The Bears Go Up In Smoke | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Summary

Podcast Summary

Podcast: 2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Episode: The Bears Go Up In Smoke
Date: May 4, 2026
Studio: YMH Studios

---

Overview

In this episode, best friends and comedians Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer meet in Austin, Texas, and deliver another classically hilarious and candid conversation. The episode is centered around updates on their lives—health, bad habits, the dichotomy of sobriety and indulgence—and a lot of classic riffing about celebrity, aging, drugs, and community. The energy is playful but introspective, with both hosts discussing their progress, anxieties, and observations about success, friendship, and the comedy business. As the title suggests, the episode is “up in smoke”: cigars are lit, vices examined, and no topic is off-limits.

---

Key Discussion Points & Notable Segments

The 2 Bears 5K & Health Updates

• [00:05-01:56] Bert kicks off the episode with news about the upcoming “2 Bears 5K” event at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena (May 9). It’s described more as a party and community event than a competitive race, complete with recovery centers, food, entertainment, and cold plunges.
  • “Let us be your first 5K. We are a great entry level 5K.” – Tom [00:57]
  • Both reflect on the growth and fun of the event, emphasizing the unique community around it.
• [02:00-04:43] Tom talks about his health improvements, blood pressure journey, and health trackers.
  • “I take my blood pressure every day now, and I take a picture of it and I send it to my cardiologist. 111 over 72 this morning.” – Tom [03:00]
  • Candid discussion surrounding unhealthy habits, transformation, and the humorous account “things fat guys do.”
  • Discussion of biological age and the “Whoop” fitness tracker.
• [05:03-05:43] Tom shares a personal story about Red Band calling him his “canary in the mine” and how working out affects longevity even when mixed with drinking.
  • “But the morbidity of people who drink and work out is almost identical to people who just work out.” – Tom [05:13]
  • “I hang my dick on that.” – Tom [05:36]

---

Vices: Alcohol, Weed, & Sobriety

• [06:21-09:27] The conversation shifts to habits and reasons for drinking and smoking. Tom asks Bert about the triggers for his drinking.
  • “I would say the drink thing is 100% dictated by social setting.” – Bert [06:50]
  • Both discuss the difference in motivations between drinking, smoking weed, and working out. Tom expresses that as he stays healthy, he sees less need for substances.
• Tom laments Tiger Woods’ struggles:
  • “Can I tell you, I’m heartbroken about Tiger Woods? Because I love that guy. ... The idea that he doesn’t have control.” – Tom [09:28]

---

Tiger Woods, Role Models & Out-of-Control Celebrities

• [09:27-12:03] They ruminate on Tiger Woods, idolizing him as a generational hero, and compare his struggles to MJ (Michael Jordan), who famously indulged in beer and cigars.
• Lively riff: Tom likens Tiger to Ruthie from "The Real World" [11:09], drawing a parallel of public meltdown.
• “But no, because I, I, if I meet Tiger, I want to have beers with him, you know?” – Tom [12:03]

---

Absurd Anecdotes & Callers (Comic Interlude)

• [12:09-13:34] Rapid-fire, off-the-wall comic sketches, fake calls, and gross-out humor. Highlights include jabs about chlamydia and Bible verses—peak “Bears” chaotic riffing.
  • “I'm the bad guy in the story.” – Guest/Caller [12:40]

---

Food, Cigars, & Kyle’s Blissful Ignorance

• [14:51-18:36] Tom brings top-tier cigars and recounts learning about espresso and cigars—revealing Kyle’s limited knowledge on almost any subject.
  • “Kyle knows nothing about anything. He doesn’t know anything. That’s good.” – Tom [15:30]
• Discussion on cigar culture, Cigar Aficionado magazine, and MJ’s legendary cigar habits, showing a deep, comedic dive into the world of indulgence and rich guy hobbies.

---

Modern Celebrity, Social Media Scandal, and Power Dynamics

• [29:37-37:42] Tom and Bert dissect the Noah Beck scandal—a teacher having an affair with a student—and shockingly explicit text messages. This is both darkly comedic and a real commentary on youth and boundaries today.
  • “This kid needs to be an influencer. ... This kid should be running the manosphere.” – Tom [38:04]
  • “I cannot imagine in high school being like, bitch, you know, I mean, this dick is what you want. ... to a grown woman.” – Bert [38:18]
• They highlight the cultural double standard and underlying brokenness in such scenarios.
  • “But it’s so much more acceptable.” – Tom on older men dating young women, with both agreeing the power imbalance with a minor is always wrong [44:10]
• Generational ignorance—neither can keep up with TikTok celebrities like Sabrina Carpenter, but they both reminisce about classic television and changing cultural windows [44:30-46:07].

---

Drugs: Kava, Kratom, Ketamine, & Wild Stories

• [49:48-55:13] A deep dive into legal (and semi-legal) substances like Kratom, Kava, and the fad of ketamine treatments.
  • “All I get are sobriety stories in my feed now. ... How many people are crazy addicted to Kratom?” – Tom [49:48]
• Both joke about trying new substances, with Tom recapping a wild, terrifying story of a photographer who, high on a legal ketamine treatment, jumped off a building and survived (ca. [55:43-58:57]).
  • “So I went in for a ketamine treatment and I ended up jumping off a ten-story building.” – Photographer via Tom [56:20]
• Description of ketamine’s effects and the dangers of their use, including personal and viral anecdotes.

---

Doug Stanhope, Brendan Walsh, and Comedy’s Changing Soul

• [59:28-73:24] An extended admiration of Doug Stanhope’s legendary persona, involvement with the Bisbee, AZ, comedy scene, and reflections on old-school comics like Brendan Walsh.
  • “My favorite Doug Stanhope story is when he got in trouble... And he wrote back, ‘I could not agree more. When I got the script for that evening’s show, I was appalled. But to do my job right, I had to read exactly what the club had written for me to say.’” – Tom [62:25]
• Nostalgia for pre-fame comedy: “There is a part of me that got into this business when there wasn’t money involved.” – Tom [66:07]
• Stories of pranks and pure-for-the-sake-of-it comedy, such as fake “Whole Foods Coming Soon” signs, and Walsh’s Zoom meeting hijinks with paid streakers [66:44-70:27].

---

Friendship, Aging, and Meaning

• [73:24-75:43] The final stretch is more sincere—a reflection on the small, meaningful gestures between friends, and what it means to grow older in the public eye.
  • “This is what friendship is... This is when you know you’re a friend of someone.” – Tom [73:56]
• Bert and Tom thank each other for their effort and humility in maintaining both their friendship and the show’s dynamic.

---

Selected Notable Quotes

• On Vices and Working Out:
  • “But when you’re not drinking, it’s like, why not just exhaust yourself? Because all you got to look forward [to] is going to sleep.” – Tom [08:48]
• On Generational Divide:
  • “Like, I have just. Like, I was on the bus with Katherine Blandford who’s like 3:30 something and I was talking about The Honeymooners and she didn’t know who The Honeymooners were.” – Tom [44:30]
• On Comedy:
  • “He’s like the Bukowski of stand-up, you know?” – Bert, about Doug Stanhope [63:35]
• On Friendship:
  • “I love doing this show, and I love that as a friend, I can silently...give you the gift of getting to be with your family and getting work done.” – Bert [74:15]
• On Changing Comedy Culture:
  • “There is a part of me that got into this business when there wasn’t money involved.” – Tom [66:07]
• On Personal Change:
  • “I also don’t need it. That’s the fucked up part, is you forget how much you don’t need it.” – Tom [09:08]

---

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 2 Bears 5K Event: [00:05–01:46]
• Tom’s Health Journey / Blood Pressure: [02:11–04:43]
• On Tiger Woods & Addiction: [09:27–12:03]
• Comic Call-In Segment: [12:09–13:34]
• Tom’s Cigar Knowledge & Kyle anecdotes: [14:51–19:36]
• Noah Beck Scandal & Generational Divide: [29:37–46:07]
• Drug Trends & Ketamine Story: [49:48–58:57]
• Doug Stanhope Tribute: [59:28–67:40]
• Brendan Walsh’s Pranks: [66:34–69:23]
• Reflections on Comedy & Friendship: [73:24–75:43]

---

Conclusion

A classic “2 Bears” installment, rich in self-deprecating humor, absurdity, generational angst, and genuine warmth about friendship and the world of comedians. Tom and Bert’s chemistry shines as they celebrate their health improvements, debate vices, poke fun at ignorance, and pay homage to comedy’s true originals.

---

For longtime fans or new listeners, this episode captures the heart and madness of the 2 Bears dynamic—mortality, mischief, vices, and loyalty—all up in smoke.

Transcript

[Tom Segura]

100%.

[Bert Kreischer]

And we're back. It's another episode of Two Bears, One Cave. We're here in Austin, Texas, with my buddy Bert. And this is our week, man. This is our week. This is. Netflix is a joke week. We are going to be in Los Angeles this week. There's a bunch of shit going on, but Most importantly, the 5K. The 2 Bears 5K. If you have not yet registered, go to 2bears5k.com It's. It'll be May 9th in Pasadena at the Rose Bowl. It is one big party. What I'm saying is we are not elite runners. And a lot of people who show up, show up just to walk, to feel like they're part of a community. Some people jog, some people run, walk, some people fucking sprint. You can participate in any which way you want to, but know that we have recovery centers. We have entertainment, we have food, we have porosos.

[Tom Segura]

We've decked this place out. We will have everything. Cold plunges, saunas.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's year three. We have it dialed in. Dude.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, this is. This is the best 5k out there, without a doubt. And, and, and it. It's a blast. And like I said, let us be your first 5K. We are great. Entry level 5K.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's so fun. It really is so fun. A lot of comedians will be there. A lot of your favorites will show up. There's going to be actors and singers. All types of celebs will be there. But it's really about just the community atmosphere. And it really is so much fun. I never thought that this would be something that would happen in my life, and I've done. I've done ours. Obviously. This will be the third in a row I've done other ones. There's nothing like this thing. There really is nothing like it.

[Tom Segura]

I'm so glad we've had a bunch of stupid ideas, and I'm so glad this one stuck around.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is a great idea.

[Tom Segura]

This is. And this is probably the best idea we've ever had because it's a small amount of work on our part.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Our teams take care of it. They kind of plan everything and. And we just run. I'm gonna be fucking flying this year.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, you are.

[Tom Segura]

I know.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, probably from last year. You're probably down like £40 or something, right?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, I couldn't even tell you. I don't know. I don't. I've never. It's so funny when you. When you start to get healthy. Certain things, like there's this guy that's got this Instagram account. And he's like. And it's. I wish I could give him a shout out, but he's like, things fat guys do. And it's. All he does is things fat guys do. Like, sits down on the couch and then puts a pillow over his stomach. And I go, I do that all the time. Or, like, just tugging his shirt like. Like having.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, the pool away.

[Tom Segura]

And. And. And I. I could tell you things unhealthy guys do. Like, unhealthy guys will never let you take their blood pressure.

[Bert Kreischer]

I've never heard somebody so aggressive towards somebody than when I've been with you. And somebody's like. Like, to get an iv, it's usually a standard thing where they go, just take your blood. And you'll go, don't fucking do that shit. And I'm like, holy shit.

[Tom Segura]

I said something about that on stage the other night. Is like, if you're with a guy who doesn't like his blood pressure getting tight, he's the. Who needs to get his blood pressure.

[Bert Kreischer]

Of course.

[Tom Segura]

And I've seen you get aggressive. I take my blood pressure every day now, and I take a picture of it and I send it to my cardiologist. 111 over 72 this morning.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know anything about blood pressure.

[Tom Segura]

I do.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is that good? It's perfect. What was it. What was it when it was bad? Like, what was the.

[Tom Segura]

When I was in the hospital with a blood clot, it was 170 over 110. Which is. Which is like, that's not good. It's not good. And it was so bad, they turned the thing so I couldn't see it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And. And the guy said to me, I told you this, but the guy said to me, when I was in the CAT scan, he's like, are you having a heart attack? Because it was. The blood pressure was just sky. And now what happens when you get injured? When you're in pain or injured, your blood pressure raises.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So I had a blood clot. And, you know, it's crazy. I mean, I'm obsessed with my whoop.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

The day I got the blood clot, the day I got the blood clot, my biological age on the whoop shot up to 60 years old.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow.

[Tom Segura]

The day. And that thing is so fucking accurate, by the way.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is it wild to you that that's your next benchmark thing?

[Tom Segura]

What's that?

[Bert Kreischer]

Diet? No, 60.

[Tom Segura]

I never thought about it. Leanne said to me, she goes, how much longer are you gonna Be doing this. And I'm like, fucking. I'm gonna buy a bus. Just a spider.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you. But when you sit in that, do you actually think about that? Like. Like, that question. Do you ever go, like, well, how much longer will I do this? Or.

[Tom Segura]

No. No, I don't. Only because, like, everyone's still doing it that's older than me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So I go, well, I guess I'll wait and watch till they stop.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

It's crazy. Can I tell you something that's driven me nuts? And I'm only saying this out loud because I would never, never say this to him privately. I would never say. But I don't mind saying things publicly. Red Band. The other day, when I was in the mothership, the last time I was on the mothership, he goes, what did he say to me? He goes, you don't look like you're gonna die. And I was like, what?

[Bert Kreischer]

Just out of nowhere?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And he was like, you're my canary in the mine. And I was like, I'm your canary in the mine. Like, I sent you that article about outrunning death.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And apparently, if you work out, the more. I'm doing this stat wrong. But the morbidity for people who just drink is like this. Shroom. They just all die. Right. The morbidity for people that work out is like this. They live forever. But the morbidity of people who drink and work out is almost identical to people that just work out.

[Bert Kreischer]

And this is what you embrace the hardest.

[Tom Segura]

I hang my dick on that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I fucking. And now I'm just working out. Just working out.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And I go, I've got to be adding up. I'm losing biological age. Every week. I drop, like, six months. Six months.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Tom Segura]

Down to, like, 56 years old right now.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's great, man.

[Tom Segura]

I know. But. But. But I.

[Bert Kreischer]

What do you think you can do the 5k in.

[Tom Segura]

I definitely break 30. I know that.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's great.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I've been running about. I've been doing legs a lot and not running as much, so. And then when you run after you've done legs, you just have spring in your step. I could probably do the 5K in. In under, maybe under 27 minutes.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's super impressive.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. But I got nothing else, Tom. Well, yeah, like, I got nothing else. Like, there's nothing in my life. That's the thing that I'm. I'm like. And then here's the other thing. So, like, I keep thinking of you. Why do you decide to have a drink Me, like when, at what point is it, what is the thing where you go, oh, I'll have a drink. When does that happen for you? For the regular person? Yeah, when do you say? Or when do you say? Well, I like to smoke weed.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, I, I would say the drink thing is a hundred, hundred percent dictated by social setting.

[Tom Segura]

Really.

[Bert Kreischer]

Almost. I would say 99.9 of the time.

[Tom Segura]

So pain. A social setting. Like you go to dinner.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, so I'm at dinner and it's like ordering a steak and I'll go, I'll have a glass of cab with that. Okay, Right. Or like a social setting where I go to see people and they're at a bar and we're like hanging out and they go, we just ordered drinks. I go, well, have a drink. Like, so the social setting kind of dictates.

[Tom Segura]

Do you ever dictate the drink? Do you ever go, you guys want to get drinks?

[Bert Kreischer]

Maybe like once in a while.

[Tom Segura]

Do you ever smoke weed by yourself? No edibles to go to sleep still?

[Bert Kreischer]

Not very often.

[Tom Segura]

I don't need edibles to sleep at all. Very often. I sleep perfectly.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's fantastic. I do have days where I'm like, oh, I realize if I really gas myself out, like, especially like cardio wise.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

If you throw a sauna in there, I sleep like I'm on morphine. Like, it's crazy how well I sleep when, when I have that level of like real earned fatigue. I sleep like a baby. But most days, yeah, I can't sleep. I mean, I can sleep well, but it's not like, oh my God, beautiful.

[Tom Segura]

Sleep not partying. I work out very intensely. Like, I find myself pushing it in the gym harder than I ever did drinking. Like, I go, I think to myself, oh, so this is why you went. This is why you got into the gym today is this moment right here. Yeah. And I, and I think that's really cool because it doesn't happen when you're drinking. When you're drinking, you just are. Like, just the fact that I'm here is something.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Like I'm doing anything that counts.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

But when you're not drinking, it's like, why not just exhaust yourself? Because all you got to look forward is going to sleep.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

But I can't find a reason to smoke pot. I can't find a reason to drink. Like, I could see myself, I could see myself very easily once you go in six months and then go, I have seven because I don't have no reason to drink.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And then I Think, you know, like a vacation with the girls. I'll have a reason. I'll be like. I'll be like, oh, this is beautiful. But if Leanne's not drinking, what am I gonna drink by myself? I also don't need it. That's the fucked up part, is you, you get. You forget how much you don't need it. Can I tell you, I'm heartbroken about Tiger Woods?

[Bert Kreischer]

What are you heartbroken?

[Tom Segura]

Because I love that guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's awesome.

[Tom Segura]

The idea that he doesn't have control.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And I mean, look, any of us have you see the footage of him in the car?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Any of us. It seems like he's got, like, he's. It seems like he's. It's got all its hooks in him.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I mean, it's sad because he was like a. I think, for our age, too. He's like a hero.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

That.

[Tom Segura]

That made.

[Bert Kreischer]

Made the sport exciting again and also was like this outlier of talent where, like, you know, it was kind of like when growing up, when you watch MJ play ball, you were like, this is Superman. And then.

[Tom Segura]

But he. But mj, here's the thing I loved about mj. He would have six Miller Lights.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, I didn't really learn. I mean, you know, when I'm 12, I don't realize that, right. I, I, I learned about that. But I'm just saying, like, what you see him do, you're like, this guy's fucking unbelievable. And Tiger became that for golf. So he was like Superman. He was like a Superman where you're like, holy shit. This guy's so amazing. And we've all watched his, you know, his career and his life and all the twists and turns, and I do think it's just one of those things where you go, I really just want this guy to get the best help and be good.

[Tom Segura]

I don't.

[Bert Kreischer]

You don't want him to get the help?

[Tom Segura]

I don't want him. No. Here's the thing. I don't want him to quit drinking.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's good.

[Tom Segura]

But I. But I want him to get in control of it.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's not gonna work for him.

[Tom Segura]

I know, but, like, I want. It's like, you know, a joke I keep making, and no one gets a reference. And I hope you get the fucking reference because you're married to a fucking roadrul star.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay?

[Tom Segura]

Tiger woods is slowly turning into Ruthie from the real world. Why? Picture of Ruthie. Pull up a picture of Ruthie. Have you. Do you remember Ruthie?

[Bert Kreischer]

I Remember the name.

[Tom Segura]

They look identical.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, God.

[Tom Segura]

Tiger Woods.

[Bert Kreischer]

Shit, you're right.

[Tom Segura]

She was the one who. Who in the pilot episode of Hawaii. She got behind the wheel of a car and drove drunk. And they were just following her, weaving around Hawaii. And they're like, what are we supposed to do? Tiger woods and Ruthie?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I wonder if Ruthie is the same mix as him. He's Thai and black. I wonder what Ruthie is.

[Tom Segura]

I met Ruthie in real life one time and she was very quiet.

[Bert Kreischer]

Were you like, how about that six iron? I'd love to see you swing it?

[Tom Segura]

Ruthie looks good now.

[Bert Kreischer]

She looks great.

[Tom Segura]

I wonder if she. But like, some people have, like a legit. That's the one thing I've learned.

[Bert Kreischer]

But you don't want him.

[Tom Segura]

But no, because I, I, if I meet Tiger, I want to have beers with him, you know?

[Bert Kreischer]

Here you go.

[Tom Segura]

I'm giving this to you. But I am Ari Shafir, okay?

[Bert Kreischer]

It's a fucking crazy night we're gonna have here.

[Tom Segura]

Shit's about to go down.

[Bert Kreischer]

Look.

[Tom Segura]

And we're here to talk bald. This is a love story. Chlamydia, herpes, gonorrhea, aids.

[Guest/Caller]

I'm desperate. I'll stab you in your motherfucking arm.

[Bert Kreischer]

One of the worst things that could happen.

[Guest/Caller]

What's your favorite Bible verse? I'm like, I don't know any. I'm Catholic. Did you just shit your pants?

[Bert Kreischer]

It's not.

[Tom Segura]

Not my shit.

[Bert Kreischer]

If you're out there, lady, don't call me.

[Guest/Caller]

I'm the bad guy in the story.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know that I'll be a better person tomorrow. At least he's consistent.

[Tom Segura]

Finally, something we can agree on.

[Bert Kreischer]

Discuss it in Heart.

[Tom Segura]

Not the evening I planned, but I'm having a blast. Now if you'll excuse me. Martin Luther King, John F. Kennedy, Malcolm X. And now dog piss has the stage. All hail dog piss. Guess what? Violent, horrendous. A show where I do, I guess what I do best, which is complaining way too much about that's not that important. I think all YouTubers should be jailed. An army of drunken, screaming Santa Clauses. The devil stick guy was the doctor. Shut the Come along for this beautiful, disgusting, violent, horrendous journey. My new YMH show. Subscribe. Smash that like button. We're going to be doing this every other week. This is vile and horrendous.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think we can all agree that online shopping has gotten dangerously easy. Especially when you get to check out and see that purple shop pay button. No more digging for my Wallet or password reset. Bullshit. It's online shopping, but streamlined. You could say. Thanks to Shopify for that. Cha ching. Shopify is the platform behind millions of businesses around the world and 10% of all e commerce in the US from household names and brands like ours here at YMH. Not only is our merch store powered by Shopify, Christina turned to them when launching her cosmetics line. And it's been a dream. Shopify possesses world class expertise in everything from managing inventory and international shipping to processing returns and 24. 7 customer support. Shopify will even help you get your brand out there as if there was an entire marketing team beyond you. With easy to run email and social media campaigns. See less carts go abandoned and more sales go. Cha Ching With Shopify and their shop pay button. Sign up for your $1 per month trial today at shopify.com bears go to shopify.com bears that's shopify.com bearschaching and the same with MJ.

[Tom Segura]

Like, MJ's always had it dialed in.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. But they're not the same though.

[Tom Segura]

Dude, I could smoke a cigar right now so bad. You want a cigar?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Kyle. Kyle, I have two of the best cigars in the world in my backpack.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Two of the best cigars in the world.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

We need a lighter. And can you cut it with your teeth? I can, sure. Okay. Mj, like, so this is my boredom in sobriety, which is not bad. It's not bad.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

But I just go and I watch documentaries. I just watch documentaries at night. And I thought, I want to learn about stuff.

[Bert Kreischer]

Mm.

[Tom Segura]

It's so cool when you know people that know. Like, I don't know anything about coffee. I don't know anything about coffee. And the other day I was like, why wouldn't I want to learn about coffee?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And so I. And Kyle knows nothing about anything. He doesn't know anything. That's good.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's great.

[Tom Segura]

Like, he knows so little about everything.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

That it's. It'll. It's mind blowing. As a matter of fact, sometimes I'll be with people. Yeah. And I'll say something. And then Leanne will go, how much you want about Kyle to know what that is? Like, name something. And I guarantee when Kyle comes in, he's like, I've never heard of that. He had never heard of Jekyll and Hyde.

[Bert Kreischer]

He never heard the expression never.

[Tom Segura]

He didn't know what it was.

[Bert Kreischer]

And it's basically like that for everything.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And so. And so I said to him, because he was making me Iced coffees on the road. And about maybe 150 times, I said, hey, you don't just make a cup of coffee and pour it on ice. It's done differently. Tell him to bring my backpack. If he's confused. Tell him to bring my backpack. He is confused right now. He's going through my backpack. He's panicking, and he's like, I don't know. We don't have the box of cigars. They're in a.

[Bert Kreischer]

Definitely bring the backpack.

[Tom Segura]

Bring the backpack. Tell Kyle to bring my backpack in and get a lighter.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, So what other things you think he's not aware of? When you're like, everything. Everything. I mean, geography.

[Tom Segura]

He last today, he said Kyle.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, Kyle. What name the continents?

[Tom Segura]

He's actually. He's actually very. He's actually very civic, social, smart.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, there you go.

[Tom Segura]

He watches the news. He could tell you what's going on in Israel, Palestine. Because he's ex military, and so you're ex military?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes. What. What branch were you in?

[Tom Segura]

Army. Okay, don't get too deep into it. You start. You start.

[Bert Kreischer]

Were you stationed abroad?

[Tom Segura]

No, nothing. No combat climates.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. Do you know the continents? North America, South America, Asia. Wait, are you guys talking about Israel and Palestine? Oh, my God. Did I hear anything about Israel and Palestine? Oh, my God. Keep it above board.

[Tom Segura]

Sorry.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. And so, I mean, just for the record, you know, he named four continents.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. No, he. He just. Like, we were talking about coffee, and I said, he didn't know what an espresso was. He thought an espresso was an Americano. I said, no, Americano is a shot of espresso. It's an American coffee. Espresso is probably the norm for coffee. And so we had to. And then I was like, well, I don't know what the fuck a macchiato is. Macchiato is. Do you know what macchiato is?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, you have the espresso, and it's like, mostly like a.

[Tom Segura]

It's on top.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it's on top. It's usually like, you could do it with foam or you can add a little bit of milk. Yeah. Okay. I mean, so far, I would say you're not painting him to be, like, somebody who doesn't know anything.

[Tom Segura]

He didn't know how to use the word. Etc.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, how did he use it?

[Tom Segura]

I woke up. Etc. Okay, you know. Etc. What are you gonna. What do you guys want? Sir, what would you like for dinner? Just. Etc.

[Bert Kreischer]

Stop.

[Tom Segura]

No, it wasn't that bad.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay?

[Tom Segura]

He. I'm so excited for these cigars. So like mj. So like, I didn't know anything about cigars, dude. Cigars. Cigars shut down, Tom. They were. They lost their popularity. In 1992, cigar aficionado came out and it revitalized the cigar industry.

[Bert Kreischer]

The magazine did.

[Tom Segura]

The magazine revitalized the cigar industry.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is that real?

[Tom Segura]

You guys got like, you got guys like MJ and Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis all smoking cigars. And then all of a sudden the scar industry is huge. And you realize guys like Rocky Patel, they just started getting into cigars recently, like within the last 20 years. They're not like families like Arturo Fuente is.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

But like, this is Don Pepin, I think makes all of my fathers and tatoaje. And I think the guy from Tatoirehe, I think he married it. I mean, I don't know, I'm still researching, but he's a fucking interesting dude. That's a brand new type of cigar.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's great.

[Tom Segura]

These are, these are really expensive.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know my, you know my neighbor

[Tom Segura]

Mike, I love, I wish he was in cigar.

[Bert Kreischer]

They did a profile on him on a cigar fish now.

[Tom Segura]

I would love to hang out with your neighbor now. He's fantastic because he had a cigar. He had a cigar room.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Like when you go into a cigar shop. For people listening. When you go into a cigar shop and then you open the walk in

[Bert Kreischer]

humidor, he's got that.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, he's an interesting guy. He doesn't drink.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, but he loves his cigars, dude. And they did a profile on him, like a whole spread on him, Mike. Good guy.

[Tom Segura]

Really good guy. Michael Jordan's on doing an interview with Cigar Aficionado and they bring him like Cuban cigars from Cuba before the embargo, like they've been aged. I think he's smoking two at a time, drinking whiskey just like this.

[Bert Kreischer]

He loves fucking cigars, dude.

[Tom Segura]

But I love that. That's why I don't want Tiger to stop drinking. Because I do want him to be able to get after it, you know?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

What are you gonna do? You're gonna be sober at what, 50?

[Bert Kreischer]

Bert? He's gotta be. It's a. It's only downhill if he doesn't stop. Yeah, for him. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Just gotta get rid of pills, dude. Pills are bad because no one knows you do them.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tiger, if you're listening, don't listen to him, Tiger.

[Tom Segura]

I'm here for you. I got your back, buddy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, we're all here for.

[Tom Segura]

And if you need, if you need a place to dip out. And. And you don't want to hear any rules. And no one's want. You don't want to hear what anyone says to you. I'm your guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's basically, like, textbook. I'm an enabler if you want one.

[Tom Segura]

I think Leanne might be an enabler.

[Bert Kreischer]

No shit.

[Tom Segura]

She's never told me to quit drinking. And there's a couple times where I'm like, you should have told me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Tom Segura]

I'm like. But she's always like, it's just about your health. And then I go. I got like, you don't realize how fat you are until you see fat pictures. Did you see the picture I posted today of my first pitch for the Reds game? Reason why I did the first pitch. Yes, like two days ago for the Reds, and I did not look as fat as I did the other day.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, I remember the viral one.

[Tom Segura]

I just posted her on Instagram, pulled up.

[Bert Kreischer]

You did the viral one where your stomach looked like its own. Had its own orbit and everything going on. Turtle, that was crazy. Yeah, that one was pretty nuts. Unblock. They blocked you.

[Tom Segura]

You guys blocked me. Did not know about this. Why would you guys block me? I have no idea.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. Oh. Oh, bro. Holy shit.

[Tom Segura]

Before and before.

[Bert Kreischer]

Thanks. But look at. Look at August 23rd, dude. Look how that's crazy. And how. How'd the pitch go?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, it was great.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I bought, like, three baseball gloves, and then we had a catch for, like, an hour the day before.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So that I was dialed in. It's kind of crazy when you think you're, like, when you watch. I was watching the Masters the other. The other week, and I was like, it's crazy that you can hit a golf ball from one place to another place in four shots and get it into a hole.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Like, that's insane.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's insane.

[Tom Segura]

And it's insane. When you watch Aaron Judge this, by the way. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I did this for a minor league game. I never played baseball. Like, I never played baseball. I've never. I can tell you, I've almost never had that level of anxiety.

[Tom Segura]

It's terrifying, right? It's almost not worth it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Terr. And I was at a. It was a packed game, but it's minor league, so it's not, like, broadcast on. Yeah, man. The anxiety was. I was scared. So scared, dude. I was like, I can't. And thank God it went well, but I was.

[Tom Segura]

Wait, how did you. How did it go? My pit. My pitch went pretty good on this one, but it went great.

[Bert Kreischer]

Also, you know what threw me off was like, I bought a ball too. And I was practicing, and then when I got to the. To the mound, you know, they told you tell you where to stand right in front. And then the guy announces me and the guy catching who's like just being. He's like. He's like, you know, tell me when he hears my name, he goes, no way. And I go, yeah. He goes, for real? And I'm like, I'm supposed to pitch right now. Like, stop talking to me, you know? So he threw me off and I was like. He goes, that's really you? I go, yeah. He's like yelling it. And I go, yeah, just let me do this. He's like, bro, I'm a huge fan. I go, thanks. Let me fucking throw the. And now I'm like taking myself out of. Freaked me out, dude.

[Tom Segura]

I was like, I did not know who I was, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

He was like.

[Tom Segura]

He goes, I'm sorry, man. I don't know who you are. I'm 29. And I went, that doesn't mean anything to me. Like, yeah, dude, 20. What age do you think you age out of Coachella?

[Bert Kreischer]

Of Coachella.

[Tom Segura]

Because I'm watching Coachella. Shit.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, I. It's gone.

[Tom Segura]

Like, what age do you think you go, that's not for me anymore.

[Bert Kreischer]

I've. I've been in that era. Whatever it is, I'm in it. It's definitely not for me, really. I mean, I wouldn't want to.

[Tom Segura]

It's not interest in any of the people. I don't know who. Karen or Maria, whatever her name is.

[Bert Kreischer]

Clearly,

[Tom Segura]

life comes at you fast. It does literally a phone call and everything changes overnight. It can be nerve wracking and uneasy and catch you off guard. Listen to me. Ethos makes getting life insurance fast and easy. 100 online. You can get a quote in seconds, apply in minutes, and get same day coverage. There's no medical exam required. You just answer a few simple health questions. You can get up to $3 million in coverage. So some policies are as low as $30 a month and you'll get your lowest rate from their network of trusted carriers. Ethos has a 4.8 out of 5 stars on Trustpilot with over 4000 reviews. Take 10 minutes to get covered today with life insurance from Ethos. Get your free [e-mail] bears that's e t h o s.com application times may vary. Rates may vary. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. May is mental health awareness month and here's a reminder that whatever you're going through, you don't have to go through it alone. Life is a journey. Some days feel good and others can feel quite overwhelming. Whatever you're going through at night, whatever's keeping you up in the middle of the night and waking you up, it's easy to feel like you have to figure it out all on your own. But the truth is, no one has all of the answers. No one's journey should be alone. Having someone with you to listen to, understand and support you literally can make all the difference. I was up last night in the middle of the night with a bad dream and that it got me thinking. And then I put on my phone and I started scrolling on my phone and I went, what am I doing? And I realized my therapist told me that there's a way to control your own thoughts at night and go to sleep and not think about it. To change your thoughts, you're in control of your own destiny. Some people with anxiety feel like we're not in control of our own destiny. My therapist helped me realize that BetterHelp therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the US BetterHelp does the initial matching work so you can focus on your therapy goals. A short questionnaire is going to help you identify your needs and preferences and their 12 plus years of experience in industry leading match fulfillment rate means typically they get it right on the first time. If you aren't happy with your match though, you can switch therapists at any time to their tailored wrecks. With over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 6 million people globally. And it works with an average rating of 4.9 out of 5 for a live session based on over 1.7 million client reviews. That is a lot. Those numbers speak for themselves. And trust me, you don't have to be on this journey alone. Find support and have someone with you in therapy sign up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com bears that's better h lp.com bears Guys, if your lady fella

[Bert Kreischer]

or whoever sends you an eggplant emoji after dark, they are ready for better sex. And you should be too. That's where bluechew comes in. They've been on a mission for years to get you bricked up, build your confidence, and help you actually perform better in the bedroom. With their new arousal formula, bluechew Gold is helping millions of men have better sex in 2026. While most ED meds only focus on blood flow. Bluechew Gold goes further by combining two ingredients for mental arousal and connection. So you're not just physically ready, you're actually in the mood. The. This type of innovation is why bluechew Gold is the number one brand in erectile dysfunction. I take one every morning and I just see where the day goes. Don't let your mind get in the way of a good time. Discover your [e-mail] and we've got a special deal for our listeners right now. When you buy two months of BlueChew Gold, you get the third for free with the promo code BEARS. That's promo code B E, A, R, S. Visit BlueChew.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank BlueChew for sponsoring the podcast. I. I appreciate, like, the talent and like, when I see, like, how like grand these performance, like, I think it's all cool, but, like, I wouldn't want to fucking go to that. That would be a nightmare to me.

[Tom Segura]

The whole. It just seems like. It seems like one big club where everyone's in line. Everyone's in line for the whole thing.

[Bert Kreischer]

Couldn't do it.

[Tom Segura]

I find it fucking. I find so much shit. Okay, so you know Feidelberg, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

He's on the bus and he starts reading texts, and I have no frame of context, and he's like, wait, have you. Do you know who these are from? I was like, what?

[Bert Kreischer]

This is the.

[Tom Segura]

This is that influencer's sister.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, but set this up first.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, so. So there's an influencer named Noah Beck. Noah Beck.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, who is. I don't know who that is.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know. Can you tell us who Noah Beck is? I'm sure he does makeup stuff.

[Bert Kreischer]

Makeup.

[Tom Segura]

Big tiktoker. And he's also been in a bunch

[Bert Kreischer]

of these, like, kind of shows, like, sidelined.

[Tom Segura]

I think he was in Baywatch reboot.

[Bert Kreischer]

But just big young influencer. Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Is that him with his shirt off?

[Bert Kreischer]

He's a huge fan of yours.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right there. He's like. They call me the machine.

[Tom Segura]

So his sister is a. Is a teacher.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

I think she's like 29 or something.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

And she's dating a cop and she starts an affair with this kid, a kid at the school who I think

[Bert Kreischer]

also where she's teaching.

[Tom Segura]

Where she's teaching.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

And I think these are from. These are released. And he was reading these out loud. This is a child texting with the teacher.

[Bert Kreischer]

Let's read. You have to you gotta play the girl or the kid. Play the girl. I'll be the kid. You're Haley.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, but then. But then said, ooh, freak. If my shit was weak, then what's the point?

[Bert Kreischer]

Even cry me a river. This is crazy that a high school kid is saying cry me a river to an adult woman. Right?

[Tom Segura]

When are you gonna come home to visit then? Nah, no need for me to. I'll just cry or suck your dick, and you can shut the fuck up about it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, then, the next series of messages. Haley and this kid discuss Angela Berlaca, okay.

[Tom Segura]

In a group with Barlaka for our meeting. Feels so wrong.

[Bert Kreischer]

Then I laugh. It feels so wrong.

[Tom Segura]

What was the pic you sent of me over snap? Like, what did they say?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know.

[Tom Segura]

Hmm. I thought it saved it, but I guess I didn't, so never mind. Wait, you got to get to the one. Get to the.

[Bert Kreischer]

We're building. We're building. Okay, those pics are funny.

[Tom Segura]

Funny why? Oh, let me guess. I was a beluga in the first few, bro.

[Bert Kreischer]

My sophomore year, you were 1 billion percent overweight. And now.

[Tom Segura]

Now.

[Bert Kreischer]

And now you look fire, like. Oh, let me guess. I was a beluga. Oh, I like that. Okay, man. Ain't that right?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, but you still fuck me. You still fuck with me then, like, as a person?

[Bert Kreischer]

Negative. You was a cool teacher.

[Tom Segura]

Is my only year good, then? Is my 1:1 this year good, then?

[Bert Kreischer]

And my current teacher?

[Tom Segura]

Or better, at least. You're telling me you wouldn't have tried me back then solely because of the teacher aspect?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, not at all. Because it would have been like, she's not even a flex. She's rough. Right?

[Tom Segura]

Right. But I was cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then. I like that.

[Tom Segura]

All right, be nice.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then you asked. Same way I think about Ms. B. Jesus Christ. If she was a little more fit, I would have died in the

[Tom Segura]

bro. She's also 50, though.

[Bert Kreischer]

But she's too damn big for me. Age is just a number, baby. She's starving for the young dick. Jesus Christ.

[Tom Segura]

I know. He's texting his teacher. I mean, yeah, I guess, but even our situation is still not right. At least we're closer in age. I don't like being compared to Ms. B. Nah.

[Bert Kreischer]

100% tad more normalized. Like, if I'm 25 and you're 33, who cares? But if I'm 25 and she's 55. Holy Gilf. Luckily, I haven't cracked her, so.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I haven't cracked her. Yeah, right. This sounds way more normal. Like older woman go, you sick. Sick. I can't even think of look at with what is. Make it bigger. I can't even look at her without thinking of her literal vagina.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, right, right.

[Tom Segura]

What's 1, 2, 1 2, 1 2, 1, 2?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know. And then Haley says, I'm glad you still referred to me as your sugar mama. I thought my services were being retired. And then the kid says, yep, lifelong side piece.

[Tom Segura]

He sucks. Lifelong 12. I'm gonna get sick side piece. Eventually. I'm gonna get sick of side piece. Eventually. I need to upgrade a title. Eight hours of meetings today. I'm actually gonna kill myself.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, that's not my decision.

[Tom Segura]

What?

[Bert Kreischer]

You're the old lady here. If you seek a relationship your age, I can't be anything other than your side piece. You're playing with fire, not me. God damn. How is this kid this adjusted?

[Tom Segura]

These kids can't be white, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't fucking know.

[Tom Segura]

This too much game for a white kid. I knew too many white kids. They don't talk like this.

[Bert Kreischer]

This next exchange is insane. When she says, you think. You think I'll still fuck with you.

[Tom Segura]

Fuck with you even when I'm in a relationship.

[Bert Kreischer]

100% dick to fire.

[Tom Segura]

I was going to ask if you still with me if I was. Were in one. But literally you did. But you literally did.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I mean, I haven't been locked in a relationship, but technically I am, so I guess you can say that I don't really care, to be honest. I cheat.

[Tom Segura]

You are.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, again, when I come home, I'm gonna see her for sure. She like a sloth on the tree. She's not letting go.

[Tom Segura]

Your roomie went in on the action too.

[Guest/Caller]

What?

[Tom Segura]

I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow. You really are just a bucket. Like you would dead do this shit.

[Tom Segura]

I feel like you're insane. A bucket, bro. He could literally. He could very well be a miner. And I would never do this for a stranger.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then it's just 1, 2, 1, 2, 1, 2. What is that? What is that? I think that might be like the code for, like the emojis or something. Oh, I got you. I got you. Okay, cool. Sounds good to me. Then she sends a screenshot, a screenshot of lyrics with the caption, forget teenage dream, this is my new song to you. The screenshot lyrics are the following. You can hit in the morning. In the morning? Yeah, like it's yours. I know it ain't right, but I don't care. Break up with your Girlfriend. Yeah, yeah. Cause I'm bored. Break up with your girlfriend by Ariana Grande. And then the kid writes Jesus Christ.

[Tom Segura]

Hehehe. Oh relax, live a little.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then in this next thread, she thanks the guy. The kid thanks Hayley for everything she has done. Haley responded by questioning why he was thanking her, so it felt like a goodbye. She then mentions beat them cheeks up and their last hurrah. Thank you for all the things you do and have done. Click the accept though I'm at the counter 12.

[Tom Segura]

Why are you thanking me and making me feel it seems like we're done with me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Nah, I'm just. No. Not fitting to be as available because I'm gone.

[Tom Segura]

Send Apple cash. Yeah, no, I know this is. But I'm still available over text. You can call, you know, I'll see you this weekend or when you're available for our temporary last hurrah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. And then he likes that comment and he goes, yeah, but not regularly.

[Tom Segura]

Maybe when I come home. What's that?

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm coming to beat.

[Tom Segura]

I'm gonna. When I. When I come home, I'm gonna beat them cheeks up. Quote unquote. That's what I. That's where I got the impression. Lol.

[Bert Kreischer]

Haha. Maybe that's funny.

[Tom Segura]

Nah, you know, I have some stuff to do and maybe people to see. Don't forget about your sugar mama.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then it looks like this next thing is that during this time the kid was actively avoiding police. The following is what her.

[Tom Segura]

Her boyfriend's. I think they were coming to his house.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, here, let me get this ashtray real quick. Oh yeah, just

[Tom Segura]

this kid is 17, 18 years old and he's talking. This guy's got kids, got wild game. Do we have a picture of him? He's got to be a minor.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, that's why his name's redacted.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Oh, so he's a minor. He's 17.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, he's a minor.

[Tom Segura]

Holy shit. I couldn't talk to girls my age like this. Yeah, I still can't talk to my wife like this. This kid needs to be an influencer. You hear about the manosphere. This kid should be running the manosphere.

[Bert Kreischer]

I get. I cannot imagine in high school being like, bitch, you know, I mean, this dick is what you want. Like, I cannot imagine that this like a kid that can talk like this to a grown woman.

[Tom Segura]

He text one John was reading where he's like, yo, pick me up from the airport and devour my shit. And she was like, isn't your dad gonna be there? And he's like, we can do it in the car. She was like, I'd rather do it inside. And he goes, or in the car,

[Bert Kreischer]

like telling her, this is what I got time for.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, that's crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's really crazy.

[Tom Segura]

But I think the kid might need some help on how he might need therapy.

[Bert Kreischer]

You think?

[Tom Segura]

Like, he's not. No, not just for fucking an older woman, but like the way he talks to people.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, also, you're not like born like that. This kid has learned.

[Tom Segura]

This kid's a lot of chicks. Yeah, a lot of chicks. Yeah. Wait, can you. He's Talking to a 17 year old girl like this too.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's talking to.

[Tom Segura]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's talking to a girl like that and he's Talking to a 29 year old like this. Yeah. What the. Yeah, he's.

[Tom Segura]

I couldn't talk to a 79 year old woman like that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, that would be a fun thing

[Tom Segura]

if I was like, yo, pick me up. And I'm beat up that to an old lady. I mean, well, you gotta figure, how is she? She's gotta be attractive. They're always hot.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, he called her a fucking pig. Sophomore year.

[Tom Segura]

I don't invest money because I don't know what I'm doing, to be honest with you. I get overwhelmed and then I just shut down. It's the story of my life. It happens with cars, it happens with everything, but it definitely happens with investing. So many people are focused on their money today. Acorns is the financial wellness app that cares about where your money is going tomorrow. And with Acorns potential screen, you can find out what your money is capable of. There's not much you can do about the money you've got now, but if you want to do something about the money you could have tomorrow, Acorns wants to help. With the Acorns potential screen, you can find out where what your money is capable of. Acorns is a smart way to give your money a chance to grow. And you want your money to grow. Acorns is easy. You can sign up in minutes and start automatically investing your spare money. Even if all you've got is spare change, Acorns grows with you. Whether you're just starting out or thinking about settling down. Acorns supports your big and small goals across every life stage. And trust me, from a guy who's 53, I've had a lot of life stages. The Acorns potential screen shows you the power of compounding and how your money could grow over time. Plus, you can quickly adjust how much you're investing every day, week or month to make sure you're building towards your goals. Acorns is all in one no more finance apps cluttering your phone with Acorns. You can invest, save and give your money a chance to grow in one trusted place. Sign up now and Acorns will boost your new account with a $5 bonus. Investment Join the over 14 million all time customers who have already SA saved and invested over $27 billion with Acorns. Head over to acorns.com bears or download the Acorns app to get started. Paid non client endorsement compensation provides incentive to positively promote acorns. Tier 2 compensation provided potential subject to various factors such as customers accounts, age and investment settings does not include Acorns fees. Results do not predict or represent the performance of of any Acorns portfolio. Investment results will vary. Investing involves risk Acorns Advisors llc, Acorns Advisors LLC and SEC Registered Investment Advisor View Important [e-mail] bears the older you

[Bert Kreischer]

get, the more daunting the idea of learning a new language can feel. Whether it's about a lack of time or mental energy, Babel's built to cater to your specific learning style and schedule. They have so many options. Within the Babel app you can do conversations that would mimic what would really happen. You could have to spell words you have to read. It is really one of the best language learning tools I've ever used. Their courses are curated by over 200 language learning experts to teach you relevant words and phrases you'll actually use by practicing real life conversations. It's more than just lessons. Babbel offers a large collection of podcasts that offer an inside look at local cultures. No matter if you learn best by listening, speaking, reading or writing, Babel adapts to keep you motivated and on track with personalized plans and feedback. Make real lasting progress in no time with Babel, the science backed language learning app that actually works. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners right now. Get up to 60% off your Babel subscription at babel.com bears get up to 60% off at babel.com bears spelled B A B-B-E-L.com bears Rules and restrictions may apply. I mean you can look at her. Yeah, that's the woman.

[Tom Segura]

She's not bad.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, this is the woman that he was like. Nah, you was nasty back there. Yeah, and then she was seeking his approval. It's twisted man. That's really.

[Tom Segura]

There's so much that goes into that. Yeah, it's crazy that if that had been a guy and a girl immediately like what a fucking piece of shit he is. But as a girl you're like, I kind of feel bad for her.

[Bert Kreischer]

You do A little bit.

[Tom Segura]

Like clearly there's something off.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, there's something off, but she's an adult fucking with a minor.

[Tom Segura]

But what. I know, but what is that there's something broken in a woman who chases a young boy. There's something broken in them for sure. Clearly there's something broken in an older dude chasing a young woman. But it's so much more acceptable.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, but not with minors. But like there's a, there's a line.

[Tom Segura]

But no, but like you.

[Bert Kreischer]

I am a 55 year old guy and a 22 year old girl. Yeah. You're like, this guy is. He's fucking lost.

[Tom Segura]

I could, but like I could never struggle with conversations.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, of course.

[Tom Segura]

Like I have just like I was on the bus with Katherine blandford who's like 3:30 something and I was talking about the Honeymooners and she didn't know who the honeymooners were. And I was like, how do you not know the Honeymooners? She was like, what is it?

[Bert Kreischer]

I was like, like the original sitcom.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Nothing. And so like that, that, that generationally, they just don't know. Like we only had a few options on tv. They all have TikTok and so they're. Everything's in their hand. They don't give a. About anything in the past.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, but that also, that applies like what you're talking about. That also applies if you talk to someone six years older than you, they'll reference TV shows that you're like, I don't know what that is.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, but, but we, we kind of, we kind of knew what they were talking about. Like, I mean, I knew Abbott and Costello.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, but I'm saying like people have a specific window of like what, what is their entertainment? And it's usually it correlates directly like what age you are for this year. And if it's like, you know, I hear people reference shows that I'm like, I get that. That's a show. I have no, I've never seen it. You know, it wasn't on when I was a kid.

[Tom Segura]

The lady who played Coachella this year, what's her name? Sabrina Carpenter.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Never heard one thing she's done in my entire life. Yeah, I mean I, I couldn't. If she bumped into me, I wouldn't know who she was.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, that makes sense. That makes sense.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, I don't know. Like, I. I know Justin Bieber. He's a thing.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's been around for, like, you know, decades. We kind of grew up with him, too.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I mean, he's. I know Ed. Ed Sheeran.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

But, like, I couldn't tell you.

[Bert Kreischer]

I saw him in concert.

[Tom Segura]

You saw Ed Sheeran in concert?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I kind of like Ed Sheeran. I like him a lot.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was on the road and they were like, he's got a concert tonight. You want to go? I go, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

For real?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And it was like, he was. I mean, impressive.

[Tom Segura]

He's the guy that started the. The, like, play a couple chords and then hit it. Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, I mean, I don't know if he started it, but he. He. My God. Yeah. He puts together songs in front of you, like, with the looper and like. Yeah. It's incredible.

[Tom Segura]

Dude. I've been running to drum and bass lately.

[Bert Kreischer]

You've been running to drum and bass?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

What do you mean?

[Tom Segura]

Just going for a jog and then putting in. Boom, boom.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's all you're listening to?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And it just. You just get onto a great. Like, I think it's like 140 beats per minute.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you ever forget you can make a new playlist? Like, sometimes I'll go to, like, run or to the gym and I'll be like, putting on. I'm like, man, I'm fucking sick of this. Yeah. I only have these playlists.

[Tom Segura]

Have you ever listen.

[Bert Kreischer]

Build a new one.

[Tom Segura]

Have you ever listened to Girl Talk?

[Bert Kreischer]

What, the podcast?

[Tom Segura]

No. Girl Talk.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know.

[Tom Segura]

No. Girl Talk is like a DJ out of Pittsburgh.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh.

[Tom Segura]

And he is. He does. Tom, you would love Girl Talk.

[Bert Kreischer]

It is a podcast, by the way.

[Tom Segura]

No, it isn't. What do you mean?

[Bert Kreischer]

It just. That was the second result. First result.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah, I guess it is. There's too many podcasts. No, there's too many pot. And by the way, there's too many good ones. So, like, at least suck. Like, I saw two Scottish people the other day, and I was like, there's no way this is gonna be good.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was.

[Tom Segura]

It was fucking incredible. Yeah, they were doing all right. Top 10 crisps. I didn't even know anything.

[Bert Kreischer]

You listen to him as you run, dude.

[Tom Segura]

Girl Talk all day is. I'm in the fuck all day and feed the animals, Tom. It's hip hop to rock beats. It's so fucking good. I think I might start going to EDM concerts with, like, A pacifier in my mouth.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you gonna roll? Will you do. Will you do Molly?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I'm so healthy right now. I could do anything.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, try something else. I could do coke, do pcp.

[Tom Segura]

I heard a bad story about that.

[Bert Kreischer]

I've never heard one.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I have.

[Tom Segura]

Did you see Andy Dick? Andy Dick was talking. He's like, they gave me a glass pipe. I thought it was marijuana. Turns out it was fentanyl.

[Bert Kreischer]

Nobody. Jesus.

[Tom Segura]

I know.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I was like, somebody, nobody has better what do drugs do to people stories than Dr. Drew. And I've asked him, like, every time I see him, I'll just ask him drug questions. I'll never forget that he said. He said one. Obviously there's lots of differences to drugs, but he goes, one of the observations you make about people on coke versus people on pcp, he goes, people on coke run from men in uniform, like, from the police, right? Co coke. People go see cops and they go, I'm going this way. And he goes, people on PCP go towards them. Like, they're like, what's the up? I'll take all you guys. He's like, he's like, people on coke, they'll see a cop walking down the hallway of like, a hotel and they'll jump out the window. And people on PC will be like, I'm going to take your gun. They said, like, over and over again.

[Tom Segura]

How do we not give that to our fucking soldiers in war?

[Bert Kreischer]

Pcp.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I don't know, man.

[Tom Segura]

It's just low grade. Pcp.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Like, what's craziest to me is like.

[Bert Kreischer]

And by the way, tiger, right?

[Tom Segura]

What?

[Bert Kreischer]

Tiger?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, on pcp. Can you imagine how great he'd golf?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God. That's gotta be the secret to it all.

[Tom Segura]

But what's crazy to me is like, you know, I get. All I get are sobriety stories in my feed now. Cause that's all anyone does. How many people are crazy addicted to Kratom? A lot. You've done Kratom? Yeah. So we used to promote Kratom on the podcast.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, here's the thing. I met somebody who told me about their significant other needing it, like, needs it daily. And then I did kind of clock how you feel. I was like, oh, there's like a. A thing where I don't know if it. If it attaches itself to your opioid receptors, but there is kind of like some euphoric adjacent feeling. I'm not an expert. I'm just telling you about the feeling. What I Think it was strange.

[Tom Segura]

What I think is interesting is sober people. I don't want to get into the weeds on who these people are, but like orthodox Jewish people who don't really drink or do drugs, they go to these kratom kava kava bars and get kratom or kava drinks and they're like, no, they're awesome. And they're like, you're sober, you should try one of these. I'm sober, I don't drink. But these Kratom drinks are amazing.

[Bert Kreischer]

Does it attach to your opioid receptors? Kratom. Will you look that up? Because there is like a feeling that's kind of. It's semi muted, but you can't ignore it. I think when you. Yes, Kratom does interact with opioid receptors. The main active compounds in Kratom bind to opioid receptors in the brain. They are the same receptors targeted by drugs like morphine and oxy. At a higher dose, it acts more like an opioid. At lower doses, it has a stimulant, like effect. See, I've had low doses.

[Tom Segura]

But you see, we used to have a sponsor that would tell us to take Kratom before you worked out.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And I remember you were taking it before you worked out. You're like, no, it's great. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was like, man, I'm ready to fucking. Let's get after it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, dude. I mean, do you think it's going

[Tom Segura]

to be like that with everything? Like, like. Because everyone does ketamine now. Yeah, everyone's got a ketamine pen.

[Bert Kreischer]

I haven't done that.

[Tom Segura]

You haven't done ketamine? How have you not done ketamine? I haven't. Seems like it's right up your alley.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really? How so?

[Tom Segura]

It's a disassociate. You love being disassociated.

[Bert Kreischer]

What the that supposed to be like,

[Tom Segura]

you just like to not connect. Don't you feel like that's who you are? Like, And I never understood that where you go? I could go home. And then I stopped drinking and I went, no, it makes sense.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Why am I gonna go here? I don't want to. When am I gonna talk to people? Yeah, I'll just go home.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, I only did this because you're right.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So wait. It helps you disconnect.

[Tom Segura]

It's a disassociate. So, like, whatever the fuck you think is happening that may be giving you drama, it just makes it go away.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, interesting.

[Tom Segura]

What does ketamine do? It's an out of body sensation. Dreamlike out of body sensation distorts your perception of time and space. Euphoria, calmness, visual and auditory distortions.

[Bert Kreischer]

Higher doses and you may enter a K hole. Intense dissociation, feeling detached for reality.

[Tom Segura]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm only laughing because I remember this post on Instagram of somebody who, I guess they're on vacation and they return to their room, you could probably do a search and find this. And they find a hotel worker on their bed.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, I saw that. I saw that.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they're like, this poor guy found my bag. He must have thought it was coke or something. And he's in a cake and he's on the bed and he's like, he's. And then they show him getting like helped up and his face is like twisted and they're like, he found my back. This is the guy.

[Tom Segura]

That's it. Yeah. He found a bag, he thought it was cocaine and he took a hit.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And that's how they found him in their room.

[Tom Segura]

Oh my God.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's wearing. Come back from breakfast to find the cleaner, found bag of K. Thought it was snow. Found him in a K hole in the room. That is nuts, bro.

[Tom Segura]

That's a big thing with. You ever see that?

[Bert Kreischer]

Look at his twisted ass face here. Dude. Like this is how he's supposed to go back to work right now. That's the guy at work who obviously came to help him get ready.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, God.

[Bert Kreischer]

Holy shit. He doesn't know what's going on. That's in tulum. That was hilarious.

[Tom Segura]

You ever see the video of the British kids out in the park? Oh, it's almost like serial killer creepy. They're like silly pikey. He wanted a head of coke, so we gave him a hit of coke. Little did he know it's ketamine. And you just see this like Irish traveler on the ground going. And they're like, ah, guess what you get, buddy. It's almost creepy that you would do that to someone. See if you can see Irish traveler K hole. I guarantee you you gotta be able to find it. But it's like that's.

[Bert Kreischer]

What are the risks and dangers. Let's look at those.

[Tom Segura]

You pass out in the hot tub. Well, yeah, that's the K. The ketamine queen just got taken out.

[Bert Kreischer]

Traffic water. Yeah. Can slow breathing if you mix it with something. While not identical to opioids, it can be addictive. Anything else below that? Bladder, kidney damage, painful urination.

[Tom Segura]

This how Matthew Perry died.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Panic, paranoia, unknown purity. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Let Me tell you something. If I found out ketamine was healthy, like, it wasn't.

[Bert Kreischer]

You did it. You've done it.

[Tom Segura]

No, I've never done it, but if it could help me flying, I'd do it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Tom Segura]

Dude, I just want to fucking be cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

Why don't you go get a kd? A kd? A ketamine treatment, like where it's like under someone's guidance and about that.

[Tom Segura]

Hold on.

[Bert Kreischer]

What?

[Tom Segura]

What a great lead into a story.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, okay.

[Tom Segura]

So I'm doing a photo shoot for Flamingo magazine.

[Bert Kreischer]

What?

[Tom Segura]

Flamingo magazine. It's a Florida based magazine. My friend is the editor in chief and she was like, yo, you know, everything Florida. I support anything Florida. I'm fucking Florida. Florida, Florida.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So they come to the house and they're like, we're gonna do four setups. And I was like, great, beautiful. I. I wanna, I would love to have her tell her story better. Beautiful photographer, gorgeous. She goes to take a picture and she goes, I can't really bend down. Can you guys get me an apple box? And I was like, what? And she was like, ever since my fall. I said, when did you fall? She goes, well, interesting story. I was dealing with some depression, so I went in for a ketamine treatment and I ended up jumping off a 10 story building.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's not a fall.

[Tom Segura]

She said she's taking ketamine. She says, by the way, these are all allegedly because it's her story. I'm sure there's a lawsuit happening. And I'm not saying names. She's like, I went to go to the bathroom. And in the process of going to the bathroom, I went to the top of the building and I jumped off the building. Her mom was in the lobby waiting for her. Some woman walked in crying and was like, oh my God. I just watched a woman jump off the building. And her mom's like, well, that's interesting. What was she wearing? Describes it. She was like, that's what my daughter was wearing. Then.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's a crazy question to ask. What, that jumper. What were they wearing?

[Tom Segura]

And that is kind of a weird question, but both of her shins went out of her knees, out of her legs. They both shin, both shins. She has scars on both shins. She has a huge data. Do a tracheotomy on her. She landed in a planter. Her head came out of the back of her head. I think she broke. She woke up tomorrow like, like four weeks later in a hospital bed from just from doing ketamine. Was like, what Happened. And they're like, you jumped off a building.

[Bert Kreischer]

Crazy thing when you're like, well, was I in a car accident? And they're like, no, you tried to fucking kill yourself.

[Tom Segura]

And she was like, but she was like, I didn't. I. She was like, I was high on ketamine. And so I was like, holy shit. And then, by the way, I just said like, why can't you bend over? She's like, crazy story. Now everyone is just sitting there at this photo shoot, just listening. She's like, yeah, so my shins went out of my legs. My arm went on my arm. And. And she's like, luckily, she's gorgeous.

[Bert Kreischer]

You mentioned it.

[Tom Segura]

She goes, luckily, I didn't land on my face. Yeah, she's not. Not one scratch on her face. She looks perfect. And I was like, holy shit. And then, of course, I then proceed to. And then my next question is, when was the first time you had sex after jumping off that bowl?

[Bert Kreischer]

That was your question?

[Tom Segura]

And she was like, another great question. And everyone just goes, huh? She was like, okay. So turns out Delta 9, if you have bipolar, makes you manic. And so I was on a manic episode, and I eat one Delta 9 thing for a flight, and next thing you know, 10 days later, I'm eating, and it's like. I mean, unpacked. I love when people overshare.

[Bert Kreischer]

And she overshared.

[Tom Segura]

What the sex about? She had sex with some guy who wakes up every morning and curses God. He was in a fucking. I mean, it was like, as she would tell, every story she said was, like, better and better. And then I was like, we haven't

[Bert Kreischer]

taken a fucking photo yet.

[Tom Segura]

I was like, leanne, we didn't. We hadn't taken a photo. And I was like, leanne, please get her on your podcast. She was like, I wrote a book.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I was like, ah, amazing. Amazing. What do we want to say? Oh, Doug Stanhope. Have you seen his city council thing?

[Tom Segura]

No. And I know everything. Doug Stanhope, pull it up. What do you mean? Doug Stanhope did what?

[Bert Kreischer]

It's cool. He went to.

[Tom Segura]

Wait. Oh, that's not him.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because. Because I guess the. The town. He lives in the comedy club Coat Comedy club closed. Like, that's the catalyst for him going to the. To this city council meeting. Dan Hope showed up to a city hall meeting in Brisby, Arizona, with a new plan for the comedians in town following the closure of their only comedy club in March after the owner of

[Tom Segura]

Chuckleheads killed both himself and his wife's father. Not in that order.

[Guest/Caller]

As you probably heard in the scuttle butt at work, my estranged best friend of 35 years, the owner of Chuckleheads, did this crazy murder suicide thing, tried to kill his ex wife, killed her father on her birthday. Chuckleheads. Oh, I'm sorry. Affordable housing is not as funny as this. But what it did, it left a gaping hole in the comedy community. I know this is an artist community, but comedy is kind of like the stepchild, excuse the R word there. The special needs stepchild of the arts. There's a gaping hole left. The same gaping hole that was in Matt Becker's head when he took his own life. Comedy world. And I tell every up and coming comic, hey, get as much stage time as you can wherever you can get it. That's how you exceed in comedy. And then I realized, oh, shoot. You get three minutes timed every first and third Tuesday. We're turning this into an open mic until you change the rules. There is a comedy show called Kill Tony. It's the biggest comedy thing. They sell out Madison Square Garden where a comic can just get his name pulled out of a hat. He has one minute. And they travel from Los Angeles to Austin to do this Kill Tony show. I implore every comedian on your way from Los Angeles to Austin to stop by every first and third Tuesday. Don't worry, Mr. Budge. They call you a lame duck, but I've never seen you smile more. In 28 seconds, I've talked to the next mayor at the farmer's market and she's all aboard with this. Yes, comics on your way from LA to Austin, Texas, come by and do Kill Bisbee council if you can make them laugh. God love you. Thank you. And let's have some fun with the cows.

[Tom Segura]

He's great.

[Bert Kreischer]

That was fantastic.

[Tom Segura]

He's my favorite Doug Stanhope. And I'm sure I've shared this, but it deserves to be shared again. My favorite Doug Stanhope story is when he got in trouble, I think in Des Moines when a lady wrote in a complaint to Doug going, sir, you are atrocious. Everything you mentioned tonight was one of the worst things I've ever heard. Abortion, making fun of special needs people. I will be reporting you to your agent, to your manager, to the Better Business Bureau, and I will make sure that you never work again. And he wrote back. I could not agree more. He goes, when I got the script for that evening's show, I was appalled. But to do my job right, I had to read exactly what the club had written for me to say, that's so Funny. And the woman wrote back. I knew it couldn't have been you,

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude.

[Tom Segura]

Stanhope is a 1 of 1.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, that was brilliant. Spin that into that. That was brilliant, man.

[Tom Segura]

Will we ever get another Stanhope?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, definitely not. It's one of one.

[Tom Segura]

You had to have wanted to do comedy. That's like wanting to be a whaler before it was popular, you know?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Like, you had to. It's like everyone became chefs because of fucking cooking network. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's like the Bukowski of. Of. Of stand up, you know?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, there's not. There's nobody else like that.

[Tom Segura]

He's. He's such a fascinating fucking guy. And I knew Matt Becker.

[Bert Kreischer]

You did?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Did you play that place? Did you go there?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm sure I did, because I used to go there all the time. I used to go down. I think it was just. I. I think. Yeah, I'm sure I did. I used to go down there and take time off and just hang out. Remember the time his girlfriend ran away with me?

[Bert Kreischer]

What?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I woke up one morning, and I was supposed to go to the airport, and Bingo was like, hey, you ready? And I was like, are you driving me? She's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on, Come on, let's go. Don't make any noise. Let's go. I was like, where are we going? She goes, get in the car. Get in the car. So I grabbed my bags, get in the car. And we start driving, and the car's packed with all this shit. I was like, where are you going? She goes, I'm running away. Don't tell anyone. I was like, what? She's like, yeah, I'm running away. And she was going through this, like, mental health crisis, and we drove to the airport, and she gave me a hug. She's like, please don't tell anyone that I'm running away. And I was like, okay. And she drove away, and I called Doug, and I was like, hey, I think Bingo just ran away. He was like, what? I was like, yeah, she took the car, and then they had to find her. I think they found her in, like, Louisiana.

[Bert Kreischer]

She just started driving, like, days later.

[Tom Segura]

Days later. They all got into a fucking. Another car. He has, like, 20 cars. He buys cars with 100,000 miles on them and then just drives them until they. And then leaves them there. Just leaves them, Leaves them. And they had to go find Bingo. But it was like a crazy fucking moment, you know? I haven't talked to Doug in. I haven't talked to Doug I haven't talked to Doug in a while, and I texted him the other day because he made a really cool video of him drinking vodka out of a grapefruit. And it looked. With grenadine. It looks so good. I was like, yo, I'm send you a case of Porosos. He was like, great. There was a period where I talked to Doug often, and I missed that. I missed that, I think. And it's my fault. I just don't. I don't reach out to people. I kind of just stay in my own little fucking world. But Doug Stanhope is just. He really is. He's like. You know, he reminds me of Brendan Walsh. You're never. No, I'm not shitting on the comics now, but the comics now, it's about getting famous and getting views and getting clicks. Yeah. I'm not saying that I'm not one of them. I'm not saying I'm not one of them. I'm just saying there is a part of me that got into this business when there wasn't money involved.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's 100% true.

[Tom Segura]

And that is. The heroes of this job are the ones. I'm certain he's not a huge fan of mine, but. Even Tim Heidecker. Yeah, Tim Heidecker, he would do this without money and being involved, you know, like, he is just an interesting brain. And Doug and Brendan, and there's so many people that they got into this before there was money involved.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, Walsh would do. That's the thing is Walsh would do things that were like. I always love this, where you're like. You learn about one of his. Whatever you want to call it, his setups.

[Tom Segura]

Prank.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's not the right word for it, but, like, you know, he would do like a. Like, a Circuit City was closing in la and in, like. I think it was like, in Silver. Like, near Silver Lake. So he just put like, a massive Whole Foods coming soon so that people would be like, oh, that's awesome. Like, they were excited.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, coming soon, Whole Foods. And so we're like.

[Bert Kreischer]

And that was just. That was just to get people excited that he wouldn't. He would. You wouldn't see the payout. You would just know that the community would say, like, oh, I can't. I'm so excited.

[Tom Segura]

We would.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like this or not, like. Like, whatever response is like, plus or minus. You don't get to benefit. There's no footage of it. He just knows that he's misinforming a community.

[Tom Segura]

The joke for him, and then the joke for him was to be at the coffee shop and hear someone go, you know, there's a Whole Foods coming.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And then he would. That was his. That was his job.

[Bert Kreischer]

And he'd be like, fuck, yeah. That'd be. I can't wait. And. Or. Or like. Or the opposite. When he did the Silver Lake Gun

[Tom Segura]

Club, what was that?

[Bert Kreischer]

So Silver Lake, for people that don't know, is a very hipster, very liberal section of a liberal city of Los Angeles. Right. The east side. And very much not a pro gun area.

[Tom Segura]

No, no.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so there was a bar that was closing. I think it was MJ's. And he put a sign there that said, silver Lake Gun Club coming soon. Like, that kind of thing. But then he started a website and he did it like HTML, where, like, you just see, like, two bald eagles flying in a flag.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then he put a phone number that would go to him so people would call and be like, I do not support. He goes, fucking America. You know, just like, tell them, like, I can do what I want and let. Let them vent and yell. And they'd leave voicemails about how disappointed they are about having a gun club in Silver Lake. Shit like that. Where you're like, this is not for public, really consumption. It's just for his own entertainment. You know, it's for his own amusement. Is just to be funny for the sake of being funny. It's very funny thing to do, even.

[Tom Segura]

I'm not shitting on myself, but even in moments where I was doing things just to be funny, I always thought, how do I monetize that?

[Bert Kreischer]

Or how do I show an audience?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, how do I show this to more people? Like, the. What will the maid think? I started that as a genuine thing. And then I was like, oh, maybe I'll do a coffee.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, you'd have to find out about his.

[Tom Segura]

Like, he. They just do it. And. And it. It's so interesting because you know what

[Bert Kreischer]

he did during COVID What? During COVID he would. Everyone started zooming. Everyone's zooms exploded. And so he would get on, like, these business. I forgot how he would, like, what the pretense was for the zoom, but it would be people in, like, some business, like, or some discussion forum. And then he would hire somebody, like, off of, like, Craigslist. He'd be like, will you join this zoom? I'll give you, like, 40 bucks. And then at some point, just stand up naked with your dick. And so I saw a recording of it. People are all having this, like. And he Would. He was really good at, like, being like, yeah, yeah. This is, like, of something I really care about, you know? Like, he would sell them that he should be in this, and they're all listening to him. And then some guy just stands up and his dick is on camera, and everyone's like, what's happening here? It's insane.

[Guest/Caller]

And then people are like, what kind of meeting are we in?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, it's so funny, man.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that when Doug had the. The Unbookables.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

That was like, him. Sean Rouse. I saw. The first time I ever saw Brandon Walsh do stand up, I was at the Laugh Factory. I walked in and I knew who he was. And they're like, brendan Walsh is on stage. I was like, wow. And I was standing with a group of people, and he gets on stage and he goes, holy shit. Gene Hackman died.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah, The Gene Hackman.

[Tom Segura]

And everyone's like, whoa. And he was like, can you fucking believe it? Hey, he's died today. And I watched a group of girls go, oh, my God. Oh, my God. And they left. He goes, I'm just kidding.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

He was like, yeah. You didn't think you were a Gene Hackman fan until now, huh? Maybe you should pay more attention to his work. He goes, you know, is. His brain just works in a silly way? Like, he goes, you know, you can buy yourself a birthday cake any day of the week.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, that's a great. Yeah, that's a great.

[Tom Segura]

He is. Those guys played. There's, like. There's comics who play. I know. I see this online. I feel like I'm. I feel like, you know, we get back to this thing of how much longer you do stand up. Like, at a certain point, nothing surprises you anymore. No one's really shocking you, and no one's bringing. Like, when you're young and you watch it, you're like. Like, Sean Rouse was fucking brilliant. I mean, brilliant. And it's a bummer that, like, guys like him just kind of disappear. That's what. Where I say, life is fleeting and it's a cash grab or they pass away. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And they. They didn't. So, like, some comics play to the back of the room. They try to play to the back of the room, and then that's a weakness where you're like, we get what you're doing. Guys like that, they played to themselves.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

They only played. And Stanhope, he has the most brilliant bit about calling Pac. Calling India for fucking a phone.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, like, the telemarketing stuff.

[Tom Segura]

It is the most Brilliant bit. I would never do it justice. I don't know what special it's on. I think it's on YouTube. He is just one of those guys. The first time I ever saw him do stand up, I was blown away. I was blown away by what he did. And then he started making fun of me in the back of the room because I had gotten a show that he had wanted to, and he started making fun of me. And I was like, I was with Gary Valentine. I think he's making fun of me. And he goes, he absolutely is. And I go, do you think he knows I'm in here? And he was like, 100%. And he just started picking apart my career and what my career was going to look like if I didn't start focusing on or whatever. And it was just like. I feel like. I feel like I need a sabbatical. I feel like I need a day job to hang out with other just degenerates. Like work at a Home Depot and just come up with funny shit to do. Yep, this job's pretty good.

[Bert Kreischer]

Why am I going to get. You could. I was going to say, you definitely can. Yeah, you could go there. All right, look, we're so excited to see you Saturday, May 9th at the Rose Bowl. Just come fucking hang out with us. Walk it. If you don't want to run it. Just walk it, everybody. A lot of people walk.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it's going to be a blast. I think I will be smoking weed definitely by then, and I'm gonna try to get Snoop to come out because I'd love my first joint to be with Snoop.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's it, man.

[Tom Segura]

I'm really glad I flew here. I didn't want to fly here.

[Bert Kreischer]

Thank you for coming in.

[Tom Segura]

No. Hey, can I tell you, this is what friendship is. I want to say this. I want to say this. This is when you know you're a friend of someone. Like, you're my friend, and I know you're my friend, and I know Ari's my friend, and I know that I do things for a friend. I was saying to Zolo, just casually, business wise, they're like, you know, I was like, well, I want to come in and do some Two Bears. And Zolo's like, well, you know, you came in last time. Tom should come out next time. And I said very casually, I went, no, this is going to sound sad when I say it. I go, no, I don't really have anything waiting for me at home. Like, it's just Leanne. All the dogs are dead. The cats are all dead. The girls are in college. I go, he's got two kids. And if you said to me, yo, Bert, when you had young kids, I'll come to you so you don't have to leave your kids. And I love your kids, I go, that's what a friend would do. So this morning I woke up and I was like, God damn it, I wish I wasn't his friend. I don't want to fly in. I'm so glad I came. These are two. I love doing this show, and I love that as a friend, I can silently. Although I did tell you I did it silently, give you the gift of getting to be with your family and getting work done.

[Bert Kreischer]

Thank you.

[Tom Segura]

And I fly right now. I get on a plane to go to Tampa. I was here for four hours.

[Bert Kreischer]

And just so you know, I really appreciate it. And today, because I'm here, I'll go take Ellis to Jiu Jitsu. So that'll be. That'll be fun.

[Tom Segura]

Well, I want you to know that I will be white knuckling a flight to Tampa on South West.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's not that bad.

[Tom Segura]

Now they got first class now it's not.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it's not that bad.

[Tom Segura]

I got the whole row.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do it, man.

[Tom Segura]

I don't want anyone sitting next to me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Smart.

[Tom Segura]

I'm a door prize. You walk on Southwest and you're like, oh, are we drinking today?

[Bert Kreischer]

And you're like, July 12th. I am, though.

[Tom Segura]

July 12th I am. Guys, hit me up. Tell me where I should fucking party. July 12th. I love you, buddy.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right. I love you, too, man. Bye, guys.

[Tom Segura]

Burt, Tom, Tom and Burt. One goes topless while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories, and Burt's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call two bears. One cave.