The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Summary

Podcast Summary: "The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon" | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Title: The Blue Origin Broads Backlash w/ Thomas Lennon
Hosts: Bert Kreischer & Tom Segura
Guest: Ken Marino
Release Date: April 28, 2025
Hosted by: YMH Studios

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1. Introduction to Upcoming Events

The episode begins with Bert Kreischer and Tom Segura promoting their upcoming "2 Bears 5K" event. Bert humorously compares running a marathon without training to running a 5K effortlessly.

Bert Kreischer [00:12]: "I ran the LA Marathon with no training. You can run a 5k with zero training."

Tom emphasizes the inclusivity of the event, highlighting festivities, food, and the option to participate virtually.

Tom Segura [00:24]: "It's a celebration. Every fitness level, every celebrity level, it's a party."

2. The Decline of Reading and Book Culture

The conversation shifts to the diminishing habit of reading books. Ken Marino shares anecdotes about his grandfather's pen etiquette and the generational shift away from reading.

Ken Marino [02:14]: "Yeah, books are gonna be gone one day. Very soon. Very, very soon."

Bert humorously recounts an incident involving Leanne reacting skeptically to a book recommendation, further illustrating the decline in reading for pleasure.

Bert Kreischer [01:45]: "Leanne said, are there pictures in it?"

3. Blue Origin Broads: Emotional Responses and Backlash

The core discussion revolves around the backlash to Blue Origin's television portrayal of female astronauts, nicknamed the "Broads." Tom shares his emotional experience watching the show, reflecting on the fragility of life and the awe of space travel.

Tom Segura [07:35]: "I got into a heated argument yesterday at an Easter party. Everyone's livid."

Bert expresses discomfort with the show's design elements, particularly the space capsule's "screen door," likening it to flimsy materials and questioning its safety.

Ken Marino [20:07]: "The door was made out of like straight up paper mache."

The hosts delve into personal fears related to confined spaces and the inherent dangers of space exploration, balancing humor with genuine concern.

Ken Marino [02:14]: "Books are gonna be gone one day."

4. Confrontations: Love vs. Hate

A stark contrast is drawn between Bert's aversion to confrontations and Ken's affinity for them. Ken shares stories from his past, highlighting how confrontations have shaped his demeanor, while Bert recounts personal incidents where avoidance led to physical altercations.

Ken Marino [03:27]: "I'm almost. Me and your neighbors almost had a thing."

Bert Kreischer [07:25]: "I cried. I cry all the time."

These anecdotes underscore differing approaches to conflict, with Ken embracing it as a growth tool and Bert expressing frustration over escalating tensions.

5. Personal Anecdotes: Fights and Fear

The conversation becomes deeply personal as both hosts share experiences of being in physical confrontations. Bert describes a traumatic incident where he was assaulted for challenging someone's authority, reflecting on societal shifts in handling disputes.

Bert Kreischer [86:47]: "He beat up six of us. He beat up six of us."

Ken complements this by recounting a reckless pursuit of a thief, resulting in a harrowing encounter with law enforcement.

Ken Marino [90:07]: "I grabbed my BB gun, rifle... seven LAPD cop cars and the helicopter."

These stories illustrate the escalating nature of modern-day confrontations and the personal toll they take.

6. Movie Discussions: Christopher Nolan and Beyond

Shifting gears, the trio discusses renowned films, particularly those directed by Christopher Nolan. Ken Marino praises "Memento" and "Following," while Bert laments his limited understanding of complex narratives.

Ken Marino [61:03]: "Memento, one of my favorite movies, it's Crazy Tenant."

They explore themes of memory, time travel, and character development, intertwining their personal connections to the films with humorous commentary.

7. Social Dynamics and Modern Behavior

A recurring theme is the deterioration of manners and social etiquette. Both Bert and Ken express concern over heightened aggression and diminished civility in daily interactions, using vivid examples from their lives to highlight these changes.

Bert Kreischer [98:45]: "You have to be really careful whenever you make jokes about MMA guys."

Ken Marino [84:24]: "We used to have manners about everything."

8. Therapeutic Insights: Managing Rage and Relationships

The hosts touch upon personal growth through therapy, discussing strategies to handle rage and improve relationships. Bert shares his struggles with anger management and the influence of his wife's support in navigating these challenges.

Bert Kreischer [109:38]: "I went to therapy with my wife... She's going through menopause."

They brainstorm light-hearted ideas for couples therapy, blending humor with genuine attempts to find solutions.

9. Closing Remarks: Imagining New Ventures and Final Thoughts

As the episode nears its end, Bert and Ken flirt with creative ideas for future projects, such as designing an app for making new friends devoid of unwanted advances. They also reminisce about past events and express gratitude for their friendship and shared experiences.

Bert Kreischer [112:16]: "Come on, what do you need Bert for?"

The episode concludes on a high note, celebrating their camaraderie and the unique dynamic that defines "2 Bears, 1 Cave."

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Notable Quotes

• Bert Kreischer [00:12]: "I ran the LA Marathon with no training. You can run a 5k with zero training."
• Ken Marino [02:14]: "Books are gonna be gone one day. Very soon. Very, very soon."
• Tom Segura [07:35]: "I got into a heated argument yesterday at an Easter party. Everyone's livid."
• Ken Marino [61:03]: "Memento, one of my favorite movies, it's Crazy Tenant."
• Ken Marino [90:07]: "I grabbed my BB gun, rifle... seven LAPD cop cars and the helicopter."
• Bert Kreischer [109:38]: "I went to therapy with my wife... She's going through menopause."

---

Key Takeaways

• Generational Shifts: A decline in reading culture and changing social behaviors.
• Handling Confrontations: Divergent approaches to conflict management between the hosts.
• Emotional Resilience: Personal stories highlight the impact of past experiences on current perspectives.
• Cinematic Appreciation: Deep dive into complex films reflecting on memory and time travel.
• Social Etiquette: Concerns over diminishing manners and increasing aggression in society.
• Therapeutic Growth: Exploring methods to manage anger and strengthen personal relationships.

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This episode of "2 Bears, 1 Cave" offers a blend of humor, personal storytelling, and insightful discussions, making it a captivating listen for both longtime fans and newcomers alike.

Transcript

[Bert Kreischer]

My new special, Lucky, is streaming right now on Netflix. Check it out.

[Tom Segura]

The Two Bears 5K is this Sunday. Come join us at Raymond James Stadium in Tampa Bay, Florida.

[Bert Kreischer]

And if you haven't trained, don't worry. I ran the LA Marathon with no training. You can run a 5k with zero training. Bet someone in your office right now that you can do it and beat them with no training. Make it fun. Go.

[Tom Segura]

Go to 2bears5k.com Sign up. Join us in person in Tampa. It is going to be a day of festivities. It's a celebration. Every fitness level, every celebrity level, there's a. It's a party. There's food, there's music. It's a great time. If you can't join us in person, you can do this virtually. You will still get your shirt, your sweatbands, your metal. Go to 2bears5k.com right now and get on the field with us. Come join us. Come run or do it at home.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just do it. Do it 100%.

[Ken Marino]

My grandfather used to always have a pen in his if he ever wore a suit, which was only to, like, funerals and things. He was born in 1902.

[Bert Kreischer]

Was he really?

[Ken Marino]

Yeah. He had a pen in his outer jacket, and he said that was the style at the time. And my grandmother was like, that wasn't the style. She's like, you did that? So people knew that you knew how to read, so they would wear like a. Just have the pen. Like a reading brag.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's why I carry these around.

[Ken Marino]

It'll look like you're fancy.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's a reader, huh? Yeah. The.

[Ken Marino]

What's the last book you read?

[Bert Kreischer]

The.

[Ken Marino]

I can't. I literally can't do it. And I always thought I was sort of a smarty pants. I haven't read a book. I can't. I honestly can't think of it. Wait. Nope. Wait. Nope.

[Bert Kreischer]

There was a. Nope. We were on. On our honeymoon. There was a woman. We went to a really nice place for our honeymoon, and there was a woman reading a book. And I've never seen Leanne spit fluid out of her nose before. And the woman said to Leanne, hey, I think Bert would like this book. Leanne said, spits a drink out of her nose and goes, are there pictures in it?

[Ken Marino]

I can't remember last time I read a book. It just doesn't. It doesn't come up.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you think books are gonna be gone one day?

[Ken Marino]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Soon. Very soon. Yeah, Very, very soon.

[Bert Kreischer]

How do you.

[Ken Marino]

I mean, I wonder if I would you know, like, maybe I should get at least get into, like, 50 shades of gray or something. That maybe is gonna, you know, fill that. Scratch that itch of, like, people getting boners and stuff, but haven't tried it yet.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm always impressed when neo Nazis read Mein Kampf, and I go, wow, you read it? That's crazy. You read the whole thing?

[Ken Marino]

We read. Okay, first of all, no, there won't be books. Pretty soon, we were at Me and Ken Marino. We went on a bike trip in Italy That'll give the shortest version of the story. There's probably more to it, but I'm gonna give it work. And we're at this swimming pool. There's sort of nice Masseria hotel out in the. You know, and the lifeguard. The lifeguard at the pool is reading Mein Kampf. We see. And he's like, young guy in a Speedo, just so it's like you can kind of see his dick. And he's also reading Mein Kampf and everything. The whole thing feels weird.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

You know, and I'm the kind of guy who's always just like, hey, let's not mess with the guy whose boner's out and he's reading minecampf. Let's just let it. You know what? Let's let him be. You know? But Ken Marino, as much as I love. I love confrontations. I love it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I hate them.

[Ken Marino]

I'm almost. Me and your neighbors almost had a thing. We'll find. We'll get into that.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's why people say racist things to me, and I just go, cool.

[Ken Marino]

You don't like confrontations?

[Bert Kreischer]

I hate.

[Ken Marino]

I love them.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you serious?

[Ken Marino]

I love it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you serious?

[Ken Marino]

It makes my wife crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I. Leanne likes confrontation.

[Ken Marino]

I love it. I love it. I think also, people don't expect it from me. Anyway, Ken Marino went right up to the guy's, like, hey, what's going on with my camp over here? What's going on? He's like, I'm a forhi story. I'm a mecha for history. I'm a Mecca for history. It's like, no, you're also. But you just got super Nazi vibes, too. Hey, cheers, by the way.

[Bert Kreischer]

Cheers.

[Ken Marino]

Nice to be back at your beautiful mansion. I walked into the neighbor's mansion by accident.

[Bert Kreischer]

That was this beautiful.

[Ken Marino]

That's really nice. Almost became part of an accessory to whatever they're doing over there. The only thing you can call what you become when you hang out over there is an accessory now.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, it's all the same color car. All the same type of car.

[Ken Marino]

So many white vehicles.

[Bert Kreischer]

White.

[Ken Marino]

White.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey, wait. Can you buy Mon comp on Amazon? I want to see how many. How many 5 star reviews.

[Ken Marino]

For my struggle.

[Bert Kreischer]

Let's see mine, Comp, comp, Minecraft, my struggle.

[Ken Marino]

For those of you who don't speak as much casual German as I do, I. I feel like I speak great German until I'm in Germany and then people look at me like, what the fuck is wrong with you?

[Bert Kreischer]

4.4 reviews. 2000.

[Ken Marino]

Jesus, don't put my book up.

[Bert Kreischer]

Shut up, Adolf Hitler. It's got 4.4 reviews.

[Ken Marino]

Damn it. That's really good.

[Bert Kreischer]

That says 4.4 stars.

[Ken Marino]

That's as good as my. That's as good or better than my actual screenwriting?

[Bert Kreischer]

Put your book in my screenwriting book. See if minecampf has better reviews than your book.

[Ken Marino]

Oh, absolutely. It certainly has more brilliant.

[Bert Kreischer]

Unable to beat the U.S. in NATO ballow. But oh, my God, these reviews are fucking awesome.

[Ken Marino]

I feel like. Don't you. Shouldn't you go right on a watch list? When you're doing a great review of Minecamp on Amazon, shouldn't you be right on a watch list?

[Bert Kreischer]

Just like, ding, Good read.

[Ken Marino]

Literally, your. Your doorbells. Your ring doorbell should just go like, we've Amazon's received your very. Your glowing review of Mein Kampf and we just want to see what you're.

[Bert Kreischer]

Up to, dog breath 101. First, let me say I bought this as a gift. Who the fuck do you give to?

[Ken Marino]

I had hesitant feelings about ordering the book. I don't think hesitated to purchase a book, but for me, this was it. I'm not sure what the book's content are, but the author helped create pure evil on humanity. Okay, so he's awfully the same as the, like, the weird. There's a lot of weird guys in Speedos who are like, I just need to know the history.

[Bert Kreischer]

The history.

[Ken Marino]

Oh, this one. Go. But he gives it four stars because the delivery was asap. You know, whenever I want my. Whenever I want someone's comp. Whenever I want dyna comp for someone else's comp.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is crazy. Just read it.

[Ken Marino]

Look. I mean, but look up. You can get look up reviews of anything. Look up, you know, passages from the Bible. There's Bible quotes, you know, that'll be like, judge not lest you be judged. Has one star.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey, did you would. Did you watch the women go to space?

[Ken Marino]

I've thought of little else. I'm so glad I have so many Thoughts. Yes, I did.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can I. Can I. Well, polarize everything right now?

[Ken Marino]

And you loved it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I loved it. I cried.

[Ken Marino]

Okay?

[Bert Kreischer]

I cried. And my dad was.

[Ken Marino]

I want to hear so much more about how that made you cry.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. Okay. I'll tell you why. Okay. This is for real. I'm not. And I'm now listening as a comment. I know that you're.

[Ken Marino]

I love that you're going against literally every thought, thinking person in the world right now on this.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's why I don't talk about politics, because all of my opinions are. Are true to who I am and how I feel. And they're always very sensitive and they're always very. No, you're a good. You're. And so. So this is what did it for me.

[Ken Marino]

I wouldn't be here if I thought you were as scary as you seem.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm going to take another S before I over share.

[Ken Marino]

Well, let's go because this could be. Oh, Jesus.

[Bert Kreischer]

By the way. Hang on. I watched it. I watched it on replay Sunday morning, right. So I already knew the ending.

[Ken Marino]

Why.

[Bert Kreischer]

So why. I'm on the treadmill and. And I was like. And my dad's in my gym, my dad's at my desk. I'm on the treadmill and I get. I turn it on and there. And you see the Kardashians and Oprah and everyone's sitting in the waiting room and like the area, all the.

[Ken Marino]

Let's be honest, the dudes who are piloting the thing from the. Have you seen a picture of all the guys?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ken Marino]

We keep that real quiet.

[Bert Kreischer]

So. And I just thought. I thought, okay, maybe I'll write a bit about this. I'll maybe. Let me watch it. And so I start watching it and they start to take off and I go, that's pretty cool, man. Rockets are pretty badass. And then this is what got me.

[Ken Marino]

The flower, the tiny daisy.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I. Thomas, I only saw the exterior shot. I never saw interior. I never saw any interior. I only watched exterior. So it was the speed and the height is what got me. And then I started going like. They're going like twelve hundred miles per hour.

[Ken Marino]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they're at three, what, seventeen hundred. Seventeen hundred miles per hour. And they're at. They're at like three hundred and thirty thousand feet in the air. And I just started going like, holy shit, what a crazy experience. And life wasn't guaranteed. And I was thinking about the fragility of life.

[Ken Marino]

Sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then. And then all these things. I got emotional. And my dad's watching. He goes, this is fucking stupid.

[Ken Marino]

Did you cry at this?

[Bert Kreischer]

I cried.

[Ken Marino]

I love that you cried. I cried yesterday, by the way.

[Bert Kreischer]

Why? I cry all the time.

[Ken Marino]

I cry a lot, you know, for a guy. I love confrontations. Like, I do love confrontations. We'll get into that later. But I think it's. I think it's good. You gotta cry because, like, if you're not crying every once in a while, you could get scary. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

Although when I start crying, it can be a little bit scary.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Ken Marino]

I do. I'm too Irish. You know, the Irish, we're just dramatic. We're melodramatic about everything. Do you think they had. What kind of underwear you think goes under the spacesuit? These space. These. These specific space suits?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I guarantee it was branded, for sure.

[Ken Marino]

Skims and spanks. Skims and spanks and skims and spanks and. Yeah, gotta be.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, by the way.

[Ken Marino]

Gotta be.

[Bert Kreischer]

Immediately bring Playboy back. Do a photo shoot. All them naked. Yeah, I'd buy it.

[Ken Marino]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm only looking at two.

[Ken Marino]

Yeah, no, no, I'm aware. You just said all of them. And I'm like, yeah, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I wouldn't mind seeing Amanda win.

[Ken Marino]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's kind of crazy, though. Like, it's kind of like, used to be.

[Ken Marino]

But Playboy used to be better than everything we have now. Yeah, it used to be. It would just be, like, zipped with a little, like, you know, like, we used to. Everybody didn't just used to, like, like, point their butthole at you this first second. You see every.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, there's too much.

[Ken Marino]

We used to have a little bit of class, and it used to be a little bit of, like. It wasn't all just. We're gonna open with buttholes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you remember how sexy you didn't see buttholes?

[Ken Marino]

I'm gonna be honest at all.

[Bert Kreischer]

You never saw a butthole.

[Ken Marino]

We. I went my entire life for a long time without being confronted. I'm gonna go ahead and say buttholes became confrontational at some point in the last 15ish years. We got real confrontational. Yeah, about, like, something. I'm not really sure when that happened.

[Bert Kreischer]

The. The sexiest was old timey stuff.

[Ken Marino]

Old timey tan lines.

[Bert Kreischer]

No one has tan lines anymore.

[Ken Marino]

Old timey tan lines.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tan lines were so sexy.

[Ken Marino]

Right? And everybody's just like, oh, my. You caught me over here by the tree. I'm just, like, doing it. It's not like, oh, wait, I'm gonna see if this jug of punch fits in my butthole. Like, which is what I think we've. We've gotten to. We've. We've. We've devolved into butt stuff.

[Bert Kreischer]

You got into a place where you got to look for something on porn that is so bizarre. You're like, what is that?

[Ken Marino]

You almost want to. You want to go search, like, upbeat or cinematic or friendly. Friendly, like, not torture dongs. And, you know, everybody torture is.

[Bert Kreischer]

Shows up. I don't know what I clicked on one time torture. It's. Dude, I. Every time I get, like. Because I'm a point of view guy is pov. Pov Torture. Pov. Pov. Milking table. And I'm like, ugh. I was like, I wish I could reset my.

[Ken Marino]

Oh, I'm sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

History.

[Ken Marino]

You probably can, can't you?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I can't do it. No. Can you believe that there's parts of this country they want you to put in your driver's license and sign up for an account on pornhub.

[Ken Marino]

That'll happen. People are gonna get right on that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. There's a milking table.

[Ken Marino]

Yeah. It's exactly what you think. It's exactly. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

By the way, just heads up, if you ever get a massage and they do have that hole in the center. Do not get a massage.

[Ken Marino]

I've never gotten a massage like that. It's literally never come up. I've never been asked even about that. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm always shocked. Can I always tell you? Because I think I can trust that we're the same type of guy.

[Ken Marino]

I think so.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think we're both very probably highly sensitive, highly creative, highly, like, big criers. Big criers. Yeah. I have. I'm always almost offended, somewhat blown away at guys who ask for hand jobs and massages.

[Ken Marino]

It makes me very sad.

[Bert Kreischer]

It breaks my heart.

[Ken Marino]

I don't like it.

[Bert Kreischer]

You think the world is that transactional that you can just go, hey, what about a little. Huh? Like, I. And I was on a. I was at.

[Ken Marino]

I do. I mean, I do that at the dentist, but that's different. She's Russian. It's cool. It's completely different.

[Bert Kreischer]

I actually. At the dentist, I was like. The last time I was there, I was like, it's so crazy. I don't, like, let a lot of people put their fingers in my mouth.

[Ken Marino]

Oh. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's weird, but they just randomly. People just put their fingers. Let me just get in there.

[Ken Marino]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I'm always blown away at guys who can do that. I think it's just crazy.

[Ken Marino]

Well, I Feel like the, the odds of somebody being like no is like you know, could. It's what. What an amazing bummer that would be.

[Bert Kreischer]

What, what lack of backbone do you have? You're like okay.

[Ken Marino]

And then now you, now you've, you've crossed that bridge.

[Bert Kreischer]

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[Tom Segura]

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[Ken Marino]

Yeah, that's a bell you cannot unring. Hey, how about playing with this boner? No, thank you. Well, now, where are we? Cannot unring this.

[Bert Kreischer]

I just said I can't imagine what, a week back. But you'd have to jerk him off. It's me. Yeah, I'd be the person. If someone was like, dad, we got a heads up of this. I'd be like, all right. I don't. I want you to like me.

[Ken Marino]

Yeah, of course I like Every I want need. I need everyone to like me.

[Bert Kreischer]

So what was your take on the. What was your take on the astronauts? Because I got into a heated argument yesterday at an Easter party.

[Ken Marino]

What is everybody saying? It's a waste of money.

[Bert Kreischer]

Everyone's livid.

[Ken Marino]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, the Internet's hot take is that you're not astronauts.

[Ken Marino]

But they weren't, by the way. They weren't giving that money to the library anyway.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was not going to.

[Ken Marino]

It was not going to the library. It was not going to books, which as we know, is not a thing. So. It wasn't. Yeah, I thought Gayle King made a good point where she was like, yeah, it wasn't either. Or like, they definitely didn't like cancel an opera for this.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

You know, but okay, here's my only take on it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Ken Marino]

If they'd. Everybody did it and didn't say a thing about it. Much cooler.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

Instead of coming back and kind of shaming us.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

Kind of making us be the dicks. They're like, well, you guys were all. We left. We thought you'd be cool. We came back 11 minutes later and you're still dicks.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

Like, that was a weird take.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

The take that we. That we ruined. It was weird.

[Bert Kreischer]

I thought we ruined it. Yeah, it's our fault.

[Ken Marino]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

That we didn't like it.

[Ken Marino]

Yeah, it is a little bit our fault that we didn't like it. Well, you know what, you guys? Yeah, I was like, oh, that was bold. Yeah. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know what? It was. This is what. I don't think sometimes the Internet can tell you what there's. They find gross about it easily and derivatively because they know what other people are saying. So they give a hot takes. They feel like that's what the Internet's giving. But I'll tell you what was what they couldn't articulate properly. It was that these women when they walked out of the space shuttle. Space astronaut.

[Ken Marino]

The. The blue origin capsule. Capsule which was unscorched. They each has a screen door, basically.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. That was a pretty light door.

[Ken Marino]

Hey, hey. Now the door is made out of like straight up paper mache. And it basically does this. Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

It looked like an RV door. Huh.

[Ken Marino]

Is listless little thing. But I'm not. I'm not a conspiracy guy. The door was weird.

[Bert Kreischer]

The. The. Each women and it started with Katy Perry gave their I have a dream large one man step for man moment. Like they each were like. They were like ready to be immortalized.

[Ken Marino]

Right. And a closer connection to love.

[Bert Kreischer]

To love. And gratitude.

[Ken Marino]

What would that feel like other than just taking mdma? Did they just take mdma?

[Bert Kreischer]

Because MDMA is great, by the way. Acid would be as fun.

[Ken Marino]

Can be scary on occasion.

[Bert Kreischer]

But if you can give me acid.

[Ken Marino]

In 11 minutes, and then it goes away in 11 minutes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, do you know how often I take chef kiss? Yes.

[Ken Marino]

11 minutes. And I'm.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, you. I'm assuming you didn't watch all interviews.

[Ken Marino]

Everybody in the things now.

[Bert Kreischer]

So the best is. And I. And I'm paraphrasing a tad bit. Amanda Wynn was. Is.

[Ken Marino]

She's a real astronaut?

[Bert Kreischer]

No. No.

[Ken Marino]

Oh, no, no.

[Bert Kreischer]

She's a advocate, a lawyer. Oh, yeah. So she's a women's rights advocate.

[Ken Marino]

Great.

[Bert Kreischer]

She was. I just read the story. She was sexually essayed. Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

You say it now. I've heard that, too. It's not. It's terrible.

[Bert Kreischer]

At Harvard.

[Ken Marino]

Oh.

[Bert Kreischer]

She chose not to press charges right away and then realized within six months that. So she's an advocate for women's rights. Right. But the interviewer said, do you feel like this has healed your trauma? Like, do you. And. And you watch this Amanda win Go. Like, you think I'm, like, cool with my now. Like, what? What? What? And it was so bizarre. Yeah. Like, no one was prepared. There's Amanda.

[Ken Marino]

Yeah, there she is.

[Bert Kreischer]

But no one was prepared for, like. I just. You know, what got me emotional was, like, you know, I bet the world does look peaceful when you look at it from up there. And it's not. It is. No.

[Ken Marino]

It's a real bummer to come back. Yeah. It's like, if you come back, it's like the guys two doors down who are. Something. Literally, something's up.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

On earth.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

Like, there's some stuff that's up down here, guys.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's crazy like this. I got emotional watching this thing land that I go. That I'm seeing something like this happen in my lifetime. That's crazy. This would be terrifying.

[Ken Marino]

Yeah. That is a lot. You know, it reminded me mostly, I was like, you know, you could also do the Big Shot in Las Vegas on the Stratosphere. Have you done it?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah.

[Ken Marino]

It's the best ride in the world.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

It scares the shit out of you.

[Bert Kreischer]

In the world. In the world.

[Ken Marino]

Yeah. Not. We're not a sponsor of the show, I don't think. Get on the fucking big Shot of the Stratosphere. It's insane.

[Bert Kreischer]

It is insane. You. You see planes.

[Ken Marino]

I. Height.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I Height. Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

It's crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's crazy.

[Ken Marino]

It would probably be neater than this. It also is technically faster and less expensive.

[Bert Kreischer]

There's a lot of rides. I've done every lot of rides. There's Fox Canyon type. In Fox Canyon, New Zealand, they have a. They have a free fall ride, like a rope swing, which I'd argue is probably.

[Ken Marino]

Oh, I know. I know what those are. It literally drops you and you just.

[Bert Kreischer]

You just fall with two people arms.

[Ken Marino]

Next to you or just by yourself.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, you're by yourself. And then they. They just drop you.

[Ken Marino]

At first you feel like you're dying for a second.

[Bert Kreischer]

For four seconds.

[Ken Marino]

It's actually, I'll be honest, scarier than skydiving, which I've done. Because skydiving, you don't get a sense. You step out of an airplane and you're kind of going, but you don't feel like, oh, the ground's racing at me. You just feel like you're in, you know?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

But on those, you get a sense that the ground is racing at you, which is a very different feeling.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they do it back where they hold. I'll tell you right now, this is one of the most intense feelings I've ever had in my entire life. Fox Canyon, they had you on a chair. It was called the chair of death. And they lean the chair back. And so, like, you know when you fall on a chair, but you fall.

[Ken Marino]

Oh, yeah. Well, that's. That's very scary.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is intense. This is intense. And by the way, probably justice. I would love. Would you go to space if they said, all right, here's the deal. We're gonna.

[Ken Marino]

On the deal 100.

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Ken Marino]

Why claustrophobia? I'm a severe claustrophobe.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, bad.

[Ken Marino]

Bad, I guess, when I was a little kid. So when I was a little kid, I had a security blanket that I took, believe it or not. For a guy who cries a lot and loves to start fights, I don't know what's wrong with me exactly. I talked to my psychiatrist on the way over. He's like, best of luck. But I have a very good psychiatrist shout out to my psychiatrist who's amazing. But. So I had my little security blanket and a backpack that I went with everywhere in the world. And we were in Iowa, and we went into these caves that these people had, like a farm there. And I got stuck for a while. Remember, like, Winnie the Pooh getting, like, stuck in the tree kind of.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hold on. Yeah, like stuck in a cave.

[Ken Marino]

I got stuck in. In between, in the entrance of a cave because I had my security blanket in the backpack. So I'm like stuck and then I start to panic and I panic and a panic panic and I don't think I'm going to be able to get out. And I can still feel that feeling basically every day of my life now. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can you watch spelunking videos?

[Ken Marino]

Oh, Jesus. The scariest.

[Bert Kreischer]

Have you seen the movie 2100 and 27 Hours?

[Ken Marino]

Well, that one that someone cut off his arm. Yeah, the one with the girls where they go below. My God, it's so. It's really intense. They go below and there's like weird monster men down underground. Five girls in a cave. It is unbelievably amazing. Spelunking. Five girls in a cave movie. Five girls, one cave. Spelunking.

[Bert Kreischer]

Move.

[Ken Marino]

The Descent. The Descent? You've never seen the Descent? No, it's great.

[Bert Kreischer]

For real.

[Ken Marino]

It scares me at a level the Descent scares me at a level that no movie can scare me at because it taps into a fear of mine so deep rooted that I can't get out of it. So Descent. Don't like it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I've done a ton of spelunking and I like it. I hate it. I hate it. We were in a cave in New Zealand where, I mean I, I'm claustrophobic as well.

[Ken Marino]

So what were you doing in there.

[Bert Kreischer]

For tv and I was.

[Ken Marino]

Oh, you're doing. Because somebody was filming it. Yeah, that same with me. I will. If you film, I'll do it. Yeah, yeah. Like jerking the guy off in the thing or like chair, like whatever. Be like, oh well, we're filming it. We're filming it, we're filming it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh yeah, I can do this, I can do that.

[Ken Marino]

That's different. That's funny.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ken Marino]

So jerking this guy off in a cave here, hilarious. Let's go.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was unaware of how tight it would be. And so they bring us into a huge cave and we zip line down and it's. Everything's fucking wide open. And by the way, I'm seeing like Asian people in inner tubes to the right.

[Ken Marino]

So I'm like, okay, that seems fine.

[Bert Kreischer]

It can't be that bad. Yeah, they go to the right, I go to the left. The guy goes, all right, let's get into the birthing canal now. It was, it was a crawl space.

[Ken Marino]

Nope.

[Bert Kreischer]

Where the water was here.

[Ken Marino]

Nope.

[Bert Kreischer]

And you had to crawl out.

[Ken Marino]

Nope.

[Bert Kreischer]

And as soon as you got to the other side, it was a different world where everything was tight, everything was shimmy. And then this is the worst part, they said it's loud. There's a waterfall. It's loud as shit. And they're like, all right, hold your breath.

[Ken Marino]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then climb up the waterfall. Do not. You'll get to the top. He'll grab you. Let him grab you. And so we go behind the waterfall, right? Take a breath.

[Ken Marino]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Turn around. And as soon as you turn around, the waterfall is now hitting your head. You climb up the waterfall. The guy grabs you. You don't realize what happens. He puts you into a cave where you're sitting, crisscross, applesauce, hunched over. And the waters to here, the tops to here. And you're just going, this isn't what I signed up for.

[Ken Marino]

We went to the salt mines in Germany in the mountains of. Outside of you and Cameron. This is not me and Cameroon.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was me every trip. I just want to.

[Ken Marino]

There are a lot of pictures. There are a lot of trips of Ken Marino.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey, can we pass the wine over here?

[Ken Marino]

So we went to the salt mines.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

And I was like, I don't know if I can do this. We asked her. We had like a van driver. I don't like to drive in Europe ever. It's just not a thing I do. So we had a van driver. And I asked Uber at the van driver. I was like. I was like, how? He's like, so there's a little train, you know, you get on a little train and you duck down and it goes in into the mountain. And I was like, okay. And I'm trying to do the math. And I'm like, I can, can. I can I. I could probably do that, right? And I said, uber, how long is the. It's not long, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

He was driving you. His name was Uber.

[Ken Marino]

His name was. And I said, how long is the drive into the salt mines on the little train? He's like, oh, it's not very long at all. It's not long at all. It's maybe 10 minutes. I was like, 10 fucking minutes. I'm gonna be hunched down in a little ball on a child sized train going into the salt mines, which it turns out is where they hit all the art in World War II.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Ken Marino]

Because they knew it was bomb proof. The salt mines are so old that they knew, like when Hitler stole everybody's art, which is a big part of the. The plot, you know? And he was like, let's put the art. There you go. That's it. There you go. Yeah, they're showing you where that. They're. Okay. Don't go to the website. It shows you a nice big room.

[Bert Kreischer]

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[Ken Marino]

A choo choo train for 10 minutes.

[Bert Kreischer]

I saw that as. Did you have to put on an outfit.

[Ken Marino]

A little pod. You do have to put on an outfit.

[Bert Kreischer]

Once you put on an outfit, that means you're going to be touching stuff. Yeah. That means you're going to be touching stuff.

[Ken Marino]

With a number. It means maybe they need to find a corpse. It's like, why does this have a number? Don't worry about the number. It's no problem. I'm just putting you on a little train with the number. Okay. Well, this has never gone well before in Germany. Never. Literally. This doesn't go well. But here I am and I just paid €80. That's the little train that I was weeping on. That's it. Little train. Me weeping on a little train. Just curled up in a little bowl.

[Bert Kreischer]

There's a. There's a cave in Austin. Will you type in cave in Austin? And I don't even. I'm. I wish I had. I wish I had stolen all the things we did. This is it. And so they said, we're gonna go spelunking in this cave. And I was like, cool. There's. I mean, this is a tourist cave. It's. There's a. There's stairwells and actually, no, there's. Is there a gift? Yeah, it's a gift shop. Handicap accessible. It's huge. It's wild. And then they take me to a manhole cover.

[Ken Marino]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they're like, this is how you get in.

[Ken Marino]

No, it's not.

[Bert Kreischer]

I wouldn't know how to say. There's no.

[Ken Marino]

We're never doing this. We never do that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Manhole entrance.

[Ken Marino]

No. Never. Never.

[Bert Kreischer]

And weird.

[Ken Marino]

Big. I think the, the social medias have figured out that I'm afraid of dying in a cave underwater. So like every fourth story that comes into my feed is like, they made the biggest mistake. They didn't know. What they didn't know is they thought it was air. It was different kinds of water.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

And these motherfuckers took off their masks a mile below the surface. Of that fucking thing.

[Bert Kreischer]

This rappel into this cave. No, they. They lower you on a wench. I think that might be it right there. They lower you into a wench and they tell you. So I was. I'm a bigger guy. So they said for you, you're gonna have to have one arm down, one arm up to fit in. And they go, listen, this is really important. Halfway through you're gonna see a huge room. It's. It's gonna look. It's going to be filled with stalactites. It'll look like Superman's Laird. Now if you're panicking, you're going to think, maybe I'll stop here. Don't. Because if you stop there, we can't get you out.

[Ken Marino]

Cannot get you out.

[Bert Kreischer]

So he says, so what you need.

[Ken Marino]

To do really all the way down.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is you have to keep going. And then they're going to have you at the top, it's going to open up. You'll be at 90ft. You're going to be at the top of the cave and we'll low you down the rest of the way.

[Ken Marino]

I wish right now there was a little part of the screen where you could see my heart rate right now.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was. You know what I thought of the whole time? I swear to God. Now this is. We're of the same age. You're going to remember this. I said, a guy went in upside down to save baby Jessica. Remember baby Jessica?

[Ken Marino]

No, of course I remember baby Jessica. When we were young, kids used to fall down wells all the time. All the time. We had more whales. Our porno was light hearted. Yes, we had light hearted porno.

[Bert Kreischer]

Lit themselves on fire. No one ever lights themselves on fire anymore.

[Ken Marino]

No, we had light hearted porno. A kid in a well that we could be rooting for all the time these days if one of these kids fell in a well, I'd be like, fuck, you know what? That kid was probably an asshole.

[Bert Kreischer]

Why wasn't he on his cell phone?

[Ken Marino]

Then you'd look at the. You'd look up the kids like. But no, that kid's an.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ken Marino]

That well, you know what? Round, round one to the well, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, claustrophobia videos. Claustrophobia. Out of all the phobias. So I got a fear of flying.

[Ken Marino]

What's your other phobias?

[Bert Kreischer]

Flying. Oh, horrible, horrible. I gotta fight in.

[Ken Marino]

What scares you about it?

[Bert Kreischer]

Just that you die right away and you don't have anything to control.

[Ken Marino]

That's the best part about it. The best part about it is that you die right away. The thing about the cave, you will be alive in the cave for a week and no one will know. No one will know. Do you want your death instantaneous?

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Ken Marino]

I'm walking next door, two doors over, right? One more time. I walk down the driveway with, like, the eight white Range Rovers. They said, come back one more time. Hey, bro.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey, bro.

[Ken Marino]

Hey, bro. Hey, bro. What you need, huh? Whoa, whoa. I just walked out of the property like this. Hey, bro. Okay, bro. Okay. No, death instantaneous, absolutely. Like, really? Yeah, the best. You want to linger in some sort of death. Like, airplane. Death is going to be fast.

[Bert Kreischer]

Airplane.

[Ken Marino]

I actually thought that in the past year. What? We're doing the safety video. Like, what. What's the safety video like? Honestly, why? Yeah, we got to do it, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

We should just do a moment of silence.

[Ken Marino]

Just do. Literally just do something.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey, guys.

[Ken Marino]

Hey, guys.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right now it's going to be the state view video. Let's just take a moment of silence.

[Ken Marino]

Because if it happens, there's literally no chance.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, there's no chance.

[Ken Marino]

Like, nothing will. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And if it does, look, it's gonna be chaos. You're not gonna remember what I tell you right now anyway. No, I'm gonna be shitting the bag.

[Ken Marino]

Yeah. In fact, we recently landed one of these upside down in Toronto and y'all just fucking filmed it like nobody did other than film it and make it into a funny goof. So you know what? Fuck it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't want my.

[Ken Marino]

Here's the video.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't want my death to be the all female astronauts. Where the America celebrates the failure. Like, that would be the worst. Who died? Who died where everyone just laughed the.

[Ken Marino]

Last time that happened. I think it's been a minute.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

Where everybody was like, literally laughed.

[Bert Kreischer]

Good. Like, it's. It's so. There's.

[Ken Marino]

I can't remember his name. I'm just. Let's not dig too deep into it, Okay? I feel like I know his name a little bit, but there was a very, very busy Beverly Hills plastic surgeon that my friend was the receptionist for, and he drove off a cliff in Malibu while filming a post. He drove his, like, very fancy. That was it. Goodbye. He is gone. But he was literally being like, come on in for double lips and kisses. We're doing the buns as high as you want. Gone. Dead. The dog lived. No, it's the best story.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you serious?

[Ken Marino]

Yeah, if you don't have faith in anything. The plastic surgeon who is shooting a funny Instagram video in his very high end Car that went off the cliff, dog lived.

[Bert Kreischer]

The guy who created the Segway cliff. That's the funniest cliff.

[Ken Marino]

Oh, that's. That is genuine.

[Bert Kreischer]

That is like.

[Ken Marino]

I mean.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, it's horrible.

[Ken Marino]

Well, what are one of the funniest deaths like, but who died? Some, like, really funny way, like Segway, Segways. I mean, Chef kiss.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, can you create the segue? Nobody run it off a cliff.

[Ken Marino]

The guy who invented the guillotine, I think, was like, the. The third guy who got guillotined. No, I believe very early. I believe maybe that's apocryphal. But I think the guy who got guillotined, the guy who invented the guillotine, very shortly after. Be careful what you invent is what I'm saying.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think.

[Ken Marino]

Did he.

[Bert Kreischer]

He Guillotine himself?

[Ken Marino]

Oh, he did not. No. He lived to 75. Not fucking. This planet sucks.

[Bert Kreischer]

75 and 1800s.

[Ken Marino]

Oh, that's like a thousand right now.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's like a thousand.

[Ken Marino]

That's very, very, very old right now.

[Bert Kreischer]

I always. I always think about like. Like Rob's Pierre, where he guillotined so many people, and then he got guillotined because, like, I go, you know, there had to be a time where he was like, this will never. I mean, this never.

[Ken Marino]

No, I'm fine. I'm killing it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm. Everybody loves me people. How are they going to flip it around? Me. Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

Guillotine. You know, you live for a moment. You know for sure that you do. It's been proven.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, you have to.

[Ken Marino]

Like, the head is still screaming.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

If the blade is warm, especially.

[Bert Kreischer]

You'Re.

[Ken Marino]

Gonna live for a second.

[Bert Kreischer]

Would you rather be hung, shot, guillotined, or beaten by a crowd?

[Ken Marino]

Oh, beaten by a crowd is the scariest one to me by far.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

And that. It happens a lot. Even just sort of trampled. I don't want to be. You know.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God. I've been in those situations where it's claustrophobic.

[Ken Marino]

No. I don't like it.

[Bert Kreischer]

And the crowd's moving you, and your feet aren't touching the ground.

[Ken Marino]

Nope, nope. No, no, no, no, no. Nope, nope. No, no, no, no. My. My beautiful son made me go to something on the south side of Chicago last year called Summer Smash, which is like a hip hop show on the south side of Chicago.

[Bert Kreischer]

Does sound safe.

[Ken Marino]

Everybody has their butts out. It's all. Butts are out again. This is my butthole thing, where I'm like, I don't want to oh, it was the scariest place I've ever been in my entire life. My son got caught into the crowd. I couldn't get. There's also no cell phone service. And then it started hailing because it's Chicago and it's fucking crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

And I couldn't find my son, and I was very upset. I ended up going. I was a bit of a Karen. Yeah, I guess I'm a bit of a Karen in this situation. I just went, like, up to the front of the stage. It's good to be recognizable sometimes. I mean, it really is. There's people assume, especially the way that sometimes I present myself, which is authoritative. I'm like, hey, I need to find my son right now. And they're like, oh, Hi. Oh, hi, Mr. Dang. What's going on? Dangle. Like, do you want to come on the stage? I'm like, yes. Yes. Like, yes. And then some other kid looks, and they're like, is he supposed to be on the stage? I'm like, yes, I am.

[Bert Kreischer]

I've lost my son.

[Ken Marino]

I've lost my son. By the way, everyone lost their son. But I have a mustache and can just get myself in the place to go get him back. So I did. I did get him back. That's. But I don't. I don't like the idea. I don't like the crowd. I don't like crowds at all. And I'm not good at it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tom. Tom mocks me for using my face sometimes to get things like.

[Ken Marino]

Why.

[Bert Kreischer]

He just goes jealous. He. We. I've done it so many times, and Pete seen me do it.

[Ken Marino]

What's the best. What's the best thing you've gotten with your face?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, and this is going to sound so horrible. So horrible.

[Ken Marino]

I can't wait.

[Bert Kreischer]

A hospital bed.

[Ken Marino]

That's horrible. Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I. I learned it was that. I learned that getting recognized was.

[Ken Marino]

Was the bed for you?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, it's for Tom. I said to Tom.

[Ken Marino]

But Tom wasn't famous.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no.

[Ken Marino]

He was pretty famous.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was pretty famous.

[Ken Marino]

But for whatever reason, visually famous. As famous by name and his comedy and then visually famous or. Two very different things.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm more visually famous.

[Ken Marino]

You're visually famous.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so he broke his arm, broke his leg. It was during the height of COVID The height of COVID Oh, yeah. The hospital's packed. No one's getting a bed. And Tom is. His arm is not attached. The bone is broken. It's dangling. His knee is not attached, and he's in so Much pain. And he spent the night out of the hospital.

[Ken Marino]

What are you guys doing?

[Bert Kreischer]

Playing basketball. And so we. I said. Tom goes. They said, it's gonna be a few hours, and what the fuck?

[Ken Marino]

Okay. This is a very weird world that we live in. I just told you that story. And somewhere, someone had took a picture of me there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Looking for your son at summer.

[Ken Marino]

This is the saddest and most upset I've ever been. And I didn't know. Of course. It's documented. I was literally weeping and screaming, and I was like, this guy is cool. While I was looking for my son, I stood up on this little box, and people came up and they said, is this. Are you doing, like, a meet and greet? Is this like. It's like, no, I've lost my son. Oh, so we can't get a picture. And I'm like, of course you can get a picture. I love being famous more than. I'm worried about. My only heir is getting smooshed up against.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's great.

[Ken Marino]

Central C. Oh, Central C was the best at that show. Central C. Big, big ups.

[Bert Kreischer]

My daughters don't like that I'm famous. And we went to a football game. My oldest. Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

Until it's absolute. Until it's awesome.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I pulled up in the car and I said, I'm just gonna park back here in Georgia. Goes, you're gonna need passes. I said, I should be fine. Usually I'm fine. She goes, what do you mean? I said, watch. And I pulled up. I was like, what's up, buddy? And he's like, oh, the machine go, can you just go ahead.

[Ken Marino]

Get out of here. Machine.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, thank you. And George is like, out of here. Where are you gonna park? I go, it doesn't matter.

[Ken Marino]

Leave it running.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah. But with one I did with Tom. We were in the hospital, and they go, it's going to be about three and a half hours.

[Ken Marino]

Genuinely sad.

[Bert Kreischer]

And Tom, his face drops and.

[Ken Marino]

Are you in Los Angeles?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, we're in.

[Ken Marino]

You can't go to the hospital here. It's tough. Oh, yeah. Oh, it's a broken arm.

[Bert Kreischer]

During the height of COVID During the height of COVID The highest Covid ever was. Yeah, the. The. Everyone in the waiting room has Covid. Yeah, everyone does. No one.

[Ken Marino]

And. And they've been shot. It's a perfect storm. Hey, did that covet suck? Well, guess what? Good news. You also have a bullet lodged in your.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's him in the hospital. And so I said to Tom, tom's a good.

[Ken Marino]

I really like Tom. A lot.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. The guy goes, it's gonna take a. About three, three and a half hours.

[Ken Marino]

So that's pretty fast.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I said, really? And the guy goes, it's. It's chaos. The lady's saying, it's chaos.

[Ken Marino]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I look at Tom. I go, I can fix this. I look in the back, and I look for a nurse that looks like he'd like me, right? And I drop my mask. Like, this guy lights up. He goes. And he sees Tom. I go, pull your mask.

[Ken Marino]

Does he do the international symbol for. Are you here with Tom Segura, who broke an arm and a leg?

[Bert Kreischer]

No. No. No one knew what happened. So I go, tom, drop your mask. Tom drops his mask. He goes, oh, shit. Comes over and he goes, hey, I got a bear for you guys right now.

[Ken Marino]

Boom.

[Bert Kreischer]

And we were like, all right. And Tom goes, that you just fucking showed him your face? And I was like, yeah. And so we got him into a bed, and he was like, yeah, there's beds back here, but it's just too chaotic out there.

[Ken Marino]

Have you ever seen that study that they did that there are certain chimpanzees would rather look at a picture of a chimpanzee that they know that has high status than eat food? You're that chimp in this scenario. You are the chimp that people want that the chimps will look at a photo of instead of get a treat, because you are the treat to that weirdo. And I hope you gave him a beautiful, beautiful hand job on the milking table.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I did.

[Ken Marino]

No, no. For sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no.

[Ken Marino]

You get a hospital room milking table, which goes straight down these.

[Bert Kreischer]

All the nurses came back to hang out with us. They were like, this has been chaos. It's. This is. Oh, what happened then? They all sat in our room. It was kind of. I was kind of like. We did a meet and greet for the hospital.

[Ken Marino]

Yeah, of course. You were doing meet.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[Ken Marino]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they're like, yeah, this is fucking nightmare, man. I mean, this is crazy. I've never seen anything like this. And then they're like, what happened to you, Tom Covet? And he goes, I was playing basketball. Broke both. Have you. Have you never seen it?

[Ken Marino]

No. He's fragile, little man. I guess because he's a big guy and he seems strong.

[Bert Kreischer]

You want to show him?

[Ken Marino]

Do I want to see Tom Segura's arm and leg break at the same time?

[Bert Kreischer]

It's pretty crazy.

[Ken Marino]

That's like the character from the Mr. Glass. They call me Mr. Glass from Unbreakable.

[Bert Kreischer]

Kind of thing here.

[Ken Marino]

I don't think I want. I don't know if I want to see this, by the way. It's pretty bad. Tom, great beard. Nope. No. Oh. Oh, my God. Oh. Oh, sorry.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh. Oh.

[Ken Marino]

Oh, my God. You can feel it. It's. It's broke right there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah. You know, he broke it. Arm right here in half.

[Ken Marino]

No, not here.

[Bert Kreischer]

In here. Right here in the humorous.

[Ken Marino]

Jesus Christ.

[Bert Kreischer]

Ironically, that is. It was not as funny as a humorous break would be.

[Ken Marino]

Oh, my God. Oh, you can feel he's screaming. He's scream. Oh, Jesus Christ. No, sorry.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know why I just unwound it for him.

[Ken Marino]

Sorry. We just need.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love the people that go. You. They're like. They're like, bert, you should never move that arm. I was like, yeah, okay, You. You be in that situation. Like, be in that situation where your friend's arms bent backwards.

[Ken Marino]

Keep it bent backwards and just.

[Bert Kreischer]

And go. We'll leave it there for the next 30 minutes.

[Ken Marino]

That's the whole point is, like, with the broken bone, you gotta set it back. Like, the only time I've broken this one a couple of times, and you have to push it back into place. That's all the worth. Like. Yeah, orthopedics are mostly.

[Bert Kreischer]

I had a lot of doctors tell me I did the right thing. And then a couple. You know, a couple. Because Tom's had nerve damage, and they go, well, then Bert caused it. I go, no, no. I think it was his falling and breaking his arm in half that might have caused it.

[Ken Marino]

I mean, I love the guy, but this. That's one of the lamest things I've seen a person do, honestly, ever. Yeah, it was spectacularly terrible.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was crazy to be a part.

[Ken Marino]

He's also going real slow. Like, is that in slow motion or is that. He moves that slow.

[Bert Kreischer]

He was so fat then.

[Ken Marino]

Oh, he's already out. He's already down.

[Bert Kreischer]

His. His.

[Ken Marino]

His center of gravity went.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no. This knee exploded.

[Ken Marino]

Oh, the.

[Bert Kreischer]

The knee exploded. Oh, the whole knee exploded. And then he tries to love this with the arm, and the arm snaps and go. Breaks in half. Yeah. It's crazy. This. That fell. That fall changed his life entirely. If anyone's looking for a pivot moment in Tom Screw's life, it's this moment.

[Ken Marino]

Has anybody said. I know he broke his old body and it looks like he almost died, but does anybody mentioned that he doesn't. He should have dribbled at least one time because he's also traveling.

[Bert Kreischer]

Traveling.

[Ken Marino]

He's 100. Like, I just. I'm not. I don't want to be a dick. Look.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[Ken Marino]

You broke your whole body.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

And you travel.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's crazy. Because of this. He got into. Because Leanne, that night, we go back to his house and pushes. Is a comfort trauma person. Like, if bad stuff happened, Push wants to make you feel comfortable.

[Ken Marino]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

She's not going to be like. Like, Leanne's brutal. But his wife Christine is like comfort. She made Tom biscuits with Nutella.

[Ken Marino]

Oh.

[Bert Kreischer]

And she goes, his will make you feel better. And Leanne saw he couldn't use his arm, he couldn't use his leg, and he's eating Nutella out of the jar. She's like, you're about to get fat As. I think Tom's girl heard that and was like, I will not get fat as. And his weight.

[Ken Marino]

That's when he started that day.

[Bert Kreischer]

Started that day. And ever since then, every day I saw him, he always looked better.

[Ken Marino]

That's good, because it looks like at that point in his life, a bird could have killed Tom.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

And I'm not talking about a raptor or a scary bird. I'm talking about any regular bird. And if a bird got in the venue, Tom's dead.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, he is. I mean, he was that Tom. Yeah. That Tom traveled with hot sauce in his pocket. It's my favorite thing. He always had hot sauce on him. He always had hot sauce on him. He does. Yeah. Hot sauce. He was a different Tom. Lunatic.

[Ken Marino]

Yeah. I like eating like a lunatic. Oh, God. This whole thing is. And then you made. You made some money off it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Good.

[Ken Marino]

You got him there and he's crying. He's on it. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

What is it?

[Ken Marino]

You know, right after I met you, the first time I met you. First time we met was Pink Palace. We had an idea. We were talking about last time, which I like, which is that we open a retirement home that just is the Pink Palace. Corfu. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's where Leanne got. Leanne's been talking about retirement homes non stop.

[Ken Marino]

But we. So we do one where you get. Every day you get there, they give you a little bit of molly. And, like, there's a. There's like a pool that's kind of gross.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

And just like. And then you live as long as you're gonna live. Like, how long would we live at the Pink Palace? Ten days. That, you know. You know, it's not like, you know, there's those Swiss machines where you go and you get in and it executes you. You've seen these little pods you get in in Switzerland.

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Ken Marino]

You have not seen the Swiss pods where you can get in and go, go, go away. No, it exists. It's a totally real thing. Absolutely. Or someone who could put you in it, I guess. But yeah. Swiss Podcast. Swiss Suicide Pod. There you go.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, how do you die?

[Ken Marino]

They look pretty sharp.

[Bert Kreischer]

Looks like. It looks like a blue origin.

[Ken Marino]

It looks a lot. It looks exactly like the blue origin. I mean, if you have the outfit on, that's it. The Swiss Suicide Pod, which, by the way, best band name really ever.

[Bert Kreischer]

Swiss Suicide Podcast.

[Ken Marino]

Wait, how does it kill Capsule? It just fucking nags you to death. It just.

[Bert Kreischer]

It just doesn't open. It just doesn't open.

[Ken Marino]

It's just frustrating until you are like, look, I wanted to kill myself. God, it looks sharp, doesn't it?

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, I.

[Ken Marino]

Putting some money. We throw some money at this.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't think it. That. I don't think the exterior design needs to be as high.

[Ken Marino]

It's sharp, it's good looking. It looks great.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

Which is a little bit of a bummer because every time you re. The second time you use it, there's been a dead person in it. So there's automatically been a dead person. If it works.

[Bert Kreischer]

If it's a good one. It smells like death.

[Ken Marino]

Jesus. It's. I mean, it's like. It's dumb, but it's flooded with nitrogen.

[Bert Kreischer]

Reducing the oxygen levels rapidly.

[Ken Marino]

It's like doing Whippets. It Whippets you to death.

[Bert Kreischer]

They die in 10 minutes.

[Ken Marino]

10 minutes.

[Bert Kreischer]

I could die faster. This does sound a lot like Blue Origins.

[Ken Marino]

And it also sounds like Whippets. And you could die from Whippets, probably fairly fast.

[Bert Kreischer]

Why wouldn't they fill it with Whippets? And they do.

[Ken Marino]

Yeah. Well, nitrous.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, nitrogen and nitrous oxide are two different things.

[Ken Marino]

Are they?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know.

[Ken Marino]

Again, I'm not. Not a doctor.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, I definitely would look into it before I got into the suicide pod.

[Ken Marino]

You could always.

[Bert Kreischer]

This isn't as fun as I thought it was going to be.

[Ken Marino]

The way I'm looking, looking at this, it seems like you could get in the McLaren F1 and do whippets. Same experience.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

Say identical experience.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think they haven't. I think they haven't thought through enough things. Like, I like what you like. A finite retirement home where you go. Where you go, hey, we're coming in. But you're not going to live forever.

[Ken Marino]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

So let's dump all your money into it and let's Blow it out and we'll time it out where your money runs out and you die that day.

[Ken Marino]

That day and you.

[Bert Kreischer]

And by the way, we're never on.

[Ken Marino]

A little bit of Molly. And it was weird. You put on a fur swimsuit just like Pink Palace. Oh, you got.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know what I want?

[Ken Marino]

You got the music of Ace of Bass blasting. And just like.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, I. I never liked people that didn't like Ace of Bass. Like, the people that was on the songs.

[Ken Marino]

Those songs. Slap, they Slap and the Girls are Hot. The Ace of Bass. We talked a lot of. About you. No, we didn't. I didn't talk about AC no, but.

[Bert Kreischer]

I watched those Tridels talk about Ace of Bass. I was like, it. Song's good.

[Ken Marino]

Keep talking. Keep talking.

[Bert Kreischer]

I want. Here's what I really want. You ready? I want a.

[Ken Marino]

Fine.

[Bert Kreischer]

I want a blow it out rehab, right? So for people that are sober that just want to run at it one more time, they give you like a solid week of just getting loose, and then they cut you off. You go into rehab for three, 30 days.

[Ken Marino]

That's the way it often works, though.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

Everybody I know.

[Bert Kreischer]

I guess people just aren't paying.

[Ken Marino]

Everybody I know that went to rehab. That's verbatim. What happened. They blew it out for a week, and then they thought the trees were FBI agents outside the house. And they're like, I think this is probably rehab done. I'm gonna cut this off sharp right now.

[Bert Kreischer]

I wish they did Rehab light where it was like sativas and. And white wine.

[Ken Marino]

Yeah. You know, it's not. You dip your toe.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Yeah. We're not getting fucking. No, no.

[Ken Marino]

We're not going crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. We're gonna teach you my social stuff.

[Ken Marino]

Casual social stuff.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Like. And, you know, you play with a horse or whatever, you know, like shoe it. Something that they do in those sparkling wine.

[Ken Marino]

And you get to hang around with a horse. That's a pretty good life, actually, by the way.

[Bert Kreischer]

They got to. They got a rehab because I got to get a surgery. And I was looking at, like. Because my biggest thing is not booze, but food. If I get a surgery, I'm going to balloon up because I can't work if I can't work out. This is what I look like, working out every single day.

[Ken Marino]

You look good, by the way, right now. You look really good.

[Bert Kreischer]

Thank you.

[Ken Marino]

I mean, I know you look good. That's why I didn't mention. Because you're tan and you. Yeah, I know it being working. You're doing Your thing.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, but I want. I want to go. There's one that's in Malibu that you can.

[Ken Marino]

Promises you can part.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, you can party at it. You can party at it. But it's like they monitor your food intake. Like they monitor. They have chefs, you prepare.

[Ken Marino]

Oh, this is a physical rehab.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's like a physical rehab. You can party, you can take edibles, you can do whatever you want. I don't know if they bring edibles.

[Ken Marino]

But I would say if it's said something, something rehab. And then in the slogan somewhere it said bring edibles, I'd be like, this feels a little sketch.

[Bert Kreischer]

I looked at.

[Ken Marino]

Yeah, you know what? Bring edibles.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think I read what I. There's no way they're saying that. I read what I was saying.

[Ken Marino]

We always see what we want to see. I was like the guy who invented the guillotine. Dead by a guillotine. It's funny because the place I'm going to get fixed, they said, please bring edibles, Please. Oh, no. I. So I like. Here's our idea. It is based on one of the grossest party places in the world.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[Ken Marino]

That we love.

[Bert Kreischer]

Pull it up. The Pink Palace, Corfu, Greece.

[Ken Marino]

Pink Palace, Corfu. The first place we met. I don't technically remember because the next day, you know, I laid down at Vespa at 55 miles an hour.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

I slept on the beach that night.

[Bert Kreischer]

God.

[Ken Marino]

And sleep.

[Bert Kreischer]

You weren't married?

[Ken Marino]

No, no. Single guy. Single guy. Look at single guy. Which is a big part of the problem. Oh, I had an idea. We were joking. I was joking about this with Ken Marino, thinking, is this a fun game show where you would host it? Because we met you at the Pink palace and we have to, as 55 year old men, recreate every day of our 20 day trip to the Greek islands that we did in 1990. What is this?

[Bert Kreischer]

3, 2, 3, 4. 1990.

[Ken Marino]

3. 4. So we have to do everything. We did. So like your day starts with like box of Uzo in the sun.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

And then a pack a Marlboro Lights and then you gotta like eat a hot dog off the ground. Like everything's just like you have. And the challenge is just to see if you live. The answer is we would not.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love this.

[Ken Marino]

There's no way we'd live Pink Palace. I don't remember. It was not that nice to my recollection. But our. Our retirement version will be.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is.

[Ken Marino]

I wouldn't be fun to be retired there.

[Bert Kreischer]

I can't remember the pool Being that.

[Ken Marino]

Clean when nobody goes by the pool because it's also on a beach that they're not showing in that. Oh, dear. That was kind of more. Yeah, yeah. Pink Palace.

[Bert Kreischer]

I. I got jealous of. Of Dutch guys there.

[Ken Marino]

Dutch guys run cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dutch guys are so.

[Ken Marino]

They run cool. Their English is perfect.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

No, they're already like.

[Bert Kreischer]

They sound sensitive when they talk.

[Ken Marino]

Yeah. Oh. And then they drift into English and it's perfect. And they're just sort of Dutch and cool. Yeah. They're used to getting places on bicycle, you know.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh.

[Ken Marino]

Used to getting places by bicycle, you know, that's.

[Bert Kreischer]

I always say I'm bummed that I'll never have that experience to live in the Netherlands and, like, ride my bike through the city. And my girlfriend's tall and she has, like, blonde hair and a scarf.

[Ken Marino]

You have that kind of money? You could do that.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know.

[Ken Marino]

You can cosplay that for, like, a week.

[Bert Kreischer]

If you had to pick a second wife right now, what would you go for? Just nationality.

[Ken Marino]

Secret family.

[Bert Kreischer]

Secret family.

[Ken Marino]

I get to have a secret family right now?

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, hold on now. If we're going secret family, I'm going Asian communication.

[Ken Marino]

India.

[Bert Kreischer]

Out of this country.

[Ken Marino]

I'm doing completely palette change.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah. I'm going Indian. I'm going. And low cast. Good looking doesn't realize her worth. Flutter with cash.

[Ken Marino]

Oh, my gosh.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know how much you could look so rich if you just come in, you're like, yeah, I got a pizza.

[Ken Marino]

What can I say that we're almost exactly describing the movie called the man who would be King.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God, look at how hot Indian women.

[Ken Marino]

No, no, no. It's.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is typing the man who would be King.

[Ken Marino]

I don't think this is a secret. It also stars speaking of a guy who married a very beautiful Indian woman, Michael Kane. His wife, Shakira Cain is in the picture, and you'll see her in some of the photos. Probably like, one of the most legendary supermodels. Yeah. That's Maki Kane's wife. She. So Amanda would be king. Kids, put this. This. This is a movie, but it's kind of what we just described. It's these two weird weirdos, and they decide to go over the mountains into this tote. This, like, find these people that have never really met. There's this tribe over the mountains who's never really met anybody.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

And they're like, we'll go and convince them that we're gods. And it's a little bit like what we're talking about, right Now.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

The weird thing is we have more resources to really do this.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, I kind of think I'm, like, misusing my money if I know you are.

[Ken Marino]

I've looked around your house. You are misusing your money.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm just trying to.

[Ken Marino]

Instead of going to Southeast Asia to. To India and proclaiming yourself a God, which I think is a very solid plan, and I can't find any holes in. Doesn't work for them for a bunch of reasons I. We won't get into. But they get their clothes. They're really close.

[Bert Kreischer]

For real.

[Ken Marino]

This movie fucking is unbelievable.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is this a comedy?

[Ken Marino]

No, but it's very funny.

[Bert Kreischer]

The Man.

[Ken Marino]

The man who Would Be King. Based on, I believe, an old Rudyard Kipling. Please don't. Don't. Don't drag me. If I'm wrong that it's your old Rudyard Kipling story. Michael Caine. Amazing. Sean Connery.

[Bert Kreischer]

Michael Kane is Sean Connery.

[Ken Marino]

This is one of these movies with mutton chops. And look at this. Oh, that's when, like, movies were, like, a thing. Now people are making movie. Like, hey, do you want to come? Where are you shooting? Like, oh, it's. Bring a sandwich. I'm like, what? Bring your own sandwich. Do you have an outfit you could wear to be in the movie? I don't want to fucking bring an outfit to be in the movie.

[Bert Kreischer]

God.

[Ken Marino]

Used to be like, movies like this, that would take a year.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

You go to India and.

[Bert Kreischer]

Did you ever shoot a movie on film? Film?

[Ken Marino]

Well, of course. Yeah, sure. I'm into Christopher Nolan movies.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, which ones?

[Ken Marino]

Memento and the Dark Knight Rises. Wait, both on film.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hang on.

[Ken Marino]

Of course.

[Bert Kreischer]

Let's talk about Memento. The best movie ever made. Ever made. Ever made.

[Ken Marino]

Ever.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right. That movie.

[Ken Marino]

I love that you forgot that I'm in it, which is sort of.

[Bert Kreischer]

I can't remember who you are until. Oh, there you go. Look at you. Wait, who did you play in this?

[Ken Marino]

I'm a character called Doctor who has no Name. There you go. There's me and Memento.

[Bert Kreischer]

How do you look so different?

[Ken Marino]

I'm a real boy. I was a boy that is 98 or 99 or something like that. But that's the joke. The joke is in Dark Knight Rises, when I turn around and I'm Bruce Wayne's doctor, the joke is, oh, isn't that the same doctor from who's testing Sammy and Memento? That is the joke. Christopher Nolan, very funny person.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Ken Marino]

Absolutely. You know, totally funny. He's never met a lot of Times never met him. You won't get lovelier and funnier and always on film, always shooting.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Ken Marino]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's. I'll tell you what. Memento, one of my favorite movies, it's Crazy Tenant. I, I'm, I'm. I think I'm the perfect intelligence for the people that make movies. Like, I think if you're smarter than me, you already get the ending before it. And if you're dumber than me, you can never get the ending. I'm the perfect. Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

Right in the middle.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm right in the middle. I'm like the perfect window.

[Ken Marino]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

For making a movie. Or go now is when they'll figure out he's dead. And you're like, oh, shut up. Like Memento. I've watched that over and over and over again just trying to figure it out. Oh, yeah.

[Ken Marino]

Apparently, as told me by the script supervisor, who's an amazing script supervisor. You worked on Reno911 a lot too. Same prop guy. Although we have a lot of the. Oddly, Reno911 weirdly shares a lot of the Christopher Nolan team. You can't tell from Reno911 necessarily, but like all the people who do, like Guillaume Deloche and Steve Gerke, all these guys who work for Nolan also come and our show and you know, so Memento, what I'm told is, is a movie that starts in the middle and goes that way. I'm like, oh, right. I didn't really know that either because I'm in it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm like, yeah, starts in the middle and goes that way somehow. I don't know what is the, the, the. Okay. In Memento, he. Oh, I'm dying to know if there are people that have never seen Memento because it was kind of like a low key hit.

[Ken Marino]

Low key, but. And quick shout out his movie before that, which is called Following. Amazing. Also what's Following? Following is the. Christopher Nolan's, to my knowledge, his first full length film really, called following. And it's wonderful.

[Bert Kreischer]

What's it, what's the main message? Well, no, in the movie, he has no memory.

[Ken Marino]

He has no, like short term memory. No, he has no memory. Memory every day is new to him, basically. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And he.

[Ken Marino]

It's like Groundhog. It's like. No, it's like 50 first dates, but.

[Bert Kreischer]

And everyone's kind of using him in a way.

[Ken Marino]

Yeah. So he. Oh, he writes stuff on his body and it's Guy Pierce and he looks cool and.

[Bert Kreischer]

And what's his name? Joey Pants is in it.

[Ken Marino]

Oh, yeah. Joe yeah, he's the. I'm not going to say too much about it, but he's a character in it that's of interest.

[Bert Kreischer]

Carrie Anne Moss is so character of interest. Beautiful.

[Ken Marino]

Yeah. Stephen Tobulowski, I got a lot of scenes with him.

[Bert Kreischer]

Stephen Tobalowski I ran into.

[Ken Marino]

He's a good crossover between Groundhog Day and Memento. Speaking of, because he's in both. He's Sammy in Groundhog Day. And he's also the guy that goes up, goes. Phil. Phil Connors.

[Bert Kreischer]

God, what a great movie.

[Ken Marino]

You could intercut those two movies. It'd be really fun, guys. You keep going to Sammy and then you go to him and he keeps meeting Bill Murray. Phil. Phil Connor. And he's back in the chair with me being like, why didn't kill all these people?

[Bert Kreischer]

What is it about those movies that I love so much? Like a movie like Groundhog's Day or Memento or even anything time travel, anything. Like in the, like, Tenant where you can watch it back and forth.

[Ken Marino]

It's a thrill. I mean, it's such a thrill to see, like, now that you know how this plays out, what do you change? You know, that is a little bit of a. You know, it's definitely like a wish fulfillment of, like, what will you do differently now that you know? Exactly that. The way it unfolds in Groundhog Day is so magnificent because at first you just around and he's mad, and then he gets really great at the piano and then he finds out what to say to Andy McDowell. Like, yeah, he just fucks around at first, and then it keeps getting better. Figures, you know, which was definitely fun. There's. There's a dreamy young guy, Pierce there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

Momento's tight, but do check out. I see you got the tour bus parked outside. You're gonna be on the. You're on the road in a little bit.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

Throw up. Or you could even do as a double feature, throw up. Memento. But then throw up. Following.

[Bert Kreischer]

Type in following.

[Ken Marino]

Following Christopher Nolan. It's just the word following. Boom. I don't know if it's legally his second picture or his first picture, but it's.

[Bert Kreischer]

What's the premise? See, this is. I think that. So. Okay. Soft pitch. Okay. This is an app. I think me and you should design.

[Ken Marino]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. Me and you.

[Ken Marino]

Yep.

[Bert Kreischer]

We get along pretty well.

[Ken Marino]

We do.

[Bert Kreischer]

We're very different, but we're very similar.

[Ken Marino]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

If you're smarter than I am.

[Ken Marino]

I'm not sure that's true.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, no, you are. You're smarter. You can do homework. You can do. Like, you're really good at being a grown up.

[Ken Marino]

But there's some real questions we could dig into later.

[Bert Kreischer]

There should be an app, right? Not like Grindr or. Or what's Tinder? There should be an app where you can make new friends that are.

[Ken Marino]

That are adults. That are adults and don't jerk you off. Don't jerk you off through a milking table.

[Bert Kreischer]

But you go like. You type in your.

[Ken Marino]

But like. Yeah, it's not.

[Bert Kreischer]

Not.

[Ken Marino]

It's. We're not putting it up first. It's not the first thing.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's the first thing that's gonna happen. Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

We might go see a movie for. Or some other stuff.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because like even talking to you when you go, oh, have you seen the following? Have you seen the man that will be like, you know so much more stuff than I do. And I go like, oh, this is gonna be fun to get to know you for real. So I can text you and go, hey. But we also don't read books. So, like, we're on the same page.

[Ken Marino]

Can't read books. I've got. I got. I've written three novels and one screenwriting book. Screenwriting book made the bestseller list. My first novel made the bestseller list. I don't read books at all.

[Bert Kreischer]

If someone was getting into Hollywood right now, would you tell them? Just don't.

[Ken Marino]

I'd say, I hope you have an amazing Tick Tock. I hope you have a lot of followers on Tick Tock.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

And I hope you're doing really funny, great stuff.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

And also there isn't really Hollywood. So congrats. But I mean, I mean, welcome.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you get. I get really upset with. I'm a rider die. Los Angeles. Like, I'm. This is my city. I live here. I raise my kids here.

[Ken Marino]

It'd be great if we filmed here. Yeah. Yeah, it would be great.

[Bert Kreischer]

How's this going to change? Was it. Yeah. Oh, I would love to go. I would love to do a memento tour.

[Ken Marino]

Reno911 Miami was filmed on like two blocks behind your house here. The end. Where we're driving around the old folks home.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

The golf cart chase.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

Is all at this fascinating little retirement community. Have you not been over there?

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Ken Marino]

It's curious. There is like a retirement community. If you go to the golf cart chase at the end. It was filmed basically on this block. On the other side of this block, there is a real. That's it. It'll come up. There's a real, real interesting little Retirement community. It's still there. And it's called, like, boner or something. Weird.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is it?

[Ken Marino]

Yes. Is it on?

[Bert Kreischer]

I know exactly what you're talking about. I know exactly what you're talking about.

[Ken Marino]

That weird little place. Yeah, that's where we shot the end of the Reno.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you serious?

[Ken Marino]

100%.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude. That place looks so.

[Ken Marino]

This is a long sequence, but if you fast forward. Oh, my God. You have the entire movie up on YouTube. Oh, that does happen. We made the movie Hell, Baby, and the day before it came out, it was on YouTube. I'm like, really? Oh, how'd that. It just. People just put it up. I got in a big fight with a guy once. I got a big fight with a guy. You know, I like confrontations.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

So night at Museum 2 had just come out, which me and we wrote, and a guy. This is when. Are you on Facebook? Yeah, yeah, I used to be on Facebook, and I used to take everybody. Because it was just like a thing of like, fuck it, let's all hop in. The water's fine.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

Maybe we'll all get on the milking table. I don't know. So I was on Facebook, and it was just all well and good. My wife was eight and a half months pregnant and sitting around one night, and she's going to bed. She's eight and a half months pregnant. And I'm like, I'm just gonna stay up and check Facebook. One second. What's going on on Facebook? And I get a note from a dude who's like, hey, just saw A Night at the Museum 2 here in Cambodia on a DVD. Didn't love it. I had a lot of thoughts about how you could have made the movie better. And I'm like. And then I go, go back to the red one. Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug. I'm like, motherfucker, you're telling me you just want. You watched a bootleg copy of a movie that I wrote and then felt like you needed to reach out to me to tell me that you didn't like it and how it could have been better if I'd thought about it harder and worked on it more. I was like, motherfucker, the movie came out in America today. Yesterday. You're watching a DVD in Cambodia now that's fucking. You just fucking pirated a movie and you're shitting on me about it. I was like, fuck you. And I write. I wear a long, like, Jerry Maguire. Like, angry. I'm like, like, you have Taken my time, like, as an artist. I don't care what the fucking money goes to Fox anyway. But I was like, but time. I spent time and you've stolen my time. Dang fucking sense. And I get a note and then like couple minutes pass where I'm glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, still not going to bed. Now it's midnight. Or one ish ding. I get a note back. Well, fuck you too. Like, I get the furious note back of like, boo hoo, I'm gonna go cry to Darth Vader. Why don't you tell Darth Vader and Fox to come fucking get your royalties back for me, you bitch. It was so angry. And then I write back again because I'm doing this Facebook, oh, now we're doing oh, guy in Cambodia who did not like Night at the Museum too. Let me tell you about the life of a writer. And I write like another. I write Finnegan's Wake back again about the. The struggle. Finish the bottle of mine, slap it closed. I'm like, facebook, man. And I go up to bed. It's now about three now that I've written so many mission statements to a random dude in Cambodia. My head hits the pillow and I'm so lit from red wine, my face is burning up. And Jenny puts her arm on me and says, my water just broke. I was like, wait, wait, what? She's like, my water just broke. We're having a baby right now. I was like, I've been in a fight with a guy on Facebook for six hours about how he didn't like Night of the Museum 2, which, I'll be honest, has some. You know, there's some stuff like, like some of his notes were kind of valid. Some of his notes were valid. And I'm like. I'm like, oh, man. Okay, you got this. You definitely have the spins. You're about literally about to have a baby. She ended up going into labor for a real long time. So there was like a whole day passed. But, but stay out of the comments, guys. You don't need to go check on how people on Facebook feel about stuff. Don't check.

[Bert Kreischer]

I do not think that will never.

[Ken Marino]

It leads to nothing.

[Bert Kreischer]

I do like that as a, as a. Either a game show or a podcast of just someone that knows nothing about making movies.

[Ken Marino]

Just telling you just everything.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's called I've got notes but just bring out.

[Ken Marino]

Everybody does.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're like, bill is a truck driver. His favorite movie is what kind of truck Like a truck. Truck. No.

[Ken Marino]

No. Yeah, but no semi. Yeah, let's not do that. Let's do it. Like. Like he's a car driver.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's an Uber driver.

[Ken Marino]

No, I don't like that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, what?

[Ken Marino]

Everybody just ruins. You ruin everything before you even play it out.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's so easy to go. Like, I remember I on a movie. I on a movie one time. I don't forget what movie?

[Ken Marino]

Just for fun. Was I in it?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no.

[Ken Marino]

I'm in a lot.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know. I know what movie? Like, I'll tell you.

[Ken Marino]

Pretty bad movies.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'll tell you what movie I bought bothered me was. And I kind of just casually on it, and it was Ferrari.

[Ken Marino]

I actually didn't see it, but I did see House of Gucci. The House of Gucci. I got so many. We could talk for hours. I loved everything about the House of Gucci. I love it so much.

[Bert Kreischer]

So House of Gucci.

[Ken Marino]

Does he love it too? This is.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is the reason I stopped shitting.

[Ken Marino]

On movies, because Tom loves House of Gucci. He's also right.

[Bert Kreischer]

He hated House of Gucci, but he's wrong. Okay, hold on. We're calling Tommy terrible. It's the worst movie. He said it's the worst movie he's ever seen.

[Ken Marino]

You could see Adam Driver look at the camera and be like, they gave me $25 million. I'm not gonna not eat out Lady Gaga for $25 million. Come to Italy and eat out Lady Gaga. What part of me doing this movie did you not get? And then on the days off when I'm not eating Lady Gaga right in my face. I'm going to dinner with Al Pacino. This is a good movie.

[Bert Kreischer]

He. He's so livid about House of Gucci.

[Ken Marino]

It. It's a. It is a thing, really. It's worth having to watch it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I gotta watch it.

[Ken Marino]

Throw it up in the bus.

[Bert Kreischer]

I gotta watch it. I bet I end up liking it.

[Ken Marino]

I think you're gonna like it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think I'm gonna love it.

[Ken Marino]

Every once in a while, Adam Driver act. I feel like, you know, Clint Eastwood in the smoking. The Bandit used to, like, look at the camera and be like, I love that. I'm the Bandit.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

Well, the bandits in it again. Adam Driver a couple times in House of Gucci kind of goes like, oh. He's basically, like, saying like, I know, I know, I know. Is this per. Is this movie perfect? Oh, was I just eating out Lady Gaga a second ago? Yes. Am I obviously getting paid full freight to be like, goofing around in the Italian Alps. Yes. Full freight.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tom was livid about this movie. And I just made a movie, and I realized how much work goes into a movie.

[Ken Marino]

And then I was like, movies are impossible.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's impossible. And then I was like, well, I'm not gonna on movies anymore because I don't. I go, I can't. I can't forget which one with the last one. The last one I gave comments about was Ferrari because the Enzo Ferraris.

[Ken Marino]

Oh, no. I saw Ferrari. This is how terrible I am. I saw Ferrari.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. Yeah, but his wife didn't look like his wife.

[Ken Marino]

Nobody does.

[Bert Kreischer]

Didn't look like that. So I had a hard time connecting why he'd ever cheat on. What was her name? That's Sophia.

[Ken Marino]

Penelope.

[Bert Kreischer]

Penelope Cruz. Why would he ever cheat on Penelope Cruz? Especially with the other chick where I didn't think it was that hot.

[Ken Marino]

Trying to remember who the other chick is. She's more off the beaten path.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

I mean, it does fall into the expression of that's what she looked like.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then that's what they have her. As I go, no, I get why you cheat on her. Come on.

[Ken Marino]

Know the difference was that much.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was.

[Ken Marino]

That's pretty pronounced.

[Bert Kreischer]

But that's. That's my problem. That's my problem with representation in movies is they go, they can't cast Scarlett Johansson as a trans female, but they can cast her as.

[Ken Marino]

Everybody gets hotter in movies. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

I don't know if you saw the Dylan picture recently, but my.

[Bert Kreischer]

My daughter loved it.

[Ken Marino]

No, it was amazing.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Ken Marino]

Yeah. Two things. Dylan doesn't look like that.

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Ken Marino]

And Joan Baez did not look like that. I was like. To my son, I'm like, there was. We were never dreaming. Like, hey, please show Joan Baez in her little cotton underwear walking around the kitchen. Please, please, please, please, please, please, please. No, that was never something we were dreaming about back in the day. No. She's one of the most beautiful women in, like, the history of the world. But of course, if you have Timothee Chalamet, you can't just like.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ken Marino]

You can't have a normie.

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Ken Marino]

You can't have normal people. They'll look weird next to each other. See, there's the normal. No. Yeah. Nope.

[Bert Kreischer]

To play Joan Baez. Jesus.

[Ken Marino]

Joan Baez has got to be psyched. Right? You got to be like, what? Neat.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow.

[Ken Marino]

People. Everybody perceives me like this.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's what you saw. My self esteem's in the gutter.

[Ken Marino]

Holy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is that real Bob Dylan?

[Ken Marino]

That's Real Bob Dylan and real John. Right. God bless them. They've given us so much. What a gift they've been to all of us and everything they do. But I'm not dreaming about them in their underwear, you know?

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Ken Marino]

And you cut to Timmy and her, and I'm like, hey, let's get all these guys trotting out. Let's see Tim running around there and, like, what's he doing?

[Bert Kreischer]

And what was the movie they on at the Oscars a bunch? They were like this. Like. That was their joke movie that they were on this year. They always on Ben Affleck movies, and I love that dude.

[Ken Marino]

What? Oh, Air. Was. Did you see Air?

[Bert Kreischer]

I didn't see Air, but standing on the bus tonight.

[Ken Marino]

Put it on the bus.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

Ben Affleck's Air. Five out of five stars. Literally no one saw it.

[Bert Kreischer]

He always delivers for me.

[Ken Marino]

It's great. Incredible. And he's amazing in it and very funny.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's.

[Ken Marino]

He plays the. The Nike dude, and he's bonkers, and it's awesome. Chef Kiss.

[Bert Kreischer]

Chef Kiss.

[Ken Marino]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Him in the town.

[Ken Marino]

Town's great.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

Yeah, he's great.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's. What. What's the movie?

[Ken Marino]

What was the movie everybody was.

[Bert Kreischer]

And what was the movie everyone was on at the Oscars? It's gotta be it.

[Ken Marino]

Well, not. It was not Amelia Perez, which was the big. The crazy one.

[Bert Kreischer]

I didn't watch any of the movies.

[Ken Marino]

I believe that about you. I know that you didn't watch any of the Oscar movies because it's a little bit like reading.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's definitely a little bit like you got, like, reading.

[Ken Marino]

It's a lot like reading, especially the ones in Spanish. It's literally. I've heard your Spanish, and it's not good enough to understand Amelia Perez. Beginning to end. It wasn't that. It was not Conclave, which was actually excellent. Rest in power.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's crazy that it's happening right now.

[Ken Marino]

That's actually a great picture. Did you watch.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's about the Pope?

[Ken Marino]

Yeah, but it's way better than you think. It's like a sort of a. It's almost like a murder mystery dinner. I swear. Really should have pitched it as murder mystery Pope dinner.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think the branding of these. You could dummy down the branding if you just made. Okay. Make sure to do that. Yeah. For real.

[Ken Marino]

We used to do that. Yeah. There used to be trailers that were, like, made movies seem like more fun.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Make a Kramer versus Kramer. Yeah. It's like, make a Conclave trailer that's meant for Frat houses. Yeah. We were like, do you like. Do you like dudes in white?

[Ken Marino]

Dude, they're going to burn out. The white smoke will only come out.

[Bert Kreischer]

When what, you thought the Klan was bad and white?

[Ken Marino]

Check out these motherfuckers.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm still here. All these bros. Substance was.

[Ken Marino]

Oh, I like the substance. That was a Wicked.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wicked. Everyone trashed Wicked. But I think they tried.

[Ken Marino]

That was just because their press tour was nuts.

[Bert Kreischer]

The pressure was a lot of hand.

[Ken Marino]

Holding and there was. They all were saying that everybody was holding space for something which I don't know what that means. I still don't know what it means. Holding space for stuff.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know.

[Ken Marino]

I mean all I can think of is I really don't know what it means. But it started to get said. It started to get said a lot.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

During that. And actually loved the movie. It's way, way, way, way, way too long. But it's a lovable movie.

[Bert Kreischer]

I fell asleep in it.

[Ken Marino]

It's way, way, way, way, way too long.

[Bert Kreischer]

I went with my daughters, my wife. I got high and I passed out.

[Ken Marino]

Well, yeah, you're in a nice air conditioned theater.

[Bert Kreischer]

Snored.

[Ken Marino]

I could see that loud. Oh, that is such a meme. You snoring during Wicked. I hate to say it. It's a perfect meme. It's just like the screen of. As someone told me lately.

[Bert Kreischer]

What about the press tour for Snow White?

[Ken Marino]

Magnificent. It is fun to get to see. This would be a sort of a funny TV show because there was at one point. Did you see Death on the Nile?

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, you like the original and the other one?

[Ken Marino]

No, the more recent one.

[Bert Kreischer]

I've watched all of them. I'm a big Agatha Christie.

[Ken Marino]

Of course because we. God damn. We have a weird amount of overlap. So the fun part of Death on the Nile.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

Is that by the time they shot the movie and by the time the movie came out about half of the cast had been canceled or done some unbelievably crazy shit.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[Ken Marino]

Army was eating ladies. Allegedly eating people's. He never has eaten people's. But army was. Maybe he was talking about eating people.

[Bert Kreischer]

Russell Brand.

[Ken Marino]

Russell Brand. Gal Gadot had come out and been like. She's like, Israel will kill you all in your. Like you all bow down. And they're like. The press person must have been like, whoa, hey, hey, guys, guys. I thought I was a little bit fucked.

[Bert Kreischer]

Don't tell who the killer is.

[Ken Marino]

Hey guys, let's all stop being dicks. And the opening scene of so like the army stuff about him, like, sort of getting into, like, cannibal stuff. Allegedly had just come out. And the whole opening is a dance number where he's licking Gal Gadot and, like, he's Pepe le Pewing her in this dance number. And you're like, oh, this is like four.

[Bert Kreischer]

I didn't see this one. You know what I saw? I saw Murder on the Orient Express.

[Ken Marino]

Yeah, you saw the one where only one guy was canceled.

[Bert Kreischer]

Who's canceled?

[Ken Marino]

He's uncanceled now.

[Bert Kreischer]

Who?

[Ken Marino]

Johnny Depp.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh.

[Ken Marino]

At the time, he was a little dubious because we didn't know how that was going to sort out.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. You know, Josh Gad is fucking good. Oh.

[Ken Marino]

One of the funniest people of all time. The only time I ever saw a show where my face fucking hurt was the original book. Have you seen Book of Mormon?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I saw it with him. With him in it. Wait, did I. Would I seen it in L. A with him in it?

[Ken Marino]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Ken Marino]

No. You saw the Pantages with a funny little dude who's very funny, but he's not Josh Gatt. Josh is something else. Yeah, but there's Josh. Yeah. Stone cold genius. What are we talking about? We always talk about musicals.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know, I know.

[Ken Marino]

You don't know them at all.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, I know.

[Ken Marino]

Lynn texted after that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

Lin Manuel. When you call him. Lin Emanuel Miranda.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's okay. My buddy. My buddy. My buddy Billy. Billy Gardell had a TV show called Bob Hearts, something. I have been calling it bob loves Danny Amendola.

[Ken Marino]

I thought it always looked written out like, bob loves assholes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Bob loves Abishola.

[Ken Marino]

Absolutely insane title for a show.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's crazy that it was successful.

[Ken Marino]

It's almost an abuse of power to just be like Bob Hart. Abishola.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

Come on.

[Bert Kreischer]

I've been saying bob loves Danny Amendola for so long, and he said it the other day, and I went, I've been saying the wrong thing.

[Ken Marino]

I literally look at it and go, bob Loves.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, wait. Can I tell you.

[Ken Marino]

How do you not see that?

[Bert Kreischer]

Can I tell you something that I learned? And you're gonna. Everyone. Is anyone listening downstairs? Every single human being is going to mock me for the rest of my life.

[Ken Marino]

I don't know if I will, but okay, it is.

[Bert Kreischer]

If I looked at this, I was like, but how much does this cost?

[Ken Marino]

I'm crazy about that. Oh, don't worry about that. If you worry about this palace that we're in right now next to the dudes who might. You should check that I make it to the car, my friend.

[Bert Kreischer]

I might have to get a car.

[Ken Marino]

Peekaboo. Hey. Peekaboo. No, no, I see you. Come here. Peekaboo. I was walking by the vehicles, and I'm like, what, did Bert win the lottery again? What the fuck happened? Because there's these luxury vehicles, and. But everybody's sitting in, like, a weird plywood thing in the back, like, talking about stuff.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is a weird.

[Ken Marino]

To be. To be fair, he was very nice.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

But there was a vibe.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah.

[Ken Marino]

Of.

[Bert Kreischer]

What do you think if they walked into our front yard, of me and you talking? What do you think our vibe would be?

[Ken Marino]

Hey, hey, hey. Let's see. They were the nice guys.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

I walked into a weird, like, mafia den, and they were very nice. Whereas if they come up here, I'll be like, what do you need Bert for? No, like, what do you need him for?

[Bert Kreischer]

I love that you love confrontation. I love. Hate confrontation.

[Ken Marino]

I love it so much. It. It. My wife does not love how much I love it. Here's the thing. So early in New York, in the state, we all got beat up on the streets in New York all the time. It was a very ordinary thing to happen. We moved to New York, and it was 1988, so it's like the movie the Warriors.

[Bert Kreischer]

Whoa.

[Ken Marino]

Fucked up. You know, that was when all the subway cars are covered in graffiti. It was just a scary time. So once you've been beaten up in New York a couple of times, something changes in you, I think, and you stop. For me, I stopped being afraid of conference. Physical confrontations really doesn't scare me anymore. Wow. No. Two really amazing ones. I did not win or throw punches or anything, but I just came out the other side of them. And it sort of gives you a little thing of like, all right, let's see how this goes. And then you find out this is the other scary part. Nobody wants to be in confrontations. Oh, nobody does. So I was right. A recent example where we live in Wisconsin a lot, most of the time, and we rode our bikes to the movie theater. Me and my wife and my son are riding our bikes back from the movie theater, and there's a car. We're in the exact proper lane that we're supposed to be in for the bikes. Little car honks as he comes by us, and dude screams out the window, get the fuck out of the road. And then he gets stopped at a red light, and I'm coming up, and I pull right up, his windows open. I lean in the window, and I say, get the out of the car. Get the. Out of the car right now. He's like, I'm. I'm. I'm. Did I say something? I'm like, get the. Out of the car right now. One of us is gonna die right here, and I don't care if it's you or me, so get the fuck out of the car right now. And the next thing he says is, tom. And I'm like, yeah. He's like, you're friends with the. The chief of police, and so am I. I'm also friends with the chief of police. I was like, okay, okay. So we know when the cops come, it's gonna be a draw. Yeah, but get out of the car. And he's like, I'm so. He's like, most people are not ready to be corrected. And people are driving around screaming at people on bikes, children and things like that. And people like. We got into a world where everybody is like, I didn't like your movie. I didn't. But people don't get corrected by adults as much as I think they should. When I was a kid, you get fucking corrected all the time. From the west side of Chicago. Old Irish guys would just fucking hit you in the head and be like, fucking knock it off.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

People would tell us to knock it off every day, all day. No one's told, like, a whole generation. No one has said knock it off about anything ever.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I. I remember getting pulled out of my window and beaten by a grown man. Of course, I was 16 years old. I got people. Well, this Pulled me out of my window.

[Ken Marino]

Okay. Were you being a dick, though?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I was. Okay, so, yeah, I honked at him.

[Ken Marino]

I cheer for this guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

He was. He was pulled over at the movie theater to drop off his kids. And I was pulling up. It was Hyde Park. I pulled up behind him, and then I honked it. And then I honked at him, and he was like this. Go around. And I honked again. He said, go around. And I pulled up next to him. I go, learn how to fucking drive. And I pulled up, and then I got to the next light, and he walked to my window. And I was talking to my buddy Sal, and I said something like, where are we going? And Sal goes, oh, shit, he's here. And I went, what? He pulled me out of my window and started punching me in one eye.

[Ken Marino]

That's just punching me in one eye.

[Bert Kreischer]

And he was like, learn how to drive. I'm gonna. And he pulled me out. Sal jumped over, jumped onto his back. I love this Guy, he threw Sal off. My buddy, Adam Rieger got into the front seat and drove away in your vehicle. In my vehicle.

[Ken Marino]

And you're just on the street.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's me. We were on the street by the bank, just under the interstate. And this guy beat the out of me and Sal.

[Ken Marino]

I'm team that guy 100.

[Bert Kreischer]

And man, I never talk to people anymore when I was driving.

[Ken Marino]

You know, it's interesting. And this is where my wife really gets on me because, like, stuff like that will happen.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

Because I've also. But I've also like. And she's like, somebody's gonna shoot. You know, like, she's like, what if they have a gun? I'm like, they better. And she hates that the most. Yeah, she's like, they're gonna have a gun. I'm like, they better because I'm gonna fucking. Otherwise, this is over right now. But the fact is, you find most people have just forgotten how to have sort of manners and stuff. Stuff. Like, we used to have manners about everything. Like, things were manners except for you honking at the guy at the thing. We mostly used to.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just like you were taught manners.

[Ken Marino]

We were taught manners.

[Bert Kreischer]

In that moment, I realized, okay, I'm not the biggest. Yeah, I'm a kid. I think I'm tough because I got a car. We had a squatter in front of our. Our house. We live him, he was in a camper. And the neighbors, these type of neighbors that you saw over there came over to me and we.

[Ken Marino]

We were just going to set this guy on fire.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, they said they, no, no, but.

[Ken Marino]

We'Re gonna make it look like you did it.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, they said, you need to get him to move. This is your house.

[Ken Marino]

Okay?

[Bert Kreischer]

And I said, yeah, I'm not good at that. And they're like, what do you mean? I said like, I don't know. I'll try. So I knocked on his door and I was like, hey, man, you can't park here. And he was like, yeah, yeah, I can. And I was like, no, you can't. And he's like, no. Limitations of stat and sort. I was like, I don't know the policy. I just was like, hey, man, we're building here and we don't want you here. And he was like, yeah, you can go yourself. I'm staying here. So I looked at the end, I was like, it's not happening now.

[Ken Marino]

We've escalated.

[Bert Kreischer]

The guy comes, the guys come over and they're like, what did he say? And I said, he's not moving. And the one guy goes, the machine can't get him to move. We can move him. They went.

[Ken Marino]

I assure you, those guys could get him to move.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you know what they did?

[Ken Marino]

I don't want to know. I do. I don't want to be an accessory. Am I an accessory after the fact? If you tell me on a podcast, I think so. Okay. Some. Something happened.

[Bert Kreischer]

They brought baseball bats over, and they started destroying his camper van with baseball bats. And when he came out, they beat him with a baseball bat. And then they moved it for him. They put him in it, and they moved it for him.

[Ken Marino]

See, that goes a little beyond my thing, which is just like, manners are good. I was kind of getting it like, hey, manners are good. And we diverted into, like, let's start murdering folks.

[Bert Kreischer]

I had a neighbor.

[Ken Marino]

Let's randomly murder the poor.

[Bert Kreischer]

You ready for this?

[Ken Marino]

I don't know if I'm going full. I'm not full. Murder the poor.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't like confrontation. I had a. I had a neighbor who. A guy was breaking into our house during construction break into our house, and he caught him and he held him at gunpoint with a gun in his mouth on the corner of the street until the cops. Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

Like you do.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I'm just like, I'm not that kind of guy.

[Ken Marino]

I had a guy when we lived in the middle of Hollywood. We lived on Vista street, like, right by Astro Burger and Fat Burger at Santa Monica there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[Ken Marino]

And I looked at one night, and a guy, bolt was bolt cutting our bicycles. He'd come into our property through the gate and was bolt cutting the bicycles off our bicycles off the front porch of our house. And I did the logical thing, which is I grabbed my BB gun, rifle. I'm in, like, a suit, the jacket was off. And I started running and chasing him and saying, motherfucker, you did it. Now you're gonna die. You're gonna die. He threw the bikes instantly.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

But I didn't care. I was going after him. And then he got almost a Melrose, basically, and Vista or Melrose and Gardner, and I'm Lost them. Can't get him. The bikes are gone, and I'm walking home, and I got, like, a rifle on my arm. That's when the first cert. Cop searchlight hit me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you serious?

[Ken Marino]

It was seven cop cars and the helicopter. Seven LAPD cop cars. And the helicopter. There was like, 16 machine. 16 sawed off shotguns pointed at me in the street. Like I was. Oh, yeah. I was chasing. And, like, you don't get to say right then as you're walking down the street, like, dripping sweat with a suit, like, can I tell my side of the store, Officer? Let me say how I see it from my point of view. Like, no, you look like a crazy person with a gun running down the street. Yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

They shot. What's his name? It was the lead singer. Weezer's wife.

[Ken Marino]

Bass player.

[Bert Kreischer]

Bass player, Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

I want to know way more about this. That is. It's a huge fold from. Okay. Just casually. No, it's. There's way. A lot of stuff we don't know about that. Yeah, I do know from my experience with the lapd, and they see you with a gun, and by the way, I'd thrown it on the ground, like, already. Yeah, it was all way up. The second the spotlight hit me, I'm like, oh, fuck, this looks bad.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, this is not a good look.

[Ken Marino]

This is not. The optics are sort of terrible as I'm like, officer, let me show you the real meaning. You have lived so high, now you shall live so low. Yeah, it was a bad night, but by the way, great night to be famous.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, the best.

[Ken Marino]

When you actually didn't do it. Because actually, it didn't do anything. Yeah, I was actually chasing a guy who had robbed me, but I was being a little bit of a dick about it. And I was also screaming, you're about to get murdered. And things like that. That are like. I was screaming things that were unseemly, you know, so. But I do think that guy probably thought about next time, he was like, I'm gonna fucking steal a bike from a guy's house. I'm like, you know what? Once in a while, you're gonna roll the dice. You're gonna get little Irish guy who's sad and loves to just get. Get into. You're gonna get a Smiths fan who's like, hey, the Smith. The Smiths aren't making any more records. What am I. I don't need. I could be getting into that McLaren Swiss capsule or chase you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, you can't. You can't predict who's gonna beat you up.

[Ken Marino]

That's the best part about it. That's also the best part about. This is a weird thing, because you're a big, tough guy, and you've always been. You've probably always been kind of a big, strong guy. It's actually. I think sometimes in situations where people are being a dick and I go like. I do the. Like, you know that. Whatever. The thing is that I do, which Is like, I get real. The one thing I do is I get quiet. There's a lot. There's nothing scary like guys yelling at you like, you, I'll kill you. That's not scary. But when you lean in on it, you say, come here. Come here. No, come here. I need you to come here for a second. So much scarier. See, it's a thing you can cultivate. And maybe you cultivate it if you're a little guy. I'm five foot eight. I'm Tom Cruise height. So, like, maybe you cultivate more like the, like, look. And also it works 90% of the time. The trick is 10% of the time it doesn't work. And the 10% of the time it doesn't work. You are completely fucked. Because you're like a little guy who's basically an actor from musical theater pretending to be a badass.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, but you're a good actor.

[Ken Marino]

Yes. And it works again 90% of the time.

[Bert Kreischer]

Good actor, a good writer, good producer. All those.

[Ken Marino]

But that other 10. That other 10, you're really. You're. It's. It's milking table, and you're not on the. You're not on the good end. You're on the other end of the milking table. Oh, what, I live here now?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah. I. Yeah. I hate conversation. Jill Shriner basis. Scott Shriner was shot by police. That's crazy.

[Ken Marino]

I don't want to comment on it because we really don't know what happened. But from my point of view as a guy, I know a lot of cops. Cop. Whenever cops ask me to do stuff, I'm like a 1 million percent. Yeah, you want to do that? I'm like, yeah. Do you want to come to the thing? Yes, of course I do. Yeah, I know. They hate when you brandish guns at them.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's like one of their really, really.

[Ken Marino]

Really, really, really, really don't like it. They've also been driving for, like, 11 hours in scratchy pants with, like, ammunition that's like, basically destroyed. Their. Their kidneys and their hips hurt. And, like, they just got told, like, they don't get Christmas off. And they're like, everything sucks. And they're like, oh, hey, by the way, I don't. You probably can't understand somebody's gonna have a gun over at the house. And all we know is that they hate you. What? I don't know. You're just always. Everywhere you go, people are like, fuck you. It sucks.

[Bert Kreischer]

I can't imagine how bad of a cop I'd be.

[Ken Marino]

Oh, I'm. I'm. I think first day, I'm like Denzel and Training Day. Just like pcp, doing stuff. Making Ethan Hawke do pcp.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I would definitely. There'd be a lot of times where I shot people.

[Ken Marino]

Yeah, for sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was like, wow, that didn't go the way I thought it would.

[Ken Marino]

First instinct.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I'd overuse my power.

[Ken Marino]

I don't want to hear about your whole bam.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I was my favorite. You ever heard. And this is. This is the kind of cop I'd be. They asked DMX one time. He got arrested. You ever hear the story? Got arrested at the airport. He got arrested for. Impressive. Impersonating a federal agent. And they were like, how did that. What happened? Yeah. Oh, yeah. She was like, was he dressed up.

[Ken Marino]

Like X Files or whatever?

[Bert Kreischer]

No. So. So you can buy. My daughter's just asked for these. You can buy sirens to put in your car.

[Ken Marino]

Oh, yeah. No, you're not supposed to.

[Bert Kreischer]

Not supposed to do it. You're not supposed to do it the way DMX did it.

[Ken Marino]

You're not supposed to do that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And DMX was like. He goes, what's DMX doing with the. Yeah, he was at the airport. He's running madly for a flight, Mad late for a flight, and this Asian dude's going mad stool in front of me. So I hit him with the lights. I pulled him over, and he didn't pull over. Dude's not respecting my authority. And they're like, but you're not a cop. He goes, yeah, but he didn't know that. He should have pulled over. So now I had to run him off the road.

[Ken Marino]

This is a great story.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, it's. And they go, you don't. But don't you not have a driver's license? And he goes, no, I don't have a driver's license. And they're like, you still drive. And DMX's response was, catch me if you can.

[Ken Marino]

Okay. And then it seems like they did. Neat thing about it. Got him.

[Bert Kreischer]

Got him.

[Ken Marino]

The second part about it. He threw an Asian guy under the bus, driving slow.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

You remember O.J. in his first interrogation with the. With the police?

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Ken Marino]

He throws an Asian driver under the bus, too.

[Bert Kreischer]

For real?

[Ken Marino]

Yeah. Go watch the whole. Dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can I tell you, that documentary blew me away. I always believe in innocence first, of course. He really killed them. Allegedly.

[Ken Marino]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, I don't want to get in trouble.

[Ken Marino]

No, you're not gonna get in trouble.

[Bert Kreischer]

With the civil courts, because I watch that Documentary.

[Ken Marino]

It is spectacular. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's spec.

[Ken Marino]

Yeah. Now, I know the world doesn't need two guys who look like us saying that. Probably.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

Yeah. You know, but, yeah, it's spectacular.

[Bert Kreischer]

I have a buddy who owns a lot of OJ Memorabilia when his stuff. And they said you could buy the glove.

[Ken Marino]

I'm just gonna wait this one out over here. I'm gonna hang out for a second, then I jump back in. Well, then the argument would be that's. But here's what I'm gonna say.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, okay.

[Ken Marino]

Okay. If you're an OJ Fan and you really believe that it's not his glove.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

End of story.

[Bert Kreischer]

End of story.

[Ken Marino]

He. Very firm. Clearly said it didn't fit when it.

[Bert Kreischer]

They said. They just said he started doing this.

[Ken Marino]

Medicine and he also started doing this really weird bit where things were just like.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's like, oh, it's like what I do with condoms.

[Ken Marino]

Oh, dude, it's not working. This will never, ever. If you're gonna make me get this on. Yeah, that. Yeah, we watched the documentary. Was neat. He's doing weird. He's doing. No one's ever done jazz hands that hard.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

It's like the hardest. It's like the full Bob Fosse. Like, he's put. You can't. No, we're gonna get. No. Yeah, that's okay. Nobody, everybody, probably anybody who thinks that, like, you and me are gonna, like, come here and be like, you know what? OJ got a real bum shake that I don't think that they're not. They're not watching.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no, they're.

[Ken Marino]

No, they're. They're not. This will never.

[Bert Kreischer]

Crazy when you look at it will.

[Ken Marino]

Literally never come up in their feed that both of us are, like, seemed.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I get in trouble for crying. I already know you can highlight what people are going to. Not like. And I'll get in trouble on this podcast for not hating the female astro astronauts.

[Ken Marino]

But not. But you made me a slightly better person because I'm like, well, what do I hate about it so much? And the actual. The answer is the outfits are cute.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

If they're at your Halloween party, you'd be like, oh, my God, you guys are so cute. Like, it's cute.

[Bert Kreischer]

The money wasn't going somewhere else.

[Ken Marino]

No, it didn't go. No, it was. It was. Again, the choice was not books.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

The choice was not like, tuberculosis hospital or. Or this.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

You're making me. No, you're making me really, really think about it now.

[Bert Kreischer]

I always say, don't underestimate what a Karen we actually are. Like, everyone looks at like, Karen's and they go, that lady. And you forget that you are a couple.

[Ken Marino]

I know. I'm definitely a Karen a lot of the time. You heard about me doing the guy with the bike? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm rooting for the guy that was going to kill you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, I am. I am. I. The only thing that saves me from most Karen moments is that I've had a mic on the majority of my adult life.

[Ken Marino]

Well, there's that.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so you recognize that you're. I always feel like everyone's always listening to me.

[Ken Marino]

Love Karen videos. Oh, man, I love it. I mean, I just can't stop watching my favorite one.

[Bert Kreischer]

Have you seen the girl get choke slam? No, no, it's the best one.

[Ken Marino]

Where? State. What part of Florida?

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm guessing. No, no, no, no.

[Ken Marino]

What part of Florida.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no.

[Ken Marino]

Oh, not part of New York.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's called Karma Karen.

[Ken Marino]

Comes fat. Karma Karen. Let's do it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Karma Karen. Choke slam. Body slam. Just say Karen. Okay. In Toledo. In Toledo.

[Ken Marino]

Toledo, Ohio.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's. Is it. Is this it? In Toledo. That's it. This is so good.

[Ken Marino]

Oh, no, it's. Oh, my God. I've watched this a hundred times. I already know exactly what this is. I hope she's okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, she could go.

[Ken Marino]

This is. No, I've seen it so many times.

[Bert Kreischer]

I fantasize about this.

[Ken Marino]

How is this kid so good at a body slant? Because this kid's like, got some moves.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, this is from a different angle. I've never seen it.

[Ken Marino]

No, this is the wangle I've seen it from. This kid's like, got a full jiu jitsu and he's just like. The answer is no. He. It's like. It's kind of nice when you see somebody just go full dirty, hairy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

Here he goes. Three, two, board. Oh, smack. And you're down.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, man.

[Ken Marino]

Doctors always say, try to land right here. Doctors always say try to. Try to let this part of your spinal cord and your brain connect at 300 miles an hour. Right. With ice. With Ohio ice and pavement.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's crazy. I feel like we've. We've regressed.

[Ken Marino]

So.

[Bert Kreischer]

When I was raised, you weren't allowed to hit women no matter what, right?

[Ken Marino]

Wait, wait. You still are not Definitely. Yeah. I know you like sports and everything, but.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, but there's. But it was like this. We watched.

[Ken Marino]

Yeah, that's different.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, even if you got hit by.

[Ken Marino]

A girl, you're supposed to walk it off.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. So I went to a Hank Williams Jr. Concert shirt at the Sundome when I was like 17 years old and my buddies all got into a fist fight.

[Ken Marino]

And you're supposed to let girls hit.

[Bert Kreischer]

You and this girl is the law. Big tits, blonde, probably 5, 10. Starts beating the out of me. I mean, I. If again, not the girl that got.

[Ken Marino]

Slammed again, I'm on her side and.

[Bert Kreischer]

She got me to a place where I fell in between seats. I couldn't move my arms to get them over my face. And she's just punching the shit out of me. And I'm just not scratching, not scratching. Just. I'm like, this girl grew up in like fucking Pasco county like just unleashing.

[Ken Marino]

On me and good for her, I'm happy for her.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I was like, someone please punch this woman. Someone please punch this woman. I get the shit kicked out of me by a woman. And then I remember we got out of the Sundome and they're at their car.

[Ken Marino]

What did you do, though?

[Bert Kreischer]

It was, it was. I've never been an instigator on fights. I'm always the guy that makes this smart ass comment like that that sets it off, you know.

[Ken Marino]

So what was the situation?

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm sure it was my friends with the. These older rednecks. And I made the comment of like, I don't, I really don't remember that fight. I know for a fact I got punched one time. I mean, it was, it was so, so clean. Lambda Kai ato. We're at Yannis. This is two days after the officers got acquitted for the Rodney King. And I dropped in a. Can't we all just get along? It's just too soon. Maybe it was too raw. And I got punched hard as fuck.

[Ken Marino]

I mean, whose side am I on this one?

[Bert Kreischer]

Two days.

[Ken Marino]

Give me one second, give me a second, give me a second.

[Bert Kreischer]

Two days after the fucking.

[Ken Marino]

Theoretically, it was so good. Theoretically it works. I mean, you fucked up by saying it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I go, okay, guys, guys, guys, guys. And I mean, they're. And the fact. Can't we all just get along right after, Right after the Rodney. He had just said it, man. This is like topical before. Topical. These are guys that probably hadn't even heard it. And boom, I got punched hard.

[Ken Marino]

You know what? It's weird. You might have been gonna get punched no matter what you said.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think I was getting.

[Ken Marino]

He was just ready for like, here comes this mother. Have you seen this? With the flip flops and the thing? And he's you know, I'll tell you the worst one.

[Bert Kreischer]

The worst one, just edit his name out. But his name's important to the story.

[Ken Marino]

Can we. Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just. When you hear the name, you can picture. No, no, no. You got to picture him. I wonder if you can find him online. Anyway, he was a beast. He was our captain of our baseball team, and he is just jacked. He is the one of the biggest men I've ever seen in Cuban. Thick neck, huge arms, big chest, big legs. Fastest dude, the most natural athlete I'd ever seen in my entire life. He's the captain of our baseball team and we are screwing around. And he goes, bert Kreischer, shut your face. And I go, okay, give me a second.

[Ken Marino]

Perfect.

[Bert Kreischer]

And he doesn't like it. And he goes. He goes, quit being a smart ass. I go, it's better than being a dumbass. And he comes back and he starts a fight. Me, Sean Kent, Sean Hooker, Troy Kent, Dean Kent, Joe Schweilt, and Jimmy Cook all get on this guy and they pull him off us, right? And it's. No, it's. It's six of us, okay?

[Ken Marino]

One guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

One guy. That's how manly this guy was. So they all were all warming up. Baseball practice. We're warming up and they say, don't worry, he gets like that sometimes. He gets hot headed. When he comes out, he's probably gonna just apologize to you. You know what he's gonna do? He's probably gonna want to pull you aside and have a talk with you because he is the captain of the team. I was like, cool. So we all get done warming up and we're walking back into the dugout and out comes Freddy with a baseball bat. And we're like, oh, he's probably gonna want to. He's going to probably ask you to throw some BP to him. And I was like, okay, yeah, sure. So then they go, we'll give you guys some time. So they five walk away, and Freddy just comes up and no crap. Hits me with a baseball bat in the head. And I had not arm in the arm. I block it with my arm. I have my glove on and I have a ball in my hand. I'm trying to punch him with a ball in my hand.

[Ken Marino]

That's a bruise for like a year deep. It didn't break it.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, but it five guys, that's.

[Ken Marino]

A bruise that's like black purple jump.

[Bert Kreischer]

On me and him. You know, it's so crazy in a fight, you don't feel it in the moment. You Feel it later. You're all of a sudden, like a day later, you're like, why is my.

[Ken Marino]

No, I never felt. Yeah, I never felt in any fight where I got beat up. I never really noticed it. Yeah, you don't notice it. Well, the one thing you notice when you really get the kicked out of you is that you pee your pants. Usually that's the one thing you notice. You're like, why am I peeing my pants? Oh, because one dude's choking me on the ground and the other guy is beating me to death.

[Bert Kreischer]

This guy beat up six of us. He beat up six of us.

[Ken Marino]

I don't think. I'm not on this guy's side. I think, shut your face. I think funny stuff should be funny.

[Bert Kreischer]

Funny.

[Ken Marino]

Well, funny stuff is allowed.

[Bert Kreischer]

Here's the problem.

[Ken Marino]

This thing was something else.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is the problem. This is why you got to be really careful whenever you make jokes about MMA guys. Because not all MMA guys have senses of humor.

[Ken Marino]

You think?

[Bert Kreischer]

I know for a fact. I know for a fact.

[Ken Marino]

Again, doctors always say with this part of your brain, as much as you possibly can. Like, whatever you do, if you're gonna fall or hit it thousands of times, make sure it's the frontal lobe, which includes creativity, your name, things like that. Make sure that, like, you just keep, keep, keep it awake. With solid bone contact, you're supposed to get punched. I'm not a doctor. I'm Batman's doctor and also the doctor memento. But you're supposed to get a hard concussion to your head in life, like, once. And I believe my friend who's an actual, like, neuro guy is like, it'd be better if you didn't get even that one. Yeah, it would be better. You for sure don't get a bunch.

[Bert Kreischer]

You got to be careful with MMA guys. You got to know that they have a sense of humor if you're gonna make jokes, because some guys really don't have. They're like, yeah, I don't. I didn't.

[Ken Marino]

Do you choose that life if you're like, the funniest guy in the room?

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Ken Marino]

You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to see if somebody can knee me in the eyeball.

[Bert Kreischer]

I. You know what's so funny?

[Ken Marino]

Till I. Either he or I die.

[Bert Kreischer]

Joe told me to get into jiu jitsu because it helps with confrontation.

[Ken Marino]

Well, because you feel like it probably brings great calmness. I think that.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think it's the idea that you touch, like, even the idea of, like, touching another guy. And wrestling with them makes me uncomfortable. I go, I. I'd rather the idea, hopefully, that you.

[Ken Marino]

Most things could get settled very quickly.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. You know, I would love just a nice conversation and apology and just go, I'm sorry. I never should have said that. There's been a couple guys where I, like, I'll get texts, and they're like, yeah, don't make. Don't make a joke about that guy.

[Ken Marino]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I'm like, okay, cool. Never mind. Guy's dead to me.

[Ken Marino]

Yeah, that's a different thing. Getting in cages to fight and stuff. As much as I love being a dick and also Karen and out on people sometimes, but I'm also not a Karen. I don't think. Is this what all Karens say? That they don't think they're Karen?

[Bert Kreischer]

I think so. I think we're all ultimately Karen's.

[Ken Marino]

No, Karens think that they're Karens.

[Bert Kreischer]

They all.

[Ken Marino]

They all think that they were the good guy in this.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was in therapy with my wife, and we were talking about rage issues. She's going through menopause, and my. My.

[Ken Marino]

Oh, no, I've met her. No, you. Yeah, I know. I met her.

[Bert Kreischer]

And our therapist goes, is there something you can say to her in a moment of rage that'll calm her down? And I went, yeah, let me. Like a safe word. I go, okay, like, hey, you're acting like a idiot. Is that a good safe word? She's like, no, that would just make her more mad. I go, everything's gonna make her more mad in a rage moment. No one has the wherewithal to be like, you're right. I'm overreacting.

[Ken Marino]

Did you enjoy couples therapy?

[Bert Kreischer]

I love it.

[Ken Marino]

Oh, it's good for you.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love it.

[Ken Marino]

We just go. And the lady basically tells us, like, oh, yeah, he's a lot. And you're. What are you doing now? You're fanning his fires, and he's a thing. He's stopping people on the street.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I wish we could do couples. Couples therapy.

[Ken Marino]

He's a. Well, that would be easy. Just. It's like a swap.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no. I go in. I go in with your. Yeah, yeah. Me, you, and your wife.

[Ken Marino]

It's like a key party. But you guys go.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, we all go to the same therapist, and we bring our other therapists, and then we all bring. It's like a pow wow.

[Ken Marino]

It's like an awesome orgy of getting your together.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, you. You would love this. I bring. So we compete in therapy. So we declare a winner I don't.

[Ken Marino]

Think that's a good idea. Again, Batman's doctor, Dr. Memento. We compete in therapy. Is not. Is not what you're. It's. No.

[Bert Kreischer]

My therapist. My therapist the other day. Literally.

[Ken Marino]

Licensed psychiatrist or therapist?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know.

[Ken Marino]

What's the question? Can they prescribe medication?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I want one of those.

[Ken Marino]

That's a psychiatrist.

[Bert Kreischer]

Fuck. Let's go to a. Can you do couple psychiatry?

[Ken Marino]

Can you. That's a great question.

[Bert Kreischer]

Where they go, you need Adderall. You need Xanax.

[Ken Marino]

This all gets sorted out. You pick the two best recreational drugs just by chance, which I don't think is an accident.

[Bert Kreischer]

Couple psychiatrists, they put you guys on the stage, Ecstasy.

[Ken Marino]

You're like, I don't know what's good? Xanax, Adderall.

[Bert Kreischer]

So can you do couple psychiatry?

[Ken Marino]

Probably. Actually, I'm not sure if you can, you know, couples therapy. You know, you go to couples therapy, and it's a lot about you feeling like, oh, well, yeah. Oh, great. I'm okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, Leanne.

[Ken Marino]

Everybody's mad at me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Leanne trains for him.

[Ken Marino]

Oh, she's ready.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, she goes. She goes, she has a therapist just so she can win couples there again.

[Ken Marino]

The wind thing, you know, she did.

[Bert Kreischer]

The other day, she goes. She goes, we have therapy next tomorrow. And I said, nice. And she goes, you're going down. And then did double guns.

[Ken Marino]

That's not the way I was, like, verbatim. Not the way that's supposed to go. That's just not. There's no way that's the way that's supposed to go.

[Bert Kreischer]

So hard, hard. This last therapy.

[Ken Marino]

This is not what you're supposed to be.

[Bert Kreischer]

She brought up one that she thought she was gonna win.

[Ken Marino]

I'm just glad that we are not mad at those space origin ladies.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think that's a great way to. To close this podcast out. I think that now who's. Who's the next. Like, who's the next going to space? Yeah. It's got to be someone uncancelable, like 50 Cent.

[Ken Marino]

Logically. Logically. If this was the ladies group, I think the next group is Aerosmith. They're gonna say Arabs just from Arabs. I think it's Aerosmith. Who's the weirdest? It'd be fun to do, like, the. Who's the male equivalent to each of these? Like, what. Who is the weird one?

[Bert Kreischer]

That's. We could do that very quickly.

[Ken Marino]

Oh, my God.

[Bert Kreischer]

Who is the male equivalent to Gail King?

[Ken Marino]

Gail is. It's gotta be Neil DeGrasse Tyson. Except he's an actual physicist, but he's also on TV a lot. Who's the other judge?

[Bert Kreischer]

Don Lemon.

[Ken Marino]

Don Lemon. Who's the other Judge Judy. Who's a guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, Judge Joe Brown.

[Ken Marino]

Yes. Judge Joe Brown is one. Okay. Okay. We're filling our perfect new spaceship. Judge Joe Brown.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God. I'm taking it.

[Ken Marino]

Kid Rock. I think we're nailing it.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is home.

[Ken Marino]

This is the best, by the way. I like this.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I like this draft.

[Ken Marino]

Hang on. Space draft.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are we doing all dudes?

[Ken Marino]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. All dudes. I mean, I think you got to put. So you need someone who's like, like, super, super, super liberal.

[Ken Marino]

God, I wish Pete Rose were alive. Oh, okay. Although he's your. Is he your Gail? Yeah, he's probably. Yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Or Al Roker.

[Ken Marino]

Oh, that's so perfect.

[Bert Kreischer]

Al Roker would be great. Al Roker.

[Ken Marino]

And it's the same suit and everything.

[Bert Kreischer]

He gets off.

[Ken Marino]

He does the same. The whole Kid Rock.

[Bert Kreischer]

Al Roker, Judge Joe Brown. We need an Asian guy, literally.

[Ken Marino]

Can I give this. Is there a Gofundme? Bobby.

[Bert Kreischer]

We send Bobby Lee.

[Ken Marino]

Well, there's actually no. Then it gets good. Bobby's. Actually.

[Bert Kreischer]

If you said Bobby.

[Ken Marino]

No, it's too good. It's too good. We got to dial it way, way, way, way, way back. Let's go way off. We don't want top shelf. Hilarious. What? Dr. Ken.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dr. Ken.

[Ken Marino]

Ken Jong Ken's also really funny because he's.

[Bert Kreischer]

And he's a doctor, though, so he could be like, he'll test tampons.

[Ken Marino]

I know, but he's too. He's too legit.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. You need Asian. Oh, what. What about Scott Lynn, the basketball player? Jeremy Lynn.

[Ken Marino]

Don't know him. Perfect.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. Yeah. Jeremy Lin. And he's just an advocate for something. Just.

[Ken Marino]

Rando. Yeah. We get randos.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then you need. You need a trustwife like. Like. Like Lauren Sanchez. Just like.

[Ken Marino]

Oh, Stedman Steadman still on the scene.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is he alive?

[Ken Marino]

No, he's alive. I just noticed that nobody talks about him anymore.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Whatever happened to Stedman?

[Ken Marino]

He definitely got sort of like, you know that thing at a Japanese company where they. They don't fire you, but they keep moving you into the darkness, and, like, they put you somewhere weird where you're just looking at a wall, and they're like, oh, you're not fired. You just don't. You're not in the sunshine anymore. We'll just let you be.

[Bert Kreischer]

We send Jesse Itzler.

[Ken Marino]

Remind me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Jesse Itzler.

[Ken Marino]

Remind me.

[Bert Kreischer]

His wife created Spanx. He's an entrepreneur, but he'd be a good guy to go. He created and he's like.

[Ken Marino]

Argument. There's a solid argument that what Spanx has done for the world, was it a good thing?

[Bert Kreischer]

There's a. I mean, no, no.

[Ken Marino]

Visually.

[Bert Kreischer]

Visually.

[Ken Marino]

Visually, yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

It is crazy when you get your wife naked, she has Spanx on, and you're like, that's what that was.

[Ken Marino]

That's what that was. It is crazy because you're like. You'll see people and you're like. You are. What the. This happens on a lot of bridesmaids where you're like, these. All these ladies seem, like, very normal.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

Yesterday at the. We had to go to that weird lunch, and everybody was normal now, and nobody's normal.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no. I saw my wife.

[Ken Marino]

Everybody's got an exoskeleton.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

A sexo skeleton. Let's call it. It's a sexy exoskeleton, but it feels like. Yeah, it does feel like you're gonna get a lot of, like. I mean, you know me, and even in my shorts, it's like Pillsbury, you know, when you open the crescent rolls. And.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[Ken Marino]

Fairness that.

[Bert Kreischer]

I got it. I got a male Spanx top that held your chest in and your stomach in, and it worked until someone touched you, and they're like, did you just have surgery? And you're like, no.

[Ken Marino]

I got a lot of. I get a lot of weird ads that are like, your man boobs are ruining your life. And I'm like, what?

[Bert Kreischer]

What?

[Ken Marino]

Like, how does my phone know that?

[Bert Kreischer]

I think I have body dysmorphia in the right way. In the wrong way, where I look at my body and I go, nice.

[Ken Marino]

And then I'm like, oh, that's great.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then everyone's like, not. Not nice. I saw my wife putting on lotion naked today, and I thought to myself, that's what a woman's supposed to look like. But I go, that's not what. They put it out there. And my. I thought, peter, put it out.

[Ken Marino]

Then you need a sexo skeleton. Yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You put that woman in Spanx, she looks like a. I mean, she looks good already, but, like, put her in Spanx and it's a different piece.

[Ken Marino]

No, it's a very different thing. That's why I was wondering, is it a great thing that's happened to the world?

[Bert Kreischer]

I know. We should all just be cool with our. Our bodies.

[Ken Marino]

It's a great question. But also, if they made. I want to find out where you make the men's thing that does this?

[Bert Kreischer]

I got it at the. There was a store in a mall that was made for television. You ever seen that salt you bought? What's it. What's it called?

[Ken Marino]

I've seen on tv.

[Bert Kreischer]

I've seen on tv.

[Ken Marino]

It's called, literally, something like I've seen.

[Bert Kreischer]

On tv, and I bought it in there, and I was like, this works so well.

[Ken Marino]

Yeah. So I wore weird products that they can't legally sell anymore because something happened.

[Bert Kreischer]

I wore the collared shirt because that's when my stomach always is a problem in collared shirts. And I gave a guy a hug, and he's like, oh, whoa. What happened?

[Ken Marino]

Whoa.

[Bert Kreischer]

What are you talking about? And he's like, did you have surgery or. I was like, huh?

[Ken Marino]

Because it's hard.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's hard as a rock.

[Ken Marino]

Yeah, that's what you want.

[Bert Kreischer]

But the question is, so what would. What would. What's a better idea, by the way, I'm getting to a point where I go, do I open a second bottle of wine? What's a better idea? A pill that makes you feel great about your body or a pill that makes your body great?

[Ken Marino]

Oh, that's a great ethical question, I think. There's zero question, and here's why. This is an instant answer, okay? The one that makes you feel like it's great, because no matter how great your body gets, you won't feel good about it. Okay? And here's a quick story I'm going to tell to that end that I think tells a lot about human nature.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay?

[Ken Marino]

So I was in a movie a long time ago with Sam Waterston. No, Sam Waterston. Workingest actor in the history of the world. Maybe Sam Waterston. Hundreds of courses. And I was walking across the Paramount lot because I was working on something with Ed Helms. And I'm walking with Ed, and I see Sam Waterston's coming the other way. And I'm like, sam. He'd played my dad in a movie, and he's like, tom, he was great. And he. And he saw me with Ed. He's like, what are you doing here at Paramount? And I was like, oh, I'm. I'm writing a movie for Ed. And Sam Waterston said, when did you quit acting and start writing? And I was like, oh, Sam. I was like, I never. I was like, I've always been a writer. I was like, I never. I never quit acting. I just said, you know, like, acting is just such a ruthless career. And Sam Horson said, when I Said, like, acting as a ruthless career. Sam Walterson said, you're telling me. And I was like, okay. The actor who has worked the most in the history of the world.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

Said, excuse me. What I said was, acting is an unreliable profession. And he said, you're telling me unreliable? And I was like, okay, you've literally worked every day that I thought. So, like, no matter what level you think you're at.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Ken Marino]

If you're doing it right, you're probably gonna think that you're not crushing it. You're probably gonna think there's a level that you're not at that exists.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's.

[Ken Marino]

I only know that because the workingest actor in the world was like, like, oh, I get it. I was like, oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's so crazy. I feel like that was stand up. I always look at people coming off stage that are stand ups and they go, I crushed it. I killed it. I destroyed. And then I'm like, wait, who feels that? Oh, delusional comics.

[Ken Marino]

I've never.

[Bert Kreischer]

No delusional comics. I always walk on stage.

[Ken Marino]

I was like, I go straight to Facebook. I'm like, did anybody in Cambodia hate the movie? Please tell me if you hated the movie. Hated the movie. Oh, everybody hated the movie. And a lot of times everybody hated the movie. That's a. That's a real handy. It's not always hard to find the.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude. Thank you for doing this. You're the best. You are the best. You're like my new favorite friend. Like, I, I've. I've. I really enjoy your brain. And I know that you're so different than I am that it's like, it's so fun when I can't wait. I'm gonna watch the following and the Covenant. What's the one with the priests? Conclave. Conclave on the floor.

[Ken Marino]

Let's put on now a man who would be king. Man. It would be king. And then let's go do that. We just go. Take all the money, get all the resources.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude. There's got to be a couple countries.

[Ken Marino]

There's some countries where people have never heard of us at all.

[Bert Kreischer]

Until they do.

[Ken Marino]

Until they do.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they're like, just someone comes on vacation, like, can I get a picture with you? And they're like, how did they know who you were?

[Ken Marino]

And then they bite your ear and blood comes out. No spoilers.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then they watch our body of.

[Ken Marino]

Work and they're like, these guys are not gods.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is the guy. This is the guy that our country.

[Ken Marino]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

911.

[Ken Marino]

This guy, he's a bad teacher.

[Bert Kreischer]

Or they fall in love with you. Once they see your body of work you, you create you all of a sudden.

[Ken Marino]

Very unlikely.

[Bert Kreischer]

He performs with his shirt on.

[Ken Marino]

From boat trip.

[Bert Kreischer]

Boat trip.

[Ken Marino]

I'm in boat trip. I don't know why we shot it in Cologne, Germany, but we did. Show business is a struggle, guys.

[Bert Kreischer]

Show business is a struggle. You're telling me the only easy day.

[Ken Marino]

In show business was yesterday?

[Bert Kreischer]

You're the best. Thank you for doing this. One goes top swap. The other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and burts the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call called two bears, one cave.