Introducing Bert to Fancy Chef | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Summary

Podcast Summary: Introducing Bert to Fancy Chef | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Podcast Information:

• Title: 2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
• Host/Author: YMH Studios
• Episode: Introducing Bert to Fancy Chef
• Release Date: October 7, 2024

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1. New Beginnings in Florida

Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer kick off the episode by sharing their excitement about relocating to Florida, their new home base. The move marks a significant transition for both comedians as they adapt to their fresh environment.

• Tom: "We have moved together to Florida." [00:43]
• Bert: "We're back in Florida and I'm so happy." [00:47]
• Tom: "I feel like you are definitely one [Florida man]." [00:53]

The conversation humorously delves into the stereotypical "Florida man" persona, with Tom expressing his heightened senses for spotting the quirky behaviors associated with it.

• Tom: "I can smell Florida man. You know what I mean? Like, I sense them. My spidey senses go off." [01:00]

2. Alcohol Consumption and Sobriety Debate

A significant portion of the episode revolves around the topic of alcohol consumption, addiction, and the societal perceptions of sobriety. Bert passionately argues against the idea of quitting alcohol entirely, presenting a nuanced perspective on personal responsibility versus substance blame.

• Bert: "If you're thinking about quitting alcohol, don't. Okay. If you're listening to this and you're thinking, today's the day I'm going to quit, I'm done forever. It's fucking my life up. Don't. You're setting yourself up for failure." [01:14]

Tom challenges Bert's viewpoint, questioning the coherence of his stance when life issues seem intertwined with alcohol use.

• Tom: "Did you connect all the things you said though? Because you just said if somebody is like, it's ruining my life." [01:32]
• Bert: "No, it's not. It's not. It's you. It's not the alcohol. It's you." [01:39]

Bert emphasizes personal accountability, suggesting that individuals can regain control over their lives with support, even if they continue drinking.

• Bert: "Look at me. I got my shit pretty together. I'm a fucking mess. Right? But I got a great woman by me. Stop by side. Right. Keeps me in track." [02:00]

3. Financial Anecdotes and Tour Bus Realities

The comedians share amusing and relatable stories about managing finances during tours, highlighting the challenges of budgeting and the realities of spending money on the road.

• Bert: "My dad came out in, like, I think that was 2017. And I was like, oh, these are my tax returns for this year. And he goes, do you realize that you earned more this year than in my entire career combined?" [57:16]

Tom recounts his experiences with overspending during tours and personal trips, illustrating the pitfalls of financial mismanagement.

• Tom: "I tell Christina we're going to Hawaii, and we go to Hawaii. And then during the trip, I'm realizing that, like, lunch at this hotel is, like, 400." [63:02]

4. Insights into the Comedy Industry

Bert and Tom delve into the evolution of the comedy scene, discussing how the internet has transformed platforms for comedians and the motivations behind pursuing a career in comedy.

• Bert: "We chose comedy when it wasn't an occupation." [53:06]
• Tom: "We went into it being like, God, I hope enough the right people see me and I can get maybe some TV deal." [53:38]

They reflect on the authenticity of comedians from their generation, contrasting it with the contemporary landscape where many enter comedy for visibility rather than passion.

• Bert: "I'm not shitting on them. I don't really care. It's like, I just. Have fun with your life, ultimately." [56:29]

5. Experiences at Movie Premieres and Networking Challenges

The duo shares their entertaining yet awkward experiences attending movie premieres, navigating red carpets, and interacting with celebrities. These anecdotes highlight the superficiality and social dynamics prevalent in such high-profile events.

• Bert: "I went to this premiere for this movie, new George Clooney, Brad Pitt movie... and everyone was trying to get close." [40:47]
• Tom: "I sat out and talked to Nick Kroll the whole time. And I was like. I was like. Just talked about stand up." [40:57]

Bert narrates an amusing encounter with Andy Garcia, illustrating the unexpected and often impersonal nature of celebrity interactions.

• Bert: "Andy Garcia walks up and they're like, yo, can we put Andy Garcia in front of you?... He says, how do I know you?" [39:15]

6. Introducing Fancy Chef

The episode culminates with Tom introducing Bert to Fancy Chef, a unique culinary personality known for his unconventional cooking style. Their conversation about Fancy Chef encompasses admiration, skepticism, and anticipation for future collaborations.

• Tom: "I'm so obsessed with Fancy Chef, you know? Have I told you about him?" [46:33]
• Bert: "He posts his cooking stuff, but it's just... something's wrong, you know?" [47:01]

Tom describes Fancy Chef's peculiar approach to cooking, emphasizing his focus on presentation over actual culinary skills.

• Tom: "He'll be like, check out this shit I just made. It's just a store-bought cake with blueberries on it. And he's like, look at this. Beautiful and nice." [47:19]

Bert and Tom humorously discuss their attempts to engage with Fancy Chef, highlighting his high demands and the improbability of their scheduled collaboration.

• Bert: "I'm very excited. Be very disappointed if he doesn't show up." [51:27]
• Tom: "He’s charging 2 to 5 million for those six days of work. That's wild." [51:33]

7. Final Thoughts on Sobriety and Personal Growth

In the concluding segment, Bert and Tom provide their perspectives on sobriety, emphasizing personal growth and authentic relationships over societal pressures to quit drinking.

• Bert: "If you’re trying to get your shit together, stick to who you are. Get your drink under control." [67:25]
• Tom: "We're gonna wrap up on that. But if you're trying to get your shit together, listen to Bert. He has good ideas." [69:46]

They advocate for unconditional support and love regardless of one's state of sobriety, underscoring the importance of genuine connections.

• Bert: "There's one person in this world that will still love you, drunk or sober." [69:52]
• Tom: "That's the way the world should work." [70:15]

Conclusion

The episode "Introducing Bert to Fancy Chef" weaves through personal anecdotes, industry insights, and humorous exchanges, offering listeners an engaging glimpse into the lives of Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer. From relocating to Florida and navigating the complexities of sobriety to sharing unforgettable experiences at movie premieres and introducing the enigmatic Fancy Chef, the duo delivers a rich and entertaining narrative. Their candid discussions, peppered with memorable quotes and relatable stories, make this episode a compelling listen for both long-time fans and newcomers alike.

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Notable Quotes:

• Bert [01:14]: "If you're thinking about quitting alcohol, don't. Okay. If you're listening to this and you're thinking, today's the day I'm going to quit, I'm done forever. It's fucking my life up. Don't. You're setting yourself up for failure."

• Tom [01:32]: "Did you connect all the things you said though? Because you just said if somebody is like, it's ruining my life."

• Bert [02:00]: "Look at me. I got my shit pretty together. I'm a fucking mess. Right? But I got a great woman by me. Stop by side. Right. Keeps me in track."

• Bert [07:39]: "I'm taking half shits in the morning. I take like a half a. And then I hold it, and then I take a full after that."

• Tom [57:16]: "My dad came out in, like, I think that was 2017. And I was like, oh, these are my tax returns for this year. And he goes, do you realize that you earned more this year than in my entire career combined?"

• Bert [53:06]: "We chose comedy when it wasn't an occupation."

• Tom [63:02]: "I tell Christina we're going to Hawaii, and we go to Hawaii. And then during the trip, I'm realizing that, like, lunch at this hotel is, like, 400."

• Bert [69:52]: "There's one person in this world that will still love you, drunk or sober."

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This comprehensive summary encapsulates the essence of the episode, highlighting the key themes and memorable moments shared by Tom and Bert. Whether discussing personal challenges, industry dynamics, or humorous encounters, the episode offers a multifaceted look into the lives of these two comedians.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

100%.

[A]

We are coming to you from our new set.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

In our new home. We have moved together to Florida.

[B]

We're back in Florida and I'm so happy.

[A]

I know.

[B]

I love Florida. Do you feel like a Florida man?

[A]

No, but I feel like you are definitely one.

[B]

Okay. Yeah. So here. Okay. So this is what drives me fucking nuts.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

When you.

[A]

I can smell Florida man. You know what I mean? Like, I sense them. My spidey senses go off.

[B]

Tell us. I'm gonna go get us some beers. Yeah, tell Pete to go get us some beers. I would love a beer.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I'm in a Florida fucking mood.

[A]

Florida. Florida man drinks.

[B]

Florida man drinks in the. In the afternoons. I would argue if you're thinking about quitting alcohol, don't. Okay. If you're listening to this and you're thinking, today's the day I'm going to quit, I'm done forever. It's fucking my life up. Don't. You're setting yourself up for failure.

[A]

Wait a minute.

[B]

Don't fucking quit drinking.

[A]

Did you connect all the things you said though? Because you just said if somebody is like, it's ruining my life.

[B]

No, it's not. It's not. It's you. It's not the alcohol. It's you.

[A]

Wait a minute. So can they get their life together?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And still continue drinking?

[B]

Look at me. I got my shit pretty together. I'm a fucking mess. Right? But I got a great woman by me. Stop by side. Right. Keeps me in track.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And then how often does she, you.

[A]

Know, adjust the levers with, let's just say, drinking specifically? I don't know. I'm literally. I don't know.

[B]

I don't know if she adjusts the levers.

[A]

No.

[B]

But she definitely walks up to the cockpit every now and then. It's like, how fast are we going? This. It feels bumpy back there. Are you paying attention?

[A]

That happened quite a bit.

[B]

It happened yesterday on my flight.

[A]

Wait, I thought we weren't drinking on flights anymore.

[B]

Oh, we're back.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

See, that's the thing.

[A]

Wait, where did you fly from LA to Orlando. Okay. You took the LA to Orlando flight?

[B]

Yeah. And that's the thing, is if you say, I'm it, that's it, I'm done. I'm never going to drink again.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Then a glass of wine. Your. Your life's fucked.

[A]

Your life isn't fucked.

[B]

Your life's.

[A]

But there's people that are sober that are like, no, it's been great. It's been a great pivot.

[B]

They are holding on by a thread. All of them are holding on by a thread.

[A]

Sometimes they're thriving because they quit.

[B]

Some people. Some people. But then, yeah, all of a sudden, you make a fucking.

[A]

I would love to see you like this.

[B]

What?

[A]

Just totally sober.

[B]

I do it all the time.

[A]

No, I mean, like.

[B]

Like, sober for the rest of my life.

[A]

It would just be fun to watch. I think you would be like. I don't know. You'd be like a Superman version of yourself.

[B]

I'll tell you what's better than being. And I've been sober for big stretches.

[A]

I'll tell you what's a big stretch.

[B]

Like, four months.

[A]

Four months?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah. Three months. Three months is the longest I've ever gone. I mean, I did, like, 17 years when I was a child, but, yeah.

[A]

We'Re not going to count those, but.

[B]

Yeah, four months is the biggest stretch I did. I dated longer once when I first started dating Leanne, but I don't know.

[A]

Why did you do that time?

[B]

Because she dumped me. She dumped me. And then we got. And then I was like, all right, I'm done drinking. I'll never drink again. I want this woman in my life. And then we were flying to Italy, and I didn't know this. This was the last amount of money I had. I didn't know that I was spending all my money on this trip to Italy.

[A]

Didn't you also do that in your honeymoon?

[B]

Yeah, I did that in my honeymoon, too.

[A]

You really don't have a concept of money.

[B]

I do not. Still, to this day.

[A]

You really don't, like, know what's there and what you can.

[B]

I don't even know what bank we have.

[A]

You don't know what bank you're at?

[B]

I couldn't even tell you. I couldn't even. I couldn't even tell you.

[A]

Do you know what investment firm, like, who you have, like, investments with?

[B]

No, I think. Steve.

[A]

Steve.

[B]

No, I don't care. I got it, but I don't care. And, like, I've never cared. Like, that's the thing. It's like, don't think just because I'm have money now that I. I'm going to start caring. I didn't care when we were broke.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I didn't care when I never have cared.

[A]

I will say that having known you when you had no money.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You don't seem really that different to me.

[B]

I. I still get nervous buying things. Like, I still. I'm still a child. Like, if I. If I'm going to buy something, like my tour bus. I was like, why are we doing this? This is so much money. Let's not do this. We don't. We can't afford it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then Leanne's like, you have no idea how much money we have. We can afford it. And I was like, I know, but it feels, like, wasteful. Like, we'll just keep renting. And Leanne's the one that goes, no, the amount of them. Because when I would rent buses for a year.

[A]

For a year.

[B]

Yeah. For this whole year. And that is a lot of fucking money.

[A]

It is.

[B]

And so she was like, trust me, this is a wise investment. So I don't even know, like, I.

[A]

Would do it, except that I realized after the last tour that I hate the bus. I just hate it. So I was like, why would I do that? Like, you know, I mean, like, if I don't enjoy it, so.

[B]

Oh, wow. That's so wild. I think if you had my bus, you'd like it.

[A]

I don't think so.

[B]

I. Tom. I go to my bus.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

To hang out.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, I don't hang out in my house. Like, if. Like, Leanne went for dinner with her friends, and I. And I was at the office, and I just went to my tour bus.

[A]

I hate spending time on the. On any bus. Drive. I hate the drive. I hate it.

[B]

You're asleep during the drive. I love driving during the day. I love. I love taking two days off and just staying on the bus.

[A]

Holy shit.

[B]

I can't wait. I take. I'm taking more time off now.

[A]

I want to fly. I want to fly everywhere.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I have no interest in planes.

[A]

I always. I wish I could. I wish I could fly from the hotel to this place. Like, that's how much I like flying.

[B]

I wish I could have landed on so fucking.

[A]

I could have landed on the roof here.

[B]

I hate. I hated yesterday's flight. I hate every fucking.

[A]

So wait, were you really tying one on on the flight? Is that. That's what she's so. She was like, hey, what's going on?

[B]

Yeah, I was. I. Yeah, I got a double Jack on the rocks to start the flight, like, before takeoff. And then at lunch, I got a. With food. I got a double jack on the rocks. And then I started drinking beers. And the. And the flight attendant knew me, so she wasn't slowing me down. Yeah, she was like, come back with a fresh one. I was like, nice. And Leanne was like. And then we got off the plane. I was like, you want to get a beer? She was like, what? No, we just landed. I was like, a cocktail then. And she was like, no, we're going to dinner. I was like, I know, but we're going to dinner. We might as well. What are we doing? We have nothing to do. Let's party. She was like, get a coffee. So we got coffees. We got to the hotel, and I was like, espresso martini. She was like, oh, my God, what are your shits?

[A]

Like every day?

[B]

Dude, I'm. I gotta be honest with you. I'm taking half shits in the morning. I take like a half a. And then I hold it, and then I take a full after that.

[A]

You hold it like.

[B]

I don't know. It's. It's. I'm not all coming out at the same time. It's really kind of frustrating. Like, I'm taking half a. And then a full.

[A]

Do they come out as logs or are they just kind of like they.

[B]

Oh, yeah, The. The best feeling is when the log is going and you know, if you. If you just do it right, you won't break it. And you're like, okay, okay, keep going, keep going, keep going.

[A]

And all these mixtures of different beverages don't affect this at all.

[B]

No, no, I think. Here's the other thing is I'm healthy. I'm the healthiest. I've ever been. Like, I work out wise. I work out ever. Hold on. Yes. You know for a fact I've been a lot unhealthier.

[A]

Yeah. Okay.

[B]

Okay. So it's not like a big stretch. I'm just in better shape than I've ever been. Working out like fucking crazy. Feel great. And here's the thing. I know a dude who relapsed, right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And by the way, it wasn't a big relapse. Like, in my opinion.

[A]

What's. How do you opinion?

[B]

It was a couple glasses of wine.

[A]

That was the relapse. Yeah.

[B]

And all of a sudden, the fucking world explodes because he had a couple glasses of wine. As opposed to saying, yo, I'm not going to tell the world or I'm sober. I'm going to let my mistakes be little tiny mistakes inside my head. I'm going to be like a regular person. It's fucking crazy to me that this person. Because you know what it is? It's like, okay, the moment you doubt whether you can fly.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Never mind. It's a quote from Peter Pan. It's on the wall. Yeah. I couldn't read the rest of it. You see?

[A]

Forever to be able to do it.

[B]

That's. That's what I'm talking about, right?

[A]

Is like, if you quit drinking, then you're never going to drink again.

[B]

Yes. It's like, I know a dude whose wife go to strip clubs. So when he goes to a strip club with us, because he's regular dude, he fucking melts down. He melts down and then he has to go confess to his wife. And you're like, what the.

[A]

Jesus.

[B]

Right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's crazy.

[A]

They're bummers, dude.

[B]

Oh, my God. And you're like, don't even come to the strip club with us because we want to have a good time. We don't want to fucking sit with old frumpy pants over here who's like, yeah, guys, can we go? I gotta.

[A]

I really fucking up. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. But now that's what I'm. I just. I don't know. I was thinking about use your ATM.

[A]

Card, because mine will show up on the. Yeah, I was.

[B]

Guys, I went to a strip club in Vegas one time, and I was like, yeah, we're gonna. We're gonna ball out. I'm gonna get everyone some cash. Yeah, I got like a thousand dollars out. And it's in. It's in silly money. It's in their money. So you can't take any of it home. You have to give it all to the strippers.

[A]

It really withdraws their money.

[B]

It withdraws their money. Their money. It's fucking so frustrating that you were like, oh. And then we just wanted to leave. We were bored and we were like, all right. And then I just gave a stripper, like, I was like, here you go. Here's like, $700. She was like, for what? I go get us.

[A]

We got to leave.

[B]

Yeah, they let me in in sweatpants.

[A]

That's a advanced fucking strip club guy move.

[B]

I didn't. Why did. I was. We were on tour, and I was about to go to bed, and everyone's like, let's run.

[A]

No underwear. A little baby oil underneath.

[B]

No underwear. Swe. Sweatpants. I was about to go to sleep. And everyone's like, yo, let's go to the strip club. I was like, cool. Should we roll over? And I was like. I was like, hey. And they recognize me. And guys, one. One guy didn't. He goes, no sweatpants. And he goes, oh, it's Bert. He's cool. And I was like, yeah, I wouldn't. What do you mean no sweatpants? What is there like a wardrobe you have to certain attire?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then I sat down and I realized. What? You're not allowed to wear sweatpants. I was like, wow. They let me in his sweatpants.

[A]

Pretty.

[B]

It's crazy. Your dick gets hard in. Everyone sees it.

[A]

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[B]

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Think of a time recently when you didn't feel like you could be your full self, like you were hiding behind a mask. October is the season for wearing masks and costumes. But for some of us, we feel like we're wearing a mask and hiding more often than we want to at work and social settings around our family. Therapy can help you learn to accept all parts of yourself so you can take off the mask. Because masks should be for Halloween fun, not for our emotions. I am certain in this month and in the next month, we'll all have to put on a mask at one time or another. Here's the deal is if you sit and talk with your therapist, you can figure out why you're doing that. Because a lot of times it's involuntary. I know mine are always involuntary. Sometimes the mask is a mask that I can't frickin stand and a guy I don't like. But I go that's how I'm protecting myself because I feel like no one's listening to me when I just want to sit there and be myself. Therapy is great for dealing with all those inner emotions and if you're thinking about starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. Take off the mask with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com bears today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H E L p.com bears you no longer have to drink gallons of Kool Aid a day to feel something. If you're going through it or you just want to get on one, Via has got you covered. Unlock the power of nature with Via's organic and vegan hemp extracts, perfect for relaxation and rejuvenation. Via is the only lifestyle hemp brand. They use compounds found in hemp along with active plant extracts to create products each with a specific effect in mind. Whether you want to have better sleep, ease your anxiety, enhance your mood, or just get high, they have something for you. They also have zero THC products. If THC isn't for you, like Leanne, my wife. If you're you can still take advantage of their CBD line with products designed for sleep, focus and energy that will keep you glowing all year long. I'm telling you, Leanne is not a THC person, but she is a massive CBD person. And by the way, she is sleeping phenomenally, phenomenally right now. If you're 21 and over, check out the link to Via in our description and use code bears to receive 15% off after you purchase. They ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them we sent you. Unleash the green and live the dream. The American Dream with Via. Here's my thing about Florida people, okay? Yeah, so like I get frustrated when I hear I get frustrated when I hear guys say, you know me, I'm from fucking Brooklyn.

[A]

Yeah, yeah yeah. And you're like, I don't Play that shit.

[B]

I don't play that shit. I'm from Brooklyn. And, like, I've been to Brooklyn. They've. They've like, Artesian ice cream. It's not what you think it is. Like, everyone's in skinny pants and skinny boots and they're dating.

[A]

Not that part of Brooklyn.

[B]

Not that part of real Brooklyn. I grew up in Brooklyn. And you're like, you're. You're borrowing. You're borrowing toughness from a fucking movie or a thing that doesn't. Or like, okay, let's do this. What's the most annoying state for a man to say he's from?

[A]

Well, it's got to be a. Yeah, I know what you're doing. I mean, the. Definitely. The New York thing is exhausting.

[B]

What's more exhausting? New York or Boston? They say, I'm from Brooklyn, and then in Boston they go, I grew. I grew up in Boston. I'm from Southie. You're not from Southie. No one's from Southie. You know why? You know why that. You know why? Because they don't fucking leave Southie.

[A]

Right?

[B]

They fucking. People in Southie I'm scared of. They're tough dudes, but they stay in Southie. They don't come out to la.

[A]

Yeah, the Boston, New York thing, it's. I don't know. It's pretty neck and neck. I would say in my life, I've heard the New York thing more.

[B]

Texas. Texas is a. That's a big one, man. I'm from Texas. I'm from Texas.

[A]

And also. And we're not. Because that's the other thing. You're like, oh. Because Texas is essentially the South. And they go like, we're not the South.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You're like, what are you. Like, we're Texas. And you're like, okay, that's just kind of. That's kind of fucking exhausting. Like, yeah, all right, I got it. Like, you talk the same and you fucking walk the same. You say the same. My daddy fucking bullshit. But you're not that daddy. Yeah, yeah. It's like, daddy, if you call.

[B]

I love a grown men call their dad Daddy.

[A]

Daddy is a real Southern fucking thing.

[B]

I fucked up one time and called my dad daddy in a special I did. And I was talking about my dad, and I said, daddy, and the whole room went. It was so fucking gross. That's gross.

[A]

It's gross. I remember this fucking hillbilly that I went to college with, and he told me that when he was, like, seven, he said something and he goes, daddy, you know, and he's my, my daddy said like, you boy, you call me daddy again, I'm going to knock your head right out. And like, basically I'm going to beat you if you call me daddy again. I go, how'd that go? He's like, well, I never, I never said it again. Like, yeah, it's a different parenting choice, I guess. I mean I don't, I don't really hear it from my. I mean my kids are 6 and 8.

[B]

They're allowed to say daddy.

[A]

They are allowed to, but they instinctively usually just say dad. Say dad.

[B]

It's amazing how many black men call their mom mama.

[A]

It's amazing.

[B]

Yeah, like all black men call their mom mama. Yeah, that's like wild. No matter where they're from in the country, they call their mom mama. Like. And you think that's a southern thing. Yeah, but I like there was a video, it was a really cool video. I don't like, I love, I love, I love social content creators. Content creators for football teams. It's always some white guy with like a thing like, oh, we'll give these guys a VCR tape. They won't know what it is. And then like, what is this? And it's just some 20 year old black kid going, I have no idea.

[A]

I have no idea what you're saying, but go ahead.

[B]

I just saw it today. But the one they did was they said to the, they said to the team members, when was the last time you talked to your mom? And every black dude was like, I call my mom the first thing in the morning. I pray with my mama. Yeah, I talk to my mama every day. Mama, I love you. Like, it was wild.

[A]

They all called the mama Black community reveres mother way more. Yeah, yeah. I even heard this. By the way, can I trust Peter that he didn't spike this way.

[B]

He didn't spike it.

[A]

You sure?

[B]

I think Peter was a shack, by the way.

[A]

You think what?

[B]

Peter's about to quit.

[A]

Is he?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What's he going to do?

[B]

Move to Italy.

[A]

Why?

[B]

Because he's young, he has money. He's never spent a penny. He's worked for how long you worked for me, Peter? Three years.

[A]

That's never in spent in human years. That's like 15 years. That's fucking crazy. Are you really going to move to Italy? Which city?

[B]

He's obsessed with northern Italy. He's obsessed with nor the German influence.

[A]

Nice dude. He's west border like up there.

[B]

He's young. Why the not.

[A]

I think it's a great idea.

[B]

That's the thing. Not enough. Many people were taking chances. What were we talking about?

[A]

You're not going to do it at 45. No.

[B]

No, you're not. And you're not doing at 51. We've been trying to get out of the city. I can't leave. I got to work every day.

[A]

This is the age to do it.

[B]

This is the age to do it.

[A]

And you'll learn a language, and you'll, you know, bang some chick that you'll never see again. And who cares if she has your kid? You'll never see her, you know? Yeah, it's great.

[B]

What were we talking about? Mamas.

[A]

Mama. So this is how much I'm saying, though, like, black community Reveres Mother more is it was a story where Shaq was telling the story about him and Charles Barkley during a game, got in a fight and, like, threw bows at each other. And it was. And they were both ejected, and they were both, like, heated. And when Shaq got to the locker room, they were like, oh, it's for you. The phone for you. And it was Barclay's mom. And he was like, oh, you know, Mom's on the phone. So he was like. He just went right to, like, yes, ma'am, no, ma'am. And, like, she, like, squashed the beef by calling him, like, come on, now. We need to behave. And that's how it.

[B]

That's wild.

[A]

You know what I mean?

[B]

That's. It's like.

[A]

I think. I feel like if it was, like, two white guys, he'd be like, who? Fuck your mom, fuck your husband, fuck everybody.

[B]

And. Yeah. That's so crazy. Yeah. Like, if you talk about a black guy's mom, he'll fight you, dude. I remember hearing a story about this kid. This. This dude said, like, Latin mom shit's.

[A]

Like that, too, though.

[B]

For real?

[A]

100%? Yes. A thousand percent. It's all Virgin Mary stuff. It's all rooted in Catholicism there, though.

[B]

Really?

[A]

That. Absolutely.

[B]

I don't really. I mean, I love my mom, but, like, I know if you talk about my mom, I'd be like, okay.

[A]

Yeah. Most. I'm saying, like, white guy stuff is just like, yeah, fuck my mom. But, like. But if you go, like, hardcore Latin, they don't fucking play that either.

[B]

Yeah. I don't even know if I. Like, when I make a phone call to my parents, I think I always call my dad's phone.

[A]

I still do. And he never answers. But I always wanted to talk to my dad.

[B]

Yeah, I never like, it's so wild that. Like, that's so crazy that the communities are so vastly different.

[A]

Yeah, it is. It's totally different. Totally different.

[B]

And. But. But. But the. You never hear black guys. Oh, no. Black guys do it.

[A]

What.

[B]

Where they. When they say they're. What city they're from?

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Black guys.

[A]

That's.

[B]

I always thought it was like, a white guy.

[A]

It's part of a black guy's introduction to you is like repping fucking three.

[B]

Yeah. What am I talking about? They get tattooed on them.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. They tell you the street that they grew up on.

[B]

That's crazy. I was listening to this thing about Rosa Park. Not Rosa Parks. Harriet Tubman.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

You know Harriet Tubman is a bad. Right? You know, she. So she. I. This. I. This just broke my heart. So she runs away. She. First of all, she runs away from the south with her two brothers in the first time, and they get. They get nervous and they make her go back. So she ran away and then got far away. And her brothers are like, yo, let's get the back.

[A]

Did you listen to a podcast?

[B]

I did. I did.

[A]

Why? Yeah, because I just. This is how you recap podcast.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. They're like, it. This. This sucks. I'm not going to sleep in the mar. So let's go home. So they go home. Rosa Harry Tubman, married, by the way, married to a free man. Black but free. So, yeah. Kind of crazy that he'd be free. And she's a slave.

[A]

Yeah. I don't understand that.

[B]

I don't know how it works. But anyway, so then she's like this. I'm out. So she bails, right? She leaves. She then goes back and brings her brothers out. They're like, yo, I made it out. If Philly's not that far, let's go. So she then takes him over, back over to Philly. Then she goes, I'm gonna go get my husband. He's free. I don't really get it, but she gets it. So she dresses as a dude, goes back to her old plantation, goes to get her husband. Her husband's remarried in, like, two months. He finds a side piece.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And Harriet Tubman's like, every guy.

[A]

Every guy's the same. God, she's gone. Oh, yeah, I gotta get somebody else.

[B]

How could you be. How could. I mean, I'm sure there's a real simple explanation for this, but, like, how could you be a free black man in the south married to a slave?

[A]

I don't understand. I don't Know, I don't know how it works. I don't know. I'm sure you could call somebody, you know, who was like, oh, here's how we did it.

[B]

Should I call Donnell?

[A]

Yeah, you would love that question.

[B]

Hey, Donnell, can I ask you a question about slavery? Click.

[A]

Yeah. No, so. So wait, how many times did she make the trip down?

[B]

A lot. A lot. And she was like, I don't know.

[A]

I always picture. Is it like horseback? Is it trains? Like, how do you. How is. How are people making the. The whole time? My foot there and back is always my foot.

[B]

Woman must have walked if she had a pedometer. Like, if she had a.

[A]

She was getting her steps.

[B]

Is that her steps in.

[A]

Oh, that's cool.

[B]

She was definitely getting her steps.

[A]

That'd be a cool, you know, like, memorial for her.

[B]

I thought you're gonna say, like, integration.

[A]

No, I just meant, like, it's like, like a sign that said Harriet Tubman and then in quote said getting her stepson. You know, that's a really cool way to honor somebody.

[B]

Can I tell you, I think about when I was running the LA marathon, I thought about Harriet Tubman.

[A]

Shut the fuck up.

[B]

And I thought about the Trail of Tears and I was like, those guys did it, like. And they didn't even train.

[A]

They did not.

[B]

Like, Harriet Tubman did not train.

[A]

You didn't either. You just signed up.

[B]

And I wonder if she was sore as fuck the next day.

[A]

So is it reasonable to say that during the LA marathon that you ran, you were just like, I am bringing someone to freedom right now. I'm taking slaves to freedom. That's what you was going through your head.

[B]

No, I was just. I was just thinking, I am just like Harriet Tubman.

[A]

That is very cool. You have one new voicemail. Hi.

[C]

So you would be so proud of me. I'm hosting Thanksgiving for my friends and I was stressed because I really wanted it to feel just like Michigan. But then I found the same stuffing mix that you use on Instacart and I ordered instant gravy, canned cranberry. What else? Oh, I got everyone a little butter sculpture shaped like a turkey. All right, I should probably get cooking, but I missed you today. Happy Thanksgiving, Mom. Oh, and you should download Instacart. It's way easier than sending dad to the store. Download Instacart and enjoy free delivery on your first three orders. Service fees and terms apply. Blinds.com is kicking off the savings early with Black Friday mega deals all month long. A blinds.com design expert can help you make the perfect selection on your schedule. We can even handle everything from measure to your whole home install for just one low cost. With over 25 million windows covered, Blinds.com is the number one online retailer of custom window coverings. Get up to 45 off site wide and a free professional measure right [e-mail] rules and restrictions may apply.

[B]

If Harriet Tubman can do this, I can do this. And she didn't even have good shoes.

[A]

She definitely didn't.

[B]

Didn't have headsets.

[A]

No. She didn't have Nikes.

[B]

Didn't have. Wasn't on like a mapped out trail.

[A]

No.

[B]

Didn't have water stops. People weren't handing her bananas.

[A]

Nuh.

[B]

No.

[A]

No, no. Go pack kind of.

[B]

No.

[A]

Go pack little glucose spikes. Yeah, you're right. She did it way different than you. She did it in like boots. Yeah.

[B]

Harriet Tubman getting her steps.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's a good.

[A]

It's a good.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's the name of a new documentary.

[B]

Fitbit should do an integration with her best. Take a picture.

[A]

Oh my God.

[B]

Do they.

[A]

Do you remember that she was. She was going to be on the 20, wasn't she was going to be on the 20. You don't remember this?

[B]

No.

[A]

It was during, like sometime during the Trump presidency. They were like, oh, we're going to redesign the 20 and. And we're going to put Harriet Tubman on it. And most people were like, well, that's a great honor. Like, that seems pretty amazing. And I would have to get verification, but apparently Trump and. Or his office was like, I don't like that idea because she's not very attractive. I swear to God. I swear to God.

[B]

As opposed to all the other people on bills.

[A]

Those are gorgeous.

[B]

Like smoke shows that.

[A]

Is that wrong? That. Can some. Can they Google that?

[B]

He. Trump said, she's just not that hot.

[A]

Basically, this is what the story was. Now I'm somebody who will say, maybe that is not true. Maybe. But.

[B]

But you said it on a podcast, so now it's true forever.

[A]

Well, that. That was. I'm saying the rumor was that. I'm not making up the rumor.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Whether or not.

[B]

Oh, oh, oh, oh. That wasn't a real rumor.

[A]

That was a real rumor.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But I don't know. I can't verify that he actually said that. Now, would that be out of the realm of possibilities of something he would say? I don't think so.

[B]

I bet he's so fucking fun to have.

[A]

Hilarious. I bet he's. Yeah. Unhinged 24 7. Just like what?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Look at her. I don't want her on my money. I. I could totally see him saying that.

[B]

I would. I was. I was thinking it was going to be something else. Like, is it.

[A]

Is it. It's true.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Omarosa claims that Donald Trump questioned Harriet.

[B]

Tubman's appearance after Nate approached him about.

[A]

Putting the famous slave on the 20.

[B]

Omarosa.

[A]

Well, because she was on the Apprentice, and then she was in good graces with him for a while, and then she had a falling out.

[B]

Really? Yeah.

[A]

So could she have made up that he said that. Yes, I'm sure.

[B]

Was pretty hot. Right?

[A]

So, you know, I don't know, but it's still. It's a pretty cool story.

[B]

We did. This is the hardest I've laughed in a while. I. I think we have video of it, but it's one of the hardest I've laughed. Rachel, in our office, we're doing a fantasy football league. And, you know, our office is diverse. We have an African American young lady named.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Kyle.

[A]

Kudos to you.

[B]

Who works. Who works for us.

[A]

Yes. And we have one, too. His name's Any.

[B]

We should introduce them.

[A]

They would probably love to meet each.

[B]

Other, get them to play together. Yeah, bring. I'll bring. I'll bring Kyle to any. And then. And then me and you'll just wink, like.

[A]

Yeah, we'll just watch. We'll be like, so go ahead.

[B]

So we're doing punishments for the loser of our fantasy football league. And Rachel goes, you know, you got to spend 24 hours at a Waffle House. You gotta spend 24 hours at a Buffalo Wild Wings. You gotta.

[A]

That's the punishment.

[B]

You gotta get a tattoo. And then one of the ones she's like. She goes, you gotta get a spray tan. But super dark. We're all like. We look at Kyle and she goes, that's a punishment. And Rachel did not see it. She goes, yeah, really dark. And Kyle was like, like, how dark? I could not stop laughing. And I was like, rachel never got it. She was like, what? What? Wouldn't that be horrible? Oh, Kyle went through my closet. And she. And she goes, I think you're a black man. I think I'm starting to dress more like a black dude.

[A]

What? What. What was Kyle's observation? The hats and the shoes.

[B]

The hats and the shoes are number one. But if I were. If I dress fancy, I dress fancy.

[A]

Black.

[B]

Fancy black.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, how. What's like, loud suits, no collar. No collar.

[B]

Velvet, no collar. Oh, yeah. I went to. I went to Emmy's party.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I had a fucking badass shirt, but it was. Was patterned velvet with a velvet suit, velvet shoes.

[A]

You dress like a pastor.

[B]

Yeah, Yeah. I look. I dress like a black guy. When I went to Kevin Hart's party for the Netflix thing, I dress like a black dude. I don't dress like a black dude, but I just like. Like brothers kept complimenting me on what I was wearing.

[A]

That's a good sign. It feels good, too.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, when a black guy goes, dude, I like that shirt. And I was like, I thought you would.

[A]

Yeah. This is for the Emmys thing you're talking about.

[B]

For everything I dress, I dress like a black dude.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah. I started buying black dude outfits. I was telling you this.

[A]

Yes, you did.

[B]

A black dude xl, shockingly, is not an xl.

[A]

That was really strange.

[B]

That was wild.

[A]

Were you in a Southern city for that? I think you were.

[B]

Yeah, I was in a southern city. And I go to the. For lack of better words, the black eyed clothing places. Place that sells lots of colors of fedora hats. Everyone knows what we're talking about.

[A]

I've been there.

[B]

Yeah. And so I got these really cool.

[A]

Didn't you make it work? You feel like you make it work.

[B]

I wear them all the time. No one ever noticed. No one ever. No one's ever like, what are you doing?

[A]

Yeah. Like, are you wearing a costume?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You don't. You don't wear it like that?

[B]

No. People go, that. That looks good. That's.

[A]

I can't do that.

[B]

You can. But the thing is. So I go in and I get. I get two outfits. A tan one there. It's like a match. The pants and the shirt are the same.

[A]

You get those?

[B]

I get them.

[A]

The matching stuff.

[B]

Yeah. And it's interesting that you wear that.

[A]

Out or on stage or just.

[B]

I don't wear it on stage. I wear it out like if, like, I'm going somewhere.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like. Like. And so I get them and I just. I mean, maybe this is racist, but I assume then an Excel at a black guy store would be, like, actually be like a large. Like, I thought it would be. I thought it would be the same. You know how, like, Target XL is really, like a double xl.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And then, like, Abercrombie and Fitch XL is like a large. Right, Right. Like, you go to Banana Republic, their Excel is like a little more of a large.

[A]

So depending on the manufacturer and the.

[B]

Place you're buying it at, well, then.

[A]

Their typical clientele, it's like, they make the adjustment.

[B]

They make the adjustment. So that if you're selling that you feel good about yourself because they know who. Their clientele.

[A]

That's right. Or like, if you buy European cut clothing.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, they're fucking. Get out of here.

[A]

I went not long ago to buy a shirt from an Italian designer place. You know what actually fit, like, normal. Like, just fit like a normal shirt.

[B]

What?

[A]

4X.

[B]

That makes sense.

[A]

It was a quadruple X. And I was like, this is a 4x. And they're like, yes.

[B]

Yeah, we did not have your kind in.

[A]

And that was like. I mean, you know, it was just like a normal size T shirt. I was like, yeah, okay.

[B]

So. So I go in and I go, I'll get xls. And the guy behind the counter is like, are you sure? And I thought he was just saying, like, you're a big guy. And I was like, no, they'll fit. And he goes, okay. So I buy two outfits, four shirts.

[A]

You don't try it on.

[B]

I don't try it on because I'm like, I know my size. And by the way, I know I'm an XL now. I'm like, I'm an XL at Banana Republic. So I'm like, I'm good. Proper xl, dude. XL shirts. None of them fit. I bought an XL bedazzled giraffe on the back of one. Beautiful. Barely. Barely. Get my arm, dude.

[A]

I just got. I just got hosed by. I mean, he didn't do it on purpose, but you remember that T shirt that Bo said to get? And then he's. He's like, you and me are the same. Like, we're the same. So just order. Yeah. He's like, order what I got.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm like, oh, okay. He's like, we're the same. And I go, great. So I order it, I put it on, and it looks like I'm gonna go scuba diving in it. Like, it's like it fits here, and then it, like, sticks to the body, and I'm like, I look like an. Like, I look like a total in this. Of course, I already took off tags and all this. And, you know, it's not his fault. But the thing is, like, if you don't know how something's going to be cut.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Then you're just rolling the dice. And this. This size does not fit.

[B]

Wait, who is the designer?

[A]

It's. I don't want to say. You don't want to say it? I'll tell you later.

[B]

Okay. Yeah, I went to put on all these shirts, and none of them fit the Pants. None of the pants fit. The shirts fit on the suits, on the outfits, but the pants were super tight. They were not xl and the arms were cut weird. It was odd. And so I can't return them. I just have them.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

If there's a skinny black dude who would like two outfits, I got you, hit them up.

[A]

Hit him up. And I just have the shirts that I bought that he sent me, and they just. They sit in the corner and I go. One day.

[B]

I put on.

[A]

Just eyeballing November. Like, you can maybe get in these in November.

[B]

I put on a shirt to go to a premiere of a movie. I swear, Leanne and I started going to movie premieres.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Why?

[B]

I don't know. We have nothing to do.

[A]

Oh, is that fun?

[B]

Nah. I don't know. I don't know.

[A]

I like that you keep going. You're like, I don't even know if I'm having fun.

[B]

I'll tell you what's fun. I gotta be dead honest with you, is going to see a movie.

[A]

That I agree with.

[B]

That's the fun part. So, like, you're going to see a movie, but they. You can't get anything. They just give you popcorn and a Diet Coke. So you can't get. It's not like you're going to see a movie.

[A]

What would you normally get at a movie?

[B]

Fucking everything. Cocktails, Fucking hot dog. They don't have hot dogs. Pizza, anything. I'm keto, though, so I don't. I wouldn't eat a lot of that. Hardcore, hardcore keto. So we go. The last. We went, we've been to a couple. I'll tell you what's weird is in order to go, you have to do the red carpet.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Like, because that's why they're getting you there, so they can take pictures of you to say, oh, look who came to see this movie. Yeah. Oh, you wanna hear something cool about this? So random as Andy Garcia used to take acting classes next door to my house.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

So he's still at it, the guy still. He'd meet with this lady and he'd do acting, like, work on his. Work on his craft. And it was next door to my old house. My old house. Right. Yeah, it was next door. So randomly, all the time, I would see Andy Garcia, I would see him like once a week, I'd see Andy Garcia just walking. And. But in my front yard, he'd be. He'd be walking past. You remember how close those houses were? And I'd be like, hey, what's up. And every. I'd see him once a week. I saw Andy Garcia once a week. Right? So we go to this premiere for this movie, new George Clooney, Brad Pitt movie. I'm sure that's why they invite you, so you can talk about it on your podcast. Calls wolves. It's very fucking good. It's good, yes. Fucking George Clooney and Brad Pitt.

[A]

Well, I know, but I mean, it doesn't have to be a good movie.

[B]

They're fucking amazing, okay? So they go, hey, do you mind doing the red carpet? And by the way, this is kind of cool. They. Sometimes they tell Leanne, can you just wait while he does red carpet?

[A]

That's gotta feel good.

[B]

I go, yeah, no, just don't ever forget who brings the fucking butter home.

[A]

Yeah. So they're like, just stand over here.

[B]

Yeah. And she's cool. She's like, oh, sure, sure. I don't want your bother. I won't be a bother. And then today, this time, I go, hey, can she do it with me? And they're like, yeah, of course. It's amazing. So Andy Garcia walks up and they're like, yo, can we put Andy Garcia in front of you? I was like, fuck, yeah, of course. Because he's going to go in. He's friends with those guys. Andy Garcia walks in front of me and he goes like this. He goes, hey. I go, hey. And he goes, hey. And I go, yeah, what's up? He was like, oh. Like. And you can see. He's like, how the fuck do I know you? And I so badly want to go, I used to see you once a week, but I didn't. I didn't tell him. He just. He says, you could see. Liam was like, do you know Andy Garcia?

[A]

Wait, you never told her?

[B]

I never told her. I just. But I was like. I wanted to be like, I see you all the. I used to see you all the time, and. But I just. And then he just was like this. You could see his. He was like, am I dementia? How the do I know this guy?

[A]

I love Andy Garcia.

[B]

He is. He is great. George Clooney and Brad Pitt in person. Fucking gorgeous. They were in. So I didn't have to do much of the red carpet because they were still on the red carpet. I mean, when they do the red carpet, like, people are all over them. George, George, George. Turn this way. Turn this way. Just fucking great. Saw Simon Rex there. He's fucking gorgeous. But here's the question I have about these movie premieres. So if you're not going to see a free movie. It's a weird. It's a weird, like, social dichotomy of life. Like, it's a weird thing. Everyone ultimately wants to get next to Brad Pitt and talk to Brad Pitt or George Clooney. Yeah, ultimately, that's. You could see it. I mean, like, the seas were converging around them, like, so there was. It was three places you could hang out at this after party. Front bar, back outside barrier, upstairs bar, four places and the outside bar upstairs. George Clooney and Brad Pitt were in the outside bar upstairs. And it was. I mean, it was like, almost like they were releasing tickets to a concert. Like, and these are all people, I'd assume, that are in the movie industry, but they're all, like, trying to get close.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It was so weird. And I was just. It turned me off. I was like. I was like, let's just. I sat out and talked to Nick Kroll the whole time. And I was like. I was like. Just talked about stand up.

[A]

And it is gross. I've been. I was at a after party for After a premiere once. And the way that people are slowly. What they do is like, if the talent's over here, they start to, like. They're like, yeah, yeah. And you're like, what are you doing? And then they. The grossest is when stars start to move and then the people gradually start to, like, drift their steps this way so that maybe they can intercept them.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

On their path.

[B]

Or people go like this. People go like this. They're talking to you. And this is not Nick Kroll. And by the way, it was so not Nick Kroll that I started doing it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Is because I'm definitely. I'm someone that go be like, you know, look around.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, who's that? And Nick Kroll makes eye contact the whole fucking time he's talking to you. So then I started going, I'm gonna make eye contact too. So I was looking at him in his eyes, and it was, like, really creepy. But most of the people at those parties, they talked.

[A]

Probably because you were going, keep looking in his eyes. Keep looking at his eyes. And he was like, well, this is pretty intense, man. He's like, I'm good, I'm good. I. I gotta go.

[B]

But most people at those. This is the worst is you'll be talking to someone and you'll be like, yeah, I don't know. I thought the movie was good. And they're like, yeah, yeah, okay. And then they just walk away and you're like, the just happened.

[A]

It's very. It's very.

[B]

It's.

[A]

It's literally not different than high school. It is exactly the way high school hierarchy operates between, like, the coolest and there's this kid, and there's the. There's the weirdos and the. Like, it's the same thing. And they're just. Everyone's just trying to, like, who's the most popular. It's fucking strange.

[B]

Leanne said. She goes, do you want to go upstairs? And I was like.

[A]

I was like, maybe we can meet George and Brad.

[B]

Yeah. She goes, you won't. See if we can say hi to. They invited you. You should go up and say hi and thank you. And I was like, I don't think that's how it works. And I was like, and I think. I don't think it's gonna be what you think it's gonna be.

[A]

I love if you would have been, hey, George, thanks for inviting me. And he'd go, I'm sorry, you invited me. He goes, I don't fucking know who you are. He'd be like, hey, could you pull up that Aston Martin? I'll be out in a second. And you're like, yeah, sure. Thanks for inviting me. It's so sincere.

[B]

I've always wanted to go to Lake Cuomo. Lake Cuomo.

[A]

And he'll be like, yeah, thank you.

[B]

So we go upstairs. We go upstairs and it's. I mean, it is slam packed. And the whole time I'm like, yeah. I don't. I go, it's not. It's even if. Best case scenario. Best case scenario, Brad Pitt turns and he goes like this. And now we have my Andy Garcia moment where he's like, how do I know that person?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then I go, I'm friends with Tom Segura. And then he's going, huh? Like, best case scenario, I still it up.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so I was like. I was like, yo, this isn't. Let's get the out of here. And she was like, for real? You don't want to say hi to nobody. And then Richard fucking Kind. I bump into Richard Kind.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, hey, Bert. Hey, Leanne. Guy. Fucking remembered my wife's name.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Fucking remembered.

[A]

How did he wipe it?

[B]

We met him. We met him at a party. We just met him once. Really? Yeah. And he remembered my fucking wife's name. And I was like, jesus Christ, man. I was like, he's better than me.

[A]

He's awesome.

[B]

He's the best. And then. Yeah. And today. Then I did say sneaky I did see. Nick Kroll gets up. He's upstairs, and he's talking to Richard Kind. And George Clooney came up and dapped up Nick Kroll.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah. I thought that was cool.

[A]

That is cool.

[B]

I was like, whoa. And Nick, I don't. Nick. I don't think he knows him, but he was just like, what's up? I like your work, or whatever. I thought that was cool. We went to one premiere, and it was a snoop dogg movie. 1992. It's fucking sneaky good. It's like you. It's. It's Tyrese. Clint Eastwood, son. Scott Eastwood. And it's such a good fucking. It's Ray Lo's last movie. He did.

[A]

Really?

[B]

It is such a Good fucking movie.

[A]

1992.

[B]

It's called 1992. And I'll tell you.

[A]

And Snoop's. Snoop isn't.

[B]

Snoop produced it. Oh, black premieres way better than white premieres so far.

[A]

You're into black clothing.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Black podcasts, black shoes.

[B]

Their matriarchy.

[A]

The matriarchy.

[B]

I'm everything.

[A]

Black premieres, dude.

[B]

Stacy Adams are badass shoes. Sidebar.

[A]

Anyway, so super diverse episode.

[B]

So they. So it's. They. Tyrese goes up and talk. This is like, right when Tyrese was, like, kind of going wild everywhere right before he got arrested. He knew he was getting arrested. It was like. It was. He went up and gave, like, a. And like, Scott Eastwood, I don't think even went up there. He was just like, whatever, this is your movie. And so the best is he's like, I gotta give it up for Unk, everybody. Snoop Dogg. And by the way, I'm sitting. Me and Leanne are sitting behind Lunell. Okay? Lunell is the greatest. She is holding court in our corner with everyone. Everyone's. And then, like, Reggie Watts is there. I mean, like, it's like a. Interesting corner, right? Who is the dude sitting next to Reggie Watts? That is like, I wondered if they knew each other. He was famous, but I knew him. He was a comedian too, but I can't remember who it was. But anyway, so they're like, give it up for Snoop Dogg. And everyone goes, yeah, like Snoop Dogg. And then this white guy goes, yay, yay. And Lunella goes, that's Ice Cube, you dumb motherfucker. You culturally appropriate and white boy. And the place fucking fell out. Yay. Yay. I thought that was great.

[A]

That's hilarious. She's fantastic.

[B]

Lunell's amazing. She had a fish sandwich one time that I've been looking for for about Two years.

[A]

What?

[B]

What?

[A]

What do you mean? You were somewhere and she was eating a fish sandwich.

[B]

Eating a fish sandwich on live stream.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

And she was talking about it. I've talked to her three times about this fish sandwich. I even mentioned it, I think on Good Day la. I was like, if anyone helped me find this fish sandwich, it was so good looking and it was going out of. They were like trying to. They were trying to run this place out of business during COVID Yeah. And she was like, yo, if you can stop by this. It's a fucking.

[A]

Dude, I'm so. I'm so obsessed with Fancy Chef, you know? Have I told you about him?

[B]

What's Fancy Chef?

[A]

Fancy Chef is this, this guy who goes by. He. He posts like his cooking stuff, but it's just. It's not right. Like it's that something's wrong, you know?

[B]

Wait, wait, hold on. Tell me more.

[A]

So he's like, is he on Instagram? Yeah.

[B]

What's his. Is it Fancy Shop?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he does like, he'll be like, check out this shit I just made. And it'll be like, it'll be a store bought cake with blueberries on it. And he's like, look at this. Beautiful and nice. Beautiful and nice. And you're like, yeah, that's just a cake from, from Ralph's, you know, like that you put berries on. Did you find them?

[B]

Yeah. So he doesn't make the cake. I named the Thanksgiving holiday package.

[A]

Listen to this package off Thanksgiving, Christmas.

[B]

Eve, Christmas Day, New Year's Eve, New Year's Eve and Valentine's Day. What locks in your date? You can make me all the promises in the world. What locks in your date is your deposit. I'm asking up front for a 65 deposit.

[A]

You know what the rate is?

[B]

No.

[A]

2 to $5 million to cook for those six days. Okay. But if you scroll to look at some of the food he's made, like, if you see some of his food, you can see what kind of level we're talking where you see.

[B]

By the way, every video is the same. It looks like a clan member.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. He wears his hat a lot.

[B]

That's a weird choice for a black dude. Yeah, that hat. I mean, it looks like a clan outfit. Well, on purpose.

[A]

He wears his chef's outfit everywhere. His newest move is that he's going to restaurants ordering food, and then he's like, check out what I made. As he's sitting at the table. He just ordered it from a restaurant. He said, look at this beautiful Dish. You're like, you just ordered that. Like, you're not in the kitchen. You're just sitting at a table at a restaurant. So I've been obsessed with his videos. And he also, like, he'll. He puts a lot of shit in wine glass. So he'll be like, you know, here, I have a wine glass. And then he'll put like a rib in there, some raspberries, ranch dressing and honey. And he'll be like, look at this. It's beautiful. So I watched his videos and. Which he. He also has three phone numbers. You know, one of those guys who's like, give me a call. 570-214-7026. And you're like, what the. What? How many fucking numbers do you have?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So we've been calling him and calling him and calling him, and we finally got him on the phone, and I was like, I want you to come to Austin. How much to cook for me? He's like. He's like, I already been through this with your man Zolo. And I was like, yeah.

[B]

Are you serious?

[A]

Yeah, because Zola. And I go, so you're locked in. He goes, I told him, like, he only. He said, I only fly first class. I go, done. Five star hotel, done. Ground transportation, done. And then he's like, I don't. With paper plates. I was like, okay. So he was like, go buy fancy cutlery. And. And then, you know, full kitchen. He needs every possible piece of cooking equipment you could have. And I go, great, we'll shop for all of it. And then I was like, are we set? And he was like, yeah. And I go, what will you make? And he goes, I've been a chef for 40 years, man. Or cook anything you want. And I was like, great. I love sea bass. And he goes, yeah, I don't really with seafood.

[B]

I was like, are you serious? Yeah.

[A]

I was like, that's a huge part of cuisine.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

He's like, yeah, it smells. I was like, all right, so what do you want to make? He's like, how about like, a New York strip? I was like, all right.

[B]

I love New York strip.

[A]

Strip works.

[B]

By the way, that's the last piece of steak I'd want. I don't. Out of all the cuts.

[A]

Okay, so here's the thing. We're so excited. He's supposed to come Wednesday to Austin. Yeah. And I don't know if he's going to show up. I just pointed out to the guys. I was like, do you have car service? And they're like, yeah, picking him up. I go, no, taking him to the airport. You think he's going to find the airport?

[B]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. You got to. You got to fucking.

[A]

You got to pick him up door.

[B]

To door, this guy.

[A]

And they were like, okay, we'll add that. So we're going to be very excited. I mean, we are excited. Be very disappointed if he doesn't show up.

[B]

He's not going to show up. I don't know.

[A]

I can't believe he's charging 2 to 5 million for those six days of work.

[B]

That's wild.

[A]

That's a. With a 65% deposit of.

[B]

I mean, if he. But here's the deal. It's really smart for him because if he just one of those, he's set for life.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

All he has to do is book one and book all of them. But if he books all of them.

[A]

Hey, man, I know the range was two to five. I took the five million dollar options, and I just sent you three million dollars for the deposit. We good? Like, boink. And then, you know, he would just get there and be like, this shit ain't right. I'm leaving. Walk out.

[B]

God forbid that those people want sea bass.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

They pay $5 million and they don't get sea bass.

[A]

I'd be so upset.

[B]

I love it. I love where this world's turned. I love that you don't have to know how to do what you're doing to do it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I think it's so fucking demands. Yeah.

[A]

That's the thing is he is slowly but surely becoming a star with his. This profile that people are slowly discovering. And we started talking about it, and then the episode is going to come out pretty soon where we highlight him more and then we get him on the phone and. Yeah. I've invited, like, some other special people to be there for him. Yeah.

[B]

We are from a very lucky generation.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

We, me and you are from a generation where not everyone could do everything so you could. Like, our chefs. Our chefs had to want to be chefs. They didn't want to be television personalities. Totally like that. Like, there was a period where, like, people were becoming chefs just so they could get in front of the camera.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, yeah, I'm a chef, but, like, I want to. I'm.

[A]

I think that's still done now.

[B]

Yeah. And comics. I chose comedy. I mean, this is going to sound crazy to anyone, and I. I know I sound out of my mind sometimes, but I chose comedy when it wasn't an occupation.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, when no one was doing comedy. No one decided to be a comedian when we started doing comedy.

[A]

Well, I think people were. But they, we had. First of all, we had no idea that the Internet would be the, the platform that it, like, the Internet existed, but just barely. But it did exist, but no one was like, yeah, you can share your stuff there. Like, we went into it being like, God, I hope enough the right people see me and I can get maybe some TV deal. But more importantly, have clubs. Just book me. That was it. That's.

[B]

I didn't even know there were clubs. I didn't even know how comedy worked. Yeah, I just knew I wanted to do standup and I needed to move to New York. And I was like, I'd never seen, I'd seen him come. I didn't even understand how the business worked. Now I see people doing comedy that they're like, like, my daughter's best friend wants to be a comedian. Really? Yeah. And I was like, I think she should. I really think she should. She's the funniest fucking human being I've ever been around. She is so fucking.

[A]

Your older daughter.

[B]

George is a best friend. She's. I actually was like, yo, no lie. I tried to get her on stage at Fully Loaded. Me and Whitney tried to get her on stage. We're like, just get on stage. Just try it. Because she is really genuinely one of the funniest human beings around. I had that. That child has made me laugh and that child has made me laugh and not. This is the best. I always say this about people that, like, as a comic, you know, someone's funny, you know someone's going to be great when they make you laugh and they're not trying to make you laugh.

[A]

Right.

[B]

When they're just being them and you're laughing. That's what a real comic spirit is.

[A]

That's what you end up trying to be.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That person that was not trying to be a performer.

[B]

Yeah, the reason. Yeah, I mean, I was, I told this to someone the other day.

[A]

She wouldn't, she wouldn't get on, though. When you guys tried to.

[B]

She was, she's 28, 19 years old. She was terrified. It's 12, 000 people. Is now maybe not the time to do an open mic?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I was like, Whitney, like Whitney and I wrote her an act. We're like, just say these jokes, get yourself comfortable, and then talk from your heart. Like, just say, she made me. I mean, this. I, I, we love this kid like a child. Like, like one of our children. She's Been with us, you know, but, like, this kid's genuinely fucking funny. But nowadays, it's like. It's like, I see so many people go, yeah, I'll just do comedy. Maybe I'll just start a YouTube channel. I'm going to culinary school. And you're like, but, yeah, but what are your incentives? I feel like things have been whittled. Like, all of a sudden something pops, right. And then everyone runs to it and everyone goes, well, I'm going to be one of those now.

[A]

Yeah, of course.

[B]

And you're like, when our generation, it was like. Like, Dave Attell became a comedian because that's the only thing he could do.

[A]

Yeah. And he loved doing it.

[B]

Sarah Silverman. I don't think people realize how special Sarah is. Sarah started at a young age and has been doing standup comedy at a high level for the longest time. And she didn't pick it because she thought it was a way to get into acting or that this would is going to leapfrog her skin line.

[A]

You do it for the same reason. That's the thing that is shared, no matter the generation, is you start it and you do it because you're like, oh, this way I don't have to get a real job.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's like, this is the best. If I can make enough to survive, then I can not have a real job, which is really the goal.

[B]

Joe Rogan, I mean, I think people forget. I think. Because now Joe is what he is. Joe Rogan didn't get in this to have a podcast.

[A]

No.

[B]

At all. He got in it 1. To get away from head. Head wounds.

[A]

Yeah. And trauma.

[B]

Head trauma.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And he loved comedy. And I see so many people nowadays, and I'm not shitting on them. I don't really care. It's like, I just. Have fun with your life, ultimately. But, like, it's so funny that the thing that we picked when we had no real, like, about a lot of options now seems like a very viable job for people.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, I think.

[B]

Do you remember telling your dad you wanted to do comedy?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

How did that go?

[A]

You know, he was surprisingly, like, I don't think he fully got it, but he's really supportive.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He was just like, you got it. You got to go try to do this. Because his. His story was that, you know, he was like. He ran track, he played football, he was a starting quarterback, he was a competitive Olympic lifter. And what he wanted to do was be a high school football coach and a PE teacher. That's what he wanted to do.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And he said that he told his dad, and his dad was like, no son of mine is going to be a PE Teacher. Right. So. And. And he always talked about. He loved. He loved football college. But he's like, I loved. He's like, I wanted to be a high school football coach. And my dad was like, absolutely not. So, you know, he went into, like, a traditional. He became a financial advisor. He's the guy that you go, I want to open a 401K. And he liked it. You get to work with people. And he loved working with people and stuff. And. But when I was like, yeah, I want to do comedy, he was like, I'm going to do what my dad didn't do. And, like, he's like, I don't really understand how that works.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I'm saying, go try it, because you don't want to be older and be like, I wish I would have tried this thing. So he was really encouraging. My mom was like, what are you talking about? Like, you should go to the post office and get a job at the post office. And I was like, what? And she was like, this way you have a job and you can do your shows at night. And I go at the fucking post office. And she was 100% serious. You know, she's like, they have benefits and the federal employee. And I'm like, what? So. But he was always very encouraging, you know, and, like, he. He was, like, thrilled when I made 50 bucks do. I told him one time I made $50 doing this show. He was like, jesus, really? I go, yeah, give me 50 bucks just to pop into the show. And he was like, that's fucking great. He was, like, telling. He was bragging. He was like, 50 bucks, let's do a show. But he was, like, super excited by it. But he also was just like, you know, I don't know how this works.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Now, I also remember telling him, like, oh, like, this month, you know, I shot that commercial, but, like, the residuals haven't come in, so it's not good. He's like, hey, you gotta, like, figure something out. And that's when I was like, yeah, like one of those early transition stages. And I got a job at a pizza place off of Riverside Drive in the Valley.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[A]

And I was. I was like. So I was like. I was like, okay, I gotta, like.

[B]

Should have joined the post office.

[A]

Yeah, post office would have been cooler. Um, that's why I started doing all those odd end jobs was like, you know, to float between get. And then. Even then, dude, I still remember in 2011, the improv gave me nine weeks in a row of headlining in a row. One week off, and then 11 weeks in a row headlining. Wow. And I took every single week.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And when I got back from 20 weeks of headlining, I was like, I have to get a job that they were paying me 1250, which everyone's gonna be like, 1250 a week.

[B]

You gotta pay for travel.

[A]

Pay for travel. And you. You live while you're there. You gotta buy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Certain meals and. And pay your got back. And I was like, yeah, it's not enough to live for. Headlining the a club of the nation.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And that's when I became a site rep. Remember when I was a site rep?

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

So that's what site rep is like, somebody's like, yeah, you can shoot in our building for a production, but somebody has to oversee the product. Like the liaison between the building and the production. So then I had to do that. And that was like, after headlighting all those weeks, I was like, ah, this is fucking. Yeah. But he still was like, very. He was still like, yeah. You know, I go like, oh, yeah. You know, I'm still doing better than last year. That's what I always graded on for him. I was like, well, last year I was like, this. This year's a better year.

[B]

Oh, I was the exact opposite. I had an amazing first year of comedy.

[A]

Oh, right.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You had, like, deals.

[B]

An amazing second year of comedy. I had an amazing first three, four years of comedy. Was like, Chosen Child, the chosen one. Pete, can I get a beer? Chosen one.

[A]

You can have this one.

[B]

And then. Okay, I trust you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That second shit's coming up.

[A]

Is it?

[B]

Well, that was close. I got a Pete.

[A]

Oh, my God. Thanks.

[B]

So, yeah, I had a big deal. Six months into doing comedy with Will Smith, I had another big deal. I had a TV show. I did a pilot. I had another TV show. And then I spent it all.

[A]

Isn't that crazy?

[B]

I spent it all. I spent. I spent money. Like, I remember one time my business manager called and he was like, are you sick?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I was like, why? And he goes, you're spending money like you're dying. I was like, is it. Am I not. I remember. I remember my. I remember my.

[A]

Like, you're dying.

[B]

Yeah. I remember my credit card. My credit card got declined for a pizza. That's when I knew I didn't have any money left. I was a canary in the mine.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I had whatever it was Like Merrill lynch, right? Is that, like, a Merrill lynch card?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I got a pizza, and I was. And I. I think I either gave him the credit card number and it got declined, and I was like, so I'm out of money. That's how I knew I was out of money.

[A]

Jesus Christ. Yeah, I did know that one time I took.

[B]

I.

[A]

This is like, I don't remember the year, but, you know, I just started to work more, and, like, I think I put out an album. So I had, like, the. And you look at when you book a trip, like, oh, the rooms are this. This is. And you're like, oh, so it'll cost this much?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I tell Christina we're going to Hawaii, and we go to Hawaii. And then during the trip, I'm realizing that, like, lunch at this hotel is, like, 400. Like, they're just like, this is the only place to eat. It's $400 for lunch. And I'm like. And Christine's like, we can afford this. I'm like, yeah. And we get to the end of the thing, and I see, like, the checkout built. I'm like, this is, like, three times what I thought this was.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I'm just like. And I, like, hand it over, and I get back, and I'm like, I'm making, like, payments on this thing. And I was like, this is stupid. She has no idea that I'm like, I think I have to sell something to, like, to pay for this trip, you know?

[B]

You know my story of my honeymoon, right?

[A]

Yeah, of course. I brought it up earlier. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Yeah. It's devastating. You're like, oh, my God.

[B]

It's insane.

[A]

And how things can just turn, like, you know, I mean, dude, I remember. This is. This is crazy. But I remember when my dad came out in, like, I think that was 2017. 2017 or 18. And I was like, oh, these are my tax returns for this year. And he goes, do you realize that you earned more this year than in my entire career combined? And I was like, really? And he was like, yeah. And I go, do you realize that this was, like, just talking about my dick and farts and stuff? That's it. It's just me being like, I farted. And I actually. When I farted. And he was like, that's great, buddy. Isn't that crazy, though?

[B]

What's crazy is your kids will never have that with you.

[A]

They better not.

[B]

Yeah. My daughters will never make more money than I made. It's a great. They're about to start their careers. They'll never achieve what I have achieved. They'll never fill these shoes. They will always. I will always be. I will be their Bruce Willis. They will always be my Tallulahs and Scouts. They are. Yeah, it's kind of. I remember my dad's. At one point, I remember saying, like, I don't know what to do. And he's like, buddy, I can't tell you. I don't. I've never. I didn't make money like that. And I was like, okay, so what do we do? He's like, I don't know. He's a. Good luck. My daughter's old. Oh, it's kind of nice.

[A]

It's kind of nice.

[B]

And by the way, I want to just point this out to bring this full circle. All of my life happened while I was drinking.

[A]

Yeah. That is a.

[B]

You're. You're sitting.

[A]

Look at over here.

[B]

You're sitting on your couch right now.

[A]

Your coffee, thinking about quitting, drinking.

[B]

The Zen in. You're hungover, you're listening to us, and you're thinking, I need to change my life. No, you don't. You don't need to change your life. Yep. You just gotta dial it in. Listen, here's the deal. Go to the bar tonight, and if.

[A]

You'Re having that thought, don't forget. If you're having that thought, man, alcohol is ruining my life.

[B]

It's not.

[A]

It's not.

[B]

It's you.

[A]

It's you.

[B]

It's you. The alcohol. Listen, how many dry drunks do you know? How many guys do we know that are sober, that are still a fucking mess?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And then they're like, yeah, man, I couldn't drink. I fucking. I'd lose my life. And you're like, no, you're still a piece of shit.

[A]

But if you're ready to make that phone call to say, I need help, I need to.

[B]

I should do a hotline kit, kick.

[A]

This thing that I think has taken over my life. You're saying that's not the thing to do?

[B]

No, it's not. Here's what you're doing. You're on your couch, you're having a Zen. You're having a coffee, and you're saying, that's it. I'm done. She won't call me back. I fucked up last night. I don't know where my. You know, I listened to. Have you listened to Josh Brolin talk about getting sober?

[A]

I heard a clip I think you sent me.

[B]

I sent a clip of him talking about, I'm a huge Josh Brolin fan.

[A]

He's fantastic.

[B]

But. But holy fuck.

[A]

Yeah, he's a. He's really had a problem.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, the clip is worth finding. He's doing a podcast, I think, with Woody Harrelson.

[A]

I don't know. I didn't even see who else was on there, and.

[B]

No, it was Woody Harrelson and Ted Danson. They have a podcast.

[A]

Oh, really?

[B]

Yeah, they have a podcast.

[A]

That's awesome.

[B]

Yeah. Apparently they're, like, best friends.

[A]

Yeah, they did a show together.

[B]

No, I know that, but they're, like, legit still best friends.

[A]

I didn't know that.

[B]

Crazy. Yeah. But Josh Brolin's like. He was like, what got you to quit drinking? He said, you know, I woke up on the sidewalk.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. Here's what I would say when I watch that clip dial. And I've met Josh Brolin, and I don't know him, but I met him.

[A]

I met him.

[B]

He's the coolest dude.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what Josh Brolin did? He got. He quit the drinking, but he got help. Like, he. He fixed Josh Brolin.

[A]

Right?

[B]

Like, it wasn't the booze. It's the dude inside the booze.

[A]

But couldn't you argue that some dudes just can't handle booze? Sure.

[B]

Don't drink. I don't care. But. Okay, but, like. But that's not that. That's few and far between. Most of the people that quit drinking are just like. Like, Steve O Couldn't. Steve O. Is a better human being sober.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

By far. What I'm talking about is the dudes who that, man. It's like. It's like they almost get in your head with, like, you gotta be sober, and then all of a sudden, you quit drinking, but you're like, I don't know. I don't know what I'm trying to say, but it's like, I. I think you ready for this.

[A]

Yeah, I'm ready.

[B]

I think a lot of dudes. I'm saying, dudes. I'm not going to talk about women. I'm a man. I only talk about men. A lot of dudes get sober for the attention, and you got to realize, are you getting sober for the attention? Are you getting sober? Because you're sitting there going, like, I want to tell people. I want to have a reason for people to root for me again. Like, okay, you just. You know, I quit drinking, and you're like, oh, good for you. And then that's your thing. That's your new thing. But that by the way, that's the same thing. Booze was for you.

[A]

Right?

[B]

Booze was that same thing.

[A]

So in other words, instead of, like, trying to get the attention that way, stick to who you were, Stick to who you are. Get, drink, don't. Or don't quit drinking. Yeah, but just get it under control.

[B]

Get it under control. Do this. Go to the bar tonight, have a drink, and then don't drink for one hour.

[A]

What about the person who's like, yeah, I can't do that.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Well, that shouldn't.

[B]

They quit, then get a job on a boat.

[A]

What happened?

[B]

I don't know. I don't know if I can tell that guy. I don't know.

[A]

But I think that's who we're talking to, is, like, the person who's like, what do I do if I can't wait an hour?

[B]

Oh, I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. Maybe you have a problem. You might have a problem. You might need to quit.

[A]

We're gonna wrap up on that.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

I mean, don't forget, if you're trying to get your shit together, listen to Bert. He has good ideas.

[B]

And just know that if you are trying to get your shit together, that there's one person in this world that will still love you, drunk or sober. If you fall off the wagon, I will still love you. If you decide to get sober, I'll still love you. That's the way the world should work. And that's the people you need in your life. And you get more people like that in your life. Like my best friend, Tom Segura, who has loved me. Drunk, sober, fat, skinny, poor, rich, everything, Every single. That's what you need. Not the fucking other stuff.

[A]

That's true. And we love you, and we thank you for watching and for listening. And we'll see you next week, Bert and Tom.

[B]

Tom and Bert. One goes topless while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories, and Berts the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call two bears, one cave.