Somethings Burning And It's Bert's Bus | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Summary

Podcast Summary: 2 Bears, 1 Cave – "Somethings Burning And It's Bert's Bus"

Hosts: Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Date: April 6, 2026
Studio: YMH Studios

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Episode Overview

In this episode, comedian best friends Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer reconvene in the bear cave following the dramatic destruction of Bert's tour bus by fire. The conversation weaves through the chaos of the incident, brushes with mortality, the absurdity of fame, tour life, the art of stand-up material, and plenty of signature banter. Between deeper reflections on near-death experiences and lifestyle changes, the bears riff about everything from internet rumors to celebrity nap habits, concluding with playful jabs about notorious names in the news.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Bert’s Bus Fire: The Saga Unfolds

Timestamps: 01:20 – 13:00

• The Setup: Bert recounts his recent tour schedule and the events leading to his tour bus catching fire.
• The Incident:
  • After a blowout near Fargo, ND, Bert and crew were stranded in a snowstorm, switched buses for the next show, leaving most of his belongings behind.
  • Later that morning, they receive news: the bus had caught fire while parked waiting for repairs. Driver Dewey narrowly escaped.
  • Bert: “Within 15 seconds, the entire front cabin was filled with smoke. And within 30 seconds, it was all aflame... If we’d been on the bus, no one would’ve gotten out.” (06:03)
• Material Loss & What Could Have Been:
  • Bert grieves for his hats, cigars, clothing, and the specialized bus: “All my medications, everything. I live in this bus.” (04:12)
  • Reflects on how close they came to death and his difficulty processing it: “I have a hard time processing the almost died part of it. I think it’s easier to process losing your home.” (07:31)
• Leanne’s Reaction & The Tour Dilemma:
  • Leanne (Bert’s wife) questions how much longer Bert can or should do this life on the road, pushing Bert into what’s next. (09:18)

2. Brushes With Death & Life Changes

Timestamps: 07:31 – 14:30

• Bert’s Health Scares:
  • Bert discusses his recent blood clots, sobriety, and being on blood thinners post lung embolism.
  • He finds himself reflecting repeatedly on mortality.
• Coping Without Vices:
  • Bert is off alcohol, weed, and nicotine (“Manjaro,” a medication for weight loss/diabetes, also factors in).
  • He openly ponders about returning to drinking and his July 11th “parole” from blood thinners.
  • “If they keep me on blood thinners, I will simply drink on blood thinners.” (22:58)
• Impact of Perspective:
  • Bert wonders if his attitude will change long-term, as it did for others facing mortality.
  • Tom, referencing his wife’s cancer scare, notes perspective shifts but that “it’s more like a wake up, sobering moment in life” than a total transformation. (21:57)

3. Material, Comedy Process & Fame

Timestamps: 14:30 – 25:10, 61:05 – 65:10

• Stand-Up vs. Podcasting:
  • Bert credits cutting back on podcasts for improved stand-up and ticket sales: “Cutting back was the—my standup’s better. Ticket sales are better. I think people were like, I just want to see you on stage. Enough.” (01:10)
• Developing Material:
  • The challenges and joys of turning true stories into bits, and the reality of crowds who follow both podcast and stage material.
  • "That's the thing I've learned, people don't like if you do a bit here [on a podcast], they don't like it on a special. But, guys, that's how it works sometimes." (63:37)
• Routine, Touring, and New Bits:
  • Bert discusses doing 1 hour 45 min sets, paring down material, and finding that stories about Tom always work but can feel like a 'cheat code.'
  • The practical side of rebuilding after losing material possessions, and the grind of tour logistics post-fire.

4. Rumors, Memes, and Notoriety

Timestamps: 18:20 – 22:00, 67:30 – 74:10

• Internet Scandals:
  • Bert and Tom riff about being listed in the so-called “Epstein files”—both joke that Bert’s only connection was being listed in Epstein’s ticket spam for a West Palm Improv show in 2017.
  • “I am a spam ad in Jeffrey Epstein’s email list—a spam ad for my show, March 21st–23rd.” (67:43)
  • They play Fluffy (Gabriel Iglesias)’s segment explaining his own inclusion in the infamous emails, and joke about the absurdity.
• Celebrity Urban Legends:
  • Tom brings up people online (true crime, not comedians) seriously suggesting "Garth Brooks is a serial killer."
• Coping with Attention:
  • Bert on post-crisis media: “You get so much press when you almost die...” (10:53)

5. Health, Fitness, and Lifestyle

Timestamps: 23:04 – 26:23, 57:07 – 60:23

• Medications and Weight Loss:
  • Bert discusses being on Manjaro: “Everything’s changed...I was in the 40s on my waist, now I wear a 36.” (59:45)
  • The side effects and lifestyle changes, including wild bathroom stories.
• Nicotine Quitting:
  • The struggle to replace vices: “I have nothing to replace it with. When I replaced [nicotine], I replaced it with alcohol... every time I want a Zen, I'm gonna have a drink.” (34:01)
• Anxiety and Coping Tools:
  • Bert shares using journaling, exercise, and, humorously, porn, as anxiety coping alternatives.
• Fitness and Running:
  • Both discuss preparations for the Two Bears 5K, with Bert aiming for a sub-30 minute finish and Tom focusing on a training regimen.
  • “I ran a nine minute mile...I think I can break 30 minutes in the 5K.” (57:15)

6. Celebrity Behavior, Fame, and Nap Debates

Timestamps: 43:16 – 56:12

• Pop Culture Digression:
  • An extended, passionate rant (with Tom's bemused commentary) about singer Chappell Roan’s (whom Bert humorously mispronounces) handling of fan interactions and the perils of fame while sober.
  • Bert’s argument: Famous artists shouldn't forget the feeling of being a fan and the value in giving time back.
• Naps, Science, and John Bernthal:
  • Bert (defensively) celebrates his napping habit following a John Bernthal anti-nap podcast rant.
  • “Let me tell you who else takes naps. You ready for this? Jon Barenthal, LeBron James, Usain Bolt, Roger Federer...And by the way, I treat my body just like LeBron James.” (51:47)
  • Napping, recovery, and the new science of sleep are championed by Bert as vital for creativity and health.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Surviving the Bus Fire:
  “If we’d been on the bus, no one would’ve gotten out, because we all sleep in the back of the bus. The front caught on fire... There’s no getting out.” – Bert (06:03)
• On Press & Attention After a Close Call:
  “You get so much press when you almost die.” – Bert (10:53)
• On Podcasts vs. Stand-up:
  “Cutting back was—my standup’s better. Ticket sales are better. I think people were like, I just want to see you on stage. Enough.” – Bert (01:10)
• On Embracing Mortality:
  “I have a hard time processing the almost died part of it. I think it’s easier to process losing your home.” – Bert (07:31)
• On Nicotine and Booze Replacement:
  “I have nothing to replace it with... When I replaced it, I replaced it with alcohol. Every time I want a Zen, I'm gonna have a drink.” – Bert (34:01)
• On the Comedy Material Grind:
  “That’s the thing I’ve learned, people don’t like if you do a bit here [on a podcast], they don’t like it on a special. But, guys, that’s how it works sometimes.” – Bert (63:37)
• On Napping as a Competitive Edge:
  “LeBron James, Napper. Usain Bolt naps. Roger Federer, big napper...and by the way, I treat my body just like LeBron James.” – Bert (51:47)
• On Epstein Files Absurdity:
  “I am a spam ad in Jeffrey Epstein’s email list—a spam ad for my show, March 21st–23rd.” – Bert (67:43)

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• Bert’s Bus Fire Story Unfolds: 01:20 – 13:00
• Reflections on Death & Health Battles: 07:31 – 14:30
• Material, Fame, and Standup Craft: 14:30 – 25:10; 61:05 – 65:10
• Internet Rumors, Epstein Files Segment: 18:20 – 22:00; 67:30 – 74:10
• Fitness, Running, Life on the Road: 57:07 – 60:23
• The Chappell Roan Story/Rant: 43:16 – 49:21
• Debating the Value of Naps: 51:04 – 56:12

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Tone / Vibe

The conversation is classic Bears: riffy, personal, a bit raucous and at times unexpectedly reflective. Jokes about mortality are intertwined with real vulnerability; banter gives way to sincere advice or confession. The hosts keep things irreverent and self-deprecating, full of inside jokes, and peppered with references to stand-up, internet rumors, and pop culture. Fans of the show will find the episode both cathartic and hilarious—unfiltered, intimate, and thoroughly "2 Bears."

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Conclusion

This episode captures Bert navigating the literal and existential ashes of a life on tour, cheered on (and ribbed) by Tom. Together, they transform disasters, scandals, and personal anxieties into exactly the kind of laughter—and weird wisdom—that keeps their audience coming back.

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End of Summary

Transcript

[A]

100%. I'm lowering my compression socks. All right.

[B]

Welcome to another episode of Two Bears One Cave, as Bert removes his compression socks.

[A]

I'm an old man now, Tom.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I keep saying I'm a snowman in March.

[B]

What does that mean?

[A]

I'm dying.

[B]

Oh. Oh, you've never looked better.

[A]

God's taking swings at me.

[B]

Diet is looking good on you, man.

[A]

Death looks good on me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I was on stage last night in Ottawa. Ottawa.

[B]

Ottawa.

[A]

And I was like. I was like, my life is unrecognizable from three months ago. I had two dogs three months ago, my kids were in la. I had no blood clots. I had a bus. I had all the shit going on. And then this woman just goes, what about your rosacea? I was like, thanks, lady.

[B]

Thanks, lady. Well, we should, like, discuss it, because God knows you're gonna talk about it incessantly.

[A]

I haven't talked about it yet.

[B]

I know. This is the best.

[A]

I don't really do a podcast as much anymore.

[B]

Well, this is the best thing. It's the best life to live. Don't do it too much.

[A]

I gotta be honest with you. Cutting back was the. My standup's better. Ticket sales are better. I think people were like, I just want to see you on stage. Enough.

[B]

No, but let's talk about it for real, because I. I wake up, like many people did, open my phone, and I can't even believe the image that you post, that your tour bus burned to a crisp.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So what happened? Like, what actually happened?

[A]

So we were Fargo.

[B]

Yeah, that's how most people say it, too. Fargo, Fargo. That's what people say.

[A]

Fargo gets me every time. Last time, we slid off into an

[B]

embankment on the bus.

[A]

On the bus. And the bus got stuck. And then everyone was making jokes about it. You're back to Fargo, what's gonna happen this time? And this is what happened. We get done the show in Fargo. We're heading to Cedar Rapids, and we had a blowout. We had a blowout. It was crazy. I live streamed it. It's on my Instagram. But we had a blowout, and the tire ripped off the wheel well.

[B]

As you're driving.

[A]

As we're driving, it rips off, rolls next to the bus, lands next to the bus, like, five feet from the actual rim. The rim is bare. And we're, like, in the mid. We're an hour outside Fargo in the middle of a field. There's a huge snowstorm. Roads are icy. Trucks are flying down the road. And I get out we live stream. I sit for two hours. Have a cigar.

[B]

And how many people are with you on the bus at this point?

[A]

So both we have traveled with three buses.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I have one bus that's crew, another bus that's crew, and then our bus is me, Ian Finance, Pat Berger, my trainer, Alex, and Kyle, my assistant.

[B]

And the driver.

[A]

And the driver, Dewey. And so Dewey blowout. Dewey handles it perfectly, pulls it over. We sit for two hours, and they're like, all right, what are we going to do? We can't get a guy out here. They're going to come out tomorrow morning to switch the tires. And I'm like, I'm going to stay with the boss. My bed's there. Everything's there. And they're like, we may not be able to get a tire in time to get you to Cedar Rapids, so why don't you get into a bunk and we'll drive you to Cedar Rapids? And I'm like, no. And they're like, it's the best bet. Like, that way we know we can be there for the show. We don't know when the bus will get here. And all my stuff's on the bus, so I don't want to leave the bus. But I'm like, we've been waiting for two hours. We don't know when a tire's coming. We're like, all right, fuck it.

[B]

And when you say. Just when you say stuff, like, what kind of. What are we talking about?

[A]

My hats.

[B]

Your hats? You have a lot of hats.

[A]

I have everything I have. I just done. We were watching Anchorman 2, and there's a scene in Anchorman 2. They're like, Ron, you're making fondue on our. On our bus. And you have all these bowling balls. What do you have all this stuff for? He goes, oh, I got it on cruise control. And then they show everything flying around their bus. I had done a video that day of all the loose stuff next to my bed. I have a hatchet. I have knives. I have a trophy. I have two trophies.

[B]

What is with all the knives?

[A]

I have no idea. I collect knives on the road. I just buy knives on the road. And so I have so much accumulated. So much stuff. I have nine gallons worth of cigars, three new boxes, all my clothes. I have everything. I live in this bus. I live in this bus. All my medications, everything. So I pack a bag, I grab my bedding, I pack a bag as quick as I can just to do the show in Cedar Rapids. We get on our buses, we get in bunks. We pull into Cedar Rapids that morning, they wake me up, and they're like, I wish. I don't think women should ever deliver bad news. Yeah, they don't have the heart for it. You know, I think that all women could take a class in just one of those guys from the 50s that would deliver bad news to families who lost a kid in the war, where he just walked up and he goes, I got bad news. Your son's dead. You know, Marcy, my door manager, goes, okay, we're all fine. And I was like, what's going on?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

She was like, it's Doobie's. Okay. And I was like, wait, what the fuck's happening? And she was like, we're gonna get through this. I go, what the fuck? I literally lose. I go, what the fuck, Marcy? And then Kyle goes, the bus caught on fire. And I went, wait, what? And he goes, yeah. And then they say to me, Marcy says, a little smoke damage and a little water damage, but it should be fine.

[B]

It looks good. It looks really good.

[A]

And Kyle pulls up this picture, and I go, marcy. She goes, I haven't seen that picture yet. And I'm like.

[B]

So no one was on the bus.

[A]

What Dewey was when it started that morning, he was on the bus waiting for the tire, and he heard a pop. I mean, these are all allegedly. Only because there's. I'm sure there's an insurance claim. And I'm just telling you what Dewey told what I've heard through the grapevine. He heard a pop. And within 15 seconds, the entire front cabin was filled with smoke. And within 30 seconds, it was all aflame. It was completely on fire.

[B]

An electrical fire started.

[A]

We're guessing electrical fire started in the ceiling. Within 30 seconds, the entire bus was on flames. Dewey got out. He got out. He didn't have time to grab anything. He literally got out, and the bus was on fire in 30 seconds. And we would have all been asleep in it, and no one would have been able to get out. Without a doubt, no one would have gotten out, because we all sleep in the back of the bus. The front of the bus caught on fire. There's no getting out. There's an escape I couldn't have gotten. There's no windows in the back. The little window in the back, back, back is too small for me to get out. The escape latch, which I never knew I had above my bed.

[B]

It's cool to not know that. You know what I kept thinking?

[A]

You'd think I would have learned Tom, I got on a bus last night, and we're driving across a bridge from Toronto to Ottawa to Toronto.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it was, like, windy, and it was snowing. And I was like, I should look for the escape hatches in this bus. Just God forbid we fall into the water off this bridge. Because that was the crazy thing is, like, the whole week it was crazy winds. So you get off to North Dakota and there's crazy winds. So it's like, God's giving you a dui. So the bus is getting pushed and pushed. But then the big thing is everyone just wrote, this is AI.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I was like, yeah, that's what I'd use AI for. Not to get pictures of my wife and turn her into a fucking whore.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, you use it for this.

[A]

I have the best AI pictures of Leanne, I'm sure.

[B]

Yeah, I think I've seen a few.

[A]

But it's crazy, you know, there's no comparison. I was telling you, the death thing hits. I've had so many close calls with death. I have the blood clot in the leg that traveled to my lungs that we caught in the nick of time. I'm on blood thinners. I have this bus. I haven't drank. I have no tap out, so I have no. Like, I haven't been able to drink vodka and have a drink and be like, wow. Or I have nothing. No weed, no nothing for, like, two and a half months. So. But it's like I have a hard time processing the almost died part of it. I think it's easier to process losing your home.

[B]

Your hats.

[A]

Yeah, my hats. My hats. I had so many hats.

[B]

So many hats.

[A]

So many hats. I had so many great hats. I had leather pants on there.

[B]

When I processed this photo, I kept thinking, like, man, if you had died, that would have been my machine story, you know? Can I tell you, like, I would have been touring for years. Be like, when I was 46, my best friend died in a bus fire.

[A]

Wow. That would have racked it up.

[B]

Shows.

[A]

When I was 46 years old, my best friend died in a bus fire.

[B]

People would be like, here we go. Oh, shit. Yeah, I would have.

[A]

I gotta be honest with you. Burning to death's not the way I want to go. No, I want to go out. I wouldn't mind going out with that bus. I love that bus.

[B]

So are you, in a weird way, though, are you kind of excited to get a new bus?

[A]

No. Can I tell you what Leanne said? And by the way, she's welcome. She's here. She can defend herself.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I said to her like that that day, the bus is still smoldering.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I said, by the way, if you see the video of the person who drove by the bus. Did you see that?

[B]

I don't think so. Were they like, you can't park here?

[A]

No, no, One of those. But they're driving by, and they had just seen my show. I don't know where you'll find it. They're just driving by my show. They just come from my show. They spent the night, and they're driving by, and it shows you how bad the fire was. There was no getting out of this bus. I mean, it was Tom. It was. I have it. I'll send it to you. The. Kyle has it. I'm sure Kyle has it. Kyle send it to you. But. So the bus is smoldering. I say to Leanne, what the fuck are we going to do about this tour? I still have two months left. I have two months until we go into production for the show, and then I have. I'm on tour until 2027 is when I shoot my special. So I have, like, a lot of tour dates left. And I said to Leanne, am I gonna. Are we gonna buy another bus or build another bus? And Leanne says, the bus is still smoldering. I don't know. How much longer are you gonna be doing this for, huh? Look at that. Look at that. Tomorrow, go do it. See it again.

[B]

Look at.

[A]

This is the fire. Jesus. Yeah.

[B]

They could have slowed down a little bit.

[A]

Yeah, I know. And by the way, they knew it was me.

[B]

They did. And they're like, he's dead. That's crazy.

[A]

They had been to my show. They had been to my show.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And they knew it was me. Dude, you get so.

[B]

Such a serious photo.

[A]

I know. You get so much press when you almost die.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, it's crazy. Like, it's like People magazine reached out, like, every. Like, TMZ got it right away. They got it. This is the second time they thought I was dead. Welcome to the End, everybody. It's a storytelling show. Me and my comedian friends, we're all telling true and really terrible stories into a toddler's face. Wild three Sometimes regretful Every s T horrible. I'm gonna fuck you up. An amazing story we just got started. I'm gonna stop the terrorists. You're in trouble.

[B]

Best reality, huh?

[A]

It's gonna be a good night. It's gonna kill us all. Come on.

[C]

About the beat.

[B]

F. You should be in jail.

[A]

Hey, man, are you okay? I actually do. Well, you don't fucking talk to me, okay? I am a disciple of the Lord dining this fight.

[B]

How did I get here?

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

First time was a heart attack and I played it. I milked it.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. I didn't. I didn't let anyone reply to their.

[B]

Did you do it as much as you did on Club Shay Shay? Because that's still the funniest thing I've ever seen of you.

[A]

What?

[B]

When he goes. So he looks at his notes, he's like, you lost everything. And then you got it back and you went, yeah. And you didn't correct him at all. You just. I was like. I fucking was in tears. You're like, wait, what's he talking about? You're like, huh?

[A]

The look on my face, the actual look. Scared.

[B]

You look scared.

[A]

Gillis texted it to me. And he goes, the actual look on your face is hysterical. And I hadn't seen it. I remember it happening. And I remember Joe came up to me and was like. He goes, can I ask you a question? I go, yeah. And he goes, eddie Bravo called me the other day. I was taking a shit. And he goes. He goes, there it is.

[B]

You look so scared. Wait, we have to set this up so that people know.

[A]

So Joe. I see Joe. This is the night before I'm doing Joe's. I see Joe and he comes up, right up to me, you know, when Joe has, like, something, he goes, hey, I gotta ask you a question. He goes, eddie Bravo called me the other day. I'm taking a shit. And he goes, did Berkreischer lose everything and then get it all back? And I go, absolutely fucking not. And he goes, well, he was on Club Shay Shay, and he said he lost it all and got it back. And I go, by the way, I did the interview. I said so much more wild shit than that. That's the last thing I think of. And I went, oh, yeah. And Joe goes, that is so you.

[B]

Yes, it is.

[A]

To not want confrontation and to want the guy's story to be good. So I just went, yeah, but I don't remember it.

[B]

And then I know, because I know you. When I saw the clip, I see him just say this. And I see you go like. Like, what do. Do I correct him? And you just. You just go, like. Because he's like. He clearly just got bad information and was just like, you lost it all. And instead of being like, what are you talking about? You're just like, yeah, here, play this. Look at Burst Face. And he goes, did Bert Kreischer lose

[A]

everything and then get it back? I go, what?

[B]

He goes, he was on Shannon Sharp show, and Shannon says to Bert, you

[A]

lost it all built back up. And he goes, it seemed like it wasn't true. I go, it's not true.

[B]

Did Burt go along with it?

[D]

He goes, yeah.

[A]

I go, what? Did you believe you could build it back up? You're like, after you lost it, what did I do wrong? Where did I go wrong? And if I ever get back in this situation again, I promise you it won't happen again. I wish I was that insightful.

[B]

He just answered.

[A]

I just was like. I was like, that's. Were you married? You lost everything? You. So I've never been good with it. I just, you know, I literally was like, what story do I have adjacent to this?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Because I have. You know, everyone's got their, like, hero story they tell.

[B]

I could see the wheels turning.

[A]

I was like, what? Like. Cause I was like, Leanne and I, when we had Georgia, we were broke, but everyone's been broke. I didn't lose it all. Like, I spent money, but, you know. And then I was like. And then when I got fired from Travel center and I still had money, but that's a good hero. And I was like, I think I told a mixture of both.

[B]

That is so funny, dude.

[A]

That is if any. Can I tell you, there's, like, a couple things that have happened in my life where I go where I realize you're not my. You're not supposed to like me. Like, if you. If that gets you angry and you leave a comment, you're like, this is why I hate. You were never supposed to like me. It's that. Because that is who I am. That is. I can't. I'll never be able to change that. That. And when I was reading Prompter during the Tom Brady roast, that is exactly who I am. That I'm never going to not be that guy. So if those two things upset.

[B]

There's three, though.

[A]

What's the third?

[B]

Because the third would be the official Kreischer Epstein file documents from the Department of Justice. It's pretty crazy. This is great.

[A]

Did you see that? Fluffy, like, had to make a statement.

[B]

No.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What did he say?

[A]

He's in The FC files, too. Well, and it's the same as mine. He's just at the. He was at the West Palm Improv or Birth the car. Whatever. Yeah.

[B]

And they were just like, who's playing this week?

[A]

So this. Let me see this.

[B]

You're at the. You're at the bottom. It's pretty detailed.

[A]

It's pretty detailed, Bert. Oh, my God. It's the same date. Is today.

[B]

Is it really?

[A]

Yeah. March 21st through 23rd. Oh, I'm going to be at. I have a Comedy Central special birth conqueror trip flip.

[B]

Yeah. And then it goes into some. You guys did. But the.

[A]

It basically says, I'm at the West Palm Improv.

[B]

Right. Which. Who else lives in Palm Beach?

[A]

He didn't even. He didn't even reply to get tickets.

[B]

He just wanted to know who was playing and who.

[A]

Wait, I'm a spam email of his. I'm a spam to Jeffrey Epstein.

[B]

He just wanted to know.

[A]

Bob Saget's in here. Tracy Morgan's. Wait, there's a lot of this. Everyone that was at the. Are you in here? You were playing the West Bomb in Broad then.

[B]

No, he didn't want to go.

[A]

Bullshit.

[B]

I didn't make it, dude.

[A]

Dracon Morgan, Bob Saget.

[B]

We tried. We asked.

[A]

Wait, Tom's got to be in here.

[B]

It's not. Believe me. You can search the.

[A]

Drew Carey.

[B]

Stop throwing other people under the bus. Let's talk about you.

[A]

Bruce Kerr's new booking event. These are comedy classes. These are all from the Improv.

[B]

What did you and him do for real? This is your chance to come clean.

[A]

I never met Jeffrey Epstein.

[B]

You see that guy? That guy that. They're like, epstein's alive.

[A]

Yeah. And then making money off.

[B]

Yeah. He came out. He was like, I'm just a guy. I look like him, I guess. How horrible. But he did the right thing, which is like, don't. Don't get upset about it. He just kind of leaned in and was like, no, I just have a.

[A]

He's making money off of it.

[B]

How's he making money off of it?

[A]

He's doing, like, parties and, like.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

Like. Yeah, the. Only. The Onlyfans guy died.

[B]

What?

[A]

Only the guy who started Onlyfans and died. Onlyfans. He just died today. I knew that guy.

[B]

You did?

[A]

Yeah, they did a roast of me on Onlyfans.

[B]

Oh, that's right.

[A]

Yeah. And so I met him, and I guess he died. He's 43 years old. Damn. Onlyfans owner.

[B]

That's young, dude.

[A]

I know. 43.

[B]

Does it say what he. Why he died?

[A]

I mean, at 43, it's got to be something, you know? It's got to be.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, cancer. Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Oh, for real?

[B]

That's what it said.

[A]

What do you think it was, suicide or drugs?

[B]

Oh, well, yes, the other stuff.

[A]

43, cancer. That doesn't seem fair. Would you rather cancer? I would been thinking about this a lot lately because the. The My two near death experiences. One was with Leanne right where I was. And. And we were in the hospital room and I got bad news. We had to find out how bad it was. And I was like, this is real. And the other one would have been instant. I just would have died, not say goodbye to anyone.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So which one do you think you'd want?

[B]

I think you probably would want to say goodbye. Right?

[A]

Well, like, Push had cancer. How was that? Like, was that fun?

[B]

Yeah, it was a great time.

[A]

Yeah. No, but did you do stuff like go for a walk in the park?

[B]

Yeah, but the thing is, when like this guy, they said long battle. It was. He probably had a. I'm assuming here, like a terminal diagnosis, you know. So hers was different in that he had one procedure, revealed it was more, had another procedure. Then you kind of confirm that it's no longer there. It's not spreading your system. It's more like a wake up, sobering moment in life. Yeah, but it wasn't a terminal diagnosis.

[A]

Does it change her entirely? Does she drink white wine anymore?

[B]

Yes, sometimes. But she definitely had a huge change in perspective.

[A]

Really?

[B]

For sure. Yeah.

[A]

So, I mean, I haven't. I've had two near death experiences and we've lost both our dogs and I. And I'm. I have. And my perspective has not changed entirely.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But all. Well, I'm wondering if I should throw a party the day I can start drinking.

[B]

I'm wondering what's the day you're allowed to start drinking?

[A]

July 11th.

[B]

Why is it that day?

[A]

Six months. I gotta be on these blood thinners

[B]

for six months and then you're good to go.

[A]

And then, I mean, I think. I mean, if they keep me on blood thinners, I will simply drink on blood thinners.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, I don't know.

[B]

Are you still on the jab? The Manjaro?

[A]

Yeah. Yeah, dude. Everything's changed. I. I mean, I. I was. If you look at my life, does

[B]

Manjaro change your shits? I forgot that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

How so?

[A]

Oh, they're like this, my asshole.

[B]

Just really? That's not good.

[A]

Oh, it's. They're wild. And then every single time, every single time. And I don't feel like I have. I have any shit left in me. And if I just sit there, I keep shitting. You know those people. I think I told you this, this joke. I wrote this after Manjaro. You know those people that can sit down at a piano and just start playing?

[B]

You can just do that with shitting.

[A]

With toilets.

[B]

Really?

[A]

I sit on the toilet and I just start playing. I can sit on the toilet and start shitting. I sit on the toilet and just happens just at any time. If I sit on the toilet right now, I'll start shitting. So you're just ready to go at all times.

[B]

That's hilarious.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, Jesus Christ.

[A]

Jack Osborne texted me and he went in my bus. But the crazy is all the people that reached out to find out, like, Chris DiStefano. For as much as like, a silly. He's a ball buster. He's the sweetest guy.

[B]

He is the sweetest guy.

[A]

He really is. He's the first person to text me when my TV show came out. And he was the first person to text me when my bus burned down.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. He was like. He was like, hey, man, I just saw your boss. I know how much you love that thing or whatever, but Stefano was the sweetest. Tim Dillon.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What did he say? Looks like downtown Austin.

[B]

Mark something can stop the machine. That's pretty good, Mark.

[A]

Mark's got a new special out on Netflix. None too pleased. Ryan Sickler. A lot of people. I can't. What did Joe List say? Grateful you're alive. Tremendous photograph, by the way. I didn't take that photo. You can get out of comments. I don't read comments. It's another thing. Ever since I haven't drank, I haven't looked at a comment. I haven't looked at online. I've been very little online.

[B]

Good.

[A]

Yeah. I've been journaling like crazy. Today. I was journaling and I was saying how come I, like, I am, like, in first class. There was all, like, grownups. There's all business people that are coming down for a conference and they all. They're finance people and they're hedge fund guys and they're all big, big things and they're all dressed nicely. And I'm inarguably in a nice outfit. It's a cashmere tracksuit. And I'm wearing nice clothes also, but I don't feel like them. And they were all, like, confident, reading newspapers and doing. Getting work done, replying to Emails and I'm journaling about how scared I am of flying. And I just. I was like, well, I. And I'm. No, I'm not drinking. None of them are drinking. They're all having coffee. I'm having coffee, but I'm noticing it. It's making me jittery. And then I'm like, will I ever be like them? Like, or am I just never gonna be like a grownup?

[B]

I think you're always gonna be just like you, man.

[A]

But I wish I wasn't. I wish I. Out of all the things I want to get rid of as mice, I want to stop being afraid. Like, I don't. I'm afraid of flying. And I. And I. Sometimes it goes away. Sometimes flights are better. But like, I was thinking of you and John Mayer on the plane and you were. You said you enjoy turbulence.

[B]

I like flying a lot. I like flying and I like. Like, I was on a plane a couple days ago. I sat in the cockpit with the pilot and I was like. He was like, you want to. Do you want to take over the controls? I didn't even know him. And he was like. I go, yeah. He goes, go ahead. And he just started reading it on his iPad. And he was like, hey, hey, hey. Like, make sure you, you know, point that way and keep us at a thousand. I was like, all right, cool. I think we can all agree that online shopping has gotten dangerously easy, especially when you get to checkout and see that purple shop pay button that already has all your information locked and loaded. You can say thanks to Shopify for that CH Ching. Shopify is the platform behind millions of businesses around the world and 10% of all e commerce in the US from household names and brands like ours here at YMH. Not only is our merch store powered by Shopify, Christina trusts them with her cosmetic line, which may as well be her third child. Shopify possesses world class expertise in everything from managing inventory and international shipping to processing returns and 24. 7 customer support. Shopify will even help you get get your brand out there as if there was an entire marketing team beyond you. With easy to run email and social media campaigns. See less carts go abandoned and more sales go Cha Ching with Shopify and their shop pay button. Sign up for your $1 per month trial today at shopify.com bears go to shopify.com bears that's shopify.com bears a cha ching.

[A]

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Let me tell you, if there's anything I've learned lately, it's that you can't prepare for everything. As a matter of fact, you can't prepare for anything. I feel like. And it's the stress of the unexpected, the uncontrollable, the parts of life that you can't control that can be the hardest to cope with, especially when it comes to finances. What seems like a money problem can turn into a mood, sleep, or relationship problem faster than you think. Studies show that 88% of Americans are feeling some form of financial stress. So if that's you, you're not alone and you're not failing. That's why BetterHelp is a shining light in how important it is to have the right kind of support for financial stress. Therapy isn't about someone telling you how to budget. It's about having a place to unpack the anxiety and the pressures that come with trying to take care of yourself, plus all the people you love. When it comes to life, life can feel overwhelming. And therapy can help. Sign up and get 10 off at betterhelp.com bears that's better. H E L p.com bears but I like it.

[B]

You know, I don't say, I don't say I like turbulence, but I kind of laugh through some turbulence. I've been in really, really, really bad turbulence that is kind of alarming. Yeah. Kind of scary.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But for the most part, like, most bumps and stuff, it doesn't bother me. But that, I think that's just person to person. Like, there's certain things that don't bother certain people, you know, Like, I don't

[A]

want to be like, I the. With. With the booze. I don't really give a about it in my life at all. Like, I mean, I. If, if. When they said, you got to stop drinking for six months, Trust me, like, the first two days, I was like, he serious. My parents are in town. It's still like around Christmas or whatever. Everyone's still here. I want to party.

[B]

So funny that a guy in his 50s. There you go. You can't drink. You're like, my parents are in town. They're like, oh, okay.

[A]

Can I tell you what I was really thinking? They had given me half a Xanax when I got the blood clots and to lower my blood pressure to put me in the EKG or one of those machines. And I thought to myself, I'm gonna have a couple cocktails. When I get home, the Xanax is going to kick in double and I'm gonna pass out. I'm gonna sleep like a God. And she was like, you can't drink. And I was like, ooh. And I almost said, but I have half a Xanax in me. This is the best time to drink. Yeah, But I was angry. Like, the first week now it's like, whatever. I don't even really think about booze. I don't think about. I think about zins more than I do booze or nicotine more than I do booze.

[B]

You can't do that.

[A]

I could if I want to, but there's a girl I follow who's off it for two weeks. She's from Philly, and I watched her. That's the hardest thing to kick in the world.

[B]

Yeah, I'm pretty bad, bro.

[A]

How many are you doing a day?

[B]

I have no idea.

[A]

And you're rogue, right?

[B]

Mm, no idea.

[A]

I have three Lucy's. Lucy breakers in my bag for in case of emergency. Like, shit goes down. Cause I can't drink. Like, that's the. You know, I can't. Like, there's no tap out of it. Like, I was. I had an anxiety attack on the bus, when I still had the bus. I. I had an anxiety attack. Random. I have no idea where it came from. And I was like, whoa. I sat up where I'm like, oh, I can't get out of this. And then I was like, well, I can't have a drink and I can't have a Zyn, and I can't smoke weed, and there's no Xanax on this bus. And I was like, whoa, what am I going to do? And for a second, I was like, I'll smoke a cigar in my bathroom, I guess I was like, I need something to get myself away from it. Do you know what I did? I turned on porn and I was like, I wonder if I get aroused if that'll shut my brain off for the panic. And it did.

[B]

You watched porn?

[A]

I watched porn.

[B]

In the bathroom.

[A]

No, in my bed. I just turned on porn and then I started watching it. And it's so impressive that, you know, it's such a. So much bigger than anxiety that I started watching porn and I went, well, I'm not. I'm not having a panic. I'm not thinking about my panic right now. I'm thinking about that thing and that girl's pussy as she works behind the door. The desk of a bodega. It's one girl. I don't know how she got my algorithm.

[B]

That's crazy.

[A]

She has weird nipples, but she masturbates behind this bodega. And so. And. But I watched it, and it. And the arousal turned me off. Nicotine. I think about. I think about probably twice a day.

[B]

Yeah, I got.

[A]

I don't know, dude.

[B]

I should probably reduce.

[A]

How many you do in a day?

[B]

I really don't know. I really don't know. I'm not. I'm not exaggerating. I don't know.

[A]

Like.

[B]

Like, let's kind of. Okay, let's guess right now. So right now, here at the moment.

[A]

Oh, you're doing breakers, too.

[B]

No, hold on.

[A]

You're doing. Oh, let me see the nicotine.

[B]

This is not mine.

[A]

Who is this?

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

It's just.

[B]

Here,

[A]

go back. Oh, this is empty. Who the was using this?

[B]

I don't know. Somebody. It's empty. So it's two something right now. And I've had. I'm trying to think. One, two.

[A]

You have one when you wake up with coffee?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Everyone in the gym.

[B]

Yes. Okay, so hold on.

[A]

Put. Get in the car. You put one in.

[B]

Three got here. Sometimes they're like. I don't know if you do that. Sometimes they're. You go and put one in, and then whatever happens, you're like, oh, I've taken out, you know? So I would say today, let's say I'm on, like, five. Some of them were long, and some of them were like, real quick. Five or six.

[A]

Yeah, that's not that bad. Yeah. I used less nicotine when I chewed tobacco. When I chewed tobacco, I would. Do you chew? No, I did all of it. I've done all of it. Chew is my favorite. Chew is really great. Dip I love. But I could feel like dip was the worst for you. Dipping Copenhagen. I would do two a day, but if one zins, I was. I don't. I was maybe 10.

[B]

A day. Yeah.

[A]

And when. By the time I did. When. When I quit. And here's why I can't start. And I want to start so bad so badly. I want to start because I have nothing to replace it with. When I replaced it, I replaced it with alcohol.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I was like, I'm just kind of a drink. Every time I want to Zen, I'm gonna have a drink.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I have nothing to replace it with, so I don't want to get something in my life that I can't get rid of. Buy three Lucy Breakers.

[B]

And they just stay there.

[A]

Wintergreen. Do you look at them on the plane today? Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I was having fucking panic on the plane.

[B]

What's your panic? Dying.

[A]

It's dying. And it's dying. And now, like, this plane's going to go down. Yeah. And Air Canada had an accident yesterday. They did? Yeah. They ran into a fire truck and the pilot. The two pilots died on the ground in laguardia. Yeah.

[B]

No.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Rip the whole front of the cockpit off.

[B]

It's fire truck.

[A]

What? But. But that's the thing about death is it just shows up one day. It just shows up and then where's.

[B]

The video is right there at the top. What does it say? It says new video.

[C]

Hey, John. Yeah. We're getting our first look at the moment of impact between that Air Canada plane and a Port Authority fire truck. Take a look at this disturbing video. You can see the truck making its way down one of the runways. It's emergency lights moving straight. As it begins to turn, the Air Canada plane slams into the truck. And the truck appears to flip several times. That's when the plane looks like it loses control. And we know from scene photos that the nose of the plane was completely torn off. The Port Authority of New York and

[A]

New Jersey, the nose of the plane was completely torn off.

[B]

Which means how does.

[A]

Those guys died on impact.

[B]

How did that happen? Dude?

[A]

Like, dude, that happens. You know, I had. I had my. The last flight I had into la, we had an aborted landing where we went down, touched down and fucking took off again. And there was a Delta flight on the. On the tarmac that had just pulled out. And like, we did one of these, right? Touchdown. And then. And then went. And, dude, those. Here's the thing that I wish they did every now and then is just showed you how much power those planes have. So a lot of times at takeoff, and this is what gives me anxiety, they get going, say they like, out of 100%, they get. They take off at like, what, 60, 70, right? And then they put it at 40 and they fuck around at like 10,000ft before air traffic control. And that's where all the bumps are. Sorry? That's where all the bumps are. And that's where all the shit's going on. And that's where I'm having panic. Flying out of Teterboro. Sucks dick. You sit there forever because there's so much air traffic, and then you go, oh. And then they just casually get up there all that time, dude, when we touched down and took back off, that thing was at 10,000ft in three seconds. And we were at 25,000ft in five. I mean, we were like this. And I was like. And I was sitting next to a 95 year old woman who was drinking and she like grabbed onto the thing was like. And I was like, you're 95. What the fuck are you scared about? Like, this is it for you.

[B]

This is it.

[A]

She was like, I don't want to die either, dude. That's.

[B]

That feels like that's got to be the fire truck just being like our lights are on. Just go. And not realizing, like, yeah, you're not on the street, man.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, I don't know, but that. Right. It's like they just are cruising through a Runway like that. It's really.

[A]

How they not know that a plan and that by the way, you've landed. Like anyone who's got a fear of flying, the second you land, you're like, thank God. Yeah. And then that happens. It's like the one. It's like the member, the triple seven Air China that was going into San Francisco and you're about to touch down and they just missed the Runway by like a hundred feet. Clipped it. And then everyone fucking died.

[B]

Yeah. Wow.

[A]

I mean, and here's the thing that sucks about being on blood thinners.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Anything like that happens, and I die instantly. Because I can't. I won't clot.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, if, like, that's why I can't smoke weed or drink mostly is because if I fall, I just die.

[B]

Wait, how, How. How did Leonard Skynyrd. What was that? Was that a bus or a plane?

[A]

It was a plane. And this. I got the fucking real story.

[B]

The real story?

[A]

Yeah, the folklore story is so good.

[B]

What's the folklore story?

[A]

Folklore story. They're about, they get this jet and they're flying over Mississippi or Alabama, and it's bad weather and everyone's freaking out. And Ronnie Van stands up with a bottle of Jack Daniels, barefoot, no shirt on, with a vest and his hat on. And he goes. They go, well, listen, we're gonna. We're gonna. We're making an emergency land. And everyone's freaking out in the weather. There's lightning everywhere. Ronnie Van Sant stands up with a bottle of fucking Jack Daniels, goes, boys, if it's your time to go, it's your time to go. Fucking bring her down. And he doesn't get seat belted in and he dies. Everyone else survives. That's not what happened. He was asleep on the plane. Oh, I know. I talked to his brother about it.

[B]

You did?

[A]

Yeah. And then. And then it got really real.

[B]

Is he the only one who died?

[A]

I think a couple guys broke their back. I think everyone lived I think Ronnie Van Sant died.

[B]

But what's the other one? Buddy Holly, right? That's a plane crash.

[A]

Buddy Holly. Merle Haggard was supposed to be on that flight, and the Big Bopper had a. Had a. Had a flu, and he was like, let me fly on the plane so that I can get in a hotel room and get better. Was it Merle Haggard? I think it was. Merle Haggard was like, I'll just ride on the bus. The bus's AC was out, or heat was out, so it was freezing in the bus. So Merle Hagar got on the bus. He got on the plane, dude. Life, those little things like that. Like, if we hadn't had the blowout, I would have definitely been asleep on that bus, and I would have burned to fucking death. But, like, those little things like that are crazy.

[B]

Aaliyah. Aaliyah.

[A]

Aaliyah. Too much luggage.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

She was like, that's. That's. I mean, that's like.

[B]

Yeah. Apparently, too. They were like, telling them this is too much, and they're like, go, yeah, take off.

[A]

That's the arrogance of. Of fame.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Of just.

[B]

It might not have even been her. It might have been like, oh, it's the crew.

[A]

You know, I almost guarantee you it wasn't Aaliyah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's what happens for me on the road.

[B]

Handlers.

[A]

Handlers go, hey, don't. Don't make eye contact with birds.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then I'm like, who told you that? And they're like, that's what they said. And don't talk to them. And, you know, I'm like, I never said that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then they're like, but they said. And you're like, jesus Christ.

[B]

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[A]

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[B]

The woman?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

She's a woman singer.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What happened with her?

[A]

The Pink Pony Club. Pony Pony Pony Club. She's that girl. She Is she the one that was

[B]

wearing that crazy dress?

[A]

The best dress at the Oscars, right?

[B]

That one, right?

[A]

The nipple rings. Yeah. Yeah. Apparently she's notoriously cool. Like across the board. She has not been kind to her fans.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And I get it a little bit. I understand you guys a little bit sober. Fame is a tad bit rigid. It can be somewhat tedious sober when you're drinking. No one should complain. Fame is fucking awesome. You have. You have a blur. It's like someone took Vaseline over your face and just went. And then everything's great. Someone comes up, dude, I fucking love you. Oh, thanks. Let me buy you a drink. Okay, right. Sober it can be. Because drunk people come up to you like dud. And you're like, okay. Like when you're sober. That's why I can understand when you're like, I'm with my family. I never was like that. I get it a little bit. But chaperone has been rough to her fans. She's like, just because I sing doesn't mean you have access to me. You're not allowed to come up to me and say hi. You're not allowed to say that you're a fan. Know your place. I'm the artist, you're my fan.

[B]

Are you paraphrasing?

[A]

Oh, I think I'm. Go ahead, pull it up. I mean, I'm not, you know, I don't like. I'm not a fan of her music. It's not made for me though. But Jude Law's ex wife and her new husband who is a soccer star, right? He's a footballer. He's been famous for 25 years, 27 years. Jude Law's 11 year old daughter saw chaperone. Now I'm leaning towards Jude Law's ex wife and the husband story a little more than chaperones because chaperone's got damage control to do. And by the way, she shot her video in a bed like the laziest she could have shot her apology video. And by the way, also, I have a bad taste in my mouth for chaperone.

[B]

That's clear.

[A]

Well, I don't like that, dude. It's like, give me. You forget what it's like to not be making money and want to do the art? I don't. So when people come up to me, as tired and as sober as I may be, I make sure to give them a minute so that we can have a moment. Because I also do that to famous people. So I understand it. She forgot what it's like. And so Jude Law's 11 year old daughter walks by Chaperone. They're eating breakfast. She sees Chaperone. She goes, oh my God, it's fucking Chaperone. Now, mind you, her dad and her stepfather are both famous. Very famous. Very, very famous. She just walks by the table to see if it really is her and it is. And then she goes back to the table and kind of freaks out. It's Chaperone. Chaperone's security guard comes up and chastises her in front of the family, says. What are the exact words? You can read this? What does she say? Confronted the girl and said, scroll down, maybe. Regardless, the security guard chastised the lemonade.

[B]

The guard threatened to report them to the hotel. Right. He spoke extremely aggressively. The child. It was just a child admiring someone. Yeah. Okay.

[A]

And so Chaperone's apology video is like, her laying on her side on a bed. Not really even, like, taking the time to, like, sit up in a drive. She's like, that didn't happen. It's like, I would never do that. She would. She has done that. She 100% has done that. Like, not to an 11 year old, but she has done that. That's the reason everyone believes the story is because you did it. That's the reason that, like, when the MeToo shit happened, and then you be like, oh, I. That guy's got a reputation. That's the reason everyone feels that way, is she has done that. And then she's like, I don't. That is not even my security. Look at this. It's not even my security.

[E]

On my half of the story of what happened today with a mother and child who were involved with a security guard who is not my personal security. I didn't even see. I didn't even see a woman and a child. Like, I did not. No one came up to me. No one bothered me. Like, I was just sitting at breakfast in my hotel. I think these people were staying at the hotel as well. The fact that, like, a security guard who was. I did not ask the security guard to go up and talk to this mother and child. I did not. They did not come up to me. They weren't doing anything. It's unfair for security to just assume

[A]

someone doesn't have good security is doing that because, I mean, just to be fair, you have a reputation of being upset with people maybe. Yeah, Yeah. I mean, like. Like, there's a reason when I get off stage, usually someone has a drink waiting for me. But no, it's because I drink.

[B]

You should do a video like this. I was just, like, getting off stage and like, this guy brought me a drink.

[A]

This guy. But it's like, it's Jude Law's daughter. So that's not a mother and a child. You know, I'm not a fucking idiot. You think I'm a fucking idiot? You're a fucking idiot. You think I don't know that? You know, it's Jude Law's. The only reason you're addressing this is that it's Jude Law's daughter. The only reason you're bringing this up is Jude Law's daughter was. By the way, it's Jude Law's daughter. She's not. She knows what it's like to get her dad. Get recognized. You know what I mean? Like, she wasn't going to be like, if my daughters saw someone they were. That was famous and they have. They give. They. They definitely recognize people, but they don't fucking blow up their spot. And I know Jude Law's daughter probably wouldn't like. It's chaperone. Her dad's fucking famous. Her stepfather's fucking famous. I don't know why I'm so fucking passionate.

[B]

You are really passionate.

[A]

It's like. It's like, you know what? Chaperone. Just say hi or. Yeah, I don't know. It's like, you know.

[B]

All right, you can take that down.

[A]

I just. I don't know.

[B]

I. Yeah, that's.

[A]

Whatever. No one gives a. About chaperone.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

I mean, it's. It's a stupid thing. Our fans aren't like. Tell more about chaperone. Bert.

[B]

I really. I mean, where's she from? Here?

[A]

Chapel Hill.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. American singer. Okay.

[A]

She's from Missouri.

[B]

Really? Huh.

[A]

It was a slave state.

[B]

That's on her. Yeah, that's definitely.

[A]

They chose that, too. Yeah, they chose that. That's kind of pushed the whole. That's why we have Maine is because of Missouri.

[B]

That's why we have Maine.

[A]

Yeah. Maine wasn't a thing, and they chose slaves. And then we had to go like, well, we want one without slaves. So, like, Massachusetts. Can you, like, break off the top and give us. We'll call it Maine. And that's how we have Maine.

[B]

That sounds like a Bert story, but kind of.

[A]

You're right. It may be. I don't know. I don't know. Can I tell you another thing that I'm really upset about?

[B]

What?

[A]

And listen, I don't want to get into beef with John Barenthal.

[B]

Oh, boy.

[A]

I'll drop it. Never mind.

[B]

You're going to get in beef with him now.

[A]

I would say he started it with you. Not with. With my. With my people.

[B]

With your people.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

When you're talking about people talking about whites or what?

[A]

No, nappers. He went after nappers. And a lot of people are going after nappers right now.

[B]

Don't take naps.

[A]

People that don't take naps are coming after people that take naps. He's just like, naps are pull Up John Barenthal napping. And it's like, it's the way he taught. Look at this. Oh, wow. Look at this. I don't take naps. I don't. You take naps? I don't take naps, man. I don't take naps. I just don't have time for naps, man. That, that's, that's. That's where the birds.

[B]

Man, I just ain't doing that. Dude. This takes naps.

[A]

I don't trust people to take naps. Dude.

[B]

I just found that he doesn't take naps. Dude, you grown ass man. No, you did. Yeah, it's like, dude, like the whole world's moving while you're napping, bro. It's. I can't with a nap. Well, he just doesn't like naps and

[A]

he doesn't with people to take naps. Yeah, so he doesn't with me. That's what I heard. I don't fuck with Burt. He takes naps. Let me tell you who else takes naps. You ready for this? Jon Barenthal, LeBron James, Napper. Usain Bolt naps. Roger Federer, big napper. The greatest athletes in the world nap.

[B]

I like how you're like greatest athletes in the world.

[A]

And me, and me. And by the way, I treat my body just like LeBron James.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I do all the recovery. I sleep. I'm sleeping roughly 12 hours a day right now. It's amazing. I sleep so good. And I nap every day. I fucking nap. I shut it down at like five o' clock every day for one hour. I go to my bunk. Now I go to my bunk. I would go to my bed in the bus and I shut it down for one hour. And I perform that night spectacularly.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I achieve big things, but I nap. And let me tell you something. Pull up. Napping.

[B]

Pull up.

[A]

Usain Bolt woke up from a nap before he set the world record. He had been napping 30 minutes before.

[B]

Can I ask you this? What are you sleeping 10 to 12 hours a night at night?

[A]

I sleep about 10 hours a night.

[B]

And then you still have a nap.

[A]

And I have an hour nap every day. Look at this. Bolt famously napped before his 100 meter Olympic gold medal. He napped? Yeah, he napped. He considers sleep the most vital part of his training regimen. John Barenthal is, by the way, very talented actor. Love everything he does. I think Jon Berenthal's awesome except for this nap bullshit. He's not living to his optimization, in my opinion, because napping is great for Winston Churchill naps, Dude, fucking. Have you ever been to the countries where napping, the siesta in Spain is the fucking dopest shit alive. You go to a country that shuts down the country. You know what he just said? I don't like Spanish people. That's what I heard.

[B]

That's what you heard.

[A]

I don't like Spanish people. I don't like Mexicans. Anyone who speaks Spanish, I don't like.

[B]

Well, Salvador Dali, Picasso, Spaniards napped. Winston Churchill, John F. Kennedy, Bill Clinton napped. Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Edison, Albert Einstein napped.

[A]

Roger Federer, LeBron James napped. These are all fucking great people. And they all napped. And I'm a napper and I cherish my naps. I love when I don't have a nap, I get fucked up. I like a nap, resets everything for me, and I nap so good, Tom, I can fall asleep in a nap within five minutes. Today I won't nap. I won't nap. By the way, John, sometimes I choose

[B]

not to nap, right?

[A]

Sometimes I don't nap.

[B]

Today you probably won't nap.

[A]

I won't nap today. But I fell asleep on the plane.

[B]

How was that?

[A]

Well, my alarm woke me up to get up to move for my blood clots. By the way, napping got me into this.

[B]

That's how you got into nap.

[A]

I fell asleep on a plane and I fucking woke up with blood clots.

[B]

So how often do you have to move?

[A]

Every 45 minutes. I have an alarm set on my phone.

[B]

And you stand up.

[A]

I have to stand up, go to the bathroom. I need to do 20 squats in the bathroom. I do roughly 100 to 120 squats every flight. But do you nap at all?

[B]

It's not like on the road.

[A]

On the road, because look, you got the boys here, you're busy, you're on the chicho bomba.

[B]

I think on the road, I still think it's not a daily regimen thing as much as it's case by, like, certain days, you go, yeah, I do take rest. Right. Like sometimes I don't actually fall asleep, but I'm like, I'm cooked right now. I just want to go lay down.

[A]

I think. I think you've been to the Latin American countries where they institute an app. Like, not. It's not even like, it's not a debate. The country says we're shutting down.

[B]

I mean, that's really in my experience, like, Spain is like.

[A]

It's Mexico.

[B]

Mexico maybe. I don't know. Does it do they? Spain is like cartels, all that.

[A]

The Spaniards definitely Spaniards nap.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like you can't find something open. No, they place three o' clock to like five o' clock every the, the. And by the way, I was in Spain. Georgia was studying abroad in Spain and we went over to visit her.

[B]

Yeah, dude. Yeah.

[A]

When the country tells you to nap, you nap. I, I've never napped better in my life.

[B]

Yeah, that's great.

[A]

I've never napped better in my life. And I just think, I think Jon Barenthal is part of the old regime of get up at 3 in the morning, work out, sleep two hours a night. Like that old man stuff. Like the man stuff of Mark Wahlberg, you know, Mark Wahlberg changed his story. He started sleeping more. Mark Wahlberg used to be like, I wake up at 4 in the morning every day. Now he's sleeping like 10 hours a day. The science is changing on sleeping.

[B]

God, I've never heard you so passionate about this.

[A]

Chaperone and sleeping are my two things. I'm really up and on pissed. If I could lean.

[B]

Can't nap, really.

[A]

If she naps, she has to have the lights on.

[B]

I, I don't. I'm not that great at. I have to actually be pretty cooked to get a good nap in, you know, it's not like I can do it daily. Yeah, yeah. I'm not, it's not that natural. I want to. Before I forget the 5K. The Two Bears 5K is coming up May 9th in Los Angeles. Pasadena, to be specific. If you go to 2bears5k.com you can sign up. There's going to be thousands of people there. We're going to have wild installations. We'll have a napping room. Netflix is.

[A]

We'll have a karaoke, singing chaperone.

[B]

We're going to have a lot of fun. Food, drinks, entertainment. It's always a good time. No matter your fitness level. You can do it, you can walk it.

[A]

Speaking of which.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Where are you at? Fitness wise?

[B]

I feel I was, I ran a lot. I feel. Not like it's that great, but I keep training for it.

[A]

Yeah. I ran a nine minute mile the other day.

[B]

That's great.

[A]

And so I think. I don't know if I could run three of them.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I think I can break 30 minutes in the 5K.

[B]

Great.

[A]

I think I can. I'm gonna do that first one. I'm gonna run, run. I'm gonna run with the fans. No, no, no. Maybe I'll do the second one.

[B]

Are you. Are you saying you're gonna try?

[A]

Oh, I'm running it twice.

[B]

But you're gonna try to run one of them harder?

[A]

I was gonna run one hard to see what I do.

[B]

You.

[A]

It'll probably be the first one. What am I talking about? The second one. Yeah. What am I fucking doing? So will you.

[B]

When you do that, will you try to just, like, figure out the pace or you go, I'm just going to run hard until I gas out. Like, how will you, like, figure that out?

[A]

No. So what I do is I only know this because I did this outside the other day. I ran three miles outside. I start slow and then just build. So that last mile will be sub 10. The first mile will probably be around 10:30. The middle mile will be 10. And then the last mile will be like nine minutes a mile.

[B]

Oh. So you start a little bit.

[A]

I'm gonna. You gotta start a little slow.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And. And then build. I don't go like. Like, if you go sub 10 for the whole thing, try to. Yeah. You're gonna fucking kill yourself. What you do? What I do is I go for that. I did that on the half marathon. I did the last 6 miles sub. Sub 10 and got a much better time. But, like, the last six miles, I did sub 10. Six fucking miles, sub 10.

[B]

So start not at your best.

[A]

No. Start and feel good. You have so much energy and, like, I mean, you know, when you start those, you have so much, like, anxious energy. Yeah. That you really start running faster than you think.

[B]

Well, I've. When that thing starts, by the way, for me, I feel like I'm running scared. Like, I feel my heart taking off like. Like that. Nervous to start that thing? So nervous.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I get scared running it.

[A]

Do you think we'll get Shaq to run it? Because I'm doing a show with Shaq that we. It's already sold out, but that week, me and Shaq are doing a show.

[B]

Do you think you can get him to do it? Run it?

[A]

Well, maybe not run. He takes five steps. He's done.

[B]

That's true. Do you want to tell him that? Come take five steps.

[A]

Almost just shit my pants.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. Do you smell it?

[B]

Not yet.

[A]

Do. Am I supposed to get off this Manjaro stuff?

[B]

I don't know. I don't know. How long you been on it? I don't know.

[A]

Since November.

[B]

What do you weigh now?

[A]

I have no idea. I stopped weighing myself. I just measure myself.

[B]

How are the measurements?

[A]

Smaller than I've ever been.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. Smaller Than I've ever been. Not as strong as I've ever been. Yeah, but pretty strong still.

[B]

Like, what's your waist down to?

[A]

Just 40 inches. But no but like, I wear a size 36. Yeah, but 40 actual inches.

[B]

Right, right, right. But you weren't a 36 six months ago.

[A]

No.

[B]

What kind of pants were you wearing then?

[A]

Bigger. Much bigger.

[B]

How big? You're not there anymore. Who cares?

[A]

I was in the 40s.

[B]

That's a wide range.

[A]

None of my belts fit.

[B]

They can't.

[A]

None of my belts fit. I had to get. I have one belt. None of my. Luckily, all my clothes burn, so I need new clothes. None of my jeans fit.

[B]

Wait, so where are we with the bus? Are you getting another bus?

[A]

No, I have five buses that they offered me that I can rent for two months. And then if I want, I can buy a bus. But no one's going to make the bus I made.

[B]

I understand.

[A]

And so.

[B]

And you won't pre order. You won't order another bus?

[A]

Make another bus. It took too long to make.

[B]

And how long are you going to do this for?

[A]

Can you believe she said that to me?

[B]

I mean, it's a reasonable point. Point, I guess.

[A]

How much longer are you gonna do this for?

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Do you think you'll go back out on tour?

[B]

Yeah. Not now.

[A]

Like, when I have nothing. I know.

[B]

I'm getting on stage tomorrow for the first time.

[A]

For real?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What are you talking about?

[B]

I don't know. Chat. GPT. I don't know. My boys.

[A]

You get on stage tomorrow for the first time at the Mothership. Yeah, I gotta go to San Francisco. I would love to stick around.

[B]

It won't be good, but you got to break the ice, right?

[A]

Dude, how do you.

[B]

How do you start over when you're. When it's time to start over?

[A]

So there's one story. I know. There's always one story. I know this is going to be a great story. I got to figure out how to

[B]

tell this as a new. As a new story.

[A]

And so I go. I just got to start working on it. What I love, what I love doing is not doing like crowd work that you see online where people yell shit at you, but really talking to the audience.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And that bottom of the barrel thing is really.

[B]

That's what I'm doing.

[A]

Oh, so great.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That is the best show. I wish they had one in la. I do it every single night. Yeah, I went to Joe's club when I first started with material and I just went up and then I have some stuff left over.

[B]

There's always a couple leftovers.

[A]

I have one leftover that I was like my starter to get me into places.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then. But right now I'm at the place where I have too much. I have like an hour 45 and I'm starting to tell which ones are weak. I had this great story about me and you when we went to that strip club and then. But it's a weak story. It's not that great. But it killed because you're in it. I had a bunch with you. I always have stuff with you. I had this great fucking one with you that was.

[B]

Are you doing an hour 45 every night?

[A]

Yeah, about.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

I know. I gotta stop. I gotta stop.

[B]

Yeah, you gotta.

[A]

I do. At least an hour 30. But that's also with the machine.

[B]

Yeah. I have a theory about this though.

[A]

I do too. And I think that a crowd would rather see 50 minutes.

[B]

I think if you can do tight 60, like it's tight. A tight 60, it's always better than a 90 minute show for the headliner.

[A]

I have a new bit that is so good. Do you know when the best bits are where you. Something happens and you don't know if you're going to be allowed to talk about it on stage?

[B]

Does it have to do with numbers?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Okay. I was like, what is this?

[A]

Dude, it is.

[B]

You're going to have to tell me this. So good.

[A]

It is so good.

[B]

And you just figured it out.

[A]

I went up. Well, it happened.

[B]

Well, now this is a bad story for a podcast. Be like, here's the thing. We're not gonna really tell you. Don't do that on a podcast.

[A]

Yeah, I can't. Well, that's the thing I've learned is that people don't like. If you do a bit here. They don't like it on a special. But guys, that's how it works sometimes

[B]

that's a crazy thing when people go, I heard you talk about it. Like, no shit.

[A]

That's where it came from. I had two great stories about Nate Diaz texting me and that boy at nascar that was. Can I take a picture with you?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Two great stories I told on a podcast. That murder on stage.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And every fucking time I see one dude, one dude in the front row

[B]

go, I know this.

[A]

I know this.

[B]

Yeah, I know, bro.

[A]

And I'm always like, dude, give me. I'm doing an hour 45. It's still fucking murders. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have one bit that is. That I. Leanne just said to me, are you doing that? And I went. I was like, I am. And she was like, I knew it. I knew it. And then that bit is murdering. I have the greatest. I have. Anytime. I have. I have so many fucking stories about you, right? I have. I have so many stories about you, but I get. I'm getting rid of all of them because it's kind of a cheat code, I think. Like, if I bring your name up, they go fucking nuts. And so then. And then. And then you're a character they know.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, like, they can kind of put it together.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But, yeah, I have too much material, and right now I'm trying to skinny it up. I don't have anything good about the girls. I don't live with us anymore. So, like, I used to have. I used to have, like. I used to have columns. I just fill, you know, like, stuff about the girls, stuff about Leanne, a sex thing, black guys this. And right now, it's just black guys.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Like, we were thinking about calling my special Black Guys.

[B]

Black guy's a great name for a special it.

[A]

Dude. I have. I have. I have an hour 20 on black guys.

[B]

I taught my boys how to play blackjack, and so they're both fucking obsessed, and they downloaded blackjack.

[A]

Are you serious?

[B]

And then Ellis comes to me.

[A]

One more.

[B]

He's like, check it out. He's like, I won 25 million last night. I was like, oh, my God, dude. I was like, how much are you betting? He's like 350 to 500,000 a hand. I was like, we're gonna have a real fucking problem with you soon. Yeah, they're into it, dude.

[A]

I wanted to see them while I was here.

[B]

Yeah, that'd be great.

[A]

Yeah. The. I have Tom. This is how much stuff I have about black guys. Even when I don't have a joke about black guys, black guys are in it.

[B]

Really? You just.

[A]

They're. They're getting into every joke. Yeah, it's. I. I mean, yeah, but I'm excited for you to do you. So you think you'll go back out on tour?

[B]

I don't think, like, this year. No. I think next year I would do it at some point. Yeah. I just said, you think that's reasonable?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

It's.

[A]

I just said to my agents, because I'm getting ready for my special. So I said, you know, And I was so stressed.

[B]

You just do one.

[A]

Yeah, Yeah. A year and a half ago, two years ago.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I said, I don't. I don't want to keep doing arenas because I want to do two shows in a night. So I want to do theaters. And. And then I did they, like, great. We'll line up some theaters. Like the Beacons coming up.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

In April. And then. And then I did two theaters. I did the Sanger Theater in Pensacola. Like, two shows. I was like, theaters, two shows in a night. I forgot. It's horrible. That is so aggressive. You get so much better. But it is. As opposed to one in arena. I did one in. In. This whole weekend was all arenas, and it's like. It's amazing. So you get so much energy. You go out and you hear like, fucking 10,000 people cheering for you, and you're like, yeah. Then you're like, whoa, let's fucking kill this. And then you murder. And then you're like, that's what I'm talking about. And then you come off stage, you're fucking pumped. You do a meet and greet, you get in the bus. Oh, and then now I'm doing next. This fall. You'll be a lot more intimate shows.

[B]

I know. It's the. It's the doubles that wear you out.

[A]

The doubles are gonna wear me out.

[B]

You know, before we go, obviously, again, 2 Bears 5K is coming up. Do you have. Do you want to make a statement about the Epstein files?

[A]

Yes. Yes, I guess so. No, I don't know. It's going to get clipped out. It's going to get clipped out. I actually regret ever talking on a podcast ever. I am. I am a spam ad in Jeffrey Epstein's email list. A spam ad for my show, March 21st to 23rd. Oh, I wasn't doing Sundays.

[B]

Nice. You were doing well then.

[A]

Wait, when was that? That had to be 2016, 2017.

[B]

That's probably. That makes sense.

[A]

What was Jeffrey Epstein. Was he in prison already?

[B]

I don't think so. I mean, you would know.

[A]

Wait, when was Jeffrey Epstein in prison? A couple years later, I think, because I said to someone, I was like. I said to Ian Finance, I was like, I don't even know who Jeffrey Epstein was until he killed himself. 19. He was arrested for federal sex trafficking. So this is right before he got arrested. I was in his spam email. That is it. In Jeffrey Epstein's spam email me, Bob Saget, Fluffy, all of us. You were already doing theaters. That's why he didn't have a fucking thing with you. Yeah. He would have loved you. He would have loved you.

[B]

Think so.

[A]

Oh, yeah, thanks.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You get on the private jet, you're not afraid of turbulence. He's like, go sit on Tom's lap. He's not afraid of turbulence. And you got some fucking cherubic 15 year old on your lap just getting your dick hard the way you like it.

[B]

There's that guy again, saying that stuff.

[A]

Hold on. I saw a video today.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Of two guys, I don't know who they are. And they are honestly saying that Garth Brooks is a serial killer.

[B]

Oh, I've seen a bunch of those.

[A]

And they're like. I mean, the proof is out.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

And they're like. I mean, honestly, when's he gonna. They're not. They're not comedians. They're true crime people.

[B]

You know that guy wrote a book, right? There's a book.

[A]

It's insane.

[B]

Pull up the book. Somebody wrote a fucking book about it. A real book about him. And that whole. Yeah. This is an actual. A serious examination into the allegation.

[A]

I think that's who I saw. May. It may have been. I think that's who I saw. They were on a fucking podcast talking about it, going. I mean, it started with Tom Segura, but it's gotten so much deeper.

[B]

Yeah. And we definitely.

[A]

By the way, I've never empathized with Garth Brooks more in my entire life. I am not in the Jeffrey Epstein files. I'm not.

[B]

You are in the files.

[A]

No, no, no, Garth. Me and you are victims of Tom Segura. Garth, I love you.

[B]

Go to the Department of Justice website and type in Bert's name.

[A]

Type in Tom's name. I'm sure he's in there somehow. I'm not.

[B]

I'm not.

[A]

Can someone do a fake thing? Yeah, they can do a Toms all over. Yeah. Yeah. This is a spam ad. I met the West Palm Improv, March 21st and 23rd of 2017, right before he got popped. By the way, thank God he didn't come to my show.

[B]

That would have been fucking something. Because you would have been like, I would have.

[A]

I would have gotten a shirtless picture with Jeff Epstein.

[B]

Bert, this guy's super rich. He lives here in Palm Beach. You'd have been like, hey, let's go to your house. A thousand percent. He'd be like, you want a massage? You'd be like, fuck it, I love massages.

[A]

Thank God Bob Zagat was the week before me, he went to that one.

[B]

Oh, you dodged the bullet.

[A]

Fluffy made, like, a legit statement at SoFi. A legit statement. I Think about this. He was like, jeffrey Epstein was trying to get into one of Fluffy's shows, but they were sold out. And then he was like, what about Thursday? And they're like, sold out. And then they're like, what about Friday? And it's like, sold out. It's Fluffy. He fucking sells out every show he ever does. Yeah, he sold out him and Joe Coyote at Sofi. And he was like, yes, I am in the Epstein files. And you can hear 70,000 people go, where the fuck is this going? And he was like, he was trying to get tickets to my show. You gotta see. Let him do it. It's here. It's pretty serious. Until he makes a joke in the Jeffrey Epstein finals. 70,014.

[D]

There was a comedy club called the Improv. The Improv is a chain all over the country. And they had one of their clubs there in West Palm Beach.

[A]

Me too.

[D]

I would perform there three to four times a year. The email reads from Jeffrey Epstein to his assistant. It says, I need six tickets to the Gabriel Iglesia show at 8:00'.

[B]

Clock.

[D]

The assistant replies, the show is sold out. He replies, what about the next one? She replies, it's sold out too. That's it.

[A]

Okay. That is it. That is it. That is it.

[B]

That is it.

[A]

That is it. That is it. Yeah.

[B]

Cuz I know you guys got nervous.

[A]

You're like, I thought Fluffy only touched donuts. There's a joke to this, by the way.

[D]

I just think it's crazy that Jeffrey Epstein, one of the most diabolical human beings to ever walk the face of the earth, had the ability to connect with politicians, with influencers, with celebrities. He put people in very compromising positions. He got people on planes, he put people on islands. He was involved in trafficking. He was able to accomplish all these evil, crazy, crazy things. But at the end of the day, he still couldn't get tickets to see.

[A]

Can I tell you, my one, my one takeaway from that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Is I'm gonna like, I, you know, I love Fluffy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But every time a Latino guy pronounces their name correctly.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It makes me want to go. Start going, you definitely should.

[B]

That'd be good for you.

[A]

He goes, gabriel Iglesias.

[B]

Gabriel Iglesias.

[A]

The way he says it, like it comes from out of nowhere. Like he's like, he's like, I'm Fluffy. I'm talking like this. I'm talking like this. And then he goes, he's remembering how

[B]

his mom said it.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. And I'm gonna do. I'm gonna start. I'm gonna go. But Haisha. But Haisha. Yeah, Ein Peppers, please.

[B]

The way Goebbels would have said it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

All right.

[A]

I got a secret for you. Oh, boy.

[B]

Is it about Nazis? Okay. Well, thanks for watching and listening. It's great to have you in town, buddy.

[A]

Yes, we are Two Bears. My name is Bert.

[B]

Kaija, this is Tom Sehura. We will see you next time.

[A]

Bert and Tom. Tom and Bert. One goes topless while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Burts the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call Two bears. One cave.