The End Is Here w/ Ari Shaffir | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Summary

2 Bears, 1 Cave – “The End Is Here” w/ Ari Shaffir

Podcast: 2 Bears, 1 Cave
Hosts: Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
Guest: Ari Shaffir
Date: April 20, 2026
Studio: YMH Studios

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Brief Overview

In this lively episode, comedians Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer are joined by stand-up favorite Ari Shaffir for a sprawling, hilarious, and unfiltered discussion. The trio reminisce about comedy storytelling shows, the evolution of TV networks, legendary moments with Tracy Morgan, and the ever-shifting landscape of sobriety, drinking, and wellness culture. Much of the episode reflects on Ari's freshly released storytelling show The End, industry stories, and the comedians’ irreverent takes on legacy, lifestyle fads, and the simple joys of a cold drink (or not).

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Episode Highlights

Ari Shaffir’s Storytelling Show "The End" (01:26–04:00; 09:33–10:43; 68:45–70:11)

• Ari’s beloved storytelling series, “This Is Not Happening,” previously on Comedy Central, has been revived as “The End,” produced by YMH Studios.
• The lineup features major comics like Nate Bargatze, Shane Gillis, Ms. Pat, Ali Siddiq, and more.
• Unlike network TV, The End allows comics to own and profit directly from their episodes.
• The End is pay-per-episode or full season, with revenue shared among comedians.
• Ari notes the difficulty of booking, citing missed appearances by Bert, Joey Diaz (due to knee surgery), and Sean Patton (contract issues).
• Moving away from traditional networks is discussed:

  "It's crazy? Two things. One, nobody knows Comedy Central. Two, nobody knows what a network is." (Ari, 01:46)

• As of release, the show is available at YMH Studios:

  “Now it’s out. It’s 4/20, guys. Usually, if you've saved an episode, today's the day to watch.” (Ari, 02:38)

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TV Networks Are Dead (01:46–02:00)

• Laughter over the irrelevance of old-school TV networks in the streaming/podcast era.

  "Nobody knows Comedy Central. Two, nobody knows what a network is. Even the idea." (Ari, 01:46)

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Legendary Comedy Stories: The Tracy Morgan Saga (10:08–20:20; 25:01–28:51)

• Bert and Ari share a long, hilarious quest to get Tracy Morgan to “bless” Bert’s infamous story about smoking a blunt with Tracy in the early days of their comedy careers.
• After persistence, Bert FaceTimes with Tracy, leading to a surreal New York meeting where past events are hilariously recounted—over Chick-fil-A, in the Chrysler Building.
• Tracy recalls details, confirms Bert’s story, grants permission for Bert to tell it. However, his management later blocks the appearance.
• Bert on Tracy during the meeting:

  “He added so much to it that, like, as we’re listening, Ari and I are watching this. It’s almost magic.” (Bert, 14:44)

• The sadness of legendary moments lost to the void of “you can’t ever get that back,” and on comics like Tracy:

  “He is a national treasure, like comedy wise.” (Bert, 25:01)

• Tracy’s uniqueness and unpredictability, even in telling his own story.
• Anecdotes about Tracy’s wild media appearances and his influence on current comics and TV formats.
• A wild story about Tracy hosting a child’s birthday at Dave & Buster’s during a business meeting.

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The Joys and Realities of Sobriety (45:07–56:26)

• Bert is several months sober for health (due to blood clot and prescription blood thinners).
• His struggle is mainly missing the “ritual” of drinking, not the booze itself.
• The hardest part is flying sober, and the loss of “the fun of drinking” as a social experience.
• Sobriety influencers and the monetization of recovery irk Bert:

  “You get half of them... sobriety is their brand where they’re trying to monetize it...” (Bert, 52:32)

• On why microdosing weed doesn’t replace the social rituals of drinking.
• Bert planning his “fall off the wagon” day (July 12):

  “I want 3 days of drinking... Cayman Islands. Get up, cocktail in the pool.” (Bert, 46:40)

• Wellness and “manosphere” trends get roasted as just more ways to monetize lifestyle aspirations.
• Self-aware recognition that nothing—movies, stories—really “moves the needle” for long in a comedy career.

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Comic Observations and Pop Culture Tangents

• Extended riffing about what constitutes a “big” woman (“over 5’4” is gross...be a freak!” – Ari, 06:22).
• What it’s like dating taller women; funny dynamics in relationships.
• Musings about the joy of "drunk in the rain," simple pleasures, and social rituals around alcohol.
• Tom’s story about out-drinking Bert and the perils of trying to keep up—a classic “Bert’s legendary drinking stamina” tale.

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Morning Shows, Press, and How Comedy Promotion Has Changed (36:12–39:43)

• The hosts have fun dissecting why radio and TV morning shows no longer help sell tickets.
• Comics now play up “clip culture” or turn appearances into bits (Mark Normand, Sam Morril, Daniel Tosh).
• Bert:

  “No one who's gonna buy a ticket is watching the 7am fucking news.” (38:06)

• Ari:

  “What was so cool... is that, like, once Sam and all you guys started making fun. It's like, this doesn't matter. Nobody comes out for... So let's have fun. Let's make a clip.” (36:12)

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Physical Fitness, 5Ks, and Comic Camaraderie (41:08–44:15)

• The “2 Bears 5K” returns May 9, with Tom, Bert, Ms. Pat, and more comics participating.
• Reminiscing about walking/running 5Ks with out-of-shape comics, the fun of the event.
• Hilarious account of power-walking past competitors to look sweaty for the finish line photo.

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On Legacy, Mortality, and Comedy’s Place (52:08–52:32)

• Bert delivers a nihilistic but honest take on legacy for public figures and influencers:

  “You will not be remembered. No one will remember you. You will have no legacy when the last person who remembers your name is dead...Life's a cash grab.” (Bert, 52:08)

• He roasts the influencer world for their delusions of legacy.

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The Porosos Vodka Origin Story (65:44–68:01)

• Bert’s failed attempt for a Tito’s Vodka brand partnership led, in part, to starting his own Vodka, Porosos.
• On being told by Tito’s founder:

  “Tell him to go fuck himself and stop drinking Tito’s.” (Bert, 67:14)

• Commitment that Porosos will welcome fan ambassadors.

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Miscellaneous Memorable Moments & Quotes

On Tracy Morgan:

• “He could make reading a menu fun.” (Tom, 25:47)
• “He is black, Norm.” (Bert, 33:18; joking about Norm Macdonald-style references)

On Weight Loss & Not-Obese Challenge:

• “They managed to get not obese for a bet.” (Ari, 61:26)
• On the classic photo: “Those are two not obese people!” (Ari, 62:05)

On Social Rituals & Drinking:

• “Part of the fun of drinking is doing it... 'do you want another one?'” (Bert, 54:58)

On the Comedy Grind:

• “Nothing changes anything...It’s really hard to move the needle.” (Bert, 23:32)
• “All these influencers...waking up and cold plunging and sauna and running 12 miles...You’re not [leaving a legacy]. You're fucking not.” (Bert, 52:21)

On Friendships & Events:

• The story of bribing two security guys at the National Championship Game to cut the line, only to be left by them when accused of bias (62:49–63:59).
• Mural of Bert in Greensboro, NC (58:47) and plans for a mural of his wife Leanne.

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Notable Quotes

• Ari (on streaming vs TV): “It’s crazy? Two things. One, nobody knows Comedy Central. Two, nobody knows what a network is.” (01:46)
• Bert (on Tracy Morgan): “He is a national treasure, like comedy wise.” (25:01)
• Tom (on Tracy’s style): “He could make reading a menu fun.” (25:47)
• Ari (on physical standards): “Over five-four is gross. Be a freak!” (06:22)
• Bert (on legacy): “You will not be remembered. No one will remember you. You will have no legacy when the last person who remembers your name is dead...Life's a cash grab.” (52:08)
• Bert (on influencer culture): “They’re waking up and cold plunging and running 12 miles thinking they’re going to leave a legacy. You’re not. You’re fucking not.” (52:21)

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Key Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment/Event | |-----------|---------------------------------------------------------------| | 01:26 | Introduction of Ari & "The End" | | 09:33 | How "The End" handles performer pay and show structure | | 10:08 | Tracy Morgan story setup | | 14:44 | Meeting Tracy in New York, magic storytelling moment | | 25:01 | Tracy Morgan as a “national treasure” | | 36:12 | Press runs & morning shows juxtaposed with “clip culture” | | 41:08 | The “2 Bears 5K” - stories and upcoming event info | | 45:07 | Bert’s sobriety journey, alcohol rituals, and health | | 52:08 | Philosophy on legacy; influencer/”manosphere” critique | | 65:44 | Porosos Vodka origin story | | 68:45 | Final plug for "The End" and episode/season prices |

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Episode Tone & Style

The conversation is loose, profane, freewheeling, and full of genuine affection amongst the hosts—crisscrossing from absurd comic fantasy to raw honesty about work, life, and health. There’s a heavy dose of self-awareness, especially around legacy, the commodification of wellness, and the rituals that bind the comedy world. Even as Bert and Tom riff irreverently, Ari’s presence adds layers of deep standup history and workmanlike insight.

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For Listeners

• If you’re a fan of uncensored comedy, comic lore, or are interested in the behind-the-scenes of standup and podcasting, this is a rich, laugh-filled episode.
• Key threads to look for: the “Tracy Morgan myth,” honest (sometimes nihilistic) views on legacy, why older forms of media don’t work for modern standup, and plenty of “inside baseball” on running shows, sobriety, and industry rivalries.
• The End is out on YMH Studios—if you want a taste of live storytelling at its best.

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End of Summary

Transcript

[A]

This is the best vodka in the world. You're talking to a man who's put 10,000 hours into a couple things. Eating pussy and drinking vodka. I'll bring my wife in if you want. I'm pretty good at the first one too, but this is better than pussy. This is the best vodka you're ever gonna have. It's clean. I sleep core. My sleep scores through the roof because of it. It tastes clean. Everyone I've given it to loves this vodka. Tom, tell em.

[B]

It's absolutely fantastic. We have a proprietary distillation process. And listen, we are winning competitions. We. We have gold medals in various competitions. And honestly, you, the people are the ones telling us how great it is too. This is not just smoke that we're blowing here. We're telling you because you're telling us. This is now your favorite vodka. So thank you. And if you haven't tried porosos, get out to the store. If you don't. If they don't carry it, tell them you want them to carry.

[A]

Tell them request it. When you go to the bar, you say, hey, do you carry porosos? And if they say, no, go, you should. It's pretty freaking awesome.

[B]

And then walk out.

[A]

You know what I do? I go, do you carry porosos? And they say, no, I bring out a bottle and I give it to them. I go, now you do. Can I get a bottle? A glass of porosos?

[C]

That's awesome.

[B]

That's awesome.

[A]

Hundred percent. Cheers.

[B]

Welcome to another episode of Two Bears, One Cave. We're here in Austin, Texas, and joining us is somebody who wants to erase the people of Palestine. Give it up for Ari Shafir, everybody.

[C]

Thank you. It's not. Please. I think it's already accomplished.

[B]

Let's.

[C]

Let's say Stephen King wants to write a book.

[B]

Let's say this real quick because we want to. There's a lot to cover today, but your storytelling show that was once famously on a network that once thrived, isn't

[A]

that crazy that Comedy Central's just gone so crazy?

[C]

It's crazy? Two things. One, nobody knows Comedy Central. Two, nobody knows what a network is. Know even the idea.

[B]

But what do you think of somebody when they're like, do you see that new ABC show? And you're like, what? What brain?

[A]

It's crazy.

[C]

The name of the show, you idiot.

[A]

We have colleagues that, like, will be like, I just booked a pilot. And you're like, unbook it.

[B]

Really? On cbs. Oh, so you brought it back. It's called the End.

[C]

We Brought it back.

[B]

That we did. It's called the End. We here at YMH produced it. And I have to say, I've said this before. The lineup that you were able to procure for this, it's pretty crazy. It's pretty crazy, dude. It's pretty crazy. You got Nate Bargazzi, you got DiStefano Gillis, Jordan Jensen. It's a long list. Jay OKERSON, Ali Siddiq, Ms. Pat.

[C]

On and on and on.

[B]

And now it's. It's out. It's out. And you.

[C]

It's out. Now it's 420, guys. Usually, if you've saved an episode, today's

[B]

the day to watch an important detail that is very Ari Shafir driven. You can buy individual episodes. You could buy the whole season, but every comedian participates in the back end.

[C]

Oh, yeah, they're all getting paid.

[B]

Everybody gets paid.

[A]

You're the first person to pay us on. When you do a podcast, you'd be like, oh, here's like, 200 bucks.

[B]

And it's crazy for your ad reads, your people's reputation.

[A]

It's not uphill.

[C]

It's an uphill battle.

[B]

It is. I always thought you'd be like, you were on my show. Give me a dollar. But you actually.

[C]

So I don't know if you realize how offensive that impression of me is, because I have a deep V,

[B]

but it is. I'll say this, man. It came out fantastic.

[C]

It came out so good.

[B]

It's the concept that you came up with. It was always so fun to do live.

[C]

Yeah. And you guys all did them.

[B]

We all did the YouTube version and what fun times. And the Comedy Central version. But this is like. This is the final end form of this.

[C]

The final. I was just remembering, just right now is when we were shooting the, like, early, early stuff on YouTube. This not happening. Yeah. And we were doing some runaround scene, and then I had to, like, pull my pants down to my boxers.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And then you go. And there's all these extras in the front row of that strip club. And you're like. They're like, all right, one more time. One last time. And then you're just like, dick out this time. Right. And I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, of course. That was my. That was my production card for a long time.

[B]

Those balls. You have those crazy big balls.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Did that, like. Did you know you had, like, extra big balls, like, in high school?

[C]

Yeah. Reminds me of a sort of Buck Rogers where some guy from another planet goes, on my. On my planet, I'M a weakling and he bends a metal rod. That's how my people were all big bald. Yeah.

[A]

Jews were the first big dick people. It's a slur. They do that to the oppressed. Is they, they say they have big dicks. And it's supposed to, it was, it was like, that's like the first thing backfires. Big. I know. I, I, I think it backfired. I think people wanted big dicks, but I think maybe back in the days they were like, well, I got a lot of horse riding to do

[C]

that. It's negative for your.

[B]

That's true.

[C]

I think having a, I think having a big dick is the most feminist thing you can do.

[B]

Why is that?

[C]

Well, like, every, every guy likes toxic masculinity. Brag about, oh, I got a big dick. Your dick's tiny, you piece of. Well, why do you want a big dick?

[B]

Right.

[C]

What would the reason be? To have a big dick.

[A]

Oh, I know a guy named Doug who I met somebody. No. To hurt them with their penis.

[C]

Please them.

[A]

No, no, no.

[B]

But you did.

[A]

But your dick can be too big. Sure. And there was a guy, Doug, who was dating this girl that I knew in Tampa. And I went out to la and he was so cool. He was really fucking cool. Like, he said to me, I just met him. He goes, do you want to go to a Clippers game? And I went, yeah. And we went. And he drove and drank and he was awesome. And then.

[B]

That's a good sentence.

[A]

And then he, and then he, and then, and then I said, I love that guy. And the girl was like, I do too. His dick's too big. I don't enjoy sex with him. And you're like, oh, fuck yeah. Can you imagine having that? Where you got to end up fucking a manatee just to have your dick fit inside him? You ever see those girls? They're like walking into a Walmart and, and they're like 7:2 and they're, and they don't look, they don't look crazy until you see the cars. She's like, what's up, plus size ladies?

[C]

They look good from far away. Then the closer you get, you're like, oh, you're way closer.

[B]

What do you think is like, what do you think is tall or big for a woman? And then when you go, that's freaky. That's too much. Too, too tall.

[C]

I'll tell you this, over five, four is like, gross. Beat a freak.

[A]

I dated a girl, 5, 10.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I'm 6 foot. And it was It, I felt like I was a dude.

[B]

That's cool.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Like it was like, it was. You could like, like land smaller. I can, I can. Manhandler. Like you want to throw something around? Rag doll it.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, every now and then you want to feel like you're jerking off in someone. You know, like you're just like.

[B]

I remember I, I, I dated a girl who was 5:10, 5:11. I didn't really think like, oh my God, this is crazy. But then I met a Team USA volleyball player who was six' four. And I was just like, this is fucking. And she was, she was pretty.

[A]

Sure. They always are.

[B]

She was really pretty. But I was like, this is funny.

[C]

You dated her?

[A]

No, no, no.

[B]

I met her. I met her.

[C]

All right, now I'll tell you that story. I got a phone call one day. I wanted to make this thing. It's a way for other comics to show themselves.

[A]

Oh that's right. You're not hosting your own show.

[B]

They did them dirty.

[C]

Aria figured out a way to put it up somewhere else.

[A]

You thought bringing it back all the time.

[C]

I need your and Tom's help.

[A]

You guys ready for this?

[B]

Okay.

[C]

It's a fucking crazy night we're gonna have here. Shit's about to go down.

[A]

Hello. And we're here to talk.

[C]

Paul, storytelling show. Telling true, true stories, word for word.

[A]

What happened? My favorite.

[B]

Please tell them the story.

[A]

My story is a love story. It's about my first threesome. Bad first date. About ball football. Got arrested. Shit in your pants.

[B]

What the fuck?

[A]

What the fuck?

[B]

What the fuck is going on? That's my story.

[A]

Don't think about it, just laugh. It's funny. Ah shucks.

[C]

Please give it up.

[A]

Mr. Tony Hitchcock, Ms. Patera Shabir, everybody. I'll give you everything I have in my wallet. Oh yeah, give me all of that.

[B]

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[A]

Now, we. We had a. We had. I was supposed to be on the end.

[C]

You were.

[A]

We had a. We had a really. We had a crazy story in and of itself, which I wish. I wish it had.

[B]

And you made efforts to try to.

[A]

I actually.

[C]

Multiple trips to New York, researcher flew to New York a couple times to

[A]

make it happen, and it didn't happen.

[C]

Dude, you not being on there was the biggest. There's a couple failures with me bringing back my show, and that's one of them. Diaz was having major knee surgery the day of the shoot. And then Sean Patton couldn't get out of his contract. The three of you not being there killed me.

[A]

What did you. Were you as surprised as I was at Tracy Morgan?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, it was like, well, you

[B]

gotta tell people now. Cause you're just.

[A]

It was one of the coolest experiences. I was one of the craziest, wildest experiences ever.

[C]

There's a story we're not gonna go into that involves chasing Morgan.

[B]

That's what I'm saying. You gotta set up that like you were going to tell a story involving him.

[A]

That's why we're saying a story about Tracy Morgan.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That I now have the permission. I mean, he flat out said, you have my permission to tell that story.

[C]

Yeah, that's what I was hoping you would do.

[A]

But it was funny, his recollection of it, of the night we met. I'd always. I mean, you gotta admit, this is like the weirdest part is I've always told the story. He pulled out a wreck of a joint, looked like a cat turd. And he hit it and he handed it to me and I hit it. And I was like, your weed tastes like shit. And he just goes, I smoke blunts. I went, what? He was. I smoke blunts. I don't smoke joints. I smoke blunts. And it dawned on me. I had never had a blunt before. And that was the confusion where he gave me a blunt for the first time in my Life. I was 24, 5 years old, and I hit a blunt and I never smoked a blunt. And I was like, this tastes different. He's like, oh, you never smoked Sharon before fucking with me? And then he started laughing. He was like, recollecting. He was recollecting his side of the story, which was so fucking fascinating.

[C]

He was like, yeah, it was an offhanded joke. I didn't know you're that much of a weakling.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then. And then he was like, well, you

[B]

really only hung out with white people at FSU then, huh?

[A]

Yeah,

[B]

because I smoked so many blunts. Really?

[C]

Where'd you go?

[B]

To a small school in North Carolina. But like, that was also. We were like, what. What are the black guys doing?

[C]

We should do that.

[B]

Yeah, of course. Of course.

[A]

Done. That day, it was such a cool experience. Tracy Morgan is, like, meeting him.

[C]

Dude, we were on cloud nine. We got done. He was like, for. Okay. For sitting there with him. Frosty tried to hook it up. Just like, let's bring you guys together.

[A]

Let's. Let's step it back. Let's step it back. I get it. So Ari says, will you tell your Tracy Morgan story? And I said, the only way I'll tell is tell it.

[B]

That was disgusting. Or he just killed a gnat and ate it.

[C]

Sorry, I didn't mean to distract.

[A]

No, no. He go, ari. I said to Ari, I said, the only way I'll tell. Because I've gotten so much on the Internet for the.

[B]

For the Tracy Morgan.

[A]

Yeah. Because people are like, tracy said that never happens. And I was like, whatever. I'm not going to. I'm not going to fight it. I'm not going to. If whatever Tracy wants to say is what Tracy wants to say.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then Ari's like, what if we can get Tracy to tell it with you? And I was like, I don't know how we can do that. And so we. I think you got in touch with Frosty.

[C]

I was just like, I'm not in the industry. I wasn't even invited to Diddy's after parties, you know?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

So, like, I'm not. I don't know. I'm most like, frosty, can you help?

[A]

Frosty called me. And then one morning I'm laying in bed and I get a FaceTime from Tracy Morgan. And he's like, I heard you have a story about me. And I was like. And I sat up in bed and I was like, yeah, I do. I do. Tracy, I'm a huge fan. I gotta tell you Man, I like, I. You know, I'm like, backtracking, going, like. He goes, like, I like to hear that story. You fly to New York. And I was like, yeah. And he goes, all right. Frosty says, you're a good guy. Let's do this. So then I call Ari immediately, like, I'm flying to New York. I'm. We're meeting with Tracy tomorrow, and we fly in, and Frosty's like, let's meet. Yeah. And. And so we go to CAA in New York, Chrysler Building.

[C]

So you're already like, this is cool. You feel like you're a mover in a shaker.

[A]

And. And the second. And. And we. And Frosty got a chick fil A. Like. And not just a little chick fil A.

[C]

Like, so many.

[B]

He's like, let me butter this guy up. I know what he likes.

[A]

Yeah. And he's like. And Ari and I are nervous, and the second Tracy walks in, he's like, we're going to do a movie together. Like, he just.

[C]

No, no, no. I know, but, like, that's misinformed. That's not it at all. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. So then we sit down.

[C]

I'm gonna do this film. Yeah.

[A]

And I'm just like, oh, God. So we sit in the conference room, and I start to tell him the story. I said, I got to tell you about the first time I met you. I said, you know, I was a young comic. I worked there. I was good friends with Tony.

[C]

I was a young comic once.

[A]

I love Tony Woods. I love Tony Woods. Tony woods, my brother, like, he's just. He added so much to it that, like, as we're listening, Ari and I are watching this. It's almost magic. And I go. And then you come walking down the street. And he goes. He goes, it was 1999. I just got on Saturday Live. I wasn't even famous yet, but I could get in trouble.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Page Six got me at Madam X. And that's the bar we went to, you know?

[C]

Like, that's the one.

[A]

Yeah. I go, we went to Madam Max. He goes, that was my spot. I mean, it was just like, anybody's eating as he's telling and killing chick fil A. And we are an. Ari and I are on the edge. And Ari's punching up my store like. Like. Like adding in. And then. You know what's great about this? And then. And then. And we just go back in the story. I was like, tony introduced us. And then me and you go around the corner and we hit a blunt and he's like. Or we hit a joint. He goes, I smoke blunt. Just. It's. But he's eating, and he's so Tracy. And then he just pivot, and he'd

[C]

start telling another story about something else, about his fourth season on snl, about some other thing. And you're like, come on, can we go back?

[A]

I have the thing you put your feet in, and the plaster goes around your shoes. You don't have to mess my house up. Like, I mean, it's like. I mean. So we're sitting there like this.

[C]

Slippers.

[A]

We literally are young comics all over again. Yeah, we are young comics.

[C]

And this whole time, by the way, he is 100% convinced that I am Bert's agent.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

100. I didn't have the beard. I was dressed. Maybe a polo shirt. The way he referred to me was so, like. It was so clearly like, he's the Jew.

[A]

You brought your lawyer. I remember at one point, he goes, he. He said something about, where did you do? I did. I was just somewhere. Where were you? And I was like, oh, yeah. I was like.

[C]

He was impressed.

[A]

I was like. I was like, oh, is that the State Farm arena or whatever? We went, oh, okay.

[C]

He goes, you on the road?

[A]

Because.

[C]

Yeah, I was in. Where is that? I was at the city first.

[A]

He goes, I was in Philadelphia. And he goes, where? And I was like, the Prudential Center. Whatever. Whatever it's called.

[B]

Yeah, Wells Fargo.

[A]

Wells Fargo. And he goes, well, Fargo. I said, yeah. I had DJ Jazzy Jeff come out and open me up. It was all. And you could see he looks at Frosty, and he's like, okay, okay. And so then. And as we're telling the story, he's just chiming in, chiming in. And I get to the end, and he says, that's how you get out of paying a check. I'm like, oh, my God. We're like, this is exactly how we want to do it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And he's like, I'm in.

[C]

I'm in.

[A]

First he looks at me and goes, you have permission to tell that story from now on. That's your story. And I was like, great. And then I'm like, great. And then he goes, hey, do you think? I go, but we would like you to tell it. And he goes, all right, let's do it. Frosty, set it up. And so we're like, great. And we're like, awesome. Me and him go to a bar. I don't think you were drinking.

[C]

What am I. I think you were

[A]

doing a Sober stint.

[C]

Oh, maybe.

[A]

And we went to a bar and I just had a drink. I was bubbling. Because I have this story that, notoriously, people think I made up. Everyone thinks I made up then. Now I have the guy who you did it with cooperating. Me and Ari and him are. He's corroborating and telling me.

[C]

Yeah, but you were like, we went to this bar. And he's like, madam X. You're like, yes, that's the one.

[A]

And he starts, I went there all the time.

[C]

I know those ladies. I was on Page Six.

[A]

Yeah. And so we get done the story, and I'm like, this is amazing. This is going to be great. Because, you know, I've always wanted to say I didn't make that story up, but at the same time, it doesn't matter. It's like, I never wanted to bother Tracy. If he didn't want that story told, I wasn't gonna tell it. And I was like, this is great. And then Frosty calls, and I think maybe his other agent called one of his other agents. Like, tracy can't do it. He's. Because it was beautiful in the room.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. But I don't think Tracy was like, what are we gonna do on stage? Like. And I was. I'm my head up. The exact same thing. Just did.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And then they were like, yeah, Tracy's busy. He's got a new show coming out. You know, we got a lot of stuff going on with him. And I was like, so deflated. And then Ari's like, just, you tell it. But I. I was like, I'm gonna be in the same boat I've always been with that story. Yeah. Tracy said you could tell that. And then people would just be like, I can't believe he's telling that story. Right. It's a lie. It never happened.

[B]

That sucks, because that would have been awesome.

[A]

It would have been. I wish.

[C]

Do you regret not doing it? Now I see everybody's doing it.

[B]

No, because the way, like, what you're saying, though, with Tracy being. Being there and being like that would have been very cool. That have been very cool.

[A]

I could have done it with such little Tracy effort if he had just come up and just gone.

[C]

Because your impression would just be like, hey, you do this part, Tracy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. But what do you say? He would also. He would have just. He would have done the same thing that he did in that thing. He would have been. You'd been like, all right, so then we went to that bar. Do you remember? And then he would have been like, you remember 1 25th when I used to go to the place with the chicken thing? And you'd been like, wait, we're talking about this story, right? He just would have.

[C]

Totally nonsense.

[A]

The best part was there are parts of that story. So, like, in every story I tell, there's parts that are just so true that they don't really work, but I hold onto them because they're true.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I said to him, I said to him, you know, and then I watched you go on stage and you had this observational material and you were like, all right, all right. Who remembers finger fucking by the handball courts? And he smiled and he goes, I will pussy pop that bitch. And he would. And he goes into the bit that I watched him do 25 years ago. And I'm like, I've been saying that anytime I've told that story to friends, I've been telling that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Bit. And he goes, I. And then I said, I said, you got in the bar and you held up champagne. You go, I got a pretty dick. You can suck him with the lights on. He goes, I do. But it was so fucking magical that I was bubbling. When thinning starts, it's not just your hair that takes a hit. HIMS makes it simple to take control of hair regrowth and regain your confidence. They offer convenient access to a range of prescription hair loss treatments with ingredients that actually work. Dr. Trusted ingredients like finasteride and minoxidil can stop further hair loss and regrow hair in as little as 3 to 6 months. I'm hoping it's 3. I'm hoping it's 3. I'm on all of that right now. And I don't know, something happened. I think it's my blood thinner medicines. My hair just started disappearing and I got really panicky about it. And I'm on all of it now. I'm on all of it. Hims provides 100% online access to personalized treatment plans that put your goals first and work with your schedule without hidden fees and surprise costs. For simple online access to personalized and affordable care for hair loss, weight loss, and more, all the stuff I'm on, visit hims.com bears that's hims.com bears for your free online visit hims.com bears featured products include compounded drug products which the FDA does not approve or verify for safety, effectiveness or quality. Prescriptions required. See website for full details, restrictions and important safety information. Individual results may vary based on studies of topical and oral minoxidil and finasteride this episode is brought to you by IQ Bar, our exclusive snack, hydration and coffee sponsor. IQ Bar protein bars, Q mix, hydration mix and IQJo mushroom coffees are the delicious, low sugar brain and body fuel you need to win your day. The Ultimate Sampler Pack is a great way to try all IQ Bar products and flavors. You get nine IQ Bars, eight IQ Mix sticks and four IQ Joe Sticks. IQ Bars. Plant Protein Bars are the smarter snack choice with plenty of plant protein, tons of fiber and no sugar added. IQ Mix is a zero sugar drink mix that hydrates with electrolytes, improves mood and boosts clarity. With over 20,000 5 star reviews and counting, more people than ever are fueling their busy lifestyles with IQ Bars, Brain and Body Boosting Bars, Hydration mixes and mushroom coffees. Their ultimate sampler pack includes all three. And I gave them to my mom and my mom said, quote, unquote, it does everything, I swear to God. And right now, IQ Bar is offering our special podcast listeners 20% off all IQ Bar products, including the Ultimate Sampler pack, plus free shipping. To get your 20% off. Text BEARS to 64,000. Text BEARS to 64,001. That's BEARS to 64,000. Message and data rates may apply. See terms for details. You know, it's. Do you remember when you were young and you had something happen in your career and you said, this is going to change things for me?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And then after a while you're like, nothing changes anything.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

It's really hard to move the needle. This was one of those things where I called Leanne. I was like, this is huge. This is huge. This is bigger than a movie. This is. It'll go viral. It's. And I, And I was like, you know, oh, I was so excited. And then when. And I understand Tracy backing out. I understand him going like, I don't, you know, he didn't know what he was going to do on stage with me. And I'm very well versed in the story. And Tracy's just standing. Yeah, but he was so.

[C]

It was so. It was like, if we had filmed the room, it would have been just.

[A]

He could have just aired that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And by the way, he, he must have had three breakfast sandwiches.

[C]

He just kept going.

[A]

He kept eating. And he was like, oh, yeah.

[C]

He was like, oh, don't get me started.

[A]

Do you know what I did? Do you remember. Do you remember that clip we saw of him a long time ago when he was talking about being on the football team and his coach yelling at him? Donnell Donnell, you're not Doug Flutie.

[B]

Yeah, yes, yes, I remember the Doug Flutie part. Yes. He immediately went into it really.

[A]

And it was like, you put pads on somebody. Dude, he is. We know. I. There's a phrase that bothers me online and I think mostly because no one ever says it about me, but they're like, protect this man at all costs. They do it like, like Michael J. Fox or Rick Morris.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

And they do, they do it to like females all the time. Natasha Leone got pulled off a plane. She was relapsed or whatever. Protect this woman at all costs. It's like, it's a thing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It bothers me because it didn't in suggests the person's weak and they can't protect themselves. And I'm like, it's a fucking weird thing. Do that guy. He's. He's, he is a national treasure, like comedy wise.

[B]

So unique. Yeah.

[A]

The most unique voice.

[B]

If you listen to that album, he put out some album a while ago where like you just hear, you can hear that people in the audience are like, what's happening?

[C]

Oh my God.

[B]

It's like, you know when you come home at three in the morning, you've. You got to step over passed out. You're like, Kevin, you got all over yourself and you're like, what is going like. Because you know that he's actually, remember that makes sense to him. Like he's telling stuff that you're like, your mind is so unique. His delivery also he can make reading a menu fun.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You know he can, he can do

[C]

like young like he was like at the stand once he popped in. He's like looked at, keep on the side. He was how old, how old are you? He was like 23. And he was like, damn, I bet, I bet you piss hard.

[A]

The best, the best Tracy Morgan story I ever heard was, I've heard a bunch of them, like, sickler, you got the best.

[B]

Sickler's story is unbelievable. Unbelievable. It's unbelievable.

[A]

You could do a Tracy Morgan episode. I had the guys at CIA or no icm. The guys at icm. When that, the first time that story got out, the guys at ICM were like, yo, we tried to sign him. And I was like, really? And they're like, yeah. And he told us he wanted to do a general meeting on a Saturday afternoon at a Dave and Busters. And I was like, really? And they go, we got there and he threw his birthday party for his kid with all his kids friends and we paid for it.

[B]

No that's unre. That's unreal.

[A]

J. Morgan was like, yeah. David Busters, 11:00am Bring presents. Wow.

[C]

They just changed his name to Tracy Morgan Stern.

[B]

That's.

[C]

That's. So you got.

[B]

You have to do it on a. You have to hear Ryan's story, like, fully.

[C]

I haven't heard it.

[B]

It's.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[B]

It's. I don't want to, like. But he basically met him on a night, like, kind of like Bert did and had his own adventure with him that, like, was completely unprompted and unplanned and.

[A]

And it.

[B]

And it was. It was. It's wild.

[A]

We'll never get another one of those. Yeah. Because he showed up at a perfect time. Cameras.

[B]

Yeah, cameras.

[A]

You can't ever be. I mean, you'll never get another Stanhope.

[C]

Cameras.

[A]

Cameras.

[B]

I met him at Oddball. That's where I met Tracy, the oddball thing, like, 10 years ago.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

And, you know, you go up to you every night, it was a different amphitheater backstage. And I'm walking. I get dropped off. Like, the car service would pick you up, drop you off. And you're walking in that backstage area, and I see a white, massive Rolls Royce, and I'm, like, walking. I'm like, look at this Rolls. And then I see Tracy, and he's in all white with a massive dookie chain and a medallion like this. What's up, dude? I was like, this your role? He's like, yeah, you want to check this out? I was like, yeah. And he had a chauffeur, like a guy in a fucking suit driving. And he's like, I just got this shit. This is how I roll, you know? I was like, yeah, this is fucking amazing.

[A]

Not to. Not to. Not to take away from what Mark and Sam do on. On morning television, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, they're. They're really great. Like, they're living in.

[C]

In that guy's. But he paved the path.

[A]

Tracy Morgan paved that path of morning.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And D.C. and dad, the Chicago one.

[C]

Whatever.

[A]

Horus Grant. Holla.

[B]

Like, that one

[A]

just takes his shirt off. That's my mating call. I'm getting someone pregnant tonight.

[C]

And by the way, that's Arizona.

[A]

No one will. No one will ever appreciate that. Only because. And I'm. Once again. I've done it, too. I've taken my shirt off on radio on morning, gotten in going. Thunderstorms, whatever. What we're all doing.

[B]

Tracy.

[A]

An impression of Tracy.

[B]

Derivative of Tracy. Yeah.

[A]

I mean, that when he did that, there was no frame. That was when you were like, yo,

[B]

the Chicago one is just. It's unbelievable. I saw Arizona.

[A]

Can you play?

[B]

Oh, my God.

[C]

We're about to get some pregnant up in here. That's Arizona.

[B]

And then he, like, lay.

[A]

Oh, look at this. Look at this. Can you. Can we hear it?

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Enjoying the Chicago summer. Turn it up, Chicago. I just had a white castle, y'. All. Hell, yeah.

[B]

You an early morning guy, Tracy. There you go.

[A]

Early morning guy. This is what it is. How you get this big and this sexy.

[B]

I hope Oprah's not watching.

[A]

She might not.

[B]

What are you hollering at Oprah?

[A]

He's so serious. He's not laughing. No, he's like, step and call me.

[B]

And look at this guy on the far left's like, the going on.

[A]

He doesn't know how old is Tracy. Can you find out how old he looks at this?

[C]

He looks at his.

[A]

Like, he's got to be 32.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Yeah. 18 years ago.

[A]

18 years ago.

[C]

He's so mad. Do you ever see

[A]

how old is he?

[B]

He's like 30.

[A]

39.

[B]

39.

[C]

39. Damn. I guess black has an inability to crack.

[A]

He looks. He looks.

[B]

Go back to it.

[A]

Young tape as is it. You can have Star Jones all to your very self. I like to start the sky Kitty Star. But Big Star was good. I love Big Star. That was. She was sweet, like being Big Star. You got it. Yeah.

[B]

You did a great. You.

[C]

It's all right.

[B]

You got. Well, you know.

[C]

Come on, give me kiss.

[A]

Give me a kiss. It's a little bit much this time

[B]

of the morning, Tracy, but, you know,

[A]

this right here is forbidden love, man. White woman on tv. This you good enough. I feel like Jim Brown. Yeah, I feel like Jim Brown. Crossing all kind of lines here. Yeah. News. I'm having an affair with her. What's your name again? Don't worry about. I love you. Please have my daughter. Please have my daughter. Please.

[C]

I take it so serious again.

[A]

It's like lovable. He's pulling from, like. It's like he's pulling lines from a novel.

[B]

Scroll along. I think he lays on the table

[C]

is Tracy Morgan black, Norm.

[B]

Oh, doesn't he end up laying on this table?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Go to. Go to. Go back, go back.

[B]

Go back a little bit to the

[A]

beginning of the hump. Let's see what got him there.

[C]

Showing a clip?

[A]

Sure, why not?

[B]

This guy's.

[A]

See why the women love you, Tracy. This is my impression of a pregnant woman. You know what?

[B]

This is going to be dubbed Like

[A]

a million times on the Internet. And we're going to be the two morons sitting behind him going, I don't know what. We don't know what he did.

[C]

You can't even suck it in too much.

[A]

We got 90 seconds left. Tracy,

[B]

you're going to be at the Improv in Schaumburg.

[A]

We are at the Improv in Schaumburg.

[C]

That's how you sell a ticket.

[A]

People live out there. Any black people about there?

[C]

Not really.

[B]

Yeah, sure.

[A]

Hey, yo, Bishop Darwin, Kamala. Bishop Darwin. Bill Cartwright, come see me.

[B]

Bill Cartwright, come see me.

[A]

Just say you love. Say you love me. Hey, Barack Obama, Yo. I gave you like $415. Your campaign, man. Give back to the community. Oh, man, it is going to be

[B]

a red carpet night in shamb.

[A]

Barack Obama, Michael Jordan, Oprah, they will all be there to see Tracy Morgan. Here's the information on your screen. Oh, man.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

He is. He is black. Norm. Norm.

[C]

Norms take over an interview and not just go, I'm gonna be funny. The interview. I'm gonna make it a different thing.

[A]

But can I tell you the. The thing that. That will never happen again is they the. And I think it's. The thing about Norm is you have to really not care. Like, you have to not care.

[C]

Tracy doesn't give a about let the

[A]

fact that people are going to say that wasn't funny.

[B]

Yeah. You got to let it go. I bet you didn't know that one man every single hour is diagnosed with testicular cancer. It's the most common cancer in men aged 15 to 35. Which is why April is National Testicular Cancer Awareness Month. Which is why I want to shed some light on Manscaped's partnership with the Testicular Cancer Society. Not only do they put $50,000 towards the cause, they also just dropped the TCS Ball Hero bundle. It includes the Lawnmower 5.0 Ultra TCS Special Edition and Special Edition TCS Boxers 2.0. Join the over 13 million men who trust Manscaped and use the code bears for 15% off your entire [e-mail] I've been using Manscaped products for years. It's honestly my favorite trimmer that I've ever had. I travel with it everywhere. Here's the best part. By ordering the Manscaped TCS Ball Hero Bundle, you're helping raise awareness for testicular cancer. Every purchase helps spread the life saving message. Hurry. There's a limited supply, so these special edition products won't last long. Get your Bundle while supplies last. And let's help raise awareness for testicular cancer together. Get 15% off your entire order with the promo code bears. At manscaped.com, visit manscaped.com tcs to learn more about how to check yourself or make a donation to CSSOCiety today to save lives and balls.

[A]

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Let me tell you, if there's anything I've learned lately, it's that you can't prepare for everything. And it's the stress of the unexpected, uncontrollable parts of life that can be the hardest to cope with, especially when it comes to finances. What seems like just a little money problem can turn into a mood, a sleep, a relationship problem faster than you can think. Studies show that 88% of Americans are feeling some form of financial stress. So if that's, you know, that you're not alone or failing. That's why BetterHelp is a shining light on how important it is to have the right kind of support for financial stress. Therapy isn't about someone telling you how to budget. It's about having a place to unpack all the anxiety, all the pressure, all the stuff that comes with trying to take care of yourself, plus all the people you love. When life feels overwhelming, therapy can help. Sign up and get 10% [e-mail] bears. That's betterhelp.com/bears.

[C]

Well, that's what, that's what was so cool about, like, once Sam and all you guys started making fun. It's like, this doesn't matter. Nobody comes out for. So let's have fun. Let's make a clip.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Like he did.

[A]

It's. It's interesting. Sam and Mark kind of use them for the clip.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They don't. They don't. They have no interest in the. In the press itself. It's.

[B]

Dude, Sam's been doing this. I've seen. I just see his posts of it where he just goes for an absolutely not okay morning show joke. Like, he just goes for the hardest joke. It's so funny what he does. He goes for, like, abortion jokes at, like, seven o', clock. And you can see how scared they get. They're like. And then they're like, all right. You can go see. Like, he. It's like a way to get out of it. But it's a really funny approach to it.

[A]

Norman's first one was authentically hysterical.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

The first time he did it because you can tell he was hungover. He was still Drunk still.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And he was like. And he was cursing on air. Yeah, I'm a little gay. And that. That's the.

[B]

I love with the morning people. It's the best.

[C]

It's just so funny. They realized this doesn't sell tickets.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

You know what? They're getting ready with it. The background on their way to work with.

[B]

The first time I ever off with it, I was like, why are we doing this?

[A]

And you started doing DJ Dad.

[C]

DJ dad. My full character. Yeah. Look at that fat piece of shit. By the way, guys, this is not makeup in a character. The only thing he added there was a gold chain. Everything else was just his outfit. That was his regular fat.

[A]

I did that show right after Tom did.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And they were like, are you gonna do, like. One of the guys were like, yeah, and your friend Tom's like a DJ now? And I was like, what? And I was. And I was like, they're like, yeah, he's deejays. That's like his big thing. He does do stand up, but he's a dj.

[B]

The big thing that I would do on these, when I started doing that, that the clubs would go, what the fuck is. I would. I would say, I'm a dj. And then they're like, you'll be at the. You know, at the Impromp. And I go, don't worry about that. It's all about the after party. There was no after party. And I would go, meet me at this, like, bar. I'm going to be deejaying. And I'd get off. They go, what the fuck are you talking? You tell people not to go to the show. Like, no one's watching this, man. No one who's gonna buy a ticket is watching the 7am fucking news. They're not. And they were just like, all right. And once the shows would sell anyway, I'm like, what? They're already sold. Why are we doing this? Because we need you to do this.

[A]

I gotta tell you, out of all of that, like, out of all the fun. Fuck off. I one time witnessed Daniel Tosh do morning radio with material.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I've never seen anything more powerful in my life. He did morning radio and did bits and didn't tell them he was doing bits. He did bits.

[B]

But disguise them.

[A]

Disguise them.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it was fucking destructive. Where you were like.

[C]

Like Byron Allen.

[A]

They were like. They were like, do you have anything you want to talk about? Because he was a Bob and Tom guy. Yeah. Like. And he was good.

[C]

Was he really?

[A]

Oh, hardcore. And he gave Them like. Like gave them five bits. But all he knew is that first one, he was never going to let them talk again. And so they said, so tell us about, you know, what's going on. Yeah. What are you watching? Football. And he was like, I love football. I love guys that do steroids. I think they should be sponsored by Campbell's Soups. We turn them into vegetable, like. And he just did his fucking material and murdered. God.

[B]

That probably did work then for sales. Yeah, I did.

[A]

I mean, it's so interesting what sells now.

[B]

Do you forget, by the way? I totally forget. I only remember when I get into, like, a rental car.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

That I'm like, oh, yeah. The radio. Like, I forget. But I forget.

[C]

I know. Yeah.

[B]

I totally forget. You. You'll be driving and you go, like. Because you haven't connected yet. And you're like, oh, yeah. Like, I've. I'm always connected. Like Bluetooth. You know that there's people still turning on the radio.

[C]

When I. When I came back to New York from Ecuador and I was driving, Sal was let me stay this, like, crash pad and somewhere, and I was driving from. I would get New Jersey, like, conservative radio, but morning radio.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And so long as I heard it. So it was a mixture of conservative thought and mourning. And so he's like. It'd be like, top five things New Jersey's known for. It's. Oh, it's a blueberry state, by the way. The mask is a badge of compliance. It was just like, go on and on, back and forth to conservative and, like, fun. That was pretty.

[A]

Those old school talk radios. AM talk radios were good. I was. I was helping you out.

[C]

Didn't really go anywhere.

[A]

You know.

[B]

You know what I like. You take risks, man.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I like taking a swing.

[A]

Wow. So tell us about Ecuador.

[B]

Hold on. We got to. We got. We. We should make a big point that May 9th. The. The 5K.

[A]

The 5K.

[B]

The 5k is back. You can sign up. There'll be conservatives there. There'll be Jews, Christians, Muslims.

[A]

You've run our 5K before.

[C]

Not really. Because I ran it with Brian Simpson, who. I think he's doing better, but he was like. We started running and I mean, 30 seconds, like, let's hold on. Let's walk for a second. I was like, yeah, okay, bet. She's like, all right, let's pick it up again. Let's run. Let's.

[A]

We're gonna.

[C]

And then another 30 seconds, like, all right, let's. Let's, like, walk for a second.

[B]

Where was that one.

[A]

And that was in la.

[C]

La, yeah. And then he goes, you can go ahead. You go ahead. I was like, no, Brian, I haven't seen you in a while. Let's, let's catch up. And man, walking. That 5k is beautiful.

[B]

In Pasadena.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Amazing.

[C]

It took jelly 45 minutes to an hour and yeah, we killed it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Minutes to an hour.

[B]

Yeah. That's a big window.

[C]

Pass that, the meatloaf or whatever. And going the other way, he stopped to eat jelly roll and meat Rollo. And he was running. And then that's when Brian was like. And then we got sort to the it. So this is a place you can get to the end where you could see the finish line. And I was like, dude, dude, dude, we have got to work up a sweat before we get to that finish line. They're taking pictures. He's like, you're right, you're right. So we just ran around in place for like 20 seconds. Enough to get him going. He goes, now let's go. We just ran the last 30.

[B]

That by the way, when you see, I, I, I experienced this when I'm out running now is you'll, you'll be out on a run. I'll go to this trail and I'll see either like an older person, a fatter person, a woman. And they're ahead of me. And I'll just be like, you cannot let this person pass or just be like, beat you in this. And just in my head I'll go, you have to run past this person.

[A]

Oh, I ran in San Francisco.

[B]

I don't mean any woman, I just mean most.

[A]

I ran in anyone. When we did the MLB for Netflix, I woke up that morning like to see the sunrise. I want to see the sunrise.

[C]

What did you guys do? You called the game?

[A]

No, he just did like, he did

[B]

something for, did something for it.

[A]

Just announced the teams.

[C]

What'd you play coy? No, what, you announced the teams?

[A]

Yeah. Like the ladies and gentlemen, the New York Yankees. Ladies and gentlemen. And so. But I got up at like 6 in the morning, I want to see the sunrise. I haven't been drinking, so that's the only joy I get in life. Yeah. No. Oh, buddy, you have no idea. It's calling me all I get. Are you saying let's wrap up the 5K before we start talking about boost? So I go out for a run and there was an Asian woman who was run walking.

[B]

Yeah, run walking.

[A]

She was in front of me the whole, she'd run and then walk and I'D almost catch up to her. It's like.

[C]

Nope.

[A]

It was almost like I was chasing her in old school Vietnam. Through the jungle.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And she would just run, walk, and I couldn't get past her and I. Running. In San Francisco, everyone was faster than me. Everyone. Because they're all tech kids that don't really like. Now let's talk about drinking. Sign up for the two five bears two k whatever.

[B]

You know two bears five k dot com. It's May 9th. It's at the Pasadena Rose bowl.

[A]

During. That was the joke.

[B]

It's during the festival and it is like a fucking fun day. It's not just for.

[A]

You're committed for the shack thing. Just so you know.

[B]

I'm not.

[C]

You shocked?

[A]

Damn it.

[C]

You're shocked to the fool right now.

[A]

Why? Why are you leaving?

[B]

Yeah. I'm not going to be there. I promise. I promise.

[A]

Well, it's me, Matt Rife. Mark Norman. Sam Morrell. I think Stavi.

[B]

That's great.

[A]

I know, but I wanted you on it. I think we got. Ms. Pat's going to be on it.

[B]

Jesus.

[A]

It's a great lineup. Anyway, let's get back to. Let's get back to these kids.

[B]

These kids.

[A]

So I'm not drinking, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

No. And so what happens is. No, I haven't slept. What happens is your phone really does listen. So if you go into my algorithm, all it is is sobriety stories. No, that's all I get every day. And can I.

[B]

Do you still have your. Your. Your pull the Latch day? Is it still.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

July.

[A]

July 12th.

[B]

That's. It's happening.

[A]

And I would put this to you.

[C]

July 12th, you get to drink again.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You should record yourself.

[A]

Well, I.

[C]

What are you going to.

[A]

Can I tell you, I was thinking about. I was thinking about what would be a great city to fall off the wagon.

[C]

New Orleans, Louisiana.

[A]

No, that's. What.

[C]

We stopped sober October once.

[A]

I know, but think about then. You got to think it through because it's. New Orleans can be a little bit depressing in the morning. What?

[C]

Penom Pen. A child.

[A]

Pen On Pen.

[C]

Penh On Pen. Cambodia.

[A]

Okay, once again, that's too far a flight.

[C]

Okay, let's keep thinking.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Hometown. Tampa.

[C]

Tampa.

[A]

No.

[C]

Play golf. Drinking the course.

[A]

No. Because then I got a bunch of dudes that I grew up with in

[C]

here on a podcast with your best friend.

[B]

You want it to be like Aspen. So you're like, I don't know, high altitude.

[C]

No. Low altitude. Drink more.

[A]

Okay. Okay.

[B]

You like that. You love something.

[A]

I Love the beach.

[C]

The dead sea below, altitude. Drink even more than you would. Yeah, Yeah.

[A]

I keep thinking. I. I keep hearing Nick Swartzen's Key west stories and I go, Key west would be a good place.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

The Turks and Caicos, Jamaica. Wow.

[C]

Jamaica.

[A]

I could make a flight to Jamaica, Puerto Rico, the. The Virgin Islands.

[B]

A Caribbean thing would be cool.

[A]

Caribbean, like, to fall off the wagon.

[C]

What's a great drinking town? What's known as a great New York City? Chicago.

[A]

But yeah, I keep saying, like, Chicago would be fun.

[B]

No, you. You want the. The sand. I think you want the beach.

[A]

What I want is. I want three days of drinking. I want three days of like. Of like Cayman Islands. Get up, cocktail in the pool.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Run it in the afternoon.

[B]

You should book this ahead of time. So it's like a whole thing, but

[A]

I'm trying to think of the best place, and everyone always goes, Chicago, New York. And you're like, yeah, but New York.

[B]

I kind of feel like, no, this is. This is just how I look at my own unwinding. I never really unwind until I leave the country. So, like, I think if you go to, like, even if it's a Caribbean island, it's not that far, but you're just unplugged from home. It's going to be a more fun experience.

[C]

Plus, July, summertime. You know what? Chicago, New York are drinking towns because you drink consistently there. But you're talking about drinking hard and

[A]

well for just a few days and enjoying beautiful videos.

[C]

I think he's right.

[B]

Yeah. You don't want to be in the concrete jungle, dude.

[A]

No, no.

[C]

Looking good, Billy Ray.

[A]

Feeling good. I. But, yeah. July 12th, I fall off and I can't.

[C]

Why? What is this? What. What's going on?

[A]

I got a blood clot in my leg and travel to my lungs.

[C]

Oh.

[A]

And so I got on blood thinners. Dude, I thought you were already on blood thinners. Let me tell you the thing. No, no, no. I take a baby aspirin. But that when I. Now I have a little bit more perspective. When they told me I couldn't drink for six months. Yeah, dude, it felt like death sentence. They were. Yeah, sentence. I was like. I remember the first thing I said. I was like, what am I supposed to do for the Super Bowl? And the doctor's like, what? What are you talking about? I was like, nascar. I got the Daytona 500 south beef food and Wine Festival. What. What are we talking about? Like, how am I going to do

[C]

this in the name?

[A]

And then you don't drink. And then you're like, oh, I cannot drink for anything. Like, not drinking is. Drinking is.

[B]

It's not been hard.

[A]

Not at all.

[C]

Not at all.

[A]

Not at all. Not one bit. Not one bit. The hardest part, honestly, is flying, because I do know you're always a. I do know that in turbulence there is something that can make me go.

[B]

So I've never. Dude, it's been years. When I. When we had that like weight loss competition and Joe sent us to San Francisco to go watch the warriors and Cavs play. Yeah, this is when Braun was on the Cavs. So we were like watching Bron Stephen, you know, like the two premier teams. And this guy picks me up at my house. He gets. He has the car service come to my house. And I get in and he's got the. It's the like the 64 ounce, like 711 mug with crushed ice. And it's. It's just vodka soda. It's 64 ounces, dude. It's massive.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

And I'm like, what is that? He's like, he's like, I. It's early. It's like 8 o' clock in the morning. He drinks that. And I'm like, holy. He's like, have one.

[A]

Come on, man, have one.

[C]

Such a good peer pressure.

[A]

I'm like, okay, you're not a drinker. And you got. We walked into the. Walked into the Admirals Club.

[B]

Oh, right away by. At the airport, they're like, Burt, like the bartenders. And then they'd like, put it down. They're like, here you go. Like, they just. He doesn't say what he wants.

[A]

I never. His name was Carl. He's passed away now. Carl would put down drinks and then. And then every time, right before I go to get the plane, Carl would go, hey, traveler. I go, yeah. He goes, Caucasian. I go, please. And then a coffee cup, like a big coffee cup. He'd make a White Russian for me. So it looked like I was drinking coffee on the plane. And I get on the plane with a White Russian and just sip. Oh, dude, bro.

[B]

By the time we landed, he's like seven doubles into the day. And then we go to the hotel and he's like, let's check out the bar. Let's go have a drink at the bar. Right? And I'm like, I need to take a nap right now.

[C]

I'm already bomb drunk.

[B]

And then we go to the game.

[A]

You're building.

[B]

Not pass drinking just keeps going on. So when we finally get back, like, I'm really like, Hanging. I've had four drinks. You know, he's on whatever. And then we got. He's like, let's go smoke a cigar. Yeah.

[C]

I thought you were gonna.

[A]

I was wondering if you're gonna remember that.

[B]

And I. We go to start smoking cigar, and then I'm sitting here smoking a cigar, but I'm like, oh, Jesus. Like, I. I never drink this much. And so finally, like, you know, we're getting to the end of our cigar. I'm like, all right. He goes, what are you doing? I go, I'm gonna go to bed. He goes, don't you want this feeling to continue? Like, don't you want this to just keep going? And I'm like, no, I want to lay the fuck down.

[C]

There is a different thing that you get where it's like, let's go hard, and that other normal people go, like, I can't. I. Nothing I want more than laying in a bed. Yeah, it would be so nice. So you're three months into sobriety.

[A]

Can I tell you the crazy part is I just got blood work back.

[C]

Yeah,

[B]

well, don't listen to that.

[A]

You've always been perfect. Don't listen to that liver now healthier than it's been in years, and I cannot wait to put a fucking dent in it, dude. All I hear, I cannot wait for it to go. Oh, what happened? I am. I got my numbers back, and they've never been, like, in the 18s and the 20s, it's always, you know, 36, you know, 45. All right at the top. Boom. I'm, like, ready to get after it.

[B]

It's almost like you can connect these dots.

[A]

Blood pressure. Blood pressure, Tom.

[B]

Perfect.

[A]

Low. Really? I got low blood. They're taking me off meds.

[C]

Oh, wow.

[A]

I'm off meds. I'm like, it's. It's.

[B]

Do you realize?

[C]

So no party goes. I'm gonna not drink.

[B]

Like, everybody's.

[A]

Sorry.

[B]

I'm sorry.

[C]

I apologize.

[A]

Hang on. Here's the deal. Let's. Let's break it down.

[C]

Let's break it down.

[A]

You will not be remembered. No one will remember you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You will have no legacy when. When you're. When you're. The last person that remembers your name is dead. No one will ever talk about you again. Right? That's it.

[C]

It's over.

[A]

Life's a cash grab.

[B]

That's true.

[A]

So don't ever fucking think it's anything more than a cash grab, okay? All these fucking influencers. Waking up and. And cold, plunging and sauna and running 12 miles and doing 100 miles thinking that they're gonna leave a legacy. You're not. You're fucking not.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

You're going to die next to Doug

[C]

Stanhope 2 Bears 5K coming May 9, 2026.

[A]

But it's. It's. That's all I'm getting is influencers. And it's like they've. You know, you get half of them. Sobriety is their brand where they're trying to monetize it, you know, like some fucking piece of garbage today on the side of a fucking thing. And he was like, I got 300 days sober. I got custody, my daughter back. And you're like. Immediately, I find. He goes, I clear a million dollars a year. If you two want to learn how to clear a million dollars a year and get your daughter back, pussy, get out of here. You couldn't handle it. And then I get the ones that are like. They're like, let me tell you something. When it was drugs and alcohol, I was. I would run you over with my car for drugs. I would do anything for drugs. And then I go. And they're like. But I got God first, family second, my church third. And then I'm like. And you are still one key bump away from sucking my dick. Like, let's be clear. Like, you're not there. You didn't fix the fucking problem.

[C]

Also, I run you over my car to get drugs. You just buy it.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

You don't have to hurt anybody.

[A]

These kids, all I get are sobriety stories. Every now and then, I get a go like, Nick Swards. And I've said this to Nick, so I don't mind sharing when Nick talks about not drinking.

[C]

Nick doesn't drink either.

[A]

Oh, no. He. But he Boat man. Once again, he's so.

[B]

He's sober.

[A]

He's sober, but he's. He. He's good.

[B]

He's really like.

[A]

And he's.

[B]

And changed in a good way.

[C]

No. Yeah, that's fair. I mean, his fun days of drinking were a long time ago.

[A]

I mean, I'm not going to tell any Nick stories out of school, but if you listen to the Blocks podcast he did with Neil Brennan, you he. My favorite part of the Blocks podcast because only a real drinker would think this would shade. It is. He goes, you know, and Neil's like, what's it like when you are having, like, a real drinking time? He goes, I don't know. I get up around, like, nine, go to the bar. And Neil goes, nine and. And Nick goes, maybe 10, as if that's better.

[B]

So good.

[A]

But all these kids these days, they're not drinking, they're all microdosing and it's. And it's like, you're not. I mean, listen, I just think, you know, part of the fun of drinking. And I wish marijuana offered this. Like I was talking to someone about starting a weed company. But I want. Here's what I want. I want such low dose weed at the same ratio as alcohol.

[C]

It's coming back. Keep doing it. No, that's coming back. Low weed, shitty Mexican weed. It's coming back.

[A]

Yeah, I want low weed. Because part of the fun of drinking is doing it is. Do you want another one? Do you want another one? Do you want. Hey, one more before you go? That energy, the thing when you take 10 milligrams of an edible, then you're done and you're just like, well, the imbibing is gone.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, right? Yeah.

[C]

You can't keep running it.

[A]

And I gotta be honest with you, and I'm being very real. 10 milligrams is a lot for me. I can't do 10 milligrams and enjoy it. I'm a 5 milligram guy. Quite often 2.5 and then fucking drink on it. And then take another 2.5 and then you're chilling. But like, alcohol is such a brilliant social lubricant in life. I mean, I've met so many people on planes, in bars. So many great times are had when that person breaks their willpower and goes, fine, fuck it, let's have a drink. And all these kids are missing out in that. And they're just like, I got up, I worked out, I'm on this. I do. It's all based off these dudes they saw in the military, you know, put out like these channels where they're infl. The manosphere, you know, you don't need alcohol, you just need to work out. Let me show you a kettlebell complex. And you're like, what the fuck? Makes no sense to me.

[B]

So you're gonna go hard in.

[C]

Yeah. And then you allowed to, like, there's no ease back up. You're allowed to. Once they say July 12th, you're just allowed.

[A]

Well, I don't. I'm in production. I'm in production in July. So definitely, I'm afraid to go off the bend. Go on. Like, if it's a weekend, I may go on, just take a fucking and then fly home, you know? And then there's part of me. That part of. There's part of me that says don't cheat it. Like, don't cheat it. Yeah. This is my first time drinking. I want to what I made on July 12, right? Have one beer to break the number to get rid of the number. The number you up the number. Everyone up in aa, the number is what you are. The number. I talked to someone the other day

[C]

how many days you've had sober?

[A]

He goes. He goes, 375 days. I went, what? He was 375 days. I wish. I wish I never started counting. And I was like, really? He goes, the number's me up. He goes, I don't have a problem. But he goes, now I'm obsessed with the number.

[B]

I get that with duolingo because I just don't want it to.

[A]

Oh, you were joking. You were joking. Duolingo.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

What happens when you get a streak over days?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And then you're like, I don't want to break my street. So I have to. People weigh. And they do that at 11:30pm you'll hear the sound a bunch in bars. You'll hear that Duolingo. I gotta get my streak. I gotta. It's almost midnight.

[B]

Yeah. Are you on it too? Jesus, it's so good. This is. He's doing this just for you. I love it, I love it, I love it. Wait, do you have a streak?

[C]

I just stopped at four years and then I'm. Now I'm done. I'm just like, I got to four years, I'm out.

[B]

It's a total. It's. It's. It's engineered, you know, it's like, really?

[A]

They know what it does about to happen to you? What? It's about to get warm and you're about to melt into your seat and. And a thunderstorm could come running up on you and you wouldn't move. A shark could swim up to you and you feel confident enough to push its nose away.

[C]

I love how great is it. Big drunk and it's raining out and you're just like, I'm fine. Let's just stay here, guys. I don't.

[B]

Drunk in the rain is good.

[C]

I'm fine.

[B]

Yeah, that's a good one. The rain especially.

[C]

Everyone's like, come on, come in, come in. Like, I'm fine.

[A]

We were driving through Greensboro, North Carolina, yesterday.

[C]

Hometown.

[A]

Are you serious?

[C]

Yeah, I lived there till fourth grade. Col. Seven. That makes so call seven.

[A]

We're driving. Drink water. We're driving from the arena to this place where there's a mural of me. The woman did this beautiful mural. Of me. It's huge. It's like fucking 100ft big.

[B]

What?

[A]

I know.

[B]

In Greensboro.

[A]

Just type in Greensboro, North Carolina. Mural, Burt. I'm sure it'll come up. So I'm driving there and I saw, like. I'm only gonna call him Lithuanian because that's what he looked like, you know, Five, six, shaved gray hair, shorts, no shirt, belly. And he's in the middle of a. Yeah, that's the mural.

[B]

That's a mural?

[A]

Yeah. Jesus on the side of a building. Yeah. So I was going to see that.

[C]

You look good there.

[A]

And this guy. This guy was sitting in a parking lot with a tall boy and a cigarette, barefoot, in a bathing suit and a lawn chair. And he was just sitting there and nothing. Just drinking by himself. And I went, that's so sexy.

[B]

So sexy. It's crazy. That's a crazy mural, dude.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

That's pretty cool.

[A]

I gotta give this shout out to the girl who did it.

[C]

Generous.

[A]

Oh, Jenna Rice. Yeah, Jenna. I met. I met with her yesterday. She's awesome. I'm gonna have her do one of Leanne, but in when in the AI Leanne.

[B]

And put it on a wall and

[A]

do a big one on a wall of Leanne and bikini.

[B]

You're gonna hire her to do that?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do a big one and don't tell Leanne about it. And then just be like, holy, that looks like you're like, wait, that is me. But it can't be. Why would that be you, who would pay to have a in la? Yeah.

[C]

That's so funny. That's so funny.

[B]

Especially if you do it in the neighborhood, like somewhere close. And she'd be like, every time she turns on to Ventura, she's like, what,

[C]

the side of a Bond

[A]

Curtis?

[B]

That's really funny, dude.

[A]

I'm so jealous that you're drinking right now.

[C]

I'm doing it to make you jealous.

[A]

Oh.

[C]

I'm not generally a am drinker. It's crazy. I'm with you.

[A]

And then.

[C]

It's so fun. You drink so well. I'm the only one who has consistently said you should not give up drinking.

[A]

Yeah, you.

[B]

This reminds me of how much fun it was when we went to the

[C]

national championship game going to topgolf first. Do you remember? That's when I realized, like, you do doubles at a 2 to 1 rate to our singles.

[A]

Yeah, Yeah. I don't count doubles as a double. I just consider it a drink.

[C]

But you do doubles. You're like, give me two Tito's doubles.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And we have one Tito single.

[A]

My favorite moment in all of that.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And I wonder if it's now. I have. I have a couple. Really.

[C]

We went to the national championship game, Alabama versus Georgia.

[B]

It was an amazing game.

[C]

Sick, sick game. Because these two pieces of shit got below. Got below obese for a bet.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Because they managed to get not obese.

[A]

We had some great moments. We stayed in the 4th Ward. I know where we stayed now because I've lived in Atlanta. We stayed in the fourth ward.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

It's being gentrified. That's how we got that place.

[C]

We started it.

[A]

Yeah, we did. We were right across from 2019 Ebenezer Baptist Church. And we had that moment in the liquor store where the Prince song was playing and everyone in the liquor store started dancing. But my favorite part out of anything. Out of anything is when we got. Ms. Pat called and said, get to the game early. The line is crazy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And we get to the line.

[C]

By the way, if you're looking at this picture, those are two not obese people. That's how much space you got just to get the fat.

[B]

Yeah. It's crazy.

[A]

We get to the game and it's. And Trump shows up, and it. The line is not even a line. It is a. It looks like Vietnam in 1970.

[C]

It's like they're all trying to get out. Yeah. When.

[B]

It's crazy.

[C]

Remember, I am legend. They're all trying to get to the helicopters. And he's like, can I gotta. That's what it was.

[A]

It's. I've never seen anything like that.

[C]

I love this so much. Go ahead.

[A]

And I love it. And Tom says, what if there's two black kids in a. In a blue coats that are just standing there? They're not doing anything.

[C]

They're like, security or something. They work for the.

[A]

They do something official, but we don't know what they do. It's all white people going to this national championship game. Tom gives them 300 bucks each and goes, will you guys walk us through this crowd? And they're like, bet. And so these two young black kids start going, excuse me.

[C]

Excuse me. It was such a good moment.

[B]

And people were like, what the. What.

[A]

What are they doing? Espn. We got to get them in right now. We got to get them in right now. And.

[C]

And then trailing, and then, like.

[A]

And then my favorite moment ever is

[C]

as people start getting mad and people are getting mad. We're.

[A]

We are in the center. We have made such great time. We are in the center.

[C]

Everyone behind us sees. I Was like, what the fuck? But we're past them.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Anyone who's angry, we're past them.

[A]

And this white woman goes, who the fuck are they? And he goes, ma', am, they're famous. She goes, I don't know who they are. And he goes, they're famous. She goes, you only hired those two kids because they're black. And you knew he wouldn't say anything. And the two black kids go, we're out. And they left.

[C]

They left us there. They left us right there. They go, yep, we might be in trouble for this. We're out of here.

[A]

And then we were stuck standing next to that woman.

[C]

Uh huh.

[A]

Oh, right there.

[C]

Right Next to Karen, number one.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

And then people are like, I have never heard of you. And then. And then Burke goes, my name's Tom Segura.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Netflix.

[B]

I remember that. Damn. That was very fun. That was such a fun time.

[C]

What a fun time. And what a game.

[B]

I remember sitting on the back patio smoking.

[C]

You got. You got nice ones. I think you got David Officers.

[B]

Yeah. Cool. That was fun.

[C]

It was like, wow.

[B]

And I remember being cold when we

[C]

were outside because you guys weren't obese anymore. So it was like freezing out here in Atlanta.

[B]

Yeah, it was cold.

[A]

How much do you think I weighed then?

[B]

Probably like 230.

[C]

Shut your fucking mouth then. Look at that.

[B]

What do you think it is?

[A]

3. 3. Low 3.

[C]

Low 3.

[A]

I'm not gonna talk about Tom or me.

[C]

I'm talking about you.

[A]

There was no way Tom was 220 pounds in that picture.

[B]

No, didn't say I was.

[A]

Wait, what are you.

[C]

Wait, what's not obese?

[A]

Not obese was.

[C]

What's not obese for you guys?

[A]

Hang on. I'll give you the exact. I'll tell you exactly how much I weighed. I took measurements back then.

[B]

You have the measurements.

[A]

I keep them all.

[B]

But you'll know your weight, though.

[A]

Watch this waist.

[B]

You'll just know your measurement.

[A]

No, no. What? What date? I know. I know everything. That was September 30th. October 31st, 2017.

[B]

That's weight. Weigh in. But this is in.

[A]

You gain.

[C]

This is fatter.

[B]

January.

[C]

This is fatter.

[B]

This is January of the next year.

[A]

We had to be under. I had to be under 216 pounds in that photo. No, no, no.

[C]

To be not obese.

[A]

Yes. Yeah.

[C]

The fact that you guys were cutting weight, it was so funny. So you're like, I'm getting.

[A]

That is the. You know, that is the impetus. That is the impetus of porosos. Really? Honestly. Because what happened is I said I was going to lose weight, and I was going to drink the whole time.

[C]

You do it the right way.

[A]

I was. And I was like, I will drink Tito's and sodas the whole time.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Now, I know that I talk shit, but at the time, in 2016.

[B]

2016, 17 was the weight loss thing.

[A]

16 was the weight loss challenge. 2016 challenge, because my. My. My machine story went viral that week.

[C]

I left for. I left for Myanmar in 2017, and I found a computer at a place and started a new email account. Guys, I will pay you, but I left.

[A]

2016.

[B]

I thought it was 17.

[A]

2016. Tito's was a popular brand of vodka, but they weren't as big as they are today. And I had met a dude on a plane who got a Tito's and soda or got. And who told me about Tito's, and he was a male model. And I started drinking Tito's because of that weight loss, because he goes, I can drink it, not gain weight. And I said, I'm gonna drink Tito's that whole fucking weight loss. And I did. And I went out on a limb, and Tito's people started showing up to my shows, giving me gift baskets. And then I reached out to Tito's and was like, yo, I'd like to be a, you know, not. I know brand ambassador wasn't a thing, but I'd like to work with the company. And Tito. Word got back to me. Tito, the guy. His real name's Bert, said, what? Tell him to go fuck himself and stop drinking Tito's.

[B]

And I went, that was a message that was relayed to you?

[A]

Yes. And I went. I go, are you being serious? And they're like, yeah.

[C]

Do you think he was drunk off Tito's?

[A]

I don't know. I think he was like, I don't know what this. Well, let's be honest. He did build his own brand. He did build his own vodka. He did it all himself. He's got some guy saying, this guy Burt, you know, talks about your vodka a lot, and he's like, well, fuck him. I mean, why not fuck him? Tell him to stop drinking my vodka.

[B]

But was that explicitly said to you, like.

[A]

Yes. Yeah. And then I stopped drinking Tito's because of it. And I was like, well, I can't drink Tito's now. I can't fucking unlike the guy. And. And. And I was. And I wasn't looking for, like, a brand deal. I wasn't looking for a million dollars. I was looking to be Involved with the company somehow because I was such a brand ambassador. And so when we started Porosos, I was like, you know what? Fuck Tito's. Yeah, fuck him.

[C]

Fuck Tito.

[A]

I mean, I hate it because I had so many good memories of drinking Tito's back then.

[B]

But, you know, well, this is better product.

[A]

So let me tell you, if you're a young kid and you're like, yo, I want to work with Porosos, you will not hear me say, tell the guy to fuck himself.

[C]

You should do that to somebody high level. Mr. Beast, you should tell him to fuck off.

[A]

No way, Jimmy.

[C]

You don't need his fucking.

[A]

Do you know how much I need Jimmy in my life?

[C]

Mr. Beast? Porosos, I'm your brand ambassador now.

[A]

I want to. There's a bunch of kids that all get faded and then run in the morning. Yeah, I love those kids.

[C]

Get drunk, run.

[A]

They all do it. And there's a dude in Austin who does it. His name's Bender. Last name's Bender.

[C]

Perfect.

[B]

So real quick, the end.

[C]

The end is out now.

[B]

Out on ymhstudios.com the end.

[C]

Ymhstudios.com Everybody's in it. It's great. I don't forget what to say.

[A]

No.

[B]

Just that you have an incredible lineup and it's awesome. Yeah.

[C]

And there's a prologue in there that you guys will get for free unless you just buy the Nate episode. The next episode is a clean episode.

[A]

Oh, right.

[C]

We managed to get a clean episode.

[B]

That's smart. That's smart.

[C]

It worked out thematically.

[A]

But he's not. I mean, he's clean. He just doesn't curse. He's still funny.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

I don't want people hearing this and going, ah, clean. I'm out.

[B]

No, no.

[A]

Still funny.

[B]

He's hilarious.

[C]

But any other episode you get, you get the prologue, too, but get the whole season for the discount. You know, I was looking at my bumpers, I recorded, like, in South America.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Knowing this will come out, like, save some podcast. So Bobby Kelly, I just did one. I was like, the price is 10 bucks each. 9.99. 50 for the season. And then now I gotta be like, hey, that was. Tom told me. That's crazy. He said, People. 50 for a lot of people is a week's salary, and they can't afford that. He said. He told me you told me that people are struggling, they're poor, that everyone's poor except you, and that $50 is just too much.

[A]

They want to make about 50 bucks a week.

[B]

Okay, so that's great.

[C]

Now 24.99 for the whole. 30 for the whole season. And just. And 6 bucks an episode.

[B]

Great deal. That's all I'm about, man. Save those shekels and just, you know, spend them when you can. It is. It is. Actually. It's a totally great price for what you put together, so make sure you check it out. It's on yma studios.com. please sign up at 2bears5k.com for the May 9th. 5k. Bert, myself, a bunch of people. There's going to be music, there's food. It's a great time. It's at the Rose Bowl.

[A]

We'll have porosis there. I won't be drinking. I think I'm going to smoke.

[C]

Still want your.

[A]

I'm going to. I haven't. I got to figure out a reason to smoke weed.

[C]

I know one. Why get Snoopy Dog Dog to come in off some. Some sort of like a zip wire, Something fun. Maybe even a golf cart.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And then light a blunt, hand it to you and drive off.

[A]

I would love Snoop to break my weed sobriety.

[C]

You can't smoke weed either.

[A]

No, I can now I can, but I haven't. Because I haven't. I don't have a reason. Like, I've just been like, well, I don't need it to go to bed and I don't need it to unwind. I just want, like, you should def.

[B]

You should definitely do that.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

90 days. 92 days today.

[B]

Incredible number. Well, mazel or whatever. You guys say a lot about the

[C]

only stuff you've learned about cultures is the writing.

[A]

Papers, please. Or what do you guys say?

[C]

Paper. That's a different.

[B]

Okay. And we'll see you guys next week.

[A]

Bert and Tom. Tom and Bert. One goes top while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call two bears, one cave sa.