Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend?" | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Released on December 2, 2024, by YMH Studios, this episode of "2 Bears, 1 Cave" features comedians Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer engaging in a candid and humorous conversation with guest Dax Shepard. The trio delves into topics ranging from podcasting journeys and personal struggles to relationships and the complexities of fame.

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1. Introduction to the Guest: Dax Shepard

The episode kicks off with Bert Kreischer announcing his "Come Together" tour dates, setting a lively tone. Shortly after, the conversation shifts to the introduction of Dax Shepard, highlighting his multifaceted career and his burgeoning influence in the podcasting world.

Notable Quote:

• Bert Kreischer [00:00]: "I'm bringing my Come Together tour to a few more cities to close out 2024..."

2. The Evolution of Podcasting

Tom Segura and Dax Shepard discuss the inception of Shepard's podcast in 2017, comparing it to their own early podcasting experiences. They explore how Shepard's late entry into podcasting didn't deter him from achieving remarkable success, even surpassing some of their own endeavors.

Notable Quotes:

• Tom Segura [00:37]: "Are we rolling? So wait, let's start your podcast in 2017."
• Dax Shepard [08:09]: "The irony of this whole thing is I am a gre. Little pig who is obsessed with money and has so much fear around money..."

3. Personal Struggles and Mental Health

A significant portion of the discussion centers around personal battles with depression, anxiety, and addiction. Shepard shares his experiences with painkiller addiction and the emotional toll it took on his relationships and career. Both Segura and Kreischer reflect on their vulnerabilities, emphasizing the importance of therapy and self-awareness.

Notable Quotes:

• Dax Shepard [00:52]: "I was supremely depressed about the performance."
• Tom Segura [03:02]: "Intimacy issues. Because you were afraid if you did that you'd be then responsible for them emotionally."

4. Navigating Relationships and Marriage

The conversation delves into the dynamics of being a married man in the public eye. Segura humorously discusses his challenges with intimacy, while Shepard talks about maintaining a strong relationship with his wife, Kristen Bell, despite their hectic schedules and external pressures.

Notable Quotes:

• Dax Shepard [16:00]: "We are like homebodies. We're fucking in love with our two daughters. Everything we do is with them."
• Tom Segura [05:23]: "How could you not? But it's like when she got the DUI and she was like, you don't know who the fuck I am..."

5. The Impact of Fame and Celebrity Interactions

Shepard and Segura explore the nuances of fame, discussing how unexpected success can lead to unforeseen challenges. They share anecdotes about interactions with other celebrities, the pressures of maintaining authenticity, and the fear that sudden fame might dissolve genuine relationships.

Notable Quotes:

• Dax Shepard [06:30]: "I was a fan since Punk'd. I felt like you were one of us..."
• Tom Segura [93:06]: "That's insanely unexpected. Did you see Maverick?"

6. Coping Mechanisms and Personal Growth

Both comedians and Shepard discuss their coping strategies, including meditation, journaling, and physical fitness. They highlight the importance of routine in managing mental health and the role of personal interests, like motorcycles and fitness, in maintaining balance.

Notable Quotes:

• Dax Shepard [39:35]: "I've learned. Yeah, I gotta have. I'm like, I'm such a creature of habit."
• Tom Segura [41:14]: "I write those out in goals. This year's goals. I know I used..."

7. Reflections on Addiction and Recovery

Shepard candidly talks about his journey through addiction and the continuous effort required for recovery. The conversation underscores the challenges of overcoming substance abuse and the significance of support systems in achieving sobriety.

Notable Quotes:

• Dax Shepard [35:56]: "So, like, not being dramatic, but I just. I would have died..."
• Tom Segura [28:40]: "I think some people call it OCD. I know I have probably versions of whatever OCD is..."

8. The Joys and Pitfalls of Creativity

The trio reflects on the creative processes behind podcasting and filmmaking. They discuss the joy of collaborating with like-minded individuals, the frustrations of creative blocks, and the unexpected paths that creativity can take.

Notable Quotes:

• Dax Shepard [43:41]: "But I did find out a whole script about it and he was like, I love this."
• Tom Segura [71:05]: "There's not one human being alive that wouldn't love Video Village."

9. Closing Thoughts and Mutual Admiration

As the episode winds down, Segura and Shepard express their mutual respect and admiration. They share personal stories that highlight their friendship, the bonds formed through comedic and creative collaboration, and the support they offer each other in both professional and personal spheres.

Notable Quotes:

• Tom Segura [103:47]: "You're a smart dude. You've been in therapy, you got a solid wife who's steering the ship, but you're still broken, like all of us."
• Dax Shepard [103:52]: "You're on our team. I fucking love you, man."

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Conclusion

"Is Dax Shepard Bert's New Best Friend?" offers an unfiltered glimpse into the lives of three creative individuals navigating the complexities of fame, personal struggles, and enduring friendships. Through humor and honesty, Tom Segura, Bert Kreischer, and Dax Shepard create a compelling narrative that resonates with listeners who appreciate genuine conversations about life's highs and lows.

Recommendation: This episode is highly recommended for fans of comedic podcasts that blend humor with heartfelt discussions. It provides valuable insights into the personal lives of successful comedians and the importance of mental health and authentic relationships.

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Note: All timestamps correspond to the provided transcript and are included to reference notable quotes and discussions.

Transcript

[Bert Kreischer]

What's up, guys? I'm bringing my Come Together tour to a few more cities to close out 2024. This Saturday, December 7th, I'll be in New Orleans at the Lakefront Arena. The next night, I'll be in Pensacola, Florida at the Bay Center. January 10th, I'll be in Richmond, Virginia at the Altria Theater. The early show is sold out. We still have tickets for The Late Show. January 11th, I'll be in Norfolk, Virginia at Scope arena and Louisville, Kentucky. The Friday show on January 17th is sold out. So we added Thursday the 16th tickets. And all info [e-mail] tour 100%.

[Tom Segura]

Are we rolling? So wait, let's start your podcast in 2017. Yeah, yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

It'll be seven years on Valentine's Day.

[Tom Segura]

Before or after chips?

[Dax Shepard]

After. In the wake of depression.

[Tom Segura]

I'm dying to hear about that.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was supremely depressed about the performance.

[Tom Segura]

It's a good movie.

[Dax Shepard]

Thank you so much.

[Tom Segura]

Let me tell you the nuances that no one gets in this goddamn movie.

[Dax Shepard]

Please break it down for everyone.

[Tom Segura]

Your thumbprint of your character is. Is Dax Shepard. I don't know if everyone catches that.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

But as a guy who listens to the podcast and watch that movie, you do talk.

[Dax Shepard]

It's a dude with too many surgeries and he's addicted to painkiller and he talks.

[Tom Segura]

Therapy talk.

[Dax Shepard]

He's constantly getting too emotional with everyone and everyone's uncomfortable with it.

[Tom Segura]

It's.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes, it's very me.

[Tom Segura]

And by the way, Pena's awesome. Michael Pena is awesome in that.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, he's outrageous.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it's a great. It's a great and fucking. How many movies have you done with Vincent D'Onofrio?

[Dax Shepard]

A lot at this point. As I told him, we did this movie, the Judge, together with Robert Downey and Duvall, and I just fell in love with him. And afterwards, he called and said, hey, we're gonna do this movie, a Christmas movie. And I go, great. He goes, I'll send you a script. I go, no, no, you don't have to send it to me. I'll just. Whatever you do, I'll do. Yeah, you wanna do a KFC commercial? I'm there, you know, because he's Vincent D'Onofrio.

[Tom Segura]

Dude.

[Dax Shepard]

What a stud.

[Tom Segura]

He's a fucking he.

[Dax Shepard]

I think also, you know, a lady killer.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, my God. I've never seen. Well, funny enough, that movie had two of the world's great lady killers, Billy Bob Thornton, which, prior to meeting him and working with him, of course. I thought he was brilliant and I love Sling Blade, but you go like, wow, man, he got Angelina Jolie. This is really fascinating. And then I was around him and again, I'm charmed by him. But then I went out to eat with he and my wife and he just. He just laser beamed my wife in the eyes with his eyes and she just got all fucked up in a second. I was like, oh, my God, I see what's happening. That's what's going on. And then lo and behold, D'Onofrio's got the same powers.

[Tom Segura]

For real?

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I don't have that.

[Dax Shepard]

So the two of them, you don't have that? You've been married 20 years.

[Tom Segura]

20? Yeah, I talk myself out of pussy.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, you should as a married man.

[Tom Segura]

No, no. Like, you really had to be committed to fucking me if you wanted to fuck me because.

[Dax Shepard]

Because why?

[Tom Segura]

I give you every excuse not to.

[Dax Shepard]

Why? What was the hold up?

[Tom Segura]

Intimacy issues.

[Dax Shepard]

Because you were afraid if you did that you'd be then responsible for them emotionally.

[Tom Segura]

I know. It's like someone who's really bad at karaoke not wanting to sing karaoke. Yeah, Like, I just didn't.

[Dax Shepard]

But it wasn't that you thought you were a terrible lay or anything or that too.

[Tom Segura]

That was it.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Wait. Are you good at sex?

[Dax Shepard]

That's an impossible question to answer. I would hate any dude that said I'm fucking good at sex.

[Tom Segura]

Can I tell you that? I would say the majority of America thinks that that is how your relationship. Like, you're. I just imagine you guys were primal. Like, you guys fucking just. I. That. Because. Because first of all, you are all of us.

[Dax Shepard]

Me.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, right.

[Dax Shepard]

As far like a regular.

[Tom Segura]

That's why we're fans of yours.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, Weechin, first, it's your show and no, you decide the order. But I think it'd be really fun to first go through the fact that you didn't like me and then you kind of liked me. First of all, because I know.

[Tom Segura]

Hold on. Fuck off.

[Dax Shepard]

I think that'd be a fun starting spot.

[Tom Segura]

So let's start off with.

[Dax Shepard]

Let's do a little house.

[Tom Segura]

So you start your podcast in 2017. Now you gotta remember me. Tommy Joe, Ari, Joey Diaz, Duncan Trussell. We're all early podcasts.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, yeah, I'm way late. And believe me, I was self conscious about it, so.

[Tom Segura]

And by the way, we did this to the Kelsey brothers too, so you're in good company.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, better to pick a fight with me than the Kelsey Brothers.

[Tom Segura]

And we get on doing a podcast. And your podcast is blowing the up. And it's good.

[Dax Shepard]

Sure, sure, sure, sure.

[Tom Segura]

And it's good. And you're getting great guests.

[Dax Shepard]

Sure. Yeah. We could never get.

[Tom Segura]

You have an inline on, like, celebrity. A listers are like, oh, I'll talk to him. And me and Tommy are out on the outside going like, what the fuck? So we do during the pandemic, I was like, man, Dax Shepard.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, great. So it was that out loud. Because I gotta hold. I don't wanna jump ahead, but I got to hear you talk about receiving a gift from me.

[Tom Segura]

Your team is awesome.

[Dax Shepard]

I don't have a team. And it wasn't me. And I wanna take that compliment. Cause that would have been the greatest thing to do. And I wish I had the smartest thing.

[Tom Segura]

It's the smartest it. And by the way, it's like casually you talk shit about people on podcasts. Cause you're just filling time.

[Dax Shepard]

Yep. And you really forget anyone can hear you.

[Tom Segura]

And by the way, I know people have done it to me, and I've heard them do it. And I get it. I get it. I mean, I trashed Reese Witherspoon once. I love Reese Witherspoon.

[Dax Shepard]

How could you not?

[Tom Segura]

But it's like when she got the dui and she was like, you don't know who the fuck I am. And by the way, I wasn't even trashing her because everyone could be that person.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, also, let's start with. She's hammered.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. She's fucking Reese Witherspoon. Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

And it's not like there was a sober version of her going, do you know who I am? It's like, no. This is a plaster person clutching at straws. They're fucked.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So. So we're doing a podcast during the pandemic, and I was like, fuck Dax Shepard. I go, he's already got a movie career. He's already got all Christian Bailey. He's got Kristen Bell. You fucking decide to sell a washer and dryer and it goes viral. I mean, like, anything you touch is gold. And I go, and now he's coming for our shit.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

It's like, you're like the. You're the cat. You were the guy. In my opinion, you were the guy that graduated high school, but came back and took all our chicks.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay?

[Tom Segura]

And I was like. I was like, man. And he's got a smart fucking co host. And she's a person of color. I go, we're two white guys. So that was. That was our take. And I was like, that's very fair. Now, I have to say this. If I really. If I really didn't like Dax Shepard, you would never land on my radar.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay?

[Tom Segura]

So that's. That's the number one thing is, like, is that I was a fan since Punk'd. I felt like you were one of us. I always felt like you weren't a Hollywood insider.

[Dax Shepard]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

I felt like you got into movies that were cult classics. So then when you got into podcasting, I was like, okay, he's fair game. He's one of us.

[Dax Shepard]

I understand. And I am a poser. I was late, in fact.

[Tom Segura]

Not a poser.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, no, hold on. I was.

[Tom Segura]

Dude, by the way, fucking smart list can get it too. I'll tell you right now. Those motherfuckers show up and take, what, like, $200 million, and they're flying on private jets, and they're not even getting shit.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Friends of mine, and they launched their show on my show. So now I will. I can admit I actually wish all the success in the world. They're three friends. But I did. I was like. I said to Monica, I'm like, man, the cumulative connections they have between the three of them, I just can't compete. I could be on the phone all day long and just. I mean, like, Paul McCartney swinging by, and you're seeing these people and. Yeah, I. I had. I had guest envy for those guys, I guess. I continued to. They got Letterman to do a live show. Like, I was just. I'll do whatever just to get him on, you know, I would have done Zoom. Whatever. The fact that they got him to come and do a live show is like, how. What would he do?

[Tom Segura]

That's where it's based out of. Is like, you. You get into podcasting, you do it, and you let's. I'll be very real. You have everyone mock this thing you're doing. That is a passion project. You're not making a ton of money at it. And then money shows up and you see celebrities flood it.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

And then overwhelm all these, like, people who. I mean. I mean, like, no, no shit.

[Dax Shepard]

Like, there's some cash grabs out there. I. I will add my own defense. I didn't know you could make money.

[Tom Segura]

You weren't a cash grab.

[Dax Shepard]

The irony of this whole thing is I am a gre. Little pig who is obsessed with money and has so much fear around money, and I wanted money so bad from acting and directing and writing, and then this. I didn't even know you could make money. I did it for the joy of doing it, because I love shooting the shit with people. And then, lo and behold, that was the thing that brought in money, which, you know, totally unforeseeable. But. But the name of my podcast originally was the Was Millionth Podcast, because I was so ashamed of getting in so late.

[Tom Segura]

You shouldn't be ashamed. And here's the thing, is that like. And I would say this. And I think I have this view now is like, podcasts are fucking fun.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, my God. Yeah. It's preposterous that it can be a job.

[Tom Segura]

You should start a podcast. If you're interested in it, do it.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

It really tells you a lot about yourself.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, boy. Yeah. I mean, listening to yourself is very, very informative.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And the wild shit I say, I mean, I've said some horrific stuff on podcasts. Like, not even, like, bad stuff about people, bad stuff about life, advice, thoughts. I mean, I.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, you're on all the time, so whatever, you know, ups and downs you're going through in real life, they're going to be obvious in the show. I don't think you could. And this is what I love about the medium. And I don't know who you are idolizing, but for me, I remember Howard Stern basically saying, at some point, you can't do this job and not be full kimono open. That's just the nature of the job. You. You gotta give your whole life to it, or it just doesn't work. And I remember hear. Hearing that long before I wanted a show, and I just knew going into it, like, well, yeah, well, that's gotta. That's what it's gotta be.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

And then. Yeah. So if it's your entire life, then, yes, sometimes you're an asshole, and sometimes it lasts for three weeks. And sometimes you're scared and envious of people. And I have, you know. Yeah. I make our. I get an argument sometimes with Monica, and then two months later, I'm like. I'm not sure what my point was on that whole thing.

[Tom Segura]

No. I'll tell you my favorite episode of yours. I remember where I was listening to it. I was in my pool at my old house. It was when you relapsed.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh. Huh.

[Tom Segura]

It was like that. But that was the. That's podcasting. In my opinion, sharing these vulnerable secrets.

[Dax Shepard]

Is like, Secrets, man.

[Tom Segura]

It's secrets, and the secrets keep us sick. And I. That. I remember being like, God damn it. Like, I remember sitting there, I had my phone on the Corner on the edge of the pool. I'm just. I'm sitting in a pool, just listening. And it was like, oh, but you're. I mean, you. Honestly. And this is where that came from. You. You stepped into the game and started killing it day one. Like, you've been doing this the whole time.

[Dax Shepard]

But I'll credit. I'll credit my wife for that. Like, we have a cumulative. People are interested in us as a. As a. As a combined unit. More certainly more than me individually and even a little more than her individually, which is not. Maybe not anymore. But I think the fact that the very first episode was Krista and I, and you'd only seen this on Samsung commercials being adorable. And then that episode was terrible. Like, it was a disaster. She didn't want to be there. She wanted to be at Michael's getting yarn. We bickered the whole time. I listened back to it, and I'm like, oh, my God, I'm that controlling. I really had no clue. I kind of sounded like that. I'm like, this is embarrassing and humiliating. And I played it to her. I'm like, I don't think I can release this. And she's like, no, I actually think that's the antidote to the Samsung commercials. Like, if we're saying to people, don't hashtag relationship goals and think you're gonna meet your Dax or Kristin. It's gonna be easy. It's fucking a beatdown. And we've been in therapy, and so she's like, I think this thing is kind of like what we owe everyone as the other side of it. And then I think that I couldn't have expected that that had some appeal. Like, people were very interested in that. So I think I had this huge advantage from everyone else that I did get to immediately break through all the noise.

[Tom Segura]

That's like.

[Dax Shepard]

I don't know if I just would have started with Kimmel and Ash. I think my first three episodes were like, Kristen, Kimmel, and Ashton. God bless those two for doing my. Never have done.

[Tom Segura]

Never could have gotten those guys. And those are your first two.

[Dax Shepard]

I know it's not fair. I can acknowledge how I'm fair. Fuck fair.

[Tom Segura]

Fuck fair. That's not. That's not the thing is that. Is that you fucking you and you had great guests and you're fucking.

[Dax Shepard]

But again, I don't know if those two. If those two come out. I don't know what those are like. I don't know if that's maybe 80,000 people who listened or what. But I think because the Kristen episode was very viral and I think I had two sitting there right away and then they listened to those and they were like, oh, those are not. They're not bad either. Yeah, they don't have the same crazy fireworks going on as this other one. But I got very blessed by this union that has continued to give me way more than I deserve.

[Tom Segura]

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[Dax Shepard]

Well, I'll tell you, we had this joke going. Monica and Rob and I, there's only three of us.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Dax Shepard]

And we had this joke when we started because we are aware of Anna Faris Anna Faris podcast, and we had heard it made $5 million, and we thought that was hysterical. And we kept saying, like, well, when we make $5 million this year, we kept saying $5 million, and it was just a running joke. And then there came a point, like, nine months in, where I was like, guys, I think we're gonna make that. As insane as that is, that's gonna happen. And then we were in the very sweet spot of the huge influx of direct response ads.

[Tom Segura]

Right.

[Dax Shepard]

So then year two was even double year one, and then year three was like. @ that point, I was like, someone's gonna knock on the door and go, we made a huge mistake. You shouldn't make this much money to sit and chat with people. And, you know, constantly living with the fear someone's gonna knock and say, it's over. Do you have that? It's too good to be true.

[Tom Segura]

I'm curious. Well, I'm past that a little bit now.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. You've accepted it.

[Tom Segura]

I just want to just go, It's. The hammer will drop one day and I'll just. I'll be like, that. I got away.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

It's like heat. I feel like the guy going, just be able to drop it and walk away from everything.

[Dax Shepard]

I got my go bag.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I got my go bag. I'm going to go to an island and open a bar.

[Dax Shepard]

Do you have any. Do you have any valuables that you can travel with? Like, do you have any gold bullion or anything?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, no, no. I used to have.

[Dax Shepard]

You should get some.

[Tom Segura]

I would love some.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, you should, because you got. People should know, too is I've never pulled up to someone's house in Los Angeles and there was a bus in the front yard other than our own house. So I felt very bonded with you the second I showed up.

[Tom Segura]

Oh.

[Dax Shepard]

But you should pack that bus full of some gold bullion and some guns just in case the shit hits the fan. You gotta go south.

[Tom Segura]

The great thing about my kids being in the house is I can have my gun out all the time.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, that's. That's a really good idea. Highly advised, I think.

[Tom Segura]

Wait, wait. I Want to go back to the. To the podcast. But like, so, yes, I. I think. Do. Do you ever feel like. Because here's the thing about you, and I have to say the ones I. Okay, I did talk shit about you. Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

And then tell people what happened because this is really adorable. And then I found this part out and then I was like, I don't. I don't think I ever want them to know that I didn't do that because I want the credit of that, and that would have been really smart.

[Tom Segura]

I go, it's during the pandemic. I know it was during the pandemic because I was. We were getting PO Box stuff and you had to let it sit outside for a fucking week.

[Dax Shepard]

Lysol it.

[Tom Segura]

By the way, the fucking coolest thing you guys ever did is you didn't charge your tenants money. And then you. During the pandemic, as you remember. I follow you. I follow you.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, I have a listen because I really thought maybe you just, you know.

[Tom Segura]

Maybe didn't like, dude, I told you, I'm a fan. I'm like, I know about you. I know. I know that you're like a OG drug dude. You're not like a drinker who quit drinking. No, I know the time you dropped your bike on your leg.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, you do?

[Tom Segura]

Dude, I know a lot about you.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm a two day black.

[Tom Segura]

But I told you I'm a fan of you. First of all, my best friend growing up looks identical to you. Ryan Valerius. Okay, so when you showed up on.

[Dax Shepard]

Play, what version of me?

[Tom Segura]

Old Skinny you?

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, skinny.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, skinny you. Basketball playing you. Not the jacked front rows with 80 pound you. The. The. And so when you showed up on Punk'd, I was like, I was like, I kind of like, I recognize you because my. My buddy looked like you. So. And you were great. And I was like, fuck yeah. And then you started showing up in movies. I was like, nice. Because I don't know, that was like.

[Dax Shepard]

I was also at comedians, like, anytime a comedian's winning, I'm pumped. Yeah, it's good for. By the way, this is not going to end. We have that fucking rug.

[Tom Segura]

Are you serious?

[Dax Shepard]

We have that rug. This is. This is getting trippy, this dude.

[Tom Segura]

If I get sober, we could be friends. But no but so, like. So, like, I'm like a legit fan of yours and. But I always wondered, because you do run, you have to navigate circles I would never navigate. Like, I will never have to go to a party where, like, where I have to Change my speech. And what I love about you and this is for real. So you got in trouble a couple times. It's because that's who you are.

[Dax Shepard]

I get in trouble?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And I love it. I love it because every time you've ever gotten in trouble, I was like, I don't know what the problem is here.

[Dax Shepard]

Right, right. Well, we could go deep on that. I think you might relate to this. It's like there comes a point where the thing that brought you to the party isn't the thing that's gonna keep you at the party. And that's a very weird existential kind of battle mentally. It's like I got here cause I was obnoxious and over the top and was willing to, you know, dupont and get rid, you know, at risk of getting punched. And I didn't mind. And then I would be on red carpets acting like a fool like Chris. The first time Kristen met me, we were both at the teen Choice awards and I was in a full karate gi making a mockumentary about going into martial arts film. So I'm doing high kicks and all and I don't know karate. But at some point I had to go, you have the obnoxious version of you. We gotta kind of evolve into another version of you. But yeah, there's still a big side of me. That's the kid that was a punk rock kid who didn't like jocks. Feels like a misfit. All these stories I have in my head and I at some point gotta acknowledge like, no, no, you've been accepted. You're not a fucking outcast. You're a 6 foot 2 blonde white dude that's winning and you gotta kind of integrate that a little bit.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, but, but you, you do go into those parties where you talk to people who do use. I, I do it when I do. Like I have to bite my tongue a lot. Not bite my tongue, but just not say the thing I'm thinking.

[Dax Shepard]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

Like when I'm on set, do you.

[Dax Shepard]

Mean like politically or do you mean everything?

[Tom Segura]

I bite my tongue politically only because I don't, I don't think it's fair to alienate anyone about their beliefs.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, exactly. The thing I always say, like, people will be mad that we don't do politics on our show. And I'm like, I talk about trauma as a kid. I feel like I'm a dude who rides wheelies on shit but also is very emotional. Like, and if you're a 14 year old boy, I don't want because Your parents are Republican or you were born in this area that we know is going to decide what you are. Both sides. Like, I just had this great expert on last week that was like, we all think, we have thought through all these issues.

[Tom Segura]

Is this good about information?

[Dax Shepard]

This is about, like politics and identity. It's like, we all believe that we have thought through these issues and we've come to a well thought out conclusion. And he said, but isn't it interesting that I would be able to tell 90% based on where you're born, your ethnicity and your socioeconomic. I Could predict at 90% accuracy what your opinion is going to be after you thought it through really thoroughly. Isn't that a little suspicious?

[Tom Segura]

Wow.

[Dax Shepard]

And I have to acknowledge that, right. Like, I was born in a spot with a single mother and I am the product of those things. And to believe that I have rationalized everything better than everyone else in that is just a little arrogant. Like, no, you'd probably be able to tell before I was born that I was going to think this way. And same for you and everyone. You're St. Petersburg?

[Tom Segura]

Tampa.

[Dax Shepard]

Tampa, yeah. Were you born in St. Petersburg? I was born in St. Petersburg and then Tampa. Did you ever go to Sarasota?

[Tom Segura]

Of course.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. Did you ever go to the Columbia Restaurant? Of course. Okay. My uncle was the band there for my whole life.

[Tom Segura]

Uncle Sal.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. So I used my vacations were to Sarasota and then watch Uncle Sal play.

[Tom Segura]

For real?

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So that's your accent. It's a Michigan accent.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Right. I always tried to fucking place it.

[Dax Shepard]

It sounds a teeny bit southern sometimes and then a teeny bit nasally.

[Tom Segura]

You round. I've listened to so much of your podcast. You round out your consonants sometimes.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay. Like a little bit of laziness, maybe.

[Tom Segura]

Like two mix, I would say. Didn't.

[Dax Shepard]

Didn't.

[Tom Segura]

You go didn't.

[Dax Shepard]

And what do you do? Didn't you really pronounce my tea?

[Tom Segura]

Listen. And by the way, I pop my teeth. I'm legit a fucking fan. Like, and I know that I'm incredibly flattered by that.

[Dax Shepard]

I didn't even know. Here's what happens. I. In my comments, which I read all the comments. I will not pretend I don't read.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. Let me ask you. I can ask you a therapy question.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I thought this last night.

[Dax Shepard]

Let's take a breath.

[Tom Segura]

I was in the hot tub last night having a cocktail and I do fake interviews to nobody. Like, I'm talking to you.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, yeah, same.

[Tom Segura]

And you seem like, you seem like you got it figured out. Not perfect, but you got it better than me. Okay, how come Joy, you kill it on set, you have a great scene and you get done, everyone's patting you on the back. You get in your car, you drive home. How come Joy doesn't have the same impact that anxiety and OCD and depression have? Why can't the high of joy reach at least, like the anxiety and the reading a negative comment so fucking low, but a positive comment just goes, oh, cool, thanks.

[Dax Shepard]

I have a scientific answer for you. I've had enough experts on that. Answered this for me. So if you come across a. Let's go back 300,000 years, where you're early humans and you come across a peach and you bite into it and it's delicious, you're going to get serotonin, you're going to get some dopamine, you're going to get these good chemicals. Now if you eat a berry that's poisonous, you're going to get cortisol and you're going to get. You're going to get all these other chemicals. Well, we know that the negative chemicals are like 10x as strong as the positive ones because it's much more important you remember what's poisonous than what's delicious. So our brain is set up to be much more impacted by negative things. So, yes, even if you're Tom Hanks and 90% of the stuff you read about yourself is positive, that 10% will outweigh the 90%. It can't compete. And you have to enter it knowing, like, well, I'm entering into a battle that I will lose chemically no matter how much I think my way through it. But the reason I do it is because, and this is so corny, and I wouldn't believe anyone else who said it, but the Armchairs are the most radical people I've ever met. Like, the people who listen to our show are by far the nicest people I've ever met in my life. I've got Idiocracy fans, I have punk fans. Like, I kind of know Parenthood fans are really nice. But Armchairs are so special. And when they take time to write something about how the episode made them feel, I want to minimally say, I saw it and heard it. And then if it's really kind of revealing, I want to take a second to respond. So it's like, I do have an obligation to let them know I'm participating and I see what they're saying. And I have limited my. I changed My Instagram. So only followers can comment now. For years I was in the cesspool of, like, everybody. And that was. I. It was terrible. But now that. So I'm paying some price and what engagement. All these other metrics you're supposed to care about. But now pretty much most of the I read is nice. And so it's not. It's not bad. And I. And I will do it because I really want those folks to know. I saw what they said.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Dax Shepard]

You don't read any of yours?

[Tom Segura]

I can't. So I can't allow. I've said this before, and I. And this is how I feel. I can't allow someone to have control of my day.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, of course.

[Tom Segura]

So I have, like.

[Dax Shepard]

And if it's going to control your day, then that's the totally right decision.

[Tom Segura]

I have. I have. I don't even know what it is. I don't even really know what the fuck's wrong with me. But I got the thing where you get a repetitive bad thought and you can't just get it. It's.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, you're ruminating.

[Tom Segura]

I think some people call it ocd. I know I have probably versions of whatever OCD is. I don't even. I don't know. I'm not going to therapy.

[Dax Shepard]

Did you have ticks as a kid?

[Tom Segura]

No. Oh, no. Oh, hold on.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, maybe this is one of my favorite conversations.

[Tom Segura]

I. I have a work face. I have a work face. Okay, shut up.

[Dax Shepard]

Does that involve a lot of blinking?

[Tom Segura]

No, I just got like, like, like this. My dad would be like, hey, what the. Wrong. What are you doing with your face? I be like, huh? What are you talking about? They got me like Stevie Wonder glasses when I was a kid to hide this. Yeah. Cuz I was like, okay, yeah, that's good. Oh, and I got like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm Jeff.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, great. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Yeah. Yeah.

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[Dax Shepard]

I had so many.

[Tom Segura]

For real.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh my God. I had so many fucking ticks. And I will say my. I was with a girl for nine years, Bree, who I'm still really good friends with, wonderful human being. And I think the foundation of our early relationship was learning we both had a ton of tics and we would just lay in bed and compare the different tics we had. And I don't know why, but I found that the most endearing thing that this beautiful woman had gone through the same. Sedaris calls it the plague of tics.

[Tom Segura]

And she the greatest.

[Dax Shepard]

Did you read that? Yes. I think it's the first short story in Naked and I read that. I was like, oh my God, he knows what it's like.

[Tom Segura]

It is the greatest.

[Dax Shepard]

It is.

[Tom Segura]

I graduate college. I moved to New York. I've never read a book before.

[Dax Shepard]

I read the Firm, but no Bukowski or anything naughty stuff?

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Dax Shepard]

Bukowski's all about drinking. Shitting. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I saw, I watched Barfly and I.

[Dax Shepard]

Was like, eh, Okay.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know. I have a. I get depressed when people drink like that. Like I, I can't.

[Dax Shepard]

Like you're you. You're from the outside looking at your. Which I study as well. I'm like, wow. I think this guy has the exact version I would want if I could have it. I don't desire to drink two drinks. A lot of addicts are like, I wish I could drink two drinks. I don't want to do that. I'd like to drink six.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, six.

[Dax Shepard]

Would like. If I could stay at six. Still get a little wild, but not then go for two days. And I. I feel like that's what you have.

[Tom Segura]

I had. I was thinking about you going to bed last night. I was. I was listening to your Sam Shepard interview. Is that the guy's name? Sam something? And the. It's. It's black and white. And you talked about. This is when I was like, I always thought you were a beer drinker and you drank a lot, but I didn't know you were, like, really fucking partied. And you talked about your many lows, your many bottoms.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, right.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And right before you did Zathora, you were in Kauai. Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Which, weirdly, I was there last weekend for 36 hours, and I hadn't been back for 20 years.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. And I was there with Kristen, and I was like, oh, yeah, that's the guardrail me and the dude smashed into on the way to buy ice. Oh, there's the hotel I went jogging at with the roosters on day three of being away. Like, it was all right there. And I thought, oh, my God, what a different fucking life I have today.

[Tom Segura]

It's. But it's crazy. I don't think. I mean, I don't think enough people know. Maybe they do. But no, just how deep you were into, like, into partying.

[Dax Shepard]

Going hard.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah. Going hard. Like.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And last night. I'm listening. Smoking crack. Yeah. Doing meth. I mean, like, really getting after it. Pills. When you said I'd get a prescription of 30 pills and go through them, I was like, huh.

[Dax Shepard]

Like, I. Oh, Bert, that. You saw Punk. There was an episode of Punk where I'm in a sling because I had just gotten shoulder surgery. And it's like some episode where we're breaking. I get a locksmith to let us into a place, and then I rob it. But, yeah, on that episode, I had shown up at work with 30 Vicodin. And before we wrapped, I was like, oh, my. Because before every setup, I would take a few more. And.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, I. I had a prescription of. I still have them. Of 30 Xanax. I just don't touch them. I Get. But last night, I was going to bed. Listen to this interview. I had two drinks in the hot tub. I wrapped something yesterday. So, Leanne, I had a bottle of champagne, had two drinks, Porosas and sodas and these in the hot tub. And I went into my bedroom. Listen to the interview. And I start killing water. I'm really obsessed with my sleep score. And I was like, oh, I bet you told a crazy story about waking up, like, three days later in your hotel in your bed, going, everything in the kitchen was gone. And I was like, oh, I bet he couldn't do that. And I was like, that. That. Any. If you're dealing with that, you definitely should get drugs now. Call out of your life.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, like, not being dramatic, but I just. I would have died. Like, my last week, there was again, I'm with, like, a local dude. We get in a crazy car accident. There's police. I'm snorting ice, which is a terrible idea because it's very chunky. And, yeah, it was just every. Because I would get sober for three months to work, and then I would go out in between movies, and just every one of those was getting progressively more dangerous. But the one you're referencing is the. Probably the most I ever scared myself, where I had, like, as you say, I. I'd gone out on a Thursday night, and I had just seen the drug dealer. So I had all these pills, and then I got two apples, and then I got a couple fists, blah, blah, blah. And then I woke up, and I just didn't know what day it was. And it was Monday. And, yeah, everything was gone. And I just went, you. You can't take that much stuff without dying in your sleep. That was one of the. You know, once in a blue moon, I would have to call my mom just bawling at, like, 28 years old, and go.

[Tom Segura]

And you got everything. And you got everything you ever wanted.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, that's the. That's a huge gift, to be honest. And I. Maybe you've already heard me say that, but. But the gift was I got everything I wanted. I. I was. I was about to start zither. I was going to make a ton of money. People recognized me in Hawaii. I wanted that. And so I had every. I wanted that.

[Tom Segura]

Can you talk to me about that for a second? Because I talk about that, and I think sometimes in our industry, at least in my industry with my friends, they find the need to be recognized or they'll want to be recognized rather as gross. And I don't. I wanted that Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

I think two things are true. Like, you can want that and then come to realize you don't want that. Right. And, yeah, it seems to be uncouth to say I wanted to be, but you take it out of, like, fame and just think, like, everyone wants to be seen. You want to know you existed, and you were here, and other people saw you and they looked at you and they heard you. Like, I think that's a very human desire. And then. And then I have a bigger dose of that. Like, let's say maybe I'm, you know, a middle child. My brother got a lot of attention. My little sister got a lot of attention. Um, I was a fucking dumbass all through elementary with dyslexia. I was the dumb kid going to learning this disability room for a couple hours a day. So it was like, if I could get attention that was positive, I just. I fucking loved it. And being funny was like, once I figured that out, that I can get attention, being funny, I was like, okay, I got the keys. Now I understand how this all works.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

I don't got to be smart. I don't got to be this. I don't be hot. If I can make people laugh. And we're good. And particularly scary adults or scary dudes older than me, if I could be making them laugh, I'm like, oh, I'm safe. This is like a. This is somehow a magic power to not get your ass kicked.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

In the right situation. But, yeah. So I wanted definitely. I loved being famous. At the beginning. It was.

[Tom Segura]

So you were famous when it was cool.

[Dax Shepard]

It was fun. It was very, very fun. Um, I remember what was wild is Bre, the same gal, she had gone away to learn Spanish in Doesn't matter, but next to Belize, Guatemala. So she was gone while Punk started airing. And you wouldn't remember, but Punk came out, and it was huge. And then they replayed it, like, four times throughout the week, and by the end of the week, it had, like, 2x the WWE numbers. So I went from total anonymity to, like, kind of famous in a week.

[Tom Segura]

You. You were the standout. You were the standout star on Punk by far.

[Dax Shepard]

So my. My girlfriend returns home from Guatemala, and we're riding bikes on the Strand in Santa Monica, and, like, people are yelling my name. And Bree's like, what happened while I was gone? I'm like, I know. Isn't this fucking crazy? So, yeah, I loved it. But anyways, back to the. You know, the last week of drinking, it was. I had all the things That I was certain were going to make me happy and even deeper, make me like myself and have self esteem and I was the furthest from it. And so the gift of that is like, oh, it's not those things. Something much bigger is broken and we're not. There's not going to be any fucking trophy that's going to get you out of this. Wow, you're not going to date a hot enough girl that you're going to look in the mirror and go like, yeah, I'm good.

[Tom Segura]

That's wild.

[Dax Shepard]

So that's a. And I know if I were me and I still had this list of things I needed to complete me, I wouldn't believe me. I. Good for you. But yes, I would be certain money and being recognized would cure all ills.

[Tom Segura]

It's crazy. You like when you wake up now, like, I'm curious, what's your sober life look like now? I feel like you're a dude with, with your hands in something from the second you wake up till the second you go to sleep.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, I've now become my addict. I'm still a fucking addict. Across the board, Christian would tell you like, oh, I. There was a period where it's like I wanted to get off nicotine mint. So then I was like, I'll do these toothpicks with tea tree. And then I was like, I gotta find stronger ones. I found these ones from Australia. I was shipping in these crazy things. I had fucking Kristen was like, babe, you've got fucking scabs in the corner of your mouth. And I'd just be eating these toothpicks. And I was like, okay, I gotta get over the toothpicks. And then I thought, oh, halls might work. Then I was eating a family size bag of halls a day. Just all day Halls giving me tons of gas. The binding agent was fucking up my stomach and I had like three months on halls addiction. So I have learned. Yeah, I gotta have. I'm like, I'm such a creature of habit. So it's like, yeah, I wake up, I meditate, I make my coffee, I come back, I meditate. Then I journal. Then I'm allowed to have my coffee and my nicotine. Then I take a shit and I get on YouTube and I read all the comments and then I go work out and then I come out of there and I go do the addict. And then I record and then yeah. And so everything I just need to be. Oh, and then sauna is a religion. So at night it's sauna and then it's the cold plunge and then it's the hot tub. And I need all those things in my day or my mind will start wandering to like, maybe I need to get a bag of halls or maybe I need crazy toothpicks from Australia. Like, I need something to do that's interesting that you.

[Tom Segura]

You journal, that you meditate. I wanna. I just. So every year on my birthday, I do my goals. I write like whatever age I am.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I write those out in goals. This year's goals. I know I used. They all used to be professional goals. And this year they're all internal. They're all internal.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. And When's your birthday?

[Tom Segura]

November 3rd.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, so we just had it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

So what happens on New Year's? Do you make a second? No. So we don't need New Year's resolutions because you have the birthday.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. On my 26th birthday. In short, people have heard this, but my dad called me and just told me I was a piece of. It's funny, I just posted this thing about Winston Churchill's dad doing the same thing to him. And they said Winston Churchill must have always, no matter what he accomplished, always thought of that one letter his dad sent him.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Are you watching the Ted Turner documentary? It's the greatest doc is.

[Tom Segura]

What is it?

[Dax Shepard]

It's on Max. It's multi part. And Bert, his father, he has the letter his father wrote him when he was in college. Basically just saying, you're a fucking piece of shit and I'm not paying for this and you're a loser.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, rough, dude. It was my birthday. My dad called me. It was my 26th birthday. I moved to New York to start stand, to do stand up. But I wasn't doing anything. I was just partying.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And that was like 8 in the morning. I was like a fun city.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, it's easy to get distracted.

[Tom Segura]

I live right above. Right above the McDougall Ale House.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, baby.

[Tom Segura]

And I called my. My dad called. I thought I'd just answer and go. He was gonna say, happy Birthday. I'll go back to sleep. I was hungover.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I was like, hello? And he goes, you are a tremendous piece of shit and just a tremendous piece of shit. And I go, I said, it's my birthday. He goes, I know what fucking day it is.

[Dax Shepard]

What was his laundry list of things he had.

[Tom Segura]

He had been in court that day and the judge asked him how his son was doing. I was written up in Rolling Stone magazine.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So like the main machine. No, no, no.

[Dax Shepard]

America's Top party at America's top party school.

[Tom Segura]

So the judge was like, how's your son doing in New York? Doing standup? My dad goes, great. And he perjured himself, and he was with him. So he got in the car and was like, I just perjured myself in court. I've never perjured myself. I lied. He asked, how you doing? I should have said, he's a fucking loser. He's a party boy in New York who's got no humility. And he just broke me off. And I remember going, like, well. And you gave me all these life lessons of how to. It's the reason I am today where I am today. That one conversation. I think everyone needs it. I think everyone. Problem is, I've given my daughters, like, 10 of them. I keep doing it.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, yeah. No, you gotta really be sparing.

[Tom Segura]

It's gonna be one. I've given them, like, a hundred of them. They're like, Tatum fucking five.

[Dax Shepard]

It's. It's the 1:00pm inventory of your whole life. Let's go through that.

[Tom Segura]

You know what I said when they were little girls? You want to talk about bad parenting? I said, no, you don't get to cry. Use your words. You think Condoleezza Rice cries? They were like, five and seven. Oh, you.

[Dax Shepard]

You enlisted Condoleezza Rice?

[Tom Segura]

But anyway, I put my. I wrote my. That night, I took myself to dinner. I wrote all my goals, 26 goals for that year. And I've done it every year since. And one of the goals this year was to learn how to meditate.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay.

[Tom Segura]

I want to learn how to meditate.

[Dax Shepard]

I can give you a person that can teach you.

[Tom Segura]

That's what.

[Dax Shepard]

Transcendental. I just did transcendental because Stern did. You know, I idolize certain people. It's like, whatever they do.

[Tom Segura]

So who do you idolize? Give me your idols.

[Dax Shepard]

Stern. But definitely before him, Letterman, for me, was like, everything. Like, as a young boy, I was like, oh, okay, that's what I feel like my weird sense of humor is. And then Conan probably, of course, too. He was being even weirder afterwards. But Bill Murray.

[Tom Segura]

God, yes.

[Dax Shepard]

Bill Murray, Letterman and Stern are probably my trifecta.

[Tom Segura]

What about in sports?

[Dax Shepard]

Well, I'm from Detroit, and of course, the pistons won in 88 and 89, I think, so Isaiah Thomas was probably. And then I had the Red Wing, so Probert, who was like, a tough guy. I wanted to be like him. I never was into football, but I didn't have a ton of sports idols. I. More was. I was a skateboarder. A snowboarder, all the punk rock things.

[Tom Segura]

Do you still snowboard?

[Dax Shepard]

I just switched to skiing last year because I'm like, I think it's time.

[Tom Segura]

Why?

[Dax Shepard]

Because I don't want to snap a femur.

[Tom Segura]

You're not going to stop a femur Snowboarding. Fucking skiing. So much more dangerous than snowboarding.

[Dax Shepard]

I don't know, bro. Was the last time you skied? You can go pretty slow in a straight line.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, no, I haven't skied in forever. I haven't skied forever.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, I hadn't skied since I was 12 when I switched to snowboarding.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

But my best friend learned to ski last year. I was like, oh, this is perfect, because I haven't skied in 20, 38 years. And he's learning, so this will be perfect. So I've switched to skiing.

[Tom Segura]

Are you friend. Are you still friends that you grew up with?

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, yeah. My soulmate in life is Aaron Weekly. We met when we were 11 in sixth grade. And, yeah, he's like, is he the.

[Tom Segura]

Guy that does the Ted or the Ted Seeger beers?

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Yeah. And I had a show with him that's one of the funniest things we've done, which was. It was 10 episodes and it was called Race to 270. And I have a friend who owns a CrossFit gym, Charlie, who's an Adonis. And he was 221 when we started, and Aaron was 319. And I said, I'll pay whoever gets to 271st 10 grand. And so every week we did a check in and who was losing weight. And Aaron was getting like. Charlie was definitely getting to 270 before Aaron could. And then Aaron was blessed with COVID And this was 2020, so it was the real Covid, where he couldn't eat for. And he just started dropping the pounds. And they. On the same episode, they both crossed. Aaron went down to like 268 and Charlie went up to 271 on this. So I ended up paying to pay both of them.

[Tom Segura]

So wait. Okay, hold on.

[Dax Shepard]

But he is the funniest. He got on there during that, and he told the story, by the way. He got sober four years ago, so we were best, best friends then I got sober 20 years ago, and we remain best friends, but we had radically different lives. He was still on the full course, like, party, party. Oh, coke all day and at least two fifths a day. Bad, bad, bad. Exactly where I was heading.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

And. And he had a. He had this, you know, I couldn't get a hold of him for four days, basically. And I had never said in 16 years, I think you should get sober. And he finally called me and he calls me dad and he's like, sorry, Dad, I had, I had a bad, I had a bad flu. And I go, who the fuck do you think you're talking to? I know exactly what's been going on. He's like, yeah. And I go, look, I've never said this to you, but you're going to be dead really soon. If you, if you're willing, there's a great treatment center in fucking Antigua. Do you want to go down to an island, go swimming and get sober? And he's like, yeah, I do want to do that. And I, I would have given it like a 3% chance he was going to say yes. And he did. And then he got sober. Now we're fully back in business. So now we hang out non stop. He's constantly coming here, I'm going there. So now we're back in. And so, okay, so he's newly sober and he's doing a zoom meeting, an AA meeting every morning. He's like a really good boy. Gets out of treatment. He's going to the zoom meeting every morning and he's got his zoom up and the meeting's starting and he has his camera off and he believes he's muted. And he's also a mess, just like me. So the first five minutes he's just clearing his throat and trying to, like, clean it. He's like, you know, he's coughing, like really going, trying to get something out. And as he's doing that, he's like, oh, my God, I have diarrhea. I'm going to shit my pants. And then he goes and runs into the toilet and he sits down and he's like, I have fucking explosive loud diarrhea to the point where I go, oh, God. He said oh, God.

[Tom Segura]

Out loud.

[Dax Shepard]

And then his dog, which he had just bought, is running in and trying to put his nose between his legs to see what just happened to him. And now he's going, get the fuck out of here. And he's coughing and he's fucking diarrhea. And now in the midst of all that, he realizes, I haven't heard them talk on this AA meeting for a while. And he looks and he realizes he's not muted. So the whole cacophony of coughing and sneezing and diarrhea, get the fuck out of here. Screaming at the dog. Everything was out loud on this meeting. And just. People were laughing. Just hung up the meeting and didn't go back. But anyways, he told that story on there, and that's. That's textbook. Aaron Weekly.

[Tom Segura]

God.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. He has. He will. He will tell you any story that happened.

[Tom Segura]

Does he work out with you in the mornings?

[Dax Shepard]

Reluctantly. His thing now is pickleball. He does that like, six days a week. And now he's on Maguro, so now he's down to, like, 225. He's. He's like. He's. He's. He has lost 15 years of aging in the last four years. It's. I wish we had been making a doc about him. It's like, the biggest turnaround I've ever seen.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And what does he do for a living?

[Dax Shepard]

He's a story consultant on the show.

[Tom Segura]

Oh.

[Dax Shepard]

And he has a really beautiful house in Michigan.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

The.

[Dax Shepard]

That's in my name.

[Tom Segura]

That's crazy. Have you ever made friends with a celebrity and it stuck?

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Lots of them.

[Tom Segura]

Like, who?

[Dax Shepard]

But I'm gonna go back because you were saying, like, that I'm at parties and stuff, and I would guess people think Kristen and I are very engaged in the Hollywood scene.

[Tom Segura]

No. Okay, here's my.

[Dax Shepard]

But we're not. We're not. We don't ever leave our house. No.

[Tom Segura]

We are parents.

[Dax Shepard]

Exactly. We're like homebodies. We're fucking in love with our two daughters. Everything we do is with them. And we have friends that we've made over the years in movies. And there's like, maybe, you know, we go to this really incredible. Kimmel invites us to his fishing lodge once years. That's a big celebrity. Heavy one. But we have that. And then, like, Chris will have to go to something. But in general, our friends that we hang with aren't famous.

[Tom Segura]

For real.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. We had.

[Dax Shepard]

But, like, kutcher. I did punk however many years ago. 20.

[Tom Segura]

I don't think I. So. So I look at, like. Like, I don't see Joe as a famous guy.

[Dax Shepard]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

I know he is, but I don't. Like, I was. I mean. Yeah. Yeah. I was having a great conversation with him yesterday on Text, and we were laughing. Someone's like, who you texting? I was like, I was texting my buddy, and then I realized, well, if I told him who I was texting, they'd be like, shut the fuck up.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, right. But talk about the king of all media.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Remember Stern used to say that. I think I'm so blown away with.

[Tom Segura]

Have you met Joe, he's.

[Dax Shepard]

I haven't. He doesn't dislike me, which I like. But also, I've tried to be on the show and I haven't been able to be on the show, but who cares?

[Tom Segura]

No, no. I was Joe, first of all, his list of.

[Dax Shepard]

I admire him and respect him. We have different opinions, but, dude, what he's built is so fucking impressive. Yeah. He loves cars and fighting.

[Tom Segura]

He likes all the shit you like.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, exactly.

[Tom Segura]

Literally. I was. I did a pre interview yesterday. Like, of all the things I want to talk to you about.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I'm obsessed with motorcycles. I don't have one. I'm obsessed with motorcycles.

[Dax Shepard]

Have you ridden them ever?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, of course. Wrote it. Wrote a motorcycle from Montana to Sturgis.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, you did?

[Tom Segura]

Through the national forest in Black Hills in Alabama. Beautiful.

[Dax Shepard]

On what kind of Harley?

[Tom Segura]

Indian Chief.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

And then rode. Rode a Harley. What is it? 883 Iron Horse, to the top of the Mount Volcano in Hawaii. Oh, really? It's one of the coolest ways to take in scenery. Oh, God. Yeah. I've said this. This is the one. This is the day I fell in love with motorcycle. We go hunting buffalo with the Crow Nation in Montana, I think. And then we get dropped off in a helicopter up top of a mountain.

[Dax Shepard]

With guns or bones?

[Tom Segura]

Guns. Guns. And we get dropped off on top of a mountain, and then we have to take our motorcycles back down to the city down at the bottom of the mountain. And as I go, I'm dipping in between shadows because the sun's setting, so it's getting dark and getting cold. And then you're hitting the sun and you're feeling it and you're coming out. And as I pop up and the sun hits me and a pack of wild horses is running next to me with me as I'm listening to Wilco. Dun dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.

[Dax Shepard]

And I went transcend.

[Tom Segura]

This is fucking insane. Yeah, but I'm. I'm buying a chopper. I'm talking to this lady about buying a chopper. My wife doesn't know. She'd be. Fucking lose her mind.

[Dax Shepard]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

She does not like motorcycles.

[Dax Shepard]

I assume she doesn't listen to your show like my wife. I could say anything on my show. My wife will never find out.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, my wife's. My wife could give two. It's so funny. You are my wife and I am your wife.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, really?

[Tom Segura]

100%. Except we have very similar relationships that we have painted ourselves into a corner where. Where regardless of our wants or needs, we can never Cheat on our wives because we will lose everything.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm blessed by the fact that I. I. Whoever would be willing to me would only be willing to me because they would want to tell their friends about it. So I'm kind of inoculated by, like, I couldn't. My joke is, like, I could cheat if I found a gal that was blind, deaf, and lost her tongue so she couldn't tell anyone, didn't know who she was with. So until I find that bombshell who's completely mute, I think it's off the table.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. No, I've had. I've had chicks try to have sex with me, like, And. And I just look at them like, what the fuck?

[Dax Shepard]

What's wrong with you?

[Tom Segura]

What the fuck's wrong with you? Do you realize what a loser you look like right now? You're trying to me. You're out of your goddamn mind.

[Dax Shepard]

Respect yourself more. Respect yourself. No, you're a good person. You end up convincing them, no, you're better than this. But our.

[Tom Segura]

But our relationships are similar in that I am known for my relationship with my wife. I've talked about it on stage so much.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, that.

[Tom Segura]

And.

[Dax Shepard]

Are you opposites?

[Tom Segura]

Leanne's. You okay? Like. Like, we were. You did an interview one time. You were. I don't forget what it was. You were, like, talking about the Apocalypse and what you'd be useful for. And you're like, I could build a pneumatic drill or something. And I was like, that's my wife. I'd be like, Kristen in the corner. She'd be singing, and I'd be telling jokes.

[Dax Shepard]

Wonderful.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, you're needed.

[Tom Segura]

That.

[Dax Shepard]

That role's needed in the Apocalypse.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Keep it light.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah. I'd be needed for target practice.

[Dax Shepard]

But aren't you delighted to have gotten with an opposite?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Yeah, Right?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

I think the. I can't. One of my many, many character defects is I cannot receive instruction. I feel I just can't do it. I would be great at a bunch of things if I could just receive instruction.

[Tom Segura]

That's me.

[Dax Shepard]

You're like that, too.

[Tom Segura]

I love being coached.

[Dax Shepard]

You love it.

[Tom Segura]

I love being coached.

[Dax Shepard]

I know. I'm so envious of people who are like that. I can't do it. So I don't want to be told what to do. But if I'm watching someone move through the world and seeing the results, I will start imitating them. So I've been watching my wife move through the world for 17 years, and I'm like, yeah, that works. Like, she gave away. She would give away all this money. I can't believe she's fucking giving away all this money. And I was like, I can't believe she's also making all this money. Where's all this money come from she's making, yet she's giving so much away? I'm like, well, that's interesting. Every time she gives some away, some magically she makes even more than she gave away. And I'm like, just watching that for a decade, going, huh, there's something to this. Or a million things. I can give you a great. This happened down in. In Nashville last year. We go to my favorite steakhouse there, Sperry's. They have a salad bar, and I love a salad bar. And we go with our two friends that live there, Huey and Hayes. And I go up to the sale bar to make my salad, and when I come back, my buddy Huey goes, well, this guy next to us here, he's all fucked up over the fact that you're in a T shirt. He was already yelling at the manager, how the fuck they letting this guy in here? What's this restaurant become? And I guess this guy was just having at me because I was in a T shirt. And he goes, I didn't know what to do. Like, well, I don't know what yalls policy is. Tell this guy to fuck off or I don't want to fuck with your image. And, like, now I'm planning on how I'm gonna interact with this guy, and I'm gonna battle this guy. And Kristen just goes, buy his dinner. And I go, oh, that's dark. Yeah. So our server came over, and I go, hey, these are good friends of ours. Would you mind if I bought their dinner? So I get my credit card, I give the guy a great tip, and then I watch them come over. And the dude asks for the thing, and he's like. And then he has to look over at me, and I go, I'm so sorry I offended you with my T shirt. I'll dress better next time. And now his wife has also turned around. And now the wife knows who Kristen is. So now I'm like, oh, this is heaven. This dude's in so much fucking trouble. The whole way home. The wife is going to start. The wife's going to do to him what I could have never done verbally or physically to this guy. It's going to go into Christmas. The kids are going to find out about this. And this guy got up and he wanted the Exit was right here. Our table's here. He walked around the back of the bar and exited out the side of the restaurant. He was so upset that I bought his dinner. And I'm like, girl, that's some Jedi shit.

[Tom Segura]

There should be an app. What would Kristen Bell do?

[Dax Shepard]

Not truly. Truly. She will fuck you up with kindness and generosity. You will hate yourself over it. If I would have fought with the guy, he would have been totally confirmed that I was a piece of shit. I would have continued to think he was a snob.

[Tom Segura]

That's the most gangster thing that ever fucking hurt. How do you fucking. How do you. How do you maintain a relationship with someone that thinks like that?

[Dax Shepard]

It's challenging because that.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, that's like.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, think how often she's just watching me make decisions and going, this is. What a waste of time. You can get anything you want out of this. It's got to be laborious being with me.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, it's. It's. I think it's tedious being with me.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I. I can't imagine.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. I'm pretty grateful I'm not married to me.

[Tom Segura]

I do.

[Dax Shepard]

It's a real blessing. I didn't.

[Tom Segura]

I wouldn't even suck my dick. Like, I. Like, I can't imagine sucking my dick.

[Dax Shepard]

Like, I. Oh, you tried, though.

[Tom Segura]

I take the phone sometimes.

[Dax Shepard]

Did you try? Yeah, me too.

[Tom Segura]

Of course.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. You got to. You got to give it a shot.

[Tom Segura]

I have a buddy.

[Dax Shepard]

You don't even. Really quick. I tried many, many times. And you never go to the second step of, like. Well, if you are. If you can achieve this goal, you're gonna feel a dick in your mouth way more than you're gonna feel a mouth on your dick. You don't even think it through.

[Tom Segura]

I have a buddy who sucked his own dick once we got there.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, good for him.

[Tom Segura]

I asked him what it was like. He goes, it felt more like sucking a dick than getting your dick sucked. Oh, wow. That's.

[Dax Shepard]

He had to say, oh, good. My hunch was accurate.

[Tom Segura]

It's one of those things, like, I'm glad I never got. It's like, my dogs always chase squirrels.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And then they got one one time, and it wasn't what they thought it was gonna be. They broke it in half, and they were like, blood everywhere. And they're like, oh, I thought this was. Be more fun.

[Dax Shepard]

Right?

[Tom Segura]

It seems so fun to chase them.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Aaron and I have talked about that on air a few times. Like, we would. I would randomly, as a kid, get an idea of Like, I would just think like, oh, I'm gonna. I'm gonna put my finger in my ass when I jack off in the shower. And that's gonna feel so good. I would be so excited to get in the shower. And then I'd fucking get my finger. And I was like, this is super uncomfortable. Yeah, not enjoyable at all. I don't like this. And then eight months would go by and I would reconvince myself.

[Tom Segura]

I'm going, I'm going to fucking put.

[Dax Shepard]

My finger in my ass. It's going to be so awesome. And then I would do it. I'm like, yeah, this is terrible. Still, I guess I'm a romantic. I keep buying in that it might be nice.

[Tom Segura]

I've definitely put my finger in my eyes.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, you got to.

[Tom Segura]

Of course. I wonder.

[Dax Shepard]

I'll do any. I'll try any fucking thing.

[Tom Segura]

It's my body. Yeah, exactly. Why the fuck wouldn't I try all of it?

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, clearly. I tried every. Anything I think might be good. I'm going to give it a shot.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I hope I like it. The only thing I haven't tried, which I'm kind of on the fence about is auto erotic asphyxiation.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, that's crossed my mind. How could it not?

[Tom Segura]

I know.

[Dax Shepard]

Is it 3x the orgasm? If you think you're dying while it's happening? It's intriguing, but we've lost enough of heroes.

[Tom Segura]

I'm going to tell you what I've done. And I. And I. And I don't advise this.

[Dax Shepard]

You don't advise this?

[Tom Segura]

I'm being serious. Do not do what I've done.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You ever huff Glade?

[Dax Shepard]

Glade? No. Is that nice?

[Tom Segura]

It's. It makes. It makes fucking whippets feel like kindergarten.

[Dax Shepard]

No kidding. We used to do dust off. I wonder if.

[Tom Segura]

Same, I think same. Same aerosol. You wrap a towel. I'm not going to tell you how to do it, but I would huff Glade and jack off.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, wow. I wonder if that's like poppers. Is that then like poppers? Because I'm intrigued by poppers.

[Tom Segura]

I wouldn't mind.

[Dax Shepard]

Is that amyl nitrate?

[Tom Segura]

No, I don't think it is. But I wouldn't. I've never. I ran into a chick that I knew that was Christian and she was like, from Minnesota. And she goes, you party? Ever done poppers? And I was like, no. She's like, does stuff for anal sex. You ever done them? I said, no. She goes, I'm doing them all the time. Not even for Anal. And then she got divorced right after that.

[Dax Shepard]

Wow. So she. Okay. So she was going hard on the poppers again. I never.

[Tom Segura]

You can't do poppers.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, I likely can't do poppers.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Unless. Okay. So I worked out. Do you know Lane Norton?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I do.

[Dax Shepard]

He's the greatest.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Follow him at Biolane on Instagram. He's the best. But he takes something as all these power lifters.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, it's the smelling salts.

[Dax Shepard]

Smelling salts, yeah. But that's not Amel. Is there anyone that can research?

[Tom Segura]

No, no, no, it's definitely not. I broke smelling salts under my nose one time.

[Dax Shepard]

What's that? Like it.

[Tom Segura]

It. It's. It's ammonia. I think it just makes you. You just wake up. You're like.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And then you can bench. How much do you bench?

[Dax Shepard]

I don't try to. I haven't set a personal record.

[Tom Segura]

300. Anyway.

[Dax Shepard]

Wow.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, whatever. It's not a big deal.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm not shocked.

[Tom Segura]

No, I.

[Dax Shepard]

Very girthy.

[Tom Segura]

I'm on Testosterone.

[Dax Shepard]

Me too.

[Tom Segura]

Are you really?

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, of course.

[Tom Segura]

For real?

[Dax Shepard]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

No way.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes. By the way, I started Testosterone three months before I started the podcast. This is where we started. Chips came out, didn't perform. I was so fucking depressed. I was going to retire. I'm like, I'm going to retire. I've been doing this long enough. I'm done. I go on testosterone two weeks before Christmas, 2016, 2017. I launched the podcast in February. I sign on to do the ranch as a full time, then I sign on to do a pilot for Christmas, and then I sign on to do Top Gear. So I commit to three TV shows and I start the podcast within three months of starting Testosterone. So I'm like, fuck the physical part. I mean, I love the physical part, but for me, the mental part, I was like. I was hungry again. Yeah. It was revolutionary for me.

[Tom Segura]

I loved it. Wait, what?

[Dax Shepard]

How long have you been on it?

[Tom Segura]

I think, like, two years.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, just two years?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

My testosterone's perfect. My blood works perfect.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, same. It's.

[Tom Segura]

The crazy part is like, even partying because it's reparative to your liver and it. Even partying. My blood works better than it's ever been, and I just got it. Yeah, it's crazy.

[Dax Shepard]

It's magic.

[Tom Segura]

I love. I really enjoy. I love that you follow Lane Norton.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, I love him.

[Tom Segura]

Do you follow, like, Huberman and all those guys?

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. And I've had all these guys on the podcast, and I like. I love Huberman. Don't get me wrong, I love him. He's fucking awesome. But I have to say, Lane has called him out a couple times, and Huberman's apologized, like. And Huberman has agreed that Lane was right. Lane almost never fucks up. Like, if you want to. If you're into carnivore, intermittent fasting or any of these numerous things. Okay, you're a carnivore. Just listen to what he has to say. I mean, you know, he's a scientist and a world record power lifter, all natural. He's been a very unique position to be advising on this stuff.

[Tom Segura]

I was thinking about the other day, I just got out of the sauna and I was getting into the cold plunge, and I thought to myself, I don't want to. And I said, I'm also not David Goggins. I don't have to. Like, I'm just Burt. So if I don't want to, I can just take a shower and not be cold all day.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And then I thought this was kind of a depressing thought because I'm friends with a guy named Cam Haynes who's like an ultra marathon. The probably think the world's best bow hunter. He's. I'm friends with all these dudes that are, like, high up from Jesse Itzler, who just ultramarath. They. Yeah, they do the thing, the hardest thing, every single day.

[Dax Shepard]

Optimizing. They're all about optimizing.

[Tom Segura]

And I thought, how depressing to be one of those guys. Because if you don't do the craziest shit your body's ever done every day, you're letting yourself down. I was like, how nice to be average and go, I can get in the polar plunge for a minute.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And I'll. That's better than I thought I was gonna do.

[Dax Shepard]

But again, that's your disposition. It's present in the way you drink. Like, somehow you're moderate or moderate plus. I don't know, on the spectrum of moderation, you're on the high end, but you're not.

[Tom Segura]

I'm on the high end.

[Dax Shepard]

You're not an addict. I don't know you well enough to say that, but.

[Tom Segura]

I'm not an addict.

[Dax Shepard]

I think you would have thrown it in the ditch by now.

[Tom Segura]

I would have. I. It would have fucked. It would caught me by now.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, yeah, you're pretty.

[Dax Shepard]

Are you 52?

[Tom Segura]

52? Yeah. How old are you?

[Dax Shepard]

48, 49. And in a month, I turn 50.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, you got January.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm not gonna.

[Tom Segura]

Really. I can't Can I. Can I pitch you something?

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, please.

[Tom Segura]

So I turned 52, and I said to myself, I. I laid in bed and I was like, how many birthdays do I remember? Like, really?

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And I could only remember 11.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Like, really? Like, think about it.

[Dax Shepard]

It's very specific.

[Tom Segura]

Think about how many birthdays can you remember?

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Think about it for a second.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm gonna do that tonight.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. Write them down. I did it. I sat and I went. I only remember 11. I go, that's kind of sad. On this day that I'm celebrating another year of life.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

That I get to live. I can only remember 11. I was like, what the fuck did I do the other ones? And I said, so I may get maybe 25 more. I said, I'm gonna make sure I do something epic. It doesn't need to be a party, but do something to mark that day.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And so on my 52nd birthday, I benched £300.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, wonderful.

[Tom Segura]

And I said, I'll never forget this day.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And so you worked up to that. Yeah, yeah. I've been. I've been. I was doing 225, like, 10 times 12. And then I did 285 three times. And I was like, I think I get 300.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And so then.

[Dax Shepard]

And when you did it, did you do. Did you think, like, I think I could do two?

[Tom Segura]

No, no, no, no. My legs. My legs seized from benching. I'm actually never going to do it again.

[Dax Shepard]

Wait, we're not talking squatting. Benching.

[Tom Segura]

Bench. My leg. See, my leg seized.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, wow.

[Tom Segura]

I was unexpected. I have a video of it, and it is not pretty. And so I did not post it because I would be mocked.

[Dax Shepard]

I have a similar video.

[Tom Segura]

And so I thought, I'm going to do something epic on every one of my birthdays so that I mark that day, whether it's run 12 miles or.

[Dax Shepard]

Or. Or.

[Tom Segura]

Or ride my bike to the beach.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Or just something to mark that day. Because to, like, I. I remember saying to a buddy of mine, what are you doing for your birthday? He's like, I'm not a fucking child. I don't need to do something for my birthday. But. Yeah, but be a child. Let yourself do something fucking epic.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, because it's 50. Yeah. That sounds like the voice I have, too, which is. I'm not a child. Which is like, I'm not going to do some. I'm not going to be earnest, because if you caught me being earnest, I would get made fun of. And I'd be really embarrassed. I have that. You know, I have an older brother, so anything I did that was mildly not masculine enough, I got blasted. So for me, like, being outwardly earnest and saying, I would like a party where people come tell me how much they love me, that would be. I'd be scared to do that. But my anxiety with a party is I just won't enjoy it because I'll be so nervous about a who's coming, then I'll be nervous no one's coming, and then that they won't have a good time and it won't be fun for me. Yeah, I also have the. I would argue that one of the world's worst birthdays that it's January 2nd. So a, everyone just had Christmas, then they just went hard on New Year's, and then they woke up the day before and swore off everything that you might want to serve for food. They're not going to drink. They've been off way too long. It's a bad day for a birthday.

[Tom Segura]

January 2nd sucks.

[Dax Shepard]

It's a real bummer. It's like the day back to real life after two weeks.

[Tom Segura]

It's not even the good football game. It's just like, they're like. They're like, oh, wow, Mizzou's.

[Dax Shepard]

It's party over. Everyone just had two weeks. Weeks of family and fucking eating. And then January 2nd's like, party's over, gang. Let's all go back to school, let's go back to work, and let's get our shit together and then let's go to Daxes. We gotta go to taxes and get through that fucking thing.

[Tom Segura]

So wait, do you still. Do you still want to act? I mean, I know that you. I know that you've done stuff, but your podcast is so big. You talk to Rogan, he's like. He's like, never acting, never doing this, never doing that. I'm just doing the podcast.

[Dax Shepard]

And I admitted this on Andrew Schultz's podcast, which is. I remember when he said that. When Rogan said that and I said, that's not true. I remember saying, that's not true. And, and, And I was dead wrong because now I'm in the same position and I don't want to. I don't have any desire to, not even direct. I do. Misdirecting. But it's so all consuming and it's two years and there's just no way I could do it. But, yeah, I miss directing, but I totally believe Rogan. I was completely wrong, which is like, in Fact, I had this organizational psychologist, Adam Granton. He's pretty famous. He writes New York Times things, teaches at Wharton. And I was interviewing him, and I said, I got this whole story. Well, now I'm doing something completely different. In the wake of failure, be open this whole story. And he goes, this is so different from what you used to do. And I go, well, yeah, acting and doing this podcast. Yeah, that's different. And he said, well, what's your. What was your favorite thing about acting? And I was like, video Village. So on a set, you're shooting, you have the set, but then you have Video Village, this little rolling tray of monitors where the director sits, and then all the actors congregate around and maybe some writers, and there's just this little huddle, and you just shoot the shit. And you're shooting the shit with a bunch of people who left their small town to go pursue something. And I'll say, like, of the promises that are real, the money was not as fun as I thought it was gonna be. The fame wasn't as fun. But the fucking hanging with people who have dedicated their life to being creative, that's the crazy gift. So I lived for Video Village. I just post up a video. Let's shoot the shit. Did you see 60 Minutes this week? Yes. That, to me, is heaven. And he goes, I think you just took the thing you like most about acting and brought it to your house. I think this show is just Video Village. And I was like, that's a pretty solid point. And maybe that is what happened.

[Tom Segura]

There's not one human being alive that wouldn't love Video Village.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, it's the best.

[Tom Segura]

It's the best. We just wrapped yesterday, and at one point, I'm not even fucking lying. There were about. And we had two Video villages. There was about 30 people crammed into Video Village.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, it was.

[Dax Shepard]

It's a party.

[Tom Segura]

All my agents, my parents, my wife, my. The fucking brothers and sisters of the actors. And it was, like, packed and the best thing in the world. And I know this isn't conducive to good projects sometimes, but is to be doing a take and hear laughter out of Video Village. And then you're like, dude, I'm telling you, when I say that, I sometimes think I just want to be a producer.

[Dax Shepard]

So you can hang a Video Village the whole time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I want to give a shout out to Will Arnett. So Will Arnett's very funny on camera, there's no question. But there's no human Being funnier in real life at Leo Village for real, than Will Arnett. Like, I would do any movie with Arnett, not to be in scenes with him, but just to be at Video Village with him.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Dax Shepard]

Yes, he is. He's just pound for pound. The very funniest.

[Tom Segura]

Does he party?

[Dax Shepard]

He's over, too.

[Tom Segura]

Fucking Jesus. Yeah, they're all gone. I'm gonna be partying with children one day. Fucking sucks. I mean, I guess I gotta get sober one day, but I don't.

[Dax Shepard]

Do you? I don't know.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, you're gonna. You're gonna die.

[Dax Shepard]

Although I will say, and I'll ask you, because you're 52, and I will say, I say this a lot on the podcast. The people I feel baddest for are not people like me who are addicts or people who never have done it. It's the people that. It's moderate. They don't pay any price. But there is this inflection point as you age, I think, which is. It does start taking more than it's giving. It's like you get that. You get that 40 minute window of dopamine when the buzz is first coming on. Yeah, that's fucking heaven. The ears are getting tingly, the cheeks are getting warm. And then that dissipates. Now you're like, well, now I gotta get inebriated or whatever, I gotta do the next thing, which is like just kind of inebriation, right? And then, I don't know, maybe that's. This is 40 minutes of incredible time. And then, I don't know, two hours of like, okay, you're just kind of inebriated. Correct me if I'm wrong, that part's still gravy.

[Tom Segura]

No, it's not.

[Dax Shepard]

Anyways, and if you wake up and you feel like shit for the first four hours of the day, just the cost benefit. At some point, it might take more than it gives. And I don't know how I would if I didn't have any wreckage I would ever choose to stop. I think that would be the hardest.

[Tom Segura]

The. I'll tell you the. Maybe the difference in my brain is that my favorite thing isn't necessarily that first drink. It's the camaraderie that happens when people decide to drink with you. That energy of, like, all right, fuck it, make me one. And that is inebriating to me. The drink is great. The second it hits you and it touches your soul and the Lord whispers in your ear, we're gonna have the best night of our lives. That's the other great part. I gotta be honest with you, I don't notice the buzz after that moment. Honestly, I could not drink or drink. I don't feel it. I don't. You don't see it in me. I don't get hammered. I don't act hammered. I. Maybe my inhibitions are lowered a little bit. And then the even better part is when they all leave and it's just you by yourself and you go, one more, and you just take it outside and you act weird and you just talk crazy and you sit in your hot tub, you have a conversation with Dax Shepard and he's not there.

[Dax Shepard]

I love it.

[Tom Segura]

I'm going to run through these.

[Dax Shepard]

Sounds fucking great. It's clearly. It's giving more than it's taking.

[Tom Segura]

Oh. And then the best. The best is waking up this morning and I.

[Dax Shepard]

Do you feel fine when you wake up?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah. I haven't.

[Dax Shepard]

So you might be blessed.

[Tom Segura]

No, no. But I mean, I feel like I go. Like, I don't feel as good as I did yesterday. Like, I hadn't been drinking. And so yesterday. Last night was my first night back drinking. And so there's also the other thing I.

[Dax Shepard]

This is, you know, the Sinatra quote. It's my favorite. I feel bad for people who don't drink. Cause when they wake up in the morning, that's the best they're gonna feel all day.

[Tom Segura]

I'm very punitive. So I wake up, if I did drink, and I go, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Like, I can talk myself out of working out if I'm sober. If I'm not, if I'm drinking, I go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. We're not gonna let you skate by today. Yeah, get the fuck up. Go pet a dog. Make some coffee. Do an Instagram video. Walk through your backyard. Let cold grass hit your feet. Punish yourself just a little bit. Get into the gym. And we're running. We're gonna run. And we're gonna watch Chips again.

[Dax Shepard]

See, that's the kind.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, so I watched Chips again this morning.

[Dax Shepard]

No, you didn't.

[Tom Segura]

Fuck. Yeah. You opened that movie with tit. Best decision anyone ever made in the.

[Dax Shepard]

Movie is opening what with tit, Mike.

[Tom Segura]

Michael Pena rolls over and you see a nipple. Come on, get the.

[Dax Shepard]

She was the original. If you remember, she was the original Big ass influencer.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Where the ass. You were like, how does someone have that ass? And it made a real indelible mark on me. And I got to cast her at some point. Now what? Now I'll tell you, I made some mistakes in that. So what is not in the movie, which is sad.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Dax Shepard]

Is she would get out of bed, and I had a tracking shot where we just watched her walk to the kitchen. And it was incredible. And then I thought, that's pretty gnarly. If you're a woman and you see that, you're probably like, this guy's a pig. So I thought the way I could comedically justify it is. And then it cut immediately to my ass walking in the barracks. And I thought, okay, that'll like. That'll even it. We're like, everyone's gonna show their ass.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

It's not just. We're not just, you know.

[Tom Segura]

No, I liked.

[Dax Shepard]

But in testing before. No, thank you. This movie just started, and I'm watching two asses for, like, 30 seconds. And I was very heartbroken that that couldn't stay. But it just. It was very. People didn't love that.

[Tom Segura]

What was the weird question? What was the bathing suit choice for your wife? Cause she came out.

[Dax Shepard]

That's incredible. Cause my wife was breastfeeding at the time, and she liter said, when are we shooting that scene? I want to plan to not pump so that my boobs are as big as humanly possible.

[Tom Segura]

I legit, swear to God. I saw her come out of the. And I went. I did not know she was like that.

[Dax Shepard]

She's not. But, boy, she had a. Yeah, she had a year. Well, she had a year two different times with both kids where she had humongous melons. And she loved it. And she would inflate those suckers when it was time to film. And I was nervous they were going to pop on that day of chips. I said, hon, I think you need to let a little steam off. Like, I'm getting nervous. They're going to pop.

[Tom Segura]

Does. Does she sing to your kids?

[Dax Shepard]

Yes. Well, they. All three of them sing, which is insane. In fact, I had. I had the most transcendent experience, like, last week. I was laying in bed, and of course, wicked is everything right now.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

And all three of them were singing Unlimited, and there we were in harmony, and I'm the lucky fucking dude, laying in the middle of these three angels. And they were all in harmony, and I was like, oh, my God, I could float out of this bed and fucking evaporate right now. It was incredible. And all three of them can sing, and it's the greatest.

[Tom Segura]

My daughters have listened to your wife sing. It's crazy that your wife's. I've heard your wife Sing more than I've probably had sex with my wife.

[Dax Shepard]

Yep. I've heard her sing more than I've had sex with her.

[Tom Segura]

All right, let me see. I got. By the way, this is my pre interview. Okay.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, great.

[Tom Segura]

So this is all the. I don't even know if I asked.

[Dax Shepard]

Hey, Bert, can I say something? Sure. I really respect, Like, I really do my shit, and I respect that you do your shit. Some people don't do their shit.

[Tom Segura]

I just started doing my shit.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, okay.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I've had a few bad ones.

[Dax Shepard]

Even if you don't fucking use it, it's like. Yeah, I just like that I'm flattered that you put in that time.

[Tom Segura]

Testosterone.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, we got there.

[Tom Segura]

I feel like I don't even need to. These are like.

[Dax Shepard]

I want to hear it, though. I'm curious.

[Tom Segura]

Let me see.

[Dax Shepard]

How long. What are your Long. Like, what's a long episode for you?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, I mean, I've done. I've done five hours.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, really?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

With who? Who is Rogan? Oh, okay.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. That's like, he. He. When he gets on one, you're like, okay, three hours is pretty long. I try to keep. We try to keep two bears, like, within just above an hour. Around an hour. Because it. I. I feel like it. I feel like it also allows people to go, I want to hear more from that guy.

[Dax Shepard]

Yep.

[Tom Segura]

And you're someone that. You've been so good.

[Dax Shepard]

We're confronting that right now. And it was kind of a light bulb moment.

[Tom Segura]

Do you.

[Dax Shepard]

Have you ever listened to Acquired? It's an incredible podcast. It's by these two super nerds, and they'll tell you the whole finances of a company. So they even did, like, a Taylor Swift episode. It was like four hours long. And they'll tell you every single revenue stream and how that whole business works.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

And so, like, the one right now on Metta is six hours, and I only listened to it in the sauna. And the other day I was like, I'm going to have to go in the sauna 18 times to hear this full episode.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Oh, and that gets me so excited, though.

[Dax Shepard]

Me too.

[Tom Segura]

Remember Dan Carlin?

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, my God. Hardcore history. Fuck, yeah. Buckle up. I love hardcore history. So I started thinking, yeah, I don't have time to listen to this thing. I really want to listen to. And we have three fucking episodes a week, and they're all two or to. And change. At some point, I gotta be realistic, like, how the fuck are people gonna find time to listen to all this? And I'm Like, I think we gotta. We gotta chisel it down to, like, Maybe at least 140. Maybe. Yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I try to keep it these. Tommy likes to keep it. Tommy likes to keep it at one hour and five minutes. I don't understand that. And you, like, we just had McConaughey on and.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And Tom at 1. 1 hour, 5 minutes. I haven't even asked my good questions yet. And Tom's like. And I. He's such a. He starts doing this thing where he goes like. And you take deep breaths. He does it on Rogan. When we do Rogan together, he's like, I can only do like an hour 30. And we're like. I go, chef, get the fuck out of here. What are you talking about? Then you leave.

[Dax Shepard]

We'll do two days if he wants.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. We're about to take mushrooms. What the fuck are you talking about? And, But.

[Dax Shepard]

But Tosh, have you done mushrooms on the air with him?

[Tom Segura]

No. No, I haven't done mushrooms in a while. Could you do mushrooms?

[Dax Shepard]

Here's the thing. I think in theory, maybe, because I will say mushrooms is the only drug I've ever taken in my life where. When I took it a. When I'm on it, I don't have the thought, I need more. Every other drug, the second it hits, I'm like, I need more mushrooms. I was never like, I need more mushrooms.

[Tom Segura]

Is beautiful that way. They're like, hey, we got you. We're good here.

[Dax Shepard]

In fact, maybe you've done too many. I mean, that's the general thought is never like, we need to double down. And it's not like an hour three. You're like, oh, fuck, I'm going to miss this. I can't let this go away.

[Tom Segura]

Mushrooms is like anal sex. You're like, that's enough. That's enough right there.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Are you happy?

[Dax Shepard]

Did you get what you wanted out of this? Yeah. So. And then I had never, the next day, woke up and thought, oh, I want to do mushrooms. Even when I was a drug addict, I was like, maybe once every couple of months, I'll do mushrooms. And so, a. I don't do mushrooms. But if ever there were a drug that maybe, like, with a psychologist, supervised, I will say I don't have a unilateral opinion on what people in AA should or shouldn't do. Like, there's people that do this. I don't have an opinion. I don't really care. Like, you know, that people do things. I don't. I'm Not. I'm not a Nazi about it.

[Tom Segura]

I don't have a problem. I don't have a problem with anyone doing anything they want.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I literally. I go, well, just have. As long as you don't hurt anybody.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, don't. I mean, if you're suffering from it and you're confused why you're suffering, I might be like, well, it's kind of. I think I know why you're suffering. But if someone. I think there's people in sobriety that go do ayahuasca trips, that's great, if that's cool for them. Again, I can't imagine ayahuasca is something you want to do every night. I've never done it, but I can't imagine you want to go nightclub because of the shitting yourself.

[Tom Segura]

No, no, no. Just. I don't need to go there.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I don't need to go there. I'm terrified of death, and I don't need to see what that's gonna feel like.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, you don't need to touch it up close.

[Tom Segura]

Why do you like Chuck Taylor's?

[Dax Shepard]

I think. Well, I can tell you. So all through elementary, you know, again, the learning disabled room, I was way too big. Every photo of me, it looks like I flunked a few grades. And I think most parents thought I had flunked a few grades. So it was just this enormous toe head with colics. I couldn't read. No girls liked me. I was fucking in love with so many girls. This is the original drug. I've just always been so in love with girls. And when I went to sixth grade, my brother said it was a makeover. He's like, we're going shave side spike bangs. You're punk rock now in a skateboarder, and you're gonna wear Chuck Taylor's. You're rolling your pants, and we're gonna have you in a hardcore T shirt. And I showed up to sixth grade, Highland Junior High. Still the greatest moment of my life. I'm walking down the sixth grade hallway, and Sasha Crossett, the hottest eighth grader, walks up to me. I'm like, why is Sasha in the sixth grade hallway? She hands me a note. I'm like, panicked. I go into my science class, and I open it up and says, will you go with me? And I was like, oh, my God, dude, how is this happening? Dude, how is this happening? And I fucking said yes. And I would go to the basketball game, we'd make out, and she told me to go up her shirt, and it was just the fucking. What a. What an era. Every 8th grader hated my fucking guts. I think it started this thing where guys, certain guys hate my guts. And I get it. I want to talk about this. I've never talked about it in public. People hate that I'm with Kristen less now. But for many years they hated I was with Kristen. Guys in particular hated I was with Kristen. And they would he doesn't deserve her. There'd be all these polls. Like the most. The ugliest guy with the hottest girl. I won a lot of those. And I would have thought aren't I encouraging? Like aren't I Like shouldn't you be so encouraged by the fact that I got Kristen?

[Tom Segura]

I thought that meant.

[Dax Shepard]

But it goes the other way.

[Tom Segura]

Like what?

[Dax Shepard]

It goes the other way. You go like there's an injustice. This guy doesn't deserve her. And I hate this guy. And I think those 8th graders, they were like this kid, he's got a stupid haircut and it's Chuck Taylor's and all this stuff and saw and so yeah it's kind of started then where it's like if you were my age you liked me and if you're older than me you hated me. And I had to deal with it non stop. And then I did really well all through junior high. I fucking is the seventh grade is the best year of my life period. Hands down. And then I got into 9th grade and I was 6 3. 149. Huge nose. My brother now was in a phase where he had a perm. So I had a perm. So I had a perm on top. Fucking straight water falling back way too long. A huge nose. 149. New school. Didn't have cool enough clothes. It was. It was a nosedive from junior high and I crawled my way back out in 11th grade.

[Tom Segura]

I miss. I miss.

[Dax Shepard]

Did you kill in high school? Were you?

[Tom Segura]

I was.

[Dax Shepard]

The girls like you.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, they did. Yeah, I was. I was. I was always cool as wasn't until I got. I had two.

[Dax Shepard]

Did you have a low point? Because I think those are good.

[Tom Segura]

No. So I had. Well no, but I never. But I. I was really bad at sex and so the first.

[Dax Shepard]

You came too fast.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, way too fast. Yeah, I was really good at like. Like when heavy betting. Oh I bet there's chicks that still remember it.

[Dax Shepard]

I was really good and I that dude don't them. It'll be over the second it starts. But if you can get into some heavy petting, do not miss out on that.

[Tom Segura]

I. I was good. 6th, 7th, 8th. I mean, I remember getting. I remember getting there were girls, and I was like, can you imagine being the guy that gets to play with her boobs? And then I got that girl, and I went, so wait, I will get to be that guy. And then I was good. And when I got to college, first.

[Dax Shepard]

Week, first day from the Rolling Stones article. It seems to me like you had about the best college experience anyone's ever had in America.

[Tom Segura]

I had the best college experience anyone's ever had. And today I get on a plane and I go down to be the grand marshal of my college.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, you did?

[Tom Segura]

Homecoming parade. Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Is that the one Burt Reynolds went to?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah. Burt Reynolds and me. Yeah. I'm thinking about pulling. I'm a big Burt Reynolds fan.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm the number one.

[Tom Segura]

I know. I have one baby. I have one of his neckties.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, you do?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah. I'm a fucking huge Burt Reynolds fan.

[Dax Shepard]

You know, I got to do a movie.

[Tom Segura]

I know. Yeah. Without a paddle.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, my God. All I did is go every lunch, go to his trailer, eat with him, just get stories out of him. So many.

[Tom Segura]

So I really am jealous.

[Dax Shepard]

The thing you should be jealous of.

[Tom Segura]

Without a fucking doubt.

[Dax Shepard]

He's. And he was. He was. He was the Bandit. He was everything you wanted him to be, and he was so generous and nice, and he's just. He was a sweetheart. Like, I had brought a gator poster to have him sign, and I had brought a Smoking the Bandit poster to have him sign. And then while I was there, he found a couple more posters, and he just put them in my trailer for me. And he also loved my girlfriend Brie, so he gave her the picture of him naked on the thing. And he wrote, this is when I was young and cute like Dax to breathe.

[Tom Segura]

That's.

[Dax Shepard]

We both just stared at that.

[Tom Segura]

That is an absolute gift. That man defined everything for us in Florida. In Florida, because he was from Florida. Played. Played at Florida State. He owned the Bandits, which were our USFL team in Tampa. He was a legend. I mean, you. He was a legend. And I. That's the one. I got met Dolly Parton. And. And I said, you know, she goes, I know a Bert. And I said, yeah, I know. I said, you know, I'm obsessed with him. And she goes, yeah. She goes, you want to meet him? I said, I would love to meet him. And Dolly Parton goes, well, you better hurry up. He's gonna be dead soon.

[Dax Shepard]

And I was like, okay, okay, can we go now?

[Tom Segura]

Can we go? Now I think I'm done with this. I'll go.

[Dax Shepard]

I'm free. Is that what you're saying?

[Tom Segura]

No. Bernie Reynolds, a goddamn legend.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

What a stud. Yeah. What was I asking you right before that? Oh, girls. So it wasn't. When I got to college, my first, I hooked up five times. The first five days, every night was with a new chick. And on the sixth day, I met this girl that I ended up dating, like, for four and a half years. Five years.

[Dax Shepard]

I have the same problem.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And I'm. I'm a serial.

[Dax Shepard]

Fall in love. Yeah, I fall in love.

[Tom Segura]

Didn't have sex with those girls. Hooked up with them. Met this girl, had sex with her, date her. Five years.

[Dax Shepard]

Can I ask you something?

[Tom Segura]

Please.

[Dax Shepard]

You just didn't know of this, by the way, which I didn't know of this, but did you ever figure out you could just jerk off a little.

[Tom Segura]

Bit before found that out late?

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, me too.

[Tom Segura]

Found that out. Really?

[Dax Shepard]

That. By the way, half the reason I loved drinking, half the appeal was like, oh, when I'm hammered, I can actually stay in the saddle for a while.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, well, now I'm having a problem with it. Especially with testosterone. There's times you're back to your never gotten to a place where I'm like. Or where my wife's like, just go to sleep. And I'm like, no, it'll happen. It'll happen. I swear to God. Like, I. But, yeah, but I identify with what you say about, like, I was such a romantic that, like, I. Every girl I remember just longing for. Longing for chicks.

[Dax Shepard]

I used to watch Party of Five and my stomach ached because I was so in love with Neve Campbell. I'm like, I can't believe I'm not going to be able to marry her and be in love with her.

[Tom Segura]

She's. I mean, dude, I was on a plane next to. Because you say Neve Campbell, the girl that made out with Neve Campbell in Wild Things. Charlie Sheen's ex wife. Denise Richards.

[Dax Shepard]

Good job, Denise Richards. You were.

[Tom Segura]

When I was a kid, I would look at Vogue magazines and I would feel depression that I would never date that girl.

[Dax Shepard]

Right. It was heartbreaking. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I agree.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, it would kill me.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And then I remember when you were on. When you're on mtv, Cribs was really big at the time.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, I loved Cribs.

[Tom Segura]

And I would feel the same depression when I'd see people having a private island, and I go, I'll never have a private island.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. Complete Loser.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I mean, I had no plans of anything. Punk'd would be. Punk was like. Was like the most accessible thing to all of us at that time. Because if. Because I knew people that had done it. Like, you know who's on Punk? Daniel Tosh.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, right. And that guy. So over the years, a few people have hated me. He's one of them. Like, he would again, I would hear about it. It's like he would do a whole thing on his show, how much he hated me.

[Tom Segura]

Well, you know why he hated you?

[Dax Shepard]

I don't.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, I mean, I mean, because I was, you know. I love you, Daniel. You know? I love you, Daniel. Tosh always wanted to be an actor. Like, he really wanted to be an actor. I love you, Daniel. I love you.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

He's had a fantastic career simply as a stand up comedian and as a television host and as now as a podcaster. Once again, he got into podcasting extremely late and he's killing it.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, good for him.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, but. But he. I'm sure he witnessed. And by the way, his best friend booked punked.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

His best friend booked punk.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So I'm certain he saw you jump into movie.

[Dax Shepard]

Because you know, another thing, Artie Lang had auditioned to be Frito in Idiocracy. And I'm like a huge fan of Artie Lang. And I love Stern. And I'm like listening to Stern and all of a sudden he's just blasting me. Cuz, I. I feel so horrible that.

[Tom Segura]

I ever said anything you sh.

[Dax Shepard]

I don't. Because at all.

[Tom Segura]

I. Because for real, I. I honestly was talking out of a place of like, he'll never hear this. Oh, and it. And it. And. And like going like, I'm bullshitting with my friend about ultimately what was happening with podcasting at the time. You were the spokesperson of it. But like I said, you have to know this by now. I was a huge fan.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, not.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I think I've seen all of your.

[Dax Shepard]

I mean, it makes me so happy.

[Tom Segura]

Idiocracy is like, what's crazy to me is it didn't do well in theaters.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh my God. I made $180,000. I had not run into somebody that had seen that movie in for this full six years after it came out. I never ran into a single person I'd ever seen. I was like, I did a movie like in a vacuum or something. And then now that is the movie that I will most get recognized.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, by far.

[Dax Shepard]

It's crazy. I've never had an experience like that where it just went like this.

[Tom Segura]

That's insane. Yeah, I think I was. I was under the impression the same things would happen for Chips. I've seen it twice.

[Dax Shepard]

Well, I did have a moment, and I have a whole theory on it. But, yeah, it came out. It made what we spent. It was not the hit I wanted. And then, like, two years ago, whenever Maverick came out, right after Maverick came out, out of nowhere, one of my best friends who produced it, Penne, he calls me and goes, dude, go on Netflix. Chips is somehow, like, the 10th most watched movie. And then for like, three or four weeks, it just climbed and it got to number two. And it was just there for a long time. I was like, wow, that's very unexpected. I had accepted no one was ever going to see that, but my explanation is like, did you see Maverick?

[Tom Segura]

Of course.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, my God, I saw it. I went and saw it again two days later on imax. I brought my daughter. She was like, oh, my God, I've never seen a movie like this. I'm like, yeah, this is how movies used to be. This is incredible.

[Tom Segura]

Fuck, yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

It reminded everyone, like, oh, it's fun to go party in a movie and have a blast.

[Tom Segura]

And Chips is just a fun fucking movie.

[Dax Shepard]

That's right.

[Tom Segura]

That's it. That's it. Just a fun fucking movie.

[Dax Shepard]

If you're mad that it's a remake, okay, great. If you're mad, There's a lot of reasons to be mad at it, but, yeah, it's just a fucking party. We're not taking ourselves terribly serious. It's just fun. And I think Maverick kind of pushed that into happening somehow.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I hope. I mean, I don't know. I don't know what's happening with this business right now. I don't know if we're ever gonna get back to making $25 million comedies.

[Dax Shepard]

That make 100 million.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I don't know if that's gonna happen in theaters. And I think if, you know.

[Dax Shepard]

Can I admit one thing to you, though? Because I couldn't relate more. So my dude was Vince Vaughn. Like, I.

[Tom Segura]

He was all our dudes.

[Dax Shepard]

I remember seeing.

[Tom Segura]

We all talked like him for a period of time.

[Dax Shepard]

Of course, tried.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

I saw Wedding crashers at the AMC 7. I had been an. You know, an unemployed actor for eight years, and I saw him in Crashers, and I go, hm, well, that's exactly what I was hoping I could do. And I can't do it that good. And he already did it. And basically it's over. Like, I left that movie going. There's no spot for me in this. Because the thing I wanted to do is being done better by this guy Vince Vaughn. So I so obsessed with him and all I did was gossip about him for like 10 years. I would fucking gossip about him. I talked to people, random people. Isn't it weird he's never had a famous girlfriend? Like, if you're Vince Vaughn, wouldn't you have a famous girlfriend? That's a little weird, isn't it? Think about that. Who's not gonna have a famous girlfriend if they have the opportunity? I just. Because I'm so overwhelmed with like, jealousy and I'm certain he's better than me and fear. And so I just. This guy I love, love, I love. I would jump in front of a train to keep his career going and, and I would just trash talk him because I was so intimidated by him.

[Tom Segura]

Vince Vaughn is the reason, is one of the reasons I'm trying to get over getting impressed by Celebrity. Because he came to our vodka launch in Vegas.

[Dax Shepard]

Uh huh.

[Tom Segura]

And we were, we had a big party. We did a show at MGM Grand Garden Arena. Everyone came over. Vince Vaughn's there and, and I'm like, yo. I was like, someone introduced me to Vince Vaughn and they're like, bird, this is Vince. I was like, dude, I got to tell you, I'm such a fan of, such an honor to meet you. And he just leans down, he goes, we've already met, baby. And I was like, oh, fuck, wow. I was like, wait, I met you and I forgot. And then I was like, oh yeah, I met you with. I know, your sister. Like I met your sister, God damn it. And then I was like, oh, I did a project with you. I had a fucking movie. I was like, fat Astronauts is with you? Oh, fuck me. I was like, God damn it, I'm done. I was like, I'm fucking done with celebrity. This sucks.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, that's a bummer.

[Tom Segura]

Any, any. But the worst part is whatever he said, I don't know if he said the word baby, just. I put that in there for my own little defense, Von. And the worst is he leaned down to tell me that he's six seven. Well, that's down to say we've met.

[Dax Shepard]

You're already intimidated by him from what he can do on screen. And then for people who have not been around him, he is a physical female.

[Tom Segura]

He's a big motherfucker.

[Dax Shepard]

He was just on the show, I don't know, a couple of months ago to do Bad Monkey Press. And we're in a photo together and I look like a. I look like 5, 8. I just look like a little guy.

[Tom Segura]

He's a fucking man.

[Dax Shepard]

And he's so fucking handsome in real life, it's impossible.

[Tom Segura]

He's got good skin.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

He's a fucking.

[Dax Shepard]

He's the gorgeous and funny.

[Tom Segura]

I used to love hearing stories about him getting in fights at like, Barney's Beanery.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

He was like, fuck you and throw drinks at people. Sorry, Vince. I don't know, Vince.

[Dax Shepard]

This is what we see.

[Tom Segura]

This is what. This is. What I do is I talk wild shit. And then one day I have the opportunity to sit down with that person and go, hey, Dax Shepard, I am so sorry.

[Dax Shepard]

I got to tell you, the fighting aspect of his life, because I would read like, he'd be in details. I'd read it. All the interviews were at bars. I'm like, this dude is doing everything right.

[Tom Segura]

I would go to the bars he went to. Hopefully that one time I could just jump into him.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. I never saw him out in the. In the field. Yeah. But when I interviewed him, I. All I wanted to talk about was fighting. And I knew he's just. That's not what he wants to talk about. And I just maybe like poked at it for a second and I was like, yeah, he doesn't want to go down this road with me and tell fight stories. God, he's smart enough to not be out there telling fights stories.

[Tom Segura]

Do you have a movie pitch for you and Vince Vaughn to star in?

[Dax Shepard]

You know, I wrote something crazy Enough called Send Lawyers, Guns and Money off the Warren Zon song.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

About my last week of good musical taste. Thank you.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Dax Shepard]

My last week of drinking, which I just told you about, which was in Kauai. The hysterical part of that trip was I was with a buddy from Detroit, and before we got there, we booked all kinds of stuff. We had a snorkeling trip, we had a zipline trip. We had an off roading trip. We had a Zodiac boat tour around the Nepali coast. But we were getting so annihilated and on so many drugs. But we kept showing up at these appointments so we would be on a zipline tour throwing up off the side of the zip line. My buddy threw up in his mask snorkeling. We fucking this kind of Poly Coast Zodiac 2 were just fucking bouncing and we're so wrung out. And so I wrote a whole script about it and it got to him and he was like, I love this. I want to Play one of these guys. So there was a little moment around chips when I thought, like, okay, this is all I'm gonna do. I'm gonna write and direct that. He was going to do it, and I was gonna get to do it with him. And then that never happened. But, yeah. Do I have a dream of acting with him? Yeah. And when you asked, do I want to act, I don't. But I just interviewed Bill Lawrence, and he said, I really want you to come season two, Bad Monkey. And I go, well, if I could be in a scene with Vince Vaughn, I'm there, and you don't have to pay me. And, yeah, I still would very much love to do that. To get blown off the screen by my idol.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Oh, my God. I just got chill bumps. Dax, I. I want to thank you for doing this.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, yeah. This is so fun.

[Tom Segura]

You're cool as shit, man.

[Dax Shepard]

I think you're wonderful. I follow you on Instagram. Watch all your shit.

[Tom Segura]

I follow you on Instagram. It's so funny. I was. We're on set. We're bullshitting yesterday. And I was like. I was like, yeah, I got. I'm doing a podcast with Dax Shepard. And someone was like, fucking Deep Dovey. It was my agent. Are you uta?

[Dax Shepard]

Wme?

[Tom Segura]

Okay? They were like, dude, he's the fucking man. Halloween. Halloween is like. He goes, fucking ham. He puts. He's like, loading up the kids. And I was like. And they're like, he's a great fucking dad. And I was like. And I'm sitting here listening to all these people talk about you. And I was like, man, he dak should be lucky enough to just almost recorded it and gave it to you to go like, this is what people say about you behind your back. It was so positive.

[Dax Shepard]

That's really nice. Are you good at receiving that stuff? I have this paradox of, like, all I want is approval.

[Tom Segura]

All I want is approval.

[Dax Shepard]

All I want is approval. I'm so addicted to it. And then when I receive it, I'm not good at receiving it. I go like, oh, this? You're a fraud. You fooled these people. You're a shitty dad. You're a terrible actor and a terrible podcast host, and somehow you talking to me.

[Tom Segura]

I heard that, and I was like. I was like, no, you're right. I mean, we don't say that out loud.

[Dax Shepard]

No, no, that's my internal monologue. I'm like, okay, I got the thing I wanted, but I don't believe it. So I've fooled somebody.

[Tom Segura]

All right, we're Going to exchange numbers. I'm going to text you pictures of motorcycles that I'm looking at. Perfect.

[Dax Shepard]

And the fact that we both have buses in our driveway is just.

[Tom Segura]

You can drive yours, though.

[Dax Shepard]

I do drive mine. In fact, I don't. I don't want anyone. I'll tell you. I bought the bus. I'm sorry. You're trying to land the plane. I'm going to. I'm going to get out of your way. But.

[Tom Segura]

Hey, someone make me a drink downstairs. I need one for the car.

[Dax Shepard]

I bought this tour bus.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Dax Shepard]

And I was like, okay, this is going to be great. I'm going to rent it to sets. Right. And then I'll be able to write it off because it's now a business. I got this whole thing figured out.

[Tom Segura]

I know how this is going to happen. Keep going.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah. So Kristen, right after we get the bus, she goes to work on a show. I can't remember what show. And she said, hey, I gave your email to the head of transpo so they can come pick up the bus. And I was like, I don't want. Had a trans folk coming and driving my bus. And then they're going to drive it all over the city and I don't know how they're going to park it. And all of a sudden I go, I don't want to do this. I just want to have the bus for me. Why do I got to try to figure out how to make money on every thing I do? And no, no, I don't want anyone to drive it. So, no, no, I've never ended up renting it out to anybody, and I'm not going to.

[Tom Segura]

That was the business move. And then I brought it in. I showed it to Gavin Rossdale. I was like, this is my bus. And I mean, I wish I knew the code to it. I showed you.

[Dax Shepard]

Great. I don't know the code of mine either, by the way.

[Tom Segura]

And he was like, dude, this is badass. Can I rent this out? I was like, no.

[Dax Shepard]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

All my stuff's here. That's my bedroom, my favorite things. I put my used zins over here.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes, yes. It's your bedroom on wheels, dude.

[Tom Segura]

It's my. It's my home.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

If my wife leaves me, that's where I'll go.

[Dax Shepard]

Yeah, that's a good home for a man that's been left by his wife. Wh. And Jennings style. Just keep going.

[Tom Segura]

We'll just go to all the cities she'll never go to New Orleans, Key west, all the places Key west.

[Dax Shepard]

Is a blast. I went there last year for. Yeah. What a party that place is.

[Tom Segura]

All right. I'm going to Tallahassee. Dax.

[Dax Shepard]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

Congratulations on all your success. Congratulations.

[Dax Shepard]

Thank you. You too.

[Tom Segura]

On an amazing podcast. If everyone hasn't, you should go. It's armchair expert. It's fucking awesome. And the thing I love about you is you are a smart dude. You've been in therapy, you got a solid wife who's steering the ship, but you're still broken, like all of us. And you still say fucked up shit. And I want you to know that anytime anyone ever comes out, you for anything, you say where you sit and go. Maybe I shouldn't have say. At least I made Bert happy.

[Dax Shepard]

Okay, good, good, good.

[Tom Segura]

Because I'm. I'm on your team. I fucking love you, man.

[Dax Shepard]

Oh, thank you, brother. This is awesome.

[Tom Segura]

Thank you so much, man. Tom and Bert.

[Dax Shepard]

One goes topless while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Burt's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean.

[Tom Segura]

Here's what we call two bears, one cave.