Saturday Night Live Secrets & Norm Macdonald w/ Kevin Nealon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Saturday Night Live Secrets & Norm Macdonald w/ Kevin Nealon"

Title: Saturday Night Live Secrets & Norm Macdonald w/ Kevin Nealon
Podcast: 2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Host/Author: YMH Studios
Release Date: February 17, 2025
Guest: Kevin Nealon

---

1. Introduction and Guest Overview

The episode kicks off with Bert Kreischer setting a light-hearted tone, mentioning his friend Tom Segura's trip to Turkey for a hair transplant consultation. This segues into an introduction of the guest, Kevin Nealon, a seasoned comedian and former "Saturday Night Live" (SNL) cast member.

Notable Quote:

• Bert Kreischer [00:00]: "Tom is in Turkey getting a consultation. Hair transplants. Really?"

---

2. Health and Aging

Bert and Kevin delve into the challenges of aging, discussing various medical implants and health routines. Kevin shares his experiences with dental implants and joint replacements due to arthritis, emphasizing the importance of staying active.

Notable Quotes:

• Kevin Nealon [00:27]: "I have teeth implants to look younger. Molars in the back. Yeah."
• Bert Kreischer [32:26]: "I get IVs twice a week. It's undiagnosed, but we know it."

---

3. SNL Insights and Memories

A significant portion of the discussion revolves around SNL, with Kevin reminiscing about his nine-year tenure on the show. He shares anecdotes about beloved cast members like Dana Carvey and Jan Hooks, highlighting the camaraderie and creative synergy behind the scenes.

Notable Quotes:

• Kevin Nealon [04:15]: "Even if you're really talented, it's not [for everyone]. It may ruin your life, you know, it's just not a lifestyle some people are able to endure."
• Bert Kreischer [08:41]: "Jan Hooks is a part of my comedy history."

---

4. Comedic Styles and Inspirations

The conversation shifts to comedic styles, with Bert praising Kevin's dry and dark humor. They discuss the evolution of their comedic approaches, storytelling techniques, and the influence of mentors like Garry Shandling and Norm Macdonald.

Notable Quotes:

• Kevin Nealon [03:06]: "I am really dry. Dry and dark, though."
• Bert Kreischer [09:10]: "Subliminal... I saw you take a little moment to figure out how to pronounce that."

---

5. Personal Health Routines and Lifestyle

Bert opens up about his rigorous health regimen, including regular blood work and IV treatments, influenced by Tom Segura. Kevin reciprocates by discussing his own health practices, such as physicals and cardiovascular care, underscoring their mutual commitment to well-being despite indulgent lifestyles.

Notable Quotes:

• Bert Kreischer [32:30]: "I think there's a fine balance about not abusing your body."
• Kevin Nealon [34:16]: "I'm doing a interview with him."

---

6. Comedy Specials and Creative Process

Bert and Kevin exchange thoughts on creating comedy specials, the pressure of evolving their acts, and the importance of taking creative risks. Kevin shares his experience with memorial performances, blending humor with poignancy to honor fellow comedians like Gary Shandling and Norm Macdonald.

Notable Quotes:

• Kevin Nealon [55:05]: "I take chances I've never taken."
• Bert Kreischer [56:38]: "I saw an old news clip about Mary Antoinette... they made the wig fall off."

---

7. Reflections on Aging and Comedy

A reflective segment where both hosts consider the impact of aging on their careers and personal lives. They discuss maintaining relevance in comedy, staying physically active, and the fear of health deterioration influencing their commitment to fitness.

Notable Quotes:

• Kevin Nealon [72:46]: "I didn't have any of that. I have nothing wrong with my heart."
• Bert Kreischer [68:18]: "I want to stay ahead of it, but I think there's a fine balance."

---

8. Relationship with Fellow Comedians and Friendships

The episode highlights the deep-rooted friendships within the comedy community. Bert admires Kevin's understated demeanor and the strong bonds he maintains with legendary comedians, portraying a sense of brotherhood and mutual respect.

Notable Quotes:

• Bert Kreischer [98:28]: "Your friend group is the best friend group in comedy."
• Kevin Nealon [93:20]: "I like coming. I love comedians. We feel so comfortable together."

---

9. Upcoming Projects and Collaborations

Towards the end, both discuss their upcoming projects. Kevin mentions his involvement in multiple films and documentaries, while Bert promotes his latest works, including the documentary "Inhabitants" and his work on "Hiking with Kevin."

Notable Quotes:

• Bert Kreischer [82:55]: "Inhabitants comes out February 14th."
• Kevin Nealon [85:30]: "It's about getting through that. And it's really uplifting."

---

10. Closing Remarks

The duo wraps up the conversation on a humorous note, reflecting on their shared experiences and the enduring nature of their friendship. They emphasize the importance of humor in navigating life's challenges and express gratitude for their supportive networks.

Notable Quote:

• Bert Kreischer [99:33]: "It's what we call two bears, one cave."

---

Conclusion

This episode of "2 Bears, 1 Cave" offers an intimate glimpse into Kevin Nealon's life, his enduring relationship with SNL, and the intricate balance between humor and personal well-being. Bert Kreischer and Kevin Nealon engage in candid conversations, enriched with humor and heartfelt reflections, providing listeners with both laughs and meaningful insights into the world of comedy and friendship.

Transcript

[Bert Kreischer]

100% brand new episode of Two Bears One Cave. My buddy Tom is in Turkey getting a consultation. Hair transplants. Really? Yeah. It's a transition. We were just talking about this coming upstairs. I am at a. I'm getting older and I don't know if it's okay to try to do like, get hair transplants to look younger.

[Kevin Nealon]

Right. You know, I have teeth implants to look younger. Molars in the back. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hang on. You know, that's like a real thing.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. You know about that, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

When you start getting older, you start losing your molars.

[Kevin Nealon]

Everything's implanted when you get older. I have four joints that have been implanted in my body. Yeah, yeah. Arthritis.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you have arthritis?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're in shape. You do. You hike all the. My guest is Kevin Nealon. You're in shape. You're in shape. You do your hiking podcast.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, it's not really hiking, though. It's kind of more like strolling at this point.

[Bert Kreischer]

Conan. Conan wore a collared shirt.

[Kevin Nealon]

Some people, Bob Bobcat Goldthwaite showed up with a cup of coffee.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. And David Spade didn't want to hike any kind of an incline.

[Bert Kreischer]

David, he's got a bad back.

[Kevin Nealon]

I think it's a neck, but it doesn't matter. Yeah, that's his problem. It's not my problem. Not my problem.

[Bert Kreischer]

That was a really fascinating one you did with Spade. That was a while ago, right?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, that was a while ago. But, you know, we're walking along, he goes, are we going up a hill? It was like a 1% grade. Are we going up a hill?

[Bert Kreischer]

God, you've. You have the best group of friends. Like, your friend list is like wild.

[Kevin Nealon]

I don't even have a list.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I do. It's in this book. Oh, you. Everyone you've had interactions with is in this book.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, no, no. There's a lot of people missing from that book.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know, but like, when, like, like you're friends with Dana Carvey.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think that guy is so cool.

[Kevin Nealon]

He is cool. We've known each other a long time. We knew each other from the clubs, you know, like in San Francisco that are no longer there. And, you know, we were both single at the time and doing stand up and. Yeah, I've known him for a long time and we talk often.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Is it crazy? Like, you meet these dudes when you're young and you just have a dream and then you succeed and then you become grown men that still are in the business of just being silly?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, that's Right. I think kind of, in a way we never grow up because we just enjoy that, that kind of, you know, compartment so much. We like being in that compartment. And it doesn't, you know, when you see everybody else around you that's not, there you go. I don't want that.

[Bert Kreischer]

I can't imagine, like when I talk to my business manager and he tries to explain stuff, I just tune out. And I'm like, I know. Can you believe they do that for a living?

[Kevin Nealon]

I know.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, like, I, I, I'm shocked at all the jobs I couldn't have.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

What do you think made you a comedian? Because I have another question, a follow up question. What do you think made you the comedian that you are? You are maybe the king of tedpan.

[Kevin Nealon]

I am really dry. Dry and dark, though.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, buddy, when I was in, I was trying to do the math today and I couldn't do it quicker, quick enough. But subliminal, man, when I was a kid watching that, I saw you take.

[Kevin Nealon]

A little moment to figure out how to pronounce that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Subliminal.

[Kevin Nealon]

Subliminal. A lot of people have trouble with that.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm not a good talker.

[Kevin Nealon]

Subliminal. Do you know what it is sometimes when you get these job offers and you don't want to do it, but it's such a great offer, you have to do it, you know, because you would regret it the rest of your life. It was the same with me when, you know, like with the Tonight Show a long time ago with Johnny Carson, it's all you wanted to do as a standup is get on that talk show. And then they say, okay, you're going to do it. And you go, oh, no, oh no. And then your name was like out there, you're doing it. And they, now I got to do it. They were advertising it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

And then you do it and you know, it's crazy. And then you go on with your life thinking, I did it. I don't have any regrets.

[Bert Kreischer]

I, I, sometimes I had a, I've had a couple buddies now host snl and we were watching on my bus, watching one of them do it, and everyone's like, bert, would you do that? My instinct is to say, yes, obviously.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, you'd be great.

[Bert Kreischer]

But the second I hosted it, I'd regret it. I'd regret accepting it. Because all that pressure, I do not want.

[Kevin Nealon]

But you're used to pressure as a comic. Any comic is used. I hear a lot of people say, I, I could never survive snl. I Couldn't. I'm too fragile. And it's not for everybody. Even if you're really talented, it's not. It may ruin your life, you know, it's just not a lifestyle some people are able to endure. I was able to do it because I thought it'd be fired like within a week. I thought, well, I won't be here that much longer.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're the longest one that ever.

[Kevin Nealon]

At the time, I was like nine years. But now people like Daryl Hammond and some of these other people have been there. Horatio sand, they've been there for like 20 years or whatever, you know, I.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is the running offer I've put out there a number of times. And if Lauren ever sees this, this is the offer. I will put everything on hold, my entire career.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, yeah?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Everything, including the TV show I'm about to start shooting. Put everything on hold to be a cast member for what? The lowest pay for one season.

[Kevin Nealon]

They're all. The lowest pay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it's like, it's like how much they make you sign a deal where they're like, yo, it's 700 bucks a week.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And you signed the deal even before you auditioned.

[Kevin Nealon]

I know, dude, I. I was at the time. I don't know what I was, man. I don't remember, but it was like rock bottom. It was maybe, I can't even say 4,000 a show. Maybe.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow.

[Kevin Nealon]

And Lorne Michaels says, spend all your money on an apartment because that's where you're going to go to rest. And that was. It took all your money to. To live comfortably in New York. And I had a studio apartment the first couple of years by Central Park. It was nice, but, you know, I was hardly ever there because I was always at the studio. And then after that I thought, you know, I'm going to pace myself. I'm not going to be working that hard. You know, it's not a. It's not a sprint, it's a marathon. Plus, I was like, I was a stand up. I never did a character in my life or a sketch really. And I just went and had to learn all that stuff. And, you know, I was hired as a writer the first year and as a feature player, they guaranteed me seven shows, but I was on every show and I mostly write for myself, you know. And so, yeah, it's not a lot of money, but yeah, you would do it for $700 a show just to be on that, just.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just to experience it.

[Kevin Nealon]

Experience it.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, the shorthand you guys all have that have Done it that, like, I heard someone talking to J.B. smooth about that. He would pitch the same idea over and over again every week just because it was. Make the room laugh. Like, I just think that's. I think it's a cool comedy experience.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. I mean, I did the same thing, because you don't want to have the wind taken out of your sails by pitching, you know, an idea that you really believe in, and nobody laughs. And the host goes, you know. So I would pitch the same sketch, and everybody knew it. It was a runaway truck, you know, Lane. You know how going down the hill, if the truck's brakes fails, they go down this little gravel, long driveway. And then I put, like, a bar at the end of that. So they would each come in to the bar really frazzled, you know, and I would be the. The host would be the bartender.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

And that's all I had on that. And I would say the rest writes itself. Laugh, you know.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's great.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Who's your favorite. Who's your favorite host that you have?

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, you know, but I got to tell you, there's so many great hosts on it. I was like, in heaven. You would be in heaven, too. You get your. Like, I had these bands, like, I listened to growing up. My idols, you know, like Mick Jagger, James Taylor, Eric Clapton, all these guys. Paul Simon. I'm like, oh, my God, I just want to stay here as long as I can.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

And the hosts. Steve Martin at the time. And. Yeah. I mean, there's so many. Dolly Parton. Robert Mitchum hosted. Charlton Heston hosted once.

[Bert Kreischer]

Charlton Heston, Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. This is back in the 1900s. Yeah. Way back then. So. And. And, you know, we have the 50th coming up soon, and I'm. Everybody's really excited about that.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's kind of cool because, like, there's probably people on SNL that maybe are only on two seasons, the 50th, and they're like, yeah, maybe they don't feel.

[Kevin Nealon]

Part of the family or six weeks. I think Ben Stiller was on for maybe six shows.

[Bert Kreischer]

For real.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I remember when SNL switched over, and it was. It was the new Lauren left.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And the other guy was running it, and it was like, Robert Downey Jr. And like that.

[Kevin Nealon]

Anthony Michael Hall.

[Bert Kreischer]

Anthony Michael Hall.

[Kevin Nealon]

Julia Louise Dreyfus, though. I mean, they're all good.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. They're both amazingly talented, obviously, but, like.

[Kevin Nealon]

You need that synergy between the writers and the cast, and also they need that synergy between each cast member. When I came on. I was friends with Dana Carvey. He recommended me for the show. I had an audition, but. And I was dating Jan Hooks at the time. We had been friends for, like, six years. Probably the most underrated cast member on that show ever. I mean, she's so talented. So talented, gorgeous, and, and that crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Gen hooks is a part, like, part of my comedy history. Like, Jan Hooks, really? Yeah. We have, of course, because, like, that you're, you guys were my snl. I mean, Farley and Spade were. I was a little in, like, almost in college then.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. If you're in high school, that's when your favorite cast is. When you're in high school.

[Bert Kreischer]

You guys, you guys. Dana Carvey is like, when I first met him, I, I kind of lost my shit. Like, the church lady was like, I mean, it was like, it was like, we do impressions of that in eighth grade.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, subliminal, man, you know, I, I, I want to ask a question, because you are.

[Kevin Nealon]

That rolled off your lips, your tongue really well that time. I'm doing better. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

There are comedy jokes and comedy sketches that live rent free in my mind that I think of all the time, without a doubt. Number one for me is. So I figured, when's the next time I'm going to be in Haiti? Why wear a condom? The Bad Idea Jeans.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, the Bad Idea Jeans.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's like those, like those things. What, what jokes live free in your mind. Like whether it's a comedian's joke or like a sketch you saw or just a bit you saw.

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, I just saw something recently. It was, it was a, it was a sketch from a British comic who had a talk show at the time. And I can't remember what his name was. I think it was Dave Allen or something. And it was so funny because it was like one of those old British, you know, short films. And, and here's this guy walking down the street and he sees like, you know, Dollar Bill or whatever it is in England under the tire of a car. He tries to get it out. He can't get it out. He's trying all different ways. He's rocking the car, he's trying to get out with his foot, you know, can't get it out. So he decides that he'll go across the street. The cafe. He goes into the cafe, a lot of people in there, and he has a cup of tea. And then he sees the guy coming back to his car. And the guy pulls away. As he pulls away, everybody in that cafe went running out to get that dollar, they're all waiting in there for the dollar, for the dollar bill. But that one, just recently I saw that one. One of the jokes that really stands out in my my head is one by Gary Shandling. He said, you know, sometimes when I feel lonely I will shave one of my legs so it feels like I'm sleeping with a woman.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's great.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

It can feel like there's not enough hours in the day to do everything you need to get done. But with Tonal you can ensure you're checking off workout on your to do list every day with the convenience of having an at home gym. 247 Tonal is the smartest workout that effortlessly fits into the busiest of lifestyles. And with the latest iteration Tonal2 you can ensure your workout is more tailored and more effective than you could ever imagine. Tonal adjusts in 1 pound increments with adaptive weight that now goes up to 250 pounds, challenging even the most advanced users to push their limits. Plus the new built in Smart view leverages a high resolution camera that lets you see yourself during your workout, analyze your movement and provide real time coaching just like a personal trainer. This thing is awesome. I have one and here's what's great. It tests your strength the first day you do it and then it forces you to grow at a pace they know you can grow at. Let me tell you something. I just benched £325 at the super bowl and I'm telling you the bench on Tonal would gas me out every time. Right now Tonal is offering our listeners $200 off your Tonal purchase with promo code BEARS. That's Tonal.com and use promo code BEARS for $200 off your purchase. That's Tonal.com promo code BEARS for $200 OFF. When you think about businesses that are selling through the roof like Alo man. Alo alo. I see that on everyone these days. Everyone's got or all birds or dudes skims. I'm sure you think about a great product of course and cool branding, a brilliant marketing scheme. But often the overlooked secret is actually the businesses behind the business making selling and for shoppers buying simpler. For millions of businesses, that business is Shopify. Nobody sells better than than Shopify. Home of the number one checkout on the planet. And the not so secret secret with shop pay that boosts conversions up to 50%. Meaning way less carts going abandoned and way more sales going up. I'm telling you right now, an abandoned shopping cart is the saddest thing in the world and I have left many abandoned but not on Shopify. Here's the deal. If you're into growing your business, your commerce platform better be ready to sell wherever your customers are scrolling or strolling on the web, in your store, in their feed, everywhere in between. Businesses that sell more sell on Shopify. Telling you right now we've been using Shopify for as long as I can remember Shopify being around and we sell like crazy. I just saw that we're selling the the Shirts vs Skins shirts are on sale right now. Shopify is next level. Upgrade your business and get the same checkout BBP uses. Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at shopify.com bears all lowercase go to shopify.com bears to upgrade your selling today shopify.com bears I don't know.

[C]

About you, but I like keeping my money where I can actually see it. Unfortunately, traditional big wireless carriers also seem to like keeping my money too. After years of overpaying for wireless, I finally got fed up from crazy high wireless fees, bogus bills and free perks that actually cost more in the long run and switched to to Mint Mobile. And here's what you find when you switch to Mint Mobile. You get the same wireless service that you're used to getting and you save huge, huge money from doing so. Say bye bye to your unexpected overpriced wireless, jaw dropping monthly bills and unexpected charges. And Mint Mobile is here to rescue you with a premium wireless plan starting at just 15 bucks a month. All plans come with high speed data, unlimited talking tech delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. If you like money, Mint Mobile is for you. Shop [e-mail] bears that's mintmobile.com bears upfront payment of $45 for three months five gigabyte plan required equivalent to $15 a month new customer offer for first three months only. Then full price plan options available, taxes and fees, extra C Mint Mobile per.

[Kevin Nealon]

Details and then there's a lot of sketches that when I was in SNL that I loved that I didn't even write like El. I think it's called El Cantaro. It's a Italian restaurant and I come in there on a date with Kirstie Alley. Oh no, she's my wife and everybody's in there, Sandler's in there, Dana Lovitz, Rob Schneider, and they're all like these pretending to be real Italian waiters or maybe they're supposed to be Italian waiters and they're just kissing her, and, you know, no, this is what they do, honey. This is. No. And by the end of the thing, Dana's like, dry humping Victoria on the table, and, you know, they're lifting her shirt up, and he goes, this is what they do. I said, no, we're out of here. And as we're walking away, Sandra comes out of the kitchen with just a Speedo on, and they're all licking the window watching us go away. That makes me laugh so every time I see him.

[Bert Kreischer]

You had. So. You had so many great cast members you worked with.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, they were great.

[Bert Kreischer]

You worked with. You, I think you worked with. And, I mean, I don't want to misspeak, but probably the All Stars, because you were probably in two seasons, right? Two. Two different generations.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. I mean, it started blending after a while.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know, I think what happens is, you know, in a certain cast, Lauren kind of squeeze you dry, and then you kind of. You know, it's like a car without oil. You know, you've used up all the oil. So he starts bringing new cast members to pump it up a little bit. So, you know, Spade would come in, and then Tim Meadows, Chris Farley, Mike Myers, and, you know, Sarah Silverman was even there for a little bit. And. Yeah. So. But our original cast, we were really, really tight and kind of knew each other so well, and it was exciting because it wasn't like 20 or 30 people on the cast, which there is now, I think. I don't. Yeah, it's just. It was funny. You know, what's funny is, you know, everybody's trying to please Lauren. You know, you're trying to, like, I wonder if Lauren would like this even in your regular life. And it never goes away. Like, I was buying milk the other day. I said, I wonder if Lauren would like me getting the way I got this out of the counter, out of the. You know, the cooler, because I kind of pulled it out straight. Maybe I should have taken more time with it.

[Bert Kreischer]

There is. There is a weird thing that's broken in comics, I think, where we do look for approval.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

From. From someone. And I mean, for. I mean, when I first got in, I was looking for approval from my manager, and I was like, yeah, I knew I needed approval from something. Like, just know that I'm going in the right direction.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, but that was after you got into it. But why did you get into it originally? I mean, did you want to. For me, I think it was a girl in high school that I really wanted to have her take notice of me.

[Bert Kreischer]

I. You know, I'm talking about this in therapy right now, but I think. I think there's a part of me that needs people to be happy around me.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I want everyone to be comfortable. Yeah. Like, I've. I've. I think I heard you talk about this on Bill Maher, but you. You're funny. To make sure everyone was having a good time or make sure everyone was comfortable.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. I connect with that man. I just. I'm uncomfortable when people aren't. When they're not happy or when they're uncomfortable.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh.

[Kevin Nealon]

And. And it's, you know, it's something I should be in therapy for, but it took me a long time to say no to people.

[Bert Kreischer]

I can't say no.

[Kevin Nealon]

I know. That's why I'm here.

[Bert Kreischer]

I can't say no. I'm, like, so bad at no.

[Kevin Nealon]

I've had several wives that said, you got to learn how to say no. But I have learned to say it, but not always. And I'm not the best at saying it. Like, I asked Larry David once if he would go on a hike with me, do my hiking show, which I really. When you get time, I'd love to have you. But I texted him, and he texted me back, like, a day later, and all he said was, no, I don't want to do it. That's all he had to say.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's cr. I will lie to people and put myself in a bad situation. I was just doing this downstairs. You heard me doing it. I have a podcast at 12:30. I have another podcast at 3:30 on this one day. And then a guy said, can we meet at 1? And I went, yes, knowing I cannot meet him at 1. I can't. There's no way I can meet him at one. And I. And it's not gonna work on my thing, but I don't. But he's the most important thing, and I don't want to let him down, but I don't want to let my friends down. So put myself in bad situations, and.

[Kevin Nealon]

Now that affects everybody else that's close to you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And now. And then I just was down there going, can someone just fix this?

[Kevin Nealon]

Can I give you three words, please? Shame on you. And then you. Horrible. You feel horrible when you hurt somebody. And then, like my son, especially, I collapse when he starts crying. Because he never. He was very sensitive when he was younger, and we were playing basketball once, and I was kind of teasing him, and he knew somebody at the tennis courts nearby, and I didn't even think about that. And, you know, it's so important to impress your peers and stuff. And I guess he thought the kid could hear it and he got under the basketball rim and he just. Just started crying. I felt. I still feel horrible to this day. That was like, I don't know, eight years ago.

[Bert Kreischer]

God, isn't it crazy?

[Kevin Nealon]

I wonder what Lauren would think of me making him cry like that.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know. I wonder what Joe Rogan would think. That's our Lauren, in a weird way, but Joe is. Joe for us, was like a big brother, you know, like, he. He kind of. I mean, for lack of better terms, he kind of showed us the direction to do a career.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know, we always have a mentor. I don't. You know, for me, it was Garry Shandling. And then, you know, you asked me why I got into stand up too. Later on is I had. I loved stand up. I would watch everybody on TV that was doing stand up at the time. And I loved Albert Brooks. I loved Kaufman.

[Bert Kreischer]

I loved his brother.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, yeah. Bob Einstein.

[Bert Kreischer]

Super. Super Dave still works.

[Kevin Nealon]

And he. So he's so dark and wrong, you know, I would be on the phone with him driving somewhere. Where are you going? So I'm going to the Comedy Store. What? Why would you go there? You know, and then he'd talk about, you know, or something. You know, it gets so, like. You know, it's just. It was so wrong in so many ways. But you laugh. You can't help laughing.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, he's that. Still, to this day, that works. And I. I wonder, like, I'm. I wonder what is happening with comedy. Because so many people got into comedy. Because for. I think it's a easier path nowadays than it was when you started. When you started, it was like, almost like joining the circus.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, it was a real novelty thing. Most people have never been to a comedy club. You know, they. They. And then it took a while. Now audiences know what to do. They're comfortable. But before it was like, oh, how does he do that?

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, people would be like, I'm not going to a comedy club. You think I'm gonna laugh?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then you. I remember going to my first comedy club and laughing and going, how did he do that?

[Kevin Nealon]

I know.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's crazy.

[Kevin Nealon]

And then you go back again. You go, oh, I see. It's an act.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. But, you know, I bet you nowadays it's like everybody in that audience, they've probably tried doing standup comedy at least once, or they wanna do it yeah. Or they are comics.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think everyone. I mean, I have a skewed view, but I think there's a lot of. I have a lot of people tell me, you know, I've done comedy, or I would like to do comedy, or, you know, hey, let me give you a joke. I think the. But back when you started. Back when I started, it was a really. It was like coming out to my dad as gay. He was like, you want to do what?

[Kevin Nealon]

Were you in college? Is that when you first started doing it?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I did it one time. I was written up in Rolling Stone magazine as the number one party animal in the country.

[Kevin Nealon]

And I get that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And then. And then I said in that article I wanted to try doing stand up. And so they put on a show, and I did one. I closed the show. I did 20 minutes at the end of the night. Never would I do that now. But, like, then I just didn't know. And it was just so. It's interesting because it's. The question I had about you is, like, my style that night is my style today. It's very stream of conscious, very much storytelling.

[Kevin Nealon]

Stream of conscious.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Stream of conscious.

[Kevin Nealon]

In the moment.

[Bert Kreischer]

In the moment and storytelling. And I.

[Kevin Nealon]

And I. I love your story about the airplane. Which one? With kids. You were flying somewhere with your wife, I guess it was. And there was a guy bothering you. I can't remember exactly what it was, but I remember laughing so hard because I fly a lot and I could relate.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, but I was wondering. I was like, I wonder if. Because I remember my style got gifted to me by my friends. Meaning for our currency was to be able to recount the evening or recount the day in the best way. And I don't know if that's a Florida thing. Like, I don't know if that was just where I grew up. But, like, Cuban kids could always tell a good story. And, like. And, man, I would practice my story in ninth grade. Walk into the lunchroom, like, here we go. The dog comes out.

[Kevin Nealon]

Get your manager with you.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I was like, the dog jumps in the car. And the dog didn't jump in the car, but it made it real.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then they. And then I know Ty's gonna say, but the dog didn't jump in the car. Go, bitch. You weren't even there, like. And so. But I was like, I wonder if you got your style from your time you spent in Germany. Like, me making friends. Because it is you. Your style is. I don't even Know when you're not being funny, like, sometimes you'll tell me something serious.

[Kevin Nealon]

And I go, I know that face a lot because I see that face a lot. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And it's so seamless.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's like downstairs, I go, are you, Sarah, making your coffee? Like, I hope so. I've been waiting for a while. I mean, just, like, very casually. You're casually. So funny.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. Yeah. Not professionally, though. You know, for me. You talk about Florida, and you remember the first time you. You were. Got some success on stage. The first time I found myself performing was accidentally. I wasn't even trying to. I was in Daytona beach, like, you know, on spring break. And back then, it was a time when they. You could go into these places, and they would take a picture of your face and then they put on a T shirt. It was huge back then. People loved it. So we're walking around Daytona, and I see this store. It's got a big, you know, picture window in the front, so you can see inside people sitting on the chairs, almost like a barber shop. And they have screens in front of each chair, you know, taking pictures. And I sat in the chair next to the window. Nobody else was in the place. And I'm, like, making faces, like, to the camera, you know, like that. Let's do that for, like, I don't know, a couple minutes. And then I happen to look out, and there's a whole crowd of people that are watching and having a good time. You know, it's like. And then I got scared. But that was really the first time I entertained. Another time like that, it wasn't doing standup, but I was doing karaoke.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

And I was singing Are youe Lonesome Tonight? That's my go to karaoke song.

[Bert Kreischer]

What's yours? I have a couple. Sister Christian and Creed. Sister Christian. And then one time I did There's a song down with the Sickness by the Disturbed. And I pulled my phone out, and I was like, guys, my girlfriend's in the hospital. It's not looking good. So I just want to sing her. This is a song to pump. And I put the phone. I was like, baby, are you there? I was like, you there? Okay, here we go. And then I sang down with the Sickness. And everyone's like, oh, but those. That was back when. Before I was doing a lot of comedy. But, yeah, Creed. Yeah. And Sister Christian is the ultimate stripper song.

[Kevin Nealon]

Keep going.

[Bert Kreischer]

You were saying.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, my. My girlfriend's in the hospital. It's not looking good because she thinks the doctor's hot.

[Bert Kreischer]

We all take supplements or at least we know we should. But why are so many supplement companies charging ridiculous prices for products that really aren't that special? It's frustrating and frankly unacceptable. That's why I want to introduce you my friends over at LiveGood, a brand that is turning the supplement industry on its head. This is their creatine and it is awesome. I take it every day. Livegood believes that everyone deserves access to high quality supplements without the insane markups. They offer premium products formulated by an industry leading team of natural health experts and they cut out the middleman that is the brilliance of this. To sell them to us at the lowest prices you are going to find anywhere. You got to understand these companies like LiveGood, like all the companies we work with, they've cut out the middleman. That means you are not getting the insane markups by the companies that are putting them on the shelves. There is no shelf, it's simply from warehouse to your front door. They've got these sleep patches right here that I swear by. These are awesome. You put one on and I'm telling you, you are out like a light. They also have organic greens, multivitamins, collagen, weight loss products, protein powders, creatine. That's the one I use, which is awesome. Detox hormone products, skin care products and all at the highest quality. Products all at prices that people can actually afford. Ready to make a switch and start saving will make it even easier for you. Use our link and you can save an additional 10% off your first order on top of all the already lowest prices. Just go to livegood.com bears to save 10% on your first order. That's livegood.com bears. Do not miss out on this opportunity to invest in your health without overspending.

[C]

Life in general can be chaotic, but if you're in charge of order fulfillment for an e commerce business, you know that it's a special kind of chaos. But with Shipstation you can count on your day to day remaining calm. Save hours and money every month by shipping from all your stores with one login, automating repetitive tasks and finding the best rates among all global carriers. You can focus on other parts of your business because you never have to worry about shipping and fulfilling. With Shipstation, this is what I love. It's all in one place. You see everything, you have all your orders, all the fulfillment, which carrier is taking it out to which customer. It's brilliant. With Shipstation you never need to upgrade. Shipstation grows with your business no matter how big it gets. It's the fastest, most affordable way to ship products to your customers with discounts up to 88% off UPS, DHL Express and USPS rates and up to 90% off FedEx rates. Deliver a better customer experience with industry leading scalable features that help ensure accuracy. Get shipments out the door faster and keep customers happy with automated tracking updates with your company's branding. Calm the chaos of fulfillment with the shipping software that delivers. Switch to ShipStation today go to shipstation.com use the code CAVE to sign up for your free trial. That's shipstation.com and the code word is cave.

[Kevin Nealon]

C A V E. Yeah, so I'm doing my karaoke song. I'm looking at the, the lyrics on the thing and I look up and there's like four couples dancing to it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Kevin Nealon]

I, I started laughing so hard. I thought these people are desperate. But, but yeah, I've always loved doing stand up. It's all I ever really wanted to do, Bert. And then this acting stuff came along and you know, okay, but standup is I. That's all he want to do. And here, you know, here I am all these years later still doing it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Isn't it crazy? Because I, I didn't know there was you could do other things. Like I thought I was like, you just, I didn't even know you didn't.

[Kevin Nealon]

Know you could do other things.

[Bert Kreischer]

I didn't know I could do anything I wanted. The first time I did stand up, it just felt, felt so natural to me that I was like, oh, this is so. I'm getting rewarded for the thing that my, my dad bothered. My dad.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like I would say things to my dad like at dinner with friends and I was a kid and my dad would just go, what the fuck is wrong with you? I remember one time going, some, one of his friends goes, what did he.

[Kevin Nealon]

Do for a living?

[Bert Kreischer]

First of all, he's a lawyer. He still is. Oh, he's a lawyer. He's very proud of me now. But I think understanding me, understanding me was tough for him.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because I just was very different than him.

[Kevin Nealon]

Hey, Bert, we're looking at a house in Encino. Do you think maybe you could kind of foot us a little money?

[Bert Kreischer]

You know it's in Valley Village.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yes, it's in that water with all the kids, you know. So. So your dad was kind of tough on you growing up, wasn't.

[Bert Kreischer]

I wouldn't say tough. My dad.

[Kevin Nealon]

So you hated your dad? Is that what you're saying?

[Bert Kreischer]

I was looking for his approval constantly oh, yeah. But my natural behavior, it was like I was. I was like a dog who thought everyone loved it when I pissed on the couch. My dad's like, why won't you stop pissing on the couch? And then one day, you get paid for pissing on the couch. You're like, everyone likes it now.

[Kevin Nealon]

But was it hard to keep up with that because you had to drink a lot, right? Or is that not.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, no. I stay very hydrated.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I knew a comic, you know, way back when, because I started a long time ago. His name was Ollie Joe Prater.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know him.

[Kevin Nealon]

Do you know of him?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, yeah. He'd have the cowboy hat. He was like, you know, short guy, kind of stocky. And he go on stage, he just drinks so much. And eventually he died.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

From there he is. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think he'd go on stage and have a beer in his jacket.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, he had it just. And people would send him up, beers and shots. I remember I had to pick him up once we drove up Visalia to do a gig.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

And he picked him up from a hotel that was right on Sunset, not far from the Whiskey Agoa. And he. He just stunk of liquor, although. And he pretty much slept all the way. He was hung over. And then I had to drive him back again. But it doesn't surprise me that he didn't last that long.

[Bert Kreischer]

No. Yeah. I think. You know, I'm trying to figure out what the. Because I get my blood work done pretty every six months.

[Kevin Nealon]

Transfusions or just.

[Bert Kreischer]

I do. I get IVs twice a week. For real?

[Kevin Nealon]

Do you Really?

[Bert Kreischer]

I get two IVs twice a week. It's undiagnosed, but we know it.

[Kevin Nealon]

Just in case.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just in case. Just in case I get the AIDS? The. No, I get IVs. I just got one yesterday.

[Kevin Nealon]

What for?

[Bert Kreischer]

To keep healthy.

[Kevin Nealon]

It was like B12 or something.

[Bert Kreischer]

I get everything. I get a Hulk bag full, and then I get glutathione. I get nad shot.

[Kevin Nealon]

Are you serious?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah. I'm really.

[Kevin Nealon]

You're like Keith Richards.

[Bert Kreischer]

I. I am. You know, I have a friend. I won't say his name. I have a friend.

[Kevin Nealon]

I know you're talking about. It's Tom Segura. Tom Cigar, isn't it? That's your friend?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, his. He's. He was the one that got me on IVs. He takes. Gets IVs all the time.

[Kevin Nealon]

You go somewhere to get that?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, they come to me.

[Kevin Nealon]

They come.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow. I got a nurse that comes to me.

[Kevin Nealon]

No way. You're like Michael Jackson.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

You ever do the profile?

[Bert Kreischer]

I would love. I would love the closest I ever got. One time. They give you Leanne knows what. What it's called, but they can give you, like a. Like, what's one of the antihistamines that puts you to sleep?

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, oh, well, I know there's Nyquil and there's. Oh, there's a Sudafed.

[Bert Kreischer]

So. Yeah, like a Sudafed. They give you a pumped up Sudafed. And I was. I was getting sick, and he gave me an IV in my bed, and I fell asleep, and in the IV and he pulled it out and I slept the whole night. Slept so good.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, my God, I would love propanol.

[Bert Kreischer]

I would love it.

[Kevin Nealon]

So you're doing this to try to stay healthy?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Are you doing anything else in your life to try to stay healthy?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, I'm a trainer. I work out every day. I just benched £300.

[Kevin Nealon]

You look like you've kind of slimmed down a little bit.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, I'm on testosterone. I have, like, a wellness doctor. I have a cardiologist. I'm, like, super nervous about death, so I do everything to try.

[Kevin Nealon]

Do you still drink a lot?

[Bert Kreischer]

A lot.

[Kevin Nealon]

You're not that nervous about death.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, you know what? Okay. I wake up in the morning and I go. I go, that's it. I'm changing my life. I'm changing my life. I'm gonna start being healthy. And then I. And I get to the gym, I work out, and then as soon as I'm done working out, like, went to this morning, it was like, right when I got out of the salon, I was like, I could drink tonight. You know, it's one night. What are we gonna do? What, are we gonna quit everything? We got an iv, we worked out, we saw him, we polar plunged, we feel good.

[Kevin Nealon]

Have you ever had any heart issues?

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Kevin Nealon]

My wife was gonna go get me a defibrillator because she loves me so much, she doesn't want to lose me. And I have nothing wrong with my heart.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

And then she started to price him, and then she thought, well, maybe it's not worth it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you go to the doctor?

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I go once a year for physical, and then I go to a cardiologist, like, every six months or so, and. And I go to Witch Doctor, which is my favorite, and I wish I.

[Bert Kreischer]

Could remember that song.

[Kevin Nealon]

Which one?

[Bert Kreischer]

I went to the witch doctor, and this is what he said. Boom, boom. No no one in this room will know that song.

[Kevin Nealon]

No, they won't. That's it.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's it. Wow. That's crazy. I was wrong.

[Kevin Nealon]

They hear you singing it all the time.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, but now.

[Kevin Nealon]

So this is one thing I wanted to know when I saw you losing weight. I'm sure everybody says this to you, but, you know, your belly is kind of your brand and stuff. What's going to happen?

[Bert Kreischer]

I. Sadly, I'm not going to be able to get Joe Pesi or not Joe Pesci. Joe Piscopo. Ripped.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, I've tried. This is when I was younger. Are you kidding me?

[Kevin Nealon]

That's you on the right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Are you serious?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, dude.

[Kevin Nealon]

You let yourself go. You really did, man. How old were you then?

[Bert Kreischer]

That was. I was right when I met Leanne, I was 20. No, I was 20.

[Kevin Nealon]

You fooled her. Oh, you fold her big time.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, you should have seen her. The. Oh, no. I've lost weight. I've lost, like, £50, but I still have a belly. And I stand and I'm.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's what you got to keep.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, but I. I also. I would. I mean, I remember when Joe Piscopo lost. Like, got really obsessed with his body.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. Carrot Top, too.

[Bert Kreischer]

I remember when Carrot Top did it. I don't know. I don't know.

[Kevin Nealon]

And John Lovitz. What? So do you ever have any desire to go back to that?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I don't think I ever could. I think I was like £190 then.

[Kevin Nealon]

At six foot six.

[Bert Kreischer]

Six, one. Yeah. And so. But I. Right now, I'm about 240. If I got to 220, I'd still be morbidly obese, technically, but I don't. But I feel better. I feel better. Like, getting out of a bed are the things I care about.

[Kevin Nealon]

Tell me. Tell me your expression on your face when you're getting out of bed in the morning. I'll tell you mine. I'll show you mine.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. Roll over it.

[Kevin Nealon]

Same as sex. Yeah, Same express.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm going to roll over it.

[Kevin Nealon]

Mine is like this. Last year, I've had a. A tight lower back. So I get out of bed, I go, ah, God damn it. You know, I just kind of walk like this to the bathroom, and after an hour or so, it straightens out, but. And you know, you're supposed to do stretches every day. And I say, I'm going to do these every day. And then, like, the next day, as simple as they are, it's like leaning against the wall, you know, working on Your quads a little bit and tighten your butt. I don't want to. I don't feel like doing it for three minutes, you know, two minutes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Stretchy.

[Kevin Nealon]

Once you start, though, it's good.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I went to a yoga class one time, and I opened up my hips and I felt phenomenal all day. But the idea of doing that every day just makes me crazy.

[Kevin Nealon]

And your diet's good? You like sweets?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, you don't?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I. My, my. The thing I try to eliminate the most is bread.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's the worst.

[Bert Kreischer]

I. I've stayed away from pasta. I've stayed away from. I've stayed away from rice almost entirely.

[Kevin Nealon]

How far away are you staying from it?

[Bert Kreischer]

Arm's distance.

[Kevin Nealon]

Arms.

[Bert Kreischer]

Arm's distance. Definitely arms distance. If I get closer to arms distance, it's in my mouth.

[Kevin Nealon]

Straw distance.

[Bert Kreischer]

The straw.

[Kevin Nealon]

This is. Oh, man. Yeah, it's all hard to do, but you look good.

[Bert Kreischer]

Focus on your diet.

[Kevin Nealon]

I was just telling somebody the other day, I said, this is a lifelong struggle. You always want to get down another five. And then you get down there, then you go back up and, you know, you start thinking, can you just sit down and look at a meal and go, oh, that's too much. That's too much. You know, and just enjoy it?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

But I see a lot of people my age. That's what they're doing. And they look really bad. You know, they're not healthy. Look.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no. I wish I could be like my wife. My wife will make one piece of toast, one egg, one piece of bacon, and a little side of fruit, and she won't finish it. Yeah, I don't have that. Like you said one time, I remember hearing you say I said something. We had three interactions before you knew who I was. And the first one, Are they all.

[Kevin Nealon]

Any unpleasant ones?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, they're all awesome. They're all awesome. I wore a bracelet today because of you, because the second time I met you, you had, like, a cool bracelet on. I was like, yeah, I gotta wear a bracelet. And I was like, oh, I bet he wears a bracelet today. He didn't.

[Kevin Nealon]

I like your Lorne Michaels.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah. No, but you are kind of like approval from an older comic as a young. It never goes away. You always want a comic that's been doing it longer than you to go, dude, I like what you're doing. I like this thing. Anything that'll always. That never goes away for me. But I think it's also the reason I do comedy.

[Kevin Nealon]

Here's what I get a really pretty young girl coming up to me, oh, my God, my parents love you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can I tell you, I get that a lot too. I get young girls will go, you, My dad loves you.

[Kevin Nealon]

You look like my dad. Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes. My dad is the biggest fan.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

No one ever says, like, dude, I'm your biggest fan. It's like, my boyfriend. It's always a girl going, my boyfriend, or my dad loves you. My uncle is just like you. Yeah, but the first time we ever met, I had. I had a penis on my head. Do I ever.

[Kevin Nealon]

Did I tell you that was you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you remember that? Do you remember that?

[Kevin Nealon]

I don't remember.

[Bert Kreischer]

We did a TV show and they put a head. And we were doing ejaculation stories. Well, I was on the show, and I. The only.

[Kevin Nealon]

Was my penis sizable?

[Bert Kreischer]

The only reason I put the penis on my head is because they said you were going to do it. And then you came in and I was like, hey, are you gonna get the penis on your head? And you went, no. And we sat there and you did the sketch without the penis.

[Kevin Nealon]

First time I said no in my life.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Like, no. And I was like, oh, my God. You could say, no, there's gotta be a picture of me as a penis. I know that I have the tapes, but I remember doing the whole thing, and I would. My joke was, yeah, I took a sip, and you said something about premature ejaculation. And I spit it out. And I was like, I have that problem.

[Kevin Nealon]

You need the penis hat for that.

[Bert Kreischer]

You did. I think it.

[Kevin Nealon]

What was the other time we met?

[Bert Kreischer]

We're doing something for the improv. That's when you wore a bracelet.

[Kevin Nealon]

I keep thinking you say braces. No, that's when you had the braces on.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, no, you had a bracelet on. And don't Google. I don't need to seem penis hurt. Yeah, but no, that was, you know.

[Kevin Nealon]

I think, you know, if you're, you're in this business, as long as I am doing stand up, it'll get to a point where, you know, you have young audiences now, but as you age, your audiences will age. And, And I remember, I look through the curtain and I see my audience, and they're all old people. Gray hair, bald, fat. No offense, no digging. Tom's not here. And I'll look through the curtain. I'll go, ah, God damn it, man. Old people coming to see me. And then I remember I'm older than they are.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I, I, I think you want that as a comic. You want your Audience to age with you and stay with you.

[Kevin Nealon]

Stay with you. But a lot of times they start dying.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's why we're doing the two bears 5k.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, are you?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, we do it.

[Kevin Nealon]

Two more people to die.

[Bert Kreischer]

Nope. No, we're trying to keep them alive.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, geez.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, we sent up a five cakes. We were talking, and we're like, yo, our fans look like us. And if we. We need to get in shape, and then we all need to get in shape so that they can keep coming. Like, if they all die, then before us, then we can't do standup anymore.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's right.

[Bert Kreischer]

So we're. Yeah, we're trying to inspire people to get in shape. Jelly rolls lost £130.

[Kevin Nealon]

Really?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Jelly Roll looks. I mean, I saw a video of him put it in Jelly Roll before and after. He looks so globally different than he did. That's not. Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know who else lost a lot of it was Tom Wilson. No, who? Another comic. What's his name? He was on a TV show with. What's. What's the name of that.

[Bert Kreischer]

What's that flower with the thorns in it?

[Kevin Nealon]

What's that flower? The thorns in it?

[Bert Kreischer]

Rose.

[Kevin Nealon]

Rose. What was the name of that comic? That.

[Bert Kreischer]

Billy Gardell. Yes.

[Kevin Nealon]

Have you seen him lately? I can only recognize him.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's not. It doesn't look like the same person.

[Kevin Nealon]

Here's the problem. Okay. There's Jelly Roll.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's Jelly Roll.

[Kevin Nealon]

And where's. Where's he now?

[Bert Kreischer]

Go to the. Go to the middle one. Go to the middle one. Go to the middle one. I mean, this is like. Oh.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, the middle one on the top. Oh, there you. Oh, that's Billy Gardelle. Yeah, on the right.

[Bert Kreischer]

On the right. Oh, and on the left.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, he should go back to the weight.

[Bert Kreischer]

He should go back to the weight. He looks good.

[Kevin Nealon]

But, you know, when do you stop, though? It's almost like an addiction. You start. Keep losing weight. That's him.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Jesus. And then the same with. Oh, I can't.

[Bert Kreischer]

Maybe it was him put in Tom Segura before and after. This is wild. I mean, Tom's on Ozempic, so he's lost a ton of weight.

[Kevin Nealon]

He told me his trainer was teaching him how to eat properly, and he never weighs himself. Is that bs?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, my God. The whole time I see a scale. Well, Tom wouldn't get on this scale. Would Lauren think if Tom got on this? What?

[Bert Kreischer]

Lauren, think. Look at how fatty is on the left. And then look at him on the right.

[Kevin Nealon]

He's growing some hair too.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's his. He should hair.

[Kevin Nealon]

Look at that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Man, he was a mess.

[Kevin Nealon]

I notice how he's. He's covering up the love handles, though. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. How about when somebody loses a lot of weight, like Al Roker? I don't. And. And they don't. They theme. Like, you could tell they lost weight. Like their head. It just should be carrying more weight.

[Bert Kreischer]

The head looks weird.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, yeah. And you could tell, like on the far right there. That.

[Bert Kreischer]

Here's the question. I guess it's like, is Alro still alive?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, he's. I'm doing an interview with him.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you serious?

[Kevin Nealon]

Two days? Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

He'd be dead if he had stayed that way, right?

[Kevin Nealon]

Possibly. I mean, there's a lot of old fat people.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, there's actually not.

[Kevin Nealon]

What about Jack Benny?

[Bert Kreischer]

I think he's dead.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, he did die. Let's see. Wait.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, Winston Churchill was an old fat guy. He lived to 80. Like I would live 90.

[Kevin Nealon]

Gleason was heavy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Jackie Gleason. I was. I read a book about Jackie Gleason.

[Kevin Nealon]

You did?

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm obsessed with those kind of guys.

[Kevin Nealon]

Shoot. I gotta. I got a picture at home that you would love. It's. I got it at the Rose Ball flea market. It's Jackie Gleason doing his walk, you know.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

And with Arnold Palmer on a green with the golf stuff and then the crowd around them. And I did a commercial with Arnold Palmer a while back and I had him sign it for me. And. And I got that hanging in my room. I don't collect a lot of pictures that are autographed because once you start collecting stuff, it's. It becomes you're a slave to it, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah. I. I don't collect.

[Kevin Nealon]

You collect hats and I'm sure you get people giving you hats from everywhere. Yeah, it's like, I don't want that hat, you know?

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, I can't do snapbacks. People give me a snapback and I have a big head.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, me too. One size does not fit all.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm eight.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh. You know that mine is off the scale. I can't even. Like, one time I got a death threat from someone. I was on snl. I said, we can update. And I got a letter handwritten because there was no email back then.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, that is commitment.

[Kevin Nealon]

He was really wanted me to know. He goes, I don't know how you became so unfunny, but I'm going to put a bullet in your big fat Mick head. And for the next week. I was so paranoid. I was asking everybody, do you think I have a big fat head? It was nothing to do with the letter.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, you're Irish?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Did your mom ever. Did you have sisters?

[Kevin Nealon]

I do have sisters, yeah. I have two brothers and three. I mean, three brothers and two sisters. Just found out I have a new brother about a year ago.

[Bert Kreischer]

For real?

[Kevin Nealon]

Not new, but half brother. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

How did you just find this out?

[Kevin Nealon]

23Andme, which I thought was a dating site for a long time, so that was a total shock for me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait.

[Kevin Nealon]

Good thing I didn't date him.

[Bert Kreischer]

Did your mom ever say to your sisters, hold on a second. Lady Jane?

[Kevin Nealon]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Kevin Nealon]

What? Why? We call her Lady Jane?

[Bert Kreischer]

Lady Jane. Have you ever heard that term, Pierce?

[Kevin Nealon]

I don't think anybody here has. Let me feel you, Jane.

[Bert Kreischer]

Type in Lady Jane. So I just listened to a documentary last night about Lady Jane Grey. And my mom used to say that all the time to my sisters. Hold one hot second. Lady Jane, why don't you slow your britches? Lady Jane. And Lady Jane was proclaimed queen as part of an unsuccessful bid to prevent the accession of her Catholic cousin, Mary Tudor. And so the phrase is used as someone who's trying to get too big too fast.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So, yeah, my mom said it all the time. And last night, randomly, I'm asleep, and I'm listening to podcasts while I sleep, and this podcast about Lady Jane Grey comes on, and I go, lady Jane. I wonder if that has any relation. I wake up in the middle of the night. I Google it. And that's where that phrase comes from. But it's an Irish phrase because of Catholic. Something about the Catholic religion. So, yeah, so it's an Irish phrase. I was wondering if you ever heard that.

[Kevin Nealon]

I have now. You know, I would hear this a lot, growing up with the people in the neighborhood. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.

[Bert Kreischer]

All the time. Jesus. And they call me. You get called a tinker by your grandmother?

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, you tinkers get in here.

[Kevin Nealon]

Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

That was crazy.

[Kevin Nealon]

I love documentaries.

[Bert Kreischer]

I do, too.

[Kevin Nealon]

You got to see this one. I just. One of the executive producers on it. Did you see that? Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can we tell everyone about it?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. Yeah. Brandy. Brandy Carlisle. Sarah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Your wife is a producer?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, my wife, Sarah. What's her name? Barrasso. Bareilles. Subliminal Bareilles, and. Yeah, and Glennon Doyle and Ambie Wambach and a bunch of other people. And it's. And it was at Sundance, and it won the best film at Sundance this year.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's called Come See Me in the Good Light.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, yeah. It's about these, these, this poet, she was diagnosed with incurable cancer. And there's the picture I drew of her. And she is like the poet laureate of that whole poetry world. I mean, she's really very popular. And she was diagnosed with incurable cancer, and she lives with her wife or her lover. And it's about getting through that. And it's really uplifting. When you hear something's about cancer and dying, you think, oh, I don't want to see that. But it is so uplifting. And you find yourself laughing so much through it, really. And you walk out of there and you think, man, I gotta start living in the moment. Oh, she'll get like three weeks. She can live. There's another three weeks. My numbers were good. I get three weeks, you know, and you're thinking, geez, I got, I got at least three years.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I was doing your math. I think you, I think you have like. I think you're gonna be old when you die. I was thinking about your. I was thinking about your mortality today because I think you're 71.

[Kevin Nealon]

You did a lot of research.

[Bert Kreischer]

I did, I did do a lot of research because I care about you. I like, like, you're one of my favorite.

[Kevin Nealon]

You are really good at this. No, I never thought you would be.

[Bert Kreischer]

A lot of people don't think I am.

[Kevin Nealon]

I didn't think you'd be a good stand up either.

[Bert Kreischer]

A lot of people don't think I am. No. I always get. I got. We did a show this weekend and, and three. I mean, it's crazy, but like, everyone got off. They're like, dude, I forgot how good of a standup you are. I was like, thanks. I think, like, you know what, you.

[Kevin Nealon]

Know, when you see pictures of you or short clips, you think this guy's like a frat comic.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know, swilling beer in the belly and whatever. But when they see you on stage, you tell a good story and it's very, it's compelling and funny and you just take the people with you and you, you could see that you're enjoying, you know, recanting this story. I think. Is that the word?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

And, and yeah, you're really good. And I think maybe that might be your. I don't know if you remember when Bobcat Goldthwaite started out.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

He was doing like a guy who was. You don't know what he was like, he mentally handicapped or. You know, and then he started getting political. So you can't stay with that character. You got to move out of it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

And I just wonder if, you know, to what extent you'll move out of, you know, the bear thing and maybe have more stories and, you know, and then you can lose the weight you want to lose.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know. I've often thought, like, I would love to do a one man show, but. But then I was like, I'm just gonna structure it the way I do an hour. And, you know, I got a really nice compliment from David Letterman. One time. He was doing an interview and he was like saying to the guy he was doing the interview with, I'm drawing a blank on his name. He. He did Moonlight Mile. He's a comic.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, Mike Birbiglia?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no, no. Moonlight Mile.

[Kevin Nealon]

Was it Johnny Carson?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no.

[Kevin Nealon]

Merv Griffin.

[Bert Kreischer]

Anyway, we'll look it up later. He said he's David Letterman said, you know, you know the guy that does stand up shirtless? And he goes, yeah, Bert Kreischer. And he goes, he's amazing. He's an amazing comedian. And he doesn't have a shirt on. And he said, yeah. And he goes. And he never mentions it, he doesn't talk about it. He just takes his shirt off and he goes, yeah. He's like, but he's a great comedian. He's like, yeah. David Letterman was like, it's just. And Sarah texted me one time and said the same thing. She's like, david Letterman really likes you, but he's like, really fascinated about why you take your shirt off. First time I met Norm MacDonald, I got off stage and he was crying, laughing on the other side of the curtain. And I thought he was laughing. I don't know what he was laughing at, but he just kept going, there's no shirt on. There's no shirt on. No shirt.

[Kevin Nealon]

You forgot your shirt.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, and yeah, I was. I've also. I've often wondered if I'd ever get out of. Put it. Start wearing a shirt, like if I lost a lot of weight.

[Kevin Nealon]

But you should paint like a six pack on there. Shadow it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I've done.

[Kevin Nealon]

You've done that before.

[Bert Kreischer]

Spray tan, but with a six pack. No, no, I would love. I would never get a six pack. I have a hernia. I'll never have a six pack.

[Kevin Nealon]

Why not fix that? Hernia?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I think it's elective surgery.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, cosmetic.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. So I was like, yeah, if I'm getting cosmetic surgery, that's not what I'm getting.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know, I ran up to Letterman a couple weeks ago, and I hadn't seen him in a long time. And he was always the Letterman that you're kind of afraid of, you know, and he could not have been more friendly and complimentary. He was citing different things that he loved. Like, you know, you were at the Mark Twain thing. You were like, the best one there. And, you know, I love your hiking show. It's so. So creative. And then he goes, you told a joke. You used to tell a joke. It makes me laugh. I. I retell it a lot. I give you credit. And that. He goes, the Lincoln thing. As if I would know. Oh, yeah, the Lincoln thing. I go, the Lincoln thing. He goes, yeah. You know when you talk about the Lincoln going to school and stuff? I said, I don't know if that was me or not. He goes, oh, well, I've been telling everybody it's you. I'm pretty sure it was yours. So the joke was this. It's not even a joke. He says, you know that Lincoln used to walk to school every day in the snow. But what they don't tell you is he was always late. So he loved that joke. I thought, man, I should start doing that again. But do a whole bit like what you don't know about certain famous people. Yeah. General Custard was scalped. A little big porn, but it was a wig, that kind of thing. So I thought, well, I'm going to try that Lincoln thing in my standup, and I'm sure it'll kill. I try it. Nothing. No laugh at all.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you know the joke I wrote for you today? No, because I. You did a. I was. I'm trying to. I'm trying to write, like, a lot lately.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so, like, more than ever, because I feel like.

[Kevin Nealon]

Why is that?

[Bert Kreischer]

Because I don't, like, I. This last special is, like, the best thing I could have done. And so I feel like I need to grow in a different direction.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

How many specials do you have?

[Bert Kreischer]

Six.

[Kevin Nealon]

Six.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. So this. I think. I think. I think this is six. But this one is, like, the best one I've done. I've take chances I've never taken. I wear a different outfit. I'm like. Like, I just really go for it on the special. So now I'm like. I took some time off. I'm like, all right, I'm gonna. I'm gonna write. I'm gonna just really see everything and just. I'm. Right. I've. I wrote so much. I wrote two jokes from you today.

[Kevin Nealon]

The Blanken.

[Bert Kreischer]

No. Nope. No.

[Kevin Nealon]

What's the other one?

[Bert Kreischer]

You did a. You. You did. I was watching you on Conan this morning on the treadmill, and you did a picture of Conan where you drew his picture as a character. Yeah, but you only drew this part, right?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And the joke I wrote was, and this is perfect for that. Mount Rushmore seems super impressive until you find out they were supposed to be the whole bodies. They made the head too big and.

[Kevin Nealon]

Like, ran out of rock.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then the other one, I was. This is just another. An idea. But you were talking about you. I think Bill Maher was trying to get. You smoke weed. And you're like, I don't like to feel out of control. And I was like, oh, I. That's. That's my favorite feeling. That's my like. And I was like, that's the difference between people that don't like. Like, don't like to get in the water at the beach, and then people that like to swim 30 yards out and go. It gets shallow out of here, too.

[Kevin Nealon]

Those people that swim offshore like that. Oh, there. That's a death wish right there.

[Bert Kreischer]

No. It's so fun.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, you do that?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I have. Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

I have.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't do it in where we don't. We go to the beach up in Oxnard, and I don't do it there because it's crazy water out there. So sometimes you can get pulled out on a riptide, and I don't want that.

[Kevin Nealon]

No, no.

[Bert Kreischer]

But as a kid, always growing up in Florida, in the Gulf of America, I think it's called now, but America.

[Kevin Nealon]

Is now called Mexico. So it's a trade.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. I like it. We would always swim out to the sandbar, which was like 30 yards out, 40 yards out. You never swam out in the ocean like that?

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, I was a lifeguard for real, while. Yeah. For three years on a beach. But it was. I was on Long Island Sound, so it didn't get that deep. It's like a foot deep for like a mile. And you would just be pulling junk people up, you know, so they wouldn't drown. And then. Yeah, so I would do that for three years. And I wanted to buy a guitar. I remember this. So I got another job at night at Dunkin Donuts. So I worked from 10 to 5 at night at Dunkin'donuts and that was a lifeguard from 10 to 5. So those two don't really. Night shift and day shift as a lifeguard is not a good combo.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

I think I slept through Two drownings, one of them at Dunkin Donuts. But, yeah, so I was a good swimmer. I haven't swam lately, but. But, yeah, I like to be in control.

[Bert Kreischer]

What kind of. What kind of a husband are you? Because with your. You seem like you don't get. You don't, like, fly off the hand. You've always seemed so even keeled, almost to a fault. Like, you're so even keeled. Like, I was wondering, like, what it's like to be parented by even keeled.

[Kevin Nealon]

But you know what? You're right. It's even keeled. What is that? Like, my wife sometimes will get on me because I don't show. I'm not demonstrative like she is. She's very. You know what's on her mind. She gets excited. Really? Or she'll be crying and I'm just even keel. She goes, you. You have to get, you know, excited. I said, well, you know, when we look at an open house, you shouldn't get really excited.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know, because that's not going to help in the negotiations. And that's what I do. I just go in there. Yeah, it's okay. Plus, I always think, well, I'm not going to get excited because it may not happen. You know, it may not happen. You know what I mean?

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm like your wife.

[Kevin Nealon]

You are.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, we went to buy a car one time. This is a while ago. And. And I also have. I also have ego problems. So, like, I feel someone's threatening me. Like, I'll, like. Like I feel. I had a pool guy one time, and I was like, I want to move our. I want to get rid of this pool where it is. I want to move it in the center. I'm.

[Kevin Nealon]

So you had a little extra money.

[Bert Kreischer]

I had a little extra money. And then. And then in doing that, I realized it would be it. You're never going to fill in the pool the way. And it's never going to settle the way you want it to. And it was just. It was foolhardy. And then he said to me, he said to my wife, yeah. I didn't hear back from. I figured Burt ran out of all his money. And I was like, fuck it. We're doing the pool now. And the end's like, what are you doing? I was like, no, fuck that. So I have, like, an ego thing. So we were buying it. Going to buy a car one time, and my business manager was like, we're just going to buy it in cash. Okay? And I was like, great. And the Guy's like, he said something like, you think you'd afford a car like this? And I was like, afford it. I'm buying in cash. My business manager was like, buddy, we have no room to negotiate now. And I was like, oh, see, I'm like your wife. I'm getting very excited. Very. Yes.

[Kevin Nealon]

What is your go to. In. In. In the pool? I bet it's a cannonball.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no.

[Kevin Nealon]

I thought you would be a cannonball guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no, I'm not a dive guy.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, no.

[Bert Kreischer]

I walk into the pool always.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, you don't have any kind of like a back flipper?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, no, no. Oh, no, no.

[Kevin Nealon]

What's the one where you jump and you hold one knee up a pitcher seat. Oh, is that pizza fish?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Oh, you hold one and you lay like that. We call it a preacher seat. Growing up, I have rituals in the pool. Like, I'm a little ocd. I get in the pool almost every, just about every day, and I get down to the shallow end and I hold my breath and I swim all the way to the deep end. And we have a 13 foot pool. So it gets really cold at the deep end.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, 13ft deep.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. So that's why we kept that pool.

[Kevin Nealon]

You have deep sea fish down there. Get stuff that people never knew.

[Bert Kreischer]

When the fires, when the fires were coming, they said that was the move. I have a scuba tank and scuba set up. And that one guy lived through the fires. He in. Maybe in the Palisades where he got his scuba stuff and got in the pool.

[Kevin Nealon]

Serious?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I was like, that was a move I was going to do.

[Kevin Nealon]

I never even thought about that.

[Bert Kreischer]

If fire had gotten to us, it would have been.

[Kevin Nealon]

But, you know, have you seen that kind of a cartoon, whatever it is, when the plane comes down and scoops water up out of a pool, they drop the body onto the fire. They didn't know they had the person in there with the water. How did this guy with a scuba tank get in the. On the street. But yeah, it's, it's. I, you know, I, I'm not a good negotiator either because I don't want to hurt the person's feelings. You know, I said, what's, what's the best deal? Like right now? Okay, $75,000. What's the best deal? Out the door. And then they go, 75,000. I go, sold. Yeah. I just don't want to. Even when I'm like in a foreign country, you know, where you can negotiate with the guys, you could bargain with these guys. How much for that blanket? It's €65. I'll give you 64. How's that? 65. All right, deal.

[Bert Kreischer]

55 it is. I am so bad at negotiating. I should not be able to. I should not be able to buy anything. I never look for a deal.

[Kevin Nealon]

What's the last thing that you bought? Just spontaneously. You didn't even need it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do the. Almost everything.

[Kevin Nealon]

Anything.

[Bert Kreischer]

Almost everything I buy. Like I bought, I bought. My buddy bought a new house and I have a really great flashlight and oh, it's 200,000 luminums. So it lights up your whole backyard. Oh, my God. It's actually a self defense weaponism weapon. In my opinion, you blind somebody you can blind, if you turn it on you, the person cannot see. So that's why I bought it initially and then I bought it and it was great. So I bought one for my dad and then I bought one for my brother in law and then I bought a second one for me to have a. You know, just in case I couldn't find the first one.

[Kevin Nealon]

Give it all to your 5k runners.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I gave. I bought one for Tom for Christmas and then my buddy bought a house and I just go, I'm going to buy him the flashlight. My wife goes, hey, it's $1,000. Like, what are you giving him a thousand dollars? And I was like, oh, yeah, what am I doing? I don't need to be the flashlight guy.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's the thing. When you find something you really like, you feel like everybody else should have it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I agree 100%. Knives. I love knives.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, yeah. Look like cooking knives or just throwing knives or.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love every knife. Like I have. I have great cooking knives. I've great cooking. Yes. I'm a big cook. And then I do have a cooking show. You should come on to the cooking show. Sure. I'll have you and Dana Carver carvey together.

[Kevin Nealon]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

The cooking show.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, I'll do it. I eat heats too.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's. And he, he. I want to say this, and I know that I'm overstepping my boundaries, but we're a little bit like brothers because he was a big runner and drinker and I'm a big runner and drinker.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. Oh, you run still?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. You're like the guy I went to go buy new running shoes. I walked in and the guy goes, I said, can I try these on? He goes, sure. What are you getting them for?

[Kevin Nealon]

Who you get it for?

[Bert Kreischer]

I was like, I'm getting them for me. And he's like, what are you gonna do with them? And I was like, I was gonna run in them. He's like, oh, oh, yeah. Yeah, you can run in them. I was like, wait, did you accept everyone here? Yeah. No.

[Kevin Nealon]

It's like buying condoms. What are you gonna use these for?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I used to buy Magnum condoms whenever I bought Rogaine. I was embarrassed to buy Rogaine.

[Kevin Nealon]

It comes in a kit, doesn't it? If they sell it together, yeah, it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Should come in a kit. But no, I. I love knives. That's why I buy people knives and give people knives.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's nice. That's a nice gift.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tom. Tom taught me to buy people gifts. It's fun to buy people gifts.

[Kevin Nealon]

Tom gives watches. He likes watches.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tom's loves watch. He's the reason I got into watches. And I'm not even really into watches.

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, you got one on this?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, this is.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, that's a heart monitor.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is a heart monitor. And this is a bracelet. My wife.

[Kevin Nealon]

Is it really a heart monitor?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it's a. Whoop. I can tell you my heart rate right now.

[Kevin Nealon]

Do you know I'm. I'm like that with scissors. I wanted to buy a good pair of scissors just to trim if, you know, like, pandemic and stuff. And I went online, I was expecting to buy, like, you know, spend 300 on one. Really good ones.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

And they weren't. They were like, $40. I said, I don't want that crap, you know?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, dude, I love what you're talking about. I can get into something so bizarre and then get obsessed with that sub genre.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, scissors is something I'd really get into.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, you like the scissors?

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, I. I.

[Kevin Nealon]

You like sharp things?

[Bert Kreischer]

I like. I got so many beard trimmers.

[Kevin Nealon]

And you got nose. How about nose hair clippers?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I got nose hair trimmers, dude. Great. Scissors are hard to come by. When you see, like, scissors. The kind. The best scissors. When you are the kind that you have to take apart and put back together to use. You've seen those? No, because they sharpen them and they take them apart and put them back together.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. But these that I have now are really. I have all those right there on that. It's a set, but I. You could cut yourself like it's a blade.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Have you ever had a. I know you've had a beard for a long time, but you ever have a straight edge shave?

[Bert Kreischer]

One time.

[Kevin Nealon]

It does not get any closer than that.

[Bert Kreischer]

It does not to death, too. It was the. It was the Guy. Did you ever see Anthony Bourdain get a straight edge? Straight no. And the guy was nervous to be on camera. Type in Anthony Bourdain's straight edge shave. And he was bleeding everywhere. The guy cut him so bad. Just do images and he was bleeding so bad. It was on. It was on his show.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, he was ripped in that picture up there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Anthony Bourdain was in great shape.

[Kevin Nealon]

And he was a smoker.

[Bert Kreischer]

So hard and a drinker. You never smoked cigarettes?

[Kevin Nealon]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Never drank?

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, yeah, I drank.

[Bert Kreischer]

You drink?

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, I used to drink. I wasn't like crazy drinking, but I would. Here we go. That's a nice close shave. He's using an exacto.

[Bert Kreischer]

Let me see the guy start shaking. Okay. You make me nervous.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, my God.

[Bert Kreischer]

It starts getting worse because he's doing his chin. And the guys watch the guy's hands shaking. I've never been filmed like this.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, he's cutting the.

[Bert Kreischer]

Out of his face.

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, some people have that, you know, those little rough skin and you can't help mixing it up.

[Bert Kreischer]

You shave every day?

[Kevin Nealon]

If I'm not lazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

I did have a goatee for a while. You know, I go back and forth.

[Bert Kreischer]

I've had a beard for a very long time.

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, the great thing about, like, for someone my age, guys will, you know, she start getting the jowls and stuff and those little wrinkles around the mouth you grow. So I think I'm gonna grow a goatee that'll cover all that up. But then the goatee comes in all gray. So you're gonna make a choice. Do you want to look older from a gray hair or just from your face kind of sagging?

[Bert Kreischer]

You don't have. You don't look old at all. Like, you look like you haven't aged your whole life.

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, you should see my insides. Like I said, I had four joints replaced. Yeah, I had a fib, you know, which is not life threatening unless you let it go. But so, you know, they fix that. So I'm like an old boat. They keep patching me up, but they got a lot of nice paint on me, you know, you don't.

[Bert Kreischer]

You look great.

[Kevin Nealon]

Like.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like when I went downstairs and I was talking about. I said. I said, yeah, his. I think. I think Kevin's 71. The entire room went, He's 71. And I was like, he's old. I was like, no, but I would love to look like you at 71. Like, that would be great. My dad's 77 and he's like, you could tell, I think. Well, the other thing is you look at those guys who worked out like crazy and ran ultra marathons. My dad was a marathon runner. And now his knees are shot, his hips are shot, and you're like, so when what's working out do for you? Like, you just should do it very lightly almost.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. I mean, I used to run a lot on the street, and in hindsight, I would never do that. I would run in Mulholland, like, 10 miles. Not. I did that for like a month. I would do that. Not every day, but. But yeah, I used to run a lot. I played football and rugby and soccer. So, you know, I took a toll on my. My joints, and I would never do that again. When I see people running down Samosante, which is a trafficky, you know, they have that medium in the middle where they run on there, and there's. I think these are crazy. They're breathing in exhaust. They're ruining their. Their knee joints and. But, you know, it's just what they do. That's what people do. They. Somebody said once, I don't work out, my body's meant to just, you know, keep that. Those greasy joints going.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, I think that's the valuable thing is, like, I started lifting weights so that I was. So that I could, like. I wanted to maintain muscles, to be able to get out of a chair and stuff. And, like. Because that was the one thing I saw with my dad. My dad, wait, whose mom fell down yesterday, and they had to get the police together. Our friend's mom fell down and they.

[Kevin Nealon]

Had to say, that's funny.

[Bert Kreischer]

A rescue. To get her up.

[Kevin Nealon]

No way.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. My mom fell in her house and with my dad fell together. No, no. My mom fell. She would, you know, maybe had a couple of glasses of Kim Crawford. My dad tried to get her up, and then my dad just went in, came back and brought a pillow and a blanket. And he's like, we'll figure it out tomorrow. And I was like. And then I heard that. And then my parents fell. When we were doing fully loaded, they fell in the ocean. They fell. They had. They had, like, lawn chairs at the very foot of the brakes. And a wave knocked them both over, and neither of them could get up, and lifeguards had to get them up. And I told my dad, I go, that's gotta change. And so my dad started doing no more swimming. No more swimming, no more sitting down. So my dad started doing squats and rowing and walking. And he goes, buddy, the first day I walked I had it on A one and I was like, how long is this gonna take? And now my dad says he's, like, walking at a 3.5 and he's gonna do our 5K with us.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's great.

[Bert Kreischer]

Him and my mom, but it's, like, a lot of it for me. That's why I started lifting weights. I didn't want to get. I didn't ever want to get to a deficit place where I was like. I was like, yeah, I just, you know, my arms are falling apart, you know, or my.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, yeah. You wanna stay ahead of it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I want to stay ahead of it, but I think there's a fine balance about not abusing your body.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, yeah. Moderation. My father always used to say. But here's. First of all, I think you should go into Pilates and forget the weights for real, because that'll stretch you out and that'll make you strong.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you do Pilates?

[Kevin Nealon]

No, I hate it. No, I would do it, but I don't want to do it. But I think Pilates and. Oh, I was going to say that, you know, you think about building up your chest and your arms, you know, and get the abs. But when you get to a certain age, like around my age, you see guys, like, in their 80s and their ass is sagging. So all of a sudden you think, well, maybe it's time to start doing squats. You know, concentrate on the squats.

[Bert Kreischer]

I posted a picture. I've always been a naked guy, right? I posted a picture of me in college, overlooking the Appalachian Trail, naked, just my butt. And then I said, I'm going to recreate the picture. And I posted it again of me in my backyard. Just the butt. My butt has fallen apart so bad that it really made me. And I started saying, I'm going to work on squats and get my ass built. Because that's. You're right, a saggy old man ass. There's nothing sexy about it.

[Kevin Nealon]

And then also the back starts to sag.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh. Oh.

[Kevin Nealon]

And the balls.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God. Well, I'm on testosterone. My balls only aren't even there anymore.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, really?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh.

[Kevin Nealon]

How much testosterone do you take?

[Bert Kreischer]

A lot.

[Kevin Nealon]

Is it healthy?

[Bert Kreischer]

I think so.

[Kevin Nealon]

We'll see.

[Bert Kreischer]

We'll see. I mean.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, my God, look at those pictures.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God. That's the worst.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, that's like an elephant on the far right. Yeah. Is that a vagina?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, that does look like an elephant.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's an elephant.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God. That's. I think that's bed sores.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, maybe it is. You gotta admit, though, kind of hot, though. Kind of hot.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Look at that. That guy's got a name on the back of his.

[Bert Kreischer]

I am definitely gonna do. I'm working on my ass.

[Kevin Nealon]

Do the squats.

[Bert Kreischer]

Gotta be cool to be like. Because a 50. I'm 52. At 52, I go, oh, what if I get Alzheimer's? What if I get dementia? What if I get this? What if I get that 70? At 71, you get to go, I didn't get any of that. Shit.

[Kevin Nealon]

I know, I know I didn't get any of that.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's crazy. No als, no Lou Gehrig's. No, none of that. You got nothing. You just are healthy.

[Kevin Nealon]

I don't know about that. You know what I've been doing? Not lately, but I've done this before. There was a time when I was leaving the stove on, and my wife got really worried. But it wasn't, like, high. It was very low because I think I turned it the wrong way. And the pilot light was still on. And then I think. And then the other day, this happened twice. The first time, she didn't know it, and I discovered it. I poured a glass of milk. I took the glass out of the cupboard, poured a glass of milk, put the milk in the glass cupboard and shut the door. I went away. She videotaped the kitchen. She opened up the cupboard door, and there was the milk in there. So she's really worried about me. So she wanted me go in for a dementia test, which is scary.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God.

[Kevin Nealon]

And her therapist says, don't make anybody going for one of those. That's really scary to have to do that, because, you know, you don't want to know, really, if you have dementia, because there's nothing they could do. Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

There's nothing they can do to fix it. Yeah. I leave the remote control in the fridge. Like, I've been doing that for a long time.

[Kevin Nealon]

Thank God, buddy, we're in the same boat.

[Bert Kreischer]

I literally, as I'm talking to you, I'm, like, trying to write things down. So I go, I know I'm gonna forget this. Like, I just. But I also think it's like. I think you. If you have dementia, you really know.

[Kevin Nealon]

But it comes gradually, though. I can't remember people's names like that I've known for a long time.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, you know what, though?

[Kevin Nealon]

I couldn't remember Lee Major's name the other day. I think, what's the $6 million name?

[Bert Kreischer]

I've done that really? I've done that. Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

And then I want. I don't want, like, somebody to tell me I want to work it out.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love that. I love that. Working it out. By the way, I did that the other night in bed. I was like. I was like, what was the.

[Kevin Nealon]

What is my name?

[Bert Kreischer]

You ready? I said, what countries do a lipa from? Now I know what country, because I.

[Kevin Nealon]

Know what country is what.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dua. Lipa.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just randomly my brain said, what country is dua lipa from? And I was like, okay. I know when I lived in Serbia.

[Kevin Nealon]

You lived in Serbia?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, for doing a movie. I was just in there for three months. I was like, I know it's close to Serbia. I know that it was never a part of Yugoslavia. I know that it's not Chechnya. I know it's not Croatia. I know it's not.

[Kevin Nealon]

Just those names is pretty impressive as I'm doing.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I just sat with it all day and I was like, I know it, I know it, I know it. And all of a sudden I'm sitting there and I go, Albania. And I was like, kids not got dementia. Albania. It took me all day. Albania. I do that all the time. Yeah, you do.

[Kevin Nealon]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

But then you go on stage and your act comes off like this. You're like. And you're like, there's no way where someone dementia can do their act.

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, you know Glen Campbell?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

He had dementia, but he could sing it before he remembered all the lyrics, how to play the guitar, then that's fine.

[Bert Kreischer]

If I get dementia, I just do stand up a lot. I just walk around with a mic in my hand and I'm like, hey, what's your name? Where are you from? I'm your wife. I live here. What do you do for a living? I don't have a job. You know that, Bert.

[Kevin Nealon]

I guess it's a long term memory you remember, but it's a short term. You don't remember. So they remember how to play songs and stuff.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's crazy. No, I was. I was actually concerned about it for a second because I'm a hypochondriac. And I think when Bruce Willis got it, I was like, oh, no, right. And then. And then I did Tampa and people that I grew up with were coming up to me and I was like. I was like, paula, how you doing? She was like, you remember my name? And I was like, fuck, yes, I do. I knew everyone's name I grew up with. I don't remember people's names. Like. Like when I went. I went to super bowl, and it's like this. I'm just like, huh? Yeah. Yeah. And my hearing's going, I think. Oh, it is like. I think. So if I'm in a bar, I can't hear anybody.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, no. Well, that's understandable. But, you know, I have a friend who has hearing aids, and he said, do you know when you need a hearing aid? When you find yourself saying what a lot?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't even say what. I just go, sure.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they're like, you really want to storm the Capitol? I'm like, what?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. Yeah, that's true. That's true.

[Bert Kreischer]

I also think. It's like, I also write it off, too. Okay. If I quit drinking tomorrow, then everything comes right back. I'd be like, sharp as attack.

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, you told me the last time I ran into you is. You said you're. You're cutting back on the tree.

[Bert Kreischer]

I cut back. I cut back drastically. Like, for. For like, three months, I didn't drink, and I felt phenomenal. And it was so hard to start drinking again that I said to myself, I'm never gonna quit, because I don't. It's so hard to start.

[Kevin Nealon]

I'm like that with sweets. I gave up sweets for six months once, and I have a real problem with sweets.

[Bert Kreischer]

For real?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

What's your go to, Sweet?

[Kevin Nealon]

Whatever's there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like. Like, if you go to the store. Are you a Sour Patch guy?

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, here's what I am. Not so much. That's a little too tart. I love the double chocolate Milano cookies. I'll put a bag in that little shopping cart. And as I'm shopping for other stuff, I'll be eating them. The bag is finished by the time I get to the cash register.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God.

[Kevin Nealon]

And I pay for the bag. Basically just paid for the bag. Yeah. But I love all kinds of. I mean, chocolate chip cookies. Yeah, all of that stuff.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was just talking to. I was talking to a football player about the best desserts are the hot cookie or a hot brownie with ice cream on it with caramel peach cobbler for me. Oh, my God.

[Kevin Nealon]

But you would eat that even though you're not a sweet guy?

[Bert Kreischer]

You know what? No. Like, when sweets show up at the table. I don't. I just. It looks amazing. Sometimes I'll go. The only one I cannot say no to. And I don't know. It's. This is like a weird. It's a weird one is key lime pie.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

If I see Key lime pie. I know that it was meant to be in my life. Like, if it shows up, then I go, there's a reason it's here. And I'm not going to deny that reason.

[Kevin Nealon]

Is it the real key lime pie? That's not green.

[Bert Kreischer]

My mouse watering right now. We stayed, we stayed at a place in New Hampshire. It was a theater. I forget the name of it. Where? New Hampshire. Do you remember Manchester? I don't know. I don't remember.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, it gets to be like that.

[Bert Kreischer]

When I first met Sarah Barales, Sarah Silverman, she said she was from New Hampshire. And I said, oh, cool. She goes, you look like you don't. You don't you want to say something? I go, I don't know where New Hampshire is. She was like, you don't know where New Hampshire is?

[Kevin Nealon]

Albania is, but not Albania.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you talking about Albania? But no, we played in New Hampshire at some place in New Hampshire and they had, and I think about this, like once a week, they had frozen chocolate dipped key lime pies on a stick. So they had a slice of key lime pie that they dipped in chocolate and then had them in the freezer. And you could eat as many as you want. And I had three.

[Kevin Nealon]

Wow. I'm like that with ice cream sandwiches.

[Bert Kreischer]

Milford. Guilford.

[Kevin Nealon]

Guilford could be Milford. I don't know where that is.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, you grew up in Connecticut, right?

[Kevin Nealon]

I did grow up in Connecticut, but my grandparents lived in Kittery, Maine, which is right across the New Hampshire border about Portsmouth.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Kevin Nealon]

We go up there every year and it was beautiful. And, and also I have a. This is quite an interesting story. I was going up to Maine to an island called Islesboro. Excuse me. And my mother said, oh, you're going up there. You should look up your great, great, great, great grandfather. He was a ship captain and he died. And they buried him in a Protestant cemetery there. It's a very small island. And so I thought, okay, what's. What's his name? Elihu was the last name. Elihu. And I said, okay. So I find, I can't find the, the, the great, the cemetery. So I find this Protestant minister. I knock on his door and he's. I could see him across the room. He's, you know, the house, he's eating. He's finishing breakfast or something. Can I help you? And I say, sure, yeah. I'm looking for the Protestant cemetery. I'll show you where it is. So we get in the car and he's driving me down this, this road that becomes a, A Dirt road and then kind of grass in the middle, then all grass. And then it stops. And he looks out the window. He goes, it's right over there. And I get out, it's all bushes. I said. He goes, yeah, you got to look through the bushes and stuff. And there's, like, markers, you know, these little stone markers with the dates on them and the little names. And they're leaning over, and I look for, like, a half hour. I couldn't find it. So I go back to him. I said. He goes, did you find it? I said, I can't find it. He goes, did you look up in the trees? The trees over years will pick up the. You know, the. The marker, the gravestone, and it'll grow up with the tree. So there would be markers up in the tree, gravestones. It's like a Stephen King kind of a story.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God.

[Kevin Nealon]

And I've seen that happen with bikes before, where it brings the bike up.

[Bert Kreischer]

I've seen that. So I think I saw it with a car.

[Kevin Nealon]

I saw with a battleship. It was crazy, man. And it was a little birch tree. Yeah, it'll get.

[Bert Kreischer]

It'll grow into the tree.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, it'll just.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wild.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. Look at that gravestone right there. That'll take it up.

[Bert Kreischer]

I kind of almost now want to be buried. And the day I'm buried, plant, like an oak right next to my tombstone. So it gets brought up in the tree, and I end up. And then your body's almost in the tree, too.

[Kevin Nealon]

Your face is sticking out a little bit.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, just like a. You know, they beheaded Oliver Cromwell after he was dead.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, better. That's better.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

If you had to behead somebody. I know you like knives.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Would you do a slow cut or would you do an ax? Or would you do, like, a big scissor kind of thing? Or a carving knife?

[Bert Kreischer]

I would do.

[Kevin Nealon]

What did you do? What did you use last time?

[Bert Kreischer]

The last time I did it, I was. I was wrong. I tried to do paper cuts, and it just took forever.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, you need that legal pad paper.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I always think, like, they. Like when they went to behead, I was a little obsessed with beheadings. I was obsessed with history. And when they went to behead Marie Antoinette, they found out she had a. No, no. Was it Marie Antoinette? She had her dog with her, and she had a wig on, and her wig fell off.

[Kevin Nealon]

But they all wore weeks back then.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know, but I think people also just were like, oh, that's what you look like.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's what your head looks like rolling down the street.

[Bert Kreischer]

I would use a. I would use one of those big, big axes. I think you want a lot of the energy.

[Kevin Nealon]

Like a cartoon ax. Like a cartoon, yeah. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like a big battle ax.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't think I could behead somebody.

[Kevin Nealon]

If you had to, you would.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. If I think something hurt my daughters, I could definitely kill them. Yeah, I would have definitely killed them. Do you.

[Kevin Nealon]

Are you okay watching, like, gory.

[Bert Kreischer]

You have a horror movie coming out called Inhabitants.

[Kevin Nealon]

You are such a researcher and really impressed, and thank you for all that work.

[Bert Kreischer]

Thank you. It comes out February 14th on Apple TV.

[Kevin Nealon]

Is it the 14th?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it is.

[Kevin Nealon]

I got to tell you something. I, I, I've done, like. I have five films coming out this year, but they're small films. I've done like, one or two a couple years ago and more, too. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, keep going.

[Kevin Nealon]

And I'm watching. I'm watching tv. There's a trailer for a movie, and it looks really scary. I go, oh, my God, this looks good. And I'm watching it. And then they cut to my scene. I'm in a scene like I'm in a crystal shop, like, selling crystals. Like, oh, that's that movie.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is that Inhabitants?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, it's Inhabitants.

[Bert Kreischer]

The premise is there's a boy. No, he's a man, but he looks like a boy to me in the movie. But he's a young man and he's married. And his what? He gave up the church. And the guy that he went to camp with, who was this camp counselor who was kind of, like, really indoctrinating the church, is now haunting him. And then he brings his mom back, who still has faith to try to get rid of the spirit. Correct.

[Kevin Nealon]

I have no idea. I have no idea. I didn't read. I gotta see this movie. It sounds good. Yeah, that's the gist of it. You know, from the trailer. You can see it. This is what I like to do. I like to go to a movie set.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

And the director comes over and. And he says, hey, we're really happy to have you here. I said, I'm happy to be here. And I can't wait to read the script. And we'll have a little time to read it, but we should have read it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is there ever a place you won't be funny? Like, where you go?

[Kevin Nealon]

No, because like we talked about before, I'm trying to lighten up things because that makes me feel more comfortable.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

But I guess, I mean, I'VE done memorials before where, you know, I try to be funny.

[Bert Kreischer]

You did. Who's. Who's. Whose memorial did you do that? I just. Recently I've done links.

[Kevin Nealon]

I did Shanlings. I did Norm MacDonald's. I did Tom Sikor. Oh, no, I did not do his. You'll be doing this. You should start working on that right now.

[Bert Kreischer]

I've got it. I know how it starts.

[Kevin Nealon]

You do?

[Bert Kreischer]

Looks like I won. I'm still here. I think everyone in this room's as shocked as I am that it's me doing his and not vice versa.

[Kevin Nealon]

It's such a great line. You hope that he dies.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Quickly. I. I did this Gary Shelley, when I had people coming up to me, would you do my memorial afterwards? Would you do. You know. But. But I've done a few.

[Bert Kreischer]

And how do you prepare for Gary Shandling's memorial?

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, you wait for him to die first. Well, you know, he died and. Which was a total shock because he'd never done that before. And so. So he. We were really great friends. It was like you and. And Tom. And they didn't have the memorial until like, a month later. So I had plenty of time. When I was on the road, I would put the headphones on, listen to sad music or music we used to listen to, and just write my memories of him. And I had, like, a month to do it, so it was really the first thing I've ever prepared for in my life.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. Yeah. So that's kind of what. What you do. And. And also I found that it's the best audience because they're all in tune. They're listening. There's not a blender going on in the back.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's a little funny goes a long way.

[Kevin Nealon]

A little funny is the savior. When you talk about, you know, the times used to have, and people start getting choked up, and then, bam, you hit them with a joke and they laugh harder because they're looking for that escape.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

I mean, and it's. It's. Yeah, it's true. It's like after 91 1, I think there's a certain time you had to wait or for anything even. Like the fires and, you know, and then people are looking for something to bring them back up again.

[Bert Kreischer]

Whose memorial did you do better at? Like, if you had to post one online and you're like, which one would get more likes Shandlings or Norms?

[Kevin Nealon]

Probably Shandlings.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Norms. My favorite line with the Norm one was everybody's saying how brave his comedy was and courageous and I said, I think it was just poor judgment, you know, just totally poor judgment on his part.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's crazy that in OJ's death, all they did was post norm clips. OJ died. The only thing that went out was all Norm roasting oj. Kind of wild.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, I love those Norm clips. Now they're showing. I didn't realize he was that funny. You know what I mean? I'm serious. I never. I thought Norm is just kind of a, you know, a wise guy and, you know. But then he started playing all these clips I got. That's hilarious.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, he's.

[Kevin Nealon]

His book is great.

[Bert Kreischer]

He was one of the guys that, like, we all discovered, like, when the Internet showed up. And then all of us have been doing Stand up for a while, and we knew who Norm was, but we didn't, like, you know, you only knew the Norm show or Dirty Work or his SNL stuff. But, like, he didn't really get the props I think that he deserved. And then when the Internet showed up, I remember the first clip was the clip of Carrot Top where he goes, he's with Courtney Smith. And she was like, I'm doing a movie with Carrot Top. And Coney goes, norm, you got a joke about that? And she goes, what's it called? And he goes, chairman of the board. And Norm goes, is it spelled B O R E D? And I mean, that was the first clip of Norm's, where everyone's like, I gotta deep dive him.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, his favorite joke of mine was he goes, my dad's a country guy, lived out in the country. I was with him the first time he saw an elevator. Do you know this joke?

[Kevin Nealon]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

He goes, yeah, I like the impression, though. Doors open and a big old fat lady gets in it. And my dad didn't know what it was. The doors close and then they open again and a beautiful woman comes out of it. And my dad looks at me and goes, norm, go get your mom.

[Kevin Nealon]

That's a good joke.

[Bert Kreischer]

Norm was. Norm was. The thing I liked about Norm, I don't have this, but, like, Norm didn't mind the silence in you waiting to.

[Kevin Nealon]

Get the joke for a long time.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, he could do it, and then if you didn't get it, he wasn't rushing it. He's like, okay. Like, I was. I was my. One of my favorite Norm stories, and I only have a handful, was I was doing a big. I was gonna do a big show because my special was coming out March 17th. It comes out the 18th this year. It came out the 17th that year. Like I've always, my specials have always dropped on like one of two days and I was gonna do a big St. Patrick's Day call and sick to work show. Everyone's gonna show up at 10am at the store and we're going to do shows and day drinking all the way until like 9:00 at night. And I had everyone. I had like Spade, Norm. I had everyone. Sebastian, Joe. That was stacked. And Colin. Colin Quinn.

[Kevin Nealon]

No, Colin. Colin Farrell.

[Bert Kreischer]

Stay at home. It was Colin Zig Dork. The stay at home orders came in on the 13th, so everyone's for pandemic.

[Kevin Nealon]

What do you do when you have a back to back show?

[Bert Kreischer]

What do you mean?

[Kevin Nealon]

When you do two shows a night. Do you ever do that?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

How's the sack go?

[Bert Kreischer]

It goes great.

[Kevin Nealon]

It does?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I don't drink on stage.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, you don't?

[Bert Kreischer]

No. I think that's, that's the misnomer of me is they. I think people think I'm drunk. Like I ran into a person, I can't say his name because Ari said it's name dropping. It was John Legend. And John Legend said to me the other night, he goes, we were about to do a benefit and he was like, John. Oh, John Mayer. John Mayer. I'm sorry, not John Legend. It's better if it's John Legend. And so he goes, he goes, how, on a scale of 10, 1 to 10, how drunk are you right now? I said, not. He was, no, like, how many beers have you had? And I said, zero.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, so you don't drink at all before you go on?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, never. I never do. Like I, I have, but I don't primarily. I would never do that. I would. So if we do two shows, I won't drink on the first show and then on the second show I'll have a drink when I start the machine story at the end. So. But what was I saying?

[Kevin Nealon]

You were talking about.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, Norm, Norm. So stay at home, order, start on the 13th, on the 17th we're supposed to do the show. We've all been in our house for four days now. And I got a text from Norm. I think it was a text or a phone call. And he's like, what time should I be at the club? And I write back, I don't think we're doing the show today, Norm. He said, why not? And I said, stay at home orders. And he goes, what's that? And I said, there's a pandemic right now. And he goes, seriously, what Time. Should I be there? And then I just was like. I don't know how to answer. But he didn't mind sending the joke text, and if you didn't get it and maybe it upset. It didn't bother him. No, I liked that.

[Kevin Nealon]

No, nothing bothered him. No. He was a character. I got tons of stories about Norm, but. Yeah. And nobody knew he was sick the last nine years.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really? It was nine years.

[Kevin Nealon]

And I would work with him, and I would see him all different weights. He'd be bloated, then he'd be thin from all the medicine he was taking.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

And he would. He would walk the room. Sometimes, you know, people just leave or people thought he was drunk, but it was the medicine he was taking. In hindsight, I realized that and. But Norm was. He was.

[Bert Kreischer]

He didn't tell anybody.

[Kevin Nealon]

He told our manager, Mark Irvitz.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, really?

[Kevin Nealon]

And that's all. And his son and his. And his friend Lori. Lori Jo. But. And me and Dana. He told Dana, too. And he told the. The VFW down downtown. Yeah. And the Mason Club. Mason. And that girl Scout Troop 25. And the people in Albania knew Ed. Car salesman. That's it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I wish I had that ability.

[Kevin Nealon]

But, yeah, he was. He was something. And.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, let me see if I have any more questions. I could sit. I could sit and talk to you for another hour. Oh, I know you're so. I mean, like, I know that you. You're such a legend, and it's like. But you've always been understated. Like, you've never. You're not like a guy that walks in with an entourage. You're not someone that makes a stink. If you're doing spots at the improv and you've been doing them since the improv started. Like, you. You're not someone who's, like, going in and bumping people. No, you're just a. You're like the stereotype of what we should all be or strive for.

[Kevin Nealon]

I wish I had a posse. I mean, when I came in here and I saw you got, like 12 people working for you, I thought, jesus, why don't I do this? I should get some people. Just hang around with laptops.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know. You know, they put on screen protectors so I can't see what they're doing.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, really?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And then I go, well, don't put the screen protector on. They're like, I don't want people to see my work. And you're like, you're working for me. I should be able to look over.

[Kevin Nealon]

Your Shoulder red seven on the black. Eight.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. All right, let's see.

[Kevin Nealon]

I'm really impressed at how much work you do.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I'm excited to. Do you have a dog?

[Kevin Nealon]

No. You ran out of stuff to research.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you like music?

[Kevin Nealon]

I do love music.

[Bert Kreischer]

What's your favorite band?

[Kevin Nealon]

My favorite band?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Right now. Mozart. No, I. You know, it's. It's. I don't have a favorite band. You know, I grew up loving, you know, old school music, like, you know, Clapton and the Stones and Beatles, James Taylor.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

You know, but now it's. I was on a. I was on an Ed Sheeran role for a little bit there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Being sued for a hundred million dollars.

[Kevin Nealon]

He did. For what?

[Bert Kreischer]

For copyright infringement.

[Kevin Nealon]

Didn't you go through that once before?

[Bert Kreischer]

Maybe. I saw an old news clip. My bad.

[Kevin Nealon]

You've been spreading that around, though, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, a lot. That and Sam Cook was shot while. That's one. I thought, what's one? I. I kept putting out there and it's like. And someone's like, you know that's not real, right? No, I didn't know that. What were your. I. I wrote Vietnam and I don't know why.

[Kevin Nealon]

I. I led a platoon in Vietnam for 30 years and. No kidding. Vietnam? No, I don't. I don't. Oh, I was. I was at the tail end of Vietnam, The. The draft.

[Bert Kreischer]

Were you nervous? Were you nervous?

[Kevin Nealon]

I was kind of nervous because they posted the. The numbers in our college and. And I looked. I was number 67, but it was at the end of the war anyway. They weren't like. I was near the end of everything then.

[Bert Kreischer]

That would have been nice to go in and just hit dingers, like, be a second string. Just when they got their second string in.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, yeah. It's like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get what you're saying.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's like the end of the Super Bowl.

[Kevin Nealon]

The soldiers that aren't as good as.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just to go over there and take a knee and let the clock run out.

[Kevin Nealon]

But it was the same with Woodstock. I was not quite old enough to go to. I was like 16 or so. So I just. I was like, right in the middle of everything, you know, not quite old enough. Not quite young enough.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, you're younger than. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is interesting. You're. You're old enough. You're the disco generation.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, yeah. I used to do open mic night comedy in a disco.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. Unlike La Cienega and it was called the Cave or something.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, I. I gotta tell everyone. This book you drew all the pictures in this.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And it's really impressive. You're a really good artist.

[Kevin Nealon]

Thank you.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're a really good artist.

[Kevin Nealon]

I like doing. I've been drawing for most of my life, but they were just doodles and nothing really focused and no lessons. And then I just. During the pandemic, I thought, I'm gonna just start doing this.

[Bert Kreischer]

And these are all what I think is cool about this book. These are all your interactions with the people you've doodled. And there's like, Freddie Mercury.

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, I didn't. I didn't. I never met him, but it's my experiences with concerts in general.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah. You know, Prince is in here.

[Kevin Nealon]

Prince I met.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. There's a lot of people. Dana's in there, Lorne Michaels in there. Christopher Walken. He does not like his.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah. You see if you find it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Was it about that night on the boat with Natalie Wood?

[Kevin Nealon]

No. Let me see if I can find it. No, it was. I like this Howard Stern one.

[Bert Kreischer]

Howard Stern.

[Kevin Nealon]

There you go. Howard Stern. But this is.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's is. He is. Is. Are all his interviews remote now? Oh, Chris, we're walking in. Like his picture?

[Kevin Nealon]

No, he didn't like his picture. I don't know if you can see it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I can see why.

[Kevin Nealon]

And that means everybody wants it. Everybody wants the picture. Now.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's a good looking picture, though.

[Kevin Nealon]

Ye.

[Bert Kreischer]

A cool picture.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, that's a fun one. That's a fun one.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is really. Mikey Gyllenhaal.

[Kevin Nealon]

I started having gallery showings. Some guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

She went to one.

[Kevin Nealon]

You did? And Brentwood. How was it? Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is her book.

[Kevin Nealon]

Well, I'll autograph if you want.

[Bert Kreischer]

Peyton and Eli Manning. Oprah.

[Kevin Nealon]

The Peyton Manning brothers.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, that's not Oprah. That's Tiffany Hadish.

[Kevin Nealon]

Tiffany.

[Bert Kreischer]

Gary. Shanley.

[Kevin Nealon]

Shanley, yeah. Pointer Sisters.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was gonna say Destiny's Child.

[Kevin Nealon]

You're gonna say Jixie Shicks.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dixie Chicks. Elvis. John Travolta. My dad. My dad, Billie Eilish. I like her.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, yeah, she's the best.

[Bert Kreischer]

My dad referenced John Travolta the other day. He goes, you know the guy from welcome Back Cotter? I go, dad, I do, because I know you, but that is a. Yeah, there they are.

[Kevin Nealon]

There you go. Chris Farley came out pretty well.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. That's one dude I wish I had met. I would love to meet him.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah, he was something. Talk about not saying no.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Well, Kevin, this has been a blast. Thank you so much.

[Kevin Nealon]

Thanks.

[Bert Kreischer]

And inhabitants comes out February 14th. Come see me in the Good Light is a documentary at one, best film at Sundance. Everyone's talking about it. Check out both of those. And Hiking with Kevin. And then Hiking with Kevin. I'd love to do it sometime.

[Kevin Nealon]

Oh, man, I would love to have you. I know you're busy, but sometime.

[Bert Kreischer]

The one you did with Spade was like, the one that was like. I was like, my. What's cool about you guys is you guys all have such a shorthand with each other.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And you guys all have such shared personalities where you joke so quickly. You and. You and Conan are, like, so good together.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You and you and everyone. I mean, there's a testament to the man you are. And the way we all look up to you and the way we admire you is your friend group is the best friend group in comedy. It's the best. It's Sandler. It was Norm. It was Shandling. It's David. It's Sarah. Dana. I mean, your friend group is so thick.

[Kevin Nealon]

I love coming. I love comedians. You know, we feel so comfortable together, and it's nice to get to know you, too. You know, I've seen you around a long time, but I never really got the opportunity to. I had the opportunity, but I chose not to take it. But. But no, it's been nice hanging. I think we could hang out a lot if you weren't so busy and desperate for attention.

[Bert Kreischer]

That was a great episode.

[Kevin Nealon]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Bert and Tom. Tom and Bert. One goes tops while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories, and Burt's the machine.

[Kevin Nealon]

There's not a chance in hell that.

[Bert Kreischer]

They'Ll keep it clean. Here's what we call two bears, one cave.