My Soul Will Always Be Fat | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Summary

Podcast Summary: 2 Bears, 1 Cave – “My Soul Will Always Be Fat”

Hosts: Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Network: YMH Studios
Release Date: December 8, 2025

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer, best friends and stand-up comedians, reconvene in their signature laid-back style to riff about weight loss journeys, body image, personal insecurities, comparisons in comedy and business, celebrity run-ins, and the year’s highlights. This candid, self-deprecating, and often hilarious conversation focuses on Bert's physical transformation using weight loss drugs, Tom's unwavering love for pastries, and the perennial struggle of finding (and accepting) your personal style—onstage and off.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Bert’s Weight Loss Journey & Manjaro Experience

(00:21 – 06:30)

• Bert opens up about feeling “weak” from being “skinny now,” joking about health kicks before coming clean.
• He reveals he’s not using only holistic means:

  “No, I'm so fucking tired of this health fit movement. I just gave up. I'm on Manjaro.” – Bert (00:54)

• Four weeks on Manjaro, down 25 pounds; he describes the process, including a DEXA scan:

  “There was 90 pounds of fat sitting in my stomach… visceral fat's a killer.” (03:08)

• Bert discusses the mental aspect and social stigma:

  “When people used Ozempic, I was like, why didn’t you just put in the work?... Now I'm the guy.” (03:51)

• Immediate side effects include appetite suppression and nausea:

  “Two days later, I'm in an airport, and everything's disgusting. I can't look at food... I just started violently throwing up.” (04:22)

• Struggle with losing his signature excess:

  “So much of what I think may have been defining, characteristic of me...” (05:24)

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2. Identity, Food & The "Fat Soul"

(05:29 – 10:24)

• Bert and Tom commiserate over lifelong attachments to food and indulgence, discussing petrifying changes:

  “I love going, getting three meals at a restaurant… now I just order one meal, like a crazy person.” – Bert (05:32, 05:47)

• Manjaro changes taste and drinking:

  “I can't even have a drink… I just can't.” – Bert (06:11)

• Tom empathizes with his own diet struggles, especially with increased protein intake:

  “I've been farting like crazy… it’s unbelievable… so long, so powerful. I'm so proud of them.” – Tom (06:30, 07:53)

• Bert comments on Manjaro’s effect on bodily functions:

  “Manjaro farts have a sweet cherry tint to them… Manjaro shits are pretty fucking awesome. Like crude oil.” (08:00–08:12)

• On the inescapable "fat soul":

  “I have lost a lot of weight, but I am and will ever, forever will be fat. My soul is fat.” – Tom (10:02)

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3. Appearance, Insecurity, & Comparison

(10:24 – 22:42)

• Funny riff about Tom tucking in shirts and the resulting fan reactions.
• Bert shares how seeing Tom’s ventures (pastry shop) and social posts awakened his own insecurities:

  “I started beating myself up. I'm like, I don't do shit. God damn it, man, what if I'm just a comic? What if I don’t really have great ideas outside of it?” – Bert (19:01)

• On the destructive nature of comparison:

  “Comparison is the thief of joy.” – Tom (19:03)

• Tom reframes Bert’s contributions:

  “You're thinking about investment in one way, but it’s broader than that... You own a bunch of real estate, man. That is investing.” (20:35)

• Bert values being “an ideas guy” and wanting to focus on creativity:

  “I don’t really give a fuck about anything but just coming up with good ideas.” (22:10)

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4. Comedy Careers & Style (Wardrobe)

(22:42 – 51:41)

• Mutual praise for each other’s stand-up:

  “Your special is going to be so fucking big.” – Bert to Tom (22:42) “You're gassing me up today bro.” – Tom (23:50)

• Bert’s anxiety about fashion and appearing grown-up:

  “Where do adults buy clothes?... I feel like when I put on those clothes, I'm putting on a costume.” (25:18, 46:59) “It feels so weird to be wearing shoes right now... like inside a house.” (25:38)

• Tom’s approach:

  “I think you should be comfortable. You should wear whatever the fuck you want to wear.” (47:03)

  • Describes his own evolution: always liking “nice clothes,” but remembers “embracing being a sloppy comic for a couple years.” (47:24–49:03)
• On comics aging into style:

  “When you get older as a comic, are you supposed to start dressing maybe a little more adult?” – Bert (50:54) “I think it’s a total fucking choice... The reason that Big J... works for him is it's completely authentic.” – Tom (51:07, 51:17)

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5. Celebrity Run-ins, The CMAs, and Red Carpet Stories

(28:47 – 37:25)

• Bert narrates being invited to CMAs, getting “unwarranted credit” for breaking country artists on his podcast.
• Classic Leanne moment—moving friends to the front of the red carpet, causing chaos.
• Meeting Steve Martin (“Not great, really.”) vs. positive experience with Billy Bob Thornton.
• Sitting near Lil Wayne & Big X the Plug.

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6. Parenting, Kids & Generational Fashion

(43:31 – 46:05)

• Tom shares his 7-year-old’s sudden fascination with suits and hair gel, compared to Bert’s late discovery of mirrors in eighth grade.

  “He goes: I want a fucking suit.” – Tom (44:10) “I didn’t discover mirrors until I was in eighth grade.” – Bert (45:28)

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7. Year-in-Review, Two Bears Highlights & The Path Ahead

(56:11 – 66:19)

• Reflect on Two Bears 5K events as “the most positive thing that's ever come from our entertainment careers.”
• Candid acknowledgments that their schedules limit future podcasting together, but they promise continued episodes with guests and occasional live events.
• Exchanges about future projects, stand-up, family holiday plans, upcoming Netflix specials, and changes for 2026:

  “I just want to say to the fans that we are cognizant to make sure this is a priority… We hope you guys just ride with us.” – Bert (65:52)

• Closing mantra:

  “I'm going back to old Burt. Fuck my inner dialogue… Fuck conformity. This is who the fuck I am.” – Bert (66:14–66:24)

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Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• "No, I'm so fucking tired of this health fit movement. I just gave up. I'm on Manjaro." – Bert (00:54)
• "I have lost a lot of weight, but I am and will ever, forever will be fat. My soul is fat." – Tom (10:02)
• "Comparison is the thief of joy." – Tom (19:03)
• "I feel like when I put on those clothes, I'm putting on a costume. Does that make sense?" – Bert (46:59)
• "I think you should be comfortable. You should wear whatever the fuck you want to wear." – Tom (47:03)
• “I'm going back to old Burt. Fuck my inner dialogue… Fuck conformity. This is who the fuck I am.” – Bert (66:14–66:24)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:21 – 06:30: Bert on weight loss, Manjaro, and health.
• 10:02: Tom on having a "fat soul," pastries, and indulgence.
• 19:03: Discussion of insecurity and "comparison is the thief of joy."
• 28:47 – 37:25: Bert’s CMAs stories, Steve Martin, Billy Bob Thornton.
• 43:31 – 46:05: Parenting stories and personal appearance epiphanies.
• 56:11 – End: Reflections on the Two Bears 5K, the year’s highlights, changes to the podcast, and affirmations of authenticity.

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Conclusion

This episode is a quintessential, heartfelt “2 Bears” conversation—layered with self-deprecating humor, insightful takes on modern self-improvement pressure, and authentic grappling with identity, both as performers and regular guys. Bert’s weight loss reflects greater questions of self-worth and public scrutiny, while Tom’s “fat soul” confession is emblematic of the show’s embrace of both change and self-acceptance. Through all the riffing, the profound thread is about being true to yourself—onstage, at a restaurant, or in a suit—with plenty of laughs (and a few fart jokes) along the way.

Transcript

[Bert Kreischer]

100%.

[Tom Segura]

Welcome to another episode. Two bears, one K. We're here in Bert's lair. It's been a minute, dude. How you. How you doing? How you feeling?

[Bert Kreischer]

Weak.

[Tom Segura]

Why are you feeling weak?

[Bert Kreischer]

Because I'm skinny now, and this is what skinny people feel like.

[Tom Segura]

They just feel.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Powerful.

[Tom Segura]

How are you so skinny? What happened?

[Bert Kreischer]

Natural. Not using any drugs. It's good. It's just self discipline. You know, I get up at 5 in the morning and I go to the gym, and then I barely sleep at night. I do cold plunge. I do aromatherapy. I do red light therapy.

[Tom Segura]

Awesome.

[Bert Kreischer]

I, you know, I get my vitamin D. I say my gratitudes. I journal.

[Tom Segura]

Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

All this stuff.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then I go right back to bed.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I'm so fucking tired of this health fit movement. I just gave up. I'm on Manjaro.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And it's been how long?

[Bert Kreischer]

I just took my fourth shot Sunday.

[Tom Segura]

And so in a month, how much are you down?

[Bert Kreischer]

£25.

[Tom Segura]

That's pretty ridiculous, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I tell you.

I don't know if I would. I would recommend it if it's a health thing. I would like.

[Tom Segura]

You need to. For your health benefits.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Yeah. So I sent you my.

[Tom Segura]

Your DEXA scan.

[Bert Kreischer]

My DEXA scan. And it was. I went to the doctor and I said, my cardiologist and I have blood work at. For waste. Well, and my doctor was like, yeah, you're weighing in pretty heavy. Like, this is the heaviest you've been. And I was like, I think I was 275 last time. And he's like, well, 274 and 275 are the same.

[Tom Segura]

Pretty much, yeah. You made the point to say I'm only 274.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then I. Then I told him, you know, I'm really strong, so. And I don't know if you know this, but muscle weighs more than fat.

[Tom Segura]

You told your cardiologist this.

[Bert Kreischer]

And he was like, wow, how much muscle's in there? I said, I bench 325 this year. And he was like, really? And then he just said casually, I benched 315 in med school. And I was like, shut the fuck up. Like, way to take my.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

What are we doing?

[Tom Segura]

Why are you big timing me, dude?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And then he said, you know, we have a machine to tell you exactly how much muscle's in there, and I'd love for you to do it. And fucking Leanne was in there. She's like, book it. Book it. I'll take him right now. And so they Took me, and I didn't really totally fit on the DEXA scan machine. Like, my arms were falling off of it. I couldn't get them close to me, so I had to hold my arms tight. And they did my Dex scan. And it was like. I sent it to you. I forget what my numbers were. Yeah, but it was, like, 45% fat.

[Tom Segura]

It was. Yeah. I mean, I don't think it was that high, but it was.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was. It was. Hang on. I'll tell you the exact. I said. I just texted it to you.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I have it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I have it. But it was 45% fat. I think it was ridiculous. It was like, 40 fat at least. But he said there was 90 pounds of fat sitting in my stomach.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, that's your danger area. So that's. So do you. So you are doing it for health reasons, right? Like.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, he told me, you're not diabetic, you're not pre diabetic. All your numbers are fine. Even my liver numbers are fine. Everything's fine. He's like, but having said that, I think you need this to get rid of that visceral fat. He goes, visceral fat's a killer. And he's like, I'm looking at your liver. I'm mammogramming it or sonogramming it. And he goes, I'm supposed to see a line right here, but I can't because there's so much fat. And he was like. And he was like, you need to lose that. And so I said, well, I don't want to do it. I don't want to, because, you know, there's. I don't know what the fuck, but everyone's turned it. And I'm sure we'll get tons of comments going, cheater.

Whatever they want to say about it. But that was how I felt when people used Ozempic. I was like, why didn't you just put in the work? Why didn't you just find self control? Why didn't you do. I always said that. I did say that. And then I saw Amy Schumer's pictures and I was like, holy shit, she looks fucking amazing.

And the doctor said, I can give this to you and you can take it, or I'll see you in three months and you'll be £300. And I was like, okay. And I came back and I was like. And then one night, I was just like, fuck it. I give up. I give up. I'm gonna do it. And I did it.

Oh. Like, two days later, I'm in an airport, and everything's disgusting. I mean, I can't look at food. I can't. I'm like, I can't even have a drink. About to get on a plane to Boston. I can't have a drink. The people at Private Suite that take care of me all the time, they're like. They're like, dude, what's up? And I was like, I'm on that mounjaro. And they're like, I don't like you like this. And they just started violently throwing up for.

Seven to 10 minutes on the phone with Leanne. I called Leanne. She was in a meeting about the thing we got coming up. May. Yeah. And she was on a phone call, and I'm just in the bathroom.

And.

I mean, it's really weird. I can't eat. I don't want to eat. I never want to eat. Like, food. I have no interest in food.

[Tom Segura]

So it's working.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's working incredible. But I panic. I benched 275 three times the other day. So I'm trying to make sure my strength's up, but I just don't. I don't know. It pulls away.

So much of what I think may have been defining, characteristic of me.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah. Impulse and excess.

[Bert Kreischer]

An excess I love.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love. I love going. Getting three meals at a restaurant. I've seen it.

[Tom Segura]

It's pretty wild. Yeah. It's insane. So now you just order one meal like a crazy person.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's bizarre.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I just go in and they go, do you want appetizers? And I'm like, no. And they're like, okay. And they're like, what can I get you to drink? And I was like, I always try to get a drink, but I can't. I can. I, like, I can't. So you can't drink?

[Tom Segura]

You can't. Oh, no.

[Bert Kreischer]

Beer. I can drink. I can drink. But it's not. It's not like. It was like, does it taste the same? I'm almost like. Like, I tried drinking at an airport the other day, and I was like.

[Tom Segura]

Well, how long will you stay on it? Is there, like an end goal or something? Like, how will you dictate whether or.

[Bert Kreischer]

Not until I'm unrelatable?

[Tom Segura]

So you're going to try to go all the way down?

[Bert Kreischer]

Fucking £186.

[Tom Segura]

Hey.

[Bert Kreischer]

People don't recognize me.

[Tom Segura]

That's great.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like you.

[Tom Segura]

Thank you.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I just. I don't know. I guess you're supposed to stay on it.

[Tom Segura]

I have been farting so much. We got. We caught one right before we recorded in the mic here.

But I've been farting like crazy and I think it's like. So I've been eating four meals a day. That's the right. And it's all portioned out right. So hit these like macros. And I'm. I'm eating 200 grams of protein a day, which isn't that crazy. But you still have to like.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you have someone making these meals for you?

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. Yeah, I'd like to get to that.

[Tom Segura]

Well, that. So it's great. And it does feel like a chore, I have to tell you. Like the, the. I don't know, I just realized that I wouldn't. If I didn't have it like as a plan, I wouldn't be eating this first meal and then I work out and then I have a meal afterwards, then I have another meal and then I have. I wouldn't eat. Like, I would eat. I would be eating less food but probably my macros would be all off. But the farts are like, it's unbelievable. And I have. I have to imagine that they're protein based farts. Right? They're just so long, so powerful. I'm so proud of them. But I just don't know if I can sustain this level of farting forever.

I mean. You heard that?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was aggressive.

[Tom Segura]

It was really aggressive. That's how they are all day. They sound like fireworks.

[Bert Kreischer]

Manjaro farts have a sweet cherry tint to them.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Bert Kreischer]

They're nice. I like them.

[Tom Segura]

You do like them?

[Bert Kreischer]

Manjaro shits are pretty fucking awesome.

[Tom Segura]

Are they splattery or like, are they.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, they come out like crude oil.

[Tom Segura]

Just really.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, just like you. Just like you were shooting at a deer and you missed it and you hit a spot and it just goes.

Yeah, the shits are pretty nice.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I got.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's nice to be a person that doesn't. That no one watches eat.

[Tom Segura]

It used used to just be a spectacle. Like, look at this guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

My. I'm not going to tell this in the special now, but my niece was in the. My niece is four. We were in a hot tub in Hawaii. Yeah. She goes, uncle Bert, why are you so fat? And I was like, jesus, this is fun to find out. You're autistic.

[Tom Segura]

Lola, how long ago was that?

[Bert Kreischer]

This is a month. Month. Two months ago.

[Tom Segura]

My boys, like a couple weeks ago, they go, where's fat sticks? And I was like, oh, he's. He's in L. A. And they're like, we haven't seen him.

[Bert Kreischer]

In a long time.

[Tom Segura]

I go, yeah, no, he's still there. They're like, we want to see fat sticks. I'm like, okay, I'll tell him.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, I got to see him soon while I'm still fat. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Otherwise they're going to be like, I don't know this guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Someone asked me at a meeting the other day, and this guy goes, hey, can I. Can I get fat astronauts? And I was like, what for? He goes, I want to make it with you and Tom. I was like, I think that ship sailed, buddy. He was like, you guys wouldn't do it. And I was like, no. I was like, Tom's 186 pounds, and I'm a manjaro.

[Tom Segura]

It's going to have to be just old astronauts.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's old astronauts, skinny ass astronauts.

[Tom Segura]

Can we pivot it to just geriatric astronauts?

By the way, if you want to get fat, you have to come visit.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, stop, stop, stop. I'm dying to hear about this pastry shop, bro.

[Tom Segura]

It's unbelievable. I mean, it is because I'm. I have lost a lot of weight, but I am. I. I am and will ever, forever will be fat. My soul is fat. It doesn't matter how much I weigh. I'm always going to be fat. And my. My always. My. My weakest point was always pastries. So it's like. It is like my fat dream coming true.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hold on. I have two questions. I have two questions. Okay. Yeah. Number one, and play the video. What? When did this tuck shirt thing happen?

[Tom Segura]

Nice. So I'll tell you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Shirt in all the time.

[Tom Segura]

No, it's this day. I went in there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, no, it's at the Two Bears 5K in Tampa. You talked about.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, I got a lot of shit for that, too.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Yeah. I don't. What is this tucked thing in thing? Is this a new thing? I don't know.

[Tom Segura]

I. I mean, I. I just feel like I'm going to start embracing it and doing it more now that people are pointing it out. I'm gonna do it all the time.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's so off putting.

[Tom Segura]

Is it off putting?

[Bert Kreischer]

It literally looks like they go, tom, can you put this shirt on? And you go, huh? And they go, and tuck it in, please. You go, yes, sir.

[Tom Segura]

Well, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna tuck everything now. I'm gonna tuck everything. I'm gonna do.

[Bert Kreischer]

Did you tuck your shirt in in your special?

[Tom Segura]

No, but I'm gonna ask him to do it in post.

Yeah, I want it. I want it to.

[Bert Kreischer]

So tell me. Okay, tell me. Beginning to end. I'm sitting with my dad. My dad, by the way, recently just fell in love with Charo.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God.

[Bert Kreischer]

My mom and my dad, they're like, have you ever seen Tom stand up? And I went, yeah. And they go, he is fucking hysterical. They go, but he's got this joke where he gives his mom too much edibles. Burnt it is the funniest. He's so good at. They go on. You and Pete Davidson are my dad's two favorite comics. And my dad's unaware that Pete Davidson does stand up. He just likes his capital one commercials.

[Tom Segura]

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[Bert Kreischer]

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[Tom Segura]

He likes the Capital One ads.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was that Pete guy, man. He's likable. He know his dad died in line 11. Yeah. You know he dated Kim Kardashian. You know he has tats all over and he's getting them removed. He bought an island ferry. He goes, yeah, I love this guy. I go, have you watched? Do you like his stand up? He goes, he does stand up too. I go, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

What do you know him for?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, Capital One. Capital One and interview, like, and interviews. He goes, he's. He's great on Seth Meyers.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. He, he's like, the funny thing is, Pete like straddles. He's a comic, but he's also like a legit celebrity. So he does like celebrity stuff too.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, he's very seamless too.

[Tom Segura]

Was that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, very seamlessly. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So that.

[Bert Kreischer]

So then my dad says, he goes, he goes, buddy wakes up, he goes, what's up with Tom and fucking pastries, bro?

[Tom Segura]

There's. I just went, I just went. And I.

I was there yesterday and it was just like.

It'S a dream. So what it is, I just literally imagine if you walked into your favorite, I don't know, burger shop somewhere and then you're like, hey, will you come make them in my neighborhood? And the people say, yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

How did it start? How did it start?

[Tom Segura]

It started in LA five years ago, six years ago, where they had a pastry like bakery in LA that somebody tipped me off to. They're like, oh, do you like? Because I was talking about croissants. They go, oh, best croissant in la. And I go, where? And they said, this place, Cinque Terre West. So I went. And it legit was like amazing. It was amazing. And then I just formed a friendship with Giamba and Marlo. They own it and he's the baker and she's his.

Wife and business partner. And so that's them right there. And then I just kept in touch with them and I always said, I wish you would do this in Austin. And basically, long story short, they said, let's do it. And so we're building a restaurant right now. Like, it's under construction right now, but we have a pop up shop, which is the one you've been seeing online, and that's at the Fairground Food hall in downtown Austin, right under the Wells Fargo building. And dude, it's. I mean, it's fresh baked, homemade. Every day, everything the croissants the focaccia. Everything is. And it. And it's. And like, they came up with new things. The last. When I was there yesterday, that was just unbelievable, dude. And people are coming in, and the reason it's going so well is because of the quality of the food. It's super legit. It's the best stuff I've ever had. That's great.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you know.

Not to get meta about this, but do you know the death by comparison?

[Tom Segura]

Death by comparison? You mean, like, as an idea, like.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, like, people beat themselves up by comparing themselves to other people.

[Tom Segura]

Right. The thief of joy. Right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Comparison is the thief of joy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So I'm sitting with my dad on the back every day when he was here at 2, we'd have a drink and a cigar.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And, buddy, it was tough to get that fucking drink down, because I can't. Whiskey. It sucks so much to not want to get day drunk or to not to just be like, oh, so my dad's, like, obsessed with this Charo bit.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And between you and Pete Davidson. My dad's. And my dad's like, so, what's up with the pastries? I go, yeah, Tom's starting a pastry shop. Tom's more like a businessman. And then I started beating myself up. I'm like, I don't do shit. Yeah. And I was like, God damn it, man. What if I'm just a comic? Like, what if I don't really have great ideas outside of it? And then I was really kind of beating myself up a little bit. And Tom, I swear to God, it's the reason I wore shoes today. Because I saw a post that Kevin Hart did that day, and he was like, what's up, everybody? I got this tequila or whatever. I got this thing. I got this new joint venture with Capital One or whatever. And he was wearing shoes in the post. And I was like, I don't ever have shoes on. I never put on shoes.

[Tom Segura]

That's what made you think to wear shoes?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Yeah. Cause everyone. All the grownups wear shoes.

[Tom Segura]

You're just coming to this realization.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Yeah. I'm always barefoot. I'm always fucking barefoot.

[Tom Segura]

It's part of who you are.

[Bert Kreischer]

It is. And then I was like.

And then the reason I say this, I think people can be guilty of this by comparing themselves to even someone they love or close with and then feeling shitty about themselves.

[Tom Segura]

Can I. Can I make a point, though, about that real quick? Is that you're thinking about investment in one way, but it's broader than that. I'LL just say this and then tell me if you don't think of yourself as an investor. Real estate.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't do any of that, Tom. That's Liam.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, but it's you guys. Like, you own a bunch of real estate, man. That is investing. You know what I mean?

[Bert Kreischer]

The thing that saved me was I'm not good. You're good. You're good at money and you're good at seeing cool shit and liking cool shit and knowing that if I like this cool thing, other people will like it. Like, the two things that I can't mention are really. I would just be scared to invest in because I don't know anything about it. And this pastry shop. I haven't been able to eat pastries. I mean, I still can right now, but I guess I could now, but I haven't been able to eat pastries in forever. I do love croissants. But then I was like, oh, I just do, like. I do like the full throttle thing for Daytona and then. And like, and the cruise. Like, I just. I just try to keep mine close to me so I felt better about myself. But I was. Wanted to share this. Cause I was like, I was really celebrating you with my dad, but in turn started feeling shitty about myself.

[Tom Segura]

I know what you mean.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I was like. And I go, I bet people do that. And then all it takes is like, that night. I was like, trying to. I started journaling in the morning and I was journaling, trying to write about, like, what's good about me.

[Tom Segura]

Well, I think you have. You're. You're very much an ideas guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

But, like, you know, I'm an ideas guy. I'm a. You know what? I just, like, I had a meeting the other day, and they're like, where do you see yourself in five years? I was like, I don't really give a fuck about anything but just coming up with good ideas. Like, that's like an idea for a TV show or a movie or a fucking festival or a cruise or a. Or things to do on a cruise and like. Or a tour or just comedy. Like, I love the fucking. I love. I'll tell you what, man. And I said this to my dad. Your special is going to be so fucking big.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, boy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Have they announced when it's coming out yet?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it's coming out Christmas Eve on Netflix. It's called Teacher.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, You've been doing this hour for a couple years. Yeah. Yeah. It's gonna be so big, dude.

[Tom Segura]

Well, I mean, I. I hope it's well received. You always do. But, you know, I also, I feel like the. As long as we've been doing it, you also, I got to this very comfortable kind of Zen place of when things come out, you just go like, you know, it's out of my hands. Yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, but that's. No, but that's the, the I up in my statement, in my journaling. Yeah, I was writing the things that are good about me and I was like, oh, I, I. Okay. Why am I comparing myself to Tom in business when, like, that's a weird thing to compare. It's not my strong suit. And I do not compare me to you in stand up. Like, I, I look at this special. I said to my dad, I was like casually in this whole conversation. I was like, tom, special, this next special teacher is going to be fucking really good. And he goes, really? And I was like, yeah. I was like, he's been doing it for two years. And I saw it two years ago and it was fucking incredible.

[Tom Segura]

Well, thank you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Years ago.

[Tom Segura]

You're gassing me up today, bro.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, but I was. But it's true. It's going to be so epic and.

The same as, like, you know.

I think, but it's crazy that you can. I am, I have no.

I have no comparison with you in comedy, in that I think it's the thing we do that's the exact same thing. And I don't look at it at all. But then I look at you.

Just the idea that you buy a nice jacket. And I go, I don't even know what a nice jacket, where to get one. I know.

[Tom Segura]

You totally are like a fucking toddler when it comes to where do you get something nice, dude?

[Bert Kreischer]

Someone asked me and Leanne.

What would you say if Bert came home with a new car? Would you be upset? And Leanne goes, that would never happen. She said it very confidently. And they're like, really? She's like, bert wouldn't even know how to buy a car.

[Tom Segura]

That's so funny.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's so true. It's so true. I'd have to call Leanne and go, hey, can we get this car? Can you come down and get it for me?

[Tom Segura]

You couldn't call your business manager, I.

[Bert Kreischer]

Mean, I guess, and then go, can you come down and get it for me?

But, like, and what's crazy is, like, I start.

I start. I started, like, beating it start. It really started with clothes because I was, I started beating myself.

[Tom Segura]

I remember this when you're like, where do adults buy clothes? I was like, what you're like, I don't know where to get. I'm dressed in, like, a middle schooler. Like, but I think that's. But isn't that, like, you don't feel bad about it? It's who you are. You're. You are flip flops or barefoot and, like, T shirt shorts or flannel open. Like, that's who you are.

[Bert Kreischer]

It feels so weird to be wearing shoes right now. Like, it's like inside a house.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, I know. And it's like, what? What? Like.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like the first thing I notice, like, I was like, that feather. That sweater looks really soft. I don't own a sweater, Tom.

[Tom Segura]

Do you want me to get you one?

[Bert Kreischer]

I. Let's wait until this manjaro kicks in.

[Tom Segura]

Figure out a size. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I put on a suit the other day for a photo shoot. Yeah. And I was like. I was like, oh, this is crazy. Like, this, wearing a suit. It's so weird to wear a suit and have shoes on and be tall and, like, in a pair of, like, Chelsea boots.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. It's so bizarre.

[Tom Segura]

Was that the CMAs?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. No, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was CMAs.

[Tom Segura]

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[Bert Kreischer]

All right, guys, quick break. This episode is brought to you by Road Nutrition. I'm telling you right now, I am basically held together by this stuff at this point. I Love it. I'm on their NAD plus every morning. NAD Plus. I take a little spoonful, and it's like flipping the lights on in my brain, and suddenly I'm like, I can function. NAD is literally what your cells use for energy. It's like mitochondria run on it. So when you take Rose Liposoma nad, you actually feel it. Clean energy, focus. You're not jittery, you're not crashing. It's like, oh, this is what adults are supposed to feel like in the morning. And after a night of drinking, brother, it is like hitting the undo button for your bad decisions. I also take glutathione. Glutathione. Every night right before I go to bed. It is good for your. For your organs. I'm not a doctor, so I'm not going to tell you what I take it for, but you know what I take it for. And by the way, I saw Gary Breca was talking about this stuff, and I trust Gary Brca, but you know why? Because Dana White's in shape, and Dana White's not supposed to be that skinny. And if Dana White looks good, dude, anything. Garrett Breaker. Gary Breaker has. I try. So if you want to try. Row Nutrition's NAD plus the glutathione, whatever. They've got a bunch of stuff over there. They're giving 20% off with the Code Bears. That's R h o n nutrition.com and use code bears for 20% off. Yeah, CMAs were. I got. Hang on. I didn't tell you.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I. I was so surprised. I was like, wait, you're in? I didn't know that you were that into that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, well, yeah. I mean, it's. I had three of the musicians that were performing that night. I had them on my podcast.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. So it's funny I have to say this, and I'm.

I got so much unwarranted credit.

Because.

From record execs. You know, record execs is if there's.

[Tom Segura]

One thing I know about you, is that you love unwarranted credit. Keep going.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. You would have gotten a real kick out of this.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, I'm sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

So we go to the CMAs. They asked me if I would present Stephen Wilson Jr. Because I'm friends with Steven Wilson Jr. And I had him on the podcast, and I had him very early, before he had really broken, I guess, is what. Now, here's the deal. I found him somewhere, so I'm not the one that saw him on a street corner performing. I found him on the Internet. So he had clearly been doing stuff.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, but you love that. You love when you found somebody on the Internet early.

[Bert Kreischer]

You love it. I did. I had seen a band called the Red Clay Strays on the Internet, and randomly one time, we were at Zany's, and I saw them standing in the back, and I knew there was a guitar, and I made this fucking heartfelt, like, if you've ever been in love or if you want to be in love, or if you've had your heart broken or if you're with your chick, the greatest song that's ever been played is played by that band right there. And if they'll come up on stage and play it. And the Red Clay Strays came up on stage and said, she comes from silver spoons, and sang that on stage, and it was fucking incredible. And then I became friends with them, had them on the podcast. Now, these are just two examples. I've had Ernest on the podcast. I've had Hardy on the podcast. I've had some really. I've had Marcus King on the podcast. I've had some really crazy. I've had some really crazy people on the podcast to play music. And in the green room, it was like, yo, you're the guy that breaks these artists.

[Tom Segura]

You have to be so happy, Tom. I was like, yeah, I just have good taste.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they were like. It was really hysterical. And Leanne's like, hold on. Red Clay Strays have been on Theo's podcast, like, six months before yours. I was like, I know. Shut up, Leanne. Shut the fuck up.

[Tom Segura]

Shut up.

[Bert Kreischer]

She's like, hold on. Steven Wilson Jr. Didn't you see him on a podcast out of Atlanta? And I was like, dan, shut the fuck up. And so. But it was the backstage. Tom was fucking insane at the cmas. It was every music star you could ever imagine. And this is the wild part. You do the red carpet for the CMAs, and God damn it, you do the.

[Tom Segura]

That's such a weird ring. Jesus.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's old people ring.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Why do you have that?

[Bert Kreischer]

Cause.

[Tom Segura]

You need to hear that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yours is the best ring.

[Tom Segura]

It's raining men.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

So we're at the red carpet now. The red carpet is for an event like this. There is no hierarchy. It's when you get. There is when you stand in line, and it can be up to about 30 to 45 minutes, and you are standing with celebrities, are all setting with their publicists waiting in line. That's how it is. It's not no hierarchy. Now, granted, if Fucking Vince Gill comes through is get a lifetime achievement award. They walk him through first, but everyone else, even Shabuzzi is all. They're all sitting there. Leanne and I are up at the front. We're with Chris o', Donnell, and he's in front of us. And Leanne sees the red clay strays, and she goes, what are them boys doing all the way back there? I go, leanne, let it go. She goes, well, hold on, hold on. I'm gonna go get them. They shouldn't be waiting in the back. And I go, leanne, it's. Don't. She just goes back, gets her red cliff strays and all their wives. She knows them all and brings them all the way up to the front and goes, guess who else is back there, grabs Steven Wilson Jr. Brings him up front and causes the biggest bottleneck you've ever seen in your fucking life.

[Tom Segura]

All cause she just wanted to.

[Bert Kreischer]

All cause she goes, well, if we're gonna wait, I want to hang out with my friends. I want to talk to them. And Leanne's really close with Stephen Wilson Jr. S wife, whose name happens to be Leanne as well. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. And so. So. But then I ran into Steve Martin.

[Tom Segura]

How was that?

[Bert Kreischer]

Not great, really.

[Tom Segura]

Did you corner him? Did you do like.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, I'm the biggest fan ever. Oh, my God, I love all your stuff.

[Bert Kreischer]

I said, we had to read Prompter back. He was up before me, so he read Prompter, and then I read Prompter and. And we were just. He was in a room, and I'm waiting behind him, and it's a little booth. And then he turns around to walk out, and I'd said to the person like, outside, she goes, it's Steve Martin. And I went, holy shit. First of all, he's big as fuck. He's a big guy. He's tall. I thought he was 6 2, but he said, He's 6 foot, but he's big. And he goes. He's like. I go, that's Steve Martin. She goes, have you met him? And I went, no, I've never met Steve Martin. She goes, you should meet him. And I said, can you introduce me to him? She goes, I don't fucking know him. And I go, I know, but can you just say, steve, this is Bert Kreisler. And she goes, no, you introduce me. And I go, no, I want to meet him. And we're saying this, like, five feet from him.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then he just turns around and he kind of walks, like, tried to get past me. And I block him. And I go, hi. And he was like, hello. And I said, my name's Bert Kreischer. I'm a standup comedian. And I shook his hand and he goes, okay. And then I still am blocking him. And he goes, I'm sure you're wildly famous and I'm just an idiot. And I went, no. And he went, good to meet you. And he just walked out. And I went, motherfucker. That didn't go well.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, that's not that bad, actually.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's not that bad. Billy Bob Thornton. Billy Bob Thornton went glowingly.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Billy Bob Thornton came up, was on the red. He was in the red carpet and he came up and he was like. I was like, he's dressed like. He's dressed like a fucking steampunk hippie. Yeah, he looks like Zorro, dude. His earring went through his headband. His headband had a hole in it for his earring.

[Tom Segura]

That guy is fan fucking tastic to watch. I love it. He is watching Billy Bob Thornton in anything.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, I will tell you this, Tom, you would love to meet him.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Bert Kreischer]

He's walking by. I said, billy Bob, huge fan. And he walks up to me, he's walking by with a publicist and he stops, comes up and he goes, how you doing? I said, good. He said, what's your name? I said, bert Kreischer. I'm a stand up comedian. He goes, oh, nice to meet you. Having fun here? And I was like, yeah, I'm having a great time. And he said, I'm excited to see the Red Clay strays. And I said, yeah. And I knew some inside scoop, so I was like, yo, the thing they did for Land man or whatever, his TV show, I was really fucking incredible. And he goes, you heard it? And I said, yeah. And then I'm like, oh, shit, am I in trouble? Cause they played it for me when we did a podcast and they played it for me. I was like, yeah. And I go, but your version, the thing. And he was like, hold on, you heard that? And I went, I got it. And we were like a five minute conversation.

[Tom Segura]

That's great.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I was like. I was like, holy shit. Billy Bob Thor. He was a fucking blast.

[Tom Segura]

He's the man.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. But we sat behind Lil Wayne and X the Plug in.

[Tom Segura]

Big X, the Plug.

[Bert Kreischer]

Big X the Plug.

[Tom Segura]

They were at the CMAs.

[Bert Kreischer]

Lil Wayne bought four tickets.

[Tom Segura]

What?

[Bert Kreischer]

Lil Wayne bought four tickets. Big X, the Plug is fucking awesome.

[Tom Segura]

He's great.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's awesome. Everyone stopped by to say hi to him, and Lil Wayne and Leanne and I did not speak for two hours. We sat in our seats behind them and just did this.

Yeah, it was everyone. It was. It was a who's who of country music, and we had a fucking blast.

[Tom Segura]

That's awesome, man. I'm glad you had a good time. And wait, so this all started because you wore a suit? So did you not like wearing it, or did it fit well? Did you feel good in it?

[Bert Kreischer]

I felt good. I felt good in that suit. I. I felt good in that suit. Usually I'm. I. I couldn't button it, so I. I want to button it. I want to get to buttoning it. Size?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, but you're probably there now.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, not yet. I still can't. Jesus Christ, Tom. Yeah.

Yeah, there's one. If you go to the. Almost the far right picture, it looks like I have abs. Far right.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, wow.

That'S great. Cgi.

[Bert Kreischer]

That was. That was. It's my go to move. It's nice to have a move.

[Tom Segura]

You have a move? Yeah, I get very uncomfortable on the red carpet.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I just do that. I just.

[Tom Segura]

I just go like. And then they're like, over here. And I'm like.

And I'm like. I make, like, four faces. I'm like.

And they're like, can you take your glasses off? And I'm like, okay. Okay. Yeah, they get real aggressive.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, do you bring Christina with you when you do the red carpet?

[Tom Segura]

Well, I've only done it a few times, so she was with me.

She's been with me, like, once or twice, but other times I've been alone. Yeah, I feel so weird.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, they always. And this is, like, so crazy. They're always like. All right, let's real quick. We'll get one with Burton, Leanne. And now can we get rid of the wife? All right, move her off.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then. And then it's just me. And then Leanne's, like, waiting for me. Yeah, I feel so weird. I'm like, just put my wife in the picture.

[Tom Segura]

No, no, no, we don't want that. Get out of here.

[Bert Kreischer]

Move her. Can you get his mom out of here? Scoot her over to the side.

[Tom Segura]

His mom? Jesus. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

When was that picture?

[Tom Segura]

That was. That was Bad thoughts. Yeah, that was the.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, am I in? I didn't know you had a red carpet. I was there. Oh, this must be Austin.

[Tom Segura]

No.

That was la. You were there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Real.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. You probably have shots in that, too.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do not Pull up that fucking picture.

[Tom Segura]

Why?

[Bert Kreischer]

That's me at my worst.

[Tom Segura]

Is it really?

[Bert Kreischer]

That's.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's last May.

[Bert Kreischer]

Red face.

Pimples all over my cheeks. No, makeup is before. I mean, my skin look. My skin looks better. Almanjaro.

[Tom Segura]

Your skin does look good.

[Bert Kreischer]

It. For whatever reason, it just started.

[Tom Segura]

That helps you clear up some.

[Bert Kreischer]

It cleared up my skin entirely. Or whatever my diet was doing to myself.

[Tom Segura]

What was the acne from? Was that from eating too?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, it's. They said it was rosacea.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. What's that?

[Bert Kreischer]

It was rosacea.

[Tom Segura]

That's from drinking, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

It's from alcohol, heat, a lack of sleep. It's like everything I do. Yeah, it's my.

Part of your fucking identity. Yeah. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

It's just like, no shoes, no shoes, rosacea. Shirts off. You get it? It's still.

[Bert Kreischer]

There used to be a time I did a podcast, Sebastian and I did the Two Bears. And he goes, he's. And he had makeup on. Your skin looks amazing. And he goes, I'm. I'm wearing makeup.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I saw that.

[Bert Kreischer]

I go, you're wearing makeup.

[Tom Segura]

He goes, he's like, yeah, there's cameras.

[Bert Kreischer]

There's fucking cameras.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You didn't think about wearing makeup. Can I tell you.

I think I've aged out of podcasting? Yeah. I think I'm wondering, like, the podcasting I loved was the broken podcasting. Like, the.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

And, like, and I. I'm. I, I. I enjoy. Like, I. I enjoy Pete and Sebastian's podcast. It's one of my favorite podcasts. I. I only watch the clips. Really. I enjoy clips. I don't watch. Listen to podcasts. I watch clips. Pete and Sebastian's clips are the best. Fucking clips are the best clips there are. He asked Sebastian the other day if he makes out with his wife. Yeah, Sebastian, like, no, I don't make out with my wife. I give her, like, a kiss on the forehead.

And, like, the. I. Sebastian makes me laugh so hard. Do you know he got me into robes. We did a thing.

[Tom Segura]

I think he said he had. I saw a clip. He has multiple robes, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

He has seasonal robes.

[Tom Segura]

Seasonal robes, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I started wearing robes.

[Tom Segura]

How do you like it?

[Bert Kreischer]

I really fucking enjoy it.

[Tom Segura]

Winter robe's got to be the best robe. I think a winter robe.

[Bert Kreischer]

Winter robe. So I'm in Ohio at the Schottenstein center, right? University of Ohio.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And it's cold. Ohio State. Ohio State. And I'm in. And I got this robe from Naples where I spent my birthday. It's a really nice robe, and it's a winter robe. I've never. Tom, when I get off the tour bus and I go into the venue, I am always, always shirtless in basketball shorts, barefoot. That's it. That's what I. Everywhere I go, no matter what the temperature is, if it's really cold, maybe I'll put on a sweatshirt. But I'm always barefoot and I'm always in basketball shorts.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

But then I put on this robe and I go, you know what? I'm gonna wear the robe in there. Tom.

Four people took pictures of me like that work there. They're like, oh, look at big time. And just sort of take a picture. I look like the most arrogant walking around in a robe. But they're comfortable as shit.

[Tom Segura]

So comfortable, dude. That's why they're hot sellers. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you have robes?

[Tom Segura]

I do have. I've been given a few robes. I think what ends up happening is just. You just go like, oh, yeah, I guess. Like, I like the idea of being a robe guy. Like, I like the fantasy of it. But whenever I get them, I never use them. So it's a bad gift for me because I just. I just never wear them. I've worn. I've worn. You know, like the day I got one, like, as a gift, I put it on and I feel like in 20 years of hotels, once or twice, like, you know what they have, like, the rope. But it's not my go to. I just. I don't know, I just never find myself putting it on. I just don't.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, that's Leanne's. Leanne always gets the robe at a hotel.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Bert Kreischer]

And then if she likes it, she buys it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Leanne's a massive robe person.

[Tom Segura]

Oh. She does them at home.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, and Isla is a wild robe person.

[Tom Segura]

That checks out.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

Isla steals my robe. So she has an FSU robe that I had. Yeah. And then this weird. This weird like. Like kind of like a hippie pattern robe. But Isla's always in a robe.

[Tom Segura]

Dude, my 7 year old has gotten into suits. It's so insane. I wore. I wore a suit like a couple weeks ago. And he goes, he goes, hey, you're wearing a suit. I look like an asshole. And I go, what? And he goes, I look like an asshole right now? I go, you don't look like an asshole. He goes, yes, I do. You have a nice suit on. Look at me with this stupid shit that I'm wearing. And I go, you look totally normal and fine. Like, he had a nice shirt and He. He goes, no, I look like an asshole and you look good in a suit. I want a fucking suit. And I was like, all right, dude. I go, yeah, we can. We can get you a suit. And he was looking at my. And then he had.

[Bert Kreischer]

He.

[Tom Segura]

He discovered hair product. He goes, where's the stuff for my hair? I look so stupid without that in my hair. I was like, like, he's really getting into like his appearance. We walk out of the house and he's like, how do I look? I like, are. You look great? He goes, does my hair look stupid? And I go, no. He goes, all right. And then like, if you go to touch it, he's like, you're gonna everything up. I'm like, dude, you know we call him Joe Pesci, right? Because he's just like that, 24 7.

[Bert Kreischer]

Serious.

[Tom Segura]

I swear to God. And then, yeah, anytime. He's not your youngest. Yeah, my youngest is so crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

He was the docile one.

[Tom Segura]

Hell no. Hell no. He's the. He's. He's spicy, dude. All times. Yes. Super spicy. Yeah, it never.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's him. Dude, that's him right there. That's my seven year old son.

[Bert Kreischer]

So wait, did you get him a suit?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, I got him a suit.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, what does he look like in a suit?

[Tom Segura]

I mean, it's. It's kind of adorable, but if you say that, he gets mad, so. Really? Yeah, you gotta be like, you look great. Cool. And you can't show, like, if I go, buddy. He's like, don't say that shit in front of people.

[Bert Kreischer]

So does he look at himself in mirrors and stuff?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, like, especially. Yeah. If we're walking. He's like, I look all right. Like, he's really concerned about it. It's kind of adorable. He's like, everything all right? I go, yeah, you look great, man. He's like, I care.

[Bert Kreischer]

Your hair looks great. I didn't discover mirrors until I was in eighth grade.

[Tom Segura]

You?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I never. I never. I remember the day I realized I got to put myself together a little bit.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I had not washed my hair in like a week and it was like greasy. And I went into the bathroom at school. I was in eighth grade, and I. And I think that's when I also started liking girls a lot.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, usually. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I got one of the bathroom. I was like, God damn it. I look like a piece of shit.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I was. And I looked in a full ninth mirror and I was like, is this what I fucking dress? Like, I was Like, Jesus Christ, you're really.

[Tom Segura]

No. You realize you're still having those thoughts today?

[Bert Kreischer]

Today. Look at. These aren't, like, nice jeans.

[Tom Segura]

You look nice, man. What are you talking about?

[Bert Kreischer]

I look like a. I look when I started.

[Tom Segura]

Look completely normal. Dude, you're wearing jeans and a T shirt and sneakers.

Yeah, you look totally normal.

[Bert Kreischer]

I've been dealing with this. I've been dealing with this one crisis for a long time.

[Tom Segura]

Which crisis is that?

[Bert Kreischer]

About my appearance, my dress.

[Tom Segura]

But why. Okay, if dress is that important, why don't you just, like, have a. You know, you live in la, you can just call a stylist and be like, hey, I want some options. And then they'll just give you a bunch of options.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, we do that. We do that, and we do it for photo shoots. And then I get all the stuff and then it sits in a different closet.

[Tom Segura]

Well, just don't do that. Make it. Make it. Give it like. Like. Like priority placement in your closet where you get dressed. Like, why?

[Bert Kreischer]

I feel like when I put on those clothes, I'm putting on a costume. Does that make sense?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And I think you should be comfortable. You should wear whatever the fuck you want to wear.

[Bert Kreischer]

When you. When did you switch your clothing? Like, was it when you started losing weight?

[Tom Segura]

You didn't.

[Bert Kreischer]

You didn't have a suit when you were, like, the kings of comedy size?

[Tom Segura]

I've always had a suit, but I haven't had multiple. Yeah, I probably got more of those. But I always like nice clothes. Always.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Tom Segura]

Always. I always like this.

[Bert Kreischer]

When you were fat. Okay.

You'Re the one that introduced me to Air Force Ones.

[Tom Segura]

Did I?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I was in a car with you, and I said, why are you wearing those shoes? And you said, have you never worn Air Force Ones? And I said, no, I've never seen. I don't even know what an Air Force One is. You said, they're really comfortable. And I went, oh, okay. Yeah, I bought a pair of Air Force ones and I began wearing Air Force ones.

[Tom Segura]

Well, I mean. I mean, I always. I always liked nice clothes and, like, different clothes, sneakers, shoes. I always.

[Bert Kreischer]

Did you dress. Did you dress sharp when you were in high school?

[Tom Segura]

I think I always had, like, pretty. Well, not where you'd be like, oh, my God. But like, yeah, people. You go like, oh, you care about what you wear? Yeah, I think to a degree. And then.

I. Probably the worst clothes that I ever wore was probably in the couple years after I got to la, you know, because I was just, like, the poorest and.

I Kind of embraced being a sloppy comic for a couple years.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. That's when I met you.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. So that's when I was probably, like, the least. And I also thought that, like. Oh, I remember one time I went to do a spot, and I had a T shirt on with a hole. Like, a notable hole in it, and, like, a stain. And one of my friends was like, are you gonna wear that on stage? And I go, yeah. And he was like, why? I was like, well, you know, like, this is like. I'm, like, two years into standup, and I'm like, well, you know, like, I'm. It's like. It's almost like, fits what I. Like how. What I'm talking about. And he's like, I think that's a little. Not like. That's a little much like.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

He's like, you're forgetting that, like, an audience is, like, looking at you. Like, you have, like, holes in your shirt. And I was like, oh. And I was like, all right. And so I probably just like, cleaned it up a little bit and. But I was also just. I also feel like what you're wearing right now is, like, that's the unofficial standup uniform. Like, T shirt, jeans, and sneakers. Right. And so even to this day, like, I did shows last weekend. I mean, I was just in a T shirt and jeans and sometimes a jacket. Like, that's still, like, how I like to perform. But I feel like in life, it's more fun to just wear whatever the fuck you want to wear. And, I mean, I just do, like, nice clothes. I don't think it's that crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

I went to a meeting. I went to a meeting, and I put on an outfit because it was, like, a big meeting.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

There's a bunch of Hollywood people.

And I was like, I'm going to put on an outfit. And then I kept putting them on, and I kept trying on different outfits, and I was like, God damn it. I said, the thing you gotta, like. Cause I'm struggling with it. I go, I'm just gonna be myself. That's why I wore flip flops, jeans, and a T shirt.

[Tom Segura]

I think that's the key to it, is to be yourself.

[Bert Kreischer]

But also the thing I think I'm struggling with is like.

Okay, let's use Big J as an example. Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Guy's got a definitive look. All right.

[Tom Segura]

Totally.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And he's had that look for, like.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it's who he is.

[Bert Kreischer]

So then I think my question is, will Big J dress like that at 75?

Like, he's got a cool look.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's a good question. We really don't know.

[Bert Kreischer]

So, like, do you know the comics that, like, they're like. They try to, like, live young, they want to be young, and then they don't. They don't age with their clothes?

[Tom Segura]

Like, the reason.

[Bert Kreischer]

The. One of the things I saw the podcast you did with Louis.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And you looked great in that podcast. That jacket looked awesome.

[Tom Segura]

Thanks, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

And Louis looked good. And I was like, okay, so when you get older as a comic, are you supposed to start dressing maybe a little more adult?

[Tom Segura]

Well, I think it's a total fucking choice. I mean, I think the reason that Big J. Why this works for him is because it's completely authentic.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's authentic to who he is.

[Tom Segura]

It's who he is. It's completely who he is. Louie, you know? Yeah, he's 58 years old, and he's wearing. Yeah, he's wearing, like, jeans and a flannel and, like, it's. It's. I feel like every time I've seen Louis over the last decade, he pretty much is like. Like, you're saying, like, he's like, T shirt, jeans, boots, you know, overshirt.

[Bert Kreischer]

There's a picture of him making out with his new girlfriend on the streets of New York.

[Tom Segura]

Not really.

[Bert Kreischer]

I would eat those gossip mags, but I do sometimes. Yeah. And he has really cool boots on.

[Tom Segura]

He has. He had cool boots. He always has cool boots.

[Bert Kreischer]

He has cool boots.

[Tom Segura]

I have to tell. I cannot tell you, but you have to ask me off mic to tell you about the jacket that I had on. Because.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just.

[Tom Segura]

I'll just tell you. I'll just tell you later. Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's always had cool boots. Did you hear what. What? Vincent? No. Did you hear what Quentin Tarantino said about Paul Dano?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

What the fuck?

[Tom Segura]

What is that, bro?

[Bert Kreischer]

What the fuck?

[Tom Segura]

What is that?

[Bert Kreischer]

What the fuck? That was so wild.

[Tom Segura]

It was.

[Bert Kreischer]

It felt like it was not, and it was not. It was not. It was not measured at all. It was so fucking. Can I tell you, though? I disagree with him, but I love that he said it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Kind of great on both parts. What's. One of the things that's crazy is, like, that movie is at least his, as far as I knew, his Good Friend, or maybe formerly Good Friends movie. Like, it's. It's like talking about a close friends movie, right? Like, yeah, he and P.T. anderson have. I don't know, unless they had some falling out. But also, it is usually if you're in the Business. Like the harsh criticism of a performance by somebody who's also in your business. It's kind of wild. It feels like there's something personal here, you know?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

He's weak sauce, man.

[Tom Segura]

He's a weak sister.

[Bert Kreischer]

Shit. You ruined the movie. He said.

[Tom Segura]

Is that what he said?

[Bert Kreischer]

Can we get the clip? Because.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, let's see the clip.

[Bert Kreischer]

Here's the thing that I. Who is Millie? Bobby Brown.

I've heard her name so much, and she's not related to. To Bobby Brown or. Or Miley Cyrus.

[Tom Segura]

Yep, here we go. Is this the thing?

[Bert Kreischer]

If I had of a criticism about the film, it would.

[Tom Segura]

It would fall to Paul Danham's performance.

[Bert Kreischer]

Not that. Not the performance is bad. There's nothing bad about it. It's just.

[Tom Segura]

It does seem a compromise.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's just. It's. He's just not in the level and the caliber of Daniel Day Lewis.

[Tom Segura]

And if the two characters are meant.

[Bert Kreischer]

To be combats throughout the film, then.

Then Daniel Day Lewis is.

[Tom Segura]

Is. Is Muhammad Ali and Paul Dano is Jerry Cork.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, okay, here's what's crazy, but is.

[Tom Segura]

Is there more, like. Because the other stuff is, like, he just says it's not a bad performance, and then all of a sudden in the text, it says, he's weak sauce. Yeah, weak sauce. And, like, the worst actor in sag. Like, that's really harsh, man. He really says that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, man, this would bum me out if this is a case of the Internet being the Internet.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, like, it's not entirely true.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's like.

The Internet. I think the Internet's at its worst right now with yellow journalism. Whereas.

[Tom Segura]

Because this is saying the most uninteresting guy ever. Weak sauce. The weakest actor in sag. That is so inflammatory to say. You'd have to feel like it's personal at that point.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. But when you hear it like that, you're just saying, like, well, he's a director and he's assessing his friend's movie.

[Tom Segura]

And he's saying, that's pretty measured. He's just saying that, like, Daniel Day Lewis is like, other level is essentially how that comes across, you know?

Yeah. I'm wondering if, like. I don't know if you guys can find any more. Let us know. Yeah, I think the rest of it's behind a pay wall, but let me keep looking. All right, that's.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's.

[Tom Segura]

Go ahead.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, that bothers me because they're. When you take it out of context like that and you read it, you're.

[Tom Segura]

Like, what the fuck by the way, it is worth pointing out, since we're obviously done podcasting for at least a few years, that.

We'Ll have everyone's favorites coming back. Chris and Stavi are going to come in and do some episodes and you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Guys will enjoy like the show again.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, for about a month.

And also I just want to say that, like, this is. We're getting towards the end of the year. This year was pretty. Pretty rad for. For like the poor. Sorry for the two Bears poor Osos world. You know, this year alone we had another. We had an incredible second time doing the two bears 5k. And as promised, we'll definitely keep that going. So we'll have, like announcements about that soon. I think it's like the most positive thing that's ever come from our entertainment careers is like the. That whole movement feels really special. And so it's.

[Bert Kreischer]

Fans really love the only fans idea, I think. Right.

[Tom Segura]

That too. But aside from that, I think the 5k has been a incredible thing.

[Bert Kreischer]

Looking back. We take some swings. We take some swings and some misses.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. You know.

You gotta.

[Bert Kreischer]

Two Bears Sports Management. Two Bears Racing. Both failures.

[Tom Segura]

Both failures. But Two Bears 5K, 5K posos been great.

[Bert Kreischer]

Two dingers.

[Tom Segura]

I will say this. We have the. Every time we do these events, they're always genuinely super fun for us. Whether we do, like bottles. My favorite thing are the bar takeovers. Those are actually very, very fun. And we did, you know, we did events in. In Dallas, we did them in Austin, we did fsu, we did Tampa, Chicago.

Phoenix, Indianapolis. They're always so fun. We're going to keep doing those.

[Bert Kreischer]

They're more fun together. I will say that.

[Tom Segura]

That's really fun together.

[Bert Kreischer]

I understand it's tough for us both to get together in the same city, but when we are together, like if you had. My highlight of the year, without a doubt was.

Florida State, Alabama game.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was a highlight of the year. It was my highlight of my year.

[Tom Segura]

We still had the. It was fun into to another level of like being there. I had never also seen you in Tallahassee, which is just fucking wild to experience the unofficial mayor of Tallahassee and.

[Bert Kreischer]

Then.

[Tom Segura]

Going to the game. You know, I'm a lifelong fan and so like I've gone to a game there before, but like when it was season opener and the tension of like, hey, Bama's in town. Which I think every week whenever they go anywhere, that's what those people feel. You're like, oh shit, Bama's here. And you know the new stadium, like, the upgrades to the stadium, it all had, like, this electric feel. And then we got to see just, you know, a great game and see FSU play dominantly and then disappoint us as the season went on, which is always fun as a fan. But it was such an exciting day to be there. And then we, you know, we did. We did events. We were. We were with people, like, for 24 hours straight. We were just like.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was crazy. It was crazy. You know, you. I. I got to give you credit. You know, we're doing. Have you heard about the Full Throttle thing we're doing? No, rather, I'm doing. So when we went to Daytona 502 years ago.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

You were like, you could be the mayor of the Daytona 500.

[Tom Segura]

It was great. I was never seeing anything like it. I still talk about it.

[Bert Kreischer]

So I reached out to nascar and I was like, yo, can we throw a party? Me and Medium Rare. Same people that do guys parties. Shaq's parties, Gron beach party.

And that's happening February 14th in Daytona. I'm throwing a party the night before the Daytona 500. I got Leonard Skynyrd headlining and felt so good. Diplo, I got Ernest, and I love that. The farts in the middle of that.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yes. Fucking perfect. That's a great Daytona ad.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's a great Daytona ad. We got beer, barbecue.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Daytona people love farts. But that was.

[Bert Kreischer]

Pointed that out to me, and I got to give you credit, that my favorite moment of this year, without a doubt, it may go down as my favorite moment of my life, was the pump up speech before the game. And you were the reason it went well.

[Tom Segura]

That was fucking awesome. That was great.

[Bert Kreischer]

We got drunk that morning.

[Tom Segura]

Yep.

[Bert Kreischer]

And all I get sent. All I get sent is me taking my shirt off and whipping around my head. And all these kids in colleges taking their shirts off and whipping around their head. Yeah. And I don't. I don't think they're tethered. I think take. I don't own taking your shirt off, but I. It does fire me up when I see it.

[Tom Segura]

Of course, when I see those.

[Bert Kreischer]

All the boys, their shirts off.

[Tom Segura]

It was awesome.

[Bert Kreischer]

They had me do it at Ohio State. We went to an Ohio State game, and the fucking athletic director or whatever comes up, and he's like, hey, could first. First offensive possession, can you go over to the corner and take your shirt off in front of the kids? I was like, buddy, that's my thing. Yeah, dude. It was like, I love it. I love it.

[Tom Segura]

No, it's a moment. It's a real pop. It's a real moment.

[Bert Kreischer]

We've had a crazy year.

[Tom Segura]

It was a crazy year. You know, bad thoughts came out, which was really exciting. I'm in.

[Bert Kreischer]

Picked up for season two.

[Tom Segura]

We're about to shoot that.

[Bert Kreischer]

We're both doing Christmas Day.

[Tom Segura]

We're going to both be at the Netflix NFL broadcast. My special comes out Christmas Eve. And so Christmas Day, I'll be at that game. You're going to be at the game. You have something coming out. Have you announced that yet? Is that announced? Oh, okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'll announce it. I'll announce it. Christmas Day.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, sure. We've been on special. I'm about to wrap up a tour. I'm so thankful for the tour, by the way, for everybody who listens or watches that came out to see me on tour. It was the most fun and, like, fulfilling tour that I've ever done. And it's about to come to an end, so I'm super thankful for that. I also want to say we had, like, amazing, amazing guests that came in for the year. Like, you know, we had McConaughey here. James.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tuna salad. Tuna salad.

[Tom Segura]

Tuna salad. The undertaker came in. You just had. You just said one with Mel. That was great.

[Bert Kreischer]

Mel Robbins.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then Sebastian. This we've done. And listen, I just want to say this. We're doing. Obviously, you're seeing that we're doing less together. We're doing more with guest bears, and we're getting Stavi and Chris do them. Our schedules are swamped. We're not doing it because we're trying to neglect the podcast. That's right.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I mean, the reason that this happens is, like, I have such immense responsibilities on my season two show, and then I'm gonna be shooting it for a while, and then I'm also in post, and I'm part of the prep. It's just super demanding, and you just have to, like, try to figure things out when you can. And you have a show and you're on tour, like, it's just the reality of our lives, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

And this year is gonna be kind of chaos. It will be. And I know that because looking at my schedule, it's. It's gonna be. It's gonna be rough. And we're not. We're not trying to neglect the podcast. I wish we could do. I wish we could bang out one day on the road where we go in, we do a live podcast at a bar Takeover. And I wish we could. I wish we could streamline God, I gotta be honest with you. I wish I could be in Austin more often. Well, because I really enjoy being in Austin because I tap the fuck out. And it's not like, you know, if.

[Tom Segura]

We go to do some live events, that would be really fun. Like, we'll do some. Some live ones during the year. If we could figure it, we could figure out like, a day here, a day there. Doing live ones could be really fun. Those were always a good time, man. I really like doing those too.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so. So I. I just want to say to the fans that. That love the podcast and, and are bummed that maybe we're not as together as often or the fans that are excited that we're not. Whatever. I. I love this podcast. I. I'm. I'm changing Bertcast in 2026 to less because I just don't have time for it. And I'm changing. Something's burning to less because I don't have time for it. And I hope people still tune in when I do post them, but I can't do what I've been doing. I put out 156 episodes a year.

[Tom Segura]

That's a lot.

[Bert Kreischer]

All I thought to myself, Tom, is, I really loved Seinfeld, but if I saw.

156 episodes of Seinfeld a year, I get pretty tired of him.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So I was like, I just. I think it's good for the world to get less burnt.

Cool.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I mean, everybody just needs to, like, you know, you have to, like, figure out something that works for everyone does. Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like.

[Tom Segura]

And yeah, I feel like my bandwidth. I can't handle the amount of stuff I'm doing either. It's just too much. Too much.

[Bert Kreischer]

And it's. And I have a feeling that it's going to get. 2026 is going to be pretty. A pretty intense year. And I think I. But. But I'll tell you what, it starts off with your special Christmas day. That's going to be big.

[Tom Segura]

I'm super stoked. I really hope you guys will check it out. You could probably mark it now in your. In your queue. You can be reminded of it, but.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, can you put it. Can you put it in as a reminder already?

[Tom Segura]

I think you can. I think you can. If not, if not today, it's within days. You can definitely put it in.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And I think what would be great is a video of you sitting with your family Christmas morning by the tree, watching Tom special with the whole family. You know, parents, grandparents, grandparents, kids, that niece that just got out of Rehab. And the aunt who's believes that the shakers maybe had a few good ideas.

[Tom Segura]

The.

[Bert Kreischer]

The.

[Tom Segura]

I'll tell you right now, the rehab niece will love it. Of that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Will love it.

[Tom Segura]

She'll like it a lot.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Where did you shoot it? In Milwaukee.

[Tom Segura]

I shot Milwaukee at the Riverside. Beautiful theater. Beautiful theater. It's a great theater.

[Bert Kreischer]

And by the way, permission to party. I'm still touring for 2026. I just announced a bunch of dates. I'm in Tampa. I'm doing a bunch of. And then I'm. Yeah. And so. Yeah, it should be good.

[Tom Segura]

Awesome.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. But. But yeah, 2026 is going to be a wild year. And I. I just want to say to the fans that we. We are. We are cognizant to make sure that this is a priority for us and that we don't lose you guys. And we put out good episodes that you enjoy with guest bears and with guest hosts and with each other. And we hope you guys are just. Ride with us.

[Tom Segura]

Couldn't say it better.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm going back to old Burt.

[Tom Segura]

Do it, man. Yeah. There you go. Fuck.

[Bert Kreischer]

Fuck my inner dialogue. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Fuck conformity.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is who the fuck I am.

[Tom Segura]

That's when. That's when you feel like yourself.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is my leg purple?

All right, I gotta go shoot up mijaro. Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Call your cardiologist and tell him your leg turned purple and see what he says.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love you, Tom.

[Tom Segura]

I love you, too. I'll see you guys next week. Bye.

[Bert Kreischer]

Burt and Tom. Tom and Bert. One goes top us while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories, and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call two bears, one cave.