Dr. Phil Makes Bert Cry | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Dr. Phil Makes Bert Cry" | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Released on November 18, 2024, by YMH Studios, "2 Bears, 1 Cave" features comedian best friends Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer engaging in their trademark humorous banter. In the episode titled "Dr. Phil Makes Bert Cry," the dynamic duo delves into personal anecdotes, relationship dynamics, memory quirks, and life reflections, all while maintaining their signature comedic flair.

---

1. Personal Challenges and Relationship Dynamics

The episode kicks off with Bert expressing a personal moment he's navigating. He humorously references his current partner, Tom's "ski chalet" purchases in Switzerland, symbolizing their relationship's playful and adventurous nature.

Bert (00:12):
"I am going through a moment. My current partner, Tom's Gura, is looking at ski chalets in Switzerland. Purchasing."

The conversation soon shifts to discussing fidelity and different forms of cheating, blending candid revelations with comedic undertones.

Tom (00:40):
"Did you ever cheat on your wife?"

Bert (00:43):
"I've done the porn cheating, and I'm not done."

---

2. Memory Lapses and Birthday Reflections

Bert candidly shares his struggle with remembering his own birthdays, outlining a limited recollection of only 11 birthdays, causing him to reflect on aging and personal milestones.

Bert (02:56):
"I tried to remember all the birthdays that I could out of all of them. And I could only remember 11 birthdays. And I realized that's really sad."

Tom responds with empathy, highlighting the importance of celebrating personal milestones and the joy they bring.

Tom (04:44):
"I love that you took time to make sure that on certain birthdays you weren't going to forget."

---

3. Contemplations on Death and Aging

The duo engages in a darkly humorous discussion about the phenomenon of people dying on their birthdays. They explore the idea with a mix of skepticism and wit, contemplating the implications and even musing about fictional scenarios involving serial killers.

Tom (05:21):
"I think dying on your birthday is... definitely is a way. Look, Betty White passed away from what? Just being old and cool."

Bert (06:37):
"That would be a cool serial killer. If you killed people on their birthdays, that's a great."

---

4. Parenting and Personal Growth

Bert opens up about his relationship with his daughters, Georgia and Isla, emphasizing the positive impact they've had on his growth as a father. He credits therapy and intentional parenting for strengthening their bond.

Bert (28:35):
"I'm grateful for both my daughters, Georgia and Isla. I have such a great relationship with them."

Tom (29:00):
"Shout out to Dana, by the way. But, but there's a time and a place to celebrate your friends."

---

5. Comedy, Jokes, and Lighthearted Banter

True to their comedic roots, Tom and Bert share a series of jokes and humorous stories, ranging from awkward childhood memories to amusing takes on everyday situations.

Tom (33:15):
"The first time I saw someone squirted was in my living room."

Bert (34:15):
"I walked around with Judy Blume books all through fifth grade because I wanted to look like one of the girls to talk to me."

---

6. Reflections on Life and Fulfillment

Bert discusses his journey toward finding fulfillment beyond career achievements. He expresses a desire to embrace life more fully, letting go of excessive social media use and focusing on personal happiness.

Bert (28:35):
"I was just lost. And my daughters were gone, and I woke up on my birthday and I said that I'm gonna be the happiest I can be."

Tom (24:30):
"Nothing in moderation. Do it. You're going to die anyway one day. You might as well have fun as totally while you're alive."

---

7. Upcoming Projects and Future Plans

Towards the end of the episode, Tom promotes his upcoming Netflix special, teasing surprises and highlighting the collaborative spirit of their shows.

Tom (56:07):
"Tell me about the Netflix special."

Bert (63:31):
"I love you to death."

Tom (63:34):
"Happy birthday, dude. Here's another 48."

---

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Bert on Memory Lapses:
  "I tried to remember all the birthdays that I could out of all of them. And I could only remember 11 birthdays. And I realized that's really sad." [02:38]

• Tom on Celebrating Birthdays:
  "I love that you took time to make sure that on certain birthdays you weren't going to forget." [04:44]

• Bert on Serial Killers:
  "That would be a cool serial killer. If you killed people on their birthdays, that's a great." [06:37]

• Bert on Parenting:
  "I'm grateful for both my daughters, Georgia and Isla. I have such a great relationship with them." [28:35]

• Tom on Living Fully:
  "Nothing in moderation. Do it. You're going to die anyway one day. You might as well have fun as totally while you're alive." [24:30]

• Bert on Personal Fulfillment:
  "I was just lost. And my daughters were gone, and I woke up on my birthday and I said that I'm gonna be the happiest I can be." [28:35]

---

Conclusion

In "Dr. Phil Makes Bert Cry," Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer offer listeners a blend of heartfelt conversation and uproarious comedy. They navigate through personal revelations, life’s complexities, and the enduring bond of friendship, all while keeping the atmosphere light and engaging. This episode serves as both a humorous and introspective journey, characteristic of what fans have come to love about "2 Bears, 1 Cave."

Transcript

[A]

The big game weekend just got even bigger.

[B]

Oh, you want to add drugs and alcohol.

[A]

Okay. Your boy Burt Kreischer is coming to New Orleans, Saturday, February 8th. He's bringing Nikki Glazer, Tony Hinchcliffe, and Adam Ray as Dr. Phil. We'll be right back.

[B]

Get tickets now at bertbirtburt.com 100% brand new. Two bears, one cave. And I am lucky enough to be joined by a man that would be perfect in my life right now, because I am going through a moment. My current partner, Tom's Gura, is looking at ski chalets in Switzerland. Purchasing.

[A]

That's what he's calling it.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

I remember when I had my ski chalet face. We know what it is, Tom. We know who you are.

[B]

Did you ever cheat on your wife?

[A]

Multiple times.

[B]

Okay, nice.

[A]

Yeah, let's get into it. Let's say from the early 90s was a time when everybody was around trying to figure out who they were and why they were. Right. But I think, you know, when you start to shed some way, you started to talk about seeing your dick more. Yeah, that happened for me about 2005, 2006. So then you started going, well, other people need to see this. I don't realize what I was packing between these thighs.

[B]

Oh, let me tell you, I had to lose 50 pounds to see my dick for sure.

[A]

Let me finish my story. But what I was saying was, was that, you know, when you start jerking up, I don't want to get too filthy too quick. But there's a. There's porn cheating, and there's real live in the flesh cheating.

[B]

I've done the porn cheating, and I'm not done.

[A]

And then there's. There's. There's blowup doll cheating, too.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, like a Fleshlight.

[A]

No, I mean like a blowup doll. Like I said, like, Fleshlight is more of a toy that I encourage to bring into the bedroom.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The first time I ever cheated on my Fleshlight was with my wife.

[B]

Really? Hold that thought.

[A]

We'll be right back. No, we'll keep her out here. I think that porn is healthy, but it can get in the way of. Of your day to day. And I don't mean to rhyme so early in the podcast, but.

[B]

No, I appreciate it.

[A]

Well, I know you do. I know that there's something about stability and longevity that provides a stability and a connection to the understanding and the education of who you are and who you want to be. Tom is, I guarantee you, in the bathroom of a delta flat on the way to Where? Nova Scotia?

[B]

Yeah. No, Switzerland.

[A]

It doesn't matter. But he's jerking off in the bathroom because he can't contain himself. And you get to a certain point in life where you go, I have to. I need to. And then you'll reflect and dissect later.

[B]

Yeah, I agree.

[A]

What was the question? Cheating on your wife. Yeah. But look, I. I think that there's. Look, tomato, Tomato Ray Romano. But I also think that you gotta. You gotta have a reason and a. And a risk reward meter on you at all times. You had a birthday last night.

[B]

I had a birthday last night and.

[A]

You had a birthday.

[B]

You.

[A]

You treated her like a young college girl. You made it a birthday month, didn't you?

[B]

It's a whole month. Is November birthday.

[A]

Yeah, I love that. Guys should start doing that too. It's mostly a female thing. Usually it's my birth. It's my birthday air. Well, you know what? It can also be a fella's birthday month.

[B]

Yeah. Well, here's what happened. I tried to remember all the birthdays that I could out of all of them. And I could only remember 11 birthdays. And I realized that's really sad.

[A]

Oh, for your own birthday.

[B]

My own birthdays. I have number 10 was. We moved in a new house. Number 11. I don't remember anything before number 10. Number 11. I got my teeth knocked out with a baseball bat or my birthday by Mark McGuire. No, no, my dad. The.

[A]

And then I will come back to that.

[B]

I was talking, you know, it was back in the day.

[A]

We've all talked back to our. We've all been hit with a bat.

[B]

No, it wasn't my dad. It was a. I never met the kid. He was a. He swung the bat, I fielded the ball. I was a catcher. I took my mask off, I threw it to third and he hit me in the mouth of the baseball bat. I remember 16. I remember 18. I remember 21. I remember 26. I remember 27. I remember 29. I never remember 30. And then 49, 50 and 51.

[A]

I love that you can remember what you remember. Does that make sense?

[B]

No.

[A]

So I love that you took time to make sure that on certain birthdays you weren't going to forget. Right.

[B]

That's what I did this past birthday and this. I'll never forget this.

[A]

And this was number what, 52. Holy.

[B]

Yeah. Or 49. I was thinking, and I'd love to your opinion.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

That at 50, what if I start going backwards?

[A]

What do you mean by that?

[B]

So I go at 50 instead of saying I'm 52. I say I'm 48, and I start going down the numbers to see if I can get to zero.

[A]

I'm okay with that.

[B]

Yeah. So I'm 48.

[A]

Where were you at 45? Because you skipped over that birthday.

[B]

I have no idea.

[A]

You don't remember?

[B]

Well, can I tell you something I said to my wife yesterday?

[A]

No, I'm all right. But I do want to know. I do want to know, though. But thanks for sharing. I do want to know. Go ahead. Okay.

[B]

It's your show.

[A]

It's your house. Cheers, by the way. Hey, to 4. To 52.

[B]

It's 48.

[A]

To 4. To 48. My mistake.

[B]

48.

[A]

Porosos. It might not be nighttime, but it sure feels like it in my heart. Porosos.

[B]

Amen. I said to Leanne the other day, I had a bunch of birthdays. I had to work on them, and I said, you know, what a gangster. I worked on my birthday.

[A]

That's a big time move.

[B]

And she goes, you know, everyone works on their birthday.

[A]

Yeah, you ain't special.

[B]

I didn't realize that. I did weekends in, like, Omaha one year, Virginia Beach. And I thought, what a selfless man I am that I'm working on my birthday. And then she's like, yeah, kids go to school on their birthday.

[A]

Yeah. Doctors do surgeries. Yeah, women get fake tits on their birthday.

[B]

Do you think people die on their birthday?

[A]

1,000%.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. I think there's pro type in famous.

[B]

Person who died on their birthday, and.

[A]

Then hashtag John Stamos nudes, and we'll see what comes up. Now, I think that there's something about going for it, but in the. You know, where there's a time and a place for everything. But I think dying on your birthday is. I don't want to say gangster, but it definitely is a way. Look, Betty White passed away from what? Just being old and cool. God. God was just like, hey, you're having too much fun down there. Come on upstairs. Right?

[B]

Look at the list of people.

[A]

Michael Douglas, well, he's still alive. That's. I don't know why that's.

[B]

I don't know how. The heat. How's that?

[A]

Wow. Is this Google? Just anticipating. Who's next?

[B]

Merle Haggard died on his birthday. Who else is anyone?

[A]

William Shakespeare died on his birthday.

[B]

Died on his birthday.

[A]

Sounds about right. Edna May Grace Bradley, Alan Drury, Nan Gray.

[B]

Oh, I thought said Nancy Grace.

[A]

Franklin Roosevelt. Franklin Franklin Roosevelt Jr. Passed away on his birthday.

[B]

Do you think there's. That would be A cool serial killer. If you killed people on their birthdays, that's a great.

[A]

Let's write that show.

[B]

Yeah, that's a great. That.

[A]

Who plays it? Who plays the killer? Because I'm a guy that appreciates somebody like an unknown actor as the killer. Right. When Zac Efron played Al Bundy or Ted Bundy.

[B]

Al Bundy, right.

[A]

Yeah, he played.

[B]

He played. They should have had Al Bundy play Ted Bundy.

[A]

I would have watched it twice.

[B]

What was her name? Grand. What?

[A]

Never minded this out, but I think that there's no. They should have unknowns play the killer. So you buy it more. Yeah, I'm watching Zac Efron as Ted Bundy. Right. Even though I know it's Ted Bundy, but I'm like, this is the kid from 17 again, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Underrated movie, by the way.

[B]

17 again, yeah. That's where Zac Efron. Underrated actor.

[A]

Underrated actor.

[B]

I think people think of Zac Efron and they think of the major motion pictures. Baywatch. Fucking awesome.

[A]

Pretty funny, Miriam.

[B]

And they need weddings.

[A]

Don't know what you just said, but, yeah. Mike and Dave need wedding.

[B]

Wedding.

[A]

What was the fucking movie you just said? Muriel, David needs a date. What the. What is it like, sometimes your brain has a bunch of words and there's like, little dwarves, like spinning a wheel.

[B]

I hear clear and I. And. And I see the skeet going in the sky, but I don't have my gun. I'm like, God damn it. It's in the trunk. Oh, these are all the movies he did.

[A]

Well, he's in the Lorax.

[B]

He was in the Lorax.

[A]

Charlie Cloud. Yeah. See, I think that was a cancer movie. And then there's that awkward moment. Neighbors. He was great neighbors.

[B]

Great neighbors.

[A]

Dirty grandpa with Dairo. Dairo says the N word in that movie. No, no, I'm just kidding. But look how excited you got. No, he does. He really does, though. He really does.

[B]

What are you supposed to do, Dr. Phil, when a white person says the N word in front of you?

[A]

Great question. I talk about this. This. In my book, we've got issues. You know the N word. Getting called the N word by a black friend is awesome. It might be like winning the lottery or getting a golden ticket to Wonka's factory. Yeah, now getting called the N word by Wonka at his factory, even better. But, you know, there's something about. Everyone's looking for an extra pep in their step. The N word's not for us, okay? Papa John did he is his Pizza. Okay. It's okay. Did the N word thing make his cheesy bread sales drop a bit?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Titch. Did you know, Did. Did he give Shaq a raise after he did that? Probably.

[B]

Did Shaq buy Papa John's?

[A]

No, I think Shaq's just a partner.

[B]

Oh. He just came in after the N word.

[A]

I always got some sort of Shaq pizza. The. The Shakiza or something.

[B]

Oh, Shaquille. Neal' best.

[A]

He's the best. He might be. He might be my favorite athlete of all time, but only because here's how I equate my favorite athletes. If I was in a restroom with them and they were taking a pee, would I take a peek? Do you know what I'm saying?

[B]

Oh, so you would take a peek?

[A]

I would take a peek. And that's why I know he's my favorite, because there's a lot of guys I won't even give a second glance to. Do you know what I'm saying? Zach Efron. I probably pass. I'll go. I'd love to actually have the idea of his penis being big better than actually seeing it, because part of me feels like Efron. You know, he's pretty jacked. And sometimes big guys have tiny, tiny schlongs.

[B]

Oh, I bought a penis extender.

[A]

For who?

[B]

I know. I just. I got given to me. Right? It got given to me. They sent me a bunch of sex toys because. What was the name of the company? Someone say the name of the company downstairs? The.

[A]

Was it Fisher Price?

[B]

No, no, no. These were.

[A]

What if times got so tough for Fisher Price, they had to just take a complete left turn.

[B]

Wait, why wouldn't they just add a sex toy? They're already making toys.

[A]

They're already making toys.

[B]

They already got the factory.

[A]

Add a couple beads.

[B]

They've already owned the. For the word toy.

[A]

Put an extra battery inside that little thing. It's like.

[B]

It's like. It's like when. It's like when something does, like, a. A selter and then a hard seltzer.

[A]

So there's a. So there's a Fisher Price cooking set. And then there's also the dominatrix.

[B]

Oh, yeah. So the. Peter, hey, will you bring the penis extender up here? Someone bring the piece, because you'll be shocked.

[A]

Third time I've heard that today. I can't tell you where I was before this, but it rhymes with brothel. Now, I've only been to a brothel once in Germany, and it was. You know, I don't want to Say it was awkward, but the people that worked there looked like they should be working there. Does that make sense? You ever go into a weed dispensary and there's, like, a white kid with dreads behind the counter and you're like, yeah, this is where you're supposed to be?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I didn't expect you to be like, I should get my law degree. No, no, you're supposed. You're here, Tanner. And then he tells you his name, and you're like, what's your name? He's like, bovid. You go, what is that? He goes, it's Bobby and David. But I put them together. But you can call me Wizard. And I'm like, I'm not going to call you any of those.

[B]

I went to a brothel in Germany.

[A]

I know you did. And I saw you on Facebook with.

[B]

My buddy Dan, and he had a prostitute. He fucked her and no condom.

[A]

Oof.

[B]

And can't do that.

[A]

Well, you can, but you can.

[B]

He did. And he said to me as we walked up the stairs out of the brothel, we never talk about this. I've told so many people.

[A]

Those are the best types of stories. Do you know how many secrets I've told? When people start the secret with, this stays between us. I go, you're. I'm already fantasizing about the text thread I'm about to make the day of.

[B]

I have had. I've had people not tell me secrets. They go, can I tell you a secret? And I go, hang on. How important is this? And then they'll tell me. I go, you shouldn't tell me.

[A]

Don't tell me.

[B]

I'm not good at keeping secret. I enjoy. I told a secret. I was working with Jimmy Tedro, and we were in my pool in Serbia, and he said, can I tell you a secret? And I said, yeah. And he told me the secret. And I grabbed my phone, called my buddy Kale, and I said, you're never gonna believe what Jimmy just told me. And he went, hold on. That was a secret. I said, I know, but I'm just telling Kale. He goes, no, that's how a secret works, is you don't tell anybody.

[A]

Yeah, try your best.

[B]

I was like, but it's Kale. You would be cool with me telling Kale? And he was like, no, that's how a secret works. Yeah, I'm not good at secrets.

[A]

Can you imagine? Who do you think told the first secret you know? Or who do you think was the first? We were talking about gossip before the show started. I think we all enjoy a little gossip. The holiday season for me is my favorite time to go, you know?

[B]

Oh my God.

[A]

I like to go on the. I like to go into chat rooms and just start rumors, you know.

[B]

Oh, I've had more rumors started about me on this show. I didn't know you actually could get your liver drained. This is the penis extender.

[A]

What's this? A blowjob machine? We can bring that in. Pete, this is.

[B]

Wait, why is the penis extender at my house?

[A]

Don't worry about it. Well, this thing's got. First of all, I love when something like this has a charger in it.

[B]

I bought the penis extender home for you, baby. Shut up.

[A]

Laugh of the year.

[B]

I'm as big as the penis extender. Yeah, that was my whole point. To show you how small the penis extender.

[A]

Wait, so is it like a pump? What's the difference between a pump and an extender?

[B]

It's like a Halloween costume for your dick.

[C]

Whether you forget to take a sip of water during the office holiday party or start feeling parched after a long day of traveling or hosting, keep Liquid IV on hand to stay hydrated through the holidays. With convenient packets of their hydration multiplier or sugar free hydration multiplier, you get eight vitamins and nutrients, three times the electrolytes of leading sports drink and no artificial sweeteners. I began my day today with the Passionfruit Liquid IV pouch. I tore it up, I poured it into my water and I gotta tell you, it tastes amazing and you feel better. Find all your favorite hydration multiplier flavors on their website. From acai berry and lemon lime to pina colada. Or choose from their line of sugar free flavors. Tear pour live more. One stick plus 16 ounces of water hydrates better than water alone. Stay hydrated through the holidays with Liquid IV. Get 20% off your first order of Liquid IV when you go to Liquid IV.com and use the code CAVE at checkout. That's 20% off your first order when you shop Better hydration today using promo code [e-mail].

[B]

Take a look at me in this shirt. I do not look this good. There's a reason I look this good. It's because the people that designed this shirt made one of the best fitting shirts I've ever worn in my entire life. I do not wear long sleeve shirts. I just don't. But brother, I'm wearing them from here on out. This is true classic. True classic is they make shirts for us with a little more room here and a little tighter here. It's almost like it's a large sleeve with an extra large body and tight here. I look so good I'm like through the roof. Their best selling T shirts, jeans and hoodies come in three, six and nine packs. But these long sleeve henleys and waffle hoodies and jeans and button ups and joggers this are falling. Their fall line is a must have by the way. Their activewear is moisture wicking, quick dry and odor controlled. The holidays are here and True Classics ultra comfortable perfect fitting essentials make for the perfect gift for you or the man in your life. Or the men in your life. So if you're ready to upgrade your closet, shop now and unlock big savings during their huge holiday sale, go to our exclusive [e-mail] bears to save. That's TrueClassic.com bears please support the show. Tell them that we sent you every year. You need to end the year with holiday cheer and thank you to True Classic. Hey everyone. With the holidays creeping up faster than your aunt's fruitcake recipe, I got something way better to share with you. If you want to look sharp for all those festive gatherings and maybe finally win that best groomed at the family dinner award, check out Manscaped's latest masterpiece, the Chairman Pro package. Trust me, it's like Rudolph for your face, guiding you to a smooth irritation. Free shave. The Chairman Pro is armed with not one but two interchangeable skin safe blade heads. The SkinSafe 4 blade foil for when you want that baby's bottom smooth the skin Safe double trimmer for when you want to keep some stubble, but to clean it up a bit. Both keep you looking sharp while minimizing razor burn and irritation. It's like Santa's elves made it up just for you. The blades and pivoting head adjust to every curve of your face and neck as if they had the gift of foresight. So go ahead, kiss that awkward jawline patch goodbye. No more pretending it doesn't exist while you hope nobody notices it under the mistletoe. I'll tell you right now, the Chairman Pro is amazing. I only shave two parts of my body, so in a weird way, it's weird for me to break out a razor. It's so nice to have this on the go. I shave right here and right under here. I haven't done it a little bit, but it gets you so smooth. Get the Chairman Pro package today and experience a shave that is as smooth as you deserve. Get 20% off plus free shipping with code Bears at manscape dot com. That's 20% off. Plus free shipping with the code Bears manscape dot com. Okay, Put it over your dick, and then it attaches to your balls and it makes your dick roughly what I'm guessing is like 6 to 7 inches. But it's not like if you were going to get a penis extender, I thought you'd want it to be, like, 12 inches, but it's not. I guess it's for. I didn't realize it's for guys with actual small dicks.

[A]

I don't think anybody wants to be above 7 or 8.

[B]

No.

[A]

That's a lot of responsibility.

[B]

You're not getting the whole thing in.

[A]

You're not getting the whole thing in. That's not fun for her or him. Okay. By the way, is this. Who is. Is this a guy? Do they have, like, his and hers, or is this definitely a woman?

[B]

I. Either that or a very young boy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's the smallest mouth I've ever seen.

[A]

We'll keep it in. I think that this. This. I mean, there's teeth in there, too, which is.

[B]

There's teeth. That's here. Open it up for the camera. Show them the teeth.

[A]

Yeah. So this is my first time. All right, Will. I'll tap you on the back of the head. You're funny, Will.

[B]

Wait, is this a girl or a guy?

[A]

Well, I'll keep it. I'm keeping it down the middle. This could be Charlene. Or Charlie. Or Charlie. So do you always. Do you always wear a suit to bed? Yeah, I'm just more comfortable this way. I'll probably keep my pants on, too, but I'll just. I cut a little hole and then I'll just. Why don't you have a zipper? You ask a lot of questions for someone that works at the Olive Garden. You weren't supposed to tell anybody that. Well, sorry, but I'm an open book and I talk about that in my book. We've got issues. You're always. You're always promoting stuff. Can we just fucking. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down. Take me to dinner first. I did. I hooked you up with Never Ending Pasta at my work, remember? I don't think I like your fucking attitude right now. So are we gonna do this or not? Yeah. Let me just go put on a condom. Wait, you're gonna wear a condom while I blow you? And scene. You know, I was an actor in high school.

[B]

For real?

[A]

You couldn't tell from that?

[B]

No, no, no, no, no. I was more like an Improv sketch?

[A]

Well, no, that was a scripted scene from a show I wrote in high school. A one act play.

[B]

What was the name of the play?

[A]

Will she Do It?

[B]

How's it end?

[A]

Well, give me a little funding. Maybe we'll. Maybe we'll produce it here in Los Angeles at the Falcon Theater in Burbank.

[B]

I think this is you practice. Or when the she goes, hey, you.

[A]

Go, oh, there you go. That's always a sexy move. The shush I had.

[B]

I got one of these one time, like when I first started doing Rogan, he was like, he used to sell flashlights and he would talk about him. He's like, you gotta them, they're so good with like.

[A]

He'd sell a Rogan flavored Fleshlight.

[B]

No, no, like Trump sells bibles.

[A]

It was like a Rogan Fleshlight.

[B]

No, it was not a Rogan. It was. One was an alien. One was like Christy Mack. It was all the porn stars.

[A]

Wait, so Rogan sold Fleshlights that were named after a porn star?

[B]

Yes, Rogan.

[A]

And shaped around their parts?

[B]

Yeah, it was. It was a flashlight. It was.

[A]

So Joe would do ads the way he would be like, I can't do a podcast without on it. He'd be like, I. These flashlights are. I don't do. I don't do voice. That's not a good Rogan. That's more. Who.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Who does a Rogan, by the way?

[B]

No one.

[A]

Maybe one of the Fleshlight.

[B]

I bet Frank Caliendo can do a.

[A]

Frank Caliento could do a Rogan.

[B]

Where's my phone? Wonder if we can get Frank Caliendo on.

[A]

That'd be amazing. Wait, so, okay, so flashlights.

[B]

And so he would do ads for flashlights. His. I mean, I can get into the weeds on this. It's really fascinating. And by the way, this is worth a deep dive because it is. It is in essence, how, if I'm not mistaken, how he got involved with On It.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And then he. And so it's his buddy Aubrey Marcus. I've met the Fleshlight people. So they were the cool kids out of Austin that sold flashlights and they went to Rogan. They're like, can you talk about on the podcast? And he did. And he had ad sales sponsors, but he would talk about them and he'd be like, have you ever fucked one? And I was always like, no. And he's like, see if we have an extra one back there. And they never had an extra one. So one time in Miami at the old Miami comedy club, the Improv And I'm walking around to get lunch, and there was a sex shop, and I walked in, and I was like. I was like, hey, do you guys have, like, a flashlight? And the guy's like, we got a can. And I was like, cool, I'll take it.

[A]

What is that, the dollar store version?

[B]

No, it was a can of Sapporo.

[A]

What?

[B]

And you took the top off of it. And it was a exception. I got one. I didn't open it. I raced home, I got back, he goes, you want lube? I was like, no, yeah, of course I want fucking lube.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. And so I get home, I open the can, and it's a. It's a mouth. It's. It's the mouth, it's not the pussy. I'm like, God damn it. And he's just looking at you, like, going, please don't do it, man. Please. Please.

[A]

Yeah, the mouth is a lot. It's a lot more dangerous than it.

[B]

No teeth in it. And so I fucked it. And I'm telling you, the shame of cleaning. Come flashlight. There's nothing like it.

[A]

You can't come back from that.

[B]

You just throw it away.

[A]

You can't go back outside after that. Cancel your dinner plans and your holiday vacation.

[B]

It's. I'd rather have someone come inside me than clean come out of a flashlight.

[A]

You ever had an unhappy ending?

[B]

No. No.

[A]

That's where you get a massage, and then they jerk off on your back. I thought of that on the way over here. Glad it worked out okay.

[B]

Can I tell you the joke I wrote today?

[A]

No, I'm all right. But, Bert, I do want to know. I do want to know. What? Is there something about having. No, go ahead, please.

[B]

No, no. It's so bad. Come on. At one point, Jay Z had to say to someone, this is my fiance, Beyonce.

[A]

Fiance Beyonce.

[B]

My fiance Beyonce. And then someone went, he's a rapper.

[A]

Yep. Oh, they go, he's. He can't turn it off, right? Oh, there we go. I'll give you five bucks if you take a swig of what you just threw up into that glass. God damn it. All right, somebody get me Burt's Venmo.

[B]

All right. Help. Help me figure out life. I'm. I'm 48 years old. Also 52.

[A]

Crushing it.

[B]

What. What should I focus on this year, Dr. Phil?

[A]

Well, I think every year you want to get better, right? And you started the year off. You started off strong, but you're closing it out stronger, and that's. I'm a big guy. To. To button stuff. You know, not. Not just your pants and your fleshlight, but, but, but everything that you. You do, you do it with purpose. And you start off the year with a bang. You got. You got the special going, you got the tour going. Again, correct me if I'm wrong, girls went to school this year.

[B]

Girls are both in college this year. This year.

[A]

So what a banner year for you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And now you're closing it out with some big stuff that. That I am privy to just from being at your little birthday soiree. Which, by the way, best potato salad I've ever had was last night. I took a doggy bag home of potato salad like a orphan child looking for a stepdad on a Tuesday. A bag of potatoes. Imagine if a cop pulled me over. What are you doing with that bag of potato salad, Phil? I'm gonna it. What's your problem? I'm gon eat it, you pervert. So I'm leaving the party thinking about how good of a time I had. But you brought that good time on us. And I think that's what you've done this year. You've created opportunities for yourself and the people around you to just have a good time, but make sure that things stay afloat. And that's a big deal. So you want to double down on that next year or take it back a minute?

[B]

No, you know what I was doing is I was not. I was getting off Instagram and I realized that helps. I like Instagram. I'm getting back on.

[A]

Yeah, I think. Yeah.

[B]

I started putting everything in moderation. I was like, no, no, that's not. I think nothing in moderation.

[A]

Ok. Just go hard in the paint.

[B]

Yeah. Nothing in moderation. Do it. You're going to die anyway one day. You might as well have fun as totally. While you're alive. Yeah, I'm. I think I might be a. What? Not a hedonist? Not a narcissist, Not a fascist.

[A]

Well, those are three of the completely opposite things you could have said right there. I'm not a clown. I'm not a. I'm not a nihilist. Okay there.

[B]

Nihilist.

[A]

What is a nihilist again?

[B]

Can we google nihilist real quick? I think a nihilist is someone who.

[A]

Just does like a real nosy masseuse.

[B]

Drug addict.

[A]

Drug addict. Okay, well, no, there's. I mean, look, the. Everything in moderation.

[B]

Can you read that? I can't read.

[A]

Sure. The World Annihilist is likely a misspelling of the word analyst, which Means someone who studies or examines something in a.

[B]

Wait, what?

[A]

Someone's been Googling. Nintendo Switch. What do you got? An eight year old boy?

[B]

Hold on.

[A]

What is all your Googles? Yeah, this is why we got cream pie and. What is it? Okay, I think that's. Yeah, we can just go ahead and close this browser. The Nightmare Before Christmas.

[B]

Do you think that women are bad at Googling things?

[A]

Because this feels like a. This feels like a personal problem that you should probably figure out before you get on a mic.

[B]

Do you think men are better at women on the Internet because we spend.

[A]

More time Googling dumb shit?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Although I think. And women, I think are better at. You know, my wife Robin is on the tic tac Tick tock trends.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So she'll swipe through and see like, hey, I got a good idea for how we can decorate our door for Shabbat. And I'm like, we're not even Jewish, you know? But she just always wanted to add flavor to the household, which I appreciate.

[B]

I don't. I'm not a big fan of things hanging on my door. My wife does, like a wreath.

[A]

A wreath? Yeah.

[B]

Halloween. She's got like a spooky kitty. Like she. My wife decorates. Yeah, Decorates.

[A]

And you're not a fan of that or what? Sorry, I had a Mac and cheese portable in the car.

[B]

No, I'm not. I. You know what? I've never been. I've never done it.

[A]

What's your favorite holiday? Bert. And then I'll go next.

[B]

Okay. Probably St. Patrick's Day.

[A]

Because of the booze or the. The leprechaun.

[B]

Just the no rules.

[A]

The no rules.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But every holiday, in its own way has no rules.

[B]

If. Okay, let's.

[A]

I went to a Flag Day party and it. Let's just say. I don't want to say what was going down, but it rhymes with bukhaki. And that was a Flag Day party.

[B]

What. What word could it be? What rhymes with bukkake?

[A]

Take your time. Sound it out. There's only. But now that you mention it, I don't think anything rhymes with bukkake. Maybe teriyaki.

[B]

Teriyaki. Tsunami doesn't rhyme with tsunami.

[A]

What are you. Who just said that?

[B]

Tsunami.

[A]

Tsunami. You're the rapper that never made it. It's like, I think Little John used to have a song where he go, no more dick for your. Just dick for your throat. I don't want to give no child support. And you're like, those two things are the furthest words from each other.

[B]

No dick for your. Just dick for your Throat.

[A]

Throat and support.

[B]

Any child support.

[A]

There it is. Yeah, it's a Greg Geraldo joke.

[B]

Is it really?

[A]

One of my favorite comedians. I wasn't going to say it without shouting him out.

[B]

The day they were. They were gonna put down our dog, I was on the treadmill and I watched Greg Gerald a special, and I was crying, laughing, and I was thinking, we might have to put down our dog. And I was like, God, thanks, Greg, for giving me that. He was a great guy. He was.

[A]

Was he really?

[B]

God, he was.

[A]

So I only got to meet him once, but that's a guy that I. Look, I know there's been a few documentaries about him, but it's a guy that there's certain people you need in comedy. Right. And there's a. That voice in mind you could use right now.

[B]

I heard his son's doing Stand Up.

[A]

Great.

[B]

Yeah, I heard his son's doing Stand Up.

[A]

You passed that funny gene on. You passed the funny gene on to your daughters. Right.

[B]

They refused to use it.

[A]

Who is your. Do you get Inspired still at 48? Do you have moment. Like, that's. That's what I want to know is, like, you wake up in the morning, you jump in your cold pool.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Which I know lights your testicles on fire and get your mind going for the day, but is there something that you can watch at night that doesn't involve forensic files or some, you know, like something that makes you go, oh, I'm pumped for tomorrow.

[B]

Peaky Blinders. I love Peaky Blinders.

[A]

It's a show, right?

[B]

Yeah, it's a show. You know, I get up. I was having a hard time for this last probably four months, finding a reason to root for me because I feel like I achieved everything I ever wanted and I didn't have any, like, more goals or projects. Right. And I was just lost. And I. And my daughters were gone, and I woke up on my birthday and I said that I'm gonna be the happiest I can be. I'm gonna be bulletproof. I'm not gonna feel anything but joy. And I. And I'm gonna start seeing the trees and smelling the roses and enjoy life. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You know who I'm grateful for? Both my daughters, Georgia and Isla. I have such a great relationship with them. I mean, for many reasons, but especially now, we are texting and we are just getting along perfect. Look, this month is all about gratitude. And along with the persons I just shouted out my two Daughters Georgia and Isla. There's another person that we don't want to forget. Ourselves. It's sometimes hard to remind ourselves that we are trying our best to make sense of everything. And in this crazy world, that is not easy. Here's a reminder to send some thanks to the people in your life, including yourself. It's funny. I give George and credit George and Isla all the credit for our relationship doing so well. And the other day, Leanne's like, you've got to take a little credit yourself. You know, you've changed. You've grown. I've grown because of these girls. I was in therapy because I wanted to be a better dad, and it changed the way I parented. I've talked about this on podcasts. You know that, but it changed the way I parented, and it has helped us grow into such a cool, fun family. Let the gratitude flow with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com bears today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H E L P dot com bears.

[A]

You have one new voicemail.

[B]

Hi.

[D]

So you would be so proud of me. I'm hosting Thanksgiving for my friends, and I was stressed because I really wanted it to feel just like Michigan. But then I found the same stuffing mix that you use on Instacart, and I ordered instant gravy, canned cranberry. What else? Oh, I got everyone a little butter sculpture shaped like a turkey. All right, I should probably get cooking, but I miss you today. Happy Thanksgiving, Mom. Oh, and you should download Instacart. It's way easier than sending dad to the store. Download Instacart and enjoy free delivery on your first three orders. Service fees and terms apply.

[A]

Why isn't it smell the trees and see the roses?

[B]

Yeah. What?

[A]

You know, because there's tree huggers, there's not tree smellers. Right.

[B]

Smell the roses is a phrase that also is a way to find out if you have coveted.

[A]

I think so.

[B]

Do you remember those days when you smell roses and you go, oh, I think I have coveted.

[A]

How did you know that you lost your smell or taste during COVID I.

[B]

Never lost my smell or taste.

[A]

I did do.

[B]

How many times you get coveted?

[A]

15.

[B]

Seven.

[A]

Yeah, I got a 15 times. Four of them. I was lying. I just didn't want to eat my wife out. But I said, I can't taste it. What am I supposed to get out of this? And she was like, well, take a test. And I go, why don't you mind your business? We fight a lot, but it's all but a fight if it leads to something fun.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Is a worthwhile argument.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know what I'm saying? Makeup sex can sometimes be better than just regular in the middle of the day sex.

[B]

I haven't had makeup sex in a long time.

[A]

Let me. Let me pitch something to you.

[B]

I'm ready.

[A]

Get into a fight about something mundane. Okay.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Let's say your wife wants to throw up a decorate. We got Christmas coming up. You know, she's like, hey, I found a fun wreath on Amazon. It glows in the dark. And it also. It doesn't. You know, it's got a. It's got a cool. It's got some Vietnamese riding on it. So we're, you know, we're not playing favorites, you know, and. And it's fun. The kids will come by, they'll see it. They go, these guys, you know, celebrate. And then you go, all right, that's a cool idea. You go, or. And then you rip it down and go. Or. And you rip it in half and go. Or we could just do it my way, which is just, you know. You know, you. You know.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That starts a fight. She gets riled up. And then you go, you know, get in the car. We're going to the Beverly Center. You go down to the mall, you walk around, you go pick out anything you want. I'm gonna buy it for you. She grabs a Jamba Juice, she grabs a ring from K Jewelers. You go into Lady Foot Locker, you get some super jeans, right? And then you go downstairs to the puppy area, you start looking all the dogs, and you go, what if you were one of these little pups? And she's like, what are you trying to prove to me right now? And you go, that life is tough. Get back in the car. Let's go in the trunk. And then by that time, you know, by that time, everything's calmed down. But you've had amazing sex because you're confused too many times. I know where I am and what I'm doing. You ever had just blackout sex where you don't even know if you're inside the person?

[B]

No. I was sober, but, yeah, the first.

[A]

Time I lost my virginity was anal because I thought I go. I go, well, this feels a little deeper than I was advertised. You're not to say she was advertising how deep she was, but she just kept bragging to the football team, like, you know, most of the guys could get in. Why can't you, Phil?

[B]

You know, for real, the first time I lost my virginity, I. I missed it. And my dick was being her butt cheek in the bed.

[A]

Yep. I think. Is that a Judy Blume book? The butt cheek in the bed. It should be.

[B]

Are you there, God? It's me, Margaret. My takes between her butt cheek in the bed.

[A]

I was hoping you'd have another Judy Blume title. Locked Up Blubber.

[B]

I knew I wanted to be Judy Bloom.

[A]

You wanted to be Judy Blum? Finish the sentence.

[B]

I didn't know what the books were about, but I knew that all the cool chicks were reading them.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I bought the Judy Blume books at the book fair and I walked around with those I didn't read, but I just had like, are you there, God? It's me, Margaret. And they were like, can you read that? I was like, it's really good. It's about a girl getting her period.

[A]

Oh, you fucking pervert.

[B]

I walked around with Judy Blume books all through fucking fifth grade because I wanted to look like one of the girls to talk to me.

[A]

That's adorable. So all the real stories were about, like, menstrual cycles.

[B]

Everything about a little girl figuring out her life. So, like, was.

[A]

You were like, how good are these books?

[B]

I. I never read one of them. I just had like a quiver of them.

[A]

Did they ever quiz you? Did any of the girls you had a crush on sit you down and go, what'd you think about, you know, Dental? Damn, Diane.

[B]

They were so confused that I had them, and they're like, you. Are you reading that? I was like, oh, I love it. It's so good. She's a. Judy Bloom is like, my favorite. And they're like, really? And I just had no idea.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then my mom saw them and goes, what are you reading? I said, I'm not reading it. I just carry it. And she was like, there was one there. One called Blubber.

[A]

I think you're confusing it with Flubber. The Rob Williams movie.

[B]

No, Blubber. Blubber was one. Are you there, God? It's me, Margaret. What are the other fat chick? Tales of a Fourth grade Nothing. I remember.

[A]

That's a great. That's a great book.

[B]

Freckle Juice.

[A]

Freckle Juice. Well, you can get that at the doctor.

[B]

Super Fudge.

[A]

Super Fudge.

[B]

It's not to be confused with super bad.

[A]

Right?

[B]

I read the book.

[A]

What else? Judy Bloom.

[B]

Is she still alive?

[A]

Tiger eyes.

[B]

She's 86 years old.

[A]

It's not the end of the world. That's when she started to take a turn. She got dark towards the mid-70s.

[B]

Yeah. They were all about coming of age books for girls. Do they have coming of age books for boys?

[A]

What if she just got real? Just. She just, you know, went off the deep end and she's like, enough of these young girl tales. What if it was just like, how to Squirt by Judy Bloom, you know what I'm saying? And you're like, is this a tutorial? And she's like, no, it's about the Holocaust. And you're like, jesus Christ. How about a more clever title that isn't so disguising?

[B]

That's a cool shirt. I squirt.

[A]

I Squirt.

[B]

Yeah. Can we make that just I Squirt?

[A]

That's actually a great. Can I tell you, the first time I saw someone squirt was in my living room.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. My. My son had some friends over and they had some friends. We've all been a part of those parties where somebody invites somebody and you go, I'm a cool guy. My house is open. Drink in the garage as long as you sleep over. Yeah, but these people that showed up. What?

[B]

Drink in the garage as long as you sleep over.

[A]

Another T shirt. Okay.

[B]

As long as you sleep over.

[A]

Yeah. You can go upstairs to shut your mouth, you know, so. So I told my son, I said, make sure that there's chips out. You know, I want your friends to be, you know, to be satisfied.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then the next thing you know, I'll walk in with a bowl of Tostitos lime chips, you know, shout out.

[B]

I just got what you said. Drink in the garage as long as you can sleep over. They're young.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, I thought it was a grown man. Oh, no, you're a 17, 18 year.

[B]

Old garage as long as you sleep over. And it's just some dude drinking in your garage until he gets tired. He knocks on the door, you're like, come on in. You can sleep on the couch as long as you sleep over. That's why I was laughing so hard at that. Drink in the garage as long as you sleep over.

[A]

Whoa, you're gonna make my mustache fall off.

[B]

I need another drink, please. I'll drink it in the garage.

[A]

Yeah. Can you imagine just drinking the garage until you get sleep? Creepy. But I think, look, waterbed futon couch. If you had your. Your preference of three, you're at a party or you're at a. Yeah, you're at a party and somebody goes, here are your options, Bert, because I know you're gonna throw caution to the wind. Yeah, I had to sleep in a recliner at Adam Devine's bachelor party.

[B]

Oh, I love a good recliner.

[A]

It was actually not bad for three days. It's a little. At some point you're like, I know where I stand in your friend hierarchy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, because there were multiple beds around, you know, but couch, futon, water.

[B]

Bed, Mary kill on the water bed. Yeah. Me and my wife will sleep on the futon.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But I'm. I'm a couch guy.

[A]

The cat. Yeah.

[B]

I love a couch.

[A]

A good couch. Never underestimate a good Efron movie or a couch sleep.

[B]

God.

[A]

Now are you napping on the couch? You're just getting, like, eight hours.

[B]

A hardcore napper. I. What I like to do is pass out in a recliner, make my way to the bed.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Oh, yeah. And you can see the spike in my. On my whoop. Is when I wake up.

[A]

I don't know if you can say that anymore.

[B]

Whoop.

[A]

Easy. We're going to 2025 fitness device. Okay. Oh, that's what it is. Okay, great. Sounds like a slur, but yeah. Now, is there. Is there something about having multi. You wear multiple hats.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And I can see just. I'm even. Just from. I'm not saying metaphor behind you. You got multiple hats, but you're also. What. Is there a different hat? You know, the same way a girl will pick out shoes? You ever watch Sex in the City, and you're like, man, Sarah Jessica Parker has a great laugh. She got any shoe for any occasion?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Are you like that way with hats? Do you go, it's. It's a Sunday, but it's Sunday fun day, so I'm putting on my Indiana Jones cap.

[B]

Can I tell you why I wear hats for real? Other. Other than the fact that I'm losing my hair and I'm self conscious and I don't want to have to do my hair to look good. Some skin cancer.

[A]

Okay. It's a protective measure.

[B]

Yeah. I've had. Seen. I've had so many friends lose. Like, I have a friend lose half.

[A]

Her nose from skin cancer.

[B]

Skin cancer. Leanne just got skin cancer. They took a hole out of her stomach.

[A]

She okay?

[B]

I don't know. I never followed up. I think she's good. She's still here.

[A]

That's wild. Yeah.

[B]

I got this hat when I sold out the Boston Garden.

[A]

What a feeling. Where does that rank in the accomplishment scale? It's okay. We'll fix it in post.

[B]

The.

[A]

Were you so accustomed.

[B]

No, no, that was the first. I think that was the first arena I sold out. It was definitely like. Because I just come back from Europe. It was my first stop on the arena tour, right? And I walked in in this old grizzled, like, you like workers? Just like a longshoreman type guy, like a union guy goes, you sold it to the ceiling, kid. I was like, what? He goes, sold it to the ceiling. You should be proud. Solid. To the ceiling. I just walked away and I went, sold it to the ceiling. Someone goes, yeah, that's sold out. No, no seats available. And I went, oh, sold it to the ceiling. That's such a cool statement.

[A]

It's like your little Boston, you know, alcoholic guardian angel just coming in with, yeah, yeah, I love that.

[B]

Like Norma Downey, Touched by an Angel.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And what if he was an angel?

[A]

Could have been.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Do you believe in that stuff?

[B]

I gotta believe in something. So I don't. I started thinking to myself, I had this conversation. I've said. I've said this before, and I know it's crazy, but it's a bit. I'm trying to work on one day. It'll figure it out. But I said, I don't believe in death. I go, because what if you just don't believe in death? And go, who gives a fuck? Because people already believe in other wilder shit, right? People believe in God. People believe in reincarnation. People believe in all this wild shit. People believe. It just goes black. I go, what if you just don't believe in death and then you don't have to worry about dying anymore? Are you looking for something?

[A]

Yeah, I got a little bit of a. So sorry to break up your story, but I fell out of an Uber pool about a month ago.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Sprained my ankle. But also, and this is embarrassing to admit on the podcast, fell face down. Been watching a pretty erotic video in the back. You know, there's no rule against watching porn in the back of an Uber.

[B]

No, there is not.

[A]

In an Uber pool, you got to make sure you know it's consensual. So, you know, push comes to shove. Shove comes to push. I got a little of a bit of a boner stand up. Tried to get out in a hurry. Tripped face down on the boner. Tried to do a push up to save myself. Almost cracked my dick in half. So got a little bit of a. Of a boner bruise and so a couple of Advil. Try to.

[B]

Oh, nice.

[A]

Clean that up.

[B]

Yeah, I don't.

[A]

But I'm sorry, what was your story?

[B]

I don't know. Here.

[A]

Something about believing in Christ or Something. Yeah.

[B]

Believing in Christ. I forget how we got on it, but I was trying to.

[A]

God bless you. I'll take another two of. That's all right. I know you just went downstairs, but. Just a second.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

It's some good stuff.

[B]

It's. Appreciate it, but, yeah. So you got.

[A]

You got. I love. I love what you're saying, which is death is imminent, but. But it doesn't have to be immediate.

[B]

Yeah. You don't have to. You don't have to focus on it the way I focus on it.

[A]

Yeah. I think, you know, you make a list of things you want to do. You try to do as many as you can, but you also don't want to fill that list up so much that you go, why am I not leaving space for things just to be added on at some later point in life? Right? Spontaneity. I'm big on that. I'll go to McDonald's and I'll order a Big Mac. And then while I'm in line, I'm like, fuck, maybe I should get a fucking piece. Yeah, right? Mixing it up.

[B]

Yeah. No, no, I.

[A]

Maybe I should. Maybe I should go back in the car, get that Fleshlight, and see if I can, you know, bargain and pay for this Happy Meal with. With my own Happy Meal.

[B]

Do what? Take your time.

[A]

Sound it out.

[B]

I like to go into McDonald's and give him 200 bucks and go, surprise me.

[A]

Great.

[B]

I love it.

[A]

And what do they do?

[B]

They are always like, huh? I go, just make it feel like 200 bucks.

[A]

Do you say, put this in the register or, like, pocket this?

[B]

No, they just go, ham. We did it. We did it one time. I did it with Ari Shafir, Sean Patton, Mark Norman, Steve Renazisi, and. And Ryan O'Neill. And we went to a Del Taco, and they're all talking about what they'd order, and we were all wasted. And I said, guys, let's make it easy. Pull up to the thing. Didn't even order. I just pulled the thing. I gave you guy. 200 bucks. I go, surprise us. Razzle dazzle, baby, Raz. And this guy, we ate Del Taco for three days in Salt Lake City.

[A]

What a dream.

[B]

God.

[A]

That's the American dream.

[B]

Taco Bell. What's better, Del Taco or Taco Bell?

[A]

Del Taco, hands down. I had Taco Bell. You were talking about dreaming. I had TACO Bell in D.C. not too long ago. Went to the Lincoln Monument with my wife Robin, and she goes, you want to take a picture? I go, no, I get it. You know, and I also have a dream to not shit my pants in public because of that TV running through me. Bird, it's not real food and I know people love it.

[B]

It's so good.

[A]

It's so good, though. I mean, look, my problem is when you're just fucked up enough, anything will do, right?

[B]

Can I tell you what we're talking about? Excels. And I've already thought too much about this.

[A]

God bless you.

[B]

The texture of their ground beef. Appreciate it is so fine that you can't get the same texture of that ground beef. You have to put it in a blender. And I've done it. I've put it in a blender.

[A]

Put Taco Bell in a blender.

[B]

No, I put ground beef with taco seasoning in a blender and got it to the season. The. The texture of Taco Bell's texture. Oh, so good. My mouth is watering.

[A]

Yeah. From. Yeah. Is there. Is there something. If you're on the road, right, and you're. You have a night on the town and you go, I could have any food right now. Would you? But you also have like a private chef at your disposal. You still go fast food?

[B]

No, I haven't. You know, I haven't had Burger King in. In probably 10 years.

[A]

Cool. I used to play the clarinet. Welcome back to who Gives a. Sorry. That came out real sorry. It's election day. I'm sensitive.

[B]

I haven't had McDonald's in quite a while. I haven't had McDonald's probably this is.

[A]

Why your skin looks so good.

[B]

Since I've had McDonald's since the pandemic.

[A]

Another Judy Bloom book.

[B]

I haven't had McDonald's since a pandemic.

[A]

I knew I had one more pop of me, that was it. We might as well wrap this up.

[B]

I.

[A]

What if I was just a. What if I just had a rotating joke catalog of Judy Bloom play on words. Everyone's like, this guy's a new Carlin.

[B]

I haven't had. I have had Taco Bell. I've had Taco Bell a lot. I've had Taco. Taco Bell's my one cheat. I can't not get it.

[A]

Yeah, well, they're also open 24 7. I went to a 24 Hour Fitness once that closed at 11pm I just about shot the place up.

[B]

Wait, why did they. How 20 not.

[A]

Yeah, just. Is it Hollywood Boulevard? So things. I think just a lot of the freaks wanted to get home and, you know, put his thumb inside somebody.

[B]

There's no More powerful of a feeling than not giving a. Yeah. When I remember going to a store and. And I. It was a. It was an outdoors store, like a outdoor shop. I love going to those on the.

[A]

Road with like a.

[B]

Like an REI type thing. But it was a mom and pop shop.

[A]

I thought you were just made like a store that was outside. I was like, well, all stores are outside, you idiot. Yeah.

[B]

And. Oh.

[A]

So a big outdoors. Like outdoors world.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Where they got skis. And it was like a.

[B]

More of a mom and pop shop. And I needed to get socks. And I love just going to these places, but I needed to get socks. And I. And it closed at 5. And it was 4:45. And I got up and the kid locked the door and I was like. As I got there, he was locking the door and I went, no, no, no, it's only 4:45. And he went like this. He goes, I don't care. And he just walked away. And I went, that's the most powerful move I've ever seen in my life. He doesn't give a. It's not his store. He doesn't have anything invested in this. When I worked at Barnes, you know.

[A]

Who that kid was? Toby Maguire. Fun fact about Toby McGuire. And I got five of them. He used to work at an outdoors world first day job. Yep.

[B]

Give me more facts about Toby Maguire. Which one's Tobey Maguire?

[A]

Spider man.

[B]

Which one?

[A]

Oh, wait, no, the original Afraid of spiders.

[B]

The original one with like the lisp.

[A]

I got five. Yep, he's got a lisp. I got five. Toby facts for you.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Afraid of spiders, worked at outdoors World, allergic to grilled cheese, hates Jews, and grew up in a two parent household.

[B]

I hope Tobey Maguire's a fan of the show. And he was giggling until he heard hate juice. And he was like, the man.

[A]

I said, hates juice.

[B]

Oh, juice.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Well, that's on you for making. Hey, that's tonight's Doritos joke of the night. No. Hates juice. Yeah.

[B]

There was a. There was a girl. There was a girl. God, I wish I remember the name of this comic. Yes. She said. She said we were talking about getting a black eye.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

And she goes, I had a black eye one time.

[A]

Black guy.

[B]

And her boyfriend goes, what did you say? Oh, she goes, it hurts so bad. I said, really? She goes, it was so black, it was almost purple. We were crying, laughing.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

And he was like, hold on, hold on. She's like, like, my dad was so pissed when I came home and he saw It. And I was like, we were. I was like, this is a bit. What was that guy's name?

[A]

Yeah, that's a great story.

[B]

Ryan Dalton.

[A]

Great guy.

[B]

Ryan Dalton. Dalton's girlfriend is now wife. Is now his wife.

[A]

Mazel. Yeah. There's certain play on words like that, that people that can get you into trouble.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's why articulate. Are you a big word guy when you tell your stories? You know what I mean? Like, do you like to, you know, some people use big words just to sound smart.

[B]

I use the big words, but I always use them wrong. Yeah, like I was using salt of the earth. As in like these people, they ride the subway, they're salt of the earth. Someone's like, what is it? What do you mean?

[A]

You mean like bottom of the barrel?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I didn't know. Salt of the earth is like the good people.

[A]

Yeah, salt of the earth. That's like, you know, this guy donated his heart to his cat. He's real salt of the earth.

[B]

He's a idiot.

[A]

Yeah, for sure. That was a bad example. But. But yeah, like a good guy, you know, this guy helped that old lady, you know, scored for the first time. She was wearing the shirt. Time to back it up.

[B]

What was the story? Oh, I had a friend one time. We had a friend one time and he was. He was trying to pick up a chick and there was this little girl and they were. They were talking about her needing a heart transplant.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And he leaned in and he goes, that's why I'm an organ donor. So I could save a little girl like that. I go, they're not going to give her a 50 year old's heart. It's huge. You're a grown obese.

[A]

Yeah, that's too much.

[B]

She's gonna be walking around like this.

[A]

That's funny.

[B]

You know, you can donate your eyes.

[A]

What?

[B]

Can you donate your eyes. You can donate your eyes. Wait, why don't they just. How do we not have cured blindness then?

[A]

I mean, I have a lot of questions. First of all, would you be picky if you lost your eyes and your heart and they go, we found a match. But he's.

[B]

So you'd have the heart of.

[A]

Yeah, I know. You could have the heart of a line. But, you know. Or the.

[B]

I wouldn't want it.

[A]

You'd say. You'd say, no.

[B]

I'd say, no.

[A]

You say, let me die.

[B]

Yeah, I would.

[A]

Because. Because what if that. But how about this? What if before he was a. He donated a charity for like two years straight?

[B]

Okay, now we're back in.

[A]

And his eyes, they found from, you know, they arrested him. They did all sorts of tests and scans, come to find he's got X ray vision.

[B]

Oh, and what if you have a pedophile's eyes and then you start being attracted to kids? What if it's the eyes?

[A]

You know, I was in a cover band called Pedophiles Eyes in high school. We sang only Peter Gabriel covers. All right, that sounded better in my head.

[B]

Wait, wait, hold on. You can donate your eyes after you die to help others see or to advance medical research.

[A]

A corneal transplant.

[B]

Yeah, you can donate your fucking eyes. You can donate your should be blind then.

[A]

Nobody should be blind.

[B]

Everyone that dies should be donating their eyes. And then what if you. Is it. Is it bad? Do you think it's white privilege? Y. If I got. If I took some Donate eyes donated. If I got eyes. You know what I'm trying to say?

[A]

No, if I was just. If you want me to be honest on this show, I'm gonna tell you the truth. And I don't know.

[B]

What if I just wanted prettier eyes?

[A]

Okay. I don't think they'll. You're not a match.

[B]

Those are beautiful. Can I get those?

[A]

Whose eyes would you want? Chris Hemsworth?

[B]

No, I want green eyes. I already have beautiful eyes.

[A]

They're pretty good.

[B]

Beautiful eyes.

[A]

Well, I judge not a book by its cover, but by the inside of the book, you know? And so what I mean by that is unless the book is titled, you know, Nazis are pretty cool actually, then I judge the COVID pretty hard.

[B]

You judge a book not by its cover, but by the inside of the book.

[A]

Sure. So the book. I guess there's another way to phrase that.

[B]

You open a book and it says top 100, you're like, what is this book about?

[A]

Well, sure. Yeah. You're not going to read two chapters of that. Okay, Judy Bloom, table for one. So. But I think swapping out your eyes for better eyes is a pretty. That's, you know, it's not white privilege. I think it's. You can donate anything time as money, Right?

[B]

Don't donate money. I stopped that. Or I stopped talking about it.

[A]

Yeah, I used to talk advantage of.

[B]

Because it's like, what's the point of donating money if you don't share with people that you donated money? And then what happens is then they go, you could have donated more.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And you're like, I also like to.

[A]

Go to the source. Right. If I'm going to give a charity 500k. Yeah, I'd rather just go to the place, take them all out to Hooters, right? Get their kids all a PlayStation, but then come in the middle of the night and steal the PlayStation so they learn about hard work and perspective.

[B]

Oh, I like that.

[A]

Yeah, I'm a big give and take guy.

[B]

Do you shoplift?

[A]

Oh, and I've also never seen squirting in my living room. Yeah, of course I shoplift. You know how expensive bacon and deodorant is? You ever go into a grocery store, like a Vons, and they're like 8 bucks for some Axe body spray, and you're like, I mean, I love the smell of Wolf Thorn, but do you.

[B]

Know what I do? I go in. I used to. I've done this. I used to do this all the time in college.

[A]

What do you do?

[B]

I go in and grab the deodorant, and I go to. If there was someone in the hallway, go, I just got to see if I'm allergic to it.

[A]

Great.

[B]

And they're like, okay. And so I go. I go, oh, no. I go. I think, ow, Ow. Oh, God, I can't. I'd walk out of the store.

[A]

Meanwhile, you're walking into your next adventure smelling like a dandelion.

[B]

Rock and roses. The Rock has his own line of. That's crazy. Do you know my partner, Tom Segura?

[A]

Oh, yeah. Last time I was on the show in Austin with you guys.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Strip club after strip club after, they.

[A]

Let me dance on stage.

[B]

It was a fun night.

[A]

It was great.

[B]

We have a vodka together. And do you know what the next line is that everyone's done? Everyone's getting. Investing in what? Deodorant and soaps. Jake, Paul, the Rock. Everyone's gonna have their own deodorant, their own soaps out.

[A]

The Rock's got papatoui. I just put it on pretty good, you know? Do you know the Rock very well?

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He's actually Dwayne.

[A]

I call him Dwayne. Dj. Fun stuff.

[B]

Fun stuff.

[A]

Cool guy, right? You know, we got the same head shape, the same body, too. You know, you can't tell from the suit I'm wearing, but we work out at the same curves, and I like to keep company around. That inspires me and gets me fired up, you know? And, you know, I watch him eating pancakes, but then still rocking a six pack.

[B]

Hell, yeah.

[A]

And. And that. That gets me juiced up. I also, like, I'm a big. I'm not a. I'm a big outdoorsy guy. But. But I haven't spent a lot of time outdoors. Does that make sense?

[B]

Yeah, I mostly go to outdoor shops, so.

[A]

Yeah, I'd love to. Like, I see him fishing. I'm like, I love to just.

[B]

I love to just.

[A]

It. But I love to do it. I'd like to take things up a notch. So if I got to go fish with the Rock, he'd be like, here, grab your.

[B]

Grab your.

[A]

You know, again, I don't do voices, but you go, you know, grab your boy. You know, grab your pole. You know, and then I'd grab my pole, but I'd be like, you know, maybe I'll just put my hand in the water.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And see who wants to come take a nibble, you know, because I got some tasty fingers. You can ask my prom date. You know, she wouldn't me, but she sucked on everything else except my penis. Don't cancel me. But she. Shout out to Dana, by the way. But. But there's a time and a place to. To celebrate your friends. And I have this Netflix special coming out.

[B]

Tell me about the Netflix special.

[A]

November 19, Dr. Phil Live Netflix special. Some big surprises myself. Another. Another Dr. Phil. Real Phil, arguably. And a couple. I don't know how to do this, but a couple. I was curious about how to promote it without breaking the fourth wall.

[B]

Did the real Phil at one point go, you know, I used to do this without you?

[A]

He definitely came out at one point. I go, it's good to see you, Phil. He goes. I go, I'm glad you're here. He goes, I'm sure you are. He goes, I'm sure this is exactly how you playing this shit. He fucking ripped it up. It was a good time. It was him, myself, Patton, Oswald, Jay Farrow, Joe Gatto. And it's on Netflix November 19th because, you know, we do the show at the Comedy Store once a month. Now we're on a big theater tour, right? Doing big theater. Chicago theater, Celebrity theater, Beacon Theater. On November 15th, we got sold out shows in March and February of 2025.

[B]

I heard you're doing a big show at the super bowl this year. I don't think it's been announced yet, but I've heard. I've heard there's rumors.

[A]

Yeah, there's rumors that I'm gonna. Because I'm a big. I'm a big sports guy, you know, I follow Travis Kelsey on LinkedIn.

[B]

Who would you like to. If you could interview someone at the super bowl, who'd you want to interview?

[A]

Rob Gronkowski. And Joe Montana, because Joe Montana and I are Eskimo brothers. Really? He doesn't know that, but I'm about to blow his mind with a couple tweets. But there's a Rob Gronkowski, you know, that might be the. The. The sweetest guy I've ever seen, but does. But also fearless. I did the Roast of Big Poppy with Rob Gronkowski in 2016. It was Bill Burr, Anthony Mackey, Rob Gronkowski, Dustin Pedroia, and myself. And. And I was there. Well, I. I went there to watch. Comedian Adam Ray was on. On the dais. I went to watch as a plus one. Yeah, for. For who? Was it? Not pit bull. There's a guy I'm friends with a guy who's friends with pit bull Dan. Anyway, he invited me and I went, and it was wild because Gronkowski's up there. Josh Wolf was there, too, and Rob Gronkowski, I saw him asking Adam Ray, pre show, hey, I got this joke about titty Josh Wolf's wife after I shit on her chest. And I heard Adam say, I don't know how that's going to go over, but trust your instincts. Rob opened with it and it bombed. And everybody laughed because he. And then he. Rob gets up there and goes. So it's backstage, too. D. Josh Wolf's girlfriend.

[B]

After I.

[A]

On a chest, nobody laughed. And Rob goes, you guys, I thought it was funny. Which made everyone laugh even harder.

[B]

He was the funniest guy at the Tom Brady roast because he would. He would misread his thing and it would be even funnier. Yeah, he is the. He is.

[A]

He's. He's likable. You want to be likable when you're on stage. You don't want to be stupid, but you want to be affable.

[B]

Classically trained pianist.

[A]

No.

[B]

Gronk. Yeah. He's a big math. Math guy. And.

[A]

Well, I don't believe that, but he's.

[B]

A huge math guy.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

That's what Julian Edelman told me. Huge math guy. Proficient in the violin, classically trained pianist.

[A]

You know, guilty until proven innocent.

[B]

Can you play any instruments?

[A]

Guitar, pan flute, harp, bass clarinet, alto sax, half a drum kit, trumpet, trombone. Is that enough for you? Mozart?

[B]

No, that's good. That's good, that's good, that's good.

[A]

I do want to. I can play the guitar, kind of. Where are we in time?

[B]

Right.

[A]

Right now, by the way?

[B]

We're at. We have. We have. We're. Right. We're done.

[A]

Okay, well, let's do.

[B]

Can you Play a song.

[A]

So I've got. I. I wrote a song for you.

[B]

You wrote a song for me?

[A]

You turned a 5248 and. And I wrote a song. I just. I've been taking guitar lessons with John Mayer for about three days. Okay.

[B]

Really?

[A]

I didn't know anything until then. Thanks, brother. You got a pick for me as well, of course.

[B]

Oh, yeah, right there.

[A]

God bless you. And John Mayer told me, I said, hey, what. What's the best? You know, it looks cool to put the strap on, but when you don't size it up right, you look like you're about to strangle yourself.

[B]

You're wearing kids clothes.

[A]

We'll keep her out here. I'm gonna take my phone out. That's what she said. And videotape. Not videotape, but I want to. I want to get some. Some. Some lyrics up here. I wrote. I took a little bit time. John told me. He goes, hey, you want to act like you're having a good time? John, You've seen John in concert. Every time he sings, he's. He's living it up.

[B]

He's. Move your strap. John Mayer. I saw John Mayer. I gotta give him a shout out. I saw him with Dead. Dead and company.

[A]

Yeah. Incredible. Maybe the best show I've ever seen. Maybe the best Andy Lennox laugh.

[B]

And he really. Yeah, he had a broken. This finger was broken. And he played three hours with one without one finger and didn't miss a beat. He is amazing.

[A]

He's incredible. He might be the best guitar player I've ever. I've ever seen. And. And I would love to smell his fingers too, just to see what's going on there, but. Oh, but that's. That's a Judy Bloom book. Do you know what John Mayer's fingers smell like? It's me, Margaret. All right, so I wrote a. I wrote a birthday song for you. Okay. Never played it live. Didn't even rehearse it. Just wrote it. But here we go. Do you want. You good? Can you hear me still? Okay, great. You know every song has like an intro.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Long time ago, November 3, 1972, a man came inside a woman and a baby grew. Not only did he grow, but he matured into a man with a zest for life, a liver for booze, and a fun as fuck game plan. Tampa Bay, don't you say, is where it all begun. Found comedy. A hot ass wife took his shirt off just for fun. He's entertained the world for over 30 years. He's probably also shit his pants from all the midnight beers. The most infectious laugh can be a cure when you are sick. He went keto in a Speedo so he could finally see his dick. Father of the year and too much self esteem. But you know you've done it right if you're friends with the machine. So happy birthday, Bert. You deserve it. All in, all the best. Except for Caitlyn Jenner. You've got my favorite chest. So spark one up, burn one down, shed a tear if you're gay and wish the legend Bertie Burton a happy birthday. So call your dad, wash your butt and listen to the fray it's happy hour all the time on Bert Kreischer's birthday It's happy hour all the time on Bert Crasher's birthday It's happy hour all the time on Bert Crusher's birthday.

[B]

Wow. Wow. You. You are so talented.

[A]

Appreciate you.

[B]

You really are, man. I'm, like, blown away. I cannot wait for this special. Appreciate November 19th.

[A]

It's gonna be a blast. And of course, we'll have you on the theater tour.

[B]

Please, please.

[A]

I think anytime you want to come out.

[B]

We were talking about maybe doing something in Vegas, January.

[A]

Yeah, we booked that up, but thanks for trying, but no, we. No. Yeah. Vegas, January. That would love. If you. If you can. Anything you got time for, bring your buddies on the table and I can't wait. We'll toss them into the crowd. Appreciate. Happy, happy birthday, dude.

[B]

I love you to death.

[A]

I love you, too. Here's another 48.

[B]

Another 48.

[A]

Shave your head, your back, your pussy, and your crack. We'll be right back. Burt, Tom, Tom, and Bert.

[B]

One goes topless while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories, and Bert's the machine.

[A]

There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean.

[B]

Here's what we call two bears. One cave.