Is White-Face Cool Again? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Summary

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Episode Overview

Title: Is White-Face Cool Again?
Podcast: 2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Release Date: September 8, 2025
Studio: YMH Studios

In this episode, comedians Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer dive deep into comedy controversies around "whiteface," discuss the genius of modern internet sketch comedians, reflect on patriotism and generational change, banter about sports fandom, and brainstorm million-dollar podcast stunts—like managing an OnlyFans account. The tone is irreverent, unfiltered, and packed with the signature energy fans expect from the duo.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Drewski, Whiteface, and Race in Comedy

[00:43 – 12:28]

• The main discussion centers around Drewski, a comedic performer known for his "whiteface" NASCAR spoof, and the reactions it sparked online.

• Bert and Tom praise Drewski’s commitment and transformative ability in sketch work, comparing his method and talent to comedy legends.

  "He is the future right now. If you're sitting on your couch going, I want to get into comedy, don't ask me and Tom… Ask Druski."
  — Bert Kreischer [01:28]

• Dive into how the sketch's comedic success was due not only to Drewski's acting but also the hair and makeup team’s “sunburnt white guy” look.

• Bert reflects on social boundaries in comedy, questioning if he or Tom could pull off “blackface,” “yellowface,” or “brownface,” and how much of the character’s success depends on nerve and context.

• They riff on the complexity of racial humor in America, raising questions about offense, context, and who can (or can’t) take a joke.

  "You can't be a black guy, not use the N word. It's the best word they say."
  — Bert Kreischer [08:33]

• Discussion of internet outcry over Drewski’s sketches, the shifting lines in comedy, and how certain online communities have rallied around him.

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2. The Rise of Internet Streamers and Changing Media

[11:13 – 14:26]

• Bert marvels at the new generation of internet entertainers—Kai Cenat, Aiden Ross, etc.—and the astronomical money and influence these live streamers wield.
• Tom is more skeptical, suggesting it’s less about genius and more about timing and exploiting a new format.
• Recognition that this new form of streaming/entertainment is reshaping how young people engage with content and each other, even leading to shifts in career aspirations away from traditional paths like military service or heroism.

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3. Patriotism, Sacrifice, and Generational Shifts

[16:49 – 23:43]

• Both comics reflect (half-seriously) on whether they’d be willing to die for their country, with Tom leaning into the sense of obligation passed down from his Marine father, and Bert flatly admitting he wouldn’t.

  "No, I'm being honest. I mean, dead honest. Like there's, and I mean that as a compliment to everyone in the military is that I don't have the thing they got."
  — Bert Kreischer [19:06]

• Bert laments how modern culture rewards personal glory more than selfless heroism; together they muse on how cushy their lives are compared to generations past.

• They riff (with characteristic gallows humor) about living in different eras, referencing the Civil War, and imagining absurd alternate histories.

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4. Sports Fandom and Emotional Investment

[38:23 – 49:54]

• Tom shares his deep emotional attachment to college football and Florida State University (FSU). For him, true fandom involves suffering and loyalty, not just casual interest.

• Bert recounts giving a pre-game speech at FSU and the rush of connecting with tens of thousands of fans.

  "When that spear went into that Seminole head, I started crying and I didn't know why."
  — Bert Kreischer [43:18]

• They reminisce about legendary college football atmospheres and fantasize about touring top schools for games.

• Banter about their respective touring schedules, the joys and pains of traveling, and the logistics of live shows.

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5. OnlyFans Million-Dollar Scheme and Podcast Stunts

[51:03 – 59:14]

• Bert pitches a new podcast stunt: he and Tom managing a fan’s OnlyFans account, turning an unknown creator into a star by managing/pimping their content.

• They debate whether to launch a creator “from scratch” or help someone with a modest following.

• Vision is to make it interactive, breaking standard OnlyFans molds and involving their fan community.

  "We will help them build… promote the shit out of them. But we take a very small cut."
  — Bert Kreischer [52:12]

• They joke about the boundaries of what content to produce, bringing their unfiltered brand to adult content management.

• Plan is to solicit applications via email/DMs, with Bert excited (and likely overwhelmed) by anticipated responses.

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6. Personal Anecdotes & Family Dynamics

[59:20 – 65:52]

• Bert shares a chaotic, humorous story about moving his daughter into college, getting roasted by his family for claiming to be “one of the strongest men in the city” while failing to move a heavy armoire.

  "I am one of the strongest men in that fucking city, without a doubt."
  — Bert Kreischer [62:37]

• The segment highlights Bert’s tendency for mythmaking and comic bravado, and how his family tempers him.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On Drewski’s “Whiteface” Comedy

• “That was fucking phenomenal. That was so good. A sunburn. A wife beater sunburn on a black guy is chef's kiss. It was so good.”
  — Bert [02:52]

• “He murdered it. Look at this. When she smokes out of his lap. You need to listen to your nana. Go ahead, baby.”
  — Bert [04:49]

On Modern Internet Stars

• “They have single handedly recreated entertainment.”
  — Bert [11:51]

• “I just don’t think they’re geniuses. I just think they’re, you know, right time, right place.”
  — Tom [11:35]

On Patriotism and Generational Change

• “I think today we have a culture… who would only do something selfless if they got credit for it.”
  — Bert [20:55]

• "Our life is. It's so nice. It's really great."
  — Tom [23:43]

On College Football and Fandom

• “It was so goddamn exciting. I mean it's why I love sports, and it's why I love college football."
  — Tom [42:22]

• “If I had to Groundhog Day one weekend, I'd do that weekend every day.”
  — Bert [42:32]

On the OnlyFans Pitch/Stunt

• “We're going to be an OnlyFans, content creators. Pimps.”
  — Tom [51:10]

• “There's a way to create an OnlyFans account that's very fun, that's interactive. That's not just like, hey, I want to watch you fuck this dude…”
  — Bert [56:07]

On Bert’s Strength and Family Challenge

• "I'm one of the strongest men in this fucking city."
  — Bert [61:38]

• "Well, no, it does mean something. It means that you're pretty strong, dude. You have a big back. You look like an ox, dude."
  — Tom [63:02]

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Timestamps for Important Segments

| Timestamp | Segment Topic | |-----------|--------------| | 00:43–12:28 | Drewski, whiteface, and comedic boundaries | | 14:26–16:49 | Ad reads (skipped) | | 16:49–23:43 | Generational views on patriotism and heroism | | 38:23–49:54 | Sports fandom and the Florida State experience | | 51:03–59:14 | OnlyFans management scheme | | 59:20–65:27 | Family tales: Bert’s armoire saga & family dynamics | | 65:52–67:29 | Upcoming tour dates, OnlyFans submissions, wrap-up |

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Closing Thoughts

This episode is a freewheeling, joke-strewn hour-plus that jumps from deeply personal moments (Bert's family, Tom's football suffering) to provocative riffs on race, comedy, fame, and modern culture. The hosts' chemistry shines as they egg each other on, reveal insecurities, and pitch wild new ventures, all in their signature, boundary-pushing comedic style. The energy and banter make even the wildest tangents compelling for diehard fans and newcomers alike.

Transcript

[Bert Kreischer]

100%.

[Tom Segura]

Welcome to another episode of Two Bears One Cave. We apologize, but we are back. Yes. We've reached out to Stavi and Chris and other people, and we'll see what their avails are, but for this week, it's us.

[Bert Kreischer]

We're so sorry, guys. We're so sorry. I feel so bad that you guys have to listen to us.

[Tom Segura]

I do, too. And you don't have to.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's the only thing a little hard this week because I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Cause I was like, well, there's a lot going on, but I was like, I'm going to bring in good talking points.

[Tom Segura]

Good talking points. Good energy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Good energy. We're starting with blackface.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Or not blackface. Whiteface. Drew Ski.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

We can talk about Drew Ski. We can talk about. Would you die for your country? Great conversation points right there. Us being only fans. Pimps. Great idea. Great idea.

[Tom Segura]

That's good. That's a good idea.

[Bert Kreischer]

We're going to talk about Florida State and. And how Leanne and I got into a huge fight moving Isla into college this past.

[Tom Segura]

Like, over the weekend.

[Bert Kreischer]

Over the weekend.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, that'd be. I'm very excited. I will say this. I got to tell you. There's certain, like, formats, mediums that people are just so good in.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Dude. Drew doing these sketches that he's been doing for a long time now.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

They're. He' so goddamn good at them.

[Bert Kreischer]

He is the future right now. If you're sitting on your couch going, I want to get into comedy, don't ask. Me and Tom, We're. We're dinosaurs. Which I'm not even sure we're real, but we're dinosaurs. Ask Druski.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that guy is like. I mean, I remember watching his tsa. If you've ever. If you ever checked out his. The way that he just throws himself into these things, and I remember asking him. I was like, he was a ts. He did the podcast.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, for real?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So was he good?

[Tom Segura]

He was great. Yeah, dude, he's. He's super engaging, super funny, really smart guy. But he was. He did the TSA one where he was like, why is it. Why are TSA like. Or, like, you know, the. Like, the wheelchair people at Atlanta Airport? Dude, he actually just went to the airport.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

Threw on an outfit and then was wheelchairing people who thought they could hire him. But, like, all while staying in character. He just nails this character and the world of it so well. And this latest one where he's at A NASCAR event. Dude, he's. It's. He's so funny. That guy's phenomenal.

[Bert Kreischer]

So wait. Okay, so first and foremost, I. I gotta be honest with you. The star of that is not Drew Ski. Yeah, the star. That is the person who did his hair and makeup.

[Tom Segura]

Well, yeah, that. It was.

[Bert Kreischer]

That was fucking phenomenal. That was so good. A sunburn. A wife beater sunburn on a black guy is chef's kiss. It was so good.

[Tom Segura]

Have you seen his, like, Roll Tide ones where he would go to the only. Like, he would go to Bama games and he would befriend, like, these hardcore Bama fans and especially this one guy that, you know I'm talking about. No, have you seen him do. Do. Do his.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm kind of late to Drew Ski. I'm. To be honest with you, this.

[Tom Segura]

This right here. Okay. When he was this guy, he made. He made a friend who didn't understand that guy didn't think he was black.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you serious?

[Tom Segura]

And he's not even in. He was just like, yeah, this dude's the best.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then.

[Tom Segura]

This guy thought that Drew Ski was just tan, like, and.

[Bert Kreischer]

And.

[Tom Segura]

And was like, openly, like, yeah, blacks. He had no idea. He had no idea. It's unbelievable.

[Bert Kreischer]

Were you so good? Were you waiting for Drew to drop an N bomb?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, of course. I think he does.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, he doesn't. He does something.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, no, not in that. I'm saying in the Roll Tide one.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no. In. In. In the Dask one. Oh, the NASCAR one. I mean, it really honestly had me sit up out of bed and think, like, think globally about it. He does something way worse than saying the N word. He spits on a black guy and says, boy, are you lost.

[Tom Segura]

What?

[Bert Kreischer]

To a black guy? And it was. That was like. That was crazy. That's. I think that's. I mean, this is just great. Role, character, role playing. He's calling people memaw. He's got them sitting on a lap smoking cigarettes.

[Tom Segura]

No, he's nailing it, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

He murdered it. Look at this. When she smokes out of his lap. You need to listen to your nana. Go ahead, baby.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, he first for sure. Just met this woman.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes. Like.

[Tom Segura]

He could bang her. I would love if that was the next video.

[Bert Kreischer]

That is nothing. Hey, Mimaw. How you doing, baby? All right, this is where it comes up.

[Tom Segura]

He knows exactly how to gas these people up.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

What race? NASCAR race. You going to nascar, sir?

[Tom Segura]

A little bit.

[Bert Kreischer]

You ain't lost, is you? No, I'm Good. I'm going to the race, sir. Sure about that? Yes, sir. Horrible. Find something safe to do, boy. Just scare the. Out of a black guy. As a black guy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. That's amazing. Look at that hair, bro.

[Bert Kreischer]

He looks. He looks like a white guy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. No, they did a great job, bro.

[Bert Kreischer]

They did a great job. Yeah. Bring on the truth, baby. Oh, that would go. All right.

[Tom Segura]

This is a. We can't just watch.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, so wait. So wait. So wait. Here's the question, Tom. Okay, here's the question. He is ultimately. He went undercover. He went full Donnie Brasco.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

How long could you go in total blackface and get away with it?

[Tom Segura]

That's a good question, man. Like, I think part of it was, like, how loud of a character are you? You know what I mean?

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, yeah, you could be like a fly on the wall black guy. But, like, that's an important.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, but are you going to be. Are you going to be the life of the room the way he is here? Because he could stay in that for a week and nobody would know.

[Bert Kreischer]

No one would know.

[Tom Segura]

If he would. No one would know. You think you could do that in a black makeup and in a black room and be loud? Like, be attention seeking?

[Bert Kreischer]

If I was in a room full of Asians that didn't speak their native tongue, I could do it in yellowface.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, you think so?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah. I'm good with chopsticks, and I think I'd fit in pretty good. I, like, I know enough.

[Tom Segura]

This is an Asian room.

[Bert Kreischer]

Asian room. But they have. They don't know that. They don't know how to speak their native tongue. Right.

[Tom Segura]

So they only speak English.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right, right.

[Tom Segura]

And then you would pretend to speak Mandarin or something?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no, no, no. I would just go in and fit in as an Asian American. I could do that.

[Tom Segura]

So you just. You just speak the way you speak, basically.

[Bert Kreischer]

Speak the way I speak. Yeah. There's no difference. And then I think with.

[Tom Segura]

With top tier makeup, you could pull it off.

[Bert Kreischer]

Top tier makeup. I could pull off Asian face. I could not pull off brown face. Like, Mexican face and black face. In a small group, I could.

[Tom Segura]

With other black. Like, there's other black dudes who are like, it's got.

[Bert Kreischer]

I got to pick the group. I can't just do it with, like. Like, I bet I could do it if it was like, Chappelle Donell, Earthquake, and, like. And I was. Yeah, I think I could.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because I know them well enough to know what subjects to steer from, you know?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Like, would you go, would you justify heavy N bomb usage just to like hit in.

[Bert Kreischer]

You can't be a black guy, not use the N word. It's the best word they say.

[Tom Segura]

And then at the end they'd be like, hey, you know, you said you'd be like, ah. Being one of y'.

[Bert Kreischer]

All. I can't. The word I'd get excited to use the most would be Word.

[Tom Segura]

Just word. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're like, say something to me. Say something to me. Like, hey, man, I like you. What you're wearing.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I really, I really dig what you're wearing, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

Word. See? Close your eyes.

[Tom Segura]

That felt.

[Bert Kreischer]

Close your eyes, Close your eyes. Okay, do it again.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, man, it's. It's been hot as out here, hadn't it?

[Bert Kreischer]

Word. Here, do it. Do it back to me. See if you can do it. Okay, okay. Did you see the ass on that?

[Tom Segura]

A word?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, you do it better. You do a better black voice.

[Tom Segura]

But then there's people who like that are just like, you know who I'm talking about? That guy, the, the comic that did the, that does the. God, I always. His name's Josh. That does the. Morgan Freeman.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh yeah, dude, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, bro. Oh my God.

[Tom Segura]

He's fully like a chameleon.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, like, okay, why?

[Tom Segura]

Because people do that experiment and just, it would just live in it.

[Bert Kreischer]

There's a guy, there's a guy that we had on. On. Something's burning.

[Tom Segura]

Pull up that name for me. So I don't.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I got one way better Tom. I got one way better Josh Robert Thompson.

[Tom Segura]

That's his name.

[Bert Kreischer]

But he can only do Morgan Freeman. You need. No, like, you can't have him sit down with.

[Tom Segura]

No, he could, he can do more.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, for real?

[Tom Segura]

Oh yeah, yeah. We've traded voices.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. He's a 10 out of 10 dude. It's incredible.

[Bert Kreischer]

So why. Here's what I don't understand. What type of human is offended by the Drew Ski thing? Because they're trying to cancel him. But like, is it what? So like the alt right loves Drew Ski.

[Tom Segura]

Uh huh.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like the alt right. I think Drew Ski is like a Trump supporter. So like the alt right? I think so.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, Drew Ski, the man, the guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

There's a lot of black dudes that.

[Tom Segura]

Are Trump supporters is he's an outspoke. You're just going to label him as that without knowing?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know. I don't fucking know.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is your next answer anyone that's good on the Internet? Really likes Trump, I think.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Bert Kreischer]

Drew Ski vote. Did Drew support Trump?

[Tom Segura]

Okay, let's look it up.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean he looks like a Trump supporter in this video.

[Tom Segura]

Well, yeah, I mean that character does word a word.

[Bert Kreischer]

So, so, but, but I like he's, you know, it's, he's in that universe. I mean that universe is by the way, the most brilliant universe that ever existed in the entire world. The group that is Kai Sonat and Drewski and Aiden Ross and Jack Dougherty and all these streamers, who are you calling them?

[Tom Segura]

The most brilliant people in the history of the world.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do they make. How much does Kot make? How much did Kai.

[Tom Segura]

I don't care what they make. I don't say like buddy, can you.

[Bert Kreischer]

What a cheap code. The guy. Yeah, I mean the guy's figured out how to make, make $160 million a year.

[Tom Segura]

What?

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, he makes more money than like they're making crazy money.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, no, that's awesome. I just don't, I don't think they're geniuses. I just think they're, you know, right time, right place. Yeah, I mean like kudos to them. I, I'm happy for them that they're doing that well and they found their audience got 43 million followers. That's great.

[Bert Kreischer]

But I mean I like when you look at that like they've, they've, they have single handedly recreated entertainment.

[Tom Segura]

I mean it's a new, yeah, it's a whole new format. It's why, it's why that, you know, people don't want to watch. Hey, can we sing a song in my car? Like as a, as a bit. Because they just go like that's, that's less entertaining than what these guys can do for sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean Andrewski is good friends with Kai Sonat, I think.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, those guys all kind of.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they're funny as shit. Like when they do their live streams. Now listen, I'm not going to watch the whole four hour live stream or whatever, but their clips are fucking hysterical.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, they definitely tapped into something. It's awesome. Probably inspired a bunch of people to try it too.

[Bert Kreischer]

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[Tom Segura]

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[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, think about it, Think about it. Think about it. I'm thinking, every child out there, they want to be a streamer, they want to be a gamer, they want to be a streamer, they want to be a YouTuber, they want to have an Instagram.

[Tom Segura]

That's true.

[Bert Kreischer]

So. And no one has. No one has the thing where you look up to an American hero where you're like, hey, man, I want to join the military. Like, our military. Our military enlistment is down so drastically from, like, just 1980. It's so minuscule how many people enlist in the military or sign up for the military. It's crazy. And when you look at it, it's like. It's like the Internet's changed everything. No one does. This is why I said, this is why I pose this to you. Okay. And we'll go back to Drewski in a second. Would you die for our country? Answer honestly.

[Tom Segura]

Would I die for our country?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Right now.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no, no, no. Don't. Don't start. Would you die for our country? I mean, you're taking a long time.

[Tom Segura]

No, because I'm trying to think. I'm trying to answer you, like, in a thoughtful way. It's not. I don't. I go, like. I'm thinking in Terms of the fact that like there's, there's a, A, a need to defend this country. Like that falls all the way down to a middle aged dad. You know what I mean? Like, that's what I'm trying to think.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, let me, let me paraphrase. Let me, let me go, Let me frame it in an easier way for you to think about it. Never once have we ever had to defend our land. Okay, so no one who's ever died for our country was defending our land other than the guys in the plane in United993 or whatever that, you know, storm the cockpit. That's different. I'm talking about, I'm watching these World War II docs in color.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, they're amazing.

[Bert Kreischer]

And you're, and you're seeing them on Iwo Jima where they felt like they were fighting the island. And you got a dude who's I guess 32 at the time, maybe 28, telling a 20 year old, get in that hole and see if there are any Asians in it. And the dude doesn't have a right to say no because it's a military. And so he just gets in the hole and he dies. Would you do that for our country?

[Tom Segura]

I think if I was called upon to do it, I would do it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, ask me the question. No.

[Tom Segura]

Would you die for.

[Bert Kreischer]

Nope. No, I'm being honest. I mean, dead honest. Like there's, and I mean that as an, as a compliment to everyone in the military is that I don't have the thing they got.

[Tom Segura]

I'm not trying to say that I'm a hero. What I was trying to say is that I have done nothing but benefit from all the privileges provided by being an American citizen and never having been asked to do anything like that. And if it were like, if this country that we know and the life that we know were threatened and they go, we need you, I think I would go ahead and just do it. But I also probably, honestly, I think I kind of just romanticize that idealized version of myself because my dad was a Marine.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

And so I go like, oh, I'd want to do. Because my dad would want me to do that. I'd want to do it. Like, and like if you right now today were like, here's the thing, go. I'd probably be like, can I go home for a minute?

[Bert Kreischer]

How do I get out of this? Your dad, your dad said at a.

[Tom Segura]

Very young, just signed up, said, I.

[Bert Kreischer]

Will, I want, I will die for this country. I don't have my Kid yet. I'm not doing it for any noble. I'm not defending anybody. I'm doing it because it's the right thing to do. And those. Everyone who signs up for Generation. Yeah, even Kyle, who doesn't know how to use the word, et cetera. Kyle, my assistant, he signed up for the military. And we were in the car after watching a bunch of these docs, and I said, would you die for this country? And without a fucking blink in his eye, he went, yeah, absolutely. That's what I. Obviously I signed up for it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, you signed up for it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I would never if. Unless I could get credit. Which is where this Kyot and Druski shows up, right?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Pete, I think today we have a culture. Myself included. Myself included. Who would only do something selfless if they got credit for it.

[Tom Segura]

That is not a shock.

[Bert Kreischer]

Me or else about you.

[Tom Segura]

You've been very open about how much you want recognition for things like gestures and whatnot. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

But I think that's. I think that's indicative of. Of our culture. Our. Our culture worldwide right now. Like, if I, like if I said to your dad, right? If I said to your dad, hey, do you know anybody paddling across the Atlantic right now? Your dad would have said no. So who. Who would ever do that? Yeah. If I said to Zolo. Zolo, can you find me someone paddling across the Atlantic right now? He'll find five people live streaming them paddling across the Atlantic, Right. For no reason at all. No, there's. They just want the glory. They just want the fame. They just want.

[Tom Segura]

And by the way, very likely that you'll die.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Oh, yeah, very likely.

[Tom Segura]

It's more likely to die doing that.

[Bert Kreischer]

How many people are paddling across the Atlantic right now? Look at this. Look at this. There's so many people rowing across the Atlantic, you know, And. And you're like. And so you're like, okay. So that glory they're looking for, your dad said, I don't know what that is yet, but I'm willing to give my life for this country so that when I come home, I don't know, I'm. That's where I'm like, lost in this whole fucking. You know, like, the children these days just don't.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And by the way, I am guilty of it too. And I grew up respecting our military. Like, I didn't enlist when I was. I was there for the Iraq war. I was there for 9, 11.

[Tom Segura]

We also have it much easier, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

Way easier.

[Tom Segura]

We just had. This is an easier if you're a citizen of this country from birth from. For the last 20, 30, 40 plus years, you're like, yeah, your life has been. It's pretty. I don't mean that, like, everyone's circumstances are easy. I'm just saying that, like, we don't feel the threat of invasion. Like, you know, all those things feel very always distant to us. We haven't. We have it Kush here for sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

Isn't that crazy?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, it is.

[Bert Kreischer]

Isn't it crazy just how much more kush your life was than your dad's? Like, just that.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, for sure, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

And definitely. And then go back. Let's go back 200 years.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God.

[Bert Kreischer]

It almost doesn't seem fair that we get like Adirondack chairs and cigars and they had to, like, in the streets.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah. No, it's a total. It's our life is. It's so nice. It's really great.

[Bert Kreischer]

So nice.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. If you imagine being alive in 1825.

[Bert Kreischer]

The house is living in.

[Tom Segura]

If you were born, then you would definitely have been in the Civil War, which would suck.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So much. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

That would have sucked so bad. Can you imagine fighting in the Civil War when you, like, you got ostracized if you didn't.

[Tom Segura]

And also. And a thousand percent, you would have been a Confederate.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I would have. So would you.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah. I was a northerner, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, you would have come down and by the time you were fighting age, we would have been both fighting for the team that lost.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know. I think I would have stayed in the North. I think I would have been like, I don't support what's going on down there.

[Bert Kreischer]

I would have been like, listen, this isn't about slavery. This is about cotton.

[Tom Segura]

Bayonet them. Yeah, yeah. You'd be like, yeah, we need our cotton.

[Bert Kreischer]

First of all, I would have taken all my slaves and I would have dressed them up like Druski, and I would have taken them to the fucking.

[Tom Segura]

Battlefield free, you guys. Yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'd have been like, come on, man, let's go, guys. And they're like, sure thing, Bert.

[Tom Segura]

How do they talk?

[Bert Kreischer]

Sure. No, because I'd white face them.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, right, right. So they would be like, sure thing, boss. Yeah, yeah. You'd be like, don't call me that. I'm Bert. We're the same. We're people.

[Bert Kreischer]

Guys, wait.

[Tom Segura]

Oh.

[Bert Kreischer]

There's a premise I have in my head that I should just save for stage the. No, I think Drew Ski should do other Cultures, too. Because he's whites. No, whites is easy. It's punching up. It's like. You know the phrase don't hate the player, hate the game.

[Tom Segura]

Right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, if the player creates a game, you can hate the player and the game.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, okay. Where are we going with this?

[Bert Kreischer]

So do you remember, like. Do you remember, like, going to, like, your rich kid's friend's house as a kid and like, hey, we play a game in the pool. It's called nukem ball. And you're like, okay, how do you play? And he's like, okay, ball can't touch the water. If you get. The ball touches water, we have to throw it at your ass. And you're like, okay, cool. And then his ball hit the water. You're like, turn around. He goes, no, no, no, no. You get three tries. And you're like, wait, you just changed the game. He's like, yeah, that's how. That's white people. We just changed. We created the game, then we keep changing it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

So it's. It's hard. It's hard to. I mean, it's like. It's hard for anyone to get mad when you make fun of white people because it's like, you gotta.

[Tom Segura]

No. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's what Drew Ski's real challenge should be, to really upset white people.

[Tom Segura]

Take it. Take it up a notch.

[Bert Kreischer]

Take it up a notch. And really, like, that would be art. That's art.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. He's. He's great at this, man. I'm. I'm. Sup. I think he's so fucking funny. By the way, huge congrats to Cam Patterson.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh.

[Tom Segura]

So in Austin. He's obviously on stage a lot, and. And, you know, he does kill Tony, and he's so funny. And he's. He just. He just got named one of the new cast members of snl. So that's. That's really cool, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

That is a. That is one black person who will never be able to do blackface or whiteface.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, he's. Oh. Because he's so black.

[Bert Kreischer]

We played Wordle together one time.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I've never laughed harder. You know, his. His got a very thick accent.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's like, what the fuck is this? And I was like, it's wordle. And he's like, huh? You gotta guess a letter. I guess a word that's five letters. And ultimately you gotta figure out what the word is. He's like, okay. And so his first guess was three. And I was like, that's not a great guess because you have used e twice. He goes, why? And I was like, because you want to try to use the diversity. He goes, I couldn't think of any five letter words. His next guess was these. And I was like, cam, you're. So none of those letters showed up, so you're using four of those. You're only changing out one letter, so it's not like you're. He's like, I'm having a hard time guessing five letter words. It was the hardest we've laughed. And then the next word was the N word, I think.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I was like, are you using a sentence? These three. What? He is. He is authentic. That guy is. And his dad is the sweetest guy in the world.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I took him on tour with me for a little bit, and his dad came out with us. His scam was like, yo, is it cool? My dad comes? I was like, yeah, his dad's my age. We both have high blood pressure issues. We're both checking our sugars. I hung out with his dad the whole time when we ate healthy.

[Tom Segura]

That's great, man. Well, I, I.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's.

[Tom Segura]

He's gonna make me tune in. I really want to watch. Like, he's. He's. Yes, Cam is that. He's just a naturally funny dude. I'm. I'm super excited for him, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you know he. Who he reminds me of that's on the show?

[Tom Segura]

Who.

[Bert Kreischer]

Whose very funny but authentic voice is Marcelo? Is that his name? Marcelo? Marcelo is the Latin kid. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, he's very funny.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's fucking hysterical. Marcelo Hernandez. Yeah, he's great. He's great, too. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. We've all done it before. Turn into our barista, our hairdresser. Just a random stranger in the bathroom for life advice, as fun as they are to talk with about everyday topics. When you're looking for help about either your relationships, your anxiety, depression, or other clinical issues, they may not have all the right answers. Instead, get guidance from a licensed therapist online with better help. I have done it. I've done it. When I started getting anxiety, I talked to everyone about it. No one knew what the hell they were talking. I remember one person was like, nyquil. I was like, really? And I went after nyquil pretty aggressively. And then I went to talk to someone else and like, oh, have you ever heard of a behavioral. What is it? Behavior? Cbt. And I was like, no, that's why you talk to a therapist. With over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform. Having served over 5 million people globally, it is convenient as well. You can join a session with the therapist at the click of a button, helping you fit therapy into your busy life and not vice versa. Plus, switch therapists at any time. As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of Expertise. Find the one with better help. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com bears that's better. H E L p.com/bears. What does the future hold for businesses? Ask nine experts and you'll get 10 answers. Bull market, Bear market. Can someone please invent a crystal ball? Well, until then, over 42,000 businesses have future proofed their business with NetSuite by Oracle. The number one AI Cloud ERP. Bringing accounting, financial management, inventory, HR into one fluid platform. With one unified business management suite. There's one source of truth giving you the visibility and control you need to make quick decisions. With real time insights and forecasting, you're peering into the future with actionable data. When you're closing the books in days, not weeks, you're spending less time looking backwards and more time on what's next. Whether your company is earning millions or even hundreds of millions, NetSuite helps you respond to immediate challenges and seize your biggest opportunities. Let me tell you something. Running a business can be absolutely overwhelming. Tape it from a guy who should not be running a business, but with NetSuite it is a no brainer. Speaking of opportunity, download the CFO's Guide to AI and Machine Learning at netsuite.com bears the guide's free to you at netsuite.com/bears netsuite.com bears I think they got a lot of talent on this show right now.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's really cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

Where did he play? Junior college. Where'd he play junior college at John Carroll Athletics.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. What do you play? Let me guess. Soccer. Did he?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yep. Do you think you could do brown face Tom?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, of course.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like if, like if they put you in like cholo gear.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, 1,000%.

[Bert Kreischer]

You think you could hang out with the fools?

[Tom Segura]

I mean that's a very specific, like, that's a real specific lane. So I would have to do like a little more research. Research. But if you were just like be a Latino guy and, and have your skin darkened and all this stuff. Yeah, 100% I could do that.

[Bert Kreischer]

I couldn't do that.

[Tom Segura]

I could fool everybody doing that.

[Bert Kreischer]

I bet I could do. I wonder if I could do Irish. It's a safe one.

[Tom Segura]

But that. It's safe. But you would. It would be hilarious. That's why you should do it. Because people be like, what is up with this dude's accent? If they made you totally ginger, yeah, that would be great.

[Bert Kreischer]

I say we do that. I'll go full ginger, red hair. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Give us a little t. Give us a little taste of the Irish accent.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey. Hey. All right. Hey. It's good. See you. Hey, hang on. Top of the morning. I gotta talk like dice.

[Tom Segura]

You know what? Maybe you could do it that. If you're just like the Village drunk who mumbles.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I will. I'll tell you what. Let's put a bet how. Okay, let's do a bet. Okay. Do you have any European tour dates coming up?

[Tom Segura]

No, I already did Europe, and my tour is about to end.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think I have Europe coming up in the. In the. In the. In the next year.

[Tom Segura]

I'm not going to tour again ever.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know you're not. You're not. Well, you're not going to tour ever again. And I'm. I will bet money on that. You're not going to tour ever again.

[Tom Segura]

Ever again.

[Bert Kreischer]

You will not.

[Tom Segura]

I'll never do dates.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no. You'll do sporadic dates at casinos here. Big money grabs, but you're not going to do a tour the way we. The way my tour right now. Permission to Party world tour starts October 19th in Rockford, Illinois, October 1st at Red Rocks. And I will do that for the rest of my life because I like that more than other things. Okay, I don't like things. Yeah. Look at these tour dates. Duluth, Minnesota. Eugene, Oregon. Morrison, Colorado. Salt Lake City, Idaho. Falls, Napa, Nampa, Yamaka, Lincoln. Just go to Burt. Burt.com. that's how you know you're not getting a tickets from the scalpers to burber.com. but I will tour for the rest of my life.

[Tom Segura]

Can I tell you, by the way? What I just. I was looking at dates. You know, sometimes you're surprised. You're, like, expecting, like, yeah, I hope it's a good show. And then you're just so blown away by it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

The Moda center in Portland.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Last year when I did it. That's one of the most fun shows I've ever done.

[Bert Kreischer]

Am I doing that?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, really?

[Tom Segura]

On October 12th?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I'm doing. I think I'm going secret time. I'm gonna have tour dates coming up in January that I'll announce soon, but I think I'M gonna go back to theaters.

[Tom Segura]

I'm doing them right now to prepare for the taping because I believe you do. You should practice in the venue that you're taping in.

[Bert Kreischer]

I will.

[Tom Segura]

I notice that, I noticed that it's such a pivot right now from like for the last year and a half, we did arenas and then we went to theaters last week and I was like, oh, it is definitely a timing difference. The flow of the show, it is completely different. So I'm, I'm happy that I'm doing it because the taping isn't one. And I think you should always tee up if you're gonna tape in this in the venue that you're doing that in, you know.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, we signed up for this one, this, you know, fall tour of Permission to party. And I just was, I wasn't even thinking. I was like, yeah, let's do arenas again. Because I love them. I do love arenas.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I think there's, I think there's something to be said for doing arenas and doing a Netflix special because all the energy is on the screen. That's all people look at. But what, what I realized is I don't have as much ramp up time as I did before, so I have to get ready in half the time.

[Tom Segura]

So I'm taping another.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm taping another one. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

In.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know, next year. Yeah, in 2026, I think. And so I have pretty quick. I know. And so I have to, I have to do double the shows. So I was like, I can't do arenas because if you do readings, they go, all right, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Wednesday and Sunday are not packed because it's an arena. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Thursday. So maybe, maybe it's good. And you never know. Friday and Saturday, your hot shows. And I was like, yo, you can do theaters, do Wednesday, two shows, Thursday, two shows, Friday, two shows, Saturday, two shows, Sunday, two shows. And then I can get double the reps in. And I went and, and taking 15 months off was the greatest thing I ever did for my stand up.

[Tom Segura]

That's great.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's. I'm so much happier with.

[Tom Segura]

Were you really off?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

That long?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, 15 months.

[Tom Segura]

Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And then I'm happy to announce that I'll never tour again.

[Bert Kreischer]

You'll never tour again. I'm telling you right now, you. Because you're killing it on such a different level in parts of the business that you are as well interested in.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, well, I don't know.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, we'll See, no, no, I mean, I'm. Trust me, I say this as an outsider. What, did you get picked up? Bad. Bad Thoughts got picked up within a week of it premiering?

[Tom Segura]

No, it was a few. It was like a month, really. A month? Yeah, it was a month.

[Bert Kreischer]

But you have bad thoughts. You just did a movie. I know you have other stuff lined up, and I think that you're going to get caught up in that. And I think. I think your mom's house is going to. I think it's going to get very big, and you're going to have your production arm where you're just making movies and TV shows, and then you'll have the podcast arm. But I think, you know, I think. I don't know, I could get deep in this, but I think podcasting is. Is inundated. I think there's a lot of people doing podcasts right now, and it's something that you've done and you've kind of. You've kind of gotten to the top of the mountain at, you know, and you. You've. You've. Have now one of the biggest podcast companies out there. I think you're. I think you're always going to be interested in the challenge, and so that's why I really see you kind of veering away from stand up. I bet you'll do this next special, you'll take a huge fucking break, and then you'll sign up for one for, like, $20 million over at Hulu. Cool.

[Tom Segura]

Hey, man, from your mouth to God's ears. Thanks. We'll see how it goes. Bro, did we talk about. No, we haven't talked about on the podcast how fun FSU was, did we?

[Bert Kreischer]

No. Oh, my God.

[Tom Segura]

There's something. Listen, I've always told people. There's people who kind of like, casually follow sports, there's people who don't follow sports, and then there's sports lovers. I will always say that there is no point of being a fan if you're not emotionally invested in a team. Like, you just have to be emotionally because. And. And here's what's important. It's important that you suffer. That's part of it. You have to suffer if you're a fan. When fsu. Like, I've been a football fan, and I've been an FSU fan for. Since I was probably like 8 or 9 years old. Right. That's when I started to get into, like, football. And. And you're. Yeah. You're following it as a kid. And the reason I was for sure drawn to this team as a kid was because they were dominant. So it's like, as a kid, you're just like, you. They're winning, they're beating people. You're like, that's my team. It's like, you know, it's like being a fan of, like, Superman. You're like, this is. This is who I like. And so I. I got all that fun of the late 80s through the 90s, and I was like, this is how it'll always be. And then into the 2000s, you know, I. I experienced, like, the first time, heartbreak and, like, sadness and frustration. And then it got even to the point where it was like, I would dissociate when they were bad. Like, I would actually stop watching college football. Like, I would only get it peripherally because that's how much it bothered me when they weren't doing well. And then I got the resurgence of the Jimbo Fisher teams, where you were like, this is what I signed up for. And, like, the excitement. And we went to that national championship game and I was over the moon. And then I remember almost breaking a television in a hotel room when they lost the Oregon game the next year, and they played terribly in this game. I remember, like, Jameis fumbling, and I was just losing my mind. And that's part of it. But one of the things that is so fun in sports, and I think particularly in college football, is being an underdog at home, especially to, like, kick off a season where they're bringing in the Goliath of college football. And everybody's like, you're going to get your ass kicked today. Everybody's like that. And you're at home and there's 80,000 people, and you're like, man, like the. In the atmosphere.

[Bert Kreischer]

And your.

[Tom Segura]

Your part of you is like, yeah, I understand why they're saying that. I mean, the team was. It's just deplorably bad last year and they were 2 in 10. It was just like, what is this? Right? And I. I did dissociate in parts of the year. I just couldn't. I was like, this is un. Believable. This is happening. But to be in that atmosphere and have that energy, and then my friend does the pregame speech, which was just completely insane. And we're there and we're on the field, we're with the coaches. We're, like, dapping up players. And, like. And then you. To actually see, you're like, what's going to happen? Because, like, Bama scored and you're like, ah, fuck. This could be. This could be bad. But to see them bounce back and to have defensive stops and then to actually move the ball, be able to score, and you could feel the momentum growing, and just being around people who were just like, that's like, just. There's those guys in the suite that were like, ain't no tide rolling in this. Like, just yelling that. And you could feel the energy just picking up. And seeing them win that game, it was so goddamn exciting. I mean, it's why I love sports, and it's why I love college football. It was the best.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was. It was one of the funnest. It's. I said. I said to Leanne, if I. If I had to Groundhog Day one weekend, I'd do that weekend every day.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, dude. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was so great. Top to bottom, it was like. It was so nice, you know? I don't know. Everything was great. That fucking speech. I couldn't have done it without you and Kirk, because they gave me. I mean, just so we're all clear, like, they gave me a script of, you know, what direction it should go in, and I was cool with that. I think it was very helpful, you know?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

But then you and Kirk were, like, just getting in my ear. You're like, dude, fuck it. Let emotion take over. Yeah, yeah, just fucking go. Just go wild.

[Tom Segura]

That's the time to do it. Yeah. It was fantastic, man. It was so great.

[Bert Kreischer]

The pop. When I said. The pop. When I said. Because it's true is I. You know, I didn't. I didn't know anything about. I didn't know anything about community or anything or, like. Or, like, what it's like to have a team, because we were. We were Bucks fans growing up, and I liked Florida State, and I wanted to go to Florida State by. And I followed it during Dion, but I wasn't, like, crazy about college football until I got to Florida State. And my dad said, buddy, that. Let me tell you something. You're about to experience something that's so precious. Like, not a lot of places have this. And you get to get to go to a college where college football is king. And he's like. And Bobby Bowden's a coach, and he goes, when you see them throw that spear. And I was 18 years old. I didn't even know what he was talking about. I remember sitting in that end zone when there were wooden bleachers back. This is 1991, and they had just slowly renovated Dote Campbell. They had just done, like, the away sidelines, I think and man, I. When that spear went into that Seminole head, I started crying and I didn't know why. I wasn't like, I am today where I cry nonstop for nothing. Like I cried for real. I was an 18 year old kid, a pledge around a bunch of attorney brothers and I had to hide it and I had not planned on saying that. And when I said when I cried, those tears came out. Garnet Gold. The place just went, go. And I went, oh, fuck. 70,000 people cheering was like crazy.

[Tom Segura]

I know. And now I've been on the field, on the field twice when Osceola comes on and like they took us out.

[Bert Kreischer]

They took us out to the Seminole head.

[Tom Segura]

It's insane. Yeah, it was, it was so. It was. I mean, thank you to Michael Alford and everybody.

[Bert Kreischer]

Michael and Laura, thank you so much. Thank you to the President and his lovely wife and. And it was awesome. Thank you to bar none, William Floyd, to Danny Canel, to. To work done. How, how, how dear in the headlights was work done? When he saw me, yeah, he was.

[Tom Segura]

Just like, why is there a homeless guy here? And then, and then like, thank God Danny Canelo's like, no, it's okay. Don't be scared. He's allowed to be here. He didn't sneak in.

[Bert Kreischer]

He was terrified. He was terrified.

[Tom Segura]

What is going on? Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I had no, he had no recollection of sitting next to me at graduation.

[Tom Segura]

Dude, I almost tripped out when, when the, when the coaches, coaches ran on and they were like dapping us up.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

One by one. Like all the, the, the, the staff, basically. I didn't realize that Ernie Sims was there. Like he's one of. He was in. I was just like, yeah. I didn't know he was on the coaching staff. I didn't know that fucking Peter Warwick was there. We went up when he was. He was on the field.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh yeah, dude. Yeah, it was a who's who.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it was, it was, it was.

[Bert Kreischer]

Lit that day when they had that one big touchdown score. It was a tied game and then we pulled ahead. I was in the middle of changing shirts and you know what I have.

[Tom Segura]

To do as a next tour? I got a fucking. Because I love college football and the atmosphere so much, I need to just do a tour where I go and I do a show Friday in towns and have Saturday off and just go and just do like, you know, Ole Miss, lsu, Ohio State, Notre Dame, like just do all the big schools and go to gay. I think I would have an absolute blast doing that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Put me on that Tour, because that would be fun. We could put a group of guys. We could put a group of guys on that tour that like college football. Me, you, Gillis, and we just do Friday night. I'll go see the game Saturday.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right. What? What? Okay, top. So 10 places to go watch a game that you've never watched a game. I've never watched a game anywhere. So I have, like.

[Tom Segura]

Well, yeah, that'd be. I mean. So I would love to see a game. I'd love to see a game in the Big House in Michigan.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

I would love to see a game, you know, at Ohio State. Horseshoe. I would love to see a game at Notre Dame.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

Never seen a game there. I would love to see a game at Virginia Tech in Blacksburg, because that atmosphere is fucking legendary and bananas. I would love to see a Texas A and M game, which is, like. It's very doable. It's not that far. It's just that, like, you have to have an open Saturday. You know, we're always working on Saturdays, espec. Like in the fall. I. I almost never have Saturdays off, so that would be one. I would love to go to a game at in Gainesville. I would love to go to the Swamp.

[Bert Kreischer]

I've been to the Swamp. Swamp's pretty intense.

[Tom Segura]

I bet that would be fun. Lsu.

[Bert Kreischer]

LSU at night.

[Tom Segura]

Clemson.

[Bert Kreischer]

I want to go to Penn State.

[Tom Segura]

1. That would be a whiteout game. Incredible.

[Bert Kreischer]

It'd be incredible.

[Tom Segura]

I did go. I saw a game a couple years ago. I went to a Wisconsin game. It was Ohio State at Wisconsin Camp Randall, which was fucking awesome. That was an incredible atmosphere. Yeah. I'm trying to think.

[Bert Kreischer]

I've been to Clemson, and I'll never go back to that fucking stadium. Really the hottest place I've ever been in my entire life. I've never. And I grew up in Florida. That was the hottest experience of my fucking light a. I was pouring waters over my head. I felt like I was in a sauna.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's. That's rough. I used to go to Orange bowl games all the time, like Miami games, because we were closer to it, but I'd never been to where they play now.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I want to go to. I want to go to Ole Miss.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

Ole Miss or Tennessee.

[Tom Segura]

I've been. I've been to Ole Miss games, and I've never been to 10. You know where. I also would love to see a game. Fucking Eugene, Oregon.

[Bert Kreischer]

I've been to a few of those games.

[Tom Segura]

That seems like a lot of fun, buddy.

[Bert Kreischer]

That you know what? The stadium's not that big. Google how big their stadium is.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it's like 55.

[Bert Kreischer]

55. It's not that big of a stadium, but there's a moment where. Because, you know, that's where Animal house was filmed.

[Tom Segura]

54,000.

[Bert Kreischer]

54,000. That's where animal House was filmed. And so one of the songs they sing, and it is the most. The most musical place you've ever watched the game. But one of the songs I sing is a little bit louder now, but when they go a little bit softer now, the whole stadium is in a whisper. The whole. You could hear a dime drop. And then it changes a little bit louder now. It is. That place is fucking incredible.

[Tom Segura]

If I had it open, I would go next. I would go Saturday to watch a game there. That's how appealing that is to me.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's. It's. That's one of the most. And that team is fucking great.

[Tom Segura]

It's like, it's showtime. It's always showtime there. They're always fucking lighting it up. It's fun to watch.

[Bert Kreischer]

God. All right, let's. Let's try to plan. We had tried to do that a little bit this year, but your schedule was crazy. My schedule was crazy, and we couldn't do it.

[Tom Segura]

We also. We should point something out. So we have our bets coming up, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

So while I'm in Ohio and you're in Illinois, we're both going to bet the spread on our teams up until October 19th, because that's as far as DraftKings will let us go.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

And then we'll see where things are after that. And then we'll take our, you know, whatever, hopefully our winnings, and be able to decide what we're going to do. And then we'll have to have contestants participate, like, after that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

On whether, you know, how much they love you or how much they hate you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, by the way, you don't need to DM me and say, can you please get me in? To be one of the people that hate you. I hate you so much. And then I'm like, thanks, man. He's like, you have no idea. You have no idea. The only reason I follow your channel is to just. It makes me crazy angry. Awesome, man.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. How are we gonna. Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can I. Can I. Okay. So that's our deal, right?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. Now can I pitch you our million dollar idea?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You ready for this?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Me and you are going to pimp an OnlyFans page.

[Tom Segura]

We're going to pimp so we're going to be an only fans, content creators. Pimps.

[Bert Kreischer]

Pimps. Or managers or producers, whatever. But pimps is a more accurate word. What we're going to do is we're going to find someone, a fan of ours who has no onlyfam presence at all. Like, very little. I say none. I'd say none.

[Tom Segura]

Well, none. Well, that means, like, do they have a channel? You got to have someone that's.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think. I think it's better if we take. We take a. A virgin flower.

[Tom Segura]

Someone who's like, I've not even thought of doing this.

[Bert Kreischer]

And we're like, you should be able to do this. And. And go. And go. Let's. Because, I mean, okay, we can take a porn star and just pimp her out and just. I guess more people go see her. No, but I'm someone who's got like a low key presence. Find.

[Tom Segura]

I think a low key presence, okay? I think it's somebody who's already doing it, okay? So that you're not like, going, like, you should sell your bot. Like, they should be already doing it, okay?

[Bert Kreischer]

So we'll take a low key presence, okay? And then we will simply manage their account, okay? We will help them build a.

[Tom Segura]

Promote the shit out of them.

[Bert Kreischer]

Promote the shit out of them. But we take. We take a very small cut, okay? Now, my original pitch was to Rachel, who worked in my Works in my office, my original pitch. And it got shut down by every woman in here. And I had a fucking fight about how this is a content house and this is fucking different than everything you fucking know. I am so tired, Tom, of women talking to me like they're fucking.

[Tom Segura]

You know what it's like equals. I get it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you know what? Can I. Okay, hang on. What I said to Rachel was. And this was just, we're on a podcast. We're going to have to edit it out because someone got uncomfortable, by the way, they're listening to this downstairs and they're fucking getting uncomfortable again. Someone got uncomfortable. Not Rachel. Not Rachel. Not Rachel. I said, what's your. What's your price point for me to buy your only fans? Where? Like. Like, what would be like If I said $100,000 a year and then we run an only fans for you in the. In the office. Like, what's your buyout? Like, what if it's $500,000 a year? What if it's a million dollars a year? Would you. And she was like, oh, million dollars a year? Yeah. I go, you got to get naked. And she goes, no, that's fine. A million dollars a year. And then, you know, there's so many women in this house and they're like, HR violation. And I was like, guys, we're creating content. We're not being real right now. She's not really starting a fucking only fans page. We're just creating content. We're just. And so I was like, you know what? Fuck this house. Fuck pretty boy. I'm taking to your mom's house. They're fucking outlaws. So, okay. So I said, so what? So the original concept was how much to buy out your only fans. Like, what if we gave you a price point? So, you know, we'll give you $500,000 right now.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

But you work for us.

[Tom Segura]

Right? Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I understand that we're tired of turning into porn producers, but. But, like, what if we took someone, promoted their only fans and kind of managed them? Yeah, bring them on the pod. Bring on the pod and let the fans have fun with it. One of the things you said to me a long time ago is, do you. Yeah, you said, it's always funner when you guys are working on a joke together, you and the fans. I don't do that enough. I don't do that enough.

[Tom Segura]

Yes, totally.

[Bert Kreischer]

But it is fun.

[Tom Segura]

Now let me ask you this. Does. Do you have any opinion on the fact that, like, can they, like creators in that space, Obviously they cover a full spectrum of activities. Do you care? Does it matter to you how X rated, like, can they just be like, I like to do nude poses or do they have to like, actually have sex? Like, do you. Does that matter to you?

[Bert Kreischer]

So no. So what I would argue is, and I mean this, I mean this with humility, but I think, I think my career speaks for itself. I think the average person running an oldie fans isn't looking at it as a white space. They're looking at it as, yeah, I just gotta send pictures of my tits or my feet, I gotta fart in a jar or whatever. I think if you take two outside views and help a creator really create and be different and really think out of the box, we can help build them to a place where all of a sudden, you know, they're making crazy money on onlyfans. And everyone's like, dude, this is a fucking awesome OnlyFans. It's not just nudity. It's. It's, it's. It, it.

[Tom Segura]

It's the whole experience.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's the whole experience. It's something different than just showing tits. Like, I mean, I do like the.

[Tom Segura]

Idea of like somehow incorporating the audience.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

Into this, like making it a, a community thing as opposed to like you being like, I'm just your manager.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. We're, we're taking, we're taking a look at, at their business model and we're restructuring it and saying, listen, lower our price point to get interactions with the fans. So, you know, it's like you really enjoy that guy that shits in between pieces of bread and eats it. Right. So.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, Martin.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, Martin. But like, I think there's a way to create an OnlyFans account that's very fun, that's interactive. That's not just like, hey, I want to watch you fuck this dude. Or I think there's. But nudity can be, is involved. Sexy nudity, fun nudity. Like, like, like, like a daily down blouse, you know, like where it's like fun and it's not. You know, there's certain things that I find sexy that, like, that I, that I go, how come no one does that? You know, like, you know what, you know what I really love? And I'll tell you. And I can't find it online. I can't find it. The best videos are on Instagram where it's like a girl with great tits a on a roller coaster and she passes out and her tits almost come out, but they don't and I just want the nipple to come out a little bit. Do you remember the one in the race car where the girl's tits are jiggling? Like, what if we helped her create the content where the tit came out? Like, you know, like to create the content that doesn't dick tease. You sells it and then you post it online and you go for full video, go to OnlyFans. So yeah, that's my only fans pitch to you.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, I, you know, it's a fun idea, dude. Yeah, I think it's a fun idea is it's like this could be somebody who's making like a hundred and forty dollars a month and you could essentially really change their, their life with that. If it works out.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's the way. You know, I think moving forward with this podcast, if we choose to do it next week, the. I think, I think our focus should be fan centric in that, in that, in that like, we've always done good things for people. You know, when we bought those two stupid houses in fucking Florida.

[Tom Segura]

But like, those weren't stupid houses. That was Habitat for Humanity.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know. I just, I'm still angry that I got bullied and Just. I just. I'm still angry that I folded.

[Tom Segura]

What do you mean?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know.

[Tom Segura]

You really help somebody with that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Have you seen the house? I don't even know if the houses are real.

[Tom Segura]

I have not seen it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, they're AI Generated, I think.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Bert Kreischer]

I can't tell. I thought I saw today on porn. I saw a girl stick her foot in a girl's ass. And I was like, this is AI. God damn it.

[Tom Segura]

You're sure?

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm almost 100% certain. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Toes or just like the whole ankle?

[Bert Kreischer]

Tom.

[Tom Segura]

In her ass.

[Bert Kreischer]

In her ass. And I was like, this link. Yeah, this is link. Yeah. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yep.

[Bert Kreischer]

Send it.

[Tom Segura]

I'd like to review.

[Bert Kreischer]

I bet I can. Hold on. I bet if I just go backwards a couple pages. Yeah, it comes up. You ready?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God. I think we found multiple versions.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, wow. Holy. Hang on. That was a good one. Which one is it? It's.

[Tom Segura]

Is it one of those?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, but it's. Apparently it happens a lot.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, it looks like it's happening quite a bit. That is nuts.

[Bert Kreischer]

The. I think we. You know, it's like, look, we. I think we're more creative than this.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. This probably isn't good for my brain, so.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait. So I want to. I want you to settle a fight I had with Leanne.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Please tell me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. Now, I'm. I. I understand how you're going to hear this, because you know me. Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I have a tendency. I have a tendency to make my life mythical and I have a tendency to talk in hyperbole. But always remember, it is fact based first. Okay? As fun and wild as it gets. It starts in truth.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, so you're. You're taking your youngest to college.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Or we're moving her into her house in college.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

And Leanne and Isla go to World Market and they buy a armoire. Beautiful armoire. I didn't see the armoire until it got to the truck. And when I lifted it to put in the truck, I went, this might be too heavy for the house. Like, meaning, like, I don't know how we're going to get this upstairs around a corner. The house is built like 1918. So it's like. This is. It's not like it's big hallways. Everyone weighed fucking 98 pounds back then. So, you know, so we get it to the house. I give, and I'm already upset because I wanted to go to lunch and Isla didn't want to go to fucking lunch. She wanted to get this arm warp Back to her house. I'm starving, I'm hungover. I didn't get to work out. None of this is my day. I'm getting. I'm on someone else's schedule, which is already pissing me off. We go to take it up into the house, and Leanne and Isla are carrying one side, they're carrying the top, I'm carrying the bottom. I think this armoire has to be around. I'm ballparking it. £400. Okay. I'm guessing. I mean, it's. It's easily. I can tell you what, I can deadlift. And I. And I. And. But I. It's. Let's just ballpark it. Let's say £225 is pretty heavy. Let's say it's £225 of square block. So now I'm with Isla, Leanne, her friends, Leanne's dad and Leanne's friend. And I'm frustrated and I'm angry, and I'm gonna say the name of the city. Not that it's important, but I'm saying the name of the city. Can you guys just bleep it out for me? And Leigh Ann says, you know what? I think we leave it here. I said, well, I think we get it upstairs.

[Tom Segura]

Where is it right now?

[Bert Kreischer]

It's. Right now. It's on their first floor. And I was like. I said, we get it up the stairs, it's going to be a little bit of a thing, but I'll be doing all the heavy lifting. If you and I can carry it at the top, I'll be carrying the majority of the weight. And Leanne goes, no, no, no, no, no. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to task, grab it tomorrow, and I'm going to get two strong. Two actual strong guys in here to get it up. And I said, I'm one of the strongest men in this fucking city. And she went. And they all laughed. They all laughed. They all laughed. And I said, everyone, stop. I'm, without a doubt, one of the top 0.5% strongest men in this city. If anyone's getting up there, it's me. You're not going to find two men on TaskRabbit stronger than me. And they're all laughing, like, Tom, I need you to back me up in this, okay? I bench 325 pounds. I did 295 five times the other day. That is 0.5% strongest men in the world, without a doubt.

[Tom Segura]

I'm with you.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm with you, I am one of the strongest men in that fucking city, without a doubt.

[Tom Segura]

I, I, I'm, I'm not disagreeing with you.

[Bert Kreischer]

And that's why you respect your friends. That's why. Bros over hoes. Because I had a bunch of hoes laughing at me and I was like, guys, I benched £325. And they're like, that doesn't mean anything.

[Tom Segura]

Well, no, it does mean something. It means that you're pretty strong, dude. You have a big back.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Look like you look like an ox, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Thank you, Sean. Sean took some pictures on my back and sent them to me. Nice. Thank you. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So what happened to the armorer?

[Bert Kreischer]

It's, I couldn't, it was too heavy.

[Tom Segura]

Did they find two dudes to lift it up?

[Bert Kreischer]

I think it's going to stay downstairs.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. That's awesome. That's great.

[Bert Kreischer]

That Isla Kreisler, man, if you get, if, if, if all you got to do is get her to give a fuck. Give a fuck about something. And she is the most focused individual. Now, sadly, the only thing she really gives a fuck about is herself. But if you. She is.

[Tom Segura]

Where'd that come from?

[Bert Kreischer]

I have no idea. Leanne was like, Leanne and Georgia. It was me, Georgia, Leanne and Isla and Georgia and Leanne kept making fun of me. And I looks, I. We had dueling panic attacks, so we went to cosplay. I could wish I could tell you exactly where Isla went to college because it's that much funnier. We got this armoire that had to hang out the back of an suv. So it's sticking out. It's fucking huge. It's seven feet big. It's sticking out. The girls are crammed up. And Isla's like, hey, we just need to take this straight home. Someone's gonna steal it. I go, it's fucking £400. No one's going to steal it. And she goes, dad, it's an expensive armoire. And I said, I go, isla, we're in one of the nicest areas in the world. No one's stealing a. No one's going to steal a 400 pound armoire, let alone have a vehicle to get it in. We're going to eat. And Isla and I had matching panic attacks about her thing getting stolen and me needing food. And they were dueling panic attacks. And I just kept taunting her and she kept taunting me. And Leanne and Georgia sat back and they're like, this is like watching a dog bark at a mirror. I was like, so fucking livid. I was like, yeah, I got a lot of fucking crime around here. I look at all these criminals. A lot of people have felonies here. She was like, dad, just because they're. Just because they're all in fucking polos and khakis and white people doesn't mean they don't have felonies. They can commit corporate crimes. And I'm like, that doesn't mean they're stealing a fucking armoire, Isla.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but she gets. She won, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Because she won. And I then to temper tantrum for the rest of the day.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, but that'd be cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

Teach her a lesson.

[Tom Segura]

Teach her a lesson, dude. All right, we're gonna be. Well, we're both on the road, so check out burpbert.com tomsagura.com for our tour dates. My tour comes to an end in December. I shoot a special in November, and then I'm done in December. And then what else? Oh, we're placing our bets.

[Bert Kreischer]

Placing our bets.

[Tom Segura]

Respective states. Me in Ohio, you in Illinois.

[Bert Kreischer]

How do we feel these only fans, ladies?

[Tom Segura]

That's a dude. I don't. What do you. What do you guys think? How do. How do we field Bert's submissions? You think we do a website or something or what? I think they can do an email.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Which email, guys? Two bears, one cave, Gmail dot com. And also feel free to DM the.

[Bert Kreischer]

YMA Studios Instagram page and DM me too. I don't want to see them. Oh, I need to log into them. Yeah. And then next episode, we'll have a list of people who. Who are up for debate.

[Tom Segura]

Wait for the email. It's the number two in the word bears.

[Bert Kreischer]

Correct.

[Tom Segura]

And then the number one in the word cave.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yep.

[Tom Segura]

@Gmail.Com, the number two bears the number one. And then [e-mail] if you want to email. Or you can DM the YMH Studios email account, and we could find flat. We could just pull submissions from that. You're gonna get bombarded, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

I can't wait.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

My testosterone is way too high. I'm jerking off twice a day.

[Tom Segura]

Are you serious?

[Bert Kreischer]

It's bad.

[Tom Segura]

Maybe dial it back a little.

[Bert Kreischer]

I got good gains.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, keep doing that. Keep jerking off twice a day at 52. That's.

[Bert Kreischer]

Great.

[Tom Segura]

And it's starting to hurt. I mean, I would. I would maybe refrain a little bit. That's it. It was fun. We love you guys. We'll see you next week.

[Bert Kreischer]

Bert and Tom. Tom and Bert. One goes top us while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and burts the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call too. There's one cave.