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Bert Kreischer
What's up?
Unknown Speaker (possibly a promoter or host)
Are you in Austin? Are you visiting Austin? Do you live in Austin? Well, I welcome you to. Please come check out Ciccio Bomba. That is the Italian bakery that I have opened in Austin. We are now at three locations. We're at the Fairground Food hall underneath the Wells Fargo building downtown. We are in the lobby of the Scarborough Building and we have our all new flagship location at 1100 South Lamar, right in front of the Alamo Drafthouse. We have pastries, we have coffee, we have homemade Italian sandwiches, we have pizza, we have pasta. So just come in, rub my big belly. It's in our statue. Eat some food and enjoy yourself. And I hope you have a good time at Chichabomba, which means a little fat ass.
Unknown Speaker (brief interjections)
100%.
Tom Segura
Cheers. Hello, everybody.
Bert Kreischer
Hi, everyone.
Tom Segura
Oh, this chair feels fucking nice.
Bert Kreischer
Oh, my God.
Tom Segura
Did anyone else send a person best today? Is anyone down weight from the first time they ran it? They're out of breath.
Bert Kreischer
Anyone set a really crazy time on the first heat? Five minutes.
Tom Segura
Yeah, 22 minutes. Personal best.
Bert Kreischer
Wow.
Tom Segura
Just shy of a 5K.
Bert Kreischer
Thank you guys for coming out. Give yourselves a round of applause. Thank you for being here, everybody.
Tom Segura
This is a live podcast. We have a bunch of comedians. We're going to bring them up, in and out. My name's Bert, this is Tom, and we are live at the Rose Bowl.
Bert Kreischer
Yes, sir. I just cramped walking up to this. My calf cramped and I'm scared about the next hour.
Tom Segura
My toenail is going to come off. Fucking cool, by the way. Yeah, you can have my toenails, sir.
Bert Kreischer
Fuck yeah, dude. Sell that shit.
Tom Segura
I'll tell you, this is such a cool, cool experience and it's so nice to see all these people out here and to see so many familiar faces with the fun T shirts. I see one where I'm tucking my dick between my legs. Thank you.
Bert Kreischer
That's awesome.
Tom Segura
A picture from when Tom and I did a show with Vivid porn stars. Yes, we saw Evan Stone's Cocktail.
Bert Kreischer
That was a great day. Yes, that was a really great day. Oh, yeah, that's me as. Yeah, a cool lady. Brigitte. Sorry.
Tom Segura
So I think it's only fitting if we start off this podcast by bringing up what I think is the third bear, the third biggest, most important guy here. It's me, Tom and Jelly. Every time we do these, he's did this the last time two years ago at I think over 500 pounds. Today, he's weighing in anywhere between 250 and 270. Oh, ladies and gentlemen.
Unknown Speaker (possibly a promoter or host)
Wow.
Tom Segura
Jelly roll, Jelly.
Joe Rogan
I love y'.
Tom Segura
All.
Jelly Roll
What's up, Los Angeles? Burke, I'm sure you've already been talking about it, but this microphone is scorching hot. Was your microphone.
Bert Kreischer
It's really hot.
Jelly Roll
I might have to borrow a towel.
Tom Segura
Did I see that towel? Singing scary.
Unknown Speaker (possibly a promoter or host)
Feel that.
Tom Segura
Oh, fuck. Oh, that's going to catch on fire.
Jelly Roll
Fucking watch out for that one.
Bert Kreischer
All right, I'll move that one to the shade.
Jelly Roll
I heard so many stories out there. We finished with a guy who lost 300 pounds when he heard about this race two years ago.
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, that was amazing.
Jelly Roll
So that was two guys that have lost 250. Where's that? What, is he still here? If y' all know this guy, but he's got a shirt that says every mile matters. He's. What is. He met his wife at last year at Tampa. You want to talk about a real Two Bears love story, Tom?
Bert Kreischer
That's pretty crazy.
Jelly Roll
This dude lost. He heard about the first one, lost a bunch of weight to run in the second one and then met his wife at the second one and lost a lot more weight. Now him and his wife are here
Joe Rogan
for the third one.
Bert Kreischer
That's awesome. You guys should do anal tonight. You've earned it. That's amazing.
Tom Segura
What's amazing is he showed us a picture of him at his biggest and I think everyone's got one of those pictures. And you always wish I was a little bit bigger because I've lost the weight. And his is the best biggest picture I've ever seen. Family came to his house to say goodbye to him. They thought he was going to die. And today he ran a fucking 5K.
Jelly Roll
Let's go.
Bert Kreischer
Isn't it cool that you can laugh at that now?
Tom Segura
It's hysterical. Now that you are bigger than my 600 pound life, bro.
Joe DeRosa
You.
Bert Kreischer
You can laugh about the fact that you had a funeral planned. Everyone was like, we got to get this huge fucking casket. They make one for the circus. We can borrow it. Jelly, you came down how much since this whole thing started? You're down several hundred.
Jelly Roll
Almost. Almost 300 pounds.
Bert Kreischer
That's incredible.
Tom Segura
Wow.
Bert Kreischer
Can I ask you, when you look back as a guy who has gone so far now in this, like, fitness kind of ride, what was like, what did you used to think when you saw just like a staircase? Oh, Jesus. Used to go like, fuck me, we're staying down here.
Jelly Roll
I counted them.
Bert Kreischer
Really?
Jelly Roll
I would count staircases. I would Google venues and try to zoom in and look at chairs or like restaurants.
Joe Rogan
How many?
Jelly Roll
You know what I'M saying. I mean, I was so fat.
Tom Segura
I mean, this is a fun game. Yeah, let's do fat guy things that no one else thinks of. Yeah. By the way, a booth. Fuck a booth.
Jelly Roll
No, no, boost the biggest one, though. For years, Tom, and I'm sure you went through this even when. Because you wasn't that fat, but you were still pretty fucking fat.
Tom Segura
Hold on, hold on. Tom was way fatter than he pretends. Just because you didn't get on the scale of 315 doesn't mean you weren't 315, you asshole.
Bert Kreischer
I was never 315, bag of shit. No, I did not.
Tom Segura
Tom was the Rachel Dolan's all of fat.
Jelly Roll
Airplane bathrooms. Oh, I used to have this nightmare because they were so small, I couldn't turn around in them. So if I had to walk in and pee, that wasn't a problem. I would just back out. But my fear was, if I ever had to shit, I was gonna have to back in. You know what I'm saying?
Bert Kreischer
Oh, yeah.
Tom Segura
They'd see you going in to take a shit. I like to back into this bathroom.
Bert Kreischer
So airplane bathrooms, we know. Stairs suck. Shoelaces fucking suck.
Jelly Roll
Listen, my mama's still. My mama's. I'm from a competitive family. My mama's fat,
Tom Segura
okay?
Bert Kreischer
She was like, you think you're fat to this day?
Jelly Roll
You know how fat people are. Tie their shoe on the side. My mama's shoe slices are always tied over here.
Bert Kreischer
Over there. Yes.
Jelly Roll
Where she pulls her leg up and ties it like this. Right here. So it's tied right.
Bert Kreischer
Because this is out of the question.
Jelly Roll
The idea of me tying my shoe, like, that's fucking absurd. Buying jeans at the mall. Me and Big Jay Okerson were talking about all the stuff we can do together.
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
Jelly Roll
Me and Jay Okerson said we can go buy jeans at the mall together.
Bert Kreischer
That's fucking.
Jelly Roll
We can ride roller coasters together. Oh, I went to Six Flags last summer. Not Six Flags, Universal Studios.
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
Jelly Roll
The first time I ever rode a roller coaster was as a 41 year old adult male.
Bert Kreischer
See, that's another fun thing. You know what else you could do now that you couldn't do before? Just get on the floor if you
Jelly Roll
feel like we're on top of my wife.
Tom Segura
Yeah. Yeah.
Bert Kreischer
That's a good one.
Jelly Roll
It is. To not be positionally challenged anymore.
Bert Kreischer
That's right.
Tom Segura
I joke about it. Watching my wife suck my dick blew my mind.
Jelly Roll
Oh, dude, it was a crazy.
Tom Segura
My dick go in my wife's. I just was hoping that was what she was doing?
Jelly Roll
No, I got a joke that talks about how I didn't see my dick for 30 years.
Unknown Speaker (possibly a promoter or host)
Holy.
Jelly Roll
So I just met my adult dick.
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
Tom Segura
Wait, I call him Richard.
Bert Kreischer
Like a surprise.
Jelly Roll
Listen, the hey Macarena was the biggest song on the radio the last time I seen my dick.
Bert Kreischer
Holy.
Jelly Roll
Do you know how many women my dick disappointed before I knew my dick was disappointing?
Bert Kreischer
Did. Did it look the way you remembered it, or were you like, wow, you've. You're different.
Jelly Roll
I haven't seen you more than I thought. It looks like a little Boo Boo doll.
Tom Segura
I remember jerking off when I lost weight, and I. I was turning myself on because I could see it. Dude. Crazy fat guy move right here.
Jelly Roll
Being able to roper.
Tom Segura
Pulling a pillow to your stomach to sit on the bed. Oh, yeah.
Jelly Roll
Put pillows to cover the stomach.
Bert Kreischer
Lots of pillows.
Tom Segura
Yeah.
Bert Kreischer
Or you push the fat pad back just to see an extra inch. You're like, that's pretty cool.
Jelly Roll
That's in there. Listen, the pouch is gone, but now the skin. Now my dick looks like a pug.
Tom Segura
You know what I'm saying?
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
Jelly Roll
It's finally got its nose out, but it's just draped on the side.
Bert Kreischer
Pugs are so adorable.
Tom Segura
Yeah.
Bert Kreischer
I bet everybody would give yours a little nuzzle if they could see it.
Tom Segura
Pull it out.
Bert Kreischer
Pull it out. That'd be a cool headline.
Jelly Roll
I hate y'.
Tom Segura
All.
Jelly Roll
Whatever favor you need, I got you. I love you, baby.
Bert Kreischer
Oh, my God.
Tom Segura
It's really impressive to see the way you were moving today. Like when we. I really remember on the first 5K, we did crossing the Line with you and Bunny and Leanne. Yes. And the four of us crying and Bunny saying, I think you guys might have just saved his life.
Jelly Roll
True story.
Tom Segura
And you said that today, you said, you know.
Jelly Roll
No, no, what you said was deeper. You said, where do you think you'd be at today if we didn't start this journey or something like that? You're like, what do you think we'd be doing if we wasn't here? And I said, bert, I don't know what you'd be doing, but I don't think I'd be here. The way I was drinking, there was no way a man was drinking a liter of tequila a day and £500, and I was gonna live much longer. I wasn't gonna live here.
Bert Kreischer
There's no way for sure.
Jelly Roll
I didn't have another 30 months of living like that in me when y' all announced this. It was a godsend, man. And I really as Fucked up as it sounds, I was like, if fuck Kreischer does this, I can do this. Bert Kreischer is like every man. There is nothing actually special about Bert at all. I'm joking.
Tom Segura
Listen, I'm as shocked as you are that I did it.
Jelly Roll
I'm joking. Bert is the fucking machine. I knew what it really was is that I knew I had friends, and I knew that y' all would create a place that people like myself wouldn't feel judged. Trying to.
Ari Shaffir
Yeah.
Jelly Roll
And that was what was important. When I seen y' all announce this,
Tom Segura
you know, and I thought, I think
Jelly Roll
that's what is the coolest thing. I don't know. I watch. I am here because I am a fan of y', all, right? I'm a fan of the podcast I run, and I'll listen to the pod. I think y' all are funny. I think y' all fucking in a world full of just a bunch of shit I don't want to hear about. Y' all are like a breath of fresh air. And I thought this place would be a place that anybody could show up. Anybody could feel welcome. Anybody could run it, they could walk it, they could drink beer, they could smoke joints, they could praise God. Y' all don't really give a fuck about what people do. You're a come one, come all kind of crew. So you actually made a space where guys like talking about me. Dude, I lost 300 pounds. That other man lost 300 pounds. The dude next to us running said he lost 70 pounds. There's a dude back there that lost 120 pounds. That is a thousand pounds. And just us that have been lost. These are the five stories. I know how many people have lost any amount of weight trying to do this. 5K. £70 right there in the front line. It's £50 right there. It feels like a auction now. You should hear it, y'.
Tom Segura
All.
Jelly Roll
You think they're making offers?
Bert Kreischer
You got John bringing me glasses. Okay, guys, these look.
Tom Segura
Oh, cool.
Bert Kreischer
So racist. This is crazy. You can't feel like you're like, can't
Tom Segura
wait to run a train on a
Bert Kreischer
checkout of our country. They're taking our jobs. We should paint the ballroom blue. You know what I mean, bro? Yeah. Yeah. January 6th. These are rad.
Unknown Speaker (possibly a promoter or host)
All right.
Tom Segura
Those are nice.
Ari Shaffir
Yeah.
Bert Kreischer
I believe in our country. All right, so. No, this is wild, man. Also, we should point this. This is what I wanted to tell you. It's about the. Just the progress, too, because the first time, you know, was the first time you Got all emotional last year for people that don't know who went to Tampa. Anyone go to Tampa? Last dude that they get, they made us go up the ramps of the stadium.
Jelly Roll
We went through a ship, battleship or something.
Bert Kreischer
And then you go down and up these ramps. And I remember we were like, dude, there's no way that you. And you fucking crushed that, too.
Jelly Roll
Yes, sir.
Bert Kreischer
You just keep getting better and better and better, man.
Jelly Roll
I saved almost 14 minutes off this year already, though.
Ari Shaffir
Holy.
Bert Kreischer
Holy.
Tom Segura
That's impressive. You ran at a quick clip. We were doing sub 10 on that back. That back second mile, and I was holding pace with you, and I was like, holy shit. You should have run that first one we did, because we flew through that.
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
Tom Segura
It was a half a mile short of a 5K.
Bert Kreischer
It was half a mile short and the sun wasn't out. It was kind of perfect.
Tom Segura
I thought. I thought I was like, I am a fucking God. I crossed the finish line. He goes, 22 minutes. And I went, Holy shit. I just ran seven minute miles. God damn, I want to show people my dick. And then Tom goes, hey, did you clock that? And I go, 22 minutes. And he goes, no, the distance. I said, why? He goes, it was only 2.6 miles. I went, fuck, Burt.
Jelly Roll
I want to tell you, though, there's nobody left to show your dick to. We have all seen your dick. I have a statue of your dick at my house right now. Did y' all know Burt sent statues of his dick to everybody to celebrate his TV show?
Tom Segura
I'll send you one, sir.
Jelly Roll
This is a true story.
Joe Rogan
Did you get one of those, Tom?
Bert Kreischer
Did I get one of those?
Tom Segura
Yeah.
Ari Shaffir
Yeah.
Tom Segura
But you didn't open on.
Bert Kreischer
Oh, I have the box.
Jelly Roll
What do they call a busk?
Bert Kreischer
Is it a busk? It's a bust of your dick.
Tom Segura
It's a busting dick, dude.
Bert Kreischer
What?
Tom Segura
It's at the house.
Jelly Roll
It's right next to our bottle. I don't know why my wife put it there.
Unknown Speaker (possibly a promoter or host)
That's awesome.
Tom Segura
It's absolutely beautiful.
Bert Kreischer
Really?
Tom Segura
Yeah.
Bert Kreischer
Did you fluff before?
Tom Segura
Yes. How much you got to fluff a lot to get in order to do a cast of it.
Ari Shaffir
Yeah.
Tom Segura
You've got to get rock hard and then hope that it maintains some girth. Yeah, it's really difficult.
Unknown Speaker (brief interjections)
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Tom Segura
Listen.
Unknown Speaker (brief interjections)
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Jelly Roll
If it was rock hard, why is it still sitting on your box?
Tom Segura
It gets limp. It goes in and starts getting limp and all the gel starts going around it.
Bert Kreischer
So wait, at what percentage did you have to shave?
Tom Segura
Yeah, you got to shave everything, go clean.
Bert Kreischer
What percentage of all of you is the bust?
Tom Segura
Oh, I would actually. Pretty good. I would say that is a solid 70%.
Unknown Speaker (possibly a promoter or host)
Wow.
Bert Kreischer
Okay, I'm gonna.
Tom Segura
It gets just a little bit harder.
Jelly Roll
Never opened it.
Bert Kreischer
I haven't opened the box.
Jelly Roll
It's literally on my mantle.
Bert Kreischer
Really?
Tom Segura
No.
Jelly Roll
I have birch pecker on my mantle. It's insane.
Bert Kreischer
That's insane.
Tom Segura
Yeah. Guys, check out Free Bird streaming right
Jelly Roll
now on Free Bird on Netflix.
Tom Segura
Hey, season two of Very Bad Ideas comes out.
Jelly Roll
Let's go.
Bert Kreischer
Let's go. Bad thoughts.
Kevin Ryan
Thank you.
Tom Segura
Bad thoughts. May 25, Tom's series, very Bad Ideas. If you ever. You know, it's so funny. Tom, when you came up with Very Bad Thoughts, what was the thought process? Let me see. How many sex scenes I can cram into a sketch show.
Bert Kreischer
There's a couple. There's a couple. Yeah. There's also diarrhea, a big cock, a huge. Yeah, there's a bunch. But this season's totally different. It's more racist.
Tom Segura
No, I heard, I heard, I heard, I heard someone who was like, I got pages and I had to turn down the project.
Bert Kreischer
We got a few people that said that we shouldn't make this show. And they called the agency and the network and they were like, this should not. You shouldn't make. This is going to hurt people. It's going to hurt people.
Tom Segura
He sent me an offer. He said, hey, are you free on this day? I said, I think I am. And he goes, great, I got a part for you. It's called a human piece of shit. You'll be in hair and makeup for about five hours. I go, wait, I'm going to actually be a human piece of shit? And he goes, do you have a problem with that? I said, no. I go, what are my lines? He goes, no lines. Just a human piece of shit.
Bert Kreischer
It was. No, it wasn't a human piece of shit. It was a hog tit shit beast.
Tom Segura
A hog tit shit piece. So check out Very Bad Thoughts streaming on Netflix May 25th.
Bert Kreischer
You would have been perfect.
Tom Segura
Thank you, Tom. Should we bring another comedian up? Let's do it. Share our experience.
Bert Kreischer
Yes. You know who's here?
Tom Segura
Who's here?
Bert Kreischer
The. Are you garbage guys. Let's get them here. H. Foley. Kevin Ryan.
Jelly Roll
I love y'.
Unknown Speaker (possibly a promoter or host)
All.
Jelly Roll
Thank y' all so much for having me.
Bert Kreischer
Baby give Jelly Roll a huge hand. We could not do this without him. All right,
Tom Segura
guys, it's gonna take Foley a second. He just ran his first 5k, so he's on his way.
Bert Kreischer
There he is. I see him.
Tom Segura
There he is. You know the.
Bert Kreischer
Are you garbage guys? Give it up. Where's Kevin? Here's H. Foley. Hell yeah.
Tom Segura
Where's Kevin? Kevin's not here.
Joe Rogan
In three seconds, I'm gonna start freaking out.
Bert Kreischer
Okay, he's coming. He's coming.
Tom Segura
Is that Mike?
Bert Kreischer
He's coming.
Joe Rogan
This mic is hot, baby. Thanks for having us, fellas.
Bert Kreischer
Thank you for coming.
Joe Rogan
If Kevin Ryan was here, he would say the same thing.
Tom Segura
Hey, ladies and gentlemen, Kevin Ryan.
Joe Rogan
And it didn't take me a long time to get up here. I was out there with the fans, walking around with the real people out there.
Kevin Ryan
What a pandering motherfucker.
Joe Rogan
Not these Hollywood fat cats over here. Am I right, guys?
Tom Segura
Not these. Not these Epstein. Pilot loving motherfuckers.
Joe Rogan
Not these in here. Am I right?
Kevin Ryan
This is going out too much. This is why.
Bert Kreischer
Is this your first one?
Joe Rogan
No, I did it two years ago.
Bert Kreischer
You did?
Joe Rogan
Yeah.
Kevin Ryan
You do you remember the helicopter?
Joe Rogan
No, I did it last year.
Bert Kreischer
Two years, Tampa.
Joe Rogan
And it was.
Kevin Ryan
No, here. We did it here.
Joe Rogan
I didn't know. You didn't die in Tampa. You don't say none. You got me out here in la. Jesus Christ.
Bert Kreischer
Tampa? You're more of a Tampa guy.
Joe Rogan
Oh, yeah.
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, dude.
Joe Rogan
Yeah. We did a. We just did side splitters. What, like a month and a half
Tom Segura
ago and we stopped bragging.
Kevin Ryan
Oh, I'm sorry, the side splits.
Joe Rogan
Am I right, gang?
Kevin Ryan
Oh, my God, dudes. What the fuck happened to you?
Joe Rogan
But we walked by this hotel on the water.
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
Joe Rogan
I told you this the other day. There was a dude out there playing, playing Steely Dan. We almost walked in and never came out. It was like that dream sequence in Sopranos when he almost walks into the house.
Bert Kreischer
That's how that's this comes from. Is that. Yeah, yeah.
Tom Segura
Oh, I am 100% a Florida man.
Joe Rogan
We know.
Tom Segura
Yeah, that's my town.
Kevin Ryan
Yeah.
Tom Segura
I can't wait to go back. Second wife, open up a gym slash beach bar.
Joe Rogan
Yeah.
Bert Kreischer
If you're from Florida, are you just inherently garbage?
Joe Rogan
I think if you're up in like the panhandle up by Jacksonville.
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Joe Rogan
You got fireworks in the. In the bedroom.
Tom Segura
Panama. If you're west of. West of Orlando, north of Tampa. Yeah, that's all garbage all the way up to Destin.
Bert Kreischer
I agree.
Tom Segura
Pensacola. Yeah.
Joe Rogan
We did the. We did the one you did a couple years ago when Jelly Roll did it.
Kevin Ryan
We did the first one.
Tom Segura
Yeah, the very first one.
Joe Rogan
Yes.
Tom Segura
Now you guys are both looking good. How much are you down?
Kevin Ryan
I'm down like £50.
Tom Segura
Nice.
Bert Kreischer
50.
Joe Rogan
Way to go.
Bert Kreischer
Congrats.
Kevin Ryan
Yeah, everybody says that.
Joe Rogan
I mean, I'm happy to say I am down four pounds.
Tom Segura
Nice.
Joe Rogan
Like 75 pounds.
Bert Kreischer
I'm down 75.
Joe Rogan
75.
Bert Kreischer
That's incredible.
Joe Rogan
That's Z bound. It's all organ tissue and. Okay, that stuff's bad news, kids.
Kevin Ryan
I did get a bone density scan. It was bad.
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, how bad?
Kevin Ryan
Like pre osteoporosis? Yeah, so don't bump into me on the way out of here.
Joe Rogan
I need a glass of milk, stat.
Bert Kreischer
Have you done the DEXA scan?
Joe Rogan
What's a DEXA scan?
Kevin Ryan
That's the thing I just got.
Joe Rogan
Yo, you got the money? I'll get it for you. Guy out here in la, did you.
Bert Kreischer
Did you. You've I've done it. I've done it. Yeah.
Kevin Ryan
Yeah, you do it, and it shows you your bones. And then it's like the meanest man drew, like, a cartoon character of your fat and your tiny little balls.
Tom Segura
Yeah, dude, it's so bad.
Bert Kreischer
And he tells you. He's like, you're gross.
Kevin Ryan
He, like, tells you the girl did it in the lobby and held it up in front of all these hot chicks. And she's like, yeah, you can see him like, put that shit down, lady.
Joe Rogan
No, I did that shit in high school.
Jelly Roll
This guy is crazy.
Joe Rogan
I already went through the presidential fitness test. I'm not doing that shit again. No, but you guys are at the point now where, of course, you both should be doing that. There's no reason for the two of you to ever die. You're aware of that. You guys have. You should be getting those full body scans every three days.
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, no shit, right? Therapy, fucking injections, everything.
Tom Segura
Yeah, I got my DEXA scan, and they said I was 40% fat. Which, out of 100%, doesn't sound that bad.
Kevin Ryan
I was like, yeah, congratulations to Burt, dude.
Tom Segura
I was like, nice. And he goes, your wife's 22%. I go, that sounds fat.
Kevin Ryan
I don't think.
Bert Kreischer
Gross.
Tom Segura
We should lower that one. Right?
Kevin Ryan
That's good. I'm trying to get healthy, though.
Tom Segura
We're trying.
Kevin Ryan
We're trying to take after you get healthy. You guys got healthy.
Tom Segura
Listen, I'm going to say this out loud right now, and I know this. You're not supposed to say this in Hollywood. I am on Manjaro. I am doing the Terazeptide shot. It works. I'm down £50. No, but no one talks about it.
Kevin Ryan
Everybody.
Tom Segura
And listen, if you're struggling with weight, it is a great. It's like taking Zoloft for fat people.
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, that's the thing about Bert. Like, he's open. He's a Holocaust denier, but he's open about his.
Tom Segura
Not a denier. I just didn't know Israel wasn't a thing before World War II. I thought they sent Jews down there to, like, save seats by the pool.
Joe Rogan
Yeah, these are taken.
Tom Segura
Bunch of Palestinians going, my towel was on that chair.
Joe Rogan
Now you move. Sorry. Taken.
Bert Kreischer
That's perfect casting for you. You have to do it, you broad.
Tom Segura
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm in.
Joe Rogan
Yeah, let's do Sarando Sad. What the hell's going on?
Bert Kreischer
He's around here. That's a good pitch.
Joe Rogan
Hey, thanks for inviting us to the brunch, by the way. Getting fucking iced off.
Tom Segura
Of that.
Kevin Ryan
All right, well, we're not going to go next year.
Tom Segura
Did you guys go to the brunch?
Kevin Ryan
No. I didn't even know.
Tom Segura
You didn't miss anything.
Kevin Ryan
We're so. We're so out of, like, a couple of dickheads. We're so out of touch. We didn't. People are like, you get invited to the brunch? I'm like, where norms. I didn't know what was happening.
Tom Segura
So for those of you who don't know, Ted Sarandos, who owns Netflix or runs Netflix, he has a brunch where just a couple comedians show up, like Eddie Murphy, Jerry Seinfeld, Chris Rock.
Bert Kreischer
It's crazy.
Tom Segura
It was Kevin Hart. It was the craziest thing. And Kevin and Foley are working on an invite for next year.
Joe Rogan
No, but that's a nice way of saying we weren't invited this year. Yeah, throw us under the bus.
Tom Segura
Don't worry, you didn't miss anything. Tom bombed in front of Eddie Murphy.
Ari Shaffir
Yeah.
Kevin Ryan
What happened?
Joe Rogan
Oh, you talking about you buy and sell that guy?
Bert Kreischer
You kidding me?
Tom Segura
First of all, he did a black guy voice to him.
Jelly Roll
Yeah.
Tom Segura
He was like.
Bert Kreischer
I was like. I was like, what's up, my brother? And he was like, hey, man. And then we had a little chat. No. I told him a story.
Joe Rogan
You believe all these crackers around his house?
Bert Kreischer
I was like, man, he's crackhead. I was like, I want some ice cream. He's like, that's my bit. And I was like, oh, no.
Unknown Speaker (possibly a promoter or host)
Shit.
Bert Kreischer
No, I. I was telling him a story about his brother. I had dinner with his brother and I told him the story.
Joe Rogan
Right?
Bert Kreischer
And at the end, this is for look at me. He looks at me and he goes, is that the end of the story?
Kevin Ryan
Oh, my God.
Tom Segura
And by the way, I would have
Joe Rogan
kept going, no, no.
Bert Kreischer
Guess what? Guess what?
Kevin Ryan
I said.
Tom Segura
He kept going.
Bert Kreischer
I did.
Joe Rogan
Yeah.
Bert Kreischer
When he says at the end of the story, I was like, oh, my God. And then I go, no. Because I told him we were at dinner. I go, no, it's not the end. He goes, he looked at me. I go, we kept having dinner.
Kevin Ryan
Tom Psycho came out, then the check came, and we paid the bill.
Joe Rogan
We split it two ways.
Tom Segura
The best is if he ever meets Eddie Murphy, he's going to tell him the same story again.
Kevin Ryan
Double down.
Tom Segura
Hey, did I tell you about this time I had dinner with your. Oh, yeah. Well, I just want to remind you,
Bert Kreischer
that would definitely scare him. By the way.
Kevin Ryan
Is that the first time you met him?
Tom Segura
Yeah.
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. I'd never met him before, did you
Kevin Ryan
have a story queued? Did you like, because, yeah, like when we first. You guys were like super famous when we met you. So we're like, what do we talk to Tom about? What do we talk to Bird about? Did you have that when you saw him? And you're like, I'm gonna hit him with his brother story?
Bert Kreischer
Yes, 100%. I also imagined it going so much better. Yeah.
Joe Rogan
I was blocking Kevin Hart from getting into the store the other night by accident. I Dr. Drop my wristband, like in the little alleyway when they come in, in the back.
Bert Kreischer
That's.
Joe Rogan
And it was like an ice cube. I couldn't pick it up. It was like flat on the ground. And I kept trying to pinch it, grab it, and I couldn't get it. And him and his security guard were
Tom Segura
trying to come through.
Kevin Ryan
The cops were like, what's going on? And I look down and I see Foley reaching on the ground. I'm like, we're jammed the fuck up over here.
Joe Rogan
I dropped a bag. Hang on.
Unknown Speaker (possibly a promoter or host)
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Tom Segura
Are you guys going to the roast?
Joe Rogan
We didn't invite you that either.
Kevin Ryan
Don't get invited to anything.
Joe Rogan
You want me to pull down my pants? You can make fun of my penis too. Kreisler, huh?
Kevin Ryan
We didn't even get invited to this. We had to register online. Like no, I paid 28.99.
Joe Rogan
I'm getting shaken down when I come in. There's no golf cart, nothing like that.
Kevin Ryan
You're right dude, we could not get in. She's like, you're not allowed in.
Joe Rogan
I go, I'm a trial to come get us.
Bert Kreischer
I swear to God, I'm so sorry.
Joe Rogan
Whatever.
Kevin Ryan
People are like, yo, what's up. Kippy and the guys, like, got me pushed up against the fence. I'm like, all right.
Joe Rogan
Not to mention, you show up to the Airbnb when we did the podcast a month ago.
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
Joe Rogan
No fucking croissants.
Bert Kreischer
Fuck, you're right.
Joe Rogan
We're in Austin.
Kevin Ryan
What kind of guest are you?
Joe Rogan
We should have been a fucking helicopter in. No pastry.
Tom Segura
Should have no pastries.
Bert Kreischer
I should have ye.
Tom Segura
Check out Chicho Bomba.
Bert Kreischer
Please go to Chicho Bomba in Austin. We have three locations. Please come out and see us.
Tom Segura
Home run.
Bert Kreischer
It's delicious, man. It's. You'll get so fat. It's so good.
Joe Rogan
I can't wait.
Tom Segura
Yeah.
Ari Shaffir
Here.
Bert Kreischer
Now you're ready.
Joe Rogan
Ready to go. So lay off the zeppelin for a week before I go down there.
Tom Segura
What's in. What's like. So this is where two bears are. We have our 5K. What's the big get for? Are you Garbage? What would be your biggest tent pole? Get the fans out and participate.
Joe Rogan
Are you garbage? Two gram K next year, Tampa, Florida.
Tom Segura
Two grams.
Joe Rogan
Everybody gets two grams. Two free ones.
Tom Segura
Two gram K rest.
Joe Rogan
You got to pay for none of this running bullshit. We'll do some beers, have some hot dogs, some tomato pie from Philly. We'll get some water, ice, couple escorts.
Tom Segura
Couple escorts.
Kevin Ryan
Things are going great over here. Yeah.
Bert Kreischer
Hell, yeah, dude. Garbage.
Joe Rogan
This is fucking amazing, man. This is awesome.
Unknown Speaker (brief interjections)
It really is impressive.
Joe Rogan
We went a different way this year, didn't we? We didn't.
Tom Segura
The route was different.
Joe Rogan
We walked around the golf course, which was nice.
Unknown Speaker (possibly a promoter or host)
Beautiful.
Tom Segura
It was so much better.
Bert Kreischer
And also the shortcut was so much better.
Joe Rogan
I didn't do that little thing you
Kevin Ryan
just told me you did. I was like, you took the shortcut at the end. He goes, now I finished the whole thing.
Joe Rogan
I said I was being fully honest.
Tom Segura
Is that what you call it?
Joe Rogan
No.
Kevin Ryan
Yeah. We coined it this week. He. He's not lying, but he's never told the truth. Hey, done.
Tom Segura
Hold on.
Kevin Ryan
I think I know.
Tom Segura
I understand exactly what's going on.
Kevin Ryan
Yeah.
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
Tom Segura
He's.
Joe Rogan
You and you. Where did we.
Kevin Ryan
Yeah, yeah.
Tom Segura
You're telling it the story. It's like, yeah, I didn't really drink last night, but I had a couple drinks.
Joe Rogan
Yes.
Tom Segura
But I didn't drink.
Joe Rogan
Yes.
Bert Kreischer
Right? Yeah.
Joe Rogan
I always say.
Kevin Ryan
I mean, dude, the other day, Burke goes, you know, so it's you two. And then me and Tom, like, who's who? Out of the. Me and Tom. And I'm like, are you kidding me, dude?
Joe Rogan
I had chopstick in my nose at the time. This was awesome.
Bert Kreischer
This was great.
Joe Rogan
Yeah. This is amazing.
Unknown Speaker (possibly a promoter or host)
You should do more.
Joe Rogan
The turkey vultures that were following me around the course was real fun, too.
Kevin Ryan
You really dress for the occasion, too.
Joe Rogan
I was trying to wear something slimming.
Kevin Ryan
You're just like a mobster. And the witness reprotected them.
Joe Rogan
I can't. I can't show my. I got varicose veins. I can't show my legs.
Bert Kreischer
People love that shit.
Tom Segura
No.
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
Joe Rogan
They'll pay for onlyfans for that kind of stuff.
Tom Segura
Yes.
Joe Rogan
Yeah.
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
Joe Rogan
I should start showing my butthole on only fans. No face, little dick, big butt.
Bert Kreischer
Is the hole big?
Joe Rogan
The holes bad.
Bert Kreischer
Really?
Joe Rogan
If you stare at my asshole long enough, you'll see how you're going to die.
Kevin Ryan
And hey, spoiler, it's by his asshole.
Bert Kreischer
Would you take a massive shit after this?
Joe Rogan
No. No. You said. You said you wouldn't let me poop in your upstairs bathroom.
Bert Kreischer
You can definitely poop there.
Joe Rogan
Would you let me poop in your master bathroom?
Bert Kreischer
100?
Joe Rogan
Yeah. Thank you.
Ari Shaffir
Yeah, yeah.
Tom Segura
And we got the spray thing, the anal spray. Oh, you.
Joe Rogan
That you put.
Tom Segura
No, you put in the sucking thing, the Asian thing.
Joe Rogan
You put it in the toilet.
Tom Segura
Yeah, we put it in the toilet so it sticks its little head out and then sprays your asshole.
Joe Rogan
You say anal spray to me.
Tom Segura
That go.
Joe Rogan
And that's going in the asshole.
Tom Segura
Oh, yeah.
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
Tom Segura
Oh. Sometimes I let it break the O ring and go into me to loosen shit up. And then I shit that out.
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. Sometimes you get a surprise second shit
Unknown Speaker (possibly a promoter or host)
when you use that.
Bert Kreischer
It's pretty exciting.
Tom Segura
If you can just suck in.
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
Tom Segura
When the water hits your asshole. Yeah. You get a little bit of a flush.
Joe Rogan
You get a bonus potpourri enemas.
Tom Segura
Oh, yeah.
Joe Rogan
Might want to consult a physician before doing that. Oh, it can't be good for you.
Unknown Speaker (brief interjections)
No.
Tom Segura
The first time I ever had one of those, I was in Asia. I was in Japan, and it turned me on so much, I jerked off.
Joe Rogan
Oh, what, a colonic?
Tom Segura
No, no, no. The bidet.
Bert Kreischer
Oh.
Tom Segura
I was like, all right, I gotta try jerking off.
Bert Kreischer
They're the greatest.
Tom Segura
Yeah.
Joe Rogan
Whenever I do a colonic, I always get hard.
Bert Kreischer
Do you really?
Joe Rogan
Yeah. Is that weird? Okay.
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
Joe Rogan
Thought we were in la.
Bert Kreischer
How much did you love the way you feel after a colonic?
Joe Rogan
Oh, man, it's the best. That's the one thing I like with the zepbound is I overeat. I get real sick. I get massive diarrhea and throw up and I feel fantastic.
Tom Segura
Me, too.
Joe Rogan
It's the best.
Unknown Speaker (possibly a promoter or host)
That's wildest.
Joe Rogan
I'm ready for the weekend.
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
Tom Segura
A little pasta right before bed, and all of a sudden, you're up, throwing up in the middle of the night. And you're not drunk and you're not sick, you're just throwing up.
Joe Rogan
Just healthy.
Tom Segura
Just healthy.
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
Tom Segura
Healthy, Healthy. Throwing up.
Joe Rogan
I hear a storm in my stomach.
Bert Kreischer
Really?
Joe Rogan
Like, it sounds like, you know, like,
Bert Kreischer
thunder coming off and it comes out of both ends.
Joe Rogan
Oh, it's great.
Bert Kreischer
Wow.
Joe Rogan
And sometimes, if we have something the next day, like, if we have a big guest coming in and I. And it happens, I'll make myself throw up in the morning so I don't have Ozempic burps while we're doing the podcast.
Unknown Speaker (possibly a promoter or host)
That's thoughtful.
Kevin Ryan
He's a good team player.
Bert Kreischer
That's a real thoughtful thing to do. Yeah.
Kevin Ryan
And he'll throw it in our face afterwards. I fucking puked this morning for this.
Tom Segura
Is that Jelly's phone or your phone? That's Jelly's.
Joe Rogan
That's mine.
Tom Segura
Is Jelly's over there?
Kevin Ryan
Okay.
Unknown Speaker (brief interjections)
All right.
Joe Rogan
You got it.
Bert Kreischer
No good? No.
Tom Segura
If Jelly gets another phone, I'm gonna die.
Joe Rogan
If we find him.
Tom Segura
This is, like, the 10th phone number he's had.
Bert Kreischer
Really?
Tom Segura
Yeah.
Bert Kreischer
That's always fun, though, when you pick who you're gonna give the new number to. That's a fun.
Kevin Ryan
I was shocked. I made. I made your cut.
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, of course. What are you talking about?
Kevin Ryan
I don't know.
Joe Rogan
You got a new number.
Kevin Ryan
You're scary sometimes.
Joe Rogan
What? Your new number.
Bert Kreischer
No, like when I got. Say, anytime you get a new number, you get to go through your phone book and decide who in your phone book gets the new number.
Tom Segura
Huh.
Bert Kreischer
You've never done this.
Joe Rogan
It's funny you mentioned that. I'm in a weird spot right now. My old phone got wet, like, four days ago.
Bert Kreischer
This feels like fully honest. From the jump.
Joe Rogan
No, this. 100%.
Bert Kreischer
Okay.
Joe Rogan
This is full. This is fully honest. This is fully honest.
Bert Kreischer
Okay.
Joe Rogan
I'll tell you fully honest in a second. But my phone got wet. I don't know. My Apple id. I had to get a new phone because I couldn't talk to anybody. I don't have any Uber or anything like that. No Venmo, no Seamless, nothing like that. Fucking Apple shut my whole infrastructure down. It was like a fucking Iranian radar system, just gone.
Bert Kreischer
Okay?
Joe Rogan
So I had to get this. And I don't know anybody's number now. So I'm like, who's this? Who's this?
Bert Kreischer
Oh, you don't have Any of it in?
Joe Rogan
Yeah.
Bert Kreischer
Oh, yeah.
Joe Rogan
I got to get my Venmo back up because I owe some people money.
Bert Kreischer
Oh, shit.
Joe Rogan
It ain't the Boy Scouts. So he loses.
Kevin Ryan
His phone's off, so now he's got to operate. You're operating off a laptop?
Joe Rogan
I believe I got a laptop. I just got a laptop.
Bert Kreischer
This feels like an episode of the show. This is like some real garbage shit.
Kevin Ryan
It's insane. He just. Dude, we're in midtown. He's like. He leaves without a phone. He goes, I'm going to. We make him an appointment at the Apple Store because he doesn't have any Internet connection. And then he just walks in. The man, he just leaves the studio. I go, we might never see him again.
Joe Rogan
It was me in the city. I felt like Midnight Cowboy walking around.
Kevin Ryan
Fourteen hours later, we get an email. Me and our producer. Dear dudes, I got a new phone, but I didn't remember my Apple id. I'm in the process of getting it so I can restore all my old apps and stuff like that, but. Right. This is all one sentence. But right now I'm flying blind, so I can't take calls and texts and I don't know anybody's number and I don't have access to any of my apps. I had to take a cab to get back to the apartment. This has been the worst night of my life, bro. If you need me, I'll call. You'll need to call or text me if you're both. I hope you're both doing well and I love you both. Hopefully to talk to you soon. And this is all behind us. Henry, this is a sentence. There's no punctuation.
Joe Rogan
Apartment is a studio in Hell's Kitchen on 49th at night.
Unknown Speaker (possibly a promoter or host)
9th.
Kevin Ryan
Why are you giving the address?
Tom Segura
I like that.
Joe Rogan
So the broads know to come by. Walked out on me. Penthouse apartment Historia Queens. I'm living in a one bedroom cold flat in 49th street and I was kitchen.
Bert Kreischer
This is unbelievable.
Kevin Ryan
Yeah, not all this is public. You're really choosing a place.
Tom Segura
This is a reality show.
Bert Kreischer
This is insane.
Tom Segura
I would. I don't know how Netflix doesn't follow this.
Kevin Ryan
We're to be guys anyway.
Tom Segura
Yeah, you're to be guys.
Kevin Ryan
Yeah.
Joe Rogan
I tell you what. You know, the world's coming to an end when we. When. When they up to fully.
Ari Shaffir
Are you close?
Bert Kreischer
Are you to figuring out your Apple id?
Joe Rogan
I just. I just got it figured out.
Bert Kreischer
You did?
Joe Rogan
Yeah, I got it this morning. It's a new. It's a new.
Kevin Ryan
New.
Joe Rogan
New code I can't give it out now.
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, personally, but something that you remembered when you saw it?
Joe Rogan
No, no, I change it all the time because I'll download some shady app that requires to log in, and then I'll forget what it is, you know?
Tom Segura
No, I go. So I started with a good password, and now I've gotten so aggressive so that I won't forget it.
Kevin Ryan
What is it?
Tom Segura
The best one. I gave Isla my Apple watch, and the password was cunt.cunt323. And so the teacher takes the Apple watch from her, and the alarm starts going off and says to Ila, what's the password? Nada. Goes, I can't tell you, but I can put it in. She goes, tell me the password. And I goes, rather not. She's in grade school at the time. And the teacher goes, just tell me the password. And it goes, capital C, lowercase C, three, two, three. And the lady was like, just type it in.
Joe Rogan
That's awesome.
Kevin Ryan
I had a woman I worked with, I needed her email. I needed her password for, like, this. My last day job was for, like, a soft was software. And I'm like, hey, just give me your login. I need to log in. She's like, I don't want to do it. Same thing. I'm like, just give it to nice buttoned up lady. I'm like, what is it? Just give it to me. And she's like, she wrote it down and slid it on a piece of paper to me, and it was slut 69. And the S was a dollar sign because you had to have a thing.
Joe Rogan
Wow.
Kevin Ryan
And I was like, all right. It's between me and you.
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
Tom Segura
I had an email address. I still have it. You can hit me up if you want. And Leanne. I was on Leanne's computer, and I was on my Gmail, and she sent a Gmail accidentally from my account to the girl Scouts. To the head of the girl Scouts. And the lady replied, I think you sent this from the wrong email account. My email account was romeohorsecockmail.com Leanne was like, the fuck would you have that up for? I was like, I was checking my Gmail, bro.
Bert Kreischer
You realize that story is true and so is that you are in the Epstein files. Isn't that crazy?
Tom Segura
You are. Yeah.
Joe Rogan
My man. Up top.
Tom Segura
I know.
Joe Rogan
That's Hollywood right there.
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
Tom Segura
Yeah.
Bert Kreischer
They were like. They were like, friends. They were friends.
Joe Rogan
Is that true?
Bert Kreischer
Florida. You know, it was like a Florida thing. Golf. And his buddies, like, they were just. They would, like, hang out he actually was friends with him, but he said, you know, he's like. He said that Jeff, J, J, E, whatever he calls him, he's like. He is kind of a dick. So he did say that he's not cool, but he was friends.
Tom Segura
He was weird.
Joe Rogan
An egg shaped dick, from what I've heard.
Tom Segura
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He got. He got handsy, whatever. Really jeppy. Yeah. Do you see his suicide note? Did you see a suicide note? They just released it.
Bert Kreischer
What's it say?
Kevin Ryan
I killed myself. I swear.
Tom Segura
Did anyone see a suicide note? Hillary did not do this. Bill was not on that plane. Shout out. Check out Free Bert streaming right now. And that's it.
Bert Kreischer
That's in a suicide note.
Joe Rogan
That's pretty good. Because it was so.
Tom Segura
So it was just an idea at the time that I bounced off him on a plane. I was like, man, if we ever go to jail, Free Jeff, Free Burt. And he goes, that's a good name. I was like, yeah, dude. Yeah, Jeff. Jeff was weird, but Jeff loved food, right?
Bert Kreischer
He was a big foodie.
Tom Segura
He was a big foodie.
Ari Shaffir
Yeah.
Tom Segura
That's cool. Yeah.
Unknown Speaker (possibly a promoter or host)
What did he.
Bert Kreischer
What's like his favorite thing?
Kevin Ryan
Baby carrots.
Tom Segura
He liked veal. Veal. Baby carrots.
Bert Kreischer
That's cool.
Tom Segura
The baby carrots is better.
Bert Kreischer
That's awesome, man.
Tom Segura
I'm not in the Epstein files, everybody.
Kevin Ryan
Did you go to the funeral?
Tom Segura
No, I was in his email because he was a big fan of comedy.
Bert Kreischer
Okay, that sounds.
Unknown Speaker (possibly a promoter or host)
That's a birdism.
Bert Kreischer
I'm not in the files, but, you know.
Kevin Ryan
Yeah, that's the bird truth.
Joe Rogan
That's fully honest.
Bert Kreischer
That's fully honest. Yeah.
Tom Segura
Yeah.
Joe Rogan
That's cool.
Tom Segura
Yeah.
Kevin Ryan
What did he say about you? Why were you in there?
Jelly Roll
Stop.
Kevin Ryan
You brought it up, dude.
Tom Segura
This is what.
Joe Rogan
Good job, good guy.
Tom Segura
Blowjob Tom deflects his own drama. No, Me and Garth Brooks, when I meet him, I'm just gonna give him a hug and go. I know.
Kevin Ryan
And slide.
Joe Rogan
By the way, it wouldn't be him in the files. It would be you.
Tom Segura
You.
Joe Rogan
You're the quiet one, right?
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, you're the creep. But he is in it. In his defense, it's 30 pages. It's not like a lot of stuff. And is. There's photos of them at the beach and just throwing the ball. They're not doing something weird, just so you know.
Joe Rogan
See, I could see you and Stephen Hawking jerking off on a cookie together or something weird like that.
Tom Segura
Hey, Lorna Dune.
Joe Rogan
Fuck Lorna Dunes.
Tom Segura
Who wants to play sloppy biscuits? Steven, Isn't that crazy?
Bert Kreischer
That. That's where he went.
Joe Rogan
Hawkins.
Kevin Ryan
What are you.
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, you realize that he was just sick of the life yet. And then he was like, all right, if there's a creep island, who cares?
Kevin Ryan
It's like I gotta do cruise around the mall. Like, what the.
Bert Kreischer
That's where you go.
Tom Segura
Wait, Stephen Hawkins was it went to Epstein's Island?
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
Tom Segura
They had ramps. Yes, yes.
Joe Rogan
He was super dental office.
Tom Segura
Jesus.
Bert Kreischer
I'm so glad you brought that up. So many people talk about Epstein that way and nobody talks about how thoughtful it was to have rain.
Joe Rogan
How accessible. Yeah, accessible.
Bert Kreischer
He was like, thinking about the less fortunate.
Joe Rogan
I heard OSHA went in there and was like, pretty good.
Bert Kreischer
Pretty good.
Ari Shaffir
Pretty good.
Tom Segura
Yeah.
Joe Rogan
Guys don't know osha. Check it out.
Tom Segura
Should we bring Ari up?
Ari Shaffir
Yes.
Tom Segura
You guys want to stick around for Ari?
Joe Rogan
Not really.
Kevin Ryan
Not really. Not a fan of that guy.
Unknown Speaker (possibly a promoter or host)
Where is Ari?
Kevin Ryan
Ari Shaffer? Right here.
Bert Kreischer
Arie Schaefers.
Joe Rogan
Hey, there he is. Boys, we love you so much.
Kevin Ryan
We love you guys.
Joe Rogan
Thank you, guys.
Tom Segura
We love you.
Joe Rogan
Great job today.
Bert Kreischer
Everybody take a seat. See you, brother.
Unknown Speaker (possibly a promoter or host)
Hey, I love you, man.
Bert Kreischer
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. You want the right, let him hear it.
Joe Rogan
You want this one?
Ari Shaffir
Why is that one better?
Joe Rogan
I got it all nice and herped up for you.
Bert Kreischer
There you go. The yoga man is here.
Tom Segura
Doing yoga at the Two Bears. 5K for us at 9 o' clock this morning, back from his world tour where he did not do stand up, just saw the world. Ari Shaffir.
Ari Shaffir
Thank you. What do you think about that? Bert taking time off?
Unknown Speaker (brief interjections)
Nope. Nope.
Ari Shaffir
All right.
Tom Segura
We're going to be dead one day.
Ari Shaffir
Yeah. I can fill up a minor league high school waiting room. And Bert worked hard and look what he's done.
Unknown Speaker (brief interjections)
Yep.
Tom Segura
What?
Bert Kreischer
No, no, nothing.
Tom Segura
I don't think they recognize you with the beard.
Ari Shaffir
Oh, maybe not.
Tom Segura
How long is this beard gonna last?
Ari Shaffir
I think I try to take it to a year.
Tom Segura
Are you serious?
Ari Shaffir
Is July full shave in July and then I don't know.
Bert Kreischer
Wait, did you run today?
Ari Shaffir
What?
Bert Kreischer
Did you run?
Ari Shaffir
I'm sorry, the mic's off. What'd you say? No, I taught a yoga class and then I don't know. And then I was already heat stroked. Yeah, I went out there and I'm like, it's brutal.
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, you ran last time.
Ari Shaffir
I did. No, I walked last time. I was going to run with Brian Simpson and he said, hold on, my shin hurts. Can we walk for five minutes? I was like, yeah, sure. And he goes, I mean, you can go ahead. I'm like, no, it Was a five minute break. I'll do it with you. And then we ran for another 30 seconds, and then he goes, I gotta take another break. You can go ahead. And I was like, fuck it, Fat Brian. I was like, dude, I'll just walk with you. And he was like, okay. It was a lovely stroll.
Bert Kreischer
Nice stroll with Brian, who walked the 5K.
Ari Shaffir
You're the real winners. You're the real winners.
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
Tom Segura
Yeah. You are the real winners. Was. So how much money did you make on this is the end?
Ari Shaffir
I'll tell you. My fucking money.
Joe DeRosa
A lot.
Ari Shaffir
Thank you for supporting it. Who bought it so far? Hell yeah. You're all heroes.
Bert Kreischer
Thank you guys for doing that.
Ari Shaffir
More than those cowards went to Vietnam. You're the real heroes.
Tom Segura
I have one group of Vietnamese people here.
Ari Shaffir
Well, they were on the wrong side,
Tom Segura
so it did well. Congratulations.
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, thanks.
Tom Segura
And you can get it at ymh.com ymhstudios.com Very bad things coming out soon. This is the end with Ari shafir. All on ymh.com.
Bert Kreischer
thank you, Bert, for that plug.
Ari Shaffir
Dude, I saw you with Shaq last night. You've never looked thinner than that in your life.
Tom Segura
Yeah, yeah.
Bert Kreischer
Or wider.
Ari Shaffir
He. Tiny.
Tom Segura
Shaq is such a massive dude. Dude. Shaq's life is. He is so patient with everyone.
Ari Shaffir
Can I tell you a story? I'll wait till you're done.
Tom Segura
Kobe.
Ari Shaffir
I'll wait to. Yeah, Kobe. Ran him out.
Tom Segura
Yeah, go ahead.
Ari Shaffir
Brett Ernst told me this. He was at a restaurant, and there was a child's party in the side room, and they saw Shaq there at the bar eating. And he goes, hey, Shaq, can you come say hi to the kids? It would make their day. And he goes, man, I'm eating right now. Give me a minute. I'll come over afterwards. And the guy's like, we really would make their day. He goes, yeah, all right. Give me a minute. Finished, then went over with those kids, picked them all up, started playing with them for an hour and a half, fucked around with those kids, played the entire tab and got out.
Tom Segura
Really?
Ari Shaffir
Yeah.
Bert Kreischer
Damn.
Ari Shaffir
I would never have done that.
Bert Kreischer
Never.
Tom Segura
They would have left and gone. Ari said, you're gonna pick up his tab.
Ari Shaffir
I would pick off their leftovers. I'm like, these kids don't eat enough.
Tom Segura
It was crazy. The amount of people that walked into the green room to me, oh, I got to fucking tell you.
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. Oh, okay.
Tom Segura
About how many people showed up just to come in to meet Shaq and get a picture with Shaq and And Shaq was so patient. All he really. You know, like, his only thing he wanted on his rider was lotion for his hands. The easiest. And by the way, flew in private to do the show. Flew out private, like, just the most.
Ari Shaffir
So this guy can fly private, but he can't afford hand lotion.
Tom Segura
He didn't have it with him. Lunel showed up with hand lotion. Lunel crushed. Lunel crushed. Dude destroyed. Sam Morrell murdered. Matt Rife. I mean, every big J. Everyone fucking killed on that goddamn show.
Bert Kreischer
That's fucking awesome. Yeah. You did it with Shaq. Isn't that weird that you're friends with Shaq?
Tom Segura
It is bizarre. It is bizarre. Yeah. It is bizarre.
Bert Kreischer
It's weird, right?
Tom Segura
Yeah. I think any being friends with any celebrity. I remember one time I was saying to Rogan, I was like. I was like, like, it's so nice now that AI can reply to your text, and I don't have to stress about replying to celebrities. And he goes, what celebrities do? You know? And I go, I don't know. It's just a couple. And then I realized I'm talking to one of the most famous people in the world.
Ari Shaffir
Yeah.
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
Tom Segura
And he's like, do you use that for me? And I was like, oh, yeah.
Ari Shaffir
Sometimes it is fun to talk, like, to realize your friends are huge. Just in a moment, like, me and Destefano went to the A game, and they were walking up because he gets, like, good seats, and everyone. I was like, wait, did you get famous? Yeah, like, yeah.
Tom Segura
Hella, yeah.
Bert Kreischer
Joe's. Joe's too famous. Crazy famous.
Ari Shaffir
I don't walk too close to Joe because snipers sometimes miss.
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. So nuts.
Ari Shaffir
I walk five. I let. Oh, you want to stand next to him? You stand next to him. I'll stand up some indoors.
Bert Kreischer
You don't want that level.
Tom Segura
Oh, you know what's so funny is, do you remember when Joe was like. Like, I want to get less famous.
Bert Kreischer
Yes.
Tom Segura
And he just got a hundred times.
Ari Shaffir
He was, like, mid Fear Factor saying that.
Tom Segura
No one calls him the Fear Factor guy anymore.
Ari Shaffir
No one calls him the Fear Factor guy anymore.
Bert Kreischer
You're right. Now they call him the how dare you have that person on your show guy.
Ari Shaffir
That's a good nickname. That's a good Native American nickname. Joe, how dare you have that person
Tom Segura
on your shows Speaks with presidents.
Ari Shaffir
Yeah.
Bert Kreischer
That's crazy, though. No, it's fun to see you guys get recognized, though. I like it. I like being out with you. I like seeing you get recognized.
Tom Segura
What are you talking About. You get recognized all the time.
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, but it's fun to see other people.
Tom Segura
Yeah, it's fun.
Bert Kreischer
It's fun.
Tom Segura
I saw. I was at lunch with Joe one time, and this child wanted to say hi to him.
Unknown Speaker (brief interjections)
Like, 13 years old.
Tom Segura
No. A child.
Ari Shaffir
Okay.
Tom Segura
And his security was like, no, no. And then I just. I was behind and I went, yeah, come on in. Because I thought maybe he wanted to say hi to me. The best is we were having dinner one time with the wildest table of people, like Taylor Sheridan, me, Joe, David Goggins. Our wife and a fan snuck in to say hi to me and didn't realize the table that was there.
Ari Shaffir
That feels good.
Tom Segura
And he was like, dude, Bert, I'm just. And then he went, holy fuck.
Ari Shaffir
And then he looked.
Tom Segura
And then Joe goes, how the fuck did he get in here? And they were like, he wanted to see Burt.
Ari Shaffir
Yeah.
Tom Segura
Yeah.
Ari Shaffir
That's funny.
Tom Segura
Yeah.
Ari Shaffir
Hey, let me ask you guys a question. Remember when we did this is not happening?
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, of course.
Ari Shaffir
Those are fucking great.
Tom Segura
Yeah.
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. That was the best.
Ari Shaffir
You guys remember their stories on this not happening? Flying dildos. That was one of the best. That was not even my favorite of yours.
Tom Segura
Tracy Morgan's the best.
Ari Shaffir
Tracy Morgan will never be spoken of.
Tom Segura
Wait, which is. Which was the story? I told you that one.
Ari Shaffir
And fighting a bear.
Tom Segura
Fighting a bear was. Yeah, fighting a bear. That was like. That was a big bump. I think I was a bump, right?
Kevin Ryan
Big bump.
Ari Shaffir
It was still a bump from one thing.
Tom Segura
That was when the Internet was kind and, like, you'd do a story and they'd be like, God, can you believe that came out? How cool. And now you go on the Internet, and they're like, enough. This guy's a fucking narcissist. They're like. And by the way, my therapist says you can be a good narcissist.
Bert Kreischer
Sure. Yeah. You're a sweet one.
Tom Segura
Yeah. Narcissism creates shit like this. Like, narcissism's not bad.
Ari Shaffir
Narcissism, spite, all good driving forces.
Tom Segura
Spite's great, by the way. So this is what my therapist said. A nars, Like, I only do shit if it affects me. Right? Like, I only care about how I feel at the end of the day. Like, I don't cheat on my wife because I can't live without her.
Bert Kreischer
Right?
Tom Segura
But I don't think about her feelings. But I know that I'd be fucked up if I didn't have her.
Bert Kreischer
Right?
Ari Shaffir
This is the most honest I've ever heard anyone say.
Tom Segura
No, that's the truth, you know?
Ari Shaffir
Yeah.
Tom Segura
I don't talk shit about Tom. Not because I don't want to. I want to, but he doesn't do shit. We're talking shit about.
Bert Kreischer
There we go.
Ari Shaffir
There it is. There it is. He's low level.
Bert Kreischer
That was.
Unknown Speaker (possibly a promoter or host)
That was painful.
Ari Shaffir
What do you think, Tom? Fat or skinny? What do you prefer? Take away the living longer.
Tom Segura
There's two very different Toms.
Ari Shaffir
Okay.
Tom Segura
Like, Tom fat was broke.
Ari Shaffir
There he is now. There's Tom fat right now. Look at his trouble sitting.
Tom Segura
Tom. Tom fat was. Didn't know he had money yet. That was a fun Tom. Like when he was like, I could buy like four iPhone chargers. I don't have to have just one across the room.
Bert Kreischer
That was a fun discovery.
Tom Segura
Yeah.
Bert Kreischer
And it was a fun purchase.
Tom Segura
And like. And like, he didn't know how to make dinner yet, so he'd buy. He'd make a plate with like nine things on it. Because he was like, I can buy all these vegetables.
Bert Kreischer
Vegetables. That's how we know it's made up.
Tom Segura
And now he's got a chef who prepares a meal.
Bert Kreischer
No, but this chef.
Ari Shaffir
Yeah, go ahead.
Tom Segura
What do you prefer?
Bert Kreischer
Do you prefer 325 pound bird or 280 pound bird?
Tom Segura
Yeah.
Bert Kreischer
Which one do you like more?
Ari Shaffir
I mean, we're taking apart living longer, right? I. I mean, the 325 pounder of literally just three months ago.
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. It's kind of got a Tiger woods fun vibe kind of guy.
Ari Shaffir
Yeah, it was fun vibe where you're like, he anything. He can't on you too much because you're like, remember how you're gonna die in a week?
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. And then he'd be like, all right, knock it all off. And then, yeah, here comes 345 pound bird.
Tom Segura
It's hard.
Ari Shaffir
It was fun. Also, the menu guys. I don't think you've ever been with somebody who says, one of each, please.
Bert Kreischer
That's not an exaggeration.
Tom Segura
It's not an exaggeration.
Ari Shaffir
What a joy.
Bert Kreischer
It was fucking massive eating.
Ari Shaffir
And then you're like, sick. One of each for everybody. He goes, I mean, get what you want. Order something.
Tom Segura
Fat Tom was broke, so he'd go through phases. Like, he went through a pecan pie phase.
Ari Shaffir
That's crazy. To go through a specific flavor of pie phase.
Bert Kreischer
Well, it was his wife's grandmother's recipe, and I had it at their house. And I was like, this is fucking unbelievable. She goes, I gave y'. All, I'll give you the recipe if you want that. And I was like, Yeah, I would love that. And then it was like a challenge. I'm gonna make this pie from scratch. And I made it, and I was like, it's amazing. I should make seven more, you know?
Tom Segura
Well, if you're making one pecan pie, you might as well make two. And if you're making two, fuck it, make four. Yeah.
Ari Shaffir
Freezer's empty.
Tom Segura
And now Tom's got a fucking. A kitchen full of pecan pie.
Bert Kreischer
It was £30 in a month.
Ari Shaffir
Tom fat was such a piece of disgusting. He was more gross than you were. Oh, yeah, your belly's pushed out. Tom was a sag. Tom looked like he had the lipo surgery, but, like, from 500 to 300, I see old videos of you on this app and other stuff, and it's like, gross. I had trouble breathing, swallowing, just basic human stuff. His body was like, we're giving up, up.
Tom Segura
He would travel with hot sauce. Yeah, he would have hot sauce with him at all times.
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, that was true. Very fat. Lots of diarrhea, too.
Ari Shaffir
A lot, I bet.
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
Tom Segura
A lot of talking about. You were a different guy. You would talk about making brown all the time.
Bert Kreischer
Well, it was a big part of my life. I would wake up and be like, oh, my God. And then I would do something and my body would say, this needs to happen again.
Tom Segura
I remember it was comical when he started fat shaming me because he was so fat, that it was a joke.
Bert Kreischer
And then I wouldn't say it was a joke.
Ari Shaffir
You were both should have felt a lot of shame, right? Yeah. Hey, can I apologize for a second?
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, dude.
Ari Shaffir
You let him finish and then you talked. That was great.
Tom Segura
What are you talking about?
Ari Shaffir
Yeah, he finished his thought and then you broke in. It was like, give do or do is do. Yeah, it was solid.
Tom Segura
Yeah. Well, we're done with that. Go ahead.
Bert Kreischer
How does it feel to see your sweet Israeli friend?
Ari Shaffir
I missed you so much when I was traveling. I missed both you guys.
Tom Segura
Yeah, I texted him and tried calling him a bunch.
Ari Shaffir
My number was done.
Tom Segura
I know. Oh, yeah, I know.
Ari Shaffir
You called me right before I left,
Tom Segura
and then one day it just disappeared. Your number disappeared and I went, oh, fuck. Did I get blocked?
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
Tom Segura
And then I was like, I wonder if I did something, and then look
Ari Shaffir
up two texts saying, I'm about to delete this number. But your nub fingers back then couldn't scroll.
Bert Kreischer
It probably was your sausage digits.
Tom Segura
Yeah.
Bert Kreischer
Yeah.
Ari Shaffir
Well, you thought I was ignoring you.
Tom Segura
I was like, I wonder what's going on. Then I was like, whatever.
Ari Shaffir
That's Sad.
Tom Segura
I know. I was like. I was like, I don't know what I did, but then I was like,
Ari Shaffir
do you guys hate. I do this. Hate themselves. Hate yourself so much that when somebody doesn't text you back, like, well, I guess he's just cutting me out. I'll just. All right, fine.
Bert Kreischer
Thousand percent. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ari Shaffir
I got.
Tom Segura
I got it.
Ari Shaffir
They go, sorry, I was camping. What's up? And you're like, no, you're back in my life.
Tom Segura
Joe Derosa just showed up.
Bert Kreischer
Everybody seeing everybody.
Tom Segura
Joe Derosa, come on up here. Well, you look great for the 5k. You ran it clean with no socks.
Unknown Speaker (possibly a promoter or host)
Wild.
Bert Kreischer
What was your time?
Tom Segura
Got my mic right here.
Bert Kreischer
Joe, what was your time?
Joe DeRosa
Joe, what was my time in the five?
Unknown Speaker (possibly a promoter or host)
Yeah.
Joe DeRosa
Wasn't it 24 in 11 minutes?
Ari Shaffir
Wow, 11 minutes.
Bert Kreischer
That's a new record.
Joe DeRosa
Yeah.
Bert Kreischer
Rosa has the new record. Give it up for him, everybody.
Tom Segura
That's pretty amazing, ladies and gentlemen.
Unknown Speaker (possibly a promoter or host)
Good job.
Joe DeRosa
It's good to see all of you. It's good to see you three. What's going on? I could hear you. I could hear you from all the way over there.
Ari Shaffir
Yeah, so can Palestine. We're coming.
Bert Kreischer
Huh? How horrible.
Tom Segura
We're trying to.
Bert Kreischer
How horrible was the moment where you were like. That's Ari's voice.
Ari Shaffir
Oh, yeah.
Joe DeRosa
Immediate.
Bert Kreischer
It's immediate, right?
Ari Shaffir
Yeah.
Joe DeRosa
Immediately cuts through everything.
Tom Segura
I don't know.
Joe DeRosa
It's weird. It's very weird. I could hear you guys talking, but I couldn't. I just sounded like voices. Yeah, but Ari's thick Jew voice just really cut through the air.
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, Just. It's always been like that. It's.
Tom Segura
It's just punishing.
Bert Kreischer
It just says, like, Jew. That's what it feels like.
Ari Shaffir
It's like a slow motion.
Joe DeRosa
A deep baritone Jew.
Tom Segura
It's just like a. You can almost like. Every time I hear Ari talk, I. I hear. I see this. Yes. Yeah. Such a powerful stance on stage. It's good to not move and do this for an hour and a half. People can change the weather.
Ari Shaffir
I'm not enjoying. I'm not enjoying any of this.
Tom Segura
You have.
Joe DeRosa
You have woman shelter posture on stage. That's like, what happened to you just now, right?
Ari Shaffir
I don't want to talk about it.
Bert Kreischer
You stand like an abused lady.
Ari Shaffir
You ever have somebody go to, like, touch their ear and you go like that? Nothing. Joe, you're the biggest pig in comedy. What have you done this week so far?
Joe DeRosa
What shows?
Ari Shaffir
No pig shit.
Tom Segura
Just booze.
Joe DeRosa
Like, a lot of drinking. Yeah, a lot of drinking. Every night.
Ari Shaffir
I went from here, from Austin with you to here. And my body is shutting down.
Joe DeRosa
Yeah, I know. Austin was a hard. That was a hard run because you were in town and we were drinking every night. And then Tom. I saw Tom the first night, and he goes, you gotta come to the 5k thing on Saturday.
Bert Kreischer
I was like, yeah, that's right.
Joe DeRosa
Wait, what time is that at? He's like, like, you can get there at like 11. And I was like, yeah.
Bert Kreischer
He was like, no.
Ari Shaffir
Doros is like, well, I have shows at 11. And he's like, no, AM. There's an AM he's like, come on.
Bert Kreischer
He goes, but doesn't that mean I gotta leave by like 10? I'm like, yeah, you can do that.
Tom Segura
But I go, the problem is, Tom,
Joe DeRosa
is I have my own show Friday night and I'm gonna kind of turn it up after. And he goes, what time's your show? I go, seven. And he goes, so you think you. You get done at 8:30, you're gonna drink so much you wouldn't be able to wake up up at 10am on Saturday. And I was like, yeah, yeah, that is kind of how it goes.
Bert Kreischer
How deep did you go?
Joe DeRosa
Actually kind of a light night. It was because I knew I wanted to at least get over here before
Tom Segura
close for the easy part.
Bert Kreischer
Did you naturally wake up or set the alarm?
Joe DeRosa
I naturally woke up at what?
Bert Kreischer
Around what time?
Joe DeRosa
I usually naturally wake up every day at like, at the latest, 9 or 9:30. Because my anxiety.
Tom Segura
Yeah, it's wrong.
Joe Rogan
Yes.
Joe DeRosa
I've pissed the bed. I have to get up, change sheets.
Tom Segura
You look fantastic.
Bert Kreischer
You do look great.
Tom Segura
You don't look like you were up late last night, buddy.
Joe DeRosa
I'm shooting testosterone. Like it's fucking.
Bert Kreischer
It's the best, isn't it?
Ari Shaffir
You.
Joe DeRosa
You.
Tom Segura
You got me on it, dude. Testosterone is better than having a big dick. It is nice.
Joe DeRosa
It is the best.
Tom Segura
Yeah, you got me on it.
Joe DeRosa
You don't remember this, Bert Kreischer? You were. You were directing or producing Shane Taurus's special in Brooklyn.
Tom Segura
Yeah.
Joe DeRosa
And I came out to hang out and we were standing at the bar, and I go, bert, I don't know what to do. And you go, what do you mean? And I go, my doctor said I have to slow down drinking, but I don't want to stop drinking at all. And you go to your assistant, you go, get him the cocktail. Get him on it right now. And the guy texted me immediately. And a week later, I was shooting testosterone.
Tom Segura
Testosterone is reparative to your liver.
Ari Shaffir
They couldn't sell Derosa on doing it until they called it a cocktail.
Bert Kreischer
Oh, Ari.
Unknown Speaker (possibly a promoter or host)
Jesus.
Tom Segura
Anyway, that's.
Joe DeRosa
That's minimal exercise and testosterone. You look great. How much weight have you dropped?
Tom Segura
£50. Whoa. Yeah.
Joe DeRosa
That's amazing.
Tom Segura
Yeah, thanks. Watch out for my belly button.
Bert Kreischer
Well, you don't like to get it.
Tom Segura
No, stop.
Ari Shaffir
What?
Tom Segura
Nothing. No, I'm gonna get up and leave this.
Bert Kreischer
No, no, no, I'm not.
Tom Segura
I don't like my belly button. I have a weird belly button phobia. It's the reason I started losing weight for real is I was in Hawaii.
Bert Kreischer
And you couldn't see it.
Tom Segura
No. And my belly button disappeared. It became an Audi. Stop. And I swear to God, stop. Isla was putting sunscreen on me and she went, oh, buddy, we gotta do something about that. And I said, what? She goes, you lost your belly button? I think you outgrew it. And I was like, wait, what? And then Georgie goes, it's an Audi. And then they both were like, oh, my God. Can you feel it touch your shirt? And I could feel my belly button touching my shirt.
Bert Kreischer
It really did.
Tom Segura
It did.
Bert Kreischer
Let me see.
Tom Segura
No, no, no, I'm not gonna touch it. Don't touch it.
Ari Shaffir
For real.
Bert Kreischer
I'm not gonna touch it.
Joe Rogan
It.
Bert Kreischer
So it actually went out and came back in.
Tom Segura
Went out and it came and it. I would. It was giving me something.
Ari Shaffir
Can I tell you what it is? Can I tell you what it actually is?
Tom Segura
It's a hernia.
Ari Shaffir
Yeah, it's a hernia.
Tom Segura
Yeah. And now I don't have it. I got rid of all of my hernia by doing abs and working out. I had the one right here, the fin, and it's gone.
Joe DeRosa
Wait, you got rid of it without surgery?
Tom Segura
Without. Well, I went to. I talked to a doctor, and the doctor's like, don't do the fucking surgery. It's a nightmare. And I was like, for real? And they're like, yeah, it's like eight week recovery. And. Yeah. And so they were like, really? You can fix it with. With working out, like if you lose weight. So I lost £50. I do abs. And the. This one's gone and this one's gone.
Bert Kreischer
That's insanely possible. But I congratulate you.
Tom Segura
Yeah.
Ari Shaffir
My doctor was like, that will not go away no matter what.
Tom Segura
What doctor have you ever gone to?
Ari Shaffir
I went to a doctor.
Tom Segura
How long have you been shedding blood?
Bert Kreischer
I know.
Joe DeRosa
And what third world country were you in when you went to the doctor?
Joe Rogan
Did you go here or did you
Joe DeRosa
go on one of your weird eyes
Tom Segura
Closed and your head on a pillow. When you saw this doctor, I was
Ari Shaffir
getting filled from behind.
Bert Kreischer
Does that still work that way?
Tom Segura
What?
Bert Kreischer
Do you still have that problem, shedding blood? Yeah, it's not.
Ari Shaffir
I don't call it a problem. It's like autism. There's no cure.
Tom Segura
Well, I think there's a cure.
Jelly Roll
What?
Tom Segura
I think there's a cure. There's absolutely a cure.
Ari Shaffir
How many people here have shit blood in the last year? Champions.
Bert Kreischer
Yeah. You won't be here next year. That's fucking crazy.
Tom Segura
This isn't the best test group.
Ari Shaffir
No, but.
Tom Segura
But here's the thing, dude.
Joe DeRosa
Here's why it is a problem.
Tom Segura
It's just a little.
Joe DeRosa
When you hear the term shit blood, you think of shit with a little bit of blood in it. Ari. Literally, shits just blood. It's all blood.
Bert Kreischer
It's pretty bad.
Tom Segura
It's not good, dude, he has to cram a tampon up his ass for it to stop bleeding. It's not an accident. And then if you're one of his friends, you're lucky enough to get him to try to put that in your mouth when you're not paying attention.
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, it's pretty cool, but because I respect you. So you've never seen anybody for this?
Ari Shaffir
This guy, he's not fun.
Bert Kreischer
You've never seen anyone for this? What you've never seen.
Ari Shaffir
I have. It's not cancer. So he's like, fuck it. I don't know.
Unknown Speaker (possibly a promoter or host)
Jesus Christ.
Ari Shaffir
I'm like, oh, yeah.
Tom Segura
Can you imagine being in a doctor Spicy foods? Senator Albany goes, oh, yeah.
Ari Shaffir
He goes, well, you might want to stay away from that. I was like, no, but I love spicy food. He goes, well, then you're gonna blood. And I was like, yeah, I knew this going into this meeting, dude.
Joe DeRosa
Yeah. I just came back from a country where you eat a squirrel on a stick.
Ari Shaffir
Not much blood get from a squirrel on a stick.
Joe DeRosa
Did you ever see the pictures of a Tom?
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, of course. In person, bro.
Tom Segura
All right, guys, they're playing me out.
Ari Shaffir
Wait, hold on. I.
Tom Segura
That's the end of this right now.
Ari Shaffir
I got something to say before I go. I have a travel podcast called you be tripping, and I have an award every year for people that have won an award in the show. We have one award called the biggest piece of shit award that I renamed the Joe DeRosa Award. He's never won, but last year there was a trippy award for best trip. Every year we go to a different place, and best trip last year was none other than Bert Kreischer.
Tom Segura
What are you talking about?
Ari Shaffir
Congratulations on your trippy award, Bert.
Tom Segura
My trippy award? Wait, this is real?
Ari Shaffir
Yeah. Wait, what is this for best episode of my podcast.
Tom Segura
Oh, for real?
Ari Shaffir
Trippy award. Best trip for his trip to Vietnam.
Bert Kreischer
Stick it in.
Ari Shaffir
I wasn't even gonna say that, but they make a good point.
Tom Segura
I bet. This is awesome. Thank. What's the trick?
Ari Shaffir
There's no. There's no trick on this one.
Tom Segura
Oh, for real?
Ari Shaffir
Yeah.
Bert Kreischer
Don't touch the top.
Tom Segura
Touch the top.
Bert Kreischer
And don't smell the box.
Joe DeRosa
I swear to God, I thought there was going to be a turd in it.
Ari Shaffir
You were nominated. You won. We're a sexual adventure.
Bert Kreischer
Thank you.
Tom Segura
Well, thank you very much. I love doing your podcast and I'd love to do another episode.
Joe Rogan
Absolutely.
Ari Shaffir
You're the best.
Tom Segura
And congratulations on. This is the very end.
Ari Shaffir
This is the end. Guys. They actually have a five dollar discount code right here.
Bert Kreischer
Fuck.
Ari Shaffir
I shouldn't have told you that. But if you go look at one of Those, you get $5 off right now. Go get a fucking. As a Jew, I don't like it, but as a comedy fan, I would say go. Go get that.
Bert Kreischer
Amazing. Thank you, guys.
Tom Segura
Make sure to watch new show Bad Ideas.
Bert Kreischer
It's called bad thoughts. May 24th.
Unknown Speaker (possibly a promoter or host)
Please watch.
Joe DeRosa
I should. Can I plug.
Bert Kreischer
Yeah, of course.
Joe DeRosa
Please watch my new podcast on ymh. Vile and horrendous. It's been a blast so far. Thank you for making me.
Bert Kreischer
Absolutely.
Tom Segura
Thank you everyone for coming out.
Bert Kreischer
Thank you, guys.
Tom Segura
I'll tell you what, we'll do it again next year. Different city, we'll travel, we'll make it a fucking blast. Thank you guys for coming out. Two bears, 5K. Netflix, the joke Fest.
Bert Kreischer
Thank you, guys.
Tom Segura
Bert and Tom. Tom and Bert.
Kevin Ryan
One goes topless while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Burt's the Machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean.
Tom Segura
Here's what we call two bears. One cave.
Hosts: Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Guests: Jelly Roll, Ari Shaffir, Joe DeRosa, H. Foley, Kevin Ryan ("Are You Garbage?")
Date: May 18, 2026
Recording: Live at the Rose Bowl, during the "2 Bears 5K" event, as part of Netflix Is A Joke Fest
This electrifying live edition of "2 Bears, 1 Cave" takes place in front of an enthusiastic crowd at the Rose Bowl, as part of the annual "2 Bears 5K" event. Hosts Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer are joined by various comedian friends—in particular, Jelly Roll (now almost 300 lbs down), Ari Shaffir, Joe DeRosa, and both H. Foley and Kevin Ryan of the "Are You Garbage?" podcast. The group celebrates weight loss journeys, raucous stories, bodily confessions, and the community created by the 5K event, blending heartfelt moments with outrageous, signature Two Bears humor.
| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote | |-----------|----------|--------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 03:39 | Jelly Roll| "This dude lost…met his wife at the second [5K] and lost a lot more weight. Now him and his wife are here for the third one." | | 05:21 | Jelly Roll| "I would count staircases…I would Google venues and try to zoom in and look at chairs or like restaurants." | | 09:59 | Jelly Roll| "I didn’t have another 30 months of living like that in me when y’all announced this. It was a godsend, man." | | 28:01 | Tom | "I am on Manjaro. I am doing the Terazeptide shot…It works. I’m down £50." | | 30:11 | Bert | "I was telling him [Eddie Murphy] a story about his brother…He looks at me and goes, 'Is that the end of the story?'" | | 58:07 | Tom | "My therapist says you can be a good narcissist…Narcissism creates shit like this." | | 61:23 | Ari | "Tom fat was such a piece of disgusting. He was more gross than you were. Oh, yeah, your belly's pushed out. Tom was a sag." | | 70:16 | Ari | "It’s not cancer. So [the doctor]'s like, fuck it. I don’t know." |
The show is raucous, bawdy, relentlessly honest, and full of banter. The hosts use their trademark blend of heartfelt vulnerability and gross-out comedy, but there’s a real sense of camaraderie and support—especially around the health transformations celebrated by the group and their fans. They lampoon their own excesses and flaws, and the live audience amps up the energy.
This live episode is a celebration of both irreverent humor and actual life changes. The comedians' over-the-top self-deprecation and confessions make space for genuine stories of hope, encouragement, and transformation. At its core, the "2 Bears 5K" is as much about community and acceptance as it is about comedy, and the episode lands as a hilarious, inspiring romp through the absurdities and triumphs of fatness, friendship, and finding oneself slightly less winded with each passing year.