Fun With Foreign Slurs | 2 Bears, 1 Cave - 2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Summary3 min read

Podcast Summary: Fun With Foreign Slurs | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Release Date: June 30, 2025

In this episode of "2 Bears, 1 Cave", hosts Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer delve into a range of topics, blending humor with insightful discussions on self-perception, societal norms, and the impact of shame. Below is a detailed summary of their conversation, enriched with notable quotes and timestamps for reference.

1. Appearance and Self-Perception

Bert Kreischer kicks off the episode by discussing his recent experience at the gym and sauna, mentioning,
Bert [00:16]: "I feel really red today."
This redness leads to a humorous exchange about embracing one's appearance.
Tom Segura [00:24]: "You can fight it or you can lean in."
The duo explores the idea of self-acceptance versus societal pressure to conform to certain beauty standards.

2. Being Out of Touch with Society

Bert addresses criticisms they've faced about being out of touch, especially after recent interactions outside their usual circles.
Bert [02:34]: *"Do I look?"

Tom Segura [04:10]: "You're a 1 percenter."
They reflect on their audience's perception, labeling their listeners as high achievers, and discuss how experiences like visiting the DMV highlight differences between their lives and the general public.

3. Handling Shame and Mental Health

The conversation shifts to the heavy topic of shame and its effects on mental health. They ponder the question,
Bert [16:32]: "Is life worth living if you have to live in shame?"
This leads to a discussion about the profound impact of public shaming, referencing historical figures like Bruce Ismay from the Titanic and modern celebrities who have faced backlash.

4. Public Figures and Public Shame

Tom and Bert compare the situations of Mel Gibson and Lance Armstrong, analyzing how their fall from grace was managed and perceived.
Tom [22:01]: "Like, I know it's had to have happened to athletes."
They discuss the balance between personal actions and public forgiveness, questioning whether talent can overshadow misconduct.

5. Historical Insights: Bruce Ismay and the Titanic

A deep dive into the story of Bruce Ismay, the chief financial officer of the White Star Line, unfolds. They examine his actions during the Titanic disaster and the subsequent public vilification.
Bert [16:57]: "He ended up donating a lot of money and being a good guy..."
This segment raises philosophical questions about reputation, legacy, and the weight of historical judgment.

6. Survival Stories and Resilience

Tom shares the remarkable tale of Jose Salvador Alvarenga, a fisherman who survived 438 days at sea.
Tom [38:28]: "Jose Salvador Alvarenga... survived 438 days..."
Bert and Tom discuss the human spirit's resilience in the face of extreme adversity, highlighting stories that inspire hope and determination.

7. Language, Slurs, and Cultural Sensitivity

The hosts transition into a lighthearted yet thought-provoking discussion on foreign slurs.
Bert [52:05]: "Hey, what's a slur for someone who's really red?"
Tom [52:08]: "Cowish."
They explore the nuances and implications of using derogatory terms across different cultures, emphasizing the importance of understanding and respecting linguistic boundaries.

8. Personal Anecdotes and Life Stories

The episode concludes with personal stories and playful banter between Tom and Bert. They recount experiences like losing their former assistant for inappropriate language and share humorous moments involving AI filters and social interactions.
Bert [57:52]: "I do look like Christa a little bit, don't I?"
Tom [60:06]: Discusses the complexities of natural versus man-made elements like plutonium, blending education with comedy.

Key Takeaways:

Self-Acceptance: Embracing one's appearance challenges societal beauty standards.
Social Disconnect: Success can sometimes lead to feelings of being out of touch with the broader population.
Impact of Shame: Public shaming can have profound and lasting effects on individuals' lives and mental health.
Resilience: Survival stories highlight the strength of the human spirit amidst extreme challenges.
Cultural Sensitivity: Understanding the weight and context of language is crucial in a globalized world.

Tom and Bert seamlessly blend humor with meaningful discussions, offering listeners both entertainment and food for thought. Their candid conversations encourage introspection while maintaining the light-hearted spirit that defines "2 Bears, 1 Cave."

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Transcript651 lines

[00:00]
Bert Kreischer
100%.
[00:05]
Tom Segura
Yeah. We are back. We are in Los Angeles. We're doing two bears, one cave. Everybody's dying to know, how do you feel after having 16ft of your intestines removed?
[00:17]
Bert Kreischer
Red. I feel really red today.
[00:19]
Tom Segura
You do?
[00:19]
Bert Kreischer
That's great. God, I'm red today. Like, I know I get shit for being red a lot.
[00:24]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[00:24]
Bert Kreischer
But man, I am. I just got out of the sauna, just got out of the gym, and I'm like, I am looking at myself and in the mirror as I walked past.
[00:31]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[00:32]
Bert Kreischer
Today's a rough one for me.
[00:33]
Tom Segura
Well, you know, there's a thing about being red is like, you can fight it or you can lean in. Like, what about getting redder? Ooh. You know what I mean?
[00:43]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. And just get so red that people go. They don't even notice anymore.
[00:48]
Tom Segura
Yeah, exactly.
[00:49]
Bert Kreischer
Like, why fight it? Good.
[00:51]
Tom Segura
Yeah. Also, red's a good.
[00:53]
Bert Kreischer
You're.
[00:53]
Tom Segura
I think you look good with red.
[00:55]
Bert Kreischer
Can I tell you? I'm always amazed that, like, when you feel fat and disgusting and then you're on an airplane and you see someone really fat and disgusting and then you go, how do you feel? Like, I'm not as bad as you. I didn't get a seatbelt extender. You look disgusting.
[01:09]
Tom Segura
The real place where you kind of, you find kind of your place in society is when you go to like a hotel pool. You know what I mean? And so, because at first you're like, I'm a piece of shit. I'm the fucking grossest. And you, you see a couple like, fitness bodies and you're like, oh, my God. Like, that's what we're supposed to look like, this perfect human. And then some fucking pig waddles down and, like, has trouble kicking their slippers off. And you see the rolls just hanging and you're like, this is the grossest person at the pool. And then you, you kind of smile. You're like, that person's way grosser than me. And you know exactly your status because there's always like a couple gorgeous people and then there's just a few animals that you go like, nice. I'm glad they're here too.
[02:03]
Bert Kreischer
They should make their. You know how they have, like, they have like those vacation spots for singles and for swingers.
[02:10]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[02:10]
Bert Kreischer
They should make one for couples wanting to feel better about themselves. Where it's just my 600 pound life, people.
[02:16]
Tom Segura
Yeah. And you go there and go on.
[02:17]
Bert Kreischer
Vacation there and you just, you, you're like, they're like, hey, you can go on the zip Line. Not everyone else can, but you can.
[02:23]
Tom Segura
It's just a vacation place for you. I mean, I honestly, if you're around enough gross people, especially at a pool, you're. You will stand up a little straighter. You'll be like, I'm not that bad. I'm actually pretty good.
[02:34]
Bert Kreischer
Can I tell you, Tom, I know that I, I, I don't really read comments, but I know that people say me and you are out of touch and that we've changed. And I, I would fight that tooth and nail. I am the same Bert you've known since day one. Since day one, when I was doing the Dayton funny bone. And then the other day I went to the DMV and I realized I have not been around these people in a very long time.
[02:57]
Tom Segura
Different, huh?
[02:58]
Bert Kreischer
Do. I am out of touch. That is America. That is shut down the 101 and throw a brick at a cop America. That is not who I see on a daily basis. Not. I have. I was like, I am this. I am the healthiest person in this room. I've showered the most in this room.
[03:17]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[03:18]
Bert Kreischer
I've brushed my teeth the most in this room.
[03:20]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[03:20]
Bert Kreischer
The DMV is scary, Tom.
[03:22]
Tom Segura
It kind of boosted you up. I went, I haven't been in a. I went last year. And it's, you know. Yeah. Just sitting there waiting for your number to get called. And you're just looking around that room. It is, it's the bottom of the barrel, dude.
[03:35]
Bert Kreischer
I mean, rough. That's America tomorrow.
[03:37]
Tom Segura
Yeah, it is.
[03:38]
Bert Kreischer
Most you go to our shows. Our shows are cultured, high end, top level of the Titanic, Americans. I mean, we've got. If you're listening to this right now, you are killing it in life. Just if you're listening, if you're listening. If you're watching this, you might be, you know, touching. If you're listening to this.
[04:00]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[04:00]
Bert Kreischer
You are a 1 percenter, in my opinion.
[04:04]
Tom Segura
I like that. It feels good.
[04:06]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
[04:07]
Tom Segura
You know what? Even if you're not, just tell yourself you are. You're 1 percenter.
[04:11]
Bert Kreischer
And if right now you're go, you're going, no, no, no, no, Bird, I, I'm having a rough day. I feel like I'm overweight. I don't. Maybe I'm not achieving everything. Go to the dmv.
[04:19]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[04:19]
Bert Kreischer
And look around and go, wow, you know what? I am fucking killing it.
[04:22]
Tom Segura
It's not that bad. That's what you leave there thinking. It's not that bad what I've got going on.
[04:26]
Bert Kreischer
I really was. I Got a DMV appointment. And I was like. I was like, nice. Because, you know, I always try to, like, make sure that I'm grounded in life, you know. I was like, nice. I got a DMV appointment. I'm going in the dmv. I'm just fucking. Hey, if Tom Cruise goes to the dmv, I go to the dmv. And the second I got there, I was like, how do I pay to get out of this? Yeah, how do I need to pay?
[04:47]
Tom Segura
There's like a backdoor situation there.
[04:50]
Bert Kreischer
I got offered it and I didn't take it. You didn't take it? I didn't take it because I was like, you know what? Not like, cancel culture shit of, like, if people found out, but I was like. I was like, if I just. It really. I think that's when I don't. That's when I'm no longer in touch.
[05:07]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[05:08]
Bert Kreischer
And let me tell you something. Let me just. So we're clear. I did all the steps to take it.
[05:14]
Tom Segura
Yeah. And then bailed.
[05:15]
Bert Kreischer
I got there, I was like, I'm not doing this.
[05:18]
Tom Segura
Really?
[05:19]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, yeah.
[05:20]
Tom Segura
You bailed.
[05:21]
Bert Kreischer
I bailed.
[05:22]
Tom Segura
And then now you're going to do the celebrity way.
[05:24]
Bert Kreischer
No, I'm. No, no, I fucking did it. I had to just get my license renewed, and now I got to go back into. I was. I could have done the fucking. And now I got to go back and do in November and get my license renewed because I didn't do the. The celebrity way.
[05:39]
Tom Segura
Do you know I. You know, when I found out about it, when I moved here, When I moved here, I had some appointment to go to for the dmv and somebody I work with was like, oh, yeah, I can flip facilitate, like the. The back doorway. And I was like, really? Here? And they're like, oh, that's right. No, not in Texas. I can do it in California. I was like, oh, okay.
[05:58]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, there's. There's.
[05:59]
Tom Segura
I didn't even know about it.
[06:01]
Bert Kreischer
Isla, you know, is failed the driver's exam like, eight times.
[06:05]
Tom Segura
Seriously?
[06:05]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, yeah. She. Buddy, she shouldn't drive. I don't think she should ever. She know what she said the other day? She goes, you know, maybe I won't drive a car. Maybe I'll just get a motorcycle. I was like, baby, that's even worse.
[06:13]
Tom Segura
Yeah. No, that's not.
[06:14]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. She was like, dad, maybe she. You know what car she wants? She wants a hellcat.
[06:18]
Tom Segura
Oh, perfect.
[06:19]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
[06:20]
Tom Segura
Is she Dating a D1 college football player right now?
[06:24]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. No, she wants A purple hellcat.
[06:27]
Tom Segura
Is she, is she dating someone that plays for Georgia?
[06:32]
Bert Kreischer
I have no idea what's wrong with this kid. We're in a fight right now because I, I, I got in her at Georgia's birthday and you got in her. I got, I, I, we got into an argument. I mean, it's like, it's so stupid. But she was like, Georgia's like, eileen, you know, you're moving into a house next year. What's the. It started with Georgia turned 21. So we went up and surprised Georgia for her 21st birthday. And I said, georgia, what's the first drink you're going to drink now at a bar that you can order? You know, what's, what are you excited to order? And she said, I've always wanted to order a martini, but, you know, when you're underage, getting a martini is really difficult. So, like, you know, you can have a beer, you can have a Jack and Coke, you can have a rum and Coke, you can have Porosos and soda. If you're underage, you can have a Porosos and soda. But, you know, getting a martini is like something you need to go to a bar and order.
[07:22]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[07:22]
Bert Kreischer
And so she said, I really want, I really want a Martini. And I was like, really? She goes, I want a martini. They look so good with a blue cheese olive in it. And I was like, well, you, maybe we'll go get a martini, blue cheese olive. And then she pivoted. She goes, isla, you get in a kitchen next year. This should be your first time you have a kitchen. What is it? What are you excited to make? And Isla goes, eggs. This child has never eaten an egg in her life. I've tried to cook her an egg for 18 years. Never once has she allowed me to. I Dad, I hate eggs. As a matter of fact, the name of our chat thread, our group chat thread with my family is, I swear to God, Isla hates eggs. That's the name of the chat thread. And I said, you're going to make a fucking egg. And I was a little hungover, and I was a little aggressive, and I goes, yo, calm down. And I was like, no, I'm not going to calm down. I've never seen you make an egg. I've never seen you eat an egg. And you're telling me you can make an egg? And she was like, dad, it's easy. And I was like, bullshit. She was like, dad, anyone can make an egg. And so then the other day, I was like, hey, why don't you Bring those superpowers over here. Make me an egg. She goes, scrambled? I go, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Over easy. She goes, no, no. All I can do is scrambled. I go, a fucking monkey can make a scrambled egg. I go, make me a egg. And so we're fighting right now about over the eggs.
[08:34]
Tom Segura
Wow.
[08:34]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
[08:35]
Tom Segura
That was pretty intense.
[08:37]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, dude. It's like if you're a kid, all of a sudden, you know that you know your children. Yeah, Right?
[08:42]
Tom Segura
Yes.
[08:43]
Bert Kreischer
And if. If Ellis just walked into the living room and he's like, hey, dad, put on ice skating. I love ice skating. And you're like, wait, when did you start watching ice skating? He goes, I watched it my whole life. You just haven't paid attention, dude.
[08:54]
Tom Segura
I. You know what just happened? I was like, hey, let's. Let's watch Star wars, because I've tried to get them. He goes, no, no, no. I go, why? He goes, I hate that. I don't want to watch it. And I go, it's awesome. And he goes, I don't want to see it. I just don't want to. And I'm, like, pleading and pleading, and I'm like, dude, they're awesome movies. Like, let's just start with the original, and we'll go through it.
[09:18]
Bert Kreischer
Yes. Yes.
[09:19]
Tom Segura
Like, no, I hate it. You know what? Let's just not watch anything. And I go, dude, how about watch 15 minutes, and if you don't like it after 15 minutes, we'll watch something.
[09:29]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, God.
[09:30]
Tom Segura
I'm like, come on, man.
[09:32]
Bert Kreischer
Fine.
[09:33]
Tom Segura
So I put it on, and like, 10 minutes in, Julian's like, this is cool. And I go, yeah. And then Ellis goes, yeah, they're. They're all pretty good. I've seen them all. And I go, what? He goes, yeah, I watched them over at my friend's house. I go, I thought he said it was the worst thing ever. He's like, no, it's pretty rad. They're pretty cool. I go, what the is this, man? Like, you just told me you don't want to. Like, it's all, you know, misdirects. And I'm like, wait, so you've seen these? He's like, yeah, I've seen them all. And I go, and you like them?
[10:00]
Bert Kreischer
He goes, yeah, they're pretty generations, Tom. They're not like. They're not like our generation, okay? We had respect. We had dignity. It's like the people in the Titanic, Tom. They set men, women, and children first, and the men just died with dignity. They got dressed up and they died. Do you think. Do you think our generation. Do you think the generation right now, like, let's look at Zolo. If Zolo's on the Titanic.
[10:22]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[10:22]
Bert Kreischer
Do you think Zolo would be like, no, no, no, no. Heather first. I'm gonna die.
[10:27]
Tom Segura
No, you push all the women in. Yeah.
[10:29]
Bert Kreischer
Do you think Any is gonna be.
[10:30]
Tom Segura
Like, not a chance.
[10:32]
Bert Kreischer
Not a chance. And he's gonna be like, step on.
[10:35]
Tom Segura
Someone'S neck and be like, I. I already. I've done my. My work where we are. We've suffered enough. You know, he'd do one of those and then.
[10:42]
Bert Kreischer
And he would throw a rock at a window and be like, get me in.
[10:45]
Tom Segura
Yeah. No, he'd be like. He'd be like, here we go again. No, he would definitely like.
[10:56]
Bert Kreischer
White ass right here. How do you think any would react if a white guy that looked like Halston was like, so sorry. So sorry. Women and children first.
[11:12]
Tom Segura
Who. Wait, wait. What was the question?
[11:14]
Bert Kreischer
What do you. How do you think Annie would react if a white guy that looked like Halston.
[11:18]
Tom Segura
Oh, yeah.
[11:18]
Bert Kreischer
Was, like, really white? Halston's the whitest that you can get.
[11:21]
Tom Segura
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[11:22]
Bert Kreischer
And not physically.
[11:23]
Tom Segura
What would any say?
[11:24]
Bert Kreischer
What would any. If Halston went. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey.
[11:27]
Tom Segura
The first thing he would say is a word we're not allowed to say. And then he would go out of the way and then he would just jump on that life raft. Yeah.
[11:35]
Bert Kreischer
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[12:38]
Tom Segura
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[13:52]
Bert Kreischer
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[14:08]
Tom Segura
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[14:09]
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[14:18]
Tom Segura
Yeah, for sure.
[14:18]
Bert Kreischer
It's crazy. I'm watching the, you know, they're, they're. I don't know, for whatever reason. The Titanic, I guess the Titanic. Titanic must have sunk right around now in real life, you know, I don't know really, but it's Titanic showing up everywhere on my feed. Everywhere. So I've been seeing a lot of Titanic stuff where it's June.
[14:35]
Tom Segura
What is it? Was it a bit in June?
[14:38]
Bert Kreischer
It was cold. So not.
[14:39]
Tom Segura
Yeah, with icebergs. When did it sink?
[14:43]
Bert Kreischer
April. I'm trying to.
[14:46]
Tom Segura
I don't know. They're looking it up. Maybe you're right.
[14:49]
Bert Kreischer
April 14th.
[14:50]
Tom Segura
That was April. Yeah.
[14:51]
Bert Kreischer
Okay, so 1912. So the guy that, that, that was like his dad created the White Line. What was it called? The White Star. The White Line. Cruise ships. The guy that started it, his name was like his, his son was the chief financial officer. His name was like Bruce Ursay or something.
[15:11]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[15:12]
Bert Kreischer
And. And at the very end, Tom, he gets on a boat like at the very end. They're last boat to go in the water. There's like 14 dudes in it. They're already letting dudes on. They say, are there any more women? There's no more women. And he just, and his, he is the chief financial officer of all these boats. And he hops on and they call him the Bruce Ismay. And they know, they call him the coward of the Titanic. And it ruined his life, that it would have been better for him to die than to live that life. Really, I keep. It destroyed him just because he should.
[15:48]
Tom Segura
Have gone down with his ship.
[15:50]
Bert Kreischer
He stayed. The idea that, the idea with every man that survived the Titanic was, how did you get on a boat? And so a lot of guys lied and said, no, I jumped in the water and then swam to a boat. A lot of guys lied, yeah. But then a couple guys like this.
[16:06]
Tom Segura
Guy and well, let's hear, let's park here. So it says, after the disaster, Ismay was savaged by both the American and British press for deserting the ship while women and children were still on board. They called him a coward of the Titanic, suggested that the White star flag be changed to a yellow liver. Some ran negative cartoons depicting him deserting the ship. Some maintained Ismay followed the women and children principle first, having assisted many women and children himself. His actions were defended in the official British inquiry which found Mr. Ismay, after rendering assistance to Mr. Many passengers, found sea collapse. The last boat on the starboard side actually being lowered. No other people were there at that time. There was room for him and he jumped in. Had he not jumped in, he would have merely been one more added life lost. Wow. But they, they still trashed him, huh?
[16:58]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, they destroyed it, ruined his life. He went out. He ended up, I, I think they kicked him out of, of, of this company that his dad started. His dad started the White Line or whatever it's called, and they kicked him out. He ended up donating a lot of money and being a good guy. He ended up moving to, like, some farm in Ireland and fishing the rest of his life. He died from diabetes. But my point is it raises a question of, like, is life worth living? If you're looked at in shame for the rest of those years, you get to live.
[17:30]
Tom Segura
That's a good question, actually. That's like a really deep philosophical question. I mean, I'm sure especially in that time, to have been him was probably brutal. From 1914 to 1937 when he died. That's a, that's a long time to get trashed. Right? But it's almost like, I don't know how much, how Much did he enjoy the rest of his life?
[17:52]
Bert Kreischer
I don't think any. Because. Because. Yeah, because he. He lived a compromised life. He couldn't do what he loved doing, which was, by the way, he's autistic. I think so. He, like. He loved numbers and he loved working, like, in. You know, with numbers and stuff. And. With numbers.
[18:06]
Tom Segura
Some people just like numbers, but.
[18:08]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, I don't know. I think he's pretty. I think he was autistic. I don't know. I don't know why I think he was autistic. Yeah, I just. That was my read on him. But. But, like, so, like, I. I was trying to equivalate it to, like, our life, Right?
[18:23]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[18:24]
Bert Kreischer
And I was like, how would we. What if you made. You May. You. You. Is life worth living if you have to live in shame? Like, say. Say you get on a plane, right, And. And the plane crashes and you're like, fuck it, I'm out. You ever seen that movie where the guy. There's. It's. It's like a French movie, and they're on the Swiss Alps and there's an avalanche and the guy fucking panics and goes and shuts the door on his family?
[18:49]
Tom Segura
No, I don't think I have. No.
[18:51]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, are they reaching?
[18:53]
Tom Segura
That's a rough one.
[18:54]
Bert Kreischer
Yes.
[18:56]
Tom Segura
And then the family just dies in the avalanche?
[18:58]
Bert Kreischer
No, the avalanche doesn't make it to them. And they live, but they know that their dad was gonna let them die.
[19:04]
Tom Segura
That's pretty great. That's pretty. It's not a comedy.
[19:10]
Bert Kreischer
No, it is. I think it is. I mean, they remade it with Will Ferrell and. And the girl from Seinfeld, Julia Louise Dreyfus.
[19:18]
Tom Segura
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But Tourist. Is that it? Force majeure?
[19:24]
Bert Kreischer
I think so.
[19:25]
Tom Segura
That's the original. All right, so it's crazy.
[19:28]
Bert Kreischer
It's like, would you be willing to die so that you didn't have shame?
[19:36]
Tom Segura
I guess it depends, man. I mean, look, what you're talking about is why a lot of people unalive themselves. People unalive themselves to not deal with immense shame all the time. So that's a real thing.
[19:52]
Bert Kreischer
There was that comic that I guess had some essays. I like that. We've. We've changed our language.
[19:58]
Tom Segura
Well, you kind of have to. To just. Yeah. To. Otherwise, people always ask, why is this bleeped? Why did you say it this way? It's so that it stays up. Otherwise they'll take you down.
[20:07]
Bert Kreischer
He had some. He had some alleged essays that they were gonna. They were gonna w About. In an. In a. In an np.
[20:16]
Tom Segura
Okay.
[20:17]
Bert Kreischer
Not that anyone reads NPS anymore, but I'm sure the. The. I would have gotten a hold of it and put it on YT, and it would have just effed him in the A. Up and down. What did he do? He. He essayed. No, he didn't essay himself. He Art himself. No, he k. Himself. Wait, he unalived himself?
[20:37]
Tom Segura
He did.
[20:38]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. He unloved himself.
[20:40]
Tom Segura
Oh.
[20:40]
Bert Kreischer
And he was like a. He was like, a really good kid, and he was. He was. He was an A. No, I mean a B, but an A. Yeah. Okay.
[20:50]
Tom Segura
Oh, I know who this is.
[20:51]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, he was an A. Yeah. See?
[20:54]
Tom Segura
Yep. Okay. I think at this point, there's people in their cars just going, the fuck is happening here? So. Yeah.
[21:02]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
[21:02]
Tom Segura
They're like, I don't.
[21:03]
Bert Kreischer
African American comic.
[21:04]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[21:05]
Bert Kreischer
But, yeah, allegedly, he unalived himself because he didn't want to deal with, like, the Me Too movement.
[21:13]
Tom Segura
I. I mean, that's.
[21:14]
Bert Kreischer
Allegedly. I don't. I don't know the whole story, but that's what I heard.
[21:16]
Tom Segura
Yeah. Yeah, It's. It's rough, man. Yeah. So you're. I mean, but the real question is, like, you know, how much shame are you willing to deal with?
[21:27]
Bert Kreischer
God, that's a good question.
[21:29]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[21:30]
Bert Kreischer
I mean, can you look past the shame and just start enjoying sunsets again? That.
[21:35]
Tom Segura
I mean, that. This is something that a lot of people have had to weigh in their own lives.
[21:42]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. I think the shame hurts the most if you're someone who. Who never got it. Who never got it and didn't. And then all of a sudden, the shame shows up and you're like, oh, the accolades are gone. And now I just have shame.
[21:58]
Tom Segura
Yeah. And it's happened to some very notable people, you know, like, who.
[22:01]
Bert Kreischer
Like. Like, I know it's had to have happened to athletes.
[22:05]
Tom Segura
Well, the first person I thought of actually was, like, Mel Gibson, Lance Armstrong. Yeah. I mean, they're. I think they're both falling that for different reasons, but, like, Mel was super celebrated, you know, like, highly respected. I mean, a legit, bona fide movie star. And then he had these, like, drunken rants saying wild. And it totally changed people's perception, and there's a lot of public shame in something like that. And then with Lance. Yeah. It was like, I've never taken anything. I've never. And, you know, then it comes out that he had taken everything, and there was big shame for both of them. Yeah.
[22:45]
Bert Kreischer
By the way, what's. Can I tell you what's Crazy is I. With both of them. It never, never bothered me. No, no, I. You know, I ran into Mel Gibson and was like, oh, fucking love you, dude. You're a hero.
[22:57]
Tom Segura
Yeah. Yeah.
[22:58]
Bert Kreischer
If I ran into Lamps Armstrong, I'd be like, think. I mean, okay, argument's sake. And hopefully one day we get Lance on the podcast. I would love to have him as a guest Bear. I would love to, but, like, think of all the good Lance did. And he was. He was only doing what everyone was doing at the time.
[23:14]
Tom Segura
Well, that is true. I ran into him once.
[23:18]
Bert Kreischer
Really?
[23:19]
Tom Segura
Not in Austin. I was. I was in Colorado and he was in a restaurant and. Yeah.
[23:25]
Bert Kreischer
Did you say hi to him?
[23:27]
Tom Segura
Did I say hi to him? I kind of, like, not re. Like, he did one of those. Like, somebody else I knew knew him and they spoke, and then he was like. This time he was like, hi. Like, it was real, real quick. Wasn't. Wasn't like an actual, you know, conversation we had. You look like you're real happy with Mel, though, whereas.
[23:47]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, yeah, yeah, dude. I. I mean, I. What Mel Gibson has done for cinema is. I think, you know, I think it's a tit for tat with what he's done for bad things. Like, hey, sweet tits. Okay, I'll take it for Apocalypto. Yeah, it was pretty great. I mean, if you're gonna say, like, one drunken, racist filled phone message for all the lethal weapons. Come on. Yeah, okay. Gotcha.
[24:11]
Tom Segura
It's a good exchange. I know.
[24:12]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
[24:13]
Tom Segura
If you kind of.
[24:13]
Bert Kreischer
Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Okay. Let's take a look at our careers and see what we could get away with that will be worth it. Okay.
[24:20]
Tom Segura
It is directly proportionate into what you've given. For sure.
[24:23]
Bert Kreischer
Yes. Lance Armstrong, it. How many people did he help with cancer?
[24:28]
Tom Segura
God, who knows?
[24:30]
Bert Kreischer
I mean, it's a lot. Infinite. An infinite amount of people he helped through his cancer society or whatever he had. Yeah, right.
[24:39]
Tom Segura
And what did he. Like, so he said some wild stuff, right? No, I mean, he cheated. Whatever. He was doping. Everybody was doping.
[24:46]
Bert Kreischer
Everyone was doping. Tit for tat. There we go. Can you hit? Christina, think about your body of work. Okay? You got how many specials out there?
[24:57]
Tom Segura
Five. Soon be. It'll be six. Soon.
[24:59]
Bert Kreischer
Six. You're shooting in November. You're going to shoot your sixth special in Wisconsin.
[25:04]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[25:05]
Bert Kreischer
Okay. Now let's just put this out there. Okay. So many people have gone through loss and hardship and heartbreak and depression and probably thought to themselves, maybe I should unalive myself today. And then they saw ball hog and they went, you know what? I'm going to give it another day. And then who knows how that person's just keeping themselves alive has changed so many people for good. Is it worth you punching Christina one time?
[25:31]
Tom Segura
Yeah. I mean, are we talking about, like, a direct hit? Like, you know, like a square in the face kind of thing?
[25:37]
Bert Kreischer
Like a Ray Rice? Okay, let's do Ray Rice. Hold on. Yeah, hang on. This is a. This is a fun game.
[25:46]
Tom Segura
It is a fun game. Well, he. But he. They decided his body of work wasn't sufficient.
[25:50]
Bert Kreischer
I know.
[25:51]
Tom Segura
He got completely blacklisted.
[25:53]
Bert Kreischer
And I. Can I tell you who got the hardest on that. His wife.
[25:57]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[25:57]
Bert Kreischer
Not only did she get punched, she lost her Mercedes, she lost her house, she lost all her jewelry. She fucking. I mean, she got with him the most. What?
[26:05]
Tom Segura
Is she still with him?
[26:07]
Bert Kreischer
That's a great question. I hope.
[26:08]
Tom Segura
If she is, she's the realest one ever. Yeah, she is.
[26:13]
Bert Kreischer
If. If she is, she deserves an award and a scholarship.
[26:17]
Tom Segura
Yeah, they are. They're still married. Yeah.
[26:24]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
[26:24]
Tom Segura
That is crazy. It is, because, like, if that had been Tom Brady, they'd be like, you know, people lose their temper, man. What are you gonna do? Just happens.
[26:33]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
[26:34]
Tom Segura
She probably was saying some wild. Yeah, definitely.
[26:37]
Bert Kreischer
I think Gronk could have gotten away with it.
[26:40]
Tom Segura
Yeah. For a while, man. That would have been. It's a big guy.
[26:44]
Bert Kreischer
If Aaron Hernandez had played five more years, do you think he could have killed those people and gotten away with it?
[26:48]
Tom Segura
That's the thing is, like, multiple murders.
[26:52]
Bert Kreischer
He just killed one dude.
[26:54]
Tom Segura
I think it was more.
[26:56]
Bert Kreischer
And himself. He unalived himself.
[26:59]
Tom Segura
Yeah. But I think other people, like, they pinned that first one, but then they didn't. They end up tying other ones to him.
[27:07]
Bert Kreischer
I don't know. I didn't really pay attention. That's why I shouldn't talk about stuff like this because I don't really know any of the information. I'm just kind of like. All I only know about Aaron Hernandez is he unalived himself with soap.
[27:17]
Tom Segura
He was acquitted in a double murder. Okay, well, you're right. He was convicted of one.
[27:25]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, but it's like. It's like, you look, what do you think you could.
[27:28]
Tom Segura
You think you could get away with hitting Leanne?
[27:30]
Bert Kreischer
No, I can't. I don't knock it enough.
[27:32]
Tom Segura
No, no.
[27:33]
Bert Kreischer
I think. I think if the machine had performed a little bit better in box offices. Yeah.
[27:38]
Tom Segura
If it was like a huge box.
[27:39]
Bert Kreischer
Office, if it had made like $100 million.
[27:42]
Tom Segura
You're fine.
[27:43]
Bert Kreischer
Easy. I don't even know if I'd be with her today. Summer is here. More sun, more light, more time to do all the things that make summer so special. And the number one thing you don't want to have to be doing all summer, spending hours cooking inside. That's where factor comes in. Factor's chef crafted dietitian approved meals are ready in just two minutes. Taking all the hassle out of eating well. Factor meals arrive fresh and ready to eat, perfect for any active lifestyle over summer and beyond. With 45 weekly menu options, you can pick gourmet meals that fit your summer gains and goals. Choose from options like calorie Smart. Not for me. Protein plus. That's me. Keto that's also me and more. Factor powers your day sun up to sundown with nutritious breakfasts on the go, lunches, premium dinners, and guilt free snacks and desserts. Factor has your whole day covered. Let me tell you something. Let me tell you something. We put them in our fridge, in the cheese drawer, stack our factor meals, slide them out, flip through them. It's almost like looking through a cookbook of already made meals. And when they say two minutes, I'm saying two minutes and it's perfectly done. Get started at Factor Meals.com bears 50 off and use code bears 50 off to get 50% off plus free shipping on your first box. That's code bears 50 off at factorymeals.com bears 50 off for 50% off plus free shipping. Factor Meals.com bears 50 OFF. Factor Meals.com bears 50 off. You know that one friend who somehow knows everything about money?
[29:21]
Tom Segura
Yeah. Now imagine they live in your phone. Say hey to Experian, your big financial friend.
[29:27]
Bert Kreischer
It's the app that helps you check.
[29:29]
Tom Segura
Your FICO score, find ways to to.
[29:31]
Bert Kreischer
Save and basically feel like a financial genius.
[29:34]
Tom Segura
And guess what?
[29:35]
Bert Kreischer
It's totally free. So go on, download the Experian app. Trust me, having a BFF like this is a total game changer. But, but, you know, luckily for her, just did enough to make some money back and, you know, so she's mine forever.
[29:53]
Tom Segura
Yeah, that's a really interesting thing, is how much. What? Well, you think about it, all these big celebrities, like we were talking about that the other day. When you think back on like Michael Jackson, he's so talented that he was like, little boys sleep in my bed. And everybody was like, have you heard? You want to be starting something? It's fucking amazing. You know, like thriller today to this Day, Tom.
[30:14]
Bert Kreischer
People will defend Michael Jackson.
[30:17]
Tom Segura
It's because of his talent.
[30:19]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. He was so talented.
[30:21]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[30:23]
Bert Kreischer
Dr. Dre hit a chick. Everyone's like, yeah, but the Chronic was.
[30:26]
Tom Segura
Yeah, exactly. No, I know. So you're right. I think if I did that, you know, I'd probably still be able to work, but it'd be a different world.
[30:35]
Bert Kreischer
You'd be able to be a different world.
[30:37]
Tom Segura
Yeah. I guess we can't hit our wives.
[30:39]
Bert Kreischer
Can't hit our wives. Yeah. I can't. I can't even cheat on mine.
[30:42]
Tom Segura
Yeah, we gotta. You know, we gotta look for. Is like, well, we should probably discuss it. Maybe we can hit our wives after our summer projects come out.
[30:53]
Bert Kreischer
I like that.
[30:55]
Tom Segura
Yeah. Like, maybe that's the. The goal is. Because we're both doing stuff this summer. Can you say what you're doing is that, like, this is. Are you announced and everything?
[31:06]
Bert Kreischer
I haven't announced it yet. I don't know if I'm announcing it.
[31:08]
Tom Segura
You're not announcing it.
[31:09]
Bert Kreischer
I might just let it just show up. Oh, why do you. I don't. I don't. I never understood why we announced them.
[31:15]
Tom Segura
I don't know how it works either, dude. It's just mine.
[31:18]
Bert Kreischer
But.
[31:18]
Tom Segura
Well, yeah, because we're recording this in advance. Mine. Mine's now announced. So I'm shooting a movie this summer. And, you know, the goal is just obviously to make it a fun and funny, entertaining movie, but ultimately good enough where you guys would forgive me for, you know, assault, like, battery or something, you know?
[31:38]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, that's. I. I just hope that my project is good enough that you guys would forgive me for, like, throwing Leanne against a wall.
[31:48]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[31:49]
Bert Kreischer
At a restaurant.
[31:50]
Tom Segura
Which is not as bad as a. Like a closed fist punch.
[31:53]
Bert Kreischer
No. Oh, come on. I think I could. Could I? Could I. Okay, videotape. Someone tapes me and Leanne at a. Am I good enough? This is a great. In the comments.
[32:08]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[32:10]
Bert Kreischer
Have I done enough in podcasting and in. In. In stand up, in touring, in creating tours and having cruises? All the things I've done, my whole body of work. Ignore Travel Channel. That's not going to help. To dress Leanne down with, like, the worst words at a valet and get in my car, clearly drunk and drive away.
[32:34]
Tom Segura
I think you could do that, dude.
[32:35]
Bert Kreischer
I think I can do. I think I can, too.
[32:37]
Tom Segura
I actually think it might actually be kind of some bonus points. They'd be like, that was pretty cool.
[32:42]
Bert Kreischer
I might need some bad boy points because I think I've been too good. I mean, like, A goody two shoes.
[32:46]
Tom Segura
You know what I think you could do also is if you threw her through like a plate glass window.
[32:52]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, like, here's the. Did that, dude.
[32:54]
Tom Segura
Yes. Because here's the thing. Ultimately, it's, it's like it's softer than a wall. Like, you know, I mean, but the dramatic, like if it was somebody who had their phone out and you see a glass window shatter and this woman goes flying through it. She gets up, you know, she's got a couple bumps or whatever.
[33:12]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
[33:12]
Tom Segura
A little scratch on her. But it's like a. What the. And then you're like, that's right. Like you say some wild. On your way out. You look pretty badass. She's not like unconscious. Like, she's okay.
[33:24]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
[33:24]
Tom Segura
I think that's like a, A definitely. Like, people would probably be like, that was really cool the way you did that.
[33:30]
Bert Kreischer
What you have to do in a moment like that is say the right thing when the, like just go. Black lives matter. Not all lives matter. Black lives matter.
[33:42]
Tom Segura
Right? You have like a nice punchline for it.
[33:43]
Bert Kreischer
Like, nice. Like, like, like free Palestine.
[33:47]
Tom Segura
Yeah, yeah, there you go. Oh, man. Actually, you have a bunch of people. Well, a lot of people would hate you for it, but you'd have a lot of people that would be like, hey, dude, that was really cool the way you threw your wife through that window for Palestine.
[33:59]
Bert Kreischer
There'll be a lot of guys from Palestine not minding it at all. They'd be like, this isn't even say, my man.
[34:05]
Tom Segura
Yeah. We do this all the time when we used to have houses.
[34:11]
Bert Kreischer
It's such a, it's such an interesting. Like, it's. I watch my behavior in public a lot because I don't want to. I don't want negative tapes about me. So like, I, I think I'm a good person, but I don't. Can't really tell because I'm, I'm already in front of it, you know.
[34:32]
Tom Segura
So you're always careful.
[34:34]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, yeah. And I've, you know, I've had some.
[34:35]
Tom Segura
Slip ups, obviously, like almost hitting her and stuff.
[34:39]
Bert Kreischer
No, no, not with Leanne. With like strangers.
[34:41]
Tom Segura
Oh.
[34:42]
Bert Kreischer
I always interact very nicely and pleasantly and I'm. You'd be shocked what I'll allow someone to say to me and I'll defuse it and kind of apologize and just, and separate my way and go. I'm not going to interact with this. This is something someone's going to catch on camera. Like, I'm not. I had a woman one time, I, I can't tell if I ran the red light or she ran the red light. I clearly thought she ran the red light. And I. And she fucking pulled up next to me screaming at me and had her phone out. And I clearly think she read the. Ran the red light. I mean, I'm not even fucking around. I am almost 100% certain she ran the red light. I went and I pulled up to park and she came up with her phone yelling at me. And I knew I was on camera, and I knew I had more to lose than she did if I talked back, because now she gets to edit it from wherever she wants.
[35:33]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[35:33]
Bert Kreischer
And I just. I just apologized.
[35:36]
Tom Segura
Really.
[35:36]
Bert Kreischer
I'm so sorry. I don't know what happened. If I ran that red light, it's my fault. She goes, you definitely ran that fucking red light. I said that. I'm. I apologize. I wasn't paying attention, but I. I was just. And I. What if she apologized?
[35:48]
Tom Segura
What if she hadn't had that phone out?
[35:50]
Bert Kreischer
You whore. Kicking her window. I'd wait till she tried to get out of her car, then I'd kick her door so it crushed her skull and then unalived the. Out of her.
[36:03]
Tom Segura
Good thing for phones, man.
[36:05]
Bert Kreischer
That's the way to. I mean, that's. You know how many lives I've saved is just having a phone out.
[36:09]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[36:10]
Bert Kreischer
I mean, look at all these people down at the protest in the 101.
[36:13]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[36:13]
Bert Kreischer
Just. You pull a phone out and you're like. And people. People are terrified of the phone. They're afraid of getting shamed.
[36:19]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[36:20]
Bert Kreischer
Shame is a. Shame is worse. Shame is worse than shames. As. As bad as death.
[36:27]
Tom Segura
I guess in some cases. Yeah.
[36:29]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. I think that's what we're getting at.
[36:32]
Tom Segura
In some cases it is.
[36:33]
Bert Kreischer
I asked Pete. I asked Pete today. Pete. Pete Giuliano no longer works for me. Everyone knew my assistant Peter. He. He was. We caught him on tape saying the N word. And so we had to get rid of him. And. Well, it was about any. So we understood what he was doing. But, like. But. And so we have a new assistant, Kyle, ex military. We were talking today about that. That. Because it's on Netflix, is the sub that went down to see the Titanic.
[37:01]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[37:02]
Bert Kreischer
And they unalived. Just in a second. Right?
[37:06]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[37:08]
Bert Kreischer
And I said, what would you rather do? Have it instant or fight it? Fight for it. Fight for it like a bear. Fight for it like a snake. And you got to get out of the woods. Fight for it like a pack of wolves. Have you on top. Tracked up on the top of a tree. Fight for it. Like, like, like you're in a capsized boat in the ocean and you're holding on for dear life for five days with no water, horrible storms, sunburn, sharks circling you. Fight for it. Or just.
[37:46]
Tom Segura
What would you rather do?
[37:47]
Bert Kreischer
Fight for it.
[37:49]
Tom Segura
You'd rather.
[37:50]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, there's a dude that was stuck out of sea for 436 days and I kind of thought. I kind of thought, dude, how could.
[37:57]
Tom Segura
Anyone live that long in the ocean?
[37:59]
Bert Kreischer
I don't know. I didn't read the whole article.
[38:01]
Tom Segura
There you go. Oh my God. But if you know you're gonna, if you're gonna for sure die in either one.
[38:10]
Bert Kreischer
Even if you know you're gonna die, I'd still fight for it. I. I'd fight for it for the hope that I could get out of it.
[38:16]
Tom Segura
Well, yeah, that's, that's what you're. Yeah, for sure.
[38:17]
Bert Kreischer
I mean, I listen to this podcast me and I listen to this podcast called Adventure. It's a noiser. It's about like, it's like adventure stories or something. It's not adventure. It's about. I'll tell you what exactly what it is.
[38:29]
Tom Segura
Well, hold on. We found this guy. So. Jose Salvador Alvarenga, a 36 year old fisherman, survived 438 days, bro. Dude, he was found.
[38:39]
Bert Kreischer
His boat got on the first day of fishing, the first day of fishing.
[38:45]
Tom Segura
He was found in January 2014. He drifted 6700 miles. So he was shark fishing with a younger companion when they separated in a storm. The other person, Cordova, died, leaving Alvarenga alone for the remaining nine months of his ordeal. He described surviving by fishing, swimming and collecting rainwater. He also credited a strong sense of caregiving, the ability to create imagery realities keeping him alive. There's a book called 438 Days. Holy. His case was the subject of a lawsuit filed by the family.
[39:22]
Bert Kreischer
Do you know why? Do you want me to tell you why? Well, they think he ate him.
[39:26]
Tom Segura
Yeah, I mean, that's okay.
[39:30]
Bert Kreischer
I mean, no, he, they were like, he had to get rid of the body because he was talking to the body, because he was hallucinating. He had to throw the body over, over the thing. But the family's like, yo, bullshit. You ate him and then you made money off of it.
[39:42]
Tom Segura
That's okay. I feel for him.
[39:45]
Bert Kreischer
Real survival stories. This is what Isla and I listen to. And every single one is like, I mean, just better than the other one. And. But everyone, they think they're going to die. There's no. They're definitely going to die. And they fight for it and fight for it. So I think I'd go, oh, I'm fighting. I'm definitely fighting.
[40:07]
Tom Segura
Did you. Are you having a Hitler summer too? Like, I am. Like, do you watch. I watch a lot of. I realize in the summers I watch war documentaries, so I'm watching a World War II doc again. So goddamn good. The one in color.
[40:20]
Bert Kreischer
Which one?
[40:21]
Tom Segura
It's a six episode one.
[40:23]
Bert Kreischer
It's.
[40:24]
Tom Segura
It's like World War II in color on Netflix. Yeah.
[40:27]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. Oh, it's fucking amazing.
[40:29]
Tom Segura
I think it's the second time I've seen it. And actually, I don't think that's the one. I think it's a different one. Yeah, I think it's a different one. But it. Whatever, whichever one it is, it's fantastic, man. Like, I was telling Christina is like, you. There's so many details that you don't. You don't know or remember about it. So every time, even though I feel like I've seen it, you just go, like. Like I was telling. I didn't know that the part of the directive when we were trying to get Germany to surrender was we just bombed Hamburg and just blew it to smell. Like, just flattened it. And then there was a. There were survivors that were housed in a building. And then the. I think it was the Brits that were like, hey, bomb. That too. Like, for all the. Like the civilian survivors.
[41:24]
Bert Kreischer
Can I. Okay. Three things. Don't let me forget three things.
[41:28]
Tom Segura
Three things.
[41:29]
Bert Kreischer
Number one, plutonium.
[41:31]
Tom Segura
Plutonium.
[41:32]
Bert Kreischer
Number two, Japan. Number three. These movies like Band of Brothers.
[41:39]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[41:39]
Bert Kreischer
Or, or, or Saving Private Ryan are so much more interesting and engaging once you know a little bit about the history. Like, if you don't know anything about the history of World War II and like D Day. Let's take D Day for an example. Like, I'm watching Band of Brothers, which I never gave a shit about. When it came out, I was like, yeah, I don't like war stuff. Now that I'm into World War II stuff. I'm watching them. I'm watching the paratroopers jump over enemy lines. And I'm understanding the history of it. That they had flooded the fields so that those guys were drowned. That they. There was a storm and they were getting bombed so they didn't know when to jump out. That the planes were getting hit by artillery and people were just getting thrown out. That they were getting shot in the sky. Now that I know the history, it is Fascinating.
[42:28]
Tom Segura
It's fascinating. You know, I also found the one thing that you are definitely a like Hitler in. He's a good friend. He's a good friend.
[42:37]
Bert Kreischer
Hitler was.
[42:37]
Tom Segura
Yeah. To Mussolini. He really was a good friend to him. Yeah. So next time somebody says you, you remind me of Hitler, just be like, yeah, because he was a great friend of Mussolini. Sorry.
[42:47]
Bert Kreischer
You know, do you ever hear what Hitler said to Mussolini? When Mussolini passed the wine to him, he said, grazie, Nazi.
[42:53]
Tom Segura
That's pretty good. Did. By the way, I never looked this up. When Hitler and Mussolini would converse, what language did they speak to each other? Did they speak. Here we go. It was the first result. Despite often struggled to communicate effectively, Mussolini, oh. Who spoke some German, initially refused to use a translator, but he found Hitler's rough Austrian accent difficult to understand. Hitler was known for his lengthy monologues, which he found boring despite their shared ideology, their communication, each other, and he found tedious. So I like how they're like, okay, so essentially, eventually they used translators, I guess.
[43:34]
Bert Kreischer
Okay, we should do that one time.
[43:37]
Tom Segura
What's that?
[43:38]
Bert Kreischer
We'll use translators to.
[43:40]
Tom Segura
Oh, okay.
[43:41]
Bert Kreischer
See how. See how, like. Yeah, we'll get one Spanish to English translator. You only talk in Spanish.
[43:46]
Tom Segura
Okay.
[43:46]
Bert Kreischer
And then I'll have them translate and we'll see how it turns out.
[43:49]
Tom Segura
We could do that. Yeah, that'd be fun.
[43:51]
Bert Kreischer
Translator.
[43:52]
Tom Segura
But we'll dress up. I'll dress up as Muslini, you dress up as another guy, and then we'll.
[43:55]
Bert Kreischer
I'll dress up as. Is it racist to dress up as Hitler?
[43:59]
Tom Segura
I don't know that it's racist. It's usually frowned upon.
[44:06]
Bert Kreischer
Is, oh, do you know who did that one time? My favorite? Meghan Markle's husband.
[44:13]
Tom Segura
H. Oh, h, yeah, yeah.
[44:15]
Bert Kreischer
H. Dressed up like Hitler one time. Fucking frat party.
[44:19]
Tom Segura
Oh, yeah, yeah.
[44:20]
Bert Kreischer
You know, it would be a great costume.
[44:21]
Tom Segura
Prince Harry. Yeah. That was something that everybody did over the last. Probably whatever it is, 60 years, until finally I feel like now everyone's like, that's a no go, right? Like, no one really does that anymore.
[44:36]
Bert Kreischer
What's the next one? I remember I had a girl, not a girlfriend, but a girl I was really close with who was Peruvian. And it was. It was Halloween. And she dressed up like a Puerto Rican. And I went, you're not allowed to do that. She was like. I go, first of all, it doesn't look like you dressed up at all.
[44:50]
Tom Segura
You just look like yourself.
[44:51]
Bert Kreischer
You just. Like a Puerto Rico. You just look like you're Puerto Rican. She goes, I know, but look at it. It looks, like, crazy, right? And I was like, no, no, can't do that.
[44:58]
Tom Segura
That's funny.
[44:59]
Bert Kreischer
What's the next one? What's the next one that people will be like, you can't dress up. Yeah.
[45:02]
Tom Segura
What's the next. You can't, because people have done bin Laden. Because that's where my mind went for a while. Did you watch the bin Laden doc?
[45:09]
Bert Kreischer
No.
[45:09]
Tom Segura
It's amazing.
[45:11]
Bert Kreischer
Which one's the bin Laden doc?
[45:12]
Tom Segura
It just came out, like, a month ago.
[45:15]
Bert Kreischer
Wait, could you dress up like Harry the Nazi?
[45:18]
Tom Segura
Oh, that's really good.
[45:21]
Bert Kreischer
Like, I'm not dressing up like a Nazi. I'm dressing up like Prince Harry.
[45:23]
Tom Segura
I'm Prince Harry.
[45:24]
Bert Kreischer
He was a Nazi.
[45:25]
Tom Segura
Yeah. No, a lot of people won't make that connection.
[45:28]
Bert Kreischer
I'm not dressing in blackface. I'm dressing as Justin Trudeau in blackface.
[45:33]
Tom Segura
That's right. Yeah. The blackface thing is still definitely not okay. Yeah. You want to try it?
[45:40]
Bert Kreischer
You can do it at home. Well, it's a slippery slope about dressing up in blackface because a lot of those face masks they give women are blackface.
[45:49]
Tom Segura
What do you mean?
[45:50]
Bert Kreischer
Like. Like those mud masks black women put blackface on. I go, that's blackface. That's like. It's like saying the nword in a different language. You're still saying the nword.
[46:00]
Tom Segura
Oh, right, right, right.
[46:03]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, that's a. What is that, Justin Trudeau?
[46:05]
Tom Segura
Can we learn the N word in other languages? That'd be a fun one.
[46:09]
Bert Kreischer
Ooh.
[46:11]
Tom Segura
Let's. Let's learn racial epithets in other languages. Okay, hold on. Oh, okay. This is awesome. Never knew this. Wow. There's, like, downloadable.
[46:27]
Bert Kreischer
Be careful what site this is.
[46:28]
Tom Segura
Yeah, yeah. Okay. Okay, so, because historically, the word became really demeaning in Brazil to roughly the same word as the N word in English was criolu, which is a cognate of Spanish criollo and English Creole. Negro or negro or preto was and is, in principle, neutral. It just means black color. Okay, so we're looking for what is. There's got to be one that actually lays it out.
[46:59]
Bert Kreischer
No, but that's almost more. That's even, like, wilder to just be like. Like to say the word black in a different language, but it sounds like it's painful.
[47:08]
Tom Segura
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right.
[47:11]
Bert Kreischer
And then what's the one for white? See, if that's one. If we can teach black people one that hurts us, then what's the.
[47:18]
Tom Segura
What's this one? Hold on. In Hebrew, the term Cushi can be racially derogatory, particularly with the accent. On the coup, The Italians used to say words like tizone or mulanjan. No, Mexican.
[47:36]
Bert Kreischer
No, that's from. That's Eddie Murphy, didn't he? Italian.
[47:41]
Tom Segura
Yeah, yeah, yeah, because that's. What's it called? Eggplant. Right. Isn't that the eggplant thing?
[47:47]
Bert Kreischer
I think so. I don't know. I thought eggplant was dick.
[47:53]
Tom Segura
No, no, but the Italians. I think that's supposed to be. Yeah, Mulan. That was the. I think that's. Isn't that. Oh, it doesn't. Yeah. Based on. The provider is primarily understood as Sicilian dialect for eggplant. Yeah, but the eggplant is dark. Right. So that's. That's how it was a. That was. But what. Let's find out the other, like, horrible racial epithets in another language, right?
[48:31]
Bert Kreischer
Like. God dang. What's.
[48:37]
Tom Segura
What's Arabic word for slave? Abid. Abid means. That's an Arabic way of saying it. These are nice for you to use in public.
[48:48]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
[48:49]
Tom Segura
You know, like, if you're at a restaurant, you're like, what's with all the abedes here, man? You know? Yeah. That kind of thing. Everyone's like, what. What are you talking about?
[48:59]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, my God.
[49:04]
Tom Segura
Oh, we. They. They told us a horrible one in South Africa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
[49:09]
Bert Kreischer
What? What? A.
[49:12]
Tom Segura
This is on Wikipedia, bro.
[49:14]
Bert Kreischer
This is on Wikipedia. These are just racial slurs for everybody.
[49:17]
Tom Segura
Yeah. Wait, if you scroll down because it's alphabetical, go to the letter K. What's in K? I just want to see if this is Okay. J. There it is. That's the one they said when we were there. They were like, that's the worst thing you can say in South Africa.
[49:40]
Bert Kreischer
For real?
[49:41]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[49:44]
Bert Kreischer
We heard that.
[49:45]
Tom Segura
Well, no, of course not. It's. It's. It's just there when. When. And the guys were like, yeah, that's. That's the worst word here.
[49:53]
Bert Kreischer
That would be. It would be funny to just very casually say that, like, oh, this is my. Like, if you're Meet, like, Trevor Noah, and you're like, oh, this is my best. My wife's maiden name is that.
[50:04]
Tom Segura
Oh, yeah, that would.
[50:06]
Bert Kreischer
No one else would hear it. And he'd be like, what the. Did you just say? Yeah, it's her maiden name. It's her maiden name.
[50:11]
Tom Segura
Yep.
[50:11]
Bert Kreischer
It's not far off my wife's maiden name.
[50:14]
Tom Segura
Yeah. But see, this is what I was looking for. See how it says, like, in northeastern Thailand? That's a slur for Vietnamese people. Do you see it?
[50:21]
Bert Kreischer
Wait, no, I don't see it. I don't have my glasses.
[50:24]
Tom Segura
You just had it. That one. I don't even know how to say that.
[50:29]
Bert Kreischer
Hey, K A E W. How do you say that? Because Sandra's Vietnamese. She can say it.
[50:36]
Tom Segura
There you go.
[50:39]
Bert Kreischer
I don't think that's. No. And it's Tai. But that's what they call you.
[50:45]
Tom Segura
I don't know.
[50:46]
Bert Kreischer
You've never heard. You've never been called that?
[50:48]
Tom Segura
No.
[50:49]
Bert Kreischer
Would it hurt your feelings if I called you that right now?
[50:52]
Tom Segura
Well, it has no meaning to me, so. No. So.
[50:55]
Bert Kreischer
No.
[50:55]
Tom Segura
Yeah. So. Looks like someone's got a new nickname.
[51:01]
Bert Kreischer
Oh. Oh, I can't wait. We're gonna get a T shirt made for you. It's gonna be fun.
[51:07]
Tom Segura
God, it'll only register to Northeastern Thai people.
[51:13]
Bert Kreischer
It's only. It's so. Northeastern Thai people would be like, oh, my God. It's so funny because the. The. As we look at these words, they have zero meaning to them. Us, cow.
[51:25]
Tom Segura
There it is.
[51:26]
Bert Kreischer
How do you say it? Cow.
[51:29]
Tom Segura
Cow.
[51:29]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, it's cow.
[51:31]
Tom Segura
Cow.
[51:32]
Bert Kreischer
Cow. Sorry, Sandra.
[51:38]
Tom Segura
You can do that when she's slacking off. All right, You.
[51:40]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, it's crazy because that has no meaning to me. Right?
[51:46]
Tom Segura
I know.
[51:47]
Bert Kreischer
Meaning to me. It has no value. And. And there's someone in. In here's a.
[51:53]
Tom Segura
There's a fun one. It's a German slur for Dutch people. Cascop.
[52:00]
Bert Kreischer
It means German slur for Dutch. I feel comfortable saying that one.
[52:03]
Tom Segura
Yeah. Yeah.
[52:05]
Bert Kreischer
Hey, what's a slur for someone who's really red?
[52:09]
Tom Segura
Oh, let's look for Native American slurs I used.
[52:15]
Bert Kreischer
I literally got in the sauna today, and I was like, don't get in the sauna. You're going to get very red and you're going to do the podcast and be, like, purple. And now every time I laugh, I see myself get redder.
[52:24]
Tom Segura
Cowish.
[52:24]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, here we go. Canadian, French cowish. That's my new nickname. Bert Cowish Kreischer.
[52:31]
Tom Segura
There you go. Bert Cowish Kreischer. So you did. You did do that.
[52:36]
Bert Kreischer
I did. I worked out hard as I have a cough, so I was coughing like crazy throughout the workout.
[52:41]
Tom Segura
Oh, this sounds, like, meaner.
[52:44]
Bert Kreischer
What?
[52:45]
Tom Segura
Nichy.
[52:46]
Bert Kreischer
That sounds. Nichi. I'll be. That's my new nickname.
[52:50]
Tom Segura
Nichi.
[52:51]
Bert Kreischer
Nichi.
[52:52]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[52:53]
Bert Kreischer
If you say that to me on the road, I'll buy you a drink.
[52:57]
Tom Segura
And you'll see how a lot of drinks.
[52:59]
Bert Kreischer
I was. I was in the sauna today, and I was with Pete because it's his last day, and I was like. And I was just like. I was so dizzy. Yeah, I was so dizzy. And I was like. I was like, God damn it, I'm going to be so red for this podcast. And then I'm looking at myself. I catch myself in a reflection on a camera, and I'm like, if I laugh, my cheeks get red.
[53:20]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[53:20]
Bert Kreischer
Just like, oh, I need. And then I look at my hand next to my face. I'm like, this doesn't look normal.
[53:26]
Tom Segura
Oh, yeah. You look way redder than your hands.
[53:28]
Bert Kreischer
Jesus. Oh, my God. The rest of my body.
[53:30]
Tom Segura
Yeah. Looks like Pacific Samoan people call white people palagi. Palagi or palagi.
[53:38]
Bert Kreischer
That's a good one. Palagi. How is one in. In Hawaii?
[53:45]
Tom Segura
Yeah. Yeah. It's not that positive.
[53:49]
Bert Kreischer
It never. It never hurt my feelings.
[53:51]
Tom Segura
Yeah, I know. I think the Chinese would call white people guilos. That means, like, ghost. Like, ghost face or something.
[54:02]
Bert Kreischer
That sounds scary. I'm definitely not a ghost.
[54:05]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[54:05]
Bert Kreischer
I'm a niche. I'm a niche guelo. Nietzsche.
[54:08]
Tom Segura
You fucking Nietzsche.
[54:10]
Bert Kreischer
I'm a niche guilo.
[54:14]
Tom Segura
I like that it said ting tong.
[54:19]
Bert Kreischer
Twink is a gay slur for skinny gay guy. Oh, my God. This is okay.
[54:26]
Tom Segura
Yeah, These are great, man.
[54:28]
Bert Kreischer
This is a w. I mean, this is.
[54:30]
Tom Segura
Can we print this and have it closer to the wall?
[54:34]
Bert Kreischer
This is just Wikipedia.
[54:35]
Tom Segura
Yeah. It's giving you everything you need, man.
[54:38]
Bert Kreischer
Holy.
[54:39]
Tom Segura
There's so many.
[54:41]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, my God.
[54:43]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[54:44]
Bert Kreischer
There was a restaurant with one of these names when I was a kid. Oh, yeah, Sambos.
[54:51]
Tom Segura
Oh, yeah.
[54:51]
Bert Kreischer
There's a restaurant. Crazy Ambos, that is. And you could buy a little. You got little wooden nickels that were like. Like quarters that you could get. And they had the picture on it.
[55:02]
Tom Segura
Yeah, that's.
[55:02]
Bert Kreischer
When did sambos go out of. When did sambos go out of. Out of business? Look at that. There was one on 81 Avenue, right?
[55:11]
Tom Segura
No, 84. Right. Is that when. Oh, no. The last restaurant was renamed in 2020. No, it was open in 57. They expanded to more in late 63. It had 16 cities. 98 locations by 69. Yeah. Oh, my God. In. Scroll back up. In 79, there was 1117 Sambos. That's crazy.
[55:40]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, I remember that. We went to the one on Fletcher, and right when they changed their name, they changed their name to, like.
[55:45]
Tom Segura
They changed it to Chads. No, that's what it said at the end there. It said in 2020, it was renamed it Chad's after the owner, Chad Stevens.
[55:58]
Bert Kreischer
That's.
[55:58]
Tom Segura
It took George Floyd, where he was like, all right, it's Chad. All right. Everybody happy now?
[56:06]
Bert Kreischer
They did change it to Chad's.
[56:08]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[56:09]
Bert Kreischer
They changed it to something else when I was in, like, when I was, like, 10. I had to be younger than that, probably eight. And I remember that's what. The last time we went there. They're like, they've changed.
[56:19]
Tom Segura
That's incredible. Let's go to Chad's now. Chad is so much more offensive. I think it's a horrible name.
[56:29]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
[56:31]
Tom Segura
Can you imagine for a restaurant you want to go to? Chad's? Never.
[56:37]
Bert Kreischer
No.
[56:38]
Tom Segura
Don't you have something like sambos around?
[56:41]
Bert Kreischer
We sell French fries, but no salt or anything. It's just French fries.
[56:43]
Tom Segura
It's so cheeseburger.
[56:46]
Bert Kreischer
We don't do that with just hamburgers.
[56:47]
Tom Segura
You just. Yeah, yeah.
[56:49]
Bert Kreischer
Doing chicken fingers. I like chicken fingers. Can I get ranch? We don't do ranch.
[56:52]
Tom Segura
No, there's just mayo here. We only do mayo. Yeah. Jesus Christ, man. Wait.
[56:58]
Bert Kreischer
When you think. When you think, like, people, you know, like, there was a guy named Derek, like, that I knew growing up, and then I realized the other day, I was like, God, man. His dad could have picked any name, and he picked Derek.
[57:10]
Tom Segura
Yeah. Like.
[57:11]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, like, I understand, like, when you name a kid after yourself, like, Albert Charles Chrysler the third. But, like, you just went, I'll just call him Derek.
[57:19]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[57:20]
Bert Kreischer
It's just such a weird thing.
[57:22]
Tom Segura
It's a weird choice if it's not.
[57:24]
Bert Kreischer
A fan, because there weren't Derek's. When did the name Derek. There weren't Derek's, like, in, like, the 1950s.
[57:30]
Tom Segura
Feels like it may have started, like. Yeah, that was, like, 72. Yeah. Derek.
[57:36]
Bert Kreischer
I knew a bunch of Dereks growing up.
[57:39]
Tom Segura
It originates from the old Germanic name Theodoric, which means people.
[57:45]
Bert Kreischer
Ruler.
[57:45]
Tom Segura
Ruler of the people.
[57:47]
Bert Kreischer
I don't think that's why they named Derek Derek. No, the Derek I knew was not a ruler.
[57:52]
Tom Segura
No. Wait, do you know, like, our clip went viral where you were talking about this office, and then I was like, well, your place has. Is a. Like, yarn collectors. Leanne gave me a lot of.
[58:11]
Bert Kreischer
About that.
[58:11]
Tom Segura
Like, she was mad.
[58:14]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. I. I didn't know it went viral. I saw it. I just. I made me laugh.
[58:18]
Tom Segura
Yeah. It's so funny, dude. Did you see me in AI as a woman, like, with that filter? It looks like I should work in your office.
[58:28]
Bert Kreischer
Let me see it. Can you find it?
[58:29]
Tom Segura
Yeah, we have it. It looks like I should be in your bullpen. 100.
[58:34]
Bert Kreischer
I love you, Richard. Thank you so much. I can't believe I'm saying this, but Bert really nailed this one. Go yourself, Richard. Even when I'm funny, people go, why don't you do that more often? And you're like, just laugh.
[58:46]
Tom Segura
Just have a good time.
[58:48]
Bert Kreischer
Just enjoy it. And just don't look at my face.
[58:50]
Tom Segura
There I am. Look.
[58:52]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, my. That's not you.
[58:53]
Tom Segura
Yeah, that's me in the filter. Don't I look like I work downstairs?
[58:59]
Bert Kreischer
You kind of look like Rachel. Yeah, you do look like you go work for me. Totally.
[59:06]
Tom Segura
It looks like a little secret slut.
[59:08]
Bert Kreischer
Doesn't look like dismiss something I say. Like, I go, hey, can we get this? And you go, oh, yeah, whatever, Bert.
[59:12]
Tom Segura
Sure, Bert. Whatever.
[59:14]
Bert Kreischer
There we go. Now you do work for me.
[59:15]
Tom Segura
Doesn't it look like a. Like a secret? Like, you think she's a nice girl? She's really.
[59:21]
Bert Kreischer
Wait, how did they do that? That is great. AI Filter.
[59:24]
Tom Segura
I don't know.
[59:25]
Bert Kreischer
Did they do that without your beard?
[59:27]
Tom Segura
No, I just did it. They just. The. The filter just takes it off. We got to do one of Bert, though.
[59:31]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, do one of me. I'd love to see me as a.
[59:35]
Tom Segura
Would you smash or pass on this?
[59:39]
Bert Kreischer
In college? I probably would have. I. I'd pass if you had big tits. Maybe.
[59:44]
Tom Segura
Maybe in college, maybe not now. Yeah, no, no. That pig.
[59:51]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, you have big tits.
[59:53]
Tom Segura
Yeah. Thanks, man.
[59:55]
Bert Kreischer
I. Your hair is a little bluff for me.
[59:57]
Tom Segura
You don't like the hair?
[59:59]
Bert Kreischer
No. I can tell. I did my highlights.
[60:01]
Tom Segura
More highlights.
[60:02]
Bert Kreischer
More. More highlights. More highlights. And your nose looks like you've been punched a couple times.
[60:07]
Tom Segura
No, I probably have been, like, back talking.
[60:11]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
[60:12]
Tom Segura
What was your thing about Japan?
[60:14]
Bert Kreischer
What about Japan?
[60:15]
Tom Segura
You asked us to, like. Don't forget. You want to talk about Japan?
[60:18]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, dude, I had the. I mean, I know that I'm. I know that I say stupid sometimes. I just had the realization that plutonium is real. Like, it's not created. It's a rock they dig up in Africa.
[60:35]
Tom Segura
Wait, what did you. I don't understand.
[60:36]
Bert Kreischer
I. I assumed the nuclear bombs and plutonium and all that nuclear energy, I assume that was created in a lab.
[60:46]
Tom Segura
Okay. I never knew that you can actually dig up plutonium.
[60:49]
Bert Kreischer
I thought that was you saw in superhero movies. Oh, I didn't know plutonium was a real rock they dug up in Africa. And then we bought, like, a hundred tons of plutonium, and then we created bombs with it. Like, I had no clue.
[61:09]
Tom Segura
Is that why you're tying it to Japan?
[61:11]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. Cause I was just studying. Not studying. But I was reading about. Or not reading, I was listening to a podcast about. You know what I'm trying to say?
[61:18]
Tom Segura
Yeah. Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
[61:20]
Bert Kreischer
And Nagasaki. Did you know that Nagasaki was their second choice?
[61:27]
Tom Segura
I had seen this in one of the docs.
[61:31]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, the Nagasaki. They went to go bomb a better city first and they had cloud coverage and they're like, fuck it, let's just do Nagasaki.
[61:38]
Tom Segura
Oh no, I didn't know that.
[61:39]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, they. They were supposed to do a different city and they couldn't see it from cloud coverage, so they just did Nagasaki. But plutonium, you can like out of all the rocks, right? You get diamonds, you get gold, you get silver, you get platinum, you get all these different metals and rocks. Plutonium is a natural thing that grow that you is. You have to get cancer if you dig up plutonium, right?
[62:09]
Tom Segura
I don't even know. I have. I have. No, you're.
[62:11]
Bert Kreischer
Where do we get plutonium from? I think it's Africa. Which find out is crazy that you can get plutonium from Africa. That's wild.
[62:23]
Tom Segura
Plutonium primarily produce a nuclear reactors through a process called neutron capture. While trace amounts of plutonium exists naturally in the earth's crust under specific geological conditions. Most plutonium is man made.
[62:39]
Bert Kreischer
Okay.
[62:39]
Tom Segura
The main process involves uranium 238 absorbing neutrons, transforming it into neptunium 239 which then decays into plutonium 239. So it is actually mostly man made, but they.
[62:51]
Bert Kreischer
But you can also dig it up like for. I think for our first bomb. We bought plutonium from Africa.
[62:59]
Tom Segura
Really?
[63:00]
Bert Kreischer
I think so. I'm. I don't know. Fucking don't listen to me.
[63:06]
Tom Segura
Plutonium occurs naturally trace amounts. Let's see. It is found in nature in extremely small quantities. I don't know. Doesn't say here where.
[63:21]
Bert Kreischer
Type in Manhattan Project and purchase plutonium.
[63:27]
Tom Segura
Okay. Manhattan Project purchased. Plutonium was produced as an alternative to enrich uranium for the use in atomic bombs. Was the dropped on Nagasaki. The project's Hanford site was dedicated to plutonium production.
[63:48]
Bert Kreischer
I wonder if we bought uranium.
[63:52]
Tom Segura
Maybe it was purchase price.
[63:54]
Bert Kreischer
Dude, let's buy some plutonium.
[63:58]
Tom Segura
Okay.
[63:59]
Bert Kreischer
Plutonium wedding rings.
[64:00]
Tom Segura
Yeah. They needed large quantities of uranium. 14% was acquired from the Colorado Plateau. Okay. Yeah. It sounds like you need to listen to that podcast again. Actually.
[64:16]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
[64:17]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[64:17]
Bert Kreischer
Not the best. I listen to podcasts while I sleep.
[64:20]
Tom Segura
And they kind of like half stays in your head.
[64:23]
Bert Kreischer
Can I tell you? What I'm looking for is a nice adventure.
[64:26]
Tom Segura
Okay. Here you go. You were right. What the sort of well, they purchased uranium from what is now the Congo in Africa.
[64:34]
Bert Kreischer
Yes.
[64:35]
Tom Segura
Yes. Yeah, there you go.
[64:39]
Bert Kreischer
I would love. If you could. If you guys could make this, I would love a great adventure podcast.
[64:48]
Tom Segura
Adventure History.
[64:50]
Bert Kreischer
Adventure podcast. So start with history. So I fall asleep, right? So tell me about the Manhattan Project or whatever. And then like 20 minutes in, plug me into the adventure.
[65:03]
Tom Segura
Oh, okay.
[65:04]
Bert Kreischer
So like, start talking about the Manhattan Project and then be like. And that's when they had to go to the Congo. And then start talking about going to the Congo. We've got our guns on the boat. There's crocodiles everywhere. The natives are hiding in trees with blow darts. And we gotta think. And next to you is a beautiful Congolese woman with no bra. She's grabbing your dick, she's jerking it off.
[65:30]
Tom Segura
Oh, wow.
[65:31]
Bert Kreischer
Sucking your cock. And then. Because I dream about. I dream about whatever I listen to.
[65:35]
Tom Segura
Sure.
[65:36]
Bert Kreischer
The other day I had a big. I had a dream that Big J was trying to board the Titanic and I was like, I can't let you on, Jay. You're not going to be on the upper class. They're going to keep you on the lower decks. We got Jay. Trust me. Listen to me, buddy, with your earrings and your. They're not going to welcome you. You need to be. And so I dream about whatever I listen to. But I would love to. And by the way, put Sprinkle some ads in. But I would love a podcast that took me. It bored me. So I fell asleep and took me on adventure and then gave me a wet dream and then was like, brought to you by Coca Cola.
[66:07]
Tom Segura
I mean, it sounds like you should maybe pitch. Oh, my God.
[66:09]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, shut the fuck up. Shut. I look hot as fuck. I look smashable. Holy. I'm hotter than Leanne.
[66:23]
Tom Segura
But you look like a woman that's been through some like that.
[66:28]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, yeah, no, I. I've been on the casting couch before. Yeah, I didn't get this part for my talent.
[66:33]
Tom Segura
No, this woman is. Is. Is like run through, but I. I like it good. Like, you know, it's like. Yeah, you're like a hot older.
[66:43]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, I look like a mom in an 80s sitcom.
[66:47]
Tom Segura
Yeah, dude, but like on her fourth marriage, you know, I love white wine.
[66:52]
Bert Kreischer
I love Virginia Slims.
[66:55]
Tom Segura
This lady.
[66:55]
Bert Kreischer
I played tennis on the weekend, but I only play the first match and then I give up and start drinking.
[67:00]
Tom Segura
Yeah, that's overuse of lipstick, too. Jesus. Are you saying it looks like Jennifer Tilly?
[67:08]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, I do look like Gentilly a little bit, don't I?
[67:10]
Tom Segura
A Little bit. A little bit, yeah.
[67:11]
Bert Kreischer
Do I have an accent?
[67:13]
Tom Segura
That woman? No. Look at that.
[67:17]
Bert Kreischer
You.
[67:19]
Tom Segura
Got nice eyes.
[67:20]
Bert Kreischer
I have beautiful eyes.
[67:22]
Tom Segura
Yeah. Yeah. I'm so much more wholesome.
[67:26]
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
[67:28]
Tom Segura
Yeah. My. My chick is, like, wholesome.
[67:31]
Bert Kreischer
Post those to Instagram today.
[67:34]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[67:35]
Bert Kreischer
And say, who would you smash, Bert or Tom?
[67:38]
Tom Segura
Oh, I think we know who the answer is going to be. Look at. Look at that. Yeah. I look like such a nice girl. You're the one who's like, come with me. I'll show you how to get a man. That's what it looks like. That you would take.
[67:50]
Bert Kreischer
Okay. I, I, I, I want you to come in me. You let people come in you.
[67:55]
Tom Segura
Right? I'm just like.
[67:56]
Bert Kreischer
You do it because you're needy and you're like, I want them to like me. I just go, I want to be. I want to be abused.
[68:02]
Tom Segura
Yeah, you definitely. You asked to get, like, choked out and spit on. Slap.
[68:06]
Bert Kreischer
Oh, yeah.
[68:07]
Tom Segura
That's what your makeup's covering, all the bruises.
[68:09]
Bert Kreischer
Oh. And you're like, I love sucking dick and. But you don't really love sucking dick, and you don't love watching sports, but you tell people you love sports.
[68:17]
Tom Segura
Yep. That's very good. All right, you've seen these two. Let us know who you want to bang. Yeah, we gotta run, but this was fun.
[68:27]
Bert Kreischer
I love you.
[68:27]
Tom Segura
Love you, too, man. See you guys next week.
[68:32]
Bert Kreischer
One goes top us while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories, and Burt's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call two bears, one cave.