Pimping Podcast Producers | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Summary

2 Bears, 1 Cave – “Pimping Podcast Producers | Winter Bears”

Hosts: Chris DiStefano & Stavros Halkias (guest hosts filling in for Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer)
Release Date: December 29, 2025
Podcast Network: YMH Studios

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Episode Overview

In this “Winter Bears” takeover of 2 Bears, 1 Cave, comedians Chris DiStefano and Stavros Halkias gleefully derail the podcast, riffing on everything from bread trends and STD horrors to outlandish schemes involving podcast producers. What starts as banter about taking over for Tom and Bert “reluctantly” quickly devolves into stories about degenerate behavior, sex, bodily woes, and a satirical brainstorm on starting a prostitution ring for podcast staffers—all with their signature blend of filth, irreverence, and inside-comedy edge.

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Key Discussion Points & Highlights

1. "The Show’s Off the Rails" Meta-Banter

• Chris and Stavros repeatedly highlight their lack of preparation and their intention to “get the show off the rails” in classic 2 Bears, 1 Cave fashion.
• Quote [00:01 | Chris]: “We are reluctantly, begrudgingly doing it. We’re trying to get the show off the rails.”
• Quote [00:24 | Stavros]: “I’m just not trying at all… This will be worse.”

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2. What Tom and Bert are (Not) Up To

• They speculate Bert and Tom have little interest in the podcast, joke about “backup” episodes for after Bert’s possible demise, and riff on Tom’s new obsession: opening croissant shops (“it means ‘fat little boy’ in Italian”).
• Quote [01:36 | Chris]: “You have no idea how low on the priority list…this podcast is for Tom and Bert.”

Tom Segura’s Bakery:

• Tom is apparently more interested in running a bakery than podcasting (“Geo Bomba…Lala Bamba”), with listeners encouraged to visit.
• Discussion about comedian Tom Papa’s sourdough bread, and the “bread arms race” among comedians.

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3. Bread, Focaccia, and Ranking Carbs

• Extended riff about which breads reign supreme (“focaccia is number one”), with Chris recounting a story involving comparative sexual exploits and a girlfriend’s focaccia-flavored vagina, leading to infection jokes.
• Quote [03:26 | Stavros]: "If I had to rank my breads…focaccia is probably number one."

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4. Comedy, Compulsions, and Bodily Taboos

• Banter about prostate problems, pissing woes, and regrettable sexual experiences.
• Honestly discuss health issues (diabetes fears, going to the doctor, strange diagnostics).
• Both discuss their upbringing’s impact: Catholic guilt, shame, over-indulgence, and addictive behavior.
• Quote [12:24 | Chris]: “I was having unprotected sex to, like, hurt myself. I was finding women who also…did not like themselves.”

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5. STD & Sex Mishaps Chronicles

• Both tell tales of past risky sex, repeated chlamydia infections, and anxiety about catching diseases.
• Extended riff on friends “nutting in strangers” and Mark Normand’s infamous “syphilis taping.”
• Quote [22:55 | Chris]: “He needed it because he couldn’t get through the set. So syphilis is…that’s a crazy one to get.”
• Discussion on historical figures’ insanity due to syphilis (Al Capone, Idi Amin, possibly Caesar and Nero).

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6. Religion & The New “Woke Pope”

• Chris, raised Catholic, is now “back in” on attending church but doing it “healthily.”
• Stavros gives praise to the new Pope (“Pope Leo”), whom he calls “woke” for supporting refugees and LGBTQ people.
• Quote [31:19 | Stavros]: “Some types of Protestants…will choose Trump over the Pope, which is so fucking funny.”
• Lightly lampooning the idea of popes with podcasts: “Shut up and dribble for the Pope.” [32:24]

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7. Grooming Producers: The OnlyFans & Prostitution Bit

• Satirical brainstorm on how to “pimp out” podcast producers, especially “Benson Spoon,” on OnlyFans and in real life.
• Plan includes rebranding him as a fake pop star (“fake Benson Boone”), weight loss, gymnastics training, and more for the hypothetical pleasure of “repressed Mormon businessmen.”
• Quote [37:08 | Stavros]: “Let’s sell that boy pussy, Benson.”
• The bit escalates: establishing a “Bussy Ranch” brothel for podcast producers, expanding to “Elder” and “Homeless Pimp” and even Jamie (Rogan’s producer) as big-ticket “prizes.”
• “Glory hole” ideas, “live paywall” streams, and running a “multi-modal” sex-trafficking business from their apartments.
• Quote [43:01 | Stavros]: “It’s capitalism, and that’s…using every part of the buffalo.”

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8. Real Estate and Jeffrey Epstein’s Brother

• Chris tells an anecdote about nearly renting a podcast studio from Mark Epstein, brother of Jeffrey Epstein, highlighting the absurd ethical dilemmas in NYC real estate.
• Quote [51:08 | Chris]: “Jeffrey Epstein’s brother tried to sell us a podcast space.”
• Stavros reads Mark Epstein’s Wikipedia and jokes about his “modeling agency” being a trafficking cover.
• Quote [54:08 | Stavros]: “A modeling agency and a charter company…just means he was a sex trafficker.”

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9. Diet Coke, Gut Microbiome, and Changing Personalities

• Chris shares a study claiming Diet Coke alters your personality via changes to the gut.
• Quote [56:24 | Chris]: “Diet Cokes change your gut microbiome to where you are actually a different person.”

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10. “Healthy” Eating Hacks & Protein Obsessions

• Extended, absurd discussions about yogurt, high-protein eating, “Greek vs Italian” diets, and their personal dietary hacks/pitfalls.
• Comically simple “nutrition tip:” swap four slices of pizza for one yogurt.
• Recipe riffing: yogurt pizza crusts, “fat boy” yogurt sandwiches.
• Quote [60:22 | Chris]: “Here’s a nutrition hack: instead of four slices of pizza, have a yogurt.”

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11. Human Safaris, Tom’s Mysterious “Rich Guy” Life & Ultra Wealth

• Satirical suggestions that Tom Segura might be skipping podcasts to “hunt humans on safari.”
• Mention of real-world rumors about the ultra-rich participating in horrific behavior during conflicts.

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12. Self-Awareness, Taking Blame, and Tour Plugs

• Chris closes with a tongue-in-cheek admonishment: if you’re still listening, “you are the problem, not us.”
• Both comedians promote their own tours.
• Quote [64:06 | Chris]: “If you still are here at the end of this hour…then you’re actually the problem, not us.”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (with Timestamps)

• On the show itself: “We have maybe four talking points. We didn’t prepare… I might fall into a diabetic coma.” – Stavros [00:28]
• On the bread arms race: “At least now the big guys are just getting into bread. That’s…that’s healthy.” – Chris [06:16]
• On Catholic guilt and compulsions: “You’re a bad boy, you’re a dirty pig.” – Chris [28:54]
• On producer prostitution schemes: “Let’s get Benson Spoon…turn out Benson Spoon and say, you know what? Let’s get you to the next level.” – Chris [37:03]
• On Diet Coke: “Your personality is actually changing…whoever you are before the Diet Coke is not who you are as you’re consuming the Diet Coke.” – Chris [56:24]
• On podcasting in an Epstein property: “Jeffrey Epstein’s brother tried to sell us a podcast space.” – Chris [51:08]
• On listener responsibility: “You’re actually the problem, not us.” – Chris [64:06]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:01–02:50 • Introduction, joking about taking over, Tom & Bert’s disinterest
• 02:51–06:40 • Bread obsession, Tom’s pastry shop, bread hierarchy
• 08:06–13:37 • Prostate, health horrors, chlamydia confessions
• 17:45–23:12 • STD mishaps, Mark Normand’s syphilis story, historical syphilis
• 29:14–32:24 • Catholicism, “Woke Pope,” religion & modern issues
• 36:43–43:00 • Satirical OnlyFans/producer prostitution brainstorm
• 51:08–54:35 • Mark Epstein real estate story
• 56:24–57:35 • Diet Coke, gut biome, personality change
• 59:19–61:36 • Chris & Stavi’s absurd "healthy eating hacks"
• 62:45–63:22 • Human safari, rich person depravity riff
• 64:06–END • Closing remarks, callouts, self-aware blame, tour plugs

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Tone & Language

The episode is characteristically lewd, irreverent, and self-deprecating, filled with gross-out stories, high-energy bits, and razor-sharp satire—especially regarding show business, podcasting culture, and the commodification of everything (including themselves and their staffers).

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For First-Time Listeners

This episode is a wild, extremely NSFW ride full of inside jokes, biting self-mockery, and boundary-pushing bits. Non-listeners will get a sense of the show’s anarchic energy, the comics’ rapport, and their willingness to take everything—including themselves, their employers, and their industry—utterly unseriously.

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Transcript

[Sponsor/Ad Reader]

100%.

[Chris DiStefano]

Cheers. What's up, everybody? Welcome back to another episode of Winter Bears. I am Chris DiStefano. This is Stavie baby. We are taking over for Tom and Bert. Once again, we did the Summer Bears. We are reluctantly, begrudgingly doing it. We're trying to get the show off the rails.

[Stavie]

Yeah, no, no, I'm doing it with a smile on my face. I'm just not trying at all.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Stavie]

And. And people didn't really think we were trying by the end of last time. This will be worse. This is worse. We have maybe four talking points. We didn't prepare. It's early. I haven't had anything to eat, and then I had just more sugar. I'm literally crashing.

[Sponsor/Ad Reader]

Right.

[Stavie]

I might just have a. I might fall into a diabetic coma.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes. The.

[Stavie]

The.

[Chris DiStefano]

The. The jets are currently beating the Ravens 7 to nothing in the moment right now.

[Stavie]

You know, it's going to be really funny when this comes out in like six months. They just have these in like a bank of like bird has a heart attack, they'll put of these out.

[Chris DiStefano]

You know what I mean?

[Stavie]

These aren't even anchored to any time. They're just like, whatever, man. We just need back. We. You never know when we need. We might need a substitute episode.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah. Just, you know, Bert's been dead for a year and Leanne's just trying to get the money cuz she realized Bert screwed up the will.

[Stavie]

Yeah. They're trying to make it seem like they're not trying to announce his death until they can back date a really. A huge life insurance policy on. On Bert.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah.

[Stavie]

Bert's actually for real. I would be shocked if YMH is not working on just AI podcasting where they can just plug the. All the stories Bert and Tom have told. Yeah, they're not even going to need us.

[Chris DiStefano]

You have no idea how low on the priority list. I respect that this podcast is for Tom and Bert. I mean, literally. Tom opened up a croissant shop called like Geo Bomba something. Lala bamba. It's like, means fat little boy in Italian. He said, I'd rather bake croissants than do the podcast.

[Stavie]

He has no expertise.

[Chris DiStefano]

No. Which is actually. I mean, they got. It's here, it's in Venice, it's in Austin. So go check it out. But it is one of.

[Stavie]

When did this start? Does he. I'm sorry. He got. He lost weight and then got into pastries.

[Chris DiStefano]

It doesn't even make sense. Yeah, I know. It's and here's another one. He lost weight without Ozempic, I believe.

[Stavie]

I don't know that that's true.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's true. Maybe it's not.

[Stavie]

That's true.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, he did.

[Stavie]

So if he didn't do a zembic, he, like, he's on like adrenochrome. Right. Tom is on some shit that, like, only rich people know about for sure.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavie]

He just has an IV attached to a baby. He's getting stem cells directly from. It's actually going into a pregnant lady's fucking pussy. Just getting the stem cells. There's having a slow motion abortion into his bloodstream.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, I mean, it is. It is fascinating how this podcast has just become, I mean, what, literally? He's like, I'll do anything else. And maybe Christine was like, what about opening up a croissant shop? Like, she did it as a bit. And he's like, you know what? Done.

[Stavie]

He's like, let's do it.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes, done.

[Stavie]

Just croissants. Is that all they do? I'm interested.

[Chris DiStefano]

It's baked goods. That says right now they're at their fairground food hall below the Wells Fargo building. So if you guys are looking for, you know, a lot of, you know, I know you podcast fans. Yeah, I order focaccia too. Ooh. Oh, focaccia. Big focaccia. Yes. If you guys are looking for a assassination attempt, you want to go to the Wells Fargo building and go to the fairground food hall and just look for the guy in the por osos merch. And the other guy has no shirt on, who looks like a croissant.

[Stavie]

I love, I love focaccia.

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh, it's the best.

[Stavie]

If I had to rank my breads. We're going. Focaccia is probably number one. And then a nice sourdough. A crusty sourdough, and then a country loaf.

[Chris DiStefano]

Dude, focaccia is number one. And I'll never forget, I was literally sitting at Shout Out Oneills bar once again in Maspeth, Queens. I was sitting on my boys. We're talking to my boy. I just banged like a 12. And he had banged her the night before. We were all, you know, Sunday football.

[Stavie]

A 12 year old.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes, yes, yes, yes. Remember, this is Islam, so we've converted, so.

[Stavie]

Yeah, you're right. Straight, Islamic, gay, Catholic. Exactly.

[Chris DiStefano]

Now we're talking.

[Stavie]

That's the common ground that Italians can come up with with Muslims.

[Chris DiStefano]

But I remember that, you know, our friend comes in and he banged this.

[Stavie]

Hot chick Actually, that's not fair. I believe Afghan warlords also had a bunch of bull.

[Sponsor/Ad Reader]

Yes.

[Stavie]

Wasn't that a big thing? Like. Like troops would come back and they would have to. They would talk about how weird it was that like everyone they were talking to. Yeah, like boy. Boy slaves.

[Chris DiStefano]

But don't Forget about the OGs. Your people, the Greeks, love the boys.

[Stavie]

Back in the day, what you needed to do to get to philosophy when your brain is working overtime.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Stavie]

You don't have time to go out and court a woman.

[Chris DiStefano]

No.

[Stavie]

To bring a pliant boy.

[Chris DiStefano]

No, no. Socrates said it. He said the way that he was able to get his thoughts was prepubescent cock.

[Stavie]

That's right. You would teach him a trigonometry, then suck him off. That was the Greek way. It's what it was. By the way, they. You really retain information, Hunter. If it's like, remember, memorize this equation and you'll get your dick sucked. I would have been pretty good at geometry, even if it was from. I guess I wouldn't have loved if it was like a balded, bearded guy.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right.

[Stavie]

I would have preferred it be a woman.

[Chris DiStefano]

But hey, whatever it is, it is. I mean, back in the day, school.

[Stavie]

My kid with a sex worker.

[Chris DiStefano]

100% I'm into it.

[Sponsor/Ad Reader]

And.

[Chris DiStefano]

And so this guy came in maspeth. We're in Maspeth. We're at the bar drinking. He comes in, bangs his hot chick. Sh. You know, we saw it. It's met her the night before. It's great. And then he was like, yeah, dude, I was going down her.

[Stavie]

It goes.

[Chris DiStefano]

And then my boy was like, oh, yeah, really? What her pussy tastes like? And he went, her pussy tasted like focaccia.

[Stavie]

And we were like, she had a yeast infection.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's what I said. I was like, you should probably go to the hospital. Do it. Because that is made with yeast. Yeah.

[Stavie]

Little sprig of rosemary on her clit.

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh, dude. But yes, a focaccia, man. You know, So I like Tom's ideas here of just bacon bread. And this is following a trend of comedians. Our good friend Tom Papa gets into sourdough.

[Stavie]

Old school bread, guys. In fact, I wonder if Tom's pissed that. I wonder if Papa's pissed that Tom's coming in on his bread corner.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavie]

You know, he's going to get a very polite shakedown.

[Chris DiStefano]

Well, it is a good trend for us here as comedians because like a couple of years ago, the main thing to do was like, you get, you know, successful in comedy and then you get into conspiracies and backing presidential candidates and all that stuff. At least now the big guys are just getting into bread.

[Stavie]

Bread.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's.

[Stavie]

Nothing wrong with bread.

[Chris DiStefano]

Just getting a little bread. It's healthy. It's not hurting anybody. Like, so I do appreciate Tom starting a new trend for successful guys getting into bread.

[Stavie]

Getting it. Oh, yeah, yeah. Papa's right there. He's like, need bread.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes, exactly. Tom is doing anything he can to hold on to the. To the. To the bread corner of the.

[Stavie]

I mean, I would be fucking pissed if I. Yeah. And cigar is like, he's already got a vodka brand. It's like, what do you. What do you.

[Chris DiStefano]

You know, what else do you want?

[Stavie]

How much do you need?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, it's like, you have a Netflix show, you have arena tours now you got to take my sourdough from Tom, Papa. It's like, hello, Tom Poppins. Like, dude, I'm doing a fricking serious show with Fortune Feast. I'm trying to get that marriage ref.

[Stavie]

Money. That's right, that's right, that's right.

[Chris DiStefano]

And all I had, I was doing good, selling freaking bread, and now here you come.

[Stavie]

It's despicable, Tom. Come on. Get off my boy. Papa's corner. Well, you know what? I'll save my focaccia.

[Chris DiStefano]

Well, how about this?

[Stavie]

There's a place in Baltimore did a cheesesteak on focaccia maron.

[Chris DiStefano]

Mamma mia.

[Stavie]

And you would let the juices. Fucking. Dude, this is the fat math. I would do. Like. You would. I would get the cheesesteak and I would let it sit like seven minutes, just so the juices went into the focaccia. Yeah, it got. It got just absolutely saturated with cheesesteak juice, but it was to the point where it was still crispy, and if you ate it before it got soggy, it was like fucking alchemy, dude.

[Chris DiStefano]

Beautiful.

[Stavie]

It was. It was. I could write a poem about it.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, you're writing a haiku on a cheesesteak.

[Stavie]

I remember when I was 24, I was pissing all the time and I was like, well, I got diabetes. It finally happened. And instead of going to the doctor, I went to that cheesesteak place and ordered two focaccia. Two focaccia cheesesteaks and a fucking big ass thing of fries. And I was like, this is my final supper before I'm diagnosed with diabetes, dude. And then I went. And they were like, you don't have diabetes. I was like, really? They're like, yeah, there's just. Something wrong with your. Something's wrong with my prostate?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, they're like, you just have chlamydia.

[Stavie]

Well, dude, I had to go. So I went and there was like, something's off with my prostate. I don't know what. And they were like, the way we can figure this out is if here's how they wanted to do it. This is insane. They put a tube up your ass. Okay. And they put a tube in your dick and they pump you full of water up fluids to see where, like, what can't retain the water. And I was like, you know what? I'll just. I'll just piss too much. I'll just piss the rest of my life every 45 minutes. I don't need like a Jamaican lady shivering a tube up my dick hole. Because they also shoved the tube up my dickhole once to see what happened. I was. I was knocked out for it. Thank God. And they claimed there was a blockage in my cock, which doesn't. Doesn't make any sense. Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

What's in your cock?

[Stavie]

I don't know. Had a little blockage.

[Chris DiStefano]

It was a focaccia crumb.

[Stavie]

Well, I will admit, when I saw Road Trip. You remember Road Trip, where Stifler is. It's not Stifler. It's a different character.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah, that guy. What is it? Sean Patrick Austin. He's got three names, something like that.

[Stavie]

He's a classic. It's hilarious. But in that show. William Scott. Sean William Scott. That's what it is in that movie. Remember, the hot nurse puts fingers up his ass.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavie]

So I took a candle and put it up my ass trying to get. Because they made it seem like you press a button and like, just jizz pops out. Never had any success. It just kind of. I just. I was like, this kind of.

[Chris DiStefano]

I just have a candle. Yeah.

[Stavie]

This doesn't feel good.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavie]

But I always wonder, like, did I did that candle up my ass? Something up. Did I, like, root around too much and cause myself? Did I my prostate up? And that's why I've had to piss my whole life.

[Chris DiStefano]

And do you still feel like you actively have to piss all the time now?

[Stavie]

I do, but I'm also just older and fatter and I feel like, you.

[Chris DiStefano]

Know, comes with territory.

[Stavie]

It's. You know, it's tough when you see a movie. You have to. You have to. You know, I've thought. I've really seriously considered being in a movie theater and just pissing in my soda cup. Sure. But, you know.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavie]

Or or that's what you want to get caught with your little ass. Dick out pissing.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavie]

First of all, you don't want to get caught. But then also imagine if they got a. My dick is so small.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavie]

You know what I mean? Especially when you. When you're holding in a piss, it.

[Chris DiStefano]

Like, doesn't even come over the balls. No, no, no.

[Stavie]

I would have to, like. I would have to, like, push the fat down to get it over the lip of the cup.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavie]

Because I've had. I've pissed driving to Real problem.

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh, yeah.

[Stavie]

Like, I almost have to, like, tip my dick down if I'm reclining. It's like a. How a dog's penis disappears. Right. My dick disappears if I'm, like, too relaxed.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Stavie]

And so the last thing I want is an usher at an AMC to see my. Basically, it's all foreskin.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavie]

The actual organ has retreated.

[Chris DiStefano]

You're not clipped. No. Interesting. I thought the Greeks get clipped.

[Stavie]

No, they really don't.

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh, wow.

[Stavie]

That's. You've actually offended me.

[Chris DiStefano]

Well, I'm sorry.

[Stavie]

I'm a proud, unclipped warrior.

[Chris DiStefano]

I didn't.

[Stavie]

I haven't bowed to the. You know, to the Abrahamic faith agenda.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Stavie]

You. You actually. You know, everyone in America is bowing to you Want to talk about being racist, but you're kind of doing what Muslims and Jews tell you to do.

[Chris DiStefano]

That is true.

[Stavie]

They're all clipped me. A proud Eastern European.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavie]

I don't. I haven't. I haven't bowed. I didn't. I didn't take a knee to Tel Aviv or Mecca.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. I'm here.

[Stavie]

I'm doing what I want.

[Chris DiStefano]

I'm here. Take talking. All the meanwhile, I was circumcised personally by the Ottoman Empire.

[Stavie]

They used a big simtar.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavie]

Y.

[Chris DiStefano]

Is that what it's called, a simtar? I've been on stage calling it a scimitar. I've been adding an eye, saying, mom, Donnie has a scimitar. And I love that.

[Stavie]

That it's your Mom Donnie bit where you needed to phrase simtar.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. And mom, Donnie's like, chris, I actually like the bit, but you're saying it wrong. You're proving how dumb you are. And there you are. I think he would like me, though, Mom, Donnie. Even though I think he would look at me and be like, no. But then I think after he got to know me, I think he'd.

[Stavie]

He's a nice guy.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. I think he'd probably like me.

[Stavie]

He's literally. He's A cool guy. You would like him. He actually is cool.

[Chris DiStefano]

And. But, you know, with the prostate stuff, so I actually also had to get. Not the tube in the front, but the tube up the butt because I had went through a period of my life where I was just, you know, a little sexually promiscuous.

[Stavie]

Sure.

[Chris DiStefano]

And I got chlamydia, like, too many times.

[Stavie]

Wow. And so how many is too many?

[Chris DiStefano]

I think it was like three times in a month or something. Like, it was. It was out of control.

[Stavie]

What was going on?

[Chris DiStefano]

I honestly don't know. I really like to. To. The doctor was like, you know, this is. We don't see this often, so. So.

[Stavie]

But so you were just raw dog.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavie]

Strangers.

[Chris DiStefano]

I was. The way. The way that you have described sometimes how, like, when you eat, sometimes it's like to hurt yourself. I was having unprotected sex to, like, hurt myself. And I was finding women who also, you know, did not like themselves. And we were just in this miserable sex fest where we were both like, you know, what the hell? And we.

[Stavie]

Yeah. And. Are you nutting any strangers?

[Chris DiStefano]

A couple of times, yeah. Yes. Yeah.

[Stavie]

That's crazy. Yeah. Just nutting in a stranger you met in Masspath, Queens. 100 insane.

[Chris DiStefano]

Absolutely. I'm a different guy now. I've. I found the Lord. I'm on the beam and in the program. As we say in the history hyenas. I'm different, but back in these days, you know, 10 years ago, I mean.

[Stavie]

I had a friend who would just. Yeah, I. I couldn't believe it. He was like, anytime he had sex with me, he was like, yeah, I nut inside them.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavie]

And I was like, you don't. Like, what if she gets pregnant? And he just didn't even. He was like, nah, it doesn't.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. I would be like, I'll deal with that when it happens, you know? Yeah. I would kind of say, like, I have a Catholic cross on my back and scripture on my arm. I'm a soldier in the army of Christ. I'm protected by the man himself, so I'm okay.

[Stavie]

St. Peter is guiding the jizz outside of her fallopian tubes. She's like, he's up there on a cloud being like, keep that Catholic jizz away.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes. So I said, you know, and as Jesus will not give you what you cannot handle and all these things, right.

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[Stavie]

It was one of those silicone fists.

[Chris DiStefano]

Exactly.

[Stavie]

Floppy fist.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Sponsor/Ad Reader]

To use.

[Chris DiStefano]

To use. To like check the prostate. She was doing it and she saw me, like, I was like, laid on my side and I was like. Like this.

[Stavie]

And saw you go. I mean.

[Chris DiStefano]

And she.

[Stavie]

She puts the duo.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. She's like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, opening my mouth. She's like, no, no, no, no. This is in your butt.

[Stavie]

You're putting your fingers in your mouth.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavie]

I'm like, can you choke me?

[Chris DiStefano]

And so she's putting the thing up my butt with her right hand and just petting my head with her left.

[Stavie]

And you're nutting?

[Chris DiStefano]

Just. Yeah, just calming me down. I'm like smelling your fingers.

[Stavie]

Getting something up your ass and an affectionate pat is crazy.

[Chris DiStefano]

It was crazy, dude. And she told me up. She's like, I just felt so terrible for you. So she's just. And then. But I was fine. Everything was fine. But I do. And then when I was 17, I actually thought I had an s. This is how. You know. Stupid. Like, I had had sex with one girl. It was that clear, uneducated, like, Catholic school. My life. And I thought I had aids. Full aids, dude.

[Stavie]

Me too. I got jerked off.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavie]

And I was like, I have an std.

[Chris DiStefano]

Sure.

[Stavie]

And it was the first. Cause I was about to. I was like, seeing. I had a college girlfriend and I was finally gonna get to have sex. I didn't fuck till college. But before that, I had just like a girl. A random girl, like, touched my dick at a random hookup that went horribly. Like. I couldn't get hard. I was like too drunk to get hard and nervous to get hard. But I was like, she's some dirty bitch. She's got whatever was on her fingernails got into my dick hole. And now I have fucking aids. So I got like an std. And they made me do the whole, like. In hindsight, it's just like, you're so stupid and uneducated about. About sex. And I had to get the Q tip. Swab.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's what I. In the tip of the dick. And it hurt so bad. And it's like the feeling. And it was so. Dude, I just imagine you getting jerked off in like, the parking lot of Towson University in the outskirts of Baltimore.

[Stavie]

No, I never had luck at Towson, even though they were. Apparently they were sluts. But it never worked out for me.

[Chris DiStefano]

I heard they were big time whores there. And then Rutgers is the other one. In New Jersey they called slutgers. Big STD school. Yes. I went to St. Joe's of course they're called Saint Ho's. Beautiful, beautiful, gorgeous. But, yeah, I do. I gotta be honest. It is now. Not like I'm 41 years old. And even though my life at times, of course, is chaotic, there's a degree of, as we said on last episode, overwhelmingness that comes over me. But it is good to know to, like, you're with one woman, you're locked in with your family. The calmness of not having to worry that you have an STD outweighs banging the chick.

[Stavie]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

And I. And I had to live through that to find, like, this is. I Like this.

[Stavie]

Who were these people giving you chlamydia? Do you remember, like, their demographics? Do you remember anything about them? Does it all run together?

[Chris DiStefano]

It all. I would say, you know, it was one of those things where back in those days I would, you know, I just started comedy, so I would assume I was having sex to, like, with the same kinds of women as the other comics were having sex in the New York City open society. Exactly. Yes, yes, yes. The. The people whom, you know, you watch headline arenas now, sharing. Sharing women back. Back in those days, I. I don't know, I was never.

[Stavie]

You don't remember a single one.

[Chris DiStefano]

I was never able to pin down who or why. I just, you know, I just got it. But this again, I was like, sometimes.

[Stavie]

It'S worth it, right? Sometimes you get a type of head.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavie]

Like, I got some just tremendous head. And a girl texted me and she was like, she had something weird. It was like scabies. It was like some kind of, like, dirty disease.

[Chris DiStefano]

Where's she pirate, dude?

[Stavie]

It was insane.

[Chris DiStefano]

She's like, I had rickets.

[Stavie]

She's like, I need some vitamin C. Yeah, I scurvy. Can you look up what scabies is? I think it was scabies, but scabies.

[Chris DiStefano]

Isn'T it like, that's like a, like skin disease, right? That's like lice. Is it scabies?

[Stavie]

Like a lice, but tiny burrowing might call. Yes. She had a kind of. She had. She went to some kind of like, she went to like a retreat in a yurt somewhere.

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh, my God.

[Stavie]

And they got scabies.

[Chris DiStefano]

And she was like, are you banging a Mongolian?

[Stavie]

But she was great. I mean, I don't know what she's up to. I might hit her, literally. She was so cool, hot, and the head and pussy were so good that I was like, yeah, scabies, maybe. And I didn't have it, but it was also before my special taping. So I'm like, am I gonna do this special with scabies? Am I gonna have a fucking rash in my home?

[Chris DiStefano]

Dude, you know the Mark Norman story?

[Stavie]

No.

[Chris DiStefano]

So, dude, I have. We did our Comedy Central half hour specials. This. We did it in Boston, right? In like 2013 or 14. But anyway, Mark Norman, he's talked about this openly. Did that special with full blown, like, out of control Benjamin Franklin level syphilis. And he had to take this medication. Pull up Mark Norman. Half hour. Comedy Central presents. Look at how swollen his face is when you look back. And then pull up that picture. Look at Mark Norman's face. He's like having, like, a reaction to some kind. The medicine wasn't working at, like a full blown, like, medically. Look at how fat and bloated his face is. That's it. And he talks about how he just was, you know, like, out. He was like in full syphilis, like, founding father level condition.

[Stavie]

Like, he does look like shit.

[Chris DiStefano]

Look at his face there. That's not what Mark looks like now.

[Stavie]

I mean, he was always. He was a little fatter back then. Because I feel like he was hitting the booze harder.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right.

[Stavie]

But that is even another level. Like he has a straight like that looks like a fat guy.

[Chris DiStefano]

No, he. Because he has. He's having like some type of reaction to the penicillin given to him.

[Stavie]

That's crazy.

[Chris DiStefano]

He needed it because he couldn't get through the set. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. So syphilis is, you know, that's a crazy one to get.

[Stavie]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Mark. Mark.

[Stavie]

Old school.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. I'm not saying any private info. He said it publicly before.

[Stavie]

Yeah, yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

And even so. Even if I did, he would. Mark.

[Stavie]

Who cares? Yeah, he's also like. You were reformed. I bet he's a reformed raw dog.

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh, yeah, dude. New Orleans, dude.

[Stavie]

They were.

[Chris DiStefano]

They were like scumbags down there. Yeah, yeah. So. But. But it is. It is a nice. It is nice. I'm at the. What are you, 30?

[Stavie]

36?

[Chris DiStefano]

6.

[Stavie]

Can we talk about syphilis a little more before, please? Because doesn't it. I love that it also just makes you go insane.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavie]

So people would get syphilis and just go like, didn't Al Capone go crazy?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes, Al Capone. IDI Amin.

[Stavie]

IDI Amin.

[Chris DiStefano]

They believe Nero and people in history. Because what it does actually, what syphilis actually does is like the disease is it climbs up your spinal cord like a ladder and it goes vertebrae by vertebrae and then starts eating at your brain. So a lot of the stuff in history now they. They have, you know, educated guesses that when somebody would just snap and start to kill their people and crucify, it was. They had syphilis. They was just eating their brain.

[Stavie]

Cuz those are the only people.

[Chris DiStefano]

Hitler was a good guy. He just had syphilis.

[Stavie]

I think he's the one example that didn't have it.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think he was just on crystal.

[Stavie]

A little ass dick.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, that's what they say. Epstein too.

[Stavie]

He was. Yeah, he. And he married his cousin or whatever. So. Yeah, unfortunately, he's not a good guy, Chris.

[Chris DiStefano]

Well, back in the day, if you look into the hit past, I mean, dude, a lot of your. A lot of your good guys are not good guys. I mean, even Gandhi, dude used to bang out his niece.

[Stavie]

No, no. Didn't he used to. He didn't use the banger. Didn't he used to. He slept in bed with a child because he was like, I'm showing how strong I am. I'm resisting child. Yeah, but I know you mean. But it's like. That's so funny that this guy that everyone talks about is like this moral when anyone. Whatever. He did good stuff for India, obviously. But it's like, to him, the ultimate. The ultimate temptation was sleeping in bed with your knees.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavie]

That was like, you can't come up with something more?

[Chris DiStefano]

He was like, look, I would sleep in bed with her and I would not touch her now. I would have one of my helpers push my dick into her ass.

[Stavie]

Mormon. Yeah, the Mormon bed choking.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Stavie]

Yeah. I mean, of course, no one is. No one in history is a fucking is good. But it's also funny that the syphilis. You're right, because the only people that got to fuck that much were, like, leaders.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavie]

So that's why they all got fucking syphilis.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Dude, when you look back, you see it. It's, like, pretty clear as day. Because it's not that those diseases weren't there. They were. There just was no medication to treat it. And I think, much like today, how, like, you know, everybody has that friend who, like, just tears through puss and never gets an std. There's people existed back then. These guys would just tear through puss. But the one, like, I would not have made it back in the day because, I mean, I would have been taken out immediately.

[Stavie]

Taken out by chlamydia right away.

[Chris DiStefano]

Dude, I'm going insane.

[Stavie]

Untreated chlamydia. Your dick's coming, like, puffing up like a baboon's head. Oh, yeah, you have, like, red balls now.

[Chris DiStefano]

It's good to know. Like, anytime I feel any type of, like, pain and urination, I'm like, it's probably prostate cancer, which is. That's fine.

[Stavie]

That's fine.

[Chris DiStefano]

You're right.

[Stavie]

You're ready to go.

[Chris DiStefano]

Well, at least you don't have to deal with the shame of your family.

[Stavie]

Right, Right, right, right, right, right, right.

[Chris DiStefano]

You know, that's how I look at it.

[Stavie]

You would just clip your. You just get that prostate taken out.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, just get it taken out and deal with it. Because I, like, I'm feeling calm. I'm feeling calm. I'm feeling good. I'm feeling like I'm not gonna sell my house.

[Stavie]

That's good, Chris. I'm glad. I'm glad you've changed your mind in a week's time.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes, yes. I've just been able to, you know, calm it down. Breathe in through my nose, out through my mouth box. Breathe, breathing through my box and just figure out what I'm doing, you know?

[Stavie]

Yeah. And what do you think that is?

[Chris DiStefano]

Well, I Think what I'd like to do is I'd like to hold on as long as I can.

[Stavie]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

And then be ready when eventually my wife comes to me and says that, you know, it's over for her.

[Stavie]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

And then just have something lined up, you know, like an apartment or something.

[Stavie]

Like, you're now going to get married. Have you gotten married?

[Chris DiStefano]

We have not gotten married yet, but. But I just do like saying my wife. I like, preemptively, kind of preparing for it.

[Stavie]

How are the wedding preparations going?

[Chris DiStefano]

So, so far, we've. I. We were locked in on a venue, and then I very abruptly, like in a. You know, I had a bad hour and I lost the deposit on that venue. And I said, we're not getting married there. We should pick a new venue. And so we put on it. This is all true. We put in a deposit on another venue, and then. I didn't like that one. And we're now back at the original venue. We paid the deposit. We've paid three deposits for the same venue.

[Stavie]

That's crazy.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavie]

So what's going on, man?

[Chris DiStefano]

I just.

[Stavie]

Do you feel like you need control in your life? Is that what you're doing?

[Chris DiStefano]

Well, I feel like through therapy, what I've realized is my father was a gambling addict. And guess what? So am I. Even though I just don't use cards.

[Stavie]

Right.

[Chris DiStefano]

I just don't bet on the vig.

[Stavie]

Right.

[Chris DiStefano]

You know, I bet on other things.

[Stavie]

So you never bet? You never touch it?

[Chris DiStefano]

No, no, no. That was my father's main thing to me growing up. He was like, I ruined my life with gambling, so. You will not ruin your life with gambling. I don't even want you learning card games. I don't want you learning anything. And so I said, great, I'm not a gambling addict. I won't learn. And then as time has went on, I'm like, you know what, dad? That you should have just told me to gamble on sports, because now I just gamble on everything else. I gamble on things that are even more high stakes.

[Stavie]

I mean, you were raw dogging everyone you met.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavie]

For fucking 10 years.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavie]

Because of each nut was a roll of the dice.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, exactly.

[Stavie]

And you're not winning anything. You're just not going to.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavie]

Now.

[Chris DiStefano]

Now I've lost my family and I'm living in an apartment with aids.

[Stavie]

Yeah. I guess sex probably was your addictive thing.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, that was the addictive. Cause, I mean, I eat a lot, too, and I eat a lot of sweets, but I think I also then try to work it off or like shame myself so I can stop. But at the point in my life it was like, yeah, it was like the sex or the compulsive. Just jerking off. Like something was shame, shame, shame. And that all came from Catholicism too. It's like, you're a bad boy, you're a dirty pig.

[Stavie]

I know. I mean, shout out to repressive religion because the biggest freaks I've ever encountered are like ex Mormons, ex, like fundamental, fundamental Christians, ex, like strict Muslims. They've all been the biggest freaks. So salute to religion. Salute to religion for kind of becoming the number one ho academy out there, 100%.

[Chris DiStefano]

And I'm also a new development with me is I'm also back in with Catholicism.

[Stavie]

Oh yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

I've started going back to church.

[Stavie]

Love it.

[Chris DiStefano]

Bringing the family back to church. But we're going in a more healthy way now where it's like I'm not going to scold myself and have to like, you know, go jerk off in the parking lot if I, if I miss a Sunday.

[Stavie]

Sure. What do you think of the new pope? Hi, I'm Andy Staples from Andy and Ariane three. And another five star quarterback just entered the transfer portal.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's what college football is now, a nonstop adventure.

[Stavie]

And we cover it every day at andy and Ariane 3, whether it's the.

[Chris DiStefano]

Transfer portal, the college football playoff, the coaching carousel, you name it.

[Stavie]

And guess what? It doesn't stop even when the season ends. So join us every day, Monday through Friday.

[Chris DiStefano]

New episodes drop at 3pm Wherever you get your podcasts. I do like, is he too woke for you? No, no. Well, he is a little woke. But. But the fact that he's an American guy from Chicago and probably most likely has mafia ties, he's Pope Leo is actually, is kind of cool. I like him and I like that he looks exactly like our good friend Lenny Marcus.

[Stavie]

You're so right. He does look like Lenny Marcus.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. So I like, I like the Pope. I actually, to be honest with you, I haven't really been much on social media and the Internet, so I don't really know what's going on.

[Stavie]

He really does look like the Pope.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's exactly. So I don't really know much about him. I mean, what do you think of him? Do you like him?

[Stavie]

I mean, look, a Pope. The. He's. As far as popes go, he seems pretty good. I mean, yeah, he, he had, he had lunch with some trans women recently. Like, he also talked about how ice. What they're doing with ice. Is unchristian and, like. Right. We should be helping our neighbors. And it's like, you know.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavie]

Just because people are refugees doesn't mean you're allowed to treat that. You just snatch them up off the street.

[Chris DiStefano]

When he said that, that made my friends kind of head spin because they're like, wait, what the Pope said? What we're doing ain't good.

[Stavie]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It is funny because, you know, he is really tested. There are certain people who will choose Trump over the Pope, which is so fucking funny. Yes.

[Chris DiStefano]

So funny.

[Stavie]

You know, there's like, some kind of types of Protestants that are like, no, we must follow Donald Trump. A pious man.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Stavie]

But it is really. It is. He has been interesting. It's kind of like the way that the last Pope basically said, like, hey, if you're gay, you might not go to hell. Like, that was the big thing. And they're like, this guy's too. Whatever. Yeah, I'm interested in this guy. Chicago guy, you know, Chicago. I like a woke Pope. Personally, I think, you know, gay people. Obviously, the church should be accepting of gay people. I think it's stupid to quote, like, Leviticus and it's like the same shit. Tells you you can't eat shrimp or wear fucking cotton polyester blends. It's like the same. The same ones tell you you're not allowed to fuck people in the ass.

[Sponsor/Ad Reader]

Right.

[Stavie]

Unless you're wearing, like, a fuck. Pure wool. Yeah. And never eating fucking shrimp and keeping kosher. Whatever the fuck it tells you to do.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavie]

Lay off gay guys.

[Chris DiStefano]

Listen, dude, I'm all good with the Pope. I just hope that he just. Just. I'd like our people like this to just kind of stay in the media. Like, just do the homilies. Just do church. Just do, like, shut up and dribble the morning. Shut up and dribble. I don't. I don't.

[Stavie]

Shut up and dribble for the Pope. I really.

[Chris DiStefano]

I just don't want to see you doing a live podcast at the Chicago theater. You know what I mean? I know that you want to talk to the youth, but I really. I don't need. I don't. I wouldn't. I don't want to see you on flagrant. I don't want to deal with the.

[Stavie]

Pope on fucking Theo's podcast. Yes.

[Chris DiStefano]

I like that to stop. I like all that to stop. I know that we have podcasts, you.

[Stavie]

Know, you say that. Theo, I would like to see. Talk to the Pope.

[Chris DiStefano]

Dude. Is it. I just saw a meme today that Theo's dating, like, the mom of, like, the quarterback at Vanderbilt or something. Is that. Did you see that?

[Stavie]

I knew that he was trying to fuck her. Which.

[Chris DiStefano]

Salute. I don't know if it's real or not. Then maybe it's not.

[Stavie]

He was. He was. Theo was literally, like, hollering at this kid's mom who is a dime.

[Chris DiStefano]

She's a dime piece.

[Stavie]

And the kid's awesome. And Vanderbilt's good. And, you know, Theo's in. It would. It would be a very beautiful Tennessee love story, I think it would be. It would be very. And Theo could use a good woman in his life, I think, you know?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes. Yeah, I. I just saw. I see things late. Not being on the Internet now, like, never going on social media. It's like, I feel like, you know, I'm in, like, a third world country. When they get a movie that's been out, like, for five years, they're like, we have the hangover.

[Stavie]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Like, I feel that, like, a lot of times I'll bring something up like, yeah, that happened six months ago.

[Stavie]

Yeah, well, we don't know. Who gives a fuck?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavie]

Who cares about. I like. I like that, too. I. I think the hap. You're much happier in, like, third world countries. I think, like, Greece. I think about how much fun it was to. Oh, yeah, go over there. They don't know what the fuck's going on. We're watching what you just said. I remember watching Dunkirk. Yeah. The theaters in Greece in the summer, they're outdoors. It's like a movie theater. You're smoking, you're having fucking sunflower seeds. One of the best memories of my life is just pulling a weed pen, eating oregano potato chips, and watching Dunkirk.

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh, yeah.

[Stavie]

Outside, it was fucking awesome.

[Chris DiStefano]

Getting horny to Tom Hardy's voice in a. Jeff.

[Stavie]

Lips. Those beautiful lips. Oh, yeah. You should have figured out a way to show those lips off.

[Chris DiStefano]

I know.

[Stavie]

Tom Hard needs to be the new RoboCop dude.

[Chris DiStefano]

Tom Hardy's gay, too.

[Stavie]

He used to be gay, I believe.

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh, now he's bad. He's.

[Stavie]

I saw an interview where he was like, yeah, when I was a kid, I sucked a little dick, right? But that's childish behavior. Like, damn, that's childish. Growing up in Ridgewood.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, that's Tom Hardy.

[Stavie]

I would say he was a piece of ass. He was like a little twink.

[Chris DiStefano]

He is my favorite actor. Tom Hardy is my guy. Any type of. So Tom Hardy is the only actor for me personally, if he's in a Movie or a TV show. I watch it specifically for him. I don't. No other actor or actress really has that power over me personally. But Tom Hardy, like, like the show Mob Land, which I. I love that show. I only watch it because he was in it.

[Stavie]

I'm excited to see it. It looks both good and bad. I thought it looks great trash, but with great actors.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes, I thought it was great. I put it up there with bad thoughts on Netflix.

[Stavie]

Right. Yeah, it's just as. I mean. Yeah. It has just as impressive a cast. Yes.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, maybe, you know. Yeah. Bad.

[Stavie]

Pierce Brosnan, Tom Hardy and Helen Mirren. By the way, you want to talk about pieces of ass.

[Chris DiStefano]

Helen Mirren.

[Stavie]

Helen Mirren. Back in the day. I mean, to this day, one of the hottest old ladies I've ever seen.

[Chris DiStefano]

My go to is. I like Jamie Lee Curtis.

[Stavie]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

I like her. And I still. I still to this day masturbate to her dancing in True Lies.

[Stavie]

True Lies. You see your tits in Trading Places.

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh, yeah.

[Stavie]

That was an early pair of breasts that I saw as a child. And they're. They stay. They've stayed with me.

[Chris DiStefano]

I mean, she's.

[Stavie]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Sometimes I still snap off a little bit to Dolly Parton.

[Stavie]

Sure.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, sure.

[Stavie]

You wanted to. Again, young Dolly, great stuff. And really did a lot for the humongous tits community.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Stavie]

There was not really a mainstream celebrity with really over the top huge tits.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right.

[Stavie]

And she really was one of the first.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. So she's a pioneer in that.

[Stavie]

She's a pioneer in gigantic tits.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, that's true.

[Stavie]

I mean, look at. I mean, come on. Respect.

[Chris DiStefano]

Absolute best.

[Stavie]

And by the way, of course, she had gigantic tits. But also a pioneer in country music.

[Chris DiStefano]

Chris. Yes.

[Stavie]

She is incredible singer. Obviously. Let's lead with her talents.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavie]

And also. But yes, as a. As a youth. Youth. Had I seen her breasts before? I had heard her music 100. Yes, I had.

[Chris DiStefano]

I like to play her tits like bongos.

[Stavie]

It really was a thing as a kid where I was like, whoa, yeah, this is awesome.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavie]

Someone can have tits this big. And then Elvira. I remember seeing Elvira as a little kid. Sure. Because she did some kind of weird. She'd be on like, maybe Nick at night or some. And I was like, what the hell's going on here? Yeah, just a little remembering getting horny as a child.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, I like that.

[Stavie]

Taking a little detour to get horny.

[Chris DiStefano]

As to get horned up and that. Yeah. That brings me to our next point of. Maybe we should pull a page out of Tom and Bert's book and groom a girl and get her on Onlyfans.

[Stavie]

What the fuck was going on with Dude?

[Chris DiStefano]

I think that they were on to something, except I think they picked the wrong sex. Let's do a guy. Let's get Benson Spoon. Let's take Benson Spoon.

[Stavie]

Oh, you think we should turn out Benson?

[Chris DiStefano]

Turn out Benson Spoon and say, you know what? Let's get you to the next level.

[Stavie]

Let's sell that boy pussy Benson.

[Chris DiStefano]

Exactly. On Onlyfans. Get Spoon out there.

[Stavie]

You're right. Because, look, right now he's Benson Spoon, but let's make him fake Benson Boone.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Stavie]

Let's let people who want to fuck Benson Boone. All right, we'll get Benson Spoon. We'll get him on. I'll give him some of my Zep bound.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavie]

All right. He'll lose the extra couple pounds he's got. We'll get him on. We'll get him Tom's trainer. We'll get him a jumpsuit. We'll get him doing backflip.

[Chris DiStefano]

I'll get him a. I'll get him a Siberian husky to get his cardio in.

[Stavie]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He'll start backflipping on, like, repressed gay Mormon businessmen who want to actually fuck real Benson Boone.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Stavie]

And we take a cut of every. Every load he takes. We get a piece of that.

[Chris DiStefano]

Exactly. And I think that. And that's the future. And that's. And that's what I think. So the guys had a good idea, but it wasn't executed properly, and they.

[Stavie]

Didn'T look at the talent they had. In house.

[Chris DiStefano]

In house.

[Stavie]

You know, we can definitely pimp out Benson spoon 100%.

[Chris DiStefano]

So I think Benson Spoon's a guy, and then he's. He's our. He's our horse, and maybe we even get him in there with a horse. And we get on Onlyfans. And this is the idea. So what we do here on Winter Bears is we take some of the ideas that the guys had, because you can't deny Tom and Bert's success. It's next level. So they obviously have amazing ideas, but they sometimes miss the mark just a little bit. And we're here to help them get the bullseye, and the bullseye is Benson Spoon's open asshole. On OnlyFans. Yeah.

[Stavie]

I'm not just talking only fans. We do need to do in person meetups. So you think, yeah, I want old school pimping.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Stavie]

I want to really work. That's how you really got to break your podcast producer down.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavie]

You make him suck dick for money as well. It's not enough to clip stuff up. It's like I have a businessman from Japan.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavie]

Who wants to fuck Benson Boone. You're gonna go in there, you're gonna put on a sequin jumpsuit, you're gonna try your best to do a backflip. We gotta get him in gymnastics classes.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Stavie]

He's gotta start doing backflip.

[Chris DiStefano]

My daughter's in gymnastics. You can come with her. Yeah.

[Stavie]

Yep. And then you'll fucking suck off, you know, Mr. Izumaka and, you know, and then we'll all go out for sashimi afterwards. He'll pay us $2,000. Yeah, you'll get 200 of that, Benson.

[Chris DiStefano]

You know, so it helps you. It helps you in order in an effort to keep costs of living down. And we're gonna move this operation cuz it's now moving into full blown prostitution. We're gonna move this operation to Detroit. We're going to downtown on Detroit where pimp is.

[Stavie]

Why don't we go to the. Why don't we go to Nevada?

[Chris DiStefano]

Okay.

[Stavie]

Where it's legal.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavie]

You know, right next to the Bunny Ranch. Yeah, we'll do the Boy Ranch. Yeah, we'll do the. Yeah, how about this? Maybe.

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh, maybe the Pussy Ranch.

[Stavie]

The Bussy Ranch. We'll do the Bussy Ranch. And maybe, maybe we're overthinking this. Instead of we'll just do pot. We'll pimp out podcast producers.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Stavie]

You know, well, everyone's going to suck. We'll have elder sucking guys off.

[Chris DiStefano]

Elder sucking guys off. Homeless pimp sucking guys.

[Stavie]

He's got the name already and he's like the altar. He's the alternative one. He's got the cute pants, you know, glasses.

[Chris DiStefano]

We got my guy who works with me, Steve Ceccone Rice a Roni. He's a little guy, so he's good for spinner. Little fetish.

[Stavie]

If you've got a small dick, we'll put him in a diaper.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Stavie]

You know what I mean? He'll have a rattle. He'll say Goo Goo Gaga while he sucks your dick.

[Chris DiStefano]

100%. The producer of History Hyenas, Jesse Scotturo, he's into sculpting and he's more of an artiste, so a little more high brow. He'll kind of get banged out and then sculpt the man's penis while he's laying there in a pool of his own jizz. We can get this. We could get good old Jamie Joe Rogan's Jamie, that's high.

[Stavie]

That's big ticket item.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's the.

[Stavie]

Yeah, yeah, that's like. Jamie, that'll cost you a million dollars.

[Chris DiStefano]

Like, to fudge. Jamie is like. Now that's like Prince Andrew.

[Sponsor/Ad Reader]

Yeah.

[Stavie]

Yeah, dude. You know, like these loser tech guys. Oh, yeah, they would love to fudge a podcast producer.

[Chris DiStefano]

100%. Sam Altman just coming in. Yeah, yeah. Just blowing a load and all over Jamie.

[Stavie]

Yeah, Big dog.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Stavie]

This is a good ide.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, I think so. So again, I think the guys were onto something here.

[Stavie]

And let's not forget. Look, we can't forget any. He's also going to get his ass fucked too. He's in there.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes. You know, he's good old Eddie.

[Stavie]

Yeah, somebody wants a little caramel prick. You know, that's what it is.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, like that.

[Stavie]

Yeah, he's trying to go. He's trying to sneak away from the camera. He's at the far end of the frame.

[Chris DiStefano]

It's all fun and games until you. Until you make a black guy gag. And then. And then they're like, no, no, that. Dude, my community don't with that. That's your white boy shit.

[Stavie]

Yeah, this is absolutely white boy coded. These are white boy riffs if I've ever heard.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah.

[Stavie]

This is pimping out your. Your male friends. Yeah, yeah, but that's true. You know, I want. I think pimping, you know, let's make it a. Let's make it a man. Let's make it intergender.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Stavie]

That way, you know, women pimp out women. Men pimp out men.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah.

[Stavie]

Kind of ancient Greek about it.

[Chris DiStefano]

And to be honest, New York City might be for it because mom, Donnie wants to legalize prostitution, so that could work for us in a big way.

[Stavie]

Sure, yeah, that's true. We can keep my apartment in Queens. And that can be the flop house.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavie]

Everyone can come in. One room is the podcast room, the other room is. Well, actually, here's what we do. We put a glory hole that leads directly to the producer's booth so they can at the same time suck dick while they're editing a fucking episode.

[Chris DiStefano]

Make it easy for them. Yeah. Get a sponsor. It's all sponsored by liquid death.

[Stavie]

We'll need a lube sponsor.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Stavie]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

So this is an actual viable operation because what. This is what, you know, where people are getting bored with just the podcast. People are getting bored with just the stand up.

[Stavie]

Right.

[Chris DiStefano]

So if you have, you know, simultaneously your producers in a prostitution ring, right, against their will, against Their will.

[Stavie]

That's big.

[Chris DiStefano]

That. But we have cameras on that. Then the fan will say, you know what? Maybe I will join your patreon.

[Stavie]

Yeah. And, yeah, we'll put the glory hole dick sucks behind the paywall.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes. Which is this.

[Stavie]

You know, it's capitalism, and that's the way we. That's using every part of the buffalo.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Stavie]

Charge the guy to get his dick sucked. We charge other guys to watch the guy get 100%.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavie]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Now we got to do this.

[Stavie]

Just being in the studio business is rubbing off.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes. You do become a businessman. Yeah.

[Stavie]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes. Now, this is. We have to get this idea out and patent in before it's done at Skank Fest.

[Stavie]

Oh, my God, you're right. I'm actually. I bet you this is happening already. Lewis is 100% pimping. But they're not even producers. They're unpaid interns.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah.

[Stavie]

He's like, you want to make it in this business? I mean, they lit Derosa. Remember when he hooked up with that trans girl? Sure. We're. That's essentially what we're talking about, dude.

[Chris DiStefano]

I remember going home to my family. I was at that Skank fest. I remember going home to, like, you know, Jazz, put the kids to bed, and she's like, so, babe, how was, like, your weekend? And I'm like, you know, it was great. And then I'm just like, you know. Cause you get so immersed in comedy, and, you know, you forget, like, our wives and family members are, like, not in comedy every day as we are. They're more normal people, where we're, of course, more abnormal people.

[Stavie]

Of course.

[Chris DiStefano]

And so I'm telling her. She's like, how was it? I'm like, oh, it's great. And I'm telling her, like, as if it would get a laugh. I'm like, oh, yeah. And then Derosa got, like, sucked off by a trans person, like, in front of the audience. It came in five seconds, and I'm telling it, like, how crazy it is. Like, she's like, oh, my God, how nuts. And she was like, I want you to really re evaluate who you hang out with in this business. Cause she was like, you know, you have a family. You have, like, I don't know why you're around these types of people anymore. And I'm like, what?

[Stavie]

It's funny.

[Chris DiStefano]

I was like, come on. He's got sucked off. Like, he's cool with it. And she was like, chris, like, I really. I'm just gonna go to bed, and I just want you to really think about what's going on.

[Stavie]

Wake up tomorrow. Yeah. Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Damn.

[Stavie]

Yeah, it is funny, but it is like, that is the one where it's like. It's all like, here's the thing. Him hooking up with a.

[Chris DiStefano]

Sure.

[Stavie]

With a fan after the show. Great. But the fact that everyone knows that he's just in another room actively getting his dick sucked, and then he comes back, saliva still drying on his fucking prick, and he's like. Goes back to riffing.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavie]

That's insane.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's insane.

[Stavie]

And I tip my cap to Skanks Fest for that.

[Chris DiStefano]

And. And. And the beauty of all that is Luis Gomez's cowboy hat never moved an inch. Just stayed in place the whole time. Yeah. And then. So we got. So now. So what's very interesting is here we are doing winter bears. Tom's got the. The pastry shop. So then he's got bad thoughts. And now. Now Bert has said, you know what? This is how bad I don't want to do the podcast. He said, let me go do the medium. That even less people watch a sitcom. Bert said, let's do a multicam Netflix sitcom. Now, I'm making fun of Bird here, but in reality, I also have a sitcom in development that did not get picked up.

[Stavie]

That's what I'm gonna say. He's just doing the thing you've been trying desperately to do for eight years. How many pilots has it been, Chris?

[Chris DiStefano]

Nine.

[Stavie]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Stavie]

Zero for nine.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Stavie]

And the idea is just like, you know.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavie]

Italian and a Puerto Rican wife, basically.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Like, so far. Like, I make fun of this, but so far, it's like Bert's living this amazing career, and I'm. My career is just. I'm like, Bert, if he never made it out of Tampa.

[Stavie]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

If he was just a guy outside splitters. That's me. Yeah, I know is.

[Stavie]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

But. But so. So Bert's got that sitcom out, so I don't know when that's coming out, but obviously, check that out on Netflix. But I. My. My guess is if they. If we do somehow get convinced to come back here and do Spring bears.

[Stavie]

Yeah. We will be back here for spring bears. Yeah, probably, if I had to guess.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavie]

I don't know. You know, what are we gonna do? Maybe we should do it. We did this one in Austin. We did New York. Austin. Maybe we go somewhere tropical for spring bears.

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh, that's an interesting one.

[Stavie]

Make them fly us out somewhere to an island. Oh, yeah, take. Yeah, maybe we do it on Epstein's Island.

[Chris DiStefano]

That'd be awesome. I'm not.

[Stavie]

Again, it's empty. They're not using it now.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, as I said. As I said.

[Stavie]

YMH Island.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. I'm not doing it on Burt's cruise. No, I refuse to do that.

[Stavie]

Yeah, let's look into getting Epstein's Island.

[Chris DiStefano]

Okay.

[Stavie]

That way we can do. Then we can run a little pilot program of our other idea. Wink, wink.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yep.

[Stavie]

Don't worry about it, Bensie. Just show up and hey, don't just have clear broth for a couple days before you come out. No chili, nothing. No dairy.

[Chris DiStefano]

Let's get.

[Stavie]

Keep that intestine clear.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah. And, yeah. And if you could just, you know, just because we really want to pump the first one. If you could really just kind of go on Mateo Lane's Instagram and just watch kind of what he looks like, what he does, and then just get prepared because we might have a nice surprise guest for that first.

[Stavie]

Well, actually, that's a good point. Would it be easier to find a ripped gay guy and teach him podcast producing or to try and make podcast producers hot? Some of the most disgusting looking people on Earth because they're like. They're like comedians who don't have to be in front of the camera. So it's like, that's the only thing. This is like, imagine how horrible I'd look if I wasn't photographed hours a week. This is me trying.

[Chris DiStefano]

Imagine.

[Stavie]

Imagine if I was a podcast producer, how much like, shit I would look. So maybe we've got the wrong idea. Now, having said that, we're not going to spare Benson's hole. He's going to get. He's going to get. We're going to get a train run through him. But let's also try a pilot program where we teach a gay guy or like a promiscuous gay man who wants to be pimped out. We teach him podcast producing.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Stavie]

And then we see who's the better boy whore slash producer.

[Chris DiStefano]

And then the fans are incentivized to stay with us for the next eight to 12 weeks to see who's gonna win. And then, you know, they can vote. They can. And it's a whole thing. And then you get. This is how you get social media involved.

[Stavie]

I love this and all those things.

[Chris DiStefano]

So I think that that is a genuinely. A genuinely good idea. That. Yeah. That I. That I would assume Burt and Tom are willing to put their money into producing as long as it means they don't have to sit in a room and do the podcast I think they'd rather watch their producer be than sit down and do a podcast.

[Stavie]

He's like, yeah. He's like, sounds good to me. Sent from my iPhone. You know what I mean? It's just never cool. Just not even just a thumbs up emoji. Sent from my iPhone. And we're like, all right, great.

[Chris DiStefano]

Doesn't care. Yeah. So I think that. That it's interesting. It's interesting.

[Stavie]

Well, you know, you know, we were talking there. What do you think they're doing with Epstein's island right now? Nice. Real estate.

[Chris DiStefano]

Well, I'll tell you this. Speaking of real estate, I'll tell you this. Me and Yanni looking for a new history in a studio in downtown Manhattan. So we go, the real estate, the real estate.

[Stavie]

How's it looking? I'm looking as well.

[Chris DiStefano]

So it's looking. Certain parts are good. If you really. I mean, it's actually, it's good that you asked this. If you really want to get a good deal, you might have to get in with some kind of nefarious adjacent people. So we go and we go to this place. It's this loft, like spot that's dope. That's a couple of G's less than every other place we looked at. And the realtor says, you know, you might recognize this guy. It's all good. You know, he bears resemblance to a guy that is very famous, but he's a good dude. He's all, everything's good. You know, he like lives here on one side of the loft, but he's almost never here. And you know, he's here right now. Cause he wants to show you this spot and he wants to give you guys a great deal. So we go, the elevator doors open and we look at this guy and we're like, kind of looks familiar, but me and Giannis are kind of looking at each other and the whole time we're looking at the space, we're like, who is this dude?

[Stavie]

Yeah. So we go, incredible deal. The place is awesome. You're like, what's the catch?

[Chris DiStefano]

What's the catch? And he's very well put together. He had like a scarf on. Very well put together. And he's kind of funny and he's very charismatic. And we're like, this is interesting. It's in a great location. It's got like perfectly set up for podcasting. And me and Giannis are looking at him and whatever. And then he goes, you know, we're all done. And we get. He gets into the elevator with us and he Goes, so, what do you guys think? And Giannis was like, you know what, sir? We really like this. And he goes, okay. He goes, well, I'll give you my card. Gives us his card. He goes, you call me when you want to make a deal. This place is yours. I'll hold it for you for a week and it's yours. So we get out and we look at the card, and we look at it, and then it hits us who it is. His name was Mark Epstein. It was Jeffrey Epstein's brother.

[Stavie]

Shut the fuck up.

[Chris DiStefano]

Google Mark Epstein. Are you fucking. Jeffrey Epstein's brother tried to sell us a podcast space.

[Stavie]

You were considering renting studio space from Mark Epstein?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Stavie]

Oh, my God.

[Chris DiStefano]

And then when we hit it, we were like, sure, should we do it? And then Huggy.

[Stavie]

So the guy in the Epstein, should we do it?

[Chris DiStefano]

I was like, it is a great deal. It's better than doing it over the stand. Those fucking criminals. Who do you want to be with, the Italians or the Epstein's?

[Stavie]

You just want to fucking record a podcast where they had, like, 15 Russian teenagers penned in. Fucking way. They just had them. They had them in little stalls the way you have puppies in a fucking, like a breeding mill.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah.

[Stavie]

They have, like, little cereal dry feeder and, like, a water bottle.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavie]

And then fucking billionaires would come through and be like, I'll take that one.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Like a vending machine. Yeah. So that's why the Epstein. That's why the deal was so good. So if you're looking for a really good deal, he's the guy.

[Stavie]

I'm not. Yeah, I'm not looking for that level.

[Chris DiStefano]

Well, because him and I were like, you know what? We were like, we can't possibly do it there. Because then we're like, what happens if, like, we're filming the podcast there? And then there's some, like, nut who just wants to get revenge, and he thinks that. That Mark Epstein's still there, and then he just blows up the podcast studio. We get killed.

[Stavie]

And by the way, this isn't like, ok, it's Epstein's brother, but, you know, they have different lives. He was the president of his brother's investment company and executive of OSA property. So he is involved. And he's the one who was emailing him about Trump sucking Clinton's dick.

[Chris DiStefano]

Really?

[Stavie]

That was the one we was talking about. Bubba sucked him off.

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh, interesting. Listen, in fairness, I only met him briefly. He's a very nice guy. Yeah, very nice, charming, charismatic guy. I don't know really anything about what he did in his life. I think you can be. But I'm just saying in the flesh. Nice, man. And a very good podcast deal.

[Stavie]

If it saves you $1,500 between you and Giannis, 750amonth. It's okay to podcast at a place where unspeakable evil has occurred.

[Chris DiStefano]

Listen, it's all. As I told you, I'm into investing now. It's all about compounding. It's all about compounding.

[Stavie]

Oh, my fucking.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavie]

You really. That you legitimately met Mark Epstein.

[Chris DiStefano]

We had no idea going in, but we were like, whoa. And it was kind of one of those moments where we're standing on whatever street in the city, and we were like. As soon as we saw the name, it was like, whoa. Because when you first see me, looks like. I mean, like, dude, I've seen this guy's face before.

[Stavie]

Can we go to his wiki? Let's just get a little more about Mark Epstein. Yeah, yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

He's a public figure. I'm not, like, exposing an American property.

[Stavie]

Developer and the brother of child sex offender Jeffrey Epstein. What a great start.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yep.

[Stavie]

A former artist. Epstein has been a real. A former artist. I'm sure his fucking paintings were really good. I mean. Yeah. Oh, he also had a real estate, a T shirt printing business. Oh, this one. A modeling agency and a charter company. Yeah, that's he. A modeling agency, a charter company just means he was a sex trafficker.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah.

[Stavie]

He fucking found the people to traffic and he had the planes to take.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. The modeling agency was called Fisher Price.

[Stavie]

This is so fucking crazy. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, these guys were definitely, you know.

[Chris DiStefano]

Well, but here's the thing. When you. When you work, when you're trying to look for a studio, and down here in New York City, a lot of the buildings are owned, you're probably gonna deal with some type of scumbag who owns the building, and so you'll have to deal with a little bit of that.

[Stavie]

There are levels to it, though.

[Chris DiStefano]

Chris, you want to. If you want to draw the line at Epstein, you know, hey, you know, I got a great deal. What's the catch? Well, my brother. Brother Saddam Hussein. Is that a problem?

[Stavie]

That's fucking insane.

[Chris DiStefano]

So, yeah.

[Stavie]

Well, I look forward to you signing the deal with him.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes. Right.

[Stavie]

Wow. Dude, that's fucking nuts.

[Chris DiStefano]

You'll come do the pod and be our first guest.

[Stavie]

Oh, you would love. That would be a good pod.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Stavie]

He said he didn't know why he stopped hanging. Oh, this is very funny. In 2024, Mark said he did not know why Jeffrey's friendship with Donald Trump ended. He said that Jeffrey had said on tape that he stopped hanging out with Donald Trump when he realized Trump was a crook. Epstein was like, ah, this guy's a little shady.

[Chris DiStefano]

I don't know about this guy anymore.

[Stavie]

Anyway, where's the new shipment of Lithuanian children? Where's the. Yeah, can we. Can you get on the phone with that Lithuanian orphanage? We're kind of running low on stock. Yeah, it's. It's fucking. Let's see. It's Tony Blair's birthday, right? We want to treat him right.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. So that's. You run into some people, interesting people here.

[Stavie]

Yeah, that's. You know, you're really rubbing elbows with high society in Manhattan.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's what it is, man. You got Mumdani, I got Epstein.

[Stavie]

I think I know. Yeah, I'm pretty glad with that. I'm happy to be on that side of it.

[Chris DiStefano]

Dude, Diet Cokes. You know, Diet Cokes. I just read a study that the chemicals in Diet Cokes change your gut microbiome in such a way that while you're digesting that Diet Coke, your personality is actually changing. So whoever you are before the Diet Coke is not who you are as you're consuming the Diet Coke because they realize now the gut brain connection, like, who you are, your personality, your thoughts, are not as they are, of course, in the brain, but they're also in the gut. And Diet Cokes change your gut microbiome to where you are actually a different person. Really? So just know that about you.

[Stavie]

And what do you think? So it's interesting because the second I started drinking Diet Coke, I started fantasizing about Benson spoons.

[Chris DiStefano]

Exactly, dude.

[Stavie]

Maybe Diet Coke's turning me into a gay sexual predator.

[Chris DiStefano]

That makes sense. Yeah. Three more, please. Yeah.

[Stavie]

Yeah, that's interesting. You know, I like that because I feel, like, legit. I do think there's a type of, like, slutty girl that likes Diet Cokes 100%. They have a cool personality. They're, like, bubbly. They like. You know what I mean? Pretty good at giving head in my limited experience. So maybe keep. Keep crushing these Diet Cokes.

[Chris DiStefano]

Diet Cokes.

[Stavie]

They'll make you a fun, light, you know, sexual entity, maybe.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, just fun and light and. Yeah, little Diet Coke, all diet.

[Stavie]

So brain, gut connection, huh?

[Chris DiStefano]

It's a big thing.

[Stavie]

That makes sense. I feel like a lot of people who have bad stomachs are, like, you know, they're very antsy. They're very annoying.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavie]

People with, like, I feel like hyperactive people have diarrhea a lot.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right.

[Stavie]

You know?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavie]

And I feel like there are maybe. Maybe that's why, like, fat people have similar personalities, because they have similar.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavie]

Take similar shits. They have similar fucked up stomach. Sure.

[Chris DiStefano]

You're finding your tribe. You guys got. Everybody's got to find a tribe. That's why when I'm having, like, a really bad day, just eat a little yogurt. Calms the microbiome.

[Stavie]

Dude, I've crushed yogurt. I mean, Greek yogurt, dude.

[Chris DiStefano]

Let me tell you something. My breakfast almost every morning is a 0% faji yogurt. I put a little scoop of Athleanx protein in there. Chocolate coconut. I like chocolate coconut. Put a scoopy whoopee in there.

[Stavie]

Now, is that. Does that. Is that one of the brands that has lead in it? Because. No, no.

[Chris DiStefano]

The reason why I like Athleanx is the guy who runs it, Jeff Cavallari is awesome. Athleanx is. If you want to get in shape, one of the best YouTubes you can watch is Athleanx. Because he's all about the science.

[Sponsor/Ad Reader]

It's.

[Chris DiStefano]

No, he's, like, not even trying to sell any bullshit. He's like, I'm. I do thinks pure. So his. I trust his products the most. Athleanx.

[Stavie]

And you have done no search. You just trust them.

[Chris DiStefano]

I just blindly trust him because, yeah, he's just.

[Stavie]

You want to have sex with him.

[Chris DiStefano]

People ask me, why do you blindly trust him? And I said, well, because if you look at his history, you realize at one point he was the personal trainer for the New York Mets. So if you train the Mets, you're. I'm in. But he is absolutely shredded and ripped.

[Stavie]

And chocolate coconut.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's a nice chocolate coconut. And then what I do sometimes, now, that was fall festive. I would go, he has a French vanilla flavor. And I put a little. One scoop of French vanilla. You ready for this? Here's my breakfast. Little yogurt. So got protein, low saturated fat, good for the cholesterol, high protein. One scoop of French vanilla Athleanx protein, some pumpkin puree, some cinnamon, little maple syrup, the tiniest bit of maple syrup. And then the pumpkin flax seed cereal from Nature's Path. Mix that up. Yummy, yummy in my tummy.

[Stavie]

That sounds awesome.

[Chris DiStefano]

And then if, If. If I really wanted and if I wanted to make that a fat boy special, what I would do is have Jazz make protein pancakes, and I would make that yogurt and then make a little pancake yogurt sandwich.

[Stavie]

I do that. So I've been doing pumpkin protein pancakes. I'll do pumpkin egg whites, cottage cheese. And then if I want I have for a similar fall thing, some pumpkin spice. And I put a cinnamon protein in there. And it actually is fucking pretty good.

[Chris DiStefano]

It's good, dude. All you need really, if you can just focus on trying to get the maximal protein. Like for me, when I get the reason why, like when, I mean when I used to drink a lot too, but also like why I don't have such a fat puffy face anymore is because the one main thing I change is when I'm really, really, really like famish hungry in the middle of the day rather than eating four slices of pizza, which I would always do just habitually. Now I just have a yogurt and I'm like, it fills me and it's like not the same as pizza, but at least I'm like, I'm getting creamy. Nowhere near this, of course getting some type of dairy.

[Stavie]

What a fucking nutrition hack. You hear that folks? Instead of four slices of pizza, have a yogurt. That's really helpful.

[Chris DiStefano]

And if you guys want, you could put some pepperoni in your yogurt.

[Stavie]

I do make a Greek yogurt pizza crust. Oh really? Greek yogurt and flour. And you just fucking bake it and you can make it feel like a pita or like a pizza dough.

[Chris DiStefano]

Interesting.

[Stavie]

And then I put, I put a little fucking sauce fat free cheese which has a ton of protein. And I do turkey pepperoni. And when I'm fiending for a fucking slice of pizza, I'll do that, dude.

[Chris DiStefano]

The main thing because I had my cholesterol was 300. It was like so through the. Now I got it all the way down to like 205 or something. And the main thing I did is just change from Italian food to Greek food. I just literally every time I wanted Italian I go Greek.

[Stavie]

Come a little further down the peninsula.

[Chris DiStefano]

Grilled chicken, salmon, lemon potatoes, hummus, you know, some veggies. But like so it's not like. Cause I think sometimes people don't stick to a diet. Cause like I gotta eat salads and stuff. It's like you really actually don't. You just have to eat higher. I mean you could if you want, but dude, some vet some veggies and chicken or salmon and lemon potatoes and a little hummus. I mean you're still a little bit of a bad boy with the peanuts, but you're not but you're good at. You're better.

[Stavie]

I want to go to, like, one of those fucking, like, health clinics. Like, like, everything is like, I don't want. I have no interest in hair plugs. I love. I love being. I think you're a coward if you get hair plugs. You know, I face. I face my mortality head on, 100%. You know, I'm not a vain coward. But the idea of going to, like, Turkey or like Colombia or somewhere where they just have these crazy medical procedures and they just. They check everything in your body and they have like a 360 scan. I kind of want to go do that.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavie]

I kind of want to go, like, be fully scanned out. I want to be on, like, I want whatever. Like, weird rich guy. I need to talk to Tom because I know he's got weird fucking medicines.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Like, I believe, like, Tom says right now he's doing season two of Bad Thoughts, but he might be, like, hunting in a human safari.

[Stavie]

You know?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Like, he might actually be doing one of, like, he's in Madagascar right now. Human safari. They, you know, they just. That's what's going on.

[Stavie]

He paid the IDF $500,000 for like eight bazooka shells. And they're like, hey, go crazy.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah.

[Stavie]

No journalists here. Go insane. You know, that might happen.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavie]

So there was. Do you see that story where they were like, they had. There was some disgusting thing where rich people in the fucking. In like. Like during the, I think Yugoslavian civil war, rich people were literally hunting people for sport. I mean, it's. It's crazy how craven getting that much money makes you.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's actually what made me think of the idea to even bring it up, because I was thinking about what you were talking. I was thinking about. I had just seen the article in the paper, and one of the guys from, you know, Sarajevo or whatever looked like Tom Segura. He looked like a 1994 Tom Segura. I'm like, yeah, that's.

[Stavie]

It's fucking insane. I hope they track down the people that paid to kill people and.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavie]

Execute them.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. I mean. And listen, dude, here's the thing. As a fan of this show, if you're still interested, I have something also to say. In and out, dude. So. And that was per. And that is that you. You're. You're constipated. Oh, yeah, that's. That's a dcf, a Diet Coke fart. If you still are here at the end of this hour and, you know, listening to the ads and just seeing. And literally, we've spent an hour saying nothing other than promoting human safaris. And Josh, then you're actually the problem, not us. You need to look at what you're doing. It's not Tom, it's not Bert, it's not me. It's not Stavi. It's you, dude.

[Stavie]

It's you.

[Chris DiStefano]

It's you.

[Stavie]

But listen, buy a calendar.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's all you know.

[Stavie]

Come see us on the road. The Dream Boat tour. The final leg is going on. Is gonna start up in January.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Stavie]

We're starting in Florida. We're going all across. Wherever I didn't hit last year, we're gonna hit it now. Stavi Biz. Chrissy, you're on the road as well.

[Chris DiStefano]

Chris D. Comedy. I have one show in January right now in West Virginia. Charlestown. West Virginia. In a casino.

[Stavie]

Charlestown. Races and slots.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, that's what I'm doing.

[Stavie]

I know that place.

[Chris DiStefano]

Have you done that casino?

[Stavie]

No, I just. They. There was one of the first casinos near Baltimore, so it was like. I remember the advertisements for it.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. So I'm doing that, and then. And then I might do a show in Vegas in February. But christiecomedy.com, history hyenas comes at you every Thursday. Go to History Hyenas is back dot com. History Hyenas on Instagram. And. And. Yeah, and that's it, man.

[Stavie]

That's gonna do it for us. We'll see you next week. Holla. It's gonna be. The holidays are getting close, folks. We're gonna be talking. We're gonna be talking Christmas, you know, maybe we'll talk a little New year's after that.

[Chris DiStefano]

100%.

[Stavie]

It's nice to be here with you, Chrissy. It's nice to be here with you, folks. And we will see you next week. Bye. Bye. Bye.

[Chris DiStefano]

Burt and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes topless while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Burts the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean.

[Sponsor/Ad Reader]

Here's what we call two bears, one cave.