Growing Up With A Serial Killer w/ Ari Shaffir | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Summary

Detailed Summary of "Growing Up With A Serial Killer w/ Ari Shaffir" | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Released on January 6, 2025, hosted by YMH Studios featuring comedians Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer alongside guest Ari Shaffir.

---

1. Introduction and Welcome (00:00 - 00:25)

The episode kicks off with Bert Kreischer and Tom Segura warmly welcoming comedian Ari Shaffir to "Two Bears, One Cave." Tom introduces Ari’s upcoming Netflix special titled "America's Sweetheart," set to premiere on January 14th.

Tom Segura (00:05): "Our next guest has a new special dropping on Netflix on January 14th. It's called America's Sweetheart."

Ari expresses his excitement and gratitude for the welcome, setting a friendly and upbeat tone for the episode.

---

2. Discussing Ari's New Special and Career Aspirations (00:26 - 10:33)

Bert delves into a deeper conversation about Ari's intentions behind his new special. Highlighting Ari's unique approach to comedy—eschewing traditional career motivations like money-making and touring—Bert probes what Ari hopes to achieve.

Bert Kreischer (00:32): "As someone who doesn't care about making money, touring, keeping ticket prices low... what are you hoping comes out of this special?"

Ari responds thoughtfully, hinting at a desire to push boundaries and potentially disrupt his own career trajectory rather than seek conventional success.

The conversation humorously shifts to discussions about celebrity antics, specifically Shaquille O'Neal's (Shaq) infamous FaceTime habits, bringing levity and showcasing the hosts' playful rapport.

---

3. Anecdotes About Shaq and Comedic Observations (03:00 - 10:33)

The trio shares amusing stories and observations about Shaq, blending humor with sharp commentary. They discuss Shaq's oversized physical presence and how it affects everyday situations, such as toilet usage and the size of his teeth brushes.

Bert Kreischer (01:49): "He shits. You don't have a video of his?"

Tom Segura (01:24): "I want to see that bowl."

These lighthearted exchanges highlight the comedians' knack for finding humor in the quirks of larger-than-life personalities.

---

4. Exploring Relationships and Fame's Impact (10:34 - 26:43)

A significant segment focuses on Ari's personal life, particularly his relationship with musician Zach Bryan. The discussion unveils the complexities that fame brings to personal relationships. Bert shares his critical perspective, suggesting that Zach, despite his talent, struggles with celebrity pressures and isn't a legitimate match for Brianna (referred to humorously as "Brianna Chicken Fry").

Bert Kreischer (08:10): "He got famous. He doesn't have any real friends. Starts dating this chick."

Ari defends his perspective, emphasizing the challenges of maintaining authenticity amidst rising fame.

The hosts humorously debate the correct pronunciation of "Breonna Taylor," leading to playful confusion and showcasing their chemistry.

---

5. Navigating Public Persona and Media Interactions (28:08 - 40:18)

The conversation shifts to Ari's interactions with fans and public figures. Bert recounts engaging with online communities like "black Twitter" and "Korean Twitter," highlighting the often contentious nature of public discourse.

Bert Kreischer (28:16): "I told you the time I got in a fight with black Twitter."

They exchange tips on interacting with comedians and navigating praise and criticism, using humor to dissect social dynamics.

Ari shares stories about dealing with confrontational individuals, emphasizing the importance of maintaining composure and integrity.

---

6. Dark Humor and Serial Killer Anecdotes (67:08 - 79:59)

In a stark shift, Bert reveals a deeply personal and dark aspect of his past—growing up with a serial killer. This candid disclosure adds emotional depth to the episode.

Bert Kreischer (67:08): "I grew up with a serial killer."

The discussion navigates through heavy themes with their characteristic dark humor. They explore hypothetical scenarios and ethical dilemmas, such as contemplating the nature of evil and the challenges of living near someone dangerous.

Ari Shaffir (69:26): "Do you think the...: "... having a serial killer around impacts your worldview?"

This segment intertwines personal anecdotes with broader societal issues, offering listeners a blend of humor and introspection.

---

7. Reflections on Health Care and Personal Struggles (80:00 - 86:07)

The trio touches upon the intricacies of the healthcare system, sharing personal frustrations and experiences with medical professionals.

Tom Segura (51:32): "They're putting less time on your treatment and more on the cost."

Bert discusses recurring health issues, such as kidney infections, highlighting systemic shortcomings and the personal toll they take.

Bert Kreischer (53:15): "This is a very ignorant question... If you have more money, I guess you have better health care."

Their candid conversations shed light on real-life struggles, using humor as a coping mechanism.

---

8. Closing Stories and Final Banter (80:07 - End)

As the episode nears its end, the hosts and Ari share final anecdotes that blend humor with poignant reflections. Bert recounts a tense interaction at an airport bar, illustrating the lingering effects of his past experiences.

Bert Kreischer (73:28): "I walked away. This is what upset me the most, is that she was someone goes, do you know who you just did that to?"

The conversation circles back to Ari’s Netflix special, with Tom and Bert encouraging listeners to mark their calendars.

Tom Segura (79:51): "America's Sweetheart premieres January 14th on Netflix."

The episode concludes with lighthearted jokes and expressions of camaraderie, leaving listeners entertained and reflective.

---

Notable Quotes with Timestamps:

• Tom Segura (00:05): "Our next guest has a new special dropping on Netflix on January 14th. It's called America's Sweetheart."

• Bert Kreischer (00:32): "As someone who doesn't care about making money, touring, keeping ticket prices low... what are you hoping comes out of this special?"

• Bert Kreischer (06:23): "Brianna Chicken Fried."

• Ari Shaffir (06:27): "She's Breonna Taylor."

• Bert Kreischer (67:08): "I grew up with a serial killer."

• Tom Segura (51:32): "They're putting less time on your treatment and more on the cost."

• Ari Shaffir (69:26): "Do you think the...": "... having a serial killer around impacts your worldview?"

• Bert Kreischer (73:28): "I walked away. This is what upset me the most, is that she was someone goes, do you know who you just did that to?"

---

Conclusion

In this episode of "Two Bears, One Cave," Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer engage in a multifaceted conversation with comedian Ari Shaffir. They navigate through lighthearted banter, personal stories, and darker themes, all while maintaining their signature comedic flair. The episode offers listeners a blend of humor, introspection, and candid discussions on fame, personal struggles, and the complexities of human relationships. Ari's forthcoming Netflix special serves as a central theme, tying together the diverse topics explored throughout the hour-long dialogue.

Transcript

[Bert Kreischer]

100%.

[Tom Segura]

And welcome to another episode of Two Bears One Cave. Our next guest has a new special dropping on Netflix on January 14th. It's called America's Sweetheart.

[Ari Shafir]

That's what I am.

[Bert Kreischer]

Ari.

[Tom Segura]

Shabir.

[Ari Shafir]

Thanks, guys. Good to be here. Nice to see you boys again.

[Tom Segura]

Good to see you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Congratulations.

[Tom Segura]

Congrats.

[Ari Shafir]

Thank you.

[Bert Kreischer]

You excited?

[Ari Shafir]

I'm pretty excited, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

When did you shoot this one?

[Ari Shafir]

April. DC and dc, End of April.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm always curious, as a self destructive comic, what are your intentions for this special? As someone who doesn't care about making money, touring, keeping ticket prices low, and kind of likes to blow up their own career, what are you hoping comes out of this special?

[Ari Shafir]

Good question.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, what do you want? Do you want like Bradley Cooper to call you and be like, you're so talented?

[Ari Shafir]

No, no, that's not what I think. That would be bad.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Ari Shafir]

Hey, it's Brad. You get a phone call one day. It's Brad.

[Bert Kreischer]

Which he FaceTimes. He FaceTimes.

[Ari Shafir]

He just FaceTimes. What a geezer.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, he's awesome.

[Ari Shafir]

That's my mom does.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's what I do.

[Ari Shafir]

FaceTimes.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's what Shaq does. He does FaceTime, FaceTime, everyone.

[Ari Shafir]

If I was Shaq, I would just FaceTime straight to Dick all the time.

[Tom Segura]

Wow.

[Ari Shafir]

How could you not?

[Tom Segura]

It's such a bold move. I know.

[Bert Kreischer]

He FaceTime you taking a shit?

[Tom Segura]

One time he was taking a. Yeah. What I would love to see.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I was on stage.

[Ari Shafir]

How big are his dumps?

[Tom Segura]

That's what I'm saying. I want to see that bowl.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I got videos.

[Tom Segura]

Shits. You don't have a video of his?

[Bert Kreischer]

I almost certain I do go to his.

[Tom Segura]

So he showed you the bowl?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, hold on.

[Ari Shafir]

You went in there afterwards? Just kind of sniffed around.

[Tom Segura]

Doesn't have a auto flusher.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, but think about how big. How big? No, I just help. You ever sit in a toilet and your dick hits the bowl?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, hey, he's got to get extra big toilets.

[Tom Segura]

The volume. I took a shit at his house and I was thinking about that. I was like, oh man, this is where he shits.

[Ari Shafir]

Because also it must be. We went to the Philadelphia whatever. Like all their, like the 76ers. All the toilets, like way higher. The urinals start here?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah. Short is six, five. Right, right.

[Bert Kreischer]

So I'm going to take a.

[Tom Segura]

He's going to take a. Okay. And wait, you. You have the aftermath.

[Ari Shafir]

He's farting his way in. Oh.

[Tom Segura]

No. There. I would love A count on how many times. Like, if there was a running life, count how many times he's hit his head on a doorway. Like, it's probably in the thousands, right? Where he's just like. Like, fuck. Because everyone's experienced it, but it's a daily occurrence for him. Nothing is made for that man, ever.

[Bert Kreischer]

Nothing. Toothbrushes. His teeth are bigger like a toothbrush. He's got to go.

[Tom Segura]

Like, he said that for a water bottle. When I sat down with him, I was like, what's up? He's like, these fucking little things. It was a regular water bottle, and he just squeezes it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Have you seen the special?

[Ari Shafir]

Shack has a special now. Come on. Netflix.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it's called Shaq. No, it's. It's on the Magic penny Hardway. And Shaq, when you see Shaq at 22, buddy that he is, I mean, undeniable, because he was lean and powerful, 300 pounds.

[Tom Segura]

He was 285 when he got in the league, and he was LSU. And he. Yeah, and he ran. He would run the. Remember, he would, like, sometimes take the ball up himself. They would just dish it, and he would run up the court. The way he would move.

[Bert Kreischer]

I asked him. I asked him when I was dating a girl who lived in Orlando on the same lake Shaq did and in college. And, you know, like, you know, white men or some older white men at that time would just be like, man, Shaq's a wild man. You know what he does? They take their jet skis and they run them from the lake into his pool. And I wanted to know if that was real. Jack goes, yeah, we did that. He would take his jet ski, go as fast as they could on the lake, and then get on the grass and try to get it all the way up to the pool.

[Tom Segura]

Sounds right.

[Bert Kreischer]

And you're looking at just dentists going, what the fuck?

[Ari Shafir]

My favorite with him was. Was in Jackass. And he starts with, like. He's holding Wee man, but you can't see him. It's just here to here. He goes, I'm skilling eel. This is bowling for whatever. And then it pans out. He's got Wee man. And then all of them are lined up. 1, 2, 3, and 4. And he just throws we man at all of them. But my favorite, he's doing some setup shot, and somebody comes with a water balloon and hits him. And he's like. It's like that. And he just, like, looks at the camera guy. He goes, was that piss? Camera Goes, yeah. He goes. And then Just takes off after this guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Have you seen. Have you seen the video of Philip Seymour Hoffman falling off a V?

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you type in Philip Seymour Hoffman commercial? Guitar fall. It is. I saw it this morning and I was like, what? It's a real. Yeah, that's it. That's it. This is insane.

[Ari Shafir]

Did his own stunts. Phillips.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, this.

[Tom Segura]

This is from a commercial.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I think so. Watch this.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, go, go.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, you go.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, this is in. What's it called?

[Ari Shafir]

Hey, this is Dean Trumbull for the Mattress Man.

[Tom Segura]

Give me a call at 3 7. The porn movies for 99 and King set for 129.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, man. You all right?

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, yeah, man.

[Tom Segura]

You okay?

[Ari Shafir]

I was afraid that was going to happen. I was afraid it was going to.

[Tom Segura]

Happen with that goddamn thing.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Ari Shafir]

No, I'm fine. Did you get it on film?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, we got it.

[Ari Shafir]

That's great. That's a pro.

[Bert Kreischer]

Or someone that is using heroin.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

I don't feel anything.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's a legit fault.

[Tom Segura]

That definitely sucked, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm sorry.

[Ari Shafir]

Second bounce. And then it was like, now it's trouble.

[Bert Kreischer]

I saw it this morning and I was like, that's.

[Ari Shafir]

That.

[Bert Kreischer]

You got to go to the hospital.

[Tom Segura]

Definitely sucks. Were you searching?

[Bert Kreischer]

It just came up. All that's in my feed right now. All that's in my feed is Shane Gillis clips. The Ovon clips.

[Ari Shafir]

Got the Shane Gillis ones. Come non stop.

[Bert Kreischer]

Non stop.

[Tom Segura]

Shane. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

The CEO shooter. Rihanna Chicken Fried.

[Ari Shafir]

Rihanna Chicken.

[Bert Kreischer]

Rihanna Chicken Fry. You know, are you familiar with the Biana Chicken Fried.

[Ari Shafir]

Say her name.

[Bert Kreischer]

Brianna Chicken Fried.

[Ari Shafir]

Say your name.

[Bert Kreischer]

Am I saying it wrong?

[Tom Segura]

Say it again.

[Bert Kreischer]

Brianna Chicken Fried.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, you're saying it wrong.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, you say it.

[Tom Segura]

Brianna Chicken Fry.

[Bert Kreischer]

Huh?

[Ari Shafir]

I'm talking about Breonna Taylor.

[Bert Kreischer]

Who the fuck are you talking about?

[Ari Shafir]

Say her name.

[Bert Kreischer]

I feel like. I feel like. Brianna Chicken Fried.

[Tom Segura]

Why do you keep saying.

[Bert Kreischer]

Who the fuck are you talking. I don't even think you know who I'm talking about.

[Tom Segura]

I know exactly who you're talking about. Brianna Chicken Fry.

[Bert Kreischer]

Who is she dating?

[Tom Segura]

She was dating that country singer. What's his name? I forgot his name right now.

[Bert Kreischer]

Zach Bryant.

[Tom Segura]

Zach Bryant. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Why do you keep saying her name wrong?

[Ari Shafir]

She's a lunar.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm not saying her name wrong.

[Tom Segura]

You are. You keep saying it wrong.

[Bert Kreischer]

He just typed it in. Beyond a chicken fried. Where you keep saying chicken fry.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

[Bert Kreischer]

Fry.

[Ari Shafir]

You said chicken fried.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. You said fried every time.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I know. Okay. What it Said. Which is it? I mean, we're really splitting hairs over a fucking name. Make believe me.

[Ari Shafir]

I mean, it's a good point. That's a good point. It's not a real name.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Bri. Bri LaPaglia.

[Ari Shafir]

Who is she?

[Bert Kreischer]

She is. She had a podcast with Grace O'Malley.

[Ari Shafir]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I guess Zach Brian, who's hotter?

[Tom Segura]

She used to hang out at the store. Did she go to the store?

[Ari Shafir]

No. Really? I mean, she was a lot of attention.

[Tom Segura]

Maybe I'm thinking of somebody else.

[Bert Kreischer]

Here's the deal. Do you know any of the gossip? Because I want to run it all by you and see what you think.

[Ari Shafir]

Run it by me. I don't.

[Bert Kreischer]

So, Zach Brian, I'm gonna. I'm gonna jump in, throw my two cents in.

[Ari Shafir]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's getting rid of you.

[Ari Shafir]

Talk about 2 cents. I'm all ears.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Ari Shafir]

Is there any way I get you up to three?

[Tom Segura]

Those two cents really add up, right? Two here, two there, two everywhere. All of a sudden you got 10 cents. Go ahead.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's.

[Ari Shafir]

Now the government's working for you.

[Bert Kreischer]

You do that all the time. That's so great. So, Zach Brian. Zach Bryan. I don't know how to say his last name.

[Ari Shafir]

I don't know if it's Brian or Bryant.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's one of the two. Zachary and her. He, apparently. This is my two cents for everything. He got famous. He doesn't have any real friends. Starts dating this chick.

[Ari Shafir]

Out of his league.

[Bert Kreischer]

Out of his league. Doesn't deserve her in real life. She'd never date him.

[Ari Shafir]

Yep.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think she said she was in love with him. I don't think she had. I don't think she really compartmentalized how much the fame and doing arenas and dating the guy standing in front of the arena mattered into that. That's just my opinion.

[Ari Shafir]

She was already a public figure before they started dating.

[Bert Kreischer]

No. I mean, she was. She had a podcast, but she wasn't who she is today. Trouble. Yeah. And so. But apparently he just gets famous and he can't control it. He doesn't know how to deal with it. And. And he just is a pretty bad boyfriend to her. And from what everyone says. Here's the weird part is that anytime he acts up, her friends are around, they always record him.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. It's pretty rough.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And there's how bad of a boyfriend he was. He's. He gets drunk, and while she's sleeping, he just starts recording her and waking her up and going, how you like that, huh? Yeah. So it's Not. It's not the relationship.

[Ari Shafir]

It's also not gonna catch her or anything. What's she gonna catch Doing.

[Bert Kreischer]

The relationship was doomed. Hot chick, ugly guy, lots of money, can't trust anyone.

[Tom Segura]

He's a star.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's a star. And he's a really talented and he's good. But I'm.

[Ari Shafir]

The dynamic is way off. Because guitar, he's doing anything. She.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, he's.

[Tom Segura]

He's changing her tires. It looks like a guy that would fill up the tires at the shop. And then she'd be like, thank you. And that would be the highlight of his day. You see that chick pull him. And I filled up her tires, bro.

[Ari Shafir]

Tell us about what she smelled like.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, exactly. That would be the full story.

[Bert Kreischer]

She is absolutely beautiful. She really is. And he's, you know, I. I just don't see if he's not a country western star. Him getting her.

[Ari Shafir]

He doesn't look country. Also, it was like Michael Buble type of music.

[Bert Kreischer]

He is. He's country. He is. He's really talented.

[Ari Shafir]

Is that. We're all fishing.

[Bert Kreischer]

Anyway. Anyway, they break up, okay? He says, Yo, $12 million. Let's never talk about this relationship again.

[Ari Shafir]

Wait, wait, wait. He just gave her $12 million?

[Bert Kreischer]

You gotta sign an NDA.

[Ari Shafir]

Why? She's already recorded everything.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow. How much money does he make?

[Tom Segura]

The tour grows 199 million.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow. That's a lot. Zach.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I take everything I said back about him.

[Ari Shafir]

I think he's right behind Bad Bone.

[Bert Kreischer]

Good looking and talented. I'm a big fan.

[Ari Shafir]

Coldplay is too.

[Bert Kreischer]

He is. Hang on. Okay, this is the one part where I think Brianna got confused with emotions and loving a person as opposed to what it's like hanging out with number eight on the worldwide top touring artist list. When you hang out with number eight, you always fly private. You always have meals prepared. You have people getting you anything you want. Life is different. That is a 1% motherfucker. And she got a taste of what it's like to be with the 1 percenters and she liked it.

[Ari Shafir]

All you gotta do is not stir the pot. And that's one thing she couldn't do.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no. He broke up with her. He broke up with her because I think he's just. Dude. I think he doesn't understand how fucking would have mind fucked. Being number eight on this list is for him. He's trying to be a real dude. And there's no way you can be real when you're number eight. That's just impossible. Bad Bunny is in front of him. The guy changed his name to Bad Bunny.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, well, no one on the list is a reasonable person. Not one. They're all out of their minds because that's what. Yeah, and I think he's full of too. You know, Madonna's crazy, Metallica guys. It's a spectrum.

[Bert Kreischer]

But yeah, Brianna needs to realize she's hanging out with a young Madonna.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, exactly, a young Madonna.

[Ari Shafir]

No one knows who Luis Miguel is. No one of us have ever heard of that name before. He's fourth in the world.

[Tom Segura]

This is how his life is. He will go perform and I'm saying, soaking, soaking, sweating. Take that shirt off, throw it. And the women will take it and drink the water from his sweat.

[Bert Kreischer]

Fucking for real.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, dude. What do you think that does to your head? Yeah, he's not a well adjusted guy. There's no fucking way. Playoffs. We're talking about playoffs. You bet we are. Get in on the action at DraftKings Sportsbook, an official sports betting partner of the NFL. Scoring touchdowns is key to winning in the playoffs. And you can score big by betting on them at DraftKings, the number one place to bet touchdowns. Ready to place your first bet? Try betting on something simple like a player. To score six, go to the DraftKings sportsbook app and make your your pick. I mean, this is what it's all about. Having an intense emotional investment in the game. And there's no more fun than doing it at DraftKings and keeping your eye on every score. We love DraftKings sportsbook. It's the most fun way to engage when watching a game. New DraftKings customers can bet $5 to get $250 in bonus bets instantly. Download the DraftKings sportsbook app and use the Code Bears. That's Code Bears for new customers to get $250 in bonus bets instantly. When you bet just five bucks only on DraftKings sportsbook, the crown is yours.

[Bert Kreischer]

Gambling problem. Call 1-800-GAMBLER in New York. Call 877-8-HOPENY or text hopeny 467-369 In Connecticut, help is available for problem gambling. Call 888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org Please play responsibly on behalf. Cinnamon Resort in Kansas. 21 and over. Age and eligibility varies by jurisdiction. Void. In Ontario, bonus bets expire 168 hours after issuance. For additional terms and responsible gaming resources, see dkng co audio. Oh 2025. A new you and a new year full of possibilities. But don't let the bad times of 2024 bring you down. This year reach new heights with Via. Trusted by over half a million happy customers, Via is the Swiss army knife of wellness, dedicated to harnessing the natural benefits of hemp to create high quality wellness products. Whether you're looking to improve your sleep, focus recovery, add a little pep into your step, or just get high, Via has something for you and for me. I enjoy Via so much. And guess what? They have these no THC ones that Leanne takes and she loves them. Our sleep has never been better. Their products range from 0 milligrams to 100 milligrams of THC. So these guys have you covered whether you're looking to microdose or enjoy more potent effects. If you're 21 and up, check out the link to Via in our description and use the code bears to receive 15% off. And if you're new to Via, get a free gift of your choice. After you purchase, they're going to ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them that we sent you this year. Enhance your everyday with Via. I mean, it's a mind fuck, all this. So he offers her $12 million, says, don't say a fucking word. Let's just break up. It's over.

[Ari Shafir]

That seems plenty.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right. She doesn't take it.

[Ari Shafir]

She doesn't take it. She can get more.

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Ari Shafir]

On the market.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no. She says, my silence is invaluable. I need to tell my story. And so she goes, she's like, this.

[Tom Segura]

Is going to get some downloads because I'm a podcast.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And you know, Portnoy was like, you should come on my podcast and talk about it.

[Tom Segura]

So hers podcast had to be pretty big, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

She had one with Grace, was a good podcast. It was a really cool podcast.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then she has one with. With Dave Portnoy and Josh and all.

[Ari Shafir]

The time or just an episode all the time.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's called bff.

[Ari Shafir]

Why she call herself Chicken Fry?

[Bert Kreischer]

I think it's. I don't know. It's not from him. Like, I think he's before. It's before. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

It's just a nickname.

[Bert Kreischer]

But Dave's like, you know, Dave's like, burn the bridges. Tell your father.

[Ari Shafir]

I don't know Zach Brian. Go.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, no. Dave knows Zach Brian and does not like him.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, Zach Brian kicked his dog out of a green room.

[Tom Segura]

Well, here's the origin. She compared her leg once to a Burger King chicken fry.

[Ari Shafir]

Okay. Just needle dick first Observation. This chick fucking sucks. No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. No, this chick sucks.

[Ari Shafir]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

You'd fucking fall in love with her. She's funny.

[Ari Shafir]

She's only funny if you look at her face on paper. This chick sucks.

[Bert Kreischer]

She.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh. Oh, my. My leg is like a fry from McDonald's.

[Bert Kreischer]

From Burger.

[Ari Shafir]

Everyone will say that now. God, hot chicks will make you think they're funny when they are not.

[Tom Segura]

That. That is a true thing. Yes, that's true.

[Ari Shafir]

When you're like. If you put them in a fat guy's body, they're just annoying. Same joke.

[Bert Kreischer]

Let me try it. Come on.

[Ari Shafir]

Egg.

[Tom Segura]

Chicken fry.

[Bert Kreischer]

David, chicken fry, man. David. Burnt chicken fry. She's. She's not that bad, but what do you think? And then now her and Grace are having a falling out, so Grace.

[Ari Shafir]

Because she sucks.

[Tom Segura]

Wait, why are they having a falling out?

[Bert Kreischer]

Because I just partied with Grace.

[Ari Shafir]

Grace fucking Zach Bryan now.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, Grace sniffed it out day one. She's like, this guy fucking sucks. You got to hear. Wait, Grace, why are they.

[Tom Segura]

Why are they having a.

[Ari Shafir]

Because she didn't listen to it?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, because I think. I don't know why they had a falling out. But now they broke up their podcast. Grace went out and doing stand up show putting for Whitney, and she went out.

[Ari Shafir]

Wait, wait, wait.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love.

[Ari Shafir]

Okay, go ahead.

[Tom Segura]

You needed to just process that.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Okay, she's doing stand up now. Immediately jumps to theater tours. Okay, go ahead. I love these people that are like, I worked hard. I practiced for over seven months to get where I'm at.

[Bert Kreischer]

Grace, Grace and Briana together.

[Ari Shafir]

Have any of these bitches done a year of featuring on the road to hopefully turn ten into headline gig?

[Bert Kreischer]

I can't tell you that. I don't know the answer to that. I don't know the answer to that. But I like them together. I like them separate. I kind of like Zach Bryan's music. My question is, is, is it worth the 12 million? Do you sign it? Shut your mouth. Never say a fucking word.

[Tom Segura]

Her circumstances come into play in that decision. There's the integrity of, like, my silence. But it's also like, you know, if she was, you know, working at Burger King, serving chicken fries and someone's like, Here's $12 million. You probably would probably. I'm saying she's probably in a good position to be able to do that.

[Bert Kreischer]

How much do you think she makes on a podcast?

[Tom Segura]

No fucking idea.

[Ari Shafir]

Two million a year, tops.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know. I don't know. I've never heard enough where it didn't sway her to Jump on it. So, yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. If you offer Rogan $12 million, he was like, oh, here's you. I'll give it to you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can I tell you? Here's. Here's what. Here's what bothered me in this whole thing.

[Ari Shafir]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is I. I listen to her podcast where she talks about what it was like dating Zach. She opens up, she kind of slams him pretty aggressively.

[Ari Shafir]

We used to film him and he'd get weird about it.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, she didn't.

[Ari Shafir]

What was her problem?

[Bert Kreischer]

He just. He wasn't a good boyfriend. And you have those. But here you go. I've sold my silence for nothing before. There's people that we had bad issues with that we sold for nothing.

[Ari Shafir]

We just don't talk. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And now the other part is that she opened up everything, and I was like, it's better not to talk sometimes.

[Ari Shafir]

How bad do you want sometimes for just someone to hack your phone and release it? Like, I didn't put it out and all the darkest shit.

[Bert Kreischer]

So just go.

[Tom Segura]

You more than anybody.

[Bert Kreischer]

I feel like I am so fucking vindictive.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I am so fucking vengeful. I have. It's so hard for me to. To forgive and forget because it's like, you know why? And you know this. And you know this is that I get put in a situation where they. And this is why I identify with her, where I get taken advantage of and put in a weird compromising situation. And they just go, fuck him. Fuck him. He'll. What's he gonna do? And you just. And you just go. Because I'm a nice guy. You think I'm weak? Fucking. And so this whole thing kind of fucking bothered me because part of me was like, don't take the money and don't say a fucking word.

[Tom Segura]

I didn't realize you were this invested in this. That's probably the biggest surprise of this whole thing.

[Ari Shafir]

So why was she. Why was he a bad boyfriend?

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, he did more stuff, I'm sure. You know, like, he just said mean things and he. You know, like verbal stuff, I think. I don't know. I don't really.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, those are just.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's.

[Tom Segura]

Maybe could have maybe possibly, I don't know, maybe hit.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know. It's like. It's like, how. I mean, okay. The worst girlfriend you ever had.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

If she did a tell all podcast, just fucking wouldn't be great. I mean, I got a girl. I have a girlfriend. It's just if her friends did a podcast about me, I mean. Oh, man. It's like the worst.

[Ari Shafir]

He'd always finish her food before she was done eating it. I love you guys.

[Tom Segura]

That's the number one complaint. I haven't eaten in years.

[Ari Shafir]

I was like, let me be done first, though.

[Bert Kreischer]

I put salt on Leanne's food the other day.

[Ari Shafir]

You salt on it?

[Tom Segura]

On her, because you're gonna eat it?

[Bert Kreischer]

Because I was gonna eat it. And I was like, those aren't. Hang on, let's get that. She was like, what are you doing? I said, I'm salting your food. Not salty enough. No, I. I just. I think that was the. The thing that was like, I've sold my silence for zero.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. 12 million, though.

[Tom Segura]

Nobody's a lot of money.

[Bert Kreischer]

12 million.

[Ari Shafir]

I. I. 3 or 400,000.

[Tom Segura]

The other thing that's relevant is that, you know, we live in this world now. Everything is like public consumption. But, like, a relationship's supposed to be private. And so for someone to go like, hey, how about the thing that was between us that sucked? You don't talk about. And you're like, I don't know. Unless you go, like, I have to relay this story. Well, if you're relaying, like, like you said, like, being hit or something, like, like real abuse, like, I understand, but if you're just like, yeah, he just sucked, like, why do you have to. Why do you have to tell everybody.

[Ari Shafir]

Who'S the next guy to date her? Like, I could. No, you can't. You got to be on your best every time.

[Tom Segura]

Well, every time you start arguing, you'd be like, is your phone recording this? Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Like, the best is the. Is the Mel Gibson argument with his chicken.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

When she knows she's recording it, he doesn't. And she's being overly calm.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

And that's just making him more enraged.

[Tom Segura]

Of course.

[Ari Shafir]

He's like, what's wrong with you?

[Tom Segura]

He's like, you should blow me.

[Ari Shafir]

You shouldn't talk like that.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Wait, so this is your first. I wanted to point out, this is your welcome back to Netflix, too.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right.

[Ari Shafir]

Weren't you back at 2017?

[Tom Segura]

I was on 2017, yeah. Are you excited that it's there?

[Ari Shafir]

I don't. Honestly, at this point, I don't give a fuck about platform anymore.

[Tom Segura]

Really.

[Ari Shafir]

The most people to see it, which is.

[Tom Segura]

But that's where the most.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. YouTube got sensory.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Did it?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, it started just randomly going. Now we're not going to show anybody this, you said.

[Tom Segura]

So we know the origin of chicken fry. Why America's sweetheart.

[Bert Kreischer]

Great question, great question.

[Ari Shafir]

I am that. You are that yeah, no, I'm trying to get people to get off on, like, get off the news and stuff and try to, like, appreciate the good things in life.

[Tom Segura]

And you got to. They're also going to release Jew.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, they're also Jew.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Their boss was mad. Like, how come we didn't get that? So they were talking to them.

[Tom Segura]

That's great.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, that's awesome.

[Tom Segura]

Does that mean it comes off of YouTube?

[Ari Shafir]

I don't know. I got to ask my. My Jews about that. I don't know. I don't know. I think it might be up to me. What would you do? Would you take it off and, like, guide people to Netflix or keep it? Both.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, take it off.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, wait, wait. We haven't even talked about. We haven't even talked about.

[Ari Shafir]

Wait, what?

[Tom Segura]

What?

[Bert Kreischer]

Never mind.

[Ari Shafir]

Pause there. Let's go to commercial.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Wait, what?

[Bert Kreischer]

Andrew Schultz. Kendrick Lamar. Oh.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, Jesus Christ.

[Ari Shafir]

What a dumb argument that was.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Ari Shafir]

It was based on nothing. It wasn't even like, like, don't talk about black chicks. I don't know. Andrew's just, like, funny about it, and then Kendrick's like a baby.

[Tom Segura]

Did he respond Kendrick to. To Schultz's response?

[Ari Shafir]

Because fans did.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, the fans definitely did.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. They're not like, the smartest.

[Bert Kreischer]

You've had those guys come after you before.

[Ari Shafir]

God, it's so dumb. They're so dumb. The dumbest of those are so dumb. Yeah. So, yeah, yeah, they've come out three pretty hard, but it's like they just get mad about disrespect on a level like, I don't know what you're talking about.

[Tom Segura]

There's this new thing, too, that people do that is in this world where if somebody goes, like, if they would fall, find that story, they see a video and somebody goes, wait, what is like, what's the story here? One of a fan will always go, this is none of your business. Like, stay out of. Stay out of other people's business. And you're like, what? This is a fucking. It's a public platform. People are like, it doesn't involve you.

[Ari Shafir]

And you're like, I'm not on the street. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

This is just. I want to know what the story is here. And they're like, not for you. Okay. Oh, okay.

[Ari Shafir]

How do you know about it?

[Tom Segura]

I'll just ask somebody else. Thanks. Does bluechew work? If you're asking that question, we want you to know that bluechew is putting their money where their mouth is by giving you a month free Bluechew. Is an online service that delivers the same active ingredients as Viagra, Cialis and Levitra, but at a fraction of the cost and in chewable form. Bluechew tablets are made in the USA and prepared and shipped directly to your door. The best part? It's all done online. That means no visits to the doctor's office, no awkward conversations, and no waiting in line at the pharmacy. I want you to know that I did not know what I was capable of until I started chewing up bluechew. I like to do it to start my day and let people discover what I'm made of. And what I'm made of is a rock hard dick. Bluechew wants men super hard. They told me that's the mission. They will not stop until every man is bricked up like a brick house. Till every tent is pitched, till every rod is raised. Discover your [e-mail] you're so much more than you think you are and we've got a special deal for our audience. Try BlueChew free. Just pay $5 shipping at checkout when you visit BlueChew.com that's BlueChew.com to receive your first month free. Visit BlueChew.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank bluechew for sponsoring Two.

[Bert Kreischer]

Bears, One Cave what does the future hold for business? Ask nine experts. You're going to get nine, maybe ten answers. Bull market. Bear market rates will rise. Rates will fall. Can someone please invent a crystal ball? Until then, over 38,000 businesses have future proofed their business with NetSuite by Oracle. The one Cloud ERP bringing accounting, financial management, inventory, HR into one fluid platform with one unified business management suite. There's one source of truth giving you the visibility and control you need to make quick decisions with real time insights. Forecasting, you're peering into the future with actionable data. Whether you're closing the books in days, notes, weeks, you're spending less time looking backwards and more time on what's next. I'm telling you, if you have a business, this is like CEO corporate big, big business all in one fluid platform. It is a no brainer whether your company's earning millions or even hundreds of millions. NetSuite helps you respond to immediate challenges and sees your biggest opportunities. Speaking of opportunity, download the CFO guide to AI and machine learning at netsuite.com bears. The guide is free to you at netsuite.com bears that's netsuite.com bears yeah, who's.

[Ari Shafir]

Going to be like, all right I'll leave it alone then.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, thank you, man. I told you the time I got in a fight with black Twitter.

[Ari Shafir]

About what, spelling?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no. It was V Day gifts for the hood with a hashtag.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, you got involved in it.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I. And I saw it, and I was reading it, and it was like, just. It was like. It was really racist, but it was like. It was black people making the racist jokes. Get her another baby. You know, she already got 10 of them or whatever. And then. So for. I put in. I just Google searched great Valentine's Day gifts and then just put one in. I was like, how about a classy pen? And they fucking went off. They're like, stay out of this, white boy. This ain't for you. Mind your own business. And then I went, okay. How about anything Dungeons and Dragons, son? And they were like, white boy on it. Yeah. And. And then. And I thought it was funny, but then you start getting, like. You start getting death threats.

[Ari Shafir]

It's trolling. It's so fun.

[Tom Segura]

Trolling. It's so fun.

[Ari Shafir]

And then you're getting a rise out of them, and then the rise goes a little bit too far after your mom.

[Bert Kreischer]

I got into it with Korea, too, one time. The whole country. I thought the joke was funny.

[Ari Shafir]

Is that another black chick?

[Bert Kreischer]

Korean Twitter. Korean Twitter. It's. And I said, korean Twitter. I said, how narcissistic for Kim Jong Un to name all his children after himself. He's got Kim Jong Il. Kim Jong. It was just a joke, right? It was like. I thought it was.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I. And then, man. I mean, it was right around Asian Hate month. Yeah. And it was Asian Hate month or whatever it is. Remember?

[Tom Segura]

Whenever you mean stop Asian hate.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes. Oh, maybe it was my hashtag.

[Tom Segura]

It's their month.

[Ari Shafir]

Did they explain you that Kim Jong is actually the last name? They just reverse it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I knew that that was the joke.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was like, ah, I got it.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they were like, this is what's wrong with racist white people. And I was like that. I was like, okay. I just deleted it quick. So I was like, these not worth it. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I got lectured.

[Ari Shafir]

Lectured is such a great.

[Tom Segura]

Such a great thing to have, because I had a. A visceral response to the Will Smith slapping Chris Rock thing.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. You were mad. You're worked up. We're all pretty worked up.

[Tom Segura]

I was worked up. And then I ended up. I let it out online, but then I let it out in interviews. And, like, I think when I. When I let out online, I was also Like, I guess I was typing things out and. And, you know, I just wasn't. I was like, this, like, talking about the wife and like. And also. And people were doing the same thing to me where they were like, this.

[Ari Shafir]

Stay out of.

[Tom Segura]

This ain't your business, man. Stay out of black folk business. And I was like, yeah, that's not what this is. Like, this happened on stage, and this is a comedian that got hit.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Like saying something it's not. And they're like, let them handle this. I was like, no, I could weigh in on this if I want to. But then I was in New York that week, and I'm walking down the street and this black dude just walks by me and he goes. And I was like, oh, this is this. This is like, the residual effect. I was like, oh, now I have to, like, keep my head on a swivel.

[Ari Shafir]

But they were into it.

[Tom Segura]

They were into it. Yeah, yeah, but they were. But then it just became like, it. It started as, like, a emotional reaction, and then I started trolling.

[Ari Shafir]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

Because it was like, they're right there.

[Ari Shafir]

They're presenting themselves.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

It just took off on it. Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, it's the best.

[Tom Segura]

It's fun, though. You're the. You find more joy in that.

[Ari Shafir]

Just get a rise out of people. It's just so fun to deal with. Just like, it rises.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's fun to throw a grenade into a room, shut the door and walk away and go, I don't care what happens.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, let's see them all fight.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I mean, I'm not good at it. I stay offline. Really. Kind of hunt entirely.

[Ari Shafir]

Here's one for the fans. If you want to. Any comedian you meet. Yeah. If you want to with them, all you got to say is, oh, dude, I love your. You're my second favorite comedian.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

If you say you're. You're one of my favorites, they'll take that second favorite. They will all ask who it is, who, who's number one, and then hit them with anything you want, but just see how they react.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Or the other one that gets comedians to go like, wait, what is. If you go. You know who you remind me of?

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, no.

[Tom Segura]

And then they'll be like, cuz. Although all that comedians will do is think of, like, whoever the five best comedians are.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And they'll be like, one of them. Right.

[Ari Shafir]

Bruce Pryor.

[Tom Segura]

And as soon as you say somebody who isn't, they're like, wait, what? Like, you reminded me of who? And that will get any comic fired up. You remind me of. And then just say anybody. Anybody who's not one of the elite five.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Always gets a reaction. By the way, can you do. Because you were doing a really awesome impression before we started.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, yeah?

[Bert Kreischer]

Of who?

[Tom Segura]

Of Winston Churchill.

[Ari Shafir]

Great world leader.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes. Yeah. Let me do it.

[Ari Shafir]

Let's do it. Yeah. Get your glasses on. You might want to turn around and come back. I think that's. That's. That's usually how it works.

[Bert Kreischer]

I write down great Winston Churchill quotes and then I say them to myself. All wayward steps are planted without too much calculation.

[Tom Segura]

But that. It's not a British accent.

[Ari Shafir]

It goes in and out. Ah, wayward.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, wayward.

[Ari Shafir]

It sounds like John F. Kennedy. A little.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is what Winston Churchill sound. I could use a drink. Look at how that's. How good that impression is. I want a drink now. I could use a glass of champagne. Gertrude.

[Tom Segura]

But it sounds like old timey Americana.

[Ari Shafir]

Drew JFK now.

[Bert Kreischer]

Ah. For school and seven years ago.

[Ari Shafir]

Why did you give him Lincoln? Oh, why should you give him Lincoln's words?

[Bert Kreischer]

Everyone join the Peace Corps.

[Ari Shafir]

That's the same as your Winston Church.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, it's very different.

[Ari Shafir]

Definitely not very different. Even you would have not. Not very.

[Tom Segura]

It just sounds.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is jfk. This is Winston Churchill.

[Tom Segura]

It sounds like. It sounds like the 1920s.

[Ari Shafir]

You just went louder.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no. I've been watching this Winston Churchill documentary. I got him down pat. He talks like this.

[Tom Segura]

Wouldn't it be like wayward steps? Like what? Like, would you throw some.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do some. Let me hear a little bit of yours.

[Tom Segura]

Let me see the quote or the quote up.

[Bert Kreischer]

So you got to kind of improv it.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, sure. Just like some guidance. Okay. Our wayward steps are planted without. Best planted with that. What the kind of quote is this?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know. I it up without too much calculation. I mean, he doesn't talk like this.

[Tom Segura]

But at least an accent.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's in Churchill.

[Ari Shafir]

Some accent would go.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, it might like.

[Ari Shafir]

He's not. Oh, wait, what's.

[Bert Kreischer]

What I'm doing is I'm playing chords with a little bit of finger picking. And you're thinking it's just chords.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. You gotta get your ears checked, bro.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, it's the accent. You don't hit. That's what you got to listen for.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is this why we don't do sober October anymore? Maybe because I'm not good at accents?

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. That's what. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right. As a member of both sober October and protect your part.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're the only one you're the only one.

[Ari Shafir]

The only respect in the name.

[Bert Kreischer]

What's that?

[Ari Shafir]

Put respect on the name.

[Bert Kreischer]

We've never watched that episode. We refuse to.

[Ari Shafir]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

We just think it's kind of ridiculous that we got replaced.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just replaced. Straight up. Two new white guys. At least make it diverse. Bring in an Asian or a black guy. No, wait, you didn't pick it.

[Ari Shafir]

I did pick it. I'm the one who.

[Tom Segura]

He brought them there.

[Ari Shafir]

I said, hey, we're going to Skank Fest. We're going to Daily. Who wants you replaced?

[Bert Kreischer]

Us? Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Why?

[Ari Shafir]

Because you were showing me some disrespect off the free drugs I gave you. Not, no, thank you, and then so forth.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, wait, wait.

[Ari Shafir]

And then I said, okay, I'll move on.

[Bert Kreischer]

We got replaced because you drugged me and I didn't enjoy it. You did enjoy it, but no, hold on.

[Ari Shafir]

Act like you.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're. Hold on. I. I thought Joe replaced us.

[Ari Shafir]

I said to Joe and Tom, hey, and Tom. Yeah, I'm going to be in Austin. I sent them both texts with Norman and Shane, and I said, we're going to. We got to go to Houston. We can stop for a day before. You want, like a four. And Joe's like, yeah, just so you know.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I don't care.

[Ari Shafir]

Right?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just, you know, I'm the only one that cares.

[Ari Shafir]

Tom's like, I'm running an empire. I don't.

[Bert Kreischer]

I have a career also. But like. But also I do go. I wish it would be fun to get that Joe.

[Ari Shafir]

To get that laid back.

[Bert Kreischer]

The fun to protect your parks. Joe is not sober. October.

[Ari Shafir]

No, it's pretty close. It's pretty close. We just get tuned up and fucking. All you do is. None of us challenge them to fucking workouts. None of us on protective parts. Go, let's do a push.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think I'm getting the. I think I'm understanding. Am I the problem?

[Tom Segura]

You're the factor. I wouldn't say problem.

[Ari Shafir]

You're a factor. You're a key factor, for sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

I like.

[Tom Segura]

My part of it is that when you come in, he. He's going like, how's this guy alive? You know?

[Ari Shafir]

You're the self help guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, he's self help guy.

[Ari Shafir]

No, no, you're not self help. But he's like, let's help this guy. Not self help now. What's the opposite of self help?

[Bert Kreischer]

Backfiring.

[Tom Segura]

Totally.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. So it becomes that. That's when it becomes annoying for you when you're like, all right, leave me alone.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, because sometimes you Come in. Right. And he's just like, what's going on? You all right?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. I've taken that role and protect our parks, where they're like, let's advise Ari. I'm like, I don't want advice.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, they start that to you?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, I am this role.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, who's. Who's Bert and who's Tom? And protect your parks.

[Ari Shafir]

Protect our parks. It is. Okay? It's all shifted.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So Shane's Burt.

[Ari Shafir]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Bullshit. I'm not Mark.

[Ari Shafir]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you me?

[Ari Shafir]

I'm you.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're me.

[Ari Shafir]

I'm you. Shane's Joe.

[Bert Kreischer]

What?

[Ari Shafir]

Joe's Tom.

[Bert Kreischer]

Shut the fuck up.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, Tom. Norman's me and I'm you.

[Tom Segura]

Wow, that's a huge shift.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's actually.

[Ari Shafir]

It's Shane show.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, it's Shane runs it.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Ari Shafir]

Shane show.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Ari Shafir]

This is my impression of Joe Rogan. When Shane's in the room.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you impress it? Do your impression of Joe Rogan when I'm in the room.

[Ari Shafir]

I'll do it as Churchill. I'll do Joe Rogan.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Oh, no.

[Tom Segura]

So he fan. He fans out?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, he fans out hard.

[Bert Kreischer]

A little bit. For real?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, he loves him. But. But. But then Norman, I. When me, when on Sober October, I just get to tag. I just get to, like, throw in jokes. It's fun. Make fun of your fat feet, make, you know, whatever. And then, like, that's what Norman's job is.

[Tom Segura]

He just tag, tag, tag, tag, tag, tag.

[Bert Kreischer]

And who's me again?

[Ari Shafir]

I'm you in that. I slow it down and I. And then they're like, unwanted advice comes my way.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah, you get the. Oh, we can fix Ari.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. I'm like, what? Great, fine. Same as you. We're like, I'm not looking to quit drinking.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm having a really good time.

[Ari Shafir]

You're going to have withdrawals and, like, I'm not even going to quit. What are you talking about? You're like, I want to take a day off. And everyone's like, let's get you to the hospital.

[Bert Kreischer]

So do you think we'll ever do sober October again?

[Ari Shafir]

We should. I got a new special. That would be a good excuse to come do one.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, but can I be Joe?

[Ari Shafir]

You can be Joe. Let's make him not sit in that seat.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, you want to sit in the seat?

[Bert Kreischer]

I want to be Joe.

[Ari Shafir]

How do you get to be Joe, though?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, how do you. How are you gonna Joe.

[Ari Shafir]

What Joe does that you don't have the capacity to do is not make it all about himself.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hold on. Fuck off. No, hold on. There's a clip, though. Hold on. Fuck you.

[Ari Shafir]

There's gotta be a clip out there of you not interrupting.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I'm not interrupting. I'm having a fucking conversation.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's how. Conversations. And sometimes I'll say if you said. And then I go, God, that's crazy. I would never be able to do that. And then. Cause Joe's done that. He goes, don't make it about you. I go, but that's how life works. I think of things and I go, that's amazing. I could never run 25 miles.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, like, I can never run 50 miles, but. Okay, I'll be Joe. I won't make anything about myself. Okay, we'll put Joe in my seat.

[Ari Shafir]

No, we sweat. I don't think we sit in the same seats there, do we? I'm not sure.

[Tom Segura]

We always sit in the same seats.

[Bert Kreischer]

When we do it. I'm going to a different seat next time. I'm gonna put on a costume. I'm gonna go in a different seat, and I'm gonna put in earplugs so I don't interrupt anybody.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, that won't do it.

[Tom Segura]

Just go. It starts now.

[Ari Shafir]

Maybe a muzzle. You guys gotta have a ball gag here.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, we do.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it'll be cool. That'd be really fun for me. I would get friends.

[Tom Segura]

How would you run the show? How would it be different? What would you do? Yeah, you would just be like, welcome to the Bert Experience.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, welcome to the bird experience. The bird experience. I'm here with my three favorite people.

[Ari Shafir]

That's pretty good.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I start and I go, obviously, Joe Rogan. He's like a big brother to me. I can't wait to get some great life advice from him. I got Tom Segura here, one of my best friends in the world, and obviously a guy I can't live without. Ari Shafir, guys, welcome to the podcast. Would anyone like a joint?

[Ari Shafir]

Wow, you're crushing it.

[Tom Segura]

You're doing great.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then I'll go, I'm so sorry. I didn't. I wasn't listening. You say that one more time.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. And then, like, what's the first, like, conversation?

[Ari Shafir]

I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. Say that one more time. It's not.

[Bert Kreischer]

You should just. Okay, I'd just be like, I was listening. And I think that's a great point. I will be like. I'll be definitely. I'm gonna be Joe Centric.

[Ari Shafir]

Have you guys ever.

[Bert Kreischer]

I Want Joe to be the star of the show.

[Ari Shafir]

Great.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Because as my show, I want him to really shine first. Okay, watch this.

[Ari Shafir]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

I talk about bow hunting right away, and I wouldn't once tell him how good I am.

[Tom Segura]

Just us.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know. You guys will have to bring it up.

[Tom Segura]

All right.

[Ari Shafir]

Okay. Well.

[Tom Segura]

Hey, man, have you seen Bert shoot a bow and arrow?

[Bert Kreischer]

Tom. Keep it on, Joe.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, sorry, Sorry.

[Ari Shafir]

No, we got to be more. We got to be like. Got to be like, oh, this. Does this look like a bow to you guys? Just something I was thinking about.

[Tom Segura]

Does anyone at this table know anything about archery? Yeah, just like that. Kind of lob it up.

[Ari Shafir]

It's. Hey, it's Christmas. Did you guys hide bows on your presents?

[Tom Segura]

Speaking of bows.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, what?

[Tom Segura]

You're shot a bow and arrow?

[Ari Shafir]

That's crazy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it's crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

I have a target set up in my backyard. I got a compound bow from Cam Haynes, and I'm obsessed with it, and I really want to go bow hunting now. Except for carrying the meat out. Is the. What? The part that I. Just.

[Tom Segura]

Just leave it. Just leave it. Dude.

[Ari Shafir]

How much do you. How much of your life is lived to get Joe Rogan to say, I'm finally proud of you?

[Tom Segura]

It's a higher percentage than he wants to say.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm gonna get so real.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, boy. Tears are here.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no. I don't cry anymore. Oh. I definitely wouldn't cry when I did. There is a part of me that I'm. That. That I'm uncomfortable with how much that accurate that statement is. I look up to him so much, like, as a big brother, because I never had a big brother. And, like, his advice he gave me and stand up when I was at my lowest was so pivotal in getting me to where I am today that, like, when I catch good clips that he says, like, nice things about me, it makes me happier than it should make me.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, it's like when a black guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Says, good job, or, like, nice shoes.

[Ari Shafir]

Four to one.

[Bert Kreischer]

When a black guy's like, dude, I like your shoes.

[Ari Shafir]

You're like, no, true.

[Tom Segura]

There's a. I think there's a scale of black compliments. Yeah, it's like there's. There's a black eye complimenting your outfit.

[Ari Shafir]

Overall, that's fresh sun is like, oh. Oh.

[Tom Segura]

And if he specifies your kicks, that's a pretty.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like. And then if you liked your stand up.

[Tom Segura]

Well, I was saying, black guy tells you you're funny. It's just.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, that's like.

[Ari Shafir]

It's way higher I was with Mike Cannon. We were doing a casino gig, and we're just, like, bolting through the halls to get to the. To get. Get somebody to eat. But, like, oh, thanks, thanks. Trying to get, like, just. And then we're just not stopping at all. And then one block. I was like, hey, man, I was at your show. Like, hey, thanks, man. That's really cool of you. It's four to one minimum.

[Tom Segura]

So there. There's that one. Then there's. Oh, complimenting your athleticism. That's.

[Ari Shafir]

I've never done.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God. That is a. That's really high on the scale.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, if they just go, man. Oh, you got ups. Something like casual. You're, like, crazy.

[Tom Segura]

Like, pickup game and something like. Yeah, that's. And then I guess the. Then talking about your, like, saying, you have a nice dick. That one's really high.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then look at the piece on him.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tommy, take it out of her mouth. Show everyone. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And then the only thing better is if they suck it. That's the best.

[Ari Shafir]

So strong, so athletic.

[Bert Kreischer]

I had the best getting recognized I've ever had in my life. And I. I. Peter's in the other room. What I'm saying is 100% true.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So we're in Vegas. Isla brings her boyfriend to Vegas. He's never had in and out. So Sunday morning, everyone's leaving at, like, noon. I raced in and out at 10 in the morning to go get in and out for everyone in our party, right? My parents, everyone. As we pull up in the Uber, we tell the guy to wait for us. And there are Is a black man and a black woman. They're dressed, and it looks like they work together. They look like they worked in and out. We thought they were the greeters, but they're screaming at the top of their lungs, get the fuck out of here. What the fuck? I said I'm on your team. I fucking smack you. I mean, the most. I swear to God, I'm not understanding this. If Peter walked in right now, he would nod and say they were doing that in and out, outside the In N Out at the front door. So that's McDonald's shit to have to get into. In n out. You have to walk legit through this argument. And as we walk through the argument, he said, woman, I. God damn it, Bert Kreischer. Holy shit, you funny as fuck. Jack me up. And he goes. I was like, yeah, thanks. And he's like, I walked in, he goes. I said, it was the funniest interaction I've Ever had in my life.

[Tom Segura]

Good. It's high up there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Recognition is.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. A Joe Rogan compliment is better than a regular compliment if it's about, like, stand up or bow, I'm sure bow hunting.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, stand up. Stand up. Or like, I. I. Stand up is a big one. Business stuff. Like, if he ever says, like, dude, you're like. Like, I remember him complimenting Tommy to me one time, and he was like, dude, can you believe what Tom's doing? And I was.

[Ari Shafir]

Weight loss, you mean?

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, no. Because he knew you couldn't believe that.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I couldn't, but. But I was like. I was like, oh, I should tell Tommy this. This is a really sweet compliment that he gave to Tommy through me. He was like, dude, he's just killing it. At the same time, he was like. We were at the back at the store and he was like, you need to get a Netflix special. And I was like, I don't know how to do that. He's like, be undeniable. And I was like, what does that mean? He's like, just be undeniable.

[Ari Shafir]

I just was like, that's Schultz's new podcast. I don't know, it just sounds like something.

[Bert Kreischer]

I wrote it in my joke book. And I was like, just be undeniable. And then you start when you see when you're undeniable on stage and you just crush all the time and people don't want to follow you, then you're like, oh, that's what that is. But, yeah, the one compliment that took a long time to get from Joe was the marathon.

[Ari Shafir]

Congrats for doing it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Thank you. All right.

[Ari Shafir]

No, that. Yeah, because I told you, I was rubbing it in. I was trolling him. We were in a car with. Who's the guy? Shitty feet. Yeah. Cam Haynes. And I was like, so I think Joe's in the middle, Cameron's in the front. And I was like, oh, let me. Because I know he wasn't saying. I was like, hey, Cam, what do you think about Bert's marathon? And he goes, dude, that's crazy. That's like a legit hard thing to do. That's so good.

[Bert Kreischer]

I texted Joe the other day because I was. I'm in Austin and I'm having to work out bench for this bed I have. And so I texted him and I was like, hey, can you hook me up at Onyx the John? What's the bet? That convention, 315 by January 1st.

[Ari Shafir]

What do you got?

[Bert Kreischer]

I did 295 twice today.

[Ari Shafir]

Damn.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Clean like, clean nothing. Just by myself. And so did two.

[Ari Shafir]

Is it hard for you to bench without a buffet on it? Sorry.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so I had text. I texted Joe, and I was like. I was like, sorry. I was like, hey, can I get. Can I. Can you help me get in it? On it. Maybe reach out to Aubrey? I need to. I need a bench. And then, like an idiot, I go, I'm in a bench Press bet for 315. And as I hit send, I was like, I didn't need to include that second part. Yeah. Because I know Joe in his head's like, the. You doing. Yeah, the you doing a bench press bet. 3. You're gonna hurt yourself. I could hear him.

[Ari Shafir]

You're gonna hurt yourself. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

What'd he say?

[Bert Kreischer]

He went, sure. He had. So Aubrey hit me up and. And then I worked out it. On it today. It's. It was. It's. I mean, on. It is beautiful. I mean, there are so many beautiful people there. Everyone. And no. Like, you'd think there'd be all influency and videotaping themselves. They're not. It's like, just fucking people really working out.

[Tom Segura]

They're super fit.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes. Yeah, dude. A guy, Tommy. A guy was doing deadlifts, but he was doing them with the bar in his arm like this. And he'd reach all the way down. I mean, he'd bend all the way down. So the bars here in his bicep, and it would touch the ground. He'd bend over all the way. I've never seen anyone do something like this. I was like, what the fuck?

[Ari Shafir]

I love a rocky workout. You know, rocky.

[Tom Segura]

Not a squat, not a front.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, it was a bent. It was a dead.

[Tom Segura]

It called a Zerger squat.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was a deadlift where his body bent like this, Tom. All the way down. And it. The bar. The weights touched the ground, and he took it all the way up in his. In his. No, it was a bed. It was a dead. Right, same grip. Deadlift. Deadlift. It was crazy.

[Ari Shafir]

What's a deadlift? Like. Like the. This.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, when you bend over and pick it up, Stand up, and then bend over and pick it up. Yeah. I've never seen someone.

[Tom Segura]

No, there it is.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no, but that is.

[Tom Segura]

Look, he's doing it.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, but he.

[Ari Shafir]

To the top. Top right.

[Bert Kreischer]

He was going like this. He was going like this.

[Tom Segura]

But isn't that. That image right there?

[Ari Shafir]

All back, all back, all the way.

[Bert Kreischer]

Down, and he could touch the ground and come all the way up, all back.

[Ari Shafir]

That's the.

[Bert Kreischer]

What Was that a bad angle all back? It was crazy.

[Ari Shafir]

That seems nuts to do that.

[Tom Segura]

That's very crazy. Yeah. So did you see that guy's.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah. Okay. Are you pro murdering CEOs?

[Ari Shafir]

I mean, I like mayhem, so. Yeah. Not specifically.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, you're one of the first people that I thought of.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I was like, ari's into this.

[Ari Shafir]

I was pissed about it because it shows this video and it shows, you know, graphic content and then the guy passes, he pulls the gun and then the video stops.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's not.

[Ari Shafir]

Where's the graphic?

[Tom Segura]

You can. You can watch it.

[Ari Shafir]

Can't use the word graphic content willy nilly like that.

[Tom Segura]

I know.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't think I've ever thought if I was to assassinate someone, I think I'd want them to see me.

[Ari Shafir]

Well, if you don't want to get caught, that guy didn't want to get caught. Also, he didn't know the camera was there, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Tom Segura]

Well, he was all covered up.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, it was covered up, but.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, but if you cold. It was. Don't you want to do it right in their face? I don't want to do it behind.

[Tom Segura]

Well, the guy did turn around and definitely saw him, but he saw a masked guy because after he fell, when you see the footage. Yeah. He turns and who is this?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it bums me out that. It bums me out that the Internet loves that this guy got murdered.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. They don't know anything about him.

[Bert Kreischer]

They just go, yeah, good. And you're like, he's got kids. And I don't know if he has kids.

[Tom Segura]

He does. He has kids.

[Bert Kreischer]

He has kids.

[Tom Segura]

He also came from a real working class background and, you know, became a CEO.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, but the Internet loves this.

[Ari Shafir]

Why did he kill him?

[Tom Segura]

Because he basically thinks that, well, using the guy as a symbol for health care in America and like, how callous and careless.

[Ari Shafir]

And I have that health care. It's been annoying going to three different doctors and go, no, no. You're on a specific plan that you don't cover this mic. But I called before, like, yeah, but now we see your car.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, but a lot of it too was about, like, how so many people are put in, like, your claims denied.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And they need life saving, sometimes care.

[Ari Shafir]

I was talking to Bobby Kelly about in Havana where he was like, well, say whatever you want, but American healthcare is the best in the world. And I was like, what are you talking about?

[Tom Segura]

We're capable. Like, so people who have free health care, a lot of times, if they're of means you Know they. A lot of times they don't talk about in, like, in Canada, parts of Europe, where they go, it's on the house here. Like, there's still year plus long waits for certain procedures, so people of means there will fly over. But these people are writing check. They're people who can afford to go. Like, I want to go to the Mayo Clinic, you know, here you go. So they're not going through insurance in that position. Oh, you know what I mean?

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. Can I ask a. Can I ask a crazy question? You can not answer it if you want. So when. But I don't know how private you want to be about this, but when Push got cancer, do you have to do like the. Do you. Do you. Do you just go, like, how does that work? Do you have to like, like wait and stuff?

[Ari Shafir]

I'll answer this one. So what she did, or can you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Pay extra money and go, we need this taken care of today by the best guy. Can you do that?

[Tom Segura]

Well, I don't know. I mean, we. We have insurance and it was just a matter of like, being diagnosed. And, you know, we want to see this doctor. Our plan allowed us to see this doctor. And then the appointment was like, within days. It was.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is a very ignorant question. If you have more money, I guess you have better health care. Do we all have the same health care?

[Ari Shafir]

You can get private stuff done.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I mean, we have it through a large insurance company, but I think we do too.

[Ari Shafir]

Like mental health, anything they offer you is. Is pretty shitty. And the really good ones are like, I don't take insurance. You're gonna have to pay for that or get you.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I mean, it could have. I mean, the benefit we have, obviously is like, if somebody had been like, we're not gonna do this, I could have come out of pocket for it. But a lot of people aren't in that position, you know, So I just.

[Bert Kreischer]

Had the same kidney infection for three times now for the past three weeks. And it's been a pain in the ass. But. And it's just. But it's doctors going like, dang, whatever. Like, they're not. They're just not. They're not taking it serious. And then the doctor we saw today was like, this is. She needs to be on intravenous whatever.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Antibiotics.

[Ari Shafir]

It was. The biggest mind to me is to realize not every doctor is good.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Because you grew up trusting all of them, all doctors, too. Like, they're doing it and they're just better and worse doctors.

[Tom Segura]

We put them In a special platform. We're just like, all doctors are inherently wonderful people that are here to take care of.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey, if you're in med school right now and you're listening to this podcast, you need to drop out. You should not be listening to our podcast. If you're in med school, you need to drop the out and travel through South America. Get the out of med school. If you're listening. What other occupations should not be listening to this podcast that we can maybe help? Priest. If you're a priest.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Yeah. You're a breeze of any kind.

[Tom Segura]

Don't be.

[Bert Kreischer]

Come out of the closet, dude.

[Ari Shafir]

Don't be.

[Bert Kreischer]

Not worth it.

[Tom Segura]

It's not good for priests. What's an inherently good or seemingly inherently good track to take in your professional lives besides medicine?

[Ari Shafir]

Medicine's like the ultimate lawyer medicine. That's what our people.

[Tom Segura]

But we always. We accept that a lawyer can be a piece of. We almost expect them to.

[Ari Shafir]

Doctors are never crooked. Lawyers are always crooked.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Dennis, too.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dennis and car. People that fix cars, I always think are crooked.

[Ari Shafir]

I found this out with Dennis. You could be like, hey, it's your church. Barely ever covers it. Half tops. And, like, it's as much. You could offer them less you, like, I don't have that. Can I give you, like, 300 and then. Really? Yeah. All right. It's just going to them. If they're like, I'm not full tomorrow anyway. Sure. It's a free 300. If you're like, I actually can't afford a thousand.

[Tom Segura]

I learned that with, like, veterinary care. If there. If you have, like, a sick animal, like, whatever. It was like, 12 years ago, that dog.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

They were like, it's like a. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We were like, this dog we had for, like, a week, and he had this horrible, like, life threat, and they put him in the thing. They're like, it's a thousand dollars a day. And so we did it for a couple days. I was like, hey, I can't just keep doing a thousand dollars a day. And they're like, what can you do? I was like, I don't know. A couple hundred. And they're like, okay. You know, like, it just shifted to that.

[Ari Shafir]

Was that always?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. They were just like, yeah, fine.

[Ari Shafir]

Can I get that other thousand back?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that one you gave us?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, okay.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Then.

[Tom Segura]

Then they kept them there on 200 a day.

[Ari Shafir]

Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude. We had a fucking hack. A hack. Do leg surgeries on Priscilla. Priscilla had five knee surgeries, and on, like, one of them, they went in and they're like, oh, he left all this in there. Like, all the wires. No wonder she couldn't walk. Like. And we were like, what the. And you just think because they sound confident, they know what the fuck they're doing.

[Tom Segura]

If you tell, like, Eastern European people that you have surgery for your dog, they just laugh, you know, That's a party. One time was talking about. He was like. This guy was like, wait, you did what for your dog? And we're like, yeah, the surgery. Like, surgery? Like, no, no, you just put the dog outside. You shoot it in the head, dude.

[Ari Shafir]

I went to. I was in Columbia Spanish school, and we were, like, talking about perils and whatever.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

And somebody's like, where? So where are your dogs? This Venezuelan refugee who's teaching us Spanish in Colombia. And. And everyone's like, mine's with my sister. I was like, okay, hermana, you know, or whatever. Like, you know. And then. And then one of the guys, like, mine's like, at a. Like, a doggy resort. Doggy hotel. And then the lady's like, no, I think you're using the wrong word. And we're all like. She's like, what do you mean by that? It's, like, kind of a resort for dogs. Like, a lot of acreage. And she's just like, my father was killed.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, you have a resort for your dog, they can't even conceive of it.

[Ari Shafir]

All right, I guess I'm teaching this class. Tip Better be good.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God.

[Bert Kreischer]

You ever gas up an Uber driver?

[Ari Shafir]

What do you mean?

[Bert Kreischer]

Just be like, yeah, man. Women drivers. And he's like, oh, buddy, you have no idea. And then your wife's in. My wife's in the car, and I'm just getting this guy worked up.

[Tom Segura]

I had a guy get so worked up, an Uber driver, about JFK assassination, and I didn't even ask for it. I didn't even ask.

[Ari Shafir]

That's great.

[Tom Segura]

I was just like. I think I was in Nebraska. And he's like, where you from? And I was like, austin. He's like, I was just in Dallas. Let me tell you something, man. Zero fucking doubt. There's zero fucking doubt. CIA. And I was like, you know what? I actually don't need to go that far. If you could just pull over here. He gave me, like, all that. I was like, yeah. He goes, here's this guy's number. If you want to go get on the tour. Gives me the guy's number. I was like, cool. You know, he's like. He laid out everybody involved And I was like, you just did this, huh? He's like, yeah. He was like 70.

[Ari Shafir]

Wow. It's tough to argue with him. It's like they're set.

[Tom Segura]

Cool, man.

[Ari Shafir]

I had one of those way back from Dixie Chicks. We got one of those like cabs. It was just like somebody has like four cars, you know?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

And so it's just a minivan. He was cool. He was like, you guys had fun tonight? He's like, if you want to stop at 7:11, we got beers, you can drink them. We're like, oh, this guy rules. Yeah, the back drive, it's an hour drive, 20 minutes in. He goes, so where do you guys get your news from? And he just started talking. What do you think about this guy? What do you think about this guy? They're all liberals in the back with me, so they're like, no, I'm a fan of whatever. He goes, oh boy, I bet you. And then he goes. He goes. I'm like, where do you get your news from? He goes, google alternativenews.com. and I'm like, wait, Google what? Alternative news. He goes, no, google alternativenews.com. that's the site. I guess it's called Google Alternative News.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then he goes, alternative news dot com.

[Ari Shafir]

You know, Michelle Obama's a man. And I was like, I've heard that. Whatever. I'm just agreeing with him. I only stopped when he got to Madonna's a man. Yeah. And I was like, off. Dude, that's a sex symbol. No way.

[Tom Segura]

There the. Oh, here it is.

[Ari Shafir]

Look how it's built.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like when you're learning HTML News, news, target science, medicine.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, let's see some science from alternativenews.com.

[Tom Segura]

Can you make that bigger? Measles being spread by vaccinated in all caps children Research confirms.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh boy.

[Tom Segura]

Total corruption. Government regulators relied on industry funded herbicide studies to declare glyce. What? Glyphosate safe, weaker in space. Long duration. Spacelight linked to smaller spinal muscles and astronauts. Acupuncture found as effective as nicotine replacement therapy for helping people quit smoking. Okay.

[Ari Shafir]

Natural five ways apple cider vinegar can help give you healthy hair. Birch. How about we're about apple cider vinegar, dude?

[Bert Kreischer]

It gives me stupid cops.

[Ari Shafir]

What is that one?

[Tom Segura]

French police officers play gun drawing game on each other. Female officers shot dead by her partner who apparently had the faster draw. Apparently.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, they were going like this? They were going like. They were going. Let's see who draws faster. The guy just shot. Oh, I forgot I wasn't supposed to Shoot.

[Ari Shafir]

Holy shit. What? They don't even get guns. They've never really held one. Oh, yeah. Sign up for.

[Tom Segura]

There's an old story. They're telling the story.

[Ari Shafir]

Five years later, they're searching. AlternatorNews.com is not what it used to be.

[Tom Segura]

It's really not that. By the way, that Michelle, man, thing, the le. The level of disrespect involved in that story. Can you imagine that? You're her.

[Ari Shafir]

Like, come on, man, I was just.

[Tom Segura]

Married to the guy you don't.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, I'm just first lady.

[Tom Segura]

And they're like, you got a dick. It's like, it's fucking. No, dude. It's so disrespectful.

[Ari Shafir]

And like, look, she's bigger than Ellen. You can see her just stretched out on Photoshop.

[Bert Kreischer]

See, my problem is I do that with all news. Like, I think of all news. I go, sure, whatever. Like the. They're saying Jay Z allegedly is with P. Diddy on like some sexual assault of a 13 year old. Allegedly. But like, I just go, I look at all that and I go, that can't be real. That can't be real.

[Ari Shafir]

Nothing can.

[Bert Kreischer]

Nothing can be real.

[Ari Shafir]

When. When LeBron took a day off that. Personal reasons, and they're like, it's a Diddy thing. Why has he gone to a non extraditable country and then he's back the next day?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

He goes, no, it's my foot.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

No, I didn't.

[Bert Kreischer]

So is Diddy going to jail?

[Ari Shafir]

He's in jail. He's got denied his second bail and that's when it set in. He's not coming out.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's not coming out.

[Tom Segura]

He's at Rikers.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, are you serious?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. I really haven't been following the Diddy stuff.

[Ari Shafir]

Where is his music been lately, though? I mean, bad boys for life. How about bad boys for a short amount of time?

[Bert Kreischer]

I know, man.

[Tom Segura]

I want to hear some of those beats again.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So wait, what happens to all his money?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, we get frozen assets. They freeze them right now. And they also. He offered about $50 million bail. And they were like, no.

[Bert Kreischer]

Why?

[Ari Shafir]

Because you're gone.

[Tom Segura]

He would disappear because he's too much of a flight risk. Yeah. And like, but you know, to offer up. He offered up, I think, his Bel Air house or Beverly Hills house. And my favorite is that he was like, and my mom's house. So he was like, her.

[Ari Shafir]

That's how they're like, well, he wouldn't do it. He wouldn't skip out on his mom.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. So Jesus. They were like, no. Which just shows you that, like, someone's a flight risk. But also you probably have some pretty damning evidence to deny that person.

[Ari Shafir]

I think he. This is going to put Weinstein and Cosby as, like, a footnote.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hang on.

[Ari Shafir]

Do you. And it just goes to.

[Bert Kreischer]

What do you think? Because I remember when, when the. The Hollywood Me too was going on, I was like, yo, if. If this goes to hip hop, houses are gonna fall.

[Ari Shafir]

I mean, because there's.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because, I mean, the stories you've heard of trains being. Trains being run. And I, I mean, I've always thought.

[Ari Shafir]

Trains are all right.

[Bert Kreischer]

I always thought trains could never be consensual. I was like, trains?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

What chicks? Like, my dream is five dudes all me and laughing about me as a high five.

[Tom Segura]

I remember when the basketball team at my college did that.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

For real?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, we had one of those too. Some girl was. And they videotaped. She was jerking off two guys. One was fucking her and she was yelling, go, Terps. Go Terps. She transferred.

[Tom Segura]

It kind of ruins your name on campus a little bit.

[Bert Kreischer]

But, like, do you think the. This. Because you see Diddy and right now you go, if the. I mean, like, they say that allegedly Ashton Kutcher is involved. Allegedly Bieber's involved, a lot of celebs.

[Ari Shafir]

Allegedly. Everyone.

[Bert Kreischer]

Everyone's involved.

[Ari Shafir]

There's videos of Rosie ODonnell like, decade ago, like, interviewing people and just going, like, making like, offhanded jokes about it to life. Like, he's get. He's going like, just like. They all kind of knew the way we were with like, Harvey Weinstein. We're like, we sort of heard, but.

[Tom Segura]

I don't also, like, he had the, the wherewithal to back like 10 plus years ago being like, no, no phones. Like before that became like a thing.

[Bert Kreischer]

Who did he. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So people would go to these, like, yacht parties and Hampton parties and they. You'd have to turn your phone in, like.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I guess it's not perfect.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I. I always think, like, I always think the best in the best case scenarios because I. I was going, this has got to be something. Even with Cosby. Like, even with Jared from Subway, your buddy. I always think I was like, there's no way. There's no way.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, there's no way. You can't even wrap your head around it. Like, real, like, no way.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really evil people.

[Ari Shafir]

And you want to be like, he's just like, I don't know.

[Tom Segura]

I had pizza with him.

[Ari Shafir]

You did?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

I thought, that's the worst thing he's done. I thought he wasn't a pizza guy.

[Tom Segura]

I know, man. I remember.

[Bert Kreischer]

What a betrayal. He lied about that. What a betrayal.

[Tom Segura]

Subs I remember. Here's what I remember about Jared. When we got to the set on the first thing. It was June in Jersey. As we were shooting the first commercial, it was humid, super hot. And they had, like, a shitty trailer for me because even though I was starring in them with him, I was the new hire. So it was like. It was like. Like, you know, just weak AC. It's like 100 degrees. And he had a. He had a, like, tour bus, you know, like a. It's decked out. And he's like, hey, if you want good ac, just you can go in my bus. And I was like, oh, thanks, man. So he went there. I go in there. There's pictures of kids everywhere.

[Ari Shafir]

Shut up.

[Tom Segura]

So. But I. I hang out in his. In his thing.

[Bert Kreischer]

What are you casting?

[Tom Segura]

And then. And then we shot for the. We shot for the day, and then we go back to the city, and he was. We were at the W Hotel, one of the. There's like, four W hotels. I remember that in New York. We're at one of them. And he's like, hey, you want to. He goes, you want to split a pizza? And I was like, all right. And he's like, yeah, man. They keep telling me I'm gaining weight because his whole thing was like, can't gain weight. He's like, you know, Anyways, want to get pizza? I was like, sure. That'll help. So had a couple slices of pizza. And. Yeah. You know, he's like a. He's a terribly uncharismatic guy, if you remember. Like, he's actually bad as an actor on. On film. Like, there's nothing.

[Ari Shafir]

Like, they just kind of show him holding the old pants.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's.

[Ari Shafir]

That's all he ever did.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And when.

[Tom Segura]

I'm saying, when he had to deliver lines, he was always like, you know, like, just kind of the nerd.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right?

[Tom Segura]

Like, if he was an actor, he would never get a job.

[Ari Shafir]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

As an actor.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, let's play this game. Who's the most evil person you've ever met?

[Ari Shafir]

You're up there. I'm joking. Oh, yeah, it might be me. Yeah, that's me.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're right.

[Ari Shafir]

You're right, you're right. It's me. Who's the most evil person? Interesting. That's a good question.

[Tom Segura]

Well, he's got to be at the.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's Got to be number one. I've never met. I'm trying to think. I've never met, which I would never.

[Tom Segura]

Here's the thing. You never. I would never walk away from that meat engagement with him thinking, what an evil guy.

[Ari Shafir]

Right?

[Tom Segura]

It's that. It's a hidden thing.

[Bert Kreischer]

I grew up with a serial killer.

[Tom Segura]

That's pretty evil.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I can't say his name.

[Tom Segura]

Why?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know. Because he killed people, and his family still lives around the corner from my family.

[Tom Segura]

That's fine. He's in prison for it, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Just edit it out. He killed. He killed hookers on the causeway.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Tampa.

[Bert Kreischer]

He'd go, I think you're probably spelling it. I don't know how to spell it. We were kids. I don't know. But, yeah. What's so funny is how many did you get?

[Ari Shafir]

Hookers, huh?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, my sister called me. She was like, yo, got caught killing hookers on the causeway when we were kids one time. You know, like, everyone's like, yeah, what do you guys want to do? What do you want to do? Edit names out? Only because these people still live in that neighborhood. But, like, he's like, you guys want to go into house and cut the crotches out of our underwear? And I was like, what? He's like, my parents are watching our house. I got keys. Cut the crotches out of their underwear. And I was like, no. I was like, what? Why? And that's what he wanted.

[Ari Shafir]

He should have let him. Maybe wouldn't kill too many hookers.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it's pretty evil.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. How many did he get?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know.

[Ari Shafir]

Is. I mean, if you're gonna kill, that's who you want to get.

[Tom Segura]

That's. That is because they're not gonna put their resources really into it, and nobody.

[Ari Shafir]

Misses them right away.

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

I bet. I bet hookers have great, like, radar senses of when shit's going south, though.

[Ari Shafir]

You only up once.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, you could kill. I think killing a regular woman would be so much easier than killing a prostitute.

[Tom Segura]

All right? Because they know when something's.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. A hooker's gonna be like. Hooker's gonna be like, no, no, no. They got boundaries.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Regular woman will do. Like, you know that guy who got killed and saved by rhyme with the guys on top of the knife? He goes, no, no, no, it's my. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'd say that's so bad. Yeah. It would be so easy to kill a regular woman.

[Tom Segura]

Well, there's that guy that just killed.

[Ari Shafir]

Interesting. I mean, that now we shift. Black goes to the bottom of that.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I mean, I'm not even sure. Yeah, I'm not even trying.

[Ari Shafir]

Okay, let me. I'm like. We're just thinking about this. My first thought is Asian or Indian.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, not Indian.

[Ari Shafir]

Why not Indian?

[Bert Kreischer]

I was. I just. I don't. I don't. I don't know. I just. Now that didn't even register to me.

[Tom Segura]

You're not going to consider them?

[Bert Kreischer]

Nope.

[Ari Shafir]

Put them on the maybes.

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, but that actually sounds racist.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, why not?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no, I'm not killing them. That's actually a positive thing.

[Tom Segura]

But wait, why can't they get their consideration to be killed?

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, well, I just. I don't know. I'm actually really attracted to Indian women. Okay, well, so, like, I wouldn't want to kill them because I find them.

[Ari Shafir]

Attractive, but a gross one, like mid one.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like who?

[Ari Shafir]

Zarna Garg.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is that a real person?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, she's a comedian.

[Tom Segura]

When you kill. Would you kill somebody like that if you were going to kill a woman? Let's just say you're living out your. So you're going to.

[Ari Shafir]

There's Zaragar. You wouldn't kill someone look like that?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, boy.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I wouldn't kill Zarnagarg. I still think they're hot as. Okay, keep going. Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, here's your fantasy. It's to kill a woman. Do you want to see life leave her eyes or do you want her to be asleep and just like you hit her in the head with a hammer or something?

[Ari Shafir]

Do you want to be touching them while they like.

[Tom Segura]

You want to see it. You want to go.

[Ari Shafir]

You want to see the eyes start to.

[Bert Kreischer]

Obviously this is all hypothetical. I would probably edge it a little bit.

[Ari Shafir]

Let him back.

[Tom Segura]

That's. That's pretty evil.

[Ari Shafir]

And then you're one step from a dungeon.

[Bert Kreischer]

If I'm gonna kill one person, I want to kill them a couple times.

[Tom Segura]

That's what that guy did.

[Ari Shafir]

Cleveland?

[Tom Segura]

No, Rodney Alcala. He would. He would do, like, choke them out and then right before they died, he would let go and have them, like, come back and then do it, you know?

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you know which one? Do you ever hear the one?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it's pretty.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you ever hear the one who's.

[Ari Shafir]

Way to get all the meat out of the buffal?

[Tom Segura]

I know, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you ever hear the one who's the one with the scuba suit and they thought the girl was lying. She took her to the fucking cabin. Hers on Netflix.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah, the American Nightmare.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, you Know what he did a couple times is he got in, he almost killed them, and then he stopped and said, I don't want to do this. I'm really sorry. You need to get a dog and then leave.

[Ari Shafir]

You need to get a dog to bark if someone comes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is that not insane? That.

[Tom Segura]

That comm. That comedian that. That cop. That was women in. I think it was either Baton Rouge or Lafayette, maybe. Lafayette.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

He would tell women. He's like, you. Like, he. When he was done. When he was done, he'd be like, you know, this window's not secure, and you should really, like, have locks, and you really should get, like, a better security system for your house, like, as advice on the way. And they were like, cool. Thanks.

[Ari Shafir]

Wow. Yeah. One of the guys worked for adt. One of the btk. Yeah, the BTK Killer.

[Bert Kreischer]

He worked for adt.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. He would set up your alarm system.

[Ari Shafir]

System, and he would scope out, too. He's like, oh, I'll be back here next week.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is a good one. I want. It's got to be so freeing to be a murderer.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

She's like, you don't get angry in traffic. Like, if someone cuts you off, you're like, just gonna kill them. I'm gonna follow them home and murder them.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And be like, I'll get you later. And then if you forget, you go hack. I got off, you know? Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

But knowing you could is kind of, like, doing it, right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. It's like.

[Tom Segura]

Or like some confrontational. Someone's like, you, man. And you're just like, well, you don't know how this could go.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, we went. We were in Vegas, and we sat down in, like, in, like, a couch, and the. With the girls in, like, in, like, near the bar, but in. On a couch. And I ordered a drink, and the lady said, Are they 21? And I said, no. She goes, you got to move to that couch. It was five feet over. What? She goes, you got. I can't let you sit here. And I was like, but what's the difference? Can they just sit in that couch? And they're like, no, you have to go with them. You're a parent. And I was like, so you know how to get up and walk five feet for some arbitrary rule in some magic line that I can't see? You can't see. No cop's gonna see. She's like, sir, wait.

[Ari Shafir]

And you wanted to kill her? Did I tell you I wanted to kill this lady?

[Bert Kreischer]

Hold on. I got a better one. I got a better one. I got a better one.

[Ari Shafir]

I don't want that one.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hold on, I got this better one.

[Ari Shafir]

We gotta come back to that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tommy, did I tell you about. Did I tell you about the lady that wouldn't serve me at the airport?

[Tom Segura]

No. This is when you're thinking of serial killers, right now, this is one.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, this is.

[Ari Shafir]

You could just take care of it.

[Bert Kreischer]

When you're a serial killer, you don't get upset because you just go, I'll be back.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, right. What's your shift end?

[Bert Kreischer]

I get off. Yeah, I get off. Oh, so angry. And this goes back to Brianna, chicken fried.

[Ari Shafir]

I don't say her name.

[Bert Kreischer]

Say her name. Say her name.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

I get off the. I get off the plane in Nashville. I get a celebratory beer because I made it, I'm alive.

[Tom Segura]

You do a beer when you land.

[Bert Kreischer]

Let's not nitpick this story. Yes. Wait, when I land, I get a beer off the plane at the terminal. Yes. And I'll walk you through why this is the greatest thing you'll ever think. This is a life hack.

[Ari Shafir]

I have not. I usually get going.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, well, you like to sit and wait for your bag, because I don't. I like to have a beer and let my bag come down and walk down when the sky caps like this up, I go, hey, man, that's mine. He goes, oh, where were you? I go, taking my time, I live my life. I drive. I drive my ship through the sea and I pick what wave I want to crash through.

[Ari Shafir]

Now that's Winston Churchill.

[Bert Kreischer]

Fuck yeah, that's it. I picked the waves full speed, damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead. So I get off the plane, I go to get a celebratory beer, and Pete's with me. And I said, yeah, can we get. Do you have Stella? She goes, no. And I went, okay, well, Pete's with me and Pete's. I'm grab. Go to the bathroom. Can you grab my beer?

[Ari Shafir]

No offer of what else they have.

[Bert Kreischer]

I said, she goes, no. And I said, I already hate her. And so I said, well, do you have any like. Any like Stella F. Cuz she goes, yeah. I said, great, I'll get two of those. She goes, I can only serve you one. And I said, well, no, my buddy just went to the bathroom. I go, I just. Never mind, I'll just take one. And then she goes, okay. And then I go, you know, he's gonna be back in a second, so you might want to just start pouring two. He's the guy you just saw. And she Goes, I can only serve you one. And I went, okay. And so she goes, I need to see your id. And I was like, I'm looking around now. What happens here? Little outside part of the story. Everyone at the bar recognizes me. Every single person at that bar is a dude who drinks, who's probably heard me say, never quit drinking. And they're all recognizing me, and they're coming over and getting pictures. Now, part of me likes this interaction because she knows whatever instance, whatever's happening is going to be okay. I'm a normal person. I give her my id, she hands back my id, and then she gives me a little sip of beer. Pete arrives at this moment, a little sip of beer. And I go, what's this? And she goes, this is what we have. That's like, stella, I said, oh, no, it's fine. I'll just take two of those. And she goes, you know what? I'm not comfortable serving you. What? And I went, excuse me. And now everyone stops. She goes, I'm not comfortable serving you. You make me uncomfortable. Now, you can go to the Brianna Chicken Fry, where you go out and you tell everyone in the world, or you can do the take the money and shut the fuck up. So what I did. And I was not proud of this. I'm not proud of this. And I wish I didn't do it. I wish I could go back and change life. As I said, I apologize if I made you uncomfortable. Anyway, I have two daughters that are roughly your age. I would never want a man to make them feel uncomfortable. I'll go on my way. And I tipped her 20 bucks. And she went, Excuse me. I said, Here's $20 for your trouble. I apologize. And I walked away. I was up at night screaming at the fucking pillow, going, you fucking. You fucking. And because that's what I wanted to do.

[Tom Segura]

Sure, but you took the higher road.

[Bert Kreischer]

I took the high road. But the high road sucks dick.

[Ari Shafir]

It sucks. Now here's her night. She's talking to some guy. How she attractive or not so much? Yeah, okay. She's talking to some guy or a friend. She's. How was work today? It was like. It was fine, but I've never played it as well. I just said, off. I'm not giving you a beer. And he just gave me 20 bucks.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you know what she said? This is. This was even better. This is even better. Do you know everyone at the bar watched this happen? Everyone at the bar was like, what the fuck? I walked away. This is what upset me the most, is that she was. Someone goes, do you know who you just did that to? And they go, who? She goes, that's Bert Kreischer. Then she Googles me. And then she's got her own narrative because she's a.

[Ari Shafir]

He was a total asshole.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was a total asshole. I was. All the good stuff I did. None of that counts because she gets to tell her story. I was so angry.

[Tom Segura]

She. Do you think, though, that. What. When. The part where she goes, you make me uncomfortable is. It's probably when you were like, he's just went to the bathroom. He's gonna be right here.

[Bert Kreischer]

I didn't even say it like that, Tommy. I swear to God. My energy was like, what? Like more confused. Like, he.

[Tom Segura]

So was it that you got.

[Bert Kreischer]

You did something?

[Tom Segura]

She just.

[Bert Kreischer]

What was happening was dudes were recognizing me and they were get. And she was like, I think the energy changed in the bar when I showed up, and she couldn't place it. Didn't know who I was. But I. And I had two instances where that happened. I've had this where I took the high road and I said. I mean. And I just didn't say what I wanted to say.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, it'd be so nice to Patrice it and just be like, you.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Give me. Your managers suck.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I didn't do anyone else working that bar.

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I know what gate it is, and I know that bar in Nashville, and I can't wait to go back.

[Ari Shafir]

They're not. The thing is, they know all these people are temporary customers. You're not gonna be back.

[Bert Kreischer]

There's. There's. It's. It. And there's.

[Tom Segura]

He's actually going back soon. Yeah, he really is.

[Bert Kreischer]

New Year's Eve. I'll be there. I'm gonna stop. And I'm taking the same flight from la, and that same bar is going to be right there when I get right back.

[Ari Shafir]

I hope she says I'm still not comfortable.

[Bert Kreischer]

And you know what? I'm tipper. A hundred dollars. I'm gonna tip her a hundred dollars and I'm gonna start crying, and I'm gonna make her uncomfortable, and I'm gonna say that. I'm gonna say, you're the one that hit my mom.

[Ari Shafir]

That's a good one.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're a drunk driver. You're the drunk driver that killed my mother.

[Ari Shafir]

Really embarrass her at work.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, that's not bad.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God.

[Ari Shafir]

Get into.

[Bert Kreischer]

You were grooming my nephew. You hit my mother and killed her. Oh, my God. I'm going to fucking ruin her life.

[Ari Shafir]

You're the one.

[Bert Kreischer]

I just. It just.

[Ari Shafir]

Like, you recognize a Nazi from 80 years ago. Like, the whole village.

[Bert Kreischer]

We went to.

[Ari Shafir]

We went to do it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I can't get into this. I went to a. Went to a. I think I text you. I went to a liberal party one time. Like, a real liberal. Everyone's wearing masks outside and everything.

[Ari Shafir]

Nice.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I got in trouble for putting my hand in the ice.

[Ari Shafir]

Who.

[Tom Segura]

Who yelled at you? Dude with a mask was like, don't touch it.

[Bert Kreischer]

What are you doing? And I was like, I'm getting ice. And he's like, with your hand? They make tongs for that?

[Ari Shafir]

And I was like, nothing to do with the mask. Just a separate. Don't do that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, he just. And I was like. I was like, I'm not. I'm not going to go into someone's house, look for fucking tongs to get ice that we just slammed on the fucking ground to break it up. You're out of your fucking mind.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And he scolded you.

[Ari Shafir]

That's crazy. That's just. You talk privately about a guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

To confront them is nuts.

[Bert Kreischer]

What are you doing? And I was like, I'm getting. I was like. I was, like, really confused. That serial killer doesn't have to worry about that. I'll follow you because I really fucked up. You know what? I'll make sure to bring tongs tonight. And then you wake them up just going, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. Hey, do you remember me? I can't find your ice. You can't get it because you're tied up, but I want your ice. Joe. I'm sorry I ruined Sober October.

[Ari Shafir]

You didn't really ruin it. We just stopped. Everybody got busy, and then we didn't do it.

[Tom Segura]

This episode hit a lot of notes.

[Ari Shafir]

It did. A lot of notes.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love you guys.

[Tom Segura]

America's Sweetheart premieres January 14th on Netflix.

[Ari Shafir]

One week. Everybody set your calendars or whatever.

[Tom Segura]

That's right. Get you set it up right now and you can see Ari Shafir. Do you think I could protect your.

[Bert Kreischer]

Parks if I wore sunglasses?

[Ari Shafir]

No, but we could. This was fun. This reminded me of those. Those. It's just fun.

[Tom Segura]

It's fun. You've been drinking.

[Ari Shafir]

It's just fun.

[Tom Segura]

It was a good time.

[Ari Shafir]

No smoking, no drinking.

[Tom Segura]

Thanks for coming, dude.

[Ari Shafir]

Guys, thanks for having me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey, congratulations.

[Tom Segura]

Congrats on the special.

[Ari Shafir]

Thank you, guys.

[Tom Segura]

That's awesome. We'll see you guys next week.

[Bert Kreischer]

Burt and Tom. Tom and Bert. One goes top while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and burts the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call two bears, one cave.