Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit | 2 Bears, 1 Cave"

Released on March 31, 2025, "2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer" is a weekly podcast where comedian best friends Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer gather to share laughs and life stories. In this episode, titled "Joey Diaz's Horny Hospital Visit," the duo delves into the challenges of touring, the impact of personal life on their careers, reflections on the comedy industry, and heartfelt memories of their late friend, Ralphie Diaz.

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1. The Struggles of Touring and Burnout

Timestamp: [00:19 - 03:24]

Bert Kreischer opens the discussion by contemplating the toll that constant touring has taken on comedians, suggesting that his friend Tommy might be considering retiring from the road. He laments, "Hundred percent. Ladies and gentlemen, new episode of Two Bears, One Cave. And this is who I should have done this podcast with. Fucking screwed the pooch. I took the wrong Latino." This reflects the emotional and physical exhaustion that comes with arena tours.

Tom Segura concurs, emphasizing the redundancy that can creep into long-term touring. At [00:51], he states, "It kind of gets redundant after a while," highlighting the diminishing returns of performing the same sets repeatedly in large venues. The conversation underscores the necessity for comedians to find sustainability in their careers without burning out.

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2. Rekindling the Love for Stand-Up

Timestamp: [00:51 - 02:58]

Tom Segura shares his journey back to loving stand-up comedy, distancing himself from viewing it solely as a business. He explains, "We were not doing it as a business. I wanted to fall in love with it again... It's about not giving up the drive to perform, no matter how trivial the gig." This resurgence was influenced by significant life changes, including marriage and the decision to abstain from drugs. Bert adds, "I never asked myself that," contrasting his own relentless pursuit of touring without questioning its long-term viability.

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3. Balancing Personal Life and the Comedy Road

Timestamp: [02:03 - 04:17]

As the discussion progresses, Tom delves into how marriage and family life impacted his touring habits. He remarks, "To get my dick sucked. To travel and to do drugs. I got married. That was the end of getting your dick sucked." The transition to a family-oriented life necessitated a reevaluation of priorities, leading Tom to reduce his touring frequency and focus more on personal well-being. Bert reflects on his own experience, noting the sacrifices made in personal relationships for the sake of comedy.

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4. Nostalgia for the Early Touring Days

Timestamp: [04:17 - 07:18]

Bert reminisces about the financial struggles and the pure fun of early touring, stating, "Every night's an adventure. You got $3 in your pocket and two comedy sets." Tom concurs, recalling the unpredictability and camaraderie of touring smaller venues like Brandon, Mississippi. "Brandon, Mississippi. You went to all these places... I met a great girl down there, ended up having a kid. We ate mushrooms together," he shares, highlighting the memorable and spontaneous moments that defined their early careers.

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5. Touring with Fellow Comedians and Industry Changes

Timestamp: [07:18 - 10:17]

The conversation shifts to the camaraderie among comedians touring together. Tom fondly remembers traveling with Joe Rogan, Eddie Bravo, Tate, Joe Duncan, and Redman. "We were sponsored by Fogo de Chow for, like, three years. Every town we landed in, we went to Fogo de Chow on the arm," he notes, illustrating the supportive network that existed among comedians. However, they also critique the shift in the industry towards larger arenas and the loss of intimate club settings, which they believe diminishes the quality and authenticity of performances.

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6. The Impact of Podcasting on Stand-Up Comedy

Timestamp: [43:33 - 51:08]

Bert and Tom discuss the influence of podcasting on their stand-up careers. They express concerns that constant involvement in podcasts can lead to complacency, making their stand-up acts less original and more repetitive. Tom states, "Podcasting was about letting the audience know who we are, but the people at home don't know," emphasizing the disconnect between live performances and podcast content. They debate whether focusing solely on stand-up without the distraction of podcasts could rejuvenate their creative processes.

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7. Personal Health Challenges

Timestamp: [32:07 - 38:08]

Tom Segura shares a deeply personal story about his recent hospitalization due to severe lung issues. At [32:07], he reveals, "I was in the hospital for three weeks this year," detailing his struggle with hypoxemia, where his lungs filled with liquid, making it difficult to breathe. He recounts the harrowing experience of being admitted, the treatments he underwent, and the impact it had on his physical and mental health. This candid revelation underscores the often unseen personal battles comedians face behind their public personas.

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8. Memories of Ralphie Diaz and the Loss of Friends

Timestamp: [51:08 - 74:12]

One of the most poignant segments of the episode revolves around their late friend, Ralphie Diaz. Bert and Tom share numerous anecdotes highlighting Ralphie's larger-than-life personality and his significant influence on their lives. At [57:34], Bert nostalgically recalls, "He was doing theaters before anyone was doing it," praising Ralphie's pioneering efforts in stand-up comedy. Tom adds, "Ralphie was a genius," reflecting on his friend's kindness, generosity, and the indelible mark he left on the comedy community. They lament his untimely passing and the void it created in their lives and careers.

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9. Reflections on the Evolution of Comedy Specials

Timestamp: [48:19 - 50:28]

Tom Segura criticizes the modern format of comedy specials, arguing that they have become overly elaborate and lose the raw essence of stand-up. He states, "Now the special has to be about something different... it can't be 30 minutes, can't be an hour material," suggesting that the addition of elements like "spider cams" and multimedia distracts from the core performance. Both comedians express a longing for the simplicity of older specials, where the focus was entirely on the comedian without technological or stage distractions.

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10. Future Plans and Upcoming Tours

Timestamp: [77:59 - End]

As the episode nears its conclusion, Bert and Tom shift focus to future endeavors. Bert announces his upcoming world tour starting in September, with highlights including a performance at Red Rocks on October 1st. He enthusiastically invites Tom to join him, saying, "We’re gonna go on Red Rocks together." Tom reciprocates the enthusiasm, agreeing that "Red Rocks is such a great place." The conversation transitions into logistical details about tour dates, locations, and the anticipation of performing in iconic venues, underscoring their ongoing commitment to stand-up comedy despite the challenges discussed earlier.

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Notable Quotes

• Bert Kreischer [00:19]: "Hundred percent. Ladies and gentlemen, new episode of Two Bears, One Cave. And this is who I should have done this podcast with. Fucking screwed the pooch. I took the wrong Latino."

• Tom Segura [00:51]: "It kind of gets redundant after a while."

• Tom Segura [02:04]: "We weren't having fun. It was a business."

• Tom Segura [04:47]: "Every night's an adventure. You got $3 in your pocket and two comedy sets."

• Tom Segura [32:07]: "I was in the hospital for three weeks this year."

• Tom Segura [48:19]: "Now the special has to be about something different. It can't be 30 minutes, can't be an hour material."

• Bert Kreischer [74:12]: "I have no fucking problem. I don't know what the fuck you're even mentioning."

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Conclusion

In this emotionally charged episode, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer navigate the complexities of sustaining a career in stand-up comedy amidst personal challenges and industry shifts. They offer an unfiltered look into their lives, shedding light on the sacrifices made for their passion and the deep friendships that have shaped their journeys. Through laughter and vulnerability, the "2 Bears, 1 Cave" podcast continues to provide an authentic glimpse into the world of comedians striving to balance art, life, and everything in between.

Transcript

[Bert Kreischer]

My new special, Lucky is streaming right now on Netflix. Check it out.

[Joey Diaz]

Hey, everyone. We just announced my Fall 2025 Come Together Tour dates. We added a whole bunch of cities, including Allentown, Pennsylvania, West Lafayette, Indiana and Colorado Springs and many more. I will see you out there. Thank you so much.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hundred percent. Ladies and gentlemen, new episode of Two Bears, One Cave. And this is who I should have done this podcast with. Fucking screwed the pooch. I took the wrong Latino. Tommy just got done. He's. I think Tommy's retiring Joey. When I think he's gonna. I think this is his last tour at this point.

[Tom Segura]

It gets. It kind of gets redundant after a while.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You know, and that's why I never wanted to go into arenas or nothing. Because then you have nowhere to go after an arena. What are you going to do? You're going to play on Mars? What are you going to play on a spaceship? So it kind of becomes. It kind of. Listen, when you're a middle level comic and you do the improvs, after the ninth time that you're at the Tempe Improv, you ask yourself, how much longer can I do this for?

[Bert Kreischer]

I never asked myself that. And then I asked myself. I said to myself, when I was getting ready to announce this new tour, I was like, so wait, how am I just going to do this forever? Like, is there an end date to this?

[Tom Segura]

There is. And the way I look at it is you have to like, what you did was brilliant. I tell people all the time what happened with me was I was doing stand up, but I wasn't having fun. It was a business. And that's a horrible way to do stand up comedy when you do it as a business. I wanted to fall in love with it again. Falling in love with it naturally from the. And it's not about the money, it's not about the gig. It's you driving to the shittiest open mic on a Tuesday.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And getting on stage. That's what you always want to do. We forgot all that. Look at what's going on in the comedian world now. We're not comedians anymore. We're not comedians anymore. We're talking about politics, we're talking about this. We're having arguments with other people. At the end of the day. That's not what we got into this for.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's absolutely. I definitely did not get into being.

[Tom Segura]

We got into this. Listen, I'm gonna tell you what for. To get my dick sucked. To travel and to do drugs. I got married. That was the end of Getting your dick sucked. You got a girlfriend, you move in, you can't get your dick sucked. That's part of going down the road. Oh, well, I could still do drugs, okay. And then one day you stop doing drugs and you're like, what am I doing? I'm coming out of here because I used to do the road to do drugs. You know, I got a wife, she doesn't want to see me coked up, so I would hold off all week and then go off when I went to Houston or anywhere I went.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So the fun went out of it. I just wanted. When I. After the pandemic, I'm like, thank God this happened. Thank God. I don't want to do nothing. They kept calling me. Let's set up the dates for July. Call me when it's over, okay? I'm like, green Day. Call me when it's over. Whatever the fuck it is. I don't wanna. And now I love it again. And I love it to the point where at night I have to go, joey, you're not going to the city.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You're not going to get back till midnight or one that throws your whole week off. But that's where I am right now. I felt that we didn't take a break during the pandemic. You know, I mean, we didn't. We kept podcasting, you know, we didn't take a break. And Tommy Buns has to be burnt out by now.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, this. This last tour he did was the biggest one he's ever done. And he's. It's all, I think is all arenas and. And he's. And I know him. He doesn't do drugs. He doesn't get his dick sucked.

[Tom Segura]

It's. It's. It's. I enjoy the. The fans and I enjoy the seeing them and having a good time, but I just couldn't see myself doing this. Start with 65 every week. I didn't love it that much. I loved my family just a little bit more.

[Bert Kreischer]

You did the right. I mean, I think you've done the right thing, especially knowing, like, how much time you spend with Mercy. And I look back and I go, man, I was gone. All the fucking girls. Childhood, all of it. I saw them Tuesday and Wednesday, Monday night, Tuesday, Wednesday. Until I started canceling Sundays. When did you think? When do you think you loved it the most? What was the most favorite time in Stand up for you?

[Tom Segura]

When I was dead broke. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And why is that? Why is it the fucking. The winner? The poorest you are is the most Fun.

[Tom Segura]

Every night's an adventure.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You got $3 in your pocket and two comedy sets. One you're going to pick up $45 at let's see where the night takes Me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Some nights you're home at one and you're fucking depressed because you ate two bags of dick. But some nights you got the $45 in your pocket, you're at some girl's house at 4 in the morning, everybody snorting coke, and you're like, this is great. Yeah, this is great. I could do this forever. You know, we all had the best fun when we were struggling. That was the best when you barely made the gig. When you don't have money to get the plane ticket that got canceled. Remember, if you got canceled in those days, you were kind of fucked. You don't have $200 again, we barely, you know. And those were the times where I thought I had the best time, you know, and, yeah, I had great times on the road, touring. You did the right thing. You broke it up. You said, you have the best idea in comedy. It was the best festival in comedy. The thing on the road, the buses and stuff. That's a great idea. That was brilliant because it took you off of the A markets, it put you in C markets that people never think of going to these towns.

[Bert Kreischer]

Brandon, Mississippi.

[Tom Segura]

Brandon, Mississippi. You went to all these places. You went to a place in Tennessee that I considered the best place I've ever been to.

[Bert Kreischer]

Where was that?

[Tom Segura]

The first year? We were in Tennessee one night and I thought, I loved that town because of that. The hotel people were nice. Everybody knew you in town. You know, we were there for like a day and a half and we were already talking to people. I met a great girl down there, ended up having a kid. We ate mushrooms together.

[Bert Kreischer]

We ate mushrooms together.

[Tom Segura]

Fucking. You know, that was fun. Because you have no pressure on you. Yeah, you have no pressure on you. 20 minutes. I could do 20 minutes in my sleep. And I don't really care if they sell tickets. You know, when you're doing comedy, it's not. It's maintaining the material, writing material, and then your agents are calling you, hey, Brandon, Mississippi, you're not selling tickets down there. This, that. You have so much going, so much inner stress that you don't even feel. You're like, ah, I've been doing this for years, but now it's inner stress. You're selling tickets. Put this up. This guy wants you to play there. Hey, when you go there, they want you to stop over here and get a sweatshirt and take a picture. You know, it's not. It's never ending. It's never ending. Being a comic, you know, it never ends.

[Bert Kreischer]

It never ends.

[Tom Segura]

And once you do have a wife and a kid, it. You know, I always liked those guys that you were on the road with in the beginning, and it was their third week on the road, and they call you. Calling your wife, and you're like, I'm with Bert Kreischer. We're drinking. We're playing golf. And she's like, motherfucker, I'm over here putting a diaper on one kid, and the other kid's yelling, and you're fucking playing golf with Bert Kreischer. You know, like, I think women always. Like, when they go to work, women are, oh, my God, you're so lucky. He must be so fun to have him around, and he must be so funny. That shit lasts a year. Women think that shit's cute for a fucking year. And then they're like, bitch, you know, I'm over here cleaning the bathroom, and you're in Miami with Joe Rogan jumping up and down, go fuck yourself. You know, women can't. They can't after a while.

[Bert Kreischer]

Those earliest days with Rogan must have been a fucking blast.

[Tom Segura]

They were a blast.

[Bert Kreischer]

Eddie Bravo, just traveling with you guys.

[Tom Segura]

Eddie Bravo, Tate, Joe Duncan, and me and Redman in a van. Joe not knowing where he's going, in a van. You know?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Why are we doing this, Joe? Put the fucking thing. I know where I'm going. Arguments, the whole thing. But he took good care of us. Like, I can't. I can never be mad at that guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Like, I get mad at him for a minute. Sometimes he says something stupid on the UFC or something, and I'm like, what the fuck, Joe? And then I go, that guy, you know, he created this comedy environment for us that was tremendous. He was paying us great. We were eating like fucking kings, you know, we were sponsored by Fogo de Chow. Okay?

[Bert Kreischer]

I love Fogo de Chow.

[Tom Segura]

We were sponsored by Fogo de Chile for, like, three years. Every town we landed in, we went to Fogo de Chow on the arm. And then Joe would get shots that were like, $400.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

For all of us. And then on the way in the car, you go, you just did a 400 shot. You're like, fuck. Fuck, Joe. Thank you.

[Bert Kreischer]

And that's when Joe just discovered weed.

[Tom Segura]

Yes. We made him smoke weed. And Duncan had the fucking dummy with him in the Hotel Nemo, and he used to scare the shit out of me. And Ari's always been crazy. You know, Ari's just fucking Ari. Ari is. He's a comic in his own world. Like, now he wants to go to Europe. It's his last tour. Yeah, he's just. And gotta be honest with you, these guys are doing it right. Yeah, I was doing it wrong. I was doing it, too. Seriously, I gotta stick to that material. Now I watch everybody doing arenas, and they're doing fucking. They're talking to the audience. Everybody's talking to the fucking audience. I'm up there working hard on. I can't write this shit. And everybody's talking to the audience in the marina. I was raised not to talk to the audience in a fucking arena or a big show. These guys are like, hey, what do you do for a living? I'm like, in the arena? In the arena. God damn it. What the fuck? But I could see that was getting monotonous for me. Like, it was just getting monotonous and it's bad for everybody.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You go into a club for 20 years and that guy's still a busboy. And you're seeing him as a busboy and he's seeing you as a comic that comes every 18 months. It was just. I don't know, something wasn't right. I wanted to do it more how bands did it.

[Bert Kreischer]

How's that?

[Tom Segura]

You guys work hard. When you go on a tour, it's 10 months. Yeah, listen, once that 10 months end and you say goodbye to your fellows and you go home, it's over.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

There's no videos.

[Bert Kreischer]

There's no nothing.

[Tom Segura]

There's no. Look at me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just shut it down.

[Tom Segura]

It just shut. And we all see. When I got to LA in 97, everybody had a. Your manager had a plan for you. So, Bert, you're gonna go on the road from January to April or every week? Bert, shut your fucking mouth. And then I got you a show you're gonna shoot from May to July. There's 11 episodes, you're gonna shoot seven. You're not gonna make much money your first year, but you're gonna shoot seven episodes. And then while those things are in the tank, you're gonna go to the Comedy Store every night till your ass turns green, and you're gonna do a spot till you get an hour. Then we're gonna shoot a special. We're gonna put that in the tank and that TV show comes out. The special will come out and you're back on the road in January.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

There was always a plan. There's no more plan. There's no plan. No more.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're going to go on the road.

[Tom Segura]

You're going to go on the road to your fucking old and gray. And I didn't like that.

[Bert Kreischer]

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[Joey Diaz]

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[Tom Segura]

That I wanted to do. I was trying to figure out, listen, I love Led Jeppel and not just cause of their music. I love their style, how they did it. They never did a TV show. They refused. They never did whatever show at night on Fridays.

[Bert Kreischer]

What was that guy's name he had Carson, Merv Griffin?

[Tom Segura]

No, no, no. There was a show when I was growing up, Midnight Special and Don Curse's Rock Concert. There were all these. USA had one. They never did that. Their manager never allowed them to do a TV performance of anything. It was very. You look at Led Zeppelin, you're like they were just a bunch of wackos. No, they weren't. That manager had a plan from day one and he stuck to it. And that's why they ended up having nine albums. And they're one of the most successful bands of all time. I when they toured for a year and a half, when they got off, they got off. They didn't even talk. Yeah, they didn't even talk. For a year. After about a year, one of them would get bored and go, what do you think we should go in the studio? Ha. I'm too busy shooting Heroin. Try me in six months. Aerosmith, all those guys had these schedules. Somewhere along the line in comedy, it just got thrown off the window. There's no plan. You stay on the road to your whatever, and I didn't like that. I'd rather stay on the road and you get a movie for me and I'll take off and then I'll do the movie. I will not post anything on social media. People will have to put me in the back of milk containers because you are not gonna see me. I will not make a fucking video. And then you come back like Jesus is born and that. We didn't do that. We stayed in their faces. We stayed in their faces.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, that's. It was that monotony of, like, you had to post a podcast. Has to go up every week. Every week, Every week. You're always doing each other's podcasts. Social media. I mean, man, I wish I could put that toothpaste back in the tube. I've shared everything on social media.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, what haven't we shared on social. I don't even. I tweet once a week now, maybe twice a week, because I know you're in competition with these people that don't stop tweeting.

[Bert Kreischer]

God, I look at, like, young dudes that are putting out content on Instagram. I've slowed down on Instagram, but here's. Right now, I'm losing my mind because I'm promoting the special and I'm in New York and I'm overexposed and I'm on everyone's podcasts. I'm. I see it coming. I'm sick of seeing his fucking face. And I'm like, me, too. Get me the fuck. I'm going to take. I'm going to take another break while, like, this summer, I'm going to dip out for a sec.

[Tom Segura]

No tour this summer.

[Bert Kreischer]

No tour this summer. We were supposed to do Fully Loaded again this summer. And then I just said, you know, I was like, you know, let's. Let's not. Let's. Let's let it breathe for a season and come back in the fall, come back again next summer and, like, where everyone's rejuvenated. And by the way, I don't even have an act. I've just started writing for my new act.

[Tom Segura]

We lose an hour, then you got six weeks on the road doing all material that they're gonna see in this special. It was backwards. So wait a second. I'm gonna go on the road for a year to working on material that they're gonna see on Netflix or any other platform? Something wasn't right. That's why I said, you. You finish that TV show and then you stay in LA and you hit all those spots every night.

[Bert Kreischer]

I thought that was kind of cool about Joe's special is he never toured that material. That material only lived in Austin. Like, he never took that hour out on the road, so he doesn't tour. And I was like, that's kind of cool. If you write an hour in a city, just live in a city, write your hour, perform it, and the whole world sees it for the first time on Netflix. But, yeah, I took this hour, this hour that's on Netflix now. I took it fucking. On a fucking huge arena tour. And I got to do. Here's the thing that gets complicated. This is the thing that is. Once you start making money, you start making other people money. So you got bus drivers who count on you. You have crew, crew of 18 who count on you. You have a production manager who counts on you, a tour manager that counts on you, an assistant accounts on you. And then you go to do your next tour, and everyone's. You had hired all these people, and everyone is looking for work. So, like, I ran into a guy the other day, I haven't seen him a while, and he's like, yo, when are we going back on the road? And I was like, we. We. I was like, fuck, I guess I'm taking him back on the road. So. It's crazy, man. I'm jealous of you. I love. I look at your post whenever I see your posts. Like, you. Georgia and Isla had a group text they share with you, and Mercy were on a boat, and they were like, is that Mercy? And I was like, fuck, yeah. She's grown up.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it's a different story. Yeah, it's a way different story. And it's. Listen, when you're doing it, you don't realize it's the best thing you're ever gonna do is raise a child. Whether it's a boy or a girl. You're raising them. We came from la, you know, and I hate to harp on this, but it's the truth. We came from a society where we were around a lot of broken women. Broken or whatever they call that shit. Daddy issues, whatever the fuck it is. And I really looked at that when I got home, and I looked at. She didn't like it. Mercy didn't like it too much. Yeah, Mercy. It hit her when I wasn't home from Terry's birthday, right before the pandemic. And my sister in law came out and they were like, we were all there, dad, except for you. You have to stop it with this road shit, you know, Pick different weeks. And I thought about it. I'm like, what the fuck does she know about life? She doesn't know anything about bills. My fucking bridge broke. They want 20 GS, I got no fucking teeth. The thing broke. What does she know about 20 GS? You know, we gotta go out and kill 20 fucking Puerto Ricans to get 20 GS?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And I thought about what she was saying. And then things started happening to me in other avenues. The weed company came.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I got signed by DraftKings. There was all these opportunities. I said, joey, this is your chance. The universe is giving you a chance to regroup your life and figure out how to work it as a dad, you know, because we didn't plan on being dads. It just happened.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And now we're getting busier than ever now. You know, nobody wants you to do all this shit, but we have to do it. Yeah, it's my fucking job, you know? And people have no idea that once you're in it, you're in it. The reason why I'm not at the level I was as a comic five years ago is because I'm not in it no more. If I get on stage twice a week, it's a lot. Yeah. I was at a point where I was doing, you know, we do 15 sets a week without even knowing, without even thinking. You walk into a place, they're like, you want to get up? Yeah. And all that shows, you know, all that shows, it shows everywhere. It shows everywhere. And I could tell sometimes I struggle on stage, and that's because I don't have what I had available to me in la. The thing I did was, when I left la, that I didn't know I had done, Bert, is I actually kissed my career goodbye, you think? When I went, right before we left, I went to the store one day by myself and I just sat on the stairs. There was nobody there. Town was locked up for Covid. And I just sat there and I realized what the fuck had happened the last 23 years. Like, what the fuck happened? One minute we're up here starving, Ralphie May, we're fucking chipping in to get a turkey, and the next thing you know, you're Pulling up to the store and there's 10 Lamborghinis out there. Yeah. And you're like, what? How did this even happen?

[Bert Kreischer]

It's so wild. From what I knew standup to be. When I started, I was listening to a conversation in the hallway between a group of comics who were explaining why it was more cost effective to fly in a helicopter from J. From LAX to the Valley on. And I was like, wait, what are we. Like, we're taking helicopters places? I was like, dude, I was. I've heard stories in this, like, talking about tour buses and private jets. And you're like, dude, I like, that's. It's so bizarre.

[Tom Segura]

Don't listen. The Stones don't travel at 80 and, you know, they travel first class first. They don't even stay together. They bring a fucking doctor with them on the road.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

He's shooting them with testosterone. He's giving them gummies. You know, those. When you could travel like that, how would you travel? I'd have somebody pull me in a cart.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

If I could. You know what I'm saying? If you made that type of money on the road. But when you get older, you realize you blew a lot of fucking money. I always like IMDb. I'm a big fan of IMDb. I'm a big Fan of going to IMDb when somebody's rocking and rolling and seeing all the people they're paying. Attorney, publicist this, that. It's like a row of eight or nine people.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And then when the show ends, give it about a month, and they get that reality call from the accountant saying, hey, let me tell you something. I don't know what you think you got, but let me tell you what you got. And next week, you see all those people disappear. The attorney, the publicist, they're down to one fucking agent because you're shooting a movie, but you're paying eight people 10 to 1 at 3% to an attorney. God knows how much to a publicist, 10 to a fucking agent, and 15 to a manager. But meanwhile, everybody thinks that we're walking around like cheechbostic, that we just fucking. I had a guy question me one time. Well, you made this on YouTube. I go, do, you know, have taxes? Do you not have commissions? You understand all this, right? Oh, we didn't think about that. Yeah. People have no fucking idea what you make and what goes out. I put everything on an Amex so my wife has to pay it off at the end of every month. Business expenses, restaurant, the ferry I took, you know, and you look at that now compared to what I was blowing in la. Oh, Jesus. Holy sh. Three weeks a month, first class tickets.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

This, that. Hotel for you. Hotel for the people that you're bringing with you. Because they don't give you money for that in the theater.

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Tom Segura]

All that shit you're dropping 50k a month. Yeah. I would see the Amex bills and go, oh, my God, oh my God, oh my God, that's fucking horrible. The expenses is what people don't see. Whether you have a podcast studio. They even were taxing us on podcast in L. A. Did you get that bill?

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, like 18 fucking. They were taxing us for something. Business thing.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. We were getting hit from all fucking over. Meanwhile, you're thinking you're Johnny Bastich, you're buying dinners and fucking, you know, living like Ralphie May before you punch the ticket. Fucking buying all the sushi at a place.

[Bert Kreischer]

Ralphie May. I get bummed when I see. I get bummed. The other day I was watching a video of him, so fucking funny. And I go, man, no one talks about him enough. Like, don't. He was so fucking good at those.

[Tom Segura]

Clips that come up from time to time. They're fucking really funny, dude. I feel bad. He didn't get this. No, he didn't get to see this doing.

[Bert Kreischer]

He was doing theaters before anyone was doing.

[Tom Segura]

20 years ago. Yeah, 20 years ago, 2005, 2006, he started doing theaters and he had it down to a fucking science.

[Bert Kreischer]

He was. He was the first one of us with a tour bus.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, he had a tour bus. That's right. He had a shotgun on there and machine guns and Uzis. It's just weird to see, you know, when we got to la, we saw these people who were rocking and rolling like, that's never going to be me. And then all of a sudden you start seeing the people around you blowing up. And then one day you just. I don't know what happened. Like, that's what I had to think about, what really happened to me those 23 years. And I think that when I left LA, those stairs that day, I was like, I'm not in the major leagues anymore. That's for starters. We're not in the major league. I'm not in the major leagues. I don't live in LA no more. New York has a great comedy scene or whatever, but I've already done that. Yeah, for me to come, like, I wrestled with doing spots in the city because it's like, I've already done that, yeah, you know, it's like I've already been in a club where I developed in there and started. I don't want to do that again, but I might have to. I might have to start coming over here. I miss coming over here. Yeah, this is fucking great.

[Bert Kreischer]

It seems like it would be a fucking pain in the goddamn ass just parking.

[Tom Segura]

That's what kills me.

[Bert Kreischer]

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[Tom Segura]

Me too.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love good.

[Tom Segura]

I don't like walking with food in my stomach. Yeah, so that's not gonna happen. If I don't park up front, I'm not eating there because I don't like taking that hike. Yeah, I fucking get sick. Like, I just hyperventilated some shit. I can't fucking do it with food in my stomach. A steak. I don't want to walk. I'm not fucking Lewis and Clark. I don't want to walk nowhere. I want the car right outside for everything. I'm at a point in my life where I want the car right outside for everything. That puts a big damper on all my plans. There's a restaurant I love, but you know why I don't go there? Valet parking. I got shit in the car. I got shit in the car. I don't want somebody sitting in my car. And I could park up front and I won't go there just because of the valet. You know, when I used to go to Dodger games, I buy that up front parking.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, fuck. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And you walk right in and your tickets are right there. Fuck, I love all that shit. Yeah, People invite me to all these things here. I'm not walking in Giant Stadium. Have you been to Link Yankee Stadium?

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, you'll be walking from now till fucking Tuesday. I don't want to do that walking. I want to walk in, sit down, and mind my fucking business. Once you include walking in it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, wait, I have been to Yankee Stadium. You walk fucking forever.

[Tom Segura]

Forever. At these places.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I got dropped off in an Uber. And I still walk forever.

[Tom Segura]

Forever. I go to Philadelphia to watch a game. You walk right in, you got Italian ice, somebody calls you a and you're in Philadelphia. Like, thank you. You're fucking from Jersey. Ah, thank you. Good to see you. You know, everything else is a fucking hike. I don't like it. They built a mall, American mall. Here you got to walk a mile in the parking lot just to get to the mall. And then it's another two miles to get something to eat. I don't need to go there. I see stairs now and I get fucking anxiety. Like, I see stairs and I'm like, that just might not happen.

[Bert Kreischer]

This might not happen.

[Tom Segura]

This might not happen. I'm not in the mood. My knee hurts, you know, I just started shooting the thing in my knee again.

[Bert Kreischer]

Stem cells?

[Tom Segura]

No, I'm going to shoot stem cells next month in Austin. I just started shooting the BPC157, the Wolverine in my knee because it was starting to bothered me again. It was great. My knee was doing great. And then I got sick. And those. Those two and a half weeks in the hospital for some reason.

[Bert Kreischer]

You was in the hospital?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I was in the hospital for three fucking weeks this year.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, what happened?

[Tom Segura]

I have no fucking idea, Burt. They figured it out. It's called hypoxasy or some shit where your lungs fill up with liquid and you cannot breathe. I mean, Doug, I'm not scared of anything. This was scary. Really.

[Bert Kreischer]

So wait, so you were.

[Tom Segura]

You out.

[Bert Kreischer]

You were having a hard time breathing?

[Tom Segura]

It started like in December. I thought it was the mushrooms. I thought, I'm like, ah, well, when I eat mushrooms, my heart beats or something. And then I got sick. And it was funny because I said, you know what? I'm gonna stop smoking dope now. You know me a long time. Yes. And after New Year's, I said, you know what? I'm wasting my time with marijuana anymore. It ain't California. I gotta be on a website every night to see who's got my weed. So I go there in the morning, stand online, get it, and it just gets high in the morning. My tolerance is off the fucking charts, you know? So I'm like, maybe I should give it a break. Well, a week later, I got the flu. And two days later, I could not breathe. I mean, Bert, I would get up here 20 steps, and I'd have to stop and fucking pee. I mean, and it's not like, bert, where's your bathroom? Oh, no, no, No, I gotta take my dick out right here, right now. It was terrible, really. I would have to go home twice and change my sweats and, you know, it was just a horrible experience. I didn't know it was. So I went to, you know, what is it, urgent care?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Like, you should check into the hospital. Your oxygen level's low. And I'm like, it's my daughter's birthday. I wanted to come home from school. When I'm in the fucking hospital, that's no birthday present for nobody. So I waited out for like, two days. Then I couldn't breathe. I went in that time, they kept me for a week. Couldn't figure out what it was. They drained my lungs.

[Bert Kreischer]

How did they drain your lungs?

[Tom Segura]

Do they Lasix? They give you a thing in your vein to fucking take the water out.

[Bert Kreischer]

Of you, and you feel it immediately.

[Tom Segura]

You're peeing 20 ounces a shot. Really? Those bottles that they give you, I was peeing one every two hours. I was filling one of those things up. Everything comes out. And I dropped like 30 fucking pounds.

[Bert Kreischer]

For real?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. They took all the fluid out of you? Jesus. And they would send me home, but I would do the same shit. I'd go home and start with the one hitters. And then a week, two weeks later, I'm having a hard time breathing shit. And I'm like, what the fuck is going on?

[Bert Kreischer]

And does it feel like a flu, like you're coughing and stuff? Or is it just filling up with.

[Tom Segura]

Fluid just when you walk? I would. Or train. Oh, my God. It was to the point where I would have to do, like, a set of pull downs and sit down fucking. My face is turning red. So after the first hospital stay, they put that thing in my veins, in my arm, and went to your heart. And if you need a stent or a fucking balloon, they put it in there when I woke up. And the doctor's like, joey, I don't know what to tell you. You got a heart of a bull. You don't need anything. I'm like, what the fuck is this, then? Because I kept thinking it was 27 years of cocaine. Yeah, something's gonna malfunction at some point in your life. You know what I'm saying? I was starting to sound like RFK. I was all RFK'd up and shit. I can't. And then I came home again. Then I thought I had diverticulitis, so I went back that time, but. Diverticulitis. But it wasn't diverticulitis. And then I Was like, fuck it, I'm gonna go home. I was going to the gym. I'm eating good and fucking this time. That one week was just brutal. And it was starting to scare my wife. And if there's something I don't like to do is scare my wife, she's not from that school. But I'm gonna tell you an example. The last three nights, I would walk from my basement to my bedroom and I would have to keel on the floor, like, stop and drop to the floor, catch my composure until I could pee, run to the bathroom, pee. And then the walk to the bed was killing me. And then I'd have to do one of those things, A treatment inhaler. The inhaler with the fucking heat and all that shit.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And I had to get up in the middle of night to pee. Oh, boy, was it bad, really. And that Thursday, Friday and Saturday, the Saturday night was the worst. My blood pressure went up to 212 over 110 and my oxygen went down to 86. It was four in the morning and I knew I had to go to the doctor. I'm like, I gotta go to hospital. But I didn't want to get the ambulance at 4 in the morning in front of my daughter. So I said, I'll just go in the morning. And I went the next morning. And that's when we really. They did a nuclear blood test and they found out that I was overloaded with fluid and blood cells. Red blood cells, really. Because remember, I did testosterone when Mercy was first born. I ended up in the hospital with too many red blood cells. So I knew what it was. I was taking MK677. It's a peptide for recovery and sleep and makes you hungry as fuck, but you get fucking huge on that shit. You start lifting. Yeah. And that stuff is like a growth hormone. It makes sure it mimics a growth hormone. It's like my friend said, it's like Joe Rogan said, if you're gonna do testosterone, do testosterone. If you're gonna do growth, do it. But don't do things that are gonna stimulate that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Because somewhere it's gonna backfire. And it backfires for me. And it would drop. It would do like a insulin drop. So my blood sugar would go up, my blood pressure would go up. So I got off that and I haven't smoked again. I've been fine.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really. So how long has it been since you were. You went in the hospital?

[Tom Segura]

Three weeks. Three weeks.

[Bert Kreischer]

I've never fucking heard any of this.

[Tom Segura]

Well, what am I gonna say the first time I put a picture up and I got 9,000 calls. You know what I'm saying? I'm like, 9,000 calls, like, you know, And I'm like, I can't tell people I'm in the fucking hospital. My phone will blow up all fucking day.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, that's so funny. That's so you, Joey.

[Tom Segura]

So I didn't want to tell people, like, what do you do? Take a picture with tubes in your nose?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Like, look at me, I'm in the hospital. And then people like, oh, get well, get the fuck out of here. You know, I'm not gonna tell you I'm a Nazi. I'll tell you when I get out.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Why am I gonna take pictures in the hospital and embarrass you? And my daughter saw pictures like, that fucking hospital. What's wrong with you? I was like, you're right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Holy shit. Did you get scared during that time?

[Tom Segura]

Those last three nights were a little. Because now it went from me just hyperventilating and couldn't catch my breath and having a bad panic attack to me sweating. I was starting to sweat and my face was getting real red and I'm like, this ain't good. And my blood. Your blood pressure is 212.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

That never ends well. That never fucking ends well. I said, fuck it. I go. I went to a nutrition guy. I mean, I changed a lot of like, I had to.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

How to eat a lot more arugula for my blood pressure. I had a. I'm eating that stuff and it's pretty good. After two weeks that. See, you get from the ocean and you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Seaweed.

[Tom Segura]

Like, seaweed. Something else. I don't know what it's about. Sea moss. Yeah, it's like pretty intense. And you take like. I got some stuff that's blueberry flavored and strawberry flavor. And you fucking take it three times a day. Forget it hard ons, everything comes back. And that's what was crazy. I was really sick, but I was really horny. That was fucking the weirdest thing. Like, I was never horny until I went to the hospital.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And I couldn't bang one out in the hospital. Cause I'm a Catholic. You can't bang one out in the hospital. It's just not right, you know? But I was fucking super horny. I couldn't breathe. Like, even if I get pussy, I can't get a piece of pussy because I can't breathe. I just pump it one time and I'd go and spin out into a Panic attack. So fuck it. It was terrible, Burt. God, it was. Those last three nights were like, joey, you gotta do something with your life. And I got up the next morning, I did, like, three bongits. I was already dead, so I'm gonna go do three bongits. And I went right to the hospital. When I walked in, they were looking at me weird, like, you smoking pot last night. And I did edibles in there.

[Bert Kreischer]

You brought your edibles in?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah. And mushrooms too. Because how boring is it? The first week I went in there, so I was sober, Pete. When I had to go back, I put some edibles in my fucking backpack and some mushrooms. I got fucked up in there. God, fucked up with. My blood pressure would go up and my oxygen would drop. And at one point, I had, like, eight white doctors around me. They were flabbergasted, what's going on?

[Bert Kreischer]

Why?

[Tom Segura]

And I'm like, dog, I ate some edibles. Now I know what happens to your body. They were like. They called every white person in that Hindus. They had every smart person in that hospital. And they were all sitting around me going, we can't figure it out. How is your blood pressure high after all? And I felt like telling them, I got some edibles in me. I got 400 milligrams of me. Cocksucker. I couldn't do it. Yeah, you got to have a good time in there, because now it gets kind of boring.

[Bert Kreischer]

I can't imagine.

[Tom Segura]

You was great. I brought a computer. I brought a bunch of books. I tried to write in there, you know, you gotta feel. It's like doing a movie. Yeah, it's gonna suck if you don't bring anything. You better bring tv, a couple shots, a joint, a book, a computer, a notebook. You know, you gotta bring everything on those sets. If not, it's fucking brutal, you know? It is.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I gotta. I gotta clean up. I had a call with Leanne. I was. I was hammered last night. I was hammered. I had a. I was telling Pete I couldn't understand how it did. And I figured it out. A girl at the bar, hot as shit, very sweet Costa Rican chick, I guess, walked me to my room and I was like, hey, man, I'm married. She's just a good Samaritan. I was so drunk, I couldn't find my key. I didn't know what room I was in. And she was like, I'm going to get you to bed. And I woke up thinking she wanted to fuck me. She just got me to my bed. I told her the door I was like, it's not going to happen. And she's like, yeah, I know. But I talked to Leah this morning. She's like, yo, when you come home, you need to dry out. It's been this, this press run's been rough on me.

[Tom Segura]

How long has this run been?

[Bert Kreischer]

Two weeks straight. But it's been, you know, I still do phoners to radio stations, so I've been Getting up at 6 in the morning, 4 in the morning, la time, doing call ins until like 10, then going to sleep, going and do podcasts. I'm ready to just stop podcasting. Like I, if I could, I would, I would love to put everything on hold. You know, I've heard from like three people now that I really respect that. You should, you should put that podcasting is bad for stand up. You think you got lazy.

[Tom Segura]

Makes us lazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And I'm guilty. Before I throw anybody under the bus, I'm guilty of it because we didn't know.

[Bert Kreischer]

I've heard Colin Quinn, Louis CK and a guy I won't say, say should stop podcasting and focus on stand up. They're like, it's bad for stand up.

[Tom Segura]

If you listen to the last Rogan. I did, I told Rogan. But I just want to do stand up without podcasting for one year. I'll tell you why. It makes us lazy. And we've all done it in our specials. We all do it in our standup. We involve the podcast. And what we don't know is that special's on Netflix. The people that are sitting in the audience, they know what you're talking about, but the people at home, they don't know. So when you're talking about whatever, those are the people you need to worry about. Who's the hottest comic in America right now? Nate Bargazzi.

[Bert Kreischer]

Nate Bargazzi. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Nate said some stuff that I heard on a podcast that was brilliant and he was right. We're not doing comedy for the general public anymore as podcasters and we all fell into this, including myself. Before anybody goes, Joey, we include our podcast in our standup and that's good and bad. It makes us lazy. I mean, the podcast opened our eyes to people. Okay. I loved hbo, the boxing show. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

When they follow the boxers.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Because you could hate somebody. You're like, I hate that fucking dude. But then you find out his wife died and he raised his four kids by himself.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Way before he gets up at 4 to go box and he comes back home, feeds him, puts him on a bus, and then he's there at 3:30. Then he has to put him to sleep and his sister has to come home and watch the kids while he goes to train. 8 o'clock at night, after a full day at UPS or whatever the fuck they're doing, it makes you love somebody. And that's the same thing podcasting did for us. It showed. You know, when they see you on stage, they think, that's it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You're the end all, be all. They don't know that we have a complete different life. And that's really an act. It's an act for me. It ain't. It's the truth, but it's an act.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You're talking up there. I think with. With the podcast, we just involve it too much.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And it's our laziness, not the audience's fault. It's not even our fault. We didn't know. We did not fucking know. So. And I told this to Joe. I go, I think that I'd like to try it for a year. Just stand up. No more podcasting. Just to eliminate that. Oh, you know my story. We're letting the. We're thinking that the audience knows us and they don't. Yeah. When you do a show in Milwaukee, that's one thing, but when you do a special on Netflix, you got to assume, you know. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You.

[Tom Segura]

How many people watch this pressure so far? 10 million.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know.

[Tom Segura]

5 of those million.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Didn't come to your show.

[Bert Kreischer]

Definitely 5 of those billion didn't come to my show.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. So they were like, wow. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

That is crazy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I guess special Netflix probably pulls in. I'm guessing 10 million.

[Tom Segura]

10 million.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And. And you. And I'm definitely not selling 10 million tickets.

[Tom Segura]

No, but they're new people watching you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

It's like when somebody goes, oh, my God, I listened to the church last week. From the beginning. They just discovered you. Yeah, they just discovered you. And all this craziness. We thought they knew who we were. No, there's people that go to somebody's house and they go, have you seen this guy? And they go, oh, my God, I'm gonna watch that podcast in the beginning. And you're like, what the fuck are you talking about? Yeah, people that do that. Adam Sandler. Adam Sandler built a fucking A following. That's amazing. He got to you in college.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I remember.

[Tom Segura]

He got to you in college.

[Bert Kreischer]

Fuck yeah. Billy Madison.

[Tom Segura]

He got to you in college. And then you follow him all the way through.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, he's still my guy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, he's still your fucking guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, what the fuck are we talking about here? Yeah, he did it. So what? We do that, too? Some new kid just picks up an album one day and goes, I love this guy. He's calling you up, asking you creepy questions, hitting you on Facebook. And you're like, I've been around for 20 years.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

30 years I've been doing this shit. Now you. Yeah, because they're just learning who you are. But absolutely, I agree with Colin, I agree with Louis. I agree with anybody else. I think that we just. We play assume too much. We assume. And those are the people that turn your special. Who the fuck is this? Who the fuck is that?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I enjoyed your special a lot. Thank you a lot. I cried at the end because I knew Priscilla. That's what my wife even said. She goes, I never knew. Priscilla died. My wife was really upset. She was crying and shit. My wife was.

[Bert Kreischer]

That might be the best reaction ever.

[Tom Segura]

My wife was crying.

[Bert Kreischer]

Terry found out that Priscilla died.

[Tom Segura]

She was crying at the end. She goes, no, he's making me cry. I'm like, what the fuck? It was a good special. I like how you include everybody. You were dirty as fuck.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Which was fucking great. Like, you did not give a fuck. The thing about now that you could see your dick because you lost weight. Yeah. That's so true. Because people suck your dick. You don't know who's sucking your dick when you're chubby. You just pray for the best.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's the best.

[Tom Segura]

You just pray for the best. Like, who's sucking my dick? I have no idea. And you try to look, but that guts in the way. All you see is, like, a forehead and an eyeball. That's it. And you're like, I don't know who this person is. But you said some great stuff. And like I said, I don't even watch that many specials anymore because they've become even the Special. We got a special on Netflix every week now.

[Bert Kreischer]

Every week. Chelsea's just dropped today.

[Tom Segura]

Every week. And there's so much competition. So now the special has to be about something different, man. Now the special has to be about something different. It can't be 30, can't be an hour material. It's gotta go somewhere now.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

32 minutes with a fucking video at the end of you singing a song. It's gotta be something completely different because the special had been kind of burnt out in a way. And if you look at the older specials and you see the newer specials, I Don't know who gave these people permission to do what they do. Because if you look at the older specials, which I really enjoyed, they focused on you from the waist up, and that was it. The only one was like Richard Pryor live from the Sunset Strip. It was a big shot, you know, but if you look at the Lenny Bruce's and all those older Specials, it was 100% on you, no audience.

[Bert Kreischer]

And now it's got. Now we got spider cams coming in.

[Tom Segura]

Now we got spider cams and we got all this shit. And you think it makes the special look better, but I don't know. I think it breaks. I think that's why people can't watch a special past 32 minutes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Because it's. I'm watching the audience. It's a lot. Let me just watch this fucking guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'll tell you what, I'll even take it further. I missed. You know what I miss is. Is albums. I remember listening to Dave Attell's Skanks for the Memories and going, this is perfect. And it's perfect that I can't see it because it played to my imagination.

[Tom Segura]

I've always loved live albums.

[Bert Kreischer]

I fucking love live albums.

[Tom Segura]

It's a. You know, you put on one of the Richard Pryor ones and what you hear in the background. Or the Red Fox one.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

When you hear beer cans opening and. Oh, it's so lighter. A lighter lighting a cigarette.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And they were. You could see like Red Fox and. And the other guy, Pryor, weren't ever in a rush in those little blue clubs.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You know, it probably sat 200 bucks. His agent didn't call him and go, you're wasting your time. You need to be an 800 seater.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

It was just as pure as a special could be. Whether it's Pryor, I think two of the early Carlin ones.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Like an album I had, one of the best is like Bob Newhart. His albums are fucking great.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, amazing.

[Tom Segura]

Amazing. And I like listening to that. I like to hear the album going up and down, skipping. Maybe I miss that. And that's what I always wanted for podcasting. Podcasting wasn't supposed to be perfect. I love these guys with the $22,000 studios that was. We're doing pirate radio here.

[Bert Kreischer]

I loved the can. I tell you what my favorite I miss? Do you remember Rogan had that phone that would just ring in his office. You'd be doing a podcast. It'd just start ringing.

[Tom Segura]

Yes. Yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And you go, you're gonna get that he goes, the line's dead. I don't even know who the fuck has that number. And you'd hear it listening to a podcast. And then you do the podcast and it would ring. Oh, I love those. Old school. It was like my favorite was when I had microphones and you would come on and you get so excited. You move the microphone like this. Let me tell you something. Do you remember the time. I'll tell you what, I may find this and repost this. Just the audio. Do you remember the time Ralphie came over and he fell asleep?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then he woke up and he fell on the dollhouse and crushed the dollhouse?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God. That was such a surreal fucking night.

[Bert Kreischer]

God.

[Tom Segura]

Because Ralphie was going through a hard time in his life. And you called me at 7 and you're like, ralph, you'll be here at a quarter to eight ready to do a podcast. Do you want to do it with him? I go, yeah. And you said, you go, I don't know if he's gonna show. I don't know if he's gonna show. Let's see where he goes. I got that call today. We probably sat there for an hour and a half, wait for him. And he kept saying, I'm on Laurel player. I'm on Laurel Canyon player. I'll be right there. What the fuck? And then he showed up and he had the vapor pen.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And he kept trying to sell us that the vapor pen was fucking him up. And he would fall asleep, and he would wake up and he'd fall asleep.

[Bert Kreischer]

There's no camera for this, but you'd be telling a story, and then you'd look at Ralphie and you'd look at me, and you'd start, but you were still telling the story, going, he's sound asleep.

[Tom Segura]

Out of fucking sleep. And that was. It was 11:30 at night. We did like a two hour podcast.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

We get up. I'm high as fuck. I am high as fuck.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And we get up and you and I are talking. We're walking, and Ralphie's supposedly there with us. And all of a sudden you hear. And we're like, what happened? And Ralphie fell on the fucking dollhouse. He was laid out in the dollhouse. Get me out of here. And we.

[Bert Kreischer]

We had to lift him up.

[Tom Segura]

We lifted him up. And I could not laugh in his face because it would have broken his heart.

[Bert Kreischer]

And you got him to the car and you called me and you go, he crushed the dollhouse.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God.

[Bert Kreischer]

And we Were crying, laughing.

[Tom Segura]

Sometimes laughter gets stuck in your lungs, like you cannot laugh. And I held it. And then when we got to the car, he wanted to talk about whatever. And I'm like, I don't want to talk, Ralphie. I have to go let this laugh out of my chest. And finally got in the car. I didn't see that dollhouse. It was always an excuse. I can't keep smoking this reefer. The Chebo Chews. He was blaming everything. And I'll never forget getting in the car, going around the corner, and there's a subway right there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

It was 11:30 at night. Everything was closed on Laurel Canyon. And I just had to sit there and let that laughter out. And I must have laughed for 20 fucking minutes because I could not. That was the. Listen, I fell with him one time on Sunset. He fell with me. Yeah, same thing. We get out of his car and we're talking. Yeah, yeah. Bye. Bye. And I slammed the door, and we're like, yeah, yeah. Next thing you know, I'm like, where the fuck is Ralphie at? I look over, he's out on the street. On Schrader. No, whatever the fuck that street was. Gardner.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

There's a fire department right there. And it's Sunset. There's the. There's a guitar signing, all that shit. He's laying on his back on a metal bar he cracked. You know how they make a hole and they, like. They fix the street and they put a metal on top of the street to cover it, and it's got that half inch. Yeah, that's what he hit with his foot. And he just fell and went on his back. And I'm trying to pick him up, and I'm like, ralphie, get up. And he's like, I can't, player. I can't. And I'm trying to pick him up. And finally I'm like, ralphie, I'm not doing this. Cause they think I'm mugging you. People were already starting to pull up and going, what's that kid doing to him? Because he's on the floor and I'm trying to pick him up.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Finally a fireman came out. He's like, what's going on over there? I can't get this guy up. He's like, fuck you. I get up, I just hurt my ankle. You didn't hurt your ankle anything. Not to say he just fell.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And I remember picking him up and, like, for weeks, torturing him about that. Like, ralphie can't keep falling. The street. Fuck you. Player. I tripped over the thing on the street and shit like that. But that dollhouse night was something that I'll never forget. I'll never ever forget how funny he was in the dollhouse. He was all crinkled up like he was all disappeared.

[Bert Kreischer]

He landed on his stomach and it flattened, Flattened it. And we were laughing. I remember when you called me after you put him in the car. I had held it in and I fucking was standing in the backyard crying, laughing. Did you ever see him fall on Kimmel?

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

He fell walking out on Kimmel one time. Fell on the stairs to do stand up. I don't know where I saw the clip, but, man, dude, he was, you know, I, I. It bums me out because you see those clips. I don't think he really doesn't get the credit he deserves.

[Tom Segura]

No, he never did.

[Bert Kreischer]

He never got. I mean, he says he said things. Do you remember he had that bit about fat bastard? And he goes, oh, that's funny to you? Oh, I see black people laughing. What if we have black bastard? I'm talking a man so dark you throw salt in his face, it looks like deep space. What about Mexican ass bastard? A grown man with baby teeth. A grown man with baby teeth. How you gonna be a grown man with. He was so fucking.

[Tom Segura]

His.

[Bert Kreischer]

My favorite bit he ever did was the.

[Tom Segura]

Girls.

[Bert Kreischer]

You don't want big dick leaving your pussy looking like a horse reaching for a sugar cube. He was impossible to follow.

[Tom Segura]

He was so likable. He was such a good guy. Such a good fucking guy. Like, people will never understand that about him. How many people he helped, how many people he just gave money to out of his pocket, you know? I mean, he treated me like a fucking king. He would come back on Mondays with a huge yellow manila envelope filled with cash. He would take me to a weed store and go buy whatever the fuck you want. Meanwhile, he was spending 2, 3 GS. 23 GS at a weed store in the beginning, where they would come in, they go, we don't want nobody else in here. Ralphie had that type of pull at the weed stores already. We were going to Kushmart, and they would know the owner. I would call the owner and say, robin's gonna be there in 15 minutes. All right, I'll leave the back room open for him. Because he was going in there and dropping two, $3,000. And then he would put it in his fat. Remember? He would take the bags of ounces and put it in his fat and get on a plane and then he got caught in Guam with the weed and the dog died. And dog. He. Oh, then he got carried off the boat. He got sick on the boat.

[Bert Kreischer]

Cowhead's boat?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, Cowhead's boat. I mean, it was just. It was just a string of things with the last.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think. I think I saw him. I saw him before this. But one of the last times I saw him, he was on Cowhead's cruise. And he did not leave the bed. He was in the bed the whole time. And he was like, ah, player, I'm going through. I'm tired. I'm just so tired. I'm not smoking, I'm not eating. And then the Indian guy that worked, like the whatever, the bellman or whatever, the guy that would like, check our rooms, the maid. Indian guy goes, Mr. Ralphie's lying. Mr. Ralphie eats everything. And he's like, shut up. It was. And he would go, Mr. Burt, get Mr. Ralphie out of bed. Get Mr. Ralphie out of bed. We get him out of bed. And he. And then he did. Only time he got out of bed is to do stand up. And, man, he goes. He goes, why don't you close the show, Bert? And I was like, okay. And he went up and he fucking put one on them. Destroyed. And the guy got up on stage. I fucking ate a dick. Couldn't follow him.

[Tom Segura]

It wasn't that he was funny, it was likability. It was like following Dom Herrera back in the day. He was so likable that you were gonna bomb. Whether he bombed or not, you were gonna bomb because he was very likable. And that's what Ralphie and Doug. Let me tell you something. He had a great sense of humor. Like the thing that nobody knows is there used to be a club called Spellbinders. The Improv is there now or they moved out of that. Spellbinders was a big time Houston club. It was run by a lady named Kim Karnes. It was one of those clubs. The Houston Improv wasn't there yet. It was just the lap stop, the.

[Bert Kreischer]

Lap spot, the lap stop, the last spot.

[Tom Segura]

And then it was that club. Yeah, they had four big clubs at one time. I start calling them, you know, like anybody else. I get to LA and I'm calling them every week. Hi, I like to play your club. I'm in Houston at this club. I like the car. Send the tape. I ain't sending the tape. This went on for about six months and all of a sudden I call her one day, Kim or Lynn, whatever her name was.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And I go. I didn't. I didn't get claimants to do this. I dropped Ralphie's name. I go, well, Ralphie's a dear friend. And he said to give you a call. And there was silence. Silence. She goes, okay, let me think about it, and I'll call you back. Okay. About a month later, I got a couple lines in me. I'm by Ralphie's at night, laughing with him. And I said, ralphie, I hope I called Spellbinders and gave me your name. He's like, no, you didn't play it. And I'm like, yeah. He goes, man, I sued them. I go, why you sued him? He goes, because I fell through the stage. They didn't fix the stage. And then somebody told me the story that Ralphie's up there bouncing, and the fucking stage went right down. He fell right through the stage in front of 200 people. All you saw was a little head coming up from the stage. So Ralphie sued him. I didn't know this shit. I'm calling her using his name, and she's like. And all of a sudden he's telling me that he went through. But people were in the apartment, other friends from Houston. They were saying the stage wasn't broken. You broke it, you. Fuck you. I sued them, didn't I? Won.

[Bert Kreischer]

He got on stage with me in Nashville one time, took his shirt off and started dancing. There's a picture of me and him shirtless on stage. I was driving to go. I was driving. I had to drive to Atlanta. I had to drive to Georgia and see the girls. The girls were over in. At the lake house. And I was driving from Nashville to Bowden, and my phone rang and it was Joe. And he goes, how dare you? I shouldn't have to see that fucking picture. He goes, I'm gonna make you start putting your shirt on. If I gotta see Ralphie with his shirt off.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, you know, Ralphie had, like. I had a friend. I'm still friends with the guy 20 years ago, we're still friends. I just saw him about a year ago at a comedy club. He used to have a hot little girlfriend. Yeah, I mean, hot. And you could see she was hot to trot. She'd always come to me. Uncle Joey. Uncle Joey. Okay. How you doing? Nice to see you. You know, she dated one of my friends. I'm not gonna hit on her. Whatever. She was too young. Anyway, they ended up breaking up. And one night, this girl calls me out of the blue. I don't even know how she got my number. She's like, hey, Joey, I'm in Hollywood doing stand up and I'm stuck. I have no money to get home. Somebody stole my purse. And I go, well, I'm broke, but I got 10 bucks for you to get you home. And I said, I'm at the Comedy Store. I go, meet me up in front. My intentions were good. I knew this girl, she was young. When I go to give her 10 bucks, this bitch whips her leg open and shows me a little song. Okay, I gave her the 10 bucks. I didn't say nothing. I go home about three months later, I'm doing a room up in Pasadena. They always have those one nighters. Pick up like a hundred bucks. And she was there and she was again like the shirt was dripping, her tit was coming out and she's trying to tell me she needs money for this or that. I gave her 20 bucks, whatever. I don't hear from her. And one night I get a call at my house. I'll never forget this, a Sunday night. And it's this girl. She goes, uncle Joe, I need to talk to you. I need your help. And I go, what is the help? And she goes, I got a movie, it's SAG, but they want me to pay SAG. It's $2,500. Now, at the time, between you and I, I got 2,250 in the bank and that's it. I'm talking about $22. She needs 2,500. So I'm like, let me play this hand for a minute. This chick has always been kind of freaky.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

My wife's in the other room and I'm just dying with this girl. I go, so let me ask you this. If I lend you the 2,500, how are you going to pay me back? And she goes, well, once the movie shoots, I go, so the movie's three days, that's 600 a day. That's 18 after taxes and commission. That's 12 11. How are you going to pay me back? I mean, I want you to have some money. And she goes, I don't know, maybe I can make payments. I go, scratch that, let's just do this. Wear that little thong and a bra and I'll meet you at the Four Seasons. And there was. And there was quiet. And she goes, and what do I have to do? I go, what do you think you have to do? You have to fuck and suck. We'll have a great time. She goes, but you'll give me the 2500. I'll give it to you. Before we even start, we'll meet at the Four Seasons in Marina del Rey again. I got $22 in my pocket. I'm in no danger.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

She says, okay, let me make some plans, and I'll get a car and I'll meet you up there. I forget all about it. I'm talking to my wife. I mean. Then all of a sudden, my phone rings. It's Ralphie. Ralphie's like, where you at? Play. I'm outside. Let's go. I go, what are you doing outside? Because I came home early. Never forget, it's a Sunday night. He was never home on Sunday.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I run downstairs. I get in the car with Ralphie. He wants to go do this. He wants to go get sushi and Beverly. And as we're leaving, the phone rings and it's that girl. And I go, ralphie, pull over. And I give Ralphie the low down real quick. I go, don't say a word. I go, what's going on? And she goes, well, I really thought about it, and I'll meet you, but you're gonna have the money, right? I go, yeah. And I go. And she goes, what exactly do you want me to do? I go, listen, let's fuck a little bit. Maybe you could suck my dick. Maybe, you know. And she goes, hold on. I don't like giving head. I go, listen, it's 2,500. You're gonna have to eat. She goes, but what if I don't want to do that? I'll fuck you. And I go, well, I want to light your asshole on fire. That's how I said it. How about I light your asshole on fire? And she goes, I'll call you right back. And Ralphie's fucking dying in the car. He's like, I can't believe you said that to her. She calls back, like, 20 minutes later. She goes, I got my uncle to lend me the money. When I told her I was gonna light her asshole on fire, she went fucking awol. I got my uncle and me and Ralphie died for fucking. Like. He just had a different sense of humor for somebody from the South. Yeah, I always hit it off with him. When I first met him, he was living on Joey Medina's futon, and he broke it up by vine up there. Vine, off of fucking Santa Monica. He would just sit there and he cooked for everybody. That was always a great cook. He was a great cook.

[Bert Kreischer]

Great cook.

[Tom Segura]

And if he had some, he gave you half.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, that's the way he always came over. He came over to the house one time with the family. August was a baby. August was strong as fucking shit. I have a picture somewhere, a video of August holding a fucking six lifting up a 60 pound kettlebell. He was like in diapers. And Ralphie came over and he's like. He's like, yo, play, I'm make some barbecue. We'll bring the family together. And I was like, great. And he made the best goddamn barbecue. And he made his own barbecue sauce.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, he made his own sauce.

[Bert Kreischer]

He made his own sauce and it was so good. His sister came out to one of my shows in on Fully Loaded and she made. She. She pickled a bunch of, like, made a bunch of pickles and pickled some vegetables and made some jams and gave them to us. Dude, that food was in that fucking family. The pickles, Joey, are like hamburger size. They're so fucking thick and they're so good.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, man, I miss him a lot.

[Bert Kreischer]

I do too.

[Tom Segura]

As a standup comic, I miss him. I think when he died, some of the class went out in stand up comedy. Cause he was really classy guy. He really did his best to be a classy guy on all levels. He ran into whatever he ran into in the end. But I miss him like that. When I see those clips, I go, jesus Christ. The damage he would be doing today.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh my God.

[Tom Segura]

The damage he would be doing. Remember that? That was a 20 year run. He won last comic. What? 2007. He lost. Yeah, he lost. He came in second.

[Bert Kreischer]

He really won.

[Tom Segura]

He really won.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah, he did, but he lost. And you know, I was supposed to open for him in Houston, but I Got Spider Man 2.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So that was 2003. What am I saying?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it was 2003. Because George was born in 2004. I did Last Comic Standing 2, which was 2004.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

And Georgia, it premiered. Last Comic standing premiered on June 7, 2004. Because I was in the hospital holding Georgia, watching me on Last Comic Standing two.

[Tom Segura]

Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And I was like, man, thank God I didn't get on fucking last time. Comic standing. I would have fucking ruined me, Joey. I would have been. I would have never become a good comic. I just would have been that guy who had 10 minutes and what thought was. Did whatever he thought America thought he should do. Oh, that. You know, it's crazy, like the little blessings. But yeah, Ralphie, man, he was just. I really do miss him.

[Tom Segura]

I miss him. I miss a lot of people from stand up there was a lot of good people.

[Bert Kreischer]

We should call him and see who has his phone now.

[Tom Segura]

No, I don't call him. I still got his number in there. I've never erased it. Yeah, we lost a lot of good people to comedy, you know, over the years. And it's like the Comedy Store. I love the Comedy Store, but I can't walk in there anymore because the piano player's not there.

[Bert Kreischer]

God, I forgot.

[Tom Segura]

And that's my boy. That was always my boy. Whether he was gay, whatever. Yeah, he had a heart attack. But he was. He was a unique dude. He made my career because he's the one that said, joey, dance. Go up there and dance and I'll play music for you. And I'm like, what? He was. I saw you dancing the other day in the hallway. You had me killing me dance up there. And I was just. That. We started dancing, you know, he was just. There was just too many people that I don't know. I don't know. It's. But I do miss Ralphie. I miss Marilyn Martinez.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know her.

[Tom Segura]

She was a Comedy Store chick. She's the one that told me how to stop snorting coke before she died. She died like 10 days later. Really? She's like, God wants you to stop smoking, doing coke in the middle of a conversation. We were talking and she looked at me and she goes, God wants you to stop snorting coke. And I was like, that's the creepiest thing I've ever heard. But she never talked to me about my drug addiction. So for that night, for her to say that, it blew me the fuck away. Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, I'm glad you're doing better with the fucking lung shit. That's scary as fuck.

[Tom Segura]

I learned a lot from Ralphie. Yeah, Ralphie was very stand up conscious more than anybody else at the time. When he. When he wore the yellow jacket, bigger and blacker, I asked him why he wore it. And he goes, because if they're watching tv, they're gonna stop when they see that yellow jacket. There were so many little things he already knew.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You know, you gotta remember he was blowing up stages when nobody knew who he was getting. 200 hours. And I saw it. I saw him go. And I would go, fuck. When that guy starts hitting, it's gonna be scary, dude. It's gonna be scary. And I was right. I was fucking right. When he started hitting, it was destroying rooms. We used to torture him. Because in the beginning, when I first met him, I would go, how'd you do tonight? And he'd go, player. I got a standing ovation. I made out with three chicks. And then as the. Every night he took somebody with him, the girl would always go, you didn't make out with three chicks. Yes, I did. I made out with the one chick in the back. And then in the car, she's like, you didn't make out with her? And we would just torture him. He would come to me and go, I know, Ralphie. You got a standing ovation and you made out with three chicks. God damn it. I did. I did again. I think I had four. And I fingered the one girl, you know he was fucking. The creepiest thing ever happened with me and him. Cause I think he did San Francisco. Did he do San Francisco?

[Bert Kreischer]

I think so, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Did you do it? Did you ever do that? I quit. I quit the second night.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I've never. I never could have done it. And I would have been horrible.

[Tom Segura]

This is a fucking nightmare.

[Bert Kreischer]

But I bet he would have done that. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I think he did. I think he did. Because I remember doing one of the gigs with him, and we're getting on the elevator and his keys fell, and there was a little hole on the floor. And this could only happen to Ralphie. The keys fell in that fucking hole. And we couldn't leave. He had to get a locksmith to come fucking open up the elevator. The elevator guy had to come.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, for real?

[Tom Segura]

And get his fucking keys. Or not. He had to make them. Was a fucking nightmare. And I remember him going, man, I only made $200. This locksmith wants 250 or something. He was like, we were fucking just struggling.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And it's so weird how I was in Vegas one time opening for Joe. This has to be 1998. He was just wrapping up News Radio.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And we were doing the Riviera. The Riviera had that dirty show.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

On Friday and Saturday night. And I remember on the flight there on Southwest, Slash was on the plane. I go, that's so fucking weird. Slash is on the plane now. It's 98. They weren't really touring at the time. I don't know what Guns N Rose was doing. When we got to Vegas, I did the show with Joe. And then, like, at 1, I couldn't sleep, so I went to walk around and I saw Slash. He goes, hey, how you doing? How you doing, man? He goes, I know you're from the store, right? I go, yeah, yeah, you're friends with Chewy. And we just started talking, and I don't know how we Got on the conversation. He goes, the best part of what you're doing in your career, you're living it right now. He goes, once you make it, you start doubting, and it's not really a struggle anymore. But I want you to remember these times when you struggled, when you didn't have money for cigarettes, when you, you know, didn't have money for a hotel. Because this is the shit that makes you. And a lot of people don't. What's the word I'm trying to use? They don't process this. Yeah, this is. You have to keep this with you every day. The struggle that you did not about Lamborghinis and private planes. That struggle has to. That's what keeps me alive. That little struggle, knowing that, you know, I had to break into somebody's house to sleep on the road one time.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Like, I was walking. I had. The place didn't have a hotel, and I took a bus there. And I still remember, like, the bus wasn't coming till 8 in the morning. It's 4, and I'm walking around, it's freezing, and there was a guy who had, like, a little fucking window. And I just broke in there and put a garbage bag on top of me and slept until the bus came. I still honor that. I still think about that memory and go, wow. And I got on the bus like nothing happened and went to the next town and picked up my 50 fucking dollars. You know? God.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it's the struggle. The struggle is. I remember Ralphie said to me one time, he said, my first special, Comfortably Dumb was coming out. And he said, he's like, player, you better hope for a snowstorm. I said, why? It was in February. I think it came out in February. Pray for a snowstorm. Bert Kreischer. He goes, my special came out, and there was a blizzard, and the numbers are through the roof. Everyone's in the house. And he goes, you don't want rain. Rain takes out the electricity. You want snow. And when hey, Big Boy came out on Netflix, I wanted to text him so bad. He was already dead. But I wanted to text him so bad because, hey, Big Boy came out three days after Stay at Home orders. And I was like, ralphie, I got better than a snowstorm. The entire country is forced to be inside, and my special just dropped. I remember hearing Ralphie's voice in my head going, oh, shit, A pandemic. A pandemic's better than a snowstorm, player. God.

[Tom Segura]

So what are your plans now? That for the rest of the year I know you got a tour coming. It's not huge, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, it's big.

[Tom Segura]

It's big. How long does this last?

[Bert Kreischer]

It's. Starts in September and it'll be. I'm going abroad with it and it's arenas, so. Yeah, I go. I'm doing Red Rocks again. You should come out and do Red Rocks with me.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I'll do Red Rocks. Yeah. It's been a while. That'd be blast. That's such a great place, dude. I.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's my favorite place and my favorite venue.

[Tom Segura]

The world.

[Bert Kreischer]

The world. Come out and do very.

[Tom Segura]

I used to go see bands there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And I was always, like, blown the fuck away when I would go to how beautiful it was and to walk up there and the mushrooms and the fucking chicks and the whole fucking. It is great, man. What are you in Red Rocks, October 1st. Yeah, I'll come out with you because I got a bunch of. I'm picking up some dates in the fall. Two dates a month. Yeah. Casinos, shit like that.

[Bert Kreischer]

God, that would be great to have you out there. Yep. October 1st. Yeah, it's a Wednesday.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, that's even better.

[Bert Kreischer]

October 1st, red rocks.

[Tom Segura]

I gotta go out there. I miss Colorado.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I can't convince the girls to go out there with me. It's killing me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Joe was just there two months ago and he was. I just miss it. I just want the girls to see.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah. I was talking to Joe on the phone. When he was out there.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. When he was out there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I want the girls to see it. I want them to see. Where? God's land. That's what I call it. That's God's land.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'll tell you what. We do it right when we do Colorado, I'll have Leanne reach out to Terry and we'll set it up. It is so cool.

[Tom Segura]

How do you do it? How do you do it?

[Bert Kreischer]

We get these. We rent out a whole hotel that's all on a river and in Evergreen, and we rent out the whole hotel and everyone's there. It's so fucking great, Joey. It's so great.

[Tom Segura]

I need a couple days in Colorado.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Okay, let's. Listen, I'm excited for.

[Tom Segura]

We were thinking about where to go in August, and I'm like, Colorado's just not. I mean, you want to see it in the summertime.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

But you also want to see it in the winter.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You know, I love all that. Like, I would start in Aspen and take them back down Independence Pass because that only opens three months a Year, two and a half months a year. And you better catch it by mid September. If not, you're done. God.

[Bert Kreischer]

Colorado.

[Tom Segura]

Great. And I was gonna move that bird. I was already a move there. I was going to move to the other slope, Grand Junction towards there. I was going to go away from Aspen, Telluride. That's where I wanted to move.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow.

[Tom Segura]

And I saw a couple of houses that I could afford. The problem was it fucking. There was not going to be school for a year. There was closed. I was moving during the pandemic that already said no school till at least January, maybe the whole year. I'm like, I can't have her in the house till January. No fucking way.

[Bert Kreischer]

There was a healthy.

[Tom Segura]

For Isla and Jersey. They had school already. They would. You know, it was very. They were closed one day or whatever, but at least they tried it. Yeah, they had the computers. And it sucked for everybody whether you had to go to. It's kind of weird that this last week. Last Monday was five years since that fucking thing. Just the plan. St. Patty's Day. Everything got shut down on the 14th, which was Friday. I was coming to New York City to shoot finish the Soprano movie.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And I was gonna come in on Tuesday, do Nyack on Wednesday and Thursday. And then that weekend, I was gonna buy a house. That's what I was doing that week. And then I was. Me and my wife were coming back April 4th. That was the plan, to close the house and get everything moved. All of a sudden, the pandemic happened and I couldn't come back. And I thought about coming back, but the guy who spread Covid was the Jewish guy who went to Italy to ski. And he came back to his neighborhood, and everybody got it. So I'm like, I'm not. Looks like I'm not going to Bergen County. We wanted to definitely get out. Like, at that point, we were like, we got to get the fuck out of here. When I saw. I saw Latin King's tattoo on by the park. And I saw one by the school.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

The school where our kids went to. I saw that. I just saw a lot of shit. Like, now they say that neighborhood is not good.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Everybody had to put fences up. People just walk into your yard. That there's people.

[Bert Kreischer]

That was when. That was the. Our last straw, where we're like. We're like, we're gonna get out of the neighborhood. Was a guy overdosed in our front yard. Leanne had to call 91 1, and she's on FaceTime with me. Like, there's a guy, he's passed out in our front yard. He's. He's overdosed. And they came in, they gave him Narcan, and he woke up and they took him to the hospital, but it was like. Yeah. And that was when we were redoing the house, man. That was when it was getting scary, too, because once you put a fucking porta potty in your front yard, you become a homeless haven. Every homeless guy in the world took a. In that front yard. We had to turn. We had to. We had to empty that porta potty like, twice a week because homeless guys would.

[Tom Segura]

There was.

[Bert Kreischer]

I pulled up one time, and there was a line in my. Like, guys, a guy was waiting to take a. In my porta potty in my front yard. And I was like, all right, I'm.

[Tom Segura]

Where do you live now? Up north?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, we live over in Sherman Oaks.

[Tom Segura]

It's kind of funny how everybody kept saying, something's going on with those comedians. They're all leaving in a rush. We'll find out in time. There was nothing going on. It was just time to go. If you were there.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think every. I think, you know, I think it was the right time for everyone to move. It was the right time.

[Tom Segura]

It was right for me, and it hurt me to leave, and it bothered me a little bit, but I knew that I didn't want to raise my daughter there. That area was getting worse, and I didn't see the point anymore. You could live anywhere right now and do comedy. You can live anywhere. It broke my heart to leave the store, and it broke my heart to leave my friends, But I had to do it for myself and for my family. I had done. You know, this is another thing I look at and I look at. And when I say this, it's a little hypocritical, because if I knew what I knew now, I would have got out of l. A in 2013, 2014.

[Bert Kreischer]

If I knew what I knew now, I would have gotten out of L. A in 2008.

[Tom Segura]

But the problem was I also enjoyed what was happening at the comedy store from 2000. How.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, how fucking lucky were we to be at the Comedy Store when. And be in LA when the guy. Now that has changed the landscape of media in general, was creating the thing. And I mean, those early episodes of Rogan, like, I mean, I. You know, I love Joe, but I think he's so much smarter than me that I, like, I get lost when he tells me things. Like, I do his podcast now, and I just sit There and nod. I'm like, yeah. I'm like, I'm not as smart as you, Joe. He knows so much shit about. So much shit. I'm like. Like those early Rogans when he was just a meathead. Those were the fucking. The funniest podcast.

[Tom Segura]

We used to go on there and go crazy. You knew it. That you were gonna get it. You knew you were gonna get a great response. When I went on Rogan, I knew I was going on Johnny Carson, the 70s.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I knew that everything I had to say had to be gold.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

If not, it's gonna, you know. And I read a thing about a year ago, comics, like, I went on there. Nothing happened for me. Well, you went on that. Talking. That okie dokie shit you talk about. You gotta go outside the box in Rogan. I said some shit that I dread saying on Rogan. Dread saying. I got like four people on Facebook that they want to throw me under the jail for. What I said about them on Facebook, I really don't care. It was true. And it was that time to say it was 40 fucking years ago. And that's what I've always thought a podcast is about to be fucking crazy. But then they started telling you what we can't and can't say now. I haven't given a fuck in five years. You want to cancel me?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Try it. Who gives a fuck? I say whatever the fuck I want now. I really do. I really it. Why? Why? Because I'm hurting your feelings. I wasn't put on this planet to fucking help your feelings, and I wasn't here to hurt your feelings. But if you're getting hurt by what comes out of your mouth, go fuck yourself. And that goes for everybody.

[Bert Kreischer]

One of the producers was. I was. Of the. One of the TV shows I was doing. I watched your special. Are you concerned? And I said about what? She goes with some of the stuff you say, you know, you afraid you're gonna get, you know, in trouble? And I was like. I was like, I.

[Tom Segura]

That ship sailed.

[Bert Kreischer]

I go, honey, I can't even tell you the thing you're talking about. I don't even know what you're talking about. So I have no fucking problem. I don't know what the fuck you're even mentioning. Like, it's crazy.

[Tom Segura]

It just became something else. And people. But you keep doing what you're doing and fuck them, let them fucking worry about it. Fuck them, let them worry about it. You know, it's. It's sad that we can't say the shit we wanted to or that Pete, some people don't want that shit said, you know, And I get it. There's a lot of people out there that do shit just for attention and you're not getting nowhere. This is a business at the end of the day.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So that nonsense you're talking, this is a business. So you think about it. But you're gonna go say what's in your heart. Like, about a month ago, Selena Gomez went off about the Mexicans. She was crying. And I saw a guy that I know from L. A, he's way older than me, about 65, family, did a lot in Hollywood. Like, he comes from a big time Hollywood family.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

He had one show as a writer and you think he wrote. You think he's Martin Scorsese? He only wrote one thing and they put him on that just as there was a lot of shows going on. They put him on there as a writer, yell at him. He's never worked again. He lives on a trust fund. And the day or two after that whole Selena Gomez thing, this guy put on his Facebook. I side with Selena Gomez. Whatever. I agree with Selena Gomez. And I looked at that statement. Let's pretend he's 65, 66. Why would you say something like that? Because now you go to your fucking coffee shop and your little white friends are going to tell you, you're so brave. Oh, my God, we side with Selena Gomez too. You know what makes a man say that? I don't know. That's la. Yeah, that's that whole mindset of, you know, I see people now that hate Joe Rogan because they can't work his club. Oh, yeah, there's a bunch of people that hate him now because he, he made Trump the president, you know, all that dumb shit that I just look at and go, what the fuck are you talking about? You know, it's just so sad that for a while we let it. We can't. We're comics, we're not actors, we're not LA people. We're fucking comics. You want to talk about politics, do it on your own fucking time or make it funny. But now you're making it your end all be all. That's not what we did. Older comics tend to go to politics because obviously run out of material, you know, obviously you just can't say no more. Mercy stories or Terry stories, stories. So you switch over. But I never wanted to forget who the fuck I was. Yeah, that was never gonna happen in this fucking thing. That was never gonna happen for me. And that's what you see now. You see people who forgot what the fuck they were. At the end of the day, we're just dirty comics. Don't look at it past that. There's no genius here. He's a genius. There's no genius here. I could be doing this for money, or I could do it on a corner in Jersey and a deli for my crazy friends. There's no genius here. Yeah, you know, he's a great actor. Well, listen, I know he went to England, but Queen Latifah fell off a fucking boat in Newark, and she could act. So what are we getting here? They gave themselves too much tapping on the back like Daniel Day Lewis. Go fuck yourself. Go suck my dick. Nothing bothers me more when they say he's a funny comedian. Again, I'm not putting him down. What's the guy's name that was married to the chick from Saturday Night Live? The blonde.

[Bert Kreischer]

Will Arnett.

[Tom Segura]

Will Arnett. Will Arnett's the sweetheart of a guy, but don't call him a comedian around me ever again. He's a comedic actor. That's a big difference. That's when there is a director and they say, cut. Let's say that again. We don't work with a director. We are the director of our party. So I think that everything got out of control. When you say comedian, you know, it's like, I saw something online a couple months ago about podcasters are a lot funny on the podcast, and they are. These podcasters want to go on the road now. You never did stand up and you saw a lot of theater because. But you're not saying nothing to them. That's worth it. No, you know, we worked at it. This is what the fuck we do.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I'm way better at comedy than I am podcasting.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm not a journalist. I know. I interrupt. I fucking talk over people.

[Tom Segura]

I tell the story.

[Bert Kreischer]

Story that is like your story, but I think it's better. I'm, like, the worst at podcasting. I have fun because I get to hang out with my friends.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then people enjoy it. And if people don't enjoy it, then. Then I don't enjoy it. But, yeah, it's. Yeah, it's. It's funny, man. Yeah. Do you remember when Ralphie tore down Seth Rogen's picture at the Improv? They put up Seth Rogen as one of the, you know, comics, and Ralphie lost his mind.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because that lost his mind.

[Tom Segura]

What is this insult all of a sudden that you're comparing them to us or comparing. I can't act. I can't go up against fucking, you know, Daniel Day Lewis. Yeah, but don't, don't. Don't say this guy's a comedic, a comedian. He's not a comedian. He's a comedic actor.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And that's why I take my pride. I don't have a director. You know, Roseanne is crazy as batshit, but she was on Larry King Live and she said it best. When you're a comedian, you're a producer, you're an actor, you're a writer, you're a director, you do it all, bitch. We do it all. Yeah, we do it all without even knowing what we're doing. They do something, they call it producing. I produce a night. Go fuck yourself. You call three guys, you give them a hundred dollars, they come down and do comedy. What producer? You couldn't fucking produce a pillow fight. What fucking producer are you? So all these titles, it's like directors. Yeah, they got a camera now. They're a director. No, you're not. No, you're not. That's why there's so many shitty movies on Apple. And all these fucking streaming. They got tons of stuff on those streaming stuff. You're just not gonna watch it. It's some guy who got a camera, directed a short, then became a director, and somebody paid him for it. And you're like, what the fuck is this? We all are around giving ourselves the pats on the back. And that's not what this is about with dirty comics. Yeah, that's it. I don't want it. Nobody wants to hear nothing out of my mouth except for stupidity and dirt.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dirt.

[Tom Segura]

They don't want to hear me talk about what I think about the China relations. Yeah. And I don't even know. I don't even know. Go to war. I don't give a fuck. I'm still waiting for fucking Israel to blow up everything. So this week they shot Kennedy. Now it's like that. Like, we have these people that are fucking into who shot Kennedy, who's on the Epstein list. It's not going to make a difference in your life. You're still going to be a stiff, and you're still going to have to jerk off three times a day. It's none of your business. It's on the Epstein list. Like you're ever going to find that. You're never gonna. All these white people walking around. Oh, my God. Like, I was on the elevator at the hospital one day. Some guys on there, like, I can't wait till they release the Kennedy list. Why? He got shot in the head 60 fucking years ago.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, who sh.

[Tom Segura]

Who gives a fuck who shot him? We can't bring him back.

[Bert Kreischer]

They're all dead now.

[Tom Segura]

But we worry as Americans about the dumbest things that have nothing to do with us and how we're gonna move forward. Fuck all that nonsense. I don't want to hear it. I don't want Diddy. I don't give a fuck about Pete Diddy. I don't give a fuck about who's on his list. He never invited me to get my dick sucked, so fuck him. Right or wrong, they never invited me. They never invited you.

[Bert Kreischer]

I never got invited. Yeah, well, that's the end of this podcast that's gonna stick this room up. Joey, I love you.

[Tom Segura]

I love you, too, man. It was great.

[Bert Kreischer]

Love you to death.

[Tom Segura]

I'm happy you had me on here. Oh, that's a good. Okay. What do you got? Dates. What do you got, my brother?

[Bert Kreischer]

Permission to party. World Tour starts September. September 19th. And Joey Diaz and I will be at Red rocks Redober 1st.

[Tom Segura]

October 1st. I got a. I got New Jersey pack. June 28th. Tickets sold out. But don't buy any tickets at that. More than 120. Don't waste your time. Wait till the day of the show. I got Moon Tower. 2. Shows are sold out. They're done.

[Bert Kreischer]

Nice.

[Tom Segura]

And I got Philadelphia, May 18th at Parks Casino and a date in August. Tickets are on sale now. And that's it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love you to death.

[Tom Segura]

I love you too, man. Thanks for thinking of me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Fuck you up, Bert and Tom. Tom and Bert. One goes topless while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories, and Burt's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that.

[Tom Segura]

They'Ll get the queen.

[Bert Kreischer]

Here's what we call two bears, One cave.