The Audience Is Gonna Hate Us w/ Stavros Halkias & Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Summary

2 Bears, 1 Cave "The Audience Is Gonna Hate Us"

With Special Guests: Stavros Halkias & Chris Distefano
Date: August 18, 2025
Podcast by YMH Studios

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EPISODE OVERVIEW

In this wild "Summer Bears" installment, comedians Stavros Halkias and Chris Distefano take over the 2 Bears, 1 Cave reins for an episode that's one part food confession, one part showbiz therapy, and all parts ridiculous. They cover everything from binge eating and food guilt, comedic confidence, show business indignities, LGBTQ+ sports takes, and the idiosyncrasies of self-promotion in a hyper-competitive industry. Throughout, their naturally absurd and self-deprecating humor is matched by moments of honesty about body issues, guilt, family, and relationships to fame.

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KEY DISCUSSION POINTS & INSIGHTS

1. Starting Off—Sugar Highs and Food Confessions

Timestamps: [01:11]-[14:44]

• Stavros and Chris launch into tales of snacking, food sabotage, and group text betrayals, detailing a studio sugar binge (Oreo cookies, tiramisu, cupcakes) gone wild.
• Chris details his food guilt and the slippery slope from "treat yourself" to full-blown binge, openly talking about past struggles with weight (215 to 255 lbs) and deceptive bagel shop orders "for the family" that are really just for him.
• The two men bond over the universal allure of sauces (Stav’s love of Korean barbecue sesame oil and salt gets a shoutout) and the way food becomes drug-like in its effect.
• Food confessions blend with self-deprecation about willpower:

  "What am I gonna do? Have any self control? No, I'm gonna eat the tiramisu." —Stavros, [02:02]

2. Food, Guilt, and Catholic Roots

Timestamps: [17:15]-[27:16]

• Chris explains his Catholic guilt around food and general life, contrasting this with Greek Orthodox culture (less overt guilt, more community focus).
• They discuss how parents’ weight and generational eating habits impact their own attitudes.
• Sex guilt parallels food guilt—Chris and Stavros riff on how memories and crushes age, and the shifting acceptability of fantasizing about childhood TV stars:

  "Your memories need to age up with you. Just because you jacked off to Saved by the Bell when you were in high school, you are not allowed to jack off to Kelly Kapowski anymore." —Stavros, [18:03]

3. Family, Upbringing, and Early Comedy Hustle

Timestamps: [20:01]-[29:38]

• Chris tells stories about his dad’s inappropriate basketball coaching, racial jokes, and growing up with a Supercuts haircut.
• Early days in New York comedy life: being inspired by the comedy scene, crushing at venues, and Stav's infamous "toothless years."
• The importance of projecting confidence—even during low points:

  "The only time I've ever been in like, a happy relationship was then [toothless years]. I feel really bad—she was a great girl, but she clearly did not like that I was toothless... She was so upset." —Stavros, [24:52]

4. Showbiz Slights & ChatGPT Therapy

Timestamps: [33:00]-[48:16]

• Chris reveals an email exchange with a big show that only wants him as a "sweetener" to book more famous comics like Shane Gillis or Theo Von.
• Stavros reads the situation as typical industry disrespect:

  "I'm not bait for my more famous friends. Like, I don't want to do your f***ing show." —Stavros, [41:20]

• Chris sheepishly admits turning to ChatGPT for moral support and possible email replies, leading to hilarious mockery from Stavros.
• Memorable moment:

  "You went to ChatGPT. We're cooked." —Stavros, [44:28]

5. Friendships, Transactional Industry, and Social Media Abstinence

Timestamps: [49:03]-[53:40]

• Both discuss being wary of making friendships transactional, avoiding asking friends for career favors.
• Chris muses on social media’s toxicity and says he’s been off it for weeks, finding more peace and being “willing to go back to being a physical therapist if it meant no social media.” [53:28]
• They joke about using ChatGPT for positive life affirmation ("Tell me I'm a good comedian...Tell me I'm going to be a good husband") [52:51].

6. Sports, LGBTQ+ Inclusion, and Broad Social Commentary

Timestamps: [53:40]-[64:25]

• The guys dissect the online uproar about a flamboyant male Minnesota Vikings cheerleader, poking fun at homophobia in sports fandoms.

  "Male cheerleaders are gay as hell. It's fucking hilarious." —Stavros, [54:49]

• Chris and Stavros discuss trans athletes, perceptions of fairness, and support for youth inclusivity while roasting sensationalist outrage.
• They reflect on the importance of diversity, with Stav acknowledging:

  "People that are different than you make life better is really what it comes down to." —[63:15]

7. Gay Culture, Brutal Honesty, and VO2 Max

Timestamps: [65:26]-[72:28]

• Chris tells a story about getting his VO2 max tested by an upbeat, honest gay trainer:

  "For a 40 year old, honey, you are fit... you have legit zaddy energy on your VO2 max time." —Chris, [68:44]

• Both praise the directness and fun of gay culture, with Chris relaying stories about open, candid exchanges with fans and service workers.

8. War, Perspective & Audience Warning

Timestamps: [72:28]-[74:03]

• They joke about the perils of getting too serious, referencing Israel/Palestine and the luxury of American safety and comfort:

  "If you are still listening to the podcast, you're the problem." —Chris, [73:27]

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NOTABLE QUOTES & MEMORABLE MOMENTS

• On Food Guilt:

  "I have salmon, broccoli and chicken in the fridge. And tiramisu in your belly button." —Chris, [02:30]

• On Confidence:

  "The way Stavi holds himself is so confident...I bet you he got the most puss during that time." —Chris, [24:45]

• On Transactional Relationships:

  "I don't want to reach out to friends for favors. I'm not going to get involved. People do that in our business all the time. Desperation is wild." —Chris, [51:49]

• On "Being Used" in Showbiz:

  "Let me just be honest. We don't care about you, Chris. Can you do our job?" —Stavros, [41:39]

• Self-Mockery Over ChatGPT:

  "You're a bitch talking to ChatGPT...hoping ChatGPT says, 'No, Chris, they value you as a person.'" —Stavros, [44:02]

• On Social Media:

  "If they ban social media, I'd be willing—just for the good of society...I'd be fully willing to go back to becoming a physical therapist if it meant social media is gone." —Chris, [53:28]

• On Diversity and Inclusion:

  "Look, dude, gay people are hilarious and they're awesome. People that are different than you make life better, is really what it comes down to." —Stavros, [63:07]

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STRUCTURE & FLOW

• 00:00-01:00: Comedy tour promos, shows, and plugging "Tikiwikis".
• 01:00-14:44: Studio food confessions, food guilt, and sabotage.
• 17:15-27:16: Eating, guilt, sex guilt, and religion.
• 29:38-33:00: Early New York comedy and audiences, confidence, and relationships.
• 33:00-48:16: Chris vents about showbiz disrespect; turns to ChatGPT for advice.
• 49:03-53:40: Discussion on friendship vs. career, social media addiction.
• 53:40-64:25: Commenting on LGBTQ+ athletes, trans issues, and broader social commentary.
• 65:26-72:28: Gym stories, "zaddy energy," appreciation for gay culture.
• 72:28-74:03: On war, American privilege, and an audience warning.

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TONE & STYLE

Unfiltered, self-deprecating, and candid. Conversations swing from slapstick (food and sex) to vulnerable (guilt, showbiz slights, family), all colored by the hosts’ fast banter and bluntness. Long riffs on food and self-loathing are matched by honest talk about ego, inclusion, and cultural critique. The audience is kept in on the joke, especially as Chris and Stavros openly acknowledge which bits will annoy or "lose" listeners.

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FINAL THOUGHT:

An hour-plus of raw, comic honesty with Stavros and Chris that barrels from food disasters and failed diets, to comedic hustle, being disrespected by the business, and navigating the awkward realities of success. Along the way, they're as likely to roast each other as they are themselves, and the audience, all while landing on an unexpectedly earnest note about kindness, inclusion, and friendship (before, of course, mocking themselves for getting "serious").

Transcript

[A]

Hey gang.

[B]

I am going to be on tour starting this September. I'm going to be in London September 7, second show added in London. Then we're going to be in Dublin on September 12th. After that, coming to America November 6th in Memphis. Then Huntsville, Alabama, Chattanooga, Tennessee, Knoxville, Asheville, Greensboro, Wilmington and then Myrtle Beach, Classy Myrtle Beach, Austin and Boston. And we will be adding more shows soon. But if you want to come see me, please check me out there.

[A]

That's it, baby. And then I will be the big one. September 5th, Chicago Theater. September 11th, Theater at Madison Square Garden. And then September 27th, Saudi Arabia, baby. So come see me. I'm also in Boston in October. Got a shows lined up at the Wilbur, the Chevalier. Just go to Chris D. Comedy.com for Tikiwikis. Thanks for all the support, hundred percent. Cheers.

[B]

Hello everybody and welcome to Two Bears One Cave Summer Bears edition number five.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

With me, Stavros Halkis and my pal Chris DiStefano.

[A]

That's it. We're here. We have just eaten probably 1500 calories of sweets.

[B]

I'm so fucked. Honestly, I'm going to fucking kill Benson Spoon. Dude, both of you actually are sabotaging me. It's your fault.

[A]

Sorry about that.

[B]

This is your only escape from your family. I know. I know that your fiance has. Is watching what you're eating. Now that she's got you, legally you can't die, right? You know what I mean? Until the. Until you have. Until you're married, right? And she gets everything if you die. She's got to keep you alive. So a lot of egg white omelets. It's a lot of working out. So you and our text chain. One of us is fat as shit, is trying to change his fucking life. Chris. And you pretend like you're a friend who supports me, but every time I come here, you demand Benson Spoon gets us. Well, whole coterie of fucking desserts.

[A]

Well, I gotta be.

[B]

What am I gonna do? Have any self control?

[A]

No, I'm gonna.

[B]

I'm gonna eat the tiramisu. I'm gonna eat whatever delicious shit. And there was a bagel. I packed a lunch.

[A]

Dude. I know.

[B]

I packed a fucking breakfast even.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then I see a bagel. What am I not gonna eat the fucking bagel.

[A]

Yeah, but here's the thing. The lunch that you packed is salmon and chicken and broccoli. So it's the thought that counts.

[B]

I know right now in the studio fridge there is salmon, broccoli and a half cup of rice. I didn't Even give myself a full cup of rice. And I've eaten three fucking desserts.

[A]

I love that you have salmon, broccoli and chicken in the fridge. And tiramisu in your belly button. I'm fucked, dude. Well, I didn't know what to do because I actually was concerned because Stavros, myself and Benson spoon have a group chat where we go over when we're gonna come in and film this what it is. And Stavros just hasn't responded in two weeks. So I texted him this morning thinking, dude, are you dead? Am I going to find your body in Astoria with a half eaten Turkey Hill ice cream container, porn and a Mom Donnie. Vote for Mom Donnie sign.

[B]

Everything is right except Turkey Hill. You offended me.

[A]

Sorry.

[B]

It's not you. It's not you fantasizing about my death. It's you thinking I would be eating low quality ice cream like fucking Turkey Hill.

[A]

Sorry about that.

[B]

I'd be Ben and Jerry's up, maybe Jenny's even.

[A]

I know, dude, you are sold everywhere you go. So you are Ben and Jerry's now. You were Turkey Hill three years ago.

[B]

My youth. In my youth we had the plastic tub with its own little plastic handle. That was the Neapolitan that you got at Costco. The best price club, you know, back in the day. Just. And then obviously the strawberry always goes last. Oh, yeah, they know what they're doing with Neapolitan. That's their way to sneak strawberry into chocolate and vanilla superstars. And then they sneak a. I don't need a third. You should redo Neapolitan ice cream. And it should be. It should be. Maybe like now I'm bad with fractions.

[A]

One eighth.

[B]

What? No, hold on. This.

[A]

Three fifths.

[B]

Yeah, fifths.

[A]

That's the only fraction I know from history.

[B]

No, I like that.

[A]

Two.

[B]

Two fifths. Chocolate. Two fifths. Vanilla. One fifth.

[A]

Strawberry.

[B]

Yes, that's how we do.

[A]

It's also two if we're just being honest.

[B]

Or maybe three sevenths. 3/7. 1:7.

[A]

I also don't want any fruit at all in my ice cream. You know what I mean? It's like, just give me a Brussels sprout.

[B]

No, no, that's a really good point. How did strawberry sneak its way into being the default fruit ice cream flavor?

[A]

It's weird because it could be blueberry ice cream. Could be apple ice cream. But why strawberry?

[B]

Blueberry ice cream. But it could be.

[A]

You know what's wild about a sorbet? Pineapple sorbet have the jizz.

[B]

Smelling amazing mango. You know mango.

[A]

Now you're talking to the Puerto Ricans. Love mangoes. Oh, dude, do you. You know strawberries are the only fruit that. Oh, and not the only fruit I know. They are a fruit that they have their seeds on the outside, so when you eat them. And that's because they know through nature they've learned how to procreate and just keep recreating version themselves. Because when you eat them and then you take a poop, you technically poop the seeds out. Right out. So they know. So they just. They never die.

[B]

Dude, they're a guy walking around covered in his own jizz.

[A]

Exactly. Strawberries.

[B]

So it's like, ooh, maybe some jizz gets right.

[A]

So that's why when you see me in the street tonight, jizz all over my own jizz all over my face. It's. I'm just being a strawberry and trying to keep. That's me saying I want to be immortal. That's my long. Everything's into long longevity now.

[B]

Yeah. Like that guy, the vampire guy, Ryan Johnson, who does. Who just looks like. You know, he just looks like a gay guy, yo. Yeah, he just looks like a gay guy with a younger boyfriend. I don't even know if the guy's gay, but whatever he's done to himself makes him look sort of like Liber. Have you seen behind the Candelabra? The Liberace movie?

[A]

Yeah. But don't tell the friends in my neighborhood that I saw.

[B]

Yeah, Yeah, I thought, yeah. I mean, there must have been Italian guys who like this guy. He's flashy, just like me in the 70s. There must have been guys who are just like, liberace ain't gay. Yeah, he's got jewelry.

[A]

He's got jewelry. He's got talent. Yeah. I think I. First of all, too, I just want to quickly say that although, yes, the sweets were here today, and I did say in the group chat that I like a little bit extra treats. I said, I want my egg whites, avocado on rye bread. Which was done. And I said, maybe a fun little sweet treat for us. And then Benson Spoon, first of all, Benson Spoon shows up an hour late dressed like a lesbian. Okay.

[B]

He does look good. He is wearing Benson. I think it's gone to his head. Yes, the Benson Boon comparison has gone. He came in jean jacket. He does look like. He looks like he would finish last in a Benson Boone lookalike contest.

[A]

He looks like. And he does look like to me today, even though he does look good. He does look like he looks like.

[B]

Crack his head trying to do the backflip.

[A]

Yes, he would be. Yeah, just. And he does. It is kind of lesbian vibes with his boots. He looks. He looks like a WNBA player going into the game. You know, like when they walk in and they have their cool outfit. Like, he looks like Caitlyn Clark walking into the arena.

[B]

They're looking good, by the way.

[A]

Oh, God. So is Benson spoon, dude. That's why I'm saying I want to rub tiramisu all over his man pussy.

[B]

That's the only way. If you. If I came in here and there was a tiramisu right. Like in his hole.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Then I would put the odds down to like 30, 70. I eat it. It wouldn't even be zero.

[A]

I'll say. Let's go 40, 60 for you.

[B]

A little higher.

[A]

But yeah, but he had the tiramisu, he had the sweets. And it's like, we'll eat it anyway because we're both sweet addicts. But it's as if the doordash guy just took it and threw it against the wall. The tiramisu and cupcakes were smeared along the edges of the box.

[B]

That is another layer of how pathetic we are is that it was like we were basically like ra raccoons just fucking scraping it off the side. I couldn't even find forks at first.

[A]

We were doing with our bare hands, like 100%. If our mothers were here, they would have yelled at us for. They. I. 100%. You and I would have gotten yelled at separately by our mothers for. And by the way, it's not like we were doing it in the studio. There's a public common area out there with other workers don't even work for this network that we were eating in front of. And they were probably like, who are these absolute pigs?

[B]

I know. We really. We started the day very piggish.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Two. Two pigs. One pen is what it is.

[A]

We really are disgust. But I gotta be honest, at least right now they're catching us. That's why it's good the camera's on because I have a sugar rush where my heart is literally beating to a point where it might be kind of dangerous because I've had three coffees and I literally. I mean, dude, I ate my egg sandwich and I ate those tiramisus and I didn't even tell you, dude, I ate a sleeve. Not a sleeve. I ate a pack of Oreo cookies I got from 7:11 on the way in here just to get going. Dude.

[B]

Just to prime the pump.

[A]

Yeah. I was doing so good with my diet. And then the last 48 hours, you ever just fall off the rails, like, out of nowhere? Like, I don't know what happened. I went to my stepmom's retirement party, and I had, like, some gelato, and I had some, like, a little bit of pasta, and it was kind of like a. Like, it warmed me up. And then I. I didn't eat anything else the rest of that night. I stayed healthy. But then I woke up the next day, and it would. Dude, I ate a Cinnabon. I started doing the thing that I used to do because I weigh 215 right now. I used to be 255.

[B]

Sure. My whole weight.

[A]

Yep. And I used to do that thing where I would go into the bagel store and get stuff from my family, and I would get. Oh, you know, can I get a toasted bagel with cream cheese? Can I get a bacon, egg and cheese? Can I get a bacon, egg, and cheese on a hero? And then I'd say, oh, what else did she say she wants? But all this is for me. Come on. And I did it, and I did it again at the local bagel store in the new neighborhood I just moved into.

[B]

Where they know you.

[A]

Well, they don't know me yet, but it's new. And the guy literally said to me, goes, are you having a party or something? Cause it was 8:00am and I was like, I got a big family. And he was like, you spent $130 at a bagel store. So when you. If you're spending over $50 at a bagel store, that's an issue.

[B]

Which. Who you talking to? I know you want to hear a up order. You want to hear what. I really would put my nuts on the table when I'm talking. I'm. I'm 350, and I'm having. I'm starting my day with edibles. And I'm like, just like, let's. You know. And I'm still high from the night before. And I'm like, what do I want? Is a nice. How fucked up my bagel order got. I would do a. Everything classic, you know, nothing there. Toasted, two eggs, sausage and bacon. Sausage and bacon because, you know, there's not enough. And then I. No cheese.

[A]

Okay. But then I would keep the saturated fats down.

[B]

No, no, no. Because there was enough for me. This is all about getting every bite uniform and delicious. That's why I got two meats. Because God forbid there'd be one bite where there's not a little bit of meat.

[A]

Right.

[B]

That's why I would get so. And I would even, like, take this apart and like, organize every bite. So same problem with cheese sometimes it's not uniform. So what do I do? The place I lived at, they had their own bacon scallion. It was like bacon scallion sriracha cream cheese.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

And that became the cheese. Throw that on there. Smear that. So every inch of the thing is covered in. I'd add a fucking hash brown into the sandwich. And if my dick was really feeling hard, I would add avocado. Before I ate it, I would pre salt the avocado because there's not enough.

[A]

Salt in every bre.

[B]

And that was like my. When I'm really a fucking piece of shit. And then I would do the thing where I'd be like, time for dessert bagel. And just get. Just get either plain with strawberry cream cheese or I would get a cinnamon raisin with then cinnamon cream cheese. So. And that would be just the start of my day. And then imagine having to do things. And then I would be doing stuff. Dude, that's the insanity. I mean, I would probably bang some Adderall. I was doing like the very. The fat guy. The like low grade speedballs of edibles Adderall.

[A]

And here's the thing. After you finished that dessert bagel, you were still hungry. You could just keep going.

[B]

Probably was. I would just be catatonic for about 40 minutes.

[A]

Like, I'll just be like, yeah, it's like doing drugs.

[B]

And then I'd be like, oh, okay, time to podcast, you know? And that would be on. And then I'd be like, how about a whole pizza and 14 wings?

[A]

You would do that. So do you think there's days in your life where you. 10,000 calories in a day, easy? 8,000. 7,000?

[B]

Yeah, 7,000. No problem.

[A]

Why not?

[B]

7,000, no problem. By the way, I can't eat like that anymore. Although, who knows? What we did out there was pretty nice.

[A]

Just take the chicken and salmon and start dipping it in the tiramisu.

[B]

Dude. Sauces. When you get sauced up. Because I'm a big sauce boy. Sauces well. Oh, Korean barbecue. One of my favorite dipping sauces. Purely sesame oil and salt.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

They don't tell you about that? Yeah, there's some special sauce. They don't think. Because they don't think the gringo knows about it.

[A]

Yeah, right. They do.

[B]

And then I say, hey, where's my sesame oil? And I see the respect on the Korean waiter's face. Yeah, he knows. And I'm like, and bring that. There's a red bean paste as well. That's good as fuck anyway.

[A]

But I. But you. You got yourself.

[B]

This is what happens when we start talking bagel, dude.

[A]

Well, I love.

[B]

Because my dick's getting hard, right?

[A]

I love. Well, and that's what it is too is I love like the truckers listening to this podcast are all careening off the side of whatever interstate they're delivering to. I love that we're going to see on the news, you know, a 30 truck pile up and like. And all the. Is like Stavi was talking about scallion.

[B]

Cream cheese shout out to the fat boys and fat girls out there. Love hearing this is pornography for the.

[A]

Really, dude. You know, I got family trying to manage the mortgage, the kids school as the wife wants if she wants a but thing. Whatever.

[B]

The many defamation lawsuits.

[A]

Exactly. Do I got to buy different hats because I don't like the way my hair looks?

[B]

Sure.

[A]

I do it. It's just spending money. And I said if I'm going to be doing this, I have to figure out a way how to like be smart with the money and how to, you know, like invest properly. And I found acorns.

[B]

You did?

[A]

Acorns, dude. I was looking Acorns. It's amazing. I feel like a squirrel out there. Acorns. It's easy to start doing more with your money. In fact, you can start automatically investing with just your spare change. Dude. Investing. Compounding investing all that. This is how this is if you want to be rich like Tom Segura and Bert Grisher. The amount of money Tom and Bert made off those poor washcloths when they invested in acorns, they doubled it. So that the washcloths should just say acorns. It is awesome. Plus, Acorns can support your money goals in life. New car, first home, investing for kids, saving for retirement. And so much more.

[B]

So much more Acorns.

[A]

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[B]

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[C]

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[A]

I gotta be honest though. Like, eat. Because the immediate guilt that I felt after we ate that, because I. I'm not gonna. I'm definitely trying to get in better shape. I definitely, you know, I understand.

[B]

Can I ask you something? Rank the guilt.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

You know, so we're talking food guilt. There's sexual guilt.

[A]

Right?

[B]

When you bust to something that's like.

[A]

Yeah, I don't know.

[B]

Yeah, I don't know if I should have been thinking about this person from my past doing that thing.

[A]

It's like. It's like I'm jerking on. It's Like, I think the actress Jody Sweetin, who played Stephanie in Full House, is smoking hot.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

But the problem is. What? I've jerked off to her when she was in the 90s, of course. You know, so it's like, you think about that. You're like, yeah, but you're jerking off.

[B]

Yeah. So it's true. When you go, you. Your memories need to age up with you.

[A]

Yes. Yeah.

[B]

Just because you jacked off to something. You jacked off to Saved by the Bell when you were in high school.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You are not allowed to jack off to Kelly Kapowski anymore. No.

[A]

You can't jerk off.

[B]

It's got to be. By the way, she was in a procedural. She was in, like, a cop show when I was in high school. She was looking. I jacked off to that level.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. You can't jerk off to Topanga from Boy Meets World today. You were doing it. We were all doing it. You can today. No, but not. She's 14 or something.

[B]

No, no, no, no, no, no. That's what I mean. Her now.

[A]

Yeah. Her now. Yes, her now. I'm saying you can't go back.

[B]

No, you cannot. I mean, Boy's World is brutal.

[A]

They're like literal children coming to Fred Savage. I'm like, that. Yeah, you.

[B]

It doesn't even get to her. You just see Fred Savage's curly head. You're like, oh, yeah. You think about Mr. Feeny eating your ass. No, but it's, you know, nice penis, Mr. Destefano.

[A]

So I. Because I'm trying to, you know, like, get in shape. So I aware. I'm aware that I'm not, like, a fat mess, because sometimes people yell at me on the Internet that you always talk about, and I'm like, but my brain. I have the definite. My parents at times in their life were both overweight. I have the fat gene, and I have the guilt. Like, I notice, like, Jasmine, she has no guilt if she eats something, she's like, I let it go. Like, I'm enjoying. Why would I eat the food and then not enjoy it?

[B]

Do you think it's just food, though, or do you have a guilt issue overall?

[A]

It's called being a Catholic. I have guilt because I have guilt about things. Constant. Like, there'll be times where, like, I'll get in. I don't, you know. You know me, I'm not really that confrontational of a guy. I want just people to be happy. Like, I'm happy with what I. So I try to just avoid it if I can that's how I am. I'm what's known in my neighborhood as a big. Yeah, so. So. So I.

[B]

Hey, guys, we're gonna go Chris's girl. You guys come in.

[A]

Yeah, he. He's got talent.

[B]

So he's over there shooting free throws with his dad again. We're all gonna get head from his girl while he's doing that, while he's.

[A]

Shooting free throws over to broom. His dad's holding up that he's making believe it's a black guy.

[B]

So I do love that. I mean, we don't have to get into again, that you've told the story a bunch. But I do love that your dad just snuck in. Racism always just.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Training you like a wholesome father son moment. He's like, let's be a little racist.

[A]

Yeah. You know, I've said it before, the name on the broom piece of tape named Leroy. And it's just what it is.

[B]

The guy's name could have been John.

[A]

Could have been. Yeah. Could have been John and Leroy. And you say, okay, Leroy.

[B]

Leroy's tough.

[A]

Could be a name. But then. Well, what made it even worse is he taped a weed to the edge of it.

[B]

Your dad also was in blackface.

[A]

Yes, he was in.

[B]

And he was saying the N word a lot.

[A]

That's what it is.

[B]

But in his head, he was doing it in character.

[A]

Right. He's like, I'm just trying to mimic what you might see in the NBA on the off chance you make it as a 5 foot 8 kid with psoriasis and a mushroom haircut from Supercuts that can hit a one out of every seven threes.

[B]

Super cuts.

[A]

Oh, dude. I would just. My mom would take me there and just ask for the number six.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, it sucked. Lemon tree.

[B]

Did you ever get. Did you ever go to, like, a lady's house? Like, did your mom ever have a friend who did cut hair in her kitchen?

[A]

We didn't, but I would go to, like, a Dominican lady that wasn't my mom's friend that her salon was just on the second floor of her. But she was hot, and everyone would go get the haircuts there because her big tits would just hit your shoulder.

[B]

Dude, my first week in New York, right? I. I didn't, you know, I was just like. It was like, I didn't know where I was going. I know. I was just, like, walking around aimlessly, you know, being a matt when you're from. When you're like an artsy little, you know, nerd who lives on The east coast, like, New York is like. It feels like Hogwarts to you. You know what I mean? Like, I don't want to be a gay ass wizard. I want to be a gay ass comedian. Right? So to me, New York is like this feel and it's like you go, you see everybody go.

[A]

You're like, that's where George Harland went on stage first. The cafe walk. Totally, totally, totally. Like little.

[B]

Yeah. Walking by the Cellar, being like, oh, I'm gonna.

[A]

One day. I'm gonna be there. Yeah, one day. Yeah.

[B]

And it happens and it's like, it's a club.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Who cares?

[A]

And you realize like, oh, this all sucks.

[B]

Yeah, this life sucks. Nothing's good.

[A]

I mean, the clubs are great, but you just. We. We're all dead inside.

[B]

You never get to be happy. Like, happiness is an illusion.

[A]

That's why we eat tiramisu out of the box.

[B]

And it's early, by the way. We did. Oh, yeah, it was 9:59am we're eating tiramisu big time. Yeah. And I, I was rocking the shaved look, you know, I remember fighting. I was fighting my. Or. I, you know, I was shamed by society. Right. To shave my head back then. And I was looking a little, you know, I had just moved. I hadn't. So I was like, let me just go to like a cheap place, get a buzz real quick. And it was a Dominican woman with fat tits who was gorgeous and who called me Poppy. And I was legitimate. I jacked off.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Like in a public bathroom.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, moments after getting that haircut, like, it might have been like a Grace Papaya. I went to some. I was trying to do like New York shit. I went to some new, like. Or a boat take or something. And I was like, do you guys have a bathroom? And I just.

[A]

Just the idea of fucking this lady.

[B]

Who shaved my head because I felt her tits on my shoulders and she called me Poppy.

[A]

I was just like, with her nice little Dominican accent.

[B]

It was insane.

[A]

I believe it.

[B]

Fuck. Where was that place? Let's go. There was somewhere on the east side. Because it was. Remember there was. There was an open mic. Revisions Lounge.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Revisions Lounge. And I think I even saw you, dude.

[A]

I remember when you got here, everybody loved you right away. And I remember the very first time I saw you, you were on. You know what, dude. And Bobby Kelly was one of the first guys to kind of be doing like live streaming. He was.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And Bobby, you know, has lost a lot of weight now, but back in those Days, he was pretty heavy. And you were sitting in between Bobby Kelly and then comedian Louis Katz. And we could chime in on the chat. And I chimed in, I was like, yo, that kid sitting in the middle of you looks like. Like, if Bobby Kelly and Louie had a baby. Because you had the glasses like Louie and fat like Bobby.

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

But I remember, dude. Yeah, you came in, but I remember that shaved. I remember the shaved head, missing tooth look was next level. It literally. It was one of those ones where it's like, I guarantee you, the FBI just looked a little bit closer at you, because you look like a guy would be laying on a roof with a sniper rifle, taking shots at the press.

[B]

It was awesome to be toothless. That was the happiest years of my life. Legit.

[A]

But you still. The thing is what I always say, because people. I don't know why people have brought this up to me about you with the hair and the tooth. But, like, what was going on there? And I said, I don't know for sure, but I would argue. I said, because the way Stavi holds himself is so confident, and you have so much confidence within whatever look or whatever you're doing that. I said, I bet you he got the most puss during that time.

[B]

I was in a, like, the close. The only time I've ever been in, like, a happy relationship was then. Was then.

[A]

Oh, that's interesting.

[B]

And in hindsight, I feel really bad. She was a great girl, and, like, she clearly did not like that I was toothless.

[A]

Right?

[B]

Like, I remember her being just like. Like, she was just like, just put the tooth in when you meet my family.

[A]

I was gonna say, I would love to see. I would love to see the warning text between her and her family or group chat or sister. Just saying, he's a really nice guy.

[B]

Crushed it with a tooth in. But I met, like, her. Some of her work friends right out of tooth. And she was like. She was. She couldn't believe she had to tell me, put your tooth in before you meet my work friends. Yeah, like, she was so upset. I mean, that was probably the beginning of the end.

[A]

Well, I was gonna say, like, it's a few years ago, like, them being like, okay, wait, so what, he lives in an apartment in Astoria, right? He's a little overweight.

[B]

He's got three roommates.

[A]

He's got three roommates. He has no teeth. And his podcast is called Come Town. And you want to marry this guy? Honey, we'll do it for you, but we really don't think it's gonna work, you know?

[B]

Yes. That was a beautiful time. The teethless years were the happiest years.

[A]

But I would see. But because that's the thing is, like, everything in life is, like, mindset. And I feel like you're like. Even before we were talking outside and you were like, oh, like, you were like, I. You're getting really good at, like, photography and, like, you know. You know how to, like, the baby.

[B]

2026 nude calendar coming out actually very soon.

[A]

But that's what I'm saying. You have confidence in a way. Like, I don't have the confidence. Like, you would see the two of us and be like, oh, he's probably not confident. I'm probably more confident. But it's the reverse. You're very confident, but not in a cocky way. You're confident in a powerful way. And I don't think I can do anything.

[B]

It's interesting.

[A]

So that's.

[B]

Why do you think, well, I'm bringing up.

[A]

The mindset of this is probably feeding back into, like, the guilt and the sweets and that everything is shame. Everything is, you're not good enough. Everything. You know what I mean? So it's probably Catholicism. All ties in, right?

[B]

Greek. This might just be Orthodoxy versus Catholicism.

[A]

This is what I'm saying. This is the main difference, because we.

[B]

Barely are a religion, right? It's really just a building where you have dances and you can sell lukumades and. And, like, you know, souvlaki to, like. Like, keep things afloat, right? But it's like, no, we didn't. Like, I didn't learn lessons about no God or I don't know about the Bible.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

They didn't teach us any of that shit. And, like, there's not that much guilt. I went to confession, like, one time because I went to church camp one week, right? And our church camp was just the only camp. The only camp. My parents. The only sleepaway camp. My parents. My parents were, like, scared I got. I was gonna get my whole life, right? Which, you know, part of me, I'm like, did I black it out?

[A]

Yeah. You know what I mean?

[B]

Like, because my parents are so for. They wouldn't let me sleep over any, right? They were so freaked out. And I'm like, did somebody fucking suck me off when I was 4? And I just completely, like, I've. I've literally, like, meditated and been like, did that guy suck my dick?

[A]

Yeah, come on. I can handle it. I can handle it.

[B]

I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just be like, Come on. I. I'm. I'm strong enough now, you know, open Pandora's box. But no, I can't think of. Even though I was adorable.

[A]

You were.

[B]

I was. I was. I peaked at 3. Like, I was such a cute baby. I peaked at 3, bro. I was so cute. Little bow tie. My mom would dress me up nice.

[A]

Well, I feel like it's coming full circle now, because now you're starting to look like you're just. You're just getting hot again.

[B]

Well, I've always said for. I was meant to be in my 40s.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I am actually peaking in my 40s because, like, everyone's going bald and can't handle it.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I'm ready.

[A]

What are you, 37? 36. 36. Yeah.

[B]

So I'm prime. I'm getting primed. And I'm just. All I want to do by the time I'm 40, get big arms. Fat guy with big arms.

[A]

The best.

[B]

In your 40s. Great.

[A]

You know what you should do? CrossFit. CrossFit is what?

[B]

There's no chance I'm doing that.

[A]

I'm saying it's what. Just an immediate note. Bring in the tiramisu, Chris.

[B]

You know, we're basically small business owners.

[A]

Small business.

[B]

Stavi Baby Enterprises. You know. Yes. Am I loaning out some of my expertise here on Two Bears? Yes. But I myself am a small business owner.

[A]

Yes, you are.

[B]

I have my own podcast company. I have my own, you know, Stavi's World. Obviously, we're on the road. I have my own road business. Merchandising. Right. I sell the Stavy Baby erotic calendar every year. And, you know, I used to do that. It used to be brutal. I used to sell my own T shirts out of a garbage bags. I wouldn't track shit. I would lose money. I would. Sometimes I would just. Honestly, there were times where I just didn't feel like paying to have it shipped back. If I. I thought I was gonna sell a bunch of calendars because I didn't do the math right. And I just left them at a club.

[A]

You know, there's like thousands of dollars left.

[B]

There's a funny bone with $700 worth of 2021 calendars.

[A]

Yeah, they're with like any purchase over a hundred dollars at the Dayton Funny.

[B]

Bone still to this day. But I have since, you know, it's helped me grow my business. Shopify. Shopify. Such a wonderful e commerce business. They will help you grow no matter what you're selling.

[A]

Right.

[B]

They will help your business grow. Imagine Being able to guarantee that shopping is always convenient. You kind of scroll down right as I was reading something there. Imagine being able to guarantee that shopping is always.

[A]

Dude, you got spoons?

[B]

I got speed, baby. Imagine endless aisles. Ship to customer, buy online, pick up in store. All made simpler so customers can shop how they want and staff have the tools to close the sale every time.

[A]

Like it.

[B]

Mm. In fact, it's proven, folks. Based on a report from ey businesses on Shopify point of sale see real results like 22% better. Total cost of ownership and benefits equivalent to an 8.9% uplift in sales on average relative to the market said surveyed. I don't know anything about that shit, to be honest with you. I just know my shit's gotten better since I got Shopify 100%. Alright, you want these egghead numbers that I can barely read or do you want my real 100%? I have used this company. You know my feelings. Because I'm a feelings guy.

[A]

You are.

[B]

And I want and I feel deeply about Shopify. I love them and I think you will too. Get all the big stuff for your small business right with Shopify. Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com bears. Go to shopify.com bears shopify.com bears. You know, Christopher, I know you feel this way. You're constantly moving. You have a family to support.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

You're dropping off pies to the law enforcement officials in your home hometown. Life moves fast for you and it moves fast for everybody else. And sometimes you just need a way to relax, recharge or stay focused. That's it. Without making things more complicated than they already are. You ever try meditating but then get stressed out about how bad you are at meditating?

[A]

I do.

[B]

Same Z's. That's why I love Via.

[A]

You do?

[B]

Yeah, because they actually make feeling good easy.

[A]

Dude, Via is.

[B]

I would say they're changing the game in natural wellness.

[A]

Would you really say that?

[B]

Yeah, they're combining. Combining high quality hemp derived ingredients with powerful cannabinoids to create a real effect.

[A]

Driven by the cause. I'm sick and tired of getting these pussy cannabinoids. But Via's got powerful ones.

[B]

In fact, they have the solution for you. Via lets you customize your experience whether you're looking for daily wellness, laser focus or deep relaxation. AKA the kind of chill that makes you one with your couch. You know, actually never mind that point I was gonna make.

[A]

Oh. So if you're 24, I was looking Forward to it.

[B]

I think it's actually the kind of thing that they expressly asked us not to do.

[A]

Right.

[B]

But you know, you are gonna.

[A]

You know why you're able to save yourself there? Because you're relaxed, you're chilling. Because you're on via.

[B]

Laser focused, dude. Due to via. So if you're 21 plus, check out the link to VIA in our description. Use the code bears to receive 15 off free shipping on orders over $100. And if you're new to Via, get a free gift of your choice after your purchase. They ask you where you've heard about them. Please support our show and tell them we sent you. Enhance your everyday with via.

[A]

What a slogan.

[B]

No, I just want to.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, go work out and then.

[A]

Get some weights in your new apartment.

[B]

I got some weights.

[A]

Oh, there you go. Throw them around.

[B]

I was, I was getting swole yesterday.

[A]

Hell yeah. But I think that, I think that's why I was bringing this up, because I wanted to bring this up. So I got. And this is just. This is. You gotta tell me. You gotta tell me because, you know, at times I could be like a little bitch boy.

[B]

Sure. In your own. Your own head and my.

[A]

In my own head a lot. And I know it's gay. I've seen your comments. I know it's gay. I mean, keep. Keep saying it, but just, Just know that I'm not. Not responding to you because it upsets me. It's just there's so many overwhelming comments of it that I just can't always do it.

[B]

They're like, you're not actually homosexual, but you are gay.

[A]

Right. I know. And it's also like, like they're mad.

[B]

At you for not actually being gay.

[A]

Well, and it's also too. I just want to encourage, like, please keep, keep bringing the comments, you know, whenever. But I. I've already Eminem myself. There's nothing that you've said about me that I haven't already publicly said about myself in a. I mean, I literally was. I got the, the, this screaming that I got from my mother last week for saying that I had sex in her bedroom. So, like, just know, like, I know.

[B]

That's interesting.

[A]

I publicly say everything about me. Always.

[B]

Did she not know?

[A]

I, I mean, infuriated.

[B]

She never had any idea.

[A]

No. And like seven of her friends sent her that clip. She's like, I get a call. She goes, I see the call coming crib, and I say, oh, I kind of just knew. And she didn't. It wasn't even Though, because my mom always be like, hello, where are you? How's it? But it wasn't even that. I go, hello? She goes, christopher, why do I have to get the clip of you talking about you having sex in my bedroom from Janine? Why is Janine sending me that fucking clip? She's like, I told you, stop embarrassing this family on the podcast. And then I was like. And then while we're on the phone, I'm like explaining it to her, right? I'm like, you know, mom, like, I'm a grown man now. I could be able to say things like that. One of her other friends sent her the clip in the middle of it. Yeah. I swear to God, she's like, now I'm getting it from Mary.

[B]

So she did not know you were fucking in her.

[A]

Well, I said to her, I said, mom, mom, I get, I get that. I. I get that. Coming out with that is crazy. I get that. But why are you mad? Like, what, do you have to wash the sheets? That was in 1999.

[B]

Slept in my jizz.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. You've been rolling around in it for 25 years. Years.

[B]

Cuz there's no way you change the sheets.

[A]

No, dude. And there's no way she changed the carpet, dude. I used to do it on the floor too. Yeah, just flooding her carpet. But it's one of those things.

[B]

That's awesome, dude.

[A]

Just getting screwed.

[B]

Is there a chair there in that room?

[A]

No, no, just straight up bed, bed floor, bed floor. You know what you used to have in there? Like, I don't know if you remember this. This was like, like late 90s, early 2000, like, pillows of people were like, I had an ultimate Warrior pillow. I had like, you know, Hulk Hogan pillow.

[B]

Of course I remember those. Those guys, you know what I mean? They were like small. Yeah.

[A]

Yes. She had a Rosie o' Donnell pillow. And so you used to lay it on her bed. And then I would do things because I was just like a sick. I would like, you know, make her bed in the morning or whatever. Like she went to work or, you know, and then I would put.

[B]

Smell her pen, put him in the hand.

[A]

I would put like ultimate warrior, like eating out Rosie o' Donnell or Rosie o' Donnell laying on Hulk Hogan's te paint.

[B]

So she was called pillow buddies or something. Because I remember them, dude.

[A]

Remember those? My mom says she still has some of mine, like in the basement. So I'm like, oh, I got to bring those out. But.

[B]

So I was a big Rosie o' Donnell show fan by the way I loved it. I was a little kid. I was like, rosie rules.

[A]

I love that. By the way, you saying you're a fan of Rosie o' DONNELL right now would divide the audience in half.

[B]

It was a good show. Yeah, it was a good show. And look, by the way, I'm like a fat little child.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

I also, this is how funny it was. Like, I obviously had no concept of what being gay was. And, like, the one thing Greek orthodoxy instills in you is like, oh, gay people are still wrong. You know, like, they don't teach you any lessons, but they still are like, you should still be a bigot.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I remember literally this. I was like, maybe, you know, maybe I was like, I don't know, third grade, fourth grade. I remember, like. And they were like, the. Back then, it was the rumors of Rosie o' Donnell being gay. And I remember being like, she is not fucking gay. I was, like, pissed off when someone would call her gay. I'd be like. And I remember praying that Rosie o' Donnell was straight. Being like, God, just keep Rosie straight.

[A]

I don't want Rosie to go to hell. Yeah, make her.

[B]

I want her to be in. I want to do her talk show in heaven.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I want her to throw a koosh ball at me in heaven.

[A]

So, yeah, come on, keep her straight. Make Ricky, like, gay.

[B]

No, I was a big Ricky fan for other reasons. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. So, okay. Anyway, so I'm not going to name the company, but tell me. Just be honest. Okay. Because you. Again, I'm. I'm specifically doing this because you are confident. And I'm like, so if you would handle this.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

In an egoless way, I'd be like, okay, but if this is going to even upset you, I'll know. I'm more in the right. So I'm looking for honesty here.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Okay. Even though this is a form of entertainment, the show that we're doing.

[B]

Of course.

[A]

So I say, so I get an email from. And by the way, this, this show is a big show. It's a big show that A Listers do. So I'm aware of that already, that this is A Listers, like big guys do it. So they say it'd be. We're reaching out with some opportunities and then they name the show and they say, we'd love to feature you and Shane Gillis paired in an upcoming episode. So right there. But I'm okay with that. Cause I'm like, shane being paired with Shane.

[B]

That's awesome.

[A]

I'm like, that's Great, dude. Like seriously. So then she goes, transparently we've been in communication with Shane's team, but there hasn't been any significant movement.

[B]

Oh my God.

[A]

Right? So now it's like that was a sinking figure. Cause I'm like, oh wait, are they gonna. Are they trying to.

[B]

Already emailed Matt McCusker, he's not getting back to us either.

[A]

Yeah, they say, I know you're tight.

[B]

With him, so let me check my email. I wonder if I got this too.

[A]

No, I actually already pitched you. They said, no. I was like, I'm doing two bears would stop me when he worked. They're like, no, they said, I know you're tight with Shane, so hoping it moves the needle a bit more details below. Then they tell me about the show, blah, blah, blah, blah blah. And then I say, hey, would love to come on. Do you know when you'd want to shoot or release by? I have a show at theater at Madison Square Garden on September 11, christycomedy.com for tickets. I said, so I said, so if it can be before then that would be great. And then I also said, if not, all good, let me know. Thanks. I'm already being a bit of a wavering pussy.

[B]

No, that's okay. You're fine.

[A]

But then, but then she writes back, amazing. Yes. Just heard we can do it before 9 11. Do you think you can get Shane on board?

[B]

Hey, yeah, cool. Whatever fucking date you want. But how about the point what this is really about?

[A]

So I'm like, okay, just.

[B]

Can we double check about your more famous friend?

[A]

Yes. Yeah, that's why we're really asking.

[B]

I mean they're completely fucking irrelevant.

[A]

So then she goes, so then I go, I go, okay, great. And then I just flat out say go. Shane doesn't live in New York City anymore, so I doubt he honestly can. I just was like this way to just protect. Because I'm not going to reach out to Shane. I don't have a transactional friend. She's like my actual friend.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I'm like, I'm not just going to ask Shane for stuff. And also. So he's not gonna fly to New York, do this.

[B]

No, Shane doesn't do anything. He doesn't.

[A]

It's like. And I get it.

[B]

And I get absolutely.

[A]

And it's a huge show. But even that, what does Shane need.

[B]

Any of this shit for?

[A]

So then she goes, got you curious. What about Theo Vaughn? Holy shit. Not even like, oh, all right, you.

[B]

Just figure it out.

[A]

We'll find someone else Next up, what about Fiorvon?

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

So then they say they want a paired episode. So transparently, it's kind of contingent on that.

[B]

Contingent.

[A]

Then they go, if this opportunity doesn't work, we can also pivot and get you in studio to do some social concepts instead.

[B]

They're like, hey, you know, like, if you can't get somebody better than you. Yeah, we'll let you do some bullshit that no one watches.

[A]

Yeah, you want to do the bull. Yeah. The waste your time. And then I don't respond. Now I'm like, I'm not responding. And then she just. This morning goes, morning. Chris. Just wanted to flag the team can travel for the episode. Not sure where Shane is currently based, but if you have a show where he's at, we. But if you have a show where he's at, we can do it there. Keep me posted. How do I respond to this?

[B]

Wow.

[A]

I mean, so let me ask you this.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

This is. You know, that I'm so. Even you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Who's a confident guy would. Would feel this. This. I'm being disrespected. Even though I know my place.

[B]

You are.

[A]

Yes. I'm being disrespected. And I could feel away about it.

[B]

I think you should just be like, hey, I'm not bait for my more famous friends like you. I don't want to do your fucking show.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, I don't have to do your fucking show.

[A]

That. Yeah.

[B]

Like, I mean, they clearly don't value you at all.

[A]

Right.

[B]

The only value is that you. Your proximity to Shane.

[A]

That's all.

[B]

That's it. It's them being like, I don't give a fuck about you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, let me just be honest. We don't care about you, Chris.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Can you do our job?

[A]

Right? Exactly.

[B]

So you can be mostly cut out of it.

[A]

Yeah, dude. Just have fucking dm, Shane or Theo. Yeah. Dud. It's like, suck my ass. Yeah, I know. It's like, whatever. But it's like, yeah, dude. And then the. You know, I just look.

[B]

But it's here, you know? You know what?

[A]

That's. But that's the good.

[B]

If that happened to me, I think I would just be like, oh, I'm not doing this.

[A]

You know, like, hey, I'm gonna. Politely.

[B]

Even the first one, it's like, I think my spidey senses would have gone off a little bit.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, the very first one. Because they're kind of saying it like. Like they have Shane. Like, if I had seen that, I've been like, this is not how. Because I just know Shane wouldn't have done that.

[A]

Right?

[B]

There's no way Shane would have been like, oh, great, sign me up and then book one of my friends.

[A]

Like, well, I think, too, what's the good thing? I think what happens is, too, is like everybody kind of wafts their own shit on the Internet. Like, the show is humongous. Can't even deny it. But it's like, it's not like, I'll do your show. Not. I don't care. You know, I mean, I would like to do it, but it's like the level of District. Like, I'm not gonna go in there with this energy, and then I won't be fun or funny. Like, you know, so I'm just like, I just won't do it. I'm just happy doing. I'm just happy where my career is at, which is just taking two bears, one cave to the end, right? To the end of the summer and the end of the show.

[B]

The end of the show.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, absolutely.

[A]

But. So I'm happy to know that even you, because I literally. And even my girl Jazz was like, you need to let this go because it's been 24 hours of you talking to ChatGPT about. About what you could say back.

[B]

Yeah, no, you can't be doing this.

[A]

Should I read some of the Chat GPT prom, please?

[B]

That's pathetic.

[A]

You can't do that. No, not chatgpt. Yeah, hold on, hold on. I go. I go.

[B]

Give me the. What? Let me. Let me know what you asked it.

[A]

Okay, so, Chachi. Okay, hold on, hold on.

[B]

This is more pathetic than in your mom's bed.

[A]

Yeah. So I said. So first of all, it's literally been. It's literally been since. Since yesterday I've been dealing with this. So I said, I sent them screenshots of the text, I sent the screenshots of the email, and I go to ChatGPT. Can't help but feel like they're using me to get more comedians and feeling more established. Oh, no, dude.

[B]

You're looking at ChatGPT for moral support. And you're also, by the way, you're a bitch talking to Chad gbt. Like, I can't help, but it's not like Chat GPT I'm being disrespected. Like, you're a hoping chatgpt says, no, Chris, they value you as a person.

[A]

Right.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[A]

Well, I have to turn to ChatGPT because Jasmine just stopped talking to me. About it. She's like, I'm going to go in the pool with our children, so you should come and do it.

[B]

So cooked. If a man with a family turns.

[A]

Yes, yes.

[B]

You have friends.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You have friends who deal with this sort of thing. You could have called me, right? You could have called any number of people. You went to chat. We're cooked.

[A]

Well, that's what a content whore I am. I said, instead of just talking about the. And talking to Stavi about this personally, let's just do it on.

[B]

Let's monetize it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Let's monetize friendship.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Which is what Biden says.

[A]

Hey, but you know what, guys? At least. At least we're not talking about the Ferraris we bought each other, so that's a plus.

[B]

This is how it starts, though.

[A]

Yeah, that's true. So then ChatGPT says from the email thread, it looks like they're initially pitching you as a paired appearance with Shane, but now they're making it sound like the booking is kind of contingent on the pairing. And I said. And I said. I said, yeah. And I can't help but feel they think I'm the lesser comic. No, I swear to God. There they go.

[B]

I can't help but feel, yes, yes, yes.

[A]

Which I am all understanding of. But then they go.

[B]

Then they go.

[A]

They go, yeah. The way they're phrasing it does come off like they see you as the anchor guest, only if paired with someone they think has more mainstream pull. It's not that they don't value you, they clearly do. But their pitch reads like, chris is great, but we need a bigger name to make this epic episode pop. That's an ego hit, especially when you're already doing huge numbers and have your own audience. I wouldn't say huge, but I do have my own audience. And then they go, listen, this happens a lot in media booking. They underestimate the size and loyalty. Then they say, oh, my God, it's.

[B]

Giving you a pep talk.

[A]

Yes. It says they underestimate the size and loyalty of your fan base because they're chasing what they think looks good on paper.

[B]

You have to stop.

[A]

You could absolutely carry that episode and probably pull higher engagement than some of the more established comics. They're naming one, not the two they've named. They would definitely crush me in the numbers.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Then I said, is he giving you a pep talk? Then they go, here's a way you could respond that's professional, but also subtly flips the script. And then they say, hey, Totally get. You want a paired episode, but honestly, I think we can make a strong one with just us. My audience is super engaged, and I know they show up for it.

[B]

That's pathetic. It wants you to grovel to them.

[A]

Yes. If Shane or Theo can't make it work, I'm happy to still do the show and bring the energy. So then you gotta stop. So then. So then. And then I go, what would happen if I just didn't respond at all? And then they go, if you don't respond at all, you're sending one of two possible signals. One signal of disinterest. I'm too busy. Power move. Or a signal of passivity. Easy to replace in this case. You'd lose this slot entirely without a fight. Wow.

[B]

They want you to fight for it, man.

[A]

They want me to fight for it. So then. Then. So then I.

[B]

You can't do it. Don't listen to chat.

[A]

GPT can't do it. So then I. So then I go, hey, can you give me a comedic way to respond to them by. By making. Just because I know ChatGPT will send me something corny.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So they go, I said, but still give me power move. They go, sure. They go, hey, right back. Pairing me with Shane or Theo sounds great. I'm in if you can make that happen. But I'm not gonna start stalking comics on Instagram like I'm a TMZ intern. Oh, if you can lock them in, I'll show up and be funny. If not, I'm happy to come show up. Own still make a good episode. Then they go, I can also give you a short one line zinger version. If you want to feel even breezier, let me say. Sure.

[B]

My stomach turn.

[A]

Sure. Give me that. Hold on. Let's see what they got. Here's a quick zinger you could drop. Happy to pair up, but I'm not running a dating service for comedians. Wow. Zinger.

[B]

Zinger. Yeah. I mean, this is pathetic.

[A]

That's pathetic. I mean, well, I did it. I did it for you.

[B]

On their side. I am fully. I am fully on their side.

[A]

I get it.

[B]

Going to Chad. GPT. We gotta stop that.

[A]

Hey, you know what? At least I was vulnerable enough to tell the audience.

[B]

That's true.

[A]

I'm not. That. That. That's what. That's what I think. That's why I think some. Some. Somewhere along the line, I do get man points back when I'll just tell everything that I've done.

[B]

It's true.

[A]

I'll be honest with everyone. I'll be honest to everyone except my family.

[B]

And they'll find out about it through the podcast, right? Yes, they'll find out about your darkest secret secrets through the podcast.

[A]

Yeah, sure. Yes.

[B]

That's hilarious, dude. Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

So basically, bottom line is I'm gonna do the show. Yeah, I'm gonna do the show. And I've contacted Shane and Theo's reps.

[B]

No, no, we just. See in like a month, it's like. You and Sal are doing the show.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

It's just like.

[A]

Do you want to do the show? Should I ask if we could do styles?

[B]

No, man.

[A]

You don't even want to do it?

[B]

No. Just because the way they treated my friend. Appreciate that, dude.

[A]

Yeah, thank you.

[B]

Ridiculous.

[A]

I love that. I have morals and I'm standing up for myself here. But then I'll go to Saudi Arabia.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah. You're a piece of shit, dude.

[A]

I mean, like, I. Yeah, I'm. I'm wavering if I. If I should not go.

[B]

No, you're going. You know, you're going.

[A]

Just go. Right? I mean, Sakura told me to go.

[B]

I wouldn't go. Well, there you go. There you go. And he's given us this podcast.

[A]

Yeah, I know.

[B]

I. Look, we don't have to keep talking about. I don't give. I just think there's certain.

[A]

Did we talk about it last week?

[B]

I think we've talked about it before. I think so. I think so. Just because there's just certain. I mean, but at the same time, almost no entertainment money comes from a good place.

[A]

No, but, you know, it's like, do you want to take it from. From them, or do you want to take it from someone who's probably assaulted, you know, millions of people?

[B]

Millions.

[A]

Yeah. I don't know who I'm even talking about.

[B]

Millions is crazy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But, yes, it is. It is an industry propped up by sex criminals.

[A]

Sure. And we're a part of it.

[B]

War criminals. And we're in there. We're in it.

[A]

We're in it all. We're in it all.

[B]

I mean, all of society really is. If you really. If we really get back to it.

[A]

Right.

[B]

You know?

[A]

Well, everywhere. And that's too. Like, sometimes when I think about, like. Like I said earlier, I don't want to have a transactional relationship with any of my friends, but it's like everything. Like, life is just. It's all transactional stuff. Like, in some ways. Some ways I think it's.

[B]

The part of the problem is that we've kind of been we're conditioned to think that way where it's like, instead of just being like, oh, it's my friend who I like to be around and like, whatever happened, we're here for each other. When we support, we can support. It's like, I do think, unfortunately, we are kind of trained to assign value to people in essentially monetarily, which is not how people have all kinds of different value. And all, you know, you get. There's things that you could get out of a relationship that are much different than can somebody help my career? Can somebody lead to me getting more money? It's just like, do I like being around this person? How do I feel? You know, all that kind of shit. I think that's all the community based stuff. And then also, like, you just do things because, like, that's the thing. It's like a friend is just ideally, friends and family are just people that are like, you are there for no matter what. That's the whole point. Everything else, you figure it out.

[A]

Well, my father always says family is important, even if you don't get along with them, because they're the only people that were chosen for you. You didn't choose. You just were born into this and they're a part of your sphere and there's really no. Nobody knows why.

[B]

Yeah, you're just.

[A]

They were chosen for you. So that's why they're big time important. That's why you got to give your cous. Yeah. No, but I think what you're saying is that I feel that, like, you know, obviously, you know, we're all, we're all. Every person has got a good and a bad side. We're all kind of living in this ying and the yang duality. But I do feel that I very. I do. Like, I do not ever want to just reach out to someone and say, I'm reaching out to you for like a friend. Like, I would never just reach out to you to be like, hey, I'm checking in on you. But also, can you help do this? I don't want. So that's why I was like, text later.

[B]

It's what. It's.

[A]

You don't want to.

[B]

You don't want to do to your friend with that.

[A]

Exactly. I don't want to be that. I would never ask Shane or Theo that ever. I mean, if they, if we did it all together, great. But it's like, I would not because I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna get involved. And people do that in our business all the time. Because there's a desperation in our business. That's wild.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And so I'm like, I. I don't want to be part of that.

[B]

Yeah. You know, I'm with you. I think, I think, you know, you just gotta. The desperation is hilarious how people are just be like, yeah, I need this bad.

[A]

I need it. But it's like, it's just like even I think social media has done that where it's like everybody's. Dude, I'm telling you, I think, I think. I don't know if we've said it here on this episode, but I have not been on social media for like eight weeks. I have, you know, my guy Brian, AKA Lancelot runs it and who's great. So I'm still a part, you know, it's career. So I'll post videos on. But I have not looked.

[B]

That's good.

[A]

And dude, the amount of happy number one you go, you get off your phone. They had addict. I mean, I'm still addicted to my phone, of course, but that you're just. Yeah, I mean I found a way to bring it on the podcast. You're just talking to Chinese. Yeah.

[B]

Tell me I'm a good comedian.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Tell me my life's good.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Tell me, tell me going to be a good husband.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Even though I'm really scared.

[A]

Tell me. Yeah, tell me I got the right house. Yeah. Should I sell it? Yeah.

[B]

Well, if you've been sorry, go ahead.

[A]

Well, so I'm saying, like, you know, I. I feel like social media getting off it, like, I'm telling you, dude, I really believe even in these like past eight weeks, even if it were detrimental, like it would hurt my career in a very big way because we're all so linked to social media. But if they ban social media, I'd be willing, just for the good of society and my own family and whatever, I'd be fully willing to like go back to becoming a physical therapist if it meant social media is gone.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Because it is so. It is so beyond bad for you. There's. How do you feel about that? Yeah.

[B]

I mean there's always so many. Like right now, the funniest thing, because I've gotten unfortunately, I do.

[A]

You have great calves, by the way.

[B]

Thank you. I appreciate it.

[A]

I mean I was talking about it, but they are stunning.

[B]

You do? I'm back on. Unfortunately. I've been. I've become re. Addicted to my phone.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And it is funny. It is pathetic. What like gets what people get mad like right now, now, like the Controversy that people just get. People just want to be mad. They're addicted to being mad. It's so funny. The newest thing that, like, Republicans and conservatives are mad at is there's this, like, really gay Minnesota Vikings cheerleader. It's a male cheerleader. Ben C. See if you can pull this guy up. He's hilarious.

[A]

Senor Spoon.

[B]

Senor. Senorita Spoon. Yeah, dude. And they're mad. They're like. They're like, oh, can't believe this. This is what. And like, Kevin Sorbo, the guy who played her now, does like. I mean, look at this guy. He's fucking awesome. He looks fucking hilarious, dude.

[A]

Yeah, that kind of. That, you know, like, Tom and Bert did the girl filters. That looks like me if I did the girl filters. Right, right.

[B]

Look at those cheekbones. And it's like. It's like. I'm sorry you're mad a male cheerleader is gay?

[A]

Yeah. Like, what are we talking about?

[B]

Oh, what the hell? I heard a softball coach is a lesbian.

[A]

Yeah, it's like, what are we fucking talking about?

[B]

Male cheerleaders are gay as hell. It's fucking hilarious.

[A]

Yeah, dude, it's like, what do you think if they ever put on, like, a play about George Washington, the guy's playing George Washington you think is straight? No, dude, that guy will literally be reading, you know, documents from the colonial times with cum coming out of his butt on the stage. So, like, I agree with you. Like, I mean, look, this is what gay.

[B]

Gay guys are supposed to be.

[A]

Exactly what he wanted to do. This is. He literally.

[B]

He looks awesome.

[A]

This is top shelf gay.

[B]

This is gay.

[A]

Is he the first gay male?

[B]

Of course not. There's thousands.

[A]

No, but I. But it's interesting because I never even thought about this. I thought NFL cheerleaders were only. Only women. They have.

[B]

And look, there's plenty of straight guys, too. But it's like, you're telling me gay guys can't be cheerleaders?

[A]

Yeah. What the fuck are we talking about?

[B]

We want gay guys to go.

[A]

Yeah, seriously. I think.

[B]

But, I mean, I guess that is the problem. They don't want to.

[A]

What are they. What is the issue with this? Like, they're saying, like, just that a.

[B]

Gay person is involved in football, I guess.

[A]

But it's like the guys tackling each other and then slapping each other in the butts after they score touchdowns is not gay.

[B]

I mean, I'm sure there are gay guys in the locker room.

[A]

NFL player on the Raiders. He's.

[B]

Oh, yeah, exactly. Carl Naseeb.

[A]

Right?

[B]

Something like that. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah.

[A]

But he's a gay Muslim. It sounds like.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, right. Naseeb, I think he. I don't know if he's a white Muslim. Is he.

[A]

Is he a white Muslim?

[B]

He's white.

[A]

Interesting.

[B]

But yeah, it's like, come look at this guy and tell me he shouldn't be a cheerleader.

[A]

Of course he should. I mean, look at that cute little. I actually like him on the left better with the longer hair than the.

[B]

Right, even though I don't think that's the same guy.

[A]

Oh, there you go.

[B]

Maybe that guy's gay as well. But everyone's mad at the first guy with the long hair because he does do one gay guy. One awesome gay guy look that I love is, like, makeup and then facial hair. It's so awesome.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, beautiful, sparkling eyes and like, a little blush. And then they got a mustache, and people get so pissed off about it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Look at him, dude. Look at those fucking eyebrows.

[A]

This guy looks like I got a. I love it.

[B]

I mean, you're getting. You 100% would get your ass licked a couple times by this guy.

[A]

Oh, 1,000%. I mean, I would argue that. I. I've. It's been, like, before by him when I've been in Minnesota multiple times.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Look at those beautiful.

[A]

Honestly, to be honest with you, dude. And he looks to me, like more feminine, like, with the lips and eyes. Like, I've. I've definitely hooked up with girls who are closer to being a man.

[B]

Feminine.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

I. I would say this is a more. I've hooked up with girls who are more or more masculine than this 100. You know, so, like, I agree. I don't. I honestly do. To me, the gay having a problem with anybody or anything being gay is cr. The only one that I can see. The point is the women in sport is the men biological, the transgender in sports only because I understand that it does affect the women. I get that.

[B]

But here's the thing about that, is that maybe at the absolute highest levels, and if it's a combat sport, we can have a discussion. But what's up is most of this is kids that want to play sports.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

You know what I mean? It's like, I, like, I have friends who have, like, nieces and nephews who are trans that want to play just softball or whatever to learn what it's like to be a team player to do that.

[A]

I'm in agreement on that.

[B]

And. And like, that. And it's like, you know, that's and that is way more of a problem. And also, it's just not an issue. There's not that many people. I saw a tweet somewhere that was really funny. Like, there's more pictures of Donald Trump with Ghislaine Maxwell than there are trans athletes in the ncaa.

[A]

It's like, this is the fucking. Yeah.

[B]

Like that is like the way people have made this a big deal. And it's like, look, I'll even say whatever. At the highest levels of competition, if we want to have. If we want to like.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Talk about it on a case by case basis, that's one thing. But by and large, it's another thing. That's not a fucking problem that people make up.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because they just want. Want, you know, they want someone who's weird to have a hard life.

[A]

Right. I get. I. I totally. I. I understand that. I get. I get kids. I've always been okay with that.

[B]

Like, you gotta learn camaraderie.

[A]

The older, the older, you know, you know, at a professional level or an Olympic level. It's like, you know, because I just think about like girls, you know, then it's like not fair for like actual like, you know, biological females if they're gonna lose something because the bottom mid.

[B]

Look, dude, has that ever happened though? I mean, the one.

[A]

Thomas is the one.

[B]

But that's the one Case talking about. I was like in fifth place. She sucked. Right.

[A]

You know what I mean?

[B]

It's always people who are bad. I would argue if you're a real competitor. If you're like female Michael Jordan, you know how pissed. Imagine Michael Jordan's a woman.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And Joanna man comes around. I would love to. Or like, or like a trans. It's like. And I took that personal. You know what I mean? Like female Michael Jordan would be beat by, you know, would be. Would try and beat trans. Like, you know, I would love.

[A]

Alone or whatever. I would love that. That's. That's gonna be the equalizer.

[B]

If you're a real competitor, go beat a trans woman. If you're really about it. Tiger woods, if he was a chick, he'd be the.

[A]

When the first trans. What is it? Woman, male to female goes. Plays basketball, wnba. That would be like the Joanna man thing. When that happens, like Dwight Howard comes out there. That's going to be the thing that's going to. It's going to get to the. Because somebody's going to. By the way.

[B]

I think they're already. There are already like. But it's like women who have kind of transitioned who are sort of like non binary.

[A]

Right, right.

[B]

In the wnba, that might be the most queer friendly league in the world. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

You know, figure skating.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I feel like they got a lot of mean straight girls in figure skating too.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And there might be weirdly like a straight homophobic, like Eastern European. Yeah. You know what I mean? Who's like, who's like, I must beat these fucking homos. I will triple axel straight. I will straightly beat these homosexuals.

[A]

I think it's one of those things. You can't be a male figure skater and be straight because the moment you land a triple axel, like, that's gay. Yeah. I don't know. Just spinning around.

[B]

I don't know. You might be able to fuck. I mean, those girls are hot. You're right in the mix. It's like the theater. It's like the straight theater kid.

[A]

Right.

[B]

You know what I mean? There's so much ass there. Yeah. Because like the. I. If I had a, you know, if I had a son, I would tell him, do an activity that everyone thinks is gay. If you're straight.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I mean, dude, if you're gay and you just want to suck off other theater boys, great.

[A]

Why the hell not?

[B]

But like, if you're straight, do theater, do like something. Be the manager of like the girls field hockey team. Do something that they think gay guys do. Because now you are actually. First of all, you'll learn to be comfortable around women. You'll have actual friendships with them. And then someone's gonna suck you off. Whereas I'm over here playing GameCube, you know, I mean, playing football, there's no pussy to be gotten anywhere.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

All the cool guys on the football team, they get pussy. I had a friend who was 17 and had like, he was hooking up with like a 32 year old mother. Like mother of two, you know. But he was like one of those kids was 17 and like, you know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Has a fucking Acura gets from single mothers.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He ended up playing a little bit in the NFL. Like he was like fucking, you know, these guys are awesome. Like I'm competing with those guys. Whereas like I should have been in theater.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I should have been like getting sucked off and. Or be an anime kid. Be a. We go in a weird group because the weird kids suck and fuck.

[A]

Right.

[B]

In the ways where you're trying to, like when you're trying to be like popular. You were trying to win the regular games. That's a fucking Fool's errand.

[A]

Right.

[B]

If you're. If you're a young boy, find a special interest with women, and that way you will get your dick sucked and you will be more comfortable around women as you grow up.

[A]

Dude, I think that should be our merch for this. Someone's gonna suck you off.

[B]

Someone will suck you.

[A]

Someone will suck you off. Should be the merch. Yeah. I mean, dude, I agree. I agree. And I feel like, you know.

[B]

Know. Yeah. Sorry.

[A]

No go.

[B]

My only point. And we don't have to actually make points.

[A]

Let's try, though.

[B]

It's really hard. We're both pretty dumb.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And it just comes down to.

[A]

No. I want to be those comedians. Like, we try to get serious and make points.

[B]

Now what I actually think. Tell me. No, I don't give a. Actually, I'm done making points. You're right. Making points is gay.

[A]

I know, dude. I told you.

[B]

Slipping into, like, my real beliefs. I just think we should be nicer to people overall. There's a lot of people being dickheads and being.

[A]

I agree with that.

[B]

It's just like, look, dude, gay people are hilarious and they're awesome. People that are different than you make life better is really what it comes down to.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

You know what I mean? Like, that's all. That's the only. And I hate that I even think about getting political because we're just in a weird time where it's like, people are very rude to a lot of different types. People who have made my life better for no reason.

[A]

And by the way, the people. 100. Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

You know what I'm saying? Yeah. You know, like just the. The cuisine. The cuisine that immigrants and the arts that gay people have brought on to me.

[A]

Dude, the thing is, we can't have you. The world that you love so much is only here because we're all here. Like, we're all. Everybody.

[B]

Without Quince, I would have never had ketamine.

[A]

100%, dude.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[A]

Dude. And they're just, like, fun. Like gay people especially. By the way, I love that it only took five episodes for the fans to 100% begin to start to hate us. So here's a good. Like that now.

[B]

Thank you for understanding because we tried to throw the last one right. Right. But we actually made it funny.

[A]

The whole. It got more views.

[B]

So what we did. What we're doing. I. I tried the Trojan horse. Getting serious at the end.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And being. Having sort of like, like left opinions.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

On social comment. It's like, that's how we're actually gonna fucking burn this to the ground.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

You know what I mean? It's like, that's like we tried by just having a back bad episode. This one pretty. It's actually worse than the last one.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And we made points and we made. And we started pontificating at the end.

[A]

Yes. And then the only thing left to do now is on the next and final episode. Let's just talk for an hour about the weeds of comedy. Just in and out comedy clubs.

[B]

Yeah. Make fucking. We kind of did a little bit. I talked about Revision Lounge. Make. Make like specific like. Like rooms that have been closed for years.

[A]

Let's talk about that. And then the last 10 minutes, just cherry on top. Let's talk about the vaccine.

[B]

Ooh, that's good. I'll piss everyone off. I'll be like a social leftist with like anti vax opinions.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Talking about how what a good I. How healthy America has been made now that there's no vaccines. And now Coca Cola's made with real sugar.

[A]

Right.

[B]

That's health.

[A]

I mean, you be.

[B]

I'm fat as shit, but it's like it's still sugar.

[A]

You take the stance that Fauci isn't a war criminal.

[B]

Fauci's awesome.

[A]

Yep. And we need to.

[B]

We need gay women to box. We need not just trans women. I want men to be able to fight women in the Olympics, dude.

[A]

By the way, I would say I got my VO2 Max tested yesterday. Do you know the VO2 Max is?

[B]

No.

[A]

So what the VO2 Max is, is you basically go. It is a test that according to like the leading experts now, you know, the, you know, research is always evolving, but they say this is the number one predictor of longevity. If you have a high enough VO2 max, you know, obviously anything can happen, but like, just from a cardiovascular type thing, you will be okay because your heart can sustain. It's basically takes your heart to the highest level it can go. And then based off is that when.

[B]

You have to jog with like the bane mask.

[A]

Exactly. They put the mask on. So I did this test. I got blood work, they did all these tests, whatever. And so on the via. The guy running it was this great gay guy, right? He had like. He actually looked like the Minnesota Vikings cheerleader. It might actually be, but. But he was fun. So he. So he's fun. I mean even. Cause you know, you're a little nervous. Like, he's like. He's like, let me get this little mask on you. You know, he's like, really flamboyant and fun. So he's like. And then he's like, trying to tell. He's like, you have such a giant head. As he's like, tightening. I swear to God, he was like, I need to put my leg on something and give it a pull just to get this mask. And then he goes, is the mask on?

[B]

He's just straddling you? He's just sitting.

[A]

Yeah, he's just sitting on you like this. He goes, is the mask on tight? And I said, yeah. I said, yeah, it's. It's on. It's, you know, it's on relatively tight. And he was like, okay, good. And then he'd like, just for like, just to make sure he, like, pulled in and like, strap, like kind of like hit the strap off my head. He was like, I didn't need to do that. I like to just have fun. So he just hit me. So I get on the treadmill, right? And with the way it works is you warm up at 3.7 miles per hour.

[B]

Oh, God. Full sprint as far as I'm concerned.

[A]

It's like a lot. It's like a walk.

[B]

It's a power. I know what 3.7 is.

[A]

3.7. So you do that for three minutes and four.

[B]

Four, to me, four is sprinting.

[A]

So 3.7. And then you do that for three minutes as, like, the warmup. And then every minute they go up 0.6, 0.6. So it goes 4.3, you know, and then you keep.

[B]

I'm literally done after four minutes. I'm not kidding.

[A]

So. No, well, so what they do is they, you know, obviously you keep going up, and then you basically have to hit a red button, but they can see, like, when your VO2 max is the highest. And then. So, like, I went, you know, kept going, like, you know, pushed as hard as I could. I almost blew out my Achilles, but pushed as hard I could.

[B]

And then. What'd you get up to?

[A]

I got actually up to 9.4. Nine point, whatever. One, whatever that math.

[B]

So you were there for like, seven minutes or so?

[A]

Yeah, so I actually moved my VO2 max into now into like the. For 40 year olds, the 90th percentile. So. But like. But your VO2 max will be different. And because you're younger than me, right? So it's like I moved it up, but I've been trying to, like, work on that whatever. So. But anyway, like, he was just fun because he. I come off like, you know, he's like, you Know, breathe, whatever. And then he's like, hey. He was like, I have good news and bad news. What do you want first? I was like. I was like, I guess the bad news. He was like, I'm better than you. He was like, you're like, not even close to me. And I was like, okay. He was like, but you want the good news now? I was like, yeah. He goes, for a 40 year old, honey, you are fit. And he goes. And he goes, you have legit zaddy energy on your. I swear to God. Because you have zaddy energy on that VO2 max time. He was like, let's. And then it was fun because he was just like, funny. He's like, let's go over the results. And I was like, this is better than some like Russian doctor being like, I need to put you on statin.

[B]

Totally.

[A]

I need. You need pill. This guy was like, let's go over it. So he's like breaking it down. He's like, what? You can do better? What? You know, can't.

[B]

Whatever.

[A]

And then he goes. And then as I was leaving, this is why I just love. Like, because they're just honest. As I was leaving, a person, person who's coming in recognized me and was like, oh, you know, love, whatever. And I was like, oh, thanks. And then. And then the guy's like, wait a second.

[B]

No, I love that. That's another very important thing with gay culture. We need people to not respect us.

[A]

Well, that.

[B]

Well, because they don't know who we are. We're not famous in gay. In the gay community. I need someone to judge me at the gym. Cause when somebody recognizes me at the gym, like, straight people are like, hey, even if they don't know me, they're like a fat guy in the gym. Yeah, they tip my. They're kids, Cap. Someone who knows me is like, hell yeah. Gay people are pissed.

[A]

Pissed.

[B]

Just jacked gay dudes. I went to the Hollywood, the West Hollywood, like, crunch.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And the contempt that I saw from gay men, they were like, how dare you take up this machine, you hog?

[A]

You know?

[B]

And I need that. I need to feel that.

[A]

I also love. I also love the openness too of gay men. I remember one time I was at a Best Buy and the guy was helping me pick out a TV was like a flamboyant gay guy. And then same thing happened. Somebody recognized me and he was like, oh, what are you doing? I was like, I'm a comedian. He was like, oh, my God. He was like, do you know my favorite comedian? I Was like, matteo Lane? And he was like, yeah, how did you guess? I was like, you know, figured you were a fan of his, whatever. And then he goes, do you know him? And I was like, oh, yeah, he was a good friend of mine. And I was like, he's probably one of the most talented guys I've ever met. He goes, I blew him once in Chicago, I swear to God. And then he just said that to me, which is like, my family's there. And then just pivots. He's like, so do you want the insurance package on this? You should get a warranty. These things do break. It's a vio.

[B]

Incredible.

[A]

But then the guy who my V2 max says, he, you know, the other person, whatever, recognizes me. And then he goes, oh, my God, are you someone? Are you famous? And I was like, well, I'm not famous. I was like. I was like. And then the other guy, he was like, no, he's a well known comedian. I was like, tell that to freaking complex. And then. And then he goes. And then the guy. And again, this is what. There's no bullshit at all. He goes, I don't know you. And I gotta be honest with you, comedy isn't for me. And I was like, uncle Unnecessary. Like, oh, cool.

[B]

Just give me an oh, cool.

[A]

Unnecessary. But honestly, the honesty, Like, I forgot your name, sir, but I love you. I love what you do. You're freaking awesome.

[B]

Good for you, man. 90th percentile.

[A]

90Th percentile. VO2 max. And he said. And the only thing he said to me, because I've lost like £11. He was like, you've lost £11? Great work. He goes, but you still do have a little bit of extra fat on your hips.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So he just was like, yeah. He was like, you are still kind of built like a stepmom, but you know, another.

[B]

Yeah, that's what gay guys bring, what lesbians bring. Pants that fit my body type. You know what I mean? Button downs that are meant for generous hips.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

You know, so we're all getting, you know, it's one big beautiful world, dude.

[A]

Shout out every community. I mean, I. I guess just being. Also being raised in New York City, like, it's tough to hate a group. You just realize how silly it is because we've grown up in like this melting pot. It's so dumb to be like, oh, you don't like them? For what reason? It's also too literally. I'm talking about a week ago, which is crazy. My group chat, you know, with the Ongoing war, whatever in the. In the Middle east and Israel and Palestine. All that stuff because of social media, right? Yeah, yeah, I know it's quite a fair fight. I know I got such a divine.

[B]

War is kind of unfair to the Palestine.

[A]

And it's tough for me being a father through all this because I got a 10 year old and a 4 year old. My 10 year old's Pro Israel, the 4 year old's Pro Palestine. So I got to do the other four year old.

[B]

You got a ten year old Zionist.

[A]

A Puerto Rican. My forest is fully in Hamas going to daycare. So. But just like a week ago, dude, one of my boys was like, because, you know, with social media now, X or whatever, you know, you see the real video. He goes, he sends to the group chat something to the effect of, oh, it's crazy. You've seen these videos out of Palestine. Like these people are like, people like us. It's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like they're going to school. They have. There's totally. And anywhere, anywhere you go from the Middle east to any war going on, it's like, yeah, dude. It would be as if there's bomb. Like they're no different. They have the same brain. It would be as if your building is getting bombed or like your family just got killed in a war zone. Zone. So it's like, it's the same thing. We just are so privileged and blessed.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

To be here.

[B]

It'd be like if your family was trying to get food and somebody just shot you in the head.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

It would be just like that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean? It would be like. It would be like you falling into a trap.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That an evil occupying forces setting for you.

[A]

Dude, I gotta be honest, man. And after all the way that we just ended that with that. If you are still listening to the podcast, you're the problem.

[B]

This had to have done done it.

[A]

We've done everything we could to get you out of here.

[B]

This had to have done it. We're doing one more because we are contractually obligated if you thought this was bad. Just wait till next week.

[A]

Oh, just wait till next week.

[B]

Thank you for watching. It's had the Summer Bears episode five and we will see you next week for an all politics, no joke episode.

[A]

Absolutely. Don't forget to get vaccinated, kids. Chris and Stauby.

[B]

Staub and Chris neither grows a beard.

[A]

And they both wear shirts. Staubi's a Greek and Chris is a gay. And some may say the show is better this way. Here's what we call two bears, one cave. Yeah.

[B]

You say you'll never join the Navy, never climb Mount Fuji on a port visit, or break the sound barrier. Joining the Navy sounds crazy. Saying never actually is. Learn [e-mail] America's Navy, forged by the sea.