Segura]

And by the way, I'm noticing when I'm doing it and I'm trying to stop doing it. Okay. Just like I'm noticing it. Hey, do you think Bobby's got the same thing I have?

[Leanne Kreischer]

Bobby Lee?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Bobby Lee doesn't listen.

[Leanne Kreischer]

That's a good one. He's definitely has something going on. Yeah, I'm sure he has. I think he has multiple disorders, but nope.

[Tom Segura]

So I. The week before. The week before we went to Paris, I decided to get off social media. 100 wouldn't. Didn't get on Instagram once. Not once? Not when you were there. No. Hold on.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Oh.

[Tom Segura]

So like, the week before, and then as we were getting ready to get. As we were getting in the car to go to Paris, I was like, you know, I'm gonna check. I'm gonna check social media. I haven't been on it. And I checked it a little Bit. And then we got on the plane and I was like, that's cool, man. I've been off social media for, like, five days or maybe four days, and I was, like, really happy. And then I said, you know what? We're in. We're in Paris. I'm allowed to eat bread and I can be on social media, Tom. It's like, you know when people diet and then they gain more weight than they normally had. I had 16 hours of screen time. One time, one day, I was on my phone, I would fucking. I was on the Eiffel Tower, and I just find myself getting on Instagram. I'm in the Eiffel Tower and I'm just, like, getting on Instagram to scroll.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Looking at stuff.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, looking at stuff. And I'm. And it's like. It's a fucking illness. I think there's. I think it's so bad. I really think. Can I tell you, I had this insight that, like, do you remember A Clockwork Orange where they, in order to brainwash him, they keep his eyes open and then they show him different images. They've got me doing it to myself. I'm doing it to myself. I'm doing A Clockwork Orange to myself. I'm just scrolling and going like, tom, I'm finding people interesting that have 70 followers. There's 70 followers. They've got. No, they're not.

[Leanne Kreischer]

And you follow them.

[Tom Segura]

And I just. Yeah, and I follow them. I'm like, that fucking. It's fascinating. That woman is cutting out sugar. She's three days in. She's shaking. This is an amazing story. I sent a guy to you today that I was like, can I tell you why I sent you that guy? Did you see get that guy?

[Leanne Kreischer]

I don't think so.

[Tom Segura]

I sent you a link to a guy, and I'll tell you his name because I was so amazed at how much positive feedback. His name's Igor. It's Igor Chudoskino. And he's just like. It's like a thing of him with a loaf of bread.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Oh, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Drinking milk. And the comments. 7,000 comments, 350,000 views. And they're all positive. And you're like, what the fuck? How does this guy get so much love on the Internet? I'll tell you what, I'm going back into my comments. I'm gonna start reading comments again.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's great.

[Tom Segura]

That's how bad I've been on the Internet.

[Leanne Kreischer]

So you're gonna start diving in on that now?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I just started like. I was like, I Was like, I stopped reading comments because I was like. I was, like, afraid I'd see a bad one. And then I was like, I see bad ones anyway. Like, I don't even need to be on the Internet, and I'll see a bad one.

[Leanne Kreischer]

How does that happen?

[Tom Segura]

I go to the fucking. This happened the other day. Not the other day. It was actually a while ago. But I go to this. The heart button, you know, And I go to hit the heart to see, you know, if, like, anything and one of the comments was a negative comment. I'm like, God damn it. I'm not even in the comments. So then I was like, fuck it. I'm reading comments again. I'm going back to comments. I'm getting back on the Internet full blown. I'm fucking. I'm like, I'm done, man. I'm done. I want the Quickening. I want the Quickening, and I want it over now. I want to be brainwashed.

[Leanne Kreischer]

I want to be manic Episode.

[Tom Segura]

The Chinese can have my brain. I'll do whatever they want.

[Leanne Kreischer]

What?

[Tom Segura]

Just give me my TikTok.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Okay, you sound, like, manic.

[Tom Segura]

I know. I'm coming to a lot of realizations about myself. It's crazy that 52. I'd start.

[Leanne Kreischer]

What's the other realization?

[Tom Segura]

Well, the realization that I got hpb. Yeah. The realization that I do pretty much make everything about myself and that I didn't even know I did it, and I didn't even know how to stop it.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Well, I think awareness is a big first step.

[Tom Segura]

The fact that I'm wildly nervous that a conversation will end. Like, all I do. All I do is think of how to perpetuate a conversation, like, how to keep it going.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Yeah, that makes sense.

[Tom Segura]

It's almost like keeping a balloon in the air.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Yeah, that sounds like you.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. So I'm changing. I'm putting over. I'm pulling over a new leaf. You'll be shocked.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Be shocked.

[Leanne Kreischer]

I'll be shocked.

[Tom Segura]

I think you're gonna be blown away by the new bird.

[Leanne Kreischer]

You think so?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. You know what I did the other day? I bought a thousand pennies, and I'm just throwing around the city. So people see a penny and they go, oh, good luck. And then it's like just a little treat for everyone. I'm throwing them everywhere. I just throw them out the car windows. Just throw them.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Just throw them out the window.

[Tom Segura]

If I put them in front of people's cars, I throw them in front of people's cars. So we all go, do you deliberately.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Do heads up or.

[Tom Segura]

No, no, I just toss them. I just. Yeah. How much. How many. How many dollars do you think a thousand pennies is.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Really. Isn't it? $10.

[Tom Segura]

It's done.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I thought it was going to be. I thought it was gonna be a hundred dollars. I was like, I go get me a thousand pennies. And they're like, really? And I was like, I don't care how much it is. And it was $10.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You know what? I. And this is how fucking this is. Whatever's broken with my brain is, I know there's really expensive pennies out there. So then I got a penny. I got a penny, a coin app. And I scan every penny before I throw it out the window to see if it's worth anything.

[Leanne Kreischer]

You are the mental patient, man.

[Tom Segura]

The most expensive penny I've gotten is worth 29 cents. But I can't imagine someone would give me 29 cents for that penny.

[Leanne Kreischer]

So you throw it out.

[Tom Segura]

I threw it out.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

It was. And it was a fairly recent penny.

[Leanne Kreischer]

What if it was, like, $6,000? You would keep that one, right?

[Tom Segura]

There's one that's. There's one I saw on the app that was worth $7,000. Wow. So I was like, well, I'm not gonna. Like, what's so special about it? I don't know. It's like. It's like a buffalo penny. Like, you got. You got a buffalo on it. It's a really valuable penny. Whatever. I got one from 1983, and I thought it was gonna be worth a lot of money because it's 1983, and they're like, nah, they made 6 million of these that year. Like, there's. They're all over the place.

[Leanne Kreischer]

What are like, oh, There you go. $7,000 penny.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Is it the one with the buffalo on it?

[Leanne Kreischer]

Oh, man. Let's see.

[Tom Segura]

So, yeah, so I'm gonna go through. And what I was thinking about is making Peter go through and scan all my pennies. Scan a thousand pennies?

[Leanne Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I take pictures of every. I have thrown out 50 pennies so far, and I have 50 pictures of 50 pennies.

[Leanne Kreischer]

You took pictures of all of them?

[Tom Segura]

I take pictures. You have to. You have to take a picture of them for what? For on the app.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Oh, for the app. Jesus Christ.

[Tom Segura]

Wait, which one? What am I looking for? What year is that? The coin has no mint mark due to the.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Yeah, no mint mark is a big deal, I guess.

[Tom Segura]

What's a mint mark?

[Leanne Kreischer]

It looks like it's a letter that stamped on the coins, that knows. Let you know it was where it was minted. P means the coin was minted in Philadelphia. D. Denny.

[Tom Segura]

A lot of them in Denver. A lot of them in Denver.

[Leanne Kreischer]

So this one is missing the mint mark and, man, 1983 penny.

[Tom Segura]

I just threw one of those out the window today.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Could it be the one Leanne thought?

[Tom Segura]

Leanne's like, you're the dumbest person in the world. She was mocking me for throwing pennies out the window.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Well, you're giving people good luck.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Don't you. When you see a penny and you pick it up, don't you go like, hey, good luck. I'm My way.

[Leanne Kreischer]

It's pretty exciting. How do you sell your penny, though?

[Tom Segura]

How do you. I don't know. I got one. The most expensive penny I've gotten is worth 29 cents. It tells you I got. Most pennies are worth 2 cents. Oh, here, let me. I'll go to my coin thing. Yeah, this one was worth 2 cents. Let me see. Oh, look at this one.

[Leanne Kreischer]

This means that some wants this penny, though. Some guy is like, you got that penny, I'll give you seven grand for it. It's like, fuck are you doing, man? That's what you value.

[Tom Segura]

It's the same thing as the Mona Lisa. Like, there was a. I was watching a TV show on Netflix and there was a Honus Swagner trading card. And I was like, wow, that's fucking valuable. And Pete was watching it, and he goes, who gives a shit about that? And I go, I would. He was like, yeah, but it's worthless to me. It's the same thing as Bitcoin or dogecoin or Hawk to a girl. Hawk to a coin. What is it? Is she going to jail?

[Leanne Kreischer]

Coin jail?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, she. She got. Hawk 2 is going to jail, I think.

[Leanne Kreischer]

For what?

[Tom Segura]

For fraud.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Okay?

[Tom Segura]

And talk about. Talk about. Talk about the way the universe works. Yeah, talk about the way the universe works. Here's what's crazy. This is my hawk to a rant, okay? I was thinking about this the other night. She gets famous for. For basically. For lack of better words, for just being some clueless blonde. Some clueless drunk blonde. And people start hating on her. Yeah. It's like, you gotta spit on that thing. And so some street interview gets her famous, and people start hating on her because she's famous. And they. I don't know why, but she gets famous from it. What's crazy is, like, you can't. You can't take the. What is it you can't take the kid out of the dumb. Out of the blonde or whatever. You can't. So what happens is someone smarter than her says, how do we take advantage of this kid? And that's what they did. They just took advantage of. She just. She's always been what she said she was.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

She's like, yeah, I'm just here to party. I just want to have a good time.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And then these guys that are smarter than her go, yeah, we can help you. Why don't we help you?

[Leanne Kreischer]

You want us to go crypto? Yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And then she's like, I'll do it. That sounds like fun. We just going to make money. And you're like, yeah. And they're like, okay. And then that is the fucking. She's never been anything but exactly what.

[Leanne Kreischer]

She'S your hawk to. It sounds a lot like Leanne, Just.

[Tom Segura]

So Leanne's a little bit of a hawk to her.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Except Leanne would never. My spit ain't slippery like your spit. I know.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Okay. All right. Well, I think we learned a lot this episode.

[Tom Segura]

I think we did.

[Leanne Kreischer]

I feel like this was a pretty good session.

[Tom Segura]

Am I just in therapy?

[Leanne Kreischer]

This is definitely a therapy session, for sure.

[Tom Segura]

But did I make this episode all about myself?

[Leanne Kreischer]

100, but. But it was productive, and I feel like, you know, we.

[Tom Segura]

Donna Rollins is calling.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Oh, okay.

[Tom Segura]

Pass. He probably wants to talk about Juneteenth already. Yeah, it's coming up. He's got a big Juneteenth party he's got planned.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Oh, really?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Leanne Kreischer]

You gonna go?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I'll be late.

[Leanne Kreischer]

You want to sign off with your regular Nazi salute or how do you want to do it?

[Tom Segura]

Did you see. Do you see Elon's just. Thank you from the bottom of my.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Yeah, of course. He's just autistic.

[Tom Segura]

He's just. Even the videos of him just going, like, in the thing. He's just. Can you imagine how his brain must go all day long?

[Leanne Kreischer]

Yeah, he's a weirdo. It's bizarre.

[Tom Segura]

All right, we're going to a fancy Hollywood party, me and you, tonight.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Okay, let's go.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. Well, thank you guys for watching, everyone.

[Leanne Kreischer]

Thank you for listening. We'll see you guys next week.

[Tom Segura]

One goes topless while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories, and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean. Here's what we call two bears, one cave.