Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley (Are You Garbage?) | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Married To The Queen Of Garbage w/ Kevin Ryan & H Foley" | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Introduction In the February 24, 2025 episode of "2 Bears, 1 Cave," hosted by YMH Studios, comedian best friends Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer welcome special guests Kevin Ryan and H Foley from the comedy duo "Are You Garbage?" The episode delves into their experiences touring, humorous mishaps on the road, personal anecdotes, and discussions on financial management—all infused with the trademark comedic flair of the hosts.

Route 66 Tour Comedy Special Tom Segura kicks off the episode by introducing Kevin Ryan and H Foley, highlighting their new documentary special titled "Route 66 Tour Comedy Special," set to release on YouTube on February 25th. He emphasizes the unique blend of stand-up performances and behind-the-scenes antics that fans can expect.

Tom Segura [00:24]: "It's really you guys that people want to see the most, which is like, the bits. The off. Off stage fun. Like on the bus, around in restaurants."

Tour Experiences and the Challenging Bus Driver Kevin and H Foley recount their 12-day tour from Chicago to California aboard a notoriously old 1981 bus. They humorously describe their strained relationship with the bus driver, a Dominican man with a rough past, whose demeanor made the journey memorable.

Kevin Ryan [01:29]: "I just started calling bus rental places and I'm like, can we have a bus? They're like, sure, but we got a bus from, like, 1981."

H Foley [03:05]: "Fucking strong silent."

The duo shares anecdotes about the bus's poor condition, including ripped seats and frequent breakdowns, adding to the comedic tension of their interactions.

Mishaps on Tour: The Bathroom Incident A particularly memorable moment unfolds when H Foley experiences a bathroom emergency on the bus while under the influence. The situation, captured by their discreetly filming producer Luke, leads to a series of frantic yet hilarious attempts to manage the aftermath without alarming the rest of the crew.

H Foley [05:16]: "I had to get rid of the underwear. Didn't break the upper atmosphere."

Kevin Ryan [11:25]: "Our producer comes out to me at lunch and he's like, dude, I have something that I probably shouldn't."

This incident not only provided comic relief but also highlighted the unpredictable nature of life on tour.

Personal Anecdotes: Tom's Father-Son Story Tom Segura shares a heartfelt yet humorous story about his father accidentally soiling his pants during a trip, adding a personal touch to the episode. This narrative underscores the blend of comedy and genuine moments that define the podcast's appeal.

Tom Segura [07:11]: "He holds them up and you see this brown stain? I go, you can't wear those."

Financial Discussions: Managing Tour Expenses The conversation shifts to financial management, where Kevin Ryan and H Foley discuss the challenges of handling tour expenses, taxes, and the importance of having a business manager. They reflect on past financial missteps and the steps they've taken to secure their finances moving forward.

Kevin Ryan [52:45]: "We have a business manager... this year is the first year I don't have to kind of wipe out my savings to pay taxes."

Tom Segura [54:07]: "Planning for the future isn't just about finances. It's about the legacy you leave behind."

Family and Children: Raising Comedic Offspring The guests delve into their personal lives, sharing stories about parenting and the mischievous antics of their children. These anecdotes provide a glimpse into balancing family life with the demands of a comedy career.

Tom Segura [47:05]: "These kids... they just fist fight. Like, it would just be like, it would be hell in the cell until my mom got home."

Vehicle Choices for Touring: Conversion Van vs. Renting A significant portion of the discussion revolves around the practicalities of touring logistics. Kevin Ryan and H Foley debate the merits of purchasing a conversion van versus renting vehicles, weighing financial implications against the convenience and camaraderie a shared vehicle can foster.

Kevin Ryan [64:39]: "I run that by the business manager... they're like, absolutely not."

H Foley [69:00]: "Yeah. So we're gonna buy it this week. So he's like, well, it'll be with us in Pontiac, Michigan."

Closing Remarks: Upcoming Releases and Future Tours As the episode wraps up, Tom Segura reiterates the release date of the "Route 66 Tour Comedy Special" and encourages listeners to check it out on the "Are You Garbage?" YouTube channel. Kevin Ryan and H Foley share their plans to resume touring in the spring, with tentative schedules for shows in April and fall.

Tom Segura [73:48]: "So make sure you listen and follow. Are you garbage? And we'll see you guys soon. Thank you."

Conclusion This episode of "2 Bears, 1 Cave" masterfully blends humor with real-life stories, offering listeners an entertaining glimpse into the world of touring comedians. Through shared experiences, comedic mishaps, and candid discussions, Tom Segura, Bert Kreischer, Kevin Ryan, and H Foley create a rich and engaging narrative that resonates with both comedy enthusiasts and casual listeners alike.

Notable Quotes:

• Kevin Ryan [01:29]: "I just started calling bus rental places and I'm like, can we have a bus? They're like, sure, but we got a bus from, like, 1981."
• H Foley [03:05]: "Fucking strong silent."
• Tom Segura [07:11]: "He holds them up and you see this brown stain? I go, you can't wear those."
• Kevin Ryan [52:45]: "We have a business manager... this year is the first year I don't have to kind of wipe out my savings to pay taxes."
• Tom Segura [54:07]: "Planning for the future isn't just about finances. It's about the legacy you leave behind."
• H Foley [69:00]: "Yeah. So we're gonna buy it this week. So he's like, well, it'll be with us in Pontiac, Michigan."

Timestamp Highlights:

• [01:29] Introduction of the challenging bus driver.
• [05:16] H Foley's bathroom emergency incident.
• [07:11] Tom Segura's personal story about his father.
• [52:45] Discussion on financial management and taxes.
• [54:07] Emphasis on the importance of financial planning.
• [69:00] Decision to purchase a conversion van despite business manager's objections.

This comprehensive summary captures the essence of the episode, highlighting key discussions, humorous anecdotes, and insightful conversations that define "2 Bears, 1 Cave."

Transcript

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey, guys, quick reminder about the two Bears 5K with me, Tommy and Jelly roll in Tampa May 4th at Raymond James Stadium. Do not miss out on the early bird pricing because that will go away at the end of the month. Prices rise on March 1. Get off the couch. Get on Strava jellies on there. They'll get you to a 5K. You can do it with us. Meet us in tampa. Go to 2 bears5k.com to register 100%.

[Tom Segura]

Welcome to another episode of 2 Bears 1 Cave. This is an exciting day here. The sexual energy is thriving. It's charging. It's. I can feel it in my bones. And we're really happy to tell you guys that on February 25th, you can check out the all new Route 66 Tour Comedy Special. It's coming out on YouTube and these are the guys behind it. Give it up for the. Are you garbage guys? Kevin and H. Foley, everybody.

[Kevin Ryan]

What's up, guys?

[H. Foley]

To see you, buddy.

[Kevin Ryan]

Thanks for having us.

[Tom Segura]

Of course. It's so good to see you. Congratulations.

[Kevin Ryan]

Thank you.

[Tom Segura]

Special.

[Kevin Ryan]

Thank you.

[Tom Segura]

This is a documentary special that encompasses. Are you garbage with the. With the crowd. Stand up. And I think actually it's the thing that people want to see the most, which is like, the bits. The off. Off stage fun. Like on the bus, around in restaurants.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's exactly what it is. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

D out salt shakers. What do you. Whatever you do for fun. But it has it all.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, it was. It was very like, we do the bus we got. I mean, because we are just dirt bags and like, you know, we just did this ourselves. Like, I just started calling bus rental places and I'm like, can we have a bus? They're like, sure, but we got a bus from, like, 1981.

[Tom Segura]

Maybe purposely bad.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, it was just like. That's what I mean.

[H. Foley]

A lot of character.

[Kevin Ryan]

It felt like we were in, like a log cabin in the 80s. It was. Dude, the seats were ripped. It was.

[Tom Segura]

How many people were on the bus with you?

[Kevin Ryan]

Nine guys. Nine dudes.

[H. Foley]

Nine dudes.

[Tom Segura]

It was.

[Kevin Ryan]

It was. Yeah. So it was me, him, two openers, Sam and Tommy, a tour manager, and then the crew was three people and a producer.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[H. Foley]

And a bus driver who hated our guts.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, he hated.

[Kevin Ryan]

We. We thought he was either deaf or didn't speak English for the first four days.

[Tom Segura]

And it turned out he turned out.

[Kevin Ryan]

He just didn't like us.

[Tom Segura]

Didn't like us at all because. Were you guys, like, rowdy?

[Kevin Ryan]

I mean, probably a little bit, but nothing.

[Tom Segura]

Like, what did he not like about you.

[Kevin Ryan]

Just our faces really, right away, weren't.

[H. Foley]

His kind of guys.

[Kevin Ryan]

We do. We have it on. We have us meeting him after the first night because he got there, parked the bus, and, you know, we lost to the venue. It was there in Chicago.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, we met in Chicago and then took the bus all the way to. To California over the 12 days.

[Kevin Ryan]

And I get there. So, like, we go, we do the show. The bus calls. You know, it's like, you know, 2:00am or whatever. So, like, we go, we do the show, do the meet and greet, go out for beers and like, something to eat. And we're coming back and he's there smoking a cigarette. Like, I am Kevin. Nice to meet you. He just put his hand out. No, like, no words. No, just. I said, thanks for driving us. And he just.

[H. Foley]

Fucking strong silent.

[Tom Segura]

So, yeah, I mean, first of all, his assignment is driving the 1981. So this is not their best guy.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

But I think he said it had, like 22.2 million mile. It was like, crazy. It broke down like his bus him off Airbnb. It was just an rv.

[Tom Segura]

So. So wait, so, like, describe, like, how old is he?

[Kevin Ryan]

He was a. He was a Dominican guy from the neighborhood I live in. I live in a Dominican neighborhood in New York called Washington Heights. Yeah, he lives. He's from. And he's like, you live there? I'm like, he's like, you're an idiot. He's like, I got out.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, I had a pretty good conversation with him one night. We took shrooms, and I was. I was up driver.

[Kevin Ryan]

Just me.

[Tom Segura]

Oh.

[H. Foley]

And he. He, He. He ripped teeters, so we were still smoking at the time. So he let me come up and sit and smoke a cig with them. I chatted him up a little bit, found a little bit of his life story. Nice guy.

[Tom Segura]

He's Dominican.

[H. Foley]

Dominican dude. Maybe, you know, a little bit of a rougher, younger days.

[Kevin Ryan]

He's got a past.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

Well, he's not allowed in Canada. We found out he's got. He's got a past either.

[H. Foley]

Am I. You know what I mean?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So, yeah, it's good the tour didn't go up there.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure. Yeah. Stopped in L. A. So he was really cool, though.

[Tom Segura]

So. And was he like, like from Dominican or just like, not just like a.

[Kevin Ryan]

New York Dominican guy?

[Tom Segura]

I got you.

[Kevin Ryan]

And what really broke him is we were, you know, the. We pulled over and we had a drone flying above us. Like we were pulling into a town. Like the production guys. Like, yo, pull over. So they throw the drone up and we're cruising. He's cruising. And then they hit a fucking power line with the. And it fucking just blew up. It fell on the ground, got ran over. And he thought that was the funniest thing. He loved that. Meanwhile, it was like a fifteen thousand dollar loss for us, right? And he's like, ha ha.

[Tom Segura]

Dang.

[Kevin Ryan]

A truck hit it. Did a car hit it? Did a truck hit. I'm like, dude, we get it.

[Tom Segura]

All right? We get it. Yeah, we lost a lot of money.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure. Yeah, it sucks. We' red on this thing, dude. It's going on YouTube. We're not even selling.

[H. Foley]

I was sleeping. I didn't see it.

[Tom Segura]

Holy man, huh? Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Like everything that kind of could. In a. In a good way of like. It's very us. Like so much just. Yeah, this went wrong.

[H. Foley]

The thing to my pants.

[Tom Segura]

You see your pants? Yeah, on the tour.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, on five different cameras. And tried to hide it, which is the most insane.

[H. Foley]

Where were you? I didn't realize they were filming. So I was. I was still in Ozempic at the time. And it was really. It was really killing me. Killing me. And did it.

[Tom Segura]

Was it helping?

[H. Foley]

No, it was making me. I was so sick. I had burps, the runs, the whole nine yards. I was in a bad spot. So I. I was. I was on a clock. Because you get on that bus, can't poop.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. He lives in like a typical good spot. Normally, like he's not burping and farting.

[H. Foley]

But I had to really time it out. And then the bus broke down and I kind of jammed up my schedule.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

And yeah, we got to the place where we're getting the bus fixed and, you know, something happened. I didn't realize Luke, our producer, was running around like the school newspaper filming me.

[Kevin Ryan]

And dude, meanwhile he's got a lava. Like, we are. We're only day seven of production under the radar.

[Tom Segura]

Was it running down your legs? Was it like.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, no, it wasn't not. He threw the underwear. Underwear away.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, I had to get rid of the underwear. Didn't break the upper atmosphere.

[Kevin Ryan]

He kept the shorts on, though, for the rest of the day, which is a wild choice.

[H. Foley]

That would have been a dead giveaway. I figured.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, so it was just to like save face.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, yeah. So I. We got.

[Tom Segura]

There was. There. Were there stains on it. I mean, Tommy, from the outside, could you be like, oh, these are.

[H. Foley]

Well, they were dark. They were dark basketball shorts.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

So, yeah, they were.

[H. Foley]

At a glance, I could have Maybe sat in some water or something like that.

[Tom Segura]

I remember when my. I was with my dad one time and we were in Portland, Maine, and we went out, he was like, we got. He's like, let's go get lobster. And so we got lobster. And then we walk. It's like a father son trip, by the way. It's like, I'm fucking 40. I mean, this is like a few years ago. And we get back to the. We're in the hotel lobby and he's like, I gotta take a shit. So he just goes to the lobby bathroom and I go up to the room. We're sharing a room, right?

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure.

[Tom Segura]

So I go into the bathroom of the hotel room we're in and I'm sitting there taking a shit. And then I don't know, a minute later, I hear on the back. I go, what's up? He goes, me? I go, I thought you. Yeah, we're using the bathroom downstairs. He's like, I shit my pants. And I go, okay. So he's like, hurry up. I go, I'm sit. I'm on the toilet, man. Like, hold on. So I clean up, I get out. He's like, I shit my pants. I go, what happened? He's like, well, I was walking in and it was, you know, it was five feet too far, the toilet. So I was like, okay. So he goes in there, he cleans up, and then he comes out and he's telling me the story. I'm like tearing up laughing at it. And then he's like, all right, well, let's go to whatever. Like go to see a movie or something. And I. He starts putting. Pants. Are those the pants you just in? He's like, well, yeah. I go, well, don't you want to look at them? And he holds them up and you see this brown stain?

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure.

[Tom Segura]

I go, you can't wear those. He goes, why? I go, because there's shit on them. And he goes, it's just a little bit of.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's crazy.

[Tom Segura]

And I go, no, that's not a sentence. No one says. It's just a little bit of shit. I go, don't you have other pants? He's like, yeah. I go, well, get the other pair of pants.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, that's why you don't look bad. Yeah, yeah. When you don't want an answer, you don't look.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was bad.

[H. Foley]

Reality in the cold lighted day He's.

[Kevin Ryan]

A unique guy On a bus.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

To live with for that nine guys. He'll just be like, you come In. He's like sitting in your bunk. And I'm like, dude, get your proven shitty ass off of my bed. Like that's.

[H. Foley]

I put my shoes on.

[Kevin Ryan]

So wait, dude, he's an animal. He's the only guy. Just like his luggage is out and open. And they.

[Tom Segura]

Was it a slow reveal that you had done this? In other words, that like they.

[H. Foley]

They found. So they were filming like the. So the bus broke down. We were getting all that footage and stuff like that. But I realized Luke was like hovering around me with a camera. And when I got off the bus is when the incident occurred.

[Tom Segura]

And it's like. It's a moment, right? It's like one quick moment.

[H. Foley]

But I wasn't sure yet.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, right. Cuz you have to check. Sometimes we do.

[Kevin Ryan]

We have the two finger dab and then this dude.

[H. Foley]

But I wasn't sure because, you know, sometimes. Sometimes it feels like. Is it wet down there? And you.

[Kevin Ryan]

Dude, he comes up to the nose and does that.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. You got that on camera?

[Kevin Ryan]

On camera did.

[H. Foley]

I didn't realize that.

[Kevin Ryan]

And then he goes, you think they got a bathroom in there? And they're like, so. I mean, this poor mechanic shop. It was a family owned mechanic shop in like Arizona.

[H. Foley]

And if it wasn't. If we weren't at that specific mechanic shop, I don't know how other mechanic shops are. But this bathroom was like a bathroom at a house. Like they had a sink. They had cleaning products under the. Under the sink.

[Kevin Ryan]

It was like a powder.

[H. Foley]

They had paper towels in there.

[Tom Segura]

You took the underwear right in the trash?

[H. Foley]

Yeah. Well, first. First I checked because, you know, sometimes, you know, it's false alarm. It feels swampy.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

And it isn't right. Unfortunately, this time that wasn't the case.

[Kevin Ryan]

There was some action for everybody involved.

[H. Foley]

So I had loose basketball shorts on. So I thought I did it real quick. I just did like one of those.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

I knew it was bad news.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

For everybody.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

So I excused myself from the group and I went in and. Same thing with your dad. Somebody was in there. Somebody else was. Was in there. And I was banging on the door and I heard the toilet flush. It was Tommy Cassidy, our opener. And I was like, listen, I heard the toilet flush. Next thing, I should hear water running. Get out of there. I got a situation. So I go in there. Have to get completely naked. Yeah, I'm completely naked. And it's like a little. It's like. It's a chilly Albuquerque morning. So I feel that draft coming in.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Standing in These people's bathroom, they're live.

[Kevin Ryan]

Their livelihood is in the line. He's just like, got a pair of shitty underwear and a brown ass on him.

[H. Foley]

So I had. I threw them in the. I threw them in the. In the trash can. All right. Threw them in a trash can. Cleaned up, had to clean. It was. I was like the wolf. I had to clean up the bathroom, get rid of everything. And thank God they had. They had. You know, you sometimes put a clean trash bag under the. Under the dirty one so you can fill it. They had that, so it was cool. I got away clean.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[H. Foley]

I grabbed my bag, I threw my shorts on, I moved out, hook shot it in the dumpster, and that's it. The bus was fixed. Let's go. Thought, all right, no big deal. Everything's.

[Kevin Ryan]

He doesn't think anybody knows.

[Tom Segura]

So at this point in your mind, you just got away with this, right?

[H. Foley]

Heist of the century. It's like the Lufthansa heist. Jimmy. Yeah, it was sad.

[Kevin Ryan]

Our producer comes out to me at lunch and he's like, dude, I have something that I probably shouldn't. I'm like, if it's in the. If it's in the world of comedy.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Kevin Ryan]

If we can get laughs out of this, you have to tell me.

[H. Foley]

I think it was very funny.

[Kevin Ryan]

And he's like, Foley. I'm pretty sure Foley shit himself. I'm like, when? He's like, an hour ago. So I'm like, well, we haven't changed. We haven't shot. We've. You know, the bus is up on a jack.

[H. Foley]

So I was on the bus eating Cheez Its at the time when this was all going.

[Kevin Ryan]

We get back, so he's sitting there eating, snacking away, and I'm like, what? We're like, on the. We're on the road to. Because at this point, we're like, meanwhile, it's like the. Just the duality of this, like, the dichotomy of the show. He's actively has fecal matter in his underwear, allegedly. And I'm like, can we get to sprinter van? Like, we have to still get six hours to a show. Yeah, that has to go like. You know what I mean?

[H. Foley]

We're behind the eight ball.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm like, I'm. We're calling rental car. They're like, no, you can return the car to another locate. We're just trying to figure out. We're like, can we get a plant? Like, anything we can do.

[H. Foley]

They were all handling that. I had. I had other.

[Kevin Ryan]

And he's like, you think they had a bathroom in here? And I'm like, dude, what the fuck? So then we finally the reveal. We slow. We slow roll. It just so happened like we would do on a pot. I'm like, what happened at the mechanic shop? And he's like, oh. Like he.

[H. Foley]

I thought the service was great.

[Tom Segura]

I was still downplaying it.

[Kevin Ryan]

I said, yeah. I'm like, do you want to get out in front of this or like. Because I. I know what happened. And it was just like, that's July till the end.

[H. Foley]

Until they got you on camera. Yeah, they're right.

[Tom Segura]

You need to see the evidence before. Sure.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Talk to my lawyer.

[H. Foley]

I don't answer questions.

[Bert Kreischer]

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[Tom Segura]

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[Kevin Ryan]

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[Tom Segura]

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[Kevin Ryan]

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[H. Foley]

Keep my hands on the wheel. I don't answer questions.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God. So that's in the dock though?

[H. Foley]

That's in there?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. I mean, I wanted that just to be the doc. I'm like, the comedy ass. Just release this.

[Tom Segura]

That's the best part of the dock. Yeah, yeah, that's going to be the highlight of it was the way it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Was shot and the way the editor did it and like, look back and like, I mean, because we have so many angles of it that I'm like, this is the. Maybe the funniest thing I've ever been a part of.

[Tom Segura]

It just shows you too, that, like, you can work at comedy for forever so long and a real moment like that will be funnier than anything you.

[H. Foley]

Ever need a fat guy to in the dumpster. If you Want the Emmys to call?

[Tom Segura]

So, wait, you were on the Ozempies then?

[H. Foley]

I was on the Ozempies then, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Now?

[H. Foley]

No, now. I had it up and down with the Ozempies. I know it's bad. I'm sure you got a lot of questions. I did. Bad news. I understand that. I'm aware of what I look like.

[Tom Segura]

No, just, you know, we went to dinner last night.

[Kevin Ryan]

He had lobster three ways. He had three different kinds of lobster.

[H. Foley]

All right, wait.

[Tom Segura]

Poached, fried.

[Kevin Ryan]

He had a lobster taco.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

A soup.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

And then his.

[H. Foley]

You ordered the lobster taco.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, it's my fault. You ordered the other two types of lobster for yourself.

[H. Foley]

There's Eddie V's. Any of these shout out to.

[Kevin Ryan]

Nice joint.

[H. Foley]

That's a nice joint right there.

[Tom Segura]

How was the bill?

[Kevin Ryan]

Heavy.

[Tom Segura]

Heavy bill.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. But that's the one place we do splurge food. Steakhouse. And we really. We don't go anything. It's typical state. We'll go. We'll go ahead.

[Tom Segura]

Steakhouse is the. You can't go wrong at a steakhouse.

[H. Foley]

And we only do. We only. Listen. We only do it in, like, you know, once or twice. Like, you know, like something like this. You know, we had, like a long week or whatever. Like, the first night we got here, we got the guys with us and stuff like that. You know, we. You know, we want everybody to have a good time.

[Tom Segura]

Have you been celebratory when you come here? Have you been to Jake Harvest?

[Kevin Ryan]

No.

[H. Foley]

No, we went to Three Forks.

[Tom Segura]

How'd you like that, love? Did you get the king's butter?

[Kevin Ryan]

The fuck is you dropping that on me now, Tommy Buns?

[H. Foley]

Had a little king's butter in my underwear.

[Tom Segura]

You got to go back. You got to get the king's butter.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, that place was expensive. Yeah, that place was. That was. That was a heavy.

[Tom Segura]

Well, you told me. I mean, you got here, you guys were like, we are spenders.

[Kevin Ryan]

We also just bad with money.

[H. Foley]

We also almost got kicked out of Three Forks because we were pretty up. We probably shouldn't have been in there.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm literally. I have this exact outfit on and I got a backwards hat on. Our producers. Blind drunk, kicking chair. Like, falling into things.

[H. Foley]

I was wearing a bathing suit.

[Kevin Ryan]

What?

[Tom Segura]

At 3, 4.

[Kevin Ryan]

We are who we are, Tommy. We can't change it.

[H. Foley]

Our money's still green.

[Kevin Ryan]

Huh?

[Tom Segura]

Were they. Were they like. Excuse me, dude, we were.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm pretty sure they thought we weren't going to be able to cover the check.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, we were in the Middle of the dining room there. Nice. Nice people having nice dinners, enjoying themselves.

[Tom Segura]

You guys were just animals.

[H. Foley]

And we're sitting.

[Kevin Ryan]

We were day. We started day drinking at, like, 2.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

We went to Cisco's and East Tax shout outs. I don't know if you've ever been to Cisco's. Great Mexican food.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

Started how. We're like, let's have a beer here. And then that. The weather was nice. It was like 75.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Let loose, man.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. It was our only off day.

[H. Foley]

We knew we were in trouble when after we ordered, they came and they flipped out the Leafs. And I was like, in. At this point, I'm like, in the walkway and there's like. There's two nice couples having. Having dinner behind us. We're screaming back and forth. We're doing this, we're doing that.

[Kevin Ryan]

We were like. We were a scene for that place. It's not like we had each other in headlocks and, you know, trying to put each other out or anything.

[Tom Segura]

How'd you guys handle the Super Bowl?

[H. Foley]

Quietly.

[Kevin Ryan]

Quiet. I watched it at home with my.

[H. Foley]

Wife because we went to the NFC championship the week before. And I realized very quickly after that whole excursion that I wouldn't have made the. It was rough.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

How so?

[H. Foley]

Had to walk to the subway. There was no cars. Had to get through Broad Street. Walking around, my feet were killing me. I was all. We were all fucked up. I just knew we couldn't do another weekend like that.

[Tom Segura]

Like that. Were you considering going?

[H. Foley]

We thought about it, you know, in the moment. We were excited because that's hometown.

[Tom Segura]

It would have buried hometown.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, hometown. It's also like, we got our boy, you know, I don't know if, you know, like, Tommy Pope, Chris O'Connor, Gilly. And we always go to the game, like, we always go to Philly's game, like Phillies games or whatever. Big games together. And it was like. It was like rally the troops type thing.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Also, we're gonna have to pay for tickets. Like schlubs.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm hitting up all. Everybody. And they're hit up our agents. Like, you made us, like 700 last year. Get out of here. They're like, we can get you into the party, maybe.

[Tom Segura]

Super bowl tickets are crazy. Crazy, crazy.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

I also didn't, you know, just. I didn't want to watch that in that environment because I was very anxious about it. I don't want to go to any super bowl parties. I wanted to sit in the dark, quiet, and watch it.

[Tom Segura]

But you Must have really enjoyed it.

[H. Foley]

I mean, not. Not because I kept thinking, like, this fucking guy's gonna come back, right?

[Kevin Ryan]

If anybody could have done, you know, it's him.

[Tom Segura]

But there's a point where like, it was probably in the third or the dagger. Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, this is, this is happening also.

[Tom Segura]

It was such a beat down.

[Kevin Ryan]

Crazy.

[Tom Segura]

I've never, I've never ever Ass kicking. Also, like, the. The Vegas people must have made out because there's no way people were betting with these types of spreads.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, no way.

[H. Foley]

No.

[Kevin Ryan]

It was also very like the Philly mentality is like, we don't win. Like. Like we have to eke out weight. Like, you know, it's just very much like tooth and nail. And then to have that, you're like, what the.

[H. Foley]

Oh.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, I. It's just so crazy to see not just how good you guys looked, but like, how bad they look.

[Kevin Ryan]

Wild.

[Tom Segura]

They looked so bad. You know what it looked like? It looked like when the. Well, sometimes when like an old mean coach makes his JV team play the bar and they're like, these guys are way bigger and stronger and like, this is not cool. Someone's gonna get really hurt. That's what it looked like. It looked like two different leagues of teams. Really.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

There was a guy in Philly in the 60s, I think he ended up becoming one of the managers of this restaurant I worked at when I was a kid. The Blue bell in his name was Jack Friel, Philly legend. He was the coach of a Catholic school in Philly. The night before, like the city championship or whatever it was, the varsity team got in trouble for like drinking or something like that. Starts. Benches them all. Starts. The JV team wins the city championship.

[Tom Segura]

What?

[H. Foley]

Or the Stab. Not sure what it was, but that's something.

[Tom Segura]

There should be a movie about it.

[H. Foley]

That's what I'm talking about.

[Tom Segura]

Some of these old guys, like, right before I got to my high school in Florida, when I transferred there from Milwaukee, we. The old, like, you could just tell the guy's mean AD was the. Also. The high school was also the football coach. And he transferred out. So I never. I got to see him when I moved there. And then by the time spring came around, he was gone. And they were like, oh, yeah, he's a piece of shit. And they go, he would like. Like one time, I remember I tried to. I asked one of the kids in my class, I was like, why don't you play football? He's like, I'm not doing that anymore. And I go, why? He goes, well, that guy, he goes just for his own amusement, one time made me, like, run full speed at a. He was a freshman at a senior, and just to, like. And the senior was like, the big Juice guy. Yeah, he was like, just 40. 40 yards sprint at him. And the senior knocked him out, like, sent him into the. Like, unconscious. And he was like, yeah, that was the last time I go, yeah, that's not.

[H. Foley]

That's a life lesson. What are you talking about? Come on.

[Tom Segura]

The next guy's not gonna make you do that. He was like, I'm done with that. I'm not doing that again. He just did it to, like, bully.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. That's why his kids are soft now, Tommy.

[Tom Segura]

That's right. That is why kids. Do you see the Rick Patino thing?

[Kevin Ryan]

That's crazy.

[H. Foley]

Now, what happened?

[Tom Segura]

Dude, you gotta pull this up. This. This is so great. I just saw this.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, wait. Maybe I'm thinking of something else.

[Tom Segura]

It's. Go to Bleacher Report on Instagram. They. Rick Patino still at it. He's been coaching.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I feel like 45 years or something.

[H. Foley]

Old schooler.

[Tom Segura]

Old schooler. So he's. I think he coaches St. John's now. They are. Scroll down right there. Where have you guys been? And when you click on that, you'll have to swipe and turn the sound on.

[H. Foley]

Basketball player, dig in.

[Tom Segura]

This is halftime.

[H. Foley]

Every time you miss a shot, your game deflates. We don't care about your missed shots. Play defense.

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, you guys keep blowing opportunity upon opportunity upon opportunity. You're like children with bad things happening.

[H. Foley]

Instead of digging in and be tougher, you wilt. Where is your toughness? Where have you guys been raised that you're so weak mentally that you just give up when something doesn't go right for you? Don't you know what adversity is all about? That's the game of life, not the game of basketball. You don't get down when things go wrong.

[Kevin Ryan]

You dig in and get tougher.

[H. Foley]

Your whole life's gonna be adversity. Learn how to deal with it. Let's go right.

[Kevin Ryan]

God damn. That's scripted, dude.

[Tom Segura]

So leave that. That's that. They're down 13.13 at halftime. Come back and win this game.

[Kevin Ryan]

Good for them.

[Tom Segura]

It's half time. Yeah. And if you scroll down, it's just. Everybody's just ready to be like, I want to play.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. Those shit crazy. Yeah, that's fucking. I mean, like, I've always shocked by coach. Like, as performers, you're like, how did you hit all of those notes? Perfect. Like they build the emotion that then it's like how do they do that? Off the cuff is crazy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it's great.

[H. Foley]

Think he likes it? Eddie V's, huh? Sit down. Baseball steak with him, get you straightened out.

[Tom Segura]

You guys are like children. I mean, you know, you're sitting there.

[Kevin Ryan]

Where were you raised? Meanwhile he's screaming at dudes that are like 6, 14, 40. Just like where were you raised?

[H. Foley]

Like, ah, that's what you need. All my coaches in high school and college were like that and I loved it.

[Tom Segura]

It's great, right?

[H. Foley]

Oh, it was the best.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it was the best. I love coaches that were because that there's this line you want them to be tough but care about you.

[H. Foley]

Of course.

[Tom Segura]

And like some coaches don't know the like that you have to have both. But if they care about you, they can say anything they want to you.

[H. Foley]

I remember my football coach in high school saying he was, he was hard on us me like they were, he came in when I was a junior and then like my senior year they'd gotten their foot under them and stuff like that and they really wanted to build a program and so he was, he was hard on us to like, you know, get everybody ready as the program moved forward. And I think I or another one of my buddies who he always like, you know, was just strong on was like, you know, why do you yell at us so much? And he was like, when I stop yelling that's when you should worry.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's true.

[H. Foley]

Always stuck with me.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sounds pretty emotionally abusive if you ask me. I'm doing it for your own good. Jesus Christ. Crazy.

[H. Foley]

We like that stuff back then. It was crazy.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

When they yell at you when you know the guy gives a about you and he says that it fire, it fires you up. You're like, yeah, I'm letting him down, letting myself down.

[H. Foley]

It like radicalizes you. You're like let's go, let's go dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

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[Tom Segura]

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[Kevin Ryan]

Out to new queen of garbage.

[Tom Segura]

She couldn't come in today, but she was. I go. Because I told her how much fun. She was going, you're going. Have so much fun doing this. And then I go, how'd it go? She goes, I'm the new queen. I go, what? She goes, I'm the new queen of garbage. And I was like, oh, I knew you were gonna at least come close to the title.

[H. Foley]

How much of that did you know?

[Tom Segura]

I know a lot.

[Kevin Ryan]

Did you know that when you were, like, started there? Did that come out after, like, as you.

[Tom Segura]

Well, I think, yeah. You know, little by little. Right, sure.

[Kevin Ryan]

Like, she doesn't put all those cards on the table the first day.

[Tom Segura]

There are some wild, like, you know, we go, like, in the Valley. I don't know how well you know la, but we'd be like, in the Valley. And, you know, she'd show me this neighborhood. Like, I. I grew up in these apartments, and I was like, oh, these suck. And then, you know, like.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, it was all, like, single moms. That was.

[H. Foley]

That was pre Indian stepdad, though.

[Tom Segura]

Pre Indian stepdad.

[Kevin Ryan]

Stepdad is the funniest sentence I've ever heard.

[Tom Segura]

And my three Indian Indian stepsisters, actually.

[H. Foley]

That'S what he was saying. That's got to be a book. That's the name of someone like this.

[Kevin Ryan]

My Indian stepdad.

[Tom Segura]

It's. And then he was out of his fucking mind, you know?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, he's a criminal.

[Tom Segura]

He's a real criminal.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. She said they were, like, shooting out windows and flattening tires and shit.

[Tom Segura]

That ice cream. He loves his pistachio ice cream.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, she told us. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And then we pulled into a parking lot, and he's like, hold on a second. And then just stabbed the guy's tire. And then the crazier part to me is, like, that in of itself, you're like, that's super psychotic. Is that he gets in the car and that her mom was like, yeah, like, laughing. Yeah. And they were, like, in it together. Like, this guy owes me money.

[H. Foley]

Her dad, too. I mean, first of all, the story of her parents getting out.

[Tom Segura]

That's crazy. That's going to an internment camp.

[H. Foley]

That's nuts.

[Tom Segura]

Where now? Because they were. They were in an internment camp in Italy. And he's like, resents Italians so much. And I'm like, well, they. You were refugees.

[H. Foley]

I haven't Had a slice in 15 years.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, he's like, the Italians are the cockroaches of Europe. That's like his, his.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's his thing.

[Tom Segura]

He hates them. And you're like, yeah. They took you in, though. Yeah, but he's like, them, but yeah. Then to Canada. And then. Did she tell you the story about why they moved to the States? Yeah, it's like, it seems like it's out of a comedy. Because he's working in Windsor. Well, living in Windsor.

[H. Foley]

Forklifts.

[Tom Segura]

Because Canada. Well, no. So Canada. He's a mechanic. Right, Right. Canada, welcome. Is more welcoming to immigrants and refugees. So they settle in Windsor, Ontario, which is across the bridge basically from Detroit. From Detroit, right. So he's going into Detroit to work, but they're residing in Canada. He's like, one day I see a man in Detroit, a black guy, cool guy, with a nice coat and a feather in his hat. And you're like. You mean a pimp?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And. And he's. He's like, this is who I. This is who I would need to be with these guys. And you're like, pimps.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And they just get in the car and drive to California. So, like, that's.

[Kevin Ryan]

That was the inspiration.

[Tom Segura]

He was inspired by the pimp. And then went to California.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And then started pimping. Ism himself.

[Kevin Ryan]

How much?

[H. Foley]

I mean, sorry. Her life is crazy.

[Tom Segura]

It's crazy.

[H. Foley]

It's proper crazy.

[Kevin Ryan]

What. What is your role in that side of the family? Do you have what or what are your experiences with them?

[Tom Segura]

I mean, I don't know, there's a few things. Like, he passed.

[H. Foley]

Right. Her knee.

[Tom Segura]

And September passed and Indisseta passed. Her mother passed as well.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. So the first time I met her mother, what was funny to me was she was like, my mom's crazy. And I was like, yeah, my mom's crazy.

[Kevin Ryan]

Every mom's crazy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, like we're crazy. She's like, no, my mom's crazy. And I go, okay, so we've been dating, I don't know, a few months or something at that point. And she's like, okay, we're gonna go to this restaurant now. And she's like, again, you know, just so you know, I go, just relax, it's fine. So I got this. We go, we sit at this rest. Her mother comes in, she's got. Her hair's done, blonde lady, very nicely done. Like a. A well put together lady. Like, nice sweater, pearls.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. She said she was beautiful.

[Tom Segura]

Beautiful, you know, has her makeup, nails. Like she looks Very presentable. You. This is a nice, elegant woman in her probably, what, late 50s or something at the time. And I go, hi. And she's like, hi. And then she. Christina's here. I'm over here. She goes. And she does this little. She had this, like, little point with her. She goes, I went to Bloomingdale's and this. Tried to tell me. I was like, yo. And I look at her, and she goes, I told you. I told you. And I was like. And then she just, like, goes off. Goes off on the Bloomingdale's Wild. And she. Yeah, she had a wild mouth. The dad did, too.

[Kevin Ryan]

I mean, I don't think. I thought he was a saint, you know?

[H. Foley]

Yeah. She told us her dad would take her to Club Med.

[Tom Segura]

Club Med.

[Bert Kreischer]

Crazy.

[Tom Segura]

Crazy. First time I met her dad, this is. I can 100 tell you when this happened, because it must have been 2005, because I think that's the year that Michael Richards was on stage at the Laughter.

[Kevin Ryan]

That makes sense.

[Tom Segura]

And dropped the N bomb. And we went to his house the weekend after. He goes, what? The. The problem was saying that. I go. I go, what? And he goes, why? He's like, if somebody's an N word, why can't I say it? And I go, yeah. I go, right. He goes, there's one across the street. Look at his. Look at his lawn. And I go.

[Kevin Ryan]

Those Eastern Europeans, made by their own rules.

[Tom Segura]

They don't give a shit.

[Kevin Ryan]

They're like, words. What do you mean? It's like, so like, I was in an internment camp for 40 words. What?

[Tom Segura]

This guy's in trouble. I go, he's in big trouble.

[Kevin Ryan]

His. His life is ru.

[Tom Segura]

He's like, I don't get it. Anyway, how long you been dating my daughter? It's like, oh, man, this.

[H. Foley]

How long you been dating my daughter?

[Tom Segura]

This is nuts. So, yeah, they were pretty. They were, like, intense Eastern European, like, hardcore ones. And, yeah, her mom, you know, her mom was complicated. Like, she would be sweet, but also had this, like, sure. Fly off the handle. I remember one time she. She had ended up in the hospital. I think she had fainted at a lamp store or something like that. And we went to the hospital.

[Kevin Ryan]

Smells like a slip.

[Tom Segura]

And she goes, I had a stroke. I had a stroke. And we were like, oh. And then the doctor was like. He took us outside. He was like, she didn't have a stroke. And we were like, what? He's like, she didn't have a stroke. You know, she fell. But her mother, who was going through a Lot of things was like, the attention.

[Kevin Ryan]

Livia.

[H. Foley]

Gotcha.

[Tom Segura]

And then I made a fatal error, which is that I was bedside with her, and I decided to try to lighten the mood with a joke. And it was a sil. It was like a simple, playful joke. I was like, well, you know, when we get out of here, you know, would you like to go dancing or something? Maybe we can go for. Find a nice club to go dancing at tonight. And she was like, dancing. I had stroke. Nobody can dance. And I was like, oh. And I thought it would be, like, playfully dismissed.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. Like, oh, Tommy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah. Just like, something to like, you know, just lighten the mood. She got really, really mad about that. That, like, who's gonna dance if they had a stroke? I'm like, well, I don't know. But you didn't one. You didn't have a show, so. Yeah, that. But she got very mad about that. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. That was why. It was a great episode, man. Christina's awesome.

[Tom Segura]

She's great.

[Kevin Ryan]

It was the most requested longest away to get. And, like, we don't do episodes outside of the studio. Like, we've turned down a lot of people of like, no, just. We're not doing it.

[Tom Segura]

But there's this. There's a special level.

[Kevin Ryan]

But I was like, we have to, you know.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Because I'm not coming to New York. I'm like, I picked up on that over the past three.

[Tom Segura]

And she had all the shit that I know would.

[Kevin Ryan]

She showed up from the emergency room.

[H. Foley]

That's right.

[Kevin Ryan]

Josh said they had a point. We had to push it 30 minutes. She's like. She's. She's at the emergency room right now. Something, something. She's bleeding. And I'm like, we can stabbed her.

[H. Foley]

What's going on over there?

[Kevin Ryan]

We can cancel this.

[Tom Segura]

She told me. She goes, I cut myself. I just cut myself, by the way, with the same knife. So maybe we should get rid of these.

[Kevin Ryan]

Cigars are a little.

[Tom Segura]

And I. I filleted open my finger. It was gnarly. And I was trying to, like, just wrap it myself. And I was bleeding through it. I was like, I gotta go. So I. I went to urgent care and they put stere strips and everything on. I was just lazy, trying to slice something through my finger. She saw these. My kids are always grabbing scissors, screwdrivers.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. They sound like great kids. From what. I mean, I've never met them. You. I mean, I love you and Christina. These kids I hope I never meet. I hope by the time they're. By the Time. They're adults. They're in the. The correct facility.

[Tom Segura]

Those little, like, little electric cars that like kids drive power wheels. The miniature ones that you probably want, you zip around. So they have a couple older ones that like, they don't really use anymore. And I walk up the other day and they're just like. There's no steering wheel, there's two tires on.

[Kevin Ryan]

Took it to a chop shop.

[Tom Segura]

The door is off the other one. And I was like, what the happened? So I grabbed them, like, what happened? They were like, oh, we've been, we've been hitting them with hammers. I go, why? And they're like, they don't work. So we just, we put. We took them to the shop. And I go, who? What's the shop? And then they both pulled out hammers and they just like, you can't blame.

[H. Foley]

Good as new, Pop.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And I was like, this is cool, guys.

[H. Foley]

Man. Yeah, Terrors.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's funny.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. I mean, I've only. Yes. I mean, we were, we were just talking about it. The story where like, they ran through the construction site and like broke all the. And then, you know, you're just like, these kids, I mean, they.

[Tom Segura]

Little rascals.

[Kevin Ryan]

They sound like criminals, dude.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, Little rascals. Yeah, they got a lot of spunk. Stab their mother.

[Tom Segura]

You know their favorite thing to do with me, they call it torture time. So they go, it's torture time. And I go, okay, so that means you clear the bed. And I jump, I get on the bed and then they pummel me, right? But like, they get like really, like, they punch, they choke me. They like. And I'm supposed to like. I get to pin them. And then as soon as they go, hey, I have to let go. I was doing that and I had one leg locked like I had one, man.

[Kevin Ryan]

A dad's leg lock will fuck you up.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah. And I, and I, I stopped paying attention to him. And I'm with this guy and then I just. He's like, he just starts crying. I go, well, he goes, your ass.

[H. Foley]

Is close to my face.

[Tom Segura]

And I go, okay, okay, sorry. Then he calls for his mom, dad put me by his asshole. And I'm like, I didn't put you by my asshole. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Meet the Ciguras.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Yikes. Yeah. That was the first time that that ever happened. Somebody came in straight from the ER who should have went to the ER the night before.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

And then find out she, she and I. I know she was maybe doing it half jokingly, but also think Maybe she didn't want to admit this. She said she got bit by a snake. I don't think she wanted to admit that. That her son stabbed her.

[Tom Segura]

She. He went. He had a knife, and she went to grab it, and then he didn't let go. So then her hand went and sliced it.

[H. Foley]

Sure.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, there's been snakes, too. One time they. They caught a copperhead, which is crazy. And they put him in a cooler, and then they put on their own. Well, with her cousin. Her cousin's like, three years older than they.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's on their own.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And then they caught a copper, a copperhead, which is very dangerous. Put it in the cooler. Put the cooler on the trampoline. And then I go, what the. Why are you doing that? And then my nephew was like, I secured the premises. That's what he said. He goes, everything's secure.

[H. Foley]

Did you know there was a snake in the cooler?

[Tom Segura]

No. I go, what. What is that? What is that?

[Kevin Ryan]

Jesus.

[H. Foley]

Good thing.

[Tom Segura]

I'm like, dude, that could really.

[Kevin Ryan]

They could up the day.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that thing can up. Yeah, they up the rest of.

[H. Foley]

What would take something from yellow stuff.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Hey, dad, open this.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, they're. They're fun.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, it sounds. It sounds wild. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

They are the best, though, I gotta say. These. They are. They. All the stories I tell are like, people. People who don't have multiple boys go like, huh? And then every kid who. Everybody who has boys is like, yeah, Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

I mean, it was the same thing with me and my brother. Like, we were law. It was lawless. Yeah. My mom was a single mom. My dad was. You know, it was split custody, so it was like. I mean, at one point, they were like, we weren't allowed home alone together. I just, like, stay after school because we would just fist fight. Like, it would just be like. It would be hell in the cell until my mom got home.

[Tom Segura]

These how kids, like, adjust your. Your emotions. So yesterday I hear this banging, and I'm like, what is this? And I get out and they had taken, you know, like, stretch. Like workout bands. Yeah, they'd taken a band, and they put it around a different type of toy car, and they're pulling it, but it's hitting the walls. So I go, hey, guys, look at the wall. Like, it's all banged up. And I go, take that off. And, you know, don't do it again. And I go, now I have to have this touched up. Like, you. You up the wall. I have to pay for that. And then my oldest, he goes, I could do It. And I go, get the hammer. I got. No, I go, you don't. I don't want you to do it. I want it to look good so I would have a professional do it. He goes, it's just a little paint. I go again.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's also like, you're. You're getting in a fight with him.

[Tom Segura]

I go, it's not happening. You're not doing it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Listen, you don't have the steady hand to do that, okay?

[Tom Segura]

You're definitely not doing it. You're going to cost me money by doing this nonsense. And then I'm, you know, I'm fired up. And I go, yeah, just don't do, like that. He goes, or maybe don't get so upset about a little bit of paint.

[H. Foley]

Hey, maybe stop being a.

[Tom Segura]

And I'm like. And because he's right, he's not wrong.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're like, all the stuff you have going on, you're. You're worried about pain. I'm like, yeah, of course.

[H. Foley]

What are they, three years old apart?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, two and. Two and a half.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. Me and my dude, it was the same thing. We were nightmares. One year, we. We had just moved from upstate Pennsylvania down to outside of Philly. And the. The down by Philly, everything was way more expensive. So we were like. My parents were kind of struggling. Yeah, we're living in a townhouse. They were trying to give us a good life. They were working their asses off and all this stuff. And my mom, every year she would wrap all the Christmas presents, like, and put them. Hide some stuff, but put a majority of them in one of the, like, rooms downstairs, like, where she wrapped them up. But there'd be no labels on them. You know what I mean? So, like, oh, these are for your cousins and all that kind of stuff. My mom's working, like, a triple shift somewhere. My dad's away. Me and my brother are home by ourselves. Maybe we're like, 12. I'm 12, he's 14. And my brother walks in. I'm sitting there watching TV. He comes in, he's got a brand new sneaker in his hand. And I'm like, where the fuck did you get that? And he's like, come here. Brings us. Brings me into the room. He got a razor blade and slit open the presents, and we slid them out. So once we realized we could do that, we looked at every single one. I got this. I got Sega. I got this. Unbelievable. We piece it back together. Perfect crime. Don't do it right. We put it back. Next day, go to School, come home. Usually my mom's there. My dad doesn't get home until. Whenever he's sitting at the kitchen table, he's like, your mom's over at your aunt's. She's hysterically crying. Busted. Ruined Christmas. It was like one of those times. Like, no yelling.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Just quiet. Like, bad, bad.

[Kevin Ryan]

We did the same thing. But we me, we would start when starter jackets hit early 90s hot. My brother, same thing with this. Four years older than me. And here's a. My brother's a loose cat. Especially as a kid. He was a lunatic.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

So he. Same thing. He come upstairs, go back all the way into the deep behind the closet behind the clothes, starter jackets. And my mom's in the kitchen. And we walk. He's like, let's go downstairs with them on. I remember being like, this ain't a good. I was like, six. I'm like, I don't know. He's like, look at this. Look what I found. Mom. She's like, you, Pete, like, just broke down. First time I ever heard her say, you said you ruined Christmas. And I was like, all right, let's go to Dad's for a couple of days.

[Tom Segura]

Wow.

[H. Foley]

That's what boys do.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's tough. I mean, like, I look back at, like, what we did. To my mind also, because they were divorced. I was like, he would just be a dick to my mind. Like, now you just, you know, you're like a boy. You're like, I'll do whatever the fuck. There's no father figure in the house.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. One of my kids gave a C note to a kid in school the other day.

[H. Foley]

What?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

He's got that kind of cash.

[Tom Segura]

I. I was like, what the man? I go, what? He goes, hey, don't get upset. No one's upset. And I go, okay, what for? He's like, he's a good kid.

[Kevin Ryan]

Good kid. Smart kid. Could use it.

[H. Foley]

Straighten him out.

[Tom Segura]

I go, what are you talking about? Walking around, he's a really good kid. I just want to do something nice for him. I was like, you don't have to.

[H. Foley]

Do that for people.

[Tom Segura]

You don't have to give them cash.

[H. Foley]

Where do you get the 100 from?

[Tom Segura]

I don't fucking. No.

[Kevin Ryan]

He stole it from me.

[H. Foley]

Jesus.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I don't know, man. Yeah. I was like, okay. I go, can we just. I go, I'm not mad at you. Can we just make sure that we are not in the practice of giving cash?

[H. Foley]

Who dimes him out for something like that?

[Tom Segura]

Dude, school calls yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

They probably got them on speed dial, dude.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

They were walking around like Henry Hill.

[H. Foley]

To give what the kid. Write him out and say, hey, he gave me $100.

[Tom Segura]

I think a teacher saw it. Teacher saw it and was like, is that a hundred dollar bill? And they were like, yeah, what do.

[H. Foley]

You think, you dumb broad? I got twenties. Hey, it's a hundred. There's a little something for yourself. Keep the chocolate milk cold.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah. It was very.

[H. Foley]

Don't wear that perfume tomorrow either. I can't concentrate. Huh?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Trying to spell over here.

[H. Foley]

Giraffe.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know.

[H. Foley]

That's right.

[Tom Segura]

So, yeah, he. I don't know. Man, those kids are. Yeah, they're wild. That's funny. Wait, let's talk about money. Okay, so what's.

[Kevin Ryan]

Can I have some.

[Tom Segura]

What's going on?

[Kevin Ryan]

Get your son.

[H. Foley]

You're the kid in here.

[Tom Segura]

Is your spending out of control?

[H. Foley]

I mean, I'm not. We're not buying tigers or anything like that. You know, things happen quickly.

[Tom Segura]

Do you. Okay, so you're an impulse buyer. Is that the thing?

[H. Foley]

Is, am I in. I'm just an idiot, man. He's. He's been smart. He's been good.

[Kevin Ryan]

I. It took me like two years to.

[Tom Segura]

Last time I saw you, or at least we were podcasting, you were like. You were debating about a car. Do you remember this?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Like, I want to get this car. I don't know about that.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

But what did you end up getting?

[Kevin Ryan]

I got two.

[H. Foley]

What, you bought two?

[Kevin Ryan]

Oh, yeah, I bought two. Well, that car. So I had a Kia that got stolen by the Kia. Boys shout out to. The Kia.

[Tom Segura]

Boys shout out to.

[Kevin Ryan]

That got stolen. So I bought a used Mercedes from Carvana that I'm pretty sure was in a flood.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

Little swampy, a little musty.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

But the way I look at it is, like, I've never had a nice car. I've always. I've always had. The first new car I ever had was a Kia. Before that, I had, like, a Mercury Montego. And before that, I had a Chevy Lumina. Actually had three Chevy Luminance. I kept crashing and then. But they were like 800 lumen. They were like 800 bucks at the time.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

So I would crash them and then. Or they break or whatever. And then my mom be like, I can give you 400 bucks to a new Lumina.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

I just had to come up with another four out. So we just kept replacing Lumina's with Luminas. And so then I bought Alumina. I thought, you know.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Cuz, you know, people buy nice cars and I don't. I'm not like a car guy by any means.

[H. Foley]

And I just smoke cigs in there too.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, you gotta. It's a fucking car. It's a 95 Chevy Lumina, dude. You know, put a little 50 cent and relive.

[Tom Segura]

You have a new. You got a new one?

[Kevin Ryan]

No, I bought a 95.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, you bought it?

[Kevin Ryan]

Cost me eight grand to buy a 1995.

[Tom Segura]

How's it running?

[Kevin Ryan]

It wouldn't. It wouldn't get out of reverse last time I. Yeah, that's it. I got. I got like a powder blue one of those.

[Tom Segura]

It wouldn't get out of reverse.

[Kevin Ryan]

Nah. So it's not. It's not inspection.

[H. Foley]

Who's running away, huh? Moving forward, baby.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, so.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. So that. That cost me. That was like a big thing for my childh though. Like I just was like, that will be cool. I just want to zip around with my boys and just like.

[Tom Segura]

Do you do any type of saving?

[Kevin Ryan]

I do. The one thing I was able to do well, I bought a house.

[Tom Segura]

Oh.

[Kevin Ryan]

I bought a house in the suburbs. A little. Little fixer upper.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

That'll be like the plan to get out of the city at some point. Because the city is.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Going to. Dude, is it crazy?

[Tom Segura]

Why?

[Kevin Ryan]

Currently in my neighborhood actively for like three weeks, four weeks now. There's a guy just running around taunting women.

[Tom Segura]

Is the word taunting.

[Kevin Ryan]

Just like you. I'll kill you. And then like scaring away. Don't you know? And the cops are like, we can't do anything.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. You're allowed to say that.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're allowed to say like. You know what I mean? Like, you're allowed to tell a baby you're gonna kill it. And that's what he's doing.

[Tom Segura]

Cool.

[Kevin Ryan]

So they can't arrest him. So he's just wandering around doing that.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

So like the plan would be in a couple of years, you know, start spending more time in the. In the burbs.

[Tom Segura]

But I like it.

[Kevin Ryan]

So I've been able to. And it's just. It's.

[H. Foley]

I going anywhere.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's funny because it's a long time. He's jammed up. It's. There are a sponsor but acorns shout out to. I downloaded that through. I'm just as bad as money with him.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

I've. The way like we. Way I look at it. Like I've been. I've spent every dollar I've ever made.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Up until, like, two years ago.

[Tom Segura]

Say not now. Right now. You're not spent.

[Kevin Ryan]

Two years ago. I had to clean up. We were. It was tag. It was taxes. We were just. Because I was still running the books at the time, which we got a. But I'm pretty good. But it got above my pay grade.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

And we were. It was coming in and I'm just going, here, take care if. I'll take care if. We'll figure this out next year.

[H. Foley]

And I've never learned anything like.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[H. Foley]

I vaguely remember having an accounting class in high school, but I don't. I know I didn't pass it, so I have it.

[Tom Segura]

But now that you. Now that, like, you've been doing this for the podcast has obviously grown. It's become successful. You're. You're selling tickets on the road. Are you. When you get money now, do you put some aside for, like, taxes and. Or.

[Kevin Ryan]

Well, we got a business manager.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, we took. Yeah, we took that out of our control.

[Kevin Ryan]

So he doesn't.

[Tom Segura]

He's doing.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's new. So that's this year. This year is the first year I don't have to kind of wipe out my savings to pay taxes.

[Tom Segura]

Good.

[Kevin Ryan]

So that's pretty cool.

[Tom Segura]

And then he should be also easy talking to you about a pension.

[Kevin Ryan]

Not there yet.

[Tom Segura]

No, like the. Like, you don't have to start with a lot, but, like, just contributing because, you know, we were saying, I'm 49.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

He's gonna. He's gonna have to tap into it like six years. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

I got the acorns. Well, when I'm 88, I'll have a couple of milk.

[Kevin Ryan]

He looks at that. Because they give you. If you keep the. If you keep contributing this, it'll be whatever.

[Tom Segura]

Look, there's no. You're never too late to contribute to something that you can tap into after your retirement age. That's what I'm saying. You're not going to want to hustle the same level when you're an older guy. Right.

[Kevin Ryan]

So. Sure.

[H. Foley]

I am an older.

[Kevin Ryan]

He is an older guy. He's older than you.

[H. Foley]

Am I. I guess I'm 49.

[Tom Segura]

Well, then. Yeah. What are you, 45?

[H. Foley]

He's doing pretty good.

[Tom Segura]

I just have a lot more gray.

[Kevin Ryan]

This guy's all right. Yeah. I mean, we'll be all right. Yeah, I think you will be.

[H. Foley]

I have just bad was. I'm just.

[Tom Segura]

All I'm saying is this.

[H. Foley]

Like, I'm in panic mode now.

[Tom Segura]

I learned this, too. I learned this, too. I learned this, too. Which is like, I've had different business managers and stuff. Nobody.

[Kevin Ryan]

Do you trust them? I trust my guy, I think, but blindly.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

I just know he uses other guy like me. It's my friend's guy. Like, he's the arts, our peers guy.

[Tom Segura]

And I'm like, no, if you have a good.

[Kevin Ryan]

Listen, he's not going to be stealing 10 grand for me. He's going to be stealing that guy's 10 million.

[Tom Segura]

This is what you learn.

[Kevin Ryan]

Learn.

[Tom Segura]

What you learn is that you can hire the absolute best, best, best of the best, and nobody will ever look after your money like you, with more concern than you. Right.

[H. Foley]

I don't know if that's true.

[Tom Segura]

All. All you have to do. What I'm saying is. Yes, have you. You should trust somebody. If this is a trustworthy person, trust them. Right, but ask for a, A monthly report.

[Kevin Ryan]

Look, I got access to the. But I'm so nuts. I got access to. So then we moved banks to like, you know, they move it to like, they don't use TD bank, right? They go to. They go to rich guy banks that don't have storefronts, which is shady to begin with.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

I used to work for very wealthy rich families and they were all. It's like Sterling bank or, you know, all these things.

[Tom Segura]

You're like, where's that?

[Kevin Ryan]

Well, yeah, give me an ATM card. Let me go get my cash. But they don't do that.

[Tom Segura]

But ask. Here's what I'm saying. Ask for like a monthly.

[Kevin Ryan]

Well, I have access to the. I have a login to the account.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. But then also, I'm so nuts.

[Kevin Ryan]

I think they might make that up. Just like.

[Tom Segura]

No, they're not making it up. They're not making it up.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm crazy, though. In my head, I'm like, if I was robbing you, yeah. I would go make a fake fucking landing page that says he has this much money and make a list of transactions.

[Tom Segura]

Well, look, it might be a Ponzi scheme and in which case, you know, best of luck. But in the, in the idea that it's not, which I hope it's not, and there's somebody who's taking care of you. Just. All I'm saying is ask for things and ask questions. And you are only going to get where you want to be if you tell this person what your goals are. Because what will happen is if you go my. I'm just giving example. If you're like, my goal is like, I want to buy a house in this neighborhood. And you don't mention it. Things are happening, and then when all of a sudden you want to do it, they're like, well, we didn't know that. Like, they can help you structure.

[H. Foley]

I don't know what that is, though. I don't know what my goals are. A little cash on me. Okay, well, walking around, do you have any debt? I ask you personal questions.

[Tom Segura]

Well, I'm saying that could be a goal.

[H. Foley]

I got a credit card bill. I pay it, though.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. I'm saying, I'm giving you examples.

[Kevin Ryan]

Non revolving debt. Do you have any longer term?

[H. Foley]

What's non revolving?

[Kevin Ryan]

Like, that's not due at the end of every month. See, I know that. Revolving debt.

[H. Foley]

Why wouldn't it be due at the end of the month?

[Kevin Ryan]

Like a car loan isn't revolving debt.

[H. Foley]

I got a lease.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, that's fine.

[H. Foley]

I got my rent.

[Tom Segura]

Do you want to not have to work one day?

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. That'd be one of your goals. Then tell them that. Tell them that.

[H. Foley]

I could do that now.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay, let's go back.

[Tom Segura]

Do you have a house?

[H. Foley]

No.

[Tom Segura]

Then maybe you want to get one one day.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I'm just saying to tell them. Tell them what you have on your mind. Don't assume that they'll know what it is your goal is. That's all I'm saying.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure. No, I agree. I agree. I actually just did that. I was like, hey, man, what would it look like if I got it? Like, when can I buy an apartment? Yeah, right. Just because rent New York.

[Tom Segura]

So crazy.

[Kevin Ryan]

Running the. Just running the scenarios. Because he's like, these are the stuff you need to think about.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

So I go, what would that look like? And he sent it back. He's like, send me one. You like a very modest one. Like one or two bedroom, you know, really? Like a one and a half bedroom.

[Tom Segura]

And what did it look like? It.

[Kevin Ryan]

Look, he was like, well, scenario one, you put this one down, and this is what you're left with. Like. Like, this is what you're left with.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

And this is what you're left with. And this is what you're left with. And then they. All three of them were in the red.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Like, he'd be like, you'd be Left with negative $25,000.

[H. Foley]

Okay. And I. I didn't.

[Kevin Ryan]

Well, yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

But here's the thing.

[Kevin Ryan]

He doesn't think, but, like, I have money in, like, at 8, like a retirement account. I'm like, well, let's cash that out and buy a house.

[Tom Segura]

No, no, no, no, no.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, that's the rich guys don't think like that.

[H. Foley]

What do you mean?

[Tom Segura]

Don't do that.

[Kevin Ryan]

No, I wasn't. Nice. Shake it up.

[H. Foley]

I shake it up. I didn't involve him in the planning of. Of my wedding, which, looking back, that.

[Kevin Ryan]

Would have been a good time. Yeah, he was hitting them up for payments early.

[Tom Segura]

What did this wedding look like?

[H. Foley]

Beautiful. Tommy really had a nice time.

[Tom Segura]

It's Hawaii.

[H. Foley]

It's Hawaii.

[Tom Segura]

Beautiful place.

[H. Foley]

Beautiful.

[Tom Segura]

You get married on the beach?

[H. Foley]

Yeah. Place called Lani Koanua, in. In. In Oahu, over at Koalina.

[Tom Segura]

Beautiful, gorgeous.

[Kevin Ryan]

And I gotta. I gotta give it to the fans. I thought it was gonna be a clusterfuck.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

He's never planned anything really, for the tours, the show. Like, you know, he's.

[H. Foley]

Which I didn't really plan any of it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure. But I'm just like, this guy can't book flights. Like, how. How is this all gonna go off without a. Yeah. You know? And I mean, do they. We got there to say the ceremony was whatever, 4 to 4, 20, right. If then at the end you go and get a drink. Little 10 minutes of cocktail hour.

[H. Foley]

Former lieutenant governor did the wedding. A nice quartet.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sun starts going down, greeting drinks. You see the sunset perfectly hit the horizon. 15 minutes. Everybody pay for that? That wasn't cheap.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah. No, none of it is. Weddings are, you know.

[H. Foley]

How much does it cost to get a sunset? How.

[Tom Segura]

Wait, how many guests?

[H. Foley]

150.

[Kevin Ryan]

Shit.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

I told you briefly. I walked in, I went, who the fuck is paying for. This is crazy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it was.

[H. Foley]

You are dickhead.

[Kevin Ryan]

I know.

[Tom Segura]

That's incredible.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're gonna have me work until I'm fucking 70?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

He keeps going. We need a Big Year. You need a Big Year.

[Tom Segura]

Four years.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, it was. Yeah. I didn't. I just didn't understand it. I mean, I'm an idiot. You know what I mean? We. This, you know, this is the first thing that's worked out for us. We can't be. Can't be more grateful.

[Kevin Ryan]

Course.

[H. Foley]

And. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's like it was kind of there. Like, all right.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

You know, then it just kind of adds up. And then, you know, man. What? It was really getting close. I was like, fuck, Am I going to be able to physically pay for this?

[Tom Segura]

So what happens?

[Kevin Ryan]

He was it. We get like a monthly check, like, deposit. Sure. You know, we'll. We'll take the Rand and pay all the other stuff. Dude, it was like November. He's like, can I get December and January as well, there's some of good faith.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

If that didn't happen, I would have.

[Kevin Ryan]

It would have been.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, it would have been bad.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

And I came back in January, like, ew, straighten me out. Because here was the thing, and it was.

[Kevin Ryan]

He was working with it. He's like, what do you need? Oh, you can. We can, like, the. The business managers, like, we can figure this out. You know what I mean?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm gonna let you be bouncing checks. And Honolulu.

[H. Foley]

The main panic was, and I didn't realize this as we were getting closer to the. To the finish line, is that, you know, we got a room block for everybody that was coming over. Okay. Which everybody, I mean, got banged out. I got my whole family flying to Hawaii at Christmas. These guys came in for, like, three days.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay? I came in for, like, had to leave 55 hours.

[H. Foley]

Everybody's a little tense, but wedding was beautiful. Everybody had a great time. But I never did a room block before. I just assumed that if you get a room block, you're getting, like, a special, you know, you, little discount because you got people coming in. It turns out that whatever I tell them, like, if I say, hey, I want 75 nights, you know, broken, you know, broken up, like, you know, ten nights. Ten nights. Ten nights, you know, whatever. I'm responsible for that.

[Kevin Ryan]

Dude.

[H. Foley]

He was 75 nights at a hotel, at a beachfront hotel at Christmas in Hawaii. Oh, my God. I signed the contract. And then I was, like, talking to the lady, and I'm like, so wait, what does this. What does this mean? She's like, well, you know, if for some reason that you only hit, like, you know, say, 50 nights, you're going to be financially responsible for those other 25 nights.

[Tom Segura]

Holy.

[H. Foley]

So around, I would say, August of this year, I was basically working for this hotel, pitching to my family.

[Kevin Ryan]

People started dropping like flies, too.

[Tom Segura]

They did?

[H. Foley]

Yeah. Oh, we're gonna stay over here. All my friends got it. Your friends got a place, got the pool.

[Bert Kreischer]

What are you talking about?

[Tom Segura]

So how many did you have to end up covering because you.

[H. Foley]

None. It all worked out.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, it all worked out. Oh, it would have.

[Tom Segura]

No, that's stressful. That is stressful. Just thinking about it, I just.

[H. Foley]

I just would have swam out in the ocean and just kept going. I would have been done.

[Tom Segura]

If they were, like, good news. You only have to pay for 19 nights for people that didn't come.

[H. Foley]

Let me put you this way. When we got back from the. When we got back from the wedding, I was. I Was on the bed fucking ripping open envelopes.

[Tom Segura]

Holy shit.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, that's. Yeah, but it was nice. Good, good times. And we.

[Kevin Ryan]

Kippy, we had a good time.

[Tom Segura]

You had a good time.

[Kevin Ryan]

Beautiful.

[Tom Segura]

What's. Let me ask you this because the. For everybody watching right now, you're either gonna know that tomorrow or if you're seeing this after that. There's a special out on YouTube. It's on the Ru. Garbage YouTube page.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

It's the Route 66 tour special. So it encompasses, like a bunch of stuff you guys did on the road. You documented like a whole tour. What happens now? It comes out. Are you guys going back on the road? What's. What's.

[H. Foley]

Yeah, we're resuming our regular tour. We go back out. We go back out in early. Early March to do a run. We're going to do a run in April. We're going to take a little time off in the summer from the road. And then we got. We got an AC show. And then we'll. We'll start back up touring in the fall.

[Kevin Ryan]

Pick back up in the fall. But yeah, back. You know, this.

[H. Foley]

This was different. This was our big thing again. Also.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Financially irresponsible. We sunk everything we had into this.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Like. Yeah. Also another thing we're doing.

[H. Foley]

What are we doing here?

[Kevin Ryan]

So our new. The one thing we want to do as a, you know, is we want to buy. We're like, let's buy a conversion.

[H. Foley]

Do you have an Acorns account?

[Kevin Ryan]

So you want to buy what, a conversion van? Because that's a trashy thing, you know? So we're like, all right. So you start looking. Those things ain't g. I know. The. The new. They're like 80 grand.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Nice, though.

[Kevin Ryan]

So I run that by the business manager.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

And he's like, absolutely. What? Absolutely not. He's like, you got to insure this thing. You got to put it in a garage in New York. I'm like, yeah, but, like, we'll just pay a guy to drive us to whole drive to Pittsburgh. Yeah, we'll land in Pittsburgh then. Because we do like strings of one nighters.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Kevin Ryan]

You know what I mean? Like, clubs are on the weekend, theaters on the weekend. So it's like we're out for a week. Like, you're paying sprinter. I'm like, this guy, I'll just buy. I'll just get my buddy Ryan to just drive us around the Midwest.

[H. Foley]

He's like, saving that new brush and shit.

[Kevin Ryan]

He's like, dude, there's no way this will ever financially make sense. He's like, you're going out on the road, 30 cities next year, right? I'm like, yeah, sure. He's like, that means it's. You use it one month out of 12 months.

[H. Foley]

It's got captain chair.

[Kevin Ryan]

He's like, yeah. Which is nice, right? Swivels, got a TV in it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

I want to be able to sit in the captain's chair in the back. Right. And turn around and talk to the boys.

[Tom Segura]

I. I conduct business. I'm a fan of it, you know?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. We're doing it. Against his better judgment.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, you are doing it.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

We're gonna buy it this week. So he's like, well, it'll be with.

[H. Foley]

Us in Pontiac, Michigan.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, exactly.

[Tom Segura]

So he's like, is that the first game?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah. We literally have our idiot friend. He's like. He's like, this sounds like the best. I'll leave two days early, and I'm meeting. I'll pick him.

[Tom Segura]

How much, Savannah?

[Kevin Ryan]

It's. Well, we haven't got it yet, but they're about 80.

[H. Foley]

It's gonna be a car payment.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, car payment a month.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. You're gonna put something down.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't know. So that's why I was talking to the business manager.

[H. Foley]

Not that.

[Kevin Ryan]

Now it's a GMC Sierra Nerds. Savannah, right there. Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Oh, that's clean living right there.

[Kevin Ryan]

Pulling up in one of them, like, B.A.

[H. Foley]

Baracus.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. That is kind of a garbage, right?

[Kevin Ryan]

It's, like, fun.

[H. Foley]

It's like, ours doesn't have that tent on the top, does it?

[Kevin Ryan]

That's where you're staying. No.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And it's all, like, sweet on the inside.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's, like, all, like, leather, and it got captain's chairs, TV speaker, the whole nine radio, ac. Oh, yeah.

[H. Foley]

Rack and pinion steering.

[Kevin Ryan]

But don't like.

[Tom Segura]

I like that. You point out. It's got ac. Those. Those are hard to find these days.

[H. Foley]

I got two words for you. Power windows. All right.

[Kevin Ryan]

But the one thing is, you know, you travel, you're in different car. You're just.

[Tom Segura]

All the time.

[Kevin Ryan]

And I go, if that's just our car for the. For the Midwest to the east coast, and that's just what we're in all the time. That's not. It's like a home away from home.

[Tom Segura]

One thing that is cra. Like, somebody pointed this out to me. I forget who it was. I was on the road one time, and another comic was staying at the same hotel. This is, like, 10 years ago. And we were playing different places, and I go, are they coming to pick you up? And he was like, oh, no, no, no. He's like, no one ever picks me up. And I thought he meant, like, disrespectfully. I was like, what? He goes, oh, I refuse. Yeah, like, what do you mean, you refuse? He's like, these don't know how to drive. They're nuts. I rent a car in every city I go to. And I was like, you're out of your mind, right? Ten years later, every other time I get picked up in a city, it is some yahoo who is, like, talking to me.

[Kevin Ryan]

They don't care.

[Tom Segura]

I'm like, you're a professional driver. Like, brake, check in. Like, just driving like an asshole. And half the time, like, I'll ask when we get. I'm like, if the drive isn't far, I'll be like, hey, can I rent the car? Yeah, I'll just drive myself. I'd rather be behind the wheel.

[Kevin Ryan]

We'll do, like. We'll get, like, a sprinter or something. We're like, oh, we're going, like, three hours between cities. It's like, just get a sprinter and those guys. You go, hey, can you slow down?

[Tom Segura]

That's another thing.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's so d. Like, they're like, we're all looking, then we're going. Can you tell him? You say it. And it's like, we're, like, afraid to be like, buddy, I know. And then they go, no, no, no. That's the. It's that guy's fault. It's. I'm doing a speed limit. I'm like, you're doing 90?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

No, we had a dude stop for gas not that long ago. We had a show in Red Bank. We drove from the city. Guys, I got to get gas. He got disappeared for, like, 20 minutes.

[Kevin Ryan]

After 15 minutes of being in the cars, like, I gotta stop and get gas. I'm like, the hell's going on here?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, there's a lot of fucking. All right.

[Kevin Ryan]

It shows. My thing is like, hey, we got a driver that we know and can trust and can communicate with. Yes, we. If we know what kind of car we're in.

[Tom Segura]

Your friend will do this.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

He's not chomping at the bed.

[Kevin Ryan]

He goes, ah. He's like, ah, that. That sounds like the coolest thing in the world.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. Conversion van.

[Kevin Ryan]

We're all. You know, it's the boys. The boys are.

[Tom Segura]

You know how many people will travel in the van?

[Kevin Ryan]

It's getting more. It's good. It's getting more and more, dude. Yeah. So we go. It'll be six of us.

[Tom Segura]

Us. Okay.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, It'll be six of us. 2. Producer. It'll be me. Him, a producer.

[Tom Segura]

Well, your business manager will be a lot happier with this purchase if you use it for a lot more transportation.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure.

[Tom Segura]

You know what I mean?

[Kevin Ryan]

Well, that's the thing. It's like, you also landed six guys. You're like, we got to rent a car for a week or whatever. G. It's just, you know, I'm trying.

[H. Foley]

To sell it all that.

[Kevin Ryan]

It doesn't make sense financially, but it's fun. We've. We kind of made a oath of, like, let's just spend money on being stupid and fun.

[H. Foley]

That's what the whole show's about. That is what I mean.

[Kevin Ryan]

We'd be stupid to have a 401k. Let's get a GMC Sienna.

[Tom Segura]

There you go.

[H. Foley]

I wouldn't even know how to go about that.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah. If you don't know, just don't do it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, yeah. Don't ask the guy. Don't ask the guy.

[H. Foley]

Plus, I don't like the retirement thing. It's like, you can't take it out till a certain age.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah. What I know.

[H. Foley]

I mean, clock's ticking, you know what I mean?

[Tom Segura]

On all of us.

[H. Foley]

Yeah. I need access to that cage now.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Retirement.

[H. Foley]

I gotta. I got a Florida in Hawaii looking for me.

[Tom Segura]

I would love to see the bills, man. It's.

[H. Foley]

We were getting. I thought I had it all mapped out. We flew from New York to, I think, was it Minneapolis, and then got on. Got a. Got on a. Had a layover in Minneapolis, got on a plane. We're flying in. I got it all mapped out. Everything's been taken out. All the final payments are done.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

We're literally about to take off, you know, And I'm gonna. I'm gonna lose my Internet. I look at my American Express bill and I go white. Something was just like an invoice when I thought I paid it, but I didn't. And I'm like, man, this is gonna fuck everything up. And then we get. I'm like, wait, wait, I thought this was taken out. Whatever. We get into a huge fight on our way there, and then I lose it.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's good times.

[H. Foley]

I'm trying to text. I'm trying to text the, you know, the vendor. Like, what did you double charge me? Whatever. And I lose it. Man. Talk about a long flight.

[Tom Segura]

It's a long flight. I remember the before, like, this is 2007. I had miles and I had, like, I don't know, points or something, and I figured out the pr and I. I went to Hawaii with Christina, and she was like, this place is. I was like, yeah, it's no problem.

[Kevin Ryan]

No big deal.

[Tom Segura]

And I had calculated that this trip with whatever I was doing was going to cost me three, three thousand dollars. And then when I checked out. You know, you forget things that. Like, breakfast.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure, 29 bucks a clip per person.

[H. Foley]

More like a big breakfast, too.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it's like. It was. And then I'm checking out, and they're like, here's your bill. And it was like, 7, 500. I was like. And I didn't say anything. I just was like. And I left. And then, I don't know, six months later, I was still being like. And. And I believe that. Yeah. That bill went to collections.

[Kevin Ryan]

Sure.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah, man. And then they called me.

[Kevin Ryan]

I still got some stuff in collection.

[Tom Segura]

And I paid it. I paid it. And the guy. I was like, I paid that off. He's like, oh, the guy on the phone, he goes, oh, you a big baller, little. He's like, your big ball. You paid that off. I was like, what?

[Kevin Ryan]

I was like, just taunting you.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, he was taunting.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's great.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I was like, yeah.

[H. Foley]

My. My activities leading up to this as far as, like, exploring different avenues of, you know, maybe loans or whatever, has now led to. My phone gets blown up. I am on some list of. I am on the huge sucker list somewhere. I have these random. Hey, you're almost approved for this. You wanna. Dude. I mean, I get like five a day. And I'm answering them because I'm like, take me off your list. I didn't apply for this.

[Kevin Ryan]

But we try to explain to them that that's a positive to them. They go, he answered. You were one in 5,000 that answered. So they're gonna go, this fat idiot's gonna give up. At some point. This guy, he's gonna be behind the eight ball and go, you can get me 10 grand today. All right, I'll do it.

[Tom Segura]

This guy likes to swipe. That's what they know. They're like, this guy swipes this card.

[H. Foley]

Give me 30 APR and I'll consider it. If not, I'm losing money.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's amazing. All right, well, thank you guys for coming.

[H. Foley]

Thank you, buddy. We love you.

[Tom Segura]

We love you guys. Are you garbage? Route 66 Tour Special comes out February 25th. It's on their YouTube channel. Make sure you check it out. Make sure you listen and follow. Are you garbage? And we'll see you guys soon. Thank you.

[H. Foley]

Thank you, buddy.

[Kevin Ryan]

One goes tops while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and burts the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean.

[Bert Kreischer]

Here's what we call two bears, one cave.