Live from the Rose Bowl | 2 Bears 5K ft. Jelly Roll, Ari Shaffir, Joe DeRosa & Are You Garbage?

Summary

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Podcast Summary: 2 Bears, 1 Cave – Live from the Rose Bowl | 2 Bears 5K

Hosts: Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Guests: Jelly Roll, Ari Shaffir, Joe DeRosa, H. Foley, Kevin Ryan ("Are You Garbage?")
Date: May 18, 2026
Recording: Live at the Rose Bowl, during the "2 Bears 5K" event, as part of Netflix Is A Joke Fest

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Episode Overview

This electrifying live edition of "2 Bears, 1 Cave" takes place in front of an enthusiastic crowd at the Rose Bowl, as part of the annual "2 Bears 5K" event. Hosts Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer are joined by various comedian friends—in particular, Jelly Roll (now almost 300 lbs down), Ari Shaffir, Joe DeRosa, and both H. Foley and Kevin Ryan of the "Are You Garbage?" podcast. The group celebrates weight loss journeys, raucous stories, bodily confessions, and the community created by the 5K event, blending heartfelt moments with outrageous, signature Two Bears humor.

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Key Themes & Discussion Points

1. The 2 Bears 5K & Community Transformation

• Personal Bests and Weight Loss: Both hosts and guests congratulate participants on setting personal records and share incredible weight loss stories, most notably Jelly Roll’s.
  • Bert (01:20): “Just shy of a 5K…Thank you guys for coming out.”
  • Tom (03:02): “Ladies and gentlemen, Jelly Roll… Today he’s weighing in anywhere between 250 and 270.”
• Inspirational Stories: Audience members have undergone radical transformations, meeting partners and changing lifestyles through the spirit of the event.
  • Jelly Roll (03:39): “This dude lost...met his wife at the second [5K] and lost a lot more weight. Now him and his wife are here for the third one.”

2. Fat-Guy Life: Jokes, Memories, and Milestones

• Relatable Fat Struggles: Everyone shares brutally honest and funny stories about life at higher weights—including challenges like stairs, airplane bathrooms, booths at restaurants, and public bathrooms.
  • Jelly Roll (05:21): “I would Google venues and try to zoom in and look at chairs or like restaurants.”
  • Bert (06:39): “Shoelaces fucking suck.”
  • Jelly Roll (07:00): “The idea of me tying my shoe… that’s fucking absurd.”
• Positive Changes: Now, these obstacles are gone—roller coasters, getting on the floor, sex positions—and the group bonds over what they can now do.
  • Jelly Roll (07:30): “To not be positionally challenged anymore.”
  • Tom (09:33): “I remember on the first 5K, we did crossing the line with you and Bunny and Leanne… Bunny saying, I think you guys might have just saved his life.”

3. Honest Reflections and Camaraderie

• Changes Sparked by Friendship and Events: Jelly Roll credits the event (and Bert’s “every-man” relatability) for giving him hope.
  • Jelly Roll (09:59): “I didn’t have another 30 months of living like that in me when y’all announced this. It was a godsend, man… If fuck Kreischer does this, I can do this.”
• Inclusive Atmosphere: The 5K is lauded as a judgment-free, welcoming space for anyone, regardless of speed, ability, or lifestyle.
  • Jelly Roll (10:40): “Anybody could show up… They could walk it, drink beer, smoke joints, praise God… You’re a come one, come all kind of crew.”

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4. Comedian Banter & Memorable Stories

• Body Transformations and the Extremes of Weight Loss
  • Ari Shaffir, H. Foley, Kevin Ryan share their own progress and the perverse competitions among comedians.
    • Kevin Ryan (26:10): "I'm down like £50."
    • Joe Rogan-style Guest (26:23): "Like 75 pounds… all organ tissue."
  • Body Fat Scans: Everyone shares their grim DEXA scan results, poking fun at each other's remaining "tiny little balls" and high percentages.
    • Tom (27:34): “They said I was 40% fat. Which, out of 100%, doesn’t sound that bad.”
• The Ozempic/Manjaro/Weight Loss Drug Era: Candid confessions that the popular GLP-1 drugs are being used (“It’s like Zoloft for fat people”). The group both lampoons and takes pride in the honesty.
  • Tom (28:01): “I am on Manjaro. I am doing the Terazeptide shot… It works. I’m down £50.”

5. Showbiz Stories & Embarrassing Encounters

• Failures with Celebrity Encounters: Bert recounts bombing a story in front of Eddie Murphy (30:00), and hilariously embarrassing exchanges at comedian brunches.
  • Bert (30:11): “I was telling him a story about his brother… At the end, he looks at me and goes, ‘Is that the end of the story?’”
• Gossip and Self-Deprecation: Jokes about missing showbiz events, being “not invited,” having their physical and social insecurities on full display.
  • Kevin Ryan (35:31): “We didn’t even get invited to this. We had to register online.”

6. Discussion Highlights with Ari Shaffir & Joe DeRosa

• Ari’s Travels, Yoga and Beard: Ari didn’t run the 5K, but led yoga and jokes about traveling the world. His beard becomes a topic of discussion.
  • Ari (51:18): “I taught a yoga class… I was already heat stroked.”
• Honesty Around Narcissism and Friendship: The group gets vulnerable (within reason), discussing how narcissism isn’t always negative and the importance of friends for sticking to positive changes.
  • Tom (58:07): “My therapist says you can be a good narcissist.”
• Fat Tom vs. Skinny Tom, Fat Bert vs. Skinny Bert: The group debates who was “better” fat and shares stories of comic gluttony, like Tom’s epic pecan pie phase.
  • Ari (61:23): “Tom fat was such a piece of disgusting… He would travel with hot sauce.”
• Health Confessions: Ari’s straight-faced diarrhea and blood stories—grotesque, but in keeping with the show’s oversharing spirit.
  • Ari (70:16): “It’s not cancer. So [the doctor]’s like, fuck it. I don’t know.”

7. Capping Off: Awards & Farewells

• Trippy Award: Ari gives a tongue-in-cheek award to Bert for "Best Trip" on his travel podcast.
  • Ari (72:18): "Every year we go to a different place, and best trip last year was none other than Bert Kreischer."
• Plugs & Closing: Rapid plugs for new podcasts, Netflix shows, and heartfelt thanks to the crowd.
  • Tom (73:19): "Make sure to watch new show Bad Ideas."
  • Joe DeRosa (73:29): "Please watch my new podcast on YMH—'Vile and Horrendous.'"
  • Bert (73:41): "I'll tell you what, we'll do it again next year. Different city, we'll travel, we'll make it a fucking blast!"

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Most Memorable Quotes

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote | |-----------|----------|--------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 03:39 | Jelly Roll| "This dude lost…met his wife at the second [5K] and lost a lot more weight. Now him and his wife are here for the third one." | | 05:21 | Jelly Roll| "I would count staircases…I would Google venues and try to zoom in and look at chairs or like restaurants." | | 09:59 | Jelly Roll| "I didn’t have another 30 months of living like that in me when y’all announced this. It was a godsend, man." | | 28:01 | Tom | "I am on Manjaro. I am doing the Terazeptide shot…It works. I’m down £50." | | 30:11 | Bert | "I was telling him [Eddie Murphy] a story about his brother…He looks at me and goes, 'Is that the end of the story?'" | | 58:07 | Tom | "My therapist says you can be a good narcissist…Narcissism creates shit like this." | | 61:23 | Ari | "Tom fat was such a piece of disgusting. He was more gross than you were. Oh, yeah, your belly's pushed out. Tom was a sag." | | 70:16 | Ari | "It’s not cancer. So [the doctor]'s like, fuck it. I don’t know." |

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Important Timestamps and Segments

• 00:54 - Tom and Bert greet the crowd; event energy is introduced.
• 02:35 - Jelly Roll’s major entry; crowd celebrates his transformation.
• 04:08 - Emotional retelling of participants’ life-saving weight loss.
• 07:20 - Fat-guy life: "First time I ever rode a roller coaster was as a 41-year-old adult male." (Jelly Roll)
• 10:23 - Jelly Roll on inclusivity of the 2 Bears 5K.
• 12:50 - Jelly Roll shaves 14 minutes off his prior 5K time.
• 26:10 - Are You Garbage guys share weight loss wins and scan stories.
• 28:01 - Tom openly discusses using Manjaro/weight loss medication.
• 30:11 - Bert's awkward Eddie Murphy encounter.
• 51:18 - Ari Shaffir on yoga, beard, and why he didn’t run this year.
• 58:07 - Tom on therapy, narcissism, and positive selfishness.
• 61:23 - Ari’s savage assessment of "Fat Tom".
• 70:16 - Ari’s infamous "shitting blood" story and nonchalance.
• 72:18 - Ari presents Bert with a (humorous) Trippy Award for his Vietnam trip.
• 73:41 - Tom & Bert thank the audience and promise to return next year.

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Tone & Atmosphere

The show is raucous, bawdy, relentlessly honest, and full of banter. The hosts use their trademark blend of heartfelt vulnerability and gross-out comedy, but there’s a real sense of camaraderie and support—especially around the health transformations celebrated by the group and their fans. They lampoon their own excesses and flaws, and the live audience amps up the energy.

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Closing Thoughts

This live episode is a celebration of both irreverent humor and actual life changes. The comedians' over-the-top self-deprecation and confessions make space for genuine stories of hope, encouragement, and transformation. At its core, the "2 Bears 5K" is as much about community and acceptance as it is about comedy, and the episode lands as a hilarious, inspiring romp through the absurdities and triumphs of fatness, friendship, and finding oneself slightly less winded with each passing year.

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Transcript

[Bert Kreischer]

What's up?

[Unknown Speaker (possibly a promoter or host)]

Are you in Austin? Are you visiting Austin? Do you live in Austin? Well, I welcome you to. Please come check out Ciccio Bomba. That is the Italian bakery that I have opened in Austin. We are now at three locations. We're at the Fairground Food hall underneath the Wells Fargo building downtown. We are in the lobby of the Scarborough Building and we have our all new flagship location at 1100 South Lamar, right in front of the Alamo Drafthouse. We have pastries, we have coffee, we have homemade Italian sandwiches, we have pizza, we have pasta. So just come in, rub my big belly. It's in our statue. Eat some food and enjoy yourself. And I hope you have a good time at Chichabomba, which means a little fat ass.

[Unknown Speaker (brief interjections)]

100%.

[Tom Segura]

Cheers. Hello, everybody.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hi, everyone.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, this chair feels fucking nice.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God.

[Tom Segura]

Did anyone else send a person best today? Is anyone down weight from the first time they ran it? They're out of breath.

[Bert Kreischer]

Anyone set a really crazy time on the first heat? Five minutes.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, 22 minutes. Personal best.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow.

[Tom Segura]

Just shy of a 5K.

[Bert Kreischer]

Thank you guys for coming out. Give yourselves a round of applause. Thank you for being here, everybody.

[Tom Segura]

This is a live podcast. We have a bunch of comedians. We're going to bring them up, in and out. My name's Bert, this is Tom, and we are live at the Rose Bowl.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes, sir. I just cramped walking up to this. My calf cramped and I'm scared about the next hour.

[Tom Segura]

My toenail is going to come off. Fucking cool, by the way. Yeah, you can have my toenails, sir.

[Bert Kreischer]

Fuck yeah, dude. Sell that shit.

[Tom Segura]

I'll tell you, this is such a cool, cool experience and it's so nice to see all these people out here and to see so many familiar faces with the fun T shirts. I see one where I'm tucking my dick between my legs. Thank you.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's awesome.

[Tom Segura]

A picture from when Tom and I did a show with Vivid porn stars. Yes, we saw Evan Stone's Cocktail.

[Bert Kreischer]

That was a great day. Yes, that was a really great day. Oh, yeah, that's me as. Yeah, a cool lady. Brigitte. Sorry.

[Tom Segura]

So I think it's only fitting if we start off this podcast by bringing up what I think is the third bear, the third biggest, most important guy here. It's me, Tom and Jelly. Every time we do these, he's did this the last time two years ago at I think over 500 pounds. Today, he's weighing in anywhere between 250 and 270. Oh, ladies and gentlemen.

[Unknown Speaker (possibly a promoter or host)]

Wow.

[Tom Segura]

Jelly roll, Jelly.

[Joe Rogan]

I love y'.

[Tom Segura]

All.

[Jelly Roll]

What's up, Los Angeles? Burke, I'm sure you've already been talking about it, but this microphone is scorching hot. Was your microphone.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's really hot.

[Jelly Roll]

I might have to borrow a towel.

[Tom Segura]

Did I see that towel? Singing scary.

[Unknown Speaker (possibly a promoter or host)]

Feel that.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, fuck. Oh, that's going to catch on fire.

[Jelly Roll]

Fucking watch out for that one.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right, I'll move that one to the shade.

[Jelly Roll]

I heard so many stories out there. We finished with a guy who lost 300 pounds when he heard about this race two years ago.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, that was amazing.

[Jelly Roll]

So that was two guys that have lost 250. Where's that? What, is he still here? If y' all know this guy, but he's got a shirt that says every mile matters. He's. What is. He met his wife at last year at Tampa. You want to talk about a real Two Bears love story, Tom?

[Bert Kreischer]

That's pretty crazy.

[Jelly Roll]

This dude lost. He heard about the first one, lost a bunch of weight to run in the second one and then met his wife at the second one and lost a lot more weight. Now him and his wife are here

[Joe Rogan]

for the third one.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's awesome. You guys should do anal tonight. You've earned it. That's amazing.

[Tom Segura]

What's amazing is he showed us a picture of him at his biggest and I think everyone's got one of those pictures. And you always wish I was a little bit bigger because I've lost the weight. And his is the best biggest picture I've ever seen. Family came to his house to say goodbye to him. They thought he was going to die. And today he ran a fucking 5K.

[Jelly Roll]

Let's go.

[Bert Kreischer]

Isn't it cool that you can laugh at that now?

[Tom Segura]

It's hysterical. Now that you are bigger than my 600 pound life, bro.

[Joe DeRosa]

You.

[Bert Kreischer]

You can laugh about the fact that you had a funeral planned. Everyone was like, we got to get this huge fucking casket. They make one for the circus. We can borrow it. Jelly, you came down how much since this whole thing started? You're down several hundred.

[Jelly Roll]

Almost. Almost 300 pounds.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's incredible.

[Tom Segura]

Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can I ask you, when you look back as a guy who has gone so far now in this, like, fitness kind of ride, what was like, what did you used to think when you saw just like a staircase? Oh, Jesus. Used to go like, fuck me, we're staying down here.

[Jelly Roll]

I counted them.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Jelly Roll]

I would count staircases. I would Google venues and try to zoom in and look at chairs or like restaurants.

[Joe Rogan]

How many?

[Jelly Roll]

You know what I'M saying. I mean, I was so fat.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, this is a fun game. Yeah, let's do fat guy things that no one else thinks of. Yeah. By the way, a booth. Fuck a booth.

[Jelly Roll]

No, no, boost the biggest one, though. For years, Tom, and I'm sure you went through this even when. Because you wasn't that fat, but you were still pretty fucking fat.

[Tom Segura]

Hold on, hold on. Tom was way fatter than he pretends. Just because you didn't get on the scale of 315 doesn't mean you weren't 315, you asshole.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was never 315, bag of shit. No, I did not.

[Tom Segura]

Tom was the Rachel Dolan's all of fat.

[Jelly Roll]

Airplane bathrooms. Oh, I used to have this nightmare because they were so small, I couldn't turn around in them. So if I had to walk in and pee, that wasn't a problem. I would just back out. But my fear was, if I ever had to shit, I was gonna have to back in. You know what I'm saying?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

They'd see you going in to take a shit. I like to back into this bathroom.

[Bert Kreischer]

So airplane bathrooms, we know. Stairs suck. Shoelaces fucking suck.

[Jelly Roll]

Listen, my mama's still. My mama's. I'm from a competitive family. My mama's fat,

[Tom Segura]

okay?

[Bert Kreischer]

She was like, you think you're fat to this day?

[Jelly Roll]

You know how fat people are. Tie their shoe on the side. My mama's shoe slices are always tied over here.

[Bert Kreischer]

Over there. Yes.

[Jelly Roll]

Where she pulls her leg up and ties it like this. Right here. So it's tied right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because this is out of the question.

[Jelly Roll]

The idea of me tying my shoe, like, that's fucking absurd. Buying jeans at the mall. Me and Big Jay Okerson were talking about all the stuff we can do together.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Jelly Roll]

Me and Jay Okerson said we can go buy jeans at the mall together.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's fucking.

[Jelly Roll]

We can ride roller coasters together. Oh, I went to Six Flags last summer. Not Six Flags, Universal Studios.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Jelly Roll]

The first time I ever rode a roller coaster was as a 41 year old adult male.

[Bert Kreischer]

See, that's another fun thing. You know what else you could do now that you couldn't do before? Just get on the floor if you

[Jelly Roll]

feel like we're on top of my wife.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's a good one.

[Jelly Roll]

It is. To not be positionally challenged anymore.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's right.

[Tom Segura]

I joke about it. Watching my wife suck my dick blew my mind.

[Jelly Roll]

Oh, dude, it was a crazy.

[Tom Segura]

My dick go in my wife's. I just was hoping that was what she was doing?

[Jelly Roll]

No, I got a joke that talks about how I didn't see my dick for 30 years.

[Unknown Speaker (possibly a promoter or host)]

Holy.

[Jelly Roll]

So I just met my adult dick.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Wait, I call him Richard.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like a surprise.

[Jelly Roll]

Listen, the hey Macarena was the biggest song on the radio the last time I seen my dick.

[Bert Kreischer]

Holy.

[Jelly Roll]

Do you know how many women my dick disappointed before I knew my dick was disappointing?

[Bert Kreischer]

Did. Did it look the way you remembered it, or were you like, wow, you've. You're different.

[Jelly Roll]

I haven't seen you more than I thought. It looks like a little Boo Boo doll.

[Tom Segura]

I remember jerking off when I lost weight, and I. I was turning myself on because I could see it. Dude. Crazy fat guy move right here.

[Jelly Roll]

Being able to roper.

[Tom Segura]

Pulling a pillow to your stomach to sit on the bed. Oh, yeah.

[Jelly Roll]

Put pillows to cover the stomach.

[Bert Kreischer]

Lots of pillows.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Or you push the fat pad back just to see an extra inch. You're like, that's pretty cool.

[Jelly Roll]

That's in there. Listen, the pouch is gone, but now the skin. Now my dick looks like a pug.

[Tom Segura]

You know what I'm saying?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Jelly Roll]

It's finally got its nose out, but it's just draped on the side.

[Bert Kreischer]

Pugs are so adorable.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I bet everybody would give yours a little nuzzle if they could see it.

[Tom Segura]

Pull it out.

[Bert Kreischer]

Pull it out. That'd be a cool headline.

[Jelly Roll]

I hate y'.

[Tom Segura]

All.

[Jelly Roll]

Whatever favor you need, I got you. I love you, baby.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God.

[Tom Segura]

It's really impressive to see the way you were moving today. Like when we. I really remember on the first 5K, we did crossing the Line with you and Bunny and Leanne. Yes. And the four of us crying and Bunny saying, I think you guys might have just saved his life.

[Jelly Roll]

True story.

[Tom Segura]

And you said that today, you said, you know.

[Jelly Roll]

No, no, what you said was deeper. You said, where do you think you'd be at today if we didn't start this journey or something like that? You're like, what do you think we'd be doing if we wasn't here? And I said, bert, I don't know what you'd be doing, but I don't think I'd be here. The way I was drinking, there was no way a man was drinking a liter of tequila a day and £500, and I was gonna live much longer. I wasn't gonna live here.

[Bert Kreischer]

There's no way for sure.

[Jelly Roll]

I didn't have another 30 months of living like that in me when y' all announced this. It was a godsend, man. And I really as Fucked up as it sounds, I was like, if fuck Kreischer does this, I can do this. Bert Kreischer is like every man. There is nothing actually special about Bert at all. I'm joking.

[Tom Segura]

Listen, I'm as shocked as you are that I did it.

[Jelly Roll]

I'm joking. Bert is the fucking machine. I knew what it really was is that I knew I had friends, and I knew that y' all would create a place that people like myself wouldn't feel judged. Trying to.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Jelly Roll]

And that was what was important. When I seen y' all announce this,

[Tom Segura]

you know, and I thought, I think

[Jelly Roll]

that's what is the coolest thing. I don't know. I watch. I am here because I am a fan of y', all, right? I'm a fan of the podcast I run, and I'll listen to the pod. I think y' all are funny. I think y' all fucking in a world full of just a bunch of shit I don't want to hear about. Y' all are like a breath of fresh air. And I thought this place would be a place that anybody could show up. Anybody could feel welcome. Anybody could run it, they could walk it, they could drink beer, they could smoke joints, they could praise God. Y' all don't really give a fuck about what people do. You're a come one, come all kind of crew. So you actually made a space where guys like talking about me. Dude, I lost 300 pounds. That other man lost 300 pounds. The dude next to us running said he lost 70 pounds. There's a dude back there that lost 120 pounds. That is a thousand pounds. And just us that have been lost. These are the five stories. I know how many people have lost any amount of weight trying to do this. 5K. £70 right there in the front line. It's £50 right there. It feels like a auction now. You should hear it, y'.

[Tom Segura]

All.

[Jelly Roll]

You think they're making offers?

[Bert Kreischer]

You got John bringing me glasses. Okay, guys, these look.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

So racist. This is crazy. You can't feel like you're like, can't

[Tom Segura]

wait to run a train on a

[Bert Kreischer]

checkout of our country. They're taking our jobs. We should paint the ballroom blue. You know what I mean, bro? Yeah. Yeah. January 6th. These are rad.

[Unknown Speaker (possibly a promoter or host)]

All right.

[Tom Segura]

Those are nice.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I believe in our country. All right, so. No, this is wild, man. Also, we should point this. This is what I wanted to tell you. It's about the. Just the progress, too, because the first time, you know, was the first time you Got all emotional last year for people that don't know who went to Tampa. Anyone go to Tampa? Last dude that they get, they made us go up the ramps of the stadium.

[Jelly Roll]

We went through a ship, battleship or something.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then you go down and up these ramps. And I remember we were like, dude, there's no way that you. And you fucking crushed that, too.

[Jelly Roll]

Yes, sir.

[Bert Kreischer]

You just keep getting better and better and better, man.

[Jelly Roll]

I saved almost 14 minutes off this year already, though.

[Ari Shaffir]

Holy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Holy.

[Tom Segura]

That's impressive. You ran at a quick clip. We were doing sub 10 on that back. That back second mile, and I was holding pace with you, and I was like, holy shit. You should have run that first one we did, because we flew through that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

It was a half a mile short of a 5K.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was half a mile short and the sun wasn't out. It was kind of perfect.

[Tom Segura]

I thought. I thought I was like, I am a fucking God. I crossed the finish line. He goes, 22 minutes. And I went, Holy shit. I just ran seven minute miles. God damn, I want to show people my dick. And then Tom goes, hey, did you clock that? And I go, 22 minutes. And he goes, no, the distance. I said, why? He goes, it was only 2.6 miles. I went, fuck, Burt.

[Jelly Roll]

I want to tell you, though, there's nobody left to show your dick to. We have all seen your dick. I have a statue of your dick at my house right now. Did y' all know Burt sent statues of his dick to everybody to celebrate his TV show?

[Tom Segura]

I'll send you one, sir.

[Jelly Roll]

This is a true story.

[Joe Rogan]

Did you get one of those, Tom?

[Bert Kreischer]

Did I get one of those?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

But you didn't open on.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I have the box.

[Jelly Roll]

What do they call a busk?

[Bert Kreischer]

Is it a busk? It's a bust of your dick.

[Tom Segura]

It's a busting dick, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

What?

[Tom Segura]

It's at the house.

[Jelly Roll]

It's right next to our bottle. I don't know why my wife put it there.

[Unknown Speaker (possibly a promoter or host)]

That's awesome.

[Tom Segura]

It's absolutely beautiful.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Did you fluff before?

[Tom Segura]

Yes. How much you got to fluff a lot to get in order to do a cast of it.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You've got to get rock hard and then hope that it maintains some girth. Yeah, it's really difficult.

[Unknown Speaker (brief interjections)]

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With Saily, an ESIM can be installed only once, eliminating the need for users to install new EIMs for each country. You'll have Internet access immediately, making it easy to book an Uber search for maps or messages from your loved ones. Saily significantly reduces and even eliminates roaming fees. With affordable ESIM plans and a growing list of destinations, you don't need to wait in line at the airport to get a local SIM card. What a pain in the ass. And you can also avoid all the scammers selling fake SIM cards outside the train stations and airports. All Saily ESIM plans are compatible for iOS or my dad who has an Android device. Chat Support is available 24. 7. Get a full refund if your device isn't EIM compatible. It's super easy to get and super easy to find. You get it in the App Store, get an exclusive 15% off discount on Saily EIM data plans. Download the Saily app and use code Bears at checkout. Or scan the code on the screen right now and get started today. Today's video is in partnership with Manscape, the men's grooming brand trusted by over 13 million men worldwide. Father's Day is coming up, and again, it's the same problem every year. What do you get your dad that he's actually going to use? Not something that ends up in a drawer if your dad's got a beard. Or do you? The new beard Hedger plus is a solid upgrade without breaking the bank. I've used a lot of trimmers and most of them are kind of clunky. This one is simple. It's got this quick adjust slider so you can move it and you're dialed in. You get 14 different lengths. If you're like me, you can go to a different length setting for the cheeks and Then a different one for the chin covering. Everything from 1 millimeter stubble all the way up to 20 millimeters. So whatever your dad needs. And a clean, a tight, a long, a lumberjack, it's covered. It comes with a 110 millimeter comb plus a 1120 millimeter combination. And it adjusts smooth 1.5 millimeter increments. So no more fumbling with a bunch of different guards. The blade features a 30 millimeter stainless steel square blade with a tight gap, which means more precise and clean trims. And that is this area right here. Sometimes I've always found that these are little long spots. That means this area right here. I found that these are always my long spots. You see me play with these a lot, but you clean it up tight right in there. So nothing to play with. The battery life? Solid up to 60 minutes of runtime. And it charges with a USB C, which is way easier. This is a tri level LED battery indicator, so you always know where your battery level's at. Plus it comes with a travel lock feature, so you just press hold it for three seconds to turn it off to travel lock and you can do the same thing to turn it on. That means it doesn't turn on in your bag and it doesn't come up dead when you show up where you land. And by the way, also, it's waterproof too, so you can trim in the sink or in the shower. You want to trim in the shower, don't trim in the sink. Trust me, I've learned that the hard way. This Father's Day, Skip the boring gifts and get something he'll actually use and love. Head to manscape.com and use code bears to get 15% off plus free shipping. That's 15% off your entire order plus free shipping with code bears manscape.com or if you need it today, you can also find manscaped at a store near you. It comes with a 1 to 10 millimeter comb plus an 11 to 20 millimeter comb and adjusts in a smooth 1.5 millimeter increments. So no more fumbling with a bunch of different guards. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. May is mental Health Awareness Month. And here is a reminder that whatever you're going through, you don't have to go through it alone. Life is a journey. Some of us are lost in the woods right now. Some of us feel good. Some of us feel overwhelmed. But whatever you're going through at night, whatever's keeping you up at night, waking you up in the morning, it's easy to feel like you're going through it all by yourself and you have to figure it out all on your own. But the truth is no one has all the answers. No journey should be alone. Having someone with you to listen, understand and support you can make all the difference. I woke up this morning with a little bit of depression and I said to Leanne, hey, can we schedule an appointment with our therapist? Our therapy, couples therapy lately has been a lot of me talking and Leanne saying, that's the truth. I'm going through it with three people.

[Tom Segura]

Listen.

[Unknown Speaker (brief interjections)]

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[Jelly Roll]

If it was rock hard, why is it still sitting on your box?

[Tom Segura]

It gets limp. It goes in and starts getting limp and all the gel starts going around it.

[Bert Kreischer]

So wait, at what percentage did you have to shave?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, you got to shave everything, go clean.

[Bert Kreischer]

What percentage of all of you is the bust?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, I would actually. Pretty good. I would say that is a solid 70%.

[Unknown Speaker (possibly a promoter or host)]

Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, I'm gonna.

[Tom Segura]

It gets just a little bit harder.

[Jelly Roll]

Never opened it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I haven't opened the box.

[Jelly Roll]

It's literally on my mantle.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Jelly Roll]

I have birch pecker on my mantle. It's insane.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's insane.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Guys, check out Free Bird streaming right

[Jelly Roll]

now on Free Bird on Netflix.

[Tom Segura]

Hey, season two of Very Bad Ideas comes out.

[Jelly Roll]

Let's go.

[Bert Kreischer]

Let's go. Bad thoughts.

[Kevin Ryan]

Thank you.

[Tom Segura]

Bad thoughts. May 25, Tom's series, very Bad Ideas. If you ever. You know, it's so funny. Tom, when you came up with Very Bad Thoughts, what was the thought process? Let me see. How many sex scenes I can cram into a sketch show.

[Bert Kreischer]

There's a couple. There's a couple. Yeah. There's also diarrhea, a big cock, a huge. Yeah, there's a bunch. But this season's totally different. It's more racist.

[Tom Segura]

No, I heard, I heard, I heard, I heard someone who was like, I got pages and I had to turn down the project.

[Bert Kreischer]

We got a few people that said that we shouldn't make this show. And they called the agency and the network and they were like, this should not. You shouldn't make. This is going to hurt people. It's going to hurt people.

[Tom Segura]

He sent me an offer. He said, hey, are you free on this day? I said, I think I am. And he goes, great, I got a part for you. It's called a human piece of shit. You'll be in hair and makeup for about five hours. I go, wait, I'm going to actually be a human piece of shit? And he goes, do you have a problem with that? I said, no. I go, what are my lines? He goes, no lines. Just a human piece of shit.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was. No, it wasn't a human piece of shit. It was a hog tit shit beast.

[Tom Segura]

A hog tit shit piece. So check out Very Bad Thoughts streaming on Netflix May 25th.

[Bert Kreischer]

You would have been perfect.

[Tom Segura]

Thank you, Tom. Should we bring another comedian up? Let's do it. Share our experience.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes. You know who's here?

[Tom Segura]

Who's here?

[Bert Kreischer]

The. Are you garbage guys. Let's get them here. H. Foley. Kevin Ryan.

[Jelly Roll]

I love y'.

[Unknown Speaker (possibly a promoter or host)]

All.

[Jelly Roll]

Thank y' all so much for having me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Baby give Jelly Roll a huge hand. We could not do this without him. All right,

[Tom Segura]

guys, it's gonna take Foley a second. He just ran his first 5k, so he's on his way.

[Bert Kreischer]

There he is. I see him.

[Tom Segura]

There he is. You know the.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you garbage guys? Give it up. Where's Kevin? Here's H. Foley. Hell yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Where's Kevin? Kevin's not here.

[Joe Rogan]

In three seconds, I'm gonna start freaking out.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, he's coming. He's coming.

[Tom Segura]

Is that Mike?

[Bert Kreischer]

He's coming.

[Joe Rogan]

This mic is hot, baby. Thanks for having us, fellas.

[Bert Kreischer]

Thank you for coming.

[Joe Rogan]

If Kevin Ryan was here, he would say the same thing.

[Tom Segura]

Hey, ladies and gentlemen, Kevin Ryan.

[Joe Rogan]

And it didn't take me a long time to get up here. I was out there with the fans, walking around with the real people out there.

[Kevin Ryan]

What a pandering motherfucker.

[Joe Rogan]

Not these Hollywood fat cats over here. Am I right, guys?

[Tom Segura]

Not these. Not these Epstein. Pilot loving motherfuckers.

[Joe Rogan]

Not these in here. Am I right?

[Kevin Ryan]

This is going out too much. This is why.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is this your first one?

[Joe Rogan]

No, I did it two years ago.

[Bert Kreischer]

You did?

[Joe Rogan]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

You do you remember the helicopter?

[Joe Rogan]

No, I did it last year.

[Bert Kreischer]

Two years, Tampa.

[Joe Rogan]

And it was.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, here. We did it here.

[Joe Rogan]

I didn't know. You didn't die in Tampa. You don't say none. You got me out here in la. Jesus Christ.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tampa? You're more of a Tampa guy.

[Joe Rogan]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, dude.

[Joe Rogan]

Yeah. We did a. We just did side splitters. What, like a month and a half

[Tom Segura]

ago and we stopped bragging.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, I'm sorry, the side splits.

[Joe Rogan]

Am I right, gang?

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, my God, dudes. What the fuck happened to you?

[Joe Rogan]

But we walked by this hotel on the water.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Joe Rogan]

I told you this the other day. There was a dude out there playing, playing Steely Dan. We almost walked in and never came out. It was like that dream sequence in Sopranos when he almost walks into the house.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's how that's this comes from. Is that. Yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, I am 100% a Florida man.

[Joe Rogan]

We know.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's my town.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I can't wait to go back. Second wife, open up a gym slash beach bar.

[Joe Rogan]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

If you're from Florida, are you just inherently garbage?

[Joe Rogan]

I think if you're up in like the panhandle up by Jacksonville.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Joe Rogan]

You got fireworks in the. In the bedroom.

[Tom Segura]

Panama. If you're west of. West of Orlando, north of Tampa. Yeah, that's all garbage all the way up to Destin.

[Bert Kreischer]

I agree.

[Tom Segura]

Pensacola. Yeah.

[Joe Rogan]

We did the. We did the one you did a couple years ago when Jelly Roll did it.

[Kevin Ryan]

We did the first one.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, the very first one.

[Joe Rogan]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

Now you guys are both looking good. How much are you down?

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm down like £50.

[Tom Segura]

Nice.

[Bert Kreischer]

50.

[Joe Rogan]

Way to go.

[Bert Kreischer]

Congrats.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, everybody says that.

[Joe Rogan]

I mean, I'm happy to say I am down four pounds.

[Tom Segura]

Nice.

[Joe Rogan]

Like 75 pounds.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm down 75.

[Joe Rogan]

75.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's incredible.

[Joe Rogan]

That's Z bound. It's all organ tissue and. Okay, that stuff's bad news, kids.

[Kevin Ryan]

I did get a bone density scan. It was bad.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, how bad?

[Kevin Ryan]

Like pre osteoporosis? Yeah, so don't bump into me on the way out of here.

[Joe Rogan]

I need a glass of milk, stat.

[Bert Kreischer]

Have you done the DEXA scan?

[Joe Rogan]

What's a DEXA scan?

[Kevin Ryan]

That's the thing I just got.

[Joe Rogan]

Yo, you got the money? I'll get it for you. Guy out here in la, did you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Did you. You've I've done it. I've done it. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, you do it, and it shows you your bones. And then it's like the meanest man drew, like, a cartoon character of your fat and your tiny little balls.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, dude, it's so bad.

[Bert Kreischer]

And he tells you. He's like, you're gross.

[Kevin Ryan]

He, like, tells you the girl did it in the lobby and held it up in front of all these hot chicks. And she's like, yeah, you can see him like, put that shit down, lady.

[Joe Rogan]

No, I did that shit in high school.

[Jelly Roll]

This guy is crazy.

[Joe Rogan]

I already went through the presidential fitness test. I'm not doing that shit again. No, but you guys are at the point now where, of course, you both should be doing that. There's no reason for the two of you to ever die. You're aware of that. You guys have. You should be getting those full body scans every three days.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, no shit, right? Therapy, fucking injections, everything.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I got my DEXA scan, and they said I was 40% fat. Which, out of 100%, doesn't sound that bad.

[Kevin Ryan]

I was like, yeah, congratulations to Burt, dude.

[Tom Segura]

I was like, nice. And he goes, your wife's 22%. I go, that sounds fat.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't think.

[Bert Kreischer]

Gross.

[Tom Segura]

We should lower that one. Right?

[Kevin Ryan]

That's good. I'm trying to get healthy, though.

[Tom Segura]

We're trying.

[Kevin Ryan]

We're trying to take after you get healthy. You guys got healthy.

[Tom Segura]

Listen, I'm going to say this out loud right now, and I know this. You're not supposed to say this in Hollywood. I am on Manjaro. I am doing the Terazeptide shot. It works. I'm down £50. No, but no one talks about it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Everybody.

[Tom Segura]

And listen, if you're struggling with weight, it is a great. It's like taking Zoloft for fat people.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, that's the thing about Bert. Like, he's open. He's a Holocaust denier, but he's open about his.

[Tom Segura]

Not a denier. I just didn't know Israel wasn't a thing before World War II. I thought they sent Jews down there to, like, save seats by the pool.

[Joe Rogan]

Yeah, these are taken.

[Tom Segura]

Bunch of Palestinians going, my towel was on that chair.

[Joe Rogan]

Now you move. Sorry. Taken.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's perfect casting for you. You have to do it, you broad.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm in.

[Joe Rogan]

Yeah, let's do Sarando Sad. What the hell's going on?

[Bert Kreischer]

He's around here. That's a good pitch.

[Joe Rogan]

Hey, thanks for inviting us to the brunch, by the way. Getting fucking iced off.

[Tom Segura]

Of that.

[Kevin Ryan]

All right, well, we're not going to go next year.

[Tom Segura]

Did you guys go to the brunch?

[Kevin Ryan]

No. I didn't even know.

[Tom Segura]

You didn't miss anything.

[Kevin Ryan]

We're so. We're so out of, like, a couple of dickheads. We're so out of touch. We didn't. People are like, you get invited to the brunch? I'm like, where norms. I didn't know what was happening.

[Tom Segura]

So for those of you who don't know, Ted Sarandos, who owns Netflix or runs Netflix, he has a brunch where just a couple comedians show up, like Eddie Murphy, Jerry Seinfeld, Chris Rock.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's crazy.

[Tom Segura]

It was Kevin Hart. It was the craziest thing. And Kevin and Foley are working on an invite for next year.

[Joe Rogan]

No, but that's a nice way of saying we weren't invited this year. Yeah, throw us under the bus.

[Tom Segura]

Don't worry, you didn't miss anything. Tom bombed in front of Eddie Murphy.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

What happened?

[Joe Rogan]

Oh, you talking about you buy and sell that guy?

[Bert Kreischer]

You kidding me?

[Tom Segura]

First of all, he did a black guy voice to him.

[Jelly Roll]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

He was like.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was like. I was like, what's up, my brother? And he was like, hey, man. And then we had a little chat. No. I told him a story.

[Joe Rogan]

You believe all these crackers around his house?

[Bert Kreischer]

I was like, man, he's crackhead. I was like, I want some ice cream. He's like, that's my bit. And I was like, oh, no.

[Unknown Speaker (possibly a promoter or host)]

Shit.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I. I was telling him a story about his brother. I had dinner with his brother and I told him the story.

[Joe Rogan]

Right?

[Bert Kreischer]

And at the end, this is for look at me. He looks at me and he goes, is that the end of the story?

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, my God.

[Tom Segura]

And by the way, I would have

[Joe Rogan]

kept going, no, no.

[Bert Kreischer]

Guess what? Guess what?

[Kevin Ryan]

I said.

[Tom Segura]

He kept going.

[Bert Kreischer]

I did.

[Joe Rogan]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

When he says at the end of the story, I was like, oh, my God. And then I go, no. Because I told him we were at dinner. I go, no, it's not the end. He goes, he looked at me. I go, we kept having dinner.

[Kevin Ryan]

Tom Psycho came out, then the check came, and we paid the bill.

[Joe Rogan]

We split it two ways.

[Tom Segura]

The best is if he ever meets Eddie Murphy, he's going to tell him the same story again.

[Kevin Ryan]

Double down.

[Tom Segura]

Hey, did I tell you about this time I had dinner with your. Oh, yeah. Well, I just want to remind you,

[Bert Kreischer]

that would definitely scare him. By the way.

[Kevin Ryan]

Is that the first time you met him?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I'd never met him before, did you

[Kevin Ryan]

have a story queued? Did you like, because, yeah, like when we first. You guys were like super famous when we met you. So we're like, what do we talk to Tom about? What do we talk to Bird about? Did you have that when you saw him? And you're like, I'm gonna hit him with his brother story?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes, 100%. I also imagined it going so much better. Yeah.

[Joe Rogan]

I was blocking Kevin Hart from getting into the store the other night by accident. I Dr. Drop my wristband, like in the little alleyway when they come in, in the back.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's.

[Joe Rogan]

And it was like an ice cube. I couldn't pick it up. It was like flat on the ground. And I kept trying to pinch it, grab it, and I couldn't get it. And him and his security guard were

[Tom Segura]

trying to come through.

[Kevin Ryan]

The cops were like, what's going on? And I look down and I see Foley reaching on the ground. I'm like, we're jammed the fuck up over here.

[Joe Rogan]

I dropped a bag. Hang on.

[Unknown Speaker (possibly a promoter or host)]

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[Tom Segura]

Are you guys going to the roast?

[Joe Rogan]

We didn't invite you that either.

[Kevin Ryan]

Don't get invited to anything.

[Joe Rogan]

You want me to pull down my pants? You can make fun of my penis too. Kreisler, huh?

[Kevin Ryan]

We didn't even get invited to this. We had to register online. Like no, I paid 28.99.

[Joe Rogan]

I'm getting shaken down when I come in. There's no golf cart, nothing like that.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're right dude, we could not get in. She's like, you're not allowed in.

[Joe Rogan]

I go, I'm a trial to come get us.

[Bert Kreischer]

I swear to God, I'm so sorry.

[Joe Rogan]

Whatever.

[Kevin Ryan]

People are like, yo, what's up. Kippy and the guys, like, got me pushed up against the fence. I'm like, all right.

[Joe Rogan]

Not to mention, you show up to the Airbnb when we did the podcast a month ago.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Joe Rogan]

No fucking croissants.

[Bert Kreischer]

Fuck, you're right.

[Joe Rogan]

We're in Austin.

[Kevin Ryan]

What kind of guest are you?

[Joe Rogan]

We should have been a fucking helicopter in. No pastry.

[Tom Segura]

Should have no pastries.

[Bert Kreischer]

I should have ye.

[Tom Segura]

Check out Chicho Bomba.

[Bert Kreischer]

Please go to Chicho Bomba in Austin. We have three locations. Please come out and see us.

[Tom Segura]

Home run.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's delicious, man. It's. You'll get so fat. It's so good.

[Joe Rogan]

I can't wait.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

Here.

[Bert Kreischer]

Now you're ready.

[Joe Rogan]

Ready to go. So lay off the zeppelin for a week before I go down there.

[Tom Segura]

What's in. What's like. So this is where two bears are. We have our 5K. What's the big get for? Are you Garbage? What would be your biggest tent pole? Get the fans out and participate.

[Joe Rogan]

Are you garbage? Two gram K next year, Tampa, Florida.

[Tom Segura]

Two grams.

[Joe Rogan]

Everybody gets two grams. Two free ones.

[Tom Segura]

Two gram K rest.

[Joe Rogan]

You got to pay for none of this running bullshit. We'll do some beers, have some hot dogs, some tomato pie from Philly. We'll get some water, ice, couple escorts.

[Tom Segura]

Couple escorts.

[Kevin Ryan]

Things are going great over here. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hell, yeah, dude. Garbage.

[Joe Rogan]

This is fucking amazing, man. This is awesome.

[Unknown Speaker (brief interjections)]

It really is impressive.

[Joe Rogan]

We went a different way this year, didn't we? We didn't.

[Tom Segura]

The route was different.

[Joe Rogan]

We walked around the golf course, which was nice.

[Unknown Speaker (possibly a promoter or host)]

Beautiful.

[Tom Segura]

It was so much better.

[Bert Kreischer]

And also the shortcut was so much better.

[Joe Rogan]

I didn't do that little thing you

[Kevin Ryan]

just told me you did. I was like, you took the shortcut at the end. He goes, now I finished the whole thing.

[Joe Rogan]

I said I was being fully honest.

[Tom Segura]

Is that what you call it?

[Joe Rogan]

No.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. We coined it this week. He. He's not lying, but he's never told the truth. Hey, done.

[Tom Segura]

Hold on.

[Kevin Ryan]

I think I know.

[Tom Segura]

I understand exactly what's going on.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

He's.

[Joe Rogan]

You and you. Where did we.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You're telling it the story. It's like, yeah, I didn't really drink last night, but I had a couple drinks.

[Joe Rogan]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

But I didn't drink.

[Joe Rogan]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right? Yeah.

[Joe Rogan]

I always say.

[Kevin Ryan]

I mean, dude, the other day, Burke goes, you know, so it's you two. And then me and Tom, like, who's who? Out of the. Me and Tom. And I'm like, are you kidding me, dude?

[Joe Rogan]

I had chopstick in my nose at the time. This was awesome.

[Bert Kreischer]

This was great.

[Joe Rogan]

Yeah. This is amazing.

[Unknown Speaker (possibly a promoter or host)]

You should do more.

[Joe Rogan]

The turkey vultures that were following me around the course was real fun, too.

[Kevin Ryan]

You really dress for the occasion, too.

[Joe Rogan]

I was trying to wear something slimming.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're just like a mobster. And the witness reprotected them.

[Joe Rogan]

I can't. I can't show my. I got varicose veins. I can't show my legs.

[Bert Kreischer]

People love that shit.

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Joe Rogan]

They'll pay for onlyfans for that kind of stuff.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Joe Rogan]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Joe Rogan]

I should start showing my butthole on only fans. No face, little dick, big butt.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is the hole big?

[Joe Rogan]

The holes bad.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Joe Rogan]

If you stare at my asshole long enough, you'll see how you're going to die.

[Kevin Ryan]

And hey, spoiler, it's by his asshole.

[Bert Kreischer]

Would you take a massive shit after this?

[Joe Rogan]

No. No. You said. You said you wouldn't let me poop in your upstairs bathroom.

[Bert Kreischer]

You can definitely poop there.

[Joe Rogan]

Would you let me poop in your master bathroom?

[Bert Kreischer]

100?

[Joe Rogan]

Yeah. Thank you.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And we got the spray thing, the anal spray. Oh, you.

[Joe Rogan]

That you put.

[Tom Segura]

No, you put in the sucking thing, the Asian thing.

[Joe Rogan]

You put it in the toilet.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, we put it in the toilet so it sticks its little head out and then sprays your asshole.

[Joe Rogan]

You say anal spray to me.

[Tom Segura]

That go.

[Joe Rogan]

And that's going in the asshole.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Oh. Sometimes I let it break the O ring and go into me to loosen shit up. And then I shit that out.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Sometimes you get a surprise second shit

[Unknown Speaker (possibly a promoter or host)]

when you use that.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's pretty exciting.

[Tom Segura]

If you can just suck in.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

When the water hits your asshole. Yeah. You get a little bit of a flush.

[Joe Rogan]

You get a bonus potpourri enemas.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah.

[Joe Rogan]

Might want to consult a physician before doing that. Oh, it can't be good for you.

[Unknown Speaker (brief interjections)]

No.

[Tom Segura]

The first time I ever had one of those, I was in Asia. I was in Japan, and it turned me on so much, I jerked off.

[Joe Rogan]

Oh, what, a colonic?

[Tom Segura]

No, no, no. The bidet.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh.

[Tom Segura]

I was like, all right, I gotta try jerking off.

[Bert Kreischer]

They're the greatest.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Joe Rogan]

Whenever I do a colonic, I always get hard.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you really?

[Joe Rogan]

Yeah. Is that weird? Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Joe Rogan]

Thought we were in la.

[Bert Kreischer]

How much did you love the way you feel after a colonic?

[Joe Rogan]

Oh, man, it's the best. That's the one thing I like with the zepbound is I overeat. I get real sick. I get massive diarrhea and throw up and I feel fantastic.

[Tom Segura]

Me, too.

[Joe Rogan]

It's the best.

[Unknown Speaker (possibly a promoter or host)]

That's wildest.

[Joe Rogan]

I'm ready for the weekend.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

A little pasta right before bed, and all of a sudden, you're up, throwing up in the middle of the night. And you're not drunk and you're not sick, you're just throwing up.

[Joe Rogan]

Just healthy.

[Tom Segura]

Just healthy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Healthy, Healthy. Throwing up.

[Joe Rogan]

I hear a storm in my stomach.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Joe Rogan]

Like, it sounds like, you know, like,

[Bert Kreischer]

thunder coming off and it comes out of both ends.

[Joe Rogan]

Oh, it's great.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow.

[Joe Rogan]

And sometimes, if we have something the next day, like, if we have a big guest coming in and I. And it happens, I'll make myself throw up in the morning so I don't have Ozempic burps while we're doing the podcast.

[Unknown Speaker (possibly a promoter or host)]

That's thoughtful.

[Kevin Ryan]

He's a good team player.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's a real thoughtful thing to do. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

And he'll throw it in our face afterwards. I fucking puked this morning for this.

[Tom Segura]

Is that Jelly's phone or your phone? That's Jelly's.

[Joe Rogan]

That's mine.

[Tom Segura]

Is Jelly's over there?

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay.

[Unknown Speaker (brief interjections)]

All right.

[Joe Rogan]

You got it.

[Bert Kreischer]

No good? No.

[Tom Segura]

If Jelly gets another phone, I'm gonna die.

[Joe Rogan]

If we find him.

[Tom Segura]

This is, like, the 10th phone number he's had.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's always fun, though, when you pick who you're gonna give the new number to. That's a fun.

[Kevin Ryan]

I was shocked. I made. I made your cut.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, of course. What are you talking about?

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't know.

[Joe Rogan]

You got a new number.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're scary sometimes.

[Joe Rogan]

What? Your new number.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, like when I got. Say, anytime you get a new number, you get to go through your phone book and decide who in your phone book gets the new number.

[Tom Segura]

Huh.

[Bert Kreischer]

You've never done this.

[Joe Rogan]

It's funny you mentioned that. I'm in a weird spot right now. My old phone got wet, like, four days ago.

[Bert Kreischer]

This feels like fully honest. From the jump.

[Joe Rogan]

No, this. 100%.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Joe Rogan]

This is full. This is fully honest. This is fully honest.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Joe Rogan]

I'll tell you fully honest in a second. But my phone got wet. I don't know. My Apple id. I had to get a new phone because I couldn't talk to anybody. I don't have any Uber or anything like that. No Venmo, no Seamless, nothing like that. Fucking Apple shut my whole infrastructure down. It was like a fucking Iranian radar system, just gone.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay?

[Joe Rogan]

So I had to get this. And I don't know anybody's number now. So I'm like, who's this? Who's this?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, you don't have Any of it in?

[Joe Rogan]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah.

[Joe Rogan]

I got to get my Venmo back up because I owe some people money.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, shit.

[Joe Rogan]

It ain't the Boy Scouts. So he loses.

[Kevin Ryan]

His phone's off, so now he's got to operate. You're operating off a laptop?

[Joe Rogan]

I believe I got a laptop. I just got a laptop.

[Bert Kreischer]

This feels like an episode of the show. This is like some real garbage shit.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's insane. He just. Dude, we're in midtown. He's like. He leaves without a phone. He goes, I'm going to. We make him an appointment at the Apple Store because he doesn't have any Internet connection. And then he just walks in. The man, he just leaves the studio. I go, we might never see him again.

[Joe Rogan]

It was me in the city. I felt like Midnight Cowboy walking around.

[Kevin Ryan]

Fourteen hours later, we get an email. Me and our producer. Dear dudes, I got a new phone, but I didn't remember my Apple id. I'm in the process of getting it so I can restore all my old apps and stuff like that, but. Right. This is all one sentence. But right now I'm flying blind, so I can't take calls and texts and I don't know anybody's number and I don't have access to any of my apps. I had to take a cab to get back to the apartment. This has been the worst night of my life, bro. If you need me, I'll call. You'll need to call or text me if you're both. I hope you're both doing well and I love you both. Hopefully to talk to you soon. And this is all behind us. Henry, this is a sentence. There's no punctuation.

[Joe Rogan]

Apartment is a studio in Hell's Kitchen on 49th at night.

[Unknown Speaker (possibly a promoter or host)]

9th.

[Kevin Ryan]

Why are you giving the address?

[Tom Segura]

I like that.

[Joe Rogan]

So the broads know to come by. Walked out on me. Penthouse apartment Historia Queens. I'm living in a one bedroom cold flat in 49th street and I was kitchen.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is unbelievable.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, not all this is public. You're really choosing a place.

[Tom Segura]

This is a reality show.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is insane.

[Tom Segura]

I would. I don't know how Netflix doesn't follow this.

[Kevin Ryan]

We're to be guys anyway.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, you're to be guys.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Joe Rogan]

I tell you what. You know, the world's coming to an end when we. When. When they up to fully.

[Ari Shaffir]

Are you close?

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you to figuring out your Apple id?

[Joe Rogan]

I just. I just got it figured out.

[Bert Kreischer]

You did?

[Joe Rogan]

Yeah, I got it this morning. It's a new. It's a new.

[Kevin Ryan]

New.

[Joe Rogan]

New code I can't give it out now.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, personally, but something that you remembered when you saw it?

[Joe Rogan]

No, no, I change it all the time because I'll download some shady app that requires to log in, and then I'll forget what it is, you know?

[Tom Segura]

No, I go. So I started with a good password, and now I've gotten so aggressive so that I won't forget it.

[Kevin Ryan]

What is it?

[Tom Segura]

The best one. I gave Isla my Apple watch, and the password was cunt.cunt323. And so the teacher takes the Apple watch from her, and the alarm starts going off and says to Ila, what's the password? Nada. Goes, I can't tell you, but I can put it in. She goes, tell me the password. And I goes, rather not. She's in grade school at the time. And the teacher goes, just tell me the password. And it goes, capital C, lowercase C, three, two, three. And the lady was like, just type it in.

[Joe Rogan]

That's awesome.

[Kevin Ryan]

I had a woman I worked with, I needed her email. I needed her password for, like, this. My last day job was for, like, a soft was software. And I'm like, hey, just give me your login. I need to log in. She's like, I don't want to do it. Same thing. I'm like, just give it to nice buttoned up lady. I'm like, what is it? Just give it to me. And she's like, she wrote it down and slid it on a piece of paper to me, and it was slut 69. And the S was a dollar sign because you had to have a thing.

[Joe Rogan]

Wow.

[Kevin Ryan]

And I was like, all right. It's between me and you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I had an email address. I still have it. You can hit me up if you want. And Leanne. I was on Leanne's computer, and I was on my Gmail, and she sent a Gmail accidentally from my account to the girl Scouts. To the head of the girl Scouts. And the lady replied, I think you sent this from the wrong email account. My email account was romeohorsecockmail.com Leanne was like, the fuck would you have that up for? I was like, I was checking my Gmail, bro.

[Bert Kreischer]

You realize that story is true and so is that you are in the Epstein files. Isn't that crazy?

[Tom Segura]

You are. Yeah.

[Joe Rogan]

My man. Up top.

[Tom Segura]

I know.

[Joe Rogan]

That's Hollywood right there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

They were like. They were like, friends. They were friends.

[Joe Rogan]

Is that true?

[Bert Kreischer]

Florida. You know, it was like a Florida thing. Golf. And his buddies, like, they were just. They would, like, hang out he actually was friends with him, but he said, you know, he's like. He said that Jeff, J, J, E, whatever he calls him, he's like. He is kind of a dick. So he did say that he's not cool, but he was friends.

[Tom Segura]

He was weird.

[Joe Rogan]

An egg shaped dick, from what I've heard.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He got. He got handsy, whatever. Really jeppy. Yeah. Do you see his suicide note? Did you see a suicide note? They just released it.

[Bert Kreischer]

What's it say?

[Kevin Ryan]

I killed myself. I swear.

[Tom Segura]

Did anyone see a suicide note? Hillary did not do this. Bill was not on that plane. Shout out. Check out Free Bert streaming right now. And that's it.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's in a suicide note.

[Joe Rogan]

That's pretty good. Because it was so.

[Tom Segura]

So it was just an idea at the time that I bounced off him on a plane. I was like, man, if we ever go to jail, Free Jeff, Free Burt. And he goes, that's a good name. I was like, yeah, dude. Yeah, Jeff. Jeff was weird, but Jeff loved food, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

He was a big foodie.

[Tom Segura]

He was a big foodie.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

That's cool. Yeah.

[Unknown Speaker (possibly a promoter or host)]

What did he.

[Bert Kreischer]

What's like his favorite thing?

[Kevin Ryan]

Baby carrots.

[Tom Segura]

He liked veal. Veal. Baby carrots.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's cool.

[Tom Segura]

The baby carrots is better.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's awesome, man.

[Tom Segura]

I'm not in the Epstein files, everybody.

[Kevin Ryan]

Did you go to the funeral?

[Tom Segura]

No, I was in his email because he was a big fan of comedy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, that sounds.

[Unknown Speaker (possibly a promoter or host)]

That's a birdism.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm not in the files, but, you know.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, that's the bird truth.

[Joe Rogan]

That's fully honest.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's fully honest. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Joe Rogan]

That's cool.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

What did he say about you? Why were you in there?

[Jelly Roll]

Stop.

[Kevin Ryan]

You brought it up, dude.

[Tom Segura]

This is what.

[Joe Rogan]

Good job, good guy.

[Tom Segura]

Blowjob Tom deflects his own drama. No, Me and Garth Brooks, when I meet him, I'm just gonna give him a hug and go. I know.

[Kevin Ryan]

And slide.

[Joe Rogan]

By the way, it wouldn't be him in the files. It would be you.

[Tom Segura]

You.

[Joe Rogan]

You're the quiet one, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, you're the creep. But he is in it. In his defense, it's 30 pages. It's not like a lot of stuff. And is. There's photos of them at the beach and just throwing the ball. They're not doing something weird, just so you know.

[Joe Rogan]

See, I could see you and Stephen Hawking jerking off on a cookie together or something weird like that.

[Tom Segura]

Hey, Lorna Dune.

[Joe Rogan]

Fuck Lorna Dunes.

[Tom Segura]

Who wants to play sloppy biscuits? Steven, Isn't that crazy?

[Bert Kreischer]

That. That's where he went.

[Joe Rogan]

Hawkins.

[Kevin Ryan]

What are you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, you realize that he was just sick of the life yet. And then he was like, all right, if there's a creep island, who cares?

[Kevin Ryan]

It's like I gotta do cruise around the mall. Like, what the.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's where you go.

[Tom Segura]

Wait, Stephen Hawkins was it went to Epstein's Island?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

They had ramps. Yes, yes.

[Joe Rogan]

He was super dental office.

[Tom Segura]

Jesus.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm so glad you brought that up. So many people talk about Epstein that way and nobody talks about how thoughtful it was to have rain.

[Joe Rogan]

How accessible. Yeah, accessible.

[Bert Kreischer]

He was like, thinking about the less fortunate.

[Joe Rogan]

I heard OSHA went in there and was like, pretty good.

[Bert Kreischer]

Pretty good.

[Ari Shaffir]

Pretty good.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Joe Rogan]

Guys don't know osha. Check it out.

[Tom Segura]

Should we bring Ari up?

[Ari Shaffir]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

You guys want to stick around for Ari?

[Joe Rogan]

Not really.

[Kevin Ryan]

Not really. Not a fan of that guy.

[Unknown Speaker (possibly a promoter or host)]

Where is Ari?

[Kevin Ryan]

Ari Shaffer? Right here.

[Bert Kreischer]

Arie Schaefers.

[Joe Rogan]

Hey, there he is. Boys, we love you so much.

[Kevin Ryan]

We love you guys.

[Joe Rogan]

Thank you, guys.

[Tom Segura]

We love you.

[Joe Rogan]

Great job today.

[Bert Kreischer]

Everybody take a seat. See you, brother.

[Unknown Speaker (possibly a promoter or host)]

Hey, I love you, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. You want the right, let him hear it.

[Joe Rogan]

You want this one?

[Ari Shaffir]

Why is that one better?

[Joe Rogan]

I got it all nice and herped up for you.

[Bert Kreischer]

There you go. The yoga man is here.

[Tom Segura]

Doing yoga at the Two Bears. 5K for us at 9 o' clock this morning, back from his world tour where he did not do stand up, just saw the world. Ari Shaffir.

[Ari Shaffir]

Thank you. What do you think about that? Bert taking time off?

[Unknown Speaker (brief interjections)]

Nope. Nope.

[Ari Shaffir]

All right.

[Tom Segura]

We're going to be dead one day.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah. I can fill up a minor league high school waiting room. And Bert worked hard and look what he's done.

[Unknown Speaker (brief interjections)]

Yep.

[Tom Segura]

What?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, nothing.

[Tom Segura]

I don't think they recognize you with the beard.

[Ari Shaffir]

Oh, maybe not.

[Tom Segura]

How long is this beard gonna last?

[Ari Shaffir]

I think I try to take it to a year.

[Tom Segura]

Are you serious?

[Ari Shaffir]

Is July full shave in July and then I don't know.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, did you run today?

[Ari Shaffir]

What?

[Bert Kreischer]

Did you run?

[Ari Shaffir]

I'm sorry, the mic's off. What'd you say? No, I taught a yoga class and then I don't know. And then I was already heat stroked. Yeah, I went out there and I'm like, it's brutal.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, you ran last time.

[Ari Shaffir]

I did. No, I walked last time. I was going to run with Brian Simpson and he said, hold on, my shin hurts. Can we walk for five minutes? I was like, yeah, sure. And he goes, I mean, you can go ahead. I'm like, no, it Was a five minute break. I'll do it with you. And then we ran for another 30 seconds, and then he goes, I gotta take another break. You can go ahead. And I was like, fuck it, Fat Brian. I was like, dude, I'll just walk with you. And he was like, okay. It was a lovely stroll.

[Bert Kreischer]

Nice stroll with Brian, who walked the 5K.

[Ari Shaffir]

You're the real winners. You're the real winners.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. You are the real winners. Was. So how much money did you make on this is the end?

[Ari Shaffir]

I'll tell you. My fucking money.

[Joe DeRosa]

A lot.

[Ari Shaffir]

Thank you for supporting it. Who bought it so far? Hell yeah. You're all heroes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Thank you guys for doing that.

[Ari Shaffir]

More than those cowards went to Vietnam. You're the real heroes.

[Tom Segura]

I have one group of Vietnamese people here.

[Ari Shaffir]

Well, they were on the wrong side,

[Tom Segura]

so it did well. Congratulations.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, thanks.

[Tom Segura]

And you can get it at ymh.com ymhstudios.com Very bad things coming out soon. This is the end with Ari shafir. All on ymh.com.

[Bert Kreischer]

thank you, Bert, for that plug.

[Ari Shaffir]

Dude, I saw you with Shaq last night. You've never looked thinner than that in your life.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Or wider.

[Ari Shaffir]

He. Tiny.

[Tom Segura]

Shaq is such a massive dude. Dude. Shaq's life is. He is so patient with everyone.

[Ari Shaffir]

Can I tell you a story? I'll wait till you're done.

[Tom Segura]

Kobe.

[Ari Shaffir]

I'll wait to. Yeah, Kobe. Ran him out.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, go ahead.

[Ari Shaffir]

Brett Ernst told me this. He was at a restaurant, and there was a child's party in the side room, and they saw Shaq there at the bar eating. And he goes, hey, Shaq, can you come say hi to the kids? It would make their day. And he goes, man, I'm eating right now. Give me a minute. I'll come over afterwards. And the guy's like, we really would make their day. He goes, yeah, all right. Give me a minute. Finished, then went over with those kids, picked them all up, started playing with them for an hour and a half, fucked around with those kids, played the entire tab and got out.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Damn.

[Ari Shaffir]

I would never have done that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Never.

[Tom Segura]

They would have left and gone. Ari said, you're gonna pick up his tab.

[Ari Shaffir]

I would pick off their leftovers. I'm like, these kids don't eat enough.

[Tom Segura]

It was crazy. The amount of people that walked into the green room to me, oh, I got to fucking tell you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Oh, okay.

[Tom Segura]

About how many people showed up just to come in to meet Shaq and get a picture with Shaq and And Shaq was so patient. All he really. You know, like, his only thing he wanted on his rider was lotion for his hands. The easiest. And by the way, flew in private to do the show. Flew out private, like, just the most.

[Ari Shaffir]

So this guy can fly private, but he can't afford hand lotion.

[Tom Segura]

He didn't have it with him. Lunel showed up with hand lotion. Lunel crushed. Lunel crushed. Dude destroyed. Sam Morrell murdered. Matt Rife. I mean, every big J. Everyone fucking killed on that goddamn show.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's fucking awesome. Yeah. You did it with Shaq. Isn't that weird that you're friends with Shaq?

[Tom Segura]

It is bizarre. It is bizarre. Yeah. It is bizarre.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's weird, right?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I think any being friends with any celebrity. I remember one time I was saying to Rogan, I was like. I was like, like, it's so nice now that AI can reply to your text, and I don't have to stress about replying to celebrities. And he goes, what celebrities do? You know? And I go, I don't know. It's just a couple. And then I realized I'm talking to one of the most famous people in the world.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And he's like, do you use that for me? And I was like, oh, yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

Sometimes it is fun to talk, like, to realize your friends are huge. Just in a moment, like, me and Destefano went to the A game, and they were walking up because he gets, like, good seats, and everyone. I was like, wait, did you get famous? Yeah, like, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Hella, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Joe's. Joe's too famous. Crazy famous.

[Ari Shaffir]

I don't walk too close to Joe because snipers sometimes miss.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. So nuts.

[Ari Shaffir]

I walk five. I let. Oh, you want to stand next to him? You stand next to him. I'll stand up some indoors.

[Bert Kreischer]

You don't want that level.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, you know what's so funny is, do you remember when Joe was like. Like, I want to get less famous.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

And he just got a hundred times.

[Ari Shaffir]

He was, like, mid Fear Factor saying that.

[Tom Segura]

No one calls him the Fear Factor guy anymore.

[Ari Shaffir]

No one calls him the Fear Factor guy anymore.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're right. Now they call him the how dare you have that person on your show guy.

[Ari Shaffir]

That's a good nickname. That's a good Native American nickname. Joe, how dare you have that person

[Tom Segura]

on your shows Speaks with presidents.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's crazy, though. No, it's fun to see you guys get recognized, though. I like it. I like being out with you. I like seeing you get recognized.

[Tom Segura]

What are you talking About. You get recognized all the time.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, but it's fun to see other people.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it's fun.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's fun.

[Tom Segura]

I saw. I was at lunch with Joe one time, and this child wanted to say hi to him.

[Unknown Speaker (brief interjections)]

Like, 13 years old.

[Tom Segura]

No. A child.

[Ari Shaffir]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

And his security was like, no, no. And then I just. I was behind and I went, yeah, come on in. Because I thought maybe he wanted to say hi to me. The best is we were having dinner one time with the wildest table of people, like Taylor Sheridan, me, Joe, David Goggins. Our wife and a fan snuck in to say hi to me and didn't realize the table that was there.

[Ari Shaffir]

That feels good.

[Tom Segura]

And he was like, dude, Bert, I'm just. And then he went, holy fuck.

[Ari Shaffir]

And then he looked.

[Tom Segura]

And then Joe goes, how the fuck did he get in here? And they were like, he wanted to see Burt.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

That's funny.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

Hey, let me ask you guys a question. Remember when we did this is not happening?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, of course.

[Ari Shaffir]

Those are fucking great.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. That was the best.

[Ari Shaffir]

You guys remember their stories on this not happening? Flying dildos. That was one of the best. That was not even my favorite of yours.

[Tom Segura]

Tracy Morgan's the best.

[Ari Shaffir]

Tracy Morgan will never be spoken of.

[Tom Segura]

Wait, which is. Which was the story? I told you that one.

[Ari Shaffir]

And fighting a bear.

[Tom Segura]

Fighting a bear was. Yeah, fighting a bear. That was like. That was a big bump. I think I was a bump, right?

[Kevin Ryan]

Big bump.

[Ari Shaffir]

It was still a bump from one thing.

[Tom Segura]

That was when the Internet was kind and, like, you'd do a story and they'd be like, God, can you believe that came out? How cool. And now you go on the Internet, and they're like, enough. This guy's a fucking narcissist. They're like. And by the way, my therapist says you can be a good narcissist.

[Bert Kreischer]

Sure. Yeah. You're a sweet one.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Narcissism creates shit like this. Like, narcissism's not bad.

[Ari Shaffir]

Narcissism, spite, all good driving forces.

[Tom Segura]

Spite's great, by the way. So this is what my therapist said. A nars, Like, I only do shit if it affects me. Right? Like, I only care about how I feel at the end of the day. Like, I don't cheat on my wife because I can't live without her.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right?

[Tom Segura]

But I don't think about her feelings. But I know that I'd be fucked up if I didn't have her.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right?

[Ari Shaffir]

This is the most honest I've ever heard anyone say.

[Tom Segura]

No, that's the truth, you know?

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I don't talk shit about Tom. Not because I don't want to. I want to, but he doesn't do shit. We're talking shit about.

[Bert Kreischer]

There we go.

[Ari Shaffir]

There it is. There it is. He's low level.

[Bert Kreischer]

That was.

[Unknown Speaker (possibly a promoter or host)]

That was painful.

[Ari Shaffir]

What do you think, Tom? Fat or skinny? What do you prefer? Take away the living longer.

[Tom Segura]

There's two very different Toms.

[Ari Shaffir]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Like, Tom fat was broke.

[Ari Shaffir]

There he is now. There's Tom fat right now. Look at his trouble sitting.

[Tom Segura]

Tom. Tom fat was. Didn't know he had money yet. That was a fun Tom. Like when he was like, I could buy like four iPhone chargers. I don't have to have just one across the room.

[Bert Kreischer]

That was a fun discovery.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And it was a fun purchase.

[Tom Segura]

And like. And like, he didn't know how to make dinner yet, so he'd buy. He'd make a plate with like nine things on it. Because he was like, I can buy all these vegetables.

[Bert Kreischer]

Vegetables. That's how we know it's made up.

[Tom Segura]

And now he's got a chef who prepares a meal.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, but this chef.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, go ahead.

[Tom Segura]

What do you prefer?

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you prefer 325 pound bird or 280 pound bird?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Which one do you like more?

[Ari Shaffir]

I mean, we're taking apart living longer, right? I. I mean, the 325 pounder of literally just three months ago.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. It's kind of got a Tiger woods fun vibe kind of guy.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, it was fun vibe where you're like, he anything. He can't on you too much because you're like, remember how you're gonna die in a week?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And then he'd be like, all right, knock it all off. And then, yeah, here comes 345 pound bird.

[Tom Segura]

It's hard.

[Ari Shaffir]

It was fun. Also, the menu guys. I don't think you've ever been with somebody who says, one of each, please.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's not an exaggeration.

[Tom Segura]

It's not an exaggeration.

[Ari Shaffir]

What a joy.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was fucking massive eating.

[Ari Shaffir]

And then you're like, sick. One of each for everybody. He goes, I mean, get what you want. Order something.

[Tom Segura]

Fat Tom was broke, so he'd go through phases. Like, he went through a pecan pie phase.

[Ari Shaffir]

That's crazy. To go through a specific flavor of pie phase.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, it was his wife's grandmother's recipe, and I had it at their house. And I was like, this is fucking unbelievable. She goes, I gave y'. All, I'll give you the recipe if you want that. And I was like, Yeah, I would love that. And then it was like a challenge. I'm gonna make this pie from scratch. And I made it, and I was like, it's amazing. I should make seven more, you know?

[Tom Segura]

Well, if you're making one pecan pie, you might as well make two. And if you're making two, fuck it, make four. Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

Freezer's empty.

[Tom Segura]

And now Tom's got a fucking. A kitchen full of pecan pie.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was £30 in a month.

[Ari Shaffir]

Tom fat was such a piece of disgusting. He was more gross than you were. Oh, yeah, your belly's pushed out. Tom was a sag. Tom looked like he had the lipo surgery, but, like, from 500 to 300, I see old videos of you on this app and other stuff, and it's like, gross. I had trouble breathing, swallowing, just basic human stuff. His body was like, we're giving up, up.

[Tom Segura]

He would travel with hot sauce. Yeah, he would have hot sauce with him at all times.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, that was true. Very fat. Lots of diarrhea, too.

[Ari Shaffir]

A lot, I bet.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

A lot of talking about. You were a different guy. You would talk about making brown all the time.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, it was a big part of my life. I would wake up and be like, oh, my God. And then I would do something and my body would say, this needs to happen again.

[Tom Segura]

I remember it was comical when he started fat shaming me because he was so fat, that it was a joke.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then I wouldn't say it was a joke.

[Ari Shaffir]

You were both should have felt a lot of shame, right? Yeah. Hey, can I apologize for a second?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, dude.

[Ari Shaffir]

You let him finish and then you talked. That was great.

[Tom Segura]

What are you talking about?

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, he finished his thought and then you broke in. It was like, give do or do is do. Yeah, it was solid.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Well, we're done with that. Go ahead.

[Bert Kreischer]

How does it feel to see your sweet Israeli friend?

[Ari Shaffir]

I missed you so much when I was traveling. I missed both you guys.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I texted him and tried calling him a bunch.

[Ari Shaffir]

My number was done.

[Tom Segura]

I know. Oh, yeah, I know.

[Ari Shaffir]

You called me right before I left,

[Tom Segura]

and then one day it just disappeared. Your number disappeared and I went, oh, fuck. Did I get blocked?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And then I was like, I wonder if I did something, and then look

[Ari Shaffir]

up two texts saying, I'm about to delete this number. But your nub fingers back then couldn't scroll.

[Bert Kreischer]

It probably was your sausage digits.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

Well, you thought I was ignoring you.

[Tom Segura]

I was like, I wonder what's going on. Then I was like, whatever.

[Ari Shaffir]

That's Sad.

[Tom Segura]

I know. I was like. I was like, I don't know what I did, but then I was like,

[Ari Shaffir]

do you guys hate. I do this. Hate themselves. Hate yourself so much that when somebody doesn't text you back, like, well, I guess he's just cutting me out. I'll just. All right, fine.

[Bert Kreischer]

Thousand percent. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

I got.

[Tom Segura]

I got it.

[Ari Shaffir]

They go, sorry, I was camping. What's up? And you're like, no, you're back in my life.

[Tom Segura]

Joe Derosa just showed up.

[Bert Kreischer]

Everybody seeing everybody.

[Tom Segura]

Joe Derosa, come on up here. Well, you look great for the 5k. You ran it clean with no socks.

[Unknown Speaker (possibly a promoter or host)]

Wild.

[Bert Kreischer]

What was your time?

[Tom Segura]

Got my mic right here.

[Bert Kreischer]

Joe, what was your time?

[Joe DeRosa]

Joe, what was my time in the five?

[Unknown Speaker (possibly a promoter or host)]

Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

Wasn't it 24 in 11 minutes?

[Ari Shaffir]

Wow, 11 minutes.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's a new record.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Rosa has the new record. Give it up for him, everybody.

[Tom Segura]

That's pretty amazing, ladies and gentlemen.

[Unknown Speaker (possibly a promoter or host)]

Good job.

[Joe DeRosa]

It's good to see all of you. It's good to see you three. What's going on? I could hear you. I could hear you from all the way over there.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, so can Palestine. We're coming.

[Bert Kreischer]

Huh? How horrible.

[Tom Segura]

We're trying to.

[Bert Kreischer]

How horrible was the moment where you were like. That's Ari's voice.

[Ari Shaffir]

Oh, yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

Immediate.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's immediate, right?

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

Immediately cuts through everything.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know.

[Joe DeRosa]

It's weird. It's very weird. I could hear you guys talking, but I couldn't. I just sounded like voices. Yeah, but Ari's thick Jew voice just really cut through the air.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, Just. It's always been like that. It's.

[Tom Segura]

It's just punishing.

[Bert Kreischer]

It just says, like, Jew. That's what it feels like.

[Ari Shaffir]

It's like a slow motion.

[Joe DeRosa]

A deep baritone Jew.

[Tom Segura]

It's just like a. You can almost like. Every time I hear Ari talk, I. I hear. I see this. Yes. Yeah. Such a powerful stance on stage. It's good to not move and do this for an hour and a half. People can change the weather.

[Ari Shaffir]

I'm not enjoying. I'm not enjoying any of this.

[Tom Segura]

You have.

[Joe DeRosa]

You have woman shelter posture on stage. That's like, what happened to you just now, right?

[Ari Shaffir]

I don't want to talk about it.

[Bert Kreischer]

You stand like an abused lady.

[Ari Shaffir]

You ever have somebody go to, like, touch their ear and you go like that? Nothing. Joe, you're the biggest pig in comedy. What have you done this week so far?

[Joe DeRosa]

What shows?

[Ari Shaffir]

No pig shit.

[Tom Segura]

Just booze.

[Joe DeRosa]

Like, a lot of drinking. Yeah, a lot of drinking. Every night.

[Ari Shaffir]

I went from here, from Austin with you to here. And my body is shutting down.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah, I know. Austin was a hard. That was a hard run because you were in town and we were drinking every night. And then Tom. I saw Tom the first night, and he goes, you gotta come to the 5k thing on Saturday.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was like, yeah, that's right.

[Joe DeRosa]

Wait, what time is that at? He's like, like, you can get there at like 11. And I was like, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

He was like, no.

[Ari Shaffir]

Doros is like, well, I have shows at 11. And he's like, no, AM. There's an AM he's like, come on.

[Bert Kreischer]

He goes, but doesn't that mean I gotta leave by like 10? I'm like, yeah, you can do that.

[Tom Segura]

But I go, the problem is, Tom,

[Joe DeRosa]

is I have my own show Friday night and I'm gonna kind of turn it up after. And he goes, what time's your show? I go, seven. And he goes, so you think you. You get done at 8:30, you're gonna drink so much you wouldn't be able to wake up up at 10am on Saturday. And I was like, yeah, yeah, that is kind of how it goes.

[Bert Kreischer]

How deep did you go?

[Joe DeRosa]

Actually kind of a light night. It was because I knew I wanted to at least get over here before

[Tom Segura]

close for the easy part.

[Bert Kreischer]

Did you naturally wake up or set the alarm?

[Joe DeRosa]

I naturally woke up at what?

[Bert Kreischer]

Around what time?

[Joe DeRosa]

I usually naturally wake up every day at like, at the latest, 9 or 9:30. Because my anxiety.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it's wrong.

[Joe Rogan]

Yes.

[Joe DeRosa]

I've pissed the bed. I have to get up, change sheets.

[Tom Segura]

You look fantastic.

[Bert Kreischer]

You do look great.

[Tom Segura]

You don't look like you were up late last night, buddy.

[Joe DeRosa]

I'm shooting testosterone. Like it's fucking.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's the best, isn't it?

[Ari Shaffir]

You.

[Joe DeRosa]

You.

[Tom Segura]

You got me on it, dude. Testosterone is better than having a big dick. It is nice.

[Joe DeRosa]

It is the best.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, you got me on it.

[Joe DeRosa]

You don't remember this, Bert Kreischer? You were. You were directing or producing Shane Taurus's special in Brooklyn.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

And I came out to hang out and we were standing at the bar, and I go, bert, I don't know what to do. And you go, what do you mean? And I go, my doctor said I have to slow down drinking, but I don't want to stop drinking at all. And you go to your assistant, you go, get him the cocktail. Get him on it right now. And the guy texted me immediately. And a week later, I was shooting testosterone.

[Tom Segura]

Testosterone is reparative to your liver.

[Ari Shaffir]

They couldn't sell Derosa on doing it until they called it a cocktail.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, Ari.

[Unknown Speaker (possibly a promoter or host)]

Jesus.

[Tom Segura]

Anyway, that's.

[Joe DeRosa]

That's minimal exercise and testosterone. You look great. How much weight have you dropped?

[Tom Segura]

£50. Whoa. Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

That's amazing.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, thanks. Watch out for my belly button.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, you don't like to get it.

[Tom Segura]

No, stop.

[Ari Shaffir]

What?

[Tom Segura]

Nothing. No, I'm gonna get up and leave this.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no, I'm not.

[Tom Segura]

I don't like my belly button. I have a weird belly button phobia. It's the reason I started losing weight for real is I was in Hawaii.

[Bert Kreischer]

And you couldn't see it.

[Tom Segura]

No. And my belly button disappeared. It became an Audi. Stop. And I swear to God, stop. Isla was putting sunscreen on me and she went, oh, buddy, we gotta do something about that. And I said, what? She goes, you lost your belly button? I think you outgrew it. And I was like, wait, what? And then Georgie goes, it's an Audi. And then they both were like, oh, my God. Can you feel it touch your shirt? And I could feel my belly button touching my shirt.

[Bert Kreischer]

It really did.

[Tom Segura]

It did.

[Bert Kreischer]

Let me see.

[Tom Segura]

No, no, no, I'm not gonna touch it. Don't touch it.

[Ari Shaffir]

For real.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm not gonna touch it.

[Joe Rogan]

It.

[Bert Kreischer]

So it actually went out and came back in.

[Tom Segura]

Went out and it came and it. I would. It was giving me something.

[Ari Shaffir]

Can I tell you what it is? Can I tell you what it actually is?

[Tom Segura]

It's a hernia.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, it's a hernia.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And now I don't have it. I got rid of all of my hernia by doing abs and working out. I had the one right here, the fin, and it's gone.

[Joe DeRosa]

Wait, you got rid of it without surgery?

[Tom Segura]

Without. Well, I went to. I talked to a doctor, and the doctor's like, don't do the fucking surgery. It's a nightmare. And I was like, for real? And they're like, yeah, it's like eight week recovery. And. Yeah. And so they were like, really? You can fix it with. With working out, like if you lose weight. So I lost £50. I do abs. And the. This one's gone and this one's gone.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's insanely possible. But I congratulate you.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

My doctor was like, that will not go away no matter what.

[Tom Segura]

What doctor have you ever gone to?

[Ari Shaffir]

I went to a doctor.

[Tom Segura]

How long have you been shedding blood?

[Bert Kreischer]

I know.

[Joe DeRosa]

And what third world country were you in when you went to the doctor?

[Joe Rogan]

Did you go here or did you

[Joe DeRosa]

go on one of your weird eyes

[Tom Segura]

Closed and your head on a pillow. When you saw this doctor, I was

[Ari Shaffir]

getting filled from behind.

[Bert Kreischer]

Does that still work that way?

[Tom Segura]

What?

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you still have that problem, shedding blood? Yeah, it's not.

[Ari Shaffir]

I don't call it a problem. It's like autism. There's no cure.

[Tom Segura]

Well, I think there's a cure.

[Jelly Roll]

What?

[Tom Segura]

I think there's a cure. There's absolutely a cure.

[Ari Shaffir]

How many people here have shit blood in the last year? Champions.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. You won't be here next year. That's fucking crazy.

[Tom Segura]

This isn't the best test group.

[Ari Shaffir]

No, but.

[Tom Segura]

But here's the thing, dude.

[Joe DeRosa]

Here's why it is a problem.

[Tom Segura]

It's just a little.

[Joe DeRosa]

When you hear the term shit blood, you think of shit with a little bit of blood in it. Ari. Literally, shits just blood. It's all blood.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's pretty bad.

[Tom Segura]

It's not good, dude, he has to cram a tampon up his ass for it to stop bleeding. It's not an accident. And then if you're one of his friends, you're lucky enough to get him to try to put that in your mouth when you're not paying attention.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it's pretty cool, but because I respect you. So you've never seen anybody for this?

[Ari Shaffir]

This guy, he's not fun.

[Bert Kreischer]

You've never seen anyone for this? What you've never seen.

[Ari Shaffir]

I have. It's not cancer. So he's like, fuck it. I don't know.

[Unknown Speaker (possibly a promoter or host)]

Jesus Christ.

[Ari Shaffir]

I'm like, oh, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Can you imagine being in a doctor Spicy foods? Senator Albany goes, oh, yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

He goes, well, you might want to stay away from that. I was like, no, but I love spicy food. He goes, well, then you're gonna blood. And I was like, yeah, I knew this going into this meeting, dude.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah. I just came back from a country where you eat a squirrel on a stick.

[Ari Shaffir]

Not much blood get from a squirrel on a stick.

[Joe DeRosa]

Did you ever see the pictures of a Tom?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, of course. In person, bro.

[Tom Segura]

All right, guys, they're playing me out.

[Ari Shaffir]

Wait, hold on. I.

[Tom Segura]

That's the end of this right now.

[Ari Shaffir]

I got something to say before I go. I have a travel podcast called you be tripping, and I have an award every year for people that have won an award in the show. We have one award called the biggest piece of shit award that I renamed the Joe DeRosa Award. He's never won, but last year there was a trippy award for best trip. Every year we go to a different place, and best trip last year was none other than Bert Kreischer.

[Tom Segura]

What are you talking about?

[Ari Shaffir]

Congratulations on your trippy award, Bert.

[Tom Segura]

My trippy award? Wait, this is real?

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah. Wait, what is this for best episode of my podcast.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, for real?

[Ari Shaffir]

Trippy award. Best trip for his trip to Vietnam.

[Bert Kreischer]

Stick it in.

[Ari Shaffir]

I wasn't even gonna say that, but they make a good point.

[Tom Segura]

I bet. This is awesome. Thank. What's the trick?

[Ari Shaffir]

There's no. There's no trick on this one.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, for real?

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Don't touch the top.

[Tom Segura]

Touch the top.

[Bert Kreischer]

And don't smell the box.

[Joe DeRosa]

I swear to God, I thought there was going to be a turd in it.

[Ari Shaffir]

You were nominated. You won. We're a sexual adventure.

[Bert Kreischer]

Thank you.

[Tom Segura]

Well, thank you very much. I love doing your podcast and I'd love to do another episode.

[Joe Rogan]

Absolutely.

[Ari Shaffir]

You're the best.

[Tom Segura]

And congratulations on. This is the very end.

[Ari Shaffir]

This is the end. Guys. They actually have a five dollar discount code right here.

[Bert Kreischer]

Fuck.

[Ari Shaffir]

I shouldn't have told you that. But if you go look at one of Those, you get $5 off right now. Go get a fucking. As a Jew, I don't like it, but as a comedy fan, I would say go. Go get that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Amazing. Thank you, guys.

[Tom Segura]

Make sure to watch new show Bad Ideas.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's called bad thoughts. May 24th.

[Unknown Speaker (possibly a promoter or host)]

Please watch.

[Joe DeRosa]

I should. Can I plug.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, of course.

[Joe DeRosa]

Please watch my new podcast on ymh. Vile and horrendous. It's been a blast so far. Thank you for making me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Absolutely.

[Tom Segura]

Thank you everyone for coming out.

[Bert Kreischer]

Thank you, guys.

[Tom Segura]

I'll tell you what, we'll do it again next year. Different city, we'll travel, we'll make it a fucking blast. Thank you guys for coming out. Two bears, 5K. Netflix, the joke Fest.

[Bert Kreischer]

Thank you, guys.

[Tom Segura]

Bert and Tom. Tom and Bert.

[Kevin Ryan]

One goes topless while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Burt's the Machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean.

[Tom Segura]

Here's what we call two bears. One cave.