Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Summary

Podcast Summary: Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Title: Matt McCusker's Wild Drug Dealing Stories
Podcast: 2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Host: YMH Studios
Release Date: December 16, 2024

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Introduction

In this episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave, hosts Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer welcome comedian Matt McCusker as a guest, stepping in for Bert who is currently engaged elsewhere. Matt, known for his sharp wit and engaging storytelling, shares his tumultuous past in drug dealing, gambling addiction, and personal growth journey.

Business Savviness and Comedic Entrepreneurship

The conversation kicks off with Matt discussing the dual role of being a comedian and a small business owner. Both hosts emphasize the importance of viewing oneself as an entrepreneur to maintain professionalism and avoid becoming a commodity.

Tom Segura [01:15]: "All of us, if you do stand up, whether you see it this way or not, it doesn't matter. It's objectively true. You're an entrepreneur. Like, your business is what you. Your comedy and how you present it and everything. But you're a business owner."

Personal Anecdotes: The Shaved Beard Incident

Tom shares a humorous yet awkward experience where he shaved his beard for a show, only to receive negative reactions from strangers who couldn’t recognize him.

Tom Segura [02:22]: "I was just like, this guy's wanted."

This story highlights the unpredictable nature of personal appearance changes and the humorous side of public interactions.

The United Healthcare CEO Shooting: Public Reactions and Motives

A significant portion of the discussion revolves around the recent shooting of the United Healthcare CEO. Matt and Tom delve into the societal reactions, the motivations behind such acts, and the broader implications for corporate culture.

Matt McCusker [04:06]: "People are pumped. Yeah, it's really crazy."

They explore the disconnect between public outrage and the actual impact of the CEO's actions, questioning the effectiveness of such extreme measures in addressing corporate grievances.

City Culture Clash: Philadelphia, Baltimore, and Tokyo

The hosts compare the cultural atmospheres of Northeastern cities like Philadelphia and Baltimore with Tokyo, emphasizing how weather and societal norms influence the general mood and interactions within these cities.

Tom Segura [15:03]: "Weather affects the shit out of people."

They highlight Tokyo's exceptional culinary standards and the meticulous pride locals take in their work, contrasting it with the often abrasive dynamics observed in U.S. cities.

Japanese Cuisine: Excellence and Perception

Tom shares his awe-inspiring experiences with Japanese cuisine, particularly sushi, lauding the unparalleled quality and the cultural dedication to culinary perfection.

Tom Segura [18:31]: "Everything was the best I've ever had."

This segment underscores the cultural differences in food appreciation and the high standards maintained in Japanese culinary practices.

Personal Health and Lifestyle Changes

Matt opens up about his recent diagnosis of prediabetes, attributing it to his high carbohydrate intake and familial genetics. He discusses his commitment to reversing his condition through strict dietary changes and the challenges it poses to his lifestyle.

Matt McCusker [22:15]: "I need to go to Japan. I need someone to show me how to eat."

This honest reflection highlights the struggles of maintaining health amidst personal habits and the influence of family health history.

Gambling Addiction: High Stakes and Psychological Impact

A deep dive into Matt's and Tom's gambling experiences reveals the addictive nature of high-stakes betting. They share stories of significant wins and devastating losses, illustrating the emotional rollercoaster and the thin line between thrill and addiction.

Tom Segura [35:10]: "I went to do a show in Vegas and pre show, went to these tables and won $7,000."

Their candid discussions shed light on the psychological effects of gambling and the difficulty in managing the highs and lows associated with it.

Drug Dealing Past: Risks and Realities

Matt recounts his dangerous past in drug dealing, primarily focusing on selling marijuana. He describes the constant threats of robbery, the stress of managing large quantities, and the eventual realizations that led him away from this illicit lifestyle.

Matt McCusker [38:07]: "People are getting DUIs. It's like people couldn't just chill."

This section highlights the inherent risks and moral dilemmas faced by those involved in drug trafficking, emphasizing the personal toll it takes.

Personal Appearance and Recognition Stories

Returning to lighter topics, Tom shares an amusing encounter where he was barely recognized without his beard, emphasizing how significant physical changes can impact personal interactions.

Tom Segura [48:32]: "I was like, hey, man. I say something to him. He's like, I can't."

This story adds a humorous touch to the conversation, showcasing the unpredictability of public recognition based on appearance.

Family Life and Childhood Memories

The hosts delve into stories about their children, reflecting on the challenges and joys of parenthood. They share anecdotes about their kids' unique characteristics and humorous incidents from their childhoods that shaped their personalities.

Matt McCusker [52:15]: "My friend was there a bunch of times, and he was like, yeah. You know, there's parts of it that were fun, but he's like, mostly it was horrible."

These heartfelt stories provide a personal glimpse into their lives beyond the stage, fostering a deeper connection with the audience.

Humorous Exchanges on Penis Size and Social Interactions

In a lighter and more humorous segment, Matt and Tom engage in playful banter about penis size, sharing funny and awkward encounters they've had related to this sensitive topic.

Tom Segura [63:05]: "I don't do anything like, just grab your son up and, like, just give us that."

This segment is marked by their typical comedic style, blending humor with relatable social scenarios.

Conclusion

The episode wraps up with Matt expressing gratitude for his transformative journey from a risky past to a stable life in comedy, emphasizing the importance of personal growth and resilience.

Matt McCusker [44:57]: "But now you can walk around, go, man, can you believe I got this clean money?"

The hosts encourage listeners to support Matt's tour and explore his other comedic ventures, ending the episode on a positive and uplifting note.

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Notable Quotes:

• Tom Segura [01:15]: "All of us, if you do stand up, whether you see it this way or not, it doesn't matter. It's objectively true. You're an entrepreneur."
• Matt McCusker [04:06]: "People are pumped. Yeah, it's really crazy."
• Tom Segura [15:03]: "Weather affects the shit out of people."
• Tom Segura [18:31]: "Everything was the best I've ever had."
• Matt McCusker [22:15]: "I need to go to Japan. I need someone to show me how to eat."
• Tom Segura [35:10]: "I went to do a show in Vegas and pre show, went to these tables and won $7,000."
• Matt McCusker [38:07]: "People are getting DUIs. It's like people couldn't just chill."

This episode provides a compelling mix of humor, personal storytelling, and insightful discussions, making it a must-listen for fans of candid and engaging comedy podcasts.

Transcript

[Bert Kreischer]

100%.

[Tom Segura]

What's up, everybody? This is AI Tom. This episode was recorded before they identified the goofball who shot the United Healthcare CEO. Stay proud. Stay black. Bert is fat. Welcome to another episode, 2 Bears 1K. My regular co host is actually speaking at a Nazi rally in Ohio. And sitting in for him is the great Matt McCusker, everybody. Let him hear it. Before I forget, you can get tickets to see matt. Matt McCusker dot com. He's on the road. And of course, you can listen to Matt and Shane's secret podcast wherever podcasts are available.

[Matt McCusker]

Never gets old saying that, does it, right?

[Tom Segura]

Wherever they're available, Wherever they're anywhere.

[Matt McCusker]

Anywhere.

[Tom Segura]

So many places.

[Matt McCusker]

Go to my computer and access the files themselves.

[Tom Segura]

You can get the original MP3s from that. And you guys are huge Patreon guys, too.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, big Patreon guys.

[Tom Segura]

So your business savvies?

[Matt McCusker]

I think so. I think we're pretty savvy.

[Tom Segura]

I think you are too.

[Matt McCusker]

That's what I always tell myself, man. Whenever I get too spun out about all the, like, personality bullshit, I always just say, look, I'm a. I'm a small business owner. What do you want from me? I'm just running a small business, dude.

[Tom Segura]

I've told so many people that I think all of us, if you do stand up, whether you see it this way or not, it doesn't matter. It's objectively true. You're an entrepreneur. Like, your business is what you. Your comedy and how you present it and everything. But you're a business owner.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You know, that's.

[Matt McCusker]

I feel like it takes the heat off. Otherwise you become the commodity. And if people don't. Yeah, that's where it gets personal. Like, this sucks. You're like, well, it's me. I'm the product. And I don't really appreciate you saying that very much.

[Tom Segura]

This reminds me of when I shaved my face a few weeks ago and everyone was like, I hate your face. I go, this is my face.

[Matt McCusker]

It's my face, not a turkey sandwich. This is my face.

[Tom Segura]

And people were. This guy came up to me at a bar and he goes, fucking. It's good. The beard's back. And I go, yeah. And he goes, yeah, that was bad. And I go, it wasn't that bad. He goes, nah, it was bad. And I go, what the fuck, man?

[Matt McCusker]

Why are you doing this to me?

[Tom Segura]

He's like, it looks really.

[Matt McCusker]

I got.

[Tom Segura]

I go, my face. My face looks so bad. He was like, yeah, dude, that sucked. You look terrible. I was like, the I had to shave for the show, you know. You know about the show?

[Matt McCusker]

Holy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, my God. Dude. Dude, you look like a totally different guy.

[Tom Segura]

I know. You know, I didn't see the guy.

[Matt McCusker]

Who shot the United Healthcare CEO. Are you sure you didn't do it? That was last week, dude.

[Tom Segura]

It is kind of similar.

[Matt McCusker]

Did you inscribe. You know, he inscribed the bullets.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Deny.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And delay.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Delight and depose or something.

[Tom Segura]

Can I tell you that you killed that guy? I know. The. The. There I am. Do you know that I.

[Matt McCusker]

Like.

[Tom Segura]

The ny, NYPD released that. Those images a couple days ago, and I'm just on my phone and I see them.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And you know, sometimes you just get the. Like, you don't. People think you. Like, really? I'm just like, whatever. I put them in my stories, those photos, and I just put wanted, right?

[Matt McCusker]

You were just ringing the alarm bell.

[Tom Segura]

I was just like, this. It's like this guy's wanted.

[Matt McCusker]

You put up a wanted poster.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, but I wanted poster in my stories. Can I tell you, though?

[Matt McCusker]

That's pretty cool.

[Tom Segura]

What was crazy? I was just like. It was breaking news.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I was like, he's wanted. So many people replied like, nah, that's okay. Like, I'm not turning him in.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, I know.

[Tom Segura]

And I'm like, yeah, he fucking killed somebody on the sidewalk. And they're like, nah.

[Matt McCusker]

Should have offered a bounty for him.

[Tom Segura]

It's fucking really crazy the way that this murder is. People are going like, well, people are pumped. Yeah, it's really crazy.

[Matt McCusker]

I was literally. I was just reading about the fact that, like, people are celebrating the fact that this guy just got shot in his front door.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Like, good, good, good.

[Tom Segura]

Really insane.

[Matt McCusker]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

And I know that, like, that business is really brutal and that company in particular has, like, a horrible reputation.

[Matt McCusker]

They do. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

But to just be like, good to the. To the guy dying on the sidewalk.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, it's like when old senators die and they're like, fuck you, go to hell, you piece of shit. And you're like, all right, that's a little much. I mean, this guy. Yeah, that does suck, man. It's like he was just checking his, like, salesforce early in the morning and just got.

[Tom Segura]

He's going into the meeting, like, the big quarterly returns meeting or whatever it is.

[Matt McCusker]

Although the thing. What? The thing is that if. Well, I have two questions. Well, first is an observation. It's like, if you get like. If you're like, mother just dies of cancer. And, like, you kept getting, like, your paperwork blocked, it's like, I get that would fill you with a murderous rage.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

But.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

You're not allowed to go and shoot the guy.

[Tom Segura]

Well, yeah, this is the civilized society.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, True.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, well, here's the thing.

[Matt McCusker]

If they let. If they let like 10,000 just of like, loved ones slowly die in a bed. That's the argument. It's like, is it worse to, like, quietly. If you turn people into, like, paperwork.

[Tom Segura]

That's what they're saying. How many deaths is this guy responsible for? Right.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So, like, you can live in it.

[Matt McCusker]

But then here's the thing. If he wasn't responsible for all those deaths, he wouldn't be the CEO. So.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, he's good at his job.

[Matt McCusker]

He's so good.

[Tom Segura]

He's really good at it. People are talking about. Because I think we're gonna. We're going to learn who this guy is eventually. Because I. It's. I'll just be clear. It's not me.

[Matt McCusker]

He's still at large.

[Tom Segura]

But the thing is, it's going to be. It's going to be a. He's smiling, right? He's got a nice smile.

[Matt McCusker]

He does, actually. Look at that.

[Tom Segura]

That's a nice.

[Matt McCusker]

You know he got Starbucks right before, too, so any.

[Tom Segura]

Rode a bike out of there.

[Matt McCusker]

Shit.

[Tom Segura]

Shit. What about your face?

[Matt McCusker]

Might be a suspect right now.

[Tom Segura]

We don't see a hood on you. You got a nice smile.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, he had Starbucks right before, man.

[Tom Segura]

But I think the story is to be this obvious, like, with. Especially with those inscriptions on the bullet casings, you know? Yeah, I know that. Like, it's going to be some payback, like, revenge type thing for sure, but which. Because everyone's like, this guy's a professional, you know, like Hitman. You're like, I don't like to do that. But the thing that makes it seem professional is that his gun jams more than once when you see the unedited version.

[Matt McCusker]

Really?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And he doesn't panic at all. He's just like, like, cut, you know, pulls the slide back and. Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Holy.

[Tom Segura]

Because most people, if you're like, I'm going to do this thing and your gun jams, they fucking freak out. Yeah, people freak out all the time when they go, this is how I would handle a home invasion. You're like, okay. And then it really happens and they fucking lose their minds.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, dude. You freeze, you're done.

[Tom Segura]

But somebody who's just, like, composed in that, that does make you go. This feels a lot more precious and inscribed.

[Matt McCusker]

The bullets. I just learned that, like, Moments ago. I didn't know he inscribed.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Kind of a drama. It's a drama queen move.

[Tom Segura]

It's a total drama. And it's a message, right? It's a big message.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Although it's like, you know, this is the worst part is like, this is the only thing that can possibly make them kind of be a little more lenient with their.

[Tom Segura]

Well, the thing is, you know, whenever there's an act of terror, people go like, you know, this is not the way to do this. But the reason that people commit acts of terror is to get you to discuss and make their point bigger. Right.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And it's like, since this guy has done this, everybody is talking about UnitedHealthcare's policies. It actually was the effective move.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. That's why they put you in Guantanamo Bay for it. It works very well.

[Tom Segura]

It works.

[Matt McCusker]

It's very effective. There is some guy wrote a book claiming that all throughout history, the only time there's been meaningful wealth transfers have been after disasters, huge wars, natural disasters, or like kind of coups.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

He's like, yeah. I mean, it's. It's a shame. It still is bad. It's like you're going down, you know.

[Tom Segura]

Well, some of them make. You mean like McVeigh, right. Blew up the Oklahoma City.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And killed all these people. He's like, well, yeah. I mean, it was for a bigger purpose.

[Matt McCusker]

What was his. What was his big thing?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. What was it? It was about like government. What was. Type in what. What his motive was? Because I think it was. Yeah. It was for handling Ruby Ridge incident.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, that's what it was. Federal government. Right.

[Tom Segura]

But that didn't affect that. That doesn't. No one goes like, you're right.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Because you did. Because you blew up this building.

[Matt McCusker]

Or was this bomb too small?

[Tom Segura]

I don't know. It was a pretty effective.

[Matt McCusker]

Pretty big bomb.

[Tom Segura]

It was a pretty big bomb.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

True.

[Matt McCusker]

That didn't really do anything that like. And also that the government's too. It's too big and it's too nebulous of like a target, but like hitting a health care. That's like, you know, if you blew up a meter, made people be like, well, yeah, I don't want to get tickets.

[Tom Segura]

I know.

[Matt McCusker]

So, yeah, he had a guy had like a.

[Tom Segura]

And they. And the city would be like, all right, these tickets are.

[Matt McCusker]

All right. We'll get you. We'll give you 14 days before we double it.

[Tom Segura]

We're sorry about that.

[Matt McCusker]

Austin's pretty good about the tickets. Phillies Like Ruthless.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

They give you. I think they give you, like, I forget what it was. It was like 10 days, and then they double it. And if you have more than two outstanding tickets, you're automatically on the boot list, and they come take your car.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Matt McCusker]

I've gotten. I had two of my cars taken from Boston's.

[Tom Segura]

Like that. Boston's aggressive. Yeah. With the tickets.

[Matt McCusker]

Very aggressive. I owe the Philadelphia Parking Authority still, like, I think now they want. I think it's like five or seven thousand dollars.

[Tom Segura]

I love that show so much. The reality show.

[Matt McCusker]

It's so good. Yeah. I talked to the one lady the one time.

[Tom Segura]

It can stay on a marathon. And I'll keep. I'll just.

[Matt McCusker]

It's good, man. I went down there once. They took a. I think they took a Ford Contour off me. And that. You have to. When you. You can go to your car to get your belongings out of your car. So I want to get my belongings. You have to write a piece of. On a piece of paper what they took from you and what you're. Or what's in your car that you're reclaiming. And I wrote a giant dildo, and you have to hand it to the person at the counter, and they have to, like, bring it to someone in the back and get it approved. It's really funny.

[Tom Segura]

Did you have a giant dildo?

[Matt McCusker]

No, I didn't have a giant dildo. I actually had, like, a. I had, like, a blunt that fell out, like, behind.

[Tom Segura]

Did you ask for that?

[Matt McCusker]

I wanted to go get that. And, like, I had some other stuff, too, that I wanted. But, yeah, I was after that blunt. But the. I did put giant dildo, and they were. They were kind of laughing.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, that's good. It's good that they have a sense of humor.

[Matt McCusker]

They did.

[Tom Segura]

It seems like they do on the show. Like. Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I mean, that kind of. It's. They kind of get broken down. You have people. I've said the meanest to those people, and, like, they would give it back to me.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

But they were like. There was this one lady, the one time she gave me a ticket, and I was like, come on, man, that's bullshit. She's like. And I was like, you. I hope you die. And she was like. She's like, I hope your mother gets cancer. That's what she said to me back.

[Tom Segura]

The meter made. Yes.

[Matt McCusker]

She goes, I hope you. I was like, I hope you die. And she goes, I hope your mother gets cancer. And I was like, if you were my mom, I would. She said something like, would you say that to me if I was my mom? And I was like, if you were my mom, I'd kill myself. And she was like, I hope you get. Hope your mother gets cancer. And we just had this exchange. And I was like, yeah, whatever.

[Tom Segura]

That's awesome.

[Matt McCusker]

Both got it out of our system. I was kind of, by the end of it, I was kind of laughing. She got like, so ruthless. And I was like, that's kind of funny.

[Tom Segura]

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[Bert Kreischer]

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[Tom Segura]

That'S also like a great kind of advertisement for Philly. Yeah, yeah, it kind of summarizes the city.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, it does. People are very, People are very on edge, man. I didn't realize it till I was here for like six months. I went to Baltimore to do a show and I got off the plane. I'm not lying. Like, I got off and I just like looked at people's faces when I came into the terminal and like everyone, I was like, did people just get in an argument here? And I was like, I thought they were. It was like post fight energy. And I came in, I'm like, oh yeah, this is just. People are just, this is sour puss in all the time.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah. I think some of that is like, I mean there's a culture to a city. I can't say I think Weather is underrated. I think weather affects the shit out of people.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Being in cold and then, like, the hustle of a Northeastern big city is just a different thing, you know, like, shoulder to shoulder, you know, like on the streets and, like, it's. There's slush and on the ground and.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, true.

[Tom Segura]

People just fighting for position more. They're jockeying for position.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. You have after, like, 10 of those interactions a day of, like, you and another person walking in the same trajectory and, like, either giving or being like, I'm not moving. That does do something to your psychology. I don't do that. I don't have to deal with that, like, at all. I don't. There's never anyone on the sidewalk.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, there's. And there's too, like, I just think of, like, entering build, like, holding a door, opening a door, and then in. You're in some Philly or Baltimore and someone's like, hold the door, man. You know, like, that kind of like. Like, that doesn't really happen here, you know, like, that's just like, a very regional thing.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, true.

[Tom Segura]

New York has that, too, depending on the neighborhood. Yeah. It's aggressive. It is.

[Matt McCusker]

It is. It is. Unnecessarily. I think it's unnecessarily because I always. Whenever I go to New York, I try to be, like, very, very nice and try to, like, break the mold. And it's just. I've made no progress.

[Tom Segura]

But I feel like so many New Yorkers are actually so nice, you can just get into pockets where it's the opposite.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. I feel like they're nice if you talk to them, but if you ever ask someone for directions in New York, they look at you like, you're like, dude, what the.

[Tom Segura]

I know. And then, like, I was in Tokyo.

[Matt McCusker]

How was that?

[Tom Segura]

It was amazing. It was one of.

[Matt McCusker]

That's what I've heard. I heard it's awesome.

[Tom Segura]

Best food I've ever had in my life, hands down. Everything was. Everything what? Tomatoes, lettuce, crab meat. Everything was the best I've ever had. Fruit. Everything was the best.

[Matt McCusker]

That's crazy.

[Tom Segura]

It was so. It was so fucking good. And a couple times I stopped random people looking for places, and they stop whatever they're doing to help you.

[Matt McCusker]

What?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, all of them.

[Matt McCusker]

Where are they grow? Are they a big, like, producer of, like, produce and stuff? I didn't think that's just an island. I don't think they had a lot of room to grow.

[Tom Segura]

It's just that they are perfectionists. True. And so Everything. Of everything they do. It's like, you know, you find the places, like the coffee place is like, this guy has been working on how to make the perfect cup of coffee for 50 years and he does nothing else.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Also, people take great pride in jobs that are seemingly mundane. Like the cashier has, like, proud to be the cat. You know, things like that where you're like, it's just like this system of. Of excellence. So, I mean, I'm telling you, like, we. The first salad we had, we were all like, what the.

[Matt McCusker]

Really?

[Tom Segura]

Or like, even so you. It's known that you can obviously get like Kobe beef and wagyu is like, you know, Japanese, like specialties. But like, so I had a chef. My chef friend was with me, Philip Lee, and he was like, you know, in the States, most of the time, if you're at a hotel, the idea is if you want to get a good meal, leave the hotel. Like, it's going to be a lower quality meal at the hotel. But in Japan, hotels have some of the best food, really. So we were in the lobby of our hotel, like the place, like, I just want to get something to eat. And I had a sirloin. And as I'm telling you, we took a bite. I was like, this is a top three steak of my entire life. It was all like that. Everything that we ate there was like that.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, we could import some of that here. Whatever that is going on, whatever's going on inside people in Japan, we need to take that here.

[Tom Segura]

And a funny thing about import is that we obviously, we want to have sushi. So the way that sushi works is that there's a fish market, right? And they, they bring out like, this is the top tier, let's say tuna, right? And then people can bid on it. And then it goes in quality, like, it quality kind of spectrum, right? So like the highest, highest quality stuff will go to like these restaurants, sushi places that demand that and command it and then it works its way on down. Okay. The highest quality sushi that you can buy from Japan in the United States is too low for them to serve in Japan.

[Matt McCusker]

What?

[Tom Segura]

So like, when they get. When you're here and they go like, this is the best flown in today from Japan. Japan's like, yeah, you can keep that.

[Matt McCusker]

That's the worst.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, we don't want it.

[Matt McCusker]

That's so funny.

[Tom Segura]

So that's like the difference of, of.

[Matt McCusker]

Like, it's crazy because I've been to those sushi places. I'm like, you can't get any better.

[Tom Segura]

Exactly.

[Matt McCusker]

So good.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's. And that's like. And it is good. We eat it here. It's good. But over there, they're like, this is a whole. There's a whole other level you don't know about.

[Matt McCusker]

Jesus Christ. That's crazy. And then it's on an airplane. It's flown.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I thought maybe, like. I was like, maybe this stuff's just better because they're not. It's not being, like, thrown around in boxes. Everyone's handling it, like, every. Tomatoes handled very delicately.

[Tom Segura]

You watch somebody make an omelet there, and it's just like, performing surgery, and they're just like, here you go.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, that's that documentary, Jiro Dreams of Sushi.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

It's very similar. That was really cool to watch.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

It's like, my problem is, like, why can't we get into making omelets and stuff? What's in our brains that doesn't allow us to, like, make a salad and just be totally into it and, like, take pride in it?

[Tom Segura]

I don't know. I think that it really is, like a. It probably start. It starts at home. It's a cultural thing, right? Like. Yeah. I mean, let's just say it. Asian excellence. They're just fucking better.

[Matt McCusker]

They're just. They are, dude.

[Tom Segura]

They're just better, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

They are. I want to. I want to try to figure out what that is.

[Tom Segura]

I'm not saying all of them.

[Matt McCusker]

True. Yeah, true. I don't start a stereotype, but, yeah, it is. It is kind of like. It's like, that would be nice to get into that. Just, like, start just taking pride in stuff you're doing. Because I've. I try to make a cheese plate. We like people at our house recently.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Started chopping up some cheese. I'm like, I'm gonna make a nice cheese plate. I got like. Like, within two minutes, I was like this. I put a knife in the block of cheese and crackers, and I was like, I'm not giving up. Yeah, I gave up right away.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Although, you know what I have been doing? I've been skateboarding lately.

[Tom Segura]

You've been skateboarding?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, I've been. And I did not like anything crazy. We have, like, you know what?

[Tom Segura]

Did you skateboard and.

[Matt McCusker]

When I was little. Yeah, when I was younger, I did, but I. I underestimated. I overestimated how much of my skills I would have retained. Dude, it was wobbly. I just started, like, three weeks ago.

[Tom Segura]

How. What age range were you skateboarding in?

[Matt McCusker]

Probably like seventh. It would have been like seventh, eighth, ninth grade.

[Tom Segura]

And then. Done.

[Matt McCusker]

Done. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, okay.

[Matt McCusker]

Every now and again, I would still pop on a skateboard here and there, but I went to a skate park. Like, I'll be all right. It was. It's really hard, but I have this little. It's a, it's called a pump track, you know? You know, that is like a wavy little thing. So I just been doing that, and it's like I had my apple watch on. I don't wear my apple watch anymore because it's. My wearables have let me down. Apparently, I'm pre diabetic. I didn't know that. Yeah, dude. They're telling me my biological age was, like, seven years younger.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Matt McCusker]

Or my. Whatever it is. Yeah, they're like, dude, you're. You're like, physically, you're like a 29 year old. And I was like, sweet. I went to a doctor, like, dude, you're pre diabetic. What are you doing? I was like, really? Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

What is your sugar consumption? Really high.

[Matt McCusker]

I didn't think it was that bad, but, like, I. Apparently I was eating a ton of rice, and like, I, I was eating, like, I don't eat gluten, so I was eating, like, white rice, you know, potatoes. So I would eat, like, mountains of that.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, mountains of. It is different than having a lot.

[Matt McCusker]

I need to go to Japan. I need someone to show me how to eat. But. And my dad has type two, so I, you know, it's pretty much his fault. Epigenetic. I think I got, like, an epigenetic transfer.

[Tom Segura]

But you can get, like. Has, has he tried to, like, get out? You know, I mean, like, you can change your lifestyle.

[Matt McCusker]

I, I will. He won't.

[Tom Segura]

He will.

[Matt McCusker]

He just takes. He did, actually. I, I, I shouldn't, I shouldn't put smut on his name.

[Tom Segura]

He.

[Matt McCusker]

He still does eat, like, a giant bowl of ice cream every Sunday.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Matt McCusker]

Not the best, but he does. He'll take, like, the medicine for it, the pill. And he has cut down a lot of. On a lot of stuff.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Because I know a couple of guys that have been type 2 diabetic, reversed it and reversed it.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, that's my plan. I want to reverse. I want to reverse my prediabetes, but.

[Tom Segura]

They also, the two guys I'm thinking of look nothing like they did when. Because they made dramatic changes.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. You know, so I thought I was pretty healthy. I like, you look healthy. Yeah, that's what I thought, man. And then, like. But I guess. I don't know, because I was like, maybe I was like, I did eat a pancake the day of the blood test. Or like, that has nothing to do with it. I was like, so wait, on the.

[Tom Segura]

Day of the test?

[Matt McCusker]

I didn't know you're supposed to fast. I, like, I forgot I had the test now.

[Tom Segura]

But you got a. That gave you a crazy glucose spike for sure.

[Matt McCusker]

I thought so. But they were like, nah, this. A1C studies your hemoglobin. Apparently your blood cells last for three months in your body, and then they die and new ones come. So I guess they, like, somehow can tell the age of each blood cell and see how much glucose is attached to each blood cell. Yeah, the A1C is like a rendering or a measure. Like a measure of how much glucose is, like, covering all of your blood cells.

[Tom Segura]

Huh.

[Matt McCusker]

This gets you. They get. They get like. They turn into, like, Sour Patch Kids inside your body.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

They get sugary.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

And they just were like, yeah. Your blood cells are covered in sugar. So that's my understanding of it. I don't know.

[Tom Segura]

So you just got. But you are. You're already making the no big one.

[Matt McCusker]

I want, like, my wife's pissed. I'm, like, going, like, full psycho now. It's just like, I. I don't. I haven't eaten carbs in like a week.

[Tom Segura]

Cool.

[Matt McCusker]

Barely any. Barely any.

[Tom Segura]

That's good.

[Matt McCusker]

So now she'll make stuff. Everything she makes me. I'm like, what, are you trying to fucking kill me?

[Tom Segura]

Do you. Can you still eat meat, though? Do you like me?

[Matt McCusker]

I don't meat. I just eat meat and veggies.

[Tom Segura]

But you're gonna be fine.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Skateboard meat and veggies.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

But the pump track, that is my only zen, like, moment now where I just, like when you're like, really wear.

[Tom Segura]

Protective gear at all.

[Matt McCusker]

No, None. Yeah. No, I can't. I can't do it. I still have, like, that seventh grader.

[Tom Segura]

Just because you're like, that's gay.

[Matt McCusker]

Yes, exactly. Exactly. Helmets. Someone asked me, you wear a helmet, right? And I was like, I'm sorry, I can't. I'd rather die. I'd rather hit my head and die. Than where it be seen wearing a helmet.

[Tom Segura]

I mean. Hold on, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

Hey, man, that's.

[Tom Segura]

You know, I was with Tony Hawk.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And he wears a helmet. Knee pads and elbow pads. That's Tony Hawk.

[Matt McCusker]

He's a bitch. No, he's.

[Bert Kreischer]

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[Tom Segura]

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[Matt McCusker]

Oh, he needs one. He's. Look, he's doing, like, loops and I'm just doing the pump track.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Matt McCusker]

I'm just doing the pump track. He, you know, again, if he wants, you know, dress like that. That's his business.

[Tom Segura]

Dress like that. Dress like that, gets an outfit.

[Matt McCusker]

He's doing, like, 40 foot. Look, some guys are willing.

[Tom Segura]

He's doing crazy shit.

[Matt McCusker]

He doesn't love skateboarding as much as I do.

[Tom Segura]

That's. He's out here, you know, he's just fucking dilettante.

[Matt McCusker]

He's pussyfooting around.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, okay. No, that makes sense.

[Matt McCusker]

No, I saw his documentary. Did you watch that?

[Tom Segura]

I did not see it. No.

[Matt McCusker]

It. He has gotten more. I didn't know he got that fucked up. He's gotten, like, 90 concussions.

[Tom Segura]

I didn't have this appreciation, though, for. Because I think as a kid, when you see greatness in different sports, you're like, that guy's just really good.

[Matt McCusker]

That's right.

[Tom Segura]

Like Michael Jordan. You're like, he's just really good.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And it takes becoming an adult, seeing some stuff, talking to some people, and then you realize, oh, this guy is a psycho. Like, he's out of his fucking mind. And I didn't realize that, like, when I. When Tony came here and he was talking about how, like, his femur broke.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And this doctor was like, well, you. You know, you're. You're not gonna be able to do what you did. He's like, I just went to another doctor. And that doctor was like, well, we could do this thing and, like, reset it differently. Like, so how does another surgery to reset it? And then I got on a board, and then I was like, huh? Yeah, you're crazy, bro.

[Matt McCusker]

He's out of his. He is a psycho. He's a competitive psycho.

[Tom Segura]

Lance Armstrong psycho. Michael psycho. They're crazy people.

[Matt McCusker]

I do like how Jordan's psycho Ness just transferred to, like, sports gambling once he got done. Yeah, I kind of like that about that.

[Tom Segura]

Well, they also. The gambling Ones are also. It's. It's the same thing about winning. It's just about winning. It's like, taking. And then the rush of, like, I won this thing.

[Matt McCusker]

I want to. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Again. Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So it's like. Because Dana White is like that, you know, like. And. And I asked him that because he's famously gambles crazy amounts of money, and he does it, like, daily. And I was like, yeah, but this is because you're addicted to, like, big wins. And he was like, yeah, 100%.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. I've also heard compulsive gambling is more about the flow state. It's like the winning and losing almost becomes irrelevant. You just, like being in that kind of, like, Eric. Everything just falls away. You're just on the table, and it's just like, you're up, you're down, you're up, you're down. It kind of keeps you in this, like, almost like, flow state.

[Tom Segura]

He goes, but Dana goes in. He goes, I'll play three hands and leave.

[Matt McCusker]

So he'll win. He's. He wants to win.

[Tom Segura]

He wants to win.

[Matt McCusker]

I like that.

[Tom Segura]

So he goes in. He bets huge.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

350,000, 400,000 a hand. And he's like, if I win two or three, he's like, I'm out of there.

[Matt McCusker]

That's impressive.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And then it's just, like, goes home, like. Yeah. Just. Just walked out with, you know, 1.2. And now I'm, like, feeling good. And then tomorrow and do it again.

[Matt McCusker]

God, are they going to. They're going to ban him? If he keeps winning, they're going to ban him.

[Tom Segura]

There's a few casinos that don't want him to come in.

[Matt McCusker]

Really?

[Tom Segura]

Like six? Yeah. So he stays to, like, a couple.

[Matt McCusker]

Damn. That's kind of bullshit. I don't. That's kind of bullshit how they do that if you actually play the other thing.

[Tom Segura]

That's crazy, because I gamble sometimes on a much smaller scale.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Is like, you know, you can go, like, $3,000, and they go, boop. And then when you win and you're like, oh, I got 3,000 in chips. They're like, hold on. Phone calls. Let me see your id. And you're standing there in line to get your cash. I'm saying, you know, like, yeah. Hey, where did you win this? I'm like, at the table. Which table? I'm like, I don't know the number of the table. And then, like, call somebody else. Hold on. Let me see your id. We need to scan it. End of your thing. What's your social, and you're like, this is pretty cool that, like, I can give you the money, and it's like, no problem. Yeah, but this whole process of getting it back, I mean, that's kind of weird.

[Matt McCusker]

Well, you know what? A lot of people use casinos as, like, money laundering centers, so maybe they figure, like, we can kind of scare some of those guys and keep their money.

[Tom Segura]

Because I feel like that's got to be, like, the big dogs, dude. Like, macao is famous for that. That's the money laundering capital of the world.

[Matt McCusker]

Is it really? Yeah, some people do it. You get, like, hippies. Will they get, like, some, like, evil hippies in there, like, selling ketamine? They'll take, like, five grand because they have to mail it. If you have a bunch of small bills, you want to turn it into big bills so you can mail it easier. So they'll take it in, like, play a little bit and cash out. And so maybe they can think in their goal. We'll scare these guys and keep their.

[Tom Segura]

Keep there.

[Matt McCusker]

That's what they would do. They would take, like, five grand of small bills, change it to big bills, and be like, all right, we're out of here.

[Tom Segura]

And then.

[Matt McCusker]

Okay, so if you started pressuring, like, let me see your. Let me see your tax return, man. You'd be like, yeah, just freak you.

[Tom Segura]

Out a little bit. Yeah. So you.

[Matt McCusker]

That's bullshit, though, man. That would piss me off.

[Tom Segura]

It's really annoying. You don't do it. You don't gamble at all?

[Matt McCusker]

I used to here and there. I, like, didn't gamble. I did it my first time in Vegas when I was, like, 21, and I just won blackjack. I wanted craps. I won, like, $600 in craps. Yeah, I won. Like, I went, like, exciting. It's very exciting. But when I lose, I get filled with, like, such a disgusting, bitter feeling that it just, like, I don't like doing it.

[Tom Segura]

So people have different thresholds for it. And I was like. I was at a blackjack table with these NFL guys, and, like, the way that some of them were betting, it was like, it's making my eyes water. I was like.

[Matt McCusker]

You'Re just getting horny.

[Tom Segura]

I was fucked. I was getting, like, the. Because I always feel like you have to, like, work up the courage.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

To increase, you know? So, like, if you're like, I bet 100, and then you get on a little roll or you feel prep, you go, all right, I'm gonna do five hundred or a thousand. You're like, oh, man. And these dudes were doing like 10, 20 grand. I was like, God damn.

[Matt McCusker]

That's the only way that for me it was fun to gamble back when I was 21 because I literally had zero. I had no money.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

And then so like everything's a rush. That 500 was all. That was like my whole week of work.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I was like, oh, fuck. Now it's like, dude, the idea of like giving a sizable enough portion to like be like financially, that's the only thing that makes it exciting. If it's like, if it can like wipe you out or do you like serious damage.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Because if you, if it like, it's.

[Tom Segura]

Got to do something because there is a thing where you're like, hey, you won. And the amount does nothing to the heart rate. So I'm saying like, well, this is nothing.

[Matt McCusker]

I used to play when I lived with me Shane and like we. It was me and a bunch of our friends role like comics. None of us had like any, no one had any money at all. But I was like selling a little bit of weed. So I had more than them. So we would do poker and they'd be like five dollar buy ins and I'd be like, this sucks. Because I was like, I don't give a fuck.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Needs to be enough to get your like your hair standing up.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

So. But then it's like, I'm not. If I lose that, I fucking freak out.

[Tom Segura]

I know I won one time. I should. It's always like, you should listen and you should walk away.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I went to do a show in Vegas and pre show, went to these tables and won $7,000 and was like. I was like, I mean, glowing, right? Just like. And we went and did the show and you're just like riding this dopamine drip. And I came back and I went back to the tables and I started losing. And like guys with me were like, just, just like, just leave now. I was like, no, like a, like a total degenerate. The out of here. And I kept betting, kept betting and I just kept losing, losing, losing. And I lost it all. The money that I'd won, I just lost it all. And in comparison to like what you're getting paid to do the show, it's not a significant amount. Even though it sounds. It's a lot for sure.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

But you're not like, oh, this is a. You know what I mean? Like it doesn't really. I couldn't go to sleep. I went in my room and I'm staring At the ceiling and this overwhelming sadness to go. I was depressed.

[Matt McCusker]

Well, you know what it is, is, like, when you win at gambling, it. The feeling is that, like, the universe is like, I like you.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

And you're like, fuck, I knew you liked me.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Then you lose.

[Tom Segura]

I'm a good guy.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. When you lose, it's like, yeah, the universe fucking hates you.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And you're like, true.

[Matt McCusker]

Fuck.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

There's like a magic element to gambling. That's what kind of attracts people to it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. It's true. Because it's random and.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And then the other thing is you just realize that there's just. There really are these streaks. Like, in blackjack, you know, there's a shoe. The shoe, right. Like, the cards in there, and you can get a good shoe. And you think it's, like, kind of you big time. But it's just like every. You know, you went eight in a row, and you're like, dude, what the.

[Matt McCusker]

I figured it out.

[Tom Segura]

And then the next shoe, it's like eight losses in a row, and you're like, this sucks, and you suck, too, to the dealer.

[Matt McCusker]

And like, dude, that's what happened to me. I won the first two times. I win, like, $400, and I'd just be like, to the moon. Like, hol. Holy. And I would, like, cash out, buy everybody stuff around me. Like, I did it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

So then when I went again, like, a year or two later, I was like, guys, check. I know exactly how to do this. And I just got wiped out, like, instantly.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Like, the next three times just lost so fast. Try to cash back in, lose again. I was like, I'm not doing. Fuck, I hate this.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I get that feeling. I always think about just like a casino owner. Just, like, my money just being, like, filtered onto, like, a gray truck just among stacks of cash and just trucked away.

[Tom Segura]

And he's like, thanks.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. He's just like, oh, cool. Fuck.

[Tom Segura]

I paid my cell phone bill. Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I don't like it, man. I know a lot of people love the gamble. I don't. I don't.

[Tom Segura]

I know. I'm glad I don't have the. Like, I enjoy it. I've had fun. I think it's fun when you're with friends and, like, having a good time, But I don't have that. Thankfully, I don't have that thing that's like, I gotta.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Do it.

[Matt McCusker]

I also. I had, like. I was like. I had a pretty, like, risky kind of, like, gambling life for a long time, so really I've gotten. Yeah, I've gotten my thrills out for the most part.

[Tom Segura]

So how was your life? Risky in gambling.

[Matt McCusker]

I used to just sell drugs. So I was like, people go to the casino and I was like, dude, I do this every day. Like, I could. I could be devastated every day.

[Tom Segura]

What kind of drugs were you selling?

[Matt McCusker]

Just weed. Yeah, mostly weed. And then, like, I tried to sell coke. I wasn't cut out for that.

[Tom Segura]

How. How was it? I mean, I sold a. You know, a couple of bags, so I realized. And I bought a million of them back in the day.

[Matt McCusker]

True.

[Tom Segura]

So I went over to people's houses and watched them play video games.

[Matt McCusker]

And that's all it is.

[Tom Segura]

Sat there and.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, you play Xbox for, like an hour, and then you just make a thousand bucks and like. Yes.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

But it was. It was like.

[Tom Segura]

How was the coke stuff?

[Matt McCusker]

Terrible. I didn't do it. That was the thing. So I didn't do it. I didn't. I just. I didn't, like what it, like, did to people. I was. I was, like, 19, so I didn't really know. But that was, like. When I was, like. That was, like, genuinely scary because, like, weed is, like. People are mostly cool.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Except to a certain point, if you get up high enough, you know, when the money gets high enough, it'll be like, you deal with, like, real, actual criminal. Like, you were talking about home invasions. It's like, dude, there's guys that'll do that. And it's like. It's so fucking scary. And they're so scary, too.

[Tom Segura]

So you got into that level?

[Matt McCusker]

I've got my H. I was in a house that got invaded. I was never a home invasion kind of guy, but, yeah, I got up to, like. I would get, like, £35. Like, that was.

[Tom Segura]

You'd buy 35?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, I would get them front it, but I would, like. I would be. I commanded 35 pounds.

[Tom Segura]

That's a lot, bro.

[Matt McCusker]

I know. Scary. That's what I'm saying. I got my.

[Tom Segura]

Like, but when that. How would that 35 get to you?

[Matt McCusker]

It would get dropped off at somebody else's house, and then we have, like, a storage unit and we would just, like, go down that. We. You had to, like, pick between the strains. Like, I want four Blue Dreams, six out Sour Diesel.

[Tom Segura]

So was that. Was that amount split amongst a couple other people?

[Matt McCusker]

It was me and one other guy.

[Tom Segura]

You and one other guy?

[Matt McCusker]

So we would get, like, 70 dropped off and we get to split them.

[Tom Segura]

And what was your selling like? Like, what were You. How much were you selling at a time? You know what I mean? Were you dis.

[Matt McCusker]

Mostly like two. My big people were like two to three. Sometimes people take five pounds. That was like my most. I would give people like five at a time.

[Tom Segura]

So they were dealers too. Like, okay.

[Matt McCusker]

I would find people and then be like, I think you get. And you kind of like slowly front them and get them a little bit more. Then you eventually are like, I'll give you like £2. It's like just. You'll be fine.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

And then you just kind of just. Then you just start dropping it off and like collect your money.

[Tom Segura]

So that's real money though, right?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, I was, Yeah, I was chilling for a while in my early 20s. I was having a good time. But the. But, yeah, but like you get robbed, people, everyone. You're like, you know, if you think of it like your employees, it's like the most unreliable.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

People are getting DUIs. It's like people couldn't just chill. They'd be like, I got hammered and I started running around selling. It's like, why did you do that?

[Tom Segura]

Why?

[Matt McCusker]

Then they get in trouble. People get addicted to drugs. It's like, it's a really.

[Tom Segura]

Was there a one incident thing that got you out of it or was just a gradual thing?

[Matt McCusker]

Not really. I got like robbed at gunpoint a bunch of times and I was like, I should say I got robbed at gunpoint twice. But the not, I guess that's not a bunch of times while.

[Tom Segura]

From somebody you knew probably. Or like it was set up thing.

[Matt McCusker]

It was like someone I knew would set up with somebody who would then be like my friends going to come and then someone that person knew would just be like, I'm. I'm going to set this up like a robbery. Because everyone got bad on pills. So you get people who get bad on like, yeah, pills. Who then would be buying like heroin. Who though? Now they're introducing like heroin guys to being like, hey, I owe you money. But I know this one guy who could like, you know, who's like, I can help you rob him. And they'd be like, yeah, let me do that.

[Tom Segura]

And when you got robbed, was it for the weed or for the cash?

[Matt McCusker]

For the both. For both, yeah, they got me for both. Yeah. The postal also like we would mail it a lot. So like the. We had the postal police take like I mailed like 35 grand and they just were like, yeah, that's ours.

[Tom Segura]

I was like, those are huge losses though.

[Matt McCusker]

I know. I got. I'VE been wiped out financially. Like, you know, again, if I had, like, I'm like, 25, 26, with, like, 40 grand, I'm like, this is crazy. And just go to zero. I've done it, like, two or three times.

[Tom Segura]

Damn.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And you. Were you mailing cash because you owed it to.

[Matt McCusker]

Well, you would mail it to if, like, you could buy it once it got here. But as soon as a pound of weed comes from California, it's the driver itself. That's, like, 400 per pound they're tacking on. And then it's going to go to a person who's going to attack three, probably three to four or whatever on each one. But if you can get it directly from California, you can skip all that. But they got to mail it to you. So you open yourself up to the risk of catching a package in the mail.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

And then you got to, like, you know, hopefully it's not being followed or whatever, so.

[Tom Segura]

But you were mailing cash out to Cali.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, through my friend. I would, like, give it to my friend. He would mail it to California.

[Tom Segura]

So you have zero after this?

[Matt McCusker]

I was wiped out. I've done it. Like, it. Oddly, it becomes kind of a peaceful feeling, though, to get totally wiped out after, like, the third time. I, like, perversely kind of liked it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I go. Here we go.

[Matt McCusker]

I would just go back to painting houses and, like, damn it. Right back to the salt mine. I would just paint houses and kind of, like, do stand up and work my way back up.

[Tom Segura]

Jesus, man. Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

But eventually it just became ridiculous. I was like, I'd have to stop. It wasn't really. The kids were the big thing.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Once I had kids, I was like, I can't. This is ridiculous.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I'm like, if I go to jail, that'd be so sad.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I remember a couple friends that were selling, and it was funny because when you're in high school and getting into college, you know, you're talking about, like, an ounce here. And the. I remember how it makes sense, but you get more brazen with, like, the longer you're around and more comfortable. And then one time I'm with my friend, he pulls up, and he's got just, like, qps, like, on the seat, and I'm like, you're just driving around like this.

[Matt McCusker]

It becomes so normal. You forget. The first, like, month I remember, I think I've fried my nervous system. But the first couple months, you're like, legs are shaking. Anytime a cop's around you, you have, like, an ounce of weed. You're like, oh. Then you get like, you just forget it's even illegal. You just, I would just drive around like it was like a normal job.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Then a cop does pull up behind you. You're like, it's just like ice water. Your veins just sort of like.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

And that, that's really bad for you. And also it's like, it's one of those things. It's like, it's genuinely. When people say it's bad, I was always like, it's weed. Like, who cares? But when you're, when you're doing that, you're essentially, you have to lie to.

[Tom Segura]

Everybody you talk to, which is not good.

[Matt McCusker]

It's not good. And it like, it's, you be literally become like a liar. Like you have to lie. It's non stop kind of games and manipulation. And it's like, like your relationships excuse them. Because then you're like, I don't really want to tell this person I'm with exactly what I'm doing. And it's like if it goes south, they can kind of fucking.

[Tom Segura]

Who knew? Did your closest friends know?

[Matt McCusker]

Some, yeah, people knew kind of. But I always would kind of like, I wouldn't really ever tell people the scale for the most part, except for a couple people.

[Tom Segura]

The scale is alarming.

[Matt McCusker]

Scale was kind of alarming when you said 35. What the fuck, bro? Yeah, yeah, it would just be like a storage unit and then like. Or like I'd bring it to my house and then it's like every time you leave your house, you're just like, somebody's definitely going and taking that from me. So like you just constant anxiety.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it's not worth it.

[Matt McCusker]

It's like, just go get a job. It's like boredom. It's either you're bored or you're gonna be like, like hair raisingly anxious. And it's like being bored's better. You always just like join CrossFit and Do Jiu jitsu or something.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Work it out another way.

[Matt McCusker]

You're just gamblers, you know, you don't have to risk your freedom.

[Tom Segura]

But fuck, man, yeah, it was cool.

[Matt McCusker]

I, I, you know, I kind of did that from like 18 to embarrassingly not that long ago.

[Tom Segura]

And now you're a successful comedian.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, thank God, man. Otherwise I would have been in.

[Tom Segura]

But now you can walk around, go, man, can you believe I got this clean money?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, thank God I got robbed so much that for real, I could just show the irs. Like, bro, I'm telling you, man, there's nothing there.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Got robbed. Take it up with that other guy. But it is crazy because then people rob you, and then you learn later, like, karma really is, like, it gets people, like, yeah, I would just learn about people who robbed me and, like, stuff. Bad stuff happens to people.

[Tom Segura]

Feels like you're lucky that you learn these lessons without having to suffer the worst consequences, for sure.

[Matt McCusker]

Jail. You feel kind of bad, though. Not going usually. There's the big redemptive arc. You're like, and then I got arrested. And it's like. When you're like, nah, I just kind of worked out. People now I sell tickets on the road. People don't like hearing that, but, no.

[Tom Segura]

I know it's the truth. It's. It's good that you didn't have to go through that to figure it out.

[Matt McCusker]

I know. Although I do have that perverse side of me again, that, like, I have the jail fantasy or, like, how would I have done in jail?

[Tom Segura]

How do you think you would have done?

[Matt McCusker]

I think, all right. I don't know. Again, it's one of those easy things.

[Tom Segura]

Isn't it crazy? Now? I don't know how many guys you know that have been to jail. How. I know. A handful. They're like, yeah, man. It's actually pretty cool. And you're like, what? They're like. They tell you, like, good stories, and they're like, I got a good friend, you know, some wild shit, but, you know, we had fun.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Like, okay, it's got to be kind of fun. But I do think it is pretty depressing.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

My friend was there a bunch of times, and he. He was like, yeah. You know, there's parts of it that were fun, but he's like, mostly it was horrible. And I'm never. I'm never going back there.

[Tom Segura]

I don't think anyone wants to go back.

[Matt McCusker]

Food, man, that's like. That's the one thing. Like, I'm such a dude, I can't even.

[Tom Segura]

I wonder how it would affect your pre diabetes.

[Matt McCusker]

It'd be tough. I'd have to probably go for, like, maybe the Jew, I don't know, Jewish diet or Muslim diet. They, like. That's like. They're like a coveted diet. So you can get there.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Matt McCusker]

So I have to convert? You convert to probably.

[Tom Segura]

You have to convert first, I think.

[Matt McCusker]

So you got to pass a test if you want the diet in jail, you have to, like, exhibit knowledge of the diet. You have to, like. It's like a citizenship test.

[Tom Segura]

Wow.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So some studies, you have to go in there.

[Matt McCusker]

Like, did the Jews do 9, 11? You have to be like, no, not at all. Like, all right, here's your fucking food. Here's your shawarma. No, we did not. We did not do that.

[Tom Segura]

And then you're getting the diet that you want, and they're like, hey, how come you're not doing daily prayer, man? It's five times a day here, pal.

[Matt McCusker]

You're allowed to switch it every, like, couple years. I think it's, like, it's a big deal, like, if you can kind of get that, like, special diet.

[Tom Segura]

Like, well, well, well, if it isn't the old Christian, Muslim, Jew.

[Matt McCusker]

But, yeah, I'm really. I'm actually. I'm very happy. It sounds. It sounds really miserable, man. It's like, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You seem well adjusted, man.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, well, I did a lot of reading. I didn't have time to read, so I kind of got to, like, read a lot. And, like, you know, I got to really kind of reflect. And I also was never. I wasn't ever violent. That was my big thing. I wasn't really violent. I had, like, one time that I, like, really spazzed. But for the most part, like, I would just kind of live and let live if people like.

[Tom Segura]

Did you carry a gun?

[Matt McCusker]

No. Briefly, I had a gun in my house, but that. A gun scared me. I'd look at it and be like. I'd be all high looking at a gun. I'd be like, oh, dude.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. But.

[Matt McCusker]

So. No, I know. And that thing, too. If you got caught with drugs and a gun, it was automatic jail.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

So that's why I was like, I'd rather just lose the money than have a. And, like, I'm not gonna shoot somebody.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I'm no hero. I'm not, like, you know, not like that guy.

[Tom Segura]

Like me. Wait, do you really think I shouldn't ever shave again?

[Matt McCusker]

I think it was kind of cool. I think you should mix it up on people. Dude. I like that. You do, for real, look like a totally different guy.

[Tom Segura]

You know what happened to me? I've told this story, but I was so. I was. This grew back in, like, eight days. Okay.

[Matt McCusker]

So jealous.

[Tom Segura]

I can't get a beard five days into this, so you can't really tell from this photo. I have just, like, some growth.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And I'm at the Lakers game, and at the Lakers game, I see spade and rock like, around here. So I go say, what's up to them, and then it's halftime. So you go into this, like, you Know like, banquet style room with food and drinks. It's kind of loud, but we're just sitting and chatting, blah, blah. You know, just catching up, eating from the thing. And then Sebastian walks up and he says something to them. And then he turns to me and he goes, hey, Sebastian. And I go, what? Like, I know he was just here. Like, I've known him.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And then he turns and he sits over there. And I was like, it's so weird.

[Matt McCusker]

He doesn't recognize. That's nuts.

[Tom Segura]

I don't put it together at first. Like. Like, in the moment, I'm just like, it's his problem. Yeah. Introduced himself. So then I'm like, hey, man. I say something to him. He's like, I can't. I can't hear you. He's like, not much further than you are.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

He's like, I can't hear you. I go, come here. So he comes, and then he just looks at me like, you know, like, dead in the face. And I was like, hey, man. And I just start talking to him, and he's just looking. And then he goes, oh, my God. He goes, jesus Christ. I seen you with shaven.

[Matt McCusker]

I.

[Tom Segura]

What the fuck? He goes, it freaked me out. I fucking didn't know. I was like, God damn it.

[Matt McCusker]

Because the voice would be so familiar, right? What the.

[Tom Segura]

The other thing that you realize, too, is that the grays, they add years naturally, right? So you shave them off and you just look young as hell.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. My. I get it. Like a goatee. And my. My hair is gray and shit. My goatee is just most, like, really gray.

[Tom Segura]

Really gray.

[Matt McCusker]

I look aged. Yeah. When I grow my goatee out, it's like, I look old as hell.

[Tom Segura]

It is cool when I tell people my age and they go, oh, I thought you were, like, 57. I'm like, it's cool.

[Matt McCusker]

I get that a lot too now, I guess.

[Tom Segura]

Austin, man.

[Matt McCusker]

Dude, my hair. My hair. Facial hair grows in. I look like I'm 50 years old.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

We're like, dude, you look old as shit.

[Tom Segura]

It ages you up.

[Matt McCusker]

You've been telling me a lot. Like, dude, I thought, like, I'll get off the stage and, like, say hi to people after shows. And they're like, oh, dude, in the lights, you look like you were like, 55. You look terrible. I'm like, thanks.

[Tom Segura]

Isn't that cool?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, thanks, bro. I appreciate that.

[Tom Segura]

It's real honest.

[Matt McCusker]

Thanks for coming. Thanks for coming. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I shoot this thing next week, and then I'm gonna start. I'm gonna Start having some fun. I think I'm gonna do a mustache for the rest of December.

[Matt McCusker]

Mustache would be nice.

[Tom Segura]

Mustache strong, you know, I can see your face. Don't do that. I saw her.

[Matt McCusker]

I can't grow my. When I was little, my cousin, we were having like a battle with a kayak paddle. It was like a split in half kayak paddle, so they had like sharper edges. And we were like sword fighting in the pool. And he like accidentally slashed my lip open and like literally fillet my lips. Like came like that.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Matt McCusker]

So I had to go to the hospital and I was like maybe 8 years old. And the doctor was like, you know, you'll never be able to grow a mustache. And I just cried.

[Tom Segura]

That's a cool thing to tell an 8 year old.

[Matt McCusker]

So fucked up of him. I could have found out later. I didn't need to know that.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, he could have been like, you'll still be able to grow up mustache.

[Matt McCusker]

He was like, you know you'll never be able to grow a mustache, right? Because I do have like a big gap right here because of where.

[Tom Segura]

Because.

[Matt McCusker]

And he was like. He hit me with that information. I just cried.

[Tom Segura]

Really important to tell an age so fucked up.

[Matt McCusker]

I don't know why he had to tell me that.

[Tom Segura]

Such an asshole, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, it's crazy. I'm already in shock. Like, my face is cut open. I have like my lip. And then everyone thinks I had a cleft palate now. Yeah. I have a scar right here. Like, oh, you had a cleft palate. I'm like, no, hit me in the face with a kai.

[Tom Segura]

I feel like we judge them so hard. The clef ballot. True. Yeah, we really do. We're like, should you even be here?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, that was like, that's an easy fix now, right?

[Tom Segura]

The technology has improved incredibly.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that.

[Matt McCusker]

Because that was a rough one, man. Yeah, you come out, it's like got that snarl.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Had that evil snarl.

[Tom Segura]

The snarl that like. It's also like fucks up the nose a little bit and speech pattern.

[Matt McCusker]

Everyone's like, yeah, yeah, we're gonna hold you back forever.

[Tom Segura]

You're lucky they kept you.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. I don't see. You don't see it anymore. I never see. They must fix that right away.

[Tom Segura]

I just feel like they fix it right away. And also the like, the way that they fix it is a more advanced than like when we were like. And the kid when we. We were kids, you would see it and be like, oh, yeah. But I think now you can deal with it.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, that's. We had kids, and our. Our first kid had, like, a cone head when they came out because she got into the birth canal, but she had the umbilical cord around her neck.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God.

[Matt McCusker]

So she just got her head for real. It was like a pyramid.

[Tom Segura]

No. So was my. My first was like that, too. And he had two things. He had, like, reddish hair, which went away.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And then the other thing is, like, I don't. I remember if it was a month or two in the top of his head, all the hair fell out, but he kept the horseshoe.

[Matt McCusker]

What?

[Tom Segura]

So he looked 50 and it looks so weird. And I was like. I'd be like, yeah, I don't like the way he looks. This is my son.

[Matt McCusker]

This is bullshit.

[Tom Segura]

I was like, what the fuck? And then it came back. I was like, oh, thank God.

[Matt McCusker]

That's. So if he just had, like, male pattern baldness, just his whole life as a baby, that would be so funny.

[Tom Segura]

It's so crazy, bro.

[Matt McCusker]

I didn't know, like, look at this.

[Tom Segura]

It says, cleft pal is usually repaired with a surgical procedure called palatoplasty. When a child is between six and 18 months.

[Matt McCusker]

That'd be nice to give your baby, like, a strong chin, too.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

You might as well just, like, change his eye color and give him a strong chin.

[Tom Segura]

That'd be a.

[Matt McCusker]

That'd be awesome.

[Tom Segura]

They should start doing plastic surgery out of the womb just right away.

[Matt McCusker]

It's not a bad idea.

[Tom Segura]

I know.

[Matt McCusker]

They won't remember it.

[Tom Segura]

Also, this kid's kind of fat. Like, let's thin them out.

[Matt McCusker]

A little kid's dick's kind of small. Let's give him a penis enlargement.

[Tom Segura]

You have boys at all?

[Matt McCusker]

Just girls? Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I have two boys. Boy. It's funny because when you. When you see a boy from birth, like, develop, you just realize, oh, no. They're obsessed with. We're obsessed with our penises our whole lives.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

They're always just like, look at my penis and just grabbing it and just. And you're like, don't do that in your room.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, don't do that. I was. My fear of having a son was that the nurses were going to peep my newborn son setup and then do some sort of math to, like, be able to scope my flaccid setup out and be like, oh, you know what I mean? Do you think there has to be some sort of scale. They have to, like. They see so many dick scales, brand new penises every year that they must Be able to. From the sun, look at the father.

[Tom Segura]

Because. Because I've also had like, I thought I would think so, but then I've had like. I remember a friend who's like, you know, the mom. I don't know, it's all weird. But it said something like when, like, oh, I guess that didn't pass. That gene didn't pass down. Like, in other words, like the dad has a hog. It's a hog and the kid just has a normal one.

[Matt McCusker]

The mom's side. There's a small dick on the mom's side. Blocking.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

It'd be crazy to inherit a big dick from your mom's side.

[Tom Segura]

That would be.

[Matt McCusker]

That'd be kind of nuts. I think that does something to a man.

[Tom Segura]

Especially if the dad clocks it real early.

[Matt McCusker]

That's what I'm saying.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. He's like, the fuck.

[Matt McCusker]

I have a friend who was adopted and he's got a massive hog and his younger brother.

[Tom Segura]

What kind of dimensions are we talking?

[Matt McCusker]

Fat dude.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, absolutely fat parking. He said it's shaped like a parking cone. But the. His little brother one day came in in front of the dad and was like, why is. Why is his bigger than dad's? And it was like he. I was like, bro, you must have felt that.

[Tom Segura]

You feel that for sure.

[Matt McCusker]

I would have been like, I would have banished him.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I would have put. I would have put him in a basket down the Nile going the out.

[Tom Segura]

Get out of here.

[Matt McCusker]

Put your fucking nine year old ass out of here. Yeah, that's rugged if you're. But here's the thing. You'd have to be.

[Tom Segura]

Or are you proud? You're like.

[Matt McCusker]

But you can instill small dick energy in a big dick energy guy, which would be kind of nice. That would be kind of unstoppable.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Tell them all the time. Like, bro, if I had your dick, here's what I would do.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

You tell you just like pump your son up. So we give you a small dick work ethic. You're going to be completely unstoppable.

[Tom Segura]

You really are.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You're not gonna be lazy. You're not just gonna lay there.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. You're gonna be. Although you kind of want big dick guys lazy. You don't want big to guys too active.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Well, being the president, that'd be. That's a disaster.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, I was thinking of just like tearing pussies apart.

[Matt McCusker]

True.

[Tom Segura]

Just because I remember I worked with this guy, he was big guy. And I remember I used to say to him, like, I'D love to see you just grab a woman, you know?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And he was like, yeah. I was like. I was like, I know you got a fucking healthy hog on you. And he was like. I go, have you ever, like, like, heard a woman? He was like, a couple times. And it was stitches. They had to get stitches.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, she probably loved it. That's terrible. That's one of those things that the stories.

[Tom Segura]

Then there's guys that, like, want to give somebody to stitches.

[Matt McCusker]

I know it's kind of fucked up that.

[Tom Segura]

That's the. I don't think this guy was actually. I mean, you don't know, but I don't think he was like that. I think for sure. A huge fucking guy.

[Matt McCusker]

A huge hog. Yeah. But, yeah, I mean, that must be. Do you think there was some element of him that. Or some part of him that was kind of like. Like, prideful? Like?

[Tom Segura]

I think part of your brain has to go like, this is what happens.

[Matt McCusker]

This what happens. It's not about pleasure at this point. It's just about, like, just telling the up.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know, man. I got this big old dick is what happens, man.

[Matt McCusker]

It's tough to love me. I got this big old dick.

[Tom Segura]

It's a tuna can. And it just.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Stretches you out.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. I.

[Tom Segura]

But that is some woman's. Like, there are women who will tell you, I don't want anything to do with that, but there's still a percentage that are like, yeah, that'd be amazing.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, I need that.

[Tom Segura]

I need that to feel alive.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Although I've. I've heard. I've heard some say. And again, I don't know if they're just kind of hyping me up, but I've heard some women say, like, look, man, you don't need it that big. It's kind of a. It's kind of a curse.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

But I don't agree. Just showing it off would be awesome.

[Tom Segura]

I think that's the part. It's the visual. The visual of it. Everybody goes, wow. When you see something big.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Another part of. Is, like, living with it and having, you know, to use it. It's a different thing.

[Matt McCusker]

I have talked to guys who have felt used, who, like, been like, dude, I. I feel like women just use me for my penis. They want to, like, actually have a relationship with me. H. I'm like, oh, that sucks, dude.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

You can't watch Lifetime. That's what you're worried about.

[Tom Segura]

So you're bummed out about.

[Matt McCusker]

You can't watch the Real Housewives, dude, that sucks.

[Tom Segura]

They're just using you for your perfect dick.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. I'm like, dude, I don't want to hear that. I had a guy one time in an office, like, third day, we shared like an office room, and he was like, yeah, I got a 9 inch dick. He just like, just throws it out there, threw it out to me. And I was like, oh, cool, man. That's what's up. He just threw it out to me and it just changed our relationship forever.

[Tom Segura]

Was it good?

[Matt McCusker]

His dick you're talking about?

[Tom Segura]

No, no. Like your relationship, like, it was all right.

[Matt McCusker]

It was okay. But then he just like threw. It was like he didn't even have a chance to like, like to set. He just threw that right into the mix.

[Tom Segura]

That's such a weird.

[Matt McCusker]

Why are you trying to do. Why are you doing that to me right now?

[Tom Segura]

He just wanted you to go, like, I guess you'll. You'll run things around here.

[Matt McCusker]

I think so. I think he was trying to establish pecking order. He's like, you'll be my little dick minion and I'm gonna have you. Have you do my bidding.

[Tom Segura]

So just so you know, when I say something, it goes, yeah, true. I'm in charge. I have the nine. That's a crazy way to do it.

[Matt McCusker]

I think he was maybe telling a story. He's like, threw it in as a detail. And I was just kind of like, all right, dude, that's. That's what's up. But yeah. Although I. I kind of did. I didn't. I never. I would just leave.

[Tom Segura]

You should have just turned and busted out a ruler. Be like, prove it.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, bust it out right now.

[Tom Segura]

Guys all lie about.

[Matt McCusker]

I. That's. You should never lie. I don't know why people lie up. It's like, lie down.

[Tom Segura]

Nine is. It's bigger than you think I would imagine. Yeah, nine inches, bro.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Come on.

[Matt McCusker]

He was claiming. Yeah, he. It's. I don't know. That's what he claimed. He threw it in the mix.

[Tom Segura]

And what was his physical description?

[Matt McCusker]

He just was like a. About the same height as me, but he did have like slightly crow magnan face. That led me to believe it. Like, you might have a giant. You know, I hit a big dick face. It was just like, face.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Deep eye sockets.

[Tom Segura]

And like, you wanted one of the most depressed. One time I went in. We were doing a. It was a business thing. Like, I was working in post and we were going to a different facility and there was this chick working there who you could tell had just like ho energy. And she was super flirty and like, inappropriate. Right? And like, just like, you know, just real fucking kind of gutter trash energy. And so we were just whatever, talking. She's kind of flirty. And then I don't know how this comes about, but she's like, yeah, I have this ability where I can like. I can guess your dick size exactly. And I was like, really? And we're in like this kind of flirtatious rhythm. Yeah, I mean, the energy is like. It's fun. Yeah, I'm having fun with it for sure. And I was like, oh, really? And I was like, well, okay. So then guess mine. And I'm like, just like, what's this going to be?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And she's like, how about I draw it? And I'm like, what? All right. And so she takes a piece of paper and draws and hands it to me. And it is like a perfect oversized. Just like. Like a porn.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And I was like, wow, you're. You're good at this. You nailed it. And then I got scared.

[Matt McCusker]

She drew it hard or soft.

[Tom Segura]

It was. I mean, it's just like. It was just like a dimension.

[Matt McCusker]

Like a hand. Like a dimension. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And then I had so much fear inside of me. That she likes to see it? No, that, like. Yeah, that I was like, I'm definitely gonna not live up to what she just drew. And like, I gotta get out of here. Like, I gotta leave this building. I was like, almost like. They were like, now go into this room and show her. And I was just like, yeah, we should definitely hang out sometime. And I was like, I'll never.

[Matt McCusker]

I'll never.

[Tom Segura]

Yes. Because let the mystery your expectations are so.

[Matt McCusker]

We were. When I was in seventh grade, we had like two of the hottest eighth grade girls. Just took it upon themselves to pressure people to see their penises.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God.

[Matt McCusker]

And I would be on the bus shivering with fear. I had like four pubes. I was like, dude, please don't get my tiny unpube penis. And they were like, it never got to me, finally. But they did make a couple of boys show them their penises. And we like 8th graders checking our pubes. They'd be like, you got pubes? Like, you have to like, pull your thing down. Like, look at my pubes, dude. That's so many fucking pubes, dude.

[Tom Segura]

Dude, These three Dominican girls one time got me to show them my dick.

[Matt McCusker]

You know? It's crazy.

[Tom Segura]

And it was like. I was like, no. And they're like, we Never seen a white. A white guy's dick before. And I was like. And so they.

[Matt McCusker]

Hey, when was this? Like, last week.

[Tom Segura]

It was last week.

[Matt McCusker]

I had a shaved face.

[Tom Segura]

I was like, no one will recognize me, so.

[Matt McCusker]

Damn, you were a schoolboy. They pressured you.

[Tom Segura]

This was. Oh, this is college.

[Matt McCusker]

Okay. All right.

[Tom Segura]

And they were like, we never seen a white guy's dick. And I was like, okay. And so, I don't know. I was like, I'm not doing this. I'm not doing this. And then, like, part of your mind is like, what if this turns into, like, a really cool, like, foursome?

[Matt McCusker]

For sure.

[Tom Segura]

So. But the thing was, I would. I would, like, they were, like, sitting on this couch. I would go in the other room and just start fluffing.

[Matt McCusker]

I was like, you'd have to.

[Tom Segura]

Cause I. You know, And I was. I had so much anxiety that your body's like, oh, yeah. So I'm just sitting there, just. Just stroking away. Yeah. I'm, like, about to jizz. And then I'm like, okay.

[Matt McCusker]

All right, everyone ready? Open your eyes. Wow.

[Tom Segura]

And then I remember I showed it to them, and they were like, it's so white. I was like, yeah, I'm white.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

They're like, I've never seen a white one. It's so white. And I was like, so there's more.

[Matt McCusker]

About the color than the dimensions.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, they were just like. I mean. Yeah, I fluffed it hard, dude. Really? I mean, I was tugging.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. And they were just kind of like, okay.

[Tom Segura]

Like, I was like, yeah, let me go get some. From the other room. I just was like, obviously. Yeah, yeah. And then one. It was, like, presentable.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. That's when I, like, all right, you.

[Matt McCusker]

Guys can just come in now.

[Tom Segura]

And then I was, like, waiting, like, so who's gonna, like, take it first? And they're like, no, we just want to see.

[Matt McCusker]

I was like, oh, I fluffed for the dermatologist one time. Yeah, I. Dude, I had, like, a hard. I don't know what. I think it was, like, eczema, but I thought it was, like, some other type of rash, so I had to go to the dermatologist. And, like, it just so happened to be. There was this, like, really, like, there's this dermatologist in Philly who's just like, it's. It's kind of ridiculous. Like, my friend, she is. Yeah, it's like. It's kind of unreal. And my friend was, like, actually doing, like, medical sales, and he was. He knew exactly who I was talking About So she was like, all right, I got to see it. Like, I knew it was coming. So I just kind of was in the waiting room trying to like, like, quietly kind of fluff myself up. It's going like Instagram and try to find like ladies shaking their, like, anything.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

And as soon as I got in front of her, it was just like, just shriveled. Right? It was like a shriveled, like red, dried out penis.

[Tom Segura]

And I've never seen a smaller version of my dick than at the doctor's office. It's like, I've told doctors, I'm like, it really gets better.

[Matt McCusker]

This is nothing.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

That is crazy for them to see that many dicks. That's got to kind of wipe you out.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

If you got to look at them all day.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

You know what I mean? Because then you know exactly what you're saying. At least guys have like that air of mystery in their head where they.

[Tom Segura]

Can kind of be like, I've asked a urologist. I was like, what's the biggest dick you've ever seen? And they're like, oh, yeah, you. You don't forget. It's really. Because it's, it's, it's a. It is a just line of pathetic dicks that just don't register. And then every once in a while there's like, just like some old guy just goes like, yeah. And they're like, wow. Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Holy shit.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, man. It's got to be. I always wonder about this too. With like, especially like women, like, women have that just like anthology in their head dicks. So. Yeah, they know, man. There's always that. They always. There's always that. Like that one charizard they'd seen, they're.

[Tom Segura]

Like, oh, my God.

[Matt McCusker]

And it's like, does it mean as much to them as it means to us? And I don't. I genuinely don't think it does.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know.

[Matt McCusker]

I think it's awesome.

[Tom Segura]

There's a woman in the booth. What do you think, Nana? No, that's.

[Matt McCusker]

What? No. What? What?

[Tom Segura]

Say it again.

[Matt McCusker]

It doesn't matter. You're a good woman.

[Tom Segura]

You don't stay with that one memory of that. Like, that was. That was the outlier fucking.

[Matt McCusker]

I mean, there is an outlier for everyone.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Here we go. Here comes the truth.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Tell us the truth.

[Matt McCusker]

Here comes the truth.

[Tom Segura]

Does. So does he. Does stay in your mind, though.

[Matt McCusker]

I mean. Yeah. You don't forget. But I'm not. Are you reminded every time if, like, say you're with Like. Like a boyfriend. Every time you look at his penis, does it like trigger a flashback of like the biggest one you've ever seen? No, that's my fear. No, no, no. Really? Yeah. Because once you're in love, that's all you care about is your. Thank God girls brains are set up the way they're set up. That's awesome. Really? That wipes it out. Yeah. So it does matter to bring home flowers. I'm erasing the memory of the biggest dick a woman's ever seen.

[Tom Segura]

Absolutely. Every time you say I love you, she forgets his dick a little more.

[Matt McCusker]

It shrinks.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, she's like, you know, I don't really remember.

[Matt McCusker]

Those pants look great on you. It's just like, just a little bit. Shrinks.

[Tom Segura]

I thought you said it was an eight inch dick. She's like, no, I was like seven.

[Matt McCusker]

Wasn't even that fat, come to think of it.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, really?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, we're going on vacation. I'm gonna shrink this thing down.

[Tom Segura]

Shrink it down. Dude.

[Matt McCusker]

That's good. That's actually a. I'm happy to hear that. That's great.

[Tom Segura]

I think. I definitely think that we are more obsessed with for sure than. You want to see mine.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, we'll just show what is look on a day. Why that's that. Dude, I've been trying to play the big, big dick bad boy to my wife. Now I'm gonna switch it up. I'm going, nice guy. I've been fluffing for her. I've been trying to do big, big dick bad boy. I mean, like, I don't. Here we see that. Oh, you actually show me your nice.

[Tom Segura]

It's pretty good, right?

[Matt McCusker]

That's fucking great. I had my regular dick queued up. Oh, wow. Some of my butthole in there somehow too. Spread eagle shot.

[Tom Segura]

All right, well, thanks for coming. This was fun, man.

[Matt McCusker]

It was a blast, dude. Thanks for having me.

[Tom Segura]

We both have co hosts regularly. How do you keep it like, you know, mine's a fucking. How do you keep it fresh with your guy? How do you guys. You guys have a good dynamic.

[Matt McCusker]

We're fresh right now because I've. He's filming, so he's been. He. We've done couples. He's gone.

[Tom Segura]

You miss each other.

[Matt McCusker]

We miss. I miss him so dearly right now. Yeah, What I do is I try filming right now. Yeah, they're about. I think they should be wrapped up like next week, I think. But I. What I try to do is I read constantly and I read subject matter that I know bothers him immensely. Bring it up. And it's. It's so fun every week to just expose him to, like. Like, esoteric, kind of, like, weird spiritual stuff, and he hates it. There's no time for it.

[Tom Segura]

That's great.

[Matt McCusker]

So it's very. That kind of makes me laugh every time to watch it. And he likes to, like, dismantle all the ideas.

[Tom Segura]

I think I would have to take that role because my buddy can't read, so.

[Matt McCusker]

But, yeah, it's fun. It's also the thrill of, like, we don't prepare anything. So every week comes, and it's like, can we summon an hour of something out of the ether?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

It makes it kind of fun to be, like. Especially when it's not working. We're both looking at each other like, fuck, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

What do you do then?

[Matt McCusker]

We just repeat stories we've told before.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Okay.

[Matt McCusker]

That's all we did.

[Tom Segura]

My guy just has a drink drill. Okay. All right. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you for coming, man. It was fun. Make sure you see Matt on tour. Get [e-mail] of course. Check out Matt and Shane's secret podcast wherever podcasts are available.

[Matt McCusker]

Very important.

[Tom Segura]

And. Yeah, man. Thanks so much for coming.

[Matt McCusker]

Thank you. Appreciate it. Bert, Tom, Tom and Bert.

[Tom Segura]

One goes topless while the other wears a shirt.

[Matt McCusker]

Tom tells stories, and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean.

[Bert Kreischer]

Here's what we call two bears, one cave.