Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen"

Podcast Information:

• Title: 2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
• Host/Author: YMH Studios
• Episode: Ripping Beers & Running 5K's w/ Jason Kelce, N.O.R.E, and Beau Allen
• Release Date: May 12, 2025

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1. Event and Race Setup

The episode kicks off with Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer hosting the show from Raymond James Stadium in Tampa, Florida, amidst a bustling 5K event. Bert humorously admits to being heavily intoxicated at the start:

Bert Kreischer [00:15]: "What of is Am I? I'm hammered."

Tom introduces the premise of the 5K, crediting Bert’s idea, albeit with playful skepticism:

Tom Segura [00:18]: "If you're listening, we are at Raymond James Stadium in Tampa. Florida. And there's a 5K, which was. I think it was your goddamn idea."

Bert downplays their past entrepreneurial ventures, highlighting their numerous "dumb ideas" but acknowledges the success of this particular event:

Bert Kreischer [00:44]: "Two Bears racing... We were so hungover this morning. I was like, there's no way I'm running this race."

2. Introduction of Guests

As the event unfolds, the hosts welcome special guests, including Nori from the popular podcast Drink Champs, NFL star Jason Kelce, and fellow comedian Beau Allen. The camaraderie is evident as they engage in playful banter, sharing personal anecdotes and humorous exchanges.

Tom Segura [04:27]: "Nori, will you let them take your blood pressure?"

Nori [04:44]: "I'm also an alcoholic that likes to jog."

3. Running and Drinking Concepts

A significant portion of the conversation revolves around the unconventional combination of running and drinking, inspired by the "beer mile" concept. Nori introduces the idea of integrating alcohol consumption with the physical challenge of a 5K race, leading to spirited discussions about endurance and camaraderie.

Nori [05:00]: "I get a euphoria high from jogging and the fact that you have all these maniacs out here."

The hosts and guests humorously debate the feasibility and absurdity of combining excessive drinking with running, highlighting the unique nature of their event.

Bert Kreischer [06:42]: "Box of wine on the treadmill… I can put 14 miles in."

4. Football Anecdotes with Jason Kelce

Jason Kelce shares experiences from his NFL career, discussing the physical and mental challenges of being an offensive lineman. The conversation delves into memorable matchups and the intense preparation required for professional football.

Unnamed Speaker (Jason Kelce) [31:18]: "When we were in Philly, Dallas's O line was incredible. They had Zach Martin, Travis Frederick. Zeke was cooking and I was a nose guard."

Bert and Tom add their perspectives, emphasizing the demanding nature of their positions and the teamwork involved.

Bo Allen [32:05]: "Played the worst position in the NFL. Yeah, like just be fat as and try and take on two offensive linemen every single snap."

5. Personal Stories and Humorous Moments

The episode is rich with personal tales and lighthearted humor. Nori recounts his past misadventures, including his introduction to alcohol through a heavy mortgage on Japanese whiskey, leading to funny and relatable moments.

Nori [06:17]: "I gave you a bottle of Pappy and we drank the whole bottle. Holy selfishly."

Discussions about nicknames, hip-hop influences, and pop culture references add depth and entertainment value to the conversation.

Nori [37:49]: "How did you in hip hop, how did you come up with Nori? I read a book about Manuel Noriega… I shortened it to Nori."

6. Concluding Remarks and Wrap-Up

As the event draws to a close, the hosts express gratitude towards their guests and attendees, celebrating the blend of running and revelry. The episode wraps up with plans for future events and a final round of humorous exchanges involving pancakes and lighthearted antics.

Tom Segura [67:50]: "Thank you to Mike Cowton. All the celebrities that said they were gonna show up and showed up. Cheers, everybody."

Bert Kreischer [68:41]: "Do you, like, kind of hate your brother and love your brother?"

Throughout the episode, the essence of friendship and mutual support shines, encapsulating the spirit of "Two Bears, One Cave."

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps:

• Bert Kreischer [00:15]: "What of is Am I? I'm hammered."
• Tom Segura [04:27]: "Nori, will you let them take your blood pressure?"
• Nori [05:00]: "And I get a euphoria high from jogging and the fact that you have all these maniacs out here."
• Bert Kreischer [06:42]: "Box of wine on the treadmill… I can put 14 miles in."
• Unnamed Speaker (Jason Kelce) [31:18]: "When we were in Philly, Dallas's O line was incredible."
• Bo Allen [32:05]: "Played the worst position in the NFL. Yeah, like just be fat as and try and take on two offensive linemen every single snap."
• Nori [37:49]: "How did you in hip hop, how did you come up with Nori? I read a book about Manuel Noriega… I shortened it to Nori."
• Tom Segura [67:50]: "Thank you to Mike Cowton. All the celebrities that said they were gonna show up and showed up. Cheers, everybody."
• Bert Kreischer [68:41]: "Do you, like, kind of hate your brother and love your brother?"

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This episode of "2 Bears, 1 Cave" masterfully blends humor, personal anecdotes, and engaging discussions, offering listeners a glimpse into the dynamic friendship between Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer, along with their interactions with notable guests like Jason Kelce and Nori from Drink Champs. Whether you're a fan of comedy, running, or football, this episode delivers a hearty mix of laughter and relatable stories.

Transcript

[Bert Kreischer]

100%.

[Tom Segura]

Welcome to another episode of Two Bears, One Cave. I'm Tom and this is Bert. Everybody say hello.

[Bert Kreischer]

What of is Am I? I'm hammered.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. That is not weird. This is incredible. Thank you guys so much for coming out. If you're listening, we are at Raymond James Stadium in Tampa. Florid. And there's a 5K, which was. I think it was your goddamn idea.

[Bert Kreischer]

This was the. This idea is almost dumber than Two Bears Sports Management.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that really didn't pan out, but Two Bears racing.

[Bert Kreischer]

Two Bears AI porn. Yeah, we've had a lot of dumb ideas, Tom.

[Tom Segura]

Quite a few. And I. I put this near the top, but it panned out.

[Bert Kreischer]

We were so hungover this morning. I was like, there's no way I'm running this race.

[Tom Segura]

I was tapping out. I smoked DMT yesterday and I had like 20 shots at bar Howard, was it?

[Bert Kreischer]

And Bar Howard.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Let's just, let's just break down the bartenders at Bar Howard. Holy. Cheat on my wife. Holy women.

[Tom Segura]

I will hit subscribe on that. Only fans. If those girls want to get it going, I will fund that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey, can I get an iv? Oh, my God, she's. Look at how fucking quick she comes. Holy shit, Holy shit. Hey, can I get a blowjob? Why don't we. Oh, no, no. You keep just the IV from you, please. Or both if you're into it. Just IVs. Be cool. Okay.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, if you're doing. There's two of us. All right, so this is a. Is a crazy thing that actually worked out that so many people wanted to participate in exercise, which is.

[Bert Kreischer]

We did this because we started realizing our fans are a lot like us.

[Tom Segura]

Fat. It's crazy how anytime I'm in public and I see a guy that looks like he doesn't take care of himself, I'm like, this guy's a fan. And then as soon as I see.

[Bert Kreischer]

A guy, there's Mel. Big fan, big fan, dark side of the grill. Check him out. He's a great chef.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Anybody that's like, this guy's falling apart, he's always like, what's up, bro? Big, like. So, yeah, two middle aged guys who.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, we got to keep it going. I mean, look, this was a pipe dream that we started at in Austin because we were looking to fill content and we were like, yo, it's going to be January 1st when this drops. What's our New Year's resolution? And then we just jokingly said 5k by May. And then we called all Our friends that had been canceled, and they all said, no, this one. And then we did it in Los Angeles, and now we're here in Raymond James, and we've got over 7,500 people here. And it's just amazing. And I got to keep it going for all the bucks. They showed up, the bucks came out. But let's break down that. Do not take my fucking blood pressure. Just give me a goddamn iv. I do not want that. Or just give me the iv. Or don't. Or don't. But do not take my blood pressure.

[Tom Segura]

How bad would your blood pressure be?

[Bert Kreischer]

I do not take my blood pressure.

[Tom Segura]

Is that a good sign?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, it's. I get the white coat syndrome, and I don't want to listen. I normally get two bags. I'll be fine with one bag. Just do not take my blood pressure. What's his blood pressure right now? Still thinking. Well, does it register? He's dead inside.

[Tom Segura]

What are you talking about?

[Bert Kreischer]

You. You. You're so frustrating. Your blood pressure is always perfect.

[Tom Segura]

Well, it might not be. I don't know.

[Bert Kreischer]

140 over 70. Yeah, it's not great.

[Tom Segura]

It's not terrible.

[Bert Kreischer]

She just said, I personally would rather lower on the hot top number. If you're. If you're gonna take my blood pressure, I don't need an iv.

[Tom Segura]

Good. Stop.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I'm not getting one.

[Tom Segura]

Why?

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm not. There's 7,000 people here. I'm not getting my blood pressure.

[Nori]

And guess what?

[Tom Segura]

7,000.

[Bert Kreischer]

Nope. Nope.

[Tom Segura]

Want you to get your bl. Nope. Stop.

[Bert Kreischer]

Game's over. I'm not playing.

[Jason Kelsey]

Stop.

[Bert Kreischer]

Game's over. Nope. It's my arm and I hold him tight. Nori, get up here. Nori, come here.

[Tom Segura]

Nori's here.

[Bert Kreischer]

You don't go to the doctor.

[Nori]

Come here.

[Bert Kreischer]

Nori. Come here, please. Over here on the stairs.

[Tom Segura]

Nori, will you let them take your blood pressure?

[Bert Kreischer]

There you go. That's my man. Here, we got a mic for you. Nori and Jason Kelsey's garage beers are up here. Have you had one yet? Here, sit down.

[Nori]

I never met Tom, but I feel.

[Tom Segura]

Like I know what's up, bro. How you doing, man? It's a pleasure to meet you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Ladies and gentlemen, from Drink Champs.

[Nori]

That's right. How y' all doing?

[Bert Kreischer]

And a massively successful rapper himself. Nori.

[Nori]

Yo, can I say something? This is brilliant. I'm also an alcoholic.

[Tom Segura]

Nice.

[Nori]

That likes to jog.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Nori]

And I get a euphoria high of a jogging. And the fact that you have all of these maniacs out here. I did the race. I didn't read a disclaimer. Yeah, these hills do not pay the bills. That shit is killer.

[Tom Segura]

You didn't like the nine corridors up.

[Nori]

That you have not understand what was going on?

[Tom Segura]

Guess what? Neither did I. And it was fucking awful.

[Nori]

But it's brilliant. Because you know what's crazy? Even if it rains.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Nori]

You can still stay. That's like you're outdoors.

[Tom Segura]

Indoor, not outdoor, because you're covered.

[Nori]

Yes, but this is brilliant, guys. This is brilliant.

[Tom Segura]

Thank you for coming.

[Nori]

Make some noise for them. God damn it. And he was up early.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Nori]

Oh, where's my Yamazaki? Where's the Yamazaki? Hold on. I got a gift for you guys.

[Bert Kreischer]

What's this?

[Nori]

Yeah, I got a gift.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, you know, has he been on drink champs yet? No.

[Bo Allen]

Tom?

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Tom Segura]

I would love.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, he's got a new series coming out on Netflix. April.

[Tom Segura]

May. We're in. We're in May. It's May 13th.

[Nori]

Really?

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Who.

[Nori]

Who got it? You got it. Oh, when you was on drink Champs, I gave you a bottle of Pappy and we drank the whole bottle. Holy selfishly. It was just me and him. We didn't share with nobody in the room the whole bottle. And I'm looking to do that here.

[Tom Segura]

Let's do it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Let's open it up. Let's open it up.

[Bert Kreischer]

Open it up right now. All right.

[Nori]

Let's do it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Let's open it up. Can we get some glass size up here?

[Tom Segura]

Can we get. Yeah. Glasses of ice, please.

[Nori]

So we have our whole crew called run champs. You see? I know if you see the shirts.

[Tom Segura]

Yes, but.

[Nori]

So we came here to run another 5k. But apparently Yamazaki is going to win.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. If we're doing Yamazaki, there's no second race.

[Nori]

No more second.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes. No, no, no. We can do it.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, boy.

[Bert Kreischer]

My favorite thing ever, and I swear by it. Box of wine on the treadmill. Guy Fieri, Diners Drive Ins and dives. I can put 14 miles in. Wait up.

[Nori]

Wait up.

[Bert Kreischer]

What did you.

[Nori]

Can you say that one more time?

[Bert Kreischer]

Box of wine on the treadmill. Diners Drive Ins and dives. I put in 14 miles in a night. Oh, wow, dude. Drop jogging drunk. You watch. You know what I watched? What's the. I watched the movie 1918 about World War I where the guys got to run and give a message.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I. Every time he ran, I ran. So I was drunk like I was in World War I and I had to give the message. It was fucking awesome, dude. I watch football drunk on the treadmill. And every time they run, I run. It's a fun. You got to play games with yourself.

[Tom Segura]

That's a really good training regime, I'm not gonna lie.

[Nori]

I called him one day. I was like, yo, can I go to the sauna drunk? And he was like, I do it all the time, dude.

[Tom Segura]

I'll never ask him a health question.

[Bert Kreischer]

We were a billabuddies for a second. I was like.

[Nori]

Because I kept seeing him in a sauna, and I was wondering. I was like, is. Is he drunk? Like. And then I got drunk. I did it the same night, and I called him and he was like, yes, dude, you can do it. And I went to the sauna drunk.

[Bert Kreischer]

As a polar plunge. Hammered. Sobers you right up.

[Nori]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Say you're throwing a kid's party. You get too drunk. Yeah, the cold polar plunge.

[Jason Kelsey]

The cold plunge, you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Cold plunge. Servers you right up.

[Nori]

You can back done right. Holy moly guacamole, man.

[Tom Segura]

Sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

This.

[Nori]

Yo, listen, guys. This is really, really dope, man. I've been all year. We just came from Maui. We ran six. Six miles in Maui. I did a Miami half marathon. I did.

[Bert Kreischer]

You just recently started running?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I was going to say, talk about how you've changed, dude. Like, you. You got after it.

[Nori]

Oh, thank you, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, no, you look great.

[Nori]

Thank you. I just fell in love. I've been doing this. I've been doing this on night. Plus, I know we got Spartan here today, right?

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Nori]

Yeah. Big up to Spartan. But I've been doing it. I just wasn't recording it. You know what I mean?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Nori]

And so I started to travel, and I wanted to rewrite my life. I wanted to go to all the places that I performed at, and I, you know, did shows, but I wanted to go back there as a. As a. As a jogger and participate in the races. So I did Puerto Rico, I did Maui, I did Naples, I did Tampa. And this is so what my point I'm trying to make is. Out of all the races I participated in, this is by far the coolest. Let's make some noise for you guys. Guys, this is by far the coolest.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, let's make some noise real quick for drink champs.

[Nori]

Yeah, that's right.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's right.

[Nori]

That's right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is that. Look, I know there's a lot of white people, but everyone loves hip hop. That's the truth. And drink champs is a deep cut into hip hop.

[Nori]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, if I'm telling you the best interview ever dmx. Any interview about dmx. Wow. Fucking amazing. This is the drink champs is the first place I heard Diddy say he wanted to party with someone.

[Nori]

Oh, shit. Yeah. He won the party of fabulous. Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. He goes.

[Nori]

Yes. It's true, dude. It's on camera. We can't deny it.

[Tom Segura]

Shout out to Diddy. Great guy.

[Nori]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it is. It is such an amazing podcast and you haven't listened. You gotta check it out.

[Nori]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

And.

[Nori]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

You gotta do it.

[Nori]

Okay, so now I need to answer our age old drinking question.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Nori]

Can you mix ice with Japanese whiskey?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, you should have it neat. Is that what you're trying to go for here?

[Nori]

Asking out of idiosity? Yeah, because I don't actually know. I know that some bartenders won't even serve you if you ask for ice.

[Tom Segura]

Here's what we should do.

[Nori]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Let's have. Let's have a little bit neat and see how we like.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

And then I like that if you just.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm going to be hammered.

[Frank]

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[Bert Kreischer]

My hair, am I?

[Jason Kelsey]

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[Bert Kreischer]

Real casual as like I don't think.

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[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, and by the way, when Jelly Roll gets here, no one take pictures. Let him get here. Up here quick.

[Nori]

Okay?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that'll work.

[Nori]

I see Jelly Roll last night at Carbone on the Beach. It was dope. And he was playing a lot of hip hop in his show.

[Tom Segura]

He was.

[Nori]

I liked it that. Yeah. I liked it that a lot. Yeah. Yeah. I never met Jelly Roll.

[Tom Segura]

Super nice guy.

[Nori]

It's my first time meeting you too, as well, man.

[Tom Segura]

I'm a big fan, bro. A big fan.

[Nori]

Please, I follow you on the gram.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, wait, wait. Let's talk hip hop real quick.

[Nori]

Okay, let's talk.

[Bert Kreischer]

You talk about who you love because Tom's like a real deep cut hip hop guy.

[Nori]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Well, I mean, I just. I don't know. I'm like.

[Nori]

You got an alpha flies.

[Tom Segura]

That's right.

[Nori]

I could tell you serious about running those. Those is. Those is real nerd running shoes.

[Tom Segura]

These are nerd shoes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah.

[Nori]

Like, if you are running nerd, you got alpha flies on and they trick you.

[Tom Segura]

They trick you into thinking it's not as hard.

[Nori]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Like your brain goes, oh, yeah, it does.

[Nori]

I think I'm faster in it, you know? Yes. Thank you. We drink a Japanese whiskey, man. Come on. So if you start seeing me sweat, just, just, just, just, just think I was running the 5K earlier, that's all.

[Tom Segura]

To you, brother. To you. Cheers. And to all of you, thank you so much for coming out today, guys.

[Nori]

And by the way, is this my first time on two beers? This is my first time, bro.

[Bert Kreischer]

We got to do it again.

[Nori]

Yes. I. I don't mind. I don't mind.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm telling you, man, you're my guilty pleasure. You really are. I love drink champs.

[Nori]

And just so you know.

[Bert Kreischer]

Very good. Oh, did that just come out of me?

[Nori]

There's a whole drinking, running, community that wakes up in the morning. This is true. That wakes up in the morning and looks at your speech. Will you say, I will always keep myself healthy enough, you know? You remember that speech?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah.

[Nori]

That is like in a drinking running hall of fame.

[Bert Kreischer]

I get. I, I. The best thing I ever saw.

[Tom Segura]

It kept. It kept so many people from going to rehab. You know what I mean? Like, there was people that were like, about to go and they saw your thing and they're like, I'm fine.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

They're like, I'm fine.

[Nori]

Because it's the second speech that he goes. He goes. If you think about quitting, don't, don't. This is two of the most brilliant speeches drinking history.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Nori]

Do you understand how important those two speeches are?

[Bert Kreischer]

I speak from the heart.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

If you think you have a problem, maybe it might be you.

[Tom Segura]

She's standing behind you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Nope, nope. I'm a black man. I don't get my. Taken. Take his blood pressure first. No, no, no, no. Don't even get near my arm. Don't even get near my arm.

[Tom Segura]

Wait, how. What do you think it is?

[Bert Kreischer]

Because I don't want to deal with it. I'm. Listen, listen. I'm having a good time, okay?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Nori]

By the way, I didn't even know you could deny having in your blood test when you do iv. I always do it and I feel shitty about myself.

[Bert Kreischer]

They always.

[Tom Segura]

What is it, like 260 over 100. What is it?

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm not getting my blood pressure taken.

[Tom Segura]

Holy shit. Look, there's a medic right there. You're fine.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, thanks. I got beat in this race by a guy in a wheelchair today.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, his name's Jerry, by the way.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, his name is Jerry?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Shout out to Jerry. I see you right there, Jerry.

[Tom Segura]

But I gave Jerry a lot of credit. And then I thought about all those, you know, the, the downhill.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah. Jerry smoked, by the way.

[Tom Segura]

Come on.

[Bert Kreischer]

For real? Jerry smoked me on the uphill. He did. He. He passed me on the uphill and then flew past me again. I, I kept neck and neck with.

[Tom Segura]

The, with the disabled guy with another dis. Okay, that's good.

[Bert Kreischer]

I had a couple when I ran the LA Marathon.

[Nori]

You ran the LA Marathon?

[Bert Kreischer]

I ran the LA Marathon with no training at all. And I got beat by an Asian dude dressed as Big Bird with a tuba.

[Tom Segura]

That's trying to picture it.

[Nori]

I'm trying to picture it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I got beat by a dude with cerebral palsy and his dad who was wearing jeans.

[Tom Segura]

Jeans is rough on a marathon.

[Bert Kreischer]

Two Mexican and the mom was with them. It was bad. I got smoked.

[Tom Segura]

Remind.

[Bert Kreischer]

The thing is just finish, right?

[Tom Segura]

Yes, just finish.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Nori]

I haven't ran a marathon yet, but I'm looking.

[Tom Segura]

That's on the.

[Nori]

Yeah. Have you ran a marathon?

[Tom Segura]

No. No.

[Nori]

And you did the LA marathon?

[Bert Kreischer]

The LA marathon. No training at all?

[Nori]

No training.

[Tom Segura]

It's not the best way to approach a marathon.

[Nori]

No.

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

He's a lunatic.

[Nori]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would train.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you know who might like this whiskey? Who? Have you met Jason Kelsey?

[Nori]

Football player?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Nori]

No, no, no, I haven't.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey, someone grab Jason and Bo. Yes, please.

[Tom Segura]

Jason and Bo. Bo Allen.

[Bert Kreischer]

See if they want to come out.

[Tom Segura]

Jason Kelsey. Let's get to the stage.

[Nori]

When you guys called me up, in my mind I was thinking I was gonna have to jump on the stage, so I was getting my Hulk Hogan impression on, like, quick flare.

[Bert Kreischer]

Could you still freestyle right now?

[Nori]

Hell no.

[Bert Kreischer]

For real?

[Nori]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

When was the last time you, like, rap battled?

[Nori]

I rap battle myself every day in the mirror. Yeah. Like, if I. If I'm running, I rap battle myself. I tell myself I'm. You know, they say you should never talk. Talk bad to yourself because yourself doesn't know how to do it. I think there's an exception to that rule. Is like, right before you run, you just say some. Some that you think someone else will say about you. Yeah, so.

[Tom Segura]

And then it fires you up.

[Nori]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, they're making their way.

[Nori]

Yeah, So I always do.

[Tom Segura]

Ladies and gentlemen, Bo Allen and Jason Kelsey. Give it up. What's up?

[Bert Kreischer]

Of course.

[Tom Segura]

What's up, bro? Yeah, anywhere you want.

[Bert Kreischer]

We got to give a shout out to Jason. Jason donated all this garage beer that you're drinking today.

[Bo Allen]

Oh, time out. We donated that.

[Tom Segura]

I just feel like I'm somebody's son all of a sudden. I'm just here with my dad and my uncle. Jesus Christ.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, here we go.

[Tom Segura]

You want some whiskey?

[Bo Allen]

I would love some.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, let's get some whiskey poured.

[Bert Kreischer]

Let's, let's.

[Tom Segura]

Can we get a couple more? Make cups. Couple more cups.

[Bert Kreischer]

He just took my blood pressure. 120 over 60.

[Tom Segura]

That's a lie.

[Bert Kreischer]

120 over 60. Tom, I hope you're at my funeral.

[Bo Allen]

120 over 60 is good.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I know.

[Tom Segura]

He made Tom's an. Yeah. Over here. Another one over here.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you like.

[Tom Segura]

Thank you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you, like, kind of hate your brother and love your brother?

[Tom Segura]

What is that?

[Bo Allen]

I think everybody kind of hates and loves your brother, right? It's a normal brother. Relationship. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, I like Tom, but I kind of hate him.

[Bo Allen]

Yeah, yeah. That's a normal. That's a healthy male relationship.

[Tom Segura]

I believe you want one too, right?

[Unnamed Speaker]

Yeah, sure.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So you guys running at 2 o' clock?

[Unnamed Speaker]

Running it to Kelsey's got this great idea. Kelsey, why don't you run everyone through with this idea that you had for this 5K?

[Bo Allen]

We're going to try something. Have you. Have you ever heard of a beer mile?

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you being fucking serious?

[Bo Allen]

So, beer mile. One beer every lap. So every 400 meters. So four beers every mile.

[Tom Segura]

Four beers. Wow.

[Bo Allen]

So I'm gonna try a beer. 5K.

[Tom Segura]

So we're doing 12. 12.

[Bo Allen]

I'm gonna try.

[Tom Segura]

Dude, you can do it. You're a champion. You're a God.

[Bo Allen]

12 beers.

[Unnamed Speaker]

Absolutely no chance.

[Tom Segura]

A thousand percent. I believe in you once.

[Bo Allen]

I don't know. I've never tried drinking 12 beers that fast.

[Tom Segura]

And what. Here's the thing. You're earning it with every 400 meters.

[Bo Allen]

That's my thing. Like, if we're gonna do it, let's do it big.

[Tom Segura]

And also, there's water and beer. There is, like, mostly water.

[Bo Allen]

I brought some, like, hydration packets I'm gonna throw in there too. We're gonna be safe out here.

[Tom Segura]

Raspberry garage.

[Unnamed Speaker]

I'm gonna get you an IV and just wheel it behind you as you're running.

[Nori]

This is how. This is how I know I was white in the past life. Because everything they said makes total sense. Like, nothing at all said to me, this doesn't make sense. Like, everything about it was like, yeah, yeah, I see it.

[Tom Segura]

You gotta do it.

[Bo Allen]

Let's go for it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm gonna go for it.

[Nori]

All right. Beers had to be whiskey. Now can you do it with whiskey?

[Tom Segura]

That's rough.

[Bert Kreischer]

Holy shit.

[Nori]

I mean, so what would it be? A shot every 400 meters?

[Bo Allen]

I think it would just be 12 shots.

[Nori]

12 shots.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, Jesus Christ.

[Tom Segura]

If anybody can do it, hey, man, you are the guy.

[Nori]

Thank you for gassing me up.

[Bert Kreischer]

Thank you.

[Tom Segura]

Yes. There's plenty of time to test this theory. Yes, yes, there's plenty of time. Now do you do. Because you're retired now. You're still lifting strong like a psycho, trying to get. Your meathead mentality cannot go away. Right. You got to keep at it. Do you do any type of training to Prepare for the 5k? Any running training?

[Bo Allen]

I've done zero. Awesome. Yeah. Yeah.

[Unnamed Speaker]

I went on a jog on Bayshore Boulevard here on Thursday. Texted Kelsey right after I said it was the first time I Went for a jog in, like 15 years. So I've done a lot of prep for this. I feel really good.

[Tom Segura]

You feel good?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Unnamed Speaker]

This is right. My wheelhouse. I'm a big jogger, big runner. So, so very excited for it.

[Tom Segura]

Running is like such a big man's kryptonite. Like, it's we. I say we, but like us. Us bears.

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Tom Segura]

I despise it. But I make myself do it, you know, I make myself do it.

[Bo Allen]

Yeah. I think it's healthy.

[Tom Segura]

It is.

[Bo Allen]

I've heard it's healthy, which is the only reason I think anybody does it. Right.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bo Allen]

Or at least reason big people.

[Bert Kreischer]

Swimmers are psychos.

[Tom Segura]

That's true.

[Bert Kreischer]

People who swim, by the way. Bye, Mom. Bye, Dad. I love you guys. Thank you very much for coming out.

[Unnamed Speaker]

Bye, mom and dad.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dad, you want to try Japanese whiskey? You want to try Japanese whiskey? You have some at home.

[Nori]

He's fly. Remember I gave you the Pappy Van Winkle? You FaceTimed him. He was like, that's a 10 year old. I was like, oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

We did FaceTime my dad.

[Nori]

That's right. That's right.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right. I love you guys. Swimmers are crazy because you can't listen to music and you just stare at the bottom of a pool.

[Bo Allen]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. That's swimming.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Bo Allen]

Checks out.

[Tom Segura]

That's how it works.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's how it is. Yeah.

[Bo Allen]

I mean, and on. At least was it like that at Wisconsin? The swimmers at Cincinnati were usually the craziest, too.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah.

[Bo Allen]

They are the. The freakiest and the weirdest people on the.

[Unnamed Speaker]

Was a swimmer at Wisconsin.

[Bo Allen]

That checks out.

[Unnamed Speaker]

And he's kind of. I mean, from workaholics there.

[Bert Kreischer]

You ever have sex with a swimmer chick? Plead the fifth Thick. Yeah, back. Thick back.

[Bo Allen]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, bro.

[Bo Allen]

I mean, swimming is all lats.

[Tom Segura]

It's almost like a trans back. It's.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's almost.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes. And if they cut their hair short, you're a dude, then you're in.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bo Allen]

Great cardio, though. Great cardio.

[Bert Kreischer]

Great cardio. They last all night, but, man, there's a couple times you're like, so I am kind of a dude.

[Tom Segura]

You're like, all right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Nor you ever a dude. How come black guys are still homophobic?

[Nori]

I. I can't speak for the black race on this one. I got.

[Bert Kreischer]

Let it.

[Nori]

Let it be. But are we going to take a shot of this? Should we take a shot of this?

[Bo Allen]

Are these the shandies?

[Tom Segura]

These are the garage beer, summer shandies. Summer shandies.

[Nori]

All right.

[Unnamed Speaker]

Garage beer, summer shandy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Have you ever had a summer shandy?

[Nori]

I've never had a summer. I got one arm virgin eyes right now, right here.

[Tom Segura]

Yep.

[Bert Kreischer]

So this is.

[Nori]

Wait, so this is how they open or they made a mistake.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is how they did.

[Tom Segura]

They make a mistake.

[Bo Allen]

Some tool over there that. You can take the top off of it. I've never seen it before. It's pretty snazzy.

[Tom Segura]

Wow.

[Unnamed Speaker]

It makes it more convenient for drinking when you're on the move or running a 5k, you know.

[Nori]

I'm running a 5k. Hell, yeah. So shot of this first. And I'm gonna down it with the perfect.

[Tom Segura]

All right. Yes. The whiskey.

[Bo Allen]

Chase it with the shandy. These 12 drink while running.

[Tom Segura]

Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. Here we go. Oh, my God. That's fantastic.

[Nori]

Can I ask a racial question?

[Tom Segura]

A racial question? Yeah, please.

[Bo Allen]

Those are the only questions I prefer.

[Tom Segura]

I feel like you're the best one to bring it up. Go ahead.

[Nori]

What race is the best drinkers? Irish or Latinos? Oh, Latinos in the building.

[Frank]

Here's the thing.

[Tom Segura]

Latinos are the most fun. Whites are the most terrifying. So it's kind of what kind of vibe you want to go for.

[Bert Kreischer]

I need you to break it down.

[Nori]

Break that down.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, break it down. Reverse it. Let's. Let's eliminate who are the worst drinkers. Workers.

[Tom Segura]

It's Asians.

[Bert Kreischer]

The Asians.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are the worst. They get red. They're allergic to alcohol. Native Americans, Asians, you say?

[Bo Allen]

This is the reddest face I've ever seen.

[Nori]

You notice? This is for a fact?

[Tom Segura]

This is for a fact.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah, there's a thing.

[Bo Allen]

Bert's got some Indo, European, half Asian blood going on.

[Tom Segura]

This is a fact.

[Nori]

You did get red.

[Tom Segura]

And thank you, first of all, thank you for bringing this up.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[Nori]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

But, yeah, you know, there's a lot of Asians that have an enzyme that doesn't, you know, go with alcohol. Plus, they'll start blowing up on you shit that you're not expecting. So I feel like, yeah, it's. It's not the best.

[Nori]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

You know, white drunk, Asian business. There is no, like, some redneck in the train, some Irish guy drinking. They're out of their minds, dude. They'll do that. You can't even control, conceive of drinking, and they'll do it for days on end. They're the scariest. And I think Latins are the most fun.

[Unnamed Speaker]

That's because of the tequila.

[Bo Allen]

I feel like just on.

[Tom Segura]

Sorry. Once again, we left black people out. Sorry.

[Nori]

No, no, I'm. I'm not Sure. I don't know. I don't think we make that card.

[Bert Kreischer]

No. Black guys are fun to drink with.

[Nori]

Yeah. Yeah. Hello.

[Bert Kreischer]

Always.

[Nori]

Hello.

[Bert Kreischer]

Never. Not fun. You know, I didn't realize that black dudes could be alcoholics. You didn't realize that until Tupac Shakur.

[Tom Segura]

Tupac?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Nori]

You didn't get drunk with Tupac?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no.

[Nori]

Okay, wait, say I need to hear the story.

[Tom Segura]

When you listen to Tupac, you're like, this guy's a alcoholic.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no. I didn't realize he had a drinking problem.

[Tom Segura]

Oh.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then one day I was like, why? He's drinking all day.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Thug passion is like an all day drink.

[Tom Segura]

Right?

[Bert Kreischer]

And so. But I just never. I never saw it in you when you moved to New York and you hang out with the. When I got to New York, all the black comics partied and all the white comics were all sober. And I was like, oh, black dudes, get down.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You ever done coke with a white dude?

[Nori]

You know? You know, I've never done cocaine in my life.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you serious?

[Nori]

Never done cocaine.

[Tom Segura]

Never. Like, backstage.

[Nori]

I used to sell cocaine. I used to sell.

[Tom Segura]

Let's make that clear. I think some people didn't hear that I used to sell cocaine.

[Nori]

Yeah. And I never even tested it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like in the movies.

[Nori]

Miami Vice.

[Tom Segura]

What's the most you ever sold in, like, one transaction?

[Nori]

Probably a half a key.

[Tom Segura]

Half a key?

[Nori]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I've never.

[Nori]

I never was a big.

[Tom Segura]

But that's got to feel good, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, I've always wanted to do. It didn't feel good.

[Nori]

No, it was out of necessity.

[Tom Segura]

But, like, when you're holding the. Like, how much do you get paid for half a key?

[Nori]

I don't know. I haven't sold drugs in 27 years.

[Tom Segura]

Well, I mean, you know, was it.

[Nori]

Like I kind of had a career?

[Tom Segura]

It's the. I know, but it's like, it's. It's.

[Bert Kreischer]

But wait, if you hadn't sold drugs, you maybe wouldn't had a career.

[Nori]

Yeah, maybe.

[Bert Kreischer]

Maybe, like, you got it. You got to be grateful that they talk about. Yeah, right?

[Nori]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Gave you credibility, man.

[Nori]

It's the credibility that's definitely sitting ahead, though.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know?

[Tom Segura]

It's the best. Dude, I would put that in my Instagram bio.

[Frank]

I sold coke.

[Bo Allen]

I mean, it's.

[Tom Segura]

You ever rob anybody?

[Bo Allen]

It's a lot of credit.

[Nori]

Does anybody want some more? One more shot of whiskey.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is a dream podcast for me. It's my favorite people. Let's go. Let's Go.

[Tom Segura]

Cheers. What's like, you guys ever commit any crimes?

[Unnamed Speaker]

Just petty crimes.

[Tom Segura]

Shoplifting.

[Unnamed Speaker]

Yeah. Just illegally pirating media. That's a big one for me.

[Tom Segura]

Now you're big strong guys. You ever just beat the absolute fucking shit out of somebody?

[Unnamed Speaker]

Yeah, I used to do that to Kelsey on the football field.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, Jesus.

[Bo Allen]

Shots fired.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Unnamed Speaker]

2018. It was the hottest football game I've ever played in. It was really miserable right here at Ray J Eagles. We won the super bowl the year before and Kelson, the birds came down. It was like week two. It was like 95 degrees. It was the hottest game of all time. The glass reflecting the sunlight on the field. It was terrible.

[Bo Allen]

It was so hot. We went out to warm up and we were out here for two minutes and the coach said, boys, just go back in.

[Tom Segura]

Just go in.

[Bo Allen]

Yeah, like you're going to get more tired out here trying to warm up and play football. So we just cut warm up short.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Unnamed Speaker]

So used to play football on this field. Now we're just ripping beers and running 5Ks around the stadium.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's a better life.

[Tom Segura]

I gotta ask you this, first of all. Big fan of you guys. I love football, like as so many people do. It is so much fun to watch NFL action. Who is the worst? Like the. Who is the matchup of your career where you circle it. You're like, this is going to be a week. Like this week is going to. Sunday is going to be rough with this motherfucker lined up.

[Unnamed Speaker]

I could start. I mean, when we were in Philly, Dallas's O line was incredible. They had Zach Martin, Travis Frederick. Zeke was cooking and I was a nose guard. So I'm eating 30 double teams a game. They're running duo, which is just like a very basic straight ahead run play. And I'm just like grinding my ass off and I get like one assisted tackle the game and I'm fucking eating double team teams that, I mean, so that's one where I was always like, that's a rough.

[Bo Allen]

Played the worst position in the NFL. Yeah, like just be fat as and try and take on two offensive linemen every single snap.

[Tom Segura]

The worst.

[Bo Allen]

Yeah, the worst. I mean, I, I don't know why.

[Unnamed Speaker]

Kelsey played the easiest position. He's a center. You're just a help.

[Bert Kreischer]

I always have helped you.

[Bo Allen]

I get to make all the calls.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[Jason Kelsey]

Two father days. Two. Two father's days ago, my wife got me a wallet for father's day and I thought, how invasive, how presumptuous. Wallet's a personalized choice.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then I went on the road.

[Jason Kelsey]

And I was at a outdoor shop and I found Ridge wallets. Ridge wallets. What I love about them is they are slim. They are a unique modern design that holds up to 12 cards plus cash. They're made of premium materials like aluminum, titanium and carbon fiber and have over 50 colors and styles to choose from. This is the one I use. I'm not going to pull out my credit card, but I'll show you how it's done. Let's see if I can. How do I get my credit card number out online?

[Bert Kreischer]

But it's great.

[Jason Kelsey]

And, and it fits super slim in your back pocket. I got one for my bus driver, Ron. He loves it. And all Ridge products have a lifetime warranty. This is literally the very last wallet you will ever have to buy. Ridge wallets even have an RFID blocking technology that keeps you safe from digital pickpockets. I didn't know what that was. And then one day as I just scanned my card, I went, oh, someone could have that. And just run up to my butt.

[Bert Kreischer]

And hit my butt.

[Jason Kelsey]

Look. And I hate when I lose my wallet. But with the Ridge airtag attachment, I never have to go in panic mode before because I know where my wallet is. I hit it, it makes a sound, I track it, you're within six feet and bam. I got my wallet. Ridge isn't just about wallets. They create premium everyday essentials like key cases, suitcases and rings, all built with the same sleek, durable design. No matter what you pick, Ridge has free shipping and a 99 day risk free trial and a lifetime warranty on all their products. Dude, it's a no brainer. For a limited time, our listeners get 10% off at Ridge by using this code cave at checkout. Just head to ridge.com and use code cave and you're all set. That's ridge.com and use code cave for 10% off. After you purchase, they're going to say.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey, where did you hear about us?

[Jason Kelsey]

Please support our show and tell them that you heard about them on our show and that we sent you. That is ridge.com and the code is cave for 10% off.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is the best vodka in the world.

[Jason Kelsey]

You're talking to a man who's put 10,000 hours into a couple things. Eating pussy and drinking vodka. I'll bring my wife in if you want. I'm pretty good at the first one too, but this is better than pussy.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is the best vodka you're ever going to have.

[Jason Kelsey]

It's clean I sleep court. My sleep scores through the roof because of it.

[Bert Kreischer]

It tastes clean. Everyone I've given it to loves this vodka.

[Tom Segura]

To tell them it's absolutely fantastic. We have a proprietary distillation process. And listen, we are winning competitions. We have gold medals in various competitions. And honestly, you, the people are the ones telling us how great it is, too. This is not just smoke that we're blowing here. We're telling you.

[Frank]

Because you're telling us.

[Tom Segura]

This is now your favorite vodka.

[Frank]

So thank you.

[Tom Segura]

And if you haven't tried porosos, get out to the store. If you. If they don't carry it, tell them you want them to carry it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tell them, request it. When you go to the bar, you say, hey, do you carry porosos?

[Jason Kelsey]

And if they say, no, go, you should. It's pretty freaking awesome.

[Tom Segura]

And then walk out.

[Jason Kelsey]

You know what I do? I go, do you carry porosos? And they say, no, I bring out a bottle, I give it to him.

[Bert Kreischer]

I go, now you do.

[Jason Kelsey]

Can I get a bottle of glass of porosos?

[Tom Segura]

That's awesome.

[Frank]

That's awesome.

[Bo Allen]

What's up?

[Bert Kreischer]

Are they, like, when you're a center, like, when you. When you're a long snapper, are they not allowed to hit the long snapper?

[Unnamed Speaker]

Not anymore.

[Bo Allen]

You are not allowed to hit the long snapper.

[Unnamed Speaker]

Oh, I be down.

[Bo Allen]

Oh, my gosh.

[Bert Kreischer]

That was a close call. My blood pressure just raised.

[Tom Segura]

Wait, but who is your. Who is your. Like, this guy?

[Bo Allen]

For me, a lot of them.

[Tom Segura]

A lot. But, like, who are pretty much every week?

[Bo Allen]

No. So Dexter Lawrence up in New York.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Bo Allen]

Towards the end of my career.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bo Allen]

Really, really good player guy that has everything. You really. If you play a guy that's big but doesn't really have any speed to his game, you can kind of work around it. If you play the. A guy that's undersized, fast, doesn't have that, like, length or that size. Yeah, you can play to that. Guys that have both of them are just like, I don't. I'm working with nothing here.

[Tom Segura]

Just trying to.

[Bo Allen]

I'm gonna try and outsmart this person. And usually it works. Like, thankfully, I played Dexter Young in his career. So the first couple times I played him, I could use all these, like, little tricks that I accumulated over a decade.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bo Allen]

And then after you play them again, it's like, oh, just throws you to the side. But, yeah, Dexter was up there. A guy named Snacks.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, Snacks.

[Bo Allen]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's a great nickname.

[Tom Segura]

Wait, for the.

[Bo Allen]

For a nose guard. That's like the best. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

For a daughter, but. Yeah. What's up, Snacks? This is a great nickname.

[Bo Allen]

It's a great nickname, really, for anybody.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's a great nickname.

[Bo Allen]

Yeah. Snacks. Harrison was unbelievable. Limbaugh Joseph is very good. A lot of nose guards that nobody in this audience probably is going to be that familiar with.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Bo Allen]

But Vita Vea.

[Unnamed Speaker]

I didn't see Vita. I don't think Vita's running many 5Ks.

[Bert Kreischer]

I wanted Dez Watson.

[Unnamed Speaker]

That's that big boy, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

He's a big guy. Yeah.

[Unnamed Speaker]

So you see des Watson, he's £460, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

£460. 7 2.

[Bo Allen]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I wanted him to run it, but he doesn't have to report for another week. Wait, how do you guys come up. This is good. I like the nicknames thing. Did you guys have a lot of nicknames in the.

[Bo Allen]

We did. And the old school players had all had nicknames.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Bo Allen]

That's one thing I wish we'd bring back.

[Unnamed Speaker]

I'm trying to.

[Bo Allen]

The NFL is like the great nicknames of, like, the past.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

How did you. In hip hop, how did you come up with Nori?

[Nori]

Oh, no. I read a book about the Manuel Noriega and Shout out to Manuel Norrie. Yeah. And it just dropped. And person picked it up and asked me a question about Manuel Noriega, and he didn't know that I had the.

[Bert Kreischer]

The. The.

[Nori]

The page folded. So it's actually where I was just reading. So I said it. And then he just started calling me Noriega. And so it was. It was, like, just given to me. And then, you know, I knew that I would face legal problems, so I shortened it to Nori.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Nori]

That's how it happened.

[Tom Segura]

You ever hear from, like, his camp?

[Nori]

Like, I actually reached out to him, and he was in. He was locked up in Florida in Kendu. In the prison.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Nori]

And I lived in Kendo at the time. So I reached out to him and I. And then they had their attorneys reach back out to me, and I was like, oh, let me just change my name.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So you were like, what's up? He was like, actually, yeah, because.

[Nori]

Because, you know, I don't spell it the way he spells it, and I didn't never named it. I never sold a product with that name on it that way. But I wanted to do that, like, just out of respect.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Nori]

And, you know, people sometimes just see a payday. They don't see, like, a relationship. How dope would it have been?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God.

[Nori]

Noriega, the rapper, met Manuel Noriega.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, dude.

[Nori]

Dictator or whatever the.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't even know what the.

[Nori]

You know, I mean, whatever the. Like, that would have been dope. I. I tried to go see him. I wouldn't really would have went to go see him, but I think his family saw it like a payday.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Nori]

And then. And they, and they like, you know, so I got away from it.

[Tom Segura]

You know, he's a big Putin fan, so that's cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, I'm a big fan of anybody. If you're famous, I'm a fan.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it's pretty cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

I want to party with Kim Jong Un. What's the worst?

[Unnamed Speaker]

He loves partying with the Asians, notorious drinkers.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, Kim Jong Un's alcoholic. Yeah, no, he is. And by the way, if Kim. If you're listening to this. Yeah, he's a big fan of the pod, I think, dude, you know, he listens to podcasts. You don't think he listens to Rogan?

[Unnamed Speaker]

Western media is undefeated, you know, you think.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right, who's the most fucked up person you think listens to your podcast?

[Unnamed Speaker]

Mine, probably my. My own family.

[Bert Kreischer]

But no, you got to have a deep, you know, Putin. Yeah. This is a Rogan. You know, he does. For sure. You know he does. You know, when, you know, Trump listens to it, you think he doesn't.

[Bo Allen]

This Putin even. You think he listens to English speaking podcasts.

[Bert Kreischer]

Fuck yes.

[Unnamed Speaker]

Putin's going on new heights next week, actually.

[Bert Kreischer]

Would you.

[Tom Segura]

Crazy numbers. It'll be insane.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right, what's the worst hip hop name you ever heard where you're like, yeah, that isn't gonna fly.

[Nori]

My very first name.

[Tom Segura]

What was it?

[Nori]

MC Yahoo with the ball. To be MC what? MC Yahoo with the ball, the beam.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's a lot.

[Unnamed Speaker]

It's a mouthful.

[Nori]

It's terrible. I would have went with it and been successful.

[Bert Kreischer]

Imagine that.

[Nori]

Like when it worked, like you, like you would have been saying, hey, when I walk by MC Yahoo with the.

[Tom Segura]

Bala bean, like you all like, oh, no, it's by MC Yahoo with the balabine.

[Nori]

It was a terrible.

[Tom Segura]

How long did it last?

[Nori]

I was 11 years old. 11. From 11 to 11. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. You mean it's a child's name?

[Nori]

No, I, I thought I was a grown man at that time. When you from the ghetto and you're 11 years old. Yeah. You're 21, sir.

[Bert Kreischer]

A black 11 year old is more of a grown up than me. Yeah, without a doubt.

[Nori]

Yes, yes, that's a fact.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[Nori]

We went through a whole bunch of But I'm glad I didn't choose that name.

[Tom Segura]

I'm so glad, too.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Nori is way better.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, Tommy, do you have any nicknames?

[Tom Segura]

Buns.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tommy Buns. You know what that's from?

[Nori]

Not from Belly.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, of course it's from.

[Nori]

Your nickname. Was Tommy Buns from Belly?

[Tom Segura]

From Belly. Because.

[Bert Kreischer]

Make some noise for that.

[Nori]

God damn it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah.

[Nori]

I'm sorry to make this drink. Chance. I apologize.

[Tom Segura]

No, I love it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love it.

[Tom Segura]

Yes. Yeah, yeah.

[Nori]

But so how did you. So what, you was watching Belly and you. Somebody was like.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, I'm in college.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Belly comes out. We're all hip hop fans. We're Hype Williams fans, right? And the soundtrack's crazy. And, you know, we're just watching this movie. I'm Tom. Tommy. Parents call me Tommy. Just kind of. They're like, you know, you remind me of dmx. I was like, I know. And then they just started calling me Buns, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

Best DMX interview.

[Nori]

Makes a noise for dmx.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Best DMX interview ever.

[Nori]

I'm gonna give you. I'm gonna give you a height wave story real quick, right? Yeah, I love it. I'm number one. Coming out of left, Rock City, Queens. 973057 Avenue, Apartment 5E, Corona, New York, you know, 11368. I make it so I finally get a chance to get a Hype Williams video. Hype Williams is the man in. In hip hop.

[Tom Segura]

That's what I'm just intervening to say that, like, at the time, Hype Williams, just imagine it's Christopher Nolan and Quentin Tarantino. Like, he is that level for music videos.

[Nori]

Williams like this, guys. So put it like this guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

He'll explain it. Hype Williams is every hip hop video you loved.

[Nori]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. So put it like this.

[Nori]

If you get Hype Williams, you basically win the super bowl, right? Put it like that, right? But you got to get him. He's like.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's weird.

[Unnamed Speaker]

Exclusive.

[Nori]

He's weird. He's very, like, hard to get out. Like, he's just weird. He's just eccentric. Like, you know, I don't. I don't think he wears deodorant, like, type of. You know?

[Unnamed Speaker]

I mean, Kelsey probably loves him now.

[Bo Allen]

This guy sounds great.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Nori]

So I mean.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, you know what I'm trying.

[Nori]

To say, you know, like, eccentric, you know? So we finally get Hyped to agree to it. Hype meets us at the Trump Hotel and he says, yo. So he said. He said, get a room. Get a room at the Trump Hotel. So get a room at the Trump Hotel. Meet Height Williams. It's me and him. It's weird. So he says Roy Jones is the number one box at the time. So he's like, we're gonna call Roy Jones and Roy Jones is going to be a part of your video. So I'm like, okay. He had Roy Jones number. I didn't have Roy Jones number. Yeah, he called Roy Jones and. And he says, I need you to be in this video. And Roy Jones said. He says, act out the video. And Roy Jones said, no, no, no, I'm not gonna act this out. I have a fight this Saturday. You guys could come this Saturday and film. I immediately hit mute.

[Bert Kreischer]

He says, say it in the mic. They can't hear you.

[Nori]

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm like, what is this? Guy loses. We don't want to film that.

[Tom Segura]

Right?

[Nori]

But Jones was so confident at the time, he said, you guys are good. Came filmed it. He wins.

[Unnamed Speaker]

He can't be touched.

[Nori]

He wins. This is when he was untouchable. That's correct.

[Unnamed Speaker]

That's a song.

[Nori]

We filmed the Hype Williams video. Hype Williams gives me a bottle, three bottles of cognac at the time. We're from the hood. We're used to drinking Hennessy and Coca Cola. I drank three bottles of Louis xiii. What with Pepsi, we thought it was Hennessy.

[Tom Segura]

You're drinking like hundred thousand dollar bottles.

[Nori]

Louis the 13th. We're sitting there. So I'm having the ball of it. I go backstage. He has a case of crystal. I'm having the ball of it. Everywhere we go. Mr. Charles, he had. Mr. Child's flown in from New York City to Las Vegas. Do you know I paid for all that?

[Bert Kreischer]

You did you.

[Nori]

I'm thinking I'm balling on a budget. I'm thinking, I had no idea. See an artist, all of that is charged back to you.

[Tom Segura]

See, nothing is more up than the music business.

[Nori]

Nothing is more.

[Tom Segura]

Nothing is more. It is the most predatory business practices in the world.

[Nori]

So it was the most fun I ever had. It was the most balling I ever had. But I did not know I was paying for this whole shit. Whole.

[Tom Segura]

What was your bill? Do you have any, you recall?

[Nori]

Absolutely. 1.8 million. 1.8 million, absolutely, bro.

[Tom Segura]

Imagine that. Like, wasn't today fun? Here's the bill.

[Bert Kreischer]

What was your friend, what was your rookie dinner like?

[Unnamed Speaker]

Mine wasn't that bad.

[Nori]

I got it. Means you had to pay for the team, right?

[Unnamed Speaker]

Kind of like an initiation.

[Bert Kreischer]

Offensive line. So that's a lot of food.

[Unnamed Speaker]

So I was a seventh round pick. We had a good group of vets, guys like Kels and other dudes. I think I got out for like seven or eight grand. But I. I was. I was still hurt over. But it wasn't $1.8 million. I wasn't drinking Louie. Some dude tried to order a Louie at my rookie meal. I said, no, no, no, acho. You're not doing that, brother.

[Nori]

Not on my dime.

[Bert Kreischer]

My guy.

[Unnamed Speaker]

It wasn't. It wasn't really that bad.

[Bo Allen]

A lot of it comes down to, like, how good the rookie is. Like, is he. Do the vets like them? They're gonna have some fun with them. But if a guy's a dick, you're gonna get got at the rookie dinner.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Unnamed Speaker]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So you will be like, I've seen.

[Bo Allen]

Guys take Louie not. And they don't even want to drink it. They just take the shot and pour it into a glass.

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Bo Allen]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Just because the guy's a dick.

[Unnamed Speaker]

Or like, if you're a first round pick, like, like Vito was drafted by the bucks here and he was a rookie. And like, we had a nice.

[Nori]

We kind of.

[Unnamed Speaker]

We kind of him over a little more.

[Tom Segura]

You're gonna. And what is it like, like a rookie? Like, first of all, just. You don't imagine rookies being dicks because you kind of in your mind, you.

[Bo Allen]

Go, oh, no, they're definitely. There's some that are.

[Tom Segura]

They come in with an attitude and they're just. What, like not friendly? Not.

[Bo Allen]

Not like usually. Usually the ones that do come in with an attitude are actually like, they're usually really insecure.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

Right.

[Bo Allen]

They're usually like trying to mask something.

[Tom Segura]

Sure.

[Bo Allen]

So nine times out of 10, they're really good players and the guys end up being great players in the league aren't like that.

[Tom Segura]

Right.

[Bo Allen]

There's a. They're confident, but they're also, you know, just excited to be in the NFL.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Bo Allen]

Around NFL players and vets. So that's the way it usually goes. But I don't know, the higher pick you are, the. The more that rookie dinner ends up being. I've seen it as high like you've seen in the 20 thousands of dollars for a meal.

[Tom Segura]

That's pretty crazy, right?

[Bo Allen]

I think our rookie year we had a first round pick. We split it three ways and it was something like 15. Somewhere between 11 and 15. I can't remember.

[Tom Segura]

That's a nice meal.

[Bo Allen]

Split it.

[Tom Segura]

But steaks, steaks, some wine, Louie.

[Bo Allen]

I mean, it's all in drinks.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bo Allen]

And guys are taking bottles of wine home. Home.

[Tom Segura]

That's hilarious.

[Bo Allen]

Right?

[Bert Kreischer]

I love it.

[Nori]

So can I ask you a football question?

[Bo Allen]

I would love a football question.

[Nori]

Why did Deion Sanders son go so late in the draft?

[Bo Allen]

Yeah, I think it's, there's, it's. There's multiple parts of that. I think the character stuff and like all the interviews is probably being overplayed a little bit.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Bo Allen]

I think the reality is if he was viewed as a first round talent or a guy that would be like a organizational changing player, right. They would have drafted him in the first round.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right.

[Bo Allen]

Like if, if Michael Vick or, you know, Cam Newton or any of these guys had the same interviews with those type of traits, they would have been drafted that high.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow.

[Bo Allen]

Because at the end of the day, teams want to win games.

[Nori]

Right?

[Bo Allen]

So the reality is when he starts falling, all that is, is a metric of these teams that are in the market for quarterbacks don't feel at a high level that he's going to pan out to be that player in the NFL. All right. Now the interviews and stuff like that, did that cause him to fall more later in the draft? Potentially. But I think most of it comes down to the arm strength isn't like crazy elite. The athleticism isn't crazy elite. So what is the trait that is going to stress defenses? Well, it comes down to there's been a lot of quarterbacks with his traits that have had success, but a lot of those guys have some it factor that you can't measure at a combine. Right. There's. They see the game in a way that you, you can't measure. Right. And if he's one of those guys, which he was throughout college, he had amazing success. He can still pan out in the NFL. But you're not going to spend a high pick on a guy that doesn't have those measurables that they're looking for. So I think that's the biggest reason.

[Nori]

But it had nothing. Do you think it had anything to do with Deion himself?

[Bo Allen]

I think some of those distractions later in the draft do play a little bit, but I, I still think by and large the majority of it comes down to like, if you're at that pick, right, and you have this, this group of quarterbacks, let's say you got four guys that you think are in this tier. If d. If, if, you know, if Shador was that high above those other guys that they thought was like, had that probability of panning out the next level, like, we think this Guy can be this player. If he's that much higher, you take the baggage because at the end of the day, that's what you're drafting for. You're trying to draft a win game. The NFL's always, if it's close, if it's close, it's like, hey, this guy can do this really well. If he pans out, you know, is it worth risking it with Shador and having to deal with the stuff on the side and all the noise the way teams dealt with, you know, like Tim Tebow coming out. Right. He was a guy that had a lot of years as a backup. And not to his credit. I mean Tim was a great person. But because he had such a fandom and such a, a following, that is.

[Tom Segura]

Something still have to think about. This is going to be a media circus. There's going to be like. It's going to be.

[Bo Allen]

They do, but. They do. But my only issue with this whole topic is I think that is being talked about way too much.

[Tom Segura]

Too much.

[Bo Allen]

I think that that has taken the overwhelming majority of the spotlight in this instance. And the reality is the majority of reason why he was not selected. Where people had him pre draft selected.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Bo Allen]

Is because the NFL did not view him as that caliber of player or that they had the potential to be like. Right.

[Tom Segura]

Mel Kuiper Jr. Almost had a seizure on television talking about his. Because he analyzed him as a top pick. But the, really the, the where he got drafted is just the statement of the NFL saying we don't think you're a top tier talent.

[Bo Allen]

Exactly.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, now they. Apparently no one read black Twitter. Yeah, you gotta go to black Black Twitter. Hey man, Black Twitter was where I was.

[Nori]

Black Twitter is different.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was called. And I'm gonna say this wrong. I apologize.

[Tom Segura]

Don't say the N word.

[Bert Kreischer]

Nope. Oh, please don't say they wanted to break a black man. Yeah, that's what black Twitter said. Said what they. They. You can't come in as a black man. They did. Colin Kaepernick. Yeah. This is black Twitter. I was. That's all I watched.

[Tom Segura]

But also to be fair, back to black Twitter, there's a few black NFL players. Like, it's not just.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, but, no, but they, they let, hold on. They let this happen with the, with the, with Eli Manning.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, I see.

[Bert Kreischer]

Eli Manning's dad Archie was a little controlling. Dude, this is all black Twitter, buddy. That's all I do.

[Nori]

Let me tell you something, man, because you know what?

[Bert Kreischer]

Bert Kreischer is a piece of shit. Doesn't show up on black Twitter.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, you're, you're. I should explain the point you're making. You're. The point you're making is that people were saying they were hypercritical of Dion having said, yes, my son will not play. I will not let my son play for certain teams. And people were like very vocal about that. And they would point out that when Archie Manning did it for Eli several years ago that it wasn't an issue. So that was like one of the things going.

[Bo Allen]

When Archie did do that and when Eli was doing that, that it was controversial at the time. Like it was, it was frowned upon. But at the end of the day, there were still teams that viewed Eli.

[Tom Segura]

As being as top tier.

[Bo Allen]

Like that's all it comes down to. I know I'm going to keep coming back to that. And Shador, you know, Brock Purdy dropped because he didn't have any of these outstanding traits.

[Tom Segura]

Right. Right.

[Bo Allen]

He's panned out in the NFL. And the same thing like all these, there are quarterbacks are selected later in the round that just don't have these, these attributes that allow teams to accurately project whether they can be the best quarterbacks in the league. When you're drafted in the first round, that's what you think you're getting. You're trying to get a guy that eventually is going to be an all pro, one of the best quarterbacks in the league.

[Tom Segura]

Right.

[Bo Allen]

And they get it wrong all the time. But when you're making that assessment, you have to pick quarterbacks that have some type of trait that leads you.

[Tom Segura]

You go, this is like, oh man.

[Bo Allen]

You see this guy's arm or like his athleticism is going to allow us, our offense to do all these types.

[Tom Segura]

Or he just reads the game incredibly.

[Bo Allen]

But that's a harder one.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bo Allen]

To gauge. And that's where there's the viewpoints and decision making and all that stuff is way harder to judge coming out.

[Bert Kreischer]

Let's get back to, let's get back to like, like, let's get back to goofy. Okay, what do you think's better? Okay, let's go. Being an NFL offensive lineman, an NFL quarterback, a platinum selling artist, rapper, country musician, whatever, or a stand up comedian if you could.

[Bo Allen]

And we're assuming we're good at all.

[Bert Kreischer]

We, all of us are. Yeah, bro. There's millions of dollars of talent on this stage right now.

[Nori]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, so you get to.

[Unnamed Speaker]

I want to be a platinum selling artist recording.

[Tom Segura]

That's a thousand percent.

[Bo Allen]

I think it's just you up there.

[Tom Segura]

You know, it's you I want to be. MC Yahoo. With the beat, with the ball to be.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Nori]

Watch out. What the is that?

[Bert Kreischer]

It's a love bug.

[Nori]

Yeah. I ain't gonna lie. That's white people bugs. I've never seen that type of bug.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's a Florida bug.

[Nori]

No, I live in Florida.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's why they're called love bugs.

[Nori]

That's two beers. Okay. Let me ask you. Ballers is one of my favorite shows on earth.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right.

[Nori]

You ever saw it?

[Bo Allen]

Of course.

[Nori]

How accurate that is because completely ridiculous. So it's not accurate.

[Bo Allen]

I mean, I think that all of those stories in some semblance can happen, but that's like a much more dramatized version of, like, what reality is.

[Nori]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. But also, he's a good guy, you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Know, it's like, no, Jason's like, you.

[Tom Segura]

Want to follow, like a real piece.

[Bert Kreischer]

Of shit being famous. You want his brother.

[Tom Segura]

You want to ask this question to different players?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. You need some guy raw dogging in Cleveland.

[Bo Allen]

Ask that question to Johnny Manziel. You'll get an interesting answer.

[Bert Kreischer]

Look, Jason's such a good guy. He says he's going to come and he shows up. You and him are.

[Bo Allen]

The bar is low.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're regular human.

[Bo Allen]

That's all. It's.

[Unnamed Speaker]

That's all it takes. You just got availability, you know?

[Nori]

That's beautiful. That's beautiful.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's.

[Nori]

I ain't gonna lie. I had to get my medal because I was here. Out here earlier.

[Bo Allen]

Yeah.

[Nori]

And I did it.

[Bo Allen]

Can you tell what is so. I've never done a 5K where you're like, you're go. We're going upstairs.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, Nori, Give them the. Give them the.

[Nori]

I'll be honest. I thought. I thought. These guys are my friends.

[Bo Allen]

Yeah.

[Nori]

So I thought they would, like, give me, like, the. The VIP warning. There's hills. These hills are not funny.

[Bo Allen]

Yeah, yeah.

[Nori]

No one is talking to each other. They're just. You're just going through, and it's just mean mugging. Everyone gets mad at the hills.

[Bo Allen]

Yeah, of course. How could you not?

[Nori]

And you go down the hill, you get happy, and then it tricks you because there's more hills.

[Tom Segura]

A lot of hills, bro.

[Nori]

It's just more here.

[Bo Allen]

But did you walk the hills or run the hills?

[Nori]

I don't walk nothing, sir.

[Bo Allen]

You didn't walk a single thing.

[Nori]

I don't walk nothing, sir.

[Bo Allen]

Sir, what was your time?

[Nori]

They called me n on the run, eating. I'm eating these miles.

[Tom Segura]

You have your time.

[Nori]

I don't have my time. I didn't give a about my time. I wanted to come here to do two beers.

[Tom Segura]

That's what's up.

[Nori]

God damn it. And drink Osos and rock my metal.

[Tom Segura]

Rock your metal.

[Bo Allen]

Well, you got the metal.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm telling you. These are my favorite podcast right here.

[Tom Segura]

Wait, did you guys ever play a game Drunk, high or hungover?

[Bo Allen]

No.

[Tom Segura]

No, never.

[Bert Kreischer]

Nothing hungover.

[Tom Segura]

Never hung over.

[Bo Allen]

I wish I could tell you otherwise, but no.

[Tom Segura]

See, these are good guys.

[Nori]

These are great people. Great people.

[Bo Allen]

Yeah.

[Unnamed Speaker]

I could tell I wasn't good enough for that.

[Bo Allen]

That would do like a shot of whiskey or something like that before they play.

[Tom Segura]

That was the thing.

[Bo Allen]

Marshawn lynch famously, I think, is talked about.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bo Allen]

Like a shot of Hennessy before he played Wild. The league has also changed quite a bit.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bo Allen]

Even just in my time, like, more. More of the young guys just don't even drink. Like, it's not even like a thing that they really enjoy doing. Whereas earlier in my career, when you first came in the league, that's all anybody did was, like, the first thing you did. Thursday, practice lets out. We're going to the bars.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bo Allen]

Thirsty Thursdays. Let's go.

[Tom Segura]

I was talking to some of the young guys about team meetings.

[Bo Allen]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And they. And I was like, do you drink in them? And they're like, no. I go, I know guys that used to just drink in all their team meetings.

[Bo Allen]

Sports science has ruined camaraderie.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Goddamn science. How up do you get after a Super bowl win? Is it a blackout?

[Bo Allen]

I mean, enough that you don't remember.

[Tom Segura]

That's okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. But you wake up going, what did I do yesterday? And your wife goes, you won the Super Bowl. That's right.

[Bo Allen]

At some point, you're, you're, you're. You remember winning the super bowl and you remember going to the after party.

[Tom Segura]

And then that's kind of it.

[Bo Allen]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Kind of hate.

[Bo Allen]

And then you kind of have that brown out. Oh, I ran into that person and this person. And then you're trying to piece it together. Yeah. That's a super life support.

[Tom Segura]

How about a fun one? What is. You're, you know, you're a college kid. You want to play in the league, you get to the league. What's the stupidest purchase you made when you made.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, let's go around the table.

[Jason Kelsey]

Hold on.

[Bert Kreischer]

Let's do.

[Tom Segura]

What's the dumbest.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm guessing Jason's is gonna be mild.

[Bo Allen]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Jason's gonna be like, I bought. So relatable.

[Bo Allen]

I'm sorry.

[Tom Segura]

Man, I got a tree for the yard.

[Bo Allen]

I'm getting a call that they're telling me my pancakes are ready.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, do we have his pancakes?

[Bo Allen]

I'm, like, the most needy person. I asked for pancakes. And you guys have such a wonderful staff here. They just are whipping up pancakes.

[Bert Kreischer]

They ran. They love making pancakes.

[Tom Segura]

They love you.

[Bo Allen]

I mean, the dumbest purchase I made. I don't know. I.

[Tom Segura]

You're so.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hold on. You're famous for wanting to bring your kids.

[Bo Allen]

He was the first thing I bought.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's right.

[Bo Allen]

That's not a dumb purchase, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, an F150. No, no, no.

[Tom Segura]

That's good.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, but you were famous for.

[Tom Segura]

You didn't want to bring your kids.

[Bert Kreischer]

To the super bowl when they were infants.

[Bo Allen]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

And your wife was like, I actually.

[Bo Allen]

Brought my kid to this Super Bowl. My first child. My brother's playing here. Well, actually, take that back. That was in Miami. Sorry. This super bowl sucked, by the way. For me. I came here to watch my brother play Super Bowl. They got killed. And then I got like. And they didn't even know who I was. Like, that was when nobody knew who Jason Kelsey was. Right. I am walking through Raymond James Stadium, getting shit talked, wearing a chief's jersey, just, you suck. And I am getting it, like, berated endlessly with my parents. Then I just got to get out of here. We got to walk away. It was the best. I've never felt like such a one NFL fan. It was. It was incredible.

[Tom Segura]

It's pretty amazing, no.

[Bo Allen]

I tried to bring my kid to a Super bowl, and apparently for Shoebowl, each kid has to have every heartbeat, has to have a ticket. So we have an infant with us. We think we're going to be able to get in. We show up, and they tell us, no, you can't bring that child in here. And for anybody that doesn't know to get to the Shrew bowl, it's like a whole.

[Tom Segura]

It's a whole process.

[Bo Allen]

Like, you got to take.

[Tom Segura]

It's like the White House.

[Bo Allen]

Yeah, there's. We're already, like, halfway through this meandering maze to get into the stadium, and they finally tell us, no, you can't come in. And we start panicking. And thankfully, the NFL, like, we call, like, you know, what is it? Seven ways to Kevin Bacon or whatever that game is. Yeah. We're playing that game. And eventually they get us in there. Like, yeah, don't worry about it. You can come in the stadium, but, wow. I don't really know where we're Going with that.

[Bert Kreischer]

But here, round of garage beers. Jason, thank you so much for sending these beers.

[Tom Segura]

Thank you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Thank you for coming down here. You're a legend. Thank you. But hold on. Wait.

[Bo Allen]

Yeah. So worst purchases.

[Nori]

Only one with light bill. No, there's not only one with light beer. They must.

[Tom Segura]

They said you have Nor. You got to have a wild rapper purchase that you've made.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

[Nori]

I thought he was going next.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, okay, okay.

[Unnamed Speaker]

I think yours will be more exciting than mine.

[Bert Kreischer]

Save it for Nori.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Unnamed Speaker]

No, I mean, my. Mine was like, okay, not when I was young, but the most, like, aggressive purchase was the super bowl when we played was in Minnesota. I'm from Minnesota. I grew up there, so we had. I had 30 people there. I had to buy 30 Super bowl tickets for my family.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God.

[Unnamed Speaker]

It took a little bit of a hit of my Super Bowl. Check that.

[Bert Kreischer]

That year.

[Unnamed Speaker]

Yeah. I was a seventh round draft pick. My big purchase, I think I got a 50, $50,000 signing bonus my rookie year. It went out to, like, McCormick and Schmidt's Steakhouse in Philly and was like, I'm balling. You know what I mean?

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, I'm the man.

[Tom Segura]

That's awesome.

[Unnamed Speaker]

It wasn't anything super exciting.

[Bo Allen]

Bo and I had the privilege of being drafted very late in the NFL draft, which I think there's this conception that everybody in the draft gets paid a ridiculous sum of money right away.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bo Allen]

And we get paid. It's good, but, like, it's not to make a ridiculous. Like a truly absurd purchase, like a McClure McLaren or.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bo Allen]

Some ridiculous house that is never going to ever get paid off. We didn't have that kind of money.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah. Mine are like yours. I'm a very relatable regular guy, too. Tom. What's yours?

[Tom Segura]

Go ahead.

[Bert Kreischer]

What do we got?

[Bo Allen]

Come on.

[Tom Segura]

You're a very. You're a very. What?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't. I don't. I've spent money on houses and watches.

[Jason Kelsey]

That's it.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bo Allen]

I used to think my brother was making bad purchases. My brother bought some Marty McFly shoes.

[Nori]

Apparently, they're, like, big. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bo Allen]

He spent six.

[Nori]

Okay. At the time, they're worth 9,000.

[Bo Allen]

And I know that now. At the time, I crushed him. I'm like, dude, what are you doing?

[Nori]

Yeah.

[Bo Allen]

Like, you're buying shoes for this much money. What the.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bo Allen]

You're an idiot. And now they're like, nine. They might even be more crazy how much these things appreciate.

[Tom Segura]

And, like, incredible.

[Nori]

And especially if we don't wear them.

[Bo Allen]

And he doesn't. He just keeps.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Nori]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Bo Allen]

He's got boxes. Well, I shouldn't even say this because I don't want people to know this.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bo Allen]

He's got all sorts of sneakers and.

[Bert Kreischer]

He'S got money hidden under his bed.

[Nori]

So my most ignorant purchase. Yes, by far, is when I bought an iced out diamond Newport chain.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you realize how many people responded to that?

[Tom Segura]

That's incredible.

[Nori]

Some of them know or some of them is like, that's up. I smoking cigarettes one day and I was just like. I kept missing my cigarettes. I kept misplacing them. It's like, what. What do you do to not misplace your cigarettes? By the way? I don't smoke cigarettes no more. But I was like, fuck it. Let me get a chain. Let me get a chain and diamond it out. By far, also the most embarrassing moment of my life. I'm riding in an elevator and this old white woman just comes in the elevator. And I'm sitting there and I. I'm just. It's just a natural impulse. And I open up my chains and it's a full box. She just looks. She's just horrified. Nothing threatening.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Nori]

But I pulled out my cigarette and the way she looked at me, I got rid of the chain immediately.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Nori]

I was like, this was. This is a bad.

[Unnamed Speaker]

I've never wanted anything more, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

I want it.

[Tom Segura]

Did you sell it?

[Unnamed Speaker]

Your swag?

[Nori]

Yeah, I sold it. Back to TV Johnny. Big up TV Johnny for doing it. But then my. My other purchase is recent also terrible.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Nori]

I was in a Lego movie.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Nori]

I don't know if you know Pharrell and the Neptune's like first hit on television was with me.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Nori]

Superdog.

[Bert Kreischer]

What? What? What? What?

[Nori]

What? You know?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that.

[Nori]

Look it up Google. Right? So he puts me in his Lego Movie and I was looking to do another chain, so I said, ah. And I just made a Lego chain.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Nori]

And my chain has a chain. It's fantastic. Make some noise for me.

[Tom Segura]

Make some noise for the Lego chain.

[Nori]

So I got a Lego and I know I'm 47 years old. There's no way I should be running around with a Lego chain, right?

[Tom Segura]

Dude, do you still have it?

[Nori]

No, I just brought it. I just bought it yesterday. Like, type of shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So. So. But who the would have think a kid from left Rack City, Queens would be in a Lego Movie rocking a.

[Tom Segura]

Diamond Lego chain now?

[Nori]

God damn it. Thank you. You got bars.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Nori]

You got bars into the sentence.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's the one that introduced me to Richard Millay.

[Nori]

Richard Millet. Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Yeah. I've never. Yeah, it's like, I got a pee and you ran.

[Tom Segura]

I got a piss.

[Nori]

What you got on?

[Tom Segura]

I'm gonna go.

[Bo Allen]

Those are some great shorts, by the way.

[Nori]

Tom, another shot.

[Tom Segura]

Thank you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are we doing another shot?

[Nori]

Let's do another shot.

[Tom Segura]

We have to do. Because you also have to wrap up. We got to get to Jelly's Run club. So we got to wrap this up.

[Nori]

All right, let's do it.

[Bo Allen]

I got pancakes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Did you know that. That your electricity bill increases the more you use?

[Bo Allen]

I don't even know what he's rambling about.

[Tom Segura]

No, this is a standard thing I go through most days.

[Nori]

Tiny shots. Tiny shots.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tiny shots. Tiny shots.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tiny shot. That's okay.

[Bo Allen]

Actually already got enough in there.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right. Yeah.

[Unnamed Speaker]

It.

[Bert Kreischer]

Frank. Shout out to Frank. Frank, how much weight are you down right now? You're doing good, right?

[Tom Segura]

Doing great.

[Bert Kreischer]

Frank from barstool sports, he also walk and talk with Frank. He'll be doing it today with Antonio Brown. Antonio Brown will be out here and I don't think.

[Nori]

Mets fan. He's already a good guy. He got a Mets hat on.

[Bo Allen]

Maybe.

[Unnamed Speaker]

He's a big fan of garage beer. Isn't he, C?

[Bo Allen]

He's the best follow on Twitter. I know that.

[Nori]

That's right. Left rack. It's not Le Freak. It's left rack. But I got you, my man. Got you.

[Tom Segura]

But also, let's just first of all, thank you again, everybody. You made this possible. So thank you for coming out today and supporting. You guys are amazing. A big shout out to Nori, Bo Allen, Jason, Kelsey, everybody that came and supported us. Can't thank you enough.

[Bert Kreischer]

The run champs, the run champs, and.

[Tom Segura]

The drink champs together.

[Nori]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Thank you.

[Tom Segura]

Cheers.

[Bert Kreischer]

Thank you to Mike Cowton. All the celebrities that said they were gonna show up and showed up. There's a difference in celebrity. The people that show up and the people that don't show up. Cheers, everybody.

[Nori]

Are we running it? One chance.

[Tom Segura]

Holy. You're gonna be hammered during this run, bro.

[Bo Allen]

That's what I'm about to say.

[Unnamed Speaker]

Yeah, I'm drunk already.

[Bo Allen]

All right, here we go.

[Nori]

All right.

[Bo Allen]

That's why I gotta eat these pancakes.

[Tom Segura]

Pancakes. Let's get those pancakes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Let's go eat pancakes.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm hammered already.

[Nori]

I'm pretty.

[Tom Segura]

I'm good.

[Nori]

You was happy since I saw you earlier, sir.

[Bert Kreischer]

Buddy Reed.

[Tom Segura]

Get that DMT pen. All right.

[Nori]

We love you.

[Tom Segura]

We'll see you out there. Thank you, everybody.

[Bert Kreischer]

Thank you, guys.

[Bo Allen]

Thank you.

[Tom Segura]

Thank you.

[Unnamed Speaker]

Appreciate y' all.

[Nori]

Burt and Tom. Tom and Burt.

[Bert Kreischer]

One goes top swap, the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories, and Bert's the machine.

[Nori]

There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean.

[Jason Kelsey]

Here's what we call two bears, one cave sa.